Carry on Abroad (1972) - full transcript

♪ The Marseillaise ♪

♪ Lively Latin music ♪

♪ Romantic Mediterranean music ♪

♪ Lively Gypsy music ♪

How about the other half?

Another one of those.

Oh, ta. Have you got a large one?

I've had no complaints so far.

Seeing's believing.

You won't need a magnifying glass.

- Ooh.

- Ha-ha-ha.

Here we are.

No, no, no. Have it on me...

if you know what I mean.

Oh. You don't have to

draw me any diagrams.

Pity. I was just going

to get my ballpoint out.

Yeah, and write your name in

the frost with it, I suppose.

Bottoms up.

Is that what it is? You

could have fooled me.

Evening, all.

- Hello, Cora.

- Harry.

- The usual, ta.

- Vic,

would you see to Harry?

I thought he'd been

seen to years ago.

- How are they hanging?

- Empty.

Soon fix that up.

Not for me, ta. I've

just had dinner.

I hear you're going on your

holiday tomorrow, then.

Just a weekend.

All right for some.

Taking the missus, too?

No, she won't go abroad.

Doesn't like flying.

And someone has to

look after the pub.

It's a package deal.

17 quid, all in.

Thank you. Where are you going to?

Some new resort in the Med.

Oh, for heaven's

sake, Vic. Tell him.

It's a place called Elsbels.

Hey.

Elsbels? The island?

- Tomorrow?

- Yes.

Blimey. There's a

coincidence for you.

What is?

Sadie's going there

on the same trip.

Get away.

That's right, isn't it, Sadie?

You're going to Elsbels.

Me? Oh... yes. I

thought of going. Why?

Well, Vic's going

on the same trip.

Really? Well, fancy that.

Have a good trip.

Get off.

Well, that's it. How

about a nice cup of tea?

You filthy, rotten,

stinking beast.

- What have I done now?

- Don't come the innocent with me.

You and that Sadie Tomkins.

"Are you going on the same trip?

Well, fancy that. Fancy that."

Well, I don't fancy that at all.

What are you talking

about? It's the

first I've heard of

it. Straight up.

Don't lie to me. You've

obviously both arranged it.

Arranged it? If I'd known she

was going, I'd have cancelled.

Good, because that's exactly

what you're going to do.

As late as this? I'll

lose my deposit money.

You'll lose a damn sight

more if you don't.

Oh, have a heart. I

need this holiday.

I can't go without it just

cos she's going to be there.

If she's going, you won't

be going without it.

What? Cor blimey, I wouldn't

touch her with a bargepole.

No, but you would

with anything else.

Oh, no wonder you've never minded

going on holiday on your own.

Now, that's not true. I've always

begged you to come with me.

All right, then. I will.

It's flying...

Flying... You don't

like flying. Remember?

I don't like washing floors,

but I'd rather do that than

you get some other scrubber.

I'll see the travel agent

first thing in the morning.

Hello there.

Afternoon, Miss Dobbs.

Lovely day for it.

That's what they all say, but

it won't get you anywhere.

I meant for the Elsbels

trip, Miss Dobbs.

Oh, I say. I'm awfully sorry.

That's all right. Any time.

Let's leave the sightseeing

till we get there?

Good afternoon. Lovely day for it.

- That's what they all say.

- I'll bet they do.

Or did you mean the trip?

No, what I meant

was... Never mind.

It's Mr and Mrs Flange, for

the weekend to Elsbels.

If you'd like to take a seat, sir.

You're not due to leave just yet.

- Hello.

- How do you do?

- Are you girls going to Elsbels?

- Yeah, that's right.

Oh, very nice. I'm Vic

Flange. That's my wife.

Oh. Hello.

Never mind, love.

Better luck next time.

The coach is here, and

some of the party.

Well, we may as well

get them aboard.

Of course. Mr Farquhar...

I want you to know how thrilled

I am to be with you this trip.

I feel we're going to be

just wonderful together.

Miss Plunkett, you're

squashing my itinerary.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I keep

forgetting what a

big girl I am now.

Well, shall we get them out now?

Why, Mr Farquhar.

The people for the coach, I mean.

Oh, those. Yes, of course.

Good afternoon. You

may board the coach

now. Have your tickets

ready, please.

Coach? I thought we

were going by air.

We have to go by coach

to get to the airport.

But you didn't say that. I

don't like coaches, either.

Blimey. You're determined

to have a good time.

Ah, thank you. May I wish you

both an extremely happy holiday?

Oh, thanks. Come on, Marge.

- That's enough of that.

- Sorry. My arms are aching.

Your eyes will be too

by the time we finish.

All right. All right.

Excuse me. Is this

the Elsbels coach?

That's right.

- Oh, good. Excuse me.

- Well, don't mind us.

Pardon us.

Blunt. Mr and Mrs Stanley Blunt.

Do you have a ticket?

Naturally. Do we

look like stowaways?

No, not at all, but I

have to collect them.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Stanley. Tickets.

Tickets, dear? Yes. Er... in

my trousers pocket, dear.

Well, produce them. Oh, why

are you always so helpless?

- For heaven's sake, keep still.

- Aargh.

Oooh. Back. The back pocket.

Why on earth didn't you say so?

There.

Now, come along, and stop making

such an exhibition of yourself.

Ah, good afternoon,

sir. Your tickets?

Here we are.

Thank you, Mr Flange.

That's correct.

You're travelling with Miss...

Er... no. Mrs Mrs Flange.

Mr and Mrs Flange.

Oh, but I've got you

down as with Miss Tom...

No, no. That was all

changed this morning.

You've just got married?

Oh, congratulations.

No, no, I... changed the booking.

I was coming on my own, but

then she changed her mind.

- What's the trouble, Vic?

- Nothing, darling. Nothing.

You got it? Two tickets.

Mr and Mrs Flange.

- If you say so, sir.

- I do say so.

Come on, darling.

I hope there's some young ones.

