Carry On... Follow That Camel (1967) - full transcript

Another one like that

and we've won. My word,

this is a great event

for you, my dear.

Watching two of your

hottest suitors

making a last wicket

stand together.

Bo and Humphrey do

everything together.

Yes.

Howzat?

He's out.

- Bad luck, sir.

- Thank you, Simpson.

We only had four more

runs to get, sir.

Well, it's all in

the game, Simpson.

Hard luck, Humph, old man.

Take your hands off me, you cad.

What's up, old man?

You know damn well what's up.

You deliberately tripped me.

- Humphrey, what are you saying?

- You tripped me.

Now, just a minute, gentlemen.

This is an extremely grave charge

you're making, Captain Bagshaw.

Mr West, is there any truth in it?

No, of course not.

Humphrey's my friend.

Why would I want to

do a thing like that?

Then you're saying Captain

Bagshaw is a liar.

Well, no, I don't

mean that, but... he

must have tripped

over his bootlace.

My bootlace? The lace on

my elastic-sided boots?

Oh, Bo, how could you do

such a despicable thing?

Mr West, you are no longer

welcome in my house,

nor as a member of

my cricket team.

Come, Jane.

I've lost her, Simpson.

This letter has just

arrived for you, milady.

Thank you, Nightingale. Excuse me.

What is it, my beloved?

It's Bo. It's Mr West, he's...

My dearest Jane, by the time

you receive this letter,

I shall have left this

country for good.

The only hope I have

of forgetting the

terrible things that have happened

is to join the French

Foreign Legion.

Oh, no.

Excuse me.

Oh, never mind, my dear. His life

wouldn't have been

worth living here.

No other cricket club

would have accepted him.

Oh.

What the...?

Well, cut him down,

someone. Cut him down.

He's dripping all

over my best carpet.

Excuse me, milady.

Oh, Humphrey. What

made you do it? Why?

I...

lied.

Bo... Bo didn't trip me.

I... fell...

on purpose.

Oh, Bo.

Dearest Bo, what

have we done to you?

- Whoa, Cleo.

- Is this it, Simpson?

Yes, sir. Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

- Well, get me down, Simpson.

- Certainly, sir.

Hey, you. Arab fellow.

Camel up. Obo.

Argh. Ooh.

My foot...

Let go of the thing.

Damn it, I'll never

get used to that.

I expected the back

end to go down first.

Oh.

Oh, well, never mind that.

Find out where one

joins up around here.

Yes, sir.

Let's try that café over there.

Very well, sir.

Anyone home?

Good morning, madam. My name

is Bertram Oliphant West.

Well, I'm sorry, but

what can I do about it?

My name is Zigzig. And what

can you do about that?

No, no, you misunderstand

me, madam.

I merely wish to ask where one

goes to join the Foreign Legion.

Ah, just one moment.

- I go ask the sergeant.

- Sergeant?

Sergeant Nocker. He is important

man in Legion. He know everything.

Is he here?

Oh, yes.

Often.

Perhaps it's the married

quarters, Simpson.

Ah.

Hello, sugar date.

Not now, baby. I gotta

get some sleep.

Hey, hey, hey.

What is this strange

fascination I have over them?

Why can't they let me

alone but for a moment?

Heart of my heart, I

only want to talk.

You go right ahead and

talk, sugar date.

You talk while I get some sleep.

No, no, no, don't go to sleep yet.

There are two men here who

are wanting to join you.

Nothing doing. Let them

find their own bed.

No, no. To join you in the Legion.

Simple. Let them report

to headquarters.

It's just the other side of town.

Ok. I tell them.

And then come back.

But you just say

you want to sleep.

Can I help it if my tongue

don't know how my mind works?

♪ Fanfare ♪

Legion. Legion, present arms.

What's this?

Capitaine Le Pice.

Yes. Yes.

- Hello. Did anybody call?

- Capitaine Le Pice.

- Kommandant Burger.

- Look.

Spring flowers.

- Spring flowers?

- Early bloomers.

This is no joke.

Pull those bloomers down.

Pull them down.

Herr Kommandant, not so loud.

Anyone listening outside the fort

will wonder what's going on.

I don't care about those

pigs. Pull them down.

I want to get to the

bottom of this.

Capitaine Le Pice,

the man who is responsible

for this will be

buried in the sand up

to here, head-first.

Find out who he is.

- But how?

- How? Use your brains.

Search the lockers. Find out which

one wears underwear like this.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,

no legionnaire

would wear anything like these.

How do you know? We get

all sorts in the Legion.

And it's our custom

not to ask questions.

- Perhaps it's time we started.

- Oh, Herr Kommandant. Look.

There is a message

written on the back.

Well, it can't be a

message from the front.

What is...? "Death to

all Legion infidels.

Your time is nigh. The

flaming sword is spoken."

What is that? What flaming sword?

Herr Kommandant, it

is an emblem of the

leader of the Riffs,

Sheikh Abdul Abulbul.

They have got my message.

Let us give them a taste

of what is soon to come.

It's a disgrace.

I intend to get to

the bottom of...

Attack. Attack.

See how the mice run.

But the time is not yet.

- We will go.

- Effendi, look what comes.

Ah, this appears to

be the place, sir.

Oh, well, help me down,

will you, Simpson?

Ho. Camel, Bo-Bo.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha. I've got it.

Oooh. Oh.

Oh, sir. Keep still, sir.

It has been truly said.

The mind of the white infidel

is like the action

of the cleanser.

Clean round the bend.

This way, sir.

Ah, well, Simpson, the... the time

has come to say

goodbye, old friend.

No, sir, I can't do it.

I can't leave you

here like this. I'm

going to join the

Foreign Legion, too.

Oh, Simpson.

Simmy.

Not in front of the natives, sir.

- Oh.

- Sorry, sir.

Shall I er...? Shall I knock now?

- Please do that, Simpson.

- Excuse me, sir.

Kommandant, I think there is

someone knocking at the gate.

The nerve of the dogs. Do they

expect me to let them in?

Ah, perhaps that would

be the wisest move.

- Never. Over your dead body.

- Ooh.

I've got something in store for

them they didn't bargain for.

Move out the cannon

and load with grape.

And if you haven't got any grape,

load with some other fruit.

Come on, you men. Move out the

cannons. Get out your grapes.

Perhaps they don't want

our services, sir.

Nonsense. They're always

looking for recruits.

They'll welcome us with open arms.

Get out your grapes.

There, what did I tell you?

Fire.

So, you came to join

the Foreign Legion?

Yes, we keep telling you that.

Are you aware this place has

just been under heavy attack?

How do I know you are

not one of them?

Oh, no, sir.

Spies. Sent in here

to learn our secrets.

Spies? How dare you, sir.

We are English gentlemen.

Don't talk to me about

your English gentlemen's.

