Carry On at Your Convenience (1971) Movie Script

♪ Three old ladies

locked in the lavatory ♪

Four matching pairs.

Blue and green washbasins

for Carter's, Aberdeen.

Check.

Two princess suites

complete with stainless

steel fittings for

Gerling's, London.

- Check.

- Six white, top-flushing urinals.

Stand-up ones?

Is there any other sort?

I only asked. Funny

things happen these days.

Six white top-flushing urinals,

regular design. For

the YWCA, Wigan.

One matching pair...

The YWCA? Hey, you're right. Funny

things do happen these days.

Well, Miss Withering, how

does it feel? Comfortable?

Yes, I think so, Mr Boggs.

Good, good. Comfort before beauty.

That's what I always say.

It's a bit big in

the bowl, I think.

It is only two centimetres

more than our last

model, and I'm sure we

shan't fall out over that.

It's falling in I'm worried about.

No, no. I like your

overall design, Mr Coote.

Oh, thank you, sir.

May I get off now, please?

Of course, Miss Withering. Thank

you. You've been most patient.

Yes. Like Job on a monument.

And what a monument. Ha-ha.

We must make sure the catch is

strong enough to support the seat.

- Do you mind if I try it, WC?

- No, go ahead. Yes, do.

Yes. I don't think I could stand

it for more than half an hour.

It was hardly designed

for a reading room.

Look. Look at this. Very slender,

this pedestal, isn't it?

It's streamlined.

What for? Wind resistance? Ha-ha.

In any case, the

thickness has nothing

whatsoever to do with

the tensile strength.

I hope you're right, Mr Coote.

I have had bitter

experience of what

happens when one of

these collapses.

Or rather my poor dear

wife had. Rest her soul.

I can assure you, sir, an elephant

could safely use that toilet.

Not without a much bigger bowl.

We can't afford to take

any chances, Mr Coote.

No. Dependability before

beauty, I always say.

Miss Withering, if you wouldn't

mind. Just one more time.

This time, my dear, come down on

it like a ton of bricks. Boom.

So far, so good.

Now, if you'd just bump

up and down a bit.

Excellent. Excellent.

Bump. Bump.

Things that go... in

the night. Ha-ha-ha.

One matching pair of what?

- Beauts.

- One matching pair of...

- Hello, Myrt, love.

- Oh, hello, Vic.

How about it this afternoon, then?

Not standing up.

No, sitting down. I've got

these grandstand tickets.

The kick-off's at three o'clock.

It should be a special match.

Three o'clock. Ooh, how can we?

We'll be working till five thirty.

I wouldn't bet on that,

if I were you. And

I'll take you out for

a bit of supper.

Ooh.

Hello, Myrtle. Got a

cup of tea for me?

Sorry, Bernie. No

more floor service.

What do you mean no

more floor service?

New rule. Drinks

only to be served in

the canteen during

official breaks.

Well, that's what I call

taking a diabolical liberty.

And that's something

you know all about.

- Ha-ha.

- Do you mind? Do you mind?

Don't you worry. I won't let

them get away with this.

That's all right, Vic. I didn't

really want a cup anyway.

Whether you want one or

not is beside the point.

This constitutes an infringement

of the workers' rights.

Oh. Old tinder bottom's off again.

Another blooming

strike, I suppose.

Oh, no. What's it for?

You know our Vic. He never

has known what it's for.

- Ooh.

- Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Boggs.

That's quite all

right, Miss Plummer.

I should have sounded my hooter.

There he is. Old silver

spoon. At it again.

Oh, give over, Vic. He can't

help being the boss's son.

Privileged class, sitting on

his... That's what he is.

Privileged class? Do you know what

the girls call him? Pencil doings.

That's how privileged he is.

Morning, all.

Morning, Mr Boggs.

I'd er... I'd like to see you for

a few moments, please, Mr Lewis.

All right. Make it quick, Spanner.

I'm already late for a meeting.

It has come to my notice

that a new rule has

been introduced without

consultation with me,

as a shop steward, to

the effect that tea may

no longer be served

outside the canteen.

Right. I made it.

Oh. Well, then. As the union's

appointed representative,

I wish to lodge the

strongest protest.

It is an infringement

of workers' rights.

- Oh, come off it, Spanner.

- I can show you right here.

- What's that?

- The NUCIE rule book.

Oh, I see. They're making

rules about that now.

N-U-C-I-E. NUCIE, Mr

Lewis. The Nation

Union of Chinaware

Industrial Employees.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You know what

you can do with their rule book.

What's that?

Let me give you a clue.

These pages are

just about the same

size as our toilet-paper holders.

Now do you get the idea?

Great, big, steaming,

public-school nit.

All right, everyone.

You all heard him.

Direct aggravation of

a genuine grievance.

- Stop work.

- Everybody out.

There you are. What

did I tell you?

Meeting in the canteen in ten

minutes. Tell everyone, Bernie.

Right. Meeting in the

canteen... When was it?

Ten minutes.

Meeting in ten minutes'

time... Where was it?

In the canteen.

- Meeting in ten minutes' time...

- All right, they know.

Oh, excuse me.

Lewis, my boy. It's all right.

We're just discussing the new

Princess Beatrice

suite. Come on in.

Oh, I see.

There we are.

Please don't get up,

Miss Withering.

But I want to get up, Mr Lewis.

What do you think of it, my boy?

Rather elegant, wouldn't you say?

Yes.

But I thought we were going

to modernise our stuff,

and I thought we were going to

include a bidet in our new range.

Oh, yes. I designed one,

but Mr Boggs sat on it.

On the idea, I mean.

I do not think

bidets are quite us.

But, Dad, all our competitors

are making them.

I dare say, but I didn't

think the high cost of

production coupled with

the limited demand...

Limited demand? But I

told you about that

enquiry from abroad

for 1,000 of them.

I know, my boy, but

I don't think that

my dear grandfather

would have approved

of the name Boggs being

associated with such an article.

Oh, Mr Plummer. Can't

you persuade him?

Quite frankly, I don't

see the use of 'em. It's

easy enough to wash

your feet in the bath.

Bidets are not for

washing your feet in.

What else? Are they for

dogs to drink out of?

No.

Get away. Well, if it's

for that, then, you can

always stand on your

head under the shower.

Lewis. Lewis, my boy.

Can you hear anything?

No.

- Neither can I.

- Well, that's all right, then.

No, it's not all right.

They've stopped work.

I tell you, brothers.

It is time we made a stand.

It is time the bosses learnt that

they can't mess the worker about.

- What do you say?

- Down with 'em.

That's right. Down with 'em.

It is up to us to show

the bloated bureaucrats

that they can't grind

our faces in the dust.

- What do you say?

- Down with 'em.

That's right. You see, brothers,

this issue isn't just over when

or when not you can have a cuppa.

Oh. No.

This ruling is another blow

aimed at the fundamental

rights of the worker.

Hear hear.

It's another little

prod at the very

vitals of your personal freedom.

I haven't noticed anyone

prodding at my vitals.

Good for you, Chloe.

Ready for you any time, Chloe.

Yes. All right, then.

Quiet, please.

Thank you, Mrs Moore.

But I seem to remember

that you got very upset

when they banned you

women from wearing

trousers. What do you say to that?

Down with 'em.

Cheeky, Bernie.

I didn't mean down

with the trousers.

Anyway, brothers, I am now calling

for an immediate stoppage of work,

pending reinstatement

of the tea rounds.

Now, then, all those in favour,

raise your right hands.

Count 'em, Bernie.

Are you in favour?

Of course I am, you fool.

Oh, well, er...

Well, that makes two.

Well, that's that.