Oh, stop worrying,

Marge. They said

a party of young

blokes was coming.

I certainly hope so.

Now, don't forget, Eustace,

dear. None of that oily food.

And take your syrup

of figs every night.

Yes, Mummy. But do stop worrying.

I shall be quite all right.

Oh, I do hope so, dear.

But I shall be praying

to Him every night to

keep your bowels open.

- That will not be necessary.

- It's the least I can do.

Goodbye, dear, and take care.

Yes, dear.

- Ah, good afternoon, sir.

- Oh, hello.

- Have you got a ticket?

- Yes, I have. Have you?

Of course. I'm the

courier for this party.

How nice.

Ah, Mr Tuttle. You're

travelling alone?

Yes, I am. Mummy has to stay

behind to look after the hamsters.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

- Left alone, they start mating.

- Oh, how interesting.

No, it isn't. It's

all over in a flash.

Oh, I meant to tell you, dear.

Keep your woolly vest

on, even at night.

Yes, Mummy... and goodbye.

Oh, and when you do go, always

put plenty of paper down first.

You will look after

him, won't you?

We look after everyone

on a Wundatour, madam.

- Yes, but he's not like the rest.

- I can certainly believe that.

He's very delicate, and not

used to being away from home.

- Excuse me.

- What is it? What do you want?

You're blocking their passage.

Yes, and that would

never do, would it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, Mummy.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello.

- How about these two?

- Quite dishy.

Mr Tweed, Mr Phipps. Would

you like to take your seat?

Thank you very much.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Do you mind, please, sitting down?

Who the hell do you think

you're talking to?

Hey, son. Is this for

the dirty weekend?

This is the four-day trip to

Elsbels, if that's what you mean.

Same difference, isn't it? Ha-ha.

Have you got a ticket?

Certainly. I don't expect

to get it for nothing.

Not the holiday, anyway.

Oh, Mr Conway, yes. Would you

take your seat on the coach?

Well, I cannae leave

it behind, can I?

I'll need it to drive

the old point home.

Hello there. All ready

for a wild weekend?

Oh, well. Maybe not.

Hello.

Well, where's all

the crumpet, then?

I don't think they

give us any tea.

No. Women. Birds.

Oh. I did notice a couple of

young ladies, back there.

Oh, no, son. That's

jail bait, that is.

"Touch me and I'll

tell my dad" stuff.

Hey, that looks a

bit more like it.

I'll just give her a

hand with her bags.

Allow me.

Oh, ta.

Be careful. It's not very well...

fastened.

That's torn it.

Oh, I'll do it.

It took me a long time to

get all that in there.

I'll bet.

Men.

We can't possibly leave yet.

There's a party of 12 men to come.

There. What did I

tell you? 12 of 'em.

Miss Plunkett's checking them now.

Ah. It's all right.

Here they come.

Please. Please, working.

Why not working?

Standing, leaning on shovels.

We four and five storeys

yet putting up.

Work.

There's English people

coming for happy holidays.

You very loving foreman.

We no work like this,

so look at this.

Thank you.

- Let's go.

- No, no.

It's nice here, look.

Are forgetting shovels. Little

shovels. Small diggings.

Santa Cecilia. Floella. Floella.

Floella. Floella.

Floella.

Floella.

Floella?

Floella.

Floella.

Floella?

Floella...

Floella. The

peoples-they are here.

What can I do? I've got enough

troubles with the blooding stove.

Argh.

Floellas, this is

our first guests.

If we not making success, we are

getting the sacks from the owners.

We've got to make them welcome.

Sure, sure, sure. We'll make them

very welcome... I don't think.

With no blooding food.

And no blooding staff.

Ok, ok. It's my fault we

got no blooding staff.

Where's Giorgio?

Should I blooding know? Sitting

on his blooding arse, I suppose.

Giorgio. Get off the blooding

arse. The peoples are here.

Giorgio.

- Giorgio.

- Yes, Papa?

Waking up. Making readies.

People coming. A load of sheets.

Yes, Papa.

Ladies and gentlemens,

welcoming to Palace Hotels.

Oh, we are in the

right place, then?

Yes. This number one

first-class hotel on islands.

Entering, please, but

minding wet cements.

This way.

This is very lovings, no?

I beg your pardon? Oh, you

mean lovely? Yes, very nice.

Is all brand-news.

Tables not sat in,

chairs not sat in, lavatories...

Yeah, we needn't go into

that. Is the manager here?

Er... yes, yes. I fetch

him. One moment.

Yes, well, I think we shall

be very comfortable here.

It'll be all right

when it's finished.

Oh, you won't let a little thing

like that spoil your holiday?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur Pépé.

But you were the doorman.

Me? No, no. That's

Mario, my brothers.

Oh, yes, I see. Well,

I'm the representative

of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.

I think he was right

the first time.

Ah, you Mr Farki-Hars.

Having letters for you.

Good. I wondered if you

were expecting us.

Certainly I'm expecting.

My wife is also expecting.

Yes, well... this hotel doesn't

seem to be quite finished.

Not finished? Oh, it's nothing. A

little bit of building to finish.

Four or five floors. That's all.

Four or five floors? You have

got room for us, though?

Glad you mentionings. As

a matter of factings...

Blooding, blooding stove.

Oh, excuse me. The chef is not

speaking so good English.

Well, could you show

us the rooms you have?

Me? No, no, no. I

fetch the porter.

Porter.

This way, please,

ladies and gentlemens.

Well, I think it is

outrageous, asking us

to share a room just

because we're married.

I don't know, dear.

I thought it was quite reasonable,

in the circumstances.

Oh, yes, you didn't

resist. Any man with half

an ounce of gumption

would have refused.

Oh... actually, I thought

it might be quite fun.

Fun? Fun?

Well, it is quite some

time since we did it.

Erm... shared a room, I mean.

Stanley, you're not going

to try to use this

as an excuse to start

that nastiness again?

No, dear, of course not. No.

I should hope not. You know I

need a bit of peace and quiet.

