Carry on Behind (1975) - full transcript

Professors Vooshka and Crump decide to visit an archaeological site to study the artifacts there. Lo and behold, it's right next to a caravan site where all manner of people are staying. With a randy Major owning the site, a snobbish mother, and the two professors' constant innuendos, the film ends with a sinking caravan site and a striptease performance as a replacement for the cabaret night. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Getting To The Bottom Of
Things at 8pm tonight.

A film show and lecture
on archaeological

digging by Professor Roland Crump.

The distinguished archaeologist.

And so the bone structure tells
us something about the shape

of these prehistoric animals.

So much, then, for the bone

of the greater woolly mammoth.

Dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear.

So sorry. Now... now, erm...

By studying the dwelling
places of primitive man,

we are able to form a picture

of how he lived.

How he lived. Yes.

And we know from
the crude drawings

on the walls of his cave

that he frequently
exposed himself...

er, exposed himself to
all manner of dangers

in his search for
food and the other...

The other significant
feature of his existence

was the presence of iced
glaciers in the vicinity,

which undoubtedly
caused the piles...

the piles of debris

to move down

and cover up his dwelling place...

one of which we will
now show you on film.

Are you ready?


Here we show you the excavation

of a typical Stone-Age dwelling.

The lady uncovering the site

is Miss Amelia Fossdyke, who
learnt her skilful techniques

under Professor
Schwindhofer of Utrecht.

Notice the typical upland scenery.

Neolithic man always preferred
those areas. As the lower regions

were often foresty and
inclined to be swampy.

The two large mounds
in the foreground

are of especial interest.

It was these which first drew
our attention to the site.

And now we see the site
partially uncovered.

Notice the small
indentation in the middle.

The small indentation was probably
caused by a sharpened pole.

Which was rammed in
to hold up the roof.

The normal method of beginning
a Stone-Age erection.

And now we see Miss Fossdyke

about to uncover something
of enormous interest.


Here. That's not Miss Fossdyke.

They've sent the wrong
film. Turn it off.

Turn it off.

Turn it off immediately,
I said. Here.

I will not have this shown

in a lecture that
I'm in charge of.

Turn it off. Do you
understand? I will

not have this in my lecture hall.

Turn it off immediately. I
won't have this kind of thing.

Oh, look.

No, I forbid it. Turn
it off immediately.

I will not have it shown... Thank
goodness. This is monstrous.

They sent the wrong
film. I do apologise,

but what can I do?

Show it again. Show it again.

Morning, sir. I did enjoy
your lecture last night.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.

I thought it was smashing.

Morning, Crump.

I beg your... Oh,
good morning, Dean.

- Have you got a moment?
- Is it about the lecture?

That's not what I
wanted to talk to

you about. You're
off to Templeton?

That's right. One of
the most important

finds in the West,
according to reports.

Is that so?

Yes. It's a field next
to a caravan site.

Apparently, they were
digging a new cesspool

and found what appears to
be a Roman encampment.

What I want to talk to you
about is your assistant.

I don't want an assistant.
Never had one before.

What do I want an assistant for?

In the interests of
cultural relations...

My relations weren't
cultured. My grandmother...

In the interests of
cultural relations, you'll

have to take with you
Professor Vooshka.

Good mornings. So sorry.

Well, that's all right.
Don't mention it.

Crump, meet Professor
Anna Vooshka.

How are you doings?

Professor Vooshka is the person
I was telling you about.

What about my caravan?

Never mind. You can hire another
one when you get down there.

Professor Vooshka

is an expert on Roman remains.

Yes, I have been examining
Hadrian's Walls.

- He only had one.
- One what?

Wall. Hadrian's Wall.
He had one wall.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry but my
English not yet perfected.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm glad you two are
hitting it off.

What does "hitting it off" mean?

Means like "having it off," no?

No, it means establishing
a friendly relationship.

Oh. That's nice. Yes.

Look after everything,
will you, Crump?

Of course.

I'll send you a party of students
to help with the dig. Good luck.

Thank you, Dean.

And no worry. Professor Crump and
I will soon be having it off.

Hitting it off.

40p. I'll save you a
bit of the other.

Hello, Else.

Hello, love. Give us a bit
of that for my old man.

Give that to your husband and
you're in for a night of romance.

Ooh. Can I do it in the oven?

Do it where you like.
It's your kitchen.


90p and the next
lovely lady, please.

Thank you.

- Where are you going?
- On one of those health farms.

Oh. What about Fred?

He's taking the caravan.
He's off fishing.

On his own?

No, with Ernie Bragg.

Oh, Bragg up the electrical shop.

Yes, that's right.

What about Ernie's wife?

She's coming with me.

Talking of Ernie, when is he
coming about that fridge?

What do you mean? He came when
you nipped out for a pint.

He's in there.

Oh, no. I've shut the door on him.


Are you all right?

Oh, my God.

It's only a sleeve.

I got the fridge working.

Aye. You have, haven't you?

I knew it was working

when I felt it falling off.

- Felt what falling off?
- My di-di-di...

my temperature.

Come on. Darling. You know
you can if you want to.

Come on. Darling. Show
me what you can do.

Come on... Out with it.

What a beauty.

Hello, darling.

How do you do? Oh, what a beauty.

He's a mynah.

I thought it was the milkman.

Mummy got hold of him last week.

- Who? The milkman?
- The mynah bird.

- What's it doing here, then?
- Well, he's coming with us.

Hang on a minute.

Your mother's not coming on
holiday with us, is she?

What could I say? She asked.

But where is she going to sleep?

We could rent one of
those extension-tent

things that go on the side.

Oh, I think he wants to
come inside the caravan.

If he's coming with us, he's got
to get used to staying outside.

But supposing it rains?

We'll buy him an umbrella.

Oh, we should have
bought a bigger caravan.

Should've bought a smaller dog.
We'll leave him in the kennels.

You know very well he couldn't
bear to be parted from us.

He might like it in the
kennels. He might get

in with a nice crowd
of dogs and love it.

If he doesn't come, I don't go.

I'm not leaving him.

Now, you behave yourself,
do you hear me?

Yes, dear.

Because if you get up to
anything, I'll find out.

Yes, dear.

Don't worry, love. I
will keep an eye on him.

And who's going to
keep an eye on you?

- Bye-bye.
- Bye, love.


We must be mad, letting
them two go off together.

