Carry On Cruising (1962) - full transcript

Captain Crowther's lot is not a happy one! Five of his crew have to be replaced and at such short notice before the voyage begins there isn't much to choose from. Not only does he get the five most incompetent shipmates ever to sail the seven seas, but the passengers turn out to be a rather strange bunch too. The SS Happy Wanderer will never be the same. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Well, gentlemen, here we are just

about to set sail
on another cruise.

For ten years we've run
this ship together,

steadily increasing our reputation
as the most efficient crew afloat.

Together, that's the word.

We know each other.

Ten solid years of
mutual knowledge, and

that in itself makes
for efficiency.

And enables me, as I look
at all your familiar

faces, to come to the
point and say...

- Who are you?
- Your First Officer, sir.

You're not. Foxton is. What's
happened to Foxton? Is he ill?

- What's he got?
- Eight draws, sir.

I should be so sick.

I'm your emergency
replacement, sir.


On transfer from the Wrens?

They told me you
were a pretty wit,

sir. It's pronounced Marchbanks.

At your service, sir.

What are you laughing at?


- Who are you?
- Marjori... The ship's doctor.

- Impossible.
- It's not impossible at all.

I have certificates to
prove it. Have I not?

- I'm certified, I am.
- You look it.

- Thank you.
- A wit. They were right.

- Shut up.
- Sir.

- Binn?
- No, that's the trouble.

Well, I haven't been
regular, lately, you see.

So, therefore, I prescribed myself
a sea voyage and the exercise.

That's why I'm here, actually.

- Say "sir".
- You say "ah".

Good gracious me. I do not like
that green fleck in the eye.

Never mind about his eye.
Where have you sprung from?

Oh, er... Consolidated Marmalade.

I was the factory's
Medical Officer, you see.

- Where's Dr Jepson?
- Consolidated Marmalade.

This eye? Is it this
eye? Are you sure?

Yes, that's the one.

You see this here, sir?
Green as grass in there.

Too much chlorophyll
in the toothpaste.

Watch it.

- Sir.
- It's all very unsettling, this.

All these changes
made behind my back.


- My back. My back.
- Probably overdoing it?

- I'll massage your clavicles.
- You will not.

Now, where was I?

You were getting
to the point, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, if this voyage
turns out to be

as successful as all the others,

don't be surprised if, after our
return, I ask each of you to...

Excuse me. Could you
direct me to the kitchen?

I'm new, you see.
Sorry to interrupt

you, but I've been
all over the boat.

- Ship.
- Who cares, as long as it floats?

I've been down the sharp
end and the blunt end,

and I've been down as far
as it's possible to go.

But I keep on finishing up
ankle-deep in mucky water.

- Bilge.
- Ooh. No need to be rude.

- Who are you?
- Well, make a wild guess.

Wilfred Haines, Captain.
You'll find me on the list.

What happened to our
regular ship's cook?

Perhaps he got fed up.

- Fed up. That's good.
- Belt up.

- What's your story?
- I'm the son of a sea cook.

The original one, to look at you.

Thank you.

No, I've always
wanted to go to sea.

Thought I'd follow my father's
wake, as it were. See?

All I want to see is
that this crew finishes

up the most efficient
that we've ever had.

If it is, when we return,
I expect to be given

command of the company's
new Atlantic liner.

Which means I will
have to select my own

crew, and that could
be you. All of you.

- All right, dismissed.
- Oh, good.

Except you, you and you.

Now, then. I am going to be blunt

and make some very
cutting remarks.

On the face of it, that's
a contradiction in

terms. But English is a
very curious language.

If you interrupt me
once more, Mr... Mr...

Marjoribanks, sir.

Thank you. If you interrupt
me once more, mate,

you'll hear some really
curious language.

Now, then. I have
slugged my way up

from nothing to get
where I am today.

But there are some copper-bottomed
gentlemen on the board

who still think it's
dead wrong for an

H-dropper like me to
be a ship's captain.

And they would scuttle me
if they had half a chance.

And that is why I have
built this whole crew

round me, so they
don't get the chance.

That is also why I get nervous
when I see new faces.

Your faces are new.
So I'm nervous.

To me, you look like
disaster on six legs.

Prove I'm wrong. That's all I ask.

- Clear?
- As day.

- As an X-ray.
- As soup.

- Who are you?
- Me, sir? Turner, sir.

- Turner?
- Turner, sir.

- What are you doing here?
- Head barman, sir.

You can't be head barman.
Angus is my head barman.

- Not any more, sir.
- Not any more?

They can't do this
to me. Changing the

barman? It's like
ripping out the engine.

What has happened to
Angus? Don't tell me

he got married and
swore off the booze?

- How did you guess, sir?
- Oh, no. Not Angus.

He's the only one... Do you know
how to mix my favourite drink?

- What's that, sir?
- The Aberdeen Angus.

No, but you've only
got to tell me...

But I can't tell you.

Only Angus knows it. Didn't
he tell you the secret?

Didn't he give you
the recipe for the

drink that's got a
kick like a steer?


The whole cruise...
without an Aberdeen Angus

kicking about inside
me. I'll go barmy.

Hello, hello. Well, this
ain't the kitchen, is it?

I should say not. It's the
Captain's night cabin.

Oh. Cosy.

Distinctly cosy, yes.

Er... Do you know
where the kitchen is?

Afraid not, sir. I'm a
stranger round here myself.

Another new face? Poor
fella. You'll cop the lot.

♪ Tiddly-pom-pom

Oh. Morning, sir.

Don't tell me. You're
my new steward?

Lovell has broken his leg?

You've only done three trips.

All from Tower Bridge to Margate.

You're dead right,
sir. How did you know?

I'm psychic.

- Tom Tree, right?
- That's right, sir.

Branches everywhere.

I twig.

We're moving.

- Oh, Glad.
- Oh, Flo. We're moving.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Who are we waving to?
- I don't know.

- Oh, Flo.
- Oh, Glad.

- Let's go up the other end.
- Right. Oh.

Sorry, ladies. I didn't
look where you were going.

Do you think he drives the boat?

He looked more like the conductor.

- Ooh.
- There, ma'am. Is that better?

Yes, thank you. What
is it I'm standing on?

A bollard.

Oh. Fancy.

- Hey. Are we moving?
- That's right, chief.

Yeah, you know I
thought I felt so...

Here, is something up, chief?
Surely you're not seasick?

But, chief, we've
hardly left shore.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah. Now that looks very comfy.

Yes, just the sort of thing
I need for the exercise.

Right. Never too early to start.


Help. Help. Doctor.
I want a doctor.

I could use one myself.

What's the trouble?

- Seasick?
- Terrible.

- You don't look seasick.
- Well, I'm not up here.

- Where are you seasick?
- Down below.

- What do you mean?
- Out of sight of sea and sky.

Doctor, could you look at
my green eye? I'm worried.

- No, don't. Please.
- Don't be silly.

