Carry On Cabby (1963) - full transcript

Wotcha, mate.

Oi, where's the funeral, then?

Watch it, mate, she's
got out of the box.

Don't do that when you take your
test, mate, you'll never pass.

You filthy, rotten road hog.

Good for you, lady.

What's the matter with you?
Can't you give a hand signal?

Oh, veteran driver.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie. Ted.



Hello, Peg, and how are
you this lovely morning?

Never mind the lovely
morning. Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Oh, I don't know, Peg.
Perhaps he's in the office.

No he's not, I've
just been in there.

Oh.

I meant... the other
office, you know, the...

What, for two hours?

Oh, come off it, Ted, you can't
fool me. Has he gone out cabbing?

Oh, no. Well, he wouldn't do that,

would he? Not after
he's promised you.

He's somewhere around, I expect.

Don't worry. Look, I'll find him.

Well?

It's all right, I've finished it.



You mean you've done all
the things you said?

Yeah.

How did you do 'em, then?

It's simple, just
took up the slack.

Service.

What do you want?

Oh, sorry. Beg your pardon.

I think I'll have a nice quick
fourpenny roll with you.

That's enough sauce out of you,
Ted. If you don't shut up...

- Give us a kiss, then.
- No, I won't.

You ought to be...

Ooh.

I wish I had a nice
big spanner handy.

So do I. I'd get you
loosened up a bit.

Why don't you two get married and
we could all get a bit of peace?

That suits me fine.
How about it, Sally?

Over my dead body.

That's not what you
said in the pictures.

Why, what did I say?

Oh, very romantic it
was. What was it, now?

Oh, yeah, she said, "You get
your hand away." she said.

He was trying to pinch
my walnut crackles.

Yeah, and I very nearly did too.

We'll have to get
married now, won't we?

I'm warning you, if you
don't shut up, I'll...

I'll fling this tea
in your ugly mug.

Ooh, blimey, I'm going.
Sounds too much like home.

Yeah, watch out for that clutch,
Smiley. It's a bit fierce.

Walnut crackles.

No, I haven't.

You should have opened
the gate first.

I did open the gate.

Smiley, what the devil's going on?

- Blimey. What's happened?
- He forgot to open the gate.

I didn't forget to open
the perishing gate.

You must have done.
It's shut, look.

That's right.

I shut it when I came in.

Would you mind
shutting up, when...?

- You shut it?
- Well, of course I did.

Why?

It says, "Have you closed the
gate?" And I hadn't, so I did.

But I'd just opened it to
go out, you great big nit.

All right, Smiley, I can
handle this. Just drive

down to the repair bay
before Charlie sees it.

- Who are you? What do you want?
- Oh, I want a job.

Made a good start, haven't you?

Oh, have I started?

Look, cock, shove off.
Try the breaker's

yard. It's more in your line.

Oh. Are you the boss or something?

I'm what they call the
something manager.

And my advice to you is to be off.

- You mean buzz off?
- No, but you're getting warm.

But I want to be a taxi driver.

The bloke who gave me this card,
he said I'd be all right here.

"This is to introduce..."
Oh, ex-army?

Yeah.

Well, the boss likes
to look after the

boys, you know. He
was in it himself.

Yes. Is your name really Tankard?

Yes. Terry Tankard, only the
boys always called me Pintpot.

Well... Are you sure
it was Pint-pot?

Oh, yes. You see, it's
cos my name is Tankard.

Oh, right. Thank you
very much indeed. The

boss is out with a
cab at the moment,

so you'd better come
and have a cuppa.

Thank you.

Sorry.

There won't be much
of this place left.

Well, Ted, where is he, then?

Er... where's who, Peg?

You know very well
who. The guv'nor.

You can't see him now.
He's out in a cab.

Oh? How do you know?

He told me.

Oh, I remember now. Yes.

You see, we're rather
short of drivers...

You needn't bother
making excuses for him.

The fact is, he'd
rather spend his time

playing about with a
taxi than with me.

Oh, don't talk nonsense, Peg.

You know he loves
playing about with...

I mean spending time with you.

What time? He's up
and out before I'm

awake and not back
till after I'm asleep.

I haven't had a chance to talk
to him since last Wednesday,

and then it was
only with his legs.

His legs?

Yes, sticking out
from under a cab.

It's not fair. He knows
I can't get under one.

You can't blame him for
working hard, Peg.

There's lots of women who'd be
pleased to be married to Charlie.

So would I, and I'm his wife.

Well... I want to talk to him.
Which cab has he got out?

- 66.
- Clickety-click.

I'll give him clickety-click.

That's right. Have you got
everything on the front?

Yes, now, that little
one can go on the seat.

No, I think I'd better take that.

No. No, it had better
go on the seat.

That's right. Now,
then, the basket

can go on the seat with me, too.

Now... I'll take the umbrella.

Thank you.

That's it. Now, then,
that just leaves

this one, and be very
careful with this.

It's real cowhide.

Naturally. It belongs to
a real... Cowhide is it?

Are you sure you haven't
forgotten anything?

Like kitchen sink,
parrot, husband?

My husband has passed on.

I'm not surprised.

Are you sure he's in 66,
Mrs H? He don't answer.

I'm positive. Just keep trying.

Come in, 66. Where are you?

Where are you, 66? Come
on, let's have you.

All right, all right,
Sarge, I'm here. Don't

do your nut. What's
all the panic about?

I'll talk to him.

- Charlie, is that you?
- Oh, blimey.

- Are you there, Charlie?
- This is Radio Luxembourg.

And now for a spot of
the old dance music.

You can stop that nonsense.
I know it's you.

Charlie, have you
forgotten what today is?

Today?

No, sweetheart, of course I
haven't forgotten what today is.

I mean, how could I
forget what today is?

Oh, blimey, it's our anniversary.

Exactly. Heaven knows,
I don't ask much,

but I would have thought
this was one day in a

year when you didn't
have to go out cabbing.

Cabbing? What makes you
think I'm cabbing, love?

I just slipped out to
get you a present.

Really, Charlie?

You don't think I'd be plying for
hire on a day like this, do you?

Driver, please don't talk while

you're driving. It
makes me nervous.

- Who was that?
- Who was what, love?

Who's that woman
you've got with you?

Oh, just some old... faggot I'm
taking to the station, that's all.

I thought you said
you weren't cabbing.

It happened to be
on the way. There's

no point in turning
down a few bob.

Charlie, I don't know
what's happened to you.

You never used to be like this.

Do you remember what you said
to me on our wedding night?

Of course I remember.

I said... Move over and give
us a bit of room, mate.

What? What did you say?

