Carry On Constable (1960) - full transcript

With a flu epidemic running rife, three new bumbling recruits are assigned to Inspector Mills police station. With help from Special Constable Gorse, they manage to totally wreck the operations of the police force and let plenty of criminals get away, even before they arrive at the station. They all have to prove themselves or else they'll be out of a job and Sergeant Wilkins will be transferred. Sub-plots include romances between Wilkins and Moon, Constable and Passworthy.

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Flu epidemic at peak. Paper.

Thousands away from work. Paper.

His mudguard smashed against
my hand. Like this.

Constable, this is really
important. Of national importance.

Now just a moment please.
You say it's your right

You were walking with
your back to the car?

- Well, what if I was?
- You shouldn't have been.

Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous
driving just the same,

and I'd like to
report... Sedition.

Just a minute, all of you.



Six down with flu now.
Difficult days, Sergeant?

Yes, sir, very difficult
for some of us.

What do you mean, some of us?
Difficult for all of us, in'it.

Well for those of us
who has to carry on.

It can't be difficult
for those who have flu.

They're in bed in
the section house.

I don't get your
meaning, Sergeant.

All I'm saying is, that
these are difficult

times for those of
us who have flu.

No, you said these are difficult

times for those of
us who haven't...

Who haven't got flu.
Yes, you're right.

Yes. I'm sorry... Anyway look...

There's too much arguing goes on
here and it's bad for discipline.



And discipline has been bad
in this station lately.

Now, I've warned you once, haven't
I. I shan't warn you again.

Yes, sir, this time
it's final... again.

Would you like to
see my shubunkin?

If it'll give you
any satisfaction.

That's him with the
three stripes up. Or

her. What about that
plain one there?

What the copper?

I'm hoping that's the opposite
of what the other one was.

Haven't got much room, have they?

They don't need much room
you know, for, er...

Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer
them to a garden pond.

Who's gonna dig that for you, sir?

I see. I am.

Hard work never hurt
anyone, Wilkie.

Yes, I feel very well myself.
Do you. You surprise me.

Anyway look, let's
see that my orders

concisely given are
smartly carried out.

Yes, sir.

Well, go on, what are
you waiting for?

You haven't given me an
order yet, sir. What?

You asked me to come and see you
about the replacements, sir.

I did? On account of
the flu epidemic, sir.

Yes, all right, all
right, you thought

I'd forgotten it, didn't you?

Three temporary replacements.

Three.

From the police
school. Anyway, chase

them. Show 'em what discipline is.

After all, these men
are volunteers.

You've only got to
start giving them half

a rousing and they
hand in their notice.

Well, don't argue, get on
with it. But remember my

warning. If there's not
a change around here...

I'm going to ask for
you to be transferred.

Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, sir.

What if I was?

Well you shouldn't have been.
Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous
driving just the same

and I want to report... Sedition.

Well, Sergeant Moon,
it's happened.

Threatened to
transfer you, has he?

That crafty little... If you
weren't a lady, I'd say it.

If you weren't a gentleman,
I'd expect you to.

What a marvellous
technique he's got.

Shove all the work onto the
sergeant. Then when it

looks like the sergeant's
gonna' get credit for it

chase the sergeant from
ear'oles to breakfast time,

panic him into making
a mistake, moan to

HQ and Bingo. The
sergeant's transferred.

Sergeant Wilkins, Can you
lend me a hand here please.

Coming. Excuse me.

Look, all I want is my
provisional driving licence.

Post office.

About time we had a few
purges in this country.

I was here before him.

It's my neighbour's
radio. He plays it too

loud. Drives me crackers.
What can I do?

Move. Next. Stick it, Thurston.

Relief's coming.
Replacements, Sergeant?

Three. Three keen, alert, helpful
raring-to-go constables. I hope.

Hurry up. It's
nearly closing time.

Good afternoon.

Just a moment. Could you possibly
direct me to the police station?

Certainly. Just cross over and
it's up there on the left.

Thanks awfully. I'm
round new here.

So sorry to have delayed you.

That's quite all right.

Any luck? Rather.

Thank goodness. All this trampling
about. My feet are killing me.

What a nice fellow. He
said it's this way.

Now what?

A cross-eyed man
crossing our path.

Cor. Shocking bad luck.

Utter twaddle. Primitive
superstition.

You may sneer if you
wish, Benson, but I

know that cosmic
forces rule our lives.

And a cross-eyed man, seen when
the moon is in its third quarter,

it's just about the worst
omen there is, that is.

It means two misfortunes.

You can tempt fate
if you like mate,

but I'm not crossing
this road here.

That's one misfortune.

That's two misfortunes.

All right, we can cross now.

Thanks, chaps.

I'll have a constable
to you right away.

Why? Want to make a
male-voice quartet?

Ssh.

Sergeant. It's our replacements.

Welcome. Welcome.

What a lovely sight, Thurston?

Not half, Sergeant.

At ease, at ease.

I'm Benson. This is
Constable Potter

and this is Constable Constable.

Who?

Charlie Constable.

Oh I get it, that's your name?

Yeah, and I'm fed up with it.
Everybody keeps taking the mickey.

Nobody will do that here,
Constable Constable.

I'm very pleased to here
it, Sergeant Sergeant.

Yes.

Well then let's here
all about you then.

What delayed you then Couldn't you
find your way to the station?

That's right.

Sense of humour? Well that's
good. You need that in this job.

So you're just out of police
school, are you? How'd you do?

Frightfully fit, thanks Sergeant.

No, how did you do at school?

Horrible.

You're pulling my leg,
aren't you? You didn't

really do badly at school?
Tell me you didn't.

Well Sergeant, we did pass.

Only just. In my case,
it was sheer prejudice.

The instructors... instructors.
Hopelessly old-fashioned.

All uniformly hostile to my
advanced forensic theories.

That had nothing to do with it.

Sergeant, on the
day of the finals,

a black cat fell off the roof.

And Mars was in conjunction
with Uranus at the time.

I ask you, Sergeant. How
could we possibly do well?

Approximately 100
trainees did very well.

Well they must have been under
the influence of "Pisces".

Oh, "Pisces" yourself.

You septic.

The word is sceptic,
you ignoramus.

Boys, boys. Don't get so rattled.

After all, exam results aren't
everything. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

You just put us on the
beat, Sergeant. We'll

show the school instructors
a thing or two.

That's the spirit. Now
the first thing you...

Sergeant, jewellery-shop
robbery off the Main

Street. Subjects picked
up outside our area.

Yes lovely. Get on with it.

