Carry on Cleo (1964) - full transcript

Two Britons are captured and enslaved by invading Romans and taken to Rome. Hengist Pod creates useless inventions, while Horsa is a brave and cunning fighter. One of their first encounters in Rome leaves Hengist being mistaken for a fighter, and gets drafted into the Royal Guard to protect Caesar. Cleo doesn't want him around and plots for his sudden demise...

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This is Cleopatra, the
fabulous queen of the Nile,

whose only resemblance
to an iceberg

is that no more than one
tenth of her is visible.

While nine tenths, the better part
of her, is beneath the surface.

Fate has decreed that
the mighty leader

of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra

should be flung together into
the melting pot of history.

Aargh.

And this is the ancient British
settlement of Cockium inconnoviae.

Where lived the
inventor of the device

that has brought to generations
of beautiful girls



the healthy exercise known
as "having to walk home".

As he worked at his wheels, this
simple Briton, Hengist Pod,

would listen to his wife telling
him what he should do with them.

Wheels, wheels, wheels, that's
all you ever think about.

Doesn't matter about me, oh, no,

nevermind about taking
me out for a bit of fun.

It's all very well your sitting
there making perishing wheels,

but what sort of
life is it for me?

Nothing but the same drear
old round, day in, day out.

Stuck in this miserable hovel,
while you go your own sweet way.

- Scraping and screwing?
- Scraping and screwing.

Trying to keep a roof over my head

with precious little
help from you.

- Fingers to the bone?
- Working my fingers to the bone.



Scrubbing and clearing
up after you.

Hot ash-pit?

Slaving away over a hot ash-pit
morning, noon and night.

Cooking meals that nobody
appreciates, and for what?

- Insults and ingratitude?
- Insults and ingratitude.

I've given you the
best years of my

life, Hengist Pod,
and do you care?

- Not a jot.
- Not a jot, you don't.

For all you care, I may
as well not be here.

Well, my mother warned me.

"You'll never get anywhere with
him," she said. "He's a dreamer."

Poor Mother. I'm glad she's
not here to see this.

I'm glad she's not here
as well, the silly old...

- What did you say?
- Is the tea ready?

- Good day to you.
- Oh. Hello.

I'm your new neighbour. I've
just moved into the next cave.

We were gonna take that,

but we didn't like the idea
of constant running water.

Isn't that an advantage?

Not when it's running
through the roof.

Excuse me, but I was just admiring
that thing you're making.

It's very good. What is it?

Oh, it's a wheel. It's
for going on a cart.

Where I come from, they
have things to go on carts,

but they're sort of
round, like that.

Yes, yes, yes. I know
all about those.

But the trouble with them is, you
see, that if you stop on a hill,

they roll backwards.

This one won't, you see.

Ah, but... but will
it roll forwards?

Obviously, if it can't
roll backwards,

there's only one way
left for it to go.

And another thing. If you think
you're going to get away with...

Oh. I beg your pardon.

I didn't know we had company.

This is our next-door
neighbour, dear, Mr...

Horsa. Son of Ethelred.

Not Ethelred the Unready?

No, my dad was always
ready. So my mum said.

How do you do, Mr Horsa?

Please excuse the way I look.

I haven't had a chance to put
on a lick of woad this morning.

Not at all. You look lovely.

My name's Pod, Hengist Pod.
This is my wife Senna.

Senna. Oh. That's a pretty...

- Pretty what?
- Er, pretty name.

It was, till I married
somebody called Pod.

I shall excuse my wife.
She's not quite herself.

Her poor old mother was
eaten by a brontosaurus.

- That was too bad.
- Yes, you're right.

Brontosaurus died within the hour.

How much do you want
for your wheel?

I don't know. I've
never sold one before.

- People don't like new ideas.
- I'll have it.

Just the one? What
good would that be?

- I'll show you.
- Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing? Look.

They support the rim. It'll
be no good without them.

Watch.

There we are. Makes
a perfect frame.

So it does, yes. But what's that
square opening in the middle for?

It's just an idea I had
for letting in more

light. I thought I'd
call it... a win-Dow.

Win-Dow.

Oh. We can call
that a win-Dow-rim.

Yeah. What about window frame?

Oh, well, if you like.
It's all the same.

And so the good people of Cockium

went about their very
simple business,

blissfully unaware that only
a few miles north of them,

the ground was shaking
to the inexorable tread

of Julius Caesar's
conquering soldiers.

Sinister. Dexter.
Sinister. Dexter.

Their leader was Mark Antony,
Julius Caesar's greatest friend.

What a country.

A figure to strike awe into
the hearts of men and women,

for two different reasons.

Meanwhile, still
blissfully unaware

of the approach of
the Roman legions,

the simple people of
Cockium continued

with their very simple lives.

There's no prettier sight
than a young couple courting.

It makes you want to get your club
out and have a bash yourself.

Was it like that
with you and Senna?

Sort of, except that
she had the club.

I had my eye on a mate in
Bristol. Gloria, her name was.

Beautiful. Lovely
long, strong hair.

I could have dragged
that girl anywhere.

Well, why didn't you?

The damned Romans invaded her

settlement. She was
never seen again.

If those rotten Romans
come here, I'll...

- The Romans are coming.
- I'll be off.

No. Running will do you
no good. Where are they?

They're just coming over the
hill, thousands of 'em.

Arm yourselves,
men. Get your women

and children away to the hills.

Go on, move.

Do you mean to say we're
gonna fight them?

If we can just hold them
up till we get word

to Boadicea and her
army, there's a chance.

- Can you run?
- Just what I wanted to do.

She's camped at Carlisle.
Go like the devil.

I'll take Senna.

Never mind about your wife.

It's my two-wheeler. I
named it after her.

- All right, but be quick.
- You can depend on me.

Legion. Legion. Terminus.

What's that settlement down there?

We call it Cockium
inconnoviae, General.

What a mouthful. They deserve to
be done with a name like that.

We could do with a few captives.

They fetch 20 sesterces
a time back home.

It'd be silly going
back empty-handed.

Right. Order the attack.

Legion, incursamus.

Ow.

It's hard work catching
these damn Britons.

- All right. On your way.
- All right.

Don't give up hope, men.

Remember, Hengist is on
his way to our army.

Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

Oh, no.

Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

Come on. Come on.
Pull him along there.

Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

Excuse me. Any chance of a lift?

Yes, mate. Hop in.

Thank you. How far are you going?

- Just to Rome.
- Oh, I see.

Would you mind dropping
me at Carlisle? Our

army's there and I've
got to get help.

You see... the Romans are
attacking our settlement.

- You don't say?
- Yeah.

- In that case, come on.
- Oh. Thank you.

Oh. Well... What are
the chains for?

Just to stop you falling
out of the cart, mate.

Thank you very much. That's
very thoughtful of you.

The pleasure is mine.

Oh. You seem to be rather full up.

I suppose I'd better
wait for the next one.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Get in there.

Oh. Hello.

Oh, you silly Pod.

Enthroned in his
lush headquarters,

mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet
smell of success and eucalyptus.

Achoo.

Oh, I do feel queer.

He was closely guarded as always
by the champion gladiator of Rome

and captain of the Praetorian
guard, the noble Bilious.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Oh, it's not your fault, Bilious.
It's this wretched country.

I haven't been right since we
landed. It's the water, you know.

It's making very irregular
soldiers of us all.

Oh, I've never known such a
cold, damp, depressing place.

Achoo.

Even my laurels have wilted.

When I left Rome, they
were positively rigid.

Here, my lord. I've prepared
this for your illness.

