Carry on Columbus (1992) - full transcript

Christopher Columbus believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the King and Queen of Spain to finance his expedition. But the Sultan of Turkey, who makes a great deal of money through taxing the merchants who have to pass through his country on the current route, sends his best spy, Fatima, to wreck the trip.

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Oh, Mighty One,

the first caravan of
the day has arrived

from Samarkand for
your inspection.

(trumpet fanfare)

'Tis poor quality, oh, mighty one.

I'm merely passing through
on my way to Venice.

Oh, just passing through, are you?

Well, I'm afraid that
attracts both import

and export duties.

Oh, yes, 100 in and 100 out.

200%?



It's not for nothing
that the mighty one

is called Abdul the Benevolent.

I know, I know, I'm
a fool to myself.

Oh, Mighty One, please have mercy

on a penniless merchant.

I'll be ruined.

Next.

What's this lot, then?

Garden ornaments and pottery?

No, no, this is medicinal
herbs from China.

This one is rhubarb. Huh.

And what of the other one?

Oh, this one is ginger.

Oh... is he?



Well, perhaps you'd
better give him

a stick of rhubarb, then.

Pharmaceuticals, 200%.

Oh, Mighty One, this will ruin me.

Yes, yes.

The soup kitchen's that way.

I am ruined.

Ruined.

Oh...

Whoops.

What's that powder?

It's p-p-p...

pepper.

And what is the street
value of this pepper?

Come on, own up.

Value nothing... In China,

we have no streets.

Pepper peddler.

Fine him... double.

That's 1000%.

I said double.

That's 2,000.

1,000, 2,000?

That's 3,000.

I am ruined.

Ruined...

Good.

Next...

Well, here's one ruined
before he started.

That's far enough.

What's he bringing in?

It's not perfume, that's for sure.

No, this one is a messenger.

Oh, good.

What do we charge on messages?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Mighty One, the
message is for you.

For me? Yeah.

I come hotfoot from Lisbon.

He brings news of
what the Lisbonians

are getting up to.

Well, I don't care
what they get up to,

as long as they don't
do it in the street

- and frighten the camels.
- No, no, the city of Lisbon.

Oh, the one in Portugal.

Quite correct, Oh, Mighty One.

And, if I'm not mistaken,

he brings you a message
from Achmed the Shoemaker.

Our secret agent in Lisbon.

Right, right, right.

And, where is this message?

It's, it's in my boot.

May I take it off?

Oh... oh, well...

very well, if you must.

It's a bit hard, Your Highness.

I haven't had it off in a year.

Yeah, and I can't
say I'm surprised.

"Oh, Mighty Sultan...

"A certain Christopher Columbus,

"who has the map-making
shop next to me,

claims he can reach
the Indies by sea."

By sea? By sea?

But if he succeeds, no trade
will pass through Turkey.

And we shall be ruined.

Ruined.

Summon Fatima the Circassian.

You rang, Oh, Mighty One?

Well, Fatima...

You're off to Lisbon on
our swiftest galley.

There, you must meet with
Achmed the Shoemaker.

I want you to keep an
eye on his doings.

As you command, Oh, Mighty One.

I cannot emphasise the
seriousness of your mission.

For should this mariner
Columbus find a way by sea

to the Indies, we
shall all be ruined.

And I shall be forced
to make drastic cuts.

Where's the wazir?

Well, he was here.

But I think you put
the wind up him.

Then it all depends
on you, Fatima.

And should this Columbus
have a route...

Be assured I shall
get my hands on it.

Good girl.

Christopher Columbus?

At your service, sir.

I'm told you're an Italian.

Oh, indeed I am, sir, mwah.

From Genoa.

Mm, well, I'm planning
an expedition.

Fancy that... So am I.

Oh, where to?

Well, I seek a route

across the great sea of gloom

to China and the Indies.

Do you indeed?

Well, I'm off to Italy,

and I seek a good, reliable map.

Oh, well, in that case,
please be seated.

And I shall ask my brother
what we have in stock.

Ah, thank you.

Customer wants a map of Italy.

No, we've sold out.

Tell him to come back next week.

No, he wants it now.

Chris, you can't sell
him a map of Italy

if we don't have one.

Who can't?

Here we are, sir.

One map of Italy, 500 maravedis.

Well, let me see it first.

There we are.

I can't take that home.

Why, what's wrong with it?

Well, look at it.

Yeah, well, they've had
a bit of soil erosion.

Made it go in a bit there.

And the volcanic
activity down there,

it made it go out a bit.

We can have it touched up for you.

I'm referring to the
naked mermaids.

We could have them
touched up as well.

"Achmed the Shoemaker,

"Barber and Surgeon,

Christian Convert."

Thank you.

And "Cobblers to the Pope."

Take a seat, sir. No waiting.

Fatima waits for no man.

Fatima, what are you doing here?

What's happening?

I have come from the sultan.

You've cut my ear off.

Don't worry, sir.

I'll soon stick it back on.

Another complaint about your maps.

Who from? The cardinal.

What, too many mermaids?

No, not enough cherubs.

You know, I tell you,
the sooner we find

a route to the Indies and
get out of this business,

the better.

Well, I'm off to Italy next week.

Michelangelo wants to do
me up on the ceiling.

Well, you mind you
hang on to something

while you're up there.

Now listen, the sultan
has sent me here

to be in charge of operations.

Well, you weren't much
help with the ear.

What news of Columbus?

Not a lot.

But do you keep him
under observation?

Yeah, of course.

By what means?

Ah.

What a giant step in espionage.

Yeah, well, I was 20 years
in naval intelligence.

(sexy jazz music)

Do you mind if I look?

There's nothing to look at.

Then why are you so keen?

That's how I get to the
bottom of his enterprises.

Do you think the sultan pays you

to look at naked women?

What naked women?

Well, that's it for today.

Agh.

Hmph, serves you right.

Good day, sir.

I believe you are
Christopher Columbus.

That is true, excellence.

I am Mordecai Mendoza,

formerly of the Jewish faith,

but now a convert to Christianity.

Are you collecting for something?

Collecting... no, no, no,
I've come here to help you.

I understand that you are
seeking a safe passage

across the Great Sea of Gloom.

Yes. Yes, sir.

It's an ancient Hebrew manuscript,

the logbook of Moysha
the Navigator.