They're only going fishing.

Depends what they're
trying to catch.

I shouldn't worry,
dear. They haven't

got much in the way of bait.

Ta-ra, lovely. Ta-ra.

You remember, you take
care of your rods.


- Hello, Mummy.
- Hello, darling.

Mummy's here.

You're not bringing
those, are you?

I can't leave them at
home. They'll die.


Did you say something?

I said, "Good, we've
finished packing."

Put that on the table, will you?

Ow. Bloody hell.

Arthur, there is no need for that.

Oh, bother me. Bless my soul.

I do believe I nearly
said a rude word, cos

I've got a cactus
spike right up my...


Er, who do we see?

Look. Look at that.


Heh, heh. Makes you wish you
were single, doesn't it?

As far as this holiday
is concerned, Ernie,

we is single, and
don't you forget it.

- Good day.
- How do you do, sir?

- How's the weather been?
- Oh, excellent.

- Oh, nice vans, these.
- Not bad.

- How long?
- About 14 feet.

No, no, no. I mean, how
long are you staying?

- Depends.
- On what?

- Whether we get any.
- How long will you be staying?

Well, like he says, it depends.

- On what?
- How long we can stick it.

Yes, well, you can stick it up...

over there, by the hedge.

♪ We're shifting Grandad's
grave to build a sewer ♪

♪ We're moving it
regardless of expense ♪

♪ We're shifting his remains ♪

♪ To lay the council drains ♪

♪ Protected by the
local residents ♪

♪ Cor, blimey ♪

How disgusting. Who are they?



That's what it said on
the side of the van.

Well, they all sound drunk to me.

So they're drunken archaeologists.

- Ow.
- Arthur.

I won't have swearing.


Come on, Ern. Let's
see what's about.

I'm just checking my tackle.

Catch it. Oh.

No need to check mine.

Hello, girls.

That's what I need-a bit
of exercise, heh, heh.

Used to be a left back
for Merthyr, you know.

Don't worry, love. I'll get it.


What do you think you're
doing? That belongs to me.

- What are you yelling about?
- My ball's burning.

Don't stand so close to the fire.

Do you mean the students
got here before us?

Yes. Were you held up?

Yes. Before we're starting, we're
having quick bang together.

- Oh, really?
- She ran into my caravan.

What, for a quick erm...?

No, no, it was a
collision. She collided

with it. Now it's a
complete write-off.

- That's nasty.
- So we are needing accommodation.

I managed to get the
students fixed up

all right. Bit of a
squeeze, mind you.

That won't hurt them.
What about us?

That is the problem. Those were
the only two vans I had for rent.

It's ok, it's ok. We
squeezing in somehow.

We shall do nothing of the
sort. Not with that lot.

Oh, is not worrying me.

When I am on expedition
to Gobi desert,

I am sharing tent with five men,

two goats and one camel.

Five men, two goats and a camel?

- Da.
- But weren't you er...?

Oh, yes, I was,

but since this time I'm
always coming prepared.

- Oh? What have you got?
- I'll show you.

Stink remover.

- Hello, darling.
- Hold your noise.

Get stuffed.

What did you say?

Show us your knickers.

Mummy has got a surprise
coming with you.

- Who's a cheeky boy, then?
- You are.

Get stuffed.


Ollie. Look what Mummy's
brought. A pressie.

Yes. Isn't that lovely, darling?

- I do hope he's not annoying you.
- No, he's all right.

That's the lot. Now hop it.

Oh, Barnes, this couple
want somewhere to er...

sleep and they'd like
to rent your caravan.

Da. We have look.

Oh, you need look no further,
madam. This way, please.

Do you mind er, wiping your feet?

Here we are.

All ready to move into.

Just wants a bit of a
sweep. I've got...

All the brooms and
things are in the

cupboard here and you'll find...

Who was living here?

I was.

How much rent you asking?

Well, I'm only a
simple man, you see.

I don't understand
figures. 30 quid a week.

£30? You must be insane.

All right, then. All right.
£25, take it or leave it.

- We'll leave it.
- We're taking.

15 quids a week.


Now, look here. The only reason we
want this dilapidated mobile hovel

is for somewhere to
do our operations.


What kind of operations?

Somewhere to examine
our artefacts.

He will be getting them out

and I shall be examining them
and sticking labels on them.

You... you do what you
like. Still £20 a week.

15 is last offer, da?

- 15 for my lovely home?
- Da.

Right. I'm not
leaving the bedding.

Which end you sleeping?

You can't be serious.
I mean, look at it.

I soon am scrubbing out.

No, it's not just that.
We can't share a caravan.

Oh, you're thinking of
getting crampet, no?

Certainly not. Where on earth
did you learn that expression?

Crampet. Crampet is... squashet.

It's in the dictionary. Crampet
is... squashet together.

Oh. I see. You mean cramped.

Is what I say. Crampet.

Crampet. Crumped. Crumpet.

Well, you can be cramped
here on your own.

If you don't mind, I'm going to
the pub. I'll find a room there.

Maybe you're getting
crampet in pub also.

It says "Caravans only".

Don't worry. I'll
soon chat him up.

- How do you do, ladies?
- I wonder, could you help us?

- What seems to be the trouble?
- Could we camp here tonight?

I'm very sorry, girls,
it's caravans only.

Oh, but you see, my
friend's hurt her leg.

Has she? Whereabouts?

Well, it's all over.

I think I must have
pulled a muscle.

Oh. Perhaps it needs massaging.

Oh, I'm sure it does, only...
not while I'm on my bike.

Well, perhaps we could
find... a quiet

little spot around here somewhere.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- What, to massage it?

No. No, no, no. To
put your tent up.

Oh, thanks ever so much.

Not at all. If I can be
any help at all, I shall

be only too pleased
to put it up for you.

I'm sure we can manage.

- Bye.
- Bye.


I've got a Wickham's fancy,

a black gnat,

a March brown

and a ginger quill.

Phwoar. It's warm, isn't it?




I could do some good
with these two.

I could do some
good with them two.

Cor... Look at that.

Yes, they are
beautiful, aren't they?

We could be all right there.

Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose we could.

Don't you fancy 'em?

Well, it's not that, but...

I can't, Fred.

What do you mean, you can't?

Well, I've got a disability.

What sort of disability?

I'd rather not tell you.

Oh, Ernest...

You can tell Frederick.

