Carry On... Follow That Camel (1967) - full transcript

Another one like that
and we've won. My word,

this is a great event
for you, my dear.

Watching two of your
hottest suitors

making a last wicket
stand together.

Bo and Humphrey do
everything together.

Yes.

Howzat?

He's out.

- Bad luck, sir.
- Thank you, Simpson.

We only had four more
runs to get, sir.

Well, it's all in
the game, Simpson.



Hard luck, Humph, old man.

Take your hands off me, you cad.

What's up, old man?

You know damn well what's up.
You deliberately tripped me.

- Humphrey, what are you saying?
- You tripped me.

Now, just a minute, gentlemen.

This is an extremely grave charge
you're making, Captain Bagshaw.

Mr West, is there any truth in it?

No, of course not.
Humphrey's my friend.

Why would I want to
do a thing like that?

Then you're saying Captain
Bagshaw is a liar.

Well, no, I don't
mean that, but... he

must have tripped
over his bootlace.

My bootlace? The lace on
my elastic-sided boots?



Oh, Bo, how could you do
such a despicable thing?

Mr West, you are no longer
welcome in my house,

nor as a member of
my cricket team.

Come, Jane.

I've lost her, Simpson.

This letter has just
arrived for you, milady.

Thank you, Nightingale. Excuse me.

What is it, my beloved?

It's Bo. It's Mr West, he's...

My dearest Jane, by the time
you receive this letter,

I shall have left this
country for good.

The only hope I have
of forgetting the

terrible things that have happened

is to join the French
Foreign Legion.

Oh, no.

Excuse me.

Oh, never mind, my dear. His life

wouldn't have been
worth living here.

No other cricket club
would have accepted him.

Oh.

What the...?

Well, cut him down,
someone. Cut him down.

He's dripping all
over my best carpet.

Excuse me, milady.

Oh, Humphrey. What
made you do it? Why?

I...

lied.

Bo... Bo didn't trip me.

I... fell...

on purpose.

Oh, Bo.

Dearest Bo, what
have we done to you?

- Whoa, Cleo.
- Is this it, Simpson?

Yes, sir. Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

- Well, get me down, Simpson.
- Certainly, sir.

Hey, you. Arab fellow.
Camel up. Obo.

Argh. Ooh.

My foot...

Let go of the thing.

Damn it, I'll never
get used to that.

I expected the back
end to go down first.

Oh.

Oh, well, never mind that.

Find out where one
joins up around here.

Yes, sir.

Let's try that café over there.

Very well, sir.

Anyone home?

Good morning, madam. My name
is Bertram Oliphant West.

Well, I'm sorry, but
what can I do about it?

My name is Zigzig. And what
can you do about that?

No, no, you misunderstand
me, madam.

I merely wish to ask where one
goes to join the Foreign Legion.

Ah, just one moment.

- I go ask the sergeant.
- Sergeant?

Sergeant Nocker. He is important
man in Legion. He know everything.

Is he here?

Oh, yes.

Often.

Perhaps it's the married
quarters, Simpson.

Ah.

Hello, sugar date.

Not now, baby. I gotta
get some sleep.

Hey, hey, hey.

What is this strange
fascination I have over them?

Why can't they let me
alone but for a moment?

Heart of my heart, I
only want to talk.

You go right ahead and
talk, sugar date.

You talk while I get some sleep.

No, no, no, don't go to sleep yet.

There are two men here who
are wanting to join you.

Nothing doing. Let them
find their own bed.

No, no. To join you in the Legion.

Simple. Let them report
to headquarters.

It's just the other side of town.

Ok. I tell them.

And then come back.

But you just say
you want to sleep.

Can I help it if my tongue
don't know how my mind works?

♪ Fanfare ♪

Legion. Legion, present arms.

What's this?

Capitaine Le Pice.

Yes. Yes.

- Hello. Did anybody call?
- Capitaine Le Pice.

- Kommandant Burger.
- Look.

Spring flowers.

- Spring flowers?
- Early bloomers.

This is no joke.

Pull those bloomers down.

Pull them down.

Herr Kommandant, not so loud.

Anyone listening outside the fort
will wonder what's going on.

I don't care about those
pigs. Pull them down.

I want to get to the
bottom of this.

Capitaine Le Pice,

the man who is responsible
for this will be

buried in the sand up
to here, head-first.

Find out who he is.

- But how?
- How? Use your brains.

Search the lockers. Find out which
one wears underwear like this.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
no legionnaire

would wear anything like these.

How do you know? We get
all sorts in the Legion.

And it's our custom
not to ask questions.

- Perhaps it's time we started.
- Oh, Herr Kommandant. Look.

There is a message
written on the back.

Well, it can't be a
message from the front.

What is...? "Death to
all Legion infidels.

Your time is nigh. The
flaming sword is spoken."

What is that? What flaming sword?

Herr Kommandant, it
is an emblem of the

leader of the Riffs,
Sheikh Abdul Abulbul.

They have got my message.

Let us give them a taste
of what is soon to come.

It's a disgrace.

I intend to get to
the bottom of...

Attack. Attack.

See how the mice run.

But the time is not yet.

- We will go.
- Effendi, look what comes.

Ah, this appears to
be the place, sir.

Oh, well, help me down,
will you, Simpson?

Ho. Camel, Bo-Bo.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha. I've got it.

Oooh. Oh.

Oh, sir. Keep still, sir.

It has been truly said.

The mind of the white infidel

is like the action
of the cleanser.

Clean round the bend.

This way, sir.

Ah, well, Simpson, the... the time

has come to say
goodbye, old friend.

No, sir, I can't do it.

I can't leave you
here like this. I'm

going to join the
Foreign Legion, too.

Oh, Simpson.

Simmy.

Not in front of the natives, sir.

- Oh.
- Sorry, sir.

Shall I er...? Shall I knock now?

- Please do that, Simpson.
- Excuse me, sir.

Kommandant, I think there is
someone knocking at the gate.

The nerve of the dogs. Do they
expect me to let them in?

Ah, perhaps that would
be the wisest move.

- Never. Over your dead body.
- Ooh.

I've got something in store for
them they didn't bargain for.

Move out the cannon
and load with grape.

And if you haven't got any grape,
load with some other fruit.

Come on, you men. Move out the
cannons. Get out your grapes.

Perhaps they don't want
our services, sir.

Nonsense. They're always
looking for recruits.

They'll welcome us with open arms.

Get out your grapes.

There, what did I tell you?

Fire.

So, you came to join
the Foreign Legion?

Yes, we keep telling you that.

Are you aware this place has
just been under heavy attack?

How do I know you are
not one of them?

Oh, no, sir.

Spies. Sent in here
to learn our secrets.

Spies? How dare you, sir.

We are English gentlemen.

Don't talk to me about
your English gentlemen's.

