Carry on Dick (1974) - full transcript

In the year 1750,

England was going
through a period of

lawlessness unprecedented
in her history.

Highwaymen terrorised
the roads. Footpads

and cuthroats ran
rioting the towns.

It hasn't changed much, has it?

In an effort to combat
this wave of crime.

King George set up
a special police

force called the Bow
Street runners.

Under the command of a man with a

reputation for being
always on the job.



Roger Daley.

You men have been especially
chosen for one task.

To wipe out crime and violence.

And I know I can depend
upon you to do a good job.

Carry on, Captain Fancey.

Thank you, sir. Bow Street
runners, atten... shun.

Left turn.

To your duties, quick, run.

Quick, run. Quick,
run. Quick, run.

Halt.

Right, everybody out.

Hands up, mate.

Hand over your valuables.

Out and hand over.



But despite these
initial successes,

there was one notorious
highwayman who

constantly eluded the
Bow Street runners.

One Richard Turpin.

More commonly referred
to as Big Dick,

owing to the unusual
size of his weapon.

Get ready.

Now.

Stand and deliver.

What's the meaning of this?

Keep calm, my dear.

Oh, dear.

This is an outrage.

You don't know who I am.

I'll have your head for this.

Stand and deliver.

- Why have we stopped?
- It's Dick Turpin, madam.

Blimey.

I'll handle this.

Stay where you are.
Behave yourselves, now.

Behave yourselves.

You.

Get out of the road, unless you
want this broken across your head.

Excuse me, madam, I don't think
you've noticed what I've got here.

That doesn't scare me. I've
seen bigger ones in my time.

That doesn't surprise me.

You are wasting your time.
We have nothing to give you.

Madame Desiree and her
Birds of Paradise.

And you say you've got nothing
to give us? You must be jesting.

My girls are not fancy women.
They will fight for their honour.

Will they?

Come on, out of there,
the lot of you.

No, you don't. Stay
where you are, girls.

- All right, lads. Get your bags.
- I'll have the big blonde.

Your saddlebags, you fool.

Oh.

All right, ladies, we just want
your clothes and your valuables.

- Oh, is that all?
- That'll do, Lizzie.

- Come on, in there.
- Girls, will you please...

Give us that.

Ladies, don't worry. The only harm
you'll suffer will be physical.

You'll get nothing from us,
I tell you. Not a thing.

Do you mind, madam?
They know what I want.

Come here.

Shall I rush 'em now, Sergeant?

No, I think we'll let them uncover
a little more evidence first.

I see what you mean, Sergeant.
Catch them right in the act?

I'll not leave it as late as that.

Far enough. You can see
they're not hiding anything.

- Now, then, what about you?
- No, you are not having it off.

That's not what I had in mind.

What's on the end
of that gold chain?

No... No, you must not touch that.
It is my only means of support.

- Let me have a look at it.
- You mustn't.

I told you it was my
only means of support.

Stay where you are.

We are Bow Street runners.
You're under arrest.

- Drop 'em.
- She just did.

No, no. The pistols.

Oh, these?

All right. Stand away
from 'em, ladies.

How do we get 'em away
from here, Sergeant?

Er... Yes, I was just
wondering about that.

That shouldn't be a problem.
We've got our horses over there.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

I wasn't born yesterday.

Of course you weren't. You're
too clever for the likes of us.

What else can you do? You
can't use the lady's coach.

No, we can't use the
lady's coach. We... we...

And why not? Can you
think of a better way?

See? I told you you
were too clever for us.

That's if it's all
right with you, madam.

Just to take 'em to
the nearest lock-up.

With pleasure.

Thank you, madam. I'll send
it right back for you.

All right, you. Get in.

After you, Sergeant.

How very kind, sir. That's
very nice of you, you don't...

Oh, no, you must think
I'm a right mug.

Get in. Come on, the lot
of you. Quick as you like.

Cover them all the time. Use your
loaf, I'll see promotion for you.

- Leave it to me, Sergeant.
- Good lad. That's it.

Make a bit of room for me, lads.
I'll just sit on the outside.

Aargh.

Come on.

Come back. Come back.

We're here, m'lud.

Bow Street.

Get in there and bring
out Captain Fancey.

Yes, m'lud.

I could wear a codpiece.

I wouldn't advise it, my Captain.
The price of cod today...

Yes, what is it?

Begging your pardon, Captain.

Oh, Bullock.

I told you I was not
to be disturbed.

Yes, Captain, but the
chief's outside.

The chief? Sir Roger?

My coat.

Why didn't you tell me, you fool?

But I just did, Captain.

Don't bandy words with
me. Out of the way.

Sir Roger, what an
unexpected... pleasure.

We hadn't expected you
back for over a week.

Nor would I be, were it not
for that wretch Turpin.

You mustn't let these
trifling matters concern

you, sir. We have the
matter well under control.

It may be of interest
to you to learn that

he robbed me on the road
to York last night.

He's taken everything we've got.

You'd better discuss
this inside, sir.

Oh, I beg your pardon, milady.

He really did take
everything, didn't he?

Everything.

Where exactly did this
happen, did you say?

- On the road to York.
- Just outside Dencher, Captain.

Would that be Upper
or Lower Dencher?

About halfway between the two.

In that case, we've
nothing to worry about.

You may have nothing to
worry about, Captain,

but you have not been
travelling all night

with your bare buttocks
on cold leather.

No, sir, I've had one of
my best men patrolling

that stretch of road,
Sergeant Strapp.

If Turpin was around, he'll
have had him, you can be sure.

I hope for your sake that
you're right, Captain Fancey.

You can depend on it, sir. Nothing
gets past old Jock Strapp.

Ah, here he is now.

Well, Strapp, what happened?

Well, sir, I thought I'd better
report to you personally, sir.

Good.

See, we ran into Turpin's
gang last night.

- And you apprehended him?
- Well, yes, sir...

What did I tell
you? Good old Jock.

There's one slight
problem, sir. He got away.

I knew he wouldn't let me Dow...

- He got away? How?
- It's a long story, sir.

I don't want to hear any long

stories, you incompetent
dunderhead.

I'm sorry. There's been a
slight mishap, my lord.

I know. I heard.

Don't worry, I intend to take
personal charge from now on.

I promise you I'll
have Dick Turpin

hanging from a gibbet
within a month,

or my name is not Desmond Fancey.

There's only one comment I
have to make on that, Captain.

And that's it.

Pardon.

Quite right, Captain.
There's something wrong

with the hang of the
breeches at the front.

Just stand still a moment.

I'm far too busy to
worry about that now.

