Carry On England (1976) - full transcript
Captain S. Melly takes over as the new Commanding Officer at an experimental mixed sex air defence base. It's 1940 and England is under heavy bombardment, but the crew seem more interested in each other than the enemy planes above. Captain Melly plans to put a stop to all this, and becomes the target of a campaign to abandon his separatist ideals...
Here it is, gentlemen.
The big problem.
13-13 Experimental Battery.
I can tell you now,
we've had orders
to solve it from the top seat.
You mean WC?
WC. The top seat.
As you know, we've
tried everything.
Brilliance, outstanding
personality, sheer naked courage.
The time has come to
try something else.
- Oh? And what's that, sir?
- Sheer bloody ignorance.
How long are you going
to be, then... sir?
How long? When one is sent
for by one's brigadier
to discuss a mission
which is so hush hush
that even oneself doesn't
know what it is,
one might be hours.
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
I beg your pardon?
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
Corporal, the enemy is poised
to strike across the Channel.
The country is
fighting for its life
and you want to pop
down the NAAFI?
Well, in that case,
I'll forget it.
I'm very pleased to hear it.
I beg your pardon... sir.
Who are you, and what the
devil are you doing?
Captain Melly reporting, sir.
Brush yourself down. Follow
me to the conference room.
All right. All right.
Why the bloody fanfare?
Watch it, mate. New
commanding officer.
Blimey.
Corporal... that man. He
was wearing lipstick.
Lipstick, sir? Where?
On his face. Where do you think?
It must be a burn or a scar, sir.
- I hope you're right.
- So do I.
Frilly curtains?
Baskets of flowers?
- Brassieres?
- Pardon, sir?
- Knickers.
- Same to you... sir.
Captain Melly.
No, you must have come
to the wrong place.
My name's Bull.
No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.
Pity. Have a drink.
Now, look here, Bull.
I'm your relief.
And there are certain
things that...
My relief?
Oh, you little beauty.
I could kiss you.
My re... Oooh, my relief.
I've got to go. My relief...
He actually kissed me.
My case.
I say.
My case.
Welcome to 13-13
Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir.
All right.
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
sir. "Tiger" to the troops.
I can do that.
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
do you think...?
Sir?
- Get inside.
- Me, sir?
Yes, you. Sir. Get
inside at the double.
Hargh.
Drop your trousers.
But, sir, we has only just met.
Drop 'em. That's an order.
Hah.
- I see.
- Do you, sir?
Sergeant Major, may I
ask you a question?
Sir, may I pull up my trousers?
What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.
What I want to know is...
what men in this
unit would wear the
kind of underwear I've
seen on the line?
Good Lord.
Some of them are
wearing skirts too.
They is not men, sir.
Well, what the blazes are they?
Women, sir.
You mean, female?
Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?
This is one of these
new mixed batteries.
So, that's what the
brigadier meant when he
said that this battery
was an experiment.
Experiment, sir? They does
not need to experiment.
They gets at it right
away and all the time.
All right, then. Section, halt.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Put each other down.
Hang about. Hang about.
We don't want to give our new
CO the right idea, do we?
Right, right turn.
- What's next?
- Right dress, Leonard.
Oh, yeah. Er... right dress.
Two inches shorter and he
could see right up my skirt.
- What's your name, Sergeant?
- Willing, sir.
- And yours?
- Able, sir.
Well, Willing and Able,
will you kindly tell me
why it is necessary
for you all to be
squashed up like
sardines in a tin?
It's just our way of
keeping warm, sir.
On the hottest day of the year?
We've known it hotter
than this, sir.
Dress properly. What do you
think this is? A love parade?
Hee-hee-hee. Very witty, sir.
You speak when you're
spoken to. Do you hear me?
Adjust your dress.
No, no, no. One
arm's length apart.
Did you demonstrate
this, Sergeant Major?
Frequently, sir.
- Then do it again on me.
- Hah.
Parade. Doing as I do.
Right dress.
As you were. Watch me.
Watch me. Right dress.
Doing as I do. As you
were. As you were.
Did you not you see what I was
doing? Right dress. As you were.
Not as they were. Leave them
as they are, Sergeant Major.
But, sir, as they are
is horrible, sir.
You're ruining my
shoulder, Sergeant.
Sorry, sir.
It comes of gripping balls, sir.
Always has one of
these to hand, sir.
Fingers of steel, sir.
Fingers of steel.
Put it away. Let's get
on with the inspection.
You up there, what's your name?
Oh, erm... Ready, sir.
Ready.
Ready, Willing and Able.
This is ridiculous.
- What are you doing?
- Twitching, sir.
I can see that, Sergeant Major,
but why is he twitching?
It's my woor-uhhhhh...
Woorghhhh. It's my nerves, sir.
Trying to twitch your ticket?
Well, it won't work, Bombardier.
You're in the Army
for the duration.
Twitch your way out of that.
Oohhh... eerrrggh.
Ready.
Twitch off.
It's wasted on me, boy.
Good Lord.
Good heavens.
Good man. And what's your name?
Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse,
sir. It's my name.
And what is your name, my man?
Er... woman?
Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir. The Sharpe
with an E and two
Fs in the Ffoukes.
How do you do?
She too is a ball squeezer, sir.
Do your shoelace up and look
sharp about it, Sharpe.
- Ooooh.
- Oh, Tiger.
I think you're wonderful.
When are you going to savage me?
If only you was a man,
I would sort you out.
Well... you seem to have
put your foot in it.
Not so much my foot,
sir. More my big toe.
What's wrong with it?
Sprained it, sir, didn't I? When
I... erm... fell out of bed.
- Pushed out of bed more like.
- Pushed out?
What are you laughing at?
Well, I'm happy, sir.
Happy? What, here?
He might have sprained
something else, mightn't he?
Are you trying to
be funny, Gunner?
Me, sir?
You, sir. Why are you
blinking like that?
- I'm not blinking, sir. You are.
- I never blink.
- Neither do I, sir.
- You blinking well do.
Sergeant Major, which one
of us two is blinking here?
There is only one
blinking man blinking
here, Gunner, and
that's bloody you.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I catch you again on parade
wearing my moustache...
that moustache,
you'll be on charge for
impersonating an officer.
Ooooh.
Later, sir. Later.
Who are you?
Easy, sir.
Quite possibly. What's your name?
That is it, sir. Alice Easy.
Oh.
Well, do your top button up.
I can't. They won't let me.
- Who? Who won't let you?
- Them.
Oh, nonsense. Do 'em
up... erm... it up.
Good gracious me. Stand to
attention, you're on parade.
Put those shoulders back.
Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.
Regular?
- I've been regular for 18 years.
- Oh, good.
That means I can have
it back tomorrow.
You'll have it back
when I'm ready.
That's all right.
No need to strain yourself.
You are a shower.
A shambling shower.
And I mean to shake you
up more than somewhat.
- Sergeant Major?
- Hah.
Dismiss this shambling
shower from my sight.
Hah.
Parade. Right turn.
As you were. As you were.
You stupid f...
How is I expected to use the
proper words with women present?
Never mind. Never mind.
Just f...
Forget it.
Go away.
Ah, yes, sir. They gives
me a headache too.
It's not a headache. It's the
stomach. There's a button in it.
What you might now call a belly
button, sir. Hee-hee hee-hee.
Oh, shut up.
20 year I've been a
sergeant major and
nobody told me to shut up before.
I is the person what tells
people to shut up, sir...
- Shut up.
- Hah.
Now, Sergeant Major,
what, in your opinion,
is the thing most
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
Well?
What's the matter with you,
man? Have you been struck dumb?
- I asked you a question.
- Sir.
Have I got permission
to break the silence?
Of course you have.
Very well, sir. Kindly
repeat the question.
I repeat, what in your
opinion, is the thing most
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
- Only one thing in my book, sir.
- Yes. Yes.
- Firing squad.
- Ah, yes. That's it.
What sort of a suggestion
is that, Sergeant Major?
The only one I has to offer.
I has tried everything else.
Well, thank you. That's
been a great help.
I shall have to think
for both of us.
I've got it.
- We're going to have an air raid.
- My God, sir. They will panic.
- This is just a practise.
- They'll still panic.
Yes, they will, won't they?
- The wind.
- Not me, sir.
No, Sergeant Major.
The wind is what
you and me are going
to put up them.
Gives me the wind
just to look at it.
Leonard...
- What?
- I've got this feeling.
There's a time and a
place for everything.
- Not that kind of feeling.
- I didn't know you had any other.
No. Listen.
I've got this feeling
that that new
bloke's going to
make trouble for us.
That pipsqueaker? He's too
little to be awkward.
Squash him into the ground.
Not worried about him.
I'm more worried about this.
Do we eat it or rub it in?
You can bounce it off the
ceiling for all I care.
Right, Sergeant Major. They should
be starting on their pudding.
Now. Now, Sergeant Major.
- Sir?
- I said now.
- There is no need to shout, sir.
- What?
- There's no need to shout.
- What are you mumbling about?
- There's no need to shout.
- Who is?
- I said now.
- Hah.
Here. What's that?
- No, it can't be.
- It can't be what?
- What I think it is.
- What do you think it is?
It's an air raid.
Get a move on.
I'll say one thing for
them, Sergeant Major...
they certainly know how to run.
Oh, yes, indeed,
sir. Of course, they
is running in the wrong direction.
What?
The gun emplacement
is over there, sir.
Well, why are they
running that way, then?
Air raid shelter, sir.
They built it. They
calls it the snoggery.
I don't care.
There's an air raid on. This is
an anti-aircraft battery unit.
Is it?
Rat-a-tat tat. Rat-a-tat tat.
Bang.
Bang.
I could have sworn
someone said "bang".
Oh, Leonard. Ooh,
what a lovely idea.
Lovely.
I said bang.
You heard what the officer said,
you horrible shower. He said bang.
Don't you realise
there's an air raid on?
Course we do.
Well, then?
Well, you shouldn't
be out in it. Come in
here with us, sir.
There's plenty of room.
Yes, do join us, Tiger.
I'm not coming in there.
You are coming out here.
With an air raid on?
There's ladies present.
You can't have them
out in an air raid.
No, you can't.
There is no air raid.
- But you said there was.
- It's a mock air raid.
Oooh.
I mocked it and you
made a mockery of it.
That's nice, isn't
it? You're having a
mockery while we're
having our grub.
I was just enjoying
my spotted dick.
Yeah.
Shut up.
All right. Carry on,
Sergeant Major.
- Carry on what, sir?
- Get 'em out. Get 'em out.
Sir.
Right.
Get outside on the double. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
Get the lead out of your pants.
Knickers, Tiger. Knickers.
What?
Ladies wear knickers.
Pants or knickers,
shift your ar...
What's inside 'em.
Now, look... 20 years I've
worn this crown on my sleeve.
You wouldn't like to be the cause
of me losing it, would you?
I mean, after all
that... serving...
of King and country.
Oh, Tiger...
You all heard what
the sergeant major
said. All out. Or I'll
break you in two.
In two lines. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now, you dozy lot,
when I say "man the
gun," I want you
to double off to the emplacement.
Now, man the gun.
Oh, for heaven's sake. All
right. Woman the gun as well.
Come on, you Brownies. Let's have
you. Knees up, knees up, knees up.
Load.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hah.
What the blue-blank-blazes
is that?
It's a gun, sir.
It's made of wood.
It's not a real gun yet, sir.
A gun emplacement
without a real gun?
With respect, sir.
Remember there's a war on.
Real guns is hard to come by.
Permission to carry on
with the gun drill. Fire.
Bang.
What the devil's going on now?
We're dead, sir. A round
exploded in the breach.
It's the ammunition
we're being sent.
Anything wrong, sir?
- You've gone white.
- It's that damn button.
Are you taken short, sir?
Keep your voice down,
Sergeant Major.