I have seen what you

scribble on the

walls of your English gentlemen's.

Mr West has never

so much as raised a

finger to a wall.

He's a man of honour.

If he is a man of

so much honour, why

does he need to join

the Foreign Legion?

I can't tell you that.

Ah, so. Perhaps you

lost your honour

on the playing fields of Eton.

That was not Mr West's fault.

There was a gardener's daughter...

Simpson.

So, good. You can enlist.

But be careful, you

will be watched.

At the first sign of any

treachery, the firing squad.

The firing squad? Oh,

we'll enjoy that, sir.

- Mr West is an excellent shot.

- Le Pice. Take them away.

Yes, Kommandant Burger.

Recruits. Attention.

Right turn.

Quick march.

- After you, sir.

- No, that's all right.

- Oh, I insist.

- No, Simpson.

Get out.

- Le Pice.

- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Turn them over to the

colour sergeant.

He will make soldiers of them.

Oh, er... didn't you know, sir?

Sergeant Nocker hasn't

returned from patrol yet.

Not back yet? But it's been six

days. Was he by himself again?

Ah, sugar date, hold

it right here, sugar.

Sergeant, do you

have to go back now?

Oh, come on, sugar date.

I explained to you.

We had six wonderful

days together.

Heaven. It was great.

It really was swinging.

But, baby, I belong here.

I've got my work to do.

Come back now.

Honey, can't I explain to you? I'm

a sergeant. I'm an important man.

- How do you think I got these?

- How did you get them?

Well, if I was to tell

you, you'd be even

more crazy about me

than you are now.

You're a good girl.

Thanks a lot, honey.

- Thanks for the lift.

- I have a good ass, no?

Give me a break, will you?

It's a vast country, I can't

take care of all of 'em.

Oh, well, back to

the humdrum life.

♪ When Johnny Comes

Marching Home ♪

Let me in.

Let me in, for pity's sakes.

Herr Kommandant. Sergeant

Nocker. He's back.

Impossible.

But yes, Herr Kommandant.

He's at the gates.

My God.

Colour Sergeant Nocker

reporting, sir.

Back from patrol. I...

No, sir. Thank you,

sir. I'll be all right.

After all, I've

just been five days

without food or water, that's all.

Bring water, quickly.

Did I say water? Thank you, sir.

I'll be all right. I

must file my report.

- Drink, Sergeant.

- No, thank...

Thank you, sir. Delicious, sir.

And now, Sergeant, if you feel

strong enough, your report.

Yes, sir. Well, last

Saturday, I got

a tip-off there would be an attack

on Fort Zuassantneuf.

It cost me 20 francs,

but I don't mind if I

don't get it back. It

was worth it, sir.

Sergeant, you will get it back.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You're a brick.

I thought I'd better

get to the garrison

and warn them immediately, sir.

At Zuassantneuf? But that's

over 200 kilometres away.

But what does that

matter, sir, with the

lives of fellow

legionnaires at stake, sir?

You went alone? What happened?

I was attacked by this

murderous group of Riffs.

Ah, so you were surprised.

I mean, what chance did I have?

One legionnaire against

a hundred Riffs?

A hundred?

But you don't have to

worry about them, sir.

Not with half their number dead.

I can hardly believe it.

I can hardly believe it myself.

I had to count them twice, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, this gallantry

merits immediate recognition.

I will get the box,

Herr Kommandant.

Sergeant Nocker, I

salute your bravery.

You have acted in the highest

traditions of the Legion.

Oh, sir, you're embarrassing

me in front of the men.

Oh, sir, this isn't necessary.

I have enough medals.

It is a proud moment just

to serve for you, sir.

I don't... Oh, there's a goody.

Yes, this one here. Mm.

Solid silver. Splendid.

Thank you, sir.

Jane, my dear, I still

think you're wrong to go.

Oh, Papa, I must. Don't you see?

It was mainly because

of me that Bo left.

And it's my duty to

find him and tell

him that his name has

now been cleared.

Oh, very well, but please

be careful, my dear.

You've led far too

sheltered a life to know

what can possibly

happen to a young woman

travelling alone.

I have a first-class seat

reserved on the train.

Oh, I'm not bothered about

your seat. There'll be men.

What can men do to me?

Oh, far too sheltered a life.

Bye, my dear.

Oh, good morning, miss. I just

wanted to punch your ticket.

- Punch my ticket?

- That's right.

Are you er... Are you

travelling alone, miss?

Well, yes. Why?

Oh.

Well, there's er...

nothing to it, really.

What a funny way to

punch my ticket.

♪ Reveille ♪

Wake up, you dogs. Wake up.

Wake up. You... Wake up.

Come on. You sons of dogs.

Sleeping will stop now.

What are you doing?

Hey. You. Wake up.

- Good morning, sir.

- Oh, good morning, Simpson.

It appears it's time to rise, sir.

Oh, thank you very

much. Where's the tea?

There doesn't seem to

be any served yet, sir.

Oh.

Well, in that case, run

my bath, would you?

I regret to inform you, sir, that

I've been unable to find a bath.

No baths?

No, sir. I'm given to

understand that...

- Oh, dare I say it, sir?

- Please dare.

That one uses a horse

trough outside, sir.

Oh, well, in that

case, run my trough.

Thank you, Clotski.

It's nice to be back.

The simple comforts.

That was a rough patrol

you had, Sergeant.

They don't come any

rougher, Clotski.

Six days, six nights on the

job... takes a lot out of a man.

You bet. You bet.

You know, Sergeant,

it's incredible.

You do all that walking, and not

a grain of sand in your boots.

Yeah, when I do what I do,

I do it with my boots off.

Ah, it's good to be back.

Look out on the old

parade grounds and see...

What the hell is that?

I must be seeing things.

They're the two new ones.

Came in yesterday.

What do they think

this is? A health spa?

What are they? Newly-weds.

Or something?

They're English,

Sergeant. You know

the English? They're half nuts.

By the time I'm finished with

them, they'll be whole nuts.

Boy. I'm looking forward

to training those two.

I haven't had anything

as good to work

on since that other

limey was here.

- What was his name?

- Beau Legs.

Ah. That's the one.

Ok. Get 'em on parade

ground. Corporal.

What have you got

in mind, Sergeant?

Get 'em on parade

ground at the double.

Fools. Hurry up.

What do you think this is? A

picnic? You lousy dogs. Damn you.

You're soldiers,

do you understand?

Come along. Come along. All

right, now. Properly at ease,

you lousy pigs.

- All present, Corporal?

- Except for the two new ones.

Leave them to me, Sergeant.

Fall in. I'll handle

this one myself.

Maybe I'll get a chance

to bathe the baby.

Get up. Get up. Every one of you.

Now. Then. Properly at ease.

You lousy pigs. Quick march.

Move. You dogs. Come on. Quick.

