Carry On Cruising (1962) Movie Script

Well, gentlemen, here we are just

about to set sail

on another cruise.

For ten years we've run

this ship together,

steadily increasing our reputation

as the most efficient crew afloat.

Together, that's the word.

We know each other.

Ten solid years of

mutual knowledge, and

that in itself makes

for efficiency.

And enables me, as I look

at all your familiar

faces, to come to the

point and say...

- Who are you?

- Your First Officer, sir.

You're not. Foxton is. What's

happened to Foxton? Is he ill?

- What's he got?

- Eight draws, sir.

I should be so sick.

I'm your emergency

replacement, sir.

Marjoribanks.

On transfer from the Wrens?

They told me you

were a pretty wit,

sir. It's pronounced Marchbanks.

At your service, sir.

What are you laughing at?

Nothing.

- Who are you?

- Marjori... The ship's doctor.

- Impossible.

- It's not impossible at all.

I have certificates to

prove it. Have I not?

- I'm certified, I am.

- You look it.

- Thank you.

- A wit. They were right.

- Shut up.

- Sir.

- Binn?

- No, that's the trouble.

Well, I haven't been

regular, lately, you see.

So, therefore, I prescribed myself

a sea voyage and the exercise.

That's why I'm here, actually.

- Say "sir".

- You say "ah".

Good gracious me. I do not like

that green fleck in the eye.

Never mind about his eye.

Where have you sprung from?

Oh, er... Consolidated Marmalade.

I was the factory's

Medical Officer, you see.

- Where's Dr Jepson?

- Consolidated Marmalade.

This eye? Is it this

eye? Are you sure?

Yes, that's the one.

You see this here, sir?

Green as grass in there.

Too much chlorophyll

in the toothpaste.

Watch it.

- Sir.

- It's all very unsettling, this.

All these changes

made behind my back.

Pardon?

- My back. My back.

- Probably overdoing it?

- I'll massage your clavicles.

- You will not.

Now, where was I?

You were getting

to the point, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, if this voyage

turns out to be

as successful as all the others,

don't be surprised if, after our

return, I ask each of you to...

Excuse me. Could you

direct me to the kitchen?

I'm new, you see.

Sorry to interrupt

you, but I've been

all over the boat.

- Ship.

- Who cares, as long as it floats?

I've been down the sharp

end and the blunt end,

and I've been down as far

as it's possible to go.

But I keep on finishing up

ankle-deep in mucky water.

- Bilge.

- Ooh. No need to be rude.

- Who are you?

- Well, make a wild guess.

Wilfred Haines, Captain.

You'll find me on the list.

What happened to our

regular ship's cook?

Perhaps he got fed up.

- Fed up. That's good.

- Belt up.

- What's your story?

- I'm the son of a sea cook.

The original one, to look at you.

Thank you.

No, I've always

wanted to go to sea.

Thought I'd follow my father's

wake, as it were. See?

All I want to see is

that this crew finishes

up the most efficient

that we've ever had.

If it is, when we return,

I expect to be given

command of the company's

new Atlantic liner.

Which means I will

have to select my own

crew, and that could

be you. All of you.

- All right, dismissed.

- Oh, good.

Except you, you and you.

Now, then. I am going to be blunt

and make some very

cutting remarks.

On the face of it, that's

a contradiction in

terms. But English is a

very curious language.

If you interrupt me

once more, Mr... Mr...

Marjoribanks, sir.

Thank you. If you interrupt

me once more, mate,

you'll hear some really

curious language.

Now, then. I have

slugged my way up

from nothing to get

where I am today.

But there are some copper-bottomed

gentlemen on the board

who still think it's

dead wrong for an

H-dropper like me to

be a ship's captain.

And they would scuttle me

if they had half a chance.

And that is why I have

built this whole crew

round me, so they

don't get the chance.

That is also why I get nervous

when I see new faces.

Your faces are new.

So I'm nervous.

To me, you look like

disaster on six legs.

Prove I'm wrong. That's all I ask.

- Clear?

- As day.

- As an X-ray.

- As soup.

- Who are you?

- Me, sir? Turner, sir.

- Turner?

- Turner, sir.

- What are you doing here?

- Head barman, sir.

You can't be head barman.

Angus is my head barman.

- Not any more, sir.

- Not any more?

They can't do this

to me. Changing the

barman? It's like

ripping out the engine.

What has happened to

Angus? Don't tell me

he got married and

swore off the booze?

- How did you guess, sir?

- Oh, no. Not Angus.

He's the only one... Do you know

how to mix my favourite drink?

- What's that, sir?

- The Aberdeen Angus.

No, but you've only

got to tell me...

But I can't tell you.

Only Angus knows it. Didn't

he tell you the secret?

Didn't he give you

the recipe for the

drink that's got a

kick like a steer?

No.

The whole cruise...

without an Aberdeen Angus

kicking about inside

me. I'll go barmy.

Hello, hello. Well, this

ain't the kitchen, is it?

I should say not. It's the

Captain's night cabin.

Oh. Cosy.

Distinctly cosy, yes.

Er... Do you know

where the kitchen is?

Afraid not, sir. I'm a

stranger round here myself.

Another new face? Poor

fella. You'll cop the lot.

♪ Tiddly-pom-pom

Oh. Morning, sir.

Don't tell me. You're

my new steward?

Lovell has broken his leg?

You've only done three trips.

All from Tower Bridge to Margate.

You're dead right,

sir. How did you know?

I'm psychic.

- Tom Tree, right?

- That's right, sir.

Branches everywhere.

I twig.

We're moving.

- Oh, Glad.

- Oh, Flo. We're moving.

- Bye.

- Who are we waving to?

- I don't know.

- Oh, Flo.

- Oh, Glad.

- Let's go up the other end.

- Right. Oh.

Sorry, ladies. I didn't

look where you were going.

Do you think he drives the boat?

He looked more like the conductor.

- Ooh.

- There, ma'am. Is that better?

Yes, thank you. What

is it I'm standing on?

A bollard.

Oh. Fancy.

- Hey. Are we moving?

- That's right, chief.

Yeah, you know I

thought I felt so...

Here, is something up, chief?

Surely you're not seasick?

But, chief, we've

hardly left shore.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah. Now that looks very comfy.

Yes, just the sort of thing

I need for the exercise.

Right. Never too early to start.

Argh.

Help. Help. Doctor.

I want a doctor.

I could use one myself.

What's the trouble?

- Seasick?

- Terrible.

- You don't look seasick.

- Well, I'm not up here.

- Where are you seasick?

- Down below.

- What do you mean?

- Out of sight of sea and sky.

Doctor, could you look at

my green eye? I'm worried.

- No, don't. Please.

- Don't be silly.

Don't shut the door. As long as I

can see the sea, I'm all right.

It's only when I go down below

my tummy starts doing the twist.

For Mrs Beeton's

sake, please help.

Marjoribanks, shut

the door, will you?

- No. No.

- Be quiet, you gastronomic goon.

Do you want the whole ship

to know you're seasick?

Doctor, you must do something.