- Go on, Strapp.
- As I was saying, sir,

all these hold-ups
seem to have happened

within a 20-mile radius
of this area here.

Yes, yes. Well?

We can deduce from
that that Turpin's

headquarters are
somewhere around there.

What? Oh, any imbecile
could see that, man.

Well I just wanted to
make sure that you did.

Of course I did. Are
you implying that any

imbecile has got more
sense than I have?

No, sir.

I should hope not.
Any fool can make

fatuous generalisations like that.

What I want to know is, where
is his headquarters? Where?

I was just coming to that.

There's a notorious inn just as
you go into Lower Dencher here.

It's the Old Cock, on the right.

That's where we've
been going wrong.

- What?
- I've made provision on the left.

Will you shut up about
the wretched breeches.

Go on, Strapp. Go on.

Well, sir, the Old Cock's
been well known as a

meeting place for
criminals for many years.

And I think that is where we
should start looking for Turpin.

- Whoa.
- Stand and deliver.

Deliver, I say. Deliver.

Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.

I think we'll have a word
with the good rector.

What for, Captain?

It never does any harm to
have the godly on one's side.

Whoa.

Good day, gentlemen.
May I be of help?

Possibly. Are you the rector here?

That is my good fortune,
sir. The Reverend Flasher.

Well, Reverend Flasher, is there

somewhere confidential
we can talk?

In the vestry. Follow me.

Ow.

Tom, I'd like to speak to
these gentlemen privately.

Right, sir.

This looks more like an armoury
than a vestry, Rector.

We do find it useful to
keep a few pistols handy.

Against thieves, you mean?

And reluctant bridegrooms.

Thank you, Tom. You may go.

I've got the odd feeling I've
seen that man somewhere before.

Gentlemen, I don't like
to rush you, but I have

a marriage and a christening
to perform today.

Sounds as if they keep
you busy, Rector.

The same parties are
concerned in both events.

Methinks someone's been putting
the cart before the horse.

That's the usual practise
here, I'm afraid.

Yes, a romp in the hay is worth
a bun in the oven, anytime.

All right, thank you, we don't
wish to know that, Sergeant.

Sergeant?

Yes. Confidentially, we
are Bow Street runners.

In truth?

In truth, I am Captain Fancey,
this is Sergeant Strapp.

Why be so secretive about it?

We don't want anyone
to know who we are,

especially the one
they call Big Dick.

Then why tell me?

A man in your position has
everyone's confidence.

You might hear of
something of value to us.

Yes, Captain, but if I
did, I couldn't possibly

betray that confidence.
You know that.

There's a reward
of 100 guineas for

information leading
to his capture.

Perhaps I could make an exception.

I thought you might.

I'm a mere man like yourself. I'd
like to get my organ in use again.

I beg your pardon?

The bellows are leaking and it
does cost so much to repair it.

If you do hear anything, we
shall be at the Old Cock Inn.

Ah, yes. I know it.

Incognito, don't forget,
so mum's the word.

Yes, Mum.

- Beg your pardon, sir.
- Yes, Harriet, what is it?

Mistress Hoggett sent me to say
the wedding party is coming.

Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.

We'll be leaving you now.

- That way.
- Of course, yes.

A comely wench indeed.

I wouldn't mind putting
my cart before her.

The cart before...

Bye, my love.

That tall one...

I'm sure he was one of the Bow
Street runners the other night.

- They both are.
- How do you know?

They told me.

They want me to help
them catch Big Dick.

Here, does this mean we've
got to lie low for a bit?

Well, we'll see.

What did he mean when he said he
wanted to put his cart before me?

That's a bit difficult to
explain in so many words.

Couldn't you show me?

- Rector.
- Oh, blast.

Yes, Miss Hoggett?

Rector, the wedding
party has arrived.

So I hear. Would you please start
playing the wedding music?

Very well, Rector.
The usual march?

Fight The Good Fight.

Very good, Rector.

Tonight we're going to go to the
Old Cock Inn. Are you game?

Oh, yes, sir.

Ooh, I'd do anything for you.

You know that.

Do you mean that? Anything?

Anything.

Well, in that case...

Yes?

Go and... pump the organ.

Oh.

Evening, madam.

Don't you "evening" me. What
are my girls doing down here?

I don't know. I haven't
been watching 'em.

You know my orders. They are only
allowed down here to perform.

I thought that's what
they were doing.

That's enough.

Back to your room, all of you.

Go on.

You ought to know better after
all my careful training.

Go on, get up them stairs.

You minx, madam. Go on.

I am warning you lot
for the last time.

This is for the next man who tries
to make free with one of my girls.

I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.

What did you say?

Your blade, madam. You handle
it too expertly for my liking.

I shouldn't worry. You don't look
as if you've got much to lose.

Ha-ha. Much to lose.

Shut up. Remember, we're
supposed to be criminals.

Try to act like one.

Give us your tuppence and be off.

Tuppence for a quart? Daylight
bloody robbery, that's what it is.

Bloody prices round here.

Two porters please, landlord.

Hello, sir. Room all right?

It'll do. One can't be too
particular when one's on the run.

Is the law after you, sir?

After him?

You've obviously never
heard of Dandy Desmond.

- Randy who?
- Dandy.

Dandy Desmond.

He's wanted for robbery
in six counties.

It's a great honour to have
you with us, then, sir.

If I can do anything for you,

don't you forget to
give me the nod.

There is something.

I'm very anxious to meet this

highwayman I've heard
so much about.

What is it you call
him? The Big Dick?

You mean Turpin?

Ah, that's him, yes.
Do you know him?

No, sir, nobody does...
except old Maggie over there.

She claims Big Dick went
to her for treatment once.

He must have been
hard up at the time.

Ha-ha.

No, sir, not that sort of

treatment. She's
the local midwife.

Midwife? What on earth could
have been wrong with him?

Maybe it was his birthday.

- Birthday, ha-ha, ha.
- Shut up.

Come along.

What on earth possessed you to
give me a name like Dandy Desmond?

I don't know. It
just sort of popped

out. It does seem to suit you.

Wanted in six counties?
With a name like

that, they'll be
wondering what for.

I was only trying to help.

In future, kindly leave
the talking to me.

Good evening, missus.

Mind if we join you?

What do you want?

I was told as how you might
be able to assist us.

Oh.

I understand you've
met Dick Turpin.

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

I can't rightly remember.

Now, then, Maggie,
I feel sure we may

be able to... jog
your memory a little.

Oh, it's just come
back to me, sir.

I thought it might.

Big Dick come up
my place one night

with some buckshot in his cheek.

So you saw his face?

No, not that cheek, silly.

