Carry on Cowboy (1965) - full transcript

Stodge City is in the grip of the Rumpo Kid and his gang. Mistaken identity again takes a hand as a "sanitary engineer" (plumber) by the name of Marshal P. Knutt is mistaken for a law marshal! Being the conscientious sort, Marshal tries to help the town get rid of Rumpo, and a showdown is inevitable. Marshal has two aids - revenge-seeking Annie Oakley and his sanitary expertise... - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
♪ Carry on, cowboy ♪

♪ For to ride the range you love ♪

♪ Across the wide prairie ♪

♪ With the burning sun above ♪

♪ Till you hang up your saddle ♪

♪ Lay down your gun ♪

♪ Till the last stray's
been branded ♪

♪ Oh, cowboy, carry on ♪

♪ Trails where the
sage is blowing ♪

♪ I'd see the prairie sky ♪

♪ Dust from the
campfires glowing ♪

♪ Dogles sing your lullaby ♪

♪ With your Pinto to carry you ♪

♪ Till the last great
round-up's done ♪

♪ Carry on, cowboy ♪

♪ Oh, cowboy, carry on? ♪

I wonder what they wanted.

What the...? Ah, business.

Take good care of 'em, mister.
They were good friends of mine.

It'll be a pleasure, sir.

What do you want? Plain coffin,
one dollar. Padded, two dollars.

Or maybe you'd like pillows,
beautiful silver handles?

All the trimmings.

But... that'll be an
extra two dollars.

Give 'em pads...

- Pads.
- Pillows...

- Pillows.
- Handles...


- And some flowers.
- Flowers?


Hold it a minute, Russ.

What's the matter, Judge?

I thought I heard shots just now.

Nah. It's probably just
a horse backfiring.

Oh, yes.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know a horse backfiring
when I hear one.

Come now, Judge, there ain't
been no shooting in Stodge

since the day you ran
Jessie James out of town.

- What a day that was?
- Hey-hey.

You know, Judge, I
never credited you

with either the guts or the
courage to do a thing like that.

Oh, I don't know. I
didn't like having

to get tough with Jessie, though.

She was a nice girl.

I never did get to know exactly
what she done that was so wrong?

Old Ben was a friend of mine,
Sam, and she killed him.

It was his own fault. He was 92.
I warned him not to marry her.

How she did it was immaterial.

Come on. Let's get back to the
game. It's your draw, Judge.

Someone's dropped one.

Oh, it's me.

I've got it.

Mrs Bun, the baker.
Happy families.

That's another pot I've won.

He, he. Oh, and mighty
purity it is too.

That one's gonna take
a lot of timber.

Six and seven-eighths.
Business is picking up.

Yup, I reckon we've come far
enough, old pal. Time to rest up.

Howdy, stranger.

Nice day.


Remind me to put up a notice
about that. "No spitting."

Yeah. Yeah, sure, Judge.

Yes, sir. What'll it be? Lemonade,
ginger beer, sarsaparilla?

Don't be funny. Whisky.

We're not allowed
to serve hard stuff

in Stodge, sir. Mayor's orders.

That is correct. But
I can thoroughly

recommend the ginger beer.

Don't you talk to me
about ginger beer.

- Who is this?
- Judge Burke.

I am the Mayor.

Better keep away from my horse. He
ain't seen a mare in three weeks.

Come on. Whisky.

Certainly not. We are
fully temperance.

I don't care if you're
full of flatulence.

I've been on the trail
six days non-stop.

I can't help that.

I don't like people
who get in my way.

I can't help that.

And I just shot three men who did.

I... Oh, well, in that case,
perhaps just a little one.

They keep a bottle
or two for me for

purely medicinal
purposes, of course.

- Leave the bottle.
- Oh, I say, I can't have that.

Bottoms up.

I'll just take that
gun of yours, cowboy.

What for?

I don't allow no
shooting at my place.

Lady, I wouldn't dream of
shooting at your place.

I'm not afraid to
use this, you know.

My, but you've got a big one.

I'm from Texas, ma'am. We all
got big ones down there.

And the other. Hand it over.

I'll take those, Belle.

Check them, will you, Charlie?

Thank you. Here's your ticket.

You can have them back when
you're ready to leave.

I ain't leaving for a while.

Oh, that's nice. We could do
with a bit of fun round here.

So you're Belle?

Yeah. My intimate friends
call me... Ding Dong.

Like to give you a
clang some time.

How about letting me
have a couple of rooms?

$10 a day, all in. Ok?

Oh, no. I'm sorry, Belle, I can't
have him staying in Stodge City.

Now, listen here, my good man.

I run this town and I can't
have any trouble around here.

You won't have to
worry about that.

I won't?

From now on, I'll be running it.


Come on. I'll show you your rooms.

Do you mind putting
that away first?

Oh, why, sure.

Wow. What a hoister.


I'm gonna get the Sheriff.

How about that? Three all at once.

Who says there ain't
no Santa Claus?

It's a disgrace. What's the use
of me putting these notices up?

Where's the Sheriff?
What's he doing?

Earp. Earp. Sheriff.

Sheriff. Oh, there you are.

Wake up. There's been a shooting.

It's all right. It's
all right. Don't

go mad. It's only me, Judge Burke.

Now, listen, there's
been a shooting.

- What's that?
- I say, there's been a shoo...

Oh, for heaven's sake,
where's your thing?

There's been a shooting.


There's three men
laying dead out there.

- Strange. I didn't hear nothing.
- I'm not surprised.

You never have your thing in.

It's my afternoon off, Judge.

I don't know what we pay
you for, really I don't.

- Who done it? Do you know?
- Some terrible looking rough.

He's over in Belle's place now.

You've got to run
him out of town. I

don't want that kind
of person here.

It lowers the tone of the
whole neighbourhood.

Well, don't you worry none, Judge.

We'll have him out
of here in an hour,

either head first or feet first.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

In my position, as Mayor...

For heaven's sakes, where
are your spectacles?

- What do you say?
- Your spectacles.

Er... around here some place.

Oh, here they are.

- Where?
- Here they are.

Ah. Here they are.

Yeah. That's better.

Well, here we go.

Oh. Here. There. That way.

Wait a minute. Here. For
Pete's sake. Now, there.

Yeah, well, thanks, Judge.

These specs ain't so good for
seeing things a long ways off.

He'll have to go.


Forward ho.


Nice going, Lightning.

All right, get away from that bar,
stranger. And don't try nothing.

It's me, Sheriff. Charlie.

- Huh?
- Charlie.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Charlie. Didn't
recognise you from the front.

- Where's the killer?
- Up with Belle, Sheriff. Room 12.

- Room 12.
- Yup.

Yeah. Ok, thanks.

You have a good sleep, sweetheart.

See you later.

I reckon you Texans think more of
horses than you do of us women.

Naturally. If I was being
chased by a posse,

I wouldn't get very far on you.

If you were raising a family, you
wouldn't get far on a horse.

You in there.

You got five seconds to
come out with your hands up

or I'm coming in to get you.

Who's that?

That's Albert. Albert
Earp, our Sheriff.

- Are you coming out?
- Nope.

Then I'm coming in.

Where's the door?