Oh, yes, dear? What is it?

It's an old British
medicant, my lord,

made of mustard seed,
brewed up with bats' ears,

seaweed and the intestines
of pregnant lizards.

Yes. Charming.

To be taken externally, I trust?

Yes, my lord. You just add a
little to your foot bath.

Like this.

Oh.

Oh, it's good. Yes. Very good.

Pretty little thing.

Where did we capture her?

At the settlement they
call Bristol, sir.

Oh, yes. I might've guessed.
And what is your name, dear?

They call me Gloria, my lord.

Remind me to take her
back to Rome with me.

I'd like to give my wife
something useful for a change.

Useful, sir? To her?

Fair's fair. The last thing
she gave me was some perfume.

It sounds like one of our
legions is returning, sir.

Legion, dismiss.

The army from the south with
Mark Antony at their head.

Oh, good. My friend.

- Hail, Mark Antony.
- Hail.

Snow. Sleet. Thunder.
Lightning. The lot. Julius in?

Aargh.

I see he is.

It's all right for some people.

I'm busy waging a war, he's
busy trying to make a piece.

Mark Antony, sir.

- Julie.
- Tony.

I've caught you with your toga up.

I was just soaking my feet.

I can't seem to get them warm.

You've been wearing
open-toed sandals again.

No, it's not that,
it's this filthy

disease I've caught.
Some local thing.

It's called "a stinking cold".

Never mind. Carry on. Don't
mind me. Get them in again.

- Thank you.
- All right?

Much better. And how goes
the conquest of Britain?

I just don't get these
Britons at all.

Every time we get a
decent punch-up started,

some geezer behind
their line shouts,

"Tea up." and they all disappear.

"Tea up"? How very odd.

It must be one of these
strange Gods they worship.

Like this other one they're
always talking about, "Crumpet".

What's that again?

Crump-et. I don't
understand it at all.

No. I don't think they
want to be conquered.

I know what you mean. Apathetic.

That's the word.

We didn't have any
trouble in Spain

and Gaul. We slayed 'em there.

I don't know why we
bother with this lot.

Look at these lovely
straight roads I built.

They don't even
bother to use them.

Same with the baths. This
country is a dead loss.

It's always so cold and damp.

You wouldn't think it,
but this is supposed

to be "the season of
the golden breezes".

More like the season
of the brazen monkeys.

Excuse me, sir, but a
messenger is without.

I'm not surprised.

If we stay here much longer, we'll
all be without. Send him in.

Enter.

Hail, Caesar, hail.

Oh, hail. My corn.

Hail.

All right. We don't want all that.

What is it?

Mighty Caesar, I have
come hotfoot from Rome.

I bring an important message from

your esteemed
father-in-law Seneca.

Oh. I wish he'd use a
lighter notepaper.

I'm terribly sorry, my
lord. I didn't mean...

Get out, you great steaming
nit. Go on, hop it.

- Go on, Julie. Sit down.
- Oh, thank you.

Fool.

- What does the old fool say?
- Hang on.

It starts off, "Beware
the ides of March."

What does that mean?

Don't ask me. He's always
making some silly prediction.

Last time it was, "Beware
the nuts in May."

He's a nut if every saw one.

Hello. This doesn't sound so good.

"There is news from
Egypt that Ptolemy

is trying to usurp Cleopatra."

- Trying to do what with her?
- Usurp her.

Sounds positively revolting.

Who is this Cleopatra?

That bird that rules Egypt. She
could cause us a lot of trouble.

- Don't they all?
- Hey, listen. Listen to this.

"The senate demands
immediate action."

"And there is a movement afoot to

make Brutus Emperor
in your absence."

That plotter Brutus.
He's always had

his eye on the Emperor's throne.

You won't let them take
it away from me, Tony.

Julie, Julie, Julie.
I'm your friend.

You are my friend.

I think we ought to get
back to Rome right away.

Good idea. And if
anyone but me is going

to be Emperor, I'd
like it to be you.

I'll drink to that.

Two months later, after an
absence of three years,

Caesar made a triumphant
return to Rome.

Well, not completely
triumphant, perhaps.

Let's just say he had
a small majority.

Hail, Caesar. Hail.

Hail, Caesar, hail.

Boo. Boo.

I don't like the look of this mob.

Give them a bit of
the old flannel.

Yes, I've got my flannel ones on.

No, no. Make a speech.
Win 'em over.

- Well, if you think so.
- Yes. Go on.

Friends, Romans...
Countrymen. I know.

Well, get on with it, then.

I have been away from you
now for three years.

And it don't seem a day too long.

During that time, friends, I have
taken Spain, I have taken Gaul,

I have taken Germanica.

What would you have me take next?

A running jump.

I want to thank you for
this wonderful welcome.

Every time I return from an
expedition, I am struck...

Boo.

Again and again...

Have you forgotten what
I've done for you?

I've given you an empire,
I've given you prosperity...

What about all my reforms?
I've cleaned up this city.

Have you forgotten my slogan,
"Nihil expectore in omnibus"?

"No spitting on the
public transport."

- That does it. Get inside.
- It's a disgrace.

I'll do him one of these days.

Charming. What a welcome
for a great Emperor.

How sickening.

On the steps of my
own palace, too.

Oh, Plato... great
and learned scholar,

that you should see me thus,
covered in... stains.

Where is everybody?

Where's Seneca? Where's Calpurnia?
They are usually here to greet me.

Now, don't be silly, dear.

Just take it in your hand.

It won't bite.

That's it.

Now dip it in the ink.

- Seneca, what are you doing?
- Oh, hello.

I was just teaching
her to write. Why?

You might have welcomed me home.

Oh. Have you been out, then?

Out? I've only been in
Spain, Germany, Britain.

Oh, yes, of course
you have. I forgot.

- Where is Calpurnia?
- At her toilet.

Ah. Where?

In her bath.

That's all right, then.

Yoo-hoo, Calpurnia, sweetheart.
It's me, dear. I'm back.

And about time, too.

And where, may I ask, have you
been for the past three years?

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know perfectly
well where I've been.

- Where?
- I've been conquering.

Hah. Conquering, you call it?

Gallivanting around Europe
enjoying yourself more like.

No. It was a purely business trip.

Hannibal used to take his wife
with him on his business trips.

Well, it was different for him. He

had all those elephants
to help him.

Anyway, it would have been no fun

for you, all that
eternal fighting.

Since when have you
done any fighting?

No, I meant if you'd
come along too, dear.

I know you, Julius Caesar.

You'd do anything rather
than stay at home with me.

Well, you won't be here much
longer for me to worry about.

What do you mean by that?

Seneca says there's a
bird of ill omen about.

I've just seen him with
her in the library.

Ah.

Your days are numbered.

Beware the ides of March.

Oh, shut up, you silly old faggot.

Don't you dare speak
to my daddy like that.

Well, he gets on your nerves.

I'm sorry, dear, but I'm
fed up with listening

to all his visions
and omens and stuff.

Seneca is well known throughout
Rome as a truly great sage.

Yes. And I know my onions.

I wish you'd been in Britain,

they know what to do
with sage and onions.

Oh, my dear, you've no idea
how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long
time to go without.

Without what?

Without the company
of a beautiful wife.

What about all those women abroad?

There weren't any. They don't
have them abroad, you know.

They're a very bashful
people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

Sir, what do you want done
with your woman here?

What is that?

It's just a little thing
I picked up in Britain.

It's for you.

I don't want any of your pick-ups.

I'll have her.

No, you won't, you dirty old sage.