All right, what's

going on here? Ain't

he old enough to dress himself?

A gentleman never dresses himself.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You see, I'm so terribly

ignorant of these facts.

That's perfectly all

right, old chap.

You'll learn. Something

we can do for you?

Yes. Er...

I wonder if you'd care to join

us for a teensy-weensy parade?

You see, the Kommandant will be

there. Oh, it'll be such fun.

That's very decent

of you, Sergeant.

Thank you very much indeed.

We'd both be delighted.

Oh, bully, bully, bully.

Just as soon as we've

breakfasted. Oh,

by the way, where

is the restaurant?

Oh... I'm terribly sorry, I'm

afraid there is no restaurant.

- But I'll tell you what there is.

- Oh? What?

We have a pit where we bury

you up to your neck in sand,

- for days and days.

- Oh? What for?

For talking back at your sergeant.

For not being ready for parade.

And for acting like

motherless, fatherless jerks.

Now, you get with it.

Get dressed, and be out

there in five seconds.

Get on parade now. On the double.

Come.

- Ready for inspection, sir.

- Thank you, Sergeant.

In future, I want the

garrison kept on standby.

All leave is cancelled,

and double the guards.

You got it.

Double the guards? What for, sir?

I am expecting trouble.

Have you seen these?

Whoa. Would you like to

have them filled, sir?

Sergeant.

I mean, any woman

wearing these could

cause plenty of trouble

around the fort.

Don't you worry,

sir, I'll track her

down. She won't lay

a glove on you.

I did not get them from

a woman, Sergeant.

Then from who, sir? I...

Hello.

Hello.

They were raised on the

flagpole yesterday morning.

There's a message on them. Look.

A message? I didn't

see... Oh. Abdul Abulbul.

I wouldn't worry about him, sir.

Don't give it a second thought.

After all, he has twelve wives.

What time has he got

left for fighting?

There's an old Arab

saying, Sergeant.

"The more a camel has to drink,

the more he will

want to make stops."

That's a goody. Did

you hear the one

about the butler and

the upstairs maid?

Sergeant.

I want you to bear that in mind. I

am now ready to inspect your men.

Sir.

Present... arms.

Yes.

Straighten the jacket.

Yes, good.

Very good. Mm, very...

Huh? What's this?

A joke?

Oh, I forgot I had

it on my head, sir.

- Deal with this man, Sergeant.

- Yes, sir, it'll be a pleasure.

Oh, it's the hat. Oh,

don't blame him, sir.

He was so busy helping

me, that he...

Silence.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

Ow. Oh.

Come in.

Hello, mademoiselle.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, thanks, I'm sure.

It is possible, mademoiselle, that

it will be rough in the Channel.

- I must check your porthole.

- By all means.

Mademoiselle is travelling alone?

- Yes. Why?

- Huh.

Oh. What an odd way

to check my porthole.

These damn flies.

I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault.

Ah, well, Simpson, only

another five more days to go.

Yes, sir, but...

Sir?

Yes, Simpson, what is it?

Do you think they have

worms in the Sahara, sir?

I don't know. Why?

There's something crawling

up my... sir. Help.

Now, steady on, Simpson.

Oh, I can't stand much

more of this, sir.

Forgive me, sir, but with your

permission, I think I'll go mad.

Oh, I've got the worms. The worms.

Steady on, Simpson. Steady on.

There'll be plenty more of this.

That sergeant's got it in for us.

Oh, I know, sir.

And just think,

sir. He was the one

that told us where

to come and enlist.

What do you mean?

That's Sergeant Nocker, sir.

The one the woman

in the café went to

ask. He was in the back room. Ooh.

And then, a little while

later, he came in looking

a wreck, and staggering

about all over the place.

So would I, if I'd spent some

time with that woman, sir.

But he told the Kommandant he'd

just come back from patrol.

And he got decorated for bravery.

Enjoying yourselves, gentlemen?

We're just beginning to, Sergeant.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Because when I get

you out of here,

I'll make your lives so miserable,

you'll be glad to get back in.

Oh, I don't think so, Sergeant.

Not a brave man like you, who can

go out on patrol and kill 50 Riffs

- single-handed.

- 53.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You see what I mean, Simpson?

It wasn't Sergeant Nocker in

the café with that woman.

But it was, sir. I saw

him through the curtain.

Nonsense. You must

be imagining things.

When we get out of here, we'll

go and ask the Kommandant.

- He should know.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Were you the two guys in the

café yesterday morning?

So, it was you in there, Sergeant.

Clotski.

- Sergeant.

- Corporal Clotski,

what are these fine

men doing down there?

But, Sergeant, you told me

to put them in the hot box.

I told you? I would

waste the talent of

these two intelligent,

hard-working,

conscientious soldiers

in this manner?

You must be out of your mind.

- But, Sergeant, you...

- Don't but me.

But, Sergeant...

Dig these gentlemen out

of here on the double.

Yes, Sergeant.

Don't worry, fellas, it's all

been a mistake. Have a cigar.

I have a feeling we're

gonna be real buddies.

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right.

Work it. Work it.

Move it. Move it.

Get those legs up.

Move it. Move it.

Aitcha. Aitcha. Aitcha.

How you doing. Fellas?

Everything all right?

En garde.

Charge.

Argh.

I'm so sorry, Sergeant.

That's all right. Anybody can

make a little mistake... buddy.

Wakey-wakey, Simmy.

Tea's up.

Thank you very much

indeed, Sergeant.

Oh, no bother. I wonder if you

would make parade this morning?

It's Kommandant's inspection. It

shouldn't take long, you know.

Yes, I think we could make it.

Oh, that's what I admire-keenness.

However, no hurry.

Whenever you're ready... buddy.

Come along, you guys.

Hold it. Right there.

Right there. Now, shut your eyes.

Come on. Shut your eyes. This

is going to be a surprise.

You're not shutting your eyes.

Ok, open 'em.

Surprise.

Oh, Sergeant, we... we

don't know what to say.

Ah, just a small token

of my esteem, buddies.

But... but where did

you get it from?

Oh... never mind, just

don't tell anybody.

Le Pice.

- Le Pice.

- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

- Where's my bathtub gone?

- Your bathtub?

Come in.

Welcome to the Kaifer Hotel,

Algeria, mademoiselle.

- I am the manager.

- How nice.

I just wanted to see whether your

accommodation is

er... satisfactory.

Well, yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Mademoiselle travels alone?

Yes.

Ooh. What an

extraordinary way to see

if my accommodation's

satisfactory.

♪ Exotic music ♪

You can't beat it. There's nothing

like an old-fashioned waltz.

You not say hello to me

tonight, my sergeant.

Hello. Do you mind, honey? I can't

see. Would you get out of the way?

And you.

Hello, baby. How about giving

us the dance of the two veils?

You mean seven veils.