Don't shut the door. As long as I
can see the sea, I'm all right.

It's only when I go down below
my tummy starts doing the twist.

For Mrs Beeton's
sake, please help.

Marjoribanks, shut
the door, will you?

- No. No.
- Be quiet, you gastronomic goon.

Do you want the whole ship
to know you're seasick?

Doctor, you must do something.
I mean, what a start,

if the cook can't cook cos
the quack can't cure him.

I'll cure him or kill him. Ooh.

All right, come here.

No, let me see the sea, please.

All right, have a look
at the sea, then.

- I hesitate to interfere...
- Go on hesitating.

I was going to suggest a
traditional cure for mal de mer.

I don't happen to
be treating a mare.

Excuse me.

- Here, cooky.
- Thanks, cocky. I mean docky.

That'll soothe your nerves.

Water, nurse. I mean Marjoribanks.

Was that the kill or the cure?

This happens to be the
first of three stages.

Three stages?

I'm all right now. Ooph.

These tablets will
counteract the somnolent

effect of the mixture
and give you energy.

Now er... just a little
shot er... to...

increase the value
of both treatments.

- Roll up the sleeves.
- No, thanks.

I can't bear to see
the needle going in.

Oh. Well, there's only one other
place available. Drop 'em.

I'm not holding 'em,
whatever they are.

I rather fancy the Doctor
means your trousers.

Oh, my trousers... My what? Never.

If you want promotion
to this new liner...

Say no more.


What's the matter,
Steward, not feeling well?

Oh, no, sir. No, I'm all
right. It's just, well...

I'm new to this sort of thing and

er... I'm afraid of
making a mistake.

Well, you don't want to be afraid.

All you need to be a good steward
is tact. I'll give you an example.

A steward I knew walked in on
a lady standing in her bath.

Took one look at her, he said,
"Excuse me, sir" and left.

Tact, see?

Hey, that's dead clever, innit?

I'll remember that.

- Thank you, sir.
- Right, go on, then.

Hello, hello. And which of
you two fellas takes sugar?

Get out.

Morning. Hope you slept well.


Quite an energetic game, what?


Ooh. Ooh, my knee.

Bye. See you again.


- That's it, Flo, you've clicked.
- With that? Thank you.

Oh, don't be like that. I
think he's rather nice.

Then you have him.

I'm on this cruise to
get a rest from men.



Oh, no, really, I think you
ought to give him a chance.

He seems kind of... helpless.

Helplessness is the last
thing I am looking for.

Mad, impulsive fool.

- Er... working on the omelette?
- Something wrong, chief?

Oh, no, no, no. I've
never seen eggs

cracked more
conscientiously. Or slowly.

Speed, man. Speed is the
essence. Do it the Haines way.

Lift... and drop.

Now you just strain
through with a sieve.

Get me the First Officer.

Come in.

- What delayed you?
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Overslept, Mr er... Mr er...

Sea air, sir. I
always find the first

few days makes me
feel quite drowsy.

Shut your porthole.

Begging your pardon,
sir, one must have...

And your cakehole. Stop fidgeting.

Paperwork. Not my
favourite occupation.

Nor mine.

- It's going to be, from now on.
- Oh, charming.

Health report, doc
report, crew report,

food report, log
report, sports report,

diesel, oil and fuel report.

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

- Omelettes all prepared, chief.
- Excellent.

That was a timesaver. In a
matter of minutes, 1200 eggs.

1200 e...

You should have seen
'em sliding through

the sieve, slurp, slurp, slurp.

- Slurp.
- What can I do now, chief?

Out of my way.
They're wearing off.

My pills. They're wearing off.

Heels together. Hands
extended above the head.

And... bend.


And lower. Heels
together. Hips firm.

Doctor. Doctor. Doc...

The mixture. Where...


That's better.

The pills.


Different colour. Same shape.

One... two...

It's all right, I
left it in the cabin.



I saw him first.

I thought you wanted
a rest from men.

In his case, I'll
make an exception.

You promised you'd help me
find a husband on this cruise.

From now on, my motto
is: help yourself.

You could do the same.

Dr Binn's obviously
interested in you.


That's all for today,
girls. Dismissed.

I will follow my heart,
Florence Castle.

Then this is war, Gladys Trimble.

- Right.
- Right.

Excuse me, ladies.

I shall be taking coffee
alone, Miss Castle.

I do not say I hope
it chokes you, Miss

Trimble, I merely gloat
over the possibility.

Ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

We meet again, what?

Would you like to er... poop
up on the pop deck with me?

Doctor, do me a favour.
Operate somewhere else.

- How many have you taken?
- Three.

- Three?
- Yeah, why not?

They're my last-resort pills. For
bringing people out of a coma.

Yeah, well, I wish I could
come to a full stop.

I'll have to give
you an injection.

Not again.

Come back.


Well? What's this
conference all about, then?

Now, gentlemen, to this
captain, we are new faces.

And as such, our every
word, our every action,

is subject to
infinitesimal scrutiny.

He means the Captain's
got his beady eye on us.

- Oh, yes.
- Precisely.

Now, gentlemen, I
take it we all yearn

to serve on this new
Atlantic liner?

- Oh, yes. Of course.
- Good. Good.

The mind of the Captain
works in a strange way.

Let one newcomer make an error,
or commit an indiscretion, or...

Drop a clanger, lads.

And all newcomers are
tarred with the same brush.

And prejudiced this may be,
but fact it undoubtedly is.

Have I your agreement

for a policy of unremitting

organisational perfectionism?

He means fingers out.

So, heave-to, gentlemen.

Our first major opportunity
to impress is now. Tonight.

- Good evening, Captain.
- Hello, Miss Castle.

- Enjoying yourself?
- Yes, thank you.

Ah, Mr Jenkins, I'd like
you to meet Mrs Lewis.

Hello, Miss Castle.

Good evening, Miss Trimble.
Enjoying yourself?

Very much, thank you.

- He's over there.
- Thank you.

Have one with me, old
chap. It's all free.

Yeah. I think I could do with it.

- Love?
- Yeah.

- Well, how did you know?
- That's why I drink.

To forget her.

- Forget who?
- Blessed if I can remember.

Good evening.

- Miss Madderley, good evening.
- Good evening.

Good evening, Miss er...

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

What's my steward
doing serving here?

Begged for permission to lend
a volunteering hand, sir.

Anything to help the smooth
running of the ship.

- Good for him.
- Isn't it, sir?

All we newcomers feel
the same way, sir.

Just keep your beady...
your eyes on us.

I will.

Fine conditions in the
Atlantic tonight, I hear, sir.

Well, that's great. We don't
happen to be on the Atlantic.

Just thought I'd
let you know, sir.

Thank you.

Must circulate. The
social touch, you know.

May I have the next dance?

I didn't know this was a dance.

Oh er... Ooh.

No, it isn't, is it?

But every time I look
at you I hear music.

Every time I look at
you I think of music.

- Do you?
- Mm.

- Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.
- Oh, wait.