Sergeant, when apprehended,
they were in hysterics.

Psychopaths. Fascinating.

Nutcases. Very sad. When you...

No Sergeant, they was
laughing because

they thought it was
worth a stretch...

To be helped into their car not 20

yards from the crime
by a constable.

A posh talking fellow
with a little moustache.

What'd I tell you. Nutcases.
There's no constable

answering to that
description stationed...

I... Them? Robbers?

The wall-eyed man.

What wall-eyed man?

An omen, I knew it was an omen.

Mark my words, Jupiter's
behind all this.

Jupiter?

Jupiter.

- Now are you convinced?
- No, I'm not.

If you think the sight of
a cock-eyed pedestrian

can possibly make Potter any
more congenitally stupid

than he already is. You're
very much mistaken.

Benson, step outside.

Yeah, step outside. Delighted.

Just a minute, just a
minute. Look here.

Hello.

Hello, Gorse.

Sorry I'm late Sergeant, but I
just couldn't leave home without

bringing something bright and gay

for the poor
indisposed constables.

So it was off to my
greenhouse, and with a little

snip here, a little snip
there... snip, snip

and here we are with my love.

Oh, what have I said? With my
very best floral greetings.

Thank you, Gorse. Here,
do something with those.

Now then, since you weren't
strictly on duty at

the time of the crime,
we'll forget about it.

A crime? Goody. Where?

Well you see, I was
going down the road...

I think we forget about it. I want

you to meet Special
Constable Gorse.

Benson. How do you do?

Him.

How do you do?

Potter. How do you do?
And how do you do?

And now you shall all meet Bobby,
my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he the quaintest thing? I
just couldn't leave him behind.

Yes well, Gorse will be
working full time with us

as from today, on account
of this flu trouble.

You'll all sleep together.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Harrison.

Yes, Sergeant.

Show these constables to
their quarters, please.

Certainly. This way.

With you, anywhere.

Flu or no flu, I
take it we get some

time off, Policewoman Harrison.

How do you like to spend it?
Cinema, dancing, or just talking?

Ooh.

A dog. Symbol of Pluto.

The darkest, most evil
planet of them all.

Oh, crikey.

Oh, dry up. What's that
animal doing here?

She's a police dog, of course.
Her handler's off with flu.

Why wasn't that dog
tied up in his kennel?

What you been noshing,
aniseed balls?

Don't tell her off,
Sergeant. She's very

affectionate. I think
she's taken to me.

Harrison, get these
men out of here.

Yes, Sergeant.

Come on, Lady, this
way. Lady, this way.

Lady.

Sergeant Wilk...

When you can spare a moment.

It'd be rather fun
to spend our off

time together,
Policewoman Harrison?

We might get better acquainted,
hey Policewoman Harrison.

I can't keep calling you
that, it's such a mouthful.

What do your friends call you?

Policewoman Harrison.

Oh that's a nice name. My name's
Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.

This is it.

This is our accommodation?

All that's available. The men are
off sick are in their rooms.

I don't like it. There's
an old saying, it says...

spend your first night in a
strange bed below ground level...

and bad luck will haunt you
straight from the devil.

There are the keys.
Sort yourselves out

and report back to
Sergeant Wilkins.

Yes, sir. Bless you.

Policewoman Harrison.

Yes, what is it? I'm busy.

Not too busy to get
acquainted, I hope?

I'll think about it.

Don't take too long.

I say chaps, I think I'm
going to like it here.

Like it here. How can
you say that, Potter?

With all the omens
stacked up against us

like a wall of doom.
I've warned you...

Yes, yes, we know. When Mars
is in conjunction with Uranus

it's gonna be a bumpy
night. Come on.

I never said that.

You sent for us, Sergeant.

And here we are.

Keen, aren't you? Rather.

Right, we'll put you
to work right away.

Gorse, you patrol area
five, till relieved.

Benson, I've got something
special for you.

Sergeant, on my first day, too.

This way.

Willy.

Willy.

Police.

Oh.

Police. Police.

Dull Coppers.

Get out of my way, you
fool, I want a policeman.

Madam, I am a policeman.

So you are. Oh, thank heavens.
What a blessed release.

It's my little boy, officer,
he's gone. Find my little Willy.

Madam. Panic not. I must
have your full particulars.

Oh, hurry up then, do. Have
pity on a mother's agony.

Madam, I assure you I
shall have him back

here before you can
say Jack Robinson...

Where you been. You
perishing little

stop-out. Giving me
a turn like that.

I'll skin you alive.
Madam, you've no...

You shut up and buzz off and mind
your own business, bluebottle.

I'll tell your dad. He
won't half have your guts.

I say, Madam, wait.

Lady.

Heel, Lady, heel. Heel.

Lady, wait.

Lady, wait. Lady, come back.

Lady. Lady.

Lady.

Oh.

Oh, where's the doggy gone?

Confound the creature. I've
done myself an injury.

I nearly broke my neck.

- Have you studied it?
- Ok Yes.

All right, first question.

Ready? Right.

What's the shortest
route between Waverly

Square and the south end
of the High Street?

I don't know, I'm a
stranger here myself.

Let's be serious, shall we?

Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh
sometimes, or even smile?

Life's a serious
business my friend.

The powerful forces of destiny...

If only you knew the
world's most powerful

force is the sparkle
in a popsy's eyes.

Oh please. Let's study our routes.

I'm only interested
in one. The route

to Policewoman Harrison's heart.

Yes. Thank you, goodbye.

WPC Passworthy,
Sergeant. Reporting

on temporary attachment.

Oh.

As a connoisseur of
police personalities,

let me state that I
have never before

been arrested with
such charm. Never.

I salute her.

You mean you arrested Mrs
May on your way here?

I wasn't yet on station strength,

Sergeant, I know, but
I was in uniform.

I was called to the
public house, The Coach

and Horses by a barman
with a bleeding head.

Yes well, I can imagine
the circumstances.

Mrs May is a regular
customer of ours.

Oh, charming. You're
all so charming.

Ok, Passworthy, you did well.
Good start. I'll charge her.

Usual? Drunk?

And disorderly.

Take her to the cells,
they're just...

I can find my own way,
thank you Sergeant.

Ah, you see. You watch
out, Sergeant. She'll

have your job from
you within the week.

Bye now.

I usually have that
nice cell with the

southern exposure,
Policewoman Passworthy.

My dear girl, for you
to trouble to take me

any further. I know my
way perfectly well.

No trouble, Mrs May, it's my job.

Aha-ha. Me old
friend, number five.

You really ought to be ashamed
of yourself at this time of day.

