Carry on Cowboy (1965) - full transcript

♪ Carry on, cowboy ♪

♪ For to ride the range you love ♪

♪ Across the wide prairie ♪

♪ With the burning sun above ♪

♪ Till you hang up your saddle ♪

♪ Lay down your gun ♪

♪ Till the last stray's

been branded ♪

♪ Oh, cowboy, carry on ♪

♪ Trails where the

sage is blowing ♪

♪ I'd see the prairie sky ♪

♪ Dust from the

campfires glowing ♪

♪ Dogles sing your lullaby ♪

♪ With your Pinto to carry you ♪

♪ Till the last great

round-up's done ♪

♪ Carry on, cowboy ♪

♪ Oh, cowboy, carry on? ♪

I wonder what they wanted.

What the...? Ah, business.

Take good care of 'em, mister.

They were good friends of mine.

It'll be a pleasure, sir.

What do you want? Plain coffin,

one dollar. Padded, two dollars.

Or maybe you'd like pillows,

beautiful silver handles?

All the trimmings.

But... that'll be an

extra two dollars.

Give 'em pads...

- Pads.

- Pillows...

- Pillows.

- Handles...

Handles.

- And some flowers.

- Flowers?

Pansies.

Hold it a minute, Russ.

What's the matter, Judge?

I thought I heard shots just now.

Nah. It's probably just

a horse backfiring.

Oh, yes.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know a horse backfiring

when I hear one.

Come now, Judge, there ain't

been no shooting in Stodge

since the day you ran

Jessie James out of town.

- What a day that was?

- Hey-hey.

You know, Judge, I

never credited you

with either the guts or the

courage to do a thing like that.

Oh, I don't know. I

didn't like having

to get tough with Jessie, though.

She was a nice girl.

I never did get to know exactly

what she done that was so wrong?

Old Ben was a friend of mine,

Sam, and she killed him.

It was his own fault. He was 92.

I warned him not to marry her.

How she did it was immaterial.

Come on. Let's get back to the

game. It's your draw, Judge.

Someone's dropped one.

Oh, it's me.

I've got it.

Mrs Bun, the baker.

Happy families.

That's another pot I've won.

He, he. Oh, and mighty

purity it is too.

That one's gonna take

a lot of timber.

Six and seven-eighths.

Business is picking up.

Yup, I reckon we've come far

enough, old pal. Time to rest up.

Howdy, stranger.

Nice day.

Disgusting.

Remind me to put up a notice

about that. "No spitting."

Yeah. Yeah, sure, Judge.

Yes, sir. What'll it be? Lemonade,

ginger beer, sarsaparilla?

Don't be funny. Whisky.

We're not allowed

to serve hard stuff

in Stodge, sir. Mayor's orders.

That is correct. But

I can thoroughly

recommend the ginger beer.

Don't you talk to me

about ginger beer.

- Who is this?

- Judge Burke.

I am the Mayor.

Better keep away from my horse. He

ain't seen a mare in three weeks.

Come on. Whisky.

Certainly not. We are

fully temperance.

I don't care if you're

full of flatulence.

I've been on the trail

six days non-stop.

I can't help that.

I don't like people

who get in my way.

I can't help that.

And I just shot three men who did.

I... Oh, well, in that case,

perhaps just a little one.

They keep a bottle

or two for me for

purely medicinal

purposes, of course.

- Leave the bottle.

- Oh, I say, I can't have that.

Bottoms up.

I'll just take that

gun of yours, cowboy.

What for?

I don't allow no

shooting at my place.

Lady, I wouldn't dream of

shooting at your place.

I'm not afraid to

use this, you know.

My, but you've got a big one.

I'm from Texas, ma'am. We all

got big ones down there.

And the other. Hand it over.

I'll take those, Belle.

Check them, will you, Charlie?

Thank you. Here's your ticket.

You can have them back when

you're ready to leave.

I ain't leaving for a while.

Oh, that's nice. We could do

with a bit of fun round here.

So you're Belle?

Yeah. My intimate friends

call me... Ding Dong.

Like to give you a

clang some time.

How about letting me

have a couple of rooms?

$10 a day, all in. Ok?

Oh, no. I'm sorry, Belle, I can't

have him staying in Stodge City.

Now, listen here, my good man.

I run this town and I can't

have any trouble around here.

You won't have to

worry about that.

I won't?

From now on, I'll be running it.

Yes...

Come on. I'll show you your rooms.

Do you mind putting

that away first?

Oh, why, sure.

Wow. What a hoister.

Disgusting.

I'm gonna get the Sheriff.

How about that? Three all at once.

Who says there ain't

no Santa Claus?

It's a disgrace. What's the use

of me putting these notices up?

Where's the Sheriff?

What's he doing?

Earp. Earp. Sheriff.

Sheriff. Oh, there you are.

Wake up. There's been a shooting.

It's all right. It's

all right. Don't

go mad. It's only me, Judge Burke.

Now, listen, there's

been a shooting.

- What's that?

- I say, there's been a shoo...

Oh, for heaven's sake,

where's your thing?

There's been a shooting.

Yeah?

There's three men

laying dead out there.

- Strange. I didn't hear nothing.

- I'm not surprised.

You never have your thing in.

It's my afternoon off, Judge.

I don't know what we pay

you for, really I don't.

- Who done it? Do you know?

- Some terrible looking rough.

He's over in Belle's place now.

You've got to run

him out of town. I

don't want that kind

of person here.

It lowers the tone of the

whole neighbourhood.

Well, don't you worry none, Judge.

We'll have him out

of here in an hour,

either head first or feet first.

- Yeah.

- That's right.

In my position, as Mayor...

For heaven's sakes, where

are your spectacles?

- What do you say?

- Your spectacles.

Er... around here some place.

Oh, here they are.

- Where?

- Here they are.

Ah. Here they are.

Yeah. That's better.

Well, here we go.

Oh. Here. There. That way.

Wait a minute. Here. For

Pete's sake. Now, there.

Yeah, well, thanks, Judge.

These specs ain't so good for

seeing things a long ways off.

He'll have to go.

Yahoo.

Forward ho.

Whoa.

Nice going, Lightning.

All right, get away from that bar,

stranger. And don't try nothing.

It's me, Sheriff. Charlie.

- Huh?

- Charlie.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Charlie. Didn't

recognise you from the front.

- Where's the killer?

- Up with Belle, Sheriff. Room 12.

- Room 12.

- Yup.

Yeah. Ok, thanks.

You have a good sleep, sweetheart.

See you later.

I reckon you Texans think more of

horses than you do of us women.

Naturally. If I was being

chased by a posse,

I wouldn't get very far on you.

If you were raising a family, you

wouldn't get far on a horse.

You in there.

You got five seconds to

come out with your hands up

or I'm coming in to get you.

Who's that?

That's Albert. Albert

Earp, our Sheriff.

- Are you coming out?

- Nope.

Then I'm coming in.

Where's the door?

All right, get out

of that bed, get

on your horse and

get out of Stodge.

That is his horse, Sheriff.

These dang glasses.

I'm better off without

'em. That's better.

There's liable to be some fancy

shooting around here, Miss Belle.

You'd better get the hell out.

You'd better put them specs on.

I'm the fella you're looking for.