I talk in my sleep.

Is that all? How is this
going to stop you having...

Talk in your sleep?
Your missus, you mean?

That's what she meant when
she said she'd find out.

Well, that's lovely, that is.

You could've told me
before. You're going

to ruin my bloody
holiday, you are.

Well, it needn't stop you.

Of course it will. Everything
I do, you tell your missus.

She'll nip round, tell my missus.

Well, we could still go fishing.

I did not come here to go fishing.

I came here to go f...

finding other things to do.

Would you like to
borrow my ginger quill?


this stove's not working properly.

Well, we dropped it, didn't
we? Let's have a look.

If you fancy them
that much, why don't

you go outside and chat 'em up?

What, with you around?

I might not talk in my sleep.

Sorry to bother you...

Oh. Ouch.


We can't seem to get
our stove working.

I wondered whether

- you could look at it for us.
- Yes.

There's nothing missing.

No, I can see that.

Only we're dying for it.

- Pardon?
- A cup of tea.

Oh. Oh, yes, so are we.

Would you like to join us?

Oh. We'd love to. Thanks.


Would you like to sit down?

- Thanks.
- My pleasure.

- Hello.
- Hello.

What do we need?

I will... clear the... table.

Here, watch my flies.

- I beg your pardon.
- Oh.

Here, wait. Maybe you're needing.


Here, careful. You
could do me an injury.

Yes, easily.

So you are not finding
room in pub, huh?

I rang all round, but
they're full up.

Mm. So you are sleeping
in caravan, no?

I suppose we could divide
it up, or something.

Ok, if you're wishing.

But you are going to help
me clean up caravan, no?

Oh, no, I've got to go and
examine the excavations.

Thank you.


Oh, Mummy... Go in, please.


There are some people with an
enormous dog parked outside.

I know.

Really, how inconsiderate.
They're right on top of us.

You can't expect a
field to yourself.

All right, Mummy. Don't fuss.
Arthur can move the awning.

I am not moving the awning.

Arthur, don't be awkward.

I am not being awkward.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
don't argue over me.

- It's all very well for you to...
- I cannot stand squabbling.

Ooh, my God. Now I've got
one of my headaches.

I'll find you an aspirin.

- Get stuffed.
- What did you say to me?

Nothing. It was him.

How dare you speak
to Mummy like that.

It was him, I tell you.

Go on. Say it again.

How do you do?

He won't say it now.

For the very good reason he
didn't say it in the first place.

He may be your husband,
Linda, but Arthur

never has been and never
will be a gentleman.

I think it might be better
if you slept out here.

Don't worry. I wouldn't come
in there if you paid me.

He's just like your
father. He's coarse.

I can't stand coarse men.
That's the reason I left him.

I'm not leaving Arthur.

You just wait.

He'll soon stop shaving and
start looking like a tramp.

Oh, Mummy, please.

It's bird nesting.

Where exactly were these
Roman remains found?

- In the new cesspit.
- Oh.

Hey. That's the old cesspit.


Aargh. I'm in the pit.

Here. Don't pollute it.

Ah. Scrubber.

Scrubber no working.

Borrowing from comrades.

- Excuse, please.
- Yes?

Ah. Is nice?

Is very nice, no?

In this caravan you're
not getting crampet, no?

- Pardon?
- Crampet.

Yes, that's what I
thought you said.

You see,

- I am keeping, how you say?
- Dirty caravan.

Keeping a what?

You see, I am having birds in my
caravan. You want to come see?

No, thank you. Not just now.

Therefore, I'm going around
camp looking for scrubbers.

- Really?
- Mm.

Well, I suppose we ought to
start getting our dinner.

Oh, why don't you
have dinner with us?

Oh, we couldn't.

Why not? We've got
plenty, haven't we?

Oh, yes. We've got
er... roast chicken,

roast potatoes, sausages,

Brussels sprouts

- and...
- Stuffing.

Unless, of course,
you don't fancy it.

Oh, no, we quite like it.

Providing it's well done.

Here. Shall we do it for them?

Do... Do what?

Cook the dinner.

Well, yeah, if you want to.

Come on, then.

Here. That's my Wickham's fancy.

Well, it was sticking in me.

You're lucky it wasn't
his ginger quill.

Oh. Yes?

Hello. Excuse me, do you
have scrubbers in caravan?

No. Certainly not. Excuse... Ow.

Ollie. Ollie?


- Where's Ollie gone?
- I don't know.

Must be round here somewhere.

Get stuffed.

Show us your knickers.

- Ollie.
- Come on. Where are you?


Here, push off. Ow.


Look, look. Do that voice.

Do the voice... you
know, the one he likes.

- No.
- Go on, do the voice.

Ollie, where are you?

Not the cross voice.

The Daddy voice.

- How are you doings?
- Fine, thanks.

Ah, Mr Rolands.

I was finding your
clothing in the caravan.

You were falling into
something nasty, no?

You can't come in
here. You're a woman.

Yes, I know. So what?

- Bath is for men only?
- Yes.

Mr Rolands, this
is discrimination.

In my country, bath
is also for women.

Yes, but not in here. You
have to go next door.

Of course. I'm not coming
in with you, Mr Rolands.

I am going next door.

But, Miss... Miss...
Miss... Miss...

- Vooshka.
- Vooshka. Yes, Vooshka.

In England, men and
women bath separately.

Oh, of course. In my country also,

except when there is
shortage of hot water.

Now... now, look, Miss...

- Vooshka.
- Yes, Miss Vooshka.

You will please take care of
my clothing and hang them up.

Well, I...

Well. I mean... Oh. Well.
I mean. Miss Vooshka...

They're not mine.

They're hers.

Yes. Terrible... mistake.

- Gone?
- Yes, look.

But how did it get out?

Arthur must have done it.

- He wouldn't, Mummy.
- Where is he?

He went for a shower.

Well, then, let's go and find him.

Oh, look, I don't
know where he is.

We should never have brought him.

Maybe he's gone off
into the woods.

- Shall I go and have a look?
- Yeah. I'm having a shower.

Hello. How are you doings?

- Is that a woman?
- Yes.

Bloody hell.

Hello. How are you doings?

I thought it was men in there.

Is truth, but there's only one,

I think.

Well, if she can go
in there, so can I.


Oh... oh. Oh, I do
beg your pardon,

only my husband has
one just like yours.