Yes, the tropical
night sky always...


Captain. Don't panic.
Keep quite calm. Captain.

Water. Water. Ah. Here's water.

Captain. Cap...

Doctor. Where's the Doctor?
Doctor. Doctor. Ooh.

Very nice.

Come on. Everything
will be all right.

Come along, now. I'll soon have
you on the table. That's right.

This way.

Come on, Captain. You'll
soon be all right.

Now keep taking the tablets.

Thank you, doc.


During the war, I did
Arctic runs that would have

made HMS Ulysses look
like a trip to Brighton.

Without getting a scratch.

Two days on a simple cruise
with you lot, and look at me.

Come in.

Good morning, sir. Some coffee to
soothe your nerves, calm you down.

There, there. I always say
worse things happen at sea.

We are at sea, you landlocked nit.

Well, you'd never know it. These
stabilisers are marvellous.

You're late.

Sorry, sir. A lot of
work to clear up.

What with his face
and his wrist and

your nut... erm... your head, sir.

Well, well, well, how
are we all feeling now?

Shut up.

I usually penalise defaulters
by stopping 'em a day's pay.

If I did that with you, you'd
owe the company money.

So I'll have to be content
with a few words.

You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

Oh, sir, you got my
name right, at last.

I'm in the mood for
using the right words.

You, Marjoribanks, are a...

I tell you, my ears are burning.

I shouldn't wonder. Someone's
been talking about you.

Do you think he's ever
studied medicine?

I wouldn't think so, no. Why?

In describing us,
he employed a great

deal of physiological terminology.

Well, he was medically incorrect
in what he called you. Come on.

On the toes... and bend.

And... stretch. And... lower.

Well done, ladies. Keep it up.

I'll try.

That's all for today,
ladies. Dismissed.

Come on in, miss.

I don't want to intrude.

You won't, if you join
one of my PT groups.

Well, I was thinking
more of your...

individual attention.

You must be very advanced.

Well, you know.

No, really, are you? It'd be
such a kick for me if you are.

Most of these people
haven't a clue.

Want to make up for
50 weeks' lack of

exercise with two weeks'
puffing and blowing.

Well, I...

Yes, I suppose I am
a bit of a body-builder.

Have you got a gym at your office?

Why bring him up? Oh, gym.

Yes. Oh, yes. It's a
very progressive firm.

They provide everything
for us girls.

We've got a gymnasium, rest
rooms, midget bowling alley...

Terrible typewriters, though.

Marvellous. I'm all for the modern
girl taking care of her body.

Provided it's not
carried to extremes?

Well er... let's see
what you can do.

Right. After you.

Look, Mum, no hands.

Just to warm up. Come
on. Over you go.

Who moved the ship?

- What about the bars now?
- Oh, I'd love a drink.

That should really loosen you up.

- You reckon?
- Come on. Over you go.

- Fabulous.
- Argh.

- Are you all right?
- Nearly burnt my boats there.

- Well, what's next?
- No, you show me.

You're an expert on rope
work. It's my weakest point.

Mine too. My one failing. I've
a terrible head for heights.

But... you were just up there.

Me? Me up there?

Oh, blimey.

Miss Castle. It's
Miss Castle. What

have you been doing
to Miss Castle?

We were exercising together. I had
no idea she wasn't used to it.

Well, luckily for you, I'm used
to an emergency and you're not.

Would you mind leaving me
with my patient, please?

All right.

For what I'm thinking,
I could be struck off.

Breathing very well.

In... out. In... out.

In... Oh, stop it, Arthur
Binn. Be professional.

The pulse. Of course, the pulse.


I'm fingers and thumbs today.

Oh, dear.

Well, I'll go straight to
the heart of the matter.


Argh. Oh. Ah.

Wait. Madam.

I must have a witness. The BMA
will never believe this. Argh.

- What are you doing?
- I was just resuscitating you.


- Look, you don't understand.
- Don't I?

- It was just a doctor's dilemma.
- I was on the ceiling.

What am I doing here? Let go.

The ceiling. Delirious.

Well, get back on
the ceiling if you

want to. There's a nice ceiling.

A special ceiling you
can lie down on.

He's bonkers.

- That is a nice ceiling, yes.
- Oh, it's a beautiful ceiling.

Get on it like a good
girl. It's quite

safe, you won't fall off. You see?

Come on, then.

Now, you relax and
tell me all about it.

Yes, I might just
as well get it all

straight. I was just
checking on your heart.

I had my head here like that.
Then your arm came up like that.

Then the other one
came up like that.

He's at it again.

- We'll visit Dr Binn next.
- Yes, sir.

You kept squeezing and wouldn't
let go. And suddenly, down we...

It's... not a good moment
for your inspection,

sir. The Doctor is
treating a lady.

What's he treating her to?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Do you know Miss Castle, Captain?

Not as well as you do, Doctor.

Good morning, sir.
One for the road?

What road?

Everybody's going ashore,
sir. This is sunny Spain.

So that's why they're charging
around like a load of bulls.

Bullfights, flamencos,
ladies, olé.

Oh, lay off.

Surely, sir, you're
not stopping here?

Why not?

Spain's got nothing
for me that I can't

get right here. Open the sherry.

Now, let's try it again.


Oh, my eye.


Very good. If it
were full of snuff.

It's made wrong.

You're doing it wrong.
Let me do it on you.

You've done it on me already,
bringing me on this cruise.

First port done, not a glimmer
of a husband in sight.


- Shove your head back.
- Glad.

Oh, keep still. I nearly
shampooed you with it.

Get on with it.

Open your mouth.

Glad, you are awful.

Girls. Girls. Olé. Olé. Oh.

- Olé, señor.
- Oh, hello, Binn.

No, señor, I am the famous
toreador from Madrid.

You look exactly like our
Medical Officer, Dr Binn.

Well, señor, this afternoon
I fight 15 bulls.

That's an awful lot of bull.

Well, my father, he breeds the
famous fighting bulls, you know.

Every year, 50,000 bulls he sends
off by ship to South America.

50,000 bulls?

Yes-yes. And also, every year,

20,000 more he ships
off to France.

That's 70,000 bulls.

Yes-yes. He's one of the biggest
bull-shippers in the business. Ha.

Well, watch it, mate. I
am Ferdinand the bull.


Hey. Back, mate. Come on.

Hey. Ah.

Olé. Olé. Olé. Hey-hey.

Olé. Ow.

You. You...

Get out of here.

Yours is the best.


- Excuse me, sir. Very sorry.
- Thank you.

Having a little party
in your cabin, sir?

With one guest. Me.


Turner, the Aberdeen Angus has
a most distinctive aroma.

- Sir?
- A niff all its own.

And that's why you want
to find the recipe?

I like the taste, too.

Now, then. If I mix this
lot in a few different

permutations, by the
law of averages,

sooner or later, I must
stumble across the recipe.

It's not the only thing
you'll stumble on, sir.

Very comical.