Moysha the Navigator?

The first man to sail
around the world

in the year 207 B.C.

That's incredible.

Where can we talk in private?

Oh. Thank you.

Ooh.

I knew there was a
route to the Indies.

Now I've found it.

It's in Hebrew.

- It might as well be in Chinese.
- I speak that as well.

Also, I'm a master mariner.

I have everything
necessary for the voyage.

Good, have you got a ship?

Well, no, haven't you?

No.

What a job coming in
here... No, no, no, look.

Hang on a bit, hang on a bit.

Because I can get one.

I can raise the money.

I have an audience

with Queen Isabella of Spain.

We'll show her the
documents, travel tomorrow.

Spain, I can't carry
this to Spain.

Why not? Well, the
Spanish Inquisition.

I'll be arrested. No,
no, you are a convert.

Well, they're making it
especially hot for converts.

Any convert found with a
book or a document in Hebrew

is burned alive.

Look, perhaps it's best
if I took the document.

Well, you carry this to Spain?

Look, don't worry,
I won't steal it.

I know you won't.

I'm coming with you.

Inform the sultan
we leave for Spain.

Lord Torquemada,

we are assembled here before you

to ask your blessing.

Answer me in turn.

What is the purpose of our order?

To strike terror into the hearts

of Jews and Muslims.

And how is this to be done?

By interrogation under torture.

And how are they to be detected?

By offering them forbidden food,

such as pork and ham.

Here, where has he gone?

To cut the ham sandwiches.

And stay out.

Hey, what's that?

Look, will you stop worrying?

Tomorrow, we show the
queen the scroll.

After that, you'll be
under her protection.

That's tomorrow...
How about tonight?

Just keep walking.

Leave everything to me.

Huh. Evening, brothers.

A moment.

Would you care for a ham sandwich?

Oh, we'd love one.

I can't eat this.

And why not?

There's no mustard on it.

No mustard on it.

Well, there wasn't.

Mine was covered in
fluff, and I ate it.

Help the poor, sir.

Help the starving and the needy.

Oh, thank you, sir, thank you.

Sleep well.

I'll search the room.

You watch out for the others.

They're coming.

Oh... what are you doing in there?

I came for a further contribution.

And did he give you one?

Good night, gentlemen.

But, Columbus, we are an
impoverished country.

Exactly, sire.

And the only answer
to Spain's problem

is to speculate.

One must speculate to accumulate.

Unfortunately, one
has to accumulate

before one can
afford to speculate.

Precisely, sire, and how
better to accumulate

than to acquire in one fell swoop

all the treasures of the Indies?

How right you are, Columbus.

How wise.

What makes you think
he's up to it?

I have seen his testimonials.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

But we can't afford it.

Perhaps if we economised
on certain articles

around the court...

Oh... yes.

Esmeralda.

My dear... how are you?

Oh, very well.

My husband, the Count,

has got the Canaries.

Oh, dear, poor man...
Is he in much pain?

His cousin, the king,
has made him governor

of the Canary Islands.

Oh, how nice.

When will you sail?

Next week... it's such a nuisance

because, later in the year,

we have to come back.

Why?

My daughter Maria is to wed

the Duke of Costa Brava.

What, him?

I... now, I... Oh, what?

I beg your pardon, madam.

But he's... He's...

He's in the prime of life.

And one of the richest
men in Spain.

Do you know him?

Of course.

Chiquita.

Later, darling.

Milady.

You are here to chaperone Maria.

Yes, Milady.

Remember, men who
seduce young women

lurk everywhere.

Yes, Milady, that is why

I was keeping my eye
on the soldiers.

Do you await an audience, sir?

No, I'm with my brother.

He's in there with the queen.

You're not Spanish, are you?

I'm Italian, actually, a painter.

Oh, I adore art.

Do you know, perchance,
Leonardo Da Vinci?

Oh, Lenny?

Yes, very well, and
of course, Mick.

Mick?

Michelangelo?

Then, of course, there's old Mona.

Oh... so you know my mother.

I was telling her how you met.

Who, met who, who?

My daughter.

Your betrothed. Her betrothed?

Ooh, yes... betrothed.

They met horse riding.

It was love at first sight.

But... is he... able to?

I mean, can he...

But of course he can.

He has two men who
lift him on and off.

Lift him on and off... what?

Well, his horse, of course.

Very well.

Columbus, I've been persuaded

to finance your expedition.

Thank you, sire.

Have you a list of
your requirements?

I have them here.

I'll make it brief.

Firstly, the ship and supplies.

Secondly, that I be
appointed Lord High Admiral

and raised to the nobility.

Thirdly, that I am made
viceroy and governor

of all the Indies,
including Japan, China,

and anywhere else I find.

Plus...

Plus what?

10% of all the treasure.

Guards.

Remove him.

No, sire, look, you're
making a big mistake.

Stop it, will you
let go of my arm?

There's need for the back...

You're throwing away a fortune.

Ha. How did it go?

What's happening?

They're thinking about it.

Would you mind moving that back?

I can't see anything.

You never can.

Columbus offers you all
the wealth of the Indies,

and you have him thrown out.

He wanted 10%.

10%.

Leaving you 90,

90% of all the wealth
of the Indies.

Do you have any idea how
much gold there is in China?

No, no... do you?

Hmph, well, there has to
be more than you've got.

One candle between the two of us.

Never mind what I've got.

What's this Columbus
got that you're after?

Me after?

What about that brazen
hussy at court?

I see she's wearing a
new gold necklace.

And where did she get that from?

Nobody knows, do they?

No wonder there's no gold
left in the treasury.

If you're going to smother all
your fancy women in gold,

then let us bring
it in from China.

Wholesale. Yes, my dear...

Oh, ooh, ooh... My cojones, ooh.

Now, Columbus, Father Torquemada

has read your document.

But it's in Hebrew.

Yes, well, he had a
Jewish grandmother.

Didn't he?

At the seminary I attended,

it was compulsory.

What, do you mean they all
had Jewish grandmothers?

Ferdinand, remember to
whom you are talking.

The Grand Inquisitor.

He has the power of life and death

over everybody in Spain.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

To continue...

Father Torquemada confirms

this document is the
record of an early voyage.

And because of this,

we are reconsidering your terms.

Come closer, Christopher.