You mean he kept his face mask on?

Of course. But I'd
know him anywhere

again with his breeches down.

Really? How?

Dear, oh, dear, it's gone again.

Memory do play queer
tricks. Don't it?

It comes back to me now.

How would you recognise him
with his breeches down?

Well, he's got this funny
birthmark on his diddler.

On his what?

You know what a diddler
is, don't you?

A diddler is a slang term for...

Flap me sideways.

I've never heard it
called that before.

You haven't been diddled
as often as me, ducky.

A fat lot of good that was.

Not that my opinion
counts for much,

but I would say that is
quite a valuable clue.

Really? What do you
suggest we do now?

Hold a diddler
identification parade?

Any suggestion I make
would be quite useless.

And to point out that
Big Dick might well

be someone in this
room, utterly stupid.

The height of folly indeed.

Distinguishing birthmark
or not, sooner or

later he's got to answer
the call of nature.

The call of... what?
I don't follow you.

No, but I'll follow him.

Jock, my dear fellow.

They don't call you Jock
Strapp for nothing.

You don't hang about.

With your permission,
I'll start on that one.

I beg your pardon. Sorry.

How do you do?

What are you up to?

Er... nothing. Er... nice
place. Do you come here often?

Well?

Not that one, but
I'll keep trying.

What a place to look for clues.

Right, now, then. Could I
have a bit of quiet, please?

Nice and quiet,
because this is the

moment we've all been waiting for.

It's my great
pleasure to introduce

Madame Desiree and her Ois...

Oswas...

Madame Desiree and
her bloody birds.

The glories of all women, their
charm and their traditions,

we are now proud to show to
you... in different positions.

The sirens of the rock.

These maidens lured all sailors
to their doom in ancient history,

though who did what and how,
has forever been a mystery.

Right, let's go in.

Good evening, Rector.

Evening, Bodkin. What's going on?

It's just a travelling
show to amuse the lads.

Get 'em off.

The vestal virgins of old Rome,

who from their birth were taught
to stay forever pure and chaste,

but never to get caught.

Very instructive. Are
those the ones that

were held up on the
road the other night?

That's right, Rector. By Big Dick.

Dear, oh, dear. The quicker that
villain's caught the better, Tom?

That's right, sir. No one's safe
from Big Dick, and that's a fact.

Alas, yes.

The shepherdesses who spend the
day in search of a stray lamb,

and oft would spend
most of the night

looking for... a ram.

A ram.

Look, over there.

The nymphs of the forest.

The maidens of the woodlands,

they hunted for sheer love of it,

were often times called nymphs

because they couldn't
get enough of it.

Do you mind?

I see you have
strangers in, Bodkin.

Oh, them. Aye, they've
come in from London today.

- He calls himself Dandy Desmond.
- Dandy Desmond?

Perhaps I can get him into the
choir. We're short of a soprano.

And finally, our maids at rest,

so languorous and so sightly,

'tis not the show
that tires them so,

but doing it twice nightly.

Twice nightly.

Ha-ha.

You wait here.

Hello, Maggie.

Where have you been? I didn't
see you in church on Sunday.

I'm not surprised,
Rector. I wasn't there.

Another meeting of
the Purity League.

William, isn't it time you
came to church again?

What do you mean,
Rector? I was there

last Sunday. I took
the collection.

I know. Next Sunday, I
want you to bring it back.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
Mind if I join you?

By all means, my dear
Rector. By all means.

As long as you don't
start lecturing

us on the error of our ways.

Have you had any luck
with your investigations?

Yes, we have an important
clue as to his identity.

You have? And what is that?

It appears he has a
curious marking on his-

if you'll pardon the expression,
Reverend-on his diddler.

Diddler? I don't
know what that is.

Well, perhaps a more familiar
word for you would be...

Oh.

But I fear that won't
be of much use to you.

Why not?

Well, so many folk round
here keep poultry.

I don't mean that kind of co...

This is very difficult.

If I may be permitted to speak?

What he means, Rector, is that
he's got a birthmark on his...

Ah.

Now he's got it.

Now I have got it, yes.

But I don't think it's possible
that Jack the woodcutter...

Jack the woodcutter?

He's the only one I know
that has a chopper.

A Cho... No...

This is ridiculous.

Reverend, do you
know the difference

between a man and a woman?

Of course.

Well, that's it, the difference.

It's on his difference.

Oh, yes. Now I understand.

A-ha.

Oh, dear. I hope I haven't said
anything to upset your friend.

Oh, no. He's going to have a look.

At what?

At his difference...
at his diddler...

Don't start that all over again.

I can't tarry any
longer. Duty calls.

- Don't let me detain you, Rector.
- Goodbye, my son.

I will pray for success to
follow up your every endeavour.

And up yours too, Rector.

That's funny.

What's funny?

- It looks like rain.
- Rain?

Outside. You see... No,
I didn't mean that.

Well, anything?

Nothing.

I fear this is going
to be a long job.

Well, if it is, it will be
easier for me to see, won't it?

Who's there?

A friend, madam, come
to wish you well.

In this place, I should say so.

Forgive the intrusion, madam.

I am the rector of Upper Dencher.

Oh, well...

do come in, Rector.

Thank you.

I hope I haven't come
at an awkward moment.

What? Oh, no, I was
just tidying up.

Allow me.

I felt I had to come, madam,

after hearing of your
terrible experience

at the hands of that
ruffian Turpin.

Very kind of you,
I'm sure, Rector.

When I think of it, those
lovely young ladies

of yours being made to
strip half naked...

Oh, I wish I'd been there.

- What?
- To offer my protection.

Oh, yes, of course.

If ever a man
deserved to be hanged

it's him, after what he did to me.

Whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.

No, he didn't do
anything like that.

Just a quotation, madam.
Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7.

Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

Also, it seems terrible
that with such a definite

clue to his identity, we
cannot bring him to book.

Oh? What clue is that?

Oh, dear. You haven't heard?

No, what is it?

Well, it is of a somewhat
delicate nature, madam.

Oh, I'm sure you can
tell me. Rector.

Perhaps if I may whisper?

Really?

How very unusual.

Not that I have had experience
of these things, of course.

Well, I did warn you it was
a somewhat delicate matter.

It is not quite the
same as comparing

fingerprints or
anything else, is it?

No, indeed. No.

It's also so frustrating when I
almost know for certain who he is.

- You do?
- Oh, yes.

But then, what can I do about it?

Perhaps if I were a woman...

Oh, yes.

I see what you mean.

There's 300 sovereigns
for information

leading to his
apprehension, isn't there?

That is so, madam.