- What was that?

- He's deaf.

I'm the fella you're looking for.

That's the game, is it?

Well, it takes more

than dressing up

in women's clothes

to fool me, mister.

On your way, cowboy... Cowboy?

I've had enough of this.

Look here, Twerp...

Name's Earp. Albert

Earp, without the "tw".

With or without, what's the

matter? What have I done wrong?

You've killed three men, mister.

I know that, but what

have I done wrong?

You wanna try drawing

on me, mister?

I can't. I ain't got my guns.

I'll give you five

seconds to find one.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Where are they?

- Four... five.

Sheriff. Sheriff.

Here. Are you all right?

I reckon I'm going, Judge.

Oh, don't go.

Listen... listen, friend.

Just tell my folks what

happened, will you?

They'll even the score.

Will you do that for me, friend?

Yes, of course.

- What's that?

- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Here. Yes. Of course.

There's no need to shout, Judge.

I'm wearing my specs.

It's I lucky I remembered

where you put that.

Oh, I do beg your

pardon, commissioner.

Damn it, Perkins, can't

you see I'm busy.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

This just wouldn't wait.

You think this will?

All right, all right. What's

so all-fired important?

It's another telegraph

from Stodge City, sir.

Judge Burke... He's the

Mayor there, you know.

Burke? Oh, yeah, I remember him

in law school. He's a bum.

I didn't know you studied

at law school, sir?

I didn't. I was the janitor.

What does the bum want?

Lawless elements have

completely taken over the town.

He wants us to send him a peace

marshal to clean the place up.

Why bother me with all this? Send

him a marshal. Anything for peace.

Well, that's just the trouble,

sir. We haven't any available.

Nobody?

What about that big head who

hangs around, looking for work?

What's his name? Dillon.

What's he doing?

Six months.

Oh. Well, looks like

we got a problem here.

Miss Jones, can you think

of something we can do?

Why, yes.

But hadn't we better get the

problem out of the way first?

Next.

- What can I do for you?

- I'd like a job, please.

- Name?

- Knutt.

With a "K".

Huh, you could have fooled me.

First name?

Marshal. Marshal P. Knutt.

Most of my friends

call me "Marsh".

Well, then, in that case, you

won't mind if I call you Marshal.

Profession?

Drainage, sanitation and garbage

disposal engineer, first class.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Qualifications?

Yes. I have a certificate from

Chipping Sodbur Technical College.

That's in England.

And a reference from Lady Pushing,

saying what a good job I did

on her main sludge channel,

cos it was all...

bunged up, you know.

And this was presented

to me by the

Chipping Sodbur Ladies' Guild,

In appreciation for

services rendered.

It's a sink plunger.

It's very interesting,

Mr Knutt. I fail

to see how it can be

of any use to us.

That's where you're wrong.

I don't mind telling you that

since I arrived in America,

I've been amazed by your

out-of-date methods.

For instance your way of disposing

of garbage is a load of rubbish.

And as for sanitation,

I think you'll agree

it's an absurd

waste of the President's

valuable time

to have to walk from

the White House

all the way to that little shed

at the bottom of the garden.

And as for your city streets...

Mr Knutt.

May I suggest

that you see the Public Works

Department down the corridor?

Oh, thank you. Thank

you very much.

Just a minute. Mr Knutt.

Would you please

take this with you?

Oh, yes. We mustn't

forget that, must we?

I'm terribly sorry.

Yes?

Well, what do you want?

I was told you might

give me a job.

Job? What job? Who

the blazes are you?

Knutt. Marshal P. Knutt.

Marshal? None available, huh?

Well, Marshal, you couldn't

have come at a better time.

- Really?

- Yes, sir.

How would you like to go and

clean up Stodge City for me?

Oh, very much, sir. In a

bit of a mess, is it?

You said it, Marshal.

One heck of a mess.

Funnily enough, I

was talking about

that problem to the man outside.

- Now, I have one or two theories.

- Yes, I'm sure you have, Marshal.

But I'm a pretty busy man,

so suppose you get down to Stodge

City and get to work, huh?

See Judge Burke. He'll

tell you what's doing.

Judge Burke. Yes, and

thank you very much.

Not at all, Marshal, not at all.

Stodge City.

Oh, right in the country.

Should be nice and peaceful.

Who was that? Who did it?

Isn't it sickening?

That's the tenth window

broken in two weeks.

Who was it, Judge?

Some of those horrible friends

of the Rumpo Kid, of course.

Look at my hat. Just look at it.

Three inches lower and it

would have been your head.

Don't say that.

Things have got pretty

rough here since he came.

Rough? It ain't safe for decent

folks to walk the streets.

I have to send my wife

out for everything.

Never mind. Things will get better

when they send that Marshal.

If they send him.

Oh... Why, hello, Sam.

What brings you into town?

I tell you what

brings me into town.

I lost 50 head of cattle

on my ranch last night.

Rustlers?

They certainly

weren't pickpockets.

Well, there's no need

to get all sarky.

50 head. What's more, my

prize bull was among 'em.

Not old Ramrod?

Yeah. How am I to raise

cattle without a bull?

Judge, you gotta do something.

Well, it's hardly in my

line of country, Sam.

You know darned well that Rumpo

Kid and his gang are behind this.

Yeah, you're probably right, Sam,

but how are you gonna prove it?

And stay out of here, bum.

Johnny.

How about this for business, huh?

Yeah, you sure have made a

difference to the place.

Well, I like to see a

bit of innocent fun.

Johnny, just look at

these beautiful furs.

Silver fox and he only

wants $50 a skin.

- Not bad.

- They'd make a lovely fur coat.

I don't like wearing fur.

No, Johnny, I meant for me.

I get it. You want me to

buy 'em for you, huh?

Just 500 the lot, mister.

Right. I just gotta get some money

from the bank. Won't be a minute.

Morning, Mr Rumpo, sir.

Anything for me today?

Not yet, Josh. Stick

around. It's early.

Hey, that's the

fourth in two weeks.

You're in the wrong business.

What's going on here?

What is it, Judge?

Don't look. Whatever

you do, don't look.

Why not?

You'll never believe it, but

there are women dancing in there

and showing their... under things.

- No.

- Right up to here.

What do they look like?

They're sort of black

and frilly, with

these little pink rosebuds on 'em.

What does it matter what they

look like? It's disgusting.

Why, in 15 years of married life,

I haven't even seen my wife's.

You don't need to worry. They

ain't got rosebuds on them.

I'm glad to hear it. I... What?

I'm kinda busy. I've got some

folk waiting in the surgery.

Oh, he must have seen

them on the clothesline.

- Yahoo.

- I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop this disgraceful

exhibition immediately.

Go on, get outta here.

And kindly adjust your

dress before leaving.

Hey. Just what do you think

you're doing, Judge?

Mr Kid, as Mayor of this town,

and guardian of law and order,

I must object most strongly

to this impropriety.

Impro... what?

All this jigging up and down

and lascivious dancing.

What? It's educational.

Educational? They never showed me

anything like that

when I was at school.

That's what I mean. It's

never too late to learn.

Sit down, Judge. Grab

yourself a piece of culture.

Culture? Just a minute.

I suppose you think

that's culture.

Nope. That's my Aunt Fanny.