All right, get out
of that bed, get

on your horse and
get out of Stodge.

That is his horse, Sheriff.

These dang glasses.

I'm better off without
'em. That's better.

There's liable to be some fancy
shooting around here, Miss Belle.

You'd better get the hell out.

You'd better put them specs on.
I'm the fella you're looking for.

- What was that?
- He's deaf.

I'm the fella you're looking for.

That's the game, is it?

Well, it takes more
than dressing up

in women's clothes
to fool me, mister.

On your way, cowboy... Cowboy?

I've had enough of this.

Look here, Twerp...

Name's Earp. Albert
Earp, without the "tw".

With or without, what's the
matter? What have I done wrong?

You've killed three men, mister.

I know that, but what
have I done wrong?

You wanna try drawing
on me, mister?

I can't. I ain't got my guns.

I'll give you five
seconds to find one.




- Where are they?
- Four... five.

Sheriff. Sheriff.

Here. Are you all right?

I reckon I'm going, Judge.

Oh, don't go.

Listen... listen, friend.

Just tell my folks what
happened, will you?

They'll even the score.

Will you do that for me, friend?

Yes, of course.

- What's that?
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Here. Yes. Of course.

There's no need to shout, Judge.

I'm wearing my specs.

It's I lucky I remembered
where you put that.

Oh, I do beg your
pardon, commissioner.

Damn it, Perkins, can't
you see I'm busy.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.
This just wouldn't wait.

You think this will?

All right, all right. What's
so all-fired important?

It's another telegraph
from Stodge City, sir.

Judge Burke... He's the
Mayor there, you know.

Burke? Oh, yeah, I remember him
in law school. He's a bum.

I didn't know you studied
at law school, sir?

I didn't. I was the janitor.
What does the bum want?

Lawless elements have
completely taken over the town.

He wants us to send him a peace
marshal to clean the place up.

Why bother me with all this? Send
him a marshal. Anything for peace.

Well, that's just the trouble,
sir. We haven't any available.


What about that big head who
hangs around, looking for work?

What's his name? Dillon.
What's he doing?

Six months.

Oh. Well, looks like
we got a problem here.

Miss Jones, can you think
of something we can do?

Why, yes.

But hadn't we better get the
problem out of the way first?


- What can I do for you?
- I'd like a job, please.

- Name?
- Knutt.

With a "K".

Huh, you could have fooled me.

First name?

Marshal. Marshal P. Knutt.

Most of my friends
call me "Marsh".

Well, then, in that case, you
won't mind if I call you Marshal.


Drainage, sanitation and garbage
disposal engineer, first class.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.


Yes. I have a certificate from
Chipping Sodbur Technical College.

That's in England.

And a reference from Lady Pushing,

saying what a good job I did
on her main sludge channel,

cos it was all...
bunged up, you know.

And this was presented
to me by the

Chipping Sodbur Ladies' Guild,

In appreciation for
services rendered.

It's a sink plunger.

It's very interesting,
Mr Knutt. I fail

to see how it can be
of any use to us.

That's where you're wrong.

I don't mind telling you that
since I arrived in America,

I've been amazed by your
out-of-date methods.

For instance your way of disposing
of garbage is a load of rubbish.

And as for sanitation,

I think you'll agree
it's an absurd

waste of the President's
valuable time

to have to walk from
the White House

all the way to that little shed
at the bottom of the garden.

And as for your city streets...

Mr Knutt.

May I suggest

that you see the Public Works
Department down the corridor?

Oh, thank you. Thank
you very much.

Just a minute. Mr Knutt.

Would you please
take this with you?

Oh, yes. We mustn't
forget that, must we?

I'm terribly sorry.


Well, what do you want?

I was told you might
give me a job.

Job? What job? Who
the blazes are you?

Knutt. Marshal P. Knutt.

Marshal? None available, huh?

Well, Marshal, you couldn't
have come at a better time.

- Really?
- Yes, sir.

How would you like to go and
clean up Stodge City for me?

Oh, very much, sir. In a
bit of a mess, is it?

You said it, Marshal.
One heck of a mess.

Funnily enough, I
was talking about

that problem to the man outside.

- Now, I have one or two theories.
- Yes, I'm sure you have, Marshal.

But I'm a pretty busy man,

so suppose you get down to Stodge
City and get to work, huh?

See Judge Burke. He'll
tell you what's doing.

Judge Burke. Yes, and
thank you very much.

Not at all, Marshal, not at all.

Stodge City.

Oh, right in the country.

Should be nice and peaceful.

Who was that? Who did it?

Isn't it sickening?

That's the tenth window
broken in two weeks.

Who was it, Judge?

Some of those horrible friends
of the Rumpo Kid, of course.

Look at my hat. Just look at it.

Three inches lower and it
would have been your head.

Don't say that.

Things have got pretty
rough here since he came.

Rough? It ain't safe for decent
folks to walk the streets.

I have to send my wife
out for everything.

Never mind. Things will get better
when they send that Marshal.

If they send him.

Oh... Why, hello, Sam.
What brings you into town?

I tell you what
brings me into town.

I lost 50 head of cattle
on my ranch last night.


They certainly
weren't pickpockets.

Well, there's no need
to get all sarky.

50 head. What's more, my
prize bull was among 'em.

Not old Ramrod?

Yeah. How am I to raise
cattle without a bull?

Judge, you gotta do something.

Well, it's hardly in my
line of country, Sam.

You know darned well that Rumpo
Kid and his gang are behind this.

Yeah, you're probably right, Sam,
but how are you gonna prove it?

And stay out of here, bum.


How about this for business, huh?

Yeah, you sure have made a
difference to the place.

Well, I like to see a
bit of innocent fun.

Johnny, just look at
these beautiful furs.

Silver fox and he only
wants $50 a skin.

- Not bad.
- They'd make a lovely fur coat.

I don't like wearing fur.

No, Johnny, I meant for me.

I get it. You want me to
buy 'em for you, huh?

Just 500 the lot, mister.

Right. I just gotta get some money
from the bank. Won't be a minute.

Morning, Mr Rumpo, sir.
Anything for me today?

Not yet, Josh. Stick
around. It's early.

Hey, that's the
fourth in two weeks.

You're in the wrong business.

What's going on here?

What is it, Judge?

Don't look. Whatever
you do, don't look.

Why not?

You'll never believe it, but
there are women dancing in there

and showing their... under things.

- No.
- Right up to here.

What do they look like?

They're sort of black
and frilly, with

these little pink rosebuds on 'em.

What does it matter what they
look like? It's disgusting.

Why, in 15 years of married life,
I haven't even seen my wife's.

You don't need to worry. They
ain't got rosebuds on them.

I'm glad to hear it. I... What?

I'm kinda busy. I've got some
folk waiting in the surgery.

Oh, he must have seen
them on the clothesline.

- Yahoo.
- I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop this disgraceful
exhibition immediately.

Go on, get outta here.

And kindly adjust your
dress before leaving.

Hey. Just what do you think
you're doing, Judge?

Mr Kid, as Mayor of this town,
and guardian of law and order,

I must object most strongly
to this impropriety.

Impro... what?

All this jigging up and down
and lascivious dancing.