Ah... it's "Christopher" now.

Christopher, we shall
finance your expedition.

And my God go with you.

Ha ha.

This is it.

The "Santa Maria."

Fantastic.

Where's the crew?

Well, Mort is to be navigator
and sailing master.

You'll be the master's mate.

What, me?

And that's it, is it?

Well, so far, but we'll have

no bother rounding up the rest.

Look at the vessel.

Now roll up.

Roll up and sign on for
the voyage of a lifetime.

See the wonders of the Indies.

See mermaids at their frolics.

See lovely ladies from China.

Two-headed men from Japan.

One-legged cannibals, victims
of their own gluttony.

Oh, thank you.

And it's all on the inside.

All on the inside...
of the "Santa Maria."

I think you're flogging
a dead horse, ducky.

It's the Inquisition, darling.

All the sailors are busy

taking the Jews and
Arabs to Morocco.

They don't mind what they pay.

Yes, but what about the ones
who can't afford to pay?

Oh... you mean like
that lot over there?

Lovely gents' outfits, nearly new.

Carpet oddments,
hardly been walked on.

Candle stubs, hardly been lit.

Turkish delight, lovely
Turkish delight.

Hardly been chewed.

Do any of you lively lads
wish to go to Morocco?

We can't afford the fare.

Then sign on as crew.

No, we're not sailors.

But you can be.

See, I am in charge of
a government-funded

nautical academy:

the training ship "Santa Maria."

We sail on Wednesday.

Can we think about it?

Of course you can.

The Inquisition won't
be here till Thursday.

Spare a copper for the
snake charmer, sir?

Bring you very good luck.

I can't see any snake.

No snake?

Oh, my God, he has escaped.

Oh, sir, he has
gone up your tunic.

Madam, that is no snake.

Sorry, you very big boy.

I found him.

And that's no snake, either.

Hey, hey, you.

Hey, leave my sister alone.

She's only seven.

Achmed.

Don't worry, I have it.

Let me see.

This isn't in Hebrew.

It's in Spanish.

Well, what does it say?

"To bold, adventure loving seamen,

Columbus needs you."

Huh.

Twirl those sheets, lad.

You...

I, sir, am the master's mate.

I don't care who
you're friendly with.

I wish to see Columbus.

Columbus...

Yes?

I'm Don Juan Felipe.

I've been appointed by the king

to look after the ship's books.

Oh, the librarian.

Well, we haven't got much.

"How to Avoid Sea Serpents."

"Madame Fifi's Guide to
the Pleasures of..."

No, Captain, by books
I mean accounts.

I am to keep straight control
of your expenditure.

Now, how many crew do you have?

Well, not as many as I'd like.

Well, the king has sent
you this royal warrant.

That will help you man the ship.

I use the word "man"
in its fullest sense,

you understand.

Now, kindly have someone
to show me to my cabin.

I'm sailing with you.

Oh, really?

I don't think you'd
enjoy that experience.

Why not... I insist.

Single cabin, port side.

But we are rather crowded.

Perhaps something nice.

A mid-ships?

Mm...

Tickets for the hanging.

Tickets for the hanging.

Tuesday and Thursday.

Reduced prices for children.

Oh, hello.

Are... are you the doorkeeper?

No, I'm the governor.

It's the doorkeeper's day off.

Well, I have an
order from the king

which offers a free
pardon to any inmate

who volunteers to sail with us.

Walk this way.

Tickets to the hanging.

Half price for children.

Can I have a drink, please?

No, that's not...

The queen is...

No, that's the king, isn't it?

All right, if I can have
your attention now, please.

Quiet, everybody.

Quiet, please, quiet.

That's better.

Now, Admiral Columbus

is going on a lovely sea trip.

And he's here to tell
us all about it.

Gentlemen...

I am here to offer you the
chance of a lifetime.

To break free from these shackles

and sail the mighty ocean.

To feel the sun and
breeze on your faces,

blue skies overhead.

Fine foods, gay companions, ha ha.

And, at the end of the voyage,

a chance to share in
the untold gold...

of the Indies.

Now, doesn't that sound lovely?

I do wish I was coming with you.

This is Pepi,

the Portuguese Poisoner.

How do you do, Mr Columbus?

Does he only poison Portuguese?

No, he'll poison anyone.

He's a wonderful cook,

unless he gets in
one of his moods.

They're hanging him Thursday.

This is our Andalucian arsonist,

Tonto the Torch.

All right.

He's really quite safe.

They're hanging him Thursday.

And this is Marco,
the serial killer.

A serial killer.

Beats his victims to death
with a sack of Rice Crispies.

I've done me back in again.

Please.

I do wish you'd take him.

All right, then.

So glad you said that.

Because they were
hanging him Thursday.

Come on, let's get
your backs into it.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Strike their chains
off and sign 'em on.

Come along, boys.

We'll soon make you comfy.

Bring that bale over here.

Pick it up.

That man on the rope.

You mean you want to come with us?

Oh, I'd love to.

You made it all sound so lovely.

Well, let's see what we can offer.

Oh, I know.

Welfare officer.

And what does he do?

Well, if anyone has to be
flogged, he flogs them.

If anyone has to be
hanged, he hangs them.

I can do that standing on my head.

Sign here.

Get your backs into it.

Come in.

Ahem. Ah.

Have you ever been to sea before?

Oh, yes, sir, I'm an able seaman.

Good... 800 maravedis.

Sign here.

Oh.

Oh, that...

I can't read or write.

Oh, just make your mark.

Mark.

Can you count?

So can I.

How many fingers?

One.

Two.

Three.

Very good, keep going.

Three, three, three... eight.

Eight, exactly.

And here's your 800 maravedis.

One, two, three, eight.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, hello, sailor.

I'm not a sailor.

I'm the representative
of the King of Spain.

I'm Don Juan.

I'm Juan, too.

Juan Diego.

I'm the welfare officer.

I take it we're sharing.

I was told I was getting
a cabin of my own.

Yes, well, I was
told that as well.

But it's obviously a double cabin.

So much more roomy
than the captain's.

I'll tell you what.

You have this end,
I'll have the other.

And, if you get lonely,

you can always come up my end.

Unhitch it, would ya?

Yes, with pleasure.

Just look what they've sent down.

A barrel of wine
for the two of us.

Come on, lads.