Daddy, take me away from
this... this monster.

Monster?

How dare he insult me by
offering me this... this...

I quite agree, daughter.

She's no use to you.

But don't you worry. I'll think
of something to do with her.

But I've other gifts for you,
dear. I've onions from Spain.

I've got some Spanish onions.

Cheeses from Holland.

I've got some Dutch cheeses.

And stones from far-off Gaul.

She's got gallstones an' all.

I had no idea.

This is a fine
homecoming, I must say.

Oh. They haven't even
warmed the seat.

By now, the captives from
Britain had arrived in Rome.

Herded together in
their little room,

they were learning
to their dismay,

that this was one emergency

in which nothing happened
if you pulled your chain.

All right. If you don't want the
goods, stop messing them about.

I'll tell you the
truth. There's little

demand for this British
stuff nowadays.

They don't make them
like they used to.

Look here, Marcus.

No, I'm Spencius. It's my
brother what's Marcus.

We're in partnership
now, you know.

Marcus and Spencius.

- Here's my card.
- All right. Now, you know me.

Did I ever bring you any rubbish?

I only bring you the
best, you know that.

Look at them, all solid
bone and muscle.

Bone and muscle
I've got plenty of.

It's brains what people want.

They've got brains.
Artisans, everyone of them.

- What did you do in Britain?
- I was a wheel maker.

See that, he makes wheels.

- Square ones.
- Squ...?

Never mind him. Here,
you. What did you do?

- I was a hunter.
- Hunter?

Hunter. Now, what about
that, then? A hunter.

What did you hunt?

Romans.

A fat lot of help you are.

Look, General. I'll tell
you what I'll do with you.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll

give you 150 sesterces
for the lot.

150 sesterces? Do me a favour.

Do us a favour.

You keep out of this.

All right, 200 and they're yours.

160. Not a sesterce more.

160. What a liberty.

That's daylight robber. How
can you stand there and...

All right. 160.

Providing you throw her in.

Her? You don't want
no more slaves,

General. You've got plenty.

For working, yes.

Yeah, but I mean, she's worth
40 sesterces to me, you know.

She's a very good worker.

She can cook... make clothes...

wash... scrub...

That's fine. I could
use a good scrubber.

All right. It's a deal.

You're a good lad. Put my mark on
her. Send her round to my villa.

Free delivery he wants.

While all this was going on,

Brutus was in the
Senate indulging in

the grand old Roman
game of mixing it.

And I warn you, members
of the Senate,

if we allow Caesar to go on like
this, the Roman Empire's finished.

Hear hear.

Already, gentlemen,
we are in a decline.

And I don't have to remind
you what that leads to.

A fall.

I'm so sorry. Did I
interrupt something?

Hail, Caesar.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

I must warn you, Julius, there
is unrest in the Senate.

There have been rumblings.

It's all that spaghetti they eat.

Rumblings against you.

They're concerned about affairs in
the east, Ptolemy and Cleopatra.

Are they having an
affair? Do tell.

They're fighting for
the throne of Egypt.

If one of them can muster an
army, it'll be hard for Rome.

They don't want to
worry about that.

Exactly. I've done my
best to reassure them.

But perhaps a word from you?

Of course. I'll
give them a speech.

Friends... Romans...

- Countrymen.
- I know.

I have been away from you
now for three years.

Hooray.

But now I am back.

Boo.

- How am I doing?
- They're right behind you.

I thought so.

With regard to the situation in
Egypt, I will tell you this,

if Cleopatra and this
other upstart...

- Ptolemy.
- I am telling you.

If these upstarts should prove
a threat to the Roman Empire

I will not hesitate...

nor notwithstanding...
anything to the contrary.

I shall take steps... now to
give serious consideration...

to the action, to be
taken in the event

of events happening,
notwithstanding...

anything to the contrary.

Please, show your approval
in the usual manner.

You've never had it so good.

Stay there.

Supermarket, innit?

Look at that.

"MA." What does that mean?

Mark Antony. She's his.

It could've been worse.

How?

Might've been Frank Antony.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Citizens, today is your lucky day.

It just so happens
that I have been

able to procure at
enormous expense

a limited number of
very top quality

Britons, all fresh in
today. No rubbish.

All right, you. Come on.

- Where to?
- You're going for auction.

Think of that. Me
being knocked down.

It's better than being knocked up.

- Come on.
- Bring him in, Marcus.

Coming, Spencius. Go on.

How about that then, ladies?

Isn't that a magnificent specimen?

Phwoar. If that is
not a very handy

little thing to have
about the house,

my name's not Spencius.

Right, now. What am I bid?

Ten.

15.

20.

25.

30.

40.

41? Yes?

I'll pay you back.

- All done at 40?
- No...

Right. Sold to the lady
in the green schmutter.

What's your name, darling?

Willa Claudia.

Willa Claudia. Mark
him up, will you?

Willa Clau...?

WC? Oh, no.

Please. WC.

What happened?

Very funny. Very funny.

Do you know what? I think they're
making a convenience of you.

Shouldn't worry about him.
He's doing all right.

He's been bought by a woman.

What's the benefit in
being bought by a woman?

What do you think?

Oh. Yeah, right.

Lead me to 'em.

All right there, citizens, here
is another of our special offers.

Now then. What am
I bid for this...

for this er...

For this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on.

Who's going to start the
ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

No, I didn't.

Don't worry. They're just
overawed at the moment.

Get out of it.

Who'll say three sesterces?

- Two?
- One?

Now, look here, citizens.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

With this special offer
here, I will throw in

this beautiful plaster cast
of the goddess Aphrodite,

absolutely free, gratis
and for nothing.

Right. No sale. Mark
him up for the usual.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just stamped
me with a little lion. Look.

That means you'll be going
to the lions, mate.

- I hope they're a nice family?
- You'll find out.

Er, Hengist.

What he means is, you're to be
thrown to the lions in the arena.

- Those lions. No.
- Hengist.

Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth,

quick snap of the old
jaws and it's all over.

That's all very well, but how am I
gonna get his head in my mouth?

What about me? Do you fancy being
lumbered for the rest of your life

as the pampered pet
of an old Roman bag?

Quite frankly, yes.

Well, I can't face it.
Let's make a break for it.

- What, escape?
- Anything's better than this.

Get behind the doorway and when
the guard comes in, trip him up.

All Romans are idiots.
They know absolutely...

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- Thank you very much.
- Not at all.

Come on.

Now, I'm not here today
and gone tomorrow.

I won't be here this afternoon.

What a day.

Pelted by the populace, sat on by
the Senate, spat at by my spouse.

Honestly, I don't know why
I bother being Emperor.

Why do you?

Don't be silly. What
else could I do?

At school, I didn't
even get my X-one-plus.

You could be a public orator.

Public oratory? Oh, no, it's
an unspeakable business.

I hear some slaves escaped
from the market today.

That's all I needed. What have
I done to deserve all this?

Have I displeased the
Gods in some manner?

O, dark, invidious muse
that blights my life.

Come, show your
fearful, haggish face.

- Yes?
- Not you. What do you want?

Well, I thought you'd like to
know. There's another strike on.

Not another one? Who
is it this time?

- The eunuchs.
- The eunuchs?

For heaven's sake, what
are they striking for?

They're complaining
about loss of assets.

- Hail, Bilious.
- Hail, Antony.

I want to see the boss.

Mark Antony, sir.

At last we'll hear something
cheerful for a change.

My friend.

- You're right in it this time.
- Oh, no. What's happened now?

