Carry On Constable (1960) - full transcript

With a flu epidemic running rife, three new bumbling recruits are assigned to Inspector Mills police station. With help from Special Constable Gorse, they manage to totally wreck the operations of the police force and let plenty of criminals get away, even before they arrive at the station. They all have to prove themselves or else they'll be out of a job and Sergeant Wilkins will be transferred. Sub-plots include romances between Wilkins and Moon, Constable and Passworthy.

Flu epidemic at peak. Paper.

Thousands away from work. Paper.

His mudguard smashed against

my hand. Like this.

Constable, this is really

important. Of national importance.

Now just a moment please.

You say it's your right

You were walking with

your back to the car?

- Well, what if I was?

- You shouldn't have been.

Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous

driving just the same,

and I'd like to

report... Sedition.

Just a minute, all of you.

Six down with flu now.

Difficult days, Sergeant?

Yes, sir, very difficult

for some of us.

What do you mean, some of us?

Difficult for all of us, in'it.

Well for those of us

who has to carry on.

It can't be difficult

for those who have flu.

They're in bed in

the section house.

I don't get your

meaning, Sergeant.

All I'm saying is, that

these are difficult

times for those of

us who have flu.

No, you said these are difficult

times for those of

us who haven't...

Who haven't got flu.

Yes, you're right.

Yes. I'm sorry... Anyway look...

There's too much arguing goes on

here and it's bad for discipline.

And discipline has been bad

in this station lately.

Now, I've warned you once, haven't

I. I shan't warn you again.

Yes, sir, this time

it's final... again.

Would you like to

see my shubunkin?

If it'll give you

any satisfaction.

That's him with the

three stripes up. Or

her. What about that

plain one there?

What the copper?

I'm hoping that's the opposite

of what the other one was.

Haven't got much room, have they?

They don't need much room

you know, for, er...

Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer

them to a garden pond.

Who's gonna dig that for you, sir?

I see. I am.

Hard work never hurt

anyone, Wilkie.

Yes, I feel very well myself.

Do you. You surprise me.

Anyway look, let's

see that my orders

concisely given are

smartly carried out.

Yes, sir.

Well, go on, what are

you waiting for?

You haven't given me an

order yet, sir. What?

You asked me to come and see you

about the replacements, sir.

I did? On account of

the flu epidemic, sir.

Yes, all right, all

right, you thought

I'd forgotten it, didn't you?

Three temporary replacements.

Three.

From the police

school. Anyway, chase

them. Show 'em what discipline is.

After all, these men

are volunteers.

You've only got to

start giving them half

a rousing and they

hand in their notice.

Well, don't argue, get on

with it. But remember my

warning. If there's not

a change around here...

I'm going to ask for

you to be transferred.

Yes, sir. Thank you

very much, sir.

What if I was?

Well you shouldn't have been.

Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous

driving just the same

and I want to report... Sedition.

Well, Sergeant Moon,

it's happened.

Threatened to

transfer you, has he?

That crafty little... If you

weren't a lady, I'd say it.

If you weren't a gentleman,

I'd expect you to.

What a marvellous

technique he's got.

Shove all the work onto the

sergeant. Then when it

looks like the sergeant's

gonna' get credit for it

chase the sergeant from

ear'oles to breakfast time,

panic him into making

a mistake, moan to

HQ and Bingo. The

sergeant's transferred.

Sergeant Wilkins, Can you

lend me a hand here please.

Coming. Excuse me.

Look, all I want is my

provisional driving licence.

Post office.

About time we had a few

purges in this country.

I was here before him.

It's my neighbour's

radio. He plays it too

loud. Drives me crackers.

What can I do?

Move. Next. Stick it, Thurston.

Relief's coming.

Replacements, Sergeant?

Three. Three keen, alert, helpful

raring-to-go constables. I hope.

Hurry up. It's

nearly closing time.

Good afternoon.

Just a moment. Could you possibly

direct me to the police station?

Certainly. Just cross over and

it's up there on the left.

Thanks awfully. I'm

round new here.

So sorry to have delayed you.

That's quite all right.

Any luck? Rather.

Thank goodness. All this trampling

about. My feet are killing me.

What a nice fellow. He

said it's this way.

Now what?

A cross-eyed man

crossing our path.

Cor. Shocking bad luck.

Utter twaddle. Primitive

superstition.

You may sneer if you

wish, Benson, but I

know that cosmic

forces rule our lives.

And a cross-eyed man, seen when

the moon is in its third quarter,

it's just about the worst

omen there is, that is.

It means two misfortunes.

You can tempt fate

if you like mate,

but I'm not crossing

this road here.

That's one misfortune.

That's two misfortunes.

All right, we can cross now.

Thanks, chaps.

I'll have a constable

to you right away.

Why? Want to make a

male-voice quartet?

Ssh.

Sergeant. It's our replacements.

Welcome. Welcome.

What a lovely sight, Thurston?

Not half, Sergeant.

At ease, at ease.

I'm Benson. This is

Constable Potter

and this is Constable Constable.

Who?

Charlie Constable.

Oh I get it, that's your name?

Yeah, and I'm fed up with it.

Everybody keeps taking the mickey.

Nobody will do that here,

Constable Constable.

I'm very pleased to here

it, Sergeant Sergeant.

Yes.

Well then let's here

all about you then.

What delayed you then Couldn't you

find your way to the station?

That's right.

Sense of humour? Well that's

good. You need that in this job.

So you're just out of police

school, are you? How'd you do?

Frightfully fit, thanks Sergeant.

No, how did you do at school?

Horrible.

You're pulling my leg,

aren't you? You didn't

really do badly at school?

Tell me you didn't.

Well Sergeant, we did pass.

Only just. In my case,

it was sheer prejudice.

The instructors... instructors.

Hopelessly old-fashioned.

All uniformly hostile to my

advanced forensic theories.

That had nothing to do with it.

Sergeant, on the

day of the finals,

a black cat fell off the roof.

And Mars was in conjunction

with Uranus at the time.

I ask you, Sergeant. How

could we possibly do well?

Approximately 100

trainees did very well.

Well they must have been under

the influence of "Pisces".

Oh, "Pisces" yourself.

You septic.

The word is sceptic,

you ignoramus.

Boys, boys. Don't get so rattled.

After all, exam results aren't

everything. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

You just put us on the

beat, Sergeant. We'll

show the school instructors

a thing or two.

That's the spirit. Now

the first thing you...

Sergeant, jewellery-shop

robbery off the Main

Street. Subjects picked

up outside our area.

Yes lovely. Get on with it.