Why bother with the

preliminaries, huh?

Hey, did you see that?

She's crazy about me.

She's very beautiful.

But why was she

wearing that ruby in

her... Well, in here?

That's to keep the draught out.

I don't know if you happened to

notice, sir, but...

these things...

Yes, Simpson, I did

happen to notice.

Well, we had some casserole dishes

just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right. We used

to put our dumplings in them.

They use them for the

same reason here.

I'd like to meet her.

What, that dancer,

sir? Oh, I don't

think that would

be advisable, sir.

Why ever not?

Simmy's right. You'd

never catch me getting

mixed up with a

woman of that sort.

Hello, there. Well,

why don't you take

off your clothes and

pull up a chair?

- Zank you.

- No, no. Zank you.

Now, who told you I

was the only one

around here worth bothering with?

- Oh, nobody.

- Oh, just psychic?

May I say how very much

I enjoyed your dancing?

Thank you, you are most kind.

- We haven't seen you here before.

- No, I have just come from Egypt.

Ah, Egypt. Land of mystery.

Home of the mighty fairies.

- You mean pharaohs.

- I know what I mean.

You are so very pretty.

- Oh, please.

- Oh, no, no, it is true.

What is your name?

West, sir.

West. Bertram Oliphant West.

Ludicrous, ain't it? My name is...

Bertram Oliphant?

It's a riot, isn't it?

You see, my name is...

But most of my best

friends call me Bo.

- Bo?

- Yes, B-O.

You've got some nice friends.

- And what's your name?

- They call me Corktip.

Now, I bet you can't

guess my name.

Oh, yes, I know your name.

How do you like that? It's even

spread to Egypt. It had to happen.

They call you the Big Stinker.

Ha-ha. That's what they

call me. Everybody know...

What?

I hear Zigzig call

you that just now.

How do you like that dame?

Well, she'll get no

more favours out of me.

May I offer you some

refreshment, Miss Corktip?

Oh, no, thank you. I

must go work now.

- Oh, dancing again?

- No, I also tell fortune.

Really? How?

Oh, with the ball, or by the hand.

Or I feel your bumps.

Who did that?

- It was I.

- You...

And very well done, I must admit.

- Go, woman.

- Now, just a moment.

You will be the first to die.

Enough. Go.

Go, you dogs.

A thousand apologies, gentlemen.

They're just ignorant fools.

Ah, it's a good thing you showed

up. Just about to lose my temper.

It will not happen again.

Peace be on you.

And peace on you, too.

Fools. You would kill legionnaires

here? In front of everyone?

I have other plans for them.

Come.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant,

there is a woman here for you.

A woman? But it's not

Saturday, is it?

No, no, not that one,

Herr Kommandant.

A white woman. She asked to

see the officer in charge.

- A white woman? Out here?

- And out there.

Well, bring her in. Bring

her in immediately.

Yes, yes.

Lady Jane Ponsonby,

- Kommandant Burger.

- Jane.

Maximilian.

Oh, pardon.

- Oh, can it really be you?

- It's been such a long time.

Oh, years ago. Vienna, when

I was in finishing school.

And I was your fencing master,

and finished you off.

I was only 17. I hardly

knew what it was all about.

Fencing, I mean.

Oh, and such a beautiful

child, you were.

With the pigtails, and the

braces on your teeth.

And you had braces, too.

On your leather shorts.

- Ah, my love.

- Maximilian.

Forgive me, but it's

been so many years

since I've even

seen a white woman.

Come now, there can't be that much

difference. Apart from the colour.

That's very true.

There's an old Arab

saying, "The whiteness of the snow

is as the blackness of the coal

hole when there's no light."

What a lovely saying.

But not you. You could

never be the same.

It was because of you

that I joined the Legion.

- Because of me?

- Yes.

That day you are coming

to me for the private

lesson, and I did

what I did to you.

Oh, I was so ashamed.

- Oh, look, it was nothing.

- Only a little scratch.

But I have never

touched a sword since.

Oh, poor Maximilian.

No matter. You have forgiven

me and found me again.

Oh, Maximilian, I didn't

come here looking for you.

Not for me?

No, I really came to find a very

dear friend of mine. A Mr West.

Bo West?

This man, he is important to you?

Yes, I'd do absolutely

anything to find him.

Anything?

Yes.

Tell me, are you travelling alone?

Yes.

- Very well. In that case...

- Oh, never mind, I'll do it.

Ooh.

I wish you to get them

to come to your house.

My men will take

care of them then.

I understand.

All three of them?

No, just two of them.

He with the head like the

dome of the mosque of Omar.

And he with eyes like

well holes in the sand.

It shall be done, O powerful one.

Hey. Corktip, she wants to

see you in the back room.

- Me?

- Yes, you. Don't ask me why.

I don't have to ask. I know.

Ow. They can only

fight against it for

just so long, and then

it's va-va-va-voom.

Well, chappies, don't

wait up for me, what?

You can stop looking for it

in there. It's right here.

Sit down. I would like to see

what's in store for you.

Hey, I'd like to see what's

in store for me, myself.

No, you must not. Not here.

I tell your fortune. Sit.

Fine, but er... never mind that,

let's get to the bumps, huh?

You interest me, strangely.

I feel an... affinity between us.

A destiny that guides our ends.

Fine, you take care of your

end, I'll take care of mine.

Ah, it is clearing now.

I see you meeting a dark woman

- somewhere else.

- Oh, er...

it wouldn't be you, would it?

It might be.

Yes, it is me.

Fine. When?

I see a clock.

It says... midnight?

Midnight it is. Where?

I see a house.

It is the tenth house in

the Street of Many Fools.

Oh, 10 Downing Street.

I'll be there.

- Well, what happened?

- Where? What do you mean? Oh. Oh.

Nothing at all. She just told

my fortune. Nothing to it.

Oh. Well, we'll soon

see about that.

Sit down. Where do you

think you're going?

- The sergeant's right, sir.

- Well, I like that.

Didn't you just tell me

to find another woman?

Yes, sir. I mean a

lady of breeding, sir.

A woman of that type's only

looking for one thing.

Good, I'll go and

help her find it.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Sergeant, do you

think he's going to be all right?

Good, you have come. I was

just going to send for you.

You were? Really?

Yes. You fascinate me, strangely.

Please, sit down.

Oh.

You have a very interesting head.

Well? What does it tell you?

Well, this one here,

this big bump,

this indicates that you are

very romantic and passionate.

That's very funny. That's where

I was hit by a cricket ball.

But you are passionate.

I feel it here.

Is it not true?

Well, I did once breathe rather

heavily down my music

teacher's neck.

She was showing me

some five-finger

exercises and I lost my senses.

Is that all? You mean you

have never kissed a woman?

Oh... oh, yes.

But never one wearing a veil.

What difference does my veil make?