You just carry on doing
whatever it is you're doing.
No.2 detachment, take post.
Go to bearing 90-2E-20.
Halt.
Now, this time, just for
me, let us get it right.
Parade... dis-miss.
That was lovely. Good.
Thank you very much.
Get out of my sight.
That includes you, Ffoukes
Sharpe. Look sharp.
Silly boy.
Aarrghh.
You may not frighten the
enemy, Sergeant Major,
but, by heaven, you
certainly frighten me.
It's not my fault,
sir. That was hers.
It was entirely hers, sir.
What are you talking
about? Whose fault?
Oh, Tiger.
Private Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir... is after me.
After you? What for?
- She has designs on me, sir.
- Get this bloody thing off me.
Sir.
Oh, I sees your predicament, sir.
And I feel it. Get it off.
Steady, sir. Resist me.
Resist me, sir.
You is not resisting.
Pulling out.
Sergeant Major, we're
getting nowhere fast.
Perhaps you should er...
clench your cheeks, sir.
They are clenched.
That is true, sir. Forward march.
Right. Clench the table, sir.
Now, grit your teeth and we
will have it off in a minute.
A bit of leverage.
Aaaaahh.
Brace yourself, sir.
Is it off?
Can't you feel the
difference, sir?
No.
It must be your bum is numb.
Permission to unumb bum, sir.
Get on with it.
Aarrghh.
That will soon bring the blood
back to your cheeks, sir.
Cruel to be kind, sir.
Cruel to be kind.
If you're going to talk about
being cruel to be kind,
you may as well know,
that as far as
that shower outside is concerned,
that I intend to be
cruel to be cruel.
- I is very worried, sir.
- You is very worried.
I is worried about you, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant
Major. Very decent.
I think you is going to cause
trouble and they will not like it.
The likes and dislikes
of the men under
my command are neither
here nor there.
Sir, if you does not know the
difference between here nor there,
you does not know the difference
between men and women.
Some of the men in
this camp is women.
They are all men to me.
Oooh, I wish they was,
sir. I wish they was.
I'd have them saluting till
their arms dropped off.
I'd run them till their
legs dropped off and
I'd rant and roar till
their ears dropped off.
As from tomorrow, I
intend to start a
series of what I call
my agony parades.
In that case, sir,
tomorrow morning, the only
parade you is likely
to see is sick parade.
- Right. Who's first?
- A.
What do you think
these are, Nurse?
Come on, then.
Oh. Oh, Nurse.
Oh, Nurse. I need assistance.
Oooh. Oh. Oh.
All right. Drop your trousers.
But, sir, it's my ears,
my nose, my throat...
My throat and my knees.
My feet... oooohh.
I'll be the judge
of that. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
Right. Next.
Here, Shaw. What
did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your trousers," had
a look and gave me two aspirins.
What sort of a doctor's
he? Here we are
pretending we've got
different complaints...
Hey, Shorthouse, what
did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your
trousers," had a look...
- And he gave you two aspirins.
- No, he gave me half an aspirin.
- All right, drop your trousers.
- Aaaerrhhee.
I was...
Haabbeeerrr.
Have you noticed anything
strange about me, sir?
Yes, you haven't dropped your
trousers. Two aspirins, Nurse.
Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hey, he told me to
drop my trousers
and he gave me two of these...
aschooo... sprins.
All right. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
- Where are they?
- They is all sick, sir.
- All of them?
- I told sir so, did not I, sir?
Hee-hee hee-hee.
Well, never mind. I've
had a word with the MO.
Those are my orders.
Right, Sergeant Major. Let
them know that we're here.
13-13 Battery, get on parade.
I want you to run
them into the ground.
What about the females, sir?
As far as I'm concerned,
this is a unit. One piece.
My duty is to make it
an efficient unit.
I am unaware of males or females.
To me, they're all alike.
They are the same.
Right, Sergeant Major?
Give 'em hell.
Ahaaah. Come on.
That is not the way.
That is not the way. When one of
your comrades is a short arse,
like Shorthouse here, a taller man
climbs up on him.
Down, Shorthouse.
- But, Sergeant Major.
- Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me.
Get down. Watch me.
Right. Steady. Up.
Give me your hand.
Now, pay attention.
You cannot go under the wire.
You has to go over the wire,
which means that one of you
has to lie on top of the wire
and let the rest of
them walk over him.
Right. One volunteer.
- You.
- Me?
Move yourself.
That is not the way. That
is not the way. Fall out.
Move yourself.
Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh.
Charge.
Next.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the way.
You must not stop to think.
Are you sure this rope's
safe, Sergeant Major?
Safe? Of course it's
safe. Watch me.
Well done, Sergeant Major.
Fingers of steel, boy.
Fingers of steel.
Right.
Right, Gunner. Your turn now.
Drown the lot of you.
Sergeant Major...
Yes, ungrateful...
Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up.
On your feet...
I'm talking to you,
Sergeant Major.
- Sergeant Major.
- What are you up to, boy?
- Come on.
- Serge... Sergeant Major.
- Oh, it's you, sir.
- God.
Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?
You sort of walked into
my nightmare, sir.
I thought you were short
arse, sir. I'm sorry.
And so you damn well
should be, man.
- You dropped your hat, sir.
- Where is it?
Right, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major, now
you're on your feet,
I'm going to blast
their blasted evening.
- What have you got in mind, sir?
- A surprise kit inspection.
Men's hut first.
? Tango
- Get those pants down.
- Not bloody likely.
? Tango
Having a musical soiree, are they?
Sounds more like a tango, sir.
Oh, come on, Sergeant Major.
Aarrghh.
Enemy approaching.
Operation Scarper.
You is covered in...
something distasteful.
I'm aware of that.
Are you going to
change or what, sir?
I mean, there's...
a bit of a pong.
Sergeant Major, when I start
something, I go through with it,
come hell and high water.
And whatever this is.
Tell them I'm here.
Commanding officer.
Your nostrils, Sergeant.
My nostrils, sir?
They're twitching.
It's like, suddenly,
there's a funny
sort of smell come
into the hut, sir.
Why do you think
that is, Sergeant?
Well, it's like suddenly...
someone's come in
who's covered with...
Ooh, something nasty, sir.
Yes, someone is.
Me.
Now, Sergeant...
how do you suppose that occurred?
I...
I can't say, sir.
- I can. Trip wire.
- A trip wire, sir?
It tripped me right in it.
- Right into the...?
- Yes.
How do you suppose...
it got there?
What, you mean the er...?
You know the officer
means the trip wire.
I'm doing the talking,
Sergeant Major.
Well?
Well...
Well, sir, that... that is a
trap for Nazi paratroopers, sir.
Am I a Nazi paratrooper?
No. No, sir. You're one of us.
I think.
Explain yourself, Sergeant.
Well, sir, in this hut, we are
usually otherwise engaged.
You know, kipping and
things like that.
And... well, we
thought some sort of
early warning system
was necessary.
I mean, you can't trust
that Hitler, can you, sir?
And this unit prides itself
on being ever ready.
Yes, Sergeant?
Bombardier Ready, I
wasn't talking to you.
I am addressing the
commanding officer.
What is that man doing sitting at
attention on that man's shoulders?
Well, sir. That's presence
of an officer, sir.
But why sitting on
someone's shoulders?
Sir, Shorthouse has a
fine head of hair.
We use him to keep
the cobwebs down.
Ready, give the officer
a demonstration.
My head. Ow, my head.
He's banging it.
Careful. You're banging my... Ow.
You're off balance.
Enough of that. Enough of
that. Get down, that man.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
Stand by your beds. This is an
inspection. Move yourselves.
Come on. At the double.
Get properly dressed.
Do yourself up. Lad.
Do your flies up, that man.
Your brains is catching cold.
Lay it out. Lay it out.
Hang properly to
attention, that man.
You call that laying it out?
Give us a minute, Sergeant Major.
Never mind that, Sergeant
Major. What the devil is this?
Ah. Yes, sir. You see, those,
sir, are ear muffs, sir.
A trophy of war, that is, sir.
Ear muffs? Trophy of war?
Captured from one
of them German ATS
during the retreat
from Dunkirk, sir.
It says "Made in England".
Atishoo.
Who's that sneezing
up in the loft?
Him, sir.
It couldn't have been.
I've seen you talking.
Yeah.
He was talking and then...
then he sneezed, sir.
I didn't see him.
No, sir. I would never sneeze
in the presence of an officer.
So, he sort of... He threw his
sneeze up... up into the loft.
- Didn't you, Ready?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Oh, no, sir. Church of England.
Do you pursue the
ventriloquial art?
In an amateurish sort
of way, yes, sir.
Do it again.
Er... again.
You mean. You want me to...
throw my voice and sneeze
up in the loft again?
- Sir.
- Yes.
- Atishoo.
- I saw your lips move.
- I didn't.
- I did distinctly.
I should give it up, if I were
you. You're not very good at it.
The state of this hut's
not very good either.
In fact, it's horrible.
In the time it takes me to shower,
you shower will clean
this place up.
I want this floor
polished from wall to
wall. Under the beds.
Round the stove.
Polish it everywhere.
I want it so that I can
see my face in it.
You heard what the officer
said. Get on with it.
No. No. No. Something
has got to be done.
- I know what he wants.
- What does he want?
He wants us to polish
the floor, sarge.
Phoooorrr.
He's in it again.
You...
You... you... aarrgghhhhh.
What has happened?
He went through so
fast, I think he
might have been taken short again.
Yes. A nasty friction
burn you've got there.
What have you been
doing? Arsing about?
A drop of calamine will soon
get to the bottom of this one.
I will cancel the
route march, sir.
You'll do no such thing.
No choice, sir. Your
uniforms is at the cleaners.
I know that. Arrghh.
You cannot go on a
route march in your
underpants and with a
burnt bum to boot.
Get me a battledress,
Sergeant Major,
from battalion stores, you fool.
I've already rung the stores and
there's nothing in your size, sir.
This is a bit near
the ground, Melly.
Get me a battledress, Sergeant
Major. I don't care
how, but get it.
Sir.
What does he expect me to do?
Knit him one? The short arse...
That's it. Short arse.
Little Gunner Shorthouse.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
My best battledress,
Sergeant Major?
Do not bandy words
with me, lovely boy.
Or I will raise my right leg
six inches from the ground,
place my No.10 firmly on
the top of your head,
and press you straight
through the floorboards.
Nice.
Best walking-out battledress,
short arse, please.
What if he wants to go
walking out, Sergeant Major?
Then he will just have to stay in.
Oh, flipping heck.
Only one man round here
allowed to use bad
language, Gunner, and
you is looking at him.
Get it out, lovely
boy. Get it out.
- Pardon?
- The battledress. Get it out.
Sergeant Major.
I do not know about
walking out in it. It
looks like you've been
sleeping out in it.
Press it like it's never been
worn, stick three pips on,
bring it over the battery
office in ten minuets.
By the way, the whole of the mixed
section will parade at 0900 hours.
You is going walkies.
- Walkies?
- A route march. Hee-hee hee-hee.
I is looking forward
to seeing you off
on them 12 foot-blistering miles.
I cannot wait to wish
you luck, as you
wave me goodbye. Hee-hee hee-hee.
12 miles.
So you see, Tilly, I
wanted to ask your advice.
I mean, you being a
woman and all that.
- Oh, so you've noticed.
- Yes.
- A couple of times.
- Not now, Leonard.
We're on duty.
You see, the little perisher is
going to wear this on the march.
- Him?
- No, no. Not him. Him.
- Captain flipping S Melly.
- Oh, Smelly himself.
So, with all your knowledge
of erm... sewing and that,
what can we do to sabotage
Shorty's walking-outs?
I don't want anybody
sabotaging my walking-out.
A. It's either your
walking-outs or our feet.