Sergeant, when apprehended,

they were in hysterics.

Psychopaths. Fascinating.

Nutcases. Very sad. When you...

No Sergeant, they was

laughing because

they thought it was

worth a stretch...

To be helped into their car not 20

yards from the crime

by a constable.

A posh talking fellow

with a little moustache.

What'd I tell you. Nutcases.

There's no constable

answering to that

description stationed...

I... Them? Robbers?

The wall-eyed man.

What wall-eyed man?

An omen, I knew it was an omen.

Mark my words, Jupiter's

behind all this.

Jupiter?

Jupiter.

- Now are you convinced?

- No, I'm not.

If you think the sight of

a cock-eyed pedestrian

can possibly make Potter any

more congenitally stupid

than he already is. You're

very much mistaken.

Benson, step outside.

Yeah, step outside. Delighted.

Just a minute, just a

minute. Look here.

Hello.

Hello, Gorse.

Sorry I'm late Sergeant, but I

just couldn't leave home without

bringing something bright and gay

for the poor

indisposed constables.

So it was off to my

greenhouse, and with a little

snip here, a little snip

there... snip, snip

and here we are with my love.

Oh, what have I said? With my

very best floral greetings.

Thank you, Gorse. Here,

do something with those.

Now then, since you weren't

strictly on duty at

the time of the crime,

we'll forget about it.

A crime? Goody. Where?

Well you see, I was

going down the road...

I think we forget about it. I want

you to meet Special

Constable Gorse.

Benson. How do you do?

Him.

How do you do?

Potter. How do you do?

And how do you do?

And now you shall all meet Bobby,

my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he the quaintest thing? I

just couldn't leave him behind.

Yes well, Gorse will be

working full time with us

as from today, on account

of this flu trouble.

You'll all sleep together.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Harrison.

Yes, Sergeant.

Show these constables to

their quarters, please.

Certainly. This way.

With you, anywhere.

Flu or no flu, I

take it we get some

time off, Policewoman Harrison.

How do you like to spend it?

Cinema, dancing, or just talking?

Ooh.

A dog. Symbol of Pluto.

The darkest, most evil

planet of them all.

Oh, crikey.

Oh, dry up. What's that

animal doing here?

She's a police dog, of course.

Her handler's off with flu.

Why wasn't that dog

tied up in his kennel?

What you been noshing,

aniseed balls?

Don't tell her off,

Sergeant. She's very

affectionate. I think

she's taken to me.

Harrison, get these

men out of here.

Yes, Sergeant.

Come on, Lady, this

way. Lady, this way.

Lady.

Sergeant Wilk...

When you can spare a moment.

It'd be rather fun

to spend our off

time together,

Policewoman Harrison?

We might get better acquainted,

hey Policewoman Harrison.

I can't keep calling you

that, it's such a mouthful.

What do your friends call you?

Policewoman Harrison.

Oh that's a nice name. My name's

Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.

This is it.

This is our accommodation?

All that's available. The men are

off sick are in their rooms.

I don't like it. There's

an old saying, it says...

spend your first night in a

strange bed below ground level...

and bad luck will haunt you

straight from the devil.

There are the keys.

Sort yourselves out

and report back to

Sergeant Wilkins.

Yes, sir. Bless you.

Policewoman Harrison.

Yes, what is it? I'm busy.

Not too busy to get

acquainted, I hope?

I'll think about it.

Don't take too long.

I say chaps, I think I'm

going to like it here.

Like it here. How can

you say that, Potter?

With all the omens

stacked up against us

like a wall of doom.

I've warned you...

Yes, yes, we know. When Mars

is in conjunction with Uranus

it's gonna be a bumpy

night. Come on.

I never said that.

You sent for us, Sergeant.

And here we are.

Keen, aren't you? Rather.

Right, we'll put you

to work right away.

Gorse, you patrol area

five, till relieved.

Benson, I've got something

special for you.

Sergeant, on my first day, too.

This way.

Willy.

Willy.

Police.

Oh.

Police. Police.

Dull Coppers.

Get out of my way, you

fool, I want a policeman.

Madam, I am a policeman.

So you are. Oh, thank heavens.

What a blessed release.

It's my little boy, officer,

he's gone. Find my little Willy.

Madam. Panic not. I must

have your full particulars.

Oh, hurry up then, do. Have

pity on a mother's agony.

Madam, I assure you I

shall have him back

here before you can

say Jack Robinson...

Where you been. You

perishing little

stop-out. Giving me

a turn like that.

I'll skin you alive.

Madam, you've no...

You shut up and buzz off and mind

your own business, bluebottle.

I'll tell your dad. He

won't half have your guts.

I say, Madam, wait.

Lady.

Heel, Lady, heel. Heel.

Lady, wait.

Lady, wait. Lady, come back.

Lady. Lady.

Lady.

Oh.

Oh, where's the doggy gone?

Confound the creature. I've

done myself an injury.

I nearly broke my neck.

- Have you studied it?

- Ok Yes.

All right, first question.

Ready? Right.

What's the shortest

route between Waverly

Square and the south end

of the High Street?

I don't know, I'm a

stranger here myself.

Let's be serious, shall we?

Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh

sometimes, or even smile?

Life's a serious

business my friend.

The powerful forces of destiny...

If only you knew the

world's most powerful

force is the sparkle

in a popsy's eyes.

Oh please. Let's study our routes.

I'm only interested

in one. The route

to Policewoman Harrison's heart.

Yes. Thank you, goodbye.

WPC Passworthy,

Sergeant. Reporting

on temporary attachment.

Oh.

As a connoisseur of

police personalities,

let me state that I

have never before

been arrested with

such charm. Never.

I salute her.

You mean you arrested Mrs

May on your way here?

I wasn't yet on station strength,

Sergeant, I know, but

I was in uniform.

I was called to the

public house, The Coach

and Horses by a barman

with a bleeding head.

Yes well, I can imagine

the circumstances.

Mrs May is a regular

customer of ours.

Oh, charming. You're

all so charming.

Ok, Passworthy, you did well.

Good start. I'll charge her.

Usual? Drunk?

And disorderly.

Take her to the cells,

they're just...

I can find my own way,

thank you Sergeant.

Ah, you see. You watch

out, Sergeant. She'll

have your job from

you within the week.

Bye now.

I usually have that

nice cell with the

southern exposure,

Policewoman Passworthy.

My dear girl, for you

to trouble to take me

any further. I know my

way perfectly well.

No trouble, Mrs May, it's my job.

Aha-ha. Me old

friend, number five.