I have seen what you
scribble on the

walls of your English gentlemen's.

Mr West has never
so much as raised a

finger to a wall.
He's a man of honour.

If he is a man of
so much honour, why

does he need to join
the Foreign Legion?

I can't tell you that.

Ah, so. Perhaps you
lost your honour

on the playing fields of Eton.

That was not Mr West's fault.

There was a gardener's daughter...

Simpson.

So, good. You can enlist.

But be careful, you
will be watched.

At the first sign of any
treachery, the firing squad.

The firing squad? Oh,
we'll enjoy that, sir.

- Mr West is an excellent shot.
- Le Pice. Take them away.

Yes, Kommandant Burger.

Recruits. Attention.

Right turn.

Quick march.

- After you, sir.
- No, that's all right.

- Oh, I insist.
- No, Simpson.

Get out.

- Le Pice.
- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Turn them over to the
colour sergeant.

He will make soldiers of them.

Oh, er... didn't you know, sir?

Sergeant Nocker hasn't
returned from patrol yet.

Not back yet? But it's been six
days. Was he by himself again?

Ah, sugar date, hold
it right here, sugar.

Sergeant, do you
have to go back now?

Oh, come on, sugar date.
I explained to you.

We had six wonderful
days together.

Heaven. It was great.
It really was swinging.

But, baby, I belong here.
I've got my work to do.

Come back now.

Honey, can't I explain to you? I'm
a sergeant. I'm an important man.

- How do you think I got these?
- How did you get them?

Well, if I was to tell
you, you'd be even

more crazy about me
than you are now.

You're a good girl.
Thanks a lot, honey.

- Thanks for the lift.
- I have a good ass, no?

Give me a break, will you?

It's a vast country, I can't
take care of all of 'em.

Oh, well, back to
the humdrum life.

♪ When Johnny Comes
Marching Home ♪

Let me in.

Let me in, for pity's sakes.

Herr Kommandant. Sergeant
Nocker. He's back.

Impossible.

But yes, Herr Kommandant.
He's at the gates.

My God.

Colour Sergeant Nocker
reporting, sir.

Back from patrol. I...

No, sir. Thank you,
sir. I'll be all right.

After all, I've
just been five days

without food or water, that's all.

Bring water, quickly.

Did I say water? Thank you, sir.

I'll be all right. I
must file my report.

- Drink, Sergeant.
- No, thank...

Thank you, sir. Delicious, sir.

And now, Sergeant, if you feel
strong enough, your report.

Yes, sir. Well, last
Saturday, I got

a tip-off there would be an attack

on Fort Zuassantneuf.

It cost me 20 francs,
but I don't mind if I

don't get it back. It
was worth it, sir.

Sergeant, you will get it back.

Oh, thank you, sir.
You're a brick.

I thought I'd better
get to the garrison

and warn them immediately, sir.

At Zuassantneuf? But that's
over 200 kilometres away.

But what does that
matter, sir, with the

lives of fellow
legionnaires at stake, sir?

You went alone? What happened?

I was attacked by this
murderous group of Riffs.

Ah, so you were surprised.

I mean, what chance did I have?

One legionnaire against
a hundred Riffs?

A hundred?

But you don't have to
worry about them, sir.

Not with half their number dead.

I can hardly believe it.

I can hardly believe it myself.
I had to count them twice, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, this gallantry
merits immediate recognition.

I will get the box,
Herr Kommandant.

Sergeant Nocker, I
salute your bravery.

You have acted in the highest
traditions of the Legion.

Oh, sir, you're embarrassing
me in front of the men.

Oh, sir, this isn't necessary.
I have enough medals.

It is a proud moment just
to serve for you, sir.

I don't... Oh, there's a goody.

Yes, this one here. Mm.

Solid silver. Splendid.
Thank you, sir.

Jane, my dear, I still
think you're wrong to go.

Oh, Papa, I must. Don't you see?

It was mainly because
of me that Bo left.

And it's my duty to
find him and tell

him that his name has
now been cleared.

Oh, very well, but please
be careful, my dear.

You've led far too
sheltered a life to know

what can possibly
happen to a young woman

travelling alone.

I have a first-class seat
reserved on the train.

Oh, I'm not bothered about
your seat. There'll be men.

What can men do to me?

Oh, far too sheltered a life.

Bye, my dear.

Oh, good morning, miss. I just
wanted to punch your ticket.

- Punch my ticket?
- That's right.

Are you er... Are you
travelling alone, miss?

Well, yes. Why?

Oh.

Well, there's er...
nothing to it, really.

What a funny way to
punch my ticket.

♪ Reveille ♪

Wake up, you dogs. Wake up.

Wake up. You... Wake up.

Come on. You sons of dogs.

Sleeping will stop now.

What are you doing?
Hey. You. Wake up.

- Good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, Simpson.

It appears it's time to rise, sir.

Oh, thank you very
much. Where's the tea?

There doesn't seem to
be any served yet, sir.

Oh.

Well, in that case, run
my bath, would you?

I regret to inform you, sir, that
I've been unable to find a bath.

No baths?

No, sir. I'm given to
understand that...

- Oh, dare I say it, sir?
- Please dare.

That one uses a horse
trough outside, sir.

Oh, well, in that
case, run my trough.

Thank you, Clotski.

It's nice to be back.
The simple comforts.

That was a rough patrol
you had, Sergeant.

They don't come any
rougher, Clotski.

Six days, six nights on the
job... takes a lot out of a man.

You bet. You bet.

You know, Sergeant,
it's incredible.

You do all that walking, and not
a grain of sand in your boots.

Yeah, when I do what I do,
I do it with my boots off.

Ah, it's good to be back.

Look out on the old
parade grounds and see...

What the hell is that?

I must be seeing things.

They're the two new ones.
Came in yesterday.

What do they think
this is? A health spa?

What are they? Newly-weds.
Or something?

They're English,
Sergeant. You know

the English? They're half nuts.

By the time I'm finished with
them, they'll be whole nuts.

Boy. I'm looking forward
to training those two.

I haven't had anything
as good to work

on since that other
limey was here.

- What was his name?
- Beau Legs.

Ah. That's the one.

Ok. Get 'em on parade
ground. Corporal.

What have you got
in mind, Sergeant?

Get 'em on parade
ground at the double.

Fools. Hurry up.

What do you think this is? A
picnic? You lousy dogs. Damn you.

You're soldiers,
do you understand?

Come along. Come along. All
right, now. Properly at ease,

you lousy pigs.

- All present, Corporal?
- Except for the two new ones.

Leave them to me, Sergeant.

Fall in. I'll handle
this one myself.

Maybe I'll get a chance
to bathe the baby.

Get up. Get up. Every one of you.

Now. Then. Properly at ease.
You lousy pigs. Quick march.

Move. You dogs. Come on. Quick.