Well, Till?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Built to withstand all the
rigours of wars, these.
But what are we going to do?
Wait a minute...
I'm waiting.
Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach?
Oh, Leonard. Get me some.
Ready. Get me some.
- Have you got a match?
- Yeah. Your...
This'll make him hop a bit.
Parade.
Right heel.
Parade, ready for
route march, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Mixed section, move to the
left in column abrupt.
Left turn.
By the left, quick march.
Mixed section, halt.
What the devil do you think
you're doing, Sergeant Major?
Seeing you off, sir. Somebody
has to hold the fort.
A fort with only a wooden gun...
doesn't need holding.
Fall in at the rear.
With respect, sir. I cannot do
route marches with my feet.
Well, you certainly can't
do one without them.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
- Fall in.
- Sir.
Mixed section and
Sergeant Major...
quick march.
You seems to have come
apart at the seams, sir.
Mixed section, halt.
Left turn.
- Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
- Put them all on a charge...
- Hah.
Every man, jack and woman of 'em.
Sir.
You is all on a charge.
Er, what is the charge, sir?
Laughing...
on duty.
Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left.
Defaulters, halt.
Hats off.
- March them in, Sergeant Major.
- One at a time, sir?
They're all on the same charge.
I'll see them all together.
Sir. Defaulters, opposite sex
first. Single file. Double march.
Left, right. Left,
right. Move yourselves.
Left, right. Left,
right. Mark time.
Left, right. Left, right. Move
yourselves. Left,
right. Left, right.
Halt.
Where are you, sir?
Over here, Sergeant Major.
Can't see you, sir.
Raise your hand, sir.
Will you kindly remove your...?
I can't. I'm squashed.
Take a deep breath,
Ffoukes... Ffoukes Sharpe.
Oh, never mind where I am,
Sergeant Major. Read the charge.
Hargh. Defaulters
did, whilst on duty,
indulge in unauthorised laughter
in contravention of
King's regulations
and War Office instructions, sir.
I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't er...
We couldn't quite catch that.
Will you kindly remove
those things from my...?
I said you're all confined
to camp for two weeks.
Carry on. Sergeant Major.
Sir. About turn.
Double march. Left,
right. Left, right.
Move yourselves. Move yourselves.
Sergeant Major. Shut the door.
That'll teach 'em.
What are you shaking
your head for?
They will not mind being
confined to camp, sir.
Nonsense.
Every soldier minds
being confined to camp.
Not when half of
'em is women, sir.
- They is happy here.
- Happy?
It has always been
my proud boast, sir,
in all my time as
a sergeant major,
in all my camps there
has never been a
single sign of
happiness... till now.
Why, man? Why?
This lot have got everything
they want here, sir.
Such as?
A bit of this. A bit of that.
A lot of that, actually.
A lot of what?
You know, sir. That.
Surely you don't mean
a bit of the other?
This, that, or the other, sir.
They is at it all the time.
In and out of each other's
quarters like fiddlers' elbows.
Are they indeed?
That is something to
which I'm going to
put a bloody stop.
With respect, sir. We cannot stop
them without staying up all night.
That will not be
necessary, Sergeant Major.
Sir?
We will build a chastity fence.
- A what, sir?
- A sort of a big belt.
Oooh.
Made of barbed wire.
Cor. That sounds a bit
uncomfortable, sir.
Too-wit.
Too-hoo.
Last one, Sergeant Major.
Steady, man. You caught me right
in the... field dressing.
Lift.
I think congratulations are
in order, Sergeant Major.
- Thank you, sir.
- Not you, you fool. Me.
- Come along. Let's get back.
- There's gratitude for you.
Sir.
- Private Easy?
- Yes, Sergeant?
Make the signal to Sergeant Able.
Code or plain language?
- Plain language.
- Right away.
- Ready?
- Sergeant?
Make to Sergeant Willing,
message received...
and understood.
Sergeant.
Alice, I don't think I can
hold this pose much longer.
- I'll get cramp.
- Really?
Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you?
Oooh.
I told you so, Sergeant.
It's not only barbed
wire, it's rusty.
Rusty?
I'll get blood poisoning
on my hooter.
- Shut up about your hooter.
- It's the only one I got.
You don't think the
girls have gone off us?
It's got nothing to
do with the girls.
This is a right
load of old Smelly.
Smelly? Doowarrgghpree.
- Stop doing that.
- He can't do that to us.
- He's done it.
- But it's inhuman.
He ain't human.
He ain't going to
get away with it.
- Double back and fetch a tin hat.
- What for?
- Do as I told you.
- But...
- Scarper.
- Yes, Sergeant.
Right. Here. Now, listen...
You all know the drill for
this sort of operation.
I am asking for a volunteer.
Right, sarge.
Well done, son.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much, sarge.
- What for?
- You have just volunteered.
Have I?
Put your helmet on,
cover yourself up.
No, not on your head.
Cover your er...
I don't understand.
What do you mean?
Show him, will you?
- Ooh.
- Just hold it right there.
What for?
So you don't do yourself an injury
when you lays down
across the wire.
What?
Come on, lads. The
girls is getting cold.
No. No, Sergeant.
I'll do anything. Not on the wire.
- Don't throw me on the wire.
- One... two... three...
Aarrghh.
Cor blimey, Ready.
What have you done?
Nothing.
Ooh. My neck.
Keep your hand on your helmet,
otherwise you'll be
ruined for life.
Here we go.
Careful, lads.
Wake up.
Wake up.
How are you feeling, son?
Just as though those
explosions are
reverberating all through my body.
Just so long as your
helmet's not damaged.
- Ooooh.
- There.
Yeah. And I thought he was
just a little basket.
Well, what is he, then, sarge?
A cunning little basket.
- Morning, sir.
- Good morning, Sergeant Major.
You requested my presence
at this early hour, sir.
Yes. I did indeed. Why? Did
I interrupt your sleep?
- It doesn't worry me, sir.
- I should think not, indeed.
Well, now, it's coming
up to the hour. Five...
four, three, two, one.
Sound the reveille.
- Reveille?
- Yes. The wakey-wakey.
Get up and win the war. When
I'm on my feet, everyone is.
Beg pardon, sir, but I's found
you gets more out of this shower
if they is allowed to wake
up... sort of gradual, like.
Well, from now on,
they're going to wake up
sort of sudden, like.
If they gets up on
the wrong side, sir,
they can make your life a
bloody misery all day.
Yes, well, I'm the
man who makes lives
bloody miserable, Sergeant Major.
- Sound the reveille.
- Very well, sir.
I think I can safely
say that this is
definitely going to
give them the needle.
Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee.
Stand by.
- Blimey. It's only half past six.
- What a liberty.
Here, turn that off.
Oh, my gawd. Give it a rest.
- What the hell was that?
- Sounds like reveille.
Well, turn the bloody thing off.
You can't turn off
a tannoy, sarge.
Get on Ready's shoulders
and stuff something up it.
What can I stuff up it, sarge?
I don't know. Your head,
your arse, your elbow.
Only hurry up. I'm
trying to get some kip.
- Hey, Ready.
- What?
- Hand us my pillow.
- Can't you remember anything?
I can't see.
- Get it out of my face.
- There we are.
It's stopped. We'll
take it back again.
Wakey-waaaakey.
Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.
You may break your
mothers' hearts,
but you will not break mine.
How dare you stuff the
commanding officer
whilst he is talking.
Unstuff him at once.
Get down and get dressed.
And, the rest of you, what
does you think you is doing?
Well, we was trying
to get some kip.
But you has had all night to kip.
Now, then, off your
backs, on your feet and
get into them ablutions
at the double.
Aeroplanes.
Hey, what's all this about,
then, Sergeant Major?
Aircraft recognition. These
is your new pin-ups.
I bet none of you can tell
the difference between
a couple of Heinkels and
a pair of Bristols.
No, but I can recognise a
Fokker when I see one.
Good boy. That is why
you is a sergeant.
Attention. All ATS personnel.
I'm going to make men of you.
As from this moment,
skirts will not be worn.
Skirts will not be worn.
Ooh, that'll be a bit draughty.
Battledress trousers will
be worn at all times.
- That is all.
- Wait a minute.
Private Easy, did you
hear what he just said?
Of course. That's what
we're talking about.
No, no, no, Bombardier Murray.
He said, his exact words were,
"Battledress trousers
will be worn.
That is all."
Yes.
So he did.
Wakey-wakey. Rise and shine.
All ATS personnel
taking breakfast,
fall in outside under
Corporal Murray.
Come along, girls. Fall in.
How dare you come on
parade improperly dressed?
We're only obeying
orders, Sergeant Major.
Or...
Orders? Whose orders?
His. Sir's. We're
to wear battledress
trousers and that's all.
The officer wouldn't
give that order.
His very words.
The dirty little...
Sergeant Major.
What the devil's going on here?
Why are these men half-naked?
Because, sir, you said they was
to wear trousers and that is all.
I did not.
Oh, yes you did, sir.
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you d...
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.
Quiet.
I'm going to make a
couple of points.
Ooh.
Sergeant Major, when I
said, "That's all," I
didn't mean that's all,
I meant that's all.
That sounds like a
lot of alls, sir.
The cold wind of change is going
to blow through this camp.
This I promise you. So
you'd better take cover.
I have now... Do you
mind, Sergeant Major?
I have now taken you apart.
And from now on, that
is how you will stay.
Apart.
You will eat apart.
You will march apart.
You will live apart.
Left turn.
- Worlds apart.
- Right turn.
During gun drills. Which
will now take place daily,
gas masks will be
worn at all times.
Do I make myself clear?
There will be
compulsory nights out
every night until 23:59 hours.
Transport will be provided.
ATS, Mondays,
men on Tuesdays.
Look at him laughing at us. Look.
And so it will go on and
on and on and on...
until the whole of Europe is ours.
How did he get into our army?
Sieg heil, Melly.
I've got it. I've got it.
- Whooerrpaaahh.
- So has he.
Well, take it outside.
And throw a bucket of water on it.
I've got it.
- I've got it.
- What a waste.
Poor devil.
Leonard.
Right, you lot. Over here.
Come on, move yourselves.
Now, this is the plan.
We are going to dig a tunnel.
We are going to dig a tunnel.
A tunnel of love.
It won't be as dark as that.
Cop hold of these.
Never thought I'd find a
use for my Army knickers.
- Or any other kind, dear.
- Cheeky.
Now, keep it up, girls.
The boys ain't half going
to get a surprise.
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
Come on, Sergeant
Major. Security patrol.
Is that the best the military
police could send you?
Yours may be bigger
than mine, sir, but
I've been told mine's
got more bite.
Oh, come on, Hitler.
Come on, Muscles.
What's that?
What's what?
Sounds like somebody tunnelling.
Well, that's you, innit?
- What was that?
- What?
It sounded like somebody digging.
- That was you.
- Oh, yes. Of course it was.
Check the padlock, Sergeant Major.
Sir.
Sergeant Major, will you keep
that dog of yours under control?
I understand he's house-trained,
sir, but not outside-trained.
Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on.
Shhh.
Listen.
They're patrolling.
- Not a word. Pass it back.
- Pass it back.
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
Heel, Muscles.
Quiet.
It's not me. It's my teeth.
Some old bones buried around here.
Aaarrghh.
Pull yourself together.
Get back at the double.
That was a close call. I
was nearly a dog's dinner.
Alice, hold them still. How
can I get anything in those?
Tilly, darling.
Guess who's here?
Leonard, dearest, move
over. Your Tilly's cold.
Leonard?
Leonard.
Tilly. Where the hell are you?
Hey, sarge. Here.
Oh, no.
We must have tunnelled
back into our own hut.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't be stupid, stupid.
The girls must have
had the same idea.
- So, they're in our hut.
- So, they're in...
Come on.
No.
- What do you mean no?
- Listen.
If we wait here, they
will come to us.