If you're referring to
the fact that I had

eight or nine brandies
to help my digestion...

and also to the fact that
that crude fellow of

a barman insulted me
by asking me to leave.

Well all I can say
is that I did what

any lady would do in
the circumstances.

I hit him on the head
with a siphon soda.

Well, just settle down and behave
yourself, Mrs May. Sleep it off.

I don't like your tone, my
girl, I don't like it at all.

I'm going to write to my
close friend, the Home

Secretary about you.
Overwrought I may be.

To hear you go on,
anyone would think

I was seeing things. Not nice.

Heavens, I'm seeing things.

Look, in that cell, policemen.

Now, Mrs May, I can see them, too.

Who heard of policemen in a cell?
Fetch a doctor from Harley Street.

No, keep away. I swear
I'll never touch another

drop as long as I
live. I swear, never.

Come back here, Mrs May. Look,
see, they're real policemen.

I grant you they may
not look it, but...

Do you mind?

Oh, it speaks.

Please, Mrs May.

How do you do Mrs May?
My name's Potter.

No, not one of the
Hertfordshire Potters?

Oh yes, I'm the
youngest son, Thomas.

My dear boy, how delightful.
I came out with your mother.

Did you? You never told me
your mum had been inside.

Now look, if I can do
anything to help both of you

in your career, I should
be only too delighted

because I'm a close personal
friend of the Home Secretary...

and I... We know.

But you're also very tired.

You'd better get a kip, Madam.

Kip? Oh, kip.

Yes, well, perhaps I will.
Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.

Policewoman Passworthy.
I say, when's

Policewoman Harrison
next off duty?

Right now. She's off with
flu. I'm her replacement.

Oh, what a shame.
Poor old Harrison.

Still, life must go on I
suppose. I hate going

to the flicks on my own.
Would you care to...?

I am here to work.
This is my first

assignment since training school

and I intend to work
and work and work.

I hope that's clear.

Now I suggest that you get on with

whatever you're
supposed to be doing.

Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm
familiarising myself with the...

prominent points around here.

She's beautiful.

Policewoman Passworthy. Beautiful.

Nicely stacked. Passworthy,
interesting name.

Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You
know, she's too regimental, too...

Charlie, you mean you?

You've seen the old
sparkle at last? Oh

congratulations, I never
thought I'd see the day.

Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.

What? You don't understand.

You see, I can't.

Of course you can. There's
always the first time.

No, no, no. I can't. I've got
to be very careful with girls.

Who hasn't?

There you go, taking the
mickey. I knew you would...

No, I'm not honestly, Charlie,
honestly. What's your problem?

You won't take the mickey?

Those boys. Those dear boys.

Thank you for being so real.

You were saying. Ssh.

Not now. Let her sleep.

I suppose that dog will find
its way back all right?

Oh yes. Lady's
absolutely marvellous.

Not the adjective I'd
have chosen. However.

You know the local regular police
staff quite well I take it?

Yes, I do. A fine body of men.

By which you mean they're
mentally constipated I suppose?

Why do you say that?

Because Criminology
is in its infancy and

infantile minds are
in charge of it.

Really? Yes, really.

What is the true function
of a policeman on his beat?

Erm... to catch criminals.

No, to prevent crime.

Easy to say.

Easy to do if you know
how. If you study.

Study what? Physiognomy.

I'm not altogether with you.

Neither were the
instructors at the school.

There are signs you see, in the

face. If you know
what to look for.

I can tell at a glance if a man
is of criminal inclination.

Good heavens, how
very useful. Useful.

Don't you realise that
if all that stuff

we were taught at the
school was scrapped,

if every constable was
taught Forensic Physiognomy,

it'd revolutionise
police practise.

That's what I'm interested in.

Not a lot of hide-bound tripe
and taking dogs for walks.

We're stuck with all
this old-fashioned muck.

I'm most terribly sorry
officer. I do beg your

pardon. I was thinking
of something else.

Yes, that's quite all right, sir.

Go on, then, do it on him.

What ever do you mean?

You know.
Physi-what-you-ma-call-it.

Do it on that man.

On him? He's as honest
as the day is long.

I say. Can you really tell
that quickly as that?

Yes, at a glance.
Of course, one has

to study. It means
years of research.

But then as I say, the signs
always show in a criminal's face.

Turned rather chilly all
of a sudden, hasn't it?

Do you think you've got flu?

That man. He pinched my braces.

Morning, Bobby. Ready for
brekkers? Uncle's coming.

Ow.

Naughty rude, quiet...
naughty rude Bobby.

Laughing because
poor Uncle Timothy

hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.

Wakey, wakey.

Rise and shine.

Up and out.

Must you make that flaming row?

Restrain yourself.

I know someone who didn't get out
of the right side of their bed.

All ready, then?
Come on, turn it on.

Oh, I'm frightfully
sorry, I remember now.

It only comes on hot
at certain times.

You maniac.

We'll all catch... flu.

Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, really.

Disgraceful. One of
the Hertfordshire

Potters. It's utterly disgraceful.

Well you did ask for a cell
with a southern exposure.

No time like the present, Charlie.

Go to it. Remember,
delay is fatal.

Hello there.

Good morning, Constable Constable.

My name's Charlie.
Charles, actually

It's against regulations for
us to be as familiar as that.

Didn't you learn anything
at your training school?

Yes, I did Policewoman
Passworthy. I

learned what constitutes
an obstruction,

Parking regulations,
rules of evidence.

I came out top with me truncheon.

Well that's a great comfort
to us all, I'm sure.

Please, Policewoman Passworthy,
what's your birthday?

My what? Your birthday. I
must know. It's vital to me.

You see I can't take a
single step until...

You take a few steps over to
inspection and don't be so silly.

No, please, tell me.
You don't understand,

I can't do a thing before I...

Here comes the Sergeant. Go away.

Oh, dear.

Good morning, Sergeant.

Good morning.

I notice Sergeant that I'm
not down for a patrol today.

I'm glad to know you're
so keen, Passworthy,

but you really must have a better
knowledge of the district, first.

Pick up a map and study it.

Yes, Sergeant.

Any luck?

I should never have tried. My tea

leaves at breakfast
were all clotted.

You better call in at Mrs
Bottomley at number 24.

She's complaining about suspicious

activities in the
rear of her premises.

Yes, Sergeant.

- You're late, Constable.
- Yes Sergeant.

Why?

We had a bit of trouble
with the shower.

Looks like I'm going
to have a bit of

trouble with the shower
too, doesn't it?

Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty.