News from Egypt.
Ptolemy has mustered

an army and is marching
on Alexandria.

What about Cleopatra?
Is she mustered?

Well, I have heard a
couple of stories.

No, I mean, has she
mustered an army?

Oh. Yes, I believe she has.

We've got to do something
about that lot.

But what do we do?

Do we support Ptolemy
and defeat Cleopatra

or vice versa?

Well, if you're bringing vice
into it, I prefer Cleopatra.

If only we knew what was
happening out there.

What on earth is going on?

It's Daddy. He's having
one of his visions.

Good. Now perhaps he'll be
able to tell us something.

Oh. Hello.

- Well? Did you see anything?
- Oh, yes. And it was lovely.

There was this room, you see,

and it was full with lovely
girls all lying about

in things you could
see right through.

Daddy, dear. You've been
eating cheese again.

Daughter dear, no, I haven't.

And then Caesar came in, and
there was a lot of soldiers.

What happened to me?

I don't remember. I was
busy looking at the girls.

Blimey, this is a waste of time.

If you want to find out
what is going to happen,

you have to consult
the vestal virgins.

- Of course. The temple of Vesta.
- I say. Can I come too?

Certainly not.

I thought it would
make a nice change.

That's one place we don't
want any changes, thank you.

You might have already got some,
with the eunuchs on strike.

Oh, don't say that. I want them to

augur something
really nice for me.

You'd better hurry
up. They'll soon

be shouting "Last augurs, please."

Oh. Dead end.

I can hear them coming.
We're done for.

No, we're not. Come on. In here.

Cor.

Look at that.

Look. Look.

Hey, there's a door.

"Strictly no admittance. Vestal
virgins and eunuchs only."

- What are we?
- Well, you should know.

They must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it. If anyone

asks who we are,
say we're eunuchs.

Oh, yeah. What have
we got to lose?

Cor.

Hey. We're in the ladies'.

No, you fool.

Don't you know it's
immediate death

for anyone who goes in there?

Ho within. It's the city guard.

Open up, please.

Oh. That's all right. I'm
sorry to have bothered you.

It's all right. They've gone.

Thanks.

Yes. I don't know what we'd
have done without you.

I don't know what we could
have done without you.

♪ Wherever I wander ♪

♪ There's no place like Rome ♪

More wine.

More vino. Come along, girl.

Ah, there she is.

Why don't you come on
in? The water's lovely.

No, thank you, my lord.

Go on, girl. I'll let
you play with my duck.

Oh.

Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar?

Oh, he's gone to convulse
the Vestal Virgins.

- Consult.
- You're quite right.

Never mind. I'll find him later.

- Oh, no, you won't.
- What does that mean?

That vision, and those girls.

That was the Vestals.

And what's more, I can
remember what happened.

- What happened?
- He was done.

What? He had Bilious and
the guards with him.

Nobody could have got near him.

Aha. That's just it.

It was them who did it.

Blimus.

Horsa...

Don't you think it's about time
we should be getting along?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, there's no point in
taking unnecessary risks.

No. No, of course not.

Perhaps we'd better just stay
here a little while longer.

Yeah... Just a couple
of months or so.

? Fanfare.

Aarrgh.

What's happening?

- Sir.
- Get me out of here.

It's a disgrace. There must be a
more comfortable way to travel.

I'm sorry, sir, it was a low arch.
There wasn't a warning sign.

Who holds the office of
traffic commissioner?

You do, sir.

Well, in future watch where
you're going. Are we there?

Yes, sir.

Good. Come in with
me and stay close.

- I don't feel safe tonight.
- You're not.

Guard the door. Let no one enter.

Wise daughters of the goddess
Vesta, grant me an augur.

Who is it that craves our
advice at this hour?

It is I, Caesar, grandson of Venus
and Anchises, your divine Emperor.

Caesar. We shall all die for this.

Open up, I say. Or must I enter?

Yes?

Oh, good evening. I
wanted to ask...

Are you really a Vestal Virgin?

Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch.

Oh, I see.

You're a what?

I'm sorry. Vestal Virgins
are off tonight.

Are my senses
deserting me? There's

something funny going on here.

Bilious, I... What are you
doing with your thing?

I'm sorry, sir. But for the
good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personal
bodyguard. I don't want to die.

I may not be a very good live

Emperor, but I'd be
a worse one dead.

Treachery. Infamy. Infamy.

They've all got it in-for-me.

Aargh.

Take this. Catch.

In here. Quick.

Ah. More of you?

Right. Come on.

What a carve-up.

Well, he can't say
I didn't warn him.

If I've said it once, I've
said it a thousand times.

"Beware the ides
of March," I said.

But it's not March. It's January.

Yes, but an idiot like
him wouldn't know that.

My poor dear husband. Is he dead?

It's difficult to tell. He
always looks the same to me.

He looks a little wan.

He looks a big one if you ask me.

Speak to me, Julius.

Speak to me.

I hear a night owl screeching.

It is I, Julius.

Your wife Calpurnia.

Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear.

Draw near and lend me your ear.

Don't. You'll never get it back.

Yes, Julius, dear. Did you
wish to say something?

I cannot go without saying
something for posterity.

No, dear. Of course you cannot.

Then let our posteriors know this.

- Yes, Julius?
- My farewell speech.

Friends, Romans...
Countrymen. I know.

My last immortal words are...

Veni, vidi, vici.

I came, I saw, I...

I conked out.

Oh. He's gone.

Oh, woe is me.

Could I but tell him how sorry I
am for the way I've treated him,

how much I loved him.

Hello. What's going on?

The mighty and noble
Caesar is no more.

Shut up. They haven't even touched
him. He's fainted, that's all.

You little squirt.

They wanted to kill me. And
it's the thought that counts.

- Come, Daddy.
- Gladly.

Oh, but, Calpurnia...

They'd have got you all right,

if that slave hadn't been
there to slay 'em all.

What slay you... what say you?

It's incredible. But do
you know that he beat

the five top gladiators
of Rome single-handed?

Where is he? I must
meet this superman.

Guards. Bring in the prisoner.

- Is that him?
- That's him.

Are they holding him
the right way up?

Bilious and the
others were all slain

and that little runt was there
with a sword in his hand.

He alone?

No. Please, there's
been a mistake, sir.

You're dead right,
mate, and you made it.

Let's see how you go against
the lions in the arena.

Oh, no. Please, sir. I plead for
mercy. I plead for my life.

I plead for forgiveness.

You miserable little
pleader. Take him away.

No, no, wait. What
is your name, slave?

Pod, sir. Hengist Pod.

Arise, Centurion Pod.

Are you kidding?
That man's a menace.

Exactly. And with him beside me,

no one will dare make an
attempt on my life again.

You are impregnable, aren't you?

No, sir. It's just that
Senna didn't want any kids.

Listen to me, Hengist Pod,

I hereby appoint you commander
of the Praetorian Guard,

protector imperatori,
champion gladiator of Rome,

honorary member of the Senate and

custodian of the
imperial chambers.

What did all that mean?

That means that he has gone potty.

And that is how a simple Briton

who had never so much as
hurt a prehistoric fly,

became overnight the most
feared and admired man in Rome.

Every time he appeared in public

the crowds clamoured for his
autograph and souvenirs.

In his task of protecting the
imperial body of Caesar,

Hengist proved an
effective deterrent.

All those in favour... No.

I'm sorry, gentleman,
what was that vote again?

Yes.

Thank you, gentlemen, I thought
that was what you said.

Yes, being Caesar's bodyguard
was a full-time job.