Right?
We are going to sit here quietly
and they will come to us.
Yes.
- Hear anything?
- Only you.
Reveille? We've been
at it all night.
Yes, and not even a nibble.
Well, it can't be.
Wakey-waaaakey.
Get stuffed.
Stand at ease. Easy.
This is a great day... for
13-13 Experimental Battery.
And an even better night for us.
Are you coming down my tunnel?
Or am I going up yours?
As a result, Headquarters
have at last agreed
to send us that most
desirable piece of equipment
to have handy in time
of war, namely, a gun.
May God protect us all.
The Brigadier himself will be here
tomorrow for a full inspection
and, I hope, to see us in action.
Ah, here she comes.
Company. Atten-shun.
? Rule Britannia
If he goes over our
tunnel, he'll fall in.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
Culprits to my office at once.
Sir.
Right, you horrible
stinking shower,
I wants the guilty party, on the
word of command, male or female,
to take one pace forward.
The guilty party, one
pace forward, march.
The ground... cut
from under our feet,
and I am determined to
get to the bottom of it.
- Answer me. You.
- Yes, sir.
Answer me.
Well, I have, sir.
Who is responsible? Answer me.
- Moles, sir.
- What?
Well, I think it was moles, sir.
Who is responsible? You.
I think it was moles, too, sir.
Moles. Moles?
You don't get your ordinary
type of mole round here, sir.
These is all whopping
great big 'uns, sir.
How big?
Oh, well... as big as that
big dog of yours, sir.
Moles... as big as Great Danes.
Oh, no. Bigger, really.
Bigger?
You know that hill
outside the camp, sir?
Yes.
That's a molehill.
Good Lord.
- That hill must be 20 feet high.
- Well, sir...
that just goes to
show you, doesn't it?
- Sergeant Major?
- Sir?
- Have you ever seen these beasts?
- I has not, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I may say so, sir, if
I had seen such an animal...
you would need a gun
as big as the one
that went down the
hole to shoot it with.
Thank you very much,
Sergeant Major.
Sergeants Willing and Able, you
have just told me a tissue...
Bless you, sir.
Of lies.
The whole lot of you...
are going to remove my
gun from its present
hole and put it in
its proper hole.
I don't care how you do it.
But you are going to do it.
And you are going to keep on
doing it until it is done.
Heave.
- Shorthouse, are you heaving?
- I'm heaving.
Look sharp, Sharpe. Heave.
You ruin my gun...
I will ruin you. Heave.
No, he ain't going
to get away with it.
Making us sweat like that.
How do you mean, us?
He ain't going to get away with
it, making you sweat like that.
But he is flipping
getting away with it.
Not for long, son.
It's a top brass inspection
tomorrow, innit?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Brigadier's coming, isn't he?
Yes, Sergeant.
What about it?
This about it, son.
He has gone too far.
So we are going to put
into operation Plan B.
Good Lord.
Melly seems to have turned
that girl into a man.
Jolly smart, sir?
You don't suppose sheer bloody
ignorance has worked, do you?
It couldn't be anything else, sir?
He hasn't got anything else.
Parade. Parade.
Atten-shun.
Good show, Melly. You've got them
all turned out like guardsmen.
Thank you very much, sir.
Do they all perform
as well as they look?
I've put a stop to all that, sir.
What?
Oh, I don't mean I've stopped
them performing, sir.
I've them stopped
them... Well, erm...
performing.
- Don't follow, old boy.
- Oh, how can I put, sir?
I erm... Ah.
Oh, I see.
Got yourself a hen coop?
Ha ha ha ha.
Wittily put, sir.
Yes, I rather thought so myself.
Come along, Melly.
Let's get cracking.
Very good, sir.
- Colours, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
- A bit of a bloomer there, Melly.
- I...
Whose flag is it supposed
to be? Nicaragua's?
Thank you, Carstairs.
Excuse me, sir. Pull
those knickers down.
No.
Not you.
You, Bombardier. Get 'em down.
I'm terribly sorry, sir. Some
sort of innocent mistake.
Pulling down knickers is rarely
innocent and never a mistake.
- What?
- Oh, an epigram, sir.
I say, sir.
That was rather good.
What's next on the agenda?
Things seem to be
flagging round here.
I thought a spot
of gun drill, sir.
All right. Let's shoot off.
You f...
Fall in at the gun
emplacement. Move yourselves.
Come on. Move yourselves.
Get them bodies moving.
13-13 Battery, at the double...
stop for nothing, take posts.
Watch it. Aarrghh.
Better get him out of
there, Sergeant Major.
Sir.
Steady, sir. Excuse
the familiarity, sir.
Aahh.
Got yourself in a bit
of a hole there, Melly.
Hole. Ha ha ha ha.
- Permission to carry on, sir.
- Please do.
You two men there.
It doesn't need two men
to lift one shell.
You couldn't call us two men, sir.
More like one and a half.
- It doesn't need one and a half.
- These things is heavy, sir.
A man could do himself a mischief.
Rubbish.
Come on. Hand it to me.
- Over to you, Sergeant Major.
- Tiger, darling, let me.
Don't say darling in
front of officers.
But I couldn't bear
it if you strained
something before we'd even...
you know...
I do not know.
Well, let me teach you.
I find these things
awfully exciting.
I don't know why.
Take that thing out of there.
She's rammed it up.
Let it stay up.
In that case, sir,
gun loaded, sir.
Bearing 270.
Call Melly, will you?
Sir. Captain Melly.
Sir?
Surely, in the interests
of efficiency, you
shouldn't have someone
with... those...
doing... erm... that.
Do you know, sir, you're right.
Yes, well, I always try and
keep abreast of things.
Oh, droll, sir. Very droll.
- His cock?
- I beg your pardon.
Gunner His cock. Replace those...
her, will you?
Yes.
Carry on, Sergeant.
- QE 30.
- Gun ready for firing, sir.
Right, stand by.
Fire.
Hardly went off
with a bang, Melly?
Carry out drill for misfire.
Breach jammed, sir.
Jammed? Get out of my way.
Put up a bit of a
black there, Melly.
Permission to take a shower.
Where are you going to take them?
Not this shower, sir.
Hot shower.
Yes. Well, I must admit,
you do look a bit grimy.
Carry on with the brigadier's
inspection, Sergeant Major.
Hah.
Shall we commence
in the mess, sir?
Seem to be in it already.
Ha ha ha. Humpf.
It will start working soon.
He'll turn bright blue as soon
as he gets in the open air.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
If you could see your way
clear, sir, to grant
me a transfer, I would
be eternally grateful.
I would do anything, sir. Any
mission you care to suggest.
I could parachute into
Germany. Kill Hitler.
Captain Melly resuming duty, sir.
- Melly?
- Sir?
Melly, last time I saw you, you
were black. Now
you've turned blue.
Blue?
Blue. Mirror.
- Blue as a baboon's arse.
- Ha ha. Oh...
Permission to have
another shower, sir.
Granted.
Carry on with the
inspection, Sergeant Major.
Hah.
On the other hand,
sir, if you does
not fancy me knocking off Hitler,
how about that fat
slob of an Italian
ice cream merchant
Musso-bloody-lini?
Are you a coward, Sergeant Major?
Me, sir?
You want to go gallivanting off,
trying to kill
Hitler and Mussolini
and sneak out from under
this very tough job here?
Only a suggestion, sir.
Bloody ashamed, you
should be. What's this?
Games room, sir.
What's the name of this
game, Sergeant Major?
- Unarmed combat... sir.
- Oh?
What the sergeant major
means, sir, is... Ahem.
Is that you can never
be sure when them
Nazi paratroopers might land, sir.
And we must be ready for them.
By fighting with ladies?
Ah, sir, we heard...
about them nuns, sir.
You know, sir. Them
nuns when the Frogs was
done. With Tommy guns
up their habits.
Those nuns, Sergeant Major, were
German soldiers in disguise.
What we was doing, sir,
was getting used to the feel of
fighting something in skirts.
What do you say, Carstairs?
- Can you explain that, Sergeant?
- Well, sir. This is erm...
well, a mixed battery, sir.
And er... well, in a mixed
battery, you have to er...
- Mix it.
- Mix it.
Carstairs, you fancy yourself
at unarmed combat, don't you?
I know a trick or two, sir.
Go on, then. Choose your opponent.
Thank you, sir.
You. That man there.
- Me, sir?
- No, no. No. Not you, Bombardier.
I never fight a man
with his glasses on.
I'll take them off, sir.
No, no. It'll be too dangerous.
Thank you. Back into line.
Sir.
You. That man over there.
Me, sir?
Yes, you.
Sir, why don't you try
one of our young ladies?
Good idea. Why not try
one of her ladies?
Just to show how far advanced
in the game we are. Sir.
- Ladies, well...
- Jolly good idea. Go ahead.
- Ffoukes Sharpe.
- Pardon?
- Sir.
- Sir.
- If I was you, sir...
- Yes, Sergeant Major.
How you wish you were me.
No, sir, I think I
should warn you...
Don't worry, I shan't hurt her.
Right, Ffoukes Sharpe. En garde.
What are they afraid of, what?
Stand by, Sergeant.
Oooh. Aarrghh.
Thank you, madam.
I wasn't ready, sir.
Come along, Carstairs.
I think we've both
hung around here long
enough, don't you?
Ha ha.
Whoever perpetrated that blue
joke is going to suffer.
Suffer. I'll murder 'em.
I'll make dog meat of 'em.
I'll show them who's wearing
the trousers around here.
Good afternoon, sir.
I say, sir. That ATS private's
wearing a moustache.
That's no ATS private,
Carstairs. That's Melly.
13-13 Battery, take post.
Action stations, Carstairs.
Action stations.
Is this the real
thing, Sergeant Major?
Yes, lovely boy. It is you
against the Hun this time.
Move yourselves. Move
yourselves. Come on. Come on.
Sixpence for every
one you shoots down.
Two bob if it is a German.
Come on. Come on. Move yourselves.
Move yourselves. Come on. Come on.
Here, did you see that?
Leonard, you cannot expect a
brigadier to expose himself.
I think perhaps we should go now.
Get those bloody guns ready.
Put those gas masks on.
No.1 detachment, take post.
Right. Stand by.
With respect, sir. You
is improperly dressed.
If it wasn't for you, Sergeant
Major, I wouldn't
be in this shape.
- I reckon they're Fokkers.
- Have you got it up?
- I beg your pardon?
- The shell, man. The shell.
- That's rammed up all right, sir.
- Then fire it.
Fire.
Bloody hell.
Don't shoot at him. Shoot at them.
You dozy idle fool.
220-35-29.
Fire.
Fire.
190-30-28.
Shorthouse.
Get that shell in the breach.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Get out.
- Fire.
- We've got him, Sergeant Major.
- Let's hope it's one of theirs.
- Aaaaaahh.
- Well done, lads. Again.
Fire.
It's a hit, sir. It's a hit.
- Well done, Tiger.
- Thank you, Smelly... sir.
Do it again. Do it again.
Fire.
It's another hit, sir.
Well done, Jock.
Do it again.
Right, stand back, you two.
That's it. Fire.
You've done it. You've
done it, my lovely boys.
- We did it. We did it.
- Leonard, you did it.
- No, we did it, Till.
- We did?
Take that message back to Hitler.
A-haaaa.
Go on, Tiger. It's your birthday.
- I love you.
- You can tell him that as well.
All right.
Parade... stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Now. I am sure that
you is all dying to
know the state of your
commanding officer.
And I is very happy to inform you
that apart from a
cracked funny bone,
sustained in the recoil,
and a couple of
sprained fingers from
tugging the toggle,
he is in what might be
described as rude health.
In fact, he is coming
out here now to
congratulate you as you
so richly deserves.
And the same to you.
Hooray.