All right, what's
going on here? Ain't

he old enough to dress himself?

A gentleman never dresses himself.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You see, I'm so terribly
ignorant of these facts.

That's perfectly all
right, old chap.

You'll learn. Something
we can do for you?

Yes. Er...

I wonder if you'd care to join
us for a teensy-weensy parade?

You see, the Kommandant will be
there. Oh, it'll be such fun.

That's very decent
of you, Sergeant.

Thank you very much indeed.

We'd both be delighted.

Oh, bully, bully, bully.

Just as soon as we've
breakfasted. Oh,

by the way, where
is the restaurant?

Oh... I'm terribly sorry, I'm
afraid there is no restaurant.

- But I'll tell you what there is.
- Oh? What?

We have a pit where we bury
you up to your neck in sand,

- for days and days.
- Oh? What for?

For talking back at your sergeant.
For not being ready for parade.

And for acting like
motherless, fatherless jerks.

Now, you get with it.

Get dressed, and be out
there in five seconds.

Get on parade now. On the double.

Come.

- Ready for inspection, sir.
- Thank you, Sergeant.

In future, I want the
garrison kept on standby.

All leave is cancelled,
and double the guards.

You got it.

Double the guards? What for, sir?

I am expecting trouble.
Have you seen these?

Whoa. Would you like to
have them filled, sir?

Sergeant.

I mean, any woman
wearing these could

cause plenty of trouble
around the fort.

Don't you worry,
sir, I'll track her

down. She won't lay
a glove on you.

I did not get them from
a woman, Sergeant.

Then from who, sir? I...

Hello.

Hello.

They were raised on the
flagpole yesterday morning.

There's a message on them. Look.

A message? I didn't
see... Oh. Abdul Abulbul.

I wouldn't worry about him, sir.

Don't give it a second thought.
After all, he has twelve wives.

What time has he got
left for fighting?

There's an old Arab
saying, Sergeant.

"The more a camel has to drink,

the more he will
want to make stops."

That's a goody. Did
you hear the one

about the butler and
the upstairs maid?

Sergeant.

I want you to bear that in mind. I
am now ready to inspect your men.

Sir.

Present... arms.

Yes.

Straighten the jacket.

Yes, good.

Very good. Mm, very...

Huh? What's this?

A joke?

Oh, I forgot I had
it on my head, sir.

- Deal with this man, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir, it'll be a pleasure.

Oh, it's the hat. Oh,
don't blame him, sir.

He was so busy helping
me, that he...

Silence.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

Ow. Oh.

Come in.

Hello, mademoiselle.
Welcome aboard.

Oh, thanks, I'm sure.

It is possible, mademoiselle, that
it will be rough in the Channel.

- I must check your porthole.
- By all means.

Mademoiselle is travelling alone?

- Yes. Why?
- Huh.

Oh. What an odd way
to check my porthole.

These damn flies.

I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault.

Ah, well, Simpson, only
another five more days to go.

Yes, sir, but...

Sir?

Yes, Simpson, what is it?

Do you think they have
worms in the Sahara, sir?

I don't know. Why?

There's something crawling
up my... sir. Help.

Now, steady on, Simpson.

Oh, I can't stand much
more of this, sir.

Forgive me, sir, but with your
permission, I think I'll go mad.

Oh, I've got the worms. The worms.

Steady on, Simpson. Steady on.

There'll be plenty more of this.
That sergeant's got it in for us.

Oh, I know, sir.

And just think,
sir. He was the one

that told us where
to come and enlist.

What do you mean?

That's Sergeant Nocker, sir.

The one the woman
in the café went to

ask. He was in the back room. Ooh.

And then, a little while
later, he came in looking

a wreck, and staggering
about all over the place.

So would I, if I'd spent some
time with that woman, sir.

But he told the Kommandant he'd
just come back from patrol.

And he got decorated for bravery.

Enjoying yourselves, gentlemen?

We're just beginning to, Sergeant.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Because when I get
you out of here,

I'll make your lives so miserable,
you'll be glad to get back in.

Oh, I don't think so, Sergeant.

Not a brave man like you, who can
go out on patrol and kill 50 Riffs

- single-handed.
- 53.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You see what I mean, Simpson?

It wasn't Sergeant Nocker in
the café with that woman.

But it was, sir. I saw
him through the curtain.

Nonsense. You must
be imagining things.

When we get out of here, we'll
go and ask the Kommandant.

- He should know.
- Hey, wait a minute.

Were you the two guys in the
café yesterday morning?

So, it was you in there, Sergeant.

Clotski.

- Sergeant.
- Corporal Clotski,

what are these fine
men doing down there?

But, Sergeant, you told me
to put them in the hot box.

I told you? I would
waste the talent of

these two intelligent,
hard-working,

conscientious soldiers
in this manner?

You must be out of your mind.

- But, Sergeant, you...
- Don't but me.

But, Sergeant...

Dig these gentlemen out
of here on the double.

Yes, Sergeant.

Don't worry, fellas, it's all
been a mistake. Have a cigar.

I have a feeling we're
gonna be real buddies.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right.

Work it. Work it.
Move it. Move it.

Get those legs up.
Move it. Move it.

Aitcha. Aitcha. Aitcha.

How you doing. Fellas?
Everything all right?

En garde.

Charge.

Argh.

I'm so sorry, Sergeant.

That's all right. Anybody can
make a little mistake... buddy.

Wakey-wakey, Simmy.

Tea's up.

Thank you very much
indeed, Sergeant.

Oh, no bother. I wonder if you
would make parade this morning?

It's Kommandant's inspection. It
shouldn't take long, you know.

Yes, I think we could make it.

Oh, that's what I admire-keenness.
However, no hurry.

Whenever you're ready... buddy.

Come along, you guys.
Hold it. Right there.

Right there. Now, shut your eyes.

Come on. Shut your eyes. This
is going to be a surprise.

You're not shutting your eyes.

Ok, open 'em.

Surprise.

Oh, Sergeant, we... we
don't know what to say.

Ah, just a small token
of my esteem, buddies.

But... but where did
you get it from?

Oh... never mind, just
don't tell anybody.

Le Pice.

- Le Pice.
- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

- Where's my bathtub gone?
- Your bathtub?

Come in.

Welcome to the Kaifer Hotel,
Algeria, mademoiselle.

- I am the manager.
- How nice.

I just wanted to see whether your

accommodation is
er... satisfactory.

Well, yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Mademoiselle travels alone?

Yes.

Ooh. What an
extraordinary way to see

if my accommodation's
satisfactory.

♪ Exotic music ♪

You can't beat it. There's nothing
like an old-fashioned waltz.

You not say hello to me
tonight, my sergeant.

Hello. Do you mind, honey? I can't
see. Would you get out of the way?

And you.

Hello, baby. How about giving
us the dance of the two veils?