Only when night came could
Hengist really relax.

Good night. Good luck.

- What did you say, Julius?
- Good night.

Good night.

At this time, Mark Antony
was arriving at Alexandria

at the head of another
Roman legion.

He carried with him express
orders from Caesar

to remove Cleopatra
from the throne

of Egypt and give it to Ptolemy.

Some hope. It was like asking your
wife to give up her mink coat,

because your girlfriend
is sitting in a draught.

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah. We want to see
Cleopatra. Who are you?

I am her chief
councillor Archimedes.

Get away. All right,
take us to her.

The Queen is at her toilet.

Oh. Well, we'll wait, then.

Then I will inform Her
Majesty of your arrival.

Thank you.

Right. Now, when we see her, no
messing about. She has got to go.

And if she won't go quietly...

Sir, I've no stomach
for this sort of

thing. I've never
made war on women.

Then it's high time you started,
mate. They're a dead menace.

Any time there's any
kind of trouble,

you can bet your bottom sesterce
there's a woman behind it.

I still don't like it.

You're too soft.
Just leave it to me.

I know how to handle this
ambitious battleaxe.

She's too big for her
boots, that's her trouble.

The Queen will see you
now. Follow me, gentlemen.

In here, gentlemen, please.

All right, I'll come straight
to the point. Miss, I... You...

Yes?

Is there something
I can do for you?

Go on. Tell her.

You know. She's getting
too big for her boots.

Boots? What boots?

- I don't see any boots.
- Caesar's orders.

She's got to go.

- Go?
- Yeah.

- Got to go.
- Oh, well. Goodbye.

Not me. Her.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Now look, I'm
very sorry, Miss.

But I've had my
orders. Madam, I...

Don't apologise, please.
I could forgive

such a handsome visitor anything.

What handsome visitor?

Oh, me.

I thought you said you
knew how to handle women.

Well, I do. It's all right.

Now look here, Miss,
I have come from

Rome at Caesar's express bidding

to get...

Just one moment. If you're
going to get cross with me,

I'll just get out of my bath

and slip into something a little

more comfortable,
if you don't mind.

You were saying?

But Cleo knew that
as Queen of Egypt,

she could offer
favours that a Roman

general would find hard to refuse.

And she knew too

that such favours as the powerful
Ptolemy might have to offer,

he could stick in his ear hole.

Cleo.

Mark, you're back.

And have I got good news for you.

What?

Ptolemy's head, it's
fallen. In the dust.

- But how?
- I cut it off.

Thank you. It's just
what I always wanted.

Now I'm the undisputed
queen of all Egypt.

Do you know, I feel I ought to
give you something in return.

Yes, but not in front
of all the handmaidens.

No, no, no.

There. Now, come
and sit beside me.

Do we have to have him
hanging around all the time?

Sosages? He's my bodyguard.
He never leaves my side.

Yes, I know, but I don't like
sausages, especially overcooked.

There's nothing to
fear, lover. He's

a mute. And he cannot talk either.

No, but he can watch, can't he?

Just to please you.

Sosages, you may leave us.

Now then, that's better.

You sure that's dead?

Do you know, lover,
I've been thinking...

Me, too.

I've been thinking about all the

things you and I
could do together...

- That makes two of us.
- If only you were Emperor.

Yeah, but I'm not. So
just do with me as I am.

No, no, no, but you could be.

Supposing Caesar were to die
suddenly. Couldn't you?

You've got Ptolemy's head.
What more do you want?

We have an old saying in Egypt.
"Two heads are better than one."

But you don't know what you're
asking. Caesar is my friend.

But it's such a little
thing to ask for.

That's just it, it's not a
little thing. He's a big head.

You've disappointed me. I thought
that you were a real man.

I am.

Then prove it.

That's what I've
been trying to do.

No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen

and I cannot consort with
anyone but an equal.

Supposing, just
supposing, I did what

you wanted and I became Emperor,

what would be my reward?

I'll show you.

Hurry back. I shall be
waiting... impatiently.

I'll be back. Don't you worry.

Give me strength.

Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer.

Which, as any schoolboy knows,

means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy."

So, as Mark Antony
hurried back from

Cleo to his friend Caesar in Rome,

it looked as if one
man's meat was going

to be another man's
dose of rat poison.

While Caesar, his popularity
and safety guaranteed

by the reputation of his bodyguard
Hengist, carries on as usual.

Yes. Very nice, dear.

Thank you very much.
Definitely me.

Where's my laurels?

Here they are, my lord.

Silly me. I've been
resting on 'em.

Will that be all, my lord?

You might just run an
iron over those for me.

I wish you'd get
rid of that woman.

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know very well I've
only got eyes for you.

That's all I ever
get nowadays, eyes.

Go along with you. Have
another bunch of grapes.

Excuse me, sir. Mark
Antony is here.

Oh, my friend.

- Let him come in.
- Yes, sir.

All right. You can go in now.

- Thank you.
- Just a minute.

I'd like your sword first.

Have you gone raving mad?
I'm Caesar's friend.

That's what they all say. Come
on. Hand over your sword.

- Go and get...
- Watch it.

Remember what happened to
Bilious and the others.

There.

That's better. Ok.
You can go in now.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

How did you manage
to dispatch five

of them, all by your idiot self?

It was quite simple, really.

I'm very sorry there wasn't more
of them, as a matter of fact.

I don't like things
to be too one-sided.

Get away. Show me how you did it.

Go on. Show me.

Like this. I started off with
a couple of quick parries,

like that you see,
followed by the riposte.

I gave him the cut
and thrust, followed

by the pas-dedeux,
and the old one two.

What have I done?

Forget it. Nobody will ever
notice the difference.

I'm sorry, Venus, Madam.

- Tony.
- Julie.

Oh, it is good to see you back.
How did everything go in Egypt?

What a fantastic country.

You ought to see the
pyramids. And the Sphinx.

Yes, that's because they
have no drains, of course.

- But how did everything go?
- Oh, fine. Fine.

Everything went according to plan?

Well, not quite.

What do you mean?

You told me to get
rid of Cleopatra

and put Ptolemy on the throne.

- Yes.
- I did it the other way round.

Anyone could make a
mistake, I suppose.

It wasn't a mistake.
I did it on purpose.

Cos quite frankly, I thought

she would make a much
better queen than he would.

She is the right sex, of course.

Not only that. She's
all for us Romans.

How do you know?

She told me that her
greatest ambition

is to have a liaison with you.

Hang on. Not in front of the wife.

Hello, dear. How are you?

Are you all right?
Have another melon.

Tell me more about this
Cleopatra. What's she like?

You have got to see her. Her
hair is as black as ebony,

her face is like an Ivor goddess,
and her neck is like a swan.

Oh, yes. Go on.

Her feet like sculptured marble.

Don't leave out all the best bits.

I cannot tell you
any more about this

woman. She is absolute perfection.

They call her the
"Siren of the Nile."

Oh. I hope she don't go off.

I mean, they do tend to
in these hot countries.

Don't worry. She's
got a deep frieze

running round the
walls of the palace.

Well, I would like to meet her.

But I don't see how I can
get away again so soon.

Say it's an official visit.

To do what?

Tell her they want you to
open a tomb or something.

Yes. It might work. I don't
know, though. Look at her.

Julie, Julie. I tell you, you have
never seen a beauty such as this.

And underneath, a raging passion,

like a tempestuous stream
waiting to burst its banks.

Oh, that's done it.
Order my galley,

and find out what
time the banks open.

Come on.

Go on. Move.

What was all that?