I mean, what a start,

if the cook can't cook cos

the quack can't cure him.

I'll cure him or kill him. Ooh.

All right, come here.

No, let me see the sea, please.

All right, have a look

at the sea, then.

- I hesitate to interfere...

- Go on hesitating.

I was going to suggest a

traditional cure for mal de mer.

I don't happen to

be treating a mare.

Excuse me.

- Here, cooky.

- Thanks, cocky. I mean docky.

That'll soothe your nerves.

Water, nurse. I mean Marjoribanks.

Was that the kill or the cure?

This happens to be the

first of three stages.

Three stages?

I'm all right now. Ooph.

These tablets will

counteract the somnolent

effect of the mixture

and give you energy.

Now er... just a little

shot er... to...

increase the value

of both treatments.

- Roll up the sleeves.

- No, thanks.

I can't bear to see

the needle going in.

Oh. Well, there's only one other

place available. Drop 'em.

I'm not holding 'em,

whatever they are.

I rather fancy the Doctor

means your trousers.

Oh, my trousers... My what? Never.

If you want promotion

to this new liner...

Say no more.

Argh.

What's the matter,

Steward, not feeling well?

Oh, no, sir. No, I'm all

right. It's just, well...

I'm new to this sort of thing and

er... I'm afraid of

making a mistake.

Well, you don't want to be afraid.

All you need to be a good steward

is tact. I'll give you an example.

A steward I knew walked in on

a lady standing in her bath.

Took one look at her, he said,

"Excuse me, sir" and left.

Tact, see?

Hey, that's dead clever, innit?

I'll remember that.

- Thank you, sir.

- Right, go on, then.

Hello, hello. And which of

you two fellas takes sugar?

Get out.

Morning. Hope you slept well.

Clot.

Quite an energetic game, what?

Bye.

Ooh. Ooh, my knee.

Bye. See you again.

Bye.

- That's it, Flo, you've clicked.

- With that? Thank you.

Oh, don't be like that. I

think he's rather nice.

Then you have him.

I'm on this cruise to

get a rest from men.

Bighead.

Bighead?

Oh, no, really, I think you

ought to give him a chance.

He seems kind of... helpless.

Helplessness is the last

thing I am looking for.

Mad, impulsive fool.

- Er... working on the omelette?

- Something wrong, chief?

Oh, no, no, no. I've

never seen eggs

cracked more

conscientiously. Or slowly.

Speed, man. Speed is the

essence. Do it the Haines way.

Lift... and drop.

Now you just strain

through with a sieve.

Get me the First Officer.

Come in.

- What delayed you?

- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Overslept, Mr er... Mr er...

Sea air, sir. I

always find the first

few days makes me

feel quite drowsy.

Shut your porthole.

Begging your pardon,

sir, one must have...

And your cakehole. Stop fidgeting.

Paperwork. Not my

favourite occupation.

Nor mine.

- It's going to be, from now on.

- Oh, charming.

Health report, doc

report, crew report,

food report, log

report, sports report,

diesel, oil and fuel report.

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

- Omelettes all prepared, chief.

- Excellent.

That was a timesaver. In a

matter of minutes, 1200 eggs.

1200 e...

You should have seen

'em sliding through

the sieve, slurp, slurp, slurp.

- Slurp.

- What can I do now, chief?

Out of my way.

They're wearing off.

My pills. They're wearing off.

Heels together. Hands

extended above the head.

And... bend.

Three.

And lower. Heels

together. Hips firm.

Doctor. Doctor. Doc...

The mixture. Where...

Urgh.

That's better.

The pills.

Pills...

Different colour. Same shape.

One... two...

It's all right, I

left it in the cabin.

Wow.

Her-Cu-Les.

I saw him first.

I thought you wanted

a rest from men.

In his case, I'll

make an exception.

You promised you'd help me

find a husband on this cruise.

From now on, my motto

is: help yourself.

You could do the same.

Dr Binn's obviously

interested in you.

Hmph.

That's all for today,

girls. Dismissed.

I will follow my heart,

Florence Castle.

Then this is war, Gladys Trimble.

- Right.

Excuse me, ladies.

I shall be taking coffee

alone, Miss Castle.

I do not say I hope

it chokes you, Miss

Trimble, I merely gloat

over the possibility.

Ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

We meet again, what?

Would you like to er... poop

up on the pop deck with me?

Doctor, do me a favour.

Operate somewhere else.

- How many have you taken?

- Three.

- Three?

- Yeah, why not?

They're my last-resort pills. For

bringing people out of a coma.

Yeah, well, I wish I could

come to a full stop.

I'll have to give

you an injection.

Not again.

Come back.

Ooh.

Well? What's this

conference all about, then?

Now, gentlemen, to this

captain, we are new faces.

And as such, our every

word, our every action,

is subject to

infinitesimal scrutiny.

He means the Captain's

got his beady eye on us.

- Oh, yes.

- Precisely.

Now, gentlemen, I

take it we all yearn

to serve on this new

Atlantic liner?

- Oh, yes. Of course.

- Good. Good.

The mind of the Captain

works in a strange way.

Let one newcomer make an error,

or commit an indiscretion, or...

Drop a clanger, lads.

And all newcomers are

tarred with the same brush.

And prejudiced this may be,

but fact it undoubtedly is.

Have I your agreement

for a policy of unremitting

quasi-Teutonic

organisational perfectionism?

He means fingers out.

So, heave-to, gentlemen.

Our first major opportunity

to impress is now. Tonight.

- Good evening, Captain.

- Hello, Miss Castle.

- Enjoying yourself?

- Yes, thank you.

Ah, Mr Jenkins, I'd like

you to meet Mrs Lewis.

Hello, Miss Castle.

Good evening, Miss Trimble.

Enjoying yourself?

Very much, thank you.

- He's over there.

- Thank you.

Have one with me, old

chap. It's all free.

Yeah. I think I could do with it.

- Love?

- Yeah.

- Well, how did you know?

- That's why I drink.

To forget her.

- Forget who?

- Blessed if I can remember.

Good evening.

- Miss Madderley, good evening.

- Good evening.

Good evening, Miss er...

- Good evening, sir.

- Good evening.

What's my steward

doing serving here?

Begged for permission to lend

a volunteering hand, sir.

Anything to help the smooth

running of the ship.

- Good for him.

- Isn't it, sir?

All we newcomers feel

the same way, sir.

Just keep your beady...

your eyes on us.

I will.

Fine conditions in the

Atlantic tonight, I hear, sir.

Well, that's great. We don't

happen to be on the Atlantic.

Just thought I'd

let you know, sir.

Thank you.

Must circulate. The

social touch, you know.

May I have the next dance?

I didn't know this was a dance.

Oh er... Ooh.

No, it isn't, is it?

But every time I look

at you I hear music.

Every time I look at

you I think of music.

- Do you?

- Mm.

- Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.

- Oh, wait.

Yes, the tropical

night sky always...

Please.

Captain. Don't panic.

Keep quite calm. Captain.

Water. Water. Ah. Here's water.

Captain. Cap...