Mind if we get back to work, then?

Would you wait just one

more minute, please?

I would like to make

one last appeal

to your reason and common sense.

I'll call for one more

vote. And, in doing

so, I would like you

all to bear in mind

the fact that the Rovers are

playing at home this afternoon

and the kick-off's

at three o'clock.

Right? All those in favour?

Count 'em, Bernie.

There we are.

Trouble.

Well, well, well. Never

saw so many people

wanting to leave the

room at the same time.

I have to inform you,

Mr Plummer. It has

just been decided

by a majority vote

that unless the tea

rounds are brought

back, there will be

an immediate walkout.

Oh, yes. We're playing at home

this afternoon, aren't we?

You're not going to let

them get away with this?

Leave it to me, Mr Lewis.

Now, look, Spanner. Let's

be sensible about this.

You know very well that

our extra tea rounds

were laid on by the

management as a privilege.

So doing away with them hardly

breaks any union rules.

Ah. That's just where you're

wrong, and I quote...

Section M, page 154, paragraph

79b, treatment of the workers.

"Action may be taken

if at any time the

management fails to provide

adequate facilities

for catering to the

workers' natural needs."

Natural needs?

Drinking is a natural

need, is it not?

So's sex, but that doesn't mean

they have to lay on crumpet.

Very funny, Mr

Plummer. Very funny.

We want to know if

you are prepared

to reinstate the tea rounds.

You know very well I can't do

that, but, as works foreman,

I'll see that your

complaint is passed

on to the management. All right?

No, I'm afraid not. We need

a more positive guarantee.

- Why don't we talk about it?

- No. I'm damned if we will.

Mr Lewis, please.

No. Now, listen to me, all of you.

Oh, blimey.

You may not understand

what it means, but

since I've been working

in this factory,

I have made a time

and motion study.

I know what it means,

Mr Lewis. And if you've

got the time, I've

certainly got the motion.

And don't think I hadn't

noticed it, Mrs Moore.

Especially in your main

production department.

Oh, you cheeky devil.

Anyhow, I'd like to try and

show you how it works.

She knows how it

works. I promise you.

Mr Lewis, we are

evading the issue.

Are we or are we not going

to get what we want?

That's up to Mrs Moore.

I mean on the factory floor.

Not ruddy likely.

All right. That's enough fun.

Now, let's get down to business.

Sounds just like my old man.

All right, all right.

In this factory. 166 extra mugs of

tea are served in

the average week.

Now, on the basis that

one worker has to make

a trip to the toilet for

every pint consumed,

this means that he makes

16 trips in one day.

Poor devil. He must

have a weakness.

No, not quite, Mr Hulke. It means

that, allowing for an average time

of four and a half minutes

for each trip to the toilet,

72 minutes are lost in each day.

Which equals 15 hours lost going

to the toilet in one week.

You see?

- So what is the answer?

- Tie a knot in it.

Quite. But a less painful

solution, in my opinion,

was simply to cut out

the extra tea rounds.

Doesn't that make sense?

Just one moment, please, Mr Lewis.

Am I to understand, then, that

the management want the workers

to stop going to the

loo, when they want to?

I didn't say that exactly.

You just want to cut down on the

number of trips they want to make?

Well, yes. That's it. Exactly.

I thought so. It is a clear

case of restrictive practise.

Right into it.

Everybody out.

Fine mess I made of that.

It would have been simpler to

have done what they wanted.

I'm like you. I don't

give in easily.

You'll have to, if you

want them back tomorrow.

Yes, I know.

Well, it gives us a

free afternoon, anyway.

Yes... Us?

We'll have a run out

into the country and

something to eat at a

little pub I know.

Sorry, I'm busy.

I'll pick you up at the

Odeon at half past two.

Lewis, it's no use.

And try not to be late.

There's no waiting there.

Ah, Spanner.

Thanks a lot. I

thought we were going

to have to work this afternoon.

Dead worried, I was.

But what about your

loss of production?

Who cares? Think of the

wages we're saving.

What's up with him,

then? He's gone potty.

On the contrary. I think he's

learning some sense at last.

Saving on the wages...

What's he on about?

Anyway, are you all right

for this afternoon?

Oh, er... no, I don't

think so. Thanks, Vic.

I promised to help Mum

with a few things.

- What, instead of the football?

- Yeah. Funny girl, aren't I?

Oh, hey. She's gone potty an' all.

Saving on the wages...

Excuse the rush, but I've

got a lot to do. Bye.

Lot to do...

I wish I had a lot to do.

Don't we all? Thanks

for the lift, Sid.

All right. See you

down the pub tonight?

I doubt it. The lord

and master is home.

- Then you'll have plenty to do.

- You must be joking.

Fred is strictly a

Saturday-nighter.

What a shocking waste.

Oh, get you. You never

stop, I suppose.

Only to fill my pipe.

That'll do, saucy.

Oh, hello, Fred.

Sid just gave me a lift home.

- Oh.

- I hope that's all he gave you.

Fred.

I thought you were

having a canteen lunch.

That little twerp Spanner

organised another walkout.

Another strike? How can I sell our

products if you don't make 'em?

What are you so surprised about?

It's only the 13th this year.

Cor. What's it all

about this time?

I suppose you could call it the

take in and put out figures.

Take in and put out figures?

Technically known as

the T and P figures.

Sid.

I'm glad you both find

it so very funny.

Yeah.

There's always trouble

at the works.

We seem to be having it once a

week, as regular as clockwork.

I thought that's how you liked it.

Come on, Fred. I'll get

you something to eat.

I could do with a bit.

Spoken like a true man.

Come on.

That's all I need.

A face full of sodding knickers.

Eugh.

Nice Joey. Pretty Joey.

Pretty little boy, then.

Nice little boy, then.

Who's a nice little boy?

Say, hello, Mummy.

Hello, Mummy. Hello,

Mummy. Go on. Say it.

Hello. Mummy.

Look what Mummy's got for him.

A nice little toy.

A nice little toy for

a clever little boy.

Ta, Mummy. Ta, Mummy.

- Ta, Mummy.

- Gorblimey.

Can't you give that poor

bleeding bird a rest?

It's the only way you can get

him to talk, chatting to them.

Chatting, yes. Not

nagging him to death.

We've had him nearly a year now.

He really ought to say something.

He would if he could get

a word in edgeways.

You've had me for 25 years

and I still have trouble.

If only he'd give a little chirp

now and then, that'd be something.

He really ought to make

some sort of noise.

- How about some dinner?

- Oh, no. He's got plenty to eat.

For me. Not for him.

Haven't you had anything, then?

No. Didn't Myrtle tell you

there's another strike on?

She rushed upstairs

to wash her hair. I

wondered why she was

home lunch time.

- Now you know, don't you?

- Did you hear that, Joey?

All those naughty men

are on strike again.

Yes. Naughty men. Naughty men.

- How about something to eat?

- I've had something.

For me. For Pete's sake.

Oh.

Well, I could make you some

beans on toast, I think.

No. Nothing elaborate, thank you.

Mummy's just going to get

Daddy some din-dins.

And you'll be all right till

I get back? Will you, then?

Of course he'll be

all bloody right.

What do you think he's going to

do? Chuck himself into his drink?

He doesn't like being left

alone. It upsets him.

And when he gets upset,

he dirties his cage.

She spoils you to budgery.

You know that?

What do you think your daddy's

got for you today, then?

A honey ring.

Yes.

What have you got to

say to that, then?

Ta, Daddy.

Come on, mate. You can talk to me.

Ta.

My washing's all over

the floor in there.

Here, what are you doing to him?

- Nothing.