The same colour.

And it's also creased
and wrinkled.

You've both got one the same.

See if you can get a
bottle of Sauternes.

It's only a local pub.
Probably end up with scrumpy.

- Hey.
- Waah.

What about your disability, then?

I thought about that.

If I keep calling Carol
"Charlie," I'll be all right.

What good will that do?

If I talk in my sleep,
it won't sound so bad.

The wife will think I'm
talking about a fella.

Could sound a bloody sight worse.

- Give us a kiss.
- Oh, shut up.

I think we'll move
on in the morning.

Oh, yes. These caravan
sites are all alike.

They're all couples.
There's never any fellas.

Well, apart from those two.

Blimey. You're not
after them, are you?

Are you kidding? You can
tell they're married.

Still, we are getting
a dinner for nothing.

Don't kid yourself. We aren't
getting it for nothing.

- Oh, yes, we are.
- Oh, no, we're not.

We've flipping well
got to cook it.

Where's the fat gone?

- Mind your...
- Aaah.

Where's it gone?

A dirty great dog's got it.

What is it?

- Our dinner.
- Well, can't be helped.

No, it was our fault.

Look, we were just
going out for a meal.

Oh, yes. Why not come with us?

All right. Why not?

- We'll get some clothes on.
- Why bother?

Ollie. Ollie...

Hello, darling.

Hello. Darling. Show
us your knickers.


Major, there's a man
in those bushes.

- Oh, really?
- He said something.

Oh. He did, did he?
What did he say?

Well, it was... rude.

Oh. Like that, is it?

Well, don't worry.
I'll not tolerate

people like that on my camp.

I'll have him packed and away
from here the moment I catch him.

Oh. What a beauty.

You're round here somewhere,
mate. I can hear you.

Get stuffed.

And that's how you're
going to end up.

- Got you.
- Go away.

- What?
- I'm after a bird.

You filthy swine.


You maniac.

You frightened it away.

- Frightened what away?
- The mynah bird.

- Hey.
- Phew...

Hey, have you seen a big
dog around here anywhere?

I've got better things to do
than look for dogs, mate.

There's a couple of quid in
it for you, if you find him.

Two pounds. Leave it to
me, sir. I'll find him.

- What does he look like?
- Ow.

♪ The mountain ♪

♪ Coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪

♪ Singing aye aye, yippee ♪

Hey, Ernie, look.

Cor, blimey.



Oh, no. Look.

- That's not a chicken.
- It's turned into black bangers.

Where are they?

We had to go out. Dinner in oven.

- Charming.
- Just like being married to 'em.

Oh, God, that smells awful.

Well, if this is the new cesspit,

why is all the earth over there?

Perhaps they're using for
filling in old hole.

Oh, yes. I never thought of that.

An interesting example
of Roman tessellation.

Tessellation, is name for
what they're doing, huh?

It simply means various Roman
pieces get laid... on cement.

Ooh. Is very uncomfortable
for them, no?

Professor er...


Professor Vooshka, you
are the Roman expert.


Would you say this
was a Roman temple?

No, Professor Crump,
no. Is no temple.

In my opinion, is place where
Roman soldiers are coming

for drinking and for women

and for...

Yes, quite. I know what you mean.

What is name for a place
like this in English?

In English?

This place where
soldiers are coming

for drinking and for
women and for...

Yes, yes. It is called the Naafi.

Naafi. Ah. So this is Roman Naafi?

- Yes.
- Da, da, da.

And lady taking money at door

is... Naafi keeper.

- No?
- Yes, yes.

In which case, we are outside
main camp on perimeter,

meaning, meaning...

that main camp is buried
underneath caravan site.

But would they have this...
establishment so far away?

It's not far walk from camp.

It's an awful long
way to walk back.

Anyway, tomorrow
we are poking hole

all over caravan site with spikes.

I don't think they'll
like that at all.

Oh, is all right.
We're poking early.

Before others are awaking.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh. Aaah.

Professor Crump,
what are you doing?

I slipped.

You understand? I slipped.

Is atmosphere of Roman
Naafi affecting you?


Here, what do you mean?

I mean place where soldiers come
for drinking and for women...

I never touch it.

- Never?
- Never.

Perhaps you should try it.

Certainly not.

We have saying in Russia:
"Vyeshka nyet velinka."

Oh. What does it mean?

Never look gift bird in beak.

- Oh.
- Da.

He wants in.

Time you got a shave, Ern.

Give over.

It was me.


I think he's hungry.


I don't think he's had any dinner.

I don't know about that.
He's had most of ours.

I wonder where that chicken went.

I don't know. Come to that,
where did them birds get to?

I'm not worried. Plenty of
them where they come from.

Oh, come on, enjoy yourself.
We're supposed to be on holiday.

I am enjoying myself.

- Well, you don't look like it.
- Well, I was,

till you picked them birds up.

Now I can't think
of anything else.

You know his trouble?
He's crumpet-struck.

- I like that.
- So do we.

It's you that's crumpet-struck.

I wanted to go fishing.

All right. You want to go
fishing, we will go fishing.

And bring the rest of
that plonk with you.

Hee, hee. Good lad.

- Ollie.
- Ollie.

God help us.



Ollie. Ollie.

Found him all right, didn't I?

- Oh, look. Hello.
- Well, where was he?

Must have been seven
or eight miles away.

Well, I promised you
a couple of quid.


Yes. That's mine.

One. Get off. Funny little chap.


Little lad's trying
to take my money.

Mind, sir, I'm not complaining.

I must have used a couple of quids
worth of boots, bringing him back.

Oh, Joe, give him some more.

Little chap. Ooh. Got a cold nose,
hasn't he? Must be healthy.

Thank you, madam.

Ah, Mr Barnes. I'm
wanting you very badly.

Why, what's the matter with him?

We are thinking, perhaps we are
finding something in the alluvium.

Don't tell me it's
blocked up again.

What she means is,

we've just been in
that hole you dug.

Have you? Well, there's a
proper one over there.

When you are digging hole, perhaps
you're finding some artefacts, no?

Arty what?

You know, old Roman relics.

Swords, brooches, helmets...

Oh. Oh, oh, yes, I
see. Supposing I did?

We are wanting.

Ah, yes, but what I find is mine.

Well, we're willing to pay
you for the articles.

All right. Now you're talking.

I'll bring you some
round in the morning.