We've got to get everything
stowed by sunset.

We're sailing tomorrow.

All right, lower away.

Let go... let go.

Carry on.

Come in.

Hello, Captain, remember me?

Your old neighbour?

Why, yes.

I've heard about your voyages,

and I'd really like to join.

Right, well, let's see
what vacancies we have.

I've also got my nephew with me.

Oh, he's a bright lad.

He wants to come also.

Well, we need a steward,
plus a surgeon,

a shipwright, and a sailmaker.

I'll take 'em.

Which one?

All of them.

I'm not paying you
three men's wages.

How about two?

All right, two, but I am
not paying your nephew.

That's all right, the
sultan pays him.

What?

I said...

he'd be insulted if you paid him.

Well, where is he?

Oh, he's outside.
I'll bring him in.

Tema.

Tema?

Yeah, it's, short for Temothy.

Well, Temothy...

sign here.

Thank you, Captain.

Bottoms up.

Ah.

What's in that one?

Ahem.

Pickled onions.

I must say, they're spoiling us.

All these provisions,
just for the two of us.

Unhitch it, will ya?

Aye, aye, sir.

Take her up.

All right, heave.

Oh, ah.

Oh, sit still, Juan.

Ooh...

Da da, Juan.

Lower the ropes.

That wine is strong.

I went quite dizzy for a moment.

("Rock-a-bye Baby" playing)

Hey... now we're on
board, what do we do?

Now we have to
sabotage the voyage.

Did you bring poison?

Of course.

Well...

we sail on the morning tide.

Have you got the first leg
of our journey mapped?

Well, God willing.

It's not easy
navigating in Hebrew.

If I'm not careful, we'll
be sailing backwards.

Hey, you aloft.

Get a move on.

Lower the gangplank.

Shove that in the captain.

In the captain?

No...

the capstan.

Weight anchor.

Aye, sir.

Weigh anchor.

Weigh... Anchor, that's it.

In God's name,

make it go.

Aye, starboard.

Aye, starboard.

Well, brother, we made it.

We made it. We are away.

Ha ha.

Steady as she goes.

Steady as she goes.

Hello, Tonto.

Is it true your known as
the Andalucian Arsonist?

I have been called that, yes.

Then perhaps you
should do something

before this Columbus
sails us to our doom.

What... you mean set fire...

to the ship?

Not completely, no.

Just enough to make
him turn the ship

back to Spain.

Go below and check
we're watertight.

Right.

Juan.

Juan, wake up, Juan.

You stay there, I'll get a bung.

Aye, sir.

Here, we've just had
a leak in the hold.

Oh, did you?

Well, next time, do
it over the side.

Good morning, Captain.

I've been counting
the ship's crew.

There seem to be
several men missing.

Missing? Yes.

Wherefore is officer shipwright?

He's aloft.

And what's he doing?

He's shortening the
spritsail yard.

And the sailmaker?

Oh, he's aloft as well.

Doing what?

He's sewing up the
slash in the spritsail

that the shipwright
made with his saw

while he was shortening
the spritsail yard.

And the surgeon?

Oh, he's up there as well.

And what's he doing?

He's sewing up the
shipwright's shin.

You see, the sailmaker shot
the shipwright in the shin

when he saw what he'd done with
his sword to the spritsail.

Do you know what I
think, Columbus?

Tell me.

I think you're full
of shifty chicanery

and subterfuge.

Thank you very much.

Whoa, whoa, oh...

Ooh, poor thing.

Well, you're all wet.

Give me the poison.

I'll ad some spice to
the captain's dinner.

Yes, but... what if it goes wrong?

Leave it to me.

Hello, Pepi.

Did you know this ship
was alive with rats?

Mm, quite big, long, black,
furry things with teeth.

Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm saving those for
the goulash, you see.

But the captain wants
to get rid of them.

He's given me this very
powerful rat poison.

You, being the expert,

would know best how to use it.

Yeah, yeah.

You're right, me old shipmate.

Leave it with me, huh?

Poison up... Grub.

Grub up.

Grub up... grub up.

Ah, good evening, lad.

What's for dinner?

The cook made it
specially for you, sir.

It's hot pot.

Ah.

What the hell is that?

I think it's a little
too hot... sir.

Two bells.

So what am I accused of then?

Trying to poison the captain,

you bad boy.

No... no...

No, I was trying to
poison the rats.

Must have just forgotten
to wash me hands.

Where are we, according to Moysha?

Let me have a look...

"Sailing west by southwest,
the 11th of September.

"It was my son's 13th birthday.

"He had reached manhood.

Suddenly, a great fog
descended upon us."

What is it today?

It's the 11th of September.

"The fog was so thick,

"that no man had ever
seen its like before.

Men holding lanterns
walked into each other."

Watch where you're going.

Yes, sir.

"The compass began to swing
backwards and forwards.

"Then, suddenly, it went mad,

as if possessed by demons."

Now to starboard?

Now to port. Port?

Now to starboard. What?

Chris... Chris.

Chris, the compass.

It's going mad, as if
it were somehow...

Possessed by demons.

How did you know?

Mm...

"This part of the sea"

"has a curse on it.

"The area is in the
shape of a triangle.

"Once a ship gets into it,

"it will sail forever
in a triangular course

"forever and ever,

"and disappear from
the sight of man.

"Because it was my
son's 13th birthday,

I called it the Bar
Mitzvah Triangle."

The Bar Mitzvah Triangle.

"It seemed we were doomed
to sail for eternity,

"up one leg, down the other,

"and along the hypotenuse.

"A Greek fellow on board
said this proved something,

"but before we could
find out what,

he was eaten by a sea serpent."

If there's one thing that
scared the shit out of me,

it's sea serpents.

"Suddenly, they
were all around us.

"Slimy, hideous creatures,

"their fangs dripping with blood.

"As they caught him
and crunched him up

"the boatswain let out one final,

blood curdling scream."

He dropped that right on my foot.

"There was only one way out
of our dreadful peril.

"A drastic course of action,

but we had no alternative."

Oh, come on... Go on, go on.

Don't rush me, it's the
end of one scroll.

Go on. All right, don't you start.

For goodness sake,
I'm doing my best.

No, go on, go on...
Does he give any clue

as to how he got out of it?

Give me it, give me it.