Would you like me to help, sir?

No, your place is
with the passengers.


I've just got time to do
a bit of mixing before

the daily officers'
meeting. Here we go.

Gin, mother's ruin.

Some Benedictine,
merriment in a monastery.

Some sherry, toreador's

And one for his nob, créme
de menthe with the hole.

I'd rather not be
disturbed, Marjoribanks.

I can imagine.

Unless it's something
very important.

Oh, no, no, sir. It's nothing.

That's all right, then.
What are you gawping at?

That mixture.

I haven't even started yet.

Now, then. Beaujolais.

With some egg flip. A dash of
bitters. That should do for me.

I don't doubt that for a minute.


- Binn. Binn.
- What is it?

- The Captain.
- Has he fallen in the drink?

The drink's fallen into him. He's

in his cabin
surrounded by bottles.

- It smells like a brewery.
- I knew it. A secret drinker.

He's blatant.

You'll have to take over the...

Ship. I can't. Can't you cure him?

Captain. Oh, Captain.

Hear that? He's incoherent.

- You'll have to take over the...
- Ship.

- Summon the officers.
- What have they done?


Gentlemen. Gentlemen, please.

It's my painful duty to inform you

that Captain Crowther is guilty of
being drunk in charge of a liner.

As to his future, well, obviously

that lies in hands
other than mine.

All I can say for the
moment is that, by the law

of the sea, I hereby take
command of this vessel.

In a climate like this,
this ought to be buried.

Oh, well. One more go.

After the meeting.

That one I should have drunk.

There's very little I can
do at this juncture,

but as soon as
Captain Crowther, or

should I say ex-Captain Crowther,

has drunk himself into a state
of complete insensibility,

I will confine him
to sick quarters

and then I'll do the
best I can to...

salvage what I can from this
sozzled wreck of a man.

Gentlemen. Everybody here?

Right, let's get down to business.

What's the matter with
you, Marjoribanks?


Oh, no. Perhaps not.


Oh. Ooh.

Hello there, madam. It's the first
time we've seen you in here.

Oh, I don't really
drink as a rule.

But I've just been through
such a shocking experience.

Oh? And what do you think
you'd like to get over it?

That. Such an enigmatic label.

Vodka? Neat?

Oh, yes. I do like things tidy.

- Cheers.
- Hooray.

Central heating all to myself.

I'll have some more.

- Are you sure, madam?
- Oh, yes, yes.

Fill her up again, and
two shots of Redex.

- Oh, hello, girls.
- Hello, Miss Madderley.

- Champagne, please.
- Certainly, madam.

Oh, I say, Flo, steady on.
You're not used to champagne.

Nonsense. It's just like
cider with a French accent.

Besides, I can drink anything.
At our office party...

Will you have one, Miss Madderley?

She's just been on vodka.

Ooh, yes. I'm well in
practise. Thank you, my dear.

- Call me Bridget.
- Florence.

No, dear. Bridget.

I'm Florence.

- Oh, yes. Florence.
- I'm Glad.

So am I. Well, now,
that's all sorted out.

- Mud in your eye.
- Really?

Oh, well, never mind. They
say it's good for the skin.

Tame. Tame.

I could put brandy and
brown sugar in it.

That sounds good.

- Skip the brown sugar.
- Good idea.

- That's better.
- Much better.


- Let's have something different.
- Mix it?

Some of us can...
some of us can't.


- I'll buy this one.
- My pal Bridget.

That. Ooh, lovely colour.

- Green chartreuse, madam?
- To match my friend's complexion.

- Doubles.
- Flo.

- Down the hatch.
- Ooh, not likely.

I know a much better place.

- Oh, come on, Flo.
- My round. My round.

Name it, Bridget.

- Flo, dear...
- Two Flo Dears, neat.

I thought you meant
the name of a drink.

Two Flo Dears.


Ooh, lummy.

Flo, dear, do you think I
could possibly have that?

- Whiskey?
- Flo.

Scotland forever.

- It's Irish.
- Up the Irish.

- We'll have both.
- No prejudice.

- Macbeth.
- Macfisheries.

- Begorra.
- And a...

And a shillelagh under your arm.

What a woman.

Come on, Flo. Let's go home now.

What? Swim all the way?

No, I mean give in. Let's leave.

Never. Anything she can
booze, I can booze better.

Who did that? Who did it?

I'll go ten rounds with
anyone in this bar.

Put 'em up.

I'll be back. As soon as I've had
a bit of fresh air, I'll be back.

Line 'em up, Bridget, old
girl, and I'll match

you tit for tat and...
and... tot for tot.

I can walk... you know.

Face to face with Dr Crippen.

Yes, Miss Castle.
Are you all right?

You seem to think so. You asked me
to dance with you a say or do ago.

I've thought it over.

I'd be charmed.

♪ I belong to Glasgow ♪

♪ Dear old Glasgow town ♪

♪ Dee-da-dee-da-dee-da,
a-dee-da-dee-da-dee ♪

♪ Dee-da-dee-da-dee ♪


You're lovely.

How come you haven't
got a better job?

- Miss Castle, please.
- Well, I mean to say.

He's so dis... dis...
so dis... elegant.

And only a bus inspector.

- Madam, this is the Captain.
- And I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Here, you... you... you
get off the buses, mate.

Go to sea.

You've got that naughty
nautical look, you have.


You're just lovely.

There you are.


Ooh... Ooh, the ship's growing.

- Tell the Captain.
- I am the Captain.

And I'm Toulouse-Lautrec.

Anchors aweigh.

- Come on, Flo.
- Lovely.

Wait for me, Bridget.

- Well?
- Well...

None of us can be
blamed for that, sir.

It's just a couple
of ladies having a

tidge too much of
the old duty free.

Yes, that's all it's...

Served by Mr Turner.
One of your quintet.

Marjoribanks... she...
she danced with me.

Well, don't preen yourself, Binn.
She had to be drunk first.

Oh, yes, she di...


I thought so.

- Where are we?
- Italy, sir.

Italy. Ah, it's good to be back.

- Open the chianti.
- Certainly, sir.

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Please come to me ♪

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Na-dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Mm.mmm ♪

♪ Dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Da-dee-dee ♪

Ah. This'll slay 'em in Streatham.

The Captain's on his bridge.

All's right with the world.


What a secure feeling
to be able to sleep

soundly with the
Captain at the helm.

- Glad.
- Oh.

Oh, Flo. What a shock.

To me, too.

Glad, I've just realised.

I'm a woman.

You always were observant.
Now can we get some sleep?

A woman who needs
a man, not a boy.

A mature, responsible,
dominant man.

- Like him.
- The Captain?

Oh, Glad, if only he'd show
some interest in me, I'd...

Aye aye, sir.

Aye aye, aye aye, aye.




Be serious. He's old
enough to be your father.

I need a mature man.
Don't you understand?

Yeah, you've got a dad fad.

Here he is. Oh, if he so
much as looks at me, I'll...