- Oh, yes, you are.

What's nasty Daddy been

doing to him, then?

Nasty Daddy just bought him

a honey ring, that's all.

Are you going to report

me to the RSPCA?

Oh. Did the nasty man buy him

a horrid old honey ring?

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

How do you expect

him to talk if you

keep stuffing him up with food?

One lousy honey ring won't

stop him from talking.

If I thought that, I'd have bought

you a crate of 'em years ago.

Oh. Never mind.

Mummy will take the nasty

thing away. There.

That cost me a pint of beer.

- Now look what's happened.

- What? What?

Well, he's done something.

Here. Hold this.

Never mind, Joey.

Mummy will make it

nice and clean again.

Yes, she will. Little Joey.

He's after you, you know.

Who?

Sid Plummer.

What?

Oh, Fred, you must be joking.

What do you mean he's after me?

I can tell. You can't be

a commercial traveller

without knowing when a

bloke's on the make.

I should know. I mean, I've

seen the others at it.

Just because he gives

me a lift home?

It's the way he looks at you.

Not that I can blame him.

You ask for it, flashing

your legs and... things

- all over the place.

- What?

Well, I mean, look at

'em. Like two bald-headed

convicts trying to

burst out of jail.

Fred, you're jealous.

Me? I wouldn't be seen dead with

a couple of things like that.

I mean, of Sid.

Don't you realise he's

at a dangerous age?

At that age, a bloke will

try almost anything.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I didn't mean that.

I get very worried about

you, me being away so much.

Fred, do you really think I'd want

to play around with anyone else

when I've got a smashing bloke

like you to play around with?

I know women.

When there's no prime beef handy,

they'll make do

with any scrag end.

Well, then, you want to

make sure that there is

plenty of prime beef when

I need it. Don't you?

Steady on. I've just

pressed these trousers.

- Take them off, why don't you?

- What, in the middle of the day?

I've got the rest of the day off.

Don't you realise, there's a

time and a place for everything.

Well, if you've got the

time, I've got the place.

What, before tea?

Thanks, Bernie. Want

to go to the game?

Do you...

Hello, Mrs Spanner. Are

you all right, then?

Stop that bloody row. Shut up.

- What did she say?

- Turn that thing off.

Turn it off.

Just a minute, I'll turn this

off. Now, what did you say?

Turn... Turn it off.

- It is off.

- I know it is.

Do you want a stand

ticket for the game?

Yes, please.

All right. Pick me

up at half past two.

And, Vic...

I just want to say that I think

you handled the men marvellous.

Oh, yes. Well, er... it's just a

natural gift that,

you know, Bernie?

Some men are born with the

qualities of leadership.

I don't agree with what

the blokes are saying.

What's that, then?

That you're a miserable

little leader.

Size has got nothing

to do with it.

I think you'd better get going.

And don't you worry, Vic.

They'll laugh the other

side of their faces...

when you're prime minister.

Good for nothing, little

sod. Just like his

bloody old father, may

he rest in pieces.

Well, well, well. If it isn't

my dear, sweet, old mum.

Don't come slobbering over me. I'm

busy. I'll tell you another thing.

Tell that halfwitted

giant if he brings

that motorbike round here again,

I'm going to kick

him where it hurts.

Mum, please.

This is a respectable and

refined neighbourhood.

And don't you bloody

well forget it.

How can I, when you keep

reminding me of it so nicely?

Oh, shut up and sit down,

or you'll be late for your work.

Oh, er... We er...

Erm... we don't have to go

back this afternoon, Mum.

You've started another

bloody strike, haven't you?

Haven't you? You

have, haven't you?

The men had a grievance, and as

their appointed representative,

I could not let them

be ground underfoot.

Crap.

Mum, please. I am working there

for the good of the workers.

You never did a day's work in your

life. You're like

your bloody father.

My father was a victim of the

capitalist-ridden society.

Your father was a victim

of the gin-ridden society,

and if I hadn't taken in

lodgers, where would we be now?

I pay my way.

Oh, yes. I forgot about that.

Yes. I've been wondering what

I'd do with your £4 this week.

Take myself to the

Bahamas, perhaps.

If me and my money

aren't welcome here...

Oh, sit down on your

backside and shut up.

If you spent more time

sitting on it and less

time talking through it,

we might get somewhere.

Now, we've got to feed

the poor, bloody,

hard-working strikers, haven't we?

There you are.

- Cold sausages.

- What?

You're spoiling me, aren't you?

Giving it to me 15

times in one week.

Cooee.

I'm in the dining room, Mr Coote.

Oh, hello.

There you are. Lunch is all ready.

Unless you want to

wash your hands first.

I think I can wait until

after. Thank you, Mrs Spanner.

- Good. You sit here, Mr Coote.

- Oh, yes.

I've put a clean napkin

in your ring for you.

Ooh. You're much too

good to me, Mrs Spanner.

Not at all. I'm only too glad

to have a real gentleman

in the house, for a change.

Ever since my poor dear husband

passed on, I've

missed it, you know?

I'm sure you have.

How's Victor?

All right.

- I've got your favourite today.

- You haven't.

I have. Nice hot steak

and kidney pie.

Oh, dear Mrs Spanner.

- You spoil me, you do.

- Not at all.

You really do.

You a nice clean boy again, then?

What's he going to say? Ta, Mummy?

Ta, Mummy. Ta, Mummy.

Talk about a non-stop performance.

I thought he was going to talk.

His beak opened and closed.

- No.

- Yes.

Fancy that.

A bird opening and

closing its beak.

We'll have to write

to the newspapers.

Well, it's a start. Generally, he

just sits there doing nothing.

He's a natural mimic.

He's copying you.

Say, hello, Mummy. Hello, Mummy.

Say, hello, Mummy.

What's all this stuff still

left on the table for?

- Are we having an exhibition?

- Do you want me to clear it?

No, no, no. I can manage.

Say, hello, Mummy.

Hello. Go on.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello, Joey.

I don't understand it.

Mrs Phillips' bird talked in

three months. Whole sentences.

Mind you, they weren't

very nice things it said.

They had to cover it up

when the vicar called.

Face it. He's a dead loss.

We should get rid of him.

No. He's company for

me. That was the

whole idea of it, wasn't it, Joey?

You'd be company for

me. Wouldn't you?

It's all right for you. You go

to work and enjoy yourself.

I'm here alone all day.

You'll be alone all night

if you don't shut up.

Do you mind? I'm trying

to work out my bets.

I wonder if he wants

a little mate.

What would he want

a little mate for?

Give him something to do.

What?

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

Birds and fishes have always been

a mystery to me. What do they do?

Don't be silly.

They... bill and coo.

What with?

Well, I don't have to

go into details, do I?

Blimey. Males and females all

look the same, don't they?

We can tell what

we've got hold of,

but how the hell can they tell?

Well, we know Joey's

a he bird, don't we?

Cock.

He is. The man in

the shop said so.

Cock bird, not "he" bird.

It's all the same thing.

You wouldn't call yourself

a cock man, would you?

Opportunity would be a fine thing.

Stop that row and get

that thing out of here.

Not so much noise.

Not so much noise. My mum's there.

Go on, you great gormless lump.

Quite right, Mrs Spanner.

It's a disgrace.

You mind your own bloody business.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise

you were here, Mr Coote.

Oh, that's all right...

Agatha.

Has Victor gone?

Yes, Charles. We're all alone now.

Good. How about it, then?

Oh, I don't know. I really

ought to do the dishes first.

Oh, they can wait.

Just a quick one.

I do find it very hard

to say no to you.

You know you like it

just as much as I do.

Very well. I'll draw the curtains.