Quiet, Gorse. No more talking now.

All present and correct,
sir. Show your appointments.

Excuse me, sir.

Constable Benson, sir.

Well what is it?

In the absence of the station
dog handler yesterday sir,

I took the animal,
"Lady" walking, sir.

What, on a job? Routine, sir.

Oh, just for a walkies.
What about it?

I wish to protest at being
sent out with a brute that far

seems to me, barely advanced
from the wolf pack.

Sergeant, don't send him
out again with Lady.

No, sir. Thank you, sir.

- Can't have Lady upset.
- No, sir.

Why is your uniform tor, Gorse?

I fell down a flight
of stairs, sir.

How? Quick.

Yes indeed sir, very
quick. I was on a scooter.

On a scooter? Why wasn't
I told about this?

The facts, Gorse. I was
proceeding easterly direction...

And that insane canine misfit was

proceeding in a
westerly direction.

Quiet, Benson. Quiet, Wilkins.

You were there?

Was I not. We were both
nearly killed weren't we.

It's all the fault of
that stupid bitch.

What there was a third
party involved?

No, no, sir. Lady.

Lady?

The dog, sir. She's a
bitch, isn't she sir.

Lady dog's a bitch. Well
I know that, don't I.

- Yes, sir.
- Good gracious.

We're all nattering here
like a lot old women.

Let's have some
discipline in this place.

Yes, sir.

How do you do, sir?

How do you...?

Constable Potter, sir.

I've seen you before
somewhere, haven't I.

I don't think so, sir. I
couldn't forget your face.

What do you mean? Well I mean, you
have such an arresting face, sir.

Oh, very swift, an arresting
face. You merry quipper, you.

Gorse.

Where have I seen you before?

Perhaps you met him in a
previous existence, sir.

Who's this lot?

Constable, sir.

Constable who?

Constable, sir.

I know, I said Constable who?

Constable Constable, sir.

That's unusual, isn't it?

Yes, sir, isn't it?

Explain yourself
Constable Constable.

Reincarnation, sir.

Who?

Reincarnation, sir.
It accounts for

some of our more
uncanny experiences.

- Get away.
- Yes.

If you cooperate with me, sir,

I think could uncover
where it was that you

and Potter met in a
previous life, sir.

Utter nonsense.

No sir, please. Close
your eyes and relax.

Certainly not.

Please, sir. Yes. They're very

strong, your heredity
thought waves.

Cor. Wait.

I can see a pond. A beautiful,
artificial pond in a garden, sir.

Any fish?

The fountains are playing.

I said any fish?

No, no fish.

Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you
and Potter. You're in the garden.

You're centurions together, sir.
2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.

Wait a minute. I can see
the Vestal Virgins.

Ah, they've gone indoors.

I've never heard such
poppycock in all me life.

Please, sir, don't make
another heredity wave.

Please. Let's try it again, we're
very near. Shut your eyes, sir...

You shut your trap. I've
had enough of this. And

I remember where I've
seen you before, too.

You're a society
playboy, Lothario.

One of the siphon-squirters and
waiter-debaggers of this world.

Happy days, sir?

Happy days. You lot won't
know what's hit you soon.

Horrible, disgusting.

I don't want trouble, you
can't afford trouble, right?

Right, sir.

Right.

You four, do you know your routes?

Yes, Sergeant. Well, concentrate
on them, and on nothing else.

This is a police patrol, not a
protest march against Crufts,

a scooter demonstration,

boat-race night,

or a reincarnation seance.

It's just a routine police patrol.

Yes, Sergeant.

Just stay here, you lot, and
remember, you're still on parade.

Well, why don't you
ask me how it went.

All right, how did it go?

Don't ask.

Do me a favour, tell
Thurston to meet

me at the last patrol
point in a car.

Anything to help. And my voices
tell me you do need help.

Potty-poos.

Potty-poos. Potty-darling.

Honoria, old thing.

Haven't seen you since
Fruity Fotheringill's

pyjama party. I say,
what are you doing here?

What is this, a rag?

Oh, rather not, I'm in the force.

Potter the Copper. What fun.

I'd like you to meet my new chums.

Timothy Gorse, Charlie, Stanley
Benson, Sergeant Wilkins.

Sweet, just sweet, all of
you. Especially Wilky-poos.

I'm terribly sorry, Sergeant, I...

Have I done something
madly illegal?

Oh, no miss, you're just
obstructing the police

in the execution of
their duty, that's all.

It's my fault, Sergeant.

Oh, don't blame dear
Potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.

You will forgive me, won't
you? Everybody does, you know.

Bye-bye, Potty-poodles.

It's entirely my fault,
Sergeant. I shouldn't...

Back to work, Potty-poos.

Yes.

Gorse, you still there?

Yes.

Why? Your beat starts here.

Does it? Oh, so it
does. Thank you.

I know, I know, this
is where I get off.

Good morning, Madam,
can I help you at all?

Well, I certainly need a
copper and that's a fact.

You're my first customer this

morning, Madam. Have
this one on me.

Oh, ta.

By Jove. A simian amorist
with paralysed conscience.

Don't do it, my friend.

Don't do what? You know what.

I don't know what.

Pause, consider. If you can resist

the temptation to
steal that car...

it'll be easier for
you to overcome

the urge to rob that post office.

You'll need skilled
help of course.

To do the robbery?

No, to recover from your sickness.

You think I'm ill?

I know you are. Desperately
ill. Crime is an illness.

Its symptoms show in the face.

What you need is understanding
help to recover from it.

Come to me. Anytime. Even when the
temptation seems overwhelming.

Ask for me at the station. My
name's Benson, Constable Benson.

My name's Liddell.

Liddell.

Detective Sergeant Liddell. CID.

Not a very good start
to your reform.

No fantasies now. You know as
well as I do, no police officer

would behave so suspiciously,
coming out of the post office.

Oh, he might you know,
if he'd just drawn a few

pounds to buy his wife
a surprise present.

And he didn't want to bump
in to her, knowing full

well she was in the area
shopping at the time.

Huh, ingenious. You're a card.

I'm not, but... this is.

Oh dear. But you looked such
a standard criminal type.

Oh, don't be misled
by appearances. I'm

not. After all, you
look quite sensible.

Thank you.

Charming.

What's up, Sergeant?

Thurston, what would you
do if you wanted to make

sure that patrol was keeping
an eye on the district?

I'd keep an eye on that patrol.

Get cracking.

Help. Stop. Look
out, he's got a gun.

- Stand back, Ursula.
- Help.

- Ursula, stand back.
- Help.