And so it came about
that through the
blunderings of one
poor bloody officer.
A certain person who shall be
nameless was able to create
an everlasting symbol of
encouragement and
devotion to duty.
A symbol accepted throughout
the entire world.
The big problem.
13-13 Experimental Battery.
I can tell you now,
we've had orders
to solve it from the top seat.
You mean WC?
WC. The top seat.
As you know, we've
tried everything.
Brilliance, outstanding
personality, sheer naked courage.
The time has come to
try something else.
- Oh? And what's that, sir?
- Sheer bloody ignorance.
How long are you going
to be, then... sir?
How long? When one is sent
for by one's brigadier
to discuss a mission
which is so hush hush
that even oneself doesn't
know what it is,
one might be hours.
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
I beg your pardon?
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
Corporal, the enemy is poised
to strike across the Channel.
The country is
fighting for its life
and you want to pop
down the NAAFI?
Well, in that case,
I'll forget it.
I'm very pleased to hear it.
I beg your pardon... sir.
Who are you, and what the
devil are you doing?
Captain Melly reporting, sir.
Brush yourself down. Follow
me to the conference room.
All right. All right.
Why the bloody fanfare?
Watch it, mate. New
commanding officer.
Blimey.
Corporal... that man. He
was wearing lipstick.
Lipstick, sir? Where?
On his face. Where do you think?
It must be a burn or a scar, sir.
- I hope you're right.
- So do I.
Frilly curtains?
Baskets of flowers?
- Brassieres?
- Pardon, sir?
- Knickers.
- Same to you... sir.
Captain Melly.
No, you must have come
to the wrong place.
My name's Bull.
No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.
Pity. Have a drink.
Now, look here, Bull.
I'm your relief.
And there are certain
things that...
My relief?
Oh, you little beauty.
I could kiss you.
My re... Oooh, my relief.
I've got to go. My relief...
He actually kissed me.
My case.
I say.
My case.
Welcome to 13-13
Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir.
All right.
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
sir. "Tiger" to the troops.
I can do that.
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
do you think...?
Sir?
- Get inside.
- Me, sir?
Yes, you. Sir. Get
inside at the double.
Hargh.
Drop your trousers.
But, sir, we has only just met.
Drop 'em. That's an order.
Hah.
- I see.
- Do you, sir?
Sergeant Major, may I
ask you a question?
Sir, may I pull up my trousers?
What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.
What I want to know is...
what men in this
unit would wear the
kind of underwear I've
seen on the line?
Good Lord.
Some of them are
wearing skirts too.
They is not men, sir.
Well, what the blazes are they?
Women, sir.
You mean, female?
Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?
This is one of these
new mixed batteries.
So, that's what the
brigadier meant when he
said that this battery
was an experiment.
Experiment, sir? They does
not need to experiment.
They gets at it right
away and all the time.
All right, then. Section, halt.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Put each other down.
Hang about. Hang about.
We don't want to give our new
CO the right idea, do we?
Right, right turn.
- What's next?
- Right dress, Leonard.
Oh, yeah. Er... right dress.
Two inches shorter and he
could see right up my skirt.
- What's your name, Sergeant?
- Willing, sir.
- And yours?
- Able, sir.
Well, Willing and Able,
will you kindly tell me
why it is necessary
for you all to be
squashed up like
sardines in a tin?
It's just our way of
keeping warm, sir.
On the hottest day of the year?
We've known it hotter
than this, sir.
Dress properly. What do you
think this is? A love parade?
Hee-hee-hee. Very witty, sir.
You speak when you're
spoken to. Do you hear me?
Adjust your dress.
No, no, no. One
arm's length apart.
Did you demonstrate
this, Sergeant Major?
Frequently, sir.
- Then do it again on me.
- Hah.
Parade. Doing as I do.
Right dress.
As you were. Watch me.
Watch me. Right dress.
Doing as I do. As you
were. As you were.
Did you not you see what I was
doing? Right dress. As you were.
Not as they were. Leave them
as they are, Sergeant Major.
But, sir, as they are
is horrible, sir.
You're ruining my
shoulder, Sergeant.
Sorry, sir.
It comes of gripping balls, sir.
Always has one of
these to hand, sir.
Fingers of steel, sir.
Fingers of steel.
Put it away. Let's get
on with the inspection.
You up there, what's your name?
Oh, erm... Ready, sir.
Ready.
Ready, Willing and Able.
This is ridiculous.
- What are you doing?
- Twitching, sir.
I can see that, Sergeant Major,
but why is he twitching?
It's my woor-uhhhhh...
Woorghhhh. It's my nerves, sir.
Trying to twitch your ticket?
Well, it won't work, Bombardier.
You're in the Army
for the duration.
Twitch your way out of that.
Oohhh... eerrrggh.
Ready.
Twitch off.
It's wasted on me, boy.
Good Lord.
Good heavens.
Good man. And what's your name?
Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse,
sir. It's my name.
And what is your name, my man?
Er... woman?
Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir. The Sharpe
with an E and two
Fs in the Ffoukes.
How do you do?
She too is a ball squeezer, sir.
Do your shoelace up and look
sharp about it, Sharpe.
- Ooooh.
- Oh, Tiger.
I think you're wonderful.
When are you going to savage me?
If only you was a man,
I would sort you out.
Well... you seem to have
put your foot in it.
Not so much my foot,
sir. More my big toe.
What's wrong with it?
Sprained it, sir, didn't I? When
I... erm... fell out of bed.
- Pushed out of bed more like.
- Pushed out?
What are you laughing at?
Well, I'm happy, sir.
Happy? What, here?
He might have sprained
something else, mightn't he?
Are you trying to
be funny, Gunner?
Me, sir?
You, sir. Why are you
blinking like that?
- I'm not blinking, sir. You are.
- I never blink.
- Neither do I, sir.
- You blinking well do.
Sergeant Major, which one
of us two is blinking here?
There is only one
blinking man blinking
here, Gunner, and
that's bloody you.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I catch you again on parade
wearing my moustache...
that moustache,
you'll be on charge for
impersonating an officer.
Ooooh.
Later, sir. Later.
Who are you?
Easy, sir.
Quite possibly. What's your name?
That is it, sir. Alice Easy.
Oh.
Well, do your top button up.
I can't. They won't let me.
- Who? Who won't let you?
- Them.
Oh, nonsense. Do 'em
up... erm... it up.
Good gracious me. Stand to
attention, you're on parade.
Put those shoulders back.
Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.
Regular?
- I've been regular for 18 years.
- Oh, good.
That means I can have
it back tomorrow.
You'll have it back
when I'm ready.
That's all right.
No need to strain yourself.
You are a shower.
A shambling shower.
And I mean to shake you
up more than somewhat.
- Sergeant Major?
- Hah.
Dismiss this shambling
shower from my sight.
Hah.
Parade. Right turn.
As you were. As you were.
You stupid f...
How is I expected to use the
proper words with women present?
Never mind. Never mind.
Just f...
Forget it.
Go away.
Ah, yes, sir. They gives
me a headache too.
It's not a headache. It's the
stomach. There's a button in it.
What you might now call a belly
button, sir. Hee-hee hee-hee.
Oh, shut up.
20 year I've been a
sergeant major and
nobody told me to shut up before.
I is the person what tells
people to shut up, sir...
- Shut up.
- Hah.
Now, Sergeant Major,
what, in your opinion,
is the thing most
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
Well?
What's the matter with you,
man? Have you been struck dumb?
- I asked you a question.
- Sir.
Have I got permission
to break the silence?
Of course you have.
Very well, sir. Kindly
repeat the question.
I repeat, what in your
opinion, is the thing most
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
- Only one thing in my book, sir.
- Yes. Yes.
- Firing squad.
- Ah, yes. That's it.
What sort of a suggestion
is that, Sergeant Major?
The only one I has to offer.
I has tried everything else.
Well, thank you. That's
been a great help.
I shall have to think
for both of us.
I've got it.
- We're going to have an air raid.
- My God, sir. They will panic.
- This is just a practise.
- They'll still panic.
Yes, they will, won't they?
- The wind.
- Not me, sir.
No, Sergeant Major.
The wind is what
you and me are going
to put up them.
Gives me the wind
just to look at it.
Leonard...
- What?
- I've got this feeling.
There's a time and a
place for everything.
- Not that kind of feeling.
- I didn't know you had any other.
No. Listen.
I've got this feeling
that that new
bloke's going to
make trouble for us.
That pipsqueaker? He's too
little to be awkward.
Squash him into the ground.
Not worried about him.
I'm more worried about this.
Do we eat it or rub it in?
You can bounce it off the
ceiling for all I care.
Right, Sergeant Major. They should
be starting on their pudding.
Now. Now, Sergeant Major.
- Sir?
- I said now.
- There is no need to shout, sir.
- What?
- There's no need to shout.
- What are you mumbling about?
- There's no need to shout.
- Who is?
- I said now.
- Hah.
Here. What's that?
- No, it can't be.
- It can't be what?
- What I think it is.
- What do you think it is?
It's an air raid.
Get a move on.
I'll say one thing for
them, Sergeant Major...
they certainly know how to run.
Oh, yes, indeed,
sir. Of course, they
is running in the wrong direction.
What?
The gun emplacement
is over there, sir.
Well, why are they
running that way, then?
Air raid shelter, sir.
They built it. They
calls it the snoggery.
I don't care.
There's an air raid on. This is
an anti-aircraft battery unit.
Is it?
Rat-a-tat tat. Rat-a-tat tat.
Bang.
Bang.
I could have sworn
someone said "bang".
Oh, Leonard. Ooh,
what a lovely idea.
Lovely.
I said bang.
You heard what the officer said,
you horrible shower. He said bang.
Don't you realise
there's an air raid on?
Course we do.
Well, then?
Well, you shouldn't
be out in it. Come in
here with us, sir.
There's plenty of room.
Yes, do join us, Tiger.
I'm not coming in there.
You are coming out here.
With an air raid on?
There's ladies present.
You can't have them
out in an air raid.
No, you can't.
There is no air raid.
- But you said there was.
- It's a mock air raid.
Oooh.
I mocked it and you
made a mockery of it.
That's nice, isn't
it? You're having a
mockery while we're
having our grub.
I was just enjoying
my spotted dick.
Yeah.
Shut up.
All right. Carry on,
Sergeant Major.
- Carry on what, sir?
- Get 'em out. Get 'em out.
Sir.
Right.
Get outside on the double. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
Get the lead out of your pants.
Knickers, Tiger. Knickers.
What?
Ladies wear knickers.
Pants or knickers,
shift your ar...
What's inside 'em.
Now, look... 20 years I've
worn this crown on my sleeve.
You wouldn't like to be the cause
of me losing it, would you?
I mean, after all
that... serving...
of King and country.
Oh, Tiger...
You all heard what
the sergeant major
said. All out. Or I'll
break you in two.
In two lines. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Now, you dozy lot,
when I say "man the
gun," I want you
to double off to the emplacement.
Now, man the gun.
Oh, for heaven's sake. All
right. Woman the gun as well.
Come on, you Brownies. Let's have
you. Knees up, knees up, knees up.
Load.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hah.
What the blue-blank-blazes
is that?
It's a gun, sir.
It's made of wood.
It's not a real gun yet, sir.
A gun emplacement
without a real gun?
With respect, sir.
Remember there's a war on.
Real guns is hard to come by.
Permission to carry on
with the gun drill. Fire.
Bang.
What the devil's going on now?
We're dead, sir. A round
exploded in the breach.
It's the ammunition
we're being sent.
Anything wrong, sir?
- You've gone white.
- It's that damn button.
Are you taken short, sir?
Keep your voice down,
Sergeant Major.
You just carry on doing
whatever it is you're doing.
No.2 detachment, take post.
Go to bearing 90-2E-20.
Halt.
Now, this time, just for
me, let us get it right.