I wasn't talking to
you, sweetheart. I'm

talking to some other
lunatic... driver.

Well, just to refresh your memory,

you said you'd never let anything
come between us and our happiness.

I know that, love, but I can't...

Kindly concentrate
on your driving.

- Oh, belt up.
- Charlie.

- I'm talking to the old faggot.
- I beg your pardon?

I happen to be talking to my wife.

Well, I'm glad you realise that.

Look here, Peg, I'm trying to
do three things at a time.

I'll be home in five minutes with
something very nice for you.

Really, Charlie?

What is it?

That would be
telling, wouldn't it?

Something to wear.
Something very special.

What is it, Charlie?

Driver, I really don't feel safe.

Never you mind. Just
slip out of your

old clothes, get into
something slinky

and I'll be back there
with something very nice.

Help. Police. Stop the cab.

- Let me out of here. Help.
- She's gone mad.

Has she gone raving
mad or something?

Police.

- Police. Mad woman.
- Police.

All right, Allbright,
time you were off.

What are you hanging
around here for?

I've got a complaint.

Don't worry. Keep
taking the tablets.

You can laugh if you
like, but I was

thinking of calling
a protest meeting.

About what?

All these ex-service
people you keep training.

It's placing our jobs
in jeopardy. Yeah,

that's the only word
for it. "Jeopardy".

Right, then, before
Charlie started,

there wasn't a regular
cab service here.

Now we've got 40, employing
20 regular drivers...

It's up to me in my official

capacity as shop
steward to make...

an official complaint.

I know about that, but
you've got to sort it out.

Here's your tea.

Can I get you a cup, Mr Watson?

No, thanks. I'll get my own.

It slipped out of my
hand. Terribly sorry.

Couldn't have happened
to a nicer bloke.

That poor lad.

That's the third cup of
tea he's bought since

he came in here. He
hasn't got one down yet.

Could I have another
cup, Miss, please?

Here you are, dear. Try
and get that one down.

Don't you worry. I will.

So sorry.

I say, what will you think of me?

I'll let you know
when I've dried out.

Is Peg upstairs?

Yeah. She's not too
pleased with you.

Wait till she sees the fur
coat I've bought her.

Ooh, great. This, by
the way, is Tankard.

He's a member of your old mob
and he's looking for a job.

Go on. RASC?

Had much driving experience?

Five years on the road
without an accident.

You don't do so well off it.

I'm sorry about that, Mr Hawkins.

I'm not as clumsy as
that, driving. Honest.

- What were you with?
- Bulldozers.

Then you'd make a very good cab

driver. When are the
others starting?

This morning. They're
in the office.

Blimey. I tell you what,
we'll give you a go.

You go into my office
with the others and

tell 'em I'll be along
in five minutes.

Thank you very much, Mr Hawkins.
I won't let you down, I promise.

There'll be no more mistakes.

- It's all right.
- No, no. I can do it, Mr Hawkins.

- You don't have to...
- Wait a minute.

Excuse me.

I could punish myself.

And don't open 'em
till I tell you.

Still closed?

Any minute now.

Right, now.

Ooh, Charlie.

Ooh.

It's lovely.

I'll say it is. Genuine
mammoth, that is.

Oh, don't be silly, Charlie.

Straight up. It said so on the
shop window. "Mammoth fur sale."

Ah, you're pulling my leg.

I know stranded
musquash when I see it.

Stranded musquash? Shipwrecked
meat, more like it.

I don't care what it is.

It's lovely.

- Happy anniversary.
- You too, love.

Oh, here, here's the bill.

I promised you'd send
them a cheque today.

All right.

I don't know why you put all
your money into my account.

Well, it's safer there, innit? I
get enough from tips, don't I?

I've got your present
here, Charlie.

You would have got
it earlier, only

you went out before I woke up.

Oh, you shouldn't
have bothered getting

me anything. Here,
hang on to that.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's marvellous.
That's smashing.

That's just what I wanted.

- What is it?
- It's a smoking jacket.

Oh.

There's a pipe to go
with it... and slippers.

I thought they'd go
well with the cottage.

They will, won't they?

I've found the very one, Charlie.
It's only six miles out of town.

It's all plaster and oak beams.
We can easily afford it now, too.

Yeah. Yes, it sounds
very nice, but er...

You'll love it, Charlie.

It's got this great
big garden and an

old-fashioned kitchen
and a nursery.

Yeah. Well, we don't
want to worry about

moving till the kids
come along, do we?

Here, I'd better
gallop. Excuse me.

Charlie. You're not going again?

I've got to, love. I've
got boys waiting to

start instruction. See
you at dinner time.

Damn him.

Now, then, before you
start, there are one

or two things I want
to make quite clear.

Firstly, when you get to
be a cab driver, you cut

yourself off from the
rest of the human race.

Everybody's got it in for
you and nobody loves you.

In no time at all, you'll
find that you're as

popular as a wickerwork
seat in a nudist camp,

and you know what sort of
impression that makes on people.

- Ooh, that's very good.
- Thank you.

Secondly, don't think
it's easy to get

a cabby's licence,
because it's not.

You have to pass a very
stiff police test.

Thirdly... it's hard
work and long hours.

We run a day and
night service here.

If you do night work, it
means lots of overtime,

which is very handy, but makes you
very unpopular with the missus.

Now, then, if any
of you don't fancy

the job, now's your time to speak.

We will get one night
off a week, won't we?

- Course. Are you married?
- Oh, no.

Only I belong to this
rambling club, you

see, and so does a
very nice girl, too,

and... well... once a week, we
do like to go as far as we can.

Yes.

Oh, Peg, it's really beautiful.

- You are lucky.
- Yes, aren't I?

It's just what I always wanted.

Now, Peg, you mustn't let
it upset you like this.

I can't help it.

I'm so happy.

I know just how you feel.

Like when Ted gave me this
bracelet for my birthday.

It was the nicest
present I'd ever had.

Not as nice as your
fur coat, of course.

What's the use of having a
nice fur coat if there's

no one to admire you
or take you out in it?

Right, you've all had a chance
to study this map of the town.

Len, supposing you had to
pick up a fare there, to

go to the station there,
what's your best route?

Well, that's easy. Straight
along the high street.

The "best" route, I
said, not the shortest.

A cab driver never goes straight

anywhere, mate.
Here, give me that.

Look, that's the way I'd
go. Down there, along

here, up there, there,
there, there and here.

See that? Now, that way takes
in five sets of traffic lights.

Every time you wait at
a red, it's thrupence.

Five reds, you've hit the jackpot.

Here, Pintpot, you're very good
at going as far as you can,

supposing you have to
take a fare from the

rank there to the
theatre here, show me.