She give me that as a sort

of house-warming present.

Artistic, ain't it?

But she ain't got no clothes on.

Certainly not. She's

in her working outfit.

- What?

- She's an artist's model.

I don't care if she's Lady Godiva.

She's gotta come

down. I can't have

that sort of thing around here.

I'm determined to keep

the Stodge out of sex.

The... the sex out of Stodge.

Suppose you get out of here

while you're in one piece.

I haven't finished yet.

Oh, no. There's something else.

You've got to stop shooting all

them cashiers at the bank.

Wait. You can't blame me for that.

They won't let me draw no money.

Before you draw money

out of a bank,

you're supposed to put some in.

That's a funny way to rob a bank.

And don't think I don't know who's

behind all the cattle rustling

that's been going on around here.

What cattle rustling?

You won't find no cows here. Not

the kind you're looking for.

Don't think you're gonna

get away with it, Rumpo.

I'm gonna get you. Do you hear me?

I'm gonna get you.

Now's as good a

time as any, Judge.

Don't get me wrong.

I was only joking.

Make me laugh some

more. Go for your gun.

Judge.

Judge... this telegraph

just come for you.

A-ha. It's from Washington.

They're sending down a

United States Marshal.

A what?

Yeah. Kinda changes

things, doesn't it?

He'll arrive on the first

stage from Denver. Huh.

Yeah.

Excuse me. Do you go all the way?

- I beg your pardon?

- All the way... to Stodge City?

Oh, yeah. I have a job

of work to do there.

Really? Oh, that's

marvellous. So do I.

I'm a drainage,

sanitation and garbage

disposal engineer, first class.

I just knew you'd be something

exciting like that.

I've been sent to

clean up the town.

I had something in mind

for myself like that.

- What are you going for?

- Vengeance.

Oh... What?

My father was Sheriff in Stodge

City and somebody shot him.

I'm going there to find out who.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But I don't think a

nice girl like you

should be doing things like that.

I mean, even if you do find out

who it was, what can you do?

Kill him?

It's no use, Johnny.

If a marshal's

coming to Stodge, we

may just as well

pack up and move on.

If he gets this far.

Well, how are you gonna stop him?

You take a shot at a peace marshal

and they'll send the whole

US Cavalry in to get you.

Belle's right, Kid. You

can't touch a Marshal.

I know. But just supposing that

stage was to get

raided by Indians?

Are you kidding?

There's only one lot of

Indians left around here

and they couldn't raid a larder.

Maybe we could give 'em a hand.

Come on, Charlie, Let's

go and talk to 'em.

Stop.

How. We come in peace.

Look, here, Mr... injun. We ain't

come here to buy a load of junk.

We wanna talk with the

big chief. Savvy?

You wait.

Big chief in little lodge.

Oh, hello.

Halt.

Meum big pale-faced

chief from-Stodge City.

Meum salute-big chief.

Meum want-powwow.

I say, you do talk funny.

You must be foreigners.

Why didn't you tell me

he could talk English?

I'm sorry, Kid. I didn't know.

Chief, this is Johnny Finger,

known as the Rumpo Kid.

Oh, how do you do?

And a very charming name.

I'm called Man Ooh-ah.

Roughly translated,

it means "Big Heap".

Very picturesque.

And this is my son Little Heap.

Or as we say, Mini Man Ooh-ah.

No, you can't have their scalps.

The very idea. He's scalp mad.

Glad to hear that, Chief. Maybe

we can help him get one.

Oh, no, don't encourage him.

We can sit down and

talk it over, can't we?

But, of course. Where

are my manners?

I think you'll find

this piece of ground

most comfortable. No sharp stones.

Son, tell my squaw to

fetch the peace pipe.

You'd care for a piece of pipe?

Be glad to, Chief. I

once talked peace

with the Sioux, but

you can't trust 'em.

One minute, it was peace

on, the next... peace off.

You won't have any trouble

with us, I can assure you.

Personally, I hate fighting.

Oh.

This is my new squaw, Kitikata.

I bought her for

two buffalo skins.

- How?

- Never mind how. Where?

What have you got in

there, old moccasins?

Thank you, no. I'm

trying to give it up.

I don't blame you.

You don't happen to have

any fire water, do you?

You like whisky?

Oh, my favourite brand.

Ah-ah. If I give you this, I

gotta have something in return.

She's yours.

Oh, no, not that.

Well... maybe... maybe

that on account.

- What else do you want?

- A certain fella got rid of.

Where is he? On the stage.

Oh. I don't blame you.

I can't stand actors

myself. Peculiar lot.

The stagecoach coming

in from Denver today.

All you gotta do is

raid it and get him.

Oh, I don't like

the sound of that.

I'm told they carry guns on these

stages. It might get rough.

Your favourite brand. Try some.

Plenty more where that come from.

Well...

Cory.

Down with Custer.

Slaughter the pale faces.

Massacre the lot.

Ah. That's the signal

from Little Heap.

That means they've

sighted the stage.

- Where?

- Well, there.

Don't you see the smoke signals?

Now, I must acknowledge them.

I'll be glad when this is over.

I feel a right Charlie in

this get-up, I can tell you.

You look great, a sort of a cross

between Hiawatha and Rose Marie.

Eurgh. I still I don't see why

we have to dress up like this.

Because we have to

look like injuns.

I don't trust that Big

Heap out of my sight.

Now, quit beefing and

give me that dynamite.

Come on, fella.

Here. If you can't stop that

stage any other way, use these.

Oh, thank you.

What are you messing about at?

I'm just trying to start a

fire to answer Little Heap.

- Try a match.

- Oh, dear me, no.

Why, my people have

been getting fire

this way for thousands of years.

It's such fun.

What's that got to do with it?

They got kids the same way

for thousands of years, too.

Well?

Carry on with the sticks.

All right, get on your horses.

I say. It's never worked

as well as that before.

Oh, we've stopped.

So we have. And I

should think so, too.

12 hours is a long time in

a coach with no corridor.

Well, where is it?

We ain't stopped for that,

mister. Looked up over there.

Injuns.

- What?

- Injuns?

You mean railway engines?

Red injuns. Them's smoke signals.

- What do they mean?

- Danged if I know.

Oh, I can tell you.

I bought a useful phrase

book in Washington.

Smoke signals...

Ah, here it is. Now,

what are they saying?

Puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff-puff, puff.

Here it is. "Please

direct me to the

ladies' or gentlemen's cloakroom."

That can't be right, can it?

Well, if it is, Indians

can't be very particular.

Yeah, well, I ain't hanging around

here, listening to you puffing.

Cos all I know is, where there's

injuns, there's trouble.

Trouble? Oh, don't be silly.

There hasn't been any trouble

with Indians for years.

They're perfectly friendly now.

Call that friendly?

Oh, they're only playing.

They wouldn't hurt us.

Some game.

Now, what are we gonna do,

mister? Play with 'em?

Now, don't panic. It's all right.

I know what to do. Form a circle.

Yes, that's it. Form a circle.

With one coach?

Oh, yes, that would be difficult.

If you two don't mind,

I'll get back in.

- That's a good idea.

- Oh, no, you don't, mister.

We're gonna need ever

man that we've got.

Now, you get a hold of that, get

up there and start shooting.