"As we continued through the fog,

"we saw ships abandoned
by their crews,

"ghost ships manned
only by phantoms,

demons, and hobgoblins."

Not hobgoblins.

Not them and sea serpents.

Hang on.

Hang on. Pull yourself together.

Pull yourself together.

Let's go look at the compass.

Yeah.

You, out there... Stand still.

Welfare officer...

Yes, Captain?

Take that man's ball off.

Which one?

Captain, Captain.

I see a ship on port bow.

Big, big ship.

How far away?

About that far.

Lower fenders, lower fenders.

Ho, starboard.

Lower the fenders.

Lower the fenders.

Come, everyone.

Ahoy there, we are
the "Santa Maria".

Who are you?

Who are you?

I told ya.

We are the "Santa Maria".

"Santa Maria".

There's no other border.

There's no other boarder.

She's a ghost ship.

Ghost ship.

I'm going aboard her.

Who's coming with me?

Two volunteers... you and you.

One pace forward.

Aw, come on, lads.

Where's your spirit of adventure?

Would you have me go on my own?

Yes.

I... Pepi the Poisoner,

would very much like to come, sir.

Unchain him.

Here, gov... I'll come too.

Not a living soul aboard.

A table set for a meal.

My God, it's hot.

And it's delicious.

Etiquette, men, etiquette.

Captain, where are you?

It's me...

the lovely Diego.

Don't hide from me...

Captain.

I hope we haven't
forgotten anything.

Oh, I don't think so, Mama.

Esmeralda.

Why are you pushing her
into this marriage?

Because I'm thinking
of her future.

What future?

What future has she got with a man

old enough to be my father?

Come.

Would you care to join us
on board for dinner, madam.

We're having chicken
in white wine.

More chicken, Captain?

Just a touch.

I must save room for the pudding.

Ha, this peach is invaluable.

More wine, anyone?

Bless you.

Pirates.

No.

That's what happened, Tonto.

The ship was attacked by pirates.

And then the crew
was all massacred.

And the bodies thrown overboard.

And then they left her,
adrift and unmanned...

in the middle of the ocean.

She's a dangerous ship, Captain.

She should be sunk.

Set fire to.

Yes, yes, all right.

Pass the pudding.

Cooey.

Not too late, am I?

Just look at this big spread.

Ahem.

I could do with something
hot inside me.

How about this?

Full as an egg.

This fog is abominable.

I can't even see the ship.

Oh, straight ahead.

Just coming to the gangway.

My word, I did enjoy that.

Ha. Captain,

before we go, maybe we should,

look around the ship, sir,

see if there's
anything worth saving.

Yeah... yeah, we
should, shouldn't we?

Gold. Silver.

Looks fantastic, Captain.

Well... be a shame to
leave these, wouldn't it?

Oh, now, that's lovely.

Feel the quality of that.

I do like these.

Ole.

Ah, ho.

Ole.

Ole.

Watch your step, mum.

Oy. Right, mate.

Pirates.

Pirates.

Pirates... good God.

Governor, take care of the ladies.

Pirates.

You men, follow me.

Yes, sir.

Ole.

You blundering swine.

You'll hang for this.

Now, wait a minute, there's
been some mistake.

I think not.

Before you go to your fate,

you miserable pigs...

may I possibly have the pleasure?

Fire.

Fire? Fire.

Oh, no, Tonto's at it again.

Well, Columbus.

This is the end of your voyage.

You have managed to destroy one
of His Majesty's frigates...

And my daughter and I

must return to Spain
for the wedding.

Yes, and so, sir,

as Governor of the Canaries,

I command you to abandon
this trip to the Indies

and take them there.

I'm sorry, sir, but I refuse.

Oh, you refuse do you?

Well, as you were caught
with stolen property on you,

perhaps you prefer to
hang... for piracy?

Take it into the Captain's cabin.

Ho ho.

So you're gonna sleep
in there, are you?

Yes.

So you can take his stuff out.

Turn her into the wind.

Aye, gov.

We're ship's officers, you know.

Yeah, we shouldn't have
to sleep in the hole.

Well, if it's a case
of you or me...

it's you.

Captain Columbus,

you are instructed
to take me to Spain,

are you not? I am indeed, mum.

And Spain lies to the northeast

of the Canary
Islands, does it not?

Indeed it does, madam.

Then why, Captain, are we
sailing the southwest?

Are we? "Are we?"

"Are we?" You know
damned well we are.

I'm not an idiot. I
can tell by the sun.

We are not heading
for Spain at all.

At the moment, mum, we are tacking

from side to side,

a maritime manoeuvre
of which it's obvious

you know nothing. What?

I am in command of this ship,

so I suggest you leave
the navigation to me.

Mm...

Mm...

He's not taking her
back to Spain at all.

He's set course for the Indies.

Then we must get
hold of that scroll

and destroy it.

Who are you?

You are asleep,

and I am an erotic dream.

Sleep... sleep...

Don't try to wake up.

No, no, who are you?

Oh, sir, I'm only a poor girl.

Please, Captain,

you wouldn't take
advantage of a poor girl.

Would you?

Bart.

Bart.

Bart.

Maria.

What are you doing?

The same as you.

You naughty girl, don't you dare.

You go back to bed this minute.

Are you in love with him?

I think so.

Well, do be careful.

Three bells.

Hello, Marco.

Oh.

What are you looking at?

Sharks... man-eating sharks.

The sea's full of them.

Hey... you mind you don't fall in.

Oh, my goodness.

You don't think
they'd eat me whole?

No, I'm told they spit that out.

Oh, isn't the moon lovely?

Not as lovely as you.

Oh, no, you mustn't kiss me.

I am betrothed.

Oh... yes, of course you are.

My fiance, the duke,

might find out.

Of course... he might.

Of course, he might not.

Well?

Did you get it?

Oh, I most certainly did.

Where is it? What?

The scroll.

Oh, that.

I get it tomorrow.

Fatima, we are failing
in our mission.

You must think of the sultan.

I did... and there
was no comparison.

Oh, good morning, steward.

Morning, Captain.

You're not gonna be long, are you?

No sir, heh.

You seem to have had
a restless night.

Oh, yes, well...

it's this hot weather,
the strain of command.

I don't know how much
longer I can keep it up.

Oh, you must try, sir.

You really must.

Lunch, Milady.

I do hope you're feeling hungry.