Well, let me see now.

First of all, I'd turn
left into James Street.

Right into North Road.

- Left into London Road.
- Yes.

Right at the lights.

Ooh, where does that get me?

In court. You've gone
down two one-way

streets and into a
public convenience.

It's not so much not seeing much
of him or not going anywhere,

it's having to live here in the
garage, just like another cab.

Why don't you get
that cottage in the

country you're always
talking about?

I want to and it isn't as
if we can't afford it.

There's thousands in the
bank and all in my name too.

Every time I bring it up, he says
he "must be near the business".

Might be different
if we had a kid.

Don't you believe it.
Ted's just the same.

Put me and an old
engine side by side,

I'll give you one guess which
one he'd start to strip down.

They've got cabs on the
brain, both of them.

Even when we do get a chance to
talk, it's cabs, cabs, cabs.

He can't even get into bed now
without saying, "Where to?"

Well, you're too soft
with him, Peg. You

want to assert
yourself now and then.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, it's not as if
he's a bad husband,

it's just that... he doesn't seem
to have much time for me any more.

Even today, it's our anniversary.
I've hardly seen him.

You'll be going out tonight and
celebrating somehow, won't you?

I don't think so. He
hasn't said anything.

Well, don't wait for
him to say. You say.

Just tell him you want to
go out and have some fun.

Do you think I should?

What have you got to lose?

I'd better get back to the
canteen. School's out.

Oh, look at him. Ringmaster
Hawkins and his Liberty taxis.

That's it. Now keep it
nice and smooth, that's

it. Keep it going. Lovely.
That's it. Lovely.

That's it. That's the idea.

Just remember, all the time you're

cruising, you're on the
lookout for fares,

so keep those eyes going.

That's it. Lovely. Now you've all
got a touch of the cabby's eyes.

Tell you what we'll do now. We'll
pretend I'm a fare, so stand by.

Taxi.

Have you gone raving mad?

You're supposed to pick
'em up, not run 'em down.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm too
anxious, that's my trouble.

Save that for your rambling
club, mate. Get out.

Right, you lot, that wasn't
bad, but you all made

one serious mistake,
your flags are still up.

The very second somebody hails
you, get that flag down.

Here, look, I'll
show you. Hold that.

Now here's the drill. Watch.

All right, somebody,
go on, yell taxi.

Taxi.

One, two.

See that?

Here we go again. One, two.

Note the acknowledging
gesture with the right hand.

Right, come on, you have
a go. There we are.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Taxi.

One, two.

One, two.

- Using all the fingers.
- Oh.

It's courtesy to all customers
at all times, until

you see the tip, then it's
every man for himself.

- Keep the change.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir, does this
pearl earring belong to you?

What, with tweeds?

I've got a good bunch
of new lads this time.

One of them's a bit
over-enthusiastic, let's say,

but I'll soon make a good cab

driver out of him,
don't you worry.

With a bit of luck,
we'll have four

more cabs on the road next month.

Charlie...

That'll make 44. Not bad
for a town this size.

With each of them
averaging 30 quid a

week, we'll really
make some money.

Charlie, I want to
go out this evening.

Then we get three more
cabs and... You what?

I said I'd like to go out
tonight, up town or something.

Up town? What for?

Well, I'd like to see a good show,

have a nice supper after.

All right, only I thought,
as it's our anniversary,

you might like to spend
the evening with me.

I meant with you.

Oh. Well, we don't want to waste
time going up town, do we?

Just do what we always
do, get a bottle in,

watch the telly and have
a bit of a cuddle up.

Oh, yes. Like last
year, when you had

to go out on a call
halfway through.

- Halfway through what?
- Amateur boxing.

Oh, well, you don't have
to worry about that

tonight, sweetheart,
cos there's none on.

It's no good, Charlie.
I've made up my mind.

We're going out...
at seven o'clock.

But...

And I've asked Sally and
Ted to come with us.

And, what's more, we're not going
by cab. We're going in style.

By bus.

Bus?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not driving
a bulldozer now.

Just relax. Watch it.

Missed him.

Look, do me a favour,
just take it easy.

This may be an old
cab, but it's the

first one I had and
I'm fond of her.

What are you doing?

Hey. Don't do that.
You'll distract him.

Go round there.

We're home.

Oh, my gawd.

That was fun, wasn't
it? I enjoyed that.

I wish I could say the same.

Have an accident?

No thank you, we've just had some.

What's the matter with
Smiley's cab, then?

He hasn't shown up, and
he's got a booking for the

airport at six and four
other bookings later.

Can't one of the
other fellas do it?

No, they're all busy.

Airport? Well, I can
do that trip and

still be back in time
to take Peg out.

Ok, I'll do the honours for you.

Weren't you and Sal
coming out with us?

We can't let bookings
down, can we?

Anyway, it's your
anniversary, not ours.

Well, if you don't mind...

It's quite all right.
There's the address.

I'll drive if you
like, Mr Hawkins.

You're joking, aren't you?

Well, couldn't I
come with you, then?

Just to see how it's done?

No. You're not supposed to see...

Come on, then.

Oi.

Hello, Sally.

Oh. Nearly finished here,
Ted. Won't be a minute.

No need to hurry. Take your time.

What do you mean?

I've got to go home
and do my hair and

get changed and do everything yet.

Oh, you don't want to
worry about all that.

You don't think I'm going to
London looking like this?

No, I don't. You see...

Well, Smiley hasn't
turned up yet, you

see, and there's a lot
of bookings come in

and, well, I knew you
wouldn't mind if I just...

Look, Sal, please don't do it.
I know you won't do that, Sal.

There we are, then.
Just got married?

Yes.

Lovely. Won't be
wrong now, will it?

- Here we are.
- Thanks.

- Oh, what about my bag?
- She's already in.

I wonder if I've got
the right soap.

I can't remember whether
it was green for

oily skin... or oily
for green skin.

Still, after 14 years,
I don't suppose

he'd notice the difference anyway.

- Well, that's it.
- Yes.

Blimey, look at the
time. Where are they?

Oi.

Save something for later.

- Madam.
- Thank you.

That's exactly twelve
and six please, guv.

Oh, thanks.

- And keep the change.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

I wish you a very happy honeymoon.

Thanks.

- Don't forget your cases.
- Oh, my clothes.

- Thank you.
- I am so sorry.

It's a good job you won't
be needing them, isn't it?

Get back in there.

Who would've thought a towel would

have made all that
much difference?

We'll just make it. Half
an hour to get back,

ten minutes to put some
decent clobber on...