Well, I can assure you

that I need a bit, too.

Yes, well, we'll just have to

try and make the best of it.

Now, I am going to get undressed

and have a nice hot bath.

Oh, that's a... jolly good idea.

Well?

Er, yes, well, I'll just

go out onto the balcony.

Don't forget to keep

looking the other way.

We've got a shower.

Oh, well, that's

something. Open the

windows, and let's

get some fresh air.

That's a good idea.

What's the matter

with it? It's stuck.

Excusings, please.

You liking towels?

Yes, please. Er... excusings.

Do you think you can do something

about the windows?

They won't open.

- Not openings?

- No.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

Just a minute.

Please excusings. You like towels?

Stanley.

Yes, dear? What is it?

Oh, I say.

For heaven's sake,

Stanley, do something.

Yes, dear.

Dash it all.

This isn't good enough.

Can't you see my wife's undressed?

Yes. See, I see.

She is very lovings.

You very lucky mans.

You think so?

Yes.

Big hip...

small waist... and boom-boom.

Stanley, will you get

him out of here?

Now, look here... Ow.

I feel as though I were

in a cattle market.

Yes, dear, I see what you mean.

Oh, hello.

Argh. Stanley.

- Stanley.

- Coming, dear.

Stanley, there is a

man in our bath.

What? Well, what sort of man?

What does it matter?

They're all the same.

Well, yes. I'll just go and see...

I say, I'm awfully sorry.

Argh.

Not to worry. It's only Mr Tuttle.

But what is he doing

in our bathroom?

Your bathroom? But it

leads off my room.

I think I'm going to go mad.

No, hang on, please,

before you go anywhere.

I think I'd better go and check.

Recep-Ti-ons.

Ah, yes. My wife has a complaint.

You wanting doctors?

No, no, not that

sort of complaint.

She's been to the bathroom,

and there's a man in it.

Oh, it's all right. We not

making extra chargings for this.

You don't seem to understand.

This is a private bathroom, no?

Is right. Is private

between two rooms.

But then that's hardly

private, is it?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Give me that phone.

Hello. I wish to make a

strong... complaint.

I've never had a trip

like that in all my

life... and with such

fearsome people.

Have you ever seen anything like

them? I swear they're all odd.

Isn't that typical? I'm going to

give them a piece of my mind.

Oh, lay off it, Rob. We're

only here for four days.

No, I've had enough.

I am taking no more.

Hello?

Excusing, please.

- Recep-Ti-ons.

- I have a complaint to make.

Complaint? Er... one

minute, please.

I hand you over to

Room Servicings.

Hello, madams? About the bath...

I am handing you over

to Room Servicings.

Oh, for heaven's

sake. Hello? Hello?

Ah, Room Service?

And about time. Now, listen, my

drawers have got no

bottoms in them.

What? Who is that?

I want Room Service.

Well, so do I. Get off the line.

Room Service?

Ah. It's about our bathroom.

I want to complain.

Er... one minute, please. I

giving you Room Servicings.

Hello?

I've just found there's

no back to my wardrobe.

What? What? Who is that? Is that

Room Service? Room Service?

I wish to report a man in my bath.

Oh, go away. Go away.

Er... mind if I shower first?

Oh, go ahead. I'm going

to wash my hair.

Hello?

♪ Cocktail jazz ♪

- Aargh.

- Blimey.

Vic, what are you doing

in here? Get out of here.

Sorry. If I'd known you were

here, I wouldn't have come.

Yes, all right. Just

get out of here

quick before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any

soap on that bit.

Get out of here.

You see, I thought

this was our bathroom.

I didn't realise

there was a door...

What do you think of that?

I've never been so shocked and

humiliated. Where's the phone?

Well, everyone seems happy

enough now, I'm glad to say.

There is one matter

I would like to

take up with you, Monsieur Pépé.

No, no, it's not Monsieur Pépé.

I getting him. You take.

- Me?

- Yes, it's Room Servicings.

Oh, I see. Yes.

Hello. Room Service.

There is a man in my bath...

- with no bottom...

- .and nothing on the other side.

And as I bent over...

she was standing there, starkers.

- When I pressed the thing...

- .and tried to plug it in...

sand shot out of it...

and soaked me from head to foot.

Now it won't work at all.

Just one moment, please.

Oh. Oh. Help.

Argh. Help.

Lovely night, anyway. Funny how

everything looks better

in the moonlight.

Pity we didn't have it

in our bathroom, then.

Oh, don't keep on

about it. How was I

to know we shared a

bathroom with her?

You need not have struck

up a conversation.

A gentleman would have

left immediately.

I was very embarrassed. I

didn't know which way to look.

You mean at which one.

Yeah... Oh, no,

this is ridiculous.

I bet you're always the same

abroad. You become an animal.

Right. There's only one way

to deal with that, then.

And where are you going?

To get myself doctored.

Ooh.

- Yoo-hoo. Hello, girls.

- Hello, Mr Tuttle.

I say, how about another

little game before dinner?

No, thanks, Mr Tuttle.

Come along, Marge.

Oh. Hey, I'll get you.

I think I'll get a breath of fresh

air before supper, Brother Martin.

Evening.

Hello there. Are you having one?

Yes, thanks. I'll have a

beer. What's it like?

Well, I cannae make up my mind

whether it's gnat's or cat's.

You're making me homesick.

Oh, no, Mr Tuttle. No more.

You're too old for it.

Oh, come on. You do enjoy it.

I don't.

Oh, just once more.

Bend over, dear.

All right, then, but

this is the last time.

Here I come.

Ooooh.

- Oh, please let me help you.

- Oh, thank you.

I can manage.

Oh, all right. I'd

like to apologise

for that wardrobe business.

Don't bother. I hope you

enjoyed what you saw.

Oh, yes. I mean...

Oh. Will you let go of me?

Here's your skirt.

Your skirt...

Oh, it wasn't his fault.

It was an accident.

I'll see to it.