Doctor. Where's the Doctor?

Doctor. Doctor. Ooh.

Very nice.

Come on. Everything

will be all right.

Come along, now. I'll soon have

you on the table. That's right.

This way.

Come on, Captain. You'll

soon be all right.

Now keep taking the tablets.

Thank you, doc.

Fool.

During the war, I did

Arctic runs that would have

made HMS Ulysses look

like a trip to Brighton.

Without getting a scratch.

Two days on a simple cruise

with you lot, and look at me.

Come in.

Good morning, sir. Some coffee to

soothe your nerves, calm you down.

There, there. I always say

worse things happen at sea.

We are at sea, you landlocked nit.

Well, you'd never know it. These

stabilisers are marvellous.

You're late.

Sorry, sir. A lot of

work to clear up.

What with his face

and his wrist and

your nut... erm... your head, sir.

Well, well, well, how

are we all feeling now?

Shut up.

I usually penalise defaulters

by stopping 'em a day's pay.

If I did that with you, you'd

owe the company money.

So I'll have to be content

with a few words.

You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

Oh, sir, you got my

name right, at last.

I'm in the mood for

using the right words.

You, Marjoribanks, are a...

I tell you, my ears are burning.

I shouldn't wonder. Someone's

been talking about you.

Do you think he's ever

studied medicine?

I wouldn't think so, no. Why?

In describing us,

he employed a great

deal of physiological terminology.

Well, he was medically incorrect

in what he called you. Come on.

On the toes... and bend.

And... stretch. And... lower.

Well done, ladies. Keep it up.

I'll try.

That's all for today,

ladies. Dismissed.

Come on in, miss.

I don't want to intrude.

You won't, if you join

one of my PT groups.

Well, I was thinking

more of your...

individual attention.

You must be very advanced.

Well, you know.

No, really, are you? It'd be

such a kick for me if you are.

Most of these people

haven't a clue.

Want to make up for

50 weeks' lack of

exercise with two weeks'

puffing and blowing.

Well, I...

Yes, I suppose I am

a bit of a body-builder.

Have you got a gym at your office?

Why bring him up? Oh, gym.

Yes. Oh, yes. It's a

very progressive firm.

They provide everything

for us girls.

We've got a gymnasium, rest

rooms, midget bowling alley...

Terrible typewriters, though.

Marvellous. I'm all for the modern

girl taking care of her body.

Provided it's not

carried to extremes?

Well er... let's see

what you can do.

Right. After you.

Look, Mum, no hands.

Just to warm up. Come

on. Over you go.

Who moved the ship?

- What about the bars now?

- Oh, I'd love a drink.

That should really loosen you up.

- You reckon?

- Come on. Over you go.

- Fabulous.

- Argh.

- Are you all right?

- Nearly burnt my boats there.

- Well, what's next?

- No, you show me.

You're an expert on rope

work. It's my weakest point.

Mine too. My one failing. I've

a terrible head for heights.

But... you were just up there.

Me? Me up there?

Oh, blimey.

Miss Castle. It's

Miss Castle. What

have you been doing

to Miss Castle?

We were exercising together. I had

no idea she wasn't used to it.

Well, luckily for you, I'm used

to an emergency and you're not.

Would you mind leaving me

with my patient, please?

All right.

For what I'm thinking,

I could be struck off.

Breathing very well.

In... out. In... out.

In... Oh, stop it, Arthur

Binn. Be professional.

The pulse. Of course, the pulse.

Oh.

I'm fingers and thumbs today.

Oh, dear.

Well, I'll go straight to

the heart of the matter.

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom

bom-cha-cha-cha.

Argh. Oh. Ah.

Wait. Madam.

I must have a witness. The BMA

will never believe this. Argh.

- What are you doing?

- I was just resuscitating you.

Oh.

- Look, you don't understand.

- Don't I?

- It was just a doctor's dilemma.

- I was on the ceiling.

What am I doing here? Let go.

The ceiling. Delirious.

Well, get back on

the ceiling if you

want to. There's a nice ceiling.

A special ceiling you

can lie down on.

He's bonkers.

- That is a nice ceiling, yes.

- Oh, it's a beautiful ceiling.

Get on it like a good

girl. It's quite

safe, you won't fall off. You see?

Come on, then.

Now, you relax and

tell me all about it.

Yes, I might just

as well get it all

straight. I was just

checking on your heart.

I had my head here like that.

Then your arm came up like that.

Then the other one

came up like that.

He's at it again.

- We'll visit Dr Binn next.

- Yes, sir.

You kept squeezing and wouldn't

let go. And suddenly, down we...

It's... not a good moment

for your inspection,

sir. The Doctor is

treating a lady.

What's he treating her to?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Do you know Miss Castle, Captain?

Not as well as you do, Doctor.

Good morning, sir.

One for the road?

What road?

Everybody's going ashore,

sir. This is sunny Spain.

So that's why they're charging

around like a load of bulls.

Bullfights, flamencos,

ladies, olé.

Oh, lay off.

Surely, sir, you're

not stopping here?

Why not?

Spain's got nothing

for me that I can't

get right here. Open the sherry.

Now, let's try it again.

Ooh.

Oh, my eye.

Watch.

Very good. If it

were full of snuff.

It's made wrong.

You're doing it wrong.

Let me do it on you.

You've done it on me already,

bringing me on this cruise.

First port done, not a glimmer

of a husband in sight.

Aw.

- Shove your head back.

- Glad.

Oh, keep still. I nearly

shampooed you with it.

Get on with it.

Open your mouth.

Glad, you are awful.

Girls. Girls. Olé. Olé. Oh.

- Olé, señor.

- Oh, hello, Binn.

No, señor, I am the famous

toreador from Madrid.

You look exactly like our

Medical Officer, Dr Binn.

Well, señor, this afternoon

I fight 15 bulls.

That's an awful lot of bull.

Well, my father, he breeds the

famous fighting bulls, you know.

Every year, 50,000 bulls he sends

off by ship to South America.

50,000 bulls?

Yes-yes. And also, every year,

20,000 more he ships

off to France.

That's 70,000 bulls.

Yes-yes. He's one of the biggest

bull-shippers in the business. Ha.

Well, watch it, mate. I

am Ferdinand the bull.

Oho.

Hey. Back, mate. Come on.

Hey. Ah.

Olé. Olé. Olé. Hey-hey.

Olé. Ow.

You. You...

Get out of here.

Yours is the best.

Yes.

- Excuse me, sir. Very sorry.

- Thank you.

Having a little party

in your cabin, sir?

With one guest. Me.

Sir?

Turner, the Aberdeen Angus has

a most distinctive aroma.

- Sir?

- A niff all its own.

And that's why you want

to find the recipe?

I like the taste, too.

Now, then. If I mix this

lot in a few different

permutations, by the

law of averages,

sooner or later, I must

stumble across the recipe.

It's not the only thing

you'll stumble on, sir.

Very comical.

Would you like me to help, sir?

No, your place is

with the passengers.

Sir.

I've just got time to do

a bit of mixing before

the daily officers'

meeting. Here we go.