You really ought to be ashamed

of yourself at this time of day.

If you're referring to

the fact that I had

eight or nine brandies

to help my digestion...

and also to the fact that

that crude fellow of

a barman insulted me

by asking me to leave.

Well all I can say

is that I did what

any lady would do in

the circumstances.

I hit him on the head

with a siphon soda.

Well, just settle down and behave

yourself, Mrs May. Sleep it off.

I don't like your tone, my

girl, I don't like it at all.

I'm going to write to my

close friend, the Home

Secretary about you.

Overwrought I may be.

To hear you go on,

anyone would think

I was seeing things. Not nice.

Heavens, I'm seeing things.

Look, in that cell, policemen.

Now, Mrs May, I can see them, too.

Who heard of policemen in a cell?

Fetch a doctor from Harley Street.

No, keep away. I swear

I'll never touch another

drop as long as I

live. I swear, never.

Come back here, Mrs May. Look,

see, they're real policemen.

I grant you they may

not look it, but...

Do you mind?

Oh, it speaks.

Please, Mrs May.

How do you do Mrs May?

My name's Potter.

No, not one of the

Hertfordshire Potters?

Oh yes, I'm the

youngest son, Thomas.

My dear boy, how delightful.

I came out with your mother.

Did you? You never told me

your mum had been inside.

Now look, if I can do

anything to help both of you

in your career, I should

be only too delighted

because I'm a close personal

friend of the Home Secretary...

and I... We know.

But you're also very tired.

You'd better get a kip, Madam.

Kip? Oh, kip.

Yes, well, perhaps I will.

Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.

Policewoman Passworthy.

I say, when's

Policewoman Harrison

next off duty?

Right now. She's off with

flu. I'm her replacement.

Oh, what a shame.

Poor old Harrison.

Still, life must go on I

suppose. I hate going

to the flicks on my own.

Would you care to...?

I am here to work.

This is my first

assignment since training school

and I intend to work

and work and work.

I hope that's clear.

Now I suggest that you get on with

whatever you're

supposed to be doing.

Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm

familiarising myself with the...

prominent points around here.

She's beautiful.

Policewoman Passworthy. Beautiful.

Nicely stacked. Passworthy,

interesting name.

Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You

know, she's too regimental, too...

Charlie, you mean you?

You've seen the old

sparkle at last? Oh

congratulations, I never

thought I'd see the day.

Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.

What? You don't understand.

You see, I can't.

Of course you can. There's

always the first time.

No, no, no. I can't. I've got

to be very careful with girls.

Who hasn't?

There you go, taking the

mickey. I knew you would...

No, I'm not honestly, Charlie,

honestly. What's your problem?

You won't take the mickey?

Those boys. Those dear boys.

Thank you for being so real.

You were saying. Ssh.

Not now. Let her sleep.

I suppose that dog will find

its way back all right?

Oh yes. Lady's

absolutely marvellous.

Not the adjective I'd

have chosen. However.

You know the local regular police

staff quite well I take it?

Yes, I do. A fine body of men.

By which you mean they're

mentally constipated I suppose?

Why do you say that?

Because Criminology

is in its infancy and

infantile minds are

in charge of it.

Really? Yes, really.

What is the true function

of a policeman on his beat?

Erm... to catch criminals.

No, to prevent crime.

Easy to say.

Easy to do if you know

how. If you study.

Study what? Physiognomy.

I'm not altogether with you.

Neither were the

instructors at the school.

There are signs you see, in the

face. If you know

what to look for.

I can tell at a glance if a man

is of criminal inclination.

Good heavens, how

very useful. Useful.

Don't you realise that

if all that stuff

we were taught at the

school was scrapped,

if every constable was

taught Forensic Physiognomy,

it'd revolutionise

police practise.

That's what I'm interested in.

Not a lot of hide-bound tripe

and taking dogs for walks.

We're stuck with all

this old-fashioned muck.

I'm most terribly sorry

officer. I do beg your

pardon. I was thinking

of something else.

Yes, that's quite all right, sir.

Go on, then, do it on him.

What ever do you mean?

You know.

Physi-what-you-ma-call-it.

Do it on that man.

On him? He's as honest

as the day is long.

I say. Can you really tell

that quickly as that?

Yes, at a glance.

Of course, one has

to study. It means

years of research.

But then as I say, the signs

always show in a criminal's face.

Turned rather chilly all

of a sudden, hasn't it?

Do you think you've got flu?

That man. He pinched my braces.

Morning, Bobby. Ready for

brekkers? Uncle's coming.

Ow.

Naughty rude, quiet...

naughty rude Bobby.

Laughing because

poor Uncle Timothy

hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.

Wakey, wakey.

Rise and shine.

Up and out.

Must you make that flaming row?

Restrain yourself.

I know someone who didn't get out

of the right side of their bed.

All ready, then?

Come on, turn it on.

Oh, I'm frightfully

sorry, I remember now.

It only comes on hot

at certain times.

You maniac.

We'll all catch... flu.

Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, really.

Disgraceful. One of

the Hertfordshire

Potters. It's utterly disgraceful.

Well you did ask for a cell

with a southern exposure.

No time like the present, Charlie.

Go to it. Remember,

delay is fatal.

Hello there.

Good morning, Constable Constable.

My name's Charlie.

Charles, actually

It's against regulations for

us to be as familiar as that.

Didn't you learn anything

at your training school?

Yes, I did Policewoman

Passworthy. I

learned what constitutes

an obstruction,

Parking regulations,

rules of evidence.

I came out top with me truncheon.

Well that's a great comfort

to us all, I'm sure.

Please, Policewoman Passworthy,

what's your birthday?

My what? Your birthday. I

must know. It's vital to me.

You see I can't take a

single step until...

You take a few steps over to

inspection and don't be so silly.

No, please, tell me.

You don't understand,

I can't do a thing before I...

Here comes the Sergeant. Go away.

Oh, dear.

Good morning, Sergeant.

Good morning.

I notice Sergeant that I'm

not down for a patrol today.

I'm glad to know you're

so keen, Passworthy,

but you really must have a better

knowledge of the district, first.

Pick up a map and study it.

Yes, Sergeant.

Any luck?

I should never have tried. My tea

leaves at breakfast

were all clotted.

You better call in at Mrs

Bottomley at number 24.

She's complaining about suspicious

activities in the

rear of her premises.

Yes, Sergeant.

- You're late, Constable.

- Yes Sergeant.

Why?

We had a bit of trouble

with the shower.

Looks like I'm going

to have a bit of

trouble with the shower

too, doesn't it?

Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty.