Thir... thirteen.

Help. Stop.

You vicious swine.

He's insane Alistair.
Don't hurt him, I...

Follow me.

Oh, you fool.

Alistair, you've killed him.

Here, what do you
think you're doing?

Well I heard a... I
thought I heard...

What's going on here?

I thought I heard a
murder, Sergeant.

It was only the radio.

That excerpt was from tonight's
play in the home service.

Do you want to make
a complaint, Miss?

No, he was only doing what
he thought was right.

Thank you very much, Miss.

Does it hurt?

Not at all, Sergeant.

Get back on the beat.

Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, Miss.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you, Miss.

Want to cross the road, ma?

Very heavy load, yes.

I see. Well, never mind.

What?

Wait.

That's all right mother.
You're all right with me.

What do you want with me
key? I ain't done nothing.

Now.

What you doing?

All right, all right, don't
worry, all in a day's work.

There we are. That's
all right isn't it.

You half-baked twit, you.

Madame, please, I'm trying...

I was trying to help you.

Madame, I'm trying to help you.

Help. What's going on here?

Speak up, speak up, me
battery's running out.

Not a second before time,
the ungrateful virago

What happened, Madam?

He forced me to
over here, when I'd

taken ten minutes to
get to over there.

All of a sudden, he
grabbed me behind and...

Ooh, I did not.

You lying old witch.

Can't hear ya'. Don't interrupt.

That's enough of that. Do you
want to make a complaint?

What do you mean it
ain't? I tell you, it's

the gospel truth. He
grabbed me behind as...

Sergeant, I assure you I did not.

Benson, I don't care where
you grabbed her. The

point is, she didn't want
to be grabbed anywhere.

Now get those crumbs off, and
get back on your patrol.

- Yes, Sergeant.
- And remember in future...

helping old ladies
across the street

should be left to the boy scouts.

Kindly don't sneer at that fine
organisation. I was a Rover.

Well rove.

Police Station. Calmly and
clearly, Madam, please.

Miss Horton. Yes,
you're speaking from?

33. Three, three, Nathaniel Road.

Intruder next door.
Do you mean 31 or 35?

Three, five.

Telephone number? 4573.

Thank you Madam, we'll
send a car immedi... What?

I said that's all right, I've
just seen a policeman outside.

Sergeant.

Nathaniel Road.

Calling car four,
calling car four.

Constable Potter
investigating report

of intruder. 35 Nathaniel Road.

Over to Nathaniel Road, thanks.
Right, Thurston, move.

Psst. Mr and Mrs
Barry, 35. They're in

Canada seeing their
first grandchild.

Their daughter Sally, she's in

Cornwall visiting her
fiancé's family.

The house should
be empty, but just

now, I heard somebody
moving about.

I see, thanks.

Well, go in and get him.

I'd sooner wait till he comes out.

Better still. Catch
him in the act. The

Barrys left them with
me. Fortunate, ay.

Back way, over the garden fence.

Well, supposing he's armed?

Well, If I hear a shot, I'll
ring the station. Ten-four.

What's happened? Nothing.

It's Eric. An accident.

Hello, I'm a police... officer.

Come on Thurston, faster.
Potter may be struggling

for his life with some
murderous tearaway.

If only Eric was as
considerate as you

are, Constable. What's your name?

Just call me Tom.
Tell me all about it.

Well, last night Eric and I
were talking about furniture.

I want contemporary
things and he doesn't

We had a terrible row.
He said he wasn't

going to have chairs
like toadstools.

So I said if he's
going to exaggerate,

there wasn't much
point in talking.

So he said perhaps we aught never
to talk to each other again.

Whereupon I said that
suits me fine, threw his

ring back and got here at
3.00 this morning and...

Oh, Tom, we haven't
even got a flat.

Oh, is that all. It's just
a little lovers' tiff.

Tiff? It's finished. I'm never
going to see him again.

Of course you will.
There, there, there,

there. Now, listen,
it's quite simple.

You and Eric are both tense about

getting married, you
can't wait for it.

What do you mean?

Well, I... er... you know.

Don't you see? At present,
you're both a bundle of nerves.

Naturally you're going to fly off
the handle at the slightest thing.

But believe me, once
you're married.

We'll not be married now.
It's all spoiled. Finished.

Of course it isn't. You phone him,
say you're sorry. Cry a little.

Now, wait.

Trust your Uncle Tom.

He'll come running, you'll see.

Oh, just imagine that moment,
Sally. The bliss of the reunion.

How can any man resist your
lovely innocent eyes, your...

Your yearning look. A
man's heart must melt.

Come on. That boy's in danger.

Sally.

- Oh, Tom.
- Potter.

Oh, hello, Sergeant. How
nice of you to drop in.

I don't need help with
this little case you know.

Run along and phone now, Sally.

Well, better get back on
the old beat, I s'pose.

Put it on.

Help. Help. Oh, help.

I say constable, I know
you'll think I'm an

awfully silly girl, but
I've lost my pussy.

The name's Fluff

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Fluff.

That's the cat's name.

The cat's name? So
sorry, silly me.

When did you last see Fluff?

Oh, only a moment ago, I was
bringing him back from the vet.

The catch on the basket must have
been loose and he jumped out.

In here, up there.

I see, Madam. Just leave
everything to me.

I just couldn't get up there, in

this skirt. Oh look,
do be careful.

Don't be alarmed, Madam.

Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff,
where's the naughty pussycat?

Fluff? Ah, there you are.

Oh, naughty ill-mannered
pussy. Not to spit at

Uncle Timothy. Now don't
go away. Stay there.

Fluff, don't go up
there Come down.

Fluff. Fluff. Come
down. Fluff. Oh, you

naughty pussy. Where
are you now? Fluff.

Fluff, Fluff, Fluff.
Ah, there you are.

Now, how am I going
to get you down?

I know this'll frighten you. Now.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

There's a good Fluff.

Help. Help.

Oh, my goodness.

Help.

Stop, stop. Oh, stop. Stop, stop.

What is it, Madam?

A policeman. I think he just
shot to the top of the tower.

Was he wearing glasses?

- Yes.
- Thank you Madam. Here we go.

Help.

HELP.

Call these reports? I've never
seen anything like 'em in me life.

Look at this one. I
thought I heard a murder.

Heard a murder, I ask you.
You ever smelt a burglary?

Yes, sir I have, when a
scent store got broke into.

Yes, all right, all right.

You could smell it up the street.

She looked as if she was
thinking of crossing the road.

How do you know what
anyone's thinking?

Might have been thinking of buying
a pair of thicker knickers.