Gin, mother's ruin.

Some Benedictine,

merriment in a monastery.

Some sherry, toreador's

transfusion.

And one for his nob, créme

de menthe with the hole.

I'd rather not be

disturbed, Marjoribanks.

I can imagine.

Unless it's something

very important.

Oh, no, no, sir. It's nothing.

That's all right, then.

What are you gawping at?

That mixture.

I haven't even started yet.

Now, then. Beaujolais.

With some egg flip. A dash of

bitters. That should do for me.

I don't doubt that for a minute.

Blimey.

- Binn. Binn.

- What is it?

- The Captain.

- Has he fallen in the drink?

The drink's fallen into him. He's

in his cabin

surrounded by bottles.

- It smells like a brewery.

- I knew it. A secret drinker.

He's blatant.

You'll have to take over the...

Ship. I can't. Can't you cure him?

Captain. Oh, Captain.

Hear that? He's incoherent.

- You'll have to take over the...

- Ship.

- Summon the officers.

- What have they done?

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please.

It's my painful duty to inform you

that Captain Crowther is guilty of

being drunk in charge of a liner.

As to his future, well, obviously

that lies in hands

other than mine.

All I can say for the

moment is that, by the law

of the sea, I hereby take

command of this vessel.

In a climate like this,

this ought to be buried.

Oh, well. One more go.

After the meeting.

That one I should have drunk.

There's very little I can

do at this juncture,

but as soon as

Captain Crowther, or

should I say ex-Captain Crowther,

has drunk himself into a state

of complete insensibility,

I will confine him

to sick quarters

and then I'll do the

best I can to...

salvage what I can from this

sozzled wreck of a man.

Gentlemen. Everybody here?

Right, let's get down to business.

What's the matter with

you, Marjoribanks?

Drunk?

Oh, no. Perhaps not.

Oh.

Oh. Ooh.

Hello there, madam. It's the first

time we've seen you in here.

Oh, I don't really

drink as a rule.

But I've just been through

such a shocking experience.

Oh? And what do you think

you'd like to get over it?

That. Such an enigmatic label.

Vodka? Neat?

Oh, yes. I do like things tidy.

- Cheers.

- Hooray.

Central heating all to myself.

I'll have some more.

- Are you sure, madam?

- Oh, yes, yes.

Fill her up again, and

two shots of Redex.

- Oh, hello, girls.

- Hello, Miss Madderley.

- Champagne, please.

- Certainly, madam.

Oh, I say, Flo, steady on.

You're not used to champagne.

Nonsense. It's just like

cider with a French accent.

Besides, I can drink anything.

At our office party...

Will you have one, Miss Madderley?

She's just been on vodka.

Ooh, yes. I'm well in

practise. Thank you, my dear.

- Call me Bridget.

- Florence.

No, dear. Bridget.

I'm Florence.

- Oh, yes. Florence.

- I'm Glad.

So am I. Well, now,

that's all sorted out.

- Mud in your eye.

- Really?

Oh, well, never mind. They

say it's good for the skin.

Tame. Tame.

I could put brandy and

brown sugar in it.

That sounds good.

- Skip the brown sugar.

- Good idea.

- That's better.

- Much better.

Flo.

- Let's have something different.

- Mix it?

Some of us can...

some of us can't.

Cor.

- I'll buy this one.

- My pal Bridget.

That. Ooh, lovely colour.

- Green chartreuse, madam?

- To match my friend's complexion.

- Doubles.

- Flo.

- Down the hatch.

- Ooh, not likely.

I know a much better place.

- Oh, come on, Flo.

- My round. My round.

Name it, Bridget.

- Flo, dear...

- Two Flo Dears, neat.

I thought you meant

the name of a drink.

Two Flo Dears.

Ooh.

Ooh, lummy.

Flo, dear, do you think I

could possibly have that?

- Whiskey?

- Flo.

Scotland forever.

- It's Irish.

- Up the Irish.

- We'll have both.

- No prejudice.

- Macbeth.

- Macfisheries.

- Begorra.

- And a...

And a shillelagh under your arm.

What a woman.

Come on, Flo. Let's go home now.

What? Swim all the way?

No, I mean give in. Let's leave.

Never. Anything she can

booze, I can booze better.

Who did that? Who did it?

I'll go ten rounds with

anyone in this bar.

Put 'em up.

I'll be back. As soon as I've had

a bit of fresh air, I'll be back.

Line 'em up, Bridget, old

girl, and I'll match

you tit for tat and...

and... tot for tot.

I can walk... you know.

Face to face with Dr Crippen.

Yes, Miss Castle.

Are you all right?

You seem to think so. You asked me

to dance with you a say or do ago.

I've thought it over.

I'd be charmed.

♪ I belong to Glasgow ♪

♪ Dear old Glasgow town ♪

♪ Dee-da-dee-da-dee-da,

a-dee-da-dee-da-dee ♪

♪ Dee-da-dee-da-dee ♪

Oops.

You're lovely.

How come you haven't

got a better job?

- Miss Castle, please.

- Well, I mean to say.

He's so dis... dis...

so dis... elegant.

And only a bus inspector.

- Madam, this is the Captain.

- And I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Here, you... you... you

get off the buses, mate.

Go to sea.

You've got that naughty

nautical look, you have.

Lovely.

You're just lovely.

There you are.

Oh.

Ooh... Ooh, the ship's growing.

- Tell the Captain.

- I am the Captain.

And I'm Toulouse-Lautrec.

Anchors aweigh.

- Come on, Flo.

- Lovely.

Wait for me, Bridget.

- Well?

- Well...

None of us can be

blamed for that, sir.

It's just a couple

of ladies having a

tidge too much of

the old duty free.

Yes, that's all it's...

Served by Mr Turner.

One of your quintet.

Marjoribanks... she...

she danced with me.

Well, don't preen yourself, Binn.

She had to be drunk first.

Oh, yes, she di...

You.

I thought so.

- Where are we?

- Italy, sir.

Italy. Ah, it's good to be back.

- Open the chianti.

- Certainly, sir.

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Please come to me ♪

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Na-dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Mm.mmm ♪

♪ Dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Da-dee-dee ♪

Ah. This'll slay 'em in Streatham.

The Captain's on his bridge.

All's right with the world.

Good.

What a secure feeling

to be able to sleep

soundly with the

Captain at the helm.

- Glad.

- Oh.

Oh, Flo. What a shock.

To me, too.

Glad, I've just realised.

I'm a woman.

You always were observant.

Now can we get some sleep?

A woman who needs

a man, not a boy.

A mature, responsible,

dominant man.

- Like him.

- The Captain?

Oh, Glad, if only he'd show

some interest in me, I'd...

Aye aye, sir.

Aye aye, aye aye, aye.

Ooh.

Sir.

Ooh.

Be serious. He's old

enough to be your father.

I need a mature man.

Don't you understand?

Yeah, you've got a dad fad.

Here he is. Oh, if he so

much as looks at me, I'll...

- Let's go back, then.

- Oh, no.