Quiet, Gorse. No more talking now.

All present and correct,

sir. Show your appointments.

Excuse me, sir.

Constable Benson, sir.

Well what is it?

In the absence of the station

dog handler yesterday sir,

I took the animal,

"Lady" walking, sir.

What, on a job? Routine, sir.

Oh, just for a walkies.

What about it?

I wish to protest at being

sent out with a brute that far

seems to me, barely advanced

from the wolf pack.

Sergeant, don't send him

out again with Lady.

No, sir. Thank you, sir.

- Can't have Lady upset.

- No, sir.

Why is your uniform tor, Gorse?

I fell down a flight

of stairs, sir.

How? Quick.

Yes indeed sir, very

quick. I was on a scooter.

On a scooter? Why wasn't

I told about this?

The facts, Gorse. I was

proceeding easterly direction...

And that insane canine misfit was

proceeding in a

westerly direction.

Quiet, Benson. Quiet, Wilkins.

You were there?

Was I not. We were both

nearly killed weren't we.

It's all the fault of

that stupid bitch.

What there was a third

party involved?

No, no, sir. Lady.

Lady?

The dog, sir. She's a

bitch, isn't she sir.

Lady dog's a bitch. Well

I know that, don't I.

- Yes, sir.

- Good gracious.

We're all nattering here

like a lot old women.

Let's have some

discipline in this place.

Yes, sir.

How do you do, sir?

How do you...?

Constable Potter, sir.

I've seen you before

somewhere, haven't I.

I don't think so, sir. I

couldn't forget your face.

What do you mean? Well I mean, you

have such an arresting face, sir.

Oh, very swift, an arresting

face. You merry quipper, you.

Gorse.

Where have I seen you before?

Perhaps you met him in a

previous existence, sir.

Who's this lot?

Constable, sir.

Constable who?

Constable, sir.

I know, I said Constable who?

Constable Constable, sir.

That's unusual, isn't it?

Yes, sir, isn't it?

Explain yourself

Constable Constable.

Reincarnation, sir.

Who?

Reincarnation, sir.

It accounts for

some of our more

uncanny experiences.

- Get away.

- Yes.

If you cooperate with me, sir,

I think could uncover

where it was that you

and Potter met in a

previous life, sir.

Utter nonsense.

No sir, please. Close

your eyes and relax.

Certainly not.

Please, sir. Yes. They're very

strong, your heredity

thought waves.

Cor. Wait.

I can see a pond. A beautiful,

artificial pond in a garden, sir.

Any fish?

The fountains are playing.

I said any fish?

No, no fish.

Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you

and Potter. You're in the garden.

You're centurions together, sir.

2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.

Wait a minute. I can see

the Vestal Virgins.

Ah, they've gone indoors.

I've never heard such

poppycock in all me life.

Please, sir, don't make

another heredity wave.

Please. Let's try it again, we're

very near. Shut your eyes, sir...

You shut your trap. I've

had enough of this. And

I remember where I've

seen you before, too.

You're a society

playboy, Lothario.

One of the siphon-squirters and

waiter-debaggers of this world.

Happy days, sir?

Happy days. You lot won't

know what's hit you soon.

Horrible, disgusting.

I don't want trouble, you

can't afford trouble, right?

Right, sir.

Right.

You four, do you know your routes?

Yes, Sergeant. Well, concentrate

on them, and on nothing else.

This is a police patrol, not a

protest march against Crufts,

a scooter demonstration,

boat-race night,

or a reincarnation seance.

It's just a routine police patrol.

Yes, Sergeant.

Just stay here, you lot, and

remember, you're still on parade.

Well, why don't you

ask me how it went.

All right, how did it go?

Don't ask.

Do me a favour, tell

Thurston to meet

me at the last patrol

point in a car.

Anything to help. And my voices

tell me you do need help.

Potty-poos.

Potty-poos. Potty-darling.

Honoria, old thing.

Haven't seen you since

Fruity Fotheringill's

pyjama party. I say,

what are you doing here?

What is this, a rag?

Oh, rather not, I'm in the force.

Potter the Copper. What fun.

I'd like you to meet my new chums.

Timothy Gorse, Charlie, Stanley

Benson, Sergeant Wilkins.

Sweet, just sweet, all of

you. Especially Wilky-poos.

I'm terribly sorry, Sergeant, I...

Have I done something

madly illegal?

Oh, no miss, you're just

obstructing the police

in the execution of

their duty, that's all.

It's my fault, Sergeant.

Oh, don't blame dear

Potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.

You will forgive me, won't

you? Everybody does, you know.

Bye-bye, Potty-poodles.

It's entirely my fault,

Sergeant. I shouldn't...

Back to work, Potty-poos.

Yes.

Gorse, you still there?

Yes.

Why? Your beat starts here.

Does it? Oh, so it

does. Thank you.

I know, I know, this

is where I get off.

Good morning, Madam,

can I help you at all?

Well, I certainly need a

copper and that's a fact.

You're my first customer this

morning, Madam. Have

this one on me.

Oh, ta.

By Jove. A simian amorist

with paralysed conscience.

Don't do it, my friend.

Don't do what? You know what.

I don't know what.

Pause, consider. If you can resist

the temptation to

steal that car...

it'll be easier for

you to overcome

the urge to rob that post office.

You'll need skilled

help of course.

To do the robbery?

No, to recover from your sickness.

You think I'm ill?

I know you are. Desperately

ill. Crime is an illness.

Its symptoms show in the face.

What you need is understanding

help to recover from it.

Come to me. Anytime. Even when the

temptation seems overwhelming.

Ask for me at the station. My

name's Benson, Constable Benson.

My name's Liddell.

Liddell.

Detective Sergeant Liddell. CID.

Not a very good start

to your reform.

No fantasies now. You know as

well as I do, no police officer

would behave so suspiciously,

coming out of the post office.

Oh, he might you know,

if he'd just drawn a few

pounds to buy his wife

a surprise present.

And he didn't want to bump

in to her, knowing full

well she was in the area

shopping at the time.

Huh, ingenious. You're a card.

I'm not, but... this is.

Oh dear. But you looked such

a standard criminal type.

Oh, don't be misled

by appearances. I'm

not. After all, you

look quite sensible.

Thank you.

Charming.

What's up, Sergeant?

Thurston, what would you

do if you wanted to make

sure that patrol was keeping

an eye on the district?

I'd keep an eye on that patrol.

Get cracking.

Help. Stop. Look

out, he's got a gun.

- Stand back, Ursula.

- Help.

- Ursula, stand back.

- Help.