What? It's educational.

Educational? They never showed me

anything like that
when I was at school.

That's what I mean. It's
never too late to learn.

Sit down, Judge. Grab
yourself a piece of culture.

Culture? Just a minute.

I suppose you think
that's culture.

Nope. That's my Aunt Fanny.

She give me that as a sort
of house-warming present.

Artistic, ain't it?

But she ain't got no clothes on.

Certainly not. She's
in her working outfit.

- What?
- She's an artist's model.

I don't care if she's Lady Godiva.

She's gotta come
down. I can't have

that sort of thing around here.

I'm determined to keep
the Stodge out of sex.

The... the sex out of Stodge.

Suppose you get out of here
while you're in one piece.

I haven't finished yet.

Oh, no. There's something else.

You've got to stop shooting all
them cashiers at the bank.

Wait. You can't blame me for that.
They won't let me draw no money.

Before you draw money
out of a bank,

you're supposed to put some in.

That's a funny way to rob a bank.

And don't think I don't know who's
behind all the cattle rustling

that's been going on around here.

What cattle rustling?

You won't find no cows here. Not
the kind you're looking for.

Don't think you're gonna
get away with it, Rumpo.

I'm gonna get you. Do you hear me?

I'm gonna get you.

Now's as good a
time as any, Judge.

Don't get me wrong.
I was only joking.

Make me laugh some
more. Go for your gun.


Judge... this telegraph
just come for you.

A-ha. It's from Washington.

They're sending down a
United States Marshal.

A what?

Yeah. Kinda changes
things, doesn't it?

He'll arrive on the first
stage from Denver. Huh.


Excuse me. Do you go all the way?

- I beg your pardon?
- All the way... to Stodge City?

Oh, yeah. I have a job
of work to do there.

Really? Oh, that's
marvellous. So do I.

I'm a drainage,
sanitation and garbage

disposal engineer, first class.

I just knew you'd be something
exciting like that.

I've been sent to
clean up the town.

I had something in mind
for myself like that.

- What are you going for?
- Vengeance.

Oh... What?

My father was Sheriff in Stodge
City and somebody shot him.

I'm going there to find out who.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But I don't think a
nice girl like you

should be doing things like that.

I mean, even if you do find out
who it was, what can you do?

Kill him?

It's no use, Johnny.

If a marshal's
coming to Stodge, we

may just as well
pack up and move on.

If he gets this far.

Well, how are you gonna stop him?

You take a shot at a peace marshal

and they'll send the whole
US Cavalry in to get you.

Belle's right, Kid. You
can't touch a Marshal.

I know. But just supposing that

stage was to get
raided by Indians?

Are you kidding?

There's only one lot of
Indians left around here

and they couldn't raid a larder.

Maybe we could give 'em a hand.

Come on, Charlie, Let's
go and talk to 'em.


How. We come in peace.

Look, here, Mr... injun. We ain't
come here to buy a load of junk.

We wanna talk with the
big chief. Savvy?

You wait.

Big chief in little lodge.

Oh, hello.


Meum big pale-faced
chief from-Stodge City.

Meum salute-big chief.

Meum want-powwow.

I say, you do talk funny.
You must be foreigners.

Why didn't you tell me
he could talk English?

I'm sorry, Kid. I didn't know.

Chief, this is Johnny Finger,
known as the Rumpo Kid.

Oh, how do you do?

And a very charming name.

I'm called Man Ooh-ah.

Roughly translated,
it means "Big Heap".

Very picturesque.

And this is my son Little Heap.

Or as we say, Mini Man Ooh-ah.

No, you can't have their scalps.

The very idea. He's scalp mad.

Glad to hear that, Chief. Maybe
we can help him get one.

Oh, no, don't encourage him.

We can sit down and
talk it over, can't we?

But, of course. Where
are my manners?

I think you'll find
this piece of ground

most comfortable. No sharp stones.

Son, tell my squaw to
fetch the peace pipe.

You'd care for a piece of pipe?

Be glad to, Chief. I
once talked peace

with the Sioux, but
you can't trust 'em.

One minute, it was peace
on, the next... peace off.

You won't have any trouble
with us, I can assure you.

Personally, I hate fighting.


This is my new squaw, Kitikata.

I bought her for
two buffalo skins.

- How?
- Never mind how. Where?

What have you got in
there, old moccasins?

Thank you, no. I'm
trying to give it up.

I don't blame you.

You don't happen to have
any fire water, do you?

You like whisky?

Oh, my favourite brand.

Ah-ah. If I give you this, I
gotta have something in return.

She's yours.

Oh, no, not that.

Well... maybe... maybe
that on account.

- What else do you want?
- A certain fella got rid of.

Where is he? On the stage.

Oh. I don't blame you.

I can't stand actors
myself. Peculiar lot.

The stagecoach coming
in from Denver today.

All you gotta do is
raid it and get him.

Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.

I'm told they carry guns on these
stages. It might get rough.

Your favourite brand. Try some.

Plenty more where that come from.



Down with Custer.

Slaughter the pale faces.

Massacre the lot.

Ah. That's the signal
from Little Heap.

That means they've
sighted the stage.

- Where?
- Well, there.

Don't you see the smoke signals?

Now, I must acknowledge them.

I'll be glad when this is over.

I feel a right Charlie in
this get-up, I can tell you.

You look great, a sort of a cross
between Hiawatha and Rose Marie.

Eurgh. I still I don't see why
we have to dress up like this.

Because we have to
look like injuns.

I don't trust that Big
Heap out of my sight.

Now, quit beefing and
give me that dynamite.

Come on, fella.

Here. If you can't stop that
stage any other way, use these.

Oh, thank you.

What are you messing about at?

I'm just trying to start a
fire to answer Little Heap.

- Try a match.
- Oh, dear me, no.

Why, my people have
been getting fire

this way for thousands of years.

It's such fun.

What's that got to do with it?

They got kids the same way
for thousands of years, too.


Carry on with the sticks.

All right, get on your horses.

I say. It's never worked
as well as that before.

Oh, we've stopped.

So we have. And I
should think so, too.

12 hours is a long time in
a coach with no corridor.

Well, where is it?

We ain't stopped for that,
mister. Looked up over there.


- What?
- Injuns?

You mean railway engines?

Red injuns. Them's smoke signals.

- What do they mean?
- Danged if I know.

Oh, I can tell you.

I bought a useful phrase
book in Washington.

Smoke signals...

Ah, here it is. Now,
what are they saying?

Puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff, puff, puff, puff...

puff-puff, puff.

Here it is. "Please
direct me to the

ladies' or gentlemen's cloakroom."

That can't be right, can it?

Well, if it is, Indians
can't be very particular.

Yeah, well, I ain't hanging around
here, listening to you puffing.

Cos all I know is, where there's
injuns, there's trouble.

Trouble? Oh, don't be silly.

There hasn't been any trouble
with Indians for years.

They're perfectly friendly now.

Call that friendly?

Oh, they're only playing.
They wouldn't hurt us.

Some game.

Now, what are we gonna do,
mister? Play with 'em?

Now, don't panic. It's all right.

I know what to do. Form a circle.

Yes, that's it. Form a circle.