- Let's go back, then.
- Oh, no.

Oh, Flo, for heaven's
sake, don't make

a spectacle of yourself. Come on.

I can't move. In either direction.

My knees have gone.

My heart. My head. I feel awful.

It must be love.

Sounds more like a shallow sleep.

- Morning, ladies.
- Good morning.

What's the matter?
Did I startle you?

No. No, it's quite all right.

I... Excuse me, I
think I'd better go

and have a look at
the propeller shaft.

Why? Are we flying
the rest of the way?

Excuse me.

Glad... Oh, Glad, did you see him?

My eyes weren't shut,
I'm sorry to say.

Don't do that.

Do you mind?

Where are you going?

I thought I'd go off er...
leave you alone... come later.

What's the matter? Have you
got water on the knee?

No. Never mind my knee,
sir, that'll mend.

But you seem worried.
Maybe I can help.

- Mind you, I'm not prying.
- Then don't.

It's just that I do
have a certain capacity

for sorting out other
people's problems.

On my last ship, I
was known as the...

Freud of the Frozen North.

Very well, if you don't
wish to confide in me.

No, no.

They do say two heads
are better than one.

Very true.

- Even if one of them's yours.
- Charming.

Marjoribanks, I'm
going to tell you.

I have just done something
I have never done before.

I made a lady scream.

Very interesting. How?

I said good morning.

Should that have frightened her?

Come on. You look as if
ladies often scream at you.


You must have an
electric sex appeal.

I have not.

- There's another explanation.
- What's that?

- No, I can't say.
- Come on, tell me.

- No.
- Why?

- You'll be cross.
- I will not be cross.

- You promise?
- Of course. Scout's honour.

Why did she scream
when I looked at her?

That's it.

- What's it?
- Your face.

My what?

Scout's honour. You said it.

My face?

Your face, suddenly
zooming up at her...

That's it.

This is terrifying. This
could drive a man to drink.

No. Just don't come upon any
women very suddenly, that's all.

Drink. That's it.
Drink, Marjoribanks.

A little one, if you insist.

No, no, no. Now I know what to do.

- Is Tree outside?
- No, but there's a palm.

- That's the answer.
- You'll give her a palm?

Oh, shut up. Tree.
Tree. Come here, Tree.

- I could never do that.
- Oh, it's easy. Watch.

Miss Castle. The Captain's
compliments. Can

you spare him a few
moments in his day cabin?

- At once?
- Yes, miss. If you could.

- Are you going to have a dive?
- Yes. Head-first into his arms.

Glad, it's the Captain.
He sent for me.

I must have shaken him.

I tell you, Marjoribanks,
I shook her.

I frightened her because I was
rude when she was plastered.

- Poor girl.
- I wish she'd hurry.

I've got to convince
her that the Captain

is everybody's friend,
not a horrible ogre.

Quite so, sir.

Oh, go straight
through, miss. Your

fairy godfather's waiting for you.

Come in.

Ah, Miss Castle. I'm sorry
I interrupted your swim.

What's a swim compared
with the tide of life?

Yes, er... Will you sit down?

You'll forgive me if I'm
very brief, Miss Castle.

To save time, why not call me Flo?

And why not? It's
more friendly, isn't

it? And that's what I
intend to be, Flo.

- More friendly with me?
- Certainly er... Flo.

- What's your first name?
- Er... mine?


- Wellington.
- Mother frightened by a boot?

Well, no. I think they
expected me to be a soldier.

Oh, I'm glad you're not.

Give me a sailor every time.

A man can be more proud of
his craft than his barracks.

Quite. Yes, quite.

It all boils down to
this, Miss Castle. I

don't want you to be
frightened of me.

Oh, how sweet you are.

- Then you do understand?
- Perfectly, Wellington.


- But you're quite wrong.
- I am?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I want to be just that little
bit ever so scared of you.

- What for?
- It's what I need.

A sort of father figure.

Do go on... Dad.

I've forgotten what
I was going to say.

Then let me say it for you.

All right, then.

That look between us, that was
enough, more than enough.

In that flash of time, you saw
my need and I saw the supplier.

- Now wait a minute.
- A pure and perfect transaction

across the shop
counter of existence.

- And yet you're worried.
- You can say that again.

Worried about the difference
in our ages. Well, I'm not.

- You're not?
- No, no, no.

I don't care if you're old, lined,
going grey. I prefer you that way.

Yes, Wellington. I want to do my

packing in the bags
under your eyes.

My dear little Wellington bags.

Miss Fokstle. Er, Castle.
Now look here, Flo.

- You're blushing.
- I'm melting.

It's wonderful. You're so human.

Mature... and yet modest.

Oh, why have I wasted
my time with mere

boys? Wellington,
you... are my Waterloo.

Flo, ebb a little.

We've got to get to
know each other.

- Stand back.
- Oh. Anything you say.

So masterful.

But relent... for a moment.

- Kiss me.
- You naughty girl.

Am I?

Well, if you catch me,
you can spank me.

Who is it?

Marjoribanks, sir.

- Has she gone?
- Yes, sir.

There seemed to be some
crossing of purposes, sir.

I explained to Miss Castle and,

somewhat red-faced,
she's departed.

Well done. Ooh.

Who did you say was
frightened of whom, sir?

Good morning, madam.

I see by your hat
you've been to Mecca.

Your tea, madam.

Why don't you feed the
camel? He looks hungry.


Yes, I will. Certainly.

I'd rather not discuss
the Suez Canal.

Me neither.

Very well. I'd love to
meet your four wives.


Oh, tea.

Hoo-hoo. Or should
I say er... chai?


Come in.

Good morning, sir.
Nice new day, nice new

start. You watch me zip
through the paperwork.

Lie down.

I'm gonna find out
what makes you tick.

Tick, sir?

- Psychologically speaking.
- I don't understand you.

That makes us even, cos
I don't understand you.

You mogadore me.

Inside you, Marjoribanks,
you must be a writhing

mass of complexes, egos,
and all that gear.

A captain has to
understand his men. And

that is why I am gonna
psychoanalyse you.

Freud knew what he
was talking about.

On the other hand,
I'm not a Jung man.

Well, as long as
you're Jung at heart.

What are you talking
about? There you

go again, flying off on a tangent.


Couch, not crouch, you
fool. Get over there.

Terribly sorry.

- Right, now then, talk.
- Talk what?

Anything. That's how they
do this psycho malarkey.

- I feel silly.
- You don't look silly.

- I do.
- You don't.

- I know I do.
- I swear you don't.

What do I look like, then?

Lovely. Languid like a
lily. Come on, talk.

- That's very vivid.
- What is?

That phrase you used,
languid as a lily.

Is it?

Yes. Are you
interested in flowers?

Oh, yes.

- Do you enjoy gardening?
- Very much.

Got a nice garden at home?

The envy of the
Horticultural Society.

- Do you belong to many societies?
- Quite a few.

- Gregarious?
- No, Taurus.