Well, I was.

Oh, yes, the chef sends
you his best wishes.

What for, a speedy recovery?

That's ghastly.

What is this Keck?

Don't blame me, Tonto.

The ship's stores have run out.

Just hold your nose when you
eat it like everybody else.

Next.

You have a sickness
of the motions.

What motions?

The motions of the ship.

The Mal de Mar, the
sickness of the sea.

No, doctor, it's the
appalling food.

I'd feel sick eating that
even if I was stationary.

Though I shall be much better

when I get back to Spain.

Yes, but we're not
going back to Spain.

What?

Mm...

It is as I thought.

Do the crew know this?

Yes, and they're furious.

A month at sea, and
not a sight of land.

Ducky, we must return
to Spain... we must.

Listen to me.

If you can persuade the men

to make Columbus go back to Spain,

my husband will pay
every man jack of you

a year's salary.

You realise, of course,
that this is mutiny.

I didn't hear that.

Kindly pass on my offer.

This ship's biscuit

is full of little crawly weevils.

Is it lawful to eat
living weevils?

What an interesting idea.

You know, it's never
come up before.

Well, it's coming up now.

This food isn't fit for pigs.

Yes, it is.

No, look... gather all
the men together.

I've got a very
interesting proposition.

Are you all right, lad?

Oh, Captain... I love you.

Yes...

Well, I'm very pleased to
hear of your loyalty, but...

But I love you, I love you.

I love you.

I love you, I love you.

Now, don't overdo it, lad.

Now, I want no more
than your loyalty.

This beard and moustache is false.

Yes, I always thought it was.

Still, if you can't grow one,

and you want to look older,

what's the harm in that?

Look at me, look at me.

Well... yes.

Well, without that beard,

you're quite good-looking.

Thank you. Now put
it back on again

and go and fetch me pudding.

I am the one who
came in the night.

My erotic dream. Yes.

Agh.

I only pretend to be a man.

I really am a woman.

Oh, I am very glad to hear that.

Most relieved.

Then... perhaps...

you could fetch me pudding?

How would you feel
about a Turkish spy?

Is that the one they
make with figs and suet?

No, no, no, no, no, Captain.

I'm an agent of the sultan,
sent to spy on you.

Can you ever forgive me?

Oh, Captain, my darling, can you?

Ooh.

Oh, well, well, I'm
sure I could, yes.

Given time.

But, Captain, time is running out.

The crew are about to mutiny.

Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

I'll soon talk them out of it.

Now, men, lads...

friends...

For we are all
friends, are we not?

Comrades bound together

by the dangers and
hardships we have endured.

I have great tidings for you.

Today, tomorrow at the latest,

we shall reach land.

You said that yesterday, Captain.

And the day before.

He's been saying it
for a fortnight.

Yeah, let's turn back.

I will not turn back.

Your last chance, Captain.

Will you turn back?

No.

Right.

You've got two minutes

to make your peace with God.

Very well.

I ask God to forgive my sins.

Which aren't any.

Amen.

I have lived a wicked
and profligate life.

Amen.

As a youth, I was a pirate.

A...

A pirate?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I plundered and looted.

But most of all,

I hoarded.

I asked God's mercy

for the hundreds of millions
of maravedis I have hoarded

and hidden away instead
of sharing them

among my fellow man.

Now, as I depart this life,

to show that I bear
no man any malice,

I do hereby give and bequeath

this fortune to be shared equally

among my fellow shipmates.

Oh, that's great.

So... haul away.

Haul the rope. No, hold on.

Where is it?

You're holding it.

Not the rope... the fortune.

Oh, the fortune.

Yes, that is buried

under an olive tree in Andalusia.

Haul away. Hold it.

I'll tell you when to haul.

Now, Captain...

which olive tree?

Oh, you'll find it.

Just keep digging, digging.

I'm sorry, I can't talk more.

Goodbye, my dear shipmates.

Oh, Captain, do as they say.

Turn back.

I really think you
ought to, Captain,

for your own sake.

Couldn't we, give you
one last chance, right?

I am determined to go
onwards or upwards.

Haul away, men. Land.

Land on the starboard bow.

Can you... Land.

Cut him down.

Oh, darling, are you all right?

Yes... unloose me.

Lad, and not so much emotion.

Not in front of the crew.

Captain... Yeah?

Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, of course I can.

Oh, oh, God.

I'm taking the ship, Captain.

Well, yes, of course.

Lower the anchor.

Lift the anchor.

Lower the boat. Lower the boat?

Ah, oh.

Can you give me one good reason

why I don't have you hanged?

Yes.

I used to be a pirate,

I got all this gold buried,

and I want to share it with you.

Ooh. I'll deal with you later.

Muster the landing party.

Muster the landing party.

Stow the sails.

So, Pontiac, what do
you think of that?

What the hell is that?

I never seen nothing like
that before, have you?

Nothing.

You know what it looks like?

Looks like, like a giant canoe

with washing hanging all
over the side of it.

Yeah, and no paddles.

Yeah, hey.

You think it's some kind

of a floating laundry
service or something?

Could be... Hey, maybe
they're Chinese.

Hey, look, they're
lowering a little canoe

from the big canoe... You
know what that means?

That means that they're
coming ashore.

Oh, this could be good.

Your wife's got any
washing she needs doing?

That's a very good idea.

Here's what we do: go
back, we ask the wives.

Huh? Okay.

Do this... hope they
don't use starch.

Forward.

I declare this land,
wherever it is,

under the protection
of Their Majesties,

King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella

of Aragon and Castile.

Mr Mendoza, would
you care to convey

our best wishes and tell
them what we've come for?

You mean speak to them?

Well, you told me
you spoke Chinese.

Ahem.

How.

What did they say?

He said he's not Chinese.

So we're not in China?

I'd say we were in India.

Do you speak Indian?

Well, not fluently.

So it's sign language?

Now, in that, I'm fluent.

Don't forget what we came for:

the treasure of the Indies, gold.

Gold.

So he's found the Indies.

Well, he's certainly
found somewhere.

Yes... all said,

the king and queen
will be all over him

when we get back to Spain.

Madam, he is before
with unreliable

and potentially
treacherous savages who,

it is rumoured...

do some very strange things
with chicken feathers,

if you follow me.

Yes, I do.