What's that bloke
playing at? What's

he trying to do? Kill himself?

Are you a taxi?

No, this is a taxi, I'm a driver,
he's a learner and you're a twit.

Now, get out of the
way. I'm in a hurry.

No, help me. My wife's
going to have a baby.

If I don't get home by
seven, mine will have a fit.

No, look, you must
help me. I've got to

get her to hospital.
It's on the way.

How do you know it's on the way?
You don't know where I'm going.

No, no, the baby's on the way.

Oh, all right, then,
but hurry up, please.

Through the white gate.

Yes, all right.

Sarge. Come in, Sarge.

Sarge.

Isn't that just my flipping luck?

Now the radio's gone
on the blink. I

can't even tell Peg
where we're going.

- Please hurry.
- I'm doing 50 now, mate.

- Aren't we anywhere near it yet?
- It's not far now.

You've been saying that
for the last ten miles.

Jeremy.

- It's all right, I'm here dear.
- We're all here, dear.

About time.

Oh. I thought it was Charlie.

Where's Ted?

We can't go. He's got
to work tonight.

What a shame. Oh, well,
never mind. Come in and

have a drink while we're
waiting for Charlie.

Wait a tick. We're
going the wrong way.

He said turn in and go
straight up to the front.

Oh, yes, but on the board it said,
"All deliveries round the back."

Here we are, then.

It's all right. It
was a false alarm.

- It was a what?
- We can go home now.

Oh, yes, she said would
you mind hurrying?

She's got something in the oven.

You can say that again.

He's late, isn't he?

- Who?
- Charlie.

Oh, yes, I suppose
he is a little bit.

Good thing. Time for
another little drinky.

Right, there we are.
Now hurry up, please.

Thank you, how much do I owe you?

Five bob that's on the clock.

- Ooh, Jeremy.
- What is it, dear?

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

- Left at the next crossroads.
- I know.

I've been here before, remember?

Trust me to get one that doesn't
know whether it's coming or going.

I wonder what it's
like to have a baby.

Why don't you ask her?

All right.

Excuse me, Miss, I...

"Miss"?

No?

No, I suppose we might
as well go back home.

Just a minute, are you absolutely

certain she is going
to have a baby?

Oh, yes. This isn't really
very surprising, you

know, because it isn't
due till next week.

If you think I'm
galloping backwards and

forwards till next week,
you're raving mad.

Stop. Stop the cab.

Help. Nurse.

Nurse.

What does he want a nurse for?

Dunno, but if it's
what I think it is,

you'd better start a fire, put the

kettle on and keep
the metre going.

Oh, yes, of course.

No.

There's only one word for him.

Stinker.

Right? Right.

But I'm not going to
take any more of it.

I'm finished.

Do you know what I'm going
to do when he comes home?

No? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm just not going to
do anything at all.

That's what I'm going to do.

Yes? Is it?

Not yet.

Ooh. This waiting is awful.

I can't stand any more of this.

What are you getting
into such a state

for? Anybody would
think it was yours.

We're daddies.

- Which one's the father?
- I am.

He is.

Well, you've got a fine baby boy.

Well done. Congratulations, mate.

- Well done. Congratulations.
- Not me. Him.

- And you too.
- Thank you.

Here, sit down, mate.
Go on, have a rest.

No, I feel wonderful.

- I feel fine.
- You haven't seen the metre.

Nurse, here, leave the baby.

Peg, are you awake?

Get out.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry I
didn't get back, but er...

I was out in the cab with
old Pintpot, you see,

and we had a baby.

Peg?

Peg?

Peg, are you in there?

Peg?

Oh, Peggy, let me in.

I want to talk to you.

Oh, Peggy, come on.

Peggy. Oh, let me in. I want to
talk to you about last night.

Good morning,
Charlie. How are you?

Look, love, I know
you're mad at me,

but it wasn't my fault. Honest.

Mad at you? Why should
I be mad at you?

About last night.

Why, what happened last night?

Well, you know, I didn't get
back in time to take you out.

Oh, yes, I remember.

You had a baby.

Yeah. No, it wasn't me. It
was this woman in the cab.

We were taking these
newly-weds to the airport.

- And they had a baby?
- Yeah.

No, it wasn't them. It
was the other couple.

We were coming back
from the air... Blimey,

what's the good? You
don't believe me.

Of course I believe you, Charlie.

You're not clever enough to
think up an excuse that good.

Look, I'm only trying
to say I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one that
should apologise.

You? What for?

Well, I've been thinking.
It's unreasonable

of me to sit around
here, moping all day,

and expect you to keep on
taking me out once a year.

Oh, blimey. Peg, I wouldn't
say you've been unreasonable.

Yeah, but I would.

It's having nothing to
do, that's the trouble.

But you don't have to worry.
I'm going to get a job.

You're going to what?

Don't you think you ought
to get down there, darling?

Seems to be some trouble.

Never mind about that. What do you
mean, you're going to get a job?

Just what I say. I'm
going out to work.

Oh, no, you're not.

Get a job.

I've never heard
anything so ridiculous

in my life. Get a
job? What can you do?

Well, I may not be able to do
anything for you any more,

but there's plenty I can
do for someone else.

All right, go and get
yourself a job if you can.

- See if I care.
- I'm going to.

Peg. Peg. Hey, Peggy,
look. I was only kidding.

Peggy, hey.

Oh, blimey, what's
going on out there?

Where are my flipping shoes?

All right. All right.
One at a time, please.

Shut up.

That's better. It's not a
peace conference, you know.

Now, come on. Let's get
this thing sorted out.

There's nothing to sort out.
She's not taking this cab out.

All right, all right. Come on,
now. What's all the row about?

Hello, Flo. Long time
no see. How are you?

I'm all right, thanks,
Mr Hawkins. But

Smiley isn't. He's had
to go to hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry about
that. I wondered

why he didn't show up yesterday.

He'll be all right.
Nothing could kill him.

Anyhow, I thought I'd come and
take his cab out for you.

No sense letting it stand idle
when we can do with the money.

- Who's objecting?
- I am. It's against union rules.

- Union rules?
- She's taking a man's job.

And she's upsetting our
working conditions.

- How?
- Well, in the first place,

we'd all have to watch
our language and, in

the second place, there's
only one WC here.

Well, I've forgotten more
language than you ever knew

and, in the second place, I don't
want to go in the first place.

Good for you, Flo.

How about that, Allbright?

Very funny, I'm sure, but
I'm warning you, if she

takes this cab out, I'm
calling all the boys out.

Forget it. I don't want
to cause you any trouble.

Sorry, Flo, but don't
worry about it.

- I'll look after you and Smiley.
- Thanks.