Oh, Flo, for heaven's

sake, don't make

a spectacle of yourself. Come on.

I can't move. In either direction.

My knees have gone.

My heart. My head. I feel awful.

It must be love.

Sounds more like a shallow sleep.

- Morning, ladies.

- Good morning.

What's the matter?

Did I startle you?

No. No, it's quite all right.

I... Excuse me, I

think I'd better go

and have a look at

the propeller shaft.

Why? Are we flying

the rest of the way?

Excuse me.

Glad... Oh, Glad, did you see him?

My eyes weren't shut,

I'm sorry to say.

Don't do that.

Do you mind?

Where are you going?

I thought I'd go off er...

leave you alone... come later.

What's the matter? Have you

got water on the knee?

No. Never mind my knee,

sir, that'll mend.

But you seem worried.

Maybe I can help.

- Mind you, I'm not prying.

- Then don't.

It's just that I do

have a certain capacity

for sorting out other

people's problems.

On my last ship, I

was known as the...

Freud of the Frozen North.

Very well, if you don't

wish to confide in me.

No, no.

They do say two heads

are better than one.

Very true.

- Even if one of them's yours.

- Charming.

Marjoribanks, I'm

going to tell you.

I have just done something

I have never done before.

I made a lady scream.

Very interesting. How?

I said good morning.

Should that have frightened her?

Come on. You look as if

ladies often scream at you.

Flatterer.

You must have an

electric sex appeal.

I have not.

- There's another explanation.

- What's that?

- No, I can't say.

- Come on, tell me.

- No.

- Why?

- You'll be cross.

- I will not be cross.

- You promise?

- Of course. Scout's honour.

Why did she scream

when I looked at her?

That's it.

- What's it?

- Your face.

My what?

Scout's honour. You said it.

My face?

Your face, suddenly

zooming up at her...

That's it.

This is terrifying. This

could drive a man to drink.

No. Just don't come upon any

women very suddenly, that's all.

Drink. That's it.

Drink, Marjoribanks.

A little one, if you insist.

No, no, no. Now I know what to do.

- Is Tree outside?

- No, but there's a palm.

- That's the answer.

- You'll give her a palm?

Oh, shut up. Tree.

Tree. Come here, Tree.

- I could never do that.

- Oh, it's easy. Watch.

Miss Castle. The Captain's

compliments. Can

you spare him a few

moments in his day cabin?

- At once?

- Yes, miss. If you could.

- Are you going to have a dive?

- Yes. Head-first into his arms.

Glad, it's the Captain.

He sent for me.

I must have shaken him.

I tell you, Marjoribanks,

I shook her.

I frightened her because I was

rude when she was plastered.

- Poor girl.

- I wish she'd hurry.

I've got to convince

her that the Captain

is everybody's friend,

not a horrible ogre.

Quite so, sir.

Oh, go straight

through, miss. Your

fairy godfather's waiting for you.

Come in.

Ah, Miss Castle. I'm sorry

I interrupted your swim.

What's a swim compared

with the tide of life?

Yes, er... Will you sit down?

You'll forgive me if I'm

very brief, Miss Castle.

To save time, why not call me Flo?

And why not? It's

more friendly, isn't

it? And that's what I

intend to be, Flo.

- More friendly with me?

- Certainly er... Flo.

- What's your first name?

- Er... mine?

Mm.

- Wellington.

- Mother frightened by a boot?

Well, no. I think they

expected me to be a soldier.

Oh, I'm glad you're not.

Give me a sailor every time.

A man can be more proud of

his craft than his barracks.

Quite. Yes, quite.

It all boils down to

this, Miss Castle. I

don't want you to be

frightened of me.

Oh, how sweet you are.

- Then you do understand?

- Perfectly, Wellington.

Good.

- But you're quite wrong.

- I am?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I want to be just that little

bit ever so scared of you.

- What for?

- It's what I need.

A sort of father figure.

Do go on... Dad.

I've forgotten what

I was going to say.

Then let me say it for you.

All right, then.

That look between us, that was

enough, more than enough.

In that flash of time, you saw

my need and I saw the supplier.

- Now wait a minute.

- A pure and perfect transaction

across the shop

counter of existence.

- And yet you're worried.

- You can say that again.

Worried about the difference

in our ages. Well, I'm not.

- You're not?

- No, no, no.

I don't care if you're old, lined,

going grey. I prefer you that way.

Yes, Wellington. I want to do my

packing in the bags

under your eyes.

My dear little Wellington bags.

Miss Fokstle. Er, Castle.

Now look here, Flo.

- You're blushing.

- I'm melting.

It's wonderful. You're so human.

Mature... and yet modest.

Oh, why have I wasted

my time with mere

boys? Wellington,

you... are my Waterloo.

Flo, ebb a little.

We've got to get to

know each other.

- Stand back.

- Oh. Anything you say.

So masterful.

But relent... for a moment.

- Kiss me.

- You naughty girl.

Am I?

Well, if you catch me,

you can spank me.

Who is it?

Marjoribanks, sir.

- Has she gone?

- Yes, sir.

There seemed to be some

crossing of purposes, sir.

I explained to Miss Castle and,

somewhat red-faced,

she's departed.

Well done. Ooh.

Who did you say was

frightened of whom, sir?

Good morning, madam.

I see by your hat

you've been to Mecca.

Your tea, madam.

Why don't you feed the

camel? He looks hungry.

Aye.

Yes, I will. Certainly.

I'd rather not discuss

the Suez Canal.

Me neither.

Very well. I'd love to

meet your four wives.

Yes.

Oh, tea.

Hoo-hoo. Or should

I say er... chai?

Chai.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Nice new day, nice new

start. You watch me zip

through the paperwork.

Lie down.

I'm gonna find out

what makes you tick.

Tick, sir?

- Psychologically speaking.

- I don't understand you.

That makes us even, cos

I don't understand you.

You mogadore me.

Inside you, Marjoribanks,

you must be a writhing

mass of complexes, egos,

and all that gear.

A captain has to

understand his men. And

that is why I am gonna

psychoanalyse you.

Freud knew what he

was talking about.

On the other hand,

I'm not a Jung man.

Well, as long as

you're Jung at heart.

What are you talking

about? There you

go again, flying off on a tangent.

Couch.

Couch, not crouch, you

fool. Get over there.

Terribly sorry.

- Right, now then, talk.

- Talk what?

Anything. That's how they

do this psycho malarkey.

- I feel silly.

- You don't look silly.

- I do.

- You don't.

- I know I do.

- I swear you don't.

What do I look like, then?

Lovely. Languid like a

lily. Come on, talk.

- That's very vivid.

- What is?

That phrase you used,

languid as a lily.

Is it?

Yes. Are you

interested in flowers?

Oh, yes.

- Do you enjoy gardening?

- Very much.

Got a nice garden at home?

The envy of the

Horticultural Society.

- Do you belong to many societies?

- Quite a few.

- Gregarious?

- No, Taurus.

Ooh. Interested in astrology, too.

- Yes, sit down.

- Oh, thanks.

Now, quickly, what does

this make you think of?

- The bull.