With one coach?

Oh, yes, that would be difficult.

If you two don't mind,
I'll get back in.

- That's a good idea.
- Oh, no, you don't, mister.

We're gonna need ever
man that we've got.

Now, you get a hold of that, get
up there and start shooting.

I don't know what we would
have done without him.

I'd better get to work, I suppose.

I got one.

Two that time, with
only one bullet.

Look, they've shot
three of my braves.

What do you want them to do?

Use bullets with
those little rubber

suction cups stuck on the end?

Here, have a drop more courage.

That does it.

Little Heap.

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling off the attack.

Oompah. Stickity.
Jumper. Bloody quick.

They're going.

Hey, come back. You gonna let one
little fella chase you away?

You call yourself braves?
I've seen braver cowards.

Wh-wh-wh-what happened?


They've run away.
They've had enough.

Well, yeah, you get down off there

and we get out of here
before they come back.

What hit me?

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

What happened to him?

Oh, it was just the
excitement, I guess.


- Get him in the coach.
- Hold this a minute.

Come on. Let's get out of here.
Come on, giddup. Giddup.


- Do you drive?
- Who? Me? Er, yes, I suppose so.

Well, I should start,
if I were you.

There's still a couple of
Indians left over there.

Oh, right.

Yah. Yah.

Come on. Whoa.

We got to finish this
off ourselves, Charlie.

Is he mad?

Looks like it. I'm getting
out of here. Giddup.


Charlie. Charlie. Help.

Oh. Where you been?

You want help getting
on your horse, Kid?

Are you joking?


Ah, shut up.


Shut up.

- Is he gonna be all right, Doc?
- Yeah, reckon so.


He's coming round.

Something wrong with your drains.

He's delirious. Ah, poor feller.

- Indians. Indians.
- Where?

Listen, don't worry. You're
gonna be quite safe now.

He's gonna be all right. He's
just a bit shook up, that's all.


Don't keep saying that.
It gets on my nerves.

What exactly happened, Bert?

Well, I don't rightly
know, for sure.

But from what Miss
Oakley here says,

This young fella shot three injuns
and drove the rest of 'em away.

Amazing. Is that right, miss?

Well, there was only him.

You couldn't expect a defenceless

little thing like
me to do anything?

I suppose not.

It seems incredible.

Well, I think he was
just wonderful.

I don't know what I'd
have done without him.

Oh, it was nothing.

If you'll excuse me, I'd
like to get settled in.

There is a hotel
here, isn't there?

Yes, but I wouldn't
recommend it, Miss Oakley.

They get a funny lot in there.

I think I can take care
of myself, thank you.

- I'll take you over, Miss.
- Ah, thank you.

Gosh, this sure is heavy.

Just a few feminine,
little knick-knacks.


Oh, she's lovely.

You won't have time for that sort
of thing. You've got work to do.

Don't worry, sir. I'm very keen
to get started right away.

That's the spirit. I'll show
you your office, Marshal.

Marshal? How did you know my name?

Washington told me
you were coming.

I am Judge Burke, the Mayor.

That's right. The Judge's folk
founded Stodge City, Marshal.

My great grandfather came
over here on the Mayflower.

He was the original Burke.

He married into the Wright family
and became a Wright-Burke.

The whole family are
Wright-Burkes, Marshal.


"Rumpo's Place". It
sounds pretty exclusive.

Yeah. The Rumpo Kid, that is,
miss. He runs this town.

Don't you have a Sheriff?

We did have, but he sort of died.

- Oh, really? How?
- Lead poisoning.

Who shot the lead into him?

I can't say, miss.

And if I was you, I wouldn't ask

questions like that
around these parts.

Right, in here. Charlie will
fix you up with a room.

Here we are, Marshal.

Thank you, Judge, but I wish you'd
call me Marsh like my friends do.

- Marsh?
- Yes, it's short for Marshal.

Oh, I couldn't do a
thing like that.

You couldn't?

No. It'd be like me calling
the Sheriff "Sheree".

People around here would have
thought that mighty peculiar.

Well, this is it.
How do you like it?

Oh, it's very cosy.

And there's a nice bedroom
for you through there,

and plenty of guns for you to use.

Oh, thank you very much.

But what do I want guns for?

Don't tell me you've
got rats around here.

Have we got rats?

Ever since the Rumpo
Kid came to town,

the place has been full of them.

That's not so good. They didn't
tell me that was your problem.

Well, never mind. I'm sure
you'll get rid of them.

Oh, yes. Mind you,
I won't be going

round shooting these rats, Judge.

The thing to do is to find out
where they do their breeding.

- Really?
- So as you don't get any more.

Well, that sounds like a
long-term policy to me.

Still, I'm sure you must
know what you're doing.

Oh, yes. In my experience, they
usually do it down in the drains.

You must have had some
very funny experiences.

I have. Well, you can't be a

drainage engineer
without, you know.

A what?

A drainage engineer.
That's my job.

But you're a Marshal.

No, Marshal's my name.

Marshal P. Knutt.

Drainage, sanitation and garbage
disposal engineer, first class.

They sent me down
here to clean the

place up. Didn't they tell you?

But we want a peace Marshal,
not a drainee Marshal.

Drainage... age... age.

Oh. Don't you
understand? This town

is full of gunmen and outlaws.

That's what we want cleaned up.

You mean, there
isn't a job for me?

Of course there isn't a job for...

Wait a minute.

None around here knows you're
not a real Marshal, do they?

Oh, Annie Oakley. I
told her my job.

Oh, she don't matter.

And you did shoot all them
Indians single-handed?

Granted, yes.

Come to think of it, you'll
make a marvellous Marshal.

Who, me?

Yes. You'll clean up Stodge City.

Oh, you'll become
the most admired,

the most feared man in the West.

Oh, they'll write books about you.

I can see it: "The Legend
of Marshal P. Knutt."

"The Legend of Marshal P. Knutt."

Curly, round up the boys.
We've got a job on tonight.

Sure thing, Kid.

- Give me a drink, Charlie.
- You ought to know, Mr Rumpo,

that woman that's
staying here's asking

a lot about Sheriff Earp's death.

What woman who's staying here?

She came in on the stage.
I let her have a room.

- Where is she?
- Upstairs. Room 11.

What are you gonna do?

I don't like women who
ask awkward questions.

She's going out of here
on her big, fat bustle.

Come in.

All right, lady, just
pack your bags and...

I thought you were
the chambermaid.

I am.

You don't look too much
like a chambermaid to me.

It's my day off.

You must be the one they
call the Rumpo Kid, huh?

Yep. That's me.

And you want me to pack
my bags and leave?

Leave? Where did
you get that idea?

Well, I thought... What did
you come in here for, then?

Just to say welcome.

I hope you have a long
and friendly stay here.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

You just ask for anything you
want. It's all on the house.

Thank you. Right now I'd
like to get out of my bath.

Oh. Give you a hand?

No, no, but you can pass
a towel if you like.


Here you are.

All right, I won't look.

- No?
- Nope.

Oh, well. Worth a try.

Yeah, well... it was er...
nice er... seeing you.

And you, too. You've
been very sweet to me.

Well, did you do it?