Thir... thirteen.

Help. Stop.

You vicious swine.

He's insane Alistair.

Don't hurt him, I...

Follow me.

Oh, you fool.

Alistair, you've killed him.

Here, what do you

think you're doing?

Well I heard a... I

thought I heard...

What's going on here?

I thought I heard a

murder, Sergeant.

It was only the radio.

That excerpt was from tonight's

play in the home service.

Do you want to make

a complaint, Miss?

No, he was only doing what

he thought was right.

Thank you very much, Miss.

Does it hurt?

Not at all, Sergeant.

Get back on the beat.

Yes, sir. Thank you

very much, Miss.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you, Miss.

Want to cross the road, ma?

Very heavy load, yes.

I see. Well, never mind.

What?

Wait.

That's all right mother.

You're all right with me.

What do you want with me

key? I ain't done nothing.

Now.

What you doing?

All right, all right, don't

worry, all in a day's work.

There we are. That's

all right isn't it.

You half-baked twit, you.

Madame, please, I'm trying...

I was trying to help you.

Madame, I'm trying to help you.

Help. What's going on here?

Speak up, speak up, me

battery's running out.

Not a second before time,

the ungrateful virago

What happened, Madam?

He forced me to

over here, when I'd

taken ten minutes to

get to over there.

All of a sudden, he

grabbed me behind and...

Ooh, I did not.

You lying old witch.

Can't hear ya'. Don't interrupt.

That's enough of that. Do you

want to make a complaint?

What do you mean it

ain't? I tell you, it's

the gospel truth. He

grabbed me behind as...

Sergeant, I assure you I did not.

Benson, I don't care where

you grabbed her. The

point is, she didn't want

to be grabbed anywhere.

Now get those crumbs off, and

get back on your patrol.

- Yes, Sergeant.

- And remember in future...

helping old ladies

across the street

should be left to the boy scouts.

Kindly don't sneer at that fine

organisation. I was a Rover.

Well rove.

Police Station. Calmly and

clearly, Madam, please.

Miss Horton. Yes,

you're speaking from?

33. Three, three, Nathaniel Road.

Intruder next door.

Do you mean 31 or 35?

Three, five.

Telephone number? 4573.

Thank you Madam, we'll

send a car immedi... What?

I said that's all right, I've

just seen a policeman outside.

Sergeant.

Nathaniel Road.

Calling car four,

calling car four.

Constable Potter

investigating report

of intruder. 35 Nathaniel Road.

Over to Nathaniel Road, thanks.

Right, Thurston, move.

Psst. Mr and Mrs

Barry, 35. They're in

Canada seeing their

first grandchild.

Their daughter Sally, she's in

Cornwall visiting her

fiancé's family.

The house should

be empty, but just

now, I heard somebody

moving about.

I see, thanks.

Well, go in and get him.

I'd sooner wait till he comes out.

Better still. Catch

him in the act. The

Barrys left them with

me. Fortunate, ay.

Back way, over the garden fence.

Well, supposing he's armed?

Well, If I hear a shot, I'll

ring the station. Ten-four.

What's happened? Nothing.

It's Eric. An accident.

Hello, I'm a police... officer.

Come on Thurston, faster.

Potter may be struggling

for his life with some

murderous tearaway.

If only Eric was as

considerate as you

are, Constable. What's your name?

Just call me Tom.

Tell me all about it.

Well, last night Eric and I

were talking about furniture.

I want contemporary

things and he doesn't

We had a terrible row.

He said he wasn't

going to have chairs

like toadstools.

So I said if he's

going to exaggerate,

there wasn't much

point in talking.

So he said perhaps we aught never

to talk to each other again.

Whereupon I said that

suits me fine, threw his

ring back and got here at

3.00 this morning and...

Oh, Tom, we haven't

even got a flat.

Oh, is that all. It's just

a little lovers' tiff.

Tiff? It's finished. I'm never

going to see him again.

Of course you will.

There, there, there,

there. Now, listen,

it's quite simple.

You and Eric are both tense about

getting married, you

can't wait for it.

What do you mean?

Well, I... er... you know.

Don't you see? At present,

you're both a bundle of nerves.

Naturally you're going to fly off

the handle at the slightest thing.

But believe me, once

you're married.

We'll not be married now.

It's all spoiled. Finished.

Of course it isn't. You phone him,

say you're sorry. Cry a little.

Now, wait.

Trust your Uncle Tom.

He'll come running, you'll see.

Oh, just imagine that moment,

Sally. The bliss of the reunion.

How can any man resist your

lovely innocent eyes, your...

Your yearning look. A

man's heart must melt.

Come on. That boy's in danger.

Sally.

- Oh, Tom.

- Potter.

Oh, hello, Sergeant. How

nice of you to drop in.

I don't need help with

this little case you know.

Run along and phone now, Sally.

Well, better get back on

the old beat, I s'pose.

Put it on.

Help. Help. Oh, help.

I say constable, I know

you'll think I'm an

awfully silly girl, but

I've lost my pussy.

The name's Fluff

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Fluff.

That's the cat's name.

The cat's name? So

sorry, silly me.

When did you last see Fluff?

Oh, only a moment ago, I was

bringing him back from the vet.

The catch on the basket must have

been loose and he jumped out.

In here, up there.

I see, Madam. Just leave

everything to me.

I just couldn't get up there, in

this skirt. Oh look,

do be careful.

Don't be alarmed, Madam.

Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff,

where's the naughty pussycat?

Fluff? Ah, there you are.

Oh, naughty ill-mannered

pussy. Not to spit at

Uncle Timothy. Now don't

go away. Stay there.

Fluff, don't go up

there Come down.

Fluff. Fluff. Come

down. Fluff. Oh, you

naughty pussy. Where

are you now? Fluff.

Fluff, Fluff, Fluff.

Ah, there you are.

Now, how am I going

to get you down?

I know this'll frighten you. Now.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

There's a good Fluff.

Help. Help.

Oh, my goodness.

Help.

Stop, stop. Oh, stop. Stop, stop.

What is it, Madam?

A policeman. I think he just

shot to the top of the tower.

Was he wearing glasses?

- Yes.

- Thank you Madam. Here we go.

Help.

HELP.

Call these reports? I've never

seen anything like 'em in me life.

Look at this one. I

thought I heard a murder.

Heard a murder, I ask you.

You ever smelt a burglary?

Yes, sir I have, when a

scent store got broke into.

Yes, all right, all right.

You could smell it up the street.

She looked as if she was

thinking of crossing the road.

How do you know what

anyone's thinking?