- Horns.

- No, hang on a minute.

- Horns of a dilemma, for example?

- How did you know?

Yes. Put your feet up. We

are getting somewhere.

We are not. I'm supposed

to be doing you.

Captain, don't quibble, please.

Horns of a dilemma, that's

it. That's your analysis.

You see everything as a dilemma.

- You see everything as a problem.

- Very true.

Because of your deep-rooted

inferiority complex.

I don't feel inferior.

Of course you don't.

It's all in your UCS.

- My what?

- Your UCS.

- So are you.

- No, UCS, your unconscious.

Look here, Marjoribanks, you are

supposed to be the idiot, not me.

How did I get down here?

It's always a shock when

illusions disperse.

Don't worry. Now you

know your own problems,

you'll get rid of this idea that

everyone's persecuting you.

- I will?

- Yes. Of course.

And forget this fear of new faces.

New faces can be just as efficient

as the old faces,

just as efficient.

Well done, Marjoribanks. You've

made me feel much better.

- I feel much better already.

- That's the spirit.

Highly successful.

- Oh. Morning, Captain.

- Morning, Dr Binn.

- You're a new face, aren't you?

- No, it's the same one, sir.

But you've got to remember,

a new face is just as

efficient as an old one.

Well done. Very good.

Nil return?

I've never known

such healthy people.

- What do you want, an epidemic?

- Of course not.

I just don't know what

to do with myself.

You could help with this.

- I'm too tense.

- Well, relax.

- I can't.

- Run round the deck.

- Right off exercise.

- Well, so lie down.

- I'm too restless.

- Well, read a book.

- I can't concentrate.

- Well, write a book.

Oh, please. You've got to live

before you can write a book.

And no one can say he's

lived until he's loved.

- Well, go out and love someone.

- I do. Her.

- Who her?

- What do you mean, "who her"?

Miss Castle.

- Miss Castle?

- Oh, Miss Castle, yeah.

- Have you told her?

- No, you know me, I'm too shy.

- Here, I could cable her.

- Why not semaphore?

You have to declare

yourself openly.

Otherwise you'll stay

right where you are.

Right up an impasse.

Oh. Oh, I see. You

mean speak to her.

Yes.

Straight from the shoulder

to the point of dislocation.

Ooh. I'd die if I did that.

It would put you out

of your misery.

You've no sympathy.

Do you expect me to

tell her for you?

- Oh, would you?

- What, am I Cyrano de Bergerac?

Who's he? Would he tell her?

What cabin's he in? What deck?

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. Keep calm.

No, no, please. You've

got me all worked up.

I'm frightfully sorry.

Don't apologise. I'm not angry,

you've done me a good turn.

Yes.

In this mood of self-realisation,

of merciless self-determination,

- I think I could do it, you know.

- You could?

Yes, I think I could

overcome my timodity.

Your what?

Time... Overcome my

timidity, I mean.

I could. Yes.

I could go right up to

her now and I could...

- Ooh, I could speak to her.

- Bravo.

- Thank you.

- Not at all.

I'll be indebted to you

for the rest of my life.

Now is the time.

Think only of now.

- Oh, you're right. Good luck.

- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.

- Ooh.

- Here.

Fool.

Oh.

You're always leaving

that thing lying

around. It's worse

than a pair of gloves.

- Why not leave it in the cabin?

- Somebody might have kicked it.

Let's see if it's still working.

It's simple. Of course.

There's nothing to it.

All these years of

shyness. It's ridiculous.

Just go right up to

her and say, "Miss

Castle... I have

something to tell you.

I am a plain, simple

man, Miss Castle.

I have plain, simple feelings,

and I use plain, simple words.

And I simply have to let you know,

plainly, that I... that I...

that I slainly and pimply want...

Cooo.

Point it towards Italy.

Well, which way is that?

I don't know. Wave it about a bit.

♪ Beautiful Marie...

Oh, Flo.

Isn't that romantic?

Just dishy.

Why can't Englishmen

sing to us about love

instead of dragging us

off to rugger matches?

I couldn't resist any man

who'd sing to me like that.

Good day, madam.

Care for a knock-up

while you're waiting

for your partner?

Ooh, I haven't got a...

Well, yes, Officer. Thank you. But

I'm not very good at the game.

Oh, it's quite easy.

Just be careful

not to pong instead of ping.

- Gently to begin?

- If you please.

Ow.

I'm terribly sorry.

Most unfortunate.

Beginner's luck.

Try your luck on this.

Clever. Do it again.

I'm terribly sorry, Captain...

sir... dear. I mean...

It's not my day.

♪ Reason I must live ♪

♪ Only for you ♪

And this is it.

- North Africa tomorrow.

- Yes.

Maybe I'll get my name on

the shortlist for a harem.

You're not still worrying

about romance, are you?

Frankly, I'm past worrying.

Too tired, for one thing.

- Let's go to bed?

- Ok.

Want to be fresh for

North Africa tomorrow.

Yes.

But will North Africa

be fresh for us?

Ah, perfect.

Just right for some soft

serenading outside her cabin.

Here we go.

Much better. I'll do it here.

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Please come to me ♪

♪ How can words explain to you ♪

♪ The love I try to give? ♪

♪ You're the sun, the

wind, the rain ♪

♪ The reason I must live ♪

♪ Only for you ♪

♪ Oh, please love me too ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful Flo ♪

♪ I need you so ♪

♪ Please let's have a ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful Flo ♪

♪ My beautiful Flo ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

I'm wasting time.

North Africa at last. I thought

we'd never get here. Shop.

Sam, old chap, what have I been

drinking for the

last couple of days?

Well, you asked for something

characteristically Arabic,

sir, and this is it.

Drunk by everybody

round these parts and

distilled on the

banks of the Nile.

Cook?

He must be dreadfully

ill. I wouldn't think

he'd that much stomach

to gurgle with.

You get the Doctor,

I'll see what's wrong.

Yes, sir.

Here, cop this for a

souvenir, Captain?

- What are you trying to do?

- Do you mind?

It's much better than

filter tips. You

can hardly taste the smoke at all.

I'm not surprised. You're

not supposed to blow it.

- What, then?

- Suck it and see.

Urgh. No, much better

the other way.

I beg your pardon?

Perhaps it's a sheikh you seek.

I'm not shaken, sheikh.

Oh.

- Madam.

- Thank you very much.

Oh, show me.

All we need here is a couple

of sheikhs and a camel.

Thank you.

- Flo.

- What, dear?

- We're on our way home.

- I know.

Pity, isn't it? Just getting

warmed up to this cruise lark.

Thank you.

- You don't hold it against me?

- Hold what, dear?

- Not finding a husband.

- Oh, that.

Your idea was ok, lovey. It was

me that put the mockers on it.

Anyway, I've forgotten

all about men for a

while. They are completely

out of my mind.

Ooh. Dear. Shall have to

take it to the Doctor now.

- Cleaner, I mean.

- Oh, yes?

Gentlemen,

every since you joined me,

there are times when I wished that

I was running a holiday camp.