I pulled the rope and flew
into the air, like Peter Pan.

You mean Peter Pan's
great aunt, don't you?

The young lady was in the bath.

You were looking through
the keyhole, I suppose?

Oh no sir, the door wasn't locked.

Well what have you got to say
for yourselves, anything?

Yes sir, I want a transfer.

Do you really. To
Scotland Yard, I presume?

Yes, I joined the force
to prevent crime,

not to be assaulted by
demented old women.

My speciality is
Forensic Physiognomy,

and I feel my proper place
is in the Photographic

Records Department
of Scotland Yard.

Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.

Please, don't mention
loaves to me.

Benson, please.

It's all very well for
you, mate. Let me

tell you something.
I was boshed o...

Might I be permitted to say
a word at this juncture?

Of course, sir.

When I was a young
constable, we were

fined for being one
minute late. Right?

Right sir.

We weren't allowed
to go to our own

front doors in our
shirtsleeves. Right?

Right sir.

Seems immaterial to me, how
you answer the front door,

as long as you're capable
of doing your job properly.

Benson.

I'll handle this
thank you, Wilkins.

I've been watching you
and listening to you

very carefully, Benson,
and you have a future.

Thank you, sir.

Selling lace table mats.

But regarding your ability
as a policeman...

I personally wouldn't
send you down

to the corner of
the street for me,

to buy a bag of aniseed balls.

You stupid constable.
Do I make myself clear?

Crystal. Pardon?

No one could accuse you of
not being explicit, sir.

Thank you.

However, your misreading of my

potential is sublime
in its totality.

Get them out of here,
Wilkins. Get 'em out.

Right, sir. All right, dismissed.

Straighten yourselves out there.

Sergeant, huh. You stand
there like a dummy.

You're unable to
control this rabble.

I thought you said you
could handle them, sir.

The sooner you're
transferred Sergeant

Wilkins, the better
for all concerned.

Yes sir. Now don't you honestly
think that us old-timers

ought to have a little more
patience with these youngsters?

Gaw. When I joined my first
station at Sidcup North...

Here we go again.

We had a sergeant there,
he didn't stop to enquire

whether we were
greenhorns or old sweats.

We had to be on the
ball the whole time.

I've seen some of the
young lads there sobbing

their hearts out there
in the wash house.

Least I think that's
what they were doing.

Sergeant Wilkins.

I'm sorry.

And as for that
inspector, he was a

holy terror. I
remember him saying...

Roll on my pension.

Going on patrol, Sergeant.

Right, Passworthy.

Why aren't you typing?

My fingers hurt. Can
I do something else?

I don't know. Can you?

Come in.

Oh, you.

Yes, sir. Sergeant Wilkins sent me
sir. Said you wanted a constable.

So I did, and look what I've got.

Shall I go then sir?

Ye... No, look, I've
got a very complex

coordinated report
to make out here

and I need some assistance.
My secretary's off.

Flu?

No, having a baby.

Makes a change.

Well not for her. It's her fourth.

Oh, honestly sir.
Some of these girls

you've only got to sneeze at them.

Look, you didn't come here
to talk about my secretary.

You're a distracting
personality, Potter.

Sorry, sir.

Well you will be if
you don't concentrate

Yes, sir.

What do I have to
concentrate on, sir?

Yes, well I've finished
with those. Burn 'em.

Sir.

Potter. What?

Not those. But you
told me to, sir.

They're my consolidated notes.
Oh Potter, I'm on fire.

No you're not sir, but...

You're jolly nearly. Jolly
lucky escape, this.

The carpet. Get the
water. Don't panic.

Stand clear, sir.

Potter.

Morning, Officer.

Yes, sir?

Reporting.

What for?

For myself.

Why? The terms of my release.

From prison? How exciting, I've
never met a real criminal before.

Who do you think you're
calling a criminal?

Just a minute. Ah, bone
structure. I can tell

you're going straight.
I'm sure of that.

There are signs, you know.

You'd er... trust me?

Unhesitatingly. With my life.

Constable, you don't know what it
feels like to be trusted again.

To meet someone like
you, could make

all the difference
in the world to me.

I know, that's my entire
purpose. My whole point.

I want to help, not persecute
and punish. Now if...

Exactly. Well, er... take my case.

My father's estate
is worth £492,000.

By rights, it's mine. Yet
our family solicitor,

who's never liked me, has had it
tied up in chancery for years.

Now, if I could only get hold
of £50 for legal expenses,

I'd be able to make a case of it.

£50. That's all that stands
between me and my inheritance.

£50. I've got just that
in the Post Office.

Earning 2.5%?

If you lend it to me,
I could give you

5,000 when I win the
case, that's 500%.

Oh, far too generous. I'd feel
I was taking advantage of you.

Believe me, you're
not. Is it a deal?

Done.

You're being done
all right Benson.

Meet Herbert Hall, the craftiest

confidence trickster
outside the knick.

Sorry son, I wouldn't
have taken your money.

But somehow I couldn't resist
you. You're such a born mug.

It's written all
over you. There are

signs, you know, bone structure.

What a nerve. Coming
in here and trying

a thing like that on
me, a policeman.

Policeman. Look son,
you haven't got

the taste of the chin strap yet.

There we are. That's
a good job done.

I certainly feel like
a cup of char now.

I'm sure you do, but
you're not through yet

Oh, no. All them
hours bashing away

and the carbon's the
wrong way round.

Well?

Thanks, Wilkie. Thank goodness
Mills has gone off this afternoon.

What do you mean this afternoon?
He's been off for months.

How's that Passworthy
girl shaping?

She's shaped.

A weights and measures,
a road safety and a

breach of the peace, all
on her first patrol.

When's she bringing
in Jack the Ripper?

Strange that the only
efficient rookie's a woman.

Oh, I wouldn't say
that. Potter's on

a job right now
that must go right.

I mean after all
the landed gentry,

they're all good with dogs.

Oh, heel, heel, heel. Good
dog, good dog, good dog.

I'm frightfully sor... Sir.

Let me help you out. Ah.

Me, who hasn't had a
cold for 23 years,

Wilkins. Now go and get
Potter, I'm going to...

Now calm down sir.
You'll only send your

temperature up and
you'll feel worse

There you go again Wilkins.

Protecting these
incompetent nincompoops

from the consequences
of their own...

Now leave it to me sir.
I'll tell him off.

Why don't you take a
few days sick leave?

And what would happen to
this station, without me?

I'd rather not say, sir.

I will not have them go out
unless they're accompanied,

by someone compos
mentis to go with them.