Just watching the galley
slaves come aboard.

Right, now then.

Before Caesar gets
here, let's make

quite sure we
understand each other.

Caesar has got to die
before we reach Egypt.

- I don't like it, Mark.
- You don't like it?

I'm not asking you to
do very much, am I?

I mean, it's not for
my good, is it?

- It's for the good of Rome.
- Are you sure?

Course I'm sure. And on top
of that, when I'm Emperor,

I'll see you four are all right.

Ah, very well, but I wish you
hadn't asked me to slay him.

- Why not?
- I'm his cousin.

I can't do it, can
I? I'm his friend.

♪ Fanfare ♪

Here comes his new champ,
Maximus Big Bonce.

- Hail.
- Hail.

Morning, General. Are you all
ready for Caesar to come aboard?

Oh, no. We're just
standing here to

give the seagulls a
bit of practise.

Oh, yes? Well, er...
Where's the Captain?

- Watch it.
- I'm Agrippa.

And I know one or
two holds myself.

So you wanna watch it, mate.

He's the Captain. His
name is Agrippa.

Why couldn't he say so?

Now, listen to me, all you men.

Listen to...

Listen to me, all you
men, I'm responsible

for Caesar's safety on this ship.

So if any of you are
thinking of starting

anything, you've got
to answer to me.

Oh.

I suppose you think that's funny.

Right.

I will now check Caesar's
quarters. Where are they?

- Over here.
- Thank you.

Argh.

He'll have to go, too.

♪ Fanfare ♪

Hail, Caesar.

Hail.

Now, Julius, do remember
what I told you.

Always wear your wool
vest, see the beds

are aired, and don't
drink the water.

Yes, yes, yes. All right, dear.

Don't have anything to
do with eastern women.

I've heard funny
stories about them.

It's a purely business tr...

Really? What sort of stories?

Well, there was this
eastern... never mind that.

Why you're taking
her, I can't imagine.

I've told you, dear. I'm taking
her to give to Cleopatra.

I don't like turning
up without something.

Why couldn't you have taken me?

She wouldn't want you. Now,
run along, we've got to go.

Well, I'm glad Daddy is going.
He can keep an eye on things.

He's doing that already,
the dirty old...

- Seneca. Say your farewell.
- Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear.

Not to her. She's going with us.

Yes, I know, but this is more fun

than saying goodbye
to my daughter.

Come on. We've got
to get under way.

- Goodbye, Daddy.
- Goodbye, daughter.

Goodbye, Julius.

Goodbye. Good riddance.

And so, their proud ship
set sail for Egypt.

Little did they know that
down in the engine room,

a desperate man was preparing to
bung a spanner in the machinery.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Put your back into it, scum.

- Will you have some, my lord?
- I don't know, dear. What is it?

Delicious, my lord. It's peacocks'

tongues and alligators'
brains in aspic.

No, thank you, dear. I
don't think I'll bother.

Oh. Will you have some, my lord?

Well, I wouldn't mind a
little nibble, I must say.

That'll be quite enough
of that sort of thing.

I only wanted to see
what was for afters.

Did I ever tell you
about the feast

Cleopatra threw for
me on her barge?

Please don't mention throwing.

You are not well, my lord?

Just a little sic transit, Gloria.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

All right. Take it easy.

Rest.

I can see the coast about
a quarter of a mile away.

- That must be Africa.
- Right.

What about a little swim?

Look out, he's coming.

Right, you scum.

Get ready for some rowing.

You've done him in.

I must've pulled the chain
too hard. Oh, well.

Right, lads. Here we go. Go
off as quietly as possible.

Slip over the side
and swim for it.

There, Julie. Have a bit of fruit.

I might just manage
a bit of melon.

Would you like some
fruit, Hengist?

What's this?

They call that a banana.
Comes from Africa.

Funny sort of taste, innit?

You're supposed to
take the inside out.

Oh. I see.

Oh, yes. Much better.

I meant to tell you. I had a
smashing vision last night.

Not another one.

Yes. Stop me if you've
heard it before.

We were all sitting
here having a meal.

You went out onto
the deck, and there

were Agrippa and all
the other officers

with their dirty great swords
hanging out. Most enjoyable.

Why, what happened?

They sliced your head in two.

Oh. Oh.

Defend yourself, Caesar.

It's true.

What's true?

Agrippa and the others,
with their swords out.

Oh, good. I've never had a
vision come true before.

What's going to
happen to me? What?

I told you. Your head will
be sliced completely in two.

Oh, shut up.

Caesar. Hear me.

What I am doing is for Rome.

Since you are a soldier like me,

I will give you the chance
to face us, sword in hand,

and die with dignity.

Did you hear them? They want me to

go out and face them,
sword in hand,

and die with dignity.

Help me.

You can borrow this if you like.

But I don't want to face
them and die with dignity.

Then stick it up your toga
and go out backwards.

Tony. You'll not let them slay me.
You'll take them on, won't you?

I'd like to, Julie, but I can
never fight on a full stomach.

Oh, woe is me.

Is there to be no succour?

Yeah. There's always Hengist.

Hengist. Of course. My champion.

Where is he?

Yes?

You will go out and face them.
There are only four of them.

You needn't worry. You can
dispatch them quite easily.

Me?

Yes. After all, that is your job.

You're chief dispatching clerk.

But they don't want me.
They asked for you.

- He's quite right, you know.
- Mind your own business.

Pardon me, but it is my business.
After all, it was my vision.

It's no good depending on that
twit. He's quivering with fright.

I've just thought of something.

Why don't we all keep quiet
and perhaps they'll go away.

No.

All right.

I'll just take a few...
practise swings.

En garde.

Ha. Look at that. They'll
make mincemeat of him.

We who are about to
die, salute you.

Oh, don't be so formal.

Come on.

One, two, three, four.

What happened?

Ah. You would, would
you? Right. Take that.

Behind me?

You Roman rotter. Take that.

Right, that's three of 'em.

All right.

You can come out now.

Hey. He's done it.

Oh...

Sorry to have kept
you waiting so long,

but I couldn't find
my usual form today.

My champion.

Oh, isn't he marvellous?

I must do you some honour.

It's all in the
course of duty, sir.

No. In recognition of your
great services to me,

Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you

with the Imperial
Order of the Bath.

Don't lose that. It's the plug.

Thank you, sir. But all I
really want is my freedom.

Well, we'll talk about that later
when we get to Alexandria perhaps.

If we ever get to Alexandria.

If we... What do you mean?

Well, haven't you noticed?
There's nobody rowing.

In. Out.

- In...
- Oh, isn't it sickening?

The Emperor of the mighty Roman
Empire paddling his own canoe.

Having arrived safely
at Alexandria,

Mark Antony hurried
ahead to the palace

for his early morning cup of tea.

He was too late. Cleopatra
had hogged all the milk.

What a woman she was,

immortalised in Macaulay's famous
poem The Lay Of Ancient Rome.

No wonder Antony
couldn't mark time.

- Cleo.
- Mark.

Oh, blimey. I wish you'd get
out of that bath now and then.

Ah, you're cross. Don't you
love your little Cleo?

As much as any man
can love a woman

who spends half her time up
to her neck in asses' milk.

I only bathe four times a day.

They must milk those
asses to a standstill.

Something's worrying
my little Markie.

- I'll say there is.
- But what's wrong?

I'll tell you. Caesar still lives.

- Still lives?
- Yeah. Still lives.

You mean he's not dead?

You catch on quick.

But I don't understand.

You said you were going to get rid
of him and be Emperor yourself.