Because in that kind

of establishment,

I could at least

occasionally escape from

you lot, by walking

out of the gate.

Here, I can only jump overboard.

And, believe me, there are

times when I felt like it.

But not now, gentlemen.

Praise where praise is due.

Praise? For us, sir?

Surprised? That's exactly how

praise should strike you.

Ever since our last

meeting, you've all stopped

trying to impress me and

got on with your jobs.

Result? You have impressed me.

- I have impressed you, sir?

- Certainly.

When you played table

tennis with that

mad pixie, the er...

lonely little lady.

Of course, you did

muck it up a bit.

That's the spirit,

you see. Concern

about the passengers' happiness.

And you, Turner. Don't

think I didn't notice

you gave up your

shore leave to serve

a gentleman. That's

also the spirit.

But, Captain, how can I possibly

have merited your praise?

I've had nothing to do.

Ah, you, Dr Binn, you have

achieved self-effacement.

- Oh? I felt no pain, sir.

- You will in a minute.

On a cruise, the

passengers don't want the

doctor giving everybody

the undertaker's look.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you did the right thing.

You kept yourself to yourself.

Sir, that's just because I'm...

- Go on, go on.

- Shut up.

- What did I do, then?

- The lady in cabin 73.

It's a lie.

Don't be so modest,

Haines. I know all

about that diet you

fixed up for her.

And you've been cooking

her meals yourself.

Oh, that.

Oh, you mean Fanny Fusspot, the

calorie queen. Oh,

it was no trouble.

Stimulating, playing

with her proteins.

Yes. Well, none of

this means, of course,

that I can possibly consider

any of you for the new liner.

But you just continue

going on as you have been

and I might recommend you to my

successor at the Happy Wanderer.

Thank you, gentlemen, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

Aye aye, sir.

He's a fine man.

Oh, he's very fair,

I think, don't you?

Crisp on top, soft underneath.

A regular meringue.

Yeah. Best boss I ever

worked for, on land or sea.

I wish I could think of

something to do for him.

Don't do that. I'm all

of a quiver as it is.

I can do something

for him. Excuse me.

Let's think of something to

do to show our appreciation.

It wouldn't be like sucking up.

He did tell us we didn't stand an

earthly of getting on that liner.

- But he did give us praise.

- Where it was due.

Fine man.

Oh, he's a regular...

cream bun, was it?

- Meringue.

- That's right, meringue bun.

I wish we could do

something for him.

It'll have to be quick,

there's only two days left.

- Mr Marjoribanks.

- Yes, miss?

Where can we be alone?

Quick, there's only two days left.

For what?

- Come on.

- Here. No.

That's better. Nobody

can hear us here.

Why shouldn't they hear us, miss?

What I have to tell you

is rather delicate.

Oh. Well, naturally, if I

can help you in any way...

Well, the plain fact is,

my friend's in love.

Oh, how nice.

Well, it isn't. You see, she

doesn't really know she's in love.

But I know, and I want

to help her by getting

the man in question

to approach her.

- And how do I come into all this?

- You know him very well.

I do? I do?

Me? I can't believe it.

Well, that's life. That's love.

Women fall for the most

unlikely creatures.

Thank you very much.

To me, her choice is inexplicable.

Charming.

But there's no accounting

for taste, is there?

I appreciate your apprising

me of Miss Castle's feelings,

but I can do without

your expressions

of incredulity concerning them.

Why shouldn't Miss Castle fall

desperately in love with me?

- Did she tell you that?

- No, you did.

I did?

If you didn't, who have

we been discussing?

- Dr Binn.

- Dr B...

Dr Binn?

She's in love with him?

Didn't I just say that?

Oh, well, yes, in a

round about way.

We must think up some ruse, some

stratagem, whereby they

can come together.

I've got it.

Oh, you haven't, Mr Marjoribanks?

- You'll have to work it...

- Yes.

Surely we can think of something

nice to do for the Captain.

I know. I've got it. How about a

nice clock with a

brass plate on it?

We can't do that.

He's not retiring.

Anyway, where would you get a

clock in the middle of the ocean?

- Ship shop.

- Say that again.

Ship shop.

When we get back, you

want to see a dentist.

Oh, ta.

Well, here goes. All for Flo.

Doctor.

Don't worry.

No harm done. Thank goodness.

It is you.

Oh, it was you.

- What was me?

- I saw you.

I had to lean on the

rail for support.

Pardon?

I could feel your eyes

burning into my back.

Ooh. That... That scorching look.

It was like sunstroke.

And then I turned, saw you again,

and that was it, I went.

Where did you go?

Into a dead faint. Didn't you see?

Oh, yes, of course.

Very distressing.

And how long have you been

suffering these attacks?

Since I first saw you.

Come on, let's leave me

out of it, shall we?

I can't.

You are it.

You are all.

You're the germ. The

symptom. The sickness.

And the cure.

Oh, Doctor.

I'm afraid you must be a

little overwrought, miss.

No, I'm not, I'm underprivileged.

I'm afraid I-l don't

really follow you.

- Doctor...

- Mm?

You are aware of me, aren't you?

Very difficult to ignore you.

How do you find me?

I just look straight

ahead and there you are.

- Do I repel you?

- No, no, of course you don't, no.

Then all the rest

will come in time.

Of course it will.

What do you mean?

This.

Gladys Trimble, how do you do?

Arthur Do. How you Binn? I

mean Binn, how do you do?

- I confuse you.

- Yes, you don't.

I mean, do.

You didn't sound confused when

you sang to me the other night.

What? I Sa...

- I sang to you?

- Who else?

Well, I...

Come, come, Doctor.

It must have been me.

Look, I was not serenading you.

I say. I seem to have made

the most dreadful mistake.

Yes, I'm afraid you have.

I was only trying to help

you over your shyness.

I'm not shy.

- Prove it. Prove you're not shy.

- How?

I don't know. Do something.

Yes. All right. I will.

Where is she?

- Cigarette?

- No, thank you.

- Do you mind if I do?

- No, go ahead.

I must say, I enjoy these cruises.

Excuse me.

- Yes. Ah, yes. I thought so.

- Huh?

You're going a bit

blotchy around here.

Really?

I noticed this coming

on over the past few

days. It's probably

highly infectious.

It's just the change of food,

the change of climate.

Nothing to worry about,

of course. You'll live.

Providing I give you instant

treatment, of course.

Would you mind popping down to the

treatment cabin? And

don't touch anybody.

- May I...?

- What about that young man?

Oh, don't worry about him. Let

him get another deck chair.

- That young man, is he ill?

- No, no.

- Then why are you...

- Preventive medicine.

- I don't understand.

- You will, if you listen.

I'm not interested in preventive

medicine. What is this?

I have something to declare.

Well, wait till we get to Customs.

Now listen, please. I'm

not like that. I'm pure.

Pure what?

There's not many like

me left, you know.

I'm glad to hear it.

Please, if we're going

to spend the rest of our

lives together, you must

learn not to interrupt.

The rest of our lives?

Yes. For better or for worse.

And so on and so forth.

You mean marriage?