Parade... dis-miss.
That was lovely. Good.
Thank you very much.
Get out of my sight.
That includes you, Ffoukes
Sharpe. Look sharp.
Silly boy.
Aarrghh.
You may not frighten the
enemy, Sergeant Major,
but, by heaven, you
certainly frighten me.
It's not my fault,
sir. That was hers.
It was entirely hers, sir.
What are you talking
about? Whose fault?
Oh, Tiger.
Private Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir... is after me.
After you? What for?
- She has designs on me, sir.
- Get this bloody thing off me.
Sir.
Oh, I sees your predicament, sir.
And I feel it. Get it off.
Steady, sir. Resist me.
Resist me, sir.
You is not resisting.
Pulling out.
Sergeant Major, we're
getting nowhere fast.
Perhaps you should er...
clench your cheeks, sir.
They are clenched.
That is true, sir. Forward march.
Right. Clench the table, sir.
Now, grit your teeth and we
will have it off in a minute.
A bit of leverage.
Aaaaahh.
Brace yourself, sir.
Is it off?
Can't you feel the
difference, sir?
No.
It must be your bum is numb.
Permission to unumb bum, sir.
Get on with it.
Aarrghh.
That will soon bring the blood
back to your cheeks, sir.
Cruel to be kind, sir.
Cruel to be kind.
If you're going to talk about
being cruel to be kind,
you may as well know,
that as far as
that shower outside is concerned,
that I intend to be
cruel to be cruel.
- I is very worried, sir.
- You is very worried.
I is worried about you, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant
Major. Very decent.
I think you is going to cause
trouble and they will not like it.
The likes and dislikes
of the men under
my command are neither
here nor there.
Sir, if you does not know the
difference between here nor there,
you does not know the difference
between men and women.
Some of the men in
this camp is women.
They are all men to me.
Oooh, I wish they was,
sir. I wish they was.
I'd have them saluting till
their arms dropped off.
I'd run them till their
legs dropped off and
I'd rant and roar till
their ears dropped off.
As from tomorrow, I
intend to start a
series of what I call
my agony parades.
In that case, sir,
tomorrow morning, the only
parade you is likely
to see is sick parade.
- Right. Who's first?
- A.
What do you think
these are, Nurse?
Come on, then.
Oh. Oh, Nurse.
Oh, Nurse. I need assistance.
Oooh. Oh. Oh.
All right. Drop your trousers.
But, sir, it's my ears,
my nose, my throat...
My throat and my knees.
My feet... oooohh.
I'll be the judge
of that. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
Right. Next.
Here, Shaw. What
did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your trousers," had
a look and gave me two aspirins.
What sort of a doctor's
he? Here we are
pretending we've got
different complaints...
Hey, Shorthouse, what
did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your
trousers," had a look...
- And he gave you two aspirins.
- No, he gave me half an aspirin.
- All right, drop your trousers.
- Aaaerrhhee.
I was...
Haabbeeerrr.
Have you noticed anything
strange about me, sir?
Yes, you haven't dropped your
trousers. Two aspirins, Nurse.
Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hey, he told me to
drop my trousers
and he gave me two of these...
aschooo... sprins.
All right. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
- Where are they?
- They is all sick, sir.
- All of them?
- I told sir so, did not I, sir?
Hee-hee hee-hee.
Well, never mind. I've
had a word with the MO.
Those are my orders.
Right, Sergeant Major. Let
them know that we're here.
13-13 Battery, get on parade.
I want you to run
them into the ground.
What about the females, sir?
As far as I'm concerned,
this is a unit. One piece.
My duty is to make it
an efficient unit.
I am unaware of males or females.
To me, they're all alike.
They are the same.
Right, Sergeant Major?
Give 'em hell.
Ahaaah. Come on.
That is not the way.
That is not the way. When one of
your comrades is a short arse,
like Shorthouse here, a taller man
climbs up on him.
Down, Shorthouse.
- But, Sergeant Major.
- Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me.
Get down. Watch me.
Right. Steady. Up.
Give me your hand.
Now, pay attention.
You cannot go under the wire.
You has to go over the wire,
which means that one of you
has to lie on top of the wire
and let the rest of
them walk over him.
Right. One volunteer.
- You.
- Me?
Move yourself.
That is not the way. That
is not the way. Fall out.
Move yourself.
Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh.
Charge.
Next.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the way.
You must not stop to think.
Are you sure this rope's
safe, Sergeant Major?
Safe? Of course it's
safe. Watch me.
Well done, Sergeant Major.
Fingers of steel, boy.
Fingers of steel.
Right.
Right, Gunner. Your turn now.
Drown the lot of you.
Sergeant Major...
Yes, ungrateful...
Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up.
On your feet...
I'm talking to you,
Sergeant Major.
- Sergeant Major.
- What are you up to, boy?
- Come on.
- Serge... Sergeant Major.
- Oh, it's you, sir.
- God.
Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?
You sort of walked into
my nightmare, sir.
I thought you were short
arse, sir. I'm sorry.
And so you damn well
should be, man.
- You dropped your hat, sir.
- Where is it?
Right, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major, now
you're on your feet,
I'm going to blast
their blasted evening.
- What have you got in mind, sir?
- A surprise kit inspection.
Men's hut first.
? Tango
- Get those pants down.
- Not bloody likely.
? Tango
Having a musical soiree, are they?
Sounds more like a tango, sir.
Oh, come on, Sergeant Major.
Aarrghh.
Enemy approaching.
Operation Scarper.
You is covered in...
something distasteful.
I'm aware of that.
Are you going to
change or what, sir?
I mean, there's...
a bit of a pong.
Sergeant Major, when I start
something, I go through with it,
come hell and high water.
And whatever this is.
Tell them I'm here.
Commanding officer.
Your nostrils, Sergeant.
My nostrils, sir?
They're twitching.
It's like, suddenly,
there's a funny
sort of smell come
into the hut, sir.
Why do you think
that is, Sergeant?
Well, it's like suddenly...
someone's come in
who's covered with...
Ooh, something nasty, sir.
Yes, someone is.
Me.
Now, Sergeant...
how do you suppose that occurred?
I...
I can't say, sir.
- I can. Trip wire.
- A trip wire, sir?
It tripped me right in it.
- Right into the...?
- Yes.
How do you suppose...
it got there?
What, you mean the er...?
You know the officer
means the trip wire.
I'm doing the talking,
Sergeant Major.
Well?
Well...
Well, sir, that... that is a
trap for Nazi paratroopers, sir.
Am I a Nazi paratrooper?
No. No, sir. You're one of us.
I think.
Explain yourself, Sergeant.
Well, sir, in this hut, we are
usually otherwise engaged.
You know, kipping and
things like that.
And... well, we
thought some sort of
early warning system
was necessary.
I mean, you can't trust
that Hitler, can you, sir?
And this unit prides itself
on being ever ready.
Yes, Sergeant?
Bombardier Ready, I
wasn't talking to you.
I am addressing the
commanding officer.
What is that man doing sitting at
attention on that man's shoulders?
Well, sir. That's presence
of an officer, sir.
But why sitting on
someone's shoulders?
Sir, Shorthouse has a
fine head of hair.
We use him to keep
the cobwebs down.
Ready, give the officer
a demonstration.
My head. Ow, my head.
He's banging it.
Careful. You're banging my... Ow.
You're off balance.
Enough of that. Enough of
that. Get down, that man.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
Stand by your beds. This is an
inspection. Move yourselves.
Come on. At the double.
Get properly dressed.
Do yourself up. Lad.
Do your flies up, that man.
Your brains is catching cold.
Lay it out. Lay it out.
Hang properly to
attention, that man.
You call that laying it out?
Give us a minute, Sergeant Major.
Never mind that, Sergeant
Major. What the devil is this?
Ah. Yes, sir. You see, those,
sir, are ear muffs, sir.
A trophy of war, that is, sir.
Ear muffs? Trophy of war?
Captured from one
of them German ATS
during the retreat
from Dunkirk, sir.
It says "Made in England".
Atishoo.
Who's that sneezing
up in the loft?
Him, sir.
It couldn't have been.
I've seen you talking.
Yeah.
He was talking and then...
then he sneezed, sir.
I didn't see him.
No, sir. I would never sneeze
in the presence of an officer.
So, he sort of... He threw his
sneeze up... up into the loft.
- Didn't you, Ready?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Oh, no, sir. Church of England.
Do you pursue the
ventriloquial art?
In an amateurish sort
of way, yes, sir.
Do it again.
Er... again.
You mean. You want me to...
throw my voice and sneeze
up in the loft again?
- Sir.
- Yes.
- Atishoo.
- I saw your lips move.
- I didn't.
- I did distinctly.
I should give it up, if I were
you. You're not very good at it.
The state of this hut's
not very good either.
In fact, it's horrible.
In the time it takes me to shower,
you shower will clean
this place up.
I want this floor
polished from wall to
wall. Under the beds.
Round the stove.
Polish it everywhere.
I want it so that I can
see my face in it.
You heard what the officer
said. Get on with it.
No. No. No. Something
has got to be done.
- I know what he wants.
- What does he want?
He wants us to polish
the floor, sarge.
Phoooorrr.
He's in it again.
You...
You... you... aarrgghhhhh.
What has happened?
He went through so
fast, I think he
might have been taken short again.
Yes. A nasty friction
burn you've got there.
What have you been
doing? Arsing about?
A drop of calamine will soon
get to the bottom of this one.
I will cancel the
route march, sir.
You'll do no such thing.
No choice, sir. Your
uniforms is at the cleaners.
I know that. Arrghh.
You cannot go on a
route march in your
underpants and with a
burnt bum to boot.
Get me a battledress,
Sergeant Major,
from battalion stores, you fool.
I've already rung the stores and
there's nothing in your size, sir.
This is a bit near
the ground, Melly.
Get me a battledress, Sergeant
Major. I don't care
how, but get it.
Sir.
What does he expect me to do?
Knit him one? The short arse...
That's it. Short arse.
Little Gunner Shorthouse.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
My best battledress,
Sergeant Major?
Do not bandy words
with me, lovely boy.
Or I will raise my right leg
six inches from the ground,
place my No.10 firmly on
the top of your head,
and press you straight
through the floorboards.
Nice.
Best walking-out battledress,
short arse, please.
What if he wants to go
walking out, Sergeant Major?
Then he will just have to stay in.
Oh, flipping heck.
Only one man round here
allowed to use bad
language, Gunner, and
you is looking at him.
Get it out, lovely
boy. Get it out.
- Pardon?
- The battledress. Get it out.
Sergeant Major.
I do not know about
walking out in it. It
looks like you've been
sleeping out in it.
Press it like it's never been
worn, stick three pips on,
bring it over the battery
office in ten minuets.
By the way, the whole of the mixed
section will parade at 0900 hours.
You is going walkies.
- Walkies?
- A route march. Hee-hee hee-hee.
I is looking forward
to seeing you off
on them 12 foot-blistering miles.
I cannot wait to wish
you luck, as you
wave me goodbye. Hee-hee hee-hee.
12 miles.
So you see, Tilly, I
wanted to ask your advice.
I mean, you being a
woman and all that.
- Oh, so you've noticed.
- Yes.
- A couple of times.
- Not now, Leonard.
We're on duty.
You see, the little perisher is
going to wear this on the march.
- Him?
- No, no. Not him. Him.
- Captain flipping S Melly.
- Oh, Smelly himself.
So, with all your knowledge
of erm... sewing and that,
what can we do to sabotage
Shorty's walking-outs?
I don't want anybody
sabotaging my walking-out.
A. It's either your
walking-outs or our feet.
Well, Till?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Built to withstand all the
rigours of wars, these.
But what are we going to do?
Wait a minute...
I'm waiting.
Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach?
Oh, Leonard. Get me some.
Ready. Get me some.