I don't know what we would

have done without him.

I'd better get to work, I suppose.

I got one.

Two that time, with

only one bullet.

Look, they've shot

three of my braves.

What do you want them to do?

Use bullets with

those little rubber

suction cups stuck on the end?

Here, have a drop more courage.

That does it.

Little Heap.

- What are you doing?

- I'm calling off the attack.

Oompah. Stickity.

Jumper. Bloody quick.

They're going.

Hey, come back. You gonna let one

little fella chase you away?

You call yourself braves?

I've seen braver cowards.

Wh-wh-wh-what happened?

Eugh.

They've run away.

They've had enough.

Well, yeah, you get down off there

and we get out of here

before they come back.

What hit me?

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

What happened to him?

Oh, it was just the

excitement, I guess.

Oh.

- Get him in the coach.

- Hold this a minute.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Come on, giddup. Giddup.

Giddup.

- Do you drive?

- Who? Me? Er, yes, I suppose so.

Well, I should start,

if I were you.

There's still a couple of

Indians left over there.

Oh, right.

Yah. Yah.

Come on. Whoa.

We got to finish this

off ourselves, Charlie.

Is he mad?

Looks like it. I'm getting

out of here. Giddup.

Ow.

Charlie. Charlie. Help.

Oh. Where you been?

You want help getting

on your horse, Kid?

Are you joking?

Oh.

Ah, shut up.

Oh.

Shut up.

- Is he gonna be all right, Doc?

- Yeah, reckon so.

Pity.

He's coming round.

Something wrong with your drains.

He's delirious. Ah, poor feller.

- Indians. Indians.

- Where?

Listen, don't worry. You're

gonna be quite safe now.

He's gonna be all right. He's

just a bit shook up, that's all.

Pity.

Don't keep saying that.

It gets on my nerves.

What exactly happened, Bert?

Well, I don't rightly

know, for sure.

But from what Miss

Oakley here says,

This young fella shot three injuns

and drove the rest of 'em away.

Amazing. Is that right, miss?

Well, there was only him.

You couldn't expect a defenceless

little thing like

me to do anything?

I suppose not.

It seems incredible.

Well, I think he was

just wonderful.

I don't know what I'd

have done without him.

Oh, it was nothing.

If you'll excuse me, I'd

like to get settled in.

There is a hotel

here, isn't there?

Yes, but I wouldn't

recommend it, Miss Oakley.

They get a funny lot in there.

I think I can take care

of myself, thank you.

- I'll take you over, Miss.

- Ah, thank you.

Gosh, this sure is heavy.

Just a few feminine,

little knick-knacks.

Yeah.

Oh, she's lovely.

You won't have time for that sort

of thing. You've got work to do.

Don't worry, sir. I'm very keen

to get started right away.

That's the spirit. I'll show

you your office, Marshal.

Marshal? How did you know my name?

Washington told me

you were coming.

I am Judge Burke, the Mayor.

That's right. The Judge's folk

founded Stodge City, Marshal.

My great grandfather came

over here on the Mayflower.

He was the original Burke.

He married into the Wright family

and became a Wright-Burke.

The whole family are

Wright-Burkes, Marshal.

Charming.

"Rumpo's Place". It

sounds pretty exclusive.

Yeah. The Rumpo Kid, that is,

miss. He runs this town.

Don't you have a Sheriff?

We did have, but he sort of died.

- Oh, really? How?

- Lead poisoning.

Who shot the lead into him?

I can't say, miss.

And if I was you, I wouldn't ask

questions like that

around these parts.

Right, in here. Charlie will

fix you up with a room.

Here we are, Marshal.

Thank you, Judge, but I wish you'd

call me Marsh like my friends do.

- Marsh?

- Yes, it's short for Marshal.

Oh, I couldn't do a

thing like that.

You couldn't?

No. It'd be like me calling

the Sheriff "Sheree".

People around here would have

thought that mighty peculiar.

Well, this is it.

How do you like it?

Oh, it's very cosy.

And there's a nice bedroom

for you through there,

and plenty of guns for you to use.

Oh, thank you very much.

But what do I want guns for?

Don't tell me you've

got rats around here.

Have we got rats?

Ever since the Rumpo

Kid came to town,

the place has been full of them.

That's not so good. They didn't

tell me that was your problem.

Well, never mind. I'm sure

you'll get rid of them.

Oh, yes. Mind you,

I won't be going

round shooting these rats, Judge.

The thing to do is to find out

where they do their breeding.

- Really?

- So as you don't get any more.

Well, that sounds like a

long-term policy to me.

Still, I'm sure you must

know what you're doing.

Oh, yes. In my experience, they

usually do it down in the drains.

You must have had some

very funny experiences.

I have. Well, you can't be a

drainage engineer

without, you know.

A what?

A drainage engineer.

That's my job.

But you're a Marshal.

No, Marshal's my name.

Marshal P. Knutt.

Drainage, sanitation and garbage

disposal engineer, first class.

They sent me down

here to clean the

place up. Didn't they tell you?

But we want a peace Marshal,

not a drainee Marshal.

Drainage... age... age.

Oh. Don't you

understand? This town

is full of gunmen and outlaws.

That's what we want cleaned up.

You mean, there

isn't a job for me?

Of course there isn't a job for...

Wait a minute.

None around here knows you're

not a real Marshal, do they?

Oh, Annie Oakley. I

told her my job.

Oh, she don't matter.

And you did shoot all them

Indians single-handed?

Granted, yes.

Come to think of it, you'll

make a marvellous Marshal.

Who, me?

Yes. You'll clean up Stodge City.

Oh, you'll become

the most admired,

the most feared man in the West.

Oh, they'll write books about you.

I can see it: "The Legend

of Marshal P. Knutt."

"The Legend of Marshal P. Knutt."

Curly, round up the boys.

We've got a job on tonight.

Sure thing, Kid.

- Give me a drink, Charlie.

- You ought to know, Mr Rumpo,

that woman that's

staying here's asking

a lot about Sheriff Earp's death.

What woman who's staying here?

She came in on the stage.

I let her have a room.

- Where is she?

- Upstairs. Room 11.

What are you gonna do?

I don't like women who

ask awkward questions.

She's going out of here

on her big, fat bustle.

Come in.

All right, lady, just

pack your bags and...

I thought you were

the chambermaid.

I am.

You don't look too much

like a chambermaid to me.

It's my day off.

You must be the one they

call the Rumpo Kid, huh?

Yep. That's me.

And you want me to pack

my bags and leave?

Leave? Where did

you get that idea?

Well, I thought... What did

you come in here for, then?

Just to say welcome.

I hope you have a long

and friendly stay here.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

You just ask for anything you

want. It's all on the house.

Thank you. Right now I'd

like to get out of my bath.

Oh. Give you a hand?

No, no, but you can pass

a towel if you like.

Yep.

Here you are.

All right, I won't look.

- No?

- Nope.

Oh, well. Worth a try.

Yeah, well... it was er...

nice er... seeing you.

And you, too. You've

been very sweet to me.

Well, did you do it?

- Did I do what?

- Did you tell her to go?

Oh, that. Yeah, sure. I

gave it to her straight,

Cards on the table, man to man.

Man to man, huh?