Well, it would be like sucking

a toffee with the paper on.

And if I were to take it off?

Oh, yes.

It is well, but it is forbidden

for me to remove it in public.

Of course, if you were to...

come to my house later...

Yes?

About ten minutes after midnight?

Yes? Yes?

There will be a whole toffee

assortment with no papers on.

Must you go? This last hour has

been an experience

I cannot forget.

Oh, yes, it's been fun, but

I really must see Bo now.

Very well, he will be at the Café

Zigazig. I will take you there.

Oh, no. I must see him alone.

Surely you understand that.

Very well, my love,

but be careful.

It is not safe for a young

woman to go about alone.

Papa told me that before I left,

but nothing's happened to me yet.

- Nothing unpleasant, that is.

- Out here, it's different.

These hot-blooded Arabs, once they

get you amongst the sand dunes...

Oh, do tell me. What do they do?

I cannot tell you, but

there's an old Arab saying,

"There's many a good fiddle

played on an old dune."

On an old dune.

So, be careful, my love.

Ok, fellas, let's

take the short cut.

Who is this woman?

What woman?

She of the skin the

colour of camel tripes.

I do not know. Why?

I desire her.

Bring her to me.

Good night. I'm having

a little shuteye.

See you later. So

long. Good night.

Bye.

He doesn't seem to be

here at the moment.

I'm sure you will find

the one you are seeking.

In the meantime, perhaps

you would care to

accept the hospitality

of my humble dwelling?

Oh, how kind. Do you

live near here?

My encampment is at the Oasis

El Nooki, in the desert.

- Amongst the sand dunes?

- Naturally.

I thought as much. Thank

you very much, but

I feel I ought to stay

somewhere in town.

As you wish. Perhaps you

will change your mind.

- You will have a drink?

- Thank you.

- What is it?

- We call it sherbet.

Sherbet.

I haven't had any sherbet

since I was a little girl.

It's... harmless, isn't it?

Of course, if drunk... quickly.

It doesn't taste quite

the same as I remember.

Delicious, though. Really.

Oh.

Do you know, I think

I shall accept

your offer of kind hospitality.

I am honoured.

We will leave immediately.

Oh. Oh.

Whoops.

I'm travelling alone,

you know. Ha-ha.

Yoo-hoo. It's me.

The desirable one.

Enter, O desirable one.

I got something for you.

I am here. In the bedroom.

Ha-how.

Who needs you?

This'll be a night

to remember, baby.

By the time I'm through

with you, you won't know...

what hit you.

Enter, O desirable one.

- Hello.

- I am here, in the bedroom.

Oh, I do beg your

pardon. I'll wait here.

No. No. You must come in here.

I am in bed.

Oh, aren't you feeling well?

No. No. I am just cold.

I need to be warmed.

Wo... would you like me to...

get you a hot-water bottle?

No. Do you not understand?

I just want you.

Oh.

Well, if you don't mind

me seeing you in bed.

I say, it's... it's

rather dark in here.

I... Argh.

It's all right, Miss Corktip,

you can come out now.

Oh. No. You won't need that.

There's no more of them.

It's those two chaps

who were bothering

you in the café,

earlier on this...

Luckily, I learned a bit

of the old jujitsu.

I... Oh. I say. I

do beg your pardon.

You haven't got your topcoat on.

There, I'll just turn my back.

Jezebel.

I'll never trust another

woman as long as I live.

Disgusting. If you did that in

England, you'd get fined £5.

Where are we, Sergeant?

Do you know?

Yes, this is the Oasis El Nooki.

It's the only water hole

within 200 miles.

You have done well.

You will be rewarded.

I want no other reward

than to be favoured

with the loving

attentions of my lord.

It shall be done. Wait in my tent.

I hope you had a pleasant

journey, gentlemen.

No. We have been

treated outrageously

and I demand to see

the British Consul.

Did I say something funny?

I don't know, but keep going,

he might rupture something.

Quiet, you miserable

camel droppings.

I beg your pardon? You can't talk

to a British subject like that.

Hey, take it easy,

Bo. Take it easy.

No, I won't.

I will not be humiliated

in this manner.

If you're going to kill us,

why don't you shoot us now?

That is an excellent idea.

You and your big mouth.

But first, I require

some information.

Of course, anything you want

to know, just fire away.

How many accursed

legionnaires are there

at the outpost in

Fort Zuassantneuf?

Let me see. How many legionnaires

at Fort Zuassantneuf? Er...

You're not going to

tell him, are you?

Why not? It's a harmless question.

Well, of course it isn't. He wants

to find out so he can attack it.

Oh, come off it, Bo. Not him.

- Not this kindly old gentleman.

- It is true.

The infidels will

all perish when the

second crescent of the moon enters

- Orion's third phase.

- When is that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires

at Fort Zuassantneuf,

and then the infidels

at Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

It has been ordained by the

prophet, Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Now, you will tell

me. How many men?

You know, for the moment, it

seems to have slipped my mind.

If I could pop back

to the barracks

and have a word with

our Kommandant.

Don't trifle with

me, accursed one.

Perhaps a little torture

will help you to remember.

You have until nightfall

to come to your senses.

If not... they will come off.

One by one.

One by one? I suppose

he means our ears.

That's my boy. Always thinking

of the higher things.

Look, chiefie, if

you could just have

a word and talk this over sensibly

with this er... Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

I don't know, it must be

number one on the hit parade.

Away with them.

Argh.

Good.

Now you.

Someone is coming.

Pow. Pow.

Good boy.

Get his clothes.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

If we could only get

to those horses.

How are ya? I lost a cuff link. It

must be around here some place.

I'm sure I could find

it if I looked...

Stop.

- I think they've spotted us.

- You must be kidding.

Kill them.

Wait.

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Run for it.

After them.

Quick. In there.

Man, you gotta hand

it to these Arabs.

They got the craziest

camping equipment.

Allah is smiling down on me.

- I think we ought to leave.

- Why?

Well, they've hardly

any clothes on.

That's a reason?

Well, I'm going.

I'd rather die out

there than in here with this lot.

What are you, some kind of a nut?

I have to remember

the family name.

- West, sir.

- Thank you, Simpson.

They're just waiting out there.

Let me see.

Why don't they come and get us?

Wait a minute.

This is the harem tent.

By their laws, no

man may enter here.

- Only the eunuchs.

- What are they?

You'll never know how close

you came to finding out.

Sergeant, do you mean

that all these ladies

- are the sheikh's wives?

- What's so terrible about that?

Think, all those mothers-in-law.

Surely the sheikh

himself is allowed in?

No.

Then what's the good

in having them all?

It's like playing cricket with no

bails. There's nothing

to knock off.

You don't understand.

Whenever he feels like a

game, he sends for one.

He don't travel. He just

plays on his own ground.

You mean that all the while we're

in here, then, we're safe.