- Did I do what?
- Did you tell her to go?

Oh, that. Yeah, sure. I
gave it to her straight,

Cards on the table, man to man.

Man to man, huh?

Yup. Right between the eyes.

So she's going?

Nope. The fact is,
Belle, she's straight.

I reckon she's not
trying to hide nothing.

She couldn't. Not in that bath.

You're right there.
Boy, has she got...

Oh. You saw.

Yeah, well, I happened
to be standing here

and the keyhole came
up against my eye.

Well... then you saw for yourself.

I mean, she's nice... a nice girl.

You can't go throwing a poor
little thing like that out.

You know how it is.

Yeah, yeah. I know just how it is.

Reckon she does know
how it is, too.

The Rumpo Kid. He's the one
we gotta get something on.

He's behind everything
that's going on around here.

Why didn't you just run
him out of town, then?

Everybody's scared stiff of him.

Except me, of course.

Pardon me.

Mind if I come in?

Why, of course, Mr Rumpo. We're
always delighted to see you.

I wanted to meet the new Marshal.

Oh, thank you.

I thought I'd tip you off.

There's going to
be another raid on

Colonel Houston's cattle tonight.

What? How do you know?

A stranger came into my place
and told one of the girls.

- You don't say.
- Yup.

The girl's not involved, mind you.
She's a nice, pure, innocent kid.

He just happened to
talk in his sleep.

Well, thank you for
telling me, Mr Rumpo.

A pleasure, Marshal.
Any time I can do

anything to help, don't
be afraid to ask.

Gentlemen, if you'll pardon me,

I've promised to talk to
the ladies' sewing circle.

He doesn't seem such a bad fellow.

Don't you believe it.

There's something funny
going on around here.

Why, I'm almost positive
that he and his gang

are doing all the cattle
rustllng around here.

Impossible. He wouldn't have come
in and told us if it was him.

No. No, that's a point.

We've gotta do some
quick thinking.

"Tonight," he said. That's today.

That's pretty quick thinking.
Don't overdo it. Leave it to me.

Now, let me see... Now...

The best plan would be for you
to ride out there after dark

and surprise 'em.

All by myself?

No. You gotta take
a posse with you.

- Why? Don't they like cats?
- A posse. Not a pussy.

You can't go out there

and handle a whole
gang of rustlers

and killers all by yourself.

- Can't I?
- No, no.

You've got to find some brave and

citizens to help you.

Oh, yes, I see.
Like you, you mean.


Except that,
unfortunately, tonight

I have another engagement.

Any other night, of course.

But don't worry. You're
bound to find somebody.



Howdy, Marshal.

What can I do for you?

Well, actually, I'm
trying to get up a posse.

Oh? For tonight, you mean?

That's right. I
thought perhaps you

and a few of your men could er...

Oh, it's a pity, Marshal. I'm
sorry. We can't help you tonight.

We got a little choir practise. I
promised the boys. Right, boys?

Oh. It's funny, but
everyone I've asked

so far seems to be
doing something else.

Ah, gee, that's tough,
Marshal. Ain't it?

Wait a minute. I'll
tell you what I'll

do. I'll give you two
of my boys. Short.

- Yeah, boss.
- I got a little job for you.

Take these two, Marshal.
Short and Curly.

How do you do?

Who was that?

Just Rumpo and some
of the boys, Marshal.

Oh. Off to their choir practise.

I'm sorry if I'm
making you miss yours.

That's all right, Marshal. We'll
get up extra early and do some.

Oh, good. By the way, I've
got your Deputy badges.

No, thank you, Marshal.

It ain't wise to wear them.
Makes too easy a target.

Oh... yes.

Well, I suppose we'd
better be off, then.

Yup. Got a horse all
ready for you, Marshal.

Oh... yes. Yes, that's
a horse, all right.

Looks like you forgot to
fasten your girth, Marshal.

Hey, come back. Horse.


The herd seems mighty restless.

You hear anything, Joe?

Nice work. When
you're through, take

a handful of steers
up to Bear Pass.

I'm going to see Sam
Houston. Come on.

- Howdy, mister.
- Howdy, Colonel.

I was just up in the high
ground getting the stock in.

I've just seen some
fellas making off

with a whole heap of your cattle.

The hell you say.

- Jake. Get them ready to ride.
- Sure thing, Colonel.

I'm mighty grateful
to you, mister.

Whereabouts you saw 'em?

They were just coming
over Bear Pass.

- What you say?
- Bear... Pass.

Oh. My hearing isn't
so good these days.

That's the cattle, all right.

They've got the Bar
X brand on 'em.

Well, where are all
the rustlers, then?

Well, I reckon just the
sight of you, Marshal,

must have scared them away.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

Well, what are we
gonna do now, then?

Well, I reckon the
best thing we can do

is to leave you to
look after them steers

while we ride and
get us some help.

Just what I was going to suggest.

- There they are, Colonel.
- Yeah.

Come on. Let's get 'em. Hah.

Colonel Houston?

Yeah. That's me.


Do you mind if I do this, Colonel?

As an upright and law-abiding
citizen of Stodge City

and a lifelong friend
of Sheriff Earp,

I consider it my duty.

Your privilege, sir.

What do you think you're doing?

You're making a terrible
mistake, you know.

I can sue you for this.
I've got my rights.

Pipe down, will you?

What are you getting
so excited about?

I can't help it. I've always
been nervous and highly strung.

You're about to be
strung even higher, pal.

Right, we'll just take the
other end and make it...

good and tight.



Marshal. Marshal.

It's me, Judge Burke.

What are you doing in there? You
can't stay locked up all the time.

You're supposed to be
keeping law and order.

Oh, no.

He's out to get me. I
know it. That Rumpo.

Don't be silly. They wouldn't
dare do anything to a US Marshal.

"Wouldn't dare do
anything," he says.

Judge, I was nearly
hanged the other

night, like a common criminal.

Oh, you don't wanna
worry about that.

Some of my best friends
have been hanged.

There ain't no stigma
attached to it out West.

Well, they can't fool me.
It was Rumpo's doing.

He arranged the whole thing.

Oh, come on, now. You're
imagining things.

Both he and old Sam apologised
very nicely the next day.

It was a natural mistake to
make in the circumstances.

Do I look like a cattle rustler?

No, but you don't look like a
sanitary inspector either.

I am not a sanitary
inspector. I am

a sanitation engineer,
first class.

Do you want everybody to hear?

Look, first of all the Indian
attack on the stage coach.

Then this cattle
rustling business.

That didn't happen by accident.

That was planned to get
me out of the way.

And it would have worked if that
fella hadn't come to my rescue.

Yeah, who was he?

I don't know. He just untied
my hands and he galloped off.

But I'd know him again, all right.


He had a very strong
smell of perfume.


We're getting a funny
lot round here.

Who is it?

Sam Houston.

What is it? What's the matter?

They were at my place again last
night. Yes. Got away with 40 head.

Who were they? Did you see 'em?

It was too dark to see much.

Yeah, but I recognised it
was one of Rumpo's men.

Marshal, you've
gotta do something.

Well, I don't see what I
can do without any proof.

Here's proof for you.
Take a look at that.