- Right.

- Yes.

Cut for deal.

Oh.

What's the matter? Did

you lose something?

Oh, damn near.

Stay there.

Oh, so that's your game, is it?

Bernie, follow that car.

What car?

That car. The one

with Myrtle in it.

Myrtle who?

- Oh, come on. Get going.

- Right. We're off.

What do you mean, me wasting time?

You never win anything

on the horses, do you?

How ignorant can you get?

I've told you. I work it out

scientifically. I study form.

Why don't you win sometimes?

Can I help it if they

don't run scientifically?

It doesn't seem right

to me, throwing that

money away each day

and us going without.

Don't notice you going

without anything.

I wouldn't mind, if you could just

pick a winner every now and then.

You reckon you could

do better, then?

I couldn't do much worse, could I?

All right. Let's see.

I'll read out the runners

in the Newmarket three

o'clock. See if you

can pick the winners.

That's silly. We won't know the

winners until this evening.

No, no, no, this is

yesterday's racing.

- Oh.

- Here we go.

Anthony Watt. Jolmon.

Carbia. Cleopatra.

Sid, did you hear that?

Yes. His very first

chirp. How about that?

Oh. It must have been one

of them words you read out.

- What words?

- One of them horse's names.

Cleopatra?

- There.

- Yes.

Oh. Does he like that word, then?

Cleopatra.

All right, all right.

Don't tire him out.

Oh, Sid. Isn't it exciting?

Yeah. Mind you, it's

time he did something

else apart from dropping

good luck messages.

- Oh.

- Right. Now, then. Where were we?

We don't have to go any further.

If that's what Joey

liked, I'll pick it.

- Cleopatra?

- Yes.

It was a 10-1 shot.

It had no chance.

I don't mind. Well, what won?

By three lengths-Cleopatra.

There you are. What

did I tell you?

You didn't pick it. The

blooming bird picked it.

Well, it won, didn't it?

Are you going potty? Just

because he likes the word.

What does he know about horses?

I don't know, but he's

done better in one

race than you've done

the whole season.

But that's not the point, is it?

You're the one who said

you could pick 'em

better than me, so let's

see you pick one.

I'll read you the 3:30 runners.

Diddy Ching.

Fast Day Boy.

Golden Gay.

Tiny Tim.

You keep out of this.

Now, where was I?

That'll do me. Tiny Tim.

Just cos he chirped again?

Yes. Well, who won?

This is ridiculous.

There's no reason to it.

We can't all pick

scientifically, can we?

Well, who won?

Tiny Tim.

4-1.

There you are. You see?

Now, are you satisfied?

Who's a clever boy. Then?

Did he pick the winners

for Mummy, then?

Shut up. Shut up a minute.

I want to try another one.

I don't feel like doing any more.

Not you, him. Now, listen, mush.

I'm going to read the runners

of the four o'clock.

Now, concentrate. Are you ready?

Right.

The Woozer.

X-Ray. Double Dwelling.

- I'll see you.

- Two pairs.

Oh, dear. You've beaten me again.

I knew this was going

to be my lucky day.

- Now, no looking.

- Oh.

Hello, Mrs Spragg. It's

got very cold, innit?

Not surprising.

I thought I heard the front door.

So did I.

Victor. What are you doing

without your trousers on?

Well, you can talk, I must say.

What? Oh. Argh.

Polar Prince.

Silver Plate.

Pollyanna.

Well, did it?

Yes. He's picked the winner of

every single race yesterday.

He must have seen the

results in the paper.

That's it... What are you talking

about? He can't read, can he?

Well, how do you know? You didn't

even know how they made love.

He's getting

information somewhere.

Where are you getting it?

Come on, talk. Talk.

Oh, don't be silly. You

know he can't talk.

You're quite right. Big, fat,

beady-eyed, useless lump.

Don't talk to him like that.

And what do you mean useless?

He's picked all the

winners this afternoon.

After they'd run.

Fat lot of good that is. If he

could pick 'em before they...

I wonder. What's the time?

Half past three.

I can be at the betting

shop by half past four.

Now, listen, genius. Listen to me.

Who's a nice fella, then? Who's

a big, handsome, clever lad?

What are you going to do to him?

Shut up a minute. I'm

going to read you

the runners of the

4:30 at Kempton today.

Now, relax. Think carefully.

Winners only. Here we go.

Family Steps.

Petticoat.

Peewit The Third.

Peewit The Third?

He's never even been placed. You

must be out of your tiny mind.

Oh. Now look what you've done.

You made him dirty his cage again.

I'm not surprised.

Peewit The Third.

All right. I'll do it.

But I'm warning you,

mate. If you're

wrong, I'll wring

your bloody neck.

Oh, don't worry.

Mummy will wring

Daddy's bloody neck.

It's all right. I'll go.

- Oh, hello.

- Excuse me, Mr Coote.

Oh, I'm sorry to

interrupt your dressing.

That's all right. I was just

having a game of cards.

- Oh, yeah. I see.

- Would you care to have a game?

Not just now, thank you. I'm

hardly dressed for it, am I?

Oho. We'll soon get those off you.

No, thank you. Actually,

I've come to see Vic.

Oh, there he is.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I must get back to it.

I thought I might

find you back here.

Er... here's your trousers.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh. They'll be very

useful, they will, in

case my legs ever have

a row and split up.

It wasn't my fault. You

told me to follow that car.

- All right. All right. Did you?

- What?

Follow the car.

Oh, yeah. I stuck to

'em like a limpet.

Where did they go?

They just drove around,

then went into a cinema.

Right, come on.

Good. If we hurry, we can make

the second half of the game.

We are not going to the football.

Oh.

Activities of the

Koo Koo islanders.

There's no sight

quite so thrilling

as to watch them preparing

their evening meal.

Is this the wonderfully

interesting film you heard about?

No, it's the one after this.

Women are busily

engaged in peeling

vegetables and

cutting up the meat.

To do this, they use knives

and other kitchen implements.

Let us watch their nimble fingers

at work for a few moments.

A spectacle few White people

have been privileged to witness.

- Blimey. How much more of this?

- Why don't you stop moaning?

Oh, that's choice, that is.

It was bad enough

missing the football

without spending six

bob to come and watch

a bunch of idiots

making an Irish stew.

And that is where we must bid a

reluctant farewell

to Koo Koo Island.

He's got his arm round her now.

- Who?

- Lewis, of course.

The film you are about to see

was refused a certificate

by the British Board

of Film Censors.

But has been granted a showing

by the local council.

That sounds more like it.

I am a well-known and

practising doctor.

In the artistic and beautiful

picture, which now follows.

You will see naked men

and women engaged

in the various arts

of sexual love.

This is by no means

intended to shock,

but purely and frankly to

demonstrate that the sexual act.

Far from being something

to be afraid of.

Is, in fact, a great

joy and pleasure,

which can. And indeed should.

Be enjoyed by everyone.

First, let us familiarise

ourselves with the

component parts of

this. The male body.

And this. The female body.

God, you don't miss

a trick, do you?

Cor.

No, wait, Myrtle, please.

Come on, Bernie.

Come on. They're leaving.

- Come on.

- Oh, no. Not now.

No.

Let us look at the

number of different ways

in which we can bring

the two together.

Move. Come on.

Oh, no.

That's the line-up

for the last race

at Doncaster. Tote prices follow.

And here is the

result of the 4:30 at

Kempton. First, Peewit The Third.

He did it. Hey, Benny.

Pound each way, 10-1.

Finally got yourself

a good win, Sidney?

Congratulations.

They've finished eating.

I'm glad to hear that. That

makes me feel a lot better.