That's right. I'm afraid we're

stuck in here. What a pity.

And now, girls, how about

some of that Turkish delight?

Don't frighten them, Sergeant.

I do apologise for the

intrusion, ladies, but

I can assure you that

we will do you no harm.

Here, stop making

promises I can't keep.

What's all that noise?

I'm trying to sleep.

I was having such a lovely dream,

full of fabulous men,

all travelling alone.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Jane.

- Is that you, Abdul?

- No, it's me, Bo.

Bo to you, too.

Jane, what's the matter with

you? No, it's me. Bo West.

That Bo?

Oh, fancy seeing you here.

Oh. Oh, kiss me, Bo.

Jane, please.

You men in there.

Hearken to me.

Quiet. Let's hearken.

Come out of there, and I give you

my word I will spare your lives.

If not, eventually,

you will all die.

Horribly.

It's Abdul. He's a frightful dear.

Wants me to be his number 13.

- Number 13?

- Wife, you know.

We might as well surrender.

Certainly not. I'm

not leaving Jane

here to become part

of a baker's dozen.

Well, it's better than being dead,

isn't it? Besides,

13 ain't too bad.

She'll have 12 days off.

No. No, we've got to get help.

One of you will have to get away.

Not me, sir. My place

is by your side.

Thank you, Simpson. It's

up to you, Sergeant.

- Thanks a lot. What do I do?

- I've been thinking.

We'll go out, and you creep

under the flap and run.

Well, how do I do that?

Grab a horse and

stampede the rest.

Sire. I... What am I

saluting you for?

All this grass, no

time left to graze.

Come out of that tent.

It's all right, we're coming out.

Bye-bye, Bo.

Seize them.

There are only two.

Where is the other infidel?

Look, Effendi.

Stop.

Let him go.

It worked. Nocker, old boy, I

think you've pulled it off.

You'll be a real

hero now. That's it.

Real. Ho. Good boy,

Nocker. You've done it.

They'll write books about

you. "Nocker of the

Foreign Legion." That's

what they'll call you.

I like that sound. Nocker

of the Foreign Legion.

Jolly good.

Aha.

Aaah...

Did you ever have

one of those days

when nothing seemed to go right?

Aaah. Here. Here. Whoa.

Here.

So, let me understand

quite clearly

what you have told us, madame.

You say that four nights ago

Sergeant Nocker was in your café

with these other two legionnaires.

- Correct?

- That is right.

Then he go off with

this woman. Corktip.

Ye... yes. And you

further say that

he is still with

this woman. Correct?

Of course. Where

else, the dirty pig?

So, all the time he was

supposedly out on patrol alone,

he was, in reality,

staying with you.

- Correct?

- That is right.

I tell you, for years

he has been with me.

And then this woman

come along and...

Perhaps you would

like to use this.

No, thanks, I went before I came.

Yes. Very well. Thank

you for coming forward

with this information.

You may go now.

Ok.

I like you. Why don't you come

and see Zigzig some time?

I think I've got all I want

from you, madame, thank you.

You think so?

Well, perhaps there are

a couple of points

I'd like to go over

with you later.

Good. Soon?

Interesting, Le Pice.

Very interesting.

What is her name?

Mon Kommandant, her

name is Zigzig.

Zigzig? Oh, that's a strange name.

It is an old Arabic

word for serving woman,

meaning, "She who handeth

it out on a platter."

Yes, and all the time

she's been handing

it out on the platter

to Sergeant Nocker.

Oh my God. What fools he

has been making of us.

I know. All these

stories about lone

patrol and killing

hundreds of Riffs.

And all the time,

he and she were...

Yes. And I've been giving

him medals for it.

Open up. It's me. Sergeant Nocker.

Open up.

Kommandant. Kommandant.

Sergeant Nocker's back.

Quick, Le Pice.

Sergeant Nocker reporting

back from patrol, sir.

And what, I wonder, have you got

to report this time, Sergeant?

Bad news, sir. Fort Zuassantneuf,

it's going to be attacked.

And how did you acquire

that information?

Yes, sir. Legionnaires

West, Simpson

and me were taken

prisoners by them.

- After a stiff fight, of course.

- Of course.

Yes, we were taken to the Oasis El

Nooki, but I managed,

by sheer audacity,

to escape and come

back to warn you, sir.

Four days on foot across

the burning hot sand, sir.

Enough. This is unbelievable.

Yes, it was quite a feat, sir.

Well, you heard the Kommandant.

Get the tray. Get the medals.

- Nein, nein, nein.

- One medal will be enough, sir.

You will have no more medals

from me, Schweinhund.

Schweinhund?

You have made a fool of

me for the last time.

Killing 53 tribesmen

single-handed?

Rescuing legionnaires

from certain death?

Lies, lies, lies.

Sir, what are you doing? I got

those medals for bravery.

No, not for bravery, but for

jiggery-pokery. Take him away.

What happened?

What did I say?

Herr Kommandant.

About Sergeant Nocker, sir. He's

been there for three days, now.

He has decided to tell the truth?

I'm afraid not,

sir. He still keeps

insisting on some ridiculous story

about West and Simpson and an

English woman being held prisoner.

You did not tell me this before.

An English woman, you

say? Not... not...

Lady Jane.

I believe that was her name, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, turn

out the entire company.

- Yes, yes, mon Kommandant.

- Full packs, arms,

- ammunition.

- Yes, yes.

And release Sergeant Nocker.

Yes, yes.

Well, stop yes outing

and get on with it.

Legion, left turn.

Legion, forward.

On. On.

Faster. Faster.

No stopping. On your

feet, you scum. On. On.

Look.

The oasis.

What's happened?

Where's everyone gone?

Where's Lady Jane? Where is she?

I warned you, if you have brought

us here on a wild-goose's chase...

Sir, I gave you my

word. They were here.

Kommandant. Look.

Vultures.

- Vultures? You don't think...?

- Oh, I don't like this.

They've got a bone to

pick with someone.

No, no. Not my sweetheart, Jane.

Halt.

Look, sir.

It's all right. He's

still breathing.

I do not care. Where

is my sweetheart?

Oh. Alas, poor Jane,

I knew her well.

Aw, come on, sir, that's

a skull of a man.

- How can you tell?

- By the jawbone.

A woman's gets worn down from

the constant ya-ta-ta ya-ta-ta.

- Then what's happened to her?

- Mother.

Mothe...? Mothe...?

It's me, Bo. Nocker.

Poor devil, he's half

out of his mind.

He's been under this

sun for a week.

Yes, but I think

he's trying to tell

us something. Yes,

West, what is it?

Turn... me over.

I want to do my back.

Argh. She might be being

murdered, and all

he can think of is

getting an even tan.

Oh, don't pay any attention

to him, sir. He's delirious.

Boy, where is she?

Where is Lady Jane?