Show us your knickers.

Come on. You want stuffing, huh?

That's what I call
a Roman artefact.

Here. You might
knock or something.

I was getting undressed.

Is luxury, undressing
on expedition.

When I was in Gobi desert, we
did not undress for ten weeks.

You didn't take your
clothes off for ten weeks?

Well, most of them.

I see. Ooh.

You see, is necessary. If
not, someone stealing them.

That won't happen
here, I assure you.

Great. It's good enough
for Julius Caesar.

♪ Where's my Barbara ♪

- Not back, Ern?
- Who cares?

Fred. Careful.

You nearly tripped over that rope.

Thank you.

Be careful. You could've... Aaah.

♪ I've been a young fool and
you're an old man's fancy ♪

♪ And Gareth ♪

Hey. There's their gas stove.

We do not want it, Ernest.

Neither do we.

I'll tell you what. I'll
take it back to their tent.

Good idea.

Yeah. Then there is no excuse
for them to come round here

disrepreting... disruperting...
disraputating our trinquality.

- Admirably put, Ern.
- Thank you, Fred.

Who's a good girl, then? Look
at me when I'm talking to you.


Ernest. Is you all right?

I've dropped it.

Ah. I've found it.

Hey, hey.


All right, Fred.

I'm in bed, Professor.

- Are you ready?
- Ready for what?

For turning off the light.

- Oh, yes.
- Good night.

What happened?

Must be strike of lightning, no?

I've been struck. Oh.


I'm injured.

Oh. My head is broken.

Oh, no, no, no worry.
I am coming soon.


Professor Crump. Professor Crump.

Professor Crump.

No worry. I am bandaging
your bleeding head.

What the hell did that, then?

Has been struck by strike of

lightning, no? You
perhaps doctors?

- Why? Where does it hurt?
- Er, no.

Must be finding doctors.
Man is injured.

What man?

Is professor of archaeology.
Is bleeding terrible.

Never mind his
qualifications. Is he hurt?

Is hurt badly, da. Is in caravan.

Don't worry. I will handle it.

Thank you. Is very
nice. Thank you.

He was a lance corporal in
the Army Medical Corps.

Da. I'm going finding ambulance.



- How is he?
- Have you got a mirror?

Why, are we going out?

I want a mirror.

Yes, I'll get one.

Ooh. Good morning. Could I borrow,

It's me.

- Is... is he dead?
- Of course he's dead.

Then what's the mirror for?

I want a second opinion.

- Go on.
- All right.

Have a look.

He's still there.

Is the glass misted over?


He's dead.

Ow. No, I'm not.

I'm not. Am I?

He must have been
holding his breath.

It's all right, lovely
boy. You're in good hands.

- What are you?
- A butcher.

Oh, no.

It's all right. I
knows what I'm doing.

Haven't they got any real doctors?

Relax. Tell me where it hurts.
I'll start with your legs.

That hurts.

Oh, it hurts all over.

As I suspected. Multiple
fractures. We need splints.

Don't hang about. Break
the damn thing off.

Oh, no.



Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...


My theodolite's broken.

What do we do?

We'd better put a
splint on that as well.

Here we are, my dear.

- Na zdorovye.
- Bless you.

You're not to worry. I'm sure
he'll be perfectly all right.

Such a great pity. He was
such a good colleague.

And to be struck down just
as we were having it off...


Damned hard luck there, yes.
Happened to a friend of mine

in India.

Yes, he was up in the jungle
with the colonel's wife.

They fell off an elephant.

Oh, no. "Having it
off" is not right.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I mean, these days.

I suppose you won't
want to be going back

to that caravan of yours
tonight, will you?

Why not?

Well, you know. I mean...
painful associations.

What I mean is...

What I mean is, you could
sleep here, if you wanted.

That is most kind of you.

You have all that digging
to do, haven't you?

You'll want a good rest.

You might want to...

Thank you, but I'm
already getting plenty.

Yes, but I'm not.

Then I must not keep
you awake any longer.

I'm sorry, Major, but
I'm not loving you.

Yes, but...

You see, when I love a man,
I give him everything.

I give it all.

But I don't want it all.

I just want a bit.

Hey, hey.

- Good night. Give us a kiss.
- Thanks ever so much.

Bye-bye. Thank you.
See you tomorrow.


What happened? Oh. Oh...

Oh. Oh, dear...

It was struck by lightning.

We haven't had any lightning.

We have had here.

That's what did it.

You were mending it.

Aye, well, Ernie put it back
in your tent, see, and...

blew it up.

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

Where are we going
to sleep tonight?

Not so loud.

I'll tell you what. Come in the
van and we'll... discuss it.

Right, ladies, just make
yourselves comfortable.

And don't worry. We'll
buy you a new tent.

Oh, yes and er, new bedding,

new... whatever else you lost.

What, tonight?

Not tonight. Be reasonable.

Tonight you'll just
have to... sleep here.

All right, then.

And, by the way, where
are you two sleeping?

Where do you think?

Now let's take a look at his head.

We'll soon have you on your feet.

Oh, I feel so queer.

- Yes, of course you do.
- Oh...


Here, what are you, a vampire?

It's tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce?

Or tomato ketchup.
What's the difference?

- 2p a bottle.
- Is it? Anyway, it's not blood.

- I don't understand.
- Neither do I.

So there's nothing wrong with him?

Well, apart from that
splinter in his...

That's quite enough, isn't it?

I'll attend to it in
a minute. Meanwhile,

you owe us some sort
of explanation.

I do?

You come in here covered
in tomato sauce,

lashed up to a theodolite
with a splinter in your...

Well, I'm all confused. It's
all dreadfully confusing.

Now we're alone, try and
remember exactly what happened.

Well, I got into bed

and Miss Vooshka
turned out the light.

So you were in bed with a Miss...

No. I was up the other end.


The other end of what?

The caravan. She was
up the one end.

I was up the other.

And then I suddenly
saw a quick flash.

Oh. Did you?

Ye-yes. I thought at
first it was lightning.

Then I suddenly received this
violent blow to the head

and after that I don't
remember anything.

Just a moment. I think I know
where your splinter came from.

Do you? Where?

From your splint.

Oh. Well... well, it's
dreadfully painful.

Do you think you
could... get it out?

I'll take a look at it. Nurse.

It's a big one, Doctor.

Yes, I know.

But it's only a small splinter.