Poor girls. I'll give them a hand.

I'm sure they can manage quite

well enough without your help.

Jings.

Get a load of that, then.

That's the best bet

of the lot, son.

How do you know?

Well, I got the old

green light, didn't I?

You did?

Begging for it... Pity.

Pity?

Makes it awkward. You know

what happened to her husband.

What did happen to him?

- Rat poison? She told you that?

- Why? Don't you believe her?

Oh, yes. I was just

thinking of her

first husband. Nasty business.

Why, what happened to him?

With an axe?

Next morning, they found him

dead in the swimming pool.

Hey, George. Give

us a large whisky.

Good evening. Good

evening, everybody.

And what a lovely one it is.

There he is now. Go on. Tell him.

Er... yes. Yes, dear.

Mr Farquhar, my wife...

That is, we...

Well, the fact is, we're not

altogether happy about the...

Well, that is...

Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley.

My husband is trying to

say that this is the most

appalling hotel in which

we have ever stayed.

Hear, hear.

Oh, no. Don't be like that.

We're the first guests

they've ever had.

They're bound to have

teething troubles.

More teething troubles than

a crocodile with pyorrhoea.

I am confident that

things will get better.

And they need to,

if I'm going to get

a shower every time I take a leak.

Now, now, I think

we'll all feel a lot

better when we've

had a good dinner.

Aargh.

I can't do with the

blooding thing.

If we are going to get any dinner.

Argh.

Why do we have to

have a coke stove?

Why can't we have

electric-tricity?

Santa Cecilia. How

many more times?

Because coke is more dependable

than the electricities.

But it don't burn. Look.

Mama, Mama.

All is needing is

methylating spirits.

Wait.

Watching.

So, cook. Cook.

Argh.

Excuse me, Monsieur Pépé.

We were wondering about

dinner. They're waiting.

I'm sorry, Mr Farki-Hars.

It's late, I know,

but we are having

troubles with the stove.

It's all cock, you see.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, and with no wind,

it is not burning.

Oh, you mean coke. Coke stove.

Yes, is right. Cock stove.

But not to worry.

Is all right now.

Soon you have first-class

number-nine dinners.

- Number nine? Oh, good.

- With free wines.

Excellent.

- I'll tell them.

- Giorgio.

Putting one bottle

on each table, with

the compliments of

the mismanagement.

Yes, Papa.

Mama, Mama. Hurry with the soups.

If you'd all like to

take your places.

You'll find the seats

clearly marked.

Yes, I'm three.

Here we are.

Ah, good evening,

ladies and gentlemens.

Bon appétits. Bon appétits.

Well, it seems we're

sitting with you.

Well, that's the luck of the draw.

I haven't been introduced.

My name is Blunt. Stanley Blunt.

This is the wife, Evelyn.

Delighted to meet you.

Vic?

Vic.

- What?

- How about an introduction?

What are you talking

about? You know me.

To Mr and Mrs Blunt.

Who are they? Oh.

How do you do? I'm

Vic. Vic Flange.

This is the wife. Don't laugh.

Oh. I'm with you.

That's nice.

I expect it's because

we're on our own.

Well, I'm not on my

own. I'm with Tuttle.

Oh, I see.

No, he's supposed to

sit here with us.

Oh, well, there is

safety in numbers.

I hope so.

- Vino.

- Ah, excellent. The wine.

"Spanish-type, Australian-French

Burgundy. Produce of Hong Kong."

Clumsy.

Beautiful wine for

a beautiful lady.

Well, was that supposed

to be a compliment?

You'd better taste the wine first.

Better watch it. He'll be

pinching your bottom next.

- Not for me, thank you.

- No? Don't drink?

I tried it once and

didn't like it.

Oh. Have a smoke?

I tried it once and

didn't like it.

Strange.

Not at all. My daughter

is just the same.

Your only child, I presume.

Oh. Just in the nick of.

Hello.

Hot soups.

Is good.

Better get in quick,

before it evaporates.

For what we are about to receive,

O Lord, make us truly thankful.

I don't think He could

have heard you.

Er... what is this?

Soups. What you are

calling Brown Bristols.

No, Windsor. Brown Windsor.

Yes, yes. Is good, no?

No, we expected some foreign food.

Foreign? That's

foreign. You are not

thinking we eating this rubbish?

Well, I hope you show more

imagination with the main dish.

Ah, that is specialities

of the house.

Ah.

Sausage, beans and chippings.

- Is that all?

- That's plenties.

But isn't there a choice?

Choice? Of course

you having choices.

You can having sausage

and chippings,

sausage and beans, or

beans and chippings.

That's choices.

Choices.

No, not again. Mama,

why are you not

using methylatings

like I am telling you?

Is no good.

Is... good.

Standing back. Look. Back.

What's happening?

This is not methylatings.

This is vinos.

Blooding fools.

Please excusings. There's

slight technical hitchings.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

let's open some windows.

Ow. Oh, I've been bitten.

Mosquitoes. Millions of 'em.

Well, everything is

all right now, no?

Who is opening the

blooding windows?

Floella. Giorgio.

Getting the flick.

What the hell is that?

Five o'clock.

It's five o'clock.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley...

Do you want something, dear?

Will you get out of bed and do

something about that

dreadful noise?

My head. It's splitting.

Oh, what a shocking noise.

Can you hear it, too?

Well, I'm not standing for that.

Come on. We might as

well get out of bed.

- Lily.

- What? Argh.

Vic. Vic.

Look up there.

- Moira.

- What is it?

Look out.

Oh, really. Haven't they ever

seen anyone washing before?

Monsieur Pépé, I want

a word with you.

Mr Farki-Hars. If it's

for complimenting

on breakfast, it was nothings.

Oh, you're so right.

It was nothings.

No, it's about all

this building noise.

It... it's all right,

Mr Farki-Hars.

Work is now stopped

till Monday morning.

Oh, well, that's one blessing.

I understanding, sir.

You like a peace.