Yup. Right between the eyes.

So she's going?

Nope. The fact is,

Belle, she's straight.

I reckon she's not

trying to hide nothing.

She couldn't. Not in that bath.

You're right there.

Boy, has she got...

Oh. You saw.

Yeah, well, I happened

to be standing here

and the keyhole came

up against my eye.

Well... then you saw for yourself.

I mean, she's nice... a nice girl.

You can't go throwing a poor

little thing like that out.

You know how it is.

Yeah, yeah. I know just how it is.

Reckon she does know

how it is, too.

The Rumpo Kid. He's the one

we gotta get something on.

He's behind everything

that's going on around here.

Why didn't you just run

him out of town, then?

Everybody's scared stiff of him.

Except me, of course.

Pardon me.

Mind if I come in?

Why, of course, Mr Rumpo. We're

always delighted to see you.

I wanted to meet the new Marshal.

Oh, thank you.

I thought I'd tip you off.

There's going to

be another raid on

Colonel Houston's cattle tonight.

What? How do you know?

A stranger came into my place

and told one of the girls.

- You don't say.

- Yup.

The girl's not involved, mind you.

She's a nice, pure, innocent kid.

He just happened to

talk in his sleep.

Well, thank you for

telling me, Mr Rumpo.

A pleasure, Marshal.

Any time I can do

anything to help, don't

be afraid to ask.

Gentlemen, if you'll pardon me,

I've promised to talk to

the ladies' sewing circle.

He doesn't seem such a bad fellow.

Don't you believe it.

There's something funny

going on around here.

Why, I'm almost positive

that he and his gang

are doing all the cattle

rustllng around here.

Impossible. He wouldn't have come

in and told us if it was him.

No. No, that's a point.

We've gotta do some

quick thinking.

"Tonight," he said. That's today.

That's pretty quick thinking.

Don't overdo it. Leave it to me.

Now, let me see... Now...

The best plan would be for you

to ride out there after dark

and surprise 'em.

All by myself?

No. You gotta take

a posse with you.

- Why? Don't they like cats?

- A posse. Not a pussy.

You can't go out there

and handle a whole

gang of rustlers

and killers all by yourself.

- Can't I?

- No, no.

You've got to find some brave and

public-spirited

citizens to help you.

Oh, yes, I see.

Like you, you mean.

Exactly.

Except that,

unfortunately, tonight

I have another engagement.

Any other night, of course.

But don't worry. You're

bound to find somebody.

Yeah.

Yup.

Howdy, Marshal.

What can I do for you?

Well, actually, I'm

trying to get up a posse.

Oh? For tonight, you mean?

That's right. I

thought perhaps you

and a few of your men could er...

Oh, it's a pity, Marshal. I'm

sorry. We can't help you tonight.

We got a little choir practise. I

promised the boys. Right, boys?

Oh. It's funny, but

everyone I've asked

so far seems to be

doing something else.

Ah, gee, that's tough,

Marshal. Ain't it?

Wait a minute. I'll

tell you what I'll

do. I'll give you two

of my boys. Short.

- Yeah, boss.

- I got a little job for you.

Take these two, Marshal.

Short and Curly.

How do you do?

Who was that?

Just Rumpo and some

of the boys, Marshal.

Oh. Off to their choir practise.

I'm sorry if I'm

making you miss yours.

That's all right, Marshal. We'll

get up extra early and do some.

Oh, good. By the way, I've

got your Deputy badges.

No, thank you, Marshal.

It ain't wise to wear them.

Makes too easy a target.

Oh... yes.

Well, I suppose we'd

better be off, then.

Yup. Got a horse all

ready for you, Marshal.

Oh... yes. Yes, that's

a horse, all right.

Looks like you forgot to

fasten your girth, Marshal.

Hey, come back. Horse.

Horse.

The herd seems mighty restless.

You hear anything, Joe?

Nice work. When

you're through, take

a handful of steers

up to Bear Pass.

I'm going to see Sam

Houston. Come on.

- Howdy, mister.

- Howdy, Colonel.

I was just up in the high

ground getting the stock in.

I've just seen some

fellas making off

with a whole heap of your cattle.

The hell you say.

- Jake. Get them ready to ride.

- Sure thing, Colonel.

I'm mighty grateful

to you, mister.

Whereabouts you saw 'em?

They were just coming

over Bear Pass.

- What you say?

- Bear... Pass.

Oh. My hearing isn't

so good these days.

That's the cattle, all right.

They've got the Bar

X brand on 'em.

Well, where are all

the rustlers, then?

Well, I reckon just the

sight of you, Marshal,

must have scared them away.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

Well, what are we

gonna do now, then?

Well, I reckon the

best thing we can do

is to leave you to

look after them steers

while we ride and

get us some help.

Just what I was going to suggest.

- There they are, Colonel.

- Yeah.

Come on. Let's get 'em. Hah.

Colonel Houston?

Yeah. That's me.

Oh.

Do you mind if I do this, Colonel?

As an upright and law-abiding

citizen of Stodge City

and a lifelong friend

of Sheriff Earp,

I consider it my duty.

Your privilege, sir.

What do you think you're doing?

You're making a terrible

mistake, you know.

I can sue you for this.

I've got my rights.

Pipe down, will you?

What are you getting

so excited about?

I can't help it. I've always

been nervous and highly strung.

You're about to be

strung even higher, pal.

Right, we'll just take the

other end and make it...

good and tight.

Yahoo.

Ruffians.

Marshal. Marshal.

It's me, Judge Burke.

What are you doing in there? You

can't stay locked up all the time.

You're supposed to be

keeping law and order.

Oh, no.

He's out to get me. I

know it. That Rumpo.

Don't be silly. They wouldn't

dare do anything to a US Marshal.

"Wouldn't dare do

anything," he says.

Judge, I was nearly

hanged the other

night, like a common criminal.

Oh, you don't wanna

worry about that.

Some of my best friends

have been hanged.

There ain't no stigma

attached to it out West.

Well, they can't fool me.

It was Rumpo's doing.

He arranged the whole thing.

Oh, come on, now. You're

imagining things.

Both he and old Sam apologised

very nicely the next day.

It was a natural mistake to

make in the circumstances.

Do I look like a cattle rustler?

No, but you don't look like a

sanitary inspector either.

I am not a sanitary

inspector. I am

a sanitation engineer,

first class.

Do you want everybody to hear?

Look, first of all the Indian

attack on the stage coach.

Then this cattle

rustling business.

That didn't happen by accident.

That was planned to get

me out of the way.

And it would have worked if that

fella hadn't come to my rescue.

Yeah, who was he?

I don't know. He just untied

my hands and he galloped off.

But I'd know him again, all right.

How?

He had a very strong

smell of perfume.

Really?

We're getting a funny

lot round here.

Who is it?

Sam Houston.

What is it? What's the matter?

They were at my place again last

night. Yes. Got away with 40 head.

Who were they? Did you see 'em?

It was too dark to see much.

Yeah, but I recognised it

was one of Rumpo's men.

Marshal, you've

gotta do something.

Well, I don't see what I

can do without any proof.

Here's proof for you.

Take a look at that.

You match up those hoof prints

and you've got your man.

But how did they get up there?

What have you been doing?

Well, I was out courting.