What's the matter with you?

Cor, stone me. You

drag me away from the

football match. You drag

me out of the cinema.

You drag me 20 miles

into the country

to watch them stuff themselves

and then you ask

what's the matter.

You didn't have to

come out with me.

No, and I can't wait not to come

out with you tomorrow, either.

Listen, I'm not going

to stand by and watch

that nit having it

away with Myrtle.

Why not? It's better than

watching them eating.

Look, I honestly

didn't know it was

going to be that sort of a film.

What a day.

All it needs is for Dad to walk in

now to make everything perfect.

Oh, for heaven's sake. What's

he got against me, anyway?

Plenty, apart from the fact

that you're the boss's son.

Is that so terrible?

You should hear him

on that subject.

Oh, charming. But what makes

him think I want to marry you?

Oh, he doesn't. On

the contrary. He

had you weighed up from the start.

"I know all about blokes

like young Mr Lewis."

- Oh, listen, Myrtle...

- Yes?

Oh. Erm... another

couple of those, please.

I mean these, please.

If I were you, I'd have stuck

to your first request.

I fancy the fella with the ears.

Cor. Did you see that waitress?

I've never seen anything like that

before. Do you think

that was all real?

Of course. It's the

only qualifications

you need for the

job. Big prospects.

That's nothing. In some places.

They're completely topless.

Cor, nothing?

Not a stitch.

I bet that's tricky

when they serve soup.

It's a bit dodgy

when they fry chips.

If I say I'm sorry about the film,

sorry for being the boss's son,

and sorry for having such a lousy

reputation, could we start again?

And sorry for being on the

make all the time with me?

From now, just good friends.

I'll drink to that.

How about a dance? Is

that within the rules?

Yeah. Provided there's no

dirty work in the clinches.

Aye aye. He's got her

on the floor now.

What? In front of everybody?

- I'm sorry. Lewis.

- Oh, hello, Roger.

I'm sorry I was put out

today when you called.

That's all right.

It's all ok. You can use

the old flat tonight.

You bastard.

Wait, Myrtle, please.

Thank you, Joey.

Funny, but I don't seem

to have seen anything

of young Mr Lewis since

we've been back.

Have you, Bern?

No. Well, he's away.

That's what you told me.

That was a couple of

weeks ago, wasn't it?

I just wondered whether

he'd left us for

any reason. Have you

heard anything, Myrt?

I couldn't care less

what's happened to him.

Ha-ha-ha. You dropped

me in it there.

You didn't say it was a secret.

- Hello.

- Hello, Sid.

Sitting down on the job again?

Mr Plummer, I know my

job. Nothing in the rule

book says I cannot do it

in a seated position.

I'll bet you say that

to all the girls.

Mr Plummer, if you want to bring

a specific charge against me...

No, no, no. Sit down.

Enjoy yourself.

Relax. Go slow. Work

to rule, if you like.

There you are. Have

a smoke as well.

I'm sorry to have kept you

waiting, Fred. Come on.

Come in.

Hello, Dad.

Lewis, my boy. I didn't

know you were back.

We've got it. The Middle East

contract. Show him, Mr Moore.

If I may say so, Mr Boggs,

it was done in the face

of very stiff competition.

Very stiff indeed.

Signed by His Highness, King

Frauzi of Aslam himself.

Really? Another crowned head to

add to our clientele. Excellent.

- What's it for?

- Bidets.

Bidets.

Yes. 1,000 of them.

1,000 bidets.

One for each of his wives. There

mustn't be any favouritism, sir.

Are you mad?

We do not make bidets.

It's high time we

started. You sign that.

I will not have my firm

associated with the

manufacture of such

a dubious article.

Dad, we cannot afford to turn

it down. It's worth £19,000.

I don't...

19,000.

That's an awful lot of

money. And payment?

On completion of the order

in two months' time.

Two months.

Yes. That was the only snag.

They have to have them in time

for the feast of Abanibble, sir.

Abanibble?

That's right. When

it's His Highness's

custom to visit each

of his wives in turn.

It only happens once a year.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

But we couldn't possibly

complete this order

in two months. We haven't

even got a design.

Yes, we have. Mr Coote did one

months ago. Now,

come on, Dad. Sign.

Oh, very well. I can't

help feeling I'm

going into something

I shall regret.

You're looking very well

this morning, Mrs Moore.

Thank you, Doctor. Can I

get dressed again now?

Yes. While I put my eyes back in.

Another new suit?

I had a bit of luck

on the gee-gees.

Again? You'll have to

give me some tips.

I've got a good one for you.

Don't bend over in a

tight skirt. Ha-ha.

Saucy.

Refused you a bridging loan for a

measly 1,500? I don't believe it.

I'm afraid it's true.

I hadn't wanted to

bother you with our

financial problems,

but the bank has been

carrying us for some years.

- And now they're dropping us?

- It seems so.

We'll just have to get

out of that contract.

Excuse me, WC. How

much do you need?

- I should think 1,000 would do.

- Is that all? 1,000.

Don't bother with banks.

I can let you have that.

You can, Mr Plummer?

I haven't got it with

me, but I can get it.

Let's see. We've got an hour till

the last race at Cheltenham.

- Last race at Cheltenham?

- That's right.

I'll have to move fast. I've

got to see a bird first.

A bird at Cheltenham?

You promised me you'd

limit it to two bets

a week, so he didn't

over strain himself.

Don't argue.

- Read out the runners.

- All right.

But don't blame me

if nothing happens.

I'm sorry about this. It's

nothing to do with me, Joey.

I'm not the greedy one.

All right? Here we go, then.

4:30 at Cheltenham.

Bob.

Girlie.

Hard-To-Get.

Order Form.

Proper Charlie.

Sweet Sue.

That's the one.

What's the betting?

- 18-1.

- That'll do.

18-1 on Sweet Sue.

£56 win bet.

That's exactly £1,026.

That's just what I make it, Benny.

Just what he makes it. Pints

of blood, I'm giving.

You'll get it all back.

What good is getting

it back if I've

had a heart attack

from paying it out?

I'm sorry. You know I

don't like doing this.

You don't like doing

this. I don't like doing

this. So why do we go

on suffering this way?

Just because I've had a

bit of luck for a change.

For a change, he

says. For a change.

Have a look at this. It's all in

black and white in the ledger.

In the last three weeks, 11

winning bets you've had.

£2,433.

You have taken from me.

I tell you what I'll

do. Tomorrow I'll

come in here and

I'll bet the lot...

No, no, no. No more,

Sid. It's finished.

Finished?

From now on, there's

a limit on you. £5.

What do you mean? What kind

of a sportsman are you?

What's with the

sportsman? If I was a

sportsman, I'd be

riding the horses.

Ah, Mr Coote. I'd like you to

show my father your bidet design.

By all means, Mr Lewis.

I have it right here.

Yes, yes... if anyone

has any use for

this sort of thing.

Any idea of the cost?

Well, after basic outlay on a new

mould and so on, about £7 each.

How about that, Dad?

On this contract,

that could be worth

over 100% profit.

He's hit on this marvellous

labour-saving idea.

Tell him, Mr Coote.

It's quite simple. Instead

of the conventional

arrangement of separate

hot and cold taps,

and waste control tap,

the whole thing could be done

by one simple control. Thus...

Hot, cold,

down the hole.

Drop everything.

Cut the switches.

Oh. Blimey. Now what's happened?

Excuse me.

All right. All right. All

right. What's the hold-up?

- One at a time.

- I'm sorry, Mr Plummer.

These men cannot put

this fitting onto those.

Why not?

I stand to be corrected, but

I think I'm right in stating

this is a combined tap

and waste-pipe control.