Ooh. Interested in astrology, too.

- Yes, sit down.
- Oh, thanks.

Now, quickly, what does
this make you think of?

- The bull.
- Horns.

- Horns.
- No, hang on a minute.

- Horns of a dilemma, for example?
- How did you know?

Yes. Put your feet up. We
are getting somewhere.

We are not. I'm supposed
to be doing you.

Captain, don't quibble, please.

Horns of a dilemma, that's
it. That's your analysis.

You see everything as a dilemma.

- You see everything as a problem.
- Very true.

Because of your deep-rooted
inferiority complex.

I don't feel inferior.

Of course you don't.
It's all in your UCS.

- My what?
- Your UCS.

- So are you.
- No, UCS, your unconscious.

Look here, Marjoribanks, you are
supposed to be the idiot, not me.

How did I get down here?

It's always a shock when
illusions disperse.

Don't worry. Now you
know your own problems,

you'll get rid of this idea that
everyone's persecuting you.

- I will?
- Yes. Of course.

And forget this fear of new faces.

New faces can be just as efficient

as the old faces,
just as efficient.

Well done, Marjoribanks. You've
made me feel much better.

- I feel much better already.
- That's the spirit.

Highly successful.

- Oh. Morning, Captain.
- Morning, Dr Binn.

- You're a new face, aren't you?
- No, it's the same one, sir.

But you've got to remember,
a new face is just as

efficient as an old one.
Well done. Very good.

Nil return?

I've never known
such healthy people.

- What do you want, an epidemic?
- Of course not.

I just don't know what
to do with myself.

You could help with this.

- I'm too tense.
- Well, relax.

- I can't.
- Run round the deck.

- Right off exercise.
- Well, so lie down.

- I'm too restless.
- Well, read a book.

- I can't concentrate.
- Well, write a book.

Oh, please. You've got to live
before you can write a book.

And no one can say he's
lived until he's loved.

- Well, go out and love someone.
- I do. Her.

- Who her?
- What do you mean, "who her"?

Miss Castle.

- Miss Castle?
- Oh, Miss Castle, yeah.

- Have you told her?
- No, you know me, I'm too shy.

- Here, I could cable her.
- Why not semaphore?

You have to declare
yourself openly.

Otherwise you'll stay
right where you are.

Right up an impasse.

Oh. Oh, I see. You
mean speak to her.


Straight from the shoulder
to the point of dislocation.

Ooh. I'd die if I did that.

It would put you out
of your misery.

You've no sympathy.

Do you expect me to
tell her for you?

- Oh, would you?
- What, am I Cyrano de Bergerac?

Who's he? Would he tell her?
What cabin's he in? What deck?

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. Keep calm.

No, no, please. You've
got me all worked up.

I'm frightfully sorry.

Don't apologise. I'm not angry,
you've done me a good turn.


In this mood of self-realisation,
of merciless self-determination,

- I think I could do it, you know.
- You could?

Yes, I think I could
overcome my timodity.

Your what?

Time... Overcome my
timidity, I mean.

I could. Yes.

I could go right up to
her now and I could...

- Ooh, I could speak to her.
- Bravo.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

I'll be indebted to you
for the rest of my life.

Now is the time.
Think only of now.

- Oh, you're right. Good luck.
- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Ooh.
- Here.



You're always leaving
that thing lying

around. It's worse
than a pair of gloves.

- Why not leave it in the cabin?
- Somebody might have kicked it.

Let's see if it's still working.

It's simple. Of course.
There's nothing to it.

All these years of
shyness. It's ridiculous.

Just go right up to
her and say, "Miss

Castle... I have
something to tell you.

I am a plain, simple
man, Miss Castle.

I have plain, simple feelings,
and I use plain, simple words.

And I simply have to let you know,
plainly, that I... that I...

that I slainly and pimply want...


Point it towards Italy.

Well, which way is that?

I don't know. Wave it about a bit.

♪ Beautiful Marie...

Oh, Flo.

Isn't that romantic?

Just dishy.

Why can't Englishmen
sing to us about love

instead of dragging us
off to rugger matches?

I couldn't resist any man
who'd sing to me like that.

Good day, madam.
Care for a knock-up

while you're waiting
for your partner?

Ooh, I haven't got a...

Well, yes, Officer. Thank you. But
I'm not very good at the game.

Oh, it's quite easy.
Just be careful

not to pong instead of ping.

- Gently to begin?
- If you please.


I'm terribly sorry.
Most unfortunate.

Beginner's luck.

Try your luck on this.

Clever. Do it again.

I'm terribly sorry, Captain...
sir... dear. I mean...

It's not my day.

♪ Reason I must live ♪

♪ Only for you ♪

And this is it.

- North Africa tomorrow.
- Yes.

Maybe I'll get my name on
the shortlist for a harem.

You're not still worrying
about romance, are you?

Frankly, I'm past worrying.

Too tired, for one thing.

- Let's go to bed?
- Ok.

Want to be fresh for
North Africa tomorrow.


But will North Africa
be fresh for us?

Ah, perfect.

Just right for some soft
serenading outside her cabin.

Here we go.

Much better. I'll do it here.

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Beautiful Marie ♪

♪ Please come to me ♪

♪ How can words explain to you ♪

♪ The love I try to give? ♪

♪ You're the sun, the
wind, the rain ♪

♪ The reason I must live ♪

♪ Only for you ♪

♪ Oh, please love me too ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful Flo ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful Flo ♪

♪ I need you so ♪

♪ Please let's have a ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful Flo ♪

♪ My beautiful Flo ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

I'm wasting time.

North Africa at last. I thought
we'd never get here. Shop.

Sam, old chap, what have I been

drinking for the
last couple of days?

Well, you asked for something

characteristically Arabic,
sir, and this is it.

Drunk by everybody
round these parts and

distilled on the
banks of the Nile.


He must be dreadfully
ill. I wouldn't think

he'd that much stomach
to gurgle with.

You get the Doctor,
I'll see what's wrong.

Yes, sir.

Here, cop this for a
souvenir, Captain?

- What are you trying to do?
- Do you mind?

It's much better than
filter tips. You

can hardly taste the smoke at all.

I'm not surprised. You're
not supposed to blow it.

- What, then?
- Suck it and see.

Urgh. No, much better
the other way.

I beg your pardon?

Perhaps it's a sheikh you seek.

I'm not shaken, sheikh.



- Madam.
- Thank you very much.

Oh, show me.

All we need here is a couple
of sheikhs and a camel.

Thank you.

- Flo.
- What, dear?

- We're on our way home.
- I know.

Pity, isn't it? Just getting
warmed up to this cruise lark.

Thank you.

- You don't hold it against me?
- Hold what, dear?

- Not finding a husband.
- Oh, that.

Your idea was ok, lovey. It was
me that put the mockers on it.

Anyway, I've forgotten
all about men for a

while. They are completely
out of my mind.

Ooh. Dear. Shall have to
take it to the Doctor now.