No... not just at the

moment, thank you.

Peace and quiet. No noises.

Oh, yes. Yes, exactly.

Ah.

Welcome, sir. Are you

two on your own here?

- Yeah.

- Yes. What about it?

You like to meet

nice girls? Elsbels?

- Yeah, great.

- Certainly not.

What kind of a person does

he think I am, anyway?

I have never had such a night. I

am absolutely covered with bites.

What have you been up

to, you old devil?

Mosquito bites. Look.

Trouble with

mosquitoes-no taste. I

mean, they don't

care who they bite.

Well, they're eating

better than we are.

I think I'm going

up to change now.

And in the meantime, Stanley,

do something about our room.

I was cold in the night, and

there was no hot water.

The toilet doesn't flush.

That coffee is cold.

Oh, and that sun is too hot.

Apart from that, she's

having a great time.

Well, I think I'll just go up and

grab a bit of fun. Er... sun.

Bring my sun cream when you come.

All right, love.

Do you know, Mrs Flange, you're

an extremely handsome woman?

Really?

I might even go so far

as to say... desirable.

Fancy. Another roll?

Do you believe in free love?

I prefer bacon and eggs.

To rolls, I mean.

You're not answering my

question, Mrs Flange.

Not so fattening.

Do you believe in free love?

Well, I'm certainly

not paying for it.

Mr Blunt.

I'm sure your wife

wouldn't like that.

That's just it. She doesn't.

Yes, well, I think

I'll go to my room.

Good idea.

Five minutes?

Yes. Er... no. No, I'll...

I'll see you down here later.

What are you doing here?

I've just come to have a little

talk with you, that's all.

Well, I don't want to waste

time talking to you.

Good, cos I've only got

a couple of minutes.

- Oh, no, you don't.

- What's wrong?

I've got a bone to

pick with you, Vic.

Fine. I could do with a nibble.

I had a chat this morning

with Bert Conway.

What about it?

He said you told him I drowned my

first husband in a swimming pool.

You told him you poisoned

your second one.

Well, that was before I knew

he was the only available man.

Oh, have a heart. It wasn't my

fault my wife decided to come.

- Well, I didn't invite her.

- What did you tell Conway?

The truth. You know perfectly

well what my husbands were.

Yes. They were both firemen.

That's right, and both

of them died on the job.

- Oh, Sadie...

- Vic. Are you in the bathroom?

Oh, cor blimey. Get

back inside. Quick.

I... er... I think you

dropped something.

Good thing I came along, because

she mightn't have noticed.

Cora, Cora, just a minute.

I say, that's interesting,

Brother Bernard.

There are directions

for finding the tomb

of St Cecilia, the

founder of our order.

Oh, that's nice.

Isn't it? "It is believed to lie

in the middle of the island,

about five miles north

of the port of Elsbels."

If we follow them, I think

we might get somewhere.

Do you think we should?

Ah, well, that is what

we came for, isn't it?

Is it? I thought we were going

to find the tomb of St Cecilia.

That is what I am talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brother Martin. I

was thinking of something else.

If we made an early start, perhaps

we could have lunch

in the village.

- You fancy that, Brother Bernard?

- Not half.

- Well, let's get started, then.

- Are we going?

Of course. I've just said so.

Well, I'll just finish my coffee.

All right. We'll all meet in front

of the hotel in ten minutes' time.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yes, beautiful.

Come along, Nicholas. You

promised to help me do my hair.

Ah, push off.

I see.

Ahem.

Oh, hello.

Morning. I'd just

like to apologise

to your friend about her skirt.

Oh, forget it.

Why don't you get some clothes

off and get some sun?

- No, I couldn't do that.

- Are you really a clergyman?

- No, I'm a brother.

- Oh, you mean a monk?

Well, not exactly. It's an

order. We do missionary work.

Oh. Saving fallen

women and all that?

Well, that's part

of it, I suppose.

- How many have you saved?

- None. I've just joined.

Well, if you want to start

on us, you're too late.

I know that.

What I mean is, I'm

sure you're both

capable of taking

care of yourselves.

I haven't got much option here.

Would you do my back for me?

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Ooh, that's smashing.

Brother Bernard.

Oh, that moron.

Good morning, Mrs Blunt.

Oh.

- Stanley.

- Yes, my dear?

I'll have my chair over there.

Oh, Bert, you must tell me about

your hobby. I just

adore old prints.

Really?

Mm. I've got a couple of beauties.

- Yes, I noticed that.

- Oh, saucy.

There we are.

Now, how's that, dear?

No. Too much in the sun.

Oh. Excuse me.

Thank you. There we are.

Right.

Is that all right now, dear?

Too much in the shade.

Don't bother to ask me

if I'd like a chair.

I wasn't going to.

Oh, Cora, come here.

Don't be stupid.

Morning, everybody.

Hang on. Let me give you a hand.

Oh, I can manage, thank you.

Er... may I help you, Mrs Flange?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Blunt.

Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Good morning,

everybody. What a lovely day.

Oh. Well, yes, that's

right, enjoy the sunshine.

That's something

you can't muck up.

Ah, well, Wundatours especially

chose Elsbels for

a holiday weekend

because of its wonderful

sunshine record.

It's only a shower.

It'll clear up later.

It's probably raining in London.

Don't blame me. It wasn't my fault

we couldn't find

the wretched tomb.

Perhaps it got buried.

Of course it did.

It's underground.

Maybe we'll have

better luck tomorrow.

If we don't have to spend half the

day looking for a toilet for you.

Well, I couldn't help that.

After all, I'm only human.

Sometimes I doubt that very much.

Here, that was underground.

Do you suppose it could...

Well, it was just a thought.

Still raining, I'm afraid.

Oh, how I loathe excursions.

Traipsing round filthy foreign

markets, sitting in

sordid nightclubs.

Yes, well, I mean...

you don't have

to go if you don't

want to, do you?

I shall be quite all

right on my own.

Well, what else is there to do?