Then, if I could provide
the necessary proof...

What? Oh, no, no.

I couldn't possibly
allow you to... to

expose yourself to
such an indignity.

I should not be exposing
myself, Rector.

But even so, madam...

Think what a service I'd
do for the community.

Yes, perhaps that might
be worth the sacrifice.

Of course. Now, who do you
think this Turpin is?

At this very moment, madam,
he is sitting downstairs.

- Here cometh the first lesson.
- Why? What's going on?

It's what's coming
off that matters.

Do you know, I could
just manage them two.

Look.

Blimey, I'll be in
there all night.

It's working.

Yoo-hoo.

Is anybody there?

Ah, there you are,
you little minx.

- Your note, I believe.
- Was it a great surprise to you?

To be frank, my dear,
no. I have what you

French call a certain
je Ne sais quoi.

Yes, and I hope to
see it, mon Cher.

You shall, my dear,
all in good time.

Don't rush me.

I think that two people
like us, living in the

same place, should get
better acquainted.

Oh, quite definitely. Yes, yes.

What exactly did you have in mind?

I was about to have a bath.
Perhaps you will join me.

If it's all the same to you,
I'll... A bath together, you mean?

You English say such
very naughty things.

Let me help you off
with your things.

Certainly not. What an
outrageous suggestion.

- But am I not a desirable woman?
- Yes...

Let's take off your breeches
and have a paddle with me.

What a disgraceful suggestion.
Certainly not. You're mad.

Girls.

- Girls.
- Are you out of your mind?

The gentleman needs some
assistance to disrobe.

No. No. No.

Get 'em off, girls.

Madam.

No, please.

Get off me. Sorry,
I beg your pardon.

Look, you've got it all
wrong. I'm not a Peeping Tom.

You don't understand. I
was on there on business.

Look, I...

Ow. Get off. Mother.

What are you playing at?
Leave me alone. Get off.

Let's go.

He who covets another man's weapon

shall himself be smitten.

Isaiah?

No, the Reverend Flasher.

Ooh.

- Ooh, Rector. Sorry.
- Don't apologise.

Tom, you'd better
pump the organ today.

Have we got enough out there
for a good collection?

I'll just pop out and see.

If you pop out any more, we'll
have standing room only.

Amen.

As I look round my little
flock this beautiful day,

I cannot help but be
struck by the thought

that seldom under one
roof can there have

been gathered such a
fine collection...

of thieves and fornicators.

Oh. Yes.

You may well look guilty
and ashamed, all of you.

What has become of the
priceless gift of virginity?

Gone.

What has become of the
promised sanctity of marriage?

Gone.

If there is one man, just
one man amongst you,

who can say in all
truthfulness that within

the past week he has not
committed adultery,

then he may leave this church
now and go with my blessing.

Ah... we have at least one
good man with us.

Well done, Brother Bodkin.

It's not that, Rector.
You just reminded

me where I left my hat last night.

Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Thank you, Rector, for a
most interesting sermon.

Thank you, madam.
One can but sow the

seed and pray that
it will bear fruit.

Oh, but of course.

I must tell you that the man you
suspect of being Dick Turpin,

I'm afraid we did not succeed
in getting a look at his er...

you know.

Oh, well, madam, no matter.

I've since learned that
he doesn't have one.

Oh, dear, the poor man.

- Birthmark, I mean.
- Oh, I see.

Good day, madam.

I should advise caution in your
dealings with that woman, Rector.

Oh? How so?

She is, not to put too fine a
point on it, a shameless doxy.

Oh, I'm afraid you
misjudge her, sir.

Misjudge her? The
minute I entered her

room, she asked me
to bath with her.

Perhaps she wanted to show you
the beauties of that fair city.

Not that Bath.

But you're not far
from the truth. I know

what beauties she
wanted to show me.

That is terrible, terrible.
Tell me, did you er...

Certainly not. I came here for
one thing and one thing only...

That is what I was
asking you. Did you?

To apprehend this rogue Turpin.

Ah, yes, of course.
I shall pray for

your success in that venture, sir.

Don't worry, Rector.

I'll have him on the
end of a rope's

end, or my name's
not Desmond Fancey.

He'll have to go.

I think that covers it, Sergeant.

"Have important
clue to identity of

Turpin. Investigation proceeding."

Sounds all right, Captain.

Get it off to the
chief right away.

I often wonder what
chance crime has against

the modern scientific
methods at our disposal.

None, sir, none.

It seems incredible
that that message will

be in London this time
tomorrow morning.

It's like a miracle, sir.

Well, get it off, then.

Look out, sir.

Oh. Filthy beast. Give
me a bit of paper.

Don't be silly, that pigeon
will be miles away by now.

Oh, yes.

Stop.

If you value your lives,
don't make a move.

What do you want?

The one who calls
himself Dandy Desmond.

That's him.

Which one of you is
looking for Big Dick?

He is.

What do you want with
him? Speak up, or

would you rather a shot
through your guts?

You heard the man. Tell him.

We know where we can get our hands
on a great deal of money, you see.

That's right. A fortune.

The job is a little big
for just the two of us.

Much too big.

We thought he might
like to join us.

That's right. Share.

What exactly is this job?

Well, it's...

We'll not discuss it with
anyone but Big Dick personally.

Personally.

Very well. Be on the London
Road at ten o'clock tonight,

four miles out by the blasted oak.

- We'll be there.
- Come armed and wear these.

What about that? I've tricked him.
He's fallen right into my trap.

Your trap?

Don't you see? He'll
meet me face to face.

Well, well. And I suppose I had
nothing whatsoever to do with it?

Nothing. I have the
sweet smell of success.

I'm glad about that.

I thought it was the pigeon.

Hello, Bodkin. What have
they got you in there for?

I got involved in a fight
with Katy's husband.

It was bad luck.

What do you mean, bad luck?

He found my hat before I
could get back there.

Too much of a gentleman, you are.
Next time, keep your hat on.

You rotten so-and-so.
Get out of it.

I shall get my own back.

I shall piss in your ale.

Ahem. Afternoon, Constable.

What?

- Are you busy, then?
- No... no, of course I'm not.

Good, I wanted to have a word
with you. Shall I come in?

No... I'll er... come out there.

Get off.

Well?

You forgot to lock it.

That's all right.
Katy's not a prisoner.

She's come in here to make
a complaint, you see.

- Her husband beat her up.
- Oh, I see.

Well, she was showing
me how he did it.

Yeah, I saw that as well.

Would you mind telling
me what it is

you want, please? I'm in a hurry.

Yes... what was it, now?

I know it was something important.

Oh, for pity's sake.