Come on, Ted. Get on with it.

Come on. Let's get these
cabs out on the road.

All right, Mr Allbright?

No, I like a good fight. You
gave in much too easily.

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Mrs Sims? Would you
come up a minute?

I'd like to talk to
you about a job.

That's roughly it.

- Are you serious, Mrs Hawkins?
- Yeah, of course I am.

It's about time we showed
these men a thing or two.

Men? They're only good
for one thing. They

wouldn't be much good
at that without us.

What do you say,
then? Is it a deal.

Well, I could do
with the work, but

it's not gonna be easy, you know.

It'll take a few weeks.

The sooner we get
started, the better.

What's Mr Hawkins gonna say?

Nothing... because we're
not gonna tell him.

Oh, it's gonna be a
surprise for him?

One hell of a surprise, Mrs Sims.

I'll take 15.

May I see your legs, please?

Right. You've got the
job. Next please, Flo.

You've got the job.

Workman's Return, Waterloo, mate.

Oh, shut up.

Come in.

- Morning, Charlie.
- Sit down.

Have a bit of lunch.

I've got a cold kipper, cold chop,

some mouldy cheese,
some stale bread,

some cold mash potato
with lumps in...

No, thank you. I'm not hungry now.

I bet you'll be glad when
old Peg packs this job in.

Don't you believe
it. I'm doing very

well without her, don't you worry.

Well, it looks like it.

I haven't had a decent
dinner for two solid months.

She goes out seven
o'clock in the morning.

I never know what time
she's coming back.

I hardly see her
at all these days.

- What's she doing?
- How do I know?

- Haven't you even asked her?
- Certainly not.

If she doesn't want
to tell me, I'm

certainly not going
to ask her, mate.

I just couldn't care
less, that's all.

Cor, Charlie, please.

That's no way to handle women.

Hark who's talking. What
about you and Sally?

Well, that's different, innit?

We're not even married. Anyway, I
gave her a bloody good talking to

and we've reached
an understanding.

And what's that?

I don't know. We're not
talking to each other.

There you are, you see.

No, I am not gonna
be crawling around,

begging for information, mate.

If she wants to tell me
what she's doing, all

right, but I am not asking
her. I don't wanna know.

Oh, Ted, what is she up
to? What is she doing?

Right, girls, this is it.

I want you to get out
there and grab all the

business from under
their smug male noses.

I don't care how you do it, within

reason, just get the
fares in your cabs.

In the back of the cab, dear,
with you in the front.

- Any questions?
- Well, actually, darling,

do you think we really
stand a chance?

I mean, there are far more
men drivers, actually.

I know, but the men haven't
got your advantages, dear.

Just flash your headlamps at 'em.

And, any way, this
is just the start.

There'll be more
of you on the road

just as fast as Flo can train 'em.

Supposing we have a man passenger

and he tries to start something...

Then use this.

- What's that?
- A starting handle.

There's nothing better
for stopping something.

Right, into your cabs, girls.

Well, here goes, Flo. I hope
I'm doing the right thing.

Are you still worrying
about your old man?

Look, you said yourself, the only
thing he worries about is cabs.

Well, you're just giving him
a few more to worry about.

I know, but... well, it's all
his money we're using, really.

And you're just giving him a
taste of his own medicine.

If this doesn't make
him sit up and take

a bit of notice of
you, nothing will.

Anyway, you can't stop now.

That's right.

- Get 'em off.
- That's more like it. Right.

Signs on.

Waggons roll.

Ooh, I say, you'll never
guess what I've just seen.

A smashing bit of
overtime driving a cab.

Get away.

I just saw Charlie Claw
selling bootlaces.

Go on. How much were they?

- Oh, belt up. Have a cup of tea.
- Oh, thank you.

Smashing bit of
overtime driving a cab.

But it was.

A brunette, and she was covered
all over with... legs and things.

Don't be filthy.

Pintpot, please, birds
don't drive cabs.

They can't. They've haven't got...

- That's her.
- Excuse me.

This is the cab drivers'
café, isn't it?

- That's right.
- Oh, jolly good.

Well... Well, I'd like...
Oh, no, what was it?

Oh, yes, a cup of char and a wad.

I'm off.

What's the hurry?

I can't afford to let my
missus catch me in here.

She took me off the buses
cos of the clippies.

Any of you chaps free?

Oh, yes, I am, darling.

I say.

Would you mind taking
me to the Station

Hotel, please, and take your time.

Oh, I'd love to.

Excuse me interfering, but
we have a system here.

First in, first out. Len was
in first, so it's his fare.

Oh, dear.

I'm terribly sorry,
darling, but it looks

as if you won't be
able to have me.

Don't you believe it, my dear. I
have a system, too, ladies first.

After you.

What are you going
to do about that?

All right. All right.

It's no good yelling at me.
I can't stop 'em, can I?

There must be a couple
of dozen of them

on the road at least.
It's not fair.

And you should see the
stuff that's driving them.

Don't be disgusting. What chance
do we stand against that?

It's up to you to do something.

What do you expect me
to do about it? Dress

you all up in tight
skirts and falsies?

- Don't be so common.
- Here's Charlie.

Let's go and see what
he's got to say.

Charlie, you've got to
do something. These lads

are full of complaints
about these other cabs.

I know all about it and
I don't like it any

more than you do. I've
just seen one of 'em.

- What's she look like, Charlie?
- She had a...

- Who cares what she looks like?
- I reckon the customers will.

Yes. Let's go in the canteen
and talk about it. Come on.

Where did that come from?

I put it there. I thought it
might cheer the place up a bit.

Fifth columnist.

You've got a cheek
putting that up there.

- Where did you get it?
- Someone gave it to me.

Sounds like a marvellous
service to me.

Here, listen to this. Listen.

"Glamcabs. The modern
efficient way to travel.

No draughty old taxis.

Ring 32323 for prompt
and pleasant service.

No waiting. No tipping."

No tipping?

- Cor.
- What about that?

Looks like you've got
real competition there.

Hey, look at this bit, though.

"Our drivers are there to please.

Just ask for what you want"?

Really? Cor.

What was that number again?

Oh, shut up.

You lot stay here. I'm going
to find out who's behind this.

32 Dawson Street.

Thank you, sir.

- Got that, Flo?
- Yeah.

Calling Anthea. Calling Anthea.

Anthea here.

Go to 32 Dawson Street

and pick up a
gentleman, all right?

Of course, darling.
I've been picking

up gentlemen since I was 17.

If the orders keep
coming in at this rate,

we're gonna need twice
the number of cars.

Glamcabs at your service.

Just a minute.