Sit around here, doing crosswords?

Well, it's getting on for seven.

Oughtn't you to be... you know?

I am waiting for you to go,

so that I can get dressed.

Hello.

I don't know why you

encourage that big nit.

Oh, he's nice.

I knew it was a

mistake coming here

with you. Anything in trousers.

Hark who's talking. Anyway,

he's not wearing trousers.

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Not at all, Mr Blunt.

I feel you're the

only person I've got

anything in common

with on this trip.

Well, thank you very

much. It's very

nice of you to say so, Mrs Flange.

Good. Now I've heard everything.

Well, thank goodness

it's stopped raining.

Right. Everyone here,

Miss Plunkett?

Yes, I think so.

What about your wife?

Oh, that's all right.

She's not coming.

She... she has a headache.

Makes a change from

a pain in the neck.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

All right, driver. Off we go.

- Have they gone?

- Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, lady.

Oh, how dare they. Where

is Monsieur Pépé?

Not here. They have gone

out for the evening.

What am I going to do? How could

Stanley do this to

me? How could he?

Er... just a minute, lady, please.

You like?

Champagne?

Yeah. Make you feel

very good. Very happy.

Oh, no, I never...

Yes.

All right, I will.

Thank you, Giorgio.

Good.

Excuse me, mister. You like

postcards? Very interesting.

Oh, yes. Miss Plunkett.

Didn't you want one

for your mother?

Yes.

Thank... Oh. Oh.

Any good?

No, I'm afraid they're

quite unsuitable.

Oh, are they naughty?

Do let me see.

Certainly not.

You filthy beast. Be off with you.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Plunkett.

I should have known better.

What can you do with

a man like that?

Nothing. But I know what you

can do with a man like me.

Mr Flange, may I remind you

you have your wife here?

Yeah. That's what you can

do with a man like me.

Oh, Bert, you mustn't.

It's much too expensive.

Nonsense. Here, let

me put it on for you.

Oh, thank you.

You've got to have

the bracelet, too.

Oh, no, I mustn't.

Oh, come on. Let me

put it on for you.

Oh, there you go.

- All right?

- It's beautiful.

You know, I could buy

everything here.

Oh, look at this lovely lace set.

Oh, very nice.

Here. Let me put it...

No, thanks. You've

bought me quite enough.

I wonder what this is.

Santa Cecilia's Elixir.

Oh, some local quack

medicine, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. Is not

medicine. Is for I'amoura.

Pardon?

Liqueur... for making

plenty of passion.

Get away.

Yeah. You try, sir. Is good.

Drink it. Drink it.

Anything happened?

Oh. I wonder what that place is.

The one with the

red light outside.

Oh... er... I expect that's

the local fire station.

Well, there are girls in there.

Mm? Oh, I expect they're

the fire belles.

Oh, Stanley, you're so witty.

Oh. Look.

Woo-hoo.

Hello.

Come in. It's nice inside.

Come and have some fun.

Come on. Boy. Come in.

That was a delicious

meal, Giorgio. Perfect.

And for a perfectly

delicious lady.

Do you know, I'm glad I

missed that horrid bus now.

I too am glad.

♪ Romantic music ♪

May I, please?

Well, it's been some

time since I...

Yes, please.

Well, here we all are.

Everybody enjoying themselves?

No.

- Oh. Well, how about you?

- No.

Well, never mind. It's

the nightclub soon.

What have you done with my wife?

Me? I'm afraid I haven't

the foggiest idea.

Don't give me that. She's with

that twit Blunt, isn't she?

I really don't know, Mr Flange.

Oh, there's Miss Plunkett.

Perhaps she'll know.

- Miss Plunkett.

- Coming, Mr Farquhar.

Let's see. How many

more are we to come?

I'm not leaving without my wife.

Yes, all right, Mr

Flange. All right.

Dirty pig. You insult

my fine ladies.

We were only playing leapfrog.

Porco. Pig.

Oh, that settles it.

Charge.

Oh. No. Mr Tuttle.

- They'll kill him.

- We'd better get in there quick.

That's the best idea

I've heard today.

Wait for me.

Mr Tuttle's in there.

- What's going on?

- Oh, your husband's in there.

- What?

- With Mr Conway and Mr Tuttle.

Oh, well, he's coming

right out of there.

Put him down. Get off, will you?

If you please.

Nicholas. Nicholas, come

back. You'll get hurt.

Please. Let him go.

Oh, shove off. Rescue

somebody else.

Oh, get off.

Get off him.

No, come away. Listen,

dear. Come away.

Oh, dear. Oh.

Get off.

Excuse me.

Argh. No. Aargh.

Good morning, ladies

and gentlemen.

Please. Please.

One at a time, gentlemen. No?

Yes. Please, let me

handle this. All right?

It doesn't do to

antagonise these fellows.

Now, then, to start off with,

I feel I should point out

that we are all British subjects.

I know, and you have

my deepest sympathy.

Yes, quite. Well, I

don't want to make

an international

incident out of this.

That is most kind of you, sir.

But I must protest most strongly

about being detained in this way.

Naturally, sir.

I realise you were only doing

what you thought to be your duty,

and, provided you

release us immediately,

I think I can safely promise you

you will hear no more about it.

Oh, that is a most

kind gesture, sir.

I think we can safely make it.

And now I will show you that I too

can make an appropriate gesture.

Yes?

Damned filth.

How dare you? Do you

know what you just did?

Well, that is a fine old

British gesture, no?

You've tried my patience

too far. I know

about you people.

Give them a uniform,

and they go power mad.

Well, I'm not going to

bandy words with an

idiotic, jumped-up popinjay

like you any more.

I demand to see the

Chief of Police.

I am the Chief of Police.

You're doing well.

Let me try.

Chiefy.

We know we're in a

spot of bother, but

things can be

arranged, can't they?

Indeed, sir.

Well, just tell us the charges

and we'll sort something out.

With pleasure, sir.