You match up those hoof prints
and you've got your man.

But how did they get up there?

What have you been doing?

Well, I was out courting.

There's no law against it.

No, no, of course
not, but I can think

of more comfortable
places to do it.

Marshal, I think it's time you
and Rumpo had a little talk.

Well, if you think
there's evidence.

You know, personally, I don't...

Now, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

They wouldn't dare do
anything to a US Marshal.

Here they come now. Stop 'em.

Well, gentlemen, a toast.

To our own beloved
Marshal P. Knutt,

accidentally run over today by a
band of unknown horsemen, RIP.

What's the matter?

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ And we're not too old ♪

♪ Why wait for fate to
give you a shove? ♪

♪ When I am yours ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ This is the night for love ♪

♪ For I am willing ♪

♪ And awfully weak ♪

♪ And just the kind to
take advantage of ♪

♪ So why not push ♪

♪ Your new lucky streak? ♪

♪ This is the night for love ♪

♪ My arms are yearning ♪

♪ To hold you ever so near ♪

♪ My lips are burning ♪

♪ Just for your kiss ♪

♪ There's no returning ♪

♪ To me it's all very clear ♪

♪ There'll never be
another night like this ♪

♪ So hold me close ♪

♪ Till daylight is near ♪

♪ Closer than a hand in a glove ♪

♪ And say those words ♪

♪ I'm longing to hear ♪

♪ This is the night for
holding me tight ♪

♪ For this ♪

♪ Is the night for love? ♪

I didn't know you could sing.

Well, I've hardly seen anything
of you since I arrived.

Have you er... been avoiding me?

I should say not. I got a lot
of business to do lately.

At night?

Why, it's the most
convenient time.

My customers are asleep then.

Say, it's awful crowded in here.

Is there somewhere private
where we could talk?

Yep. My office. I got a nice big

couch there for
sitting, talking on.

Well, what are we
waiting for, then?

Well, you go right ahead. I
just gotta get something.


Charlie, quick. Come on,
Charlie. Gimme a bottle.

Sure thing, Kid. Champagne?

What else?

You... you can't
go to her, Johnny.

Don't talk so silly.

Don't turn our story into a
burning tale of lust, jealousy

and passion under a
white-hot desert sun.

Don't make it a saga
of sex, vengeance

and sudden death in
the primitive West.

Are you delirious?

But, Johnny, she's no good. Take
it from me, she's after something.

If you get out of the
way, she's gonna get it.

But, Johnny, have you forgotten?

I'm your little Ding Dong.

I hate to have to say it, but
your Ding has lost its Dong.

Reckon you lost him, Belle.

How about doing a little
something for me?


Here's to us.

Oh, no, Johnny. No, don't.

Annie, I'd do anything for you.
I'd buy you diamonds, furs.

I'll make you a partner.
I'll shave ever day.

I know, but, you see, it's no use.

- I'm saving myself for another.
- Another what?

- Another man.
- Who?

The man who killed the
man who killed my man.

I got lost. Would you
mind repeating that?

Ok, I'll try and explain.

You see, there once was a Sheriff
here called Earp, Albert Earp.

Yeah, what about him?

Well, a long time ago, he once
shot somebody very dear to me,

and I just long for
somebody to kill Earp.

They have. He's dead.

I know.

And whoever it was that shot Earp
is the one I'm saving myself for.

You see, I have nothing
else to offer as a reward.

It was me. I shot the old codger.

- You're...
- The man who killed the man

who killed your man.

Oh, I hoped it would be
you. My search is ended.

You can stop saving yourself now.

- Oh, no, no. Not this way.
- What other way is there?

I mean, not here. Not
here in an office.

Come to my room at ten o'clock
and I'll be waiting for you.

- Your room?
- Huh.

Ten o'clock?

You'll be waiting?

What are you doing?

That ain't fair. They
said you were dead.

A fine doctor you
turned out to be.

No, he was dead when I took
his pulse. I swear it.

When you took his pulse?

I never thought of that.
My watch has stopped.

What happened?

Rumpo and his gang, they rode
their horses right over you.

Well, that does it. I've had
just about enough of Rumpo.

I'll get something on him if
it's the last thing I do.

It probably will be. Yeah.

We're here.

Oh, good. What's on the clock?

Little Heap make no charge
for his own father.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Well, now you can run along
home, straight home.

No stopping to pick up
any stray bits of scalp.

You take big risk, going
in saloon, Father.

Rumpo say he kill you
if he see you again.

Well, I can't help that.
I've got to have fire water.

How you buy fire water
with no dollars?

Aha-ha. Big Heap has inherited all
the cunning of his forefathers.

Give me a hand, son.

Gold strike at Bear Creek.

It never fails. It never fails.


One minute to ten. Her room,
and she'll be waiting.

- Oh, hello.
- How.

Who's that?

It's me, Rumpo. Are you ready?

Could you wait just
one moment, honey?

Ok. Come on in.

Down with Custer.

Big Heap. Just a minute,
sweetheart. I forgot something.

Let's all go and
hold up the stage.

Big Heap. What the heck
are you doing here?

It's my old friend,
the Crumpet Kid.

Rumpo Kid.

Same thing. I say,
remember you got

me to hold up that stagecoach?

Shut up. You want the
whole town to hear?

What is this? Where is everybody?

Charlie. What's going
on? Where you been?

I'm sorry, Kid.

Some joker came in,
shouting that there

was a gold strike at Bear Creek.

Was there?

I got three miles
before I remembered.

There ain't no place
called Bear Creek.

Big Heap take heap big
pale face mickey.

It was him. I'll kill him.

No, no. I don't want
no trouble, not now.

I've got some important business

waiting. Lock him
up in the office.

Get him out of here. Quick.

Hold it right there, Rumpo.

Now what?


That's right. I want
to talk to you.

Ok. Drop by tomorrow. I'm
kinda busy right now.

Are you gonna walk down or
do I have to shoot you down?


Fantastic. A fella can't even
live up to his name these days.

- What do you want?
- Rumpo...

I'm taking you in.

You couldn't take
in dirty washing.

You heard me. I'm taking you in.

If you feel like
trying to stop me,

just you try it.
I'm ready for you.

I told you that was too loose.

I can't wear it any tighter.
It pinches me tummy.

Oh, you can laugh, Rumpo,

but we've really got
something on you this time.

Go on, Marshal, you tell him.

Well, it seems that last night
Colonel Houston's ranch

was raided again by rustlers.

- What's that got to do with me?
- That's got a lot to do with you.

They got away with 40 cows.

- Bullocks.
- I know what I'm talking about.

So do I. They was bullocks.

Oh, what does it matter if
they was cows or bullocks?

It matters to them.

Oh, this ain't getting us nowhere.

Now, take a look at this.

This here hide came
off a Bar X steer

and we found it in your stable.

Yeah, and that ain't all. The hoof
prints on the back of my coat

match up with those of your horse.

You may as well admit it,
Rumpo. You stole his cattle.

We've got you by the shorthorns.

I'd like to help you,

but unfortunately
I loaned my horse

to somebody else last night.

What? Where were you?

Here, all night. Belle will
tell you what I was doing.

Not in my court, she won't.