You mean seven veils.

Why bother with the
preliminaries, huh?

Hey, did you see that?

She's crazy about me.

She's very beautiful.
But why was she

wearing that ruby in
her... Well, in here?

That's to keep the draught out.

I don't know if you happened to

notice, sir, but...
these things...

Yes, Simpson, I did
happen to notice.

Well, we had some casserole dishes
just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right. We used
to put our dumplings in them.

They use them for the
same reason here.

I'd like to meet her.

What, that dancer,
sir? Oh, I don't

think that would
be advisable, sir.

Why ever not?

Simmy's right. You'd
never catch me getting

mixed up with a
woman of that sort.

Hello, there. Well,
why don't you take

off your clothes and
pull up a chair?

- Zank you.
- No, no. Zank you.

Now, who told you I
was the only one

around here worth bothering with?

- Oh, nobody.
- Oh, just psychic?

May I say how very much
I enjoyed your dancing?

Thank you, you are most kind.

- We haven't seen you here before.
- No, I have just come from Egypt.

Ah, Egypt. Land of mystery.

Home of the mighty fairies.

- You mean pharaohs.
- I know what I mean.

You are so very pretty.

- Oh, please.
- Oh, no, no, it is true.

What is your name?

West, sir.

West. Bertram Oliphant West.

Ludicrous, ain't it? My name is...

Bertram Oliphant?

It's a riot, isn't it?
You see, my name is...

But most of my best
friends call me Bo.

- Bo?
- Yes, B-O.

You've got some nice friends.

- And what's your name?
- They call me Corktip.

Now, I bet you can't
guess my name.

Oh, yes, I know your name.

How do you like that? It's even
spread to Egypt. It had to happen.

They call you the Big Stinker.

Ha-ha. That's what they
call me. Everybody know...

What?

I hear Zigzig call
you that just now.

How do you like that dame?

Well, she'll get no
more favours out of me.

May I offer you some
refreshment, Miss Corktip?

Oh, no, thank you. I
must go work now.

- Oh, dancing again?
- No, I also tell fortune.

Really? How?

Oh, with the ball, or by the hand.

Or I feel your bumps.

Who did that?

- It was I.
- You...

And very well done, I must admit.

- Go, woman.
- Now, just a moment.

You will be the first to die.

Enough. Go.

Go, you dogs.

A thousand apologies, gentlemen.

They're just ignorant fools.

Ah, it's a good thing you showed
up. Just about to lose my temper.

It will not happen again.

Peace be on you.

And peace on you, too.

Fools. You would kill legionnaires
here? In front of everyone?

I have other plans for them.

Come.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant,
there is a woman here for you.

A woman? But it's not
Saturday, is it?

No, no, not that one,
Herr Kommandant.

A white woman. She asked to
see the officer in charge.

- A white woman? Out here?
- And out there.

Well, bring her in. Bring
her in immediately.

Yes, yes.

Lady Jane Ponsonby,

- Kommandant Burger.
- Jane.

Maximilian.

Oh, pardon.

- Oh, can it really be you?
- It's been such a long time.

Oh, years ago. Vienna, when
I was in finishing school.

And I was your fencing master,
and finished you off.

I was only 17. I hardly
knew what it was all about.

Fencing, I mean.

Oh, and such a beautiful
child, you were.

With the pigtails, and the
braces on your teeth.

And you had braces, too.
On your leather shorts.

- Ah, my love.
- Maximilian.

Forgive me, but it's
been so many years

since I've even
seen a white woman.

Come now, there can't be that much
difference. Apart from the colour.

That's very true.
There's an old Arab

saying, "The whiteness of the snow

is as the blackness of the coal
hole when there's no light."

What a lovely saying.

But not you. You could
never be the same.

It was because of you
that I joined the Legion.

- Because of me?
- Yes.

That day you are coming
to me for the private

lesson, and I did
what I did to you.

Oh, I was so ashamed.

- Oh, look, it was nothing.
- Only a little scratch.

But I have never
touched a sword since.

Oh, poor Maximilian.

No matter. You have forgiven
me and found me again.

Oh, Maximilian, I didn't
come here looking for you.

Not for me?

No, I really came to find a very
dear friend of mine. A Mr West.

Bo West?

This man, he is important to you?

Yes, I'd do absolutely
anything to find him.

Anything?

Yes.

Tell me, are you travelling alone?

Yes.

- Very well. In that case...
- Oh, never mind, I'll do it.

Ooh.

I wish you to get them
to come to your house.

My men will take
care of them then.

I understand.

All three of them?

No, just two of them.

He with the head like the
dome of the mosque of Omar.

And he with eyes like
well holes in the sand.

It shall be done, O powerful one.

Hey. Corktip, she wants to
see you in the back room.

- Me?
- Yes, you. Don't ask me why.

I don't have to ask. I know.

Ow. They can only
fight against it for

just so long, and then
it's va-va-va-voom.

Well, chappies, don't
wait up for me, what?

You can stop looking for it
in there. It's right here.

Sit down. I would like to see
what's in store for you.

Hey, I'd like to see what's
in store for me, myself.

No, you must not. Not here.

I tell your fortune. Sit.

Fine, but er... never mind that,
let's get to the bumps, huh?

You interest me, strangely.

I feel an... affinity between us.

A destiny that guides our ends.

Fine, you take care of your
end, I'll take care of mine.

Ah, it is clearing now.

I see you meeting a dark woman

- somewhere else.
- Oh, er...

it wouldn't be you, would it?

It might be.

Yes, it is me.

Fine. When?

I see a clock.

It says... midnight?

Midnight it is. Where?

I see a house.

It is the tenth house in
the Street of Many Fools.

Oh, 10 Downing Street.

I'll be there.

- Well, what happened?
- Where? What do you mean? Oh. Oh.

Nothing at all. She just told
my fortune. Nothing to it.

Oh. Well, we'll soon
see about that.

Sit down. Where do you
think you're going?

- The sergeant's right, sir.
- Well, I like that.

Didn't you just tell me
to find another woman?

Yes, sir. I mean a
lady of breeding, sir.

A woman of that type's only
looking for one thing.

Good, I'll go and
help her find it.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Sergeant, do you

think he's going to be all right?

Good, you have come. I was
just going to send for you.

You were? Really?

Yes. You fascinate me, strangely.

Please, sit down.

Oh.

You have a very interesting head.

Well? What does it tell you?

Well, this one here,
this big bump,

this indicates that you are
very romantic and passionate.

That's very funny. That's where
I was hit by a cricket ball.

But you are passionate.
I feel it here.

Is it not true?

Well, I did once breathe rather

heavily down my music
teacher's neck.

She was showing me
some five-finger

exercises and I lost my senses.

Is that all? You mean you
have never kissed a woman?

Oh... oh, yes.

But never one wearing a veil.

What difference does my veil make?