You are charged with disturbing

the peace, damage to property,

and, most important

of all, assault

upon the girls of Madame Fifi,

thus resulting in a most

serious loss of business.

That's ridiculous. You know

very well they assaulted us.

Oh, indeed, sir?

Surely you don't doubt

our word against

that of an old boiler

that runs a bro...

er... broken-down boarding house?

Madame Fifi is my sister.

Pass. Next, please.

Let me have a go.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

What can you do?

Well, at least I can be

a little cooperative.

Excuse me. Could I

have a word with you?

Oh, but of course.

Please go ahead.

It's rather personal. Is there

somewhere a little more private?

Mm, with pleasure.

This way, please.

12:30. She's been

gone for three hours.

Well, what could they do to her?

Oh, you don't know

these foreign police.

I knew a girl once.

They got her in

there and shaved all her hair off.

Well, I'm sure she's not

having it off... Or am I?

With the compliments of

the Chief of Police.

Hey, what a feast.

We're not getting out. Though.

With grub like this, who wants to?

Miss Plunkett. Are you all right?

Why, yes. I think so, Mr Farquhar.

You swine. What have

you been doing to her?

Don't tell him.

Do not worry, Mr Farquhar.

I wish to tell you that

you are free to go.

Don't you dare threaten me.

I'll... Free to...? Oh.

If you are prepared to

pay for the damages.

Then I am not going

to bring any charges.

Just when I was enjoying myself.

Welcoming back, ladies

and gentlemens.

Tonight I am making for

you great ravings-up,

for cheerings-up and

raising the low spirits.

No?

Erm... have you seen

my wife anywhere?

No, sirs.

Giorgio, you seeing Mrs Blunt?

Not since this morning.

Well, is our room key there?

Oh, no, sir. Is gone.

Giorgio, did you give it to her?

Not half, Papa.

"Liquera por I'amoura."

Let's have a go.

Oh, there you are, Stanley.

All right, all right.

I'll do all the talking.

It was all my fault. I told them

to leave without you last night,

and what's more, I'm

damn glad that I did it.

Oh, so am I, dear.

Have some champagne.

I don't care about... Champagne?

It's wonderful stuff, Stanley.

What are you talking about?

Didn't you hear what I said?

It was all my fault that

you were left behind.

All right, dear. I forgive you.

I don't want to be forgiven.

Then what do you want, dear?

I want to bloody well

assert my manhood.

Oh, splendid, Stanley.

All right, then.

What is it, dear?

I've forgotten what you do.

I'm furious. Absolutely

beside myself.

Yeah. Best place for you.

Look, I'm warning you, Nicholas.

If you take that little strumpet

to the party, I shall...

I shall take my ankle

bracelet back.

Besides, you've never worn it.

Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.

For the last time, Bert Conway,

will you please get

out of my room?

What's wrong? Why won't you

come to the party with me?

Because you only want

one thing from me.

That's not true. I'm quite

happy to have the lot.

Don't you understand? I don't want

just a quick roll in the hay.

I need something

that's going to last.

Who says it's not

going to last? We

don't go home till

tomorrow afternoon.

Get out. Get out.

- Get out.

- No, no...

- Don't you dare come back.

- No, I was just...

Can I believe my ears?

You see nothing wrong or sinful

in taking this girl to the party?

Well, I don't know if it's going

to be sinful until I try.

Isn't it enough that

you got into a fight

over her? You spent

the night in prison.

Oh, no, I want far more than that.

What?

Er... I mean... I...

I like her well enough

to... get married.

Brother Bernard...

aren't you forgetting?

You are promised to our order.

You are going to be

wedded to St Cecilia.

Yes, but from what I saw

of her in the tomb...

I don't think she'll

make a very good wife.

Carnival Night. Champagne punches.

Now he's the Richard

Burton of Elsbels.

Listen, Floella, Mamas. I only

trying to send them

home happilies.

We wanting them to

remember this holidays.

Oh, they'll remember

it, all right.

The only hotel with a night

in prison thrown in.

Is not my fault.

Getting on with the work,

and shutting cakehole.

♪ Cocktail music ♪

- Good evening.

- How do you do?

Well, well, the fun's

really started?

Oh. Ah, this is

splendid, isn't it?

Oh, Monsieur Pépé has really

surpassed himself

with this buffet.

Yeah. Pity none of it's eatable.

Oh, I don't know... Come,

come. It's really quite good.

Moira, dear, a lot depends on the

report they give

when they get back.

For goodness' sake, do

something to brighten it up.

Whoopee.

Oh, food. I could do with some,

after all that romping about.

- Vic, I think I'd like a roll.

- Great. Let's go upstairs.

- I mean a sausage roll.

- Oh.

Ladies and gentlemens,

champagne punchings.

Ho-ho. Helping selves.

Well, thank you, Monsieur

Pépé. What a splendid idea.

I'll get them. You

finish your sandwich.

Personally, I've always found

Scotland very exciting.

The swirl of the

kilt, the sporran.

Like to try the punch, love?

Oh, might as well, I suppose.

That's my girl.

- Is it any good?

- I bleeding hope so, mate.

Oooh.

Hello, Mr Tuttle. How

lovely to see you again.

Cor. It's nice to

see so much more of

you, Mrs Tomkins. May

I call you Sadie?

So...

Would you care for

a glass of punch?

Oh, I'd love some.

- I'll get it.

- Oh, thank you.

Ah, good evening, gentlemens.

Please, having good times,

and letting hairs down.

Maybe a little champagne

punchings, yes?

Oh, could we, Brother Martin,

as it's our last night?

Oh, well, perhaps it won't do

any harm. But only one, mind.

Thank you.

At least it might help to

wash down that wretched food.

Get stuffings.

- Sorry I'm late, love.

- It's all right.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Manners.

Manners yourself.

Thank you, Brother Paul.

All gone.

Don't tell me they

enjoy the party.

Enjoying it? It's

going like bombs.

♪ Latin American party music ♪

All right?