There's no law against it.

No, no, of course

not, but I can think

of more comfortable

places to do it.

Marshal, I think it's time you

and Rumpo had a little talk.

Well, if you think

there's evidence.

You know, personally, I don't...

Now, there's nothing

to be afraid of.

They wouldn't dare do

anything to a US Marshal.

Here they come now. Stop 'em.

Well, gentlemen, a toast.

To our own beloved

Marshal P. Knutt,

accidentally run over today by a

band of unknown horsemen, RIP.

What's the matter?

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ And we're not too old ♪

♪ Why wait for fate to

give you a shove? ♪

♪ When I am yours ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ This is the night for love ♪

♪ For I am willing ♪

♪ And awfully weak ♪

♪ And just the kind to

take advantage of ♪

♪ So why not push ♪

♪ Your new lucky streak? ♪

♪ This is the night for love ♪

♪ My arms are yearning ♪

♪ To hold you ever so near ♪

♪ My lips are burning ♪

♪ Just for your kiss ♪

♪ There's no returning ♪

♪ To me it's all very clear ♪

♪ There'll never be

another night like this ♪

♪ So hold me close ♪

♪ Till daylight is near ♪

♪ Closer than a hand in a glove ♪

♪ And say those words ♪

♪ I'm longing to hear ♪

♪ This is the night for

holding me tight ♪

♪ For this ♪

♪ Is the night for love? ♪

I didn't know you could sing.

Well, I've hardly seen anything

of you since I arrived.

Have you er... been avoiding me?

I should say not. I got a lot

of business to do lately.

At night?

Why, it's the most

convenient time.

My customers are asleep then.

Say, it's awful crowded in here.

Is there somewhere private

where we could talk?

Yep. My office. I got a nice big

couch there for

sitting, talking on.

Well, what are we

waiting for, then?

Well, you go right ahead. I

just gotta get something.

Ok.

Charlie, quick. Come on,

Charlie. Gimme a bottle.

Sure thing, Kid. Champagne?

What else?

You... you can't

go to her, Johnny.

Don't talk so silly.

Don't turn our story into a

burning tale of lust, jealousy

and passion under a

white-hot desert sun.

Don't make it a saga

of sex, vengeance

and sudden death in

the primitive West.

Are you delirious?

But, Johnny, she's no good. Take

it from me, she's after something.

If you get out of the

way, she's gonna get it.

But, Johnny, have you forgotten?

I'm your little Ding Dong.

I hate to have to say it, but

your Ding has lost its Dong.

Reckon you lost him, Belle.

How about doing a little

something for me?

Ok.

Here's to us.

Oh, no, Johnny. No, don't.

Annie, I'd do anything for you.

I'd buy you diamonds, furs.

I'll make you a partner.

I'll shave ever day.

I know, but, you see, it's no use.

- I'm saving myself for another.

- Another what?

- Another man.

- Who?

The man who killed the

man who killed my man.

I got lost. Would you

mind repeating that?

Ok, I'll try and explain.

You see, there once was a Sheriff

here called Earp, Albert Earp.

Yeah, what about him?

Well, a long time ago, he once

shot somebody very dear to me,

and I just long for

somebody to kill Earp.

They have. He's dead.

I know.

And whoever it was that shot Earp

is the one I'm saving myself for.

You see, I have nothing

else to offer as a reward.

It was me. I shot the old codger.

- You're...

- The man who killed the man

who killed your man.

Oh, I hoped it would be

you. My search is ended.

You can stop saving yourself now.

- Oh, no, no. Not this way.

- What other way is there?

I mean, not here. Not

here in an office.

Come to my room at ten o'clock

and I'll be waiting for you.

- Your room?

- Huh.

Ten o'clock?

You'll be waiting?

What are you doing?

That ain't fair. They

said you were dead.

A fine doctor you

turned out to be.

No, he was dead when I took

his pulse. I swear it.

When you took his pulse?

I never thought of that.

My watch has stopped.

What happened?

Rumpo and his gang, they rode

their horses right over you.

Well, that does it. I've had

just about enough of Rumpo.

I'll get something on him if

it's the last thing I do.

It probably will be. Yeah.

We're here.

Oh, good. What's on the clock?

Little Heap make no charge

for his own father.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Well, now you can run along

home, straight home.

No stopping to pick up

any stray bits of scalp.

You take big risk, going

in saloon, Father.

Rumpo say he kill you

if he see you again.

Well, I can't help that.

I've got to have fire water.

How you buy fire water

with no dollars?

Aha-ha. Big Heap has inherited all

the cunning of his forefathers.

Give me a hand, son.

Gold strike at Bear Creek.

It never fails. It never fails.

Oh.

One minute to ten. Her room,

and she'll be waiting.

- Oh, hello.

- How.

Who's that?

It's me, Rumpo. Are you ready?

Could you wait just

one moment, honey?

Ok. Come on in.

Down with Custer.

Big Heap. Just a minute,

sweetheart. I forgot something.

Let's all go and

hold up the stage.

Big Heap. What the heck

are you doing here?

It's my old friend,

the Crumpet Kid.

Rumpo Kid.

Same thing. I say,

remember you got

me to hold up that stagecoach?

Shut up. You want the

whole town to hear?

What is this? Where is everybody?

Charlie. What's going

on? Where you been?

I'm sorry, Kid.

Some joker came in,

shouting that there

was a gold strike at Bear Creek.

Was there?

I got three miles

before I remembered.

There ain't no place

called Bear Creek.

Big Heap take heap big

pale face mickey.

It was him. I'll kill him.

No, no. I don't want

no trouble, not now.

I've got some important business

waiting. Lock him

up in the office.

Get him out of here. Quick.

Hold it right there, Rumpo.

Now what?

Marshal.

That's right. I want

to talk to you.

Ok. Drop by tomorrow. I'm

kinda busy right now.

Are you gonna walk down or

do I have to shoot you down?

Ok.

Fantastic. A fella can't even

live up to his name these days.

- What do you want?

- Rumpo...

I'm taking you in.

You couldn't take

in dirty washing.

You heard me. I'm taking you in.

If you feel like

trying to stop me,

just you try it.

I'm ready for you.

I told you that was too loose.

I can't wear it any tighter.

It pinches me tummy.

Oh, you can laugh, Rumpo,

but we've really got

something on you this time.

Go on, Marshal, you tell him.

Well, it seems that last night

Colonel Houston's ranch

was raided again by rustlers.

- What's that got to do with me?

- That's got a lot to do with you.

They got away with 40 cows.

- Bullocks.

- I know what I'm talking about.

So do I. They was bullocks.

Oh, what does it matter if

they was cows or bullocks?

It matters to them.

Oh, this ain't getting us nowhere.

Now, take a look at this.

This here hide came

off a Bar X steer

and we found it in your stable.

Yeah, and that ain't all. The hoof

prints on the back of my coat

match up with those of your horse.

You may as well admit it,

Rumpo. You stole his cattle.

We've got you by the shorthorns.

I'd like to help you,

but unfortunately

I loaned my horse

to somebody else last night.

What? Where were you?

Here, all night. Belle will

tell you what I was doing.

Not in my court, she won't.

I'm sorry, gentlemen,

but the fella you

want is the fella

that used my horse last night.