- I've got it.
- So have I.

I do hear as how you're after this
Dick Turpin fellow. Is that right?

Of course we are. What about it?

If you're out on the
London Road ten

o'clock tonight, by the
old blasted oak...

Ten o'clock by the blasted oak.

Here they come.

Right on time.

This looks like the place.

That's not a blasted
oak, it's a bloody yew.

No, that one there, sir.

Oh, that one. I see.

Mask.

- It's me. Put your mask on, sir.
- Oh, yes.

That should be the constable.

- I hear something.
- What?

I said I think I hear
something coming.

- I know what you said, but what?
- It sounds like a coach.

Why would he be in a coach?

It's bang on ten o'clock,
so it must be him.

All right, don't panic.

- Pistol.
- What? I haven't had a drop.

- No, sir. Pistol.
- Oh, pistol. Yes.

Get ready, lads. We're
coming up to it now.

You wait here. I'll
get in position.

Stand and deliver.

That's him. Get 'em, lads.

What do you think you're doing?

Leave me alone.

Get your hands off me immediately.

You have no right to
behave like this.

All right, Turpin, the game's up.

You might just as
well come quietly.

I'm not Turpin.

Oh, no, of course not.

I am... I am Captain Fancey
of the Bow Street runners.

And I'm Titania, Queen
of all the Fairies.

Right, back to business.

Ah.

It's after ten o'clock, sir.

Goodness gracious me.

I feel as if I've
been up all night.

- You have, sir.
- Pardon?

You didn't get in until after
two o'clock this morning.

Was it that late? I had no idea.

No matter. As long as you
got what you wanted.

What do you mean by
that, Miss Hoggett?

You went to Squire
Trelawney's to get

donations for the
church sale tomorrow.

Of course I did.

Even so, I was surprised
it took you so long.

Well, I did drop in
to see old Mrs...

Giles. She's very
poorly, I'm afraid.

Oh, can it be wondered at?

Her husband treats her
shamefully, I hear.

You'd never believe
he was once a knight.

It's too much for a
woman of that age.

Speaking of that, sir,

I think you ought to do
something about Harriet soon.

In what way, Miss Hoggett?

Well, she was very
late in again last

night, only two
minutes before you.

I think she's up to no good.

I'm sure there's some quite
innocent explanation.

Well, I'm not.

And I discovered, quite
by chance, of course,

quite a large amount
of money hidden

away in the drawer in her room.

Really?

Yes. Now, I don't know
where she's getting it,

but I'm sure she's not
getting it from you.

You're dead right... You're quite
right, Miss Hoggett, I'm afraid.

I'll have a serious talk with her.

Oh, by the way, news came
through from the constable.

They've caught Dick Turpin.

Well.

That really is wonderful news.

Now all innocent, God-fearing
people can travel about in safety.

Stop it, you hear? You
don't know who I am.

I'll have you all arrested.

Go away. Leave me alone.

Oh, it's humiliating. Ooh.

It's a waste of
good food, an' all.

Is that all you can say after
getting me into this predicament?

Me? What did I do?

Nothing. Couldn't you see we
were being led into a trap?

Excuse me, but I was
distinctly under the

impression that they were
walking into your trap.

If you can't talk
sense, shut your trap.

If the chief could see me now.

Oh, stop it. Go away.

Get off home.

Urgent message from the parish
constable at Upper Dencher, sir.

Right, give it here.

Stone the crows.

God's teeth. What is it?

Urgent message just come in, sir.

Can't you deal with
it? I'm very busy.

It says they've
caught Turpin, sir.

What?

Let me see that.

Step me sidewards, it's true.

Did Captain Fancey have
anything to do with it?

No, sir, not that I know of.

That doesn't surprise
me. Tell your

constable I shall come myself.

- I'll order your coach, sir.
- No, not yet.

I have a bit of business
to clear up here. I shall

travel overnight and be
with him in the morning.

Yes, Miss Hoggett?

- I have Harriet here, sir.
- Oh, yes, the talk.

Bring her righting, please.

Come along, Harriet. The
Rector wants a word.

Miss Hoggett, I think it would
be better if you left us.

I may have to say
things that could prove

shocking to anyone of
your gentle upbringing.

Oh... very well, sir.

Thank you.

You old rogue.

She's listening.

Now, Harriet, I must have a
very serious talk with you.

Ooh, yes, sir.

I am very shocked to
hear from Miss Hoggett

that you have been staying out
late on several occasions.

- Is this true?
- I cannot tell a lie, sir.

I have been a bad girl.

It must stop right
away, do you hear?

Oh, but, sir, you
see, I cannot help

myself. Something gets
the better of me.

Then you must fight
the good fight, fight

against it. Get thee
behind me, Satan.

Anything you say, sir.

You must learn to resist
the temptations of

the flesh and fight
against the devil, and...

when he beckons most
strongly and the

flame of purity burns
at its weakest.

Oh, I will try,
sir. I promise you.

Now is the time to cry, "Enough."

From now on, I swear I'll be
a good girl. Oh, very good.

It is not enough to say
that you will be good.

Deeds are more
powerful than words.

The temptation to sin
is forever with us.

You've got to get on top of it.

I am on top of it now.
I'm sure of that, sir.

Get off, you little
devil. No, I might

not get another chance like this.

Want a bet?

Oh, sir, all I want is
your forgiveness.

Give it to me. Please,
give it to me.

I wish I had the time.

First you must prove yourself
by stopping what you're doing.

Aagh. Become once again
in thought and deed...

Get off...

Get off the road to
ruin and let go...

Let go, you little...

Let go the devil and
his ways. Stop.

Thank you, Miss Hoggett.

I feel much better now.

Rector?

Oh, Rector. Are you all right?

Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Hoggett.

It's always so distressing
to me, a scene like that.

Poor girl.

Don't waste any pity on her, sir.
She was more than ready for it.

How right you are, Miss Hoggett.

How very right.

Oh, Rector, I can't bear to
see you unhappy like this.

Thank you, Miss Hoggett.

Oh, no, not again.

Let me comfort you. There, there.

Well, I still don't see why
I have to come with you.

I thought you would enjoy
seeing the wretch who

stripped us of all our
belongings behind bars.

It's reassuring it can never
happen again, certainly.

Exactly, my dear.

Halt. Stand and deliver.

- What the devil's going on?
- Everybody out.

Oh, no. It can't be.

All right, Tom. Stable 'em.

Right-o.

You did very well
tonight, Harriet.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I must say, it is a
pleasure working for you.

You're a good girl.

You don't want to
believe everything

you read in my references.

Don't tell me a nice
young girl like you

has strayed from
the primrose path.