I'm sorry, gentlemen,

but the fella you
want is the fella

that used my horse last night.

- Who was it?
- An injun, name of Big Heap.

Oh. Well, it looks like we've
got the wrong man, Judge.

That's right. If you'll pardon
me, I got business to attend to.

Yeah, but just you watch it,
Rumpo, because I aim to get you.

Yeah, you'll see. We'll
get something on you yet.

That's far enough, Marshal.
Shall I plug 'em, Kid?


Yes. Go on, let him.
Go on, Charlie.

- Hey, steady, Judge.
- That's exactly what we want.

Then we'll have something on
them. Use your nut, Knutt.

Oh, Judge. You know we got more
sense than to shoot a US Marshal.

Charlie was only kidding.

Now, would you get out of here,

please? We're closing
for the night.

All right. But we'll be back.

- Now?
- No. Get out, you old fool.

Come on.

Well, here we go.

I heard you in there, Kid.

That was a smart trick, saying
Big Heap stole those steers.

Yeah. But if the Marshal talks
to him, we're in trouble.

Like me to get rid of him?

Later. Just keep him locked up for
now. I gotta see Miss Oakley.

- Why? What's she done?
- Nothing yet. That's the trouble.

Hey, Kid. Big Heap's gone.

This just ain't my night.

He must have got out
through the window.

Don't just stand there. He
can't be far away. Come on.

- Up the Indians.
- Hey, you can't do that.

We gotta get him out
of there quick.

It's not gonna be easy, with
that Marshal sleeping there.

No. We'll have to
keep him occupied.

Why did this have
to happen tonight?

I'll get Curly and the boys.

You tell Miss Oakley I've
been unavoidably detained.

Leave it to me, Kid.

Come and get it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I
thought you were somebody else.

Good night, Mum.


Just hold it right there.

I hope that's your gun, Marshal.

Miss Belle. What are you doing
here? Think of your reputation.

You think about it and stop
asking stupid questions.

Stop. What are you
getting undressed for?

- I wanna catch up with you.
- What? Oh.

Oh, you don't have to be so
modest with me, Marshal.

You're a fine looking
man, you know.

I am?

I kinda go for men
who wear long-come.

I knew a fella who escaped
from prison in a pair of come.

He got out through the
trap door at the back.

Yes. Coms really do
something to me.

They do something
to me, too. Itch.

You didn't come here just
to talk about underwear.

You're right, Marshal.

- How would you like it...
- Oh, no.

If I gave you proof that Rumpo

was behind the stage hold-up
and the cattle rustling?

What? But why are you
telling me all this?

Maybe it's because I go
for you, Marshal, honey.

Don't you feel it, that
certain something between us?

Yes. It's my hot water bottle.

No, we were meant for
each other, you and me.

We go together like ham and eggs.

Oh, Mother.

What was that? Are you
expecting anyone?

- No, of course not.
- If it's Rumpo, he'll kill me.

- I must hide.
- Where?

- Under the bed. Quick.
- Good idea.

No, not you, you fool. Me.

Miss Oakley.

Marshal, I've come
to give myself up.

I've just killed a man.

Well, we all make silly
mistakes now and then.

- Killed a man?
- Huh.

Charlie the barman. But it
was an accident, I swear it.

Of course it was.
How did it happen?

- I shot him with a shotgun...
- Oh.

A rifle, and two revolvers.

- It must have been some accident.
- It was.

I thought it was the Rumpo Kid.

You see, I found out
tonight that he

was the one that
killed Sheriff Earp.

Oh, Marsh, I feel
just... terrible.

Oh, there, there.
Don't worry about

it. Come and sit
down for a minute.

Ah. Oh.

My gun.

You're very sweet. I feel sort
of safe with you somehow.

That's what they all say.

Oh, have you known
lots of girls, then?

Oh, no. No, none at all.
It's my job, I suppose.

You don't get to meet
them down drains.

Well, I'm glad because I've never

felt like this about
anybody before.


I feel like we sort of go together
like... strawberries and cream.

- Or ham and eggs.
- Yeah, ham...

Oh, Lord.

I'm sorry, Marshal, but
I can't lie there,

Listening to this witch talking
out the back of her bustle.

- No other girls, huh?
- Wait a minute. I can explain.

Oh, don't bother.

And with an old bag like that.

And who are you
calling an old bag?

You, old bag, I'm
calling an old bag.

Ah. You cat. I'll get you. Ah.


Think of the neighbours.

Ladies, please.

Now, look what you've done. Oh,
I'm sorry, Marshal, really, I am.

Marsh, honey, are you all right?

There, there. Belle
will make it up to you.

Take your hands off
him, you big troll.

Look, you leave him
alone, you harpy.

I said I can take care
of him, you cowgirl.

Cowgirl? If I called you that,
I'd only be half right.

Why, you...

Oh. Oh, Marsh. Marsh, honey.

There he is.

- I get-quick.
- Not so fast. I'll handle this.

- Me want-Daddy.
- We going to get-Daddy.

Now, shut-up.

- Dolores, come here.
- What?

Get yourself into the
Marshal's office.

Keep him occupied a half-hour.

- How?
- What do you want, diagrams?

Well, half an hour's a long time.
What are we gonna talk about?

I should have known better.

Remember the things
your ma told you

not to do when you came out West?

- Yes.
- Do 'em.

- There, there, my poor boy.
- Leave him alone. He's mine.

- He's mine.
- He's mine.

No, please, ladies.


Why, hello there, you
old Marshal, honey.

What is this? What do you want?

Now, that's not a
nice way to talk to

a little old girl who's dropped by

just to keep you all
from getting lonesome.

Oh, you needn't have bothered.
I've been anything but lonesome.

Oh, don't be like
that, Marshal, honey.

Why, since the first time I saw

you, I've been crazy
about you all.

You and me, we'll go together like
pancakes and syrup, I reckon.

All you people think
about is food.

Doesn't anyone around here go
together like man and woman?

Now you're talking
my kind of language.

Oh, no, no. No, stay away.

Land sakes, what are
they all doing here?

You get out of here,
you little tramp.

Don't you worry.

I don't aim on sharing him with
a couple of old hags like you.

I got my pride.

Why, you...

Oh, no, you don't.

I know it's the Wild West,
but this is ridiculous.

Do you want to be a hero?
Stick that in the keyhole.


Yeah, keyhole... Er keyholeum.

Ah, keyholieum. Why you no say?

White man speak
with forked tongue.

Well, go on. It's only
a half-minute fuse.

Soon as it blows, we get Big
Heap and get out of town fast.

No can stick in keyholeum.

Key in keyholeum.

Well, take the key out.


"Key in keyholeum."
Oh, no. Come back.

Here is key.

- Quiet. Quiet.
- Well, what is it?

I thought I heard something.

Little Heap?

Where the heck is he?

What a send-up. Get Big Heap.
Let's get out of here.

Big Heap.

Would you believe it?

Big Heap. Come on, wake up.

You girls stay in
here. Understand?

All right, carry him out.

Oh, no, you don't. Stick
'em up. Get back in.

Go on, get back. Back. Now. Reach.

So that's your little game?
Trying to help a prisoner escape.