- Cleaner, I mean.
- Oh, yes?


every since you joined me,

there are times when I wished that
I was running a holiday camp.

Because in that kind
of establishment,

I could at least
occasionally escape from

you lot, by walking
out of the gate.

Here, I can only jump overboard.

And, believe me, there are
times when I felt like it.

But not now, gentlemen.

Praise where praise is due.

Praise? For us, sir?

Surprised? That's exactly how
praise should strike you.

Ever since our last
meeting, you've all stopped

trying to impress me and
got on with your jobs.

Result? You have impressed me.

- I have impressed you, sir?
- Certainly.

When you played table
tennis with that

mad pixie, the er...
lonely little lady.

Of course, you did
muck it up a bit.

That's the spirit,
you see. Concern

about the passengers' happiness.

And you, Turner. Don't
think I didn't notice

you gave up your
shore leave to serve

a gentleman. That's
also the spirit.

But, Captain, how can I possibly
have merited your praise?

I've had nothing to do.

Ah, you, Dr Binn, you have
achieved self-effacement.

- Oh? I felt no pain, sir.
- You will in a minute.

On a cruise, the
passengers don't want the

doctor giving everybody
the undertaker's look.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you did the right thing.
You kept yourself to yourself.

Sir, that's just because I'm...

- Go on, go on.
- Shut up.

- What did I do, then?
- The lady in cabin 73.

It's a lie.

Don't be so modest,
Haines. I know all

about that diet you
fixed up for her.

And you've been cooking
her meals yourself.

Oh, that.

Oh, you mean Fanny Fusspot, the

calorie queen. Oh,
it was no trouble.

Stimulating, playing
with her proteins.

Yes. Well, none of
this means, of course,

that I can possibly consider
any of you for the new liner.

But you just continue
going on as you have been

and I might recommend you to my
successor at the Happy Wanderer.

Thank you, gentlemen, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

Aye aye, sir.

He's a fine man.

Oh, he's very fair,
I think, don't you?

Crisp on top, soft underneath.
A regular meringue.

Yeah. Best boss I ever
worked for, on land or sea.

I wish I could think of
something to do for him.

Don't do that. I'm all
of a quiver as it is.

I can do something
for him. Excuse me.

Let's think of something to
do to show our appreciation.

It wouldn't be like sucking up.

He did tell us we didn't stand an
earthly of getting on that liner.

- But he did give us praise.
- Where it was due.

Fine man.

Oh, he's a regular...
cream bun, was it?

- Meringue.
- That's right, meringue bun.

I wish we could do
something for him.

It'll have to be quick,
there's only two days left.

- Mr Marjoribanks.
- Yes, miss?

Where can we be alone?

Quick, there's only two days left.

For what?

- Come on.
- Here. No.

That's better. Nobody
can hear us here.

Why shouldn't they hear us, miss?

What I have to tell you
is rather delicate.

Oh. Well, naturally, if I
can help you in any way...

Well, the plain fact is,
my friend's in love.

Oh, how nice.

Well, it isn't. You see, she
doesn't really know she's in love.

But I know, and I want
to help her by getting

the man in question
to approach her.

- And how do I come into all this?
- You know him very well.

I do? I do?

Me? I can't believe it.

Well, that's life. That's love.

Women fall for the most
unlikely creatures.

Thank you very much.

To me, her choice is inexplicable.


But there's no accounting
for taste, is there?

I appreciate your apprising
me of Miss Castle's feelings,

but I can do without
your expressions

of incredulity concerning them.

Why shouldn't Miss Castle fall
desperately in love with me?

- Did she tell you that?
- No, you did.

I did?

If you didn't, who have
we been discussing?

- Dr Binn.
- Dr B...

Dr Binn?

She's in love with him?

Didn't I just say that?

Oh, well, yes, in a
round about way.

We must think up some ruse, some

stratagem, whereby they
can come together.

I've got it.

Oh, you haven't, Mr Marjoribanks?

- You'll have to work it...
- Yes.

Surely we can think of something
nice to do for the Captain.

I know. I've got it. How about a

nice clock with a
brass plate on it?

We can't do that.
He's not retiring.

Anyway, where would you get a
clock in the middle of the ocean?

- Ship shop.
- Say that again.

Ship shop.

When we get back, you
want to see a dentist.

Oh, ta.

Well, here goes. All for Flo.



Don't worry.

No harm done. Thank goodness.

It is you.

Oh, it was you.

- What was me?
- I saw you.

I had to lean on the
rail for support.


I could feel your eyes
burning into my back.

Ooh. That... That scorching look.

It was like sunstroke.

And then I turned, saw you again,

and that was it, I went.

Where did you go?

Into a dead faint. Didn't you see?

Oh, yes, of course.

Very distressing.

And how long have you been
suffering these attacks?

Since I first saw you.

Come on, let's leave me
out of it, shall we?

I can't.

You are it.

You are all.

You're the germ. The
symptom. The sickness.

And the cure.

Oh, Doctor.

I'm afraid you must be a
little overwrought, miss.

No, I'm not, I'm underprivileged.

I'm afraid I-l don't
really follow you.

- Doctor...
- Mm?

You are aware of me, aren't you?

Very difficult to ignore you.

How do you find me?

I just look straight
ahead and there you are.

- Do I repel you?
- No, no, of course you don't, no.

Then all the rest
will come in time.

Of course it will.
What do you mean?


Gladys Trimble, how do you do?

Arthur Do. How you Binn? I
mean Binn, how do you do?

- I confuse you.
- Yes, you don't.

I mean, do.

You didn't sound confused when
you sang to me the other night.

What? I Sa...

- I sang to you?
- Who else?

Well, I...

Come, come, Doctor.
It must have been me.

Look, I was not serenading you.

I say. I seem to have made
the most dreadful mistake.

Yes, I'm afraid you have.

I was only trying to help
you over your shyness.

I'm not shy.

- Prove it. Prove you're not shy.
- How?

I don't know. Do something.

Yes. All right. I will.

Where is she?

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

- Do you mind if I do?
- No, go ahead.

I must say, I enjoy these cruises.

Excuse me.

- Yes. Ah, yes. I thought so.
- Huh?

You're going a bit
blotchy around here.


I noticed this coming
on over the past few

days. It's probably
highly infectious.

It's just the change of food,
the change of climate.

Nothing to worry about,
of course. You'll live.

Providing I give you instant
treatment, of course.

Would you mind popping down to the

treatment cabin? And
don't touch anybody.

- May I...?
- What about that young man?

Oh, don't worry about him. Let
him get another deck chair.

- That young man, is he ill?
- No, no.

- Then why are you...
- Preventive medicine.

- I don't understand.
- You will, if you listen.

I'm not interested in preventive
medicine. What is this?

I have something to declare.

Well, wait till we get to Customs.

Now listen, please. I'm
not like that. I'm pure.

Pure what?

There's not many like
me left, you know.

I'm glad to hear it.