- Oh, no, it was indoors.
- I hope it was only once.

I don't know. Nobody ever
taught me how to count proper.

Well, we'll have to do
something about that.

Will you teach me, sir?

- I'd be very happy to.
- To count right up to a hundred?

Well... up to three, for a start.

Three... How many's that?

Well, for instance...

that's one... and that's one, too.

Well, I know that.

No, we'll start again. Hang on.

That's one... and one makes two.

Yes?

And two and one makes three.

Ooh, that's lovely. Show me again.

- With pleasure.
- Who's that down there?

It's all right, Miss
Hoggett, it's only me.

You nip off to bed and don't
forget to say your prayers.

What for? I never seem
to get what I ask for.

Have patience.

Oh, Miss Hoggett, you shouldn't
have waited up for me.

I was worried about you, Rector. I
didn't know where you'd got to.

I didn't get anywhere, I'm afraid.

- But it's after midnight.
- Is it?

Well, I stopped by with old Mrs
Giles. She's failing fast, I fear.

Oh, sir, again?

You give far too much of your
time to people in need, I fear.

Well, you know what
the Good Book says,

"Tis better to give than receive."

What you need, sir, is
someone by your side,

to comfort you, share
life's burdens.

Warm you, if needs be.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett. I
do have my warming pan, you know.

Yes, but where would you be
without me to put it in for you?

Oh, yes, Miss Hoggett.

I must say, you are an
admirable housekeeper

and I don't know what I
should do without you.

But a housekeeper is
more limited in ways

she can be of service
than say... a wife.

True... True, Miss Hoggett.

I think it's time I got
to my warming pan.

Oh, sir, don't you
see what I'm trying

to tell you? Sir,
for ten years now,

I've run your house
for you, looked

after you, cooked for you...

And I am most grateful,
Miss Hoggett.

Nursed you when you were
ill, helped you with

your work and been at
your beck and call.

And I appreciate it, Miss Hoggett.

Miss Hoggett, yes. "Thank
you very much, Miss

Hoggett. Three bags
full, Miss Hoggett."

Do you think that's all
I want in exchange?

Well, I do reimburse
you adequately.

But I'm a woman with
all a woman's needs.

I want more than that, much more.

I don't understand
it, Miss Hoggett.

If you're not happy here...

Oh, but I am. There's
no one else for me, no

one. I'll serve you till
the end of my days.

But it's only natural I
should want something more.

Shall we talk about this in
the morning? Good night.

I may be wrong, but I
think she's after a rise.

I must say, it's wonderful
of people to part with

such valuable-looking items
in these hard times.

Sometimes they do need
a little persuading.

Dashed if I could afford
to give a coat like that.

Oh, Squire, you're one of
our chief benefactors.

I, madam? I've not
given a damn thing.

No one's asked me to.

But I understood
from the Rector...

I think that we ought to let
them in now. Excuse me.

- I'd like this horn.
- You've got one.

Mrs Giles, I'm so
pleased to see you've

recovered from your indisposition.

What indisposition? There's
nothing wrong with me.

But the Rector said you
were confined to your bed.

Here, stop that, you old devil.

But the Rector said you
were sinking fast.

What, me? Oh, dear, no. Come on.

No, no.

It looks like another big success.

Not surprising.

Where else could
you get a fur coat

and a silk dress for
a few shillings?

Don't ask me. I'm
only a poor rector.

I've saved a little
something for you.

- For me? What for?
- For being a good girl.

Ooh.

If this is what I get
for being a good girl,

just think what I could
get being a bad one.

You'll find out one day.

Promises, promises.

If it goes on like this, we'll
be sold out within the hour.

We'll have to start another

collection straight
away, won't we?

Faster.

Go on, man.

Go on.

- I don't like the look of that.
- We did that one last night.

And the week before.

He's probably off to
the parish constable.

- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Shall I go and see what happens?

Good idea. Go on.
Get changed first.

Go with her.

Whoa.

Oooh. Sorry.

I was just having my grub.

Look lively, will you? It's
the chief of the runners.

Gawd have mercy.

- Welcome, sir...
- Close that damn door.

And give us something to
cover ourselves with.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, dear.

Coming, sir.

Here you are, sir. And
something for the lady, too.

What a funny way to travel.

You stay there, my dear.

- Are you the parish constable?
- That's right, sir.

So, you're the fellow that
claims to have caught Turpin.

Yes, sir. And his mate, too, sir.

I caught 'em red-handed,
I did, sir.

Really? May I see them?

Of course, sir. Right
this way, sir.

That's them, sir.

I knew it.

I knew it.

All right. All right.

Captain, in all my
experience, I can say I've

never heard of such blind,
blundering stupidity.

I agree. I thought Turpin would
behave more cleverly than that.

I mean your stupidity.

Has it not occurred to you
that the man who told

you where to meet him
last night was Turpin?

No, sir, no.

Between you and me, I think our
presence here scared him off.

I'll wager he's across
the border by now.

It might interest you to know the
man who was so scared by you

last night robbed us of
everything we've damn well got.

He took my most
treasured possession.

Come, milady. Surely
that went long ago.

My mother's bracelet.

Here, you stay here,
and I'll try and get

near enough to hear
what they're saying.

All you're giving me is excuses.

I've heard it all before, Fancey.

Believe me, sir Roger, I know
how these villains work...

Ah, good day to you, sir.

As far as I'm concerned,
we're back where we started.

All this talk about Big Dick.

I've had enough of it.

Stap me vitals.

- What's the matter with you?
- Over there. It's him.

Who?

The man. The man who
tricked you last night.

The man who tricked
me... That was you.

Never mind about
that. Are you sure?

Yes, sir. Positive.

Right, I'll take
charge. Constable,

Sergeant, cover the door.

Right, sir.

At the double, you. Hurry up.

Look out.

After him.

Oh... excuse me.

Don't let him get away. Girls.

Aagh.

Get out.

- Stay exactly where you are.
- Here, what's going on?

Don't be alarmed, ladies.
You're about to witness

the capture of the
notorious Dick Turpin.

Are you?

Afraid not. They've
made a mistake.

You're quite sure
it's him, Fancey?

Quite sure, sir.

You'll have a job proving it.

As it happens, I won't.
He has a very distinctive

birthmark, sir, in a
rather unusual place.

Oh? Where?

Er, he's not called Big
Dick for nothing, sir.

Egad. You mean it's on his...

With your permission, sir?

By all means. Carry on, Fancey.

You, sir. Take your clothes off.

Right.

Would you ladies mind
retiring into the next room?

Come on, my little doxies.