Hello. Good morning, Miss Vooshka.


Thank you.

Professor Crump,
you're recovering, no?

Yes, except for a very
sore toe-big toe.

Poor Professor Crump,
but never mind.

We up nice and early and
bushy-tailed for making holes.

Yes. Would you mind if I
have a cup of tea first?

No, first we're making
holes, Professor Crump.

Dig your own hole.

Hello, darling.

Mummy's still asleep.


- How did you sleep?
- Rotten.

Oh, so did I. I missed you.

Well, you told me
to sleep out here.

I'm sorry. You made me angry.

Trouble is, now Mummy's moved into

the caravan, I don't
know if we can.

That's all right. You can
sleep out here with me.

But it's only a single bed.

There's plenty of room.

- Look, I'll show you.
- Stop it. You'll wake...

- Ooow.
- Arthur, what are you doing?

I've just trodden in my breakfast.

Well, I wish you'd
do it more quietly.

Lovely new-laid eggs.

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, it must be a Roman egg.

Oh, dear. Oh, Lord. Oh...

I can't get away from myself.


Ah. You're hitting
underground spring.

It's the water mains.

Pshh. Someone's coming.



Merely admiring the view.

I wasn't looking over there,
I was looking over there.

- That happens to be my wife.
- Oh...

I must say, you cooks cornflakes

- much better than Ernest does.
- Thanks.

When are we going shopping?

Oh. You mean the tent?

And the rest. We've lost all
our clothes, and everything.

I don't know how you did it.

Well, I don't, neither.

To tell you the truth, I think it
was because we had too much wine.

Ah. Barnes.

What's that?

It's a genuine Roman helmet.

Oh, is it? Looks more like an old
tin hat with the rim knocked off.

Well, you're not an
archaeologist, are you?

I'm getting reports that the
showers aren't working properly.

Don't ask me. I never use 'em.

That's obvious.

For now, I'll check inside.
You look at the stopcock.

Damned vandals.

Some damned fool's
turned them off.

Look, turn that damn thing off.

You turn it off. You're
wetter than I am.

That's a matter of opinion.


Ernest, sit down.

No. I can't sit down. You
see, I think I've...


I don't care what
you say, there are

some very odd people on this site.

You're making it up.

I am not.

And that Peeping Tom. I'd
like to know what...

Oh, hello, Major.

No sign of him, I suppose?

- Er, sign of who?
- My mynah bird.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

What we intend to do is to
broadcast the fact that he's lost.

Broadcast it?

Yes, from our new
public-address system here.


Come with me. I'll show it to you.

Damn it. That's not
the colour I ordered.

It's what we were given.

But I ordered leaf
green. That's not

leaf green. You'll
have to change it.

- Have you finished?
- Just about.

I'm glad something's
finished. We're

opening this damn
place on Saturday.

Sit down, my dear.


Come on. We'll try it.

I haven't finished testing it yet.

That's just what I'm about to do.

All right, then.

Good morning, caravanners.

This is Major Leep speaking.

And this is one of the
amenities we have installed

to make your stay
here more enjoyable.

Try it now. Go on.

I'll start again.

This is Major Leep speaking.

This is one of the amenities
we have installed

to make your stay
here more enjoyable.

All the site news at
regular intervals

and any urgent messages.

It will also enable me to
keep in touch with my staff

and see that they're doing
their jobs properly.

And now. One or two
reminders of site...


These are made for
everybody's benefit.

And now...

A case of vandalism
in the showers.

Someone has deliberately
ripped one off

and for those responsible
for puncturing the water...

a warning.

A valuable talking mynah bird.

And that is all for the moment.

Message ends.

That ought to get some results.

Get stuffed.

We are arriving on site,

making preliminary survey.

Professor Crump and I are
living in caravan together.

We have been all over
the site, poking.

Don't you think it would be
better if I wrote the report?

Who's expert on Romans, you or I?

You are.

Then will you please
continue, Professor Crump.

First we are finding
remains of Roman paving...

showing pictures of...
an erotic nature.

One of the pictures
is showing an...

- a wenus.
- A what?

A wenus.

You must know what a wenus is, no?

Well, it's neither one thing
nor the other, really, is it?

A wenus, Professor Crump,
is the goddess of love.

Oh, you mean Venus.

Is what I am saying. Wenus.

We... we... ve... ve... Yes.

Ok. Next to her is standing
your man, who's holding his...

Er. I don't know word.

You are seen what man is
holding in his hand, no?


What are you calling
it in English?

Well, you've... a very
large choice, really.

No, it's not. It's one short word.

Much to the point.

Well, it's long weapon

with bend in middle.

- Oh, you mean a bow.
- Bow. Bow.

A bow. A bow and arrow.

I thought you meant the
chap who was firing it.

In England we call
him Cupid or Eros.

Is not mattering, Professor
Crump. You will continue.

He is firing arrow

which is hitting people in arse.

- In what?
- Hitting people in arse.

In a...

Harse. Hearts.

Oh, I see.

- There.
- Da.

- It is time for knocking it off.
- For what?

You shouldn't have
brought us all this.

No, it was ever so nice of you.

Still, we'll make it up to you.

- How?
- I wonder what they'd like.

We'll soon have this up for you.

Oh, thanks.

Anyway, we'll just pop in the
caravan and get our things off.

- Do you reckon?
- It looks like it.

Waste of time putting it up, then.

I wouldn't say that, Ern.

- Hi.
- All right?

We're ready.

Are you all right?

Where are you going?

Swimming. See you.


I'll teach you the
breaststroke. Come on.

Forget about 'em.

Oh. Oh, I have.

No, you haven't.

You are brooding over that Sandra.

Well, I was beginning
to enjoy myself.

Be philosophical.

Plenty of time to
pick up two more.

Not like Sandra.

If you ask me, we
had a lucky escape.

It's a nice pub, this.

It reminds me of the
one we used to have.

Oh. You... had a pub?

Yes, until my husband gave it up.

Oh. It's damned hard
work, running a pub.

It was too hard for him.
He got worn out just

sitting there watching
me do all the work.

Are you...

Separated? Yes. I haven't seen
my husband for ten years.

- Care for another?
- No, thank you. He was enough.


Would you care for another drink?

No, I think I'm all right.

- I do, too.
- Major.

Oh, I'm... sorry.

I mean, not in here.

I have an idea.