- That's right. What about it?

- Whose job is it to fit it?

What are you talking

about? Ernie can do it.

Of course I can, Sid.

Oh, no, because Ernie

is a tap fitter.

Willie can do it, then.

Oh, no, because Willie, as you

well know, is a waste-pipe fitter.

Right. They can both do it.

No. If a tap fitter does it, he's

doing a waste-pipe fitter's job.

If a waste-pipe fitter does it,

he's doing a tap fitter's job.

Does it matter, as long

as they're working?

That's what I was saying.

If you'll pardon

me, you don't have

a say. This is union business.

It is our union, innit?

Exactly. And you'll do

as it bloody tells you.

Listen, under a

redundancy agreement...

All right, we know all about that.

But we're not making

anybody redundant.

These men are doing

their own jobs and

each other's jobs

in the same time.

All right, Mr Spanner.

What's your solution?

It's not the union's

job to give solutions.

You can say that again.

Just to show I'm not trying

to make difficulties,

if you was to scrap this fitting

and make two separate fittings...

Impossible. That basin was

made for that fitting.

That's typical. Isn't

that typical? I offer a

solution and they start

making difficulties.

Hang on. I've got it.

Suppose they work together?

Ernie puts the fitting in

the hole, connects it to

the pipe, then Willie

connects it to the outlet.

You're missing the point.

You've still got two

men doing two men's

jobs in the same time.

Which is the same as one man doing

one man's job in half the time.

What's wrong with that?

If every worker did his

job in half the time,

the country would be

in a right old mess.

Bernie.

Wait a minute. You

can't bring 'em out.

Until I acquaint the

union general secretary

with all the facts, you

leave me no alternative.

Everybody out.

Come on, brothers.

Keep the line moving.

Messrs Wade, Ceramics Limited.

Dear sirs, with reference to

our meeting last January,

when you expressed an interest

in taking over this business,

I must now advise you

that I am in a position to

consider a favourable offer.

- In the mean...

- No...

I beg your pardon, Miss Withering.

I'm sorry, Mr Boggs, but

I can't let you give up.

I've no alternative. Two weeks

of this strike has finished us.

What is to become of me? I've

given my whole life to Boggs.

Oh, naturally, I

shall arrange that

you be taken over with the firm.

But I don't want to be taken over.

I just want to carry on with you.

Of course, I do appreciate

your loyalty, my dear.

No, you don't. That's the trouble.

You never have appreciated me.

What?

I've worked for you for 30 years.

And in all that time, have you

ever sat me on your knee,

or asked me to go away for

a naughty weekend? No.

Really, Miss Withering.

You've never even

pinched my bottom.

Ooh.

I am not in the habit

of interfering with

other people's seating

arrangements.

If you don't mind, we'll

continue with the dictation.

Oh, damn the dictation. I don't

care what you think

of me any more,

but I'm not going to

stand by and watch

you throw everything

away like this.

Miss Withering, you're

pressing on my keys.

Then, William, fight back. I'll be

at your side. I'll

work for nothing.

We can do it, William. I'm

sure we can do it together.

I don't want us to do it together.

You've borne all this too long,

William. You've lost confidence.

All you need is a good prod.

Oh. I assure you, that is

the very last thing I need.

Lean on me, my dear.

Take strength from

me. Together we'll see it through.

Ooh-ooh.

Ooh.

Blimey, talk about the power game.

Oh.

Dad, I'm sorry we barged

in on you like that.

I had no idea you and

Miss Withering were...

We weren't and, what's

more, we never have.

It's just that she was upset,

worried about her future.

After all, she's not

getting any younger.

She's not getting any.

Yes. Well... Did you have

any luck with the union?

None. The Industrial

Relations Committee's

come back from Rio all right,

but the Action Committee's

gone off to Russia.

Well, I suppose that's that.

Why are there no pickets on

the gate? It's after nine.

They're probably on strike.

Dad, look.

I can't believe it.

They're coming back.

I had a feeling they would today.

- Why today?

- It's the annual works outing.

Yeah... Oh.

Well, I suppose we'd better

get ready, Mr Plummer.

- Ready? For what?

- Dad, you're not going with them.

- Yes, I am, my boy.

- But why?

Because I have suddenly

decided, after all these years,

that what I've been missing

is a right good booze-up.

No Fred, then?

No. He's off on

another sales trip.

What a pity. Today of all days.

I know. I spent half

the night trying

to talk him into having it off.

I wouldn't have needed

any persuading.

I bet.

You've got nothing to worry about.

I shall be very happy to

look after you today.

Oh, ta.

That'll be nice, won't

it, Maud? Mr...

Plummer's offered to

look after us today.

Oh, that'll be lovely, Mr Plummer.

Pleasure.

I was just saying to Chloe, it's

not much fun without a man.

You should know.

Ooh.

You've never done it before?

No. Have you?

- Oh, loads of times.

- What's it like?

Well, my mate Vic arranges it all.

See, we get to Brighton

about 12 o'clock

and then we have this slap-up

meal, serviettes an' all.

What do we do after?

Well, we can do anything

once we're there.

We can go on the

pier. Eat winkles.

Throw stones in the water.

To be frank, Mr Coote,

I've never tried it.

Really, Miss Withering? Well,

you've certainly missed something.

- I'm always ready to learn.

- Oh. Well...

Er... it's a bit

difficult to show you

here, but I can tell

you how it's played.

First of all, you deal out five

cards to each person, you see.

You know...

I can't think why I didn't notice

you at the factory before.

The day I got taken on,

they all went on strike.

You're lucky. I had to work

three weeks before I got one.

I'm on my own today, you know.

So I gathered, yes.

It's the best way.

Why lumber yourself

with a bird going

down to Brighton?

It's like taking coals

to Newcastle, innit?

If you say so.

Oh, yes. The place is

full of spare. The

last time we went, we

had to fight them off.

Like flies, they were.

Well, some people attract

them, don't they?

Just like dustbins.

Er, yeah. Yeah. I suppose so.

Look, if you're going

to be on your own as

well, I wouldn't mind

showing you around.

Oh, thanks all the same,

but I don't think you

ought to disappoint

all those poor flies.

Of course, I'd love to spend

the day with you, Vic.

- Would you?

- Yeah.

Oh, well, that's all

right, then, innit?

Come on, boys and

girls. This is where

we're supposed to have

lunch. Follow me.

Lunch time.

Good morning.

Ah, good morning, brother. We

are the Boggs & Son's outing.

Oh, yes, and I'm sorry

to tell you this,

but I'm afraid we

can't do you lunch.

Oh, no. I'm starving.

What? But I booked

it... six weeks ago.

Yes, I know and I'm

sorry, but our entire

restaurant staff has

gone on strike.

Gone on strike? Well,

they can't do that.

Listen who's talking.

The bar's open and

there are cold snacks,

but that's the best

we can offer you.

Well, that just isn't good enough.

Who do they think they are?

They're just a bunch of

downtrodden workers,

being exploited by an

unscrupulous management.

You should know that.

What does it matter?

A drink will do me.

Hear hear. Cheer up, everybody.

The drinks are on me.

This way, sir, please.

Don't you worry. I won't let

them get away with this.

They are taking the bread out

of the poor workers' mouths.

There's nothing we can

do about it, Vic.

No.

Of course there is. I

am not going to be

pushed around by a bunch

of ruddy anarchists.

And I'm going to

tell 'em. Come on.

Ah. Hey, you.

What's all this about you

lot being on strike?

That's right, mate. We are.

What about it, then?

Tell him, Bernie.

You're taking the bread out

of the poor workers' mouths.