Might have been thinking of buying

a pair of thicker knickers.

I pulled the rope and flew

into the air, like Peter Pan.

You mean Peter Pan's

great aunt, don't you?

The young lady was in the bath.

You were looking through

the keyhole, I suppose?

Oh no sir, the door wasn't locked.

Well what have you got to say

for yourselves, anything?

Yes sir, I want a transfer.

Do you really. To

Scotland Yard, I presume?

Yes, I joined the force

to prevent crime,

not to be assaulted by

demented old women.

My speciality is

Forensic Physiognomy,

and I feel my proper place

is in the Photographic

Records Department

of Scotland Yard.

Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.

Please, don't mention

loaves to me.

Benson, please.

It's all very well for

you, mate. Let me

tell you something.

I was boshed o...

Might I be permitted to say

a word at this juncture?

Of course, sir.

When I was a young

constable, we were

fined for being one

minute late. Right?

Right sir.

We weren't allowed

to go to our own

front doors in our

shirtsleeves. Right?

Right sir.

Seems immaterial to me, how

you answer the front door,

as long as you're capable

of doing your job properly.

Benson.

I'll handle this

thank you, Wilkins.

I've been watching you

and listening to you

very carefully, Benson,

and you have a future.

Thank you, sir.

Selling lace table mats.

But regarding your ability

as a policeman...

I personally wouldn't

send you down

to the corner of

the street for me,

to buy a bag of aniseed balls.

You stupid constable.

Do I make myself clear?

Crystal. Pardon?

No one could accuse you of

not being explicit, sir.

Thank you.

However, your misreading of my

potential is sublime

in its totality.

Get them out of here,

Wilkins. Get 'em out.

Right, sir. All right, dismissed.

Straighten yourselves out there.

Sergeant, huh. You stand

there like a dummy.

You're unable to

control this rabble.

I thought you said you

could handle them, sir.

The sooner you're

transferred Sergeant

Wilkins, the better

for all concerned.

Yes sir. Now don't you honestly

think that us old-timers

ought to have a little more

patience with these youngsters?

Gaw. When I joined my first

station at Sidcup North...

Here we go again.

We had a sergeant there,

he didn't stop to enquire

whether we were

greenhorns or old sweats.

We had to be on the

ball the whole time.

I've seen some of the

young lads there sobbing

their hearts out there

in the wash house.

Least I think that's

what they were doing.

Sergeant Wilkins.

I'm sorry.

And as for that

inspector, he was a

holy terror. I

remember him saying...

Roll on my pension.

Going on patrol, Sergeant.

Right, Passworthy.

Why aren't you typing?

My fingers hurt. Can

I do something else?

I don't know. Can you?

Come in.

Oh, you.

Yes, sir. Sergeant Wilkins sent me

sir. Said you wanted a constable.

So I did, and look what I've got.

Shall I go then sir?

Ye... No, look, I've

got a very complex

coordinated report

to make out here

and I need some assistance.

My secretary's off.

Flu?

No, having a baby.

Makes a change.

Well not for her. It's her fourth.

Oh, honestly sir.

Some of these girls

you've only got to sneeze at them.

Look, you didn't come here

to talk about my secretary.

You're a distracting

personality, Potter.

Sorry, sir.

Well you will be if

you don't concentrate

Yes, sir.

What do I have to

concentrate on, sir?

Yes, well I've finished

with those. Burn 'em.

Sir.

Potter. What?

Not those. But you

told me to, sir.

They're my consolidated notes.

Oh Potter, I'm on fire.

No you're not sir, but...

You're jolly nearly. Jolly

lucky escape, this.

The carpet. Get the

water. Don't panic.

Stand clear, sir.

Potter.

Morning, Officer.

Yes, sir?

Reporting.

What for?

For myself.

Why? The terms of my release.

From prison? How exciting, I've

never met a real criminal before.

Who do you think you're

calling a criminal?

Just a minute. Ah, bone

structure. I can tell

you're going straight.

I'm sure of that.

There are signs, you know.

You'd er... trust me?

Unhesitatingly. With my life.

Constable, you don't know what it

feels like to be trusted again.

To meet someone like

you, could make

all the difference

in the world to me.

I know, that's my entire

purpose. My whole point.

I want to help, not persecute

and punish. Now if...

Exactly. Well, er... take my case.

My father's estate

is worth £492,000.

By rights, it's mine. Yet

our family solicitor,

who's never liked me, has had it

tied up in chancery for years.

Now, if I could only get hold

of £50 for legal expenses,

I'd be able to make a case of it.

£50. That's all that stands

between me and my inheritance.

£50. I've got just that

in the Post Office.

Earning 2.5%?

If you lend it to me,

I could give you

5,000 when I win the

case, that's 500%.

Oh, far too generous. I'd feel

I was taking advantage of you.

Believe me, you're

not. Is it a deal?

Done.

You're being done

all right Benson.

Meet Herbert Hall, the craftiest

confidence trickster

outside the knick.

Sorry son, I wouldn't

have taken your money.

But somehow I couldn't resist

you. You're such a born mug.

It's written all

over you. There are

signs, you know, bone structure.

What a nerve. Coming

in here and trying

a thing like that on

me, a policeman.

Policeman. Look son,

you haven't got

the taste of the chin strap yet.

There we are. That's

a good job done.

I certainly feel like

a cup of char now.

I'm sure you do, but

you're not through yet

Oh, no. All them

hours bashing away

and the carbon's the

wrong way round.

Well?

Thanks, Wilkie. Thank goodness

Mills has gone off this afternoon.

What do you mean this afternoon?

He's been off for months.

How's that Passworthy

girl shaping?

She's shaped.

A weights and measures,

a road safety and a

breach of the peace, all

on her first patrol.

When's she bringing

in Jack the Ripper?

Strange that the only

efficient rookie's a woman.

Oh, I wouldn't say

that. Potter's on

a job right now

that must go right.

I mean after all

the landed gentry,

they're all good with dogs.

Oh, heel, heel, heel. Good

dog, good dog, good dog.

I'm frightfully sor... Sir.

Let me help you out. Ah.

Me, who hasn't had a

cold for 23 years,

Wilkins. Now go and get

Potter, I'm going to...

Now calm down sir.

You'll only send your

temperature up and

you'll feel worse

There you go again Wilkins.

Protecting these

incompetent nincompoops

from the consequences

of their own...

Now leave it to me sir.

I'll tell him off.

Why don't you take a

few days sick leave?

And what would happen to

this station, without me?

I'd rather not say, sir.