Who's that?

This is the switchboard
here. Can I help you?

This is Charlie Hawkins,
Speedee Cab Company.

I'd like to have a
word with your boss.

Oh, just a minute, Mr Hawkins,
I'll put you through.

Good morning, Mr Hawkins.

Do you require a cab?

No, I do not require a
cab. Who's that speaking?

Mrs Glam, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, Mrs Glam, it's
obvious to me that you

don't know much about
the cab business,

so I thought I'd just
ring you up, give

you a couple of words
of friendly advice.

I hate to see anybody lose money.

Oh, I don't think I'll
do that, Mr Hawkins,

judging by our
business so far today.

Yes, well, first day,
flash in the pan, novelty

value and all that, but
it won't last, you know.

You see, there's not
enough business

for two cab companies
in this town.

I agree, Mr Hawkins.
You're so right.

Now there's a sensible woman.

I'll tell you what
I am prepared to

do, Mrs Glam. I will buy you out.

Oh, that's very sporting
of you, Mr Hawkins,

but I think it would
be much more to the

point if I took over
your old business.

My old business?

Of course, I'd have to
scrap a lot of your cabs

and, as for your
drivers, well, you

must admit, most of
them are past it.

Past it? How dare you. I'll
show you if we're past it.

You want a war, Mrs
Glam, you can have it.

Flo, my husband's
just declared war.

He'll be sorry. Our troops have
got much better weapons than his.

Taxi, sir?

Oh, Charlie, come to bed.

How do you expect
me to sleep, with

you walking up and down all night?

Sleep? You're not
supposed to sleep.

You should be thinking of some way
to help me beat this Glamcab lot.

That? Surely you're not worried
by a lot of silly women.

No, of course I'm not worried
by a lot of silly women,

but if they keep
pinching our business,

we'll need that job of yours.

Things that bad?

Well, dear, why don't you sell the

business while you've
got the chance?

We could get that little
cottage, have some fun.

Never. Never.

I am not going under
without a fight.

Well, why do you have
to keep fighting?

Why can't you go and see this Mrs
Glam and make up to her, you know?

- Turn on the old charm?
- Yeah.

What a marvellous
idea. I love you.

No.

No. I can just imagine
what she's like.

I've talked to her on the phone.

I can see her now,
some hatchet-faced old

hag with a moustache.
A beard, even.

No. I am going to beat them even
if I have to run at a loss.

That's it. That's it.

I'll undercut 'em.

- Morning.
- Oh, good morning, sir.

I want 1,000 pamphlets like this
printed, please. Right away.

Shan't be able to do it right
away, I'm afraid, sir.

We've got a couple of thousand
of these to do first.

Never mind.

- I've got it, Charlie. Look.
- What's that?

Plastic gas mask holders. A
thousand of 'em. Got 'em cheap.

- What for?
- Well, don't you get it?

We give one of these
away free with every

cab journey of five miles or over.

Plastic gas mask holders?
That's brilliant.

All we need now is
some plastic gas.

Well, it was just an
idea, that's all.

Very handy. You can
put things in 'em.

- Pick up there at the hospital.
- I've got it. I've got 'em.

That's it. That's them
all right. Well done.

Wait a minute, I'm not
quite tuned in yet.

- What's he trying to get?
- The Glamcabs wavelength.

The idea is that we
pick up their signals

and get our blokes
there first. Smart?

- There's your tea.
- Ta.

- Where's mine, then?
- Sorry, I don't serve strangers.

Still got her well-trained, I see.

Yes? Oh, hello, Sally.

Why? What's happened?

Oh, tuning in to our radios?

Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.
Thanks for letting me know.

Calling Louise. Calling
Louise. Proceed

to 20 Chester Road
and pick up party.

20 Chester Road and pick up party.

Chester Road. Chester Road. Here,
that's right on the outskirts.

Get 'em to No.20 quick.

Come in, 1-4. Come in 1-4.

Anyone home?

Somebody's potty.

Another one coming through, sir.

Calling Gladys. Got a
nice long trip for you.

Go to Westford and pick up a party
at 5 Wilbur Place. 5 Wilbur Place.

Westford.

West... That's ten miles away.

Wait a minute.
Pintpot's out there,

driving Peggy. Get him onto it.

We'll show 'em.

Calling Pintpot. Calling Pintpot.

Well, it's obvious, innit?

Somebody has tipped them off that
we're pinching their orders.

Yes. Ooh, there aren't half some

dishonest people
about, aren't there?

Yeah, but what can you expect
from a bunch of birds?

From now on, we have
got to play it rough.

Two cups of coffee and two
cheese rolls, please.

No more, thank you.

I'll er... have another
cup of tea, Molly.

Trouble, sweetheart?

I think it's what they
call a puncture, darling.

Oh, too bad. Good job
you hadn't got a fare.

You mean, it's a good job I had.

The dirty old man.

Oh, excuse me, sir, would
you like another cab?

No, thank you, I'm rather
enjoying this one.

Broken down? What a shame.

These fancy jobs, you can't rely
on 'em. Can I take you somewhere?

No, thank you. We can manage.

Blimey. They're even
carrying their own spares.

I give in.

- Hello, Peg. You're back early.
- Yes.

- Where's Charlie?
- Upstairs with Ted.

Is he mad. Today's just
about finished him.

Another few weeks like this
and he'll be out of business.

Yes, I know.

Well, you don't seem
very happy about it.

I'm not. I wish I'd never
started this thing.

How's he gonna feel
when he finds out

it's me, his own wife,
who ruined him?

- I never thought of that.
- No.

But he's not gonna
find out, because

I'm going to tell him, now.

He won't like it much, Peg.

Nor will I, but it's got
to be done, because...

Well, I've got another little
bit of news for him too.

How'd it be if we changed
cabs, got all new ones?

It'd be more to the point
if we all changed sex.

Yeah.

Ooh, those blooming women. Well,
I'm not beaten yet, mate.

Cab driving is the
last male stronghold

and I'm gonna defend
it to my last penny.

Mm. Well, that won't be long
coming, if you go on at this rate.

Hello, what's this, then?

Home at six? What's
happened? Lose your job?

No. As a matter of
fact, that's what

I want to tell you about, Charlie.

Yeah, well, if you'll
excuse me, I'll

be in the canteen if you want me.

All right. I'll think of
something, don't you worry.

You know where we went
wrong, don't you?

We should've put all
their cabs out of

action before they
went on the road.

Charlie... there are two things
I want to tell you about.

They're both going to come as
a bit of a shock, I'm afraid.

That's it.

Ted, get all the boys together.
I've got it. I'll show 'em.