Even though we're
understaffed, sir?

Those are my orders, Wilkins.
You always want to argue.

What a stinker I've got. What
about Potter, has he got a...?

No, sir, not a sniff.

The injustice of it.

Why don't you look on
the bright side, sir.

You know, you think
of all the times

you've torn a strip off
certain constables

and said they couldn't
even catch a cold.

Now you could say that to Potter
and be right. For the first time.

Morning, Constable.

Good morning, Sergeant Moon.

Let's not beat about the bush.

All right.

You're in love with
Passworthy, yes or no?

Supposing I am, what's
it to do with you?

I'm concerned with the
efficiency of the force.

You in a daze, her wondering
why you're in a daze

means two units of personnel at
less than maximum efficiency.

The sooner you two get sorted out
the better for the force. Right?

Right.

Well then, do something about it.

Can't.

I can't till I know
whether she's a Virgo.

I beg your pardon?

Astrology. You see
my horoscope says

I stand my best chance of romantic
happiness with a Virgo subject.

So I've got to know
her birthday. I can't

make a move. It's vital,
it's significant.

It's here.

Would you like me to look it up?

Passworthy, Gloria.

Gloria.

Date of birth. August the 24th.

Virgo.

Ooh, Gloria.

I'm so happy to be out
on patrol with you.

Oh, do stop that. It's
not good for a police

officer to be seen
chortling on patrol.

Quite right. Must
be more dignified.

Ho, ho.

What is the matter with you?

I can't help it, I'm happy.

I'm about to become an efficient
unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...

Constable, kindly
address me properly

and... don't look at me like that.

Right, Policewoman Passworthy.

But listen to me. You've
got to listen to me.

I'm happy and I want to make you
happy too, my dear... Policewoman.

I love you, Policewoman
Passworthy. I'm crazy about you.

I couldn't tell you because of the
stars, Policewoman, my sweetheart.

The stars, you see.
Instinct can be

misleading, but the stars, never.

And they say that it's all
right, Policewoman Passworthy.

Oh, do return my love, Policewoman
Passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh.

Kindly get that vehicle
off the road, Madam.

Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed
up with being cooped up like this.

Treating us like children.
It's humiliating.

We're not allowed out
on our own today,

Inspector's orders, and there's
nothing we can do about it.

Oh yes there is. We can
show that inspector

he couldn't even
inspect gas metres.

Absolutely splendid, but how?

Come with me, out the back way.

We daren't.

Dare nothing, achieve
nothing. You with me?

Yes, Benson. Come on, then.

Right.

Do you say this is
the department where

most of the trouble
occurs? Isn't it?

Dreadful. What with our
being so busy now,

and so many of our
assistants away with flu.

Ideal conditions for
shoplifting, in fact.

And for observation too.

Yes, exactly. Just
leave this to us, sir.

Gladly, but excuse me I
hardly think anyone's likely

to steal something while two
policemen marching about.

Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought
of that. Had you, Benson?

Yes... yes of course I have.

We shall require, sir, just
a little help from you.

Get out of the way.

Do you know, I haven't
done this since

I was in the Army,
at a camp concert.

This is no laughing matter, Gorse.

I say, you mustn't call me that.
Not when we're on special duty.

Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.

Thank you and I shall call
you... Now let me see...

Call me Ethel. It was
my grandma's name.

If Grandmama could see you
now, she'd be so proud.

Well, to work, to work.

Are you ready, Agatha?

If you are, Ethel.

Let's go.

Do you have to keep
your glasses on?

Why? You don't look pretty enough.

Well really. You're no
Brigitte Bardot either.

There's no need to shout.

And there's no need to
make personal remarks.

I beg your pardon, Agatha.

Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.

Can I help you, ladies?

Young girl, we are not
ladies, we are policemen.

Special investigation.
Carry on working as usual.

Alice, the manager, quick. Gone
out? Well, all right, get anyone.

Sir? There are a couple
of loonies up here.

Pretend to look at these.
Look at her, that's

criminal type if ever
I saw one. Watch.

Did you see that? Can I tell
at a glance or can I not?

The brazen hussy.
Let's apprehend her.

No, wait.

To make a shoplifting
charge stick, you must

challenge the suspect
outside the store.

But of course. Come on, then.

Hello. Hello sir, they're leaving.

Just a moment, Madam.

Show us your girdle.

I beg your pardon?

Did you deny that
you took a girdle

from that store without paying?

Now, ladies, please.

Aha. The corpus delicti.

Name and address please,
we're the police.

Prove it.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's a mistake. A
dreadful mistake.

They all say that. Name?

I am the Lady Mayoress
of this Borough,

and I have an account
at this store.

- A likely...
- An account.

- These are the two.
- I see.

- Now what's all the fuss about?
- There's been a mistake.

Oh yes, they all say that.
We call it stealing.

- Cripes.
- Stealing.

Fetch the police.

Wait, you fool, we are the police.

Ask the manager.
Hasn't he told you.

No he hasn't. He's gone out.
You better come quietly.

Our uniforms, there in the
ladies... changing room.

A likely story. Come along now.

Gorse, run for it.

Wait a moment.

Now Potter, you've got to try
and pull yourself together.

Yes, Sergeant.

Every single thing you've done
up to now has been a mess.

- Yes, Sergeant.
- Hello, Constable.

Hello, Mrs May. Oh,
jolly good show.

All due to you, dear boy.

Potter. Are you listening?

Yes, Sergeant.

Well you're lucky
you're not on report.

- Good morning. Hello.
- Will you pay attention Potter

Whatever you have been
associated with has gone wrong.

- Yes, Sergeant.
- You've gotta watch it.

Hello.

Hello, Miss Barry.
Eric, I presume.

How do you do. I
want to thank you.

Oh, not at all. Not at all.

We've got a flat.

- And we're buying furniture.
- Contemporary.

Only if you want it, Eric.

I want what you want, darling.

In that case, name
him Tom after me.

Well, almost everything
you've touched

seems to have been
screwed up. Come on.

I don't know how many times
I've got to tell you...

And there I was. 17 yobs
in that pub there were.

All standing round there,
watching, waiting.

So I took off my duty armlet...

Yes, Sergeant.

And I said "Right,
I'm off duty now."

"anybody cares to come outside,
I'll take you on, one at a time."

What happened Sergeant?

They knocked my head off.

Let that be a lesson
to you. Never take

your duty armlet off
at the wrong time...

That van shouldn't be there.

Obstruction?

Wages?

Look.

Can you drive? Rather.

After them.

Potter.