What about popping back to
my caravan for a quick one?

Yes, why not?

- Good night.
- Oh, good night, madam.

- Good night.
- Good night, Major.

"Major". He's a card, he is.
He calls himself a major.

- Well, isn't he, then?
- More like a major disaster.

Here, he's got the caravan
site down the road.

He's most likely nipping back,
see if it's still there.

Somebody might have nicked it?

No, might have gone
down one of them holes.

Down one of what holes?

Oh, the whole field
is full of big holes.

It's the underground mining works.

They reckon the Romans dug 'em.

Well, we're up there, and
we haven't seen any holes.

No, you're not likely to,

till the ground opens and
down you go one of them.

Here, listen. He paid £2,000
for that bit of land.


I do not think that is very funny.

Nor me. Why are you laughing?

Because I'm the one
who sold it to him.


That's not funny.

Major, I do believe you're
trying to get me sloshed.

Heavens above. No,
there's no need to.

Er, what I... mean... was...

only a damned swine

would try and get a
girl drunk first.


Well, damn waste of time getting
her drunk after... Oops.

No. Oh, no. Er, what I meant...


What I meant... would you
care for a spot of music?

Yes, why not?

Ha, ha. This will get
you in the mood for it.

Get me in the mood for what?

A spot of the old

♪ Jaunty military tune ♪

Whoa. This'll get you going.

It certainly will.

Good night and thank you for
a most delightful evening.

What a peculiar woman.

Oh, he wants to go out.


Well, close the door.
It's nippy in here.

And come back to bed.

Well, somebody's
got to let him in.

Oh, to hell with him.



He's gone into next
door's tent thing.


Oh, I say, I'm most awfully sorry.

- He didn't half give me a turn.
- Well, where is he?

- Under there.
- Oh.

Oh. Aaah. Oh.

- We slipped up.
- I couldn't help it.

- She came in after it.
- I just tried to grab hold of it.

Oh, yes?

What's the matter?

I'd like you to sleep
in the annexe.

- Why?
- Because from now on,

Arthur is sleeping in here.

All right, but I thought
he was happy out there.

He was. Too happy.

Hello, darling.

Hello, darling. Show
us your knickers.

Professor Crump?

Professor Crump.

- Yes?
- You were talking in your sleep.

- I wasn't, was I?
- You was.

- What was I saying?
- You were saying, "Darling."

"Let me see your knickers."

Oh. Yes, well, ah... no.

I expect what I probably said
was, "Show us your nicker."

Ah. "Knicker" is only one leg, no?

No, it's a slang expression
meaning a pound.

Expression for money.

So you're wanting to know
where I'm hiding my money?

Yes. That's right, of course.

In my sleep, of course.

I don't know what I'm
saying in my sleep.

Then how you know I hide
my money in my knickers?

Well, I didn't know,
but... are you?

Certainly. It's only safe
place in explorations.

It depends on what
you're exploring.

Professor Crump.

Where are you hiding yours?

I'm not hiding anything.

- I keep mine in my trousers.
- Really?

Er... good morning.

Good morning.

Are you all right? You look awful.

Me and Ernest had an
evening out last night.

Yes, we heard you coming home.

We haven't seen
much of you lately.

We've taken up archaeology.

Have you dug anything up?

- Yes, a couple of Roman soldiers.
- 2,000 years old.

They won't do you much good.

Oh, I don't know. They look
better than you do now.

That's a good one.

Fred. Fred.

Goodbye, see you later.

Could I speak to Mr
O'Sullivan, please?

Barnes, get rid of that.


Dear, oh, dear. You have
made a hash of them.

It's your governor, mate. He's had
the colour changed five times.

You want to get that lot
off, mate, and start again.

You get it off. We ain't
got any paint stripper.

Ask him to get you some.

- You ask him.
- Right.

We want a girl singer
for the cabaret.

It's a bad line.
Stop that hammering.

- Hello.
- It's about them chairs.

Barnes, please. I'm
on long-distance.

It'll all have to come off.

Barnes. I'm talking to
a theatrical agent.

I'm very sorry about
that. Where was I?

We need a stripper.

We need a stripper.

Barnes. What are you
going on about?

We need a paint stripper
for them chairs.

Well, you can't have
any. Now, get out of it.


I'm desperately sorry
about that. Where was I?

Oh, you've got just the
girl. Oh, jolly good.

I'll leave it all to you,
shall I? Veronica, yes?

As long as she can
get here by eight.

Right. Goodbye.

Here we go. Just take a
stone. Steady, now. Steady.

You're doing very well.
That's very good, Clive.

- Thank you, sir.
- Creep.

Yes, carry on scraping.

What do you make of it?

Is old Roman tool.

Must have been a very old Roman.

Just to remind you
that the clubhouse

will be opened in
one hour from now.

Thank you.

Ah, Barnes. You'd better go and
smarten yourself up, hadn't you?

You're serving behind
the bar. What's that?

It's a telegram.

Oh. Huh.


Can't stand health farm. Arriving
tonight. Sylvia and Vera.

Look, I don't know
any Sylvia and Vera.

That's cos it's not for you.

Well, why the hell
didn't you say so?

I didn't get a
chance. I wanted you

to announce it over that thing.

Oh, you...

This is Major Speep leaking.


And here is another announcement.

Go on, hit it one
with your shovel.




- What is it?
- It's fly spray.

- Fly spray?
- Yes.



There's some local
talent going past.


I've got a feeling I'm going
to be all right tonight.

I have, as well.

Zip me up, darling.

Don't do that. Mummy
wouldn't like it.

Mummy's not going to get it.

I don't mean that.
She might come in.

- Where is she?
- She went for a shower.

- Ready.
- Just coming.

Hello, darling. Show
us your knickers.

There's a man in here.

Hello, darling.

It's a mynah bird.


Aren't you the lady that lost one?

- Is it yours?
- Get stuffed.

Mine would never say
things like that.

I can't go into the
ladies' showers.

But there's a man
in there already.

- Yes, but...
- He might attack someone.

- You're right, me.
- Oh...


All right, ladies. Where is he?

- Daphne?
- Henry.

- What's up?
- It's my husband.

Oh, what a beauty.

♪ Funky instrumental ♪

- Yes, sir?
- Where's Barnes?

Somebody said he'd fainted.

- Fainted? Where?
- In the showers.

Too much for him, I suppose?