- Who was it?

- An injun, name of Big Heap.

Oh. Well, it looks like we've

got the wrong man, Judge.

That's right. If you'll pardon

me, I got business to attend to.

Yeah, but just you watch it,

Rumpo, because I aim to get you.

Yeah, you'll see. We'll

get something on you yet.

That's far enough, Marshal.

Shall I plug 'em, Kid?

Nope.

Yes. Go on, let him.

Go on, Charlie.

- Hey, steady, Judge.

- That's exactly what we want.

Then we'll have something on

them. Use your nut, Knutt.

Oh, Judge. You know we got more

sense than to shoot a US Marshal.

Charlie was only kidding.

Now, would you get out of here,

please? We're closing

for the night.

All right. But we'll be back.

- Now?

- No. Get out, you old fool.

Come on.

Well, here we go.

I heard you in there, Kid.

That was a smart trick, saying

Big Heap stole those steers.

Yeah. But if the Marshal talks

to him, we're in trouble.

Like me to get rid of him?

Later. Just keep him locked up for

now. I gotta see Miss Oakley.

- Why? What's she done?

- Nothing yet. That's the trouble.

Hey, Kid. Big Heap's gone.

This just ain't my night.

He must have got out

through the window.

Don't just stand there. He

can't be far away. Come on.

- Up the Indians.

- Hey, you can't do that.

We gotta get him out

of there quick.

It's not gonna be easy, with

that Marshal sleeping there.

No. We'll have to

keep him occupied.

Why did this have

to happen tonight?

I'll get Curly and the boys.

You tell Miss Oakley I've

been unavoidably detained.

Leave it to me, Kid.

Come and get it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I

thought you were somebody else.

Good night, Mum.

Yes?

Just hold it right there.

I hope that's your gun, Marshal.

Miss Belle. What are you doing

here? Think of your reputation.

You think about it and stop

asking stupid questions.

Stop. What are you

getting undressed for?

- I wanna catch up with you.

- What? Oh.

Oh, you don't have to be so

modest with me, Marshal.

You're a fine looking

man, you know.

I am?

I kinda go for men

who wear long-come.

I knew a fella who escaped

from prison in a pair of come.

He got out through the

trap door at the back.

Yes. Coms really do

something to me.

They do something

to me, too. Itch.

You didn't come here just

to talk about underwear.

You're right, Marshal.

- How would you like it...

- Oh, no.

If I gave you proof that Rumpo

was behind the stage hold-up

and the cattle rustling?

What? But why are you

telling me all this?

Maybe it's because I go

for you, Marshal, honey.

Don't you feel it, that

certain something between us?

Yes. It's my hot water bottle.

No, we were meant for

each other, you and me.

We go together like ham and eggs.

Oh, Mother.

What was that? Are you

expecting anyone?

- No, of course not.

- If it's Rumpo, he'll kill me.

- I must hide.

- Where?

- Under the bed. Quick.

- Good idea.

No, not you, you fool. Me.

Miss Oakley.

Marshal, I've come

to give myself up.

I've just killed a man.

Well, we all make silly

mistakes now and then.

- Killed a man?

- Huh.

Charlie the barman. But it

was an accident, I swear it.

Of course it was.

How did it happen?

- I shot him with a shotgun...

- Oh.

A rifle, and two revolvers.

- It must have been some accident.

- It was.

I thought it was the Rumpo Kid.

You see, I found out

tonight that he

was the one that

killed Sheriff Earp.

Oh, Marsh, I feel

just... terrible.

Oh, there, there.

Don't worry about

it. Come and sit

down for a minute.

Ah. Oh.

My gun.

You're very sweet. I feel sort

of safe with you somehow.

That's what they all say.

Oh, have you known

lots of girls, then?

Oh, no. No, none at all.

It's my job, I suppose.

You don't get to meet

them down drains.

Well, I'm glad because I've never

felt like this about

anybody before.

Really?

I feel like we sort of go together

like... strawberries and cream.

- Or ham and eggs.

- Yeah, ham...

Oh, Lord.

I'm sorry, Marshal, but

I can't lie there,

Listening to this witch talking

out the back of her bustle.

- No other girls, huh?

- Wait a minute. I can explain.

Oh, don't bother.

And with an old bag like that.

And who are you

calling an old bag?

You, old bag, I'm

calling an old bag.

Ah. You cat. I'll get you. Ah.

Ah.

Think of the neighbours.

Ladies, please.

Now, look what you've done. Oh,

I'm sorry, Marshal, really, I am.

Marsh, honey, are you all right?

There, there. Belle

will make it up to you.

Take your hands off

him, you big troll.

Look, you leave him

alone, you harpy.

I said I can take care

of him, you cowgirl.

Cowgirl? If I called you that,

I'd only be half right.

Why, you...

Oh. Oh, Marsh. Marsh, honey.

There he is.

- I get-quick.

- Not so fast. I'll handle this.

- Me want-Daddy.

- We going to get-Daddy.

Now, shut-up.

- Dolores, come here.

- What?

Get yourself into the

Marshal's office.

Keep him occupied a half-hour.

- How?

- What do you want, diagrams?

Well, half an hour's a long time.

What are we gonna talk about?

I should have known better.

Remember the things

your ma told you

not to do when you came out West?

- Yes.

- Do 'em.

- There, there, my poor boy.

- Leave him alone. He's mine.

- He's mine.

- He's mine.

No, please, ladies.

Rumpo.

Why, hello there, you

old Marshal, honey.

What is this? What do you want?

Now, that's not a

nice way to talk to

a little old girl who's dropped by

just to keep you all

from getting lonesome.

Oh, you needn't have bothered.

I've been anything but lonesome.

Oh, don't be like

that, Marshal, honey.

Why, since the first time I saw

you, I've been crazy

about you all.

You and me, we'll go together like

pancakes and syrup, I reckon.

All you people think

about is food.

Doesn't anyone around here go

together like man and woman?

Now you're talking

my kind of language.

Oh, no, no. No, stay away.

Land sakes, what are

they all doing here?

You get out of here,

you little tramp.

Don't you worry.

I don't aim on sharing him with

a couple of old hags like you.

I got my pride.

Why, you...

Oh, no, you don't.

I know it's the Wild West,

but this is ridiculous.

Do you want to be a hero?

Stick that in the keyhole.

Keyhole?

Yeah, keyhole... Er keyholeum.

Ah, keyholieum. Why you no say?

White man speak

with forked tongue.

Well, go on. It's only

a half-minute fuse.

Soon as it blows, we get Big

Heap and get out of town fast.

No can stick in keyholeum.

Key in keyholeum.

Well, take the key out.

Ah.

"Key in keyholeum."

Oh, no. Come back.

Here is key.

- Quiet. Quiet.

- Well, what is it?

I thought I heard something.

Little Heap?

Where the heck is he?

What a send-up. Get Big Heap.

Let's get out of here.

Big Heap.

Would you believe it?

Big Heap. Come on, wake up.

You girls stay in

here. Understand?

All right, carry him out.

Oh, no, you don't. Stick

'em up. Get back in.

Go on, get back. Back. Now. Reach.

So that's your little game?

Trying to help a prisoner escape.

Just one more charge

against you, Rumpo.