Well, it would be like sucking
a toffee with the paper on.

And if I were to take it off?

Oh, yes.

It is well, but it is forbidden
for me to remove it in public.

Of course, if you were to...
come to my house later...

Yes?

About ten minutes after midnight?

Yes? Yes?

There will be a whole toffee
assortment with no papers on.

Must you go? This last hour has

been an experience
I cannot forget.

Oh, yes, it's been fun, but
I really must see Bo now.

Very well, he will be at the Café
Zigazig. I will take you there.

Oh, no. I must see him alone.
Surely you understand that.

Very well, my love,
but be careful.

It is not safe for a young
woman to go about alone.

Papa told me that before I left,
but nothing's happened to me yet.

- Nothing unpleasant, that is.
- Out here, it's different.

These hot-blooded Arabs, once they
get you amongst the sand dunes...

Oh, do tell me. What do they do?

I cannot tell you, but
there's an old Arab saying,

"There's many a good fiddle
played on an old dune."

On an old dune.

So, be careful, my love.

Ok, fellas, let's
take the short cut.

Who is this woman?

What woman?

She of the skin the
colour of camel tripes.

I do not know. Why?

I desire her.

Bring her to me.

Good night. I'm having
a little shuteye.

See you later. So
long. Good night.

Bye.

He doesn't seem to be
here at the moment.

I'm sure you will find
the one you are seeking.

In the meantime, perhaps
you would care to

accept the hospitality
of my humble dwelling?

Oh, how kind. Do you
live near here?

My encampment is at the Oasis
El Nooki, in the desert.

- Amongst the sand dunes?
- Naturally.

I thought as much. Thank
you very much, but

I feel I ought to stay
somewhere in town.

As you wish. Perhaps you
will change your mind.

- You will have a drink?
- Thank you.

- What is it?
- We call it sherbet.

Sherbet.

I haven't had any sherbet
since I was a little girl.

It's... harmless, isn't it?

Of course, if drunk... quickly.

It doesn't taste quite
the same as I remember.

Delicious, though. Really.

Oh.

Do you know, I think
I shall accept

your offer of kind hospitality.

I am honoured.

We will leave immediately.

Oh. Oh.

Whoops.

I'm travelling alone,
you know. Ha-ha.

Yoo-hoo. It's me.
The desirable one.

Enter, O desirable one.

I got something for you.

I am here. In the bedroom.

Ha-how.

Who needs you?

This'll be a night
to remember, baby.

By the time I'm through
with you, you won't know...

what hit you.

Enter, O desirable one.

- Hello.
- I am here, in the bedroom.

Oh, I do beg your
pardon. I'll wait here.

No. No. You must come in here.

I am in bed.

Oh, aren't you feeling well?

No. No. I am just cold.

I need to be warmed.

Wo... would you like me to...
get you a hot-water bottle?

No. Do you not understand?
I just want you.

Oh.

Well, if you don't mind
me seeing you in bed.

I say, it's... it's
rather dark in here.

I... Argh.

It's all right, Miss Corktip,
you can come out now.

Oh. No. You won't need that.
There's no more of them.

It's those two chaps
who were bothering

you in the café,
earlier on this...

Luckily, I learned a bit
of the old jujitsu.

I... Oh. I say. I
do beg your pardon.

You haven't got your topcoat on.

There, I'll just turn my back.

Jezebel.

I'll never trust another
woman as long as I live.

Disgusting. If you did that in
England, you'd get fined £5.

Where are we, Sergeant?
Do you know?

Yes, this is the Oasis El Nooki.

It's the only water hole

within 200 miles.

You have done well.
You will be rewarded.

I want no other reward
than to be favoured

with the loving
attentions of my lord.

It shall be done. Wait in my tent.

I hope you had a pleasant
journey, gentlemen.

No. We have been
treated outrageously

and I demand to see
the British Consul.

Did I say something funny?

I don't know, but keep going,
he might rupture something.

Quiet, you miserable
camel droppings.

I beg your pardon? You can't talk
to a British subject like that.

Hey, take it easy,
Bo. Take it easy.

No, I won't.

I will not be humiliated
in this manner.

If you're going to kill us,
why don't you shoot us now?

That is an excellent idea.

You and your big mouth.

But first, I require
some information.

Of course, anything you want
to know, just fire away.

How many accursed
legionnaires are there

at the outpost in
Fort Zuassantneuf?

Let me see. How many legionnaires
at Fort Zuassantneuf? Er...

You're not going to
tell him, are you?

Why not? It's a harmless question.

Well, of course it isn't. He wants
to find out so he can attack it.

Oh, come off it, Bo. Not him.

- Not this kindly old gentleman.
- It is true.

The infidels will
all perish when the

second crescent of the moon enters

- Orion's third phase.
- When is that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires
at Fort Zuassantneuf,

and then the infidels
at Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

It has been ordained by the
prophet, Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Now, you will tell
me. How many men?

You know, for the moment, it
seems to have slipped my mind.

If I could pop back
to the barracks

and have a word with
our Kommandant.

Don't trifle with
me, accursed one.

Perhaps a little torture
will help you to remember.

You have until nightfall
to come to your senses.

If not... they will come off.

One by one.

One by one? I suppose
he means our ears.

That's my boy. Always thinking
of the higher things.

Look, chiefie, if
you could just have

a word and talk this over sensibly

with this er... Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

I don't know, it must be
number one on the hit parade.

Away with them.

Argh.

Good.

Now you.

Someone is coming.

Pow. Pow.

Good boy.

Get his clothes.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

If we could only get
to those horses.

How are ya? I lost a cuff link. It
must be around here some place.

I'm sure I could find
it if I looked...

Stop.

- I think they've spotted us.
- You must be kidding.

Kill them.

Wait.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Run for it.

After them.

Quick. In there.

Man, you gotta hand
it to these Arabs.

They got the craziest
camping equipment.

Allah is smiling down on me.

- I think we ought to leave.
- Why?

Well, they've hardly
any clothes on.

That's a reason?

Well, I'm going.
I'd rather die out

there than in here with this lot.

What are you, some kind of a nut?

I have to remember
the family name.

- West, sir.
- Thank you, Simpson.

They're just waiting out there.

Let me see.

Why don't they come and get us?

Wait a minute.

This is the harem tent.

By their laws, no
man may enter here.

- Only the eunuchs.
- What are they?

You'll never know how close
you came to finding out.

Sergeant, do you mean
that all these ladies

- are the sheikh's wives?
- What's so terrible about that?

Think, all those mothers-in-law.

Surely the sheikh
himself is allowed in?

No.

Then what's the good
in having them all?

It's like playing cricket with no

bails. There's nothing
to knock off.

You don't understand.

Whenever he feels like a
game, he sends for one.

He don't travel. He just
plays on his own ground.