- Have you got a match?
- Yeah. Your...
This'll make him hop a bit.
Parade.
Right heel.
Parade, ready for
route march, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Mixed section, move to the
left in column abrupt.
Left turn.
By the left, quick march.
Mixed section, halt.
What the devil do you think
you're doing, Sergeant Major?
Seeing you off, sir. Somebody
has to hold the fort.
A fort with only a wooden gun...
doesn't need holding.
Fall in at the rear.
With respect, sir. I cannot do
route marches with my feet.
Well, you certainly can't
do one without them.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
- Fall in.
- Sir.
Mixed section and
Sergeant Major...
quick march.
You seems to have come
apart at the seams, sir.
Mixed section, halt.
Left turn.
- Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
- Put them all on a charge...
- Hah.
Every man, jack and woman of 'em.
Sir.
You is all on a charge.
Er, what is the charge, sir?
Laughing...
on duty.
Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left.
Defaulters, halt.
Hats off.
- March them in, Sergeant Major.
- One at a time, sir?
They're all on the same charge.
I'll see them all together.
Sir. Defaulters, opposite sex
first. Single file. Double march.
Left, right. Left,
right. Move yourselves.
Left, right. Left,
right. Mark time.
Left, right. Left, right. Move
yourselves. Left,
right. Left, right.
Halt.
Where are you, sir?
Over here, Sergeant Major.
Can't see you, sir.
Raise your hand, sir.
Will you kindly remove your...?
I can't. I'm squashed.
Take a deep breath,
Ffoukes... Ffoukes Sharpe.
Oh, never mind where I am,
Sergeant Major. Read the charge.
Hargh. Defaulters
did, whilst on duty,
indulge in unauthorised laughter
in contravention of
King's regulations
and War Office instructions, sir.
I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't er...
We couldn't quite catch that.
Will you kindly remove
those things from my...?
I said you're all confined
to camp for two weeks.
Carry on. Sergeant Major.
Sir. About turn.
Double march. Left,
right. Left, right.
Move yourselves. Move yourselves.
Sergeant Major. Shut the door.
That'll teach 'em.
What are you shaking
your head for?
They will not mind being
confined to camp, sir.
Nonsense.
Every soldier minds
being confined to camp.
Not when half of
'em is women, sir.
- They is happy here.
- Happy?
It has always been
my proud boast, sir,
in all my time as
a sergeant major,
in all my camps there
has never been a
single sign of
happiness... till now.
Why, man? Why?
This lot have got everything
they want here, sir.
Such as?
A bit of this. A bit of that.
A lot of that, actually.
A lot of what?
You know, sir. That.
Surely you don't mean
a bit of the other?
This, that, or the other, sir.
They is at it all the time.
In and out of each other's
quarters like fiddlers' elbows.
Are they indeed?
That is something to
which I'm going to
put a bloody stop.
With respect, sir. We cannot stop
them without staying up all night.
That will not be
necessary, Sergeant Major.
Sir?
We will build a chastity fence.
- A what, sir?
- A sort of a big belt.
Oooh.
Made of barbed wire.
Cor. That sounds a bit
uncomfortable, sir.
Too-wit.
Too-hoo.
Last one, Sergeant Major.
Steady, man. You caught me right
in the... field dressing.
Lift.
I think congratulations are
in order, Sergeant Major.
- Thank you, sir.
- Not you, you fool. Me.
- Come along. Let's get back.
- There's gratitude for you.
Sir.
- Private Easy?
- Yes, Sergeant?
Make the signal to Sergeant Able.
Code or plain language?
- Plain language.
- Right away.
- Ready?
- Sergeant?
Make to Sergeant Willing,
message received...
and understood.
Sergeant.
Alice, I don't think I can
hold this pose much longer.
- I'll get cramp.
- Really?
Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you?
Oooh.
I told you so, Sergeant.
It's not only barbed
wire, it's rusty.
Rusty?
I'll get blood poisoning
on my hooter.
- Shut up about your hooter.
- It's the only one I got.
You don't think the
girls have gone off us?
It's got nothing to
do with the girls.
This is a right
load of old Smelly.
Smelly? Doowarrgghpree.
- Stop doing that.
- He can't do that to us.
- He's done it.
- But it's inhuman.
He ain't human.
He ain't going to
get away with it.
- Double back and fetch a tin hat.
- What for?
- Do as I told you.
- But...
- Scarper.
- Yes, Sergeant.
Right. Here. Now, listen...
You all know the drill for
this sort of operation.
I am asking for a volunteer.
Right, sarge.
Well done, son.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much, sarge.
- What for?
- You have just volunteered.
Have I?
Put your helmet on,
cover yourself up.
No, not on your head.
Cover your er...
I don't understand.
What do you mean?
Show him, will you?
- Ooh.
- Just hold it right there.
What for?
So you don't do yourself an injury
when you lays down
across the wire.
What?
Come on, lads. The
girls is getting cold.
No. No, Sergeant.
I'll do anything. Not on the wire.
- Don't throw me on the wire.
- One... two... three...
Aarrghh.
Cor blimey, Ready.
What have you done?
Nothing.
Ooh. My neck.
Keep your hand on your helmet,
otherwise you'll be
ruined for life.
Here we go.
Careful, lads.
Wake up.
Wake up.
How are you feeling, son?
Just as though those
explosions are
reverberating all through my body.
Just so long as your
helmet's not damaged.
- Ooooh.
- There.
Yeah. And I thought he was
just a little basket.
Well, what is he, then, sarge?
A cunning little basket.
- Morning, sir.
- Good morning, Sergeant Major.
You requested my presence
at this early hour, sir.
Yes. I did indeed. Why? Did
I interrupt your sleep?
- It doesn't worry me, sir.
- I should think not, indeed.
Well, now, it's coming
up to the hour. Five...
four, three, two, one.
Sound the reveille.
- Reveille?
- Yes. The wakey-wakey.
Get up and win the war. When
I'm on my feet, everyone is.
Beg pardon, sir, but I's found
you gets more out of this shower
if they is allowed to wake
up... sort of gradual, like.
Well, from now on,
they're going to wake up
sort of sudden, like.
If they gets up on
the wrong side, sir,
they can make your life a
bloody misery all day.
Yes, well, I'm the
man who makes lives
bloody miserable, Sergeant Major.
- Sound the reveille.
- Very well, sir.
I think I can safely
say that this is
definitely going to
give them the needle.
Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee.
Stand by.
- Blimey. It's only half past six.
- What a liberty.
Here, turn that off.
Oh, my gawd. Give it a rest.
- What the hell was that?
- Sounds like reveille.
Well, turn the bloody thing off.
You can't turn off
a tannoy, sarge.
Get on Ready's shoulders
and stuff something up it.
What can I stuff up it, sarge?
I don't know. Your head,
your arse, your elbow.
Only hurry up. I'm
trying to get some kip.
- Hey, Ready.
- What?
- Hand us my pillow.
- Can't you remember anything?
I can't see.
- Get it out of my face.
- There we are.
It's stopped. We'll
take it back again.
Wakey-waaaakey.
Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.
You may break your
mothers' hearts,
but you will not break mine.
How dare you stuff the
commanding officer
whilst he is talking.
Unstuff him at once.
Get down and get dressed.
And, the rest of you, what
does you think you is doing?
Well, we was trying
to get some kip.
But you has had all night to kip.
Now, then, off your
backs, on your feet and
get into them ablutions
at the double.
Aeroplanes.
Hey, what's all this about,
then, Sergeant Major?
Aircraft recognition. These
is your new pin-ups.
I bet none of you can tell
the difference between
a couple of Heinkels and
a pair of Bristols.
No, but I can recognise a
Fokker when I see one.
Good boy. That is why
you is a sergeant.
Attention. All ATS personnel.
I'm going to make men of you.
As from this moment,
skirts will not be worn.
Skirts will not be worn.
Ooh, that'll be a bit draughty.
Battledress trousers will
be worn at all times.
- That is all.
- Wait a minute.
Private Easy, did you
hear what he just said?
Of course. That's what
we're talking about.
No, no, no, Bombardier Murray.
He said, his exact words were,
"Battledress trousers
will be worn.
That is all."
Yes.
So he did.
Wakey-wakey. Rise and shine.
All ATS personnel
taking breakfast,
fall in outside under
Corporal Murray.
Come along, girls. Fall in.
How dare you come on
parade improperly dressed?
We're only obeying
orders, Sergeant Major.
Or...
Orders? Whose orders?
His. Sir's. We're
to wear battledress
trousers and that's all.
The officer wouldn't
give that order.
His very words.
The dirty little...
Sergeant Major.
What the devil's going on here?
Why are these men half-naked?
Because, sir, you said they was
to wear trousers and that is all.
I did not.
Oh, yes you did, sir.
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you d...
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.
Quiet.
I'm going to make a
couple of points.
Ooh.
Sergeant Major, when I
said, "That's all," I
didn't mean that's all,
I meant that's all.
That sounds like a
lot of alls, sir.
The cold wind of change is going
to blow through this camp.
This I promise you. So
you'd better take cover.
I have now... Do you
mind, Sergeant Major?
I have now taken you apart.
And from now on, that
is how you will stay.
Apart.
You will eat apart.
You will march apart.
You will live apart.
Left turn.
- Worlds apart.
- Right turn.
During gun drills. Which
will now take place daily,
gas masks will be
worn at all times.
Do I make myself clear?
There will be
compulsory nights out
every night until 23:59 hours.
Transport will be provided.
ATS, Mondays,
men on Tuesdays.
Look at him laughing at us. Look.
And so it will go on and
on and on and on...
until the whole of Europe is ours.
How did he get into our army?
Sieg heil, Melly.
I've got it. I've got it.
- Whooerrpaaahh.
- So has he.
Well, take it outside.
And throw a bucket of water on it.
I've got it.
- I've got it.
- What a waste.
Poor devil.
Leonard.
Right, you lot. Over here.
Come on, move yourselves.
Now, this is the plan.
We are going to dig a tunnel.
We are going to dig a tunnel.
A tunnel of love.
It won't be as dark as that.
Cop hold of these.
Never thought I'd find a
use for my Army knickers.
- Or any other kind, dear.
- Cheeky.
Now, keep it up, girls.
The boys ain't half going
to get a surprise.
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
Come on, Sergeant
Major. Security patrol.
Is that the best the military
police could send you?
Yours may be bigger
than mine, sir, but
I've been told mine's
got more bite.
Oh, come on, Hitler.
Come on, Muscles.
What's that?
What's what?
Sounds like somebody tunnelling.
Well, that's you, innit?
- What was that?
- What?
It sounded like somebody digging.
- That was you.
- Oh, yes. Of course it was.
Check the padlock, Sergeant Major.
Sir.
Sergeant Major, will you keep
that dog of yours under control?
I understand he's house-trained,
sir, but not outside-trained.
Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on.
Shhh.
Listen.
They're patrolling.
- Not a word. Pass it back.
- Pass it back.
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
Heel, Muscles.
Quiet.
It's not me. It's my teeth.
Some old bones buried around here.
Aaarrghh.
Pull yourself together.
Get back at the double.
That was a close call. I
was nearly a dog's dinner.
Alice, hold them still. How
can I get anything in those?
Tilly, darling.
Guess who's here?
Leonard, dearest, move
over. Your Tilly's cold.
Leonard?
Leonard.
Tilly. Where the hell are you?
Hey, sarge. Here.
Oh, no.
We must have tunnelled
back into our own hut.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't be stupid, stupid.
The girls must have
had the same idea.
- So, they're in our hut.
- So, they're in...
Come on.
No.
- What do you mean no?
- Listen.
If we wait here, they
will come to us.
Right?
We are going to sit here quietly
and they will come to us.
Yes.
- Hear anything?
- Only you.
Reveille? We've been
at it all night.
Yes, and not even a nibble.