Did you get their number?

Afraid not.

Paper. Paper. Wage
thieves get £100,000.

I'm putting you all
on official report.

Have you got anything to say?

Yes, sir.

I didn't ask you,
thank you Sergeant.

If I had my way, I'd
suspend the whole

lot of you from duty immediately.

Unfortunately, it's
out of my hands.

It's got to come from higher up.

But I tell you what I will do.

I'll send you all out
today in pairs, so

that you can watch
each other's step.

And my report goes in
sharp at 3 o'clock.

That's all, Sergeant.

Dismissed.

And as for you, Sergeant
Wilkins, this is

the limit. I'm applying
for your transfer.

Yes, sir. Now what
about these boys.

They're only beginners, you know.

Still trying to protect
them. Why? Now I want a

straight answer this time,
and that's an order.

All right sir. I'll
give you an answer.

I have been in the
force a long time,

but I still remember
the bloomers that I

made when I was also
as green as grass.

What's that got to do with it?

It's got everything to do with it.

Sir.

Ah, what's the use?

I don't believe in
wet-nursing them either,

but I do believe that we should

forget about the
rule book sometimes,

particularly when it's
an emergency like this.

And that, sir, is all.

And that, Sergeant, is
quite enough. Now if you

don't mind, I'll get on
with writing my report.

Sir.

And you.

Don't worry, it may never happen.

It has happened, I'm on me way.

Oh, I'll miss you. You're
a very fine colleague.

Thanks, Laura.

You've never called
me that before.

I have, hundreds of times.

No you haven't.

You know something?

What? All of a sudden, I'm
gonna' miss you, too.

Do you really mean that, Frank?

Now you've never
called me that before.

I've wanted to hundreds of times.

Well how about that.
All this time I didn't

even know that you
thought I was alive.

Ah, what's the use.
In a couple of days,

he'll have me posted
miles away to some

dead-and-alive hole helping
cows across the village street.

It's a scandal. An officer
of your experience being

sacrificed for the incompetence
of that conniving little...

Oh, I asked for it. I
can't complain, I've

had my say. I've had
a run for me money.

But, Frank...

So how's the roster
going then? You still

trying to get a quart
into a pint pot?

Something like that.

Let's see if we can work
something out together.

All right. Let's do that.

Supposing we made a lot of
arrests during the day.

Do you think we'd make old
Mills change his mind.

What mind?

Oh, Benson, we've got to do
something, I need this job.

Motorists, I bet we could bag
a dozen if we really tried.

That wouldn't help,
Potter. We're for

it, and that's all there is to it.

Benson. Benson, old man, the car.

What car? You mean the thieves'
car? How could you possibly know?

Yesterday you couldn't
even describe it.

Dent on rear left mudguard.
Suddenly, it all came back to me.

Potter, I beg you.
This is a critical

moment in our careers.
Are you sure?

Positive.

Right.

This doesn't prove anything,
except they dumped it here.

Oh gosh, that's
right. They must be

well away by now.
Out of the country.

No, wait Potter. That's
exactly what they want

us to believe. That they're
out of the country.

The cunning bounders.
What'll we do?

I've got it. I know exactly where
those crooks are hiding out.

Benson, where?

Here, in this very area.

Of course, they want us
to put out a nationwide

search, when all the
time they're...

Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.

Brilliant. I have
to hand it to you.

But we're not handing it to anyone
else. Now listen, this is ours.

We need the kudos of
capturing them by 3 o'clock.

Capturing them. Oh lord,
if only we could.

You call the station. Only
tell them about the car.

They'll have it towed to
the yard for a lab test.

I'll get Charlie and Gorse off the
beat and we'll meet you back here.

- Roger.
- Right

Police station.
Yes, Potter. Right.

They found the car in Church Road.

Sergeant, they've found the car.

Sir, they've found the car.

Then take it away
from them, before

they smother it with fingerprints.

All right Sarge, I'm on my way.

Police station. Can I help...

Right, now we can get cracking.

No we can't, don't be ridiculous.

We'll never find them, beside
the omens are all against us.

Oh, shut up about your omens.

Gorse, have you thought of
anywhere they might be hiding?

Why yes. There's a street
not far from here.

It's full of tatty lodging
houses, awful thoroughfare.

Well, what's it called?

Well it's known locally as the
street of a thousand mouse-holes.

Follow me.

150 houses checked
and not a sausage.

I told you this was a wild-goose
chase, didn't I. The omens...

If you say one more word
about the supernatural...

Now look here,

You cannot silence the
voice of truth with

empty threats, Benson.
I told you, all of you

that this assignment was doomed
from the moment we arrived.

And now we're done. Done
proper. Done crisp.

Halt and hush a moment.
Look yonder. That house,

been empty for years. They're
going to pull it down.

If it doesn't fall down first.

Gentlemen, look rather
more closely. There.

It could be.

Oh, never. Somebody just backed
in to turn around. That's all.

We've simply got to check on it.

I'm game. Come on then.

You and your
mastermind. I told you

we was crazy to hide out here.

Tired of the stately
home already, are you?

Am I.

Then how about leaving. Very
soon, in coppers' uniforms.

Ah.

Oh.

Sshh.

Yes, all right.

Really, do you have to? Ooh.

Beg pardon.

Help.

All right, boys, scrub the
uniforms. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I've got him. I've got him.

Why you, come back
here. Come back.

You fool.

Ridiculous. The whole
thing's absurd.

Actually, the real turning
point, was when I found

out that your birthday
was August the 24th.

August? Whatever
gave you that idea?

You... you mean that you're...?

Passworthy, switchboard.

Yes, Sergeant.

Sergeant, you told
me August the 24th.

Oh, well, does it
make any difference?

Surely you're not
that superstitious?

Superstitious?

Me?

Just one moment.
Connecting you now, sir.

Hello.

Listen.

Oh hello, Chief Constable.

Hello Mills. Well you've certainly
shown you can inspire recruits.

Well thank you, sir.

So much so, I've decided to
transfer you immediately,

to the area college in charge
of morale and discipline.

I don't know what to say, sir.

Tell Sergeant Wilkins to take
over the station, will you Mills.

Temporarily, sir, of course?

No, he's being promoted
to Inspector at once.

I'm so glad, sir. He's
just the man for the job.

Goodbye, Mills.

Goodbye, sir, and thank you.

I want everybody in
here immediately,

I've got some news for you.

All right, line up
behind Thurston.

Attention.

What this station
needs is a bot of

discipline. Right
turn. Quick march.

Harrison.

Potter.

Oh, yes, sir.