You mean that all the while we're
in here, then, we're safe.

That's right. I'm afraid we're
stuck in here. What a pity.

And now, girls, how about
some of that Turkish delight?

Don't frighten them, Sergeant.

I do apologise for the
intrusion, ladies, but

I can assure you that
we will do you no harm.

Here, stop making
promises I can't keep.

What's all that noise?
I'm trying to sleep.

I was having such a lovely dream,

full of fabulous men,
all travelling alone.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Jane.

- Is that you, Abdul?
- No, it's me, Bo.

Bo to you, too.

Jane, what's the matter with
you? No, it's me. Bo West.

That Bo?

Oh, fancy seeing you here.
Oh. Oh, kiss me, Bo.

Jane, please.

You men in there.

Hearken to me.

Quiet. Let's hearken.

Come out of there, and I give you
my word I will spare your lives.

If not, eventually,
you will all die.

Horribly.

It's Abdul. He's a frightful dear.
Wants me to be his number 13.

- Number 13?
- Wife, you know.

We might as well surrender.

Certainly not. I'm
not leaving Jane

here to become part
of a baker's dozen.

Well, it's better than being dead,

isn't it? Besides,
13 ain't too bad.

She'll have 12 days off.

No. No, we've got to get help.

One of you will have to get away.

Not me, sir. My place
is by your side.

Thank you, Simpson. It's
up to you, Sergeant.

- Thanks a lot. What do I do?
- I've been thinking.

We'll go out, and you creep
under the flap and run.

Well, how do I do that?

Grab a horse and
stampede the rest.

Sire. I... What am I
saluting you for?

All this grass, no
time left to graze.

Come out of that tent.

It's all right, we're coming out.

Bye-bye, Bo.

Seize them.

There are only two.

Where is the other infidel?

Look, Effendi.

Stop.

Let him go.

It worked. Nocker, old boy, I
think you've pulled it off.

You'll be a real
hero now. That's it.

Real. Ho. Good boy,
Nocker. You've done it.

They'll write books about
you. "Nocker of the

Foreign Legion." That's
what they'll call you.

I like that sound. Nocker
of the Foreign Legion.

Jolly good.

Aha.

Aaah...

Did you ever have
one of those days

when nothing seemed to go right?

Aaah. Here. Here. Whoa.

Here.

So, let me understand
quite clearly

what you have told us, madame.

You say that four nights ago

Sergeant Nocker was in your café
with these other two legionnaires.

- Correct?
- That is right.

Then he go off with
this woman. Corktip.

Ye... yes. And you
further say that

he is still with
this woman. Correct?

Of course. Where
else, the dirty pig?

So, all the time he was
supposedly out on patrol alone,

he was, in reality,
staying with you.

- Correct?
- That is right.

I tell you, for years
he has been with me.

And then this woman
come along and...

Perhaps you would
like to use this.

No, thanks, I went before I came.

Yes. Very well. Thank
you for coming forward

with this information.
You may go now.

Ok.

I like you. Why don't you come
and see Zigzig some time?

I think I've got all I want
from you, madame, thank you.

You think so?

Well, perhaps there are
a couple of points

I'd like to go over
with you later.

Good. Soon?

Interesting, Le Pice.

Very interesting.
What is her name?

Mon Kommandant, her
name is Zigzig.

Zigzig? Oh, that's a strange name.

It is an old Arabic
word for serving woman,

meaning, "She who handeth
it out on a platter."

Yes, and all the time
she's been handing

it out on the platter
to Sergeant Nocker.

Oh my God. What fools he
has been making of us.

I know. All these
stories about lone

patrol and killing
hundreds of Riffs.

And all the time,
he and she were...

Yes. And I've been giving
him medals for it.

Open up. It's me. Sergeant Nocker.

Open up.

Kommandant. Kommandant.
Sergeant Nocker's back.

Quick, Le Pice.

Sergeant Nocker reporting
back from patrol, sir.

And what, I wonder, have you got
to report this time, Sergeant?

Bad news, sir. Fort Zuassantneuf,
it's going to be attacked.

And how did you acquire
that information?

Yes, sir. Legionnaires
West, Simpson

and me were taken
prisoners by them.

- After a stiff fight, of course.
- Of course.

Yes, we were taken to the Oasis El

Nooki, but I managed,
by sheer audacity,

to escape and come
back to warn you, sir.

Four days on foot across
the burning hot sand, sir.

Enough. This is unbelievable.

Yes, it was quite a feat, sir.

Well, you heard the Kommandant.

Get the tray. Get the medals.

- Nein, nein, nein.
- One medal will be enough, sir.

You will have no more medals
from me, Schweinhund.

Schweinhund?

You have made a fool of
me for the last time.

Killing 53 tribesmen
single-handed?

Rescuing legionnaires
from certain death?

Lies, lies, lies.

Sir, what are you doing? I got
those medals for bravery.

No, not for bravery, but for
jiggery-pokery. Take him away.

What happened?

What did I say?

Herr Kommandant.

About Sergeant Nocker, sir. He's
been there for three days, now.

He has decided to tell the truth?

I'm afraid not,
sir. He still keeps

insisting on some ridiculous story

about West and Simpson and an
English woman being held prisoner.

You did not tell me this before.

An English woman, you
say? Not... not...

Lady Jane.

I believe that was her name, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, turn
out the entire company.

- Yes, yes, mon Kommandant.
- Full packs, arms,

- ammunition.
- Yes, yes.

And release Sergeant Nocker.

Yes, yes.

Well, stop yes outing
and get on with it.

Legion, left turn.

Legion, forward.

On. On.

Faster. Faster.

No stopping. On your
feet, you scum. On. On.

Look.

The oasis.

What's happened?
Where's everyone gone?

Where's Lady Jane? Where is she?

I warned you, if you have brought
us here on a wild-goose's chase...

Sir, I gave you my
word. They were here.

Kommandant. Look.

Vultures.

- Vultures? You don't think...?
- Oh, I don't like this.

They've got a bone to
pick with someone.

No, no. Not my sweetheart, Jane.

Halt.

Look, sir.

It's all right. He's
still breathing.

I do not care. Where
is my sweetheart?

Oh. Alas, poor Jane,
I knew her well.

Aw, come on, sir, that's
a skull of a man.

- How can you tell?
- By the jawbone.

A woman's gets worn down from
the constant ya-ta-ta ya-ta-ta.

- Then what's happened to her?
- Mother.

Mothe...? Mothe...?
It's me, Bo. Nocker.

Poor devil, he's half
out of his mind.

He's been under this
sun for a week.

Yes, but I think
he's trying to tell

us something. Yes,
West, what is it?

Turn... me over.

I want to do my back.

Argh. She might be being
murdered, and all

he can think of is
getting an even tan.

Oh, don't pay any attention
to him, sir. He's delirious.