Come on. Whoa-ho.

All right, carry on.

You're making a big
mistake, you know.

I don't think so.

Well, all right, then.

That's enough.

They're real. Feel 'em.

That won't be necessary.

Well. Fancey?

It's a woman, sir.

Brilliant. A masterpiece
of deduction, you

blithering jackass. I'll
have your hide for this.

But, sir, he could
still... she could

still be Dick Turpin,
couldn't she?

Yes? And where's your
precious birthmark?

And where's the thing
it's supposed to be on?

I've just realised.

She's the Rector's housemaid, sir.

The Rector's housemaid.

That's all I needed to hear.

Wait till the Rector
hears about this.

No. I'd prefer that you didn't
mention this to anyone.

What in heaven's name
is going on here?

Oh.

My bracelet.

What?

God's blood, so it is.

I told you she was something
to do with it. I told you.

Hold her. Constable.

Good man. Take her
away and lock her up.

Come on, my girl. I'm going
to have you in the lock-up.

Most successful, Miss Hoggett.

How much did we make?

Rector, I must talk to you.

Yes, what is it, Miss Hoggett?

Rector, I've always been loyal
and honest with you, haven't I?

Yes, of course, Miss Hoggett.

Then why should you lie to me?

- You, of all people.
- Lie to you?

Yes. You said you'd gone to visit
Squire Trelawney the other night.

But you didn't. And Mrs Giles.

Oh, yes, well, I did tell you a
little white lie, Miss Hoggett.

Why? Why should you do
such a thing to me?

It's another woman, isn't it?

I must know. Tell me, is it?

- Miss Hoggett, please.
- It is. I knew it.

Oh, how could you?

After all the love and attention
I've lavished on you...

playing your organ?

Rector, Rector.

- Excuse me.
- Yes, Tom, what is it?

Bad news, I'm afraid.
Damn and blast it.

- Oh.
- Tom, Tom.

No news is so bad that it
merits the use of a cuss word,

particularly in front
of Miss Hoggett.

Sorry, Rector, but
they've got Harriet.

Bloody hell.

All right. All right.

No point in your staying
in this wretched

place, my dear. You
go on back to London.

But why can you not accompany me?

I wish I could, dear heart.

But I fear I cannot trust
that fool Fancey to

bring this business to a
successful conclusion.

Be it so.

Your servant, madam.

Your Lordship, are you
not returning to London?

I could not, madam.

I wanted to see more of you.

Oh, sir, after helping
me out of that

bath, there is little more to see.

Yes, but one doesn't view
a luscious ripe peach

without wanting to sink
one's teeth into it.

A peach? Is that not what you
English play cricket on?

No, madam. Though I must confess,

I'd relish an innings with you.

I do not play the game, sir.

Well, madam, perhaps
if we went somewhere

a little more private,
I could teach you.

Mon Dieu. Who do you think I am?

A damned attractive cockney wench

with an absurdly
bogus French accent.

All right. And I know
what a peach is.

But it doesn't mean
I'm easy to pluck.

I'm a very wealthy man.

And influential at court.

Well, in that case...

Perhaps we should go
somewhere more private.

No.

It's no good, sir. I can't
get any sense out of her.

Leave it to me. I know how
to handle this baggage.

Now, look here, my girl.

Come along. We know very well

you're a member of
Big Dick's gang.

Then why do you keep asking me?

Where can we find Dick?

Search me. I've been
living here for

ten years and I've
never found any.

We have ways of making you talk.

Torture? That's against
the law nowadays.

You're a comely wench.

There's nothing to stop me
forcing my attentions on you.

Promises, promises.

Get off. She's incorrigible.

Let me out.

- Are you all right, sir?
- Dreadful creature.

Yes?

It's the Rector. He wants
to see the Captain.

All right, well, show him in.

So it's true.

Harriet, what have you done?

It's no good. You won't
get a word out of her.

What is her crime?

This may come as a bit
of a shock, but she's

suspected of being a
member of Turpin's gang.

I cannot believe it.

Captain, let me take her home.
I'm sure I can get at the truth.

Impossible. She is the sprat
to catch the mackerel.

What do you mean?

I have your word that you'll keep
this plan strictly to yourself?

Yes, of course.

Well, let us suppose that
you were Dick Turpin.

What?

A ridiculous supposition, I know.

Absurd.

Yes, but if you were,
and you learned

of her arrest, what would you do?

I would try to rescue her.

Exactly.

And how would you stop
me from doing so?

I have men all round
the house. You'd get

in, all right, but
you'd never get out.

In that case, Captain, I'm
very glad I'm not him.

I would hate to pit my wits
against a man of your brilliance.

It's right enough what
the Captain says.

The constable's got his
men all round the house.

No wonder His Lordship
looks so happy.

There must be some way we
can get her out of there.

It'll take a bit of doing.

Come on, lads, settle
down nice and quiet.

Once again, it's my very great

pleasure to introduce
Madame Desiree

and her Oizy-ecks dez Paradiss.

I've got it.

Come on.

The glories of all women,

their charms and their traditions,

we are now proud to show to you.

In different positions.

The maidens of the woodlands.

They hunted for sheer love of it,

were often times called nymphs

because they couldn't
get... enough of it.

The vestal virgins of old Rome.

Who from their birth were taught

to stay forever pure and chaste.

But never to get caught.

And finally, our maids at rest

in languorous sleep so sightly,

'tis not the show
that tires them so,

but doing it twice nightly.

Bottle of rum, please, ducks.

Certainly, ladies.

Thank you.

Someone's coming, Captain.

Right... Move out of sight
until they come in.

Give me that.

- Just a minute, dear.
- Get off.

Captain?

Captain?

Captain Fancey?

Don't move.

- Ooh, you did give us a shock.
- Who are you?

And what are you doing here?

His Lordship sent
us with a bottle.

How very thoughtful of him.

He said to stay and keep
you company for a bit.

- Well, I could do with a bit.
- Saucy.

All right, Constable,
you can leave us now.

All right, sir.

You're not exactly a couple
of fillies, are you?

A gentleman of taste.

We'll have a few noggins
to loosen things up.

Lovely...

Here...

Is that the one that's supposed
to belong to Turpin's gang?

That's right, love.

Fancy, her a highwayman. Ain't
you afraid she'll get away?

No chance of that.

If you got too near the
bars, she could reach

through and grab you from
behind, couldn't she?

Come over here, my dear.

Yes, sweetheart.

What's your name, my
little pretty one?

- Bridgette.
- Oh, Bridgette?

Most of the fellas call me Bridge.

Bridge? Why?

Because I come across.