Well, it can't be.
Wakey-waaaakey.
Get stuffed.
Stand at ease. Easy.
This is a great day... for
13-13 Experimental Battery.
And an even better night for us.
Are you coming down my tunnel?
Or am I going up yours?
As a result, Headquarters
have at last agreed
to send us that most
desirable piece of equipment
to have handy in time
of war, namely, a gun.
May God protect us all.
The Brigadier himself will be here
tomorrow for a full inspection
and, I hope, to see us in action.
Ah, here she comes.
Company. Atten-shun.
? Rule Britannia
If he goes over our
tunnel, he'll fall in.
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
Culprits to my office at once.
Sir.
Right, you horrible
stinking shower,
I wants the guilty party, on the
word of command, male or female,
to take one pace forward.
The guilty party, one
pace forward, march.
The ground... cut
from under our feet,
and I am determined to
get to the bottom of it.
- Answer me. You.
- Yes, sir.
Answer me.
Well, I have, sir.
Who is responsible? Answer me.
- Moles, sir.
- What?
Well, I think it was moles, sir.
Who is responsible? You.
I think it was moles, too, sir.
Moles. Moles?
You don't get your ordinary
type of mole round here, sir.
These is all whopping
great big 'uns, sir.
How big?
Oh, well... as big as that
big dog of yours, sir.
Moles... as big as Great Danes.
Oh, no. Bigger, really.
Bigger?
You know that hill
outside the camp, sir?
Yes.
That's a molehill.
Good Lord.
- That hill must be 20 feet high.
- Well, sir...
that just goes to
show you, doesn't it?
- Sergeant Major?
- Sir?
- Have you ever seen these beasts?
- I has not, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I may say so, sir, if
I had seen such an animal...
you would need a gun
as big as the one
that went down the
hole to shoot it with.
Thank you very much,
Sergeant Major.
Sergeants Willing and Able, you
have just told me a tissue...
Bless you, sir.
Of lies.
The whole lot of you...
are going to remove my
gun from its present
hole and put it in
its proper hole.
I don't care how you do it.
But you are going to do it.
And you are going to keep on
doing it until it is done.
Heave.
- Shorthouse, are you heaving?
- I'm heaving.
Look sharp, Sharpe. Heave.
You ruin my gun...
I will ruin you. Heave.
No, he ain't going
to get away with it.
Making us sweat like that.
How do you mean, us?
He ain't going to get away with
it, making you sweat like that.
But he is flipping
getting away with it.
Not for long, son.
It's a top brass inspection
tomorrow, innit?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Brigadier's coming, isn't he?
Yes, Sergeant.
What about it?
This about it, son.
He has gone too far.
So we are going to put
into operation Plan B.
Good Lord.
Melly seems to have turned
that girl into a man.
Jolly smart, sir?
You don't suppose sheer bloody
ignorance has worked, do you?
It couldn't be anything else, sir?
He hasn't got anything else.
Parade. Parade.
Atten-shun.
Good show, Melly. You've got them
all turned out like guardsmen.
Thank you very much, sir.
Do they all perform
as well as they look?
I've put a stop to all that, sir.
What?
Oh, I don't mean I've stopped
them performing, sir.
I've them stopped
them... Well, erm...
performing.
- Don't follow, old boy.
- Oh, how can I put, sir?
I erm... Ah.
Oh, I see.
Got yourself a hen coop?
Ha ha ha ha.
Wittily put, sir.
Yes, I rather thought so myself.
Come along, Melly.
Let's get cracking.
Very good, sir.
- Colours, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
- A bit of a bloomer there, Melly.
- I...
Whose flag is it supposed
to be? Nicaragua's?
Thank you, Carstairs.
Excuse me, sir. Pull
those knickers down.
No.
Not you.
You, Bombardier. Get 'em down.
I'm terribly sorry, sir. Some
sort of innocent mistake.
Pulling down knickers is rarely
innocent and never a mistake.
- What?
- Oh, an epigram, sir.
I say, sir.
That was rather good.
What's next on the agenda?
Things seem to be
flagging round here.
I thought a spot
of gun drill, sir.
All right. Let's shoot off.
You f...
Fall in at the gun
emplacement. Move yourselves.
Come on. Move yourselves.
Get them bodies moving.
13-13 Battery, at the double...
stop for nothing, take posts.
Watch it. Aarrghh.
Better get him out of
there, Sergeant Major.
Sir.
Steady, sir. Excuse
the familiarity, sir.
Aahh.
Got yourself in a bit
of a hole there, Melly.
Hole. Ha ha ha ha.
- Permission to carry on, sir.
- Please do.
You two men there.
It doesn't need two men
to lift one shell.
You couldn't call us two men, sir.
More like one and a half.
- It doesn't need one and a half.
- These things is heavy, sir.
A man could do himself a mischief.
Rubbish.
Come on. Hand it to me.
- Over to you, Sergeant Major.
- Tiger, darling, let me.
Don't say darling in
front of officers.
But I couldn't bear
it if you strained
something before we'd even...
you know...
I do not know.
Well, let me teach you.
I find these things
awfully exciting.
I don't know why.
Take that thing out of there.
She's rammed it up.
Let it stay up.
In that case, sir,
gun loaded, sir.
Bearing 270.
Call Melly, will you?
Sir. Captain Melly.
Sir?
Surely, in the interests
of efficiency, you
shouldn't have someone
with... those...
doing... erm... that.
Do you know, sir, you're right.
Yes, well, I always try and
keep abreast of things.
Oh, droll, sir. Very droll.
- His cock?
- I beg your pardon.
Gunner His cock. Replace those...
her, will you?
Yes.
Carry on, Sergeant.
- QE 30.
- Gun ready for firing, sir.
Right, stand by.
Fire.
Hardly went off
with a bang, Melly?
Carry out drill for misfire.
Breach jammed, sir.
Jammed? Get out of my way.
Put up a bit of a
black there, Melly.
Permission to take a shower.
Where are you going to take them?
Not this shower, sir.
Hot shower.
Yes. Well, I must admit,
you do look a bit grimy.
Carry on with the brigadier's
inspection, Sergeant Major.
Hah.
Shall we commence
in the mess, sir?
Seem to be in it already.
Ha ha ha. Humpf.
It will start working soon.
He'll turn bright blue as soon
as he gets in the open air.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
If you could see your way
clear, sir, to grant
me a transfer, I would
be eternally grateful.
I would do anything, sir. Any
mission you care to suggest.
I could parachute into
Germany. Kill Hitler.
Captain Melly resuming duty, sir.
- Melly?
- Sir?
Melly, last time I saw you, you
were black. Now
you've turned blue.
Blue?
Blue. Mirror.
- Blue as a baboon's arse.
- Ha ha. Oh...
Permission to have
another shower, sir.
Granted.
Carry on with the
inspection, Sergeant Major.
Hah.
On the other hand,
sir, if you does
not fancy me knocking off Hitler,
how about that fat
slob of an Italian
ice cream merchant
Musso-bloody-lini?
Are you a coward, Sergeant Major?
Me, sir?
You want to go gallivanting off,
trying to kill
Hitler and Mussolini
and sneak out from under
this very tough job here?
Only a suggestion, sir.
Bloody ashamed, you
should be. What's this?
Games room, sir.
What's the name of this
game, Sergeant Major?
- Unarmed combat... sir.
- Oh?
What the sergeant major
means, sir, is... Ahem.
Is that you can never
be sure when them
Nazi paratroopers might land, sir.
And we must be ready for them.
By fighting with ladies?
Ah, sir, we heard...
about them nuns, sir.
You know, sir. Them
nuns when the Frogs was
done. With Tommy guns
up their habits.
Those nuns, Sergeant Major, were
German soldiers in disguise.
What we was doing, sir,
was getting used to the feel of
fighting something in skirts.
What do you say, Carstairs?
- Can you explain that, Sergeant?
- Well, sir. This is erm...
well, a mixed battery, sir.
And er... well, in a mixed
battery, you have to er...
- Mix it.
- Mix it.
Carstairs, you fancy yourself
at unarmed combat, don't you?
I know a trick or two, sir.
Go on, then. Choose your opponent.
Thank you, sir.
You. That man there.
- Me, sir?
- No, no. No. Not you, Bombardier.
I never fight a man
with his glasses on.
I'll take them off, sir.
No, no. It'll be too dangerous.
Thank you. Back into line.
Sir.
You. That man over there.
Me, sir?
Yes, you.
Sir, why don't you try
one of our young ladies?
Good idea. Why not try
one of her ladies?
Just to show how far advanced
in the game we are. Sir.
- Ladies, well...
- Jolly good idea. Go ahead.
- Ffoukes Sharpe.
- Pardon?
- Sir.
- Sir.
- If I was you, sir...
- Yes, Sergeant Major.
How you wish you were me.
No, sir, I think I
should warn you...
Don't worry, I shan't hurt her.
Right, Ffoukes Sharpe. En garde.
What are they afraid of, what?
Stand by, Sergeant.
Oooh. Aarrghh.
Thank you, madam.
I wasn't ready, sir.
Come along, Carstairs.
I think we've both
hung around here long
enough, don't you?
Ha ha.
Whoever perpetrated that blue
joke is going to suffer.
Suffer. I'll murder 'em.
I'll make dog meat of 'em.
I'll show them who's wearing
the trousers around here.
Good afternoon, sir.
I say, sir. That ATS private's
wearing a moustache.
That's no ATS private,
Carstairs. That's Melly.
13-13 Battery, take post.
Action stations, Carstairs.
Action stations.
Is this the real
thing, Sergeant Major?
Yes, lovely boy. It is you
against the Hun this time.
Move yourselves. Move
yourselves. Come on. Come on.
Sixpence for every
one you shoots down.
Two bob if it is a German.
Come on. Come on. Move yourselves.
Move yourselves. Come on. Come on.
Here, did you see that?
Leonard, you cannot expect a
brigadier to expose himself.
I think perhaps we should go now.
Get those bloody guns ready.
Put those gas masks on.
No.1 detachment, take post.
Right. Stand by.
With respect, sir. You
is improperly dressed.
If it wasn't for you, Sergeant
Major, I wouldn't
be in this shape.
- I reckon they're Fokkers.
- Have you got it up?
- I beg your pardon?
- The shell, man. The shell.
- That's rammed up all right, sir.
- Then fire it.
Fire.
Bloody hell.
Don't shoot at him. Shoot at them.
You dozy idle fool.
220-35-29.
Fire.
Fire.
190-30-28.
Shorthouse.
Get that shell in the breach.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Get out.
- Fire.
- We've got him, Sergeant Major.
- Let's hope it's one of theirs.
- Aaaaaahh.
- Well done, lads. Again.
Fire.
It's a hit, sir. It's a hit.
- Well done, Tiger.
- Thank you, Smelly... sir.
Do it again. Do it again.
Fire.
It's another hit, sir.
Well done, Jock.
Do it again.
Right, stand back, you two.
That's it. Fire.
You've done it. You've
done it, my lovely boys.
- We did it. We did it.
- Leonard, you did it.
- No, we did it, Till.
- We did?
Take that message back to Hitler.
A-haaaa.
Go on, Tiger. It's your birthday.
- I love you.
- You can tell him that as well.
All right.
Parade... stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Now. I am sure that
you is all dying to
know the state of your
commanding officer.
And I is very happy to inform you
that apart from a
cracked funny bone,
sustained in the recoil,
and a couple of
sprained fingers from
tugging the toggle,
he is in what might be
described as rude health.
In fact, he is coming
out here now to
congratulate you as you
so richly deserves.
And the same to you.
Hooray.
And so it came about
that through the
blunderings of one
poor bloody officer.
A certain person who shall be
nameless was able to create
an everlasting symbol of
encouragement and
devotion to duty.
A symbol accepted throughout
the entire world.