Boy, where is she?
Where is Lady Jane?

Took her. Took her with them
to raid Fort Zuassantneuf.

Ah, then we are not too late.
Look after him, Sergeant.

Ok, sir. Take it easy,
you'll be all right.

We leave at once for Fort
Zuassantneuf. Fall in.

Oh, Herr Kommandant, it is many

miles away. There
is no water left.

Fool. We can fill
our water bottles

at the oasis. Come on. Jump to it.

Those fiendish devils.

Now you see why I let
the sergeant go.

He will lead them
straight into my trap.

- Do we attack them now, Effendi?
- No, no.

We wait two or three days.

Without water, they
will be weaker then.

I did not say halt.
March, you swines. March.

Sir, the men have been
marching for two days

without a rest. They
must have a break, sir.

Very well. One hour. That's all.

Thank you, sir, you're all heart.

All right, good news, you monkeys.

Fall out for one hour.

- One hour.
- One hour's rest, sarge.

Sir, I'm rather
worried about morale.

If we don't get water soon,
you'll have trouble from the men.

You are the adjutant,
Capitaine Le Pice.

It is your job to keep
their minds occupied

so they forget about their thirst.

As a matter of fact, I did
have rather a good idea.

Then act on it, Le
Pice. Act on it.

I'd love to.

God in heaven. Fool.

They have stopped. Effendi.

But what is it they are doing?

Kommandant Burger, we're
all ready for you.

- And you'll be amazed.
- Good.

Strange.

I think the time has
come to attack.

Tell my warriors to make ready.

Fun, ain't it, sir?

It's lovely weather, huh?

Yes, they are good, these castles.

They are all so
very good, I think.

Mm, yes, this one, too.

But I think this one.

This one is the best.
First prize, Clotski.

What? Mine's better than his.

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah.

Stop it. Stop it.
It's only a game.

Stop it, I tell you. Argh. Oh. Oh.

Come on. You two.

Now, what I...

Simpson, tread on his.

Our men are ready
to attack, Effendi.

Wait. I think the job
is being done for us.

We do not need to
attack these fools.

Pass the word.

We march on Fort
Zuassantneuf immediately.

The prophet has truly said.

The behaviour of
the white infidels

is like blood coming from a stone.

Bleeding mystery.

Oh, you beaver.

Sorry, sorry. All
right. Take it easy.

Just relax. Oh, ok.

All right, all right, all right.

- That's it, sir.
- How many casualties, Sergeant?

- 16, sir.
- 16?

It's disgraceful.
Absolutely disgusting.

Oh, come on, sir.
They're a good bunch of

boys, just letting
off a bit of steam.

But 16 casualties.

You, Le Pice, with
your bright ideas.

Well, you don't have
to blame me. Oh,

you really can be a rotten Burger.

- Sergeant.
- Sir.

Sort out those fit enough to
march on Fort Zuassantneuf.

Sir, all that way without water?

We must go on. Not
only to save Lady

Jane, but to relieve the garrison.

- But what about the captain, sir?
- You won't be taking Le Pice.

I'm asking a serious
question, sir.

What about the captain?

You fool. I mean Le Pice
will not be coming with us.

I am sending him back
to Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

He will fetch reinforcements.

- Le Pice.
- Yes, Kommandant.

- I wish to see the map.
- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Ah.

Here is our objective.

Fort Zuassantneuf. And here
is our present position.

Left... turn.

For... ward.

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left,
right, left, right...

Sergeant.

Legionnaires, attention.

Forward march.

Hup.

Simpson, look. A well.

A well.

Hurray.

Hurray, there's a...

Hey, hey, relax. Take it easy.

- Did you see?
- It was there.

Shut up. There's nothing there.

There was, Sergeant. It's a well.

Mr Bo's right, Sergeant.
There was a well.

Of course there was a well. And
you're Jack, and you're Jill.

Where is it? Where did it go to?

Look, kid, it was never
there. It's a mirage.

A mirage? I don't believe it.

You don't believe it. Well, I'll

prove it to you.
You see this coin?

Coin, right? Coin.

I will now throw it
down the well. Here.

See?

Sergeant, you should
have made a wish.

I wish you'd shut up.

What about the well?

What about the well?

Move it. Move it. Move.

Sir.

Look. Ah. I can't believe it.

Wa-hey.

Sim...

Simpson. There's no wa...

Where's the water?

Another mirage. It even
had me fooled that time.

Look at that.

Restaurant, bar, dancing. Now
that's what I call a mirage.

It has been seen
many times before.

Come, we must go on.

I told you it was a
mistake building

right out here. Nobody ever stops.

I cannot stand it no
more. I've had enough.

I cannot stand it, I tell
you. I cannot stand it.

- What's the matter, Clotski?
- I'm thirsty.

I think he wants water.

Don't look at me. What
can I do about it?

I cannot make water.

- We're done for.
- Simpson.

No, sir, we'll never get out of
here alive. Look at the vultures.

To hell with you. To
hell with all of you.

Go on. Do your worst.

Ooh. Blimey, one did.

Men. You must pull
yourselves together.

There's plenty of
water at the fort.

On. On. We must go on.

Ooh, sir, he does go on.

♪ Oh, I do like to be
beside the seaside ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to
be beside the sea ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to stroll
along the prom, prom, prom ♪

♪ Where the brass band
plays tiddly-om-pom-pom ♪

♪ To be beside the seaside ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to
be beside the sea ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to stroll ♪

Look. The fort.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Get out of the way.
Get out of the way.

Do you mind?

I say, sir, are...
are we too late?

♪ Arabic music ♪

Well, I've heard
this sort of music

before. It's for a
wedding celebration.

Oh, is that all?

Yes, it's when the chief
is taking another wife.

Good luck to him. He's
got twelve already.

And another wife...

Number thirteen? Lady Jane?

Oh, no.

Now, don't panic, sir.
It may not be too late.

Er, Kommandant, sir, is it a
before or an after celebration?

Before. It is to wish the
chief an abundant harvest.

It's called The Song Of The Oats.

Oh, no. Let's hurry,
before it's too late.

There she is.

There is still time.
This music is to wish

the chief great
virility and endurance.

The day of the morrow, we
march on Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

But the night of tonight,

to mark your gallant victory,

I, your chief,

will take another wife to bosom.

Go to my tent.

The hour of your
fulfilment approaches.

Oh, look here, do I
have to be fulfilled?

Take her.

Oh.

My people,

the time is nigh.

I wish mine was. I could use
a nigh old time right now.

Come, we will try and
work our way round

and up under the back of her tent.

But she isn't wearing one.

Are all with us.

But first,

in accordance with the
custom of our tribe,

you will all give your gifts
to the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you.

Jane.

Bo.

Don't make a sound.

All right, come on.

Oh, Bo. Bo.

Dear, dear Jane.

- Are we... are we in time?
- For what?