Took her. Took her with them

to raid Fort Zuassantneuf.

Ah, then we are not too late.

Look after him, Sergeant.

Ok, sir. Take it easy,

you'll be all right.

We leave at once for Fort

Zuassantneuf. Fall in.

Oh, Herr Kommandant, it is many

miles away. There

is no water left.

Fool. We can fill

our water bottles

at the oasis. Come on. Jump to it.

Those fiendish devils.

Now you see why I let

the sergeant go.

He will lead them

straight into my trap.

- Do we attack them now, Effendi?

- No, no.

We wait two or three days.

Without water, they

will be weaker then.

I did not say halt.

March, you swines. March.

Sir, the men have been

marching for two days

without a rest. They

must have a break, sir.

Very well. One hour. That's all.

Thank you, sir, you're all heart.

All right, good news, you monkeys.

Fall out for one hour.

- One hour.

- One hour's rest, sarge.

Sir, I'm rather

worried about morale.

If we don't get water soon,

you'll have trouble from the men.

You are the adjutant,

Capitaine Le Pice.

It is your job to keep

their minds occupied

so they forget about their thirst.

As a matter of fact, I did

have rather a good idea.

Then act on it, Le

Pice. Act on it.

I'd love to.

God in heaven. Fool.

They have stopped. Effendi.

But what is it they are doing?

Kommandant Burger, we're

all ready for you.

- And you'll be amazed.

- Good.

Strange.

I think the time has

come to attack.

Tell my warriors to make ready.

Fun, ain't it, sir?

It's lovely weather, huh?

Yes, they are good, these castles.

They are all so

very good, I think.

Mm, yes, this one, too.

But I think this one.

This one is the best.

First prize, Clotski.

What? Mine's better than his.

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah.

Stop it. Stop it.

It's only a game.

Stop it, I tell you. Argh. Oh. Oh.

Come on. You two.

Now, what I...

Simpson, tread on his.

Our men are ready

to attack, Effendi.

Wait. I think the job

is being done for us.

We do not need to

attack these fools.

Pass the word.

We march on Fort

Zuassantneuf immediately.

The prophet has truly said.

The behaviour of

the white infidels

is like blood coming from a stone.

Bleeding mystery.

Oh, you beaver.

Sorry, sorry. All

right. Take it easy.

Just relax. Oh, ok.

All right, all right, all right.

- That's it, sir.

- How many casualties, Sergeant?

- 16, sir.

- 16?

It's disgraceful.

Absolutely disgusting.

Oh, come on, sir.

They're a good bunch of

boys, just letting

off a bit of steam.

But 16 casualties.

You, Le Pice, with

your bright ideas.

Well, you don't have

to blame me. Oh,

you really can be a rotten Burger.

- Sergeant.

- Sir.

Sort out those fit enough to

march on Fort Zuassantneuf.

Sir, all that way without water?

We must go on. Not

only to save Lady

Jane, but to relieve the garrison.

- But what about the captain, sir?

- You won't be taking Le Pice.

I'm asking a serious

question, sir.

What about the captain?

You fool. I mean Le Pice

will not be coming with us.

I am sending him back

to Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

He will fetch reinforcements.

- Le Pice.

- Yes, Kommandant.

- I wish to see the map.

- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Ah.

Here is our objective.

Fort Zuassantneuf. And here

is our present position.

Left... turn.

For... ward.

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left,

right, left, right...

Sergeant.

Legionnaires, attention.

Forward march.

Hup.

Simpson, look. A well.

A well.

Hurray.

Hurray, there's a...

Hey, hey, relax. Take it easy.

- Did you see?

- It was there.

Shut up. There's nothing there.

There was, Sergeant. It's a well.

Mr Bo's right, Sergeant.

There was a well.

Of course there was a well. And

you're Jack, and you're Jill.

Where is it? Where did it go to?

Look, kid, it was never

there. It's a mirage.

A mirage? I don't believe it.

You don't believe it. Well, I'll

prove it to you.

You see this coin?

Coin, right? Coin.

I will now throw it

down the well. Here.

See?

Sergeant, you should

have made a wish.

I wish you'd shut up.

What about the well?

What about the well?

Move it. Move it. Move.

Sir.

Look. Ah. I can't believe it.

Wa-hey.

Sim...

Simpson. There's no wa...

Where's the water?

Another mirage. It even

had me fooled that time.

Look at that.

Restaurant, bar, dancing. Now

that's what I call a mirage.

It has been seen

many times before.

Come, we must go on.

I told you it was a

mistake building

right out here. Nobody ever stops.

I cannot stand it no

more. I've had enough.

I cannot stand it, I tell

you. I cannot stand it.

- What's the matter, Clotski?

- I'm thirsty.

I think he wants water.

Don't look at me. What

can I do about it?

I cannot make water.

- We're done for.

- Simpson.

No, sir, we'll never get out of

here alive. Look at the vultures.

To hell with you. To

hell with all of you.

Go on. Do your worst.

Ooh. Blimey, one did.

Men. You must pull

yourselves together.

There's plenty of

water at the fort.

On. On. We must go on.

Ooh, sir, he does go on.

♪ Oh, I do like to be

beside the seaside ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to

be beside the sea ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to stroll

along the prom, prom, prom ♪

♪ Where the brass band

plays tiddly-om-pom-pom ♪

♪ To be beside the seaside ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to

be beside the sea ♪

♪ Oh, I do like to stroll ♪

Look. The fort.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Do you mind?

I say, sir, are...

are we too late?

♪ Arabic music ♪

Well, I've heard

this sort of music

before. It's for a

wedding celebration.

Oh, is that all?

Yes, it's when the chief

is taking another wife.

Good luck to him. He's

got twelve already.

And another wife...

Number thirteen? Lady Jane?

Oh, no.

Now, don't panic, sir.

It may not be too late.

Er, Kommandant, sir, is it a

before or an after celebration?

Before. It is to wish the

chief an abundant harvest.

It's called The Song Of The Oats.

Oh, no. Let's hurry,

before it's too late.

There she is.

There is still time.

This music is to wish

the chief great

virility and endurance.

The day of the morrow, we

march on Sidi-Bel-Abbès.

But the night of tonight,

to mark your gallant victory,

I, your chief,

will take another wife to bosom.

Go to my tent.

The hour of your

fulfilment approaches.

Oh, look here, do I

have to be fulfilled?

Take her.

Oh.

My people,

the time is nigh.

I wish mine was. I could use

a nigh old time right now.

Come, we will try and

work our way round

and up under the back of her tent.

But she isn't wearing one.

Are all with us.

But first,

in accordance with the

custom of our tribe,

you will all give your gifts

to the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you.

Jane.

Bo.

Don't make a sound.

All right, come on.

Oh, Bo. Bo.

Dear, dear Jane.

- Are we... are we in time?

- For what?