I will not have them go out

unless they're accompanied,

by someone compos

mentis to go with them.

Even though we're

understaffed, sir?

Those are my orders, Wilkins.

You always want to argue.

What a stinker I've got. What

about Potter, has he got a...?

No, sir, not a sniff.

The injustice of it.

Why don't you look on

the bright side, sir.

You know, you think

of all the times

you've torn a strip off

certain constables

and said they couldn't

even catch a cold.

Now you could say that to Potter

and be right. For the first time.

Morning, Constable.

Good morning, Sergeant Moon.

Let's not beat about the bush.

All right.

You're in love with

Passworthy, yes or no?

Supposing I am, what's

it to do with you?

I'm concerned with the

efficiency of the force.

You in a daze, her wondering

why you're in a daze

means two units of personnel at

less than maximum efficiency.

The sooner you two get sorted out

the better for the force. Right?

Right.

Well then, do something about it.

Can't.

I can't till I know

whether she's a Virgo.

I beg your pardon?

Astrology. You see

my horoscope says

I stand my best chance of romantic

happiness with a Virgo subject.

So I've got to know

her birthday. I can't

make a move. It's vital,

it's significant.

It's here.

Would you like me to look it up?

Passworthy, Gloria.

Gloria.

Date of birth. August the 24th.

Virgo.

Ooh, Gloria.

I'm so happy to be out

on patrol with you.

Oh, do stop that. It's

not good for a police

officer to be seen

chortling on patrol.

Quite right. Must

be more dignified.

Ho, ho.

What is the matter with you?

I can't help it, I'm happy.

I'm about to become an efficient

unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...

Constable, kindly

address me properly

and... don't look at me like that.

Right, Policewoman Passworthy.

But listen to me. You've

got to listen to me.

I'm happy and I want to make you

happy too, my dear... Policewoman.

I love you, Policewoman

Passworthy. I'm crazy about you.

I couldn't tell you because of the

stars, Policewoman, my sweetheart.

The stars, you see.

Instinct can be

misleading, but the stars, never.

And they say that it's all

right, Policewoman Passworthy.

Oh, do return my love, Policewoman

Passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh.

Kindly get that vehicle

off the road, Madam.

Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed

up with being cooped up like this.

Treating us like children.

It's humiliating.

We're not allowed out

on our own today,

Inspector's orders, and there's

nothing we can do about it.

Oh yes there is. We can

show that inspector

he couldn't even

inspect gas metres.

Absolutely splendid, but how?

Come with me, out the back way.

We daren't.

Dare nothing, achieve

nothing. You with me?

Yes, Benson. Come on, then.

Right.

Do you say this is

the department where

most of the trouble

occurs? Isn't it?

Dreadful. What with our

being so busy now,

and so many of our

assistants away with flu.

Ideal conditions for

shoplifting, in fact.

And for observation too.

Yes, exactly. Just

leave this to us, sir.

Gladly, but excuse me I

hardly think anyone's likely

to steal something while two

policemen marching about.

Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought

of that. Had you, Benson?

Yes... yes of course I have.

We shall require, sir, just

a little help from you.

Get out of the way.

Do you know, I haven't

done this since

I was in the Army,

at a camp concert.

This is no laughing matter, Gorse.

I say, you mustn't call me that.

Not when we're on special duty.

Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.

Thank you and I shall call

you... Now let me see...

Call me Ethel. It was

my grandma's name.

If Grandmama could see you

now, she'd be so proud.

Well, to work, to work.

Are you ready, Agatha?

If you are, Ethel.

Let's go.

Do you have to keep

your glasses on?

Why? You don't look pretty enough.

Well really. You're no

Brigitte Bardot either.

There's no need to shout.

And there's no need to

make personal remarks.

I beg your pardon, Agatha.

Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.

Can I help you, ladies?

Young girl, we are not

ladies, we are policemen.

Special investigation.

Carry on working as usual.

Alice, the manager, quick. Gone

out? Well, all right, get anyone.

Sir? There are a couple

of loonies up here.

Pretend to look at these.

Look at her, that's

criminal type if ever

I saw one. Watch.

Did you see that? Can I tell

at a glance or can I not?

The brazen hussy.

Let's apprehend her.

No, wait.

To make a shoplifting

charge stick, you must

challenge the suspect

outside the store.

But of course. Come on, then.

Hello. Hello sir, they're leaving.

Just a moment, Madam.

Show us your girdle.

I beg your pardon?

Did you deny that

you took a girdle

from that store without paying?

Now, ladies, please.

Aha. The corpus delicti.

Name and address please,

we're the police.

Prove it.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's a mistake. A

dreadful mistake.

They all say that. Name?

I am the Lady Mayoress

of this Borough,

and I have an account

at this store.

- A likely...

- An account.

- These are the two.

- I see.

- Now what's all the fuss about?

- There's been a mistake.

Oh yes, they all say that.

We call it stealing.

- Cripes.

- Stealing.

Fetch the police.

Wait, you fool, we are the police.

Ask the manager.

Hasn't he told you.

No he hasn't. He's gone out.

You better come quietly.

Our uniforms, there in the

ladies... changing room.

A likely story. Come along now.

Gorse, run for it.

Wait a moment.

Now Potter, you've got to try

and pull yourself together.

Yes, Sergeant.

Every single thing you've done

up to now has been a mess.

- Yes, Sergeant.

- Hello, Constable.

Hello, Mrs May. Oh,

jolly good show.

All due to you, dear boy.

Potter. Are you listening?

Yes, Sergeant.

Well you're lucky

you're not on report.

- Good morning. Hello.

- Will you pay attention Potter

Whatever you have been

associated with has gone wrong.

- Yes, Sergeant.

- You've gotta watch it.

Hello.

Hello, Miss Barry.

Eric, I presume.

How do you do. I

want to thank you.

Oh, not at all. Not at all.

We've got a flat.

- And we're buying furniture.

- Contemporary.

Only if you want it, Eric.

I want what you want, darling.

In that case, name

him Tom after me.

Well, almost everything

you've touched

seems to have been

screwed up. Come on.

I don't know how many times

I've got to tell you...

And there I was. 17 yobs

in that pub there were.

All standing round there,

watching, waiting.

So I took off my duty armlet...

Yes, Sergeant.

And I said "Right,

I'm off duty now."

"anybody cares to come outside,

I'll take you on, one at a time."

What happened Sergeant?

They knocked my head off.

Let that be a lesson

to you. Never take

your duty armlet off

at the wrong time...

That van shouldn't be there.

Obstruction?

Wages?

Look.

Can you drive? Rather.