I know I did, but the
plot went wrong.

You can't get a
coconut every time.

Oh. What a shame. I was so looking
forward to cementing our alliance.

There'll be plenty
of time to think

about that sort of thing later.

Right now, we've got
to think what to do

about Caesar. He'll
be here any minute.

A fine way for an Emperor
to arrive, I must say.

Slogging through
half a mile of sand.

Yes?

Good morning. My name
is Julius Caesar.

I represent the Roman Empire.

No, thanks. Not today.

Well, really.

Who does he think he is? Cheek.

Think. Think.

There must be some way
we can get rid of him.

- I have a poisonous asp.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for
anyone. That's shocking.

No, no, no, no. It is
supposed to bite you.

Yes?

Julius Caesar and his party
have arrived, Your Majesty.

He assures you of
his good will, and

sends this slave girl as a token.

Take them to my guest apartments,
Archimedes, and ask them to wait.

Oh, and send the girl
to my bedchamber.

Well, what do we do now, then?

- Bedchamber. That's it.
- What's it?

Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages,
whatever your name is.

Go to Caesar, tell him that
your queen will meet him

in her private
apartments first crow

of the cock tonight, understand?

What is going on?

I can't do a thing until
I get him away from

that bodyguard and that's
where you come in.

Where have I been to?

You haven't been
anywhere. You're there.

Try using your nut
for a change. All

you've got to do is
get Caesar alone.

Oh, that's what he's
come for, money.

Alone. On his tod. By himself.

Oh. You should have said.

Just get him into
your bedchamber. I'll

be waiting there, and
then we'll do it.

Do what?

Oh, blimey. There must be an
easier way to make a killing.

That'll be Cleopatra.

- Shall I let her in?
- Just a minute.

Give me a chance
to... look all sexy.

Come in.

- Is that her?
- Of course not.

What is it, my good man? You
have some message for me?

Well, speak up. Have
you lost your tongue?

Oh, well, never mind. You could
lose worse things than that.

I know a bit about sign
language. Let me tell him.

Now, look here, my good man,
that is Caesar. You know?

And he wants an alliance...

with Cleopatra.

Never mind all the maps.

When do we meet her? When?

He's going to lay an egg.

No, no, no. He means at cockcrow.

What cock? The morning
one or the evening one?

Evening cock.

Thanks, cock. I'll be ready.

Oh, and by the way,

tell her I'll be bringing
my bodyguard with me.

There will be two of us.

You understand? Two.

What's happening? Put
me down. Hengist.

That's enough of
that. Drop it. Drop.

That's better. You want
to watch it, mate.

I suppose it's his way of
saying, "get knotted".

- Now, tell me again.
- Just listen this time.

Now, listen. You lure Caesar
into your bedchamber, right?

Yes.

I'm hidden there
beforehand, right?

Yes.

Then I run him through.
You got it now?

- No.
- Oh, strewth.

Suppose he doesn't
want to be lured?

He will if you get him
in the right mood.

I know. I'll give
him a love philtre.

- A what?
- A love philtre.

Oh, is that what you do out here?

You filter it? Oh, no,
no, no. This stuff.

You put a bit of it in their wine,

and then they get all sort
of... well, you know.

Oh, yes. I come across some
of this in Spain once.

How long before your next bath?

Oh, not till this evening.

Cheers.

I usually have the blow wave.

Yes, well, I'm no
good at that, sir.

But I know where I
am with an iron.

Be careful you don't singe me.

There's nothing more
off-putting in affairs

of these sorts than
the smell of burning.

"I can smell something burning."

"Darling, go down and
see what it is."

- Spoils everything.
- Yes, sir.

What is it?

Beware... the ides of March.

Oh, dear, he's back.
Where have you been?

The time has come.

I've seen the writing on the wall.

Oh, so that's where you've been.

Look what I've found
in the market place.

Good gracious. What is it?

He can see into the future.

Go on, then. You wait until you
hear what he's got to say.

Sooth. Sooth.

You see? He's a soothsayer.

Sooth. Sooth.

- Now tell them what you told me.
- There is death this night.

I have seen it in the fire.

What fire?

Gather round and have a butcher's.

I will see whether the goddess
will grant us a further vision.

O, Isis, sweet Isis...
They're lovely.

I'm very sorry, sir. It's
an old British saying.

Sweet Isis.

Grant us a vision, we beseech you.

There.

Look. A picture is forming.

A vision.

Cor. Cor. Now, that's
what I call a vision.

- Who is she?
- Queen Cleopatra.

She is preparing herself for
a most important meeting.

That will be the one with me.

Now it is time for
her to get dressed.

She needn't bother.

Oh, she's about to
step out of her bath.

It's gone. What's happened?

It always happens in the
most interesting parts.

Well, don't just stand there, do
something. Get it back again.

Sure. I'll have a go.

Oh, look there. Look.

Something's starting.
Something's forming.

Where?

It is later. I see Queen
Cleopatra's apartment.

It's all bare.

That's more like it.

It is prepared for
feasting and merrymaking.

And now, two men are entering.

Look.

- It's me.
- And me.

Just look at me.

The poor girl doesn't
stand a chance.

There is a fanfare of trumpets.

♪ Fanfare ♪

And Queen Cleopatra is brought in.

Wait a minute. What's all
this? Where's Cleopatra?

Oh, in the carpet? All right.

Beat it.

Hengist, give me
your sword, please.

Thank you.

Now, stand by that door and see
that we are not disturbed.

A magnificent entrance, my dear.

And worthy of a great queen.

Oh, it's just practise.

- So you are the great Caesar?
- Aha. You recognised me.

I have seen your bust.

I wish I could say the same.

- Dost thou like what thou seest?
- I certainly doth.

Tony was right. You are
lovely. I am enamoured.

I shall divorce Calpurnia
and marry you.

I shall be a great Emperor.
You will be a great queen.

Together we shall rule the
world. Any questions?

Just one. Aren't we going
to cement our alliance?

Of course. I've brought
along a clean trowel.

Oh, no, no, no. Not here.

Come to my room alone
in one moment.

You're not going in
there alone, sir?

Yes, it's perfectly all right.
Nothing is gonna happen.

- What are you going in for?
- Oh, peasant.

Come, Caesar. Sit beside me.

It's gone again. What's the
matter with the wretched thing?

The fire's dying.

Absolutely sickening. We're
missing all the best bits.

Wait. Look there. Look, it's
started again. I see something.

What's happened?
Where have we gone?

Is this a dagger that
I see before me?

It is... Argh.

Caesar hadn't had such
a pain in the stomach

since the day the imperial
cook put a mustard plaster

on his lobster thermidor.

But all was not yet lost.

Horsa and the other galley slaves
had escaped from the galley,

and swum safely to
shore, after beating

off repeated attacks
of cramp and crabs,

and made their way over the
desert towards the great city,

guided by the smell of the drains.

- I thought so. Nile water.
- Hey, look over there.

Cleopatra's palace.

Yes. And a galley waiting for us?

We'll rest here till
it gets dark, men,

then we'll swim across,
find some food,

and it's back home to
Britain. Ha ha ha.

Where am I?

He's coming to. Hurry
up with that water.

I'm trying to find
a clean pitcher.

Forget it.

Try and remember you're in Egypt.

They only have dirty
pitchers here.

What's that?

"King Tutankhamen's ashes."

Oh.

The ashes. Now I remember.

The pictures in the fire.

Aha. Tonight's the night?

What's the matter? Don't
you want to meet her?

Tony, I am undone.
My end is in sight.