You don't say.

You're just a bunch of ruddy

anarchists, that's what you are.

Really? Who says so?

He does.

There you are, Mr Spanner.

Just in time for your drink.

Same again all round,

please, barman.

Ah, there you are, Vic.

Well, we certainly

told him, didn't we?

♪ She'll be coming round the

mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming round the

mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming

round the mountain ♪

Myrtle, listen to me.

Will you go away and

stop bothering me?

- No, I damn well won't.

- Now, then. Now, then.

You heard what Myrt

said. So buzz off.

If you don't get out of the

way, I'll knock your head off.

Yes?

Yes.

Bernie.

Now, now, Mr Lewis, we

don't want no trouble.

No? Who's going to stop it, then?

Me, if I have to.

All right. Go on, then. Go

on. Try it, then. Try it.

All right, but don't

say I didn't warn you.

Now you've really done it.

Oh, for God's sake.

♪ Singing aye aye

yippee, yippee aye ♪

Gosh, I am sorry, Vic.

Are you all right?

♪ Singing aye aye yippee,

aye aye yippee ♪

♪ Aye aye yippee, yippee aye ♪

Oh, splendid. Splendid.

Let's have more drinks.

Oh, no. Come on.

Let's go for a walk.

There's a smashing front here.

There's a smashing

one there an' all.

Saucy.

I know. I know. Let's all go

on the pier and have a winkle.

You can have one here,

just through that door.

Oh. Ha-ha. No, let's

go on the pier.

Come on, man. Come on.

Look. The hall of mirrors.

We have a lot of

conferences down here.

There's nothing to

it. I'll show you.

It looks quite easy.

Let's all have a go.

Hey. Hey. Watch it.

One in my pipe.

Come on, then.

Skinheads.

Ha-ha-ha. That showed him.

Ah.

There's something I

want to have a go at.

Come on, then.

Hold it. Hold it. Perfectly

still. I'm going to take it...

now.

How was that?

Beautiful. Bern. Beautiful.

Come on, Vic. Let's

have a go on the mat.

What? In front of everybody?

Oh, you mean the helter-skelter.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, Bernie. We're going

on the helter-skelter.

Come along, now.

You've had enough.

You've got to have

something to eat.

Now, one moment.

There was a young

fellow called Reg,

who went with a girl in a hedge.

When along came his wife,

with a big carving knife,

and cut off his meat and two veg.

Yahoo.

Whoo.

Yahoo.

Whoo.

Oh, Vic, darling,

I've not had so much

fun in all my life.

Thanks.

Ah. Whoo.

We are the champions.

Oh, what was that digging in me?

It was only my camera.

Mr Boggs, I've found a

fortune-teller. Shall we try it?

Fortune-teller,

certainly not. Waste

of money. Fakes,

that's all they are.

Sitting, looking at their

crystal... whatsitsname?

Balls.

I quite agree.

Absolutely ridiculous.

I don't mind having

a go. I love them.

You do? Come on, then.

Let's have a bash.

Never mind, Miss Withering. Have

a cockle. Much better for you.

Oh, do you think I ought to?

I mean, I've heard

that shellfish do very

strange things... in

a sex way, I mean.

Really? Ooh, let's watch

'em for a bit, then.

Anybody home?

Look. Gone to lunch,

back in the near future.

The foreseeable future,

I hope. Ha-ha.

- We'll come back later.

- Wait a minute.

I've got an idea. Hang on.

But I don't want

my fortune told. I

already told you. I

don't believe in it.

You will, this one,

Mr Boggs. She's

marvellous. Go on. Be a sport.

- Oh, all right, then.

- Go on, then. In you go.

Oh.

Excuse me, dear. Customers.

- I know. I saw you coming.

- I beg your pardon?

In the ball. Ah,

yes. You are indeed

in need of help. Please be seated.

Oh, thank you. Come along, dear.

Now, then, do you wish

me to prognosticate?

Oh, please do. We'll

wait. Ha-ha-ha.

Please, I must have absolute

silence to establish contact.

Ah. The mists are clearing.

I see a picture forming.

All around you are

strange-looking objects.

White and shining.

Tell me, do lavatories play

a big part in your life?

What? Why... yes.

They do, as a matter of fact.

I thought so. You are a

cloakroom attendant.

Certainly not. I manufacture them.

I have a factory.

I see a picture appearing.

The factory is about to

stop and fall into ruin.

- Oh, no.

- Unless...

Unless what?

There is a woman who loves you.

Her name begins with...

W.

Is it Widdling?

Withering. Miss Withering.

Withering. That's it.

Your affinities will

be closely entwined.

Don't be disgusting.

I see...

a marriage.

And one, two,

three... 14 children.

Oh, no.

- No.

- William. Come back.

William.

Not bad.

Do you want to do me now?

Not half. Let me get

these things off first.

Ooh.

William.

William, come back.

William.

Excuse me.

Hey. Switch it off. Switch

it off. My girl's in there.

Let me go.

No. Not until you listen

to what I've got to say.

Oh.

- Now, do you see this?

- No, I don't.

What is it, anyway?

It's a special marriage licence.

What?

A special marriage

licence, my darling.

Now, do we use it

or do I tear it up?

Oh.

Lewis.

Darling.

Here. You leave her alone.

Do you hear?

Put her down.

Oh, no. Excuse me a

minute, darling.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Blimey, they're

supposed to be here at

6:30. Where do you

think they've got to?

Search me. What do you suppose

happened to old Myrtle?

I don't know and what's

more, I don't care.

Ooh. What's this coming, then?

Oh, naughty.

Come on, then, ladies.

Off you come.

Come on.

Looks like Fred's not

home yet. No car.

No, he said he probably wouldn't

be home till tomorrow night.

Oh. It's a shame, innit?

Looks like Beattie's asleep.

Good.

I mean, erm... good for her.

Chloe. Oh, blimey, Chloe.

Yes, Sid?

Nothing.

I think we ought to go to

bed. Our beds, I mean.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I would have liked to ask

you in for a cup of tea.

You would?

But you know how the

neighbours talk.

Yes, that's true.

And I suppose you

couldn't come in with me

at this time without

someone seeing us.

I suppose not.

Not that we'd be... doing what

they might think we'd be doing.

Oh, no. No. Of course not.

But, of course, if Fred did

get to hear about it...

Yes, that's quite right.

Not worth it, really. Not

just for a cup of tea.

Oh, well.

Good night, Sid.

Night. Sleep tight.

Tight is the word.

Bloody neighbours.

Mr Boggs. Tea.

WC. Tea.

Thank you.

Very nice...

Miss Withering. What

are you doing here?

This is my room, Mr Boggs.

Oh, I see.

What?

Then what am I doing here?

Well, I'm afraid you were in no

fit state to look after yourself,

so I had two of the men

bring you up here.

Oh, well.

That was very thoughtful...

Oh. I beg your pardon.

I didn't realise they'd

undressed me as well.

They didn't.

You mean you...

Don't worry. I know what a

man looks like, you know.

And you're not all

that much different.

Miss Withering, erm...

Yes?

Did we get off... Did I get

off? Straight to sleep, I mean.

Don't you remember, William?

No, I don't.

Then that is something we shall

always be wondering about.

Isn't it?

Charles.

Oh, hello.

Get up and come inside at once.

You've been drinking, haven't you?

Well, you see, Agatha, I

had some rather bad news.

I don't give a damn, and I may

as well tell you, Charles Coote,

that I married one drunk and I'm

damned if I'm going

to marry another.

That was the bad news, Agatha.

You see, I'm afraid we won't

be able to get married now.

What do you mean? What

are you talking about?