Hey. More champers. Good old Pépé.

Or is it Mario?

Is good punchings, yes?

Splendid. Splendid.

And while we're on the subject of

quality, I want you to know, Pépé,

this is without

doubt the crummiest

hotel I've ever stayed in.

Pépé. Pépé.

Pépé, come quick.

- What's the mattering with her?

- She sounds distressed.

She's probably tried

some of her own cooking.

Is eating like a pig.

All right, all right. Is coming.

She's tried her own cooking.

Don't try any of your cooking.

- What's the mattering? Mices?

- Look.

Santa Cecilia.

I say. You seem to

have sprung a leak.

I knew it was mistakes to

build on dry river beds.

No wonder company

getting land so cheap.

Don't just stand

there. Do somethings.

What can I doing?

Plug it. Oh, plug it.

Oh, I say, I say.

Watch the language.

I make like little boy in

Hollands. I sticking thing in.

Oh. He'll need an

awfully large thing.

That's it. I've done it.

I'm sure the little Dutch

boy didn't do it like that.

Oh, Monsieur Pépé, you're

wetting your trousers.

Wouldn't you in the

same situations?

Oh, come on, Stuart. We're

missing all the fun.

Oh, yes. Excuse us, Monsieur Pépé.

I'm sure we can rely on

you to keep your end up.

♪ Rolling home, rolling home ♪

- Hooray.

- Here.

Now give us 'Twas On

The Good Ship Venus.

I'm sorry, but I don't

know the music.

Oh, our lovely hostess.

- A drink for our hostess.

- I don't want drink, thank you.

Nonsense. You must have a drink.

Everybody must have a

drink with Floella.

Hear, hear.

Phew, it's hot.

Would you like to go onto

the terrace for some air?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

♪ Romantic music ♪

Ah, come on.

Stopping the music.

Stopping the musics.

Helpings. Not dancing. Helpings.

Please, helping, someone.

- What?

- Doh.

Giorgio. Giorgio, help. The water

is getting underneath the...

- Please. We were talking.

- Sorries.

- Now, where was I?

- About your 'amsters.

Oh, yes, 'amsters. No. Hamsters.

You'd never believe it,

but... 11 times in one night.

Is unbelievable.

Oh, yes, it is. But you see,

they're always escaping.

I say, if I were to tell you...

Please, Mr Conways. I am

worried about the foundations.

Oh, that's all right.

She's not wearing any.

No, no, in case they

are falling out.

Oh, don't you worry, son. If

they do, I'll stuff 'em back in.

Why is nobody listening?

Mr Blunts, you look like a man

who is ready to do somethings.

Funny you should say that. I

was just telling the wife.

Oh, Stanley. He's trying to get

me upstairs, Monsieur Pépé.

No, no, I show you.

On the kitchen floor.

I say, steady on, old chap.

Remember, we're British.

I don't know, though. Wow.

Oh.

Oh. Please, Mr Flange,

you coming with me.

- Where to?

- We're having a leak.

I don't want one.

No, we're having one

below. I show it to you.

- He doesn't want to see it.

- You're mad. Crazy.

I always knew he was a flash type.

Ah, Mr Farki-Hars.

Ah, Monsieur Pépé.

Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm having a smashing

time. I'm having a ball.

Oh, I'm not doing

so badly, myself.

Mr Farki-Hars, you should

be going upstairs.

Don't be disgusting.

Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Oh, I'm not standing

any more. All you

English ever thinking

about is sex.

Oh. Nonsense.

What's that? Excusings.

These foreigners. They're

so damned excitable.

They're mad.

How about it? Shall

we go upstairs?

Why not?

Helps.

You mads.

- Good night, old boy.

- Good night. Goodbyes.

He's drunk again.

Well, now, Monsieur Pépé.

What was it you wanted

to talk to me about?

Oh, Mr Tuttles, thank you

very much. Thank you. Help.

How about it, love?

Want a nightcap?

No, thanks. I couldn't

take another drop.

Right. Let's go upstairs.

I say, old chap. Do

you need any help?

Help? Why should I need helpings?

I'm having funs.

I say, Stanley. There's a hole.

So there is. That's bad, isn't it?

No, no, not to

worrying. It's mices.

We having very big mices here.

- I think we'd better go to bed.

- That's a rather good idea.

Monsieur Pépé, I may have

to complain about this.

They didn't tell us

that you had mices.

Yes, all right. You

complaining about the

mices... and the whole

hotel is falling down.

Can we go up now, Bert?

It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem

to be breaking up, anyway.

Open the windows, love, and

let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good

idea. Won't be long.

I forgot.

They put the bloody glass in.

It's going to be a bit

of a tight squeeze.

Room for one on top?

Standing room only.

Oh, God. I give up.

No, no. Come on.

You're not getting off

the hook that easily.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, it's all right,

Bert. You can come in.

Jings. What's going on out there?

Bert? Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders.

That does it. Everybody out.

Everyone out. Abandoning hotel.

Evacuating. Everybody leaving.

Abandon the hotel. Leaving.

Out. Out. Out.

I don't know where we are.

I can't see where we are.

Where the hell are we?

Cor. Get off.

- How do you do?

- Hello, Harry. Usual?

Yes, please. Here, I

know what I meant

to ask. How did the holiday go?

Oh, great. Went with a bang. Had a

smashing time, didn't we, love?

Yes, I can honestly say I've

never had one quite like it.

- What... what's the joke, then?

- Private.

Oh, hey, private. Cheers.

Yee-agh. Wey.

Could I have another

one, please? Thank you.

Ha-ha. Well, here we are, then.

Come on in.

- Hello, my darling.

- Hello. Isn't he here, Vic?

Of course he is. I promised

to look after him. Stu.

- Somebody to see you.

- Oh, you.

Moira.

Right, well, what's

it to be, then?

I'll tell you what. Champagne cup.

And put a drop of

this in it, will you?

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

Oh, no. Lock all the doors.

Time. Gentlemen. Please.