You'd better do yourself up again
quick. What's the matter with him?

We've seen visions.
Oh, they were lovely.

Visions? What visions?

Me lying on the floor of the

bedchamber with a
dagger in my vitals.

Yes, that one was
quite good, but I

preferred the one
of her in her bath.

Don't pay too much
attention to visions.

They get distorted and
out of proportion.

You're quite right. She was
a bit much here and there.

I wish you wouldn't keep
talking about her in the bath.

This is serious. I'm about
to be treacherously slain.

Julie, Julie. Why should
she wanna slay you?

I just spent the
afternoon with her,

and all she did was
talk about the kick

she's gonna from of
meeting you at last.

I daresay, but I think
we should forget

the whole thing and
go home, don't you?

What? And have all Rome know that
Caesar ran from a mere woman?

That would finish you.

You're right. You promised
them an alliance.

You're the only bloke
who can get it.

Just relax and enjoy your work.

Will you go with me
when I meet her,

Tony? You're my friend. You are.

Julie, of course I'm your friend.

But I can't come
with you right now.

There's a young lady I met here
last time. Daughter of a sheikh.

Arab? I believe they
are intense lovers.

Well, naturally, they
do everything in tents.

Tents.

I don't like it. I
don't like it at all.

No. You're quite right.
Tents are too draughty.

I wish you'd stick to the point.

If only that vision hadn't
broken down halfway.

I want to know what
happened between me

kissing her and me
lying on the floor.

Wait a minute. Cleopatra doesn't
know what you look like, does she?

No. We've never met. Why?

Supposing someone
pretended to be you.

Someone who's strong and
handsome and vital.

What a good idea.

I've found something.

Here we are. This is a very
strong liquor called arak,

makes you feel a different person.

Good. Then you'd better drink it.

The stage was set.
The plot was murder.

And with the dying sun, came the
sound of the evening cockcrow.

He's late.

Thank you.

Remember, Mark Antony
was Caesar's friend.

So, out of the
kindness of his heart,

he was determined not to
tickle him with a jagged edge.

Right. Here goes.

There's hospitality for you.

Tell the others to come on up.

- You.
- Horsa.

Gloria.

Oh, am I dreaming?
Is it really you?

I never thought... I never
thought I'd see you again.

I searched for you
all over Britain.

I can hardly believe
that you... Argh.

It's all right. They're friends
of mine. Help yourselves.

Come on.

There's no time to explain now.

We have a galley below here.

Climb down to it and wait for us.
All right, love? Off you go.

Seth, guard the door.

Right, lads, let's get as much of

this stuff as we can
into the galley.

Quick. Someone's coming.

There's no time to
get back. Follow me.

What the...?

In here, gentlemen, please.

Her Majesty will be with
you in just one moment.

- Thank you.
- Oh, no. Not you. Out.

Oh, can't I stay and watch?

No, you can't, you dirty old sage.

Go on. Out.

Now, for heaven's sake, relax.

Stop playing with your thing.

I can't relax. I'm not used
to this sort of thing.

- What sort of thing?
- Oh, you know.

Making passionate
love and all that.

What? But you've been
married for ten years.

That's what I mean.
I'm not used to it.

Oh, for Jupiter's sake, it's
not as difficult as that.

You saw the visions.
You saw how I did it.

And I saw what
happened to you, too.

You needn't worry. That won't

happen to you. You
are impregnable.

Oh, please. I've explained
about that once.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Making sure she hasn't got a
dagger hidden in the bed.

Come on. Help me.

There's something under the bed.

It's all right. It
won't be in that.

Come on.

There's no dagger there,
so stop worrying.

Hey. That wasn't there before.

- What?
- That.

Oh, it must have been.
Don't be so nervy.

What you need is a
good stiff drink.

No, thank you. I don't want one.

Yes, I do.

Blimey. She must be
selling tickets.

♪ Fanfare ♪

That'll be her.

No. That wasn't a cockcrow,
that was a fanfare.

It's a fan-tailed cock by
now. Pull yourself together.

Well, don't just stand
there. Open it.

Go on. Open it.

Oh, go on. Unroll it.

Madam. Mate.

I'm terribly sorry.

There we are, my dear. Oh,
that's not part of you, is it?

No.

The mighty Caesar does not
know his own mighty strength.

So you are the great Caesar?

That's right. No, no, I'm
his body belt. Bodyguard.

He is Caesar.

Oh. You do not look
like your bust.

No, he's not. He's
just a bit cracked.

Dost thou like what
thou seest, Caesar?

Well, go on. Tell her.

You know. The speech.

"Tony was right. You are lovely."

Tony was right. I'm lovely.

"I am an Emperor. You
will be a great queen."

You are an Emperor.
I'm a great queen.

Oh.

No, no, great queen.

What Caesar is trying to say, and

making a right
imperial mess of it,

is that he's completely
captivated by your beauty

and wishes to form an alliance.

Oh, yes. Yes. And all that stuff.

Well, I do not make alliances
in public, Caesar.

Well, that's that, then.
I'd better be going.

Wait a minute. Come back.

No, you don't understand.
He's a bit shy.

Oh, is that all?
I've got something

that will overcome that.

What's that?

It er... shall we say... makes one
feel a little more... friendly.

Drink this, and come to
my room in one minute.

Alone.

Go on. Drink it, then.

Are you there?

Of course I'm here. How much
longer are you gonna be?

- Has it worked?
- Yeah.

Give me a kiss.

No, no, no. Not me.
It's her. It's her.

That would be a bit better.
Get out of my way.

Wait a minute. Don't overdo
it. You've got to...

Don't tell me what to do...

pheasant.

Ah, you feel better, Caesar?

Cor.

I say.

I must have a drink
of that stuff myself.

Whew. You are better.

Excuse me. I feel a bit faint.

That's better.

Now, come and sit beside me, and
we'll work out our alliance.

You.

You've messed things
up once too often.

Look out, Hengist.

Horsa. Where have you been?

There's no time for that
now. To the galley, lads.

Right. Let's get out of here.

Sosages. Help.

Sosages.

Wait. What about poor old Caesar?

- Leave him.
- I can't. I'm his bodyguard.

Did you see? That
was Tony in there

waiting for me with a dagger.

- Never mind that.
- But he was my friend.

Come on.

Right, give me your sword.

No, no, no. Let Hengist.
He's best at it.

What? You've got this all
wrong. It wasn't me.

I did it.

I actually did it.

Well done. Come on.

Oh, wait for me. Wait for me.

Wait for me.

Argh.

Who's this?

Just call me... urn.

So it was that Caesar's life had
been saved for the third time.

He was able to sail home
to Europe from Africa

without having been stabbed,
poisoned, choked or married.

On the other hand, he now faced
the somewhat tricky task

of selling the senate on the
idea of the wind of change.

Well, gentlemen,
here we are again.

How are you? Are you all right?

Death to Caesar.

Oh. Hello, hello.

Do I detect a feeling
of animosity here?

Stabbed... six times.

Am I to end thus?

Perforated... Oh. Et tu brute.

So dies Caesar.

Let me just say these
last words to you.

Friends... Romans...

- Countrymen.
- I know.

Oh, what's the use?

Hengist and Horsa
returned to Britain.

Where Gloria shyly allowed Horsa
to lead her to the altar.

Hengist too had
been far from idle.

Travel had opened up for him a
new life that was rich and full.

Wouldn't you like to come
inside for a bit, darling?

I might.

And as for Mark and Cleo, life was
just one long Saturday night.

Oh, there you are. I've been
looking for you everywhere.