And, should any misfortune

befall Columbus,

you, as the king's officer,

will of course be in charge.

Do you follow me?

Absolutely.

Hi, Chief.

Hey, Hubba, what do you
hear, what do you say?

All right.

We think they're some kind
of travelling laundry.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

We... bring...

gifts.

Oh, no, not another mime troop.

He can't even spell.

But it's a nice suit, huh?

Him...

gift.

Him... gift.

Him, gift?

Him, garbage.

What do you make of it?

Some kind of vegetable.

Looks like old, dried cabbage.

Yeah.

What's it taste like?

Horse shit.

Is it cooked?

If it is, they should
shoot the cook.

Well, I'll be damned.

Look at that.

They cook it while
you're eating it.

So try it cooked.

Oh, yeah.

What's it taste like now?

Still taste like horse shit.

Powwow.

Powwow?

So... who are these guys?

I don't know who they are,

but you better tell 'em
that we don't want

no God damn immigrants.

Please, we've got
to be hospitable.

Excuse me, may I, may I?

Thank you.

I say we make them welcome.

Yeah, I say that we kill 'em now

while we still got
'em outnumbered.

We can't do that, we're civilised.

Oh, sure, sure, we're civilised,

but these sons of bitches
could be cannibals.

Pardon me, excuse me...

do you have the big hat
with the nice jewels?

- No, you don't. See?
- You have no feathers.

I see plenty of feathers
here, do you know why?

- That's because I'm the...
- Chief, you're the chief.

Bingo.

That's why I say we
make friends with them.

I say we show them
our ways of peace.

Course, that's just what I say.

All right, all right,
okay, you're the chief.

Whatever you say,
have it your way.

But you'll be sorry.

Bell.

Mm.

Bell.

Two bells.

Two bells.

Three bells.

Three bells.

Gold.

Gold.

Gold.

Gold.

We trade.

We trade.

Me take gold.

You take gold?

You take bells.

Balls.

No, not balls.

Bells, bells, bells.

Balls, balls, balls.

What is this?

Rather nice.

Look nice in my cabin.

Set my porthole up a treat.

Oh, watch out.

Hello.

How. Hello.

Me Ha Ha, him Poca Hontas.

Well, I never...
What's a "Hontas"?

Him tomato.

Tomato.

Eat, eat.

Oh, eating tomato.

Mm.

What's it like?

Lovely.

Taste it.

Tomato... him good.

Tomato, him go...

Aha, oh, you don't think

he means to get you going, do you?

Certainly not.

Probably means they're
easy to grow.

So... how's it going?

Ah, they're so... primitive.

"We want, we take."

"You give."

What do these guys want?

Food, women, sheep?

Sheep...

Quite.

Steady, steady.

Sorry.

They want gold.

Gold when they can have sheep?

Huh.

You weren't married to my sister.

Gold, they want gold...
It's all they talk about.

Wait a minute, hold on a minute.

All right, look, we don't
have very much gold.

And if we don't get
rid of these guys,

we're not gonna have any.

Tell me something I don't know.

What can you say... they're
simple, primitive people.

Stupid, too.

Oh, stupid as hell.

Hello.

Not bright, not bright.

Now, Diego, these are
very peaceful people.

Make sure the crew keep
their hands off the women.

Stop. Stop.

You were saying, Captain?

Now, Diego, these are a
very peaceful people.

I still say we get
rid of these guys.

Well, and you're gonna love this.

They want to see the gold mine.

Wait a minute, the gold mine?

The one that our ancestors
mined for the gold?

The one it's death to enter?

That's the one.

Good... then we'll take 'em there.

Right, lads, this is
what we came for.

Gold. Gold.

Ah, the gold mines of the Indies.

Who is this?

Shaman, medicine man.

Him make heap big spells, oh ho.

Oh, nonsense.

Yah ah ah.

Also, first class rain-maker.

Pull the other one.

Mm...

All right, all right,
you've made your point.

We're ready to go, Chief.

Shaman say safe to go.

All the best.

Right, men.

Onward.

All right, this is it, fellas.

Medicine man says
this is where we eat.

Okay, lunch.

Shouldn't we have brought
some food with us?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The Indians have brought plenty.

And it's a lot fresher than ours.

Good. I just wondered.

What are those objects
they're eating?

Ah, that's corn on the cob.

It's delicious.

Fine.

But what about us?

Yeah, you show us what you eat.

Well, we didn't bring
any food with us.

Oh, is this a day of fasting
and prayer for you?

No.

Then why didn't you
bring anything to eat?

Well, we thought
we'd share with you.

Oh, I get it.

You want to trade.

Very good...

What do you trade for the food?

Three days now, and still no news

from the shore.

What on earth can they be doing?

I don't know, but it's worrying.

I think perhaps

we'd better go ashore
and investigate.

I would take you ladies
under my protection.

Oh, thank you.

Chiquita.

Yes, Milady?

Could you ask your,
"friend" to row us ashore?

He will, if he can find some oars.

What he does when he gets there

is his concern.

No, Daddy, not again.

Who are you?

Me chief.

You... want trade?

Trade?

How much gold you want for... her?

You heathen.

Is that good?

That is my daughter.

Gold will not buy her virtue.

That, of course, does
not apply to all of us.

Chiquita.

Well, I just thought
I'd mark his card.

Hey, "Columbo," over here.

Medicine man say this is
where we're gonna eat.

Come on.

Now, look, look.

We have nothing left to trade.

Well, what about that?

Tell you what, you give me that,

we give you enough food
to get back to camp.

But from then on,
you're on your own.

Wait, wait... Why, why?

For us to go into the mine
is strictly forbidden.

We go into the mine, it
means a horrible death.

You know why?

Ungapoca kills us.

Well, we're not frightened
of him, are we lads?

You speak for yourself.

That's very good

that you're not frightened of him.

Then you go into the mine, okay?

And medicine man,
he'll go with you.

So he's not frightened
of Ungapoca.

No, no, no... He has
magic, all right?

Very powerful magic.

He can never die... he's immortal.

Now, are we gonna trade or what?

We may need these to
defend ourselves.

You still don't get it, do ya?

That is no good against Ungapoca.

The medicine man is
your only defence.

All right, lads...

do as he asks.

Go get the stuff.

It'll be my pleasure.

Yeah, what about the steward?