Please, if we're going
to spend the rest of our

lives together, you must
learn not to interrupt.

The rest of our lives?

Yes. For better or for worse.

And so on and so forth.

You mean marriage?

Of course. I know of no
respectable alternative.

You've got a nerve.

I've got several of them.

They're all functioning normally.

Do you realise what you've said?

I should do. It's
pounded in my brain

often enough, asleep and awake.

In the drowsy fantasy moment
of every lonely dawn...

Well, come on, what's your answer?

You've taken my breath away.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry. Would you mind

standing up? Thank you.
Breathe in deeply.

Out again, please.
Thank you. In...

Try a bit further. Out. Thank you.

Marvellous. You'll feel
better in a moment.

I feel dizzy.

Oh. Sit down.

It's just the... sudden
realisation, you

see, of the fact that...
that I love you.

Do you?

Yes. Oh. Haven't I said so?

Not in so many words.

- Shall I?
- Yes, please.

All right.

I love you.

Ha-ha. What about that, then?

- And how about you?
- How about me?

Do you think that you
could come to love me?

Well, I...

I suppose I could do worse.

Ooh. Coo.


- Turned out nice again.
- Has it?

Mr Haines. Mr Haines.
Where is the idiot?

- Mr...
- Here.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Do you know what day it is today?

I'm not daft, it's Thursday.

- It's providential.
- No, it's Thursday.

No, listen. Exactly 10
years ago to this day,

Captain Crowther took command
of the Happy Wanderer.

I only found it out by accident. I
looked it up in an old log book.

- I'm not with you.
- Yes, you are.

Have you got some private little
place where you could make a cake?

- A cake?
- A cake.

- An anniversary cake?
- An anniversary cake.

Of course. I knew I'd
think of something.

You knew you'd think of...

Yes, all right. Well,
to work, then.

And remember, the utmost secrecy.

No one'll see me handle
as much as a nut.

The success of this
operation will depend

entirely on your
culinary expertise.

I don't know about
that. But I can cook.

We understand each
other. With some

difficulty, but we do
understand each other.

Till tonight.

Tonight. With a cake
to stagger humanity.

Thank you.

We're arranging a party
especially for the Captain.

- A party?
- Ssh.

Please, it's supposed
to be a secret.

What if the Captain should hear?

You shouldn't have told me. I get
so excited, I can't keep secrets.

What a lovely idea. So
thoughtful and tender.

Just the sort of thing that makes
me feel... really... happy.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Miss Madderley, pull yourself

together. It's only
a little party.

Ssh, ssh. Don't say
that. It's a secret.

Suppose the Captain...

Oh, the Captain.

The dear, devoted Captain.

Hello, hello. What is afoot?

That peculiar shaped thing
on the end of your leg.

Keep taking the tablets.

Excuse me.

Miss Madderley.

- What's wrong?
- You are. Er... nothing.

Hello. Goodbye.

Handmade. Nothing like it.

Mm... Well made...
but not yet created.

This needs the Haines touch.

We don't need that, I don't think.

Here we go.

Española sherry.



Smells like a Babylonian
boozer's bedroom. Phwoar.

Can't have put too much sherry in.

It's not like me at all.

Well, we'll soon see.

Too much sherry in.

Now what? Counteraction.

Yes. Cream. Of course.

Only glorious Devon
cream can save the day.

Glorious Dev...

What an idea.

An international cake.

Just the thing for a
mariner's anniversary.

And apart from that,
a good turmoil of

ingredients will
give it flavouring.

Yes. Flavouring.


Right, we'll start with the grated
coconut from the South Seas.

Grated coconut.

And then... Bombay duck,
all the way from Bombay.

A little bit of Bombay
duck. Thank you very much.

And Chinese chop suey. Chinese
chop... Chinese chop suey.

And a little Californian prunes.


Last but not least,
viva spaghetti.

Viva voce per la tomato?

No wonder they say "Mr
Haines takes-a pains."

- Who?
- Me.

- You?
- Aye.


Haines. I'm thrilled.

Haines, I'm engaged.

No need to ask how you're
getting on, Mr Haines.

Or him. Congratulations.

Here, I hope you'll allow me to
cook the cake for your wedding.

What? Not if it's got
spaghetti in it.

Or chop suey.

- Hey. Or bicarbonate of soda.
- And why not?

My dear Wilfred.

You don't mean that all that stuff
is in the cake you're now baking?

I repeat, why not?

- It's incredible.
- It's inedible.

Out of my kitchen. Do I
tell you how to doctor?

Do I tell you how to run the ship?
Do I tell you how to get engaged?

Well, then don't
tell me how to cook.

You wait. You'll eat
it. Then you'll see.

This is an historic moment
for English cooking.

England expects this day
every man to have a nibble.

Sir. Sir. There's something
going on in the bar.

There usually is.

- Will you come at once, sir?
- What's the matter?

If it's anything medical,
you can deal with it.

If it's anything else,
I've got a staff...

Come quickly, sir. Only
you can deal with it.

Well, what is it?

Would you come with
me, sir, please?

All right. All right.

Mr Marjoribanks, sir.

For the Captain.

An Aberdeen Angus.

You clever boy.

That's right, sir. I cabled
Angus for the recipe.


12 days late, but initiative.

The cake, sir.

How beautiful. Looks
almost too good to eat.

Doesn't it?

Oh, yes. It's much
too good to eat.

Thank you, Haines.

It's great.

It reminds me of
everywhere I've ever been.

Including Port Said.

Thank you.

- Speech. Speech.
- Speech.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much

for this very gratifying
party. You seem...


You seem to like
travelling with me and I

certainly like travelling
with you. I'm afraid...


I'm afraid that this
speech really isn't very

much in response to your
generosity, but I...

Chop suey?

But there isn't
anything else I can

say except... thank you very much.

Well said.

Ssh. Quiet, everyone.

It's my turn.

Ladies and... gentlemen,


on behalf of all us
happy... wanderers...

and crikey, I've done some happy

wandering on this
ship in my time...

jolly good luck,

and may we all have
the pleasure of

sailing with you for
many years to come.

- My condolences, sir.
- What for?

It appears you didn't get command
of the transatlantic run.

I did. But I don't want it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

I'm not very good at making
speeches, as you've already heard.

Hear hear, sir.

But I do know the
difference between just

ferrying passengers
and running a cruise.

There's a good feeling
about looking after

people who are out
to enjoy themselves.

After all, when we're
on a trip like

this, we're all in the same boat.

So what else can I do
but carry on cruising?

Any questions?

Oh, yes, sir. Will you marry me?

Oh, no. I didn't mean...
I mean us, sir.

- Oh, her. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Turner. Champagne.

- Doctor. Doctor.
- Haines. What is it?

- Seasick.
- What did that?

- The Captain's cake.
- Was it the chop suey?

The Bombay duck?

I know how you feel. I'll
give you an injection.

No, please. Not again.

I'll get you one of those
special tablets. Wait there.