Charlie, will you
listen to me, please?

Yeah, what is it?

Well, first of all,
about these Glamcabs...

We don't have to worry
about them any more.

By tomorrow morning,
I'll have 'em settled.

Yeah, but you don't have
to keep fighting them,

Charlie. That's what I
wanted to tell you about.

You don't think I'm just going to
sit back and let 'em take over?

No. We're gonna raid
their yard tonight

and put the whole
lot out of action.

What? You can't do that,
Charlie. That's not fair.

Not fair? Do you call
it fair to have a

lot of starry-eyed
bints driving cabs,

pinching our fares
by showing their

legs and sticking
out their big ends?

Look, will you just
shut up for a moment?

Whose side are you on?

Theirs. What you're gonna
do is wrong, Charlie.

Oh, right, so, "It's
wrong, Charlie."

And I'm a right Charlie.

Of all the obstinate,
pig-headed idiots...

All right. You asked for it.

You're gonna get it.

Well, lads, that's just about it.

Be outside their yard
at five-to-twelve, and

remember, no rough stuff
and no real damage.

Just enough to put 'em out
of action for a while.

Won't the the gates be locked?

Don't worry. Ted'll be
in there to let us in.

How will he get in?

With a little bit of
help from Molly here.

There he is. Get fixed up, Ted?

I told Sally all about
it. She managed

to fix me up with a few things.

You ought to see him.

I can't wait. Well, come on,
Ted, open up. Don't be bashful.

What about your hat?

Cor blimey, it's 'orrible.

Hello, boys.

How do you do?

A cup of tea, Molly, please.

Oh, my dear, I am
a clumsy old cow.

I'm sorry. Look, you'd
better come in the

back. I'll get that lot
dried off for you.

Oh, what a shame. I hope she
hasn't ruined her uniform.

Poor girl.

Well, come on. Get cracking.

Walk like a bird.

Now, remember, once
you get inside, hide

yourself until you
hear me whistle.

- Ooh.
- What's the matter?

You'd know if you had
elastic pants on.

It's like sitting in a catapult.

Well, take off. Go on. Go on.

They say they're all
the same in the

dark. I wouldn't take
a chance. Blimey.

There he is. Just look
at him, the big gump.

Did he really think
we'd fall for that?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

All right, Flo. You
know what to do.

Not half. He'll be
sorry he ever came.

Just a minute, girls.
We want to get

all those uniforms
pressed tonight,

so off to the locker
room and get out of 'em.

Come along, dear.

Watch it.

Come on. Off with 'em,
quick as you can.

Come along, dear. Hurry up.

Phwoar.

Darling... Darling,
this thing's killing

me. Could you unhook it for me?

Come on. Come on.

- We're all ready for 'em.
- Good. Shouldn't be long now.

That sounds like them.
Quick, come inside.

Come on. This way. Come
on. Over that way.

Hey. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Come on. Come on.

Turn it off.

Come on, quick.
Quick, lads, get out.

There must be some other way.

No, mate. We're licked.
It's the only thing to do.

Like we used to say in the army,
if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

It would have been all
right last night if

some rotten so-and-so
hadn't tipped 'em off.

It's no good worrying about
that now. I've got to do it.

I have got to see this Mrs
Glam and arrange a merger.

Hang on. I've seen
that face before.

So they've got you
working for 'em,

have they? Where's the boss, Flo?

In the office over there.

Bye, then. I'll drop
by this evening

and tell you how things are.

Sally.

So that's how they found
out about last night.

You viper in the bosom, you...

Now, Ted, listen,
it wasn't just me.

- Charlie...
- Don't you Charlie me.

As far as I'm concerned, you
can make that two bosoms.

Oh, no, Charlie,
don't go in there.

Get out of the way. Come on.

You.

I... So that's it.

Gawd, blimey, what
a mug I've been.

Charlie, please, I know
what you're thinking.

Good, then it saves me telling
you, doesn't it, Mrs Glam.

This is ridiculous, your
having to sleep here.

Why won't you come up to my
place? We've got a spare room.

No, thanks all the same,
Sal, but it's handy here

and Charlie knows where to
find me when he wants me.

If he wants you. It's
been a month now.

Three weeks... four days.

Well, I hope you haven't
been trying to phone

again. It's up to him
to do the asking.

- He closed the door on you.
- It was my fault though.

- How is he?
- How should I know?

Well, I thought you
might have seen Ted.

No, I haven't. Not since that day.

Funny how I miss him though...
pig-headed little runt.

I know. I feel the same about
Charlie, the obstinate old...

Well, they're not
worth crying over,

and you've got a business to run.

It's Friday and you've got to be
at the bank at 10:30 as usual.

Charlie, where the hell
have you been all night?

Seeing my friend here off.

Why?

There's been murder going on here.

I mean, half the
chaps want to quit

because there isn't enough work.

Let 'em.

There's all these bills, too.

Send 'em back.

Oh, Charlie, you can't go
on drinking like this.

Can't I? See...

Here. What do you think you're...

That's right. Cut the
chatter and start driving.

Is this a hold-up?

No, we're all going on
a picnic. Now shut up.

Here, you, get the cash.

No, let them have it, Sal.

If this is a hold-up,
where are we going?

You'll find out. Just follow

directions. Turn left
at the end here.

Into Dale Road, you mean?
Turn left into Dale Road.

Yeah, now shut up, will you?

Hardly worth your bothering about.

There's only £800
in those cash bags.

Will you switch that
blooming thing off, Sarge?

No, that's Peg's voice.

Just keep quiet and drive, unless

you want an extra
hole in your ear.

Big hero. You've got the cash, why
not let me and Mrs Hawkins go?

- So you can run to the police?
- Sally.

We've got other plans for you two.

That's Peg and Sal.
They're in danger.

- That's a hold-up.
- Shut up a minute. Let's listen.

- Left at the junction here.
- Turn left at the next junction.

That takes us into Rigby Road.

- We'll be going east.
- What is this?

What's the running
commentary for all the time?

Oh, wait a minute.

This is a hold-up, Glamcab No.19.

Call the police.

She's gone. I've lost her.

Well, don't just sit
there. Get her again.

Wait a minute. Here's something...

Hello, this is Pintpot and
I've got a leak in my sump.

You'll have one in
your head if you

don't get off this blooming air.

Hello. Calling all Speedee Cabs.

All Speedee Cabs, now
listen, and listen good.

Is there anybody near the
east end of Rigby Road? Over.

I'm not far from it, guv'nor.

Len, good lad. I want
you to go to the east

end of Rigby Road and
block it. Understand?