Because Mr Boggs is

going to close down the

works and that means I

shall be out of a job.

Close down the works, why?

Because of the strike.

I knew it.

It's that little sod

Victor's fault.

He's at the back of all this.

But I'll tell you something.

I'm not going to let that little

swine mess up my bloody life.

All right, brothers, we have got

to keep a full picket line today.

Cos I have heard that some of the

men want to come back to work.

Oh, do they?

If they want to, how are

we going to stop 'em?

Force.

Whatever happens, we

have got to stand firm.

Can I have the cricket bat? I

don't know how to play tennis.

All right, William, I'll take it.

Thank you, Miss Withering.

- Now, William.

- Oh, I beg your pardon. Hortense.

That's better.

Boggs & Son.

Mr Boggs' personal

secretary speaking.

Oh, it's you, Mr

Lewis. Yes, he's here.

Hello, Lewis, my boy. I apologise

for not getting home last night.

Yes, I got laid up... erm held up.

That's funny. I was going

to say the same to you.

No, no. There's nothing

wrong. Far from it.

The fact is, I got married.

Married?

Yes, that's right. To

Myrtle. Myrtle Plummer.

Does her father know?

That'll be a surprise.

I know it's a surprise,

but I had to marry her.

No, no, no. I mean

it was the only way.

No, we booked into a

hotel. We've been driving

all night, you see, and

we want to get to bed.

At long last he said,

under his breath.

You can say that again.

No. Not you. Dad. I was

speaking to Myrtle.

Do you mind if I don't come

back to work for a few days?

Not at all, my boy. Take

all the time you want.

I've decided to take up Moore's

offer for the firm, anyway.

Thanks, Dad. I knew you'd...

You've what?

You can't do that, Dad.

Oh, no. No.

I've got to stop him.

Well, here I am at

long last, darling.

Get dressed as quickly as you can.

What?

We've got to get back.

I'll explain later.

- Something important's come up.

- But won't it keep?

Oh, I do hope it will.

Excuse me, WC. Have you seen

my daughter this morning?

Your daughter, Mr Plummer, no.

She left Brighton with

your blooming son

and she hasn't been

home all night.

I wouldn't worry about

that, Mr Plummer.

Your daughter Myrtle has always

commanded great

admiration and respect

and I'm sure Lewis will

see that she gets it.

That's what I'm afraid

of. Listen to me, WC.

What's that?

Let's go and see.

Hello.

Looks like a showdown.

Now, listen.

We are on official strike,

pending confirmation.

So, until then, there will

be no return to work.

What's the point in

our going on with the

strike if it means Boggs

has to close down?

That is neither here

nor there, brother.

So why don't you... go home

and stop making trouble.

Us making trouble?

All we want to do is

an honest day's work.

All we want to do

is... All we want...

Listen, brother, bolshie

talk like that got

this country in the

mess it's in today.

Now, listen, fellas,

the last thing

that we want is any violence.

So at the first sign of

anything, don't argue.

Don't get involved.

Bash 'em.

Oh, well, we might as

well go home again.

That's it, then. I don't reckon

we'll have any more trouble now.

I don't know about that.

Just look at this lot.

Blimey. My old woman's there.

And mine.

- Stop.

- Mum? What are you doing here?

I've come to knock

some common sense

into that moth-eaten

brain of yours.

Please, Mum, not in

front of everyone.

Ah, now you're ashamed.

And so you should be.

Now, then. Shift your

arse out of the way and

let these good people

in to do their work.

I must warn you ladies that this

strike is quite legitimate.

That's more than

they say about you.

I must ask you all to

disperse peacefully.

Disperse, crap. Now,

are you going to get

out of the way, or do

I have to make you?

We must stand firm

on our principles.

Oh, yeah?

It is the democratic

right of every

worker to do whatever he likes.

- We must stand firm...

- Ah, shut up.

It is a democratic...

Shut up. Give me that,

you little squirt.

- Mum, please.

- Go on. Come here.

Now, then. This is what I

should have done years ago.

Mum. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Mum.

Oh, Mum. Ow.

Will somebody open

those damned gates?

Thank you, ladies.

Sorry about that row,

Mr Boggs, but we

thought you might

need a little help.

We'd like to come back to

work, if that's all right.

I can't tell you how much I

appreciate this moving gesture.

Such a wonderful

display of loyalty.

Cut the cackle and let's

get on with the work.

Well done, Beattie. All

right, you can go home now.

But I thought I'd stay on for a

bit, Sidney. Make a change for me.

- Stay on?

- Yeah.

Oh, all right, then. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, brothers. Brothers,

you're not going to let

a bunch of women tell you

what to do, are you?

Don't they always?

Oh, no. Don't let's give

in like this, brothers.

Be firm. Be firm. Make a stand.

Has it all been for nothing?

There are alternatives, you know.

Bernie, don't just stand

there. Do something.

Well, I don't know about

you blokes, but I'm

not going to let any

woman take my job.

Now, then, come on.

Let's get back to work.

All right, then. All right, then.

Go back to work. See if I care.

Don't expect me to

join you. Nothing on

earth would get me

back in that place.

Nothing on earth, I tell you.

Excuse me, but they sent

me from the exchange.

I'm the new canteen girl.

Can you tell me where I go?

Oh, yes. I was just going in

myself. I'll show you where it is.

Yes, we've got a lovely

pair of canteens here.

And a nice lot of people. You'll

like them. They're very nice.

What's going on?

Ooh.

Chloe, about last night, you know,

when you asked me in

for a cup of tea.

What about it, Sid?

I'd like you to know

that I wanted it badly.

The tea, I mean.

It's a bit late for

that now, isn't it?

No, no. There must be

another chance, surely?

Next year maybe?

Even sooner perhaps.

Hello, Beattie.

- Getting on all right, then?

- Oh, yes. Lovely.

I've been thinking, I think

I'll take a permanent job here.

You'll what?

Well, it seems much more

sensible than sitting

at home talking to a

silly bird all day.

Well, I don't know. There's no

harm in talking to a bird, really.

Oh, well, you should know.

Here you are, dear.

And anyway, I could come on the

outings with you, couldn't I?

Yes. That's right.

What do you want?

Well, I'm still

employed here, aren't

I? That is unless you

want to fire me.

- Supposing I did?

- That would be victimisation.

Oh, no, you don't.

Go on. Get working.

Right.

But I want it clearly understood,

I'm only doing so under protest.

Knickers.

- Better now, Maudie?

- Oh.

Oh, Mr Plummer. Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

Myrtle, where the

hell have you been?

Now, now, Dad. Before you

sound off, it's all right.

- We're married.

- Married?

That's right. Mr Plummer. I

hope you don't object, Dad.

Dad. Don't object?

My daughter marries

into management, you

ask me if I object?

Of course I object.

But that's absurd. You're

management yourself.

How dare you insult

me like that. I'm

works foreman and

don't you forget it.

- Didn't my dad tell you, then?

- Tell me what?

In return for all the

financial help you

gave him, he's having

you made a director.

- Director?

- Yes.

Oh, no. No. I'm a worker.

I don't want to sit

on my big fat...

Come on, Lewis. I

think we'd better go.

I'll kill that bloody budgie.

Here, Vic. There's no

paper in that loo.

What was that, Bern?

I just said there's no paper

in that toilet again.

Well, well, well.

There's a situation.

- Bernie.

- Yeah?

- Don't just stand there.

- Right, I know.

Nip out and buy a couple of rolls.

Hey, hey. Good lad.

Come on, you lot.

Don't hang about.

Carry on working.

Carry On at Your Convenience (1971) - full transcript

Extract Subtitles From Media