Well, you know. Has

he...? Have you?

Oh, no, he hasn't.

But neither have I.

- My love.

- Maximilian.

My love.

Do not worry, Max is

here. I will take

you to the fort. You

will be safe there.

I wouldn't like to bet on that.

If you'll pardon me, sir, it's

time I got Lady Jane out of here.

He's right, go ahead.

I'll keep watch.

Look out. Somebody's coming.

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you very much, I'm sure.

All right, what was

all that about?

They keep bringing money for him.

For him? You mean he

gets paid for it?

Boy, I'm in the wrong racket.

This is not good. If they

keep coming in and out,

one of them will see Lady Jane

is missing and raise the alarm.

That's right, we need ten minutes

to get her safely

back to the fort.

Hey, maybe one of us

could take her place.

That's a good idea, Sergeant.

- Somebody small.

- Exactly, Sergeant.

Like you.

Maybe it's not such a

good idea, after all.

But it is, Simpson. It's an

absolutely splendid one.

Quickly, my love, go behind the

screen and change the clothes.

That shouldn't take long.

Well, get a move on,

Simpson. Take them off.

Oh, very well, sir.

Do you mind, sir?

Well?

- Do I have to, sir?

- If you don't mind, Simpson.

Very well, sir.

- Hurry it up, will you, you guys?

- We're ready.

He wants to do. Quickly,

my love. This way.

Thanks. Simmy.

Sir, what am I going to do,

sir, when the chief comes?

That's a good question,

Simpson, and

er... I wish I knew a good answer.

Thank you, sir.

Don't forget, we need a

good clear ten minutes.

Now, you mustn't let him

find out till then.

Sir.

Sir, Mr Bo, sir, he's bound to

find out when my time is nigh.

But, Sergeant, you're not going to

leave me alone with

this man, are you?

Simmy, relax. All brides are

nervous on their wedding night.

But I don't know what to do.

Just keep calm, and keep

your fingers crossed, too.

Well, remember, if

things go wrong,

you can always escape through

the trap door at the back.

- Have fun.

- But, Sergeant.

My people. You have given enough.

I can wait no longer.

I'm really engaged to a very

well-known butcher

in Wolverhampton.

- Come, my little...

- No, not this week.

Lily of the Nile.

- Come, O sweet one.

- No, no. No, no.

Come.

You see, I'm only

here for two weeks.

Aye, aye. You can put that away.

- I will have you.

- No, no. No, no.

Open the gates, Clotski. It's us.

Come on.

Has the chief found

out about Simpson?

I don't think so.

- Argh. Help.

- He has now.

Oh. Oh. Hello, boys.

Stop him. Stop him.

I have been tricked.

Bring me this man.

I will have his kidneys

grilled for breakfast.

I swear it by the

prophet Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak.

Never mind all that

claptrap, you fools.

After him. After him.

Here he comes.

Give him covering fire.

Oh. Oh. Oh, let me in.

Accursed ones.

You will all die for this.

I, Abdul Abulbul, swear it.

You will all die at dawn.

Well, that makes sense. That

mob against the six of us.

All is not lost yet,

Sergeant. There

are still two hours before dawn.

Come, let us see what's

in the storeroom.

Not much ammunition, Sergeant.

Well, there's gunpowder.

A gramophone. That's

just what we needed.

I suppose we could

give them the needle.

Sergeant.

I thought I'd inject a little

humour in a tense moment.

And over there. You see? Figs,

dates, senna pods, cascara.

They couldn't have been

regular troops, sir.

Let's see. They've got

indigestion tablets,

glucose tablets, salt

tablets, the pill,

and...

The pill?

What do you suppose

they use that for?

I can't conceive.

And you see over here? Gum Arabic.

We need gum Arabic.

We need it like we need

a hole in the head.

That's the luck

we're running here.

We can't find anything... Hold it.

Gum Arabic. Gum...

Sir, it might just work.

Come, now. Now.

Come on, come on.

Push. Push. Push.

So, you see, dearest Bo, you

didn't trip Humphrey at all.

He deliberately told a

lie to dishonour you.

And so, you, dear

sweet wonderful Jane

travelled all this way

alone to tell me?

Oh, it was nothing. Everybody

was terribly kind.

In fact, they couldn't do enough.

How sweet.

Do you realise what

this means, Simpson?

My name is cleared. We

can return to England.

Yes, sir, if we ever

get out of this lot.

Now. Now.

We will move into position now.

Stop firing.

They are on the run.

Argh. Oh. Oh. Argh.

Oh. Argh.

♪ Rousing German song ♪

Stop firing.

A relief force.

♪ What the hunter does ♪

♪ The rose stays here ♪

♪ And gave her here ♪

What did I tell you?

We got 'em worried.

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, but keep a

lookout. They'll attack

once they know what's happening.

♪ And he speaks ♪

♪ The girl on ♪

Oh, that's torn it.

We've got a few surprises

left for them.

Attack. Kill.

Look out. Here they come.

Kill.

All right, look alive. Another

50 yards, they'll be in it.

Kill. Kill them.

Go on. Go on, you fools. Attack

and kill them. Go on, kill them.

Bingo. Let 'em have it.

I'm enjoying this, you know.

Well, don't just

hold it, throw it.

Oh.

Just like old times, sir.

Thank you, sir. Argh. Ooh.

Go on. Go on, you fools.

Argh.

Here. More ammunition, quick.

- There's no more ammunition left.

- Hey, Cricket Joe.

More bombs.

Close of play, Sergeant.

They're all finished.

Well, that's done

it. The minute they

get out of that goo, we're cooked.

Ooh. I do believe we've

come in the nick.

Company.

We're moving into action.

Forward.

This time you win, but I

shall have my revenge.

I swear it.

Hey.

Simmy, baby, I told

you we'd... Hold it.

What's happened to the Kommandant?

- Have you been hit, sir?

- Yes, in many places.

Have some water, sir.

You'll feel better.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Sergeant Nocker.

Yeah. Kommandant.

If you don't mind.

Bo. How are you? Lady Jane.

Oh, it's good to see you,

Sergeant. Can you stay a while?

Well, I just didn't come for

tea and crumpets, old boy.

Wonderful. I'll get Simpson

to collect your things.

Hold it. Never mind

that, I got my own

batman. Look alive. On the double.

Left, right, left, right, hee-yah.

Your batman?

Well, you must admit,

it's better than Robin.

Oh. Excuse me. Sir.

You're in.

Oh, thank you very

much indeed, Simpson.

Well, I'll see you

in a few moments,

Kommandant. Have a

talk with my wife.

Give 'em a good go, Bo.

Well, Lady Jane, you're

looking lovelier than ever.

Thank you.

And I see you've been

kept rather busy.

Oh, yes. Look.

Isn't he adorable? The

image of his father.

How is that?

Not out.