A lady took him back
to his caravan.

Thanks, Daph.

How's your pudding?

How's my what?

Your steak-and-kidney pudding.

No one can do it like you can.

I haven't done it for years.

Why not?

Well, nobody but
you ever liked it.


What are you doing
down here, anyway?

Oh, I'm working.

What as?

- I'm an odd-job man.
- Odd-job man?

Oh, really, Henry.

Don't get on to me.

Look, Henry, if you
need a few quid...

Oh, no, no. No, it's
not that, Daph.

I've been living rough saving
money. I've been saving.

Saving? You?

Don't say anything. Wait.

No, wait.

Here. Have a look at my bank book.



I don't believe it.

They don't write it down
if you don't put it in.

Where did you get it?

- Saved it.
- What? As an odd-job man?


You must have been doing
some very odd jobs.

I've been scrimping and
saving for ten years.

And then, last year...

- Yes?
- I won the football pools.

How much?


You're joking.

It's all yours, Daph, if you
want it, every penny of it.

Henry, I don't know what to say.

No one else, is there?

Well, no, but...

Come back to me, Daph.

I'll smarten myself up.

I'll try and be a good husband.

I'll do anything you
want. Anything.

Henry, look, this
is all so sudden.

I'll have to have time to think.

♪ Jazzy music ♪

Oh, we're not from
the caravan site.

No, we're from the village.


Erm, would you care
to dance, then?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, sorry.

What about you, then?

Er, no, I can't do it any more.

- Do what?
- Dance.

Oh. Well, that's all right, then.

So I think we should
be concentrating

on opening first excavation, no?

- Well, I don't know, because...
- No, no.

First we'll be opening house where

soldiers are coming
for women. Yes.

Ah. I suppose you know by now what
we've been doing in that field.

I'm afraid it's no
concern of mine.

I'm a civilian.

I'm also married.

I don't understand why the dog
can't sleep outside the caravan.

Oh, Joe, that's not fair.

Last night he tried to
get into bed with us.

He could cause havoc
in bed with his bone.

Well, he gets lonely.

I don't care if he
does get lonely.

He's not getting in bed with us.

- He wanders about in the night.
- Hark who's talking.

I'm the cabaret. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't worry. Please. I'm
glad you could make it.

I was a bit worried about
your music, you see.

We have a piano, of course.

- I brought it with me, on tape.
- Really? What do you sing?

- Oh, I don't sing.
- You don't?

No. I'm er, a... dancer.

Oh. Well, never mind. I'm
sure you'll go down well.

♪ Jazzy music ♪

Ladies and gentlemen...

please, may I have your
attention, ladies and gentlemen.

Please be seated.
It's cabaret time.

Ready when you are.

♪ Striptease music ♪

Here. I want it.


Good Lord.

I believe she's
doing a striptease.

Looks like it.

Damn it. That's not
what I ordered.

What is lady doing?

It's... a kind of dance.

It's very peculiar. In my country,
we don't have dance like this.

No, you have mixed
bathing, instead.

But lady is not taking bath.

I hope she doesn't go too far.

Is wrong for lady showing
her knickers in public, no?

- Yes, I agree.
- So, we are leaving.

Oh. I can't stand up.

Well, I told you you
should've worn 'em.

What are we going to do? We
can't go home like this.

- I've got a needle and thread.
- Have you? Come on, let's go.

Oh, it's an orgy.

I shall have my
licence taken away.

Oh, oh. Cheers.

Bottoms up.

I shall get to the bottom of this.

I feel a complete arse.

Oh, it's coming on to rain.

We all can't get in there.

It's all right. We can
go in that caravan.

- Is it yours?
- No, but they won't mind.

Hey, let's go down
to our van, man.

- What?
- Yeah.

Better be quick.
It's going to rain.

It's all right. We haven't
come to disturb you.

Come in, lads. Make
yourselves at home.

Sit yourself down.
Ernest, the drinks.

Oh. Ooh.


Hurry up, Sylvia.

Phwoar, look at that.

Come here, darling.

Awful weather we're
having, lovely.



Don't hit me.

Daph. We haven't done
this for ten years.

Well. Don't talk so
much. Get on with it.


Have a look at this.

Lay it on the table.
So I can see it.

Ooh. You've got two.

Yeah. Two aces and three kings.

It's a full house.

- Well, I...
- Daph.

Oh, don't go. Give us a kiss.

Don't start that again. I've
told you, I haven't decided yet.

Well, give us a kiss
and then decide.

No. Now, deal the cards.

Arthur, I don't know where
Mummy could've got to.

Perhaps some fella picked her up.

Don't be so coarse.

Or perhaps she picked
up some fella.

- Ow.
- Serves you right.

♪ Hums Russian melody ♪

♪ Continues to hum ♪

Is making nice tune, no?

If you like it so much, why
don't you come up this end?

Professor. You're
making invitation, no?

No, I meant you come up this end

and I'll come up your end.

No, no. Is nicer this end.

Nice to have 'em back.

- I've missed 'em, you know.
- Me too.

What's that? What's that?

Get him off me. Get that,

Look at the time. We've
been playing all night.

- Just like we used to.
- Well, I must go.

- No, no.
- Yes, I must.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, what's happened?

Who cares?


- Ooh. Naughty Professor.
- It's all right. I'm just going.

Oh, is no rush, is no rush.

Oh, oh. Oh, no.

- Is no rush, is no rush.
- Ooh...

What's happening?

It's them holes. They warned us.

The whole caravan site is
riddled with big holes.

Well, we seem to be all right.

Better check, though.


- You all right?
- Yes.

I don't think there's
holes round here.

- Oh.
- What's the matter?

Where are they?

Blub blub.

Oh, Barnes. You are coming back?

Yes. I may do, Major.

- When?
- Next year, on our holidays.

Drive on, Arthur.

Come again.

Oh. How do you do?

Oh, a couple of
birds we picked up.


I think we're going to be
all right with these two.


- Isn't it exciting?
- Yes.

So that is what they calling
"having it off," no?

Ye-ye-here. Not so loud.

Put your piece in.

- Ooh, no, it's rude.
- Oh...

Oh, what a beauty.

Thank you very much
for your lovely gift.

Oh, that's all right.
It was nothing.

I can't think why she sold him.

Get stuffed.

Show us your knickers.

Oh, here. Ooh, stop messing about.