Just one more charge
against you, Rumpo.

What do you mean, Marshal?

We just dropped in for a
friendly visit, that's all.

We ain't done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong? Holding
up the stage,

cattle rustling,
shooting a Sheriff.

- You're crazy.
- Don't you believe it.

I've all the evidence in
there, and witnesses.

Don't you try it,
Rumpo. Just you try it.

I'm not a fool, you know. I know

what I'm doing. I'm
holding you all.

Right. In there, all of you.

Go on. And take him with
you. Go on, inside.

You mean, in there?

Yes. Now, get a move on,
before I lose my temper.

Well, come on, boys, you heard
the Marshal. Get in there.

Everybody inside. Come on, move.

That's the idea.

You picked the wrong man to
tangle with this time, Rumpo.

- Now, where's the key?
- Right here.

What? Oh.

And I'll take that, too, I think.

You know, Marshal, you were right.

You're too smart for
the likes of us.

I'm just gonna get
out of Stodge City.

But wait a minute. Come back.

No, please. Somebody, help.

We've got him for you, Rumpo.

Bring him in.

Big Heap.

Confidentially, Big Heap
have heap big hang-over.

Get out of here. Go on home.

Oh. Do you mean I'm not
a prisoner any more?

Nope. You can't tell the Marshal
any more than he knows already.

Get in there.

Oh. How absolutely lovely.

Do you mind?

You see, I've always wanted
a scalp with a bobble on.

Get out of here. Go home.

Uncivilised lot.

What is the meaning
of this outrage?

Why have I been brought here?

Shut up. Sit down.

What are you getting
so excited about?

What am I getting excited about?
Taken from my bed at gunpoint.

Not even allowed to
put my slippers on.

Have you ever tried riding a
horse barefoot? It hurts.

It could have been worse. You
might have been in the bath.

Gagged and blindfolded, with a
revoltingly filthy handkerchief.

I hate to think where
that had been.

I couldn't have you knowing
where my hideout was, could I?

I don't know what you've got
to hide out from, I'm sure.

Don't you know what happened
in town last night?

Somebody ratted on me

and now the Marshal has got more
than enough on me to string me up.

Oh, really? Well, I had to
go out of town last night.

We found him at the
widow Rawlins' place.

You dirty old man.
You're supposed to

be dead against
that sort of thing.

I happen to be her lawyer.

Ever since her husband died,
I've been handling everything.

I bet you have.

This is insufferable. Why have
you brought me here, I say?

Well, Judge, I'll tell you.
We're gonna make a deal.

You get rid of that Marshal...
and I will give you a rake-off.

- A what-off?
- A rake-off.

A percentage of everything
I get from running Stodge.

Are you attempting to
bribe me, a judge,

a dedicated defender
of law and order a

sworn enemy of crime
and corruption?

- Yep.
- How much?

- A quarter.
- I'll take it.

Provided you get rid
of the Marshal.

He ain't really a Marshal at all.


No. It was all a mistake. He's
really a sanitary engineer. Ha ha.

Are you trying to tell me,
Johnny Finger, the Rumpo Kid,

that I have been run
out of town by a...


Yeah. You can see the
funny side of it.

Shut up.

The deal's off. I'll
take care of him myself.

I'll fill him so full
of holes they'll

use him for straining cabbage.

How nice. Well, if
you'll excuse me...

Not so fast. I ain't
finished with you yet.

We want Knutt.

Patience, folks.
Patience. Patience.

He'll be out any minute now.

Any minute? You've
been saying that

since one o'clock this morning.

We're doing the best
we can, Marshal.

Why are those people
out there, anyway?

Don't you know? You're a hero.
Rumpo and his boys have moved out.

Some hero. Locked in
one of his own cells.

Teach you to come in here
and ask me for a quick one.

Hey, Marsh, the Rumpo
Kid's got Judge Burke.

What are they gonna do to him?

I don't know, but I don't like it.

You have to get out of Stodge.

Get out of Stodge? I can't
even get out of here.

Ok, fellas, just stand aside.

Gosh, that was marvellous, Annie.

I would never have
thought of doing that.

Marshal. Marshal, come quick.

- What is it?
- Look.

- It's Judge Burke.
- So it is.

- Is he...? Is he...?
- No, he ain't.

Get me off this thing, will you?

You're ok, Judge. Just plumb
exhausted, that's all.

So would you be if you'd been
riding like this for four hours,

with the hot sun beating
down upon your... progress.

What happened to you, Judge?

Rumpo and his men. They're
coming to get you.

- Who? Me?
- Yeah.

They know you're not
a real Marshal.

They're gonna be here at
12 o'clock high noon.

High noon? Why high noon?

I know. I told them it was
a most unoriginal time

for that kind of thing, but
they wouldn't listen. Oh.

Well, you all heard
what the Judge said.

Rumpo and his men, they'll be
coming back to Stodge at 12.

Now, I reckon if we all
stand together, we could...

Wait. Doc, you'll stand
up with me, won't you?

Well, I'd like to, son, but
I'm a kind of busy man.

Got a lot of calls to make.


Well, it looks like I'm
gonna be kinda busy myself.

But you don't need to worry. I
already got your measurements.

It's useless.

Marshal, you must get out of
here. It's only ten o'clock.

No. I may not be a real Marshal,

but I took this job and I
aim to see it through.

You can't take on Rumpo and
his whole gang single-handed.

Well, you wouldn't think
much of me if I ran away.

And, anyway, I'm a pretty good
shot. Remember the Indians? Pow.

I never wanted to have
to tell you this,

but... it was me that
shot those Indians.

- You?
- Through the stage window.

Oh. That explains how I managed
to get three with two shots.

Just a minute.

Oh, yes. And it was
you who saved me

from that hanging the other night?

You'd make some man
a good husband.

Oh, come on. You can't
help being what you are.

But just get out of here.
Go back to your drains.

Yes, that's about all I'm
fit for, isn't it? Drains.


Oh, wait a minute.

I've got it.

Annie, could you teach me
to shoot as good as you?

What? They're due in at
noon. It's after ten now.

Good. That gives us almost two
hours. Do you think I'm mad?

Nutty as a fruitcake.


Oh, get off.

Well, that's a bit better.

- Any sign of them yet?
- No.

And there's only a minute to go.

Is that all? Doesn't time
fly when you're having fun?

Marsh, please, you've got to
let me go there with you.

No. Definitely not.

It's time I started fighting
for myself. I told you.

Yes, I know.

It's just that I love you.

How was that?


This is Rumpo.

I'm coming in.



Where are you?

Here, Rumpo.

Knutt. Where are you?

Come out and fight, damn you.

Curly, you take that end. Slim,
you and me take the other.

Look out behind you.

Knutt, where are you?

Here, Rumpo.

No, here.

Just hold it right there, Rumpo.

Now... now, Marshal, er, sir.

You don't want to shoot me. Me
and the boys were only kidding.

I'm not going to shoot you, Rumpo.

I'm going to put you where you
belong, on the end of a rope.

Johnny, I'm coming.

Stop, or I'll fire.

Marsh. Oh, Marsh, I
think you're wonderful.

Come here.

I'd have got him, too, but I
haven't any bullets left.