After them.

Potter.

Did you get their number?

Afraid not.

Paper. Paper. Wage

thieves get £100,000.

I'm putting you all

on official report.

Have you got anything to say?

Yes, sir.

I didn't ask you,

thank you Sergeant.

If I had my way, I'd

suspend the whole

lot of you from duty immediately.

Unfortunately, it's

out of my hands.

It's got to come from higher up.

But I tell you what I will do.

I'll send you all out

today in pairs, so

that you can watch

each other's step.

And my report goes in

sharp at 3 o'clock.

That's all, Sergeant.

Dismissed.

And as for you, Sergeant

Wilkins, this is

the limit. I'm applying

for your transfer.

Yes, sir. Now what

about these boys.

They're only beginners, you know.

Still trying to protect

them. Why? Now I want a

straight answer this time,

and that's an order.

All right sir. I'll

give you an answer.

I have been in the

force a long time,

but I still remember

the bloomers that I

made when I was also

as green as grass.

What's that got to do with it?

It's got everything to do with it.

Sir.

Ah, what's the use?

I don't believe in

wet-nursing them either,

but I do believe that we should

forget about the

rule book sometimes,

particularly when it's

an emergency like this.

And that, sir, is all.

And that, Sergeant, is

quite enough. Now if you

don't mind, I'll get on

with writing my report.

Sir.

And you.

Don't worry, it may never happen.

It has happened, I'm on me way.

Oh, I'll miss you. You're

a very fine colleague.

Thanks, Laura.

You've never called

me that before.

I have, hundreds of times.

No you haven't.

You know something?

What? All of a sudden, I'm

gonna' miss you, too.

Do you really mean that, Frank?

Now you've never

called me that before.

I've wanted to hundreds of times.

Well how about that.

All this time I didn't

even know that you

thought I was alive.

Ah, what's the use.

In a couple of days,

he'll have me posted

miles away to some

dead-and-alive hole helping

cows across the village street.

It's a scandal. An officer

of your experience being

sacrificed for the incompetence

of that conniving little...

Oh, I asked for it. I

can't complain, I've

had my say. I've had

a run for me money.

But, Frank...

So how's the roster

going then? You still

trying to get a quart

into a pint pot?

Something like that.

Let's see if we can work

something out together.

All right. Let's do that.

Supposing we made a lot of

arrests during the day.

Do you think we'd make old

Mills change his mind.

What mind?

Oh, Benson, we've got to do

something, I need this job.

Motorists, I bet we could bag

a dozen if we really tried.

That wouldn't help,

Potter. We're for

it, and that's all there is to it.

Benson. Benson, old man, the car.

What car? You mean the thieves'

car? How could you possibly know?

Yesterday you couldn't

even describe it.

Dent on rear left mudguard.

Suddenly, it all came back to me.

Potter, I beg you.

This is a critical

moment in our careers.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Right.

This doesn't prove anything,

except they dumped it here.

Oh gosh, that's

right. They must be

well away by now.

Out of the country.

No, wait Potter. That's

exactly what they want

us to believe. That they're

out of the country.

The cunning bounders.

What'll we do?

I've got it. I know exactly where

those crooks are hiding out.

Benson, where?

Here, in this very area.

Of course, they want us

to put out a nationwide

search, when all the

time they're...

Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.

Brilliant. I have

to hand it to you.

But we're not handing it to anyone

else. Now listen, this is ours.

We need the kudos of

capturing them by 3 o'clock.

Capturing them. Oh lord,

if only we could.

You call the station. Only

tell them about the car.

They'll have it towed to

the yard for a lab test.

I'll get Charlie and Gorse off the

beat and we'll meet you back here.

- Roger.

- Right

Police station.

Yes, Potter. Right.

They found the car in Church Road.

Sergeant, they've found the car.

Sir, they've found the car.

Then take it away

from them, before

they smother it with fingerprints.

All right Sarge, I'm on my way.

Police station. Can I help...

Right, now we can get cracking.

No we can't, don't be ridiculous.

We'll never find them, beside

the omens are all against us.

Oh, shut up about your omens.

Gorse, have you thought of

anywhere they might be hiding?

Why yes. There's a street

not far from here.

It's full of tatty lodging

houses, awful thoroughfare.

Well, what's it called?

Well it's known locally as the

street of a thousand mouse-holes.

Follow me.

150 houses checked

and not a sausage.

I told you this was a wild-goose

chase, didn't I. The omens...

If you say one more word

about the supernatural...

Now look here,

You cannot silence the

voice of truth with

empty threats, Benson.

I told you, all of you

that this assignment was doomed

from the moment we arrived.

And now we're done. Done

proper. Done crisp.

Halt and hush a moment.

Look yonder. That house,

been empty for years. They're

going to pull it down.

If it doesn't fall down first.

Gentlemen, look rather

more closely. There.

It could be.

Oh, never. Somebody just backed

in to turn around. That's all.

We've simply got to check on it.

I'm game. Come on then.

You and your

mastermind. I told you

we was crazy to hide out here.

Tired of the stately

home already, are you?

Am I.

Then how about leaving. Very

soon, in coppers' uniforms.

Ah.

Oh.

Sshh.

Yes, all right.

Really, do you have to? Ooh.

Beg pardon.

Help.

All right, boys, scrub the

uniforms. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I've got him. I've got him.

Why you, come back

here. Come back.

You fool.

Ridiculous. The whole

thing's absurd.

Actually, the real turning

point, was when I found

out that your birthday

was August the 24th.

August? Whatever

gave you that idea?

You... you mean that you're...?

Passworthy, switchboard.

Yes, Sergeant.

Sergeant, you told

me August the 24th.

Oh, well, does it

make any difference?

Surely you're not

that superstitious?

Superstitious?

Me?

Just one moment.

Connecting you now, sir.

Hello.

Listen.

Oh hello, Chief Constable.

Hello Mills. Well you've certainly

shown you can inspire recruits.

Well thank you, sir.

So much so, I've decided to

transfer you immediately,

to the area college in charge

of morale and discipline.

I don't know what to say, sir.

Tell Sergeant Wilkins to take

over the station, will you Mills.

Temporarily, sir, of course?

No, he's being promoted

to Inspector at once.

I'm so glad, sir. He's

just the man for the job.

Goodbye, Mills.

Goodbye, sir, and thank you.

I want everybody in

here immediately,

I've got some news for you.

All right, line up

behind Thurston.

Attention.

What this station

needs is a bot of

discipline. Right

turn. Quick march.

Harrison.

Potter.

Oh, yes, sir.