What do you mean, Marshal?

We just dropped in for a

friendly visit, that's all.

We ain't done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong? Holding

up the stage,

cattle rustling,

shooting a Sheriff.

- You're crazy.

- Don't you believe it.

I've all the evidence in

there, and witnesses.

Don't you try it,

Rumpo. Just you try it.

I'm not a fool, you know. I know

what I'm doing. I'm

holding you all.

Right. In there, all of you.

Go on. And take him with

you. Go on, inside.

You mean, in there?

Yes. Now, get a move on,

before I lose my temper.

Well, come on, boys, you heard

the Marshal. Get in there.

Everybody inside. Come on, move.

That's the idea.

You picked the wrong man to

tangle with this time, Rumpo.

- Now, where's the key?

- Right here.

What? Oh.

And I'll take that, too, I think.

You know, Marshal, you were right.

You're too smart for

the likes of us.

I'm just gonna get

out of Stodge City.

But wait a minute. Come back.

No, please. Somebody, help.

We've got him for you, Rumpo.

Bring him in.

Big Heap.

Confidentially, Big Heap

have heap big hang-over.

Get out of here. Go on home.

Oh. Do you mean I'm not

a prisoner any more?

Nope. You can't tell the Marshal

any more than he knows already.

Get in there.

Oh. How absolutely lovely.

Do you mind?

You see, I've always wanted

a scalp with a bobble on.

Get out of here. Go home.

Uncivilised lot.

What is the meaning

of this outrage?

Why have I been brought here?

Shut up. Sit down.

What are you getting

so excited about?

What am I getting excited about?

Taken from my bed at gunpoint.

Not even allowed to

put my slippers on.

Have you ever tried riding a

horse barefoot? It hurts.

It could have been worse. You

might have been in the bath.

Gagged and blindfolded, with a

revoltingly filthy handkerchief.

I hate to think where

that had been.

I couldn't have you knowing

where my hideout was, could I?

I don't know what you've got

to hide out from, I'm sure.

Don't you know what happened

in town last night?

Somebody ratted on me

and now the Marshal has got more

than enough on me to string me up.

Oh, really? Well, I had to

go out of town last night.

We found him at the

widow Rawlins' place.

You dirty old man.

You're supposed to

be dead against

that sort of thing.

I happen to be her lawyer.

Ever since her husband died,

I've been handling everything.

I bet you have.

This is insufferable. Why have

you brought me here, I say?

Well, Judge, I'll tell you.

We're gonna make a deal.

You get rid of that Marshal...

and I will give you a rake-off.

- A what-off?

- A rake-off.

A percentage of everything

I get from running Stodge.

Are you attempting to

bribe me, a judge,

a dedicated defender

of law and order a

sworn enemy of crime

and corruption?

- Yep.

- How much?

- A quarter.

- I'll take it.

Provided you get rid

of the Marshal.

He ain't really a Marshal at all.

What?

No. It was all a mistake. He's

really a sanitary engineer. Ha ha.

Are you trying to tell me,

Johnny Finger, the Rumpo Kid,

that I have been run

out of town by a...

plumber?

Yeah. You can see the

funny side of it.

Shut up.

The deal's off. I'll

take care of him myself.

I'll fill him so full

of holes they'll

use him for straining cabbage.

How nice. Well, if

you'll excuse me...

Not so fast. I ain't

finished with you yet.

We want Knutt.

Patience, folks.

Patience. Patience.

He'll be out any minute now.

Any minute? You've

been saying that

since one o'clock this morning.

We're doing the best

we can, Marshal.

Why are those people

out there, anyway?

Don't you know? You're a hero.

Rumpo and his boys have moved out.

Some hero. Locked in

one of his own cells.

Teach you to come in here

and ask me for a quick one.

Hey, Marsh, the Rumpo

Kid's got Judge Burke.

What are they gonna do to him?

I don't know, but I don't like it.

You have to get out of Stodge.

Get out of Stodge? I can't

even get out of here.

Ok, fellas, just stand aside.

Gosh, that was marvellous, Annie.

I would never have

thought of doing that.

Marshal. Marshal, come quick.

- What is it?

- Look.

- It's Judge Burke.

- So it is.

- Is he...? Is he...?

- No, he ain't.

Get me off this thing, will you?

You're ok, Judge. Just plumb

exhausted, that's all.

So would you be if you'd been

riding like this for four hours,

with the hot sun beating

down upon your... progress.

What happened to you, Judge?

Rumpo and his men. They're

coming to get you.

- Who? Me?

- Yeah.

They know you're not

a real Marshal.

They're gonna be here at

12 o'clock high noon.

High noon? Why high noon?

I know. I told them it was

a most unoriginal time

for that kind of thing, but

they wouldn't listen. Oh.

Well, you all heard

what the Judge said.

Rumpo and his men, they'll be

coming back to Stodge at 12.

Now, I reckon if we all

stand together, we could...

Wait. Doc, you'll stand

up with me, won't you?

Well, I'd like to, son, but

I'm a kind of busy man.

Got a lot of calls to make.

Josh?

Well, it looks like I'm

gonna be kinda busy myself.

But you don't need to worry. I

already got your measurements.

It's useless.

Marshal, you must get out of

here. It's only ten o'clock.

No. I may not be a real Marshal,

but I took this job and I

aim to see it through.

You can't take on Rumpo and

his whole gang single-handed.

Well, you wouldn't think

much of me if I ran away.

And, anyway, I'm a pretty good

shot. Remember the Indians? Pow.

I never wanted to have

to tell you this,

but... it was me that

shot those Indians.

- You?

- Through the stage window.

Oh. That explains how I managed

to get three with two shots.

Just a minute.

Oh, yes. And it was

you who saved me

from that hanging the other night?

You'd make some man

a good husband.

Oh, come on. You can't

help being what you are.

But just get out of here.

Go back to your drains.

Yes, that's about all I'm

fit for, isn't it? Drains.

Drains.

Oh, wait a minute.

I've got it.

Annie, could you teach me

to shoot as good as you?

What? They're due in at

noon. It's after ten now.

Good. That gives us almost two

hours. Do you think I'm mad?

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Argh.

Oh, get off.

Well, that's a bit better.

- Any sign of them yet?

- No.

And there's only a minute to go.

Is that all? Doesn't time

fly when you're having fun?

Marsh, please, you've got to

let me go there with you.

No. Definitely not.

It's time I started fighting

for myself. I told you.

Yes, I know.

It's just that I love you.

How was that?

Knutt.

This is Rumpo.

I'm coming in.

Rumpo.

Knutt.

Where are you?

Here, Rumpo.

Knutt. Where are you?

Come out and fight, damn you.

Curly, you take that end. Slim,

you and me take the other.

Look out behind you.

Knutt, where are you?

Here, Rumpo.

No, here.

Just hold it right there, Rumpo.

Now... now, Marshal, er, sir.

You don't want to shoot me. Me

and the boys were only kidding.

I'm not going to shoot you, Rumpo.

I'm going to put you where you

belong, on the end of a rope.

Johnny, I'm coming.

Stop, or I'll fire.

Marsh. Oh, Marsh, I

think you're wonderful.

Come here.

I'd have got him, too, but I

haven't any bullets left.

Oh.