Well, the steward hasn't
got a weapon, have you?

Nope. No, but he could
give them his suit.

Yes, well, you know,

he's my nephew, and I'm really

very worried about
him catching cold.

What's the matter, is is sick?

Yes.

(speaks native language)

(shaman chanting)

He has put a spell upon me.

Isn't his voice kind of high?

What's he done to you?

I don't know.

I feel quite peculiar.

Oh, my God... what
has he done to him?

Giampolini.

He turned a man into a woman.

This must be a new spell.

He's never done this before.

I hope he doesn't
make a habit of it.

This is the curse of Ungapoca.

Get out of here.

Dead?

Oh, sure.

From mines of doom.

Nobody returns.

Well, then, Don Filipe,

as the wife of the king's cousin,

I order you to take command.

Thank you, mum.

What that mean?

That mean we're leaving
as soon as possible.

Oh, you no want gold?

Well, we... we... We
wouldn't mind a bit.

Ah, go ahead, use the hut.

Ooh.

But if you want gold...

We trade.

Huh.

Right, lads, now stick together

and follow me.

Could that be Ungapoca?

Or one of his victims?

I don't know, but I don't
like the sound of it.

He doesn't sound too
keen on it, either.

(speaks native language)

(shaman chanting)

Huh.

Aaaaah.

Stand back.

Did you hear that?

He must have dropped for a mile.

Listen.

What?

He's coming back up.

Aaaaah...

I suggest we turn back.

No, lads, no, we've
come too far for that.

Press on. Dear.

Heh.

Hyuh.

I don't think my heart can
stand much more of this.

Oh.

Ooh. Ooh.

I'm being interfered with.

Well, what's the matter?

Come here, come here, look.

Stand still... look, will you...

It's only spider.

Probably quite harmless.

Press on.

I am not going any further.

No, neither am I.

Well, that's it.

We've got to go forward.

There's no turning back.

Agh.

Oh, God.

Agh, oh, God.

Wait... What now?

The earth.

It's moving beneath us.

The ship is provisioned
and ready to sail.

One more day, please.

Just in case they're alive.

They are dead.

D-E-A-D.

Dead.

Ooh.

(natives muttering)

Pontiac...

What happened?

Mr Columbus says that
he's ready to go home.

Wait, Chief, wait.

First... powwow.

Pow... wow.

No, no, thank you.

I'm not hungry.

So... you no want to leave us?

Not without some gold.

All right... you got it.

You wanna trade?

What do you got to trade?

Oh, and no more little bells
this time, all right?

What do you think, I'm a Rube?

I never been around the block?

Jeez.

Oh, wait, and we want wine,

like your annoying
lady friend gave us.

All right, we want guns,
we want gunpowder.

No, no, no, you don't want guns.

You... you are a peaceful people.

Right, and then we met you.

Became civilised.

So you want gold?

Yes.

Big chunks of gold?

Yes.

We want wine and
guns and gunpowder.

All right, it's a deal.

Have a nice day.

Oh, Hubba.

Chief?

Bring the gold for trading.

You know, the special
gold, the one we use

for trading with special people.

Sure, Chief.

No, I'm still not hungry.

Goodbye, Achmed.

I'm no longer a spy
for the sultan.

What about me...
What am I gonna do?

You could always go back to Turkey

and continue whacking for him.

No, he'll be angry at our failure.

I'm gonna lose me pay, me bonuses.

He may cut off me emoluments.

Well, if he does,

you could always get
a job as a eunuch.

Goodbye.

All right, now, put
your backs into it.

Put your backs into it.

Whoa, whoa.

Easy on that rope.

Haul away.

Anchor away.

Mainsail.

So, you're the governor... Ooh...

I have had the experience.

Yeah, well, you know, your
knuckleheaded friends

made a lot of changes around here.

Yeah, for the worse.

No, improvements.

Ah, there's an improvement...
More shootings, huh?

But remember, everyone has a right

to carry a gun.

If you can afford one.

Yes, well, we'd better get back

to the governor's hut before dark.

It's not really safe any
more around here, is it?

Ah, there is a God.

Look at it.

And 10% of it's mine.

Ours.

Ours, ours, of course, yes.

We'll discuss that later.

Wait a minute, there's
something wrong.

What?

It doesn't feel heavy enough.

Give me knife.

Ah...

What's that?

Sounds like the captain.

Please, God, he's
having a seizure.

Come on, take something.

Make you feel better.

Ooh, better, how
can I feel better?

When we get back to
Spain, they'll hang us.

Well, it fooled us,
maybe it'll fool them.

Ah. You think so?

May it please Your Majesties

to accept the first
consignment of gold

from the Indies.

Behold the gold.

Christopher Columbus...
what can I say?

Oh... is that all there is?

This is a mere sample, sire.

I'll bring you more
on our next voyage.

Silence in the name of Torquemada.

Was this gold taken from
the natives of the Indies?

Yes, Father.

And were these Indians baptised?

No, no... no.

No, they are heathens.

Then, under Your Majesty's laws,

this gold, the property
of heathen heretics,

is confiscated by the Inquisition.

Remove it from the court,

for it is accursed,

and accursed will be all
those who touch it.

Now look what's happened.

And it's all your fault.

My fault? It's his fault.

My fault? Yes.

Why didn't you have
those Indians baptised?

Because, sire, you
didn't send me a priest.

All you sent was a bookkeeper.

Did you get rid of it?

It sank like a stack of stones.

There's one thing that worries me.

Supposing somebody
asked the Inquisition

what happened to it.

Bart, nobody questions
the Inquisition.

They're the ones who
ask the questions.

Oh, Bart.

As a ship's captain,
I now pronounce you

man and wife.

Ah...

I do love a nice wedding.

Oof.

Carry on, Columbus.

♪ There she blows ♪

♪ Carry on, Columbus ♪

♪ There she blows ♪

♪ Deeper than the ocean ♪

♪ There she blows ♪

♪ Carry on, Columbus ♪

♪ There she blows ♪

♪ Land ahoy ♪

♪ Got a new look, baby ♪

♪ 3,000 miles afloat ♪

♪ You got a new love, baby ♪

♪ Come back to what you lost ♪

♪ She's waiting for you, baby ♪

♪ She's new territory ♪

♪ She's waiting for you, baby ♪

♪ To get the hell back home ♪