Yeah but, Mr Hawkins, I've got a
couple of smoochers in the back

and they asked me to take my time.

Oh, blimey, they won't
know the difference.

- Go on, get cracking.
- I'll get the police.

Here, what's that damn fool doing?
Use your horn. Use your horn.

Turn round. Turn round quick.

Hello? Hello, Mr
Hawkins? It's Len here.

They've turned around
and they're going back

up Rigby Road. They've
turned off left.

Wentworth Street. Who's
on the station rank?

Allbright.

It would be. Tell
Allbright to go to the

south end of Wentworth
Street and block it.

Now listen out, all cabs. Hello,
Allbright. Hello, Allbright.

Proceed to the south end of
Wentworth Street and block it.

That won't stop 'em
at all. They're here.

- They might turn up Dawes Road.
- That's what I want 'em to do.

If we can get 'em
to go down Dawes,

right into the Aldershot Road,

we'll have 'em out in open country

on a road with hardly
any turn-offs.

But they might turn round and
go back up Wentworth Street.

Yes. Tell Len to follow
up and make dead

sure he stops 'em going
back up Wentworth.

Hello, Len. Hello, Len.
Follow up and make sure

you stop 'em going back
up Wentworth Street.

What the hell's going
on? Is everyone

nuts in this town? Turn around.

Hello, Sarge, I stopped him. He's

turned and going
back up Wentworth.

Right. Follow him. We want to
make him turn down Dawes Road.

All right, but I
don't know what the

union's going to say about this.

The union.

Well, really.

What's this idiot
think he's doing?

He's gonna ram us. Here,
turn off. Turn off.

Guv, we've done it.
He's gone down Dawes.

Good boy.

Ted, we've got him going now.

Tell Len and Allbright
to follow up,

make sure he doesn't double back.

No.23 to the intersection of Dawes

and Aldershot to
make him turn left.

Hello, 23. Hello,
23. Proceed to the

intersection of Dawes
and Aldershot.

Objective: make the
enemy turn left.

16 to cut off possible right
turn into Henry Street.

Hello, 16. Cut off possible
right turn into Henry Street.

- 16.
- It is 16, look.

- Give it to me. Where was it?
- There.

Damn these cabs.

- Where does this road go?
- Aldershot.

Aldershot? We don't
wanna go that way.

We've got no choice, stupid.

They're using the cab
radios to head us off.

We've got to dump this cab fast.

He's going south on
the Aldershot Road.

Lovely. Tell Len, Allbright and
the others to follow up slowly.

32 and 16 to cut 'em off
at the top of Snow Hill.

Slow up.

It's another of those
damn things ahead.

It's all right. Look,
there's nobody in it.

Empty?

Here, who said there
weren't a Santa

Claus? Pull up in front of it.

Let go of my arm.

Here, cop this.

Hey, that's my cab.

Oh, I do feel such a fool.

I don't understand it.
Where have they got to?

The boys on Snow Hill should've
spotted 'em coming by now.

Unless they turned off
into Mill Lane, here.

Oh, gawd blimey, I
forgot that one.

Here, wait a minute,
Pintpot was near

Mill Lane when he had
his sump trouble.

Where is he now?

I don't know. He hasn't
called in since.

That big nit. Just when
we need him. Find him.

Come in, Pintpot. Come in,
Pintpot. Come on, let's have you.

What is going on here?
What is the matter?

Why doesn't somebody spot 'em?
Why doesn't somebody call in?

It looks like we've
lost 'em somehow.

Give me that.

Hello, Charlie calling Pintpot.
Charlie calling Pintpot.

Pintpot, come in.

- Pintpot, where the hell are you?
- Here.

Thank gawd for that.

Now listen carefully, Pintpot.
Where exactly is "here".

- By the door in your office.
- Right. I want you to get down...

What are...? What are
you doing back here?

Well, one of the Glamcab
drivers pinched

my cab while I was working on it.

You great big twit,
those were the crooks.

Yeah, but, where was this?

On the Aldershot Road,
just past Mill Lane.

Mill Lane...

They must have turned
down here, Charlie.

If they've gone down there,
mate, we can still stop 'em.

There's no turning
off that road for

ten miles till you get to Riseley.

Except this little road
that leads to the heath.

Well, that's it. That's it, Ted.

If we can drive 'em down
that road onto the heath...

Sarge, get some of the
boys to go to the

Riseley end of Mill
Lane and head 'em off.

The rest can move in
from here, right?

Check.

Come on. You and I
come in from the

other side of the heath. Come on.

Look out for a
stolen taxi believed

proceeding in the
direction of Aldershot.

- Over and out.
- Ok. Let's go.

- Mill Lane, you said this was.
- Yes.

Leads to Riseley.

Turn right there and we're
on the main road to London.

Do you reckon we're
clear now, then?

Yeah, course. Not even
looking for this old

cab, are they? Nothing
to stop us now, mate.

Blimey. They're all crazy.

I don't believe it. There's
blooming thousands of 'em.

The ones behind are still coming.

Mr Hawkins, they've
taken the heath road.

Hooray.

Sarge, tell 'em to
follow on that side of

the heath and get the
rest to follow me.

- Right?
- Check. Over and out.

Ted, we've got 'em,
mate. We've got 'em.

Hey, what's this bloke
think he's doing?

Not again.

One, two, three, four... Can't be.

Hello, Charlie.
Hello, Charlie. Enemy

reported approaching the heath.

- Enemy approaching the heath.
- Sarge, I love you.

There's five of the boys
behind us, Charlie.

- Six.
- Lovely.

Now listen, you lot,
and listen good.

Fan out across the heath and
move in. Fan out and move in.

That's it, now stay nice
and tight. Move in.

We've got him now. He's trapped.

Mr Hawkins. Quick.
Grab 'em. Hold on.

Good. Now you, sir.

Come on.

- Give us a hand here.
- Break it up. Come on. Come on.

Got him?

Peg, what is it? What
have they done to her?

It's all right,
she's only fainted.

What do you mean only fainted?
We've got to get her to a doctor.

She's been to a doctor, Charlie.

It's not unusual for someone in
her condition to faint, you know.

In her condition...
In her condition?

Might as well be getting home.

Yeah, I can just see
it there, written

up on the old board. Marvellous.

"Charles Hawkins and
Son. Cabs for..."

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Hey, what's coming? Wait
a minute. It's Pintpot.

He's coming straight for
us. He's gonna hit us.

Got you, you crooks.
All right, come out...

Ooh, I say. What will
you think of me?

He kills me. Give me the mike.

Look at this. Ooh.

Oh, what's the use. Call me a cab.

Right.

I shan't be a minute.

Cab. Cab.