Well, you know. Has
he...? Have you?

Oh, no, he hasn't.
But neither have I.

- My love.
- Maximilian.

My love.

Do not worry, Max is
here. I will take

you to the fort. You
will be safe there.

I wouldn't like to bet on that.

If you'll pardon me, sir, it's
time I got Lady Jane out of here.

He's right, go ahead.
I'll keep watch.

Look out. Somebody's coming.

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you very much, I'm sure.

All right, what was
all that about?

They keep bringing money for him.

For him? You mean he
gets paid for it?

Boy, I'm in the wrong racket.

This is not good. If they
keep coming in and out,

one of them will see Lady Jane
is missing and raise the alarm.

That's right, we need ten minutes

to get her safely
back to the fort.

Hey, maybe one of us
could take her place.

That's a good idea, Sergeant.

- Somebody small.
- Exactly, Sergeant.

Like you.

Maybe it's not such a
good idea, after all.

But it is, Simpson. It's an
absolutely splendid one.

Quickly, my love, go behind the
screen and change the clothes.

That shouldn't take long.

Well, get a move on,
Simpson. Take them off.

Oh, very well, sir.
Do you mind, sir?

Well?

- Do I have to, sir?
- If you don't mind, Simpson.

Very well, sir.

- Hurry it up, will you, you guys?
- We're ready.

He wants to do. Quickly,
my love. This way.

Thanks. Simmy.

Sir, what am I going to do,
sir, when the chief comes?

That's a good question,
Simpson, and

er... I wish I knew a good answer.

Thank you, sir.

Don't forget, we need a
good clear ten minutes.

Now, you mustn't let him
find out till then.

Sir.

Sir, Mr Bo, sir, he's bound to
find out when my time is nigh.

But, Sergeant, you're not going to

leave me alone with
this man, are you?

Simmy, relax. All brides are
nervous on their wedding night.

But I don't know what to do.

Just keep calm, and keep
your fingers crossed, too.

Well, remember, if
things go wrong,

you can always escape through
the trap door at the back.

- Have fun.
- But, Sergeant.

My people. You have given enough.

I can wait no longer.

I'm really engaged to a very

well-known butcher
in Wolverhampton.

- Come, my little...
- No, not this week.

Lily of the Nile.

- Come, O sweet one.
- No, no. No, no.

Come.

You see, I'm only
here for two weeks.

Aye, aye. You can put that away.

- I will have you.
- No, no. No, no.

Open the gates, Clotski. It's us.

Come on.

Has the chief found
out about Simpson?

I don't think so.

- Argh. Help.
- He has now.

Oh. Oh. Hello, boys.

Stop him. Stop him.

I have been tricked.

Bring me this man.

I will have his kidneys
grilled for breakfast.

I swear it by the
prophet Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Never mind all that
claptrap, you fools.

After him. After him.

Here he comes.

Give him covering fire.

Oh. Oh. Oh, let me in.

Accursed ones.

You will all die for this.

I, Abdul Abulbul, swear it.

You will all die at dawn.

Well, that makes sense. That
mob against the six of us.

All is not lost yet,
Sergeant. There

are still two hours before dawn.

Come, let us see what's
in the storeroom.

Not much ammunition, Sergeant.

Well, there's gunpowder.

A gramophone. That's
just what we needed.

I suppose we could
give them the needle.

Sergeant.

I thought I'd inject a little
humour in a tense moment.

And over there. You see? Figs,
dates, senna pods, cascara.

They couldn't have been
regular troops, sir.

Let's see. They've got
indigestion tablets,

glucose tablets, salt
tablets, the pill,

and...

The pill?

What do you suppose
they use that for?

I can't conceive.

And you see over here? Gum Arabic.

We need gum Arabic.

We need it like we need
a hole in the head.

That's the luck
we're running here.

We can't find anything... Hold it.

Gum Arabic. Gum...

Sir, it might just work.

Come, now. Now.

Come on, come on.
Push. Push. Push.

So, you see, dearest Bo, you
didn't trip Humphrey at all.

He deliberately told a
lie to dishonour you.

And so, you, dear
sweet wonderful Jane

travelled all this way
alone to tell me?

Oh, it was nothing. Everybody
was terribly kind.

In fact, they couldn't do enough.

How sweet.

Do you realise what
this means, Simpson?

My name is cleared. We
can return to England.

Yes, sir, if we ever
get out of this lot.

Now. Now.

We will move into position now.

Stop firing.

They are on the run.

Argh. Oh. Oh. Argh.

Oh. Argh.

♪ Rousing German song ♪

Stop firing.

A relief force.

♪ What the hunter does ♪

♪ The rose stays here ♪

♪ And gave her here ♪

What did I tell you?
We got 'em worried.

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, but keep a
lookout. They'll attack

once they know what's happening.

♪ And he speaks ♪

♪ The girl on ♪

Oh, that's torn it.

We've got a few surprises
left for them.

Attack. Kill.

Look out. Here they come.

Kill.

All right, look alive. Another
50 yards, they'll be in it.

Kill. Kill them.

Go on. Go on, you fools. Attack
and kill them. Go on, kill them.

Bingo. Let 'em have it.

I'm enjoying this, you know.

Well, don't just
hold it, throw it.

Oh.

Just like old times, sir.

Thank you, sir. Argh. Ooh.

Go on. Go on, you fools.

Argh.

Here. More ammunition, quick.

- There's no more ammunition left.
- Hey, Cricket Joe.

More bombs.

Close of play, Sergeant.
They're all finished.

Well, that's done
it. The minute they

get out of that goo, we're cooked.

Ooh. I do believe we've
come in the nick.

Company.

We're moving into action.

Forward.

This time you win, but I
shall have my revenge.

I swear it.

Hey.

Simmy, baby, I told
you we'd... Hold it.

What's happened to the Kommandant?

- Have you been hit, sir?
- Yes, in many places.

Have some water, sir.
You'll feel better.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Sergeant Nocker.

Yeah. Kommandant.
If you don't mind.

Bo. How are you? Lady Jane.

Oh, it's good to see you,
Sergeant. Can you stay a while?

Well, I just didn't come for
tea and crumpets, old boy.

Wonderful. I'll get Simpson
to collect your things.

Hold it. Never mind
that, I got my own

batman. Look alive. On the double.

Left, right, left, right, hee-yah.

Your batman?

Well, you must admit,
it's better than Robin.

Oh. Excuse me. Sir.

You're in.

Oh, thank you very
much indeed, Simpson.

Well, I'll see you
in a few moments,

Kommandant. Have a
talk with my wife.

Give 'em a good go, Bo.

Well, Lady Jane, you're
looking lovelier than ever.

Thank you.

And I see you've been
kept rather busy.

Oh, yes. Look.

Isn't he adorable? The
image of his father.

How is that?

Not out.