Of course. I know of no

respectable alternative.

You've got a nerve.

I've got several of them.

They're all functioning normally.

Do you realise what you've said?

I should do. It's

pounded in my brain

often enough, asleep and awake.

In the drowsy fantasy moment

of every lonely dawn...

Well, come on, what's your answer?

You've taken my breath away.

Oh, I'm terribly

sorry. Would you mind

standing up? Thank you.

Breathe in deeply.

Out again, please.

Thank you. In...

Try a bit further. Out. Thank you.

Marvellous. You'll feel

better in a moment.

I feel dizzy.

Oh. Sit down.

It's just the... sudden

realisation, you

see, of the fact that...

that I love you.

Do you?

Yes. Oh. Haven't I said so?

Not in so many words.

- Shall I?

- Yes, please.

All right.

I love you.

Ha-ha. What about that, then?

- And how about you?

- How about me?

Do you think that you

could come to love me?

Well, I...

I suppose I could do worse.

Ooh. Coo.

Ha-ha.

- Turned out nice again.

- Has it?

Mr Haines. Mr Haines.

Where is the idiot?

- Mr...

- Here.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Do you know what day it is today?

I'm not daft, it's Thursday.

- It's providential.

- No, it's Thursday.

No, listen. Exactly 10

years ago to this day,

Captain Crowther took command

of the Happy Wanderer.

I only found it out by accident. I

looked it up in an old log book.

- I'm not with you.

- Yes, you are.

Have you got some private little

place where you could make a cake?

- A cake?

- A cake.

- An anniversary cake?

- An anniversary cake.

Of course. I knew I'd

think of something.

You knew you'd think of...

Yes, all right. Well,

to work, then.

And remember, the utmost secrecy.

No one'll see me handle

as much as a nut.

The success of this

operation will depend

entirely on your

culinary expertise.

I don't know about

that. But I can cook.

We understand each

other. With some

difficulty, but we do

understand each other.

Till tonight.

Tonight. With a cake

to stagger humanity.

Thank you.

We're arranging a party

especially for the Captain.

- A party?

- Ssh.

Please, it's supposed

to be a secret.

What if the Captain should hear?

You shouldn't have told me. I get

so excited, I can't keep secrets.

What a lovely idea. So

thoughtful and tender.

Just the sort of thing that makes

me feel... really... happy.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Miss Madderley, pull yourself

together. It's only

a little party.

Ssh, ssh. Don't say

that. It's a secret.

Suppose the Captain...

Oh, the Captain.

The dear, devoted Captain.

Hello, hello. What is afoot?

That peculiar shaped thing

on the end of your leg.

Keep taking the tablets.

Excuse me.

Miss Madderley.

- What's wrong?

- You are. Er... nothing.

Hello. Goodbye.

Handmade. Nothing like it.

Mm... Well made...

but not yet created.

This needs the Haines touch.

We don't need that, I don't think.

Here we go.

Española sherry.

Gracia...

Blimey.

Smells like a Babylonian

boozer's bedroom. Phwoar.

Can't have put too much sherry in.

It's not like me at all.

Well, we'll soon see.

Too much sherry in.

Now what? Counteraction.

Yes. Cream. Of course.

Only glorious Devon

cream can save the day.

Glorious Dev...

What an idea.

An international cake.

Just the thing for a

mariner's anniversary.

And apart from that,

a good turmoil of

ingredients will

give it flavouring.

Yes. Flavouring.

Ha-ha.

Right, we'll start with the grated

coconut from the South Seas.

Grated coconut.

And then... Bombay duck,

all the way from Bombay.

A little bit of Bombay

duck. Thank you very much.

And Chinese chop suey. Chinese

chop... Chinese chop suey.

And a little Californian prunes.

Yes.

Last but not least,

viva spaghetti.

Viva voce per la tomato?

No wonder they say "Mr

Haines takes-a pains."

- Who?

- Me.

- You?

- Aye.

Come.

Haines. I'm thrilled.

Haines, I'm engaged.

No need to ask how you're

getting on, Mr Haines.

Or him. Congratulations.

Here, I hope you'll allow me to

cook the cake for your wedding.

What? Not if it's got

spaghetti in it.

Or chop suey.

- Hey. Or bicarbonate of soda.

- And why not?

My dear Wilfred.

You don't mean that all that stuff

is in the cake you're now baking?

I repeat, why not?

- It's incredible.

- It's inedible.

Out of my kitchen. Do I

tell you how to doctor?

Do I tell you how to run the ship?

Do I tell you how to get engaged?

Well, then don't

tell me how to cook.

You wait. You'll eat

it. Then you'll see.

This is an historic moment

for English cooking.

England expects this day

every man to have a nibble.

Sir. Sir. There's something

going on in the bar.

There usually is.

- Will you come at once, sir?

- What's the matter?

If it's anything medical,

you can deal with it.

If it's anything else,

I've got a staff...

Come quickly, sir. Only

you can deal with it.

Well, what is it?

Would you come with

me, sir, please?

All right. All right.

Mr Marjoribanks, sir.

For the Captain.

An Aberdeen Angus.

You clever boy.

That's right, sir. I cabled

Angus for the recipe.

Initiative.

12 days late, but initiative.

The cake, sir.

How beautiful. Looks

almost too good to eat.

Doesn't it?

Oh, yes. It's much

too good to eat.

Thank you, Haines.

It's great.

It reminds me of

everywhere I've ever been.

Including Port Said.

Thank you.

- Speech. Speech.

- Speech.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you very much

for this very gratifying

party. You seem...

Spaghetti?

You seem to like

travelling with me and I

certainly like travelling

with you. I'm afraid...

Prunes?

I'm afraid that this

speech really isn't very

much in response to your

generosity, but I...

Chop suey?

But there isn't

anything else I can

say except... thank you very much.

Well said.

Ssh. Quiet, everyone.

It's my turn.

Ladies and... gentlemen,

Captain,

on behalf of all us

happy... wanderers...

and crikey, I've done some happy

wandering on this

ship in my time...

jolly good luck,

and may we all have

the pleasure of

sailing with you for

many years to come.

- My condolences, sir.

- What for?

It appears you didn't get command

of the transatlantic run.

I did. But I don't want it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

I'm not very good at making

speeches, as you've already heard.

Hear hear, sir.

But I do know the

difference between just

ferrying passengers

and running a cruise.

There's a good feeling

about looking after

people who are out

to enjoy themselves.

After all, when we're

on a trip like

this, we're all in the same boat.

So what else can I do

but carry on cruising?

Any questions?

Oh, yes, sir. Will you marry me?

Oh, no. I didn't mean...

I mean us, sir.

- Oh, her. Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Congratulations.

Turner. Champagne.

- Doctor. Doctor.

- Haines. What is it?

- Seasick.

- What did that?

- The Captain's cake.

- Was it the chop suey?

The Bombay duck?

I know how you feel. I'll

give you an injection.

No, please. Not again.

I'll get you one of those

special tablets. Wait there.

Carry On Cruising (1962) - full transcript

Extract Subtitles From Media