Get off me.

- There you are, my dear.
- Oh, ta.

And what might your
pretty little name be?

Well, darling, you can
call me... Big Dick.

And what a pret... What?

Put 'em up. Come on.

- Harriet.
- What are you doing?

- What do you want?
- Get over to that door, come on.

Do what I tell you.

Constable.

Yes, Captain?

Go over to the inn and fetch
us another bottle of rum.

- What, already?
- Don't argue, now.

All right, Captain.

All right for some.

- What did you come for?
- You know. Get your clothes off.

- What?
- You heard. Get 'em off.

- Hey, Bodkin.
- Sir?

Another bottle of rum
for the Captain.

What the devil...?

Excuse me, Nell.

Constable. You're
supposed to be on guard.

I know, sir, but the Captain sent
me across for another bottle, sir.

Another bottle? What
the blazes for?

They must have finished the
one what you sent 'em, sir.

The one I sent them? What
are you talking about?

You know, sir, the
one you sent them

two old women across with, sir.

Two old women? What do you mean?

Didn't you, sir?

I've been nobbled.

Oh. Oh, woe. Woe.

- Come on.
- I'm a silly old constable, sir.

Come along, Capty. Who's had
too much to drink, then?

He has.

Who's going to be
icky-dicky in the morning?

Oh... no.

Well?

Nothing definite, I'm afraid, sir.

One of the constable's men did
see the women leave last night

with someone they thought was me.

And you know who
that was, of course?

It wasn't me, sir. I'm
pretty sure of that.

I'm talking about the
two women, you fool.

There was something familiar
about one of those women.

I could've sworn we'd
met before somewhere.

It was Turpin, you
blasted oaf. Who

else would bother
rescuing the girl?

I had considered that
possibility, sir.

Oh, my God.

I don't understand it.

He must have known
about the trap we set.

How? Did you tell anyone?

What? Oh, certainly not, sir.

- Except the Rector.
- Oh, the Rector. Yes, well, him.

Are you certain you
told no one else?

I'm positive, sir.

What is it, sir?

Where did you get that cloak from?

I lost all mine. The
landlord kindly

lent me his. Pretty awful, I know.

- It's mine.
- Oh, I don't think so, sir.

He told me he got it
at the church sale.

Church sale?

Do you suppose it's possible?

I was just thinking
the same thing, sir.

Of course. That's who the
woman reminded me of.

Who?

The old Rector.

So similar, it could
almost have been him.

And you told him about our
plan to catch Turpin?

Yes, that's right, I...

Oh.

I'll deal with you later.

Strapp, go to the constable
and get all the men he has.

- And meet me at the church.
- Yes, sir.

You know, I suspected him
right from the beginning.

I said... Oh, they've gone.

The text for my sermon today
comes from the book of Numbers.

"Be sure your sins
will find you out."

It astonishes me you
come here Sunday after

Sunday and look me in
the eye without shame,

me, your spiritual
and moral leader.

Me, whose only sin has been to let
you continue in these sinful ways.

I tell you now...

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Now I will tell you...

the Day of Judgement is nigh.

Yes, indeed, I can say that again.

Yes, sinners.

The agents of retribution
are all around us.

He's in the middle
of the service, sir.

- Good, then we have him.
- May I, sir?

Certainly not, Captain.
Have you no respect?

We must let him finish it.

Constable, how many
exits from this church?

Just that one, sir, and the
one in the vestry, sir.

Right, you and your
men cover that.

We'll take this.

Even now they are getting closer.

And so, my friends,
it seems that we

have a bit of a
problem on our hands.

Believe me. We have.

"Ooh," you might
say to yourselves,

"I am quite safe in this place.

Nobody would touch me
here, would they?"

Praise be to heaven, you're right.

But what will happen
after this service is

over and you have to
leave this sanctuary?

We will now sing hymn 202.

O God, Our Help In Ages Past.

You saw?

- Yeah.
- We've got to get out of here.

This way?

No, they could never
be that stupid.

Or could they?

Hang on.

Bless you, my children.

See what I mean?

- I think we've had it.
- Never.

Harriet's still hiding
in the crypt. Tell

her what's happened and
bring her up here.

♪ Beneath the shadow of our ♪

♪ Beneath the shadow
of thy throne ♪

♪ Thy saints ♪

♪ Sufficient is thine arm alone ♪

Oh, blimey.

Is this the best you can do, on
this, the day of retribution?

We'll try it again
and this time give.

Hymn 202...

O God, Our Help.

- What are we going to do?
- Quick, get in there.

♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪

There we go.

Still here, gentlemen?

Sorry, Rector, but...

I've been ordered to arrest you.

- But the service isn't over yet.
- Oh, well...

I'm just about to say
my final prayer.

Oh, well, in that case...

Would you care to join
me? Come in. Come along.

Come right in.

Come along.

There you are.

Kneel, please, gentlemen.

Over here, please.

Oh, dear.

♪ And our defence is sure ♪

Thank you.

Bless these my children.

Give them the strength to
carry out their duties,

and for what they are
about to receive,

may they be truly grateful.

Amen.

Tie 'em up. Come on,
let's get out of here.

♪ Amen ♪

Oh, blimey. Get on
with it. I'll be back.

To say that I am
disappointed is to

put it mildly. Has
everybody given?

- Aye, Rector.
- Those gentlemen at the back?

No, I didn't go to them.

Then do so.

During this collection
we will sing hymn 202,

O God. Our Help.

♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪

♪ Our hope for years to come ♪

Well done, boys.

Sorry, Harriet. I think we'll
borrow His Lordship's coat.

Tom, go and persuade the coachman.

Very good, Rector.

♪ Beneath the shadow ♪

There's something funny going on.

I was just going to
say the same thing.

I don't like it. Strapp, go to the

vestry and see if
everything's in order.

- Any sign of Tom yet?
- I'll have a look.

Constable.

Constable.

Look out. The Sergeant's coming.

Oh, no.

Up the belfry, quick.

Where the hell have they got to?

Hang on. This will fix him.

Right.

Help. Help.

Help.

He's coming.

Get ready.

Now.

I'll bet he's saying,
"Bells to all this."

You hang on here a minute.

Come on.

Fire. Fire.

Everybody out. Run.

Give me the money.

Help.

Come on, hurry. Hurry.

Out of the way. Out of my way.

Come on, get up there.
Up. Come on, boys.

Without bleeding doubt,

you are the most useless...

that ever drew breath.

Ooh.

You're safe now, Rector.
We're over the border.

Halt.

- Whoa.
- Stand and deliver.

That's just what I
was about to do.

And about time, too.