Carry On Cabby (1963) - full transcript

Speedee Taxis is a great success, which means its workaholic owner Charlie starts neglecting Peggy, his wife. Suddenly a fleet of rival taxis appears from nowhere and start pinching all the fares. The rivals are Glamcabs, and they have a secret weapon. All their drivers are very attractive women! Who's behind Glamcabs? It's open warfare and only one fleet can survive!

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Wotcha, mate.

Oi, where's the funeral, then?

Watch it, mate, she's

got out of the box.

Don't do that when you take your

test, mate, you'll never pass.

You filthy, rotten road hog.

Good for you, lady.

What's the matter with you?

Can't you give a hand signal?

Oh, veteran driver.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie. Ted.

Hello, Peg, and how are

you this lovely morning?

Never mind the lovely

morning. Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Oh, I don't know, Peg.

Perhaps he's in the office.

No he's not, I've

just been in there.

Oh.

I meant... the other

office, you know, the...

What, for two hours?

Oh, come off it, Ted, you can't

fool me. Has he gone out cabbing?

Oh, no. Well, he wouldn't do that,

would he? Not after

he's promised you.

He's somewhere around, I expect.

Don't worry. Look, I'll find him.

Well?

It's all right, I've finished it.

You mean you've done all

the things you said?

Yeah.

How did you do 'em, then?

It's simple, just

took up the slack.

Service.

What do you want?

Oh, sorry. Beg your pardon.

I think I'll have a nice quick

fourpenny roll with you.

That's enough sauce out of you,

Ted. If you don't shut up...

- Give us a kiss, then.

- No, I won't.

You ought to be...

Ooh.

I wish I had a nice

big spanner handy.

So do I. I'd get you

loosened up a bit.

Why don't you two get married and

we could all get a bit of peace?

That suits me fine.

How about it, Sally?

Over my dead body.

That's not what you

said in the pictures.

Why, what did I say?

Oh, very romantic it

was. What was it, now?

Oh, yeah, she said, "You get

your hand away." she said.

He was trying to pinch

my walnut crackles.

Yeah, and I very nearly did too.

We'll have to get

married now, won't we?

I'm warning you, if you

don't shut up, I'll...

I'll fling this tea

in your ugly mug.

Ooh, blimey, I'm going.

Sounds too much like home.

Yeah, watch out for that clutch,

Smiley. It's a bit fierce.

Walnut crackles.

No, I haven't.

You should have opened

the gate first.

I did open the gate.

Smiley, what the devil's going on?

- Blimey. What's happened?

- He forgot to open the gate.

I didn't forget to open

the perishing gate.

You must have done.

It's shut, look.

That's right.

I shut it when I came in.

Would you mind

shutting up, when...?

- You shut it?

- Well, of course I did.

Why?

It says, "Have you closed the

gate?" And I hadn't, so I did.

But I'd just opened it to

go out, you great big nit.

All right, Smiley, I can

handle this. Just drive

down to the repair bay

before Charlie sees it.

- Who are you? What do you want?

- Oh, I want a job.

Made a good start, haven't you?

Oh, have I started?

Look, cock, shove off.

Try the breaker's

yard. It's more in your line.

Oh. Are you the boss or something?

I'm what they call the

something manager.

And my advice to you is to be off.

- You mean buzz off?

- No, but you're getting warm.

But I want to be a taxi driver.

The bloke who gave me this card,

he said I'd be all right here.

"This is to introduce..."

Oh, ex-army?

Yeah.

Well, the boss likes

to look after the

boys, you know. He

was in it himself.

Yes. Is your name really Tankard?

Yes. Terry Tankard, only the

boys always called me Pintpot.

Well... Are you sure

it was Pint-pot?

Oh, yes. You see, it's

cos my name is Tankard.

Oh, right. Thank you

very much indeed. The

boss is out with a

cab at the moment,

so you'd better come

and have a cuppa.

Thank you.

Sorry.

There won't be much

of this place left.

Well, Ted, where is he, then?

Er... where's who, Peg?

You know very well

who. The guv'nor.

You can't see him now.

He's out in a cab.

Oh? How do you know?

He told me.

Oh, I remember now. Yes.

You see, we're rather

short of drivers...

You needn't bother

making excuses for him.

The fact is, he'd

rather spend his time

playing about with a

taxi than with me.

Oh, don't talk nonsense, Peg.

You know he loves

playing about with...

I mean spending time with you.

What time? He's up

and out before I'm

awake and not back

till after I'm asleep.

I haven't had a chance to talk

to him since last Wednesday,

and then it was

only with his legs.

His legs?

Yes, sticking out

from under a cab.

It's not fair. He knows

I can't get under one.

You can't blame him for

working hard, Peg.

There's lots of women who'd be

pleased to be married to Charlie.

So would I, and I'm his wife.

Well... I want to talk to him.

Which cab has he got out?

- 66.

- Clickety-click.

I'll give him clickety-click.

That's right. Have you got

everything on the front?

Yes, now, that little

one can go on the seat.

No, I think I'd better take that.

No. No, it had better

go on the seat.

That's right. Now,

then, the basket

can go on the seat with me, too.

Now... I'll take the umbrella.

Thank you.

That's it. Now, then,

that just leaves

this one, and be very

careful with this.

It's real cowhide.

Naturally. It belongs to

a real... Cowhide is it?

Are you sure you haven't

forgotten anything?

Like kitchen sink,

parrot, husband?

My husband has passed on.

I'm not surprised.

Are you sure he's in 66,

Mrs H? He don't answer.

I'm positive. Just keep trying.

Come in, 66. Where are you?

Where are you, 66? Come

on, let's have you.

All right, all right,

Sarge, I'm here. Don't

do your nut. What's

all the panic about?

I'll talk to him.

- Charlie, is that you?

- Oh, blimey.

- Are you there, Charlie?

- This is Radio Luxembourg.

And now for a spot of

the old dance music.

You can stop that nonsense.

I know it's you.

Charlie, have you

forgotten what today is?

Today?

No, sweetheart, of course I

haven't forgotten what today is.

I mean, how could I

forget what today is?

Oh, blimey, it's our anniversary.

Exactly. Heaven knows,

I don't ask much,

but I would have thought

this was one day in a

year when you didn't

have to go out cabbing.

Cabbing? What makes you

think I'm cabbing, love?

I just slipped out to

get you a present.

Really, Charlie?

You don't think I'd be plying for

hire on a day like this, do you?

Driver, please don't talk while

you're driving. It

makes me nervous.

- Who was that?

- Who was what, love?

Who's that woman

you've got with you?

Oh, just some old... faggot I'm

taking to the station, that's all.

I thought you said

you weren't cabbing.

It happened to be

on the way. There's

no point in turning

down a few bob.

Charlie, I don't know

what's happened to you.

You never used to be like this.

Do you remember what you said

to me on our wedding night?

Of course I remember.

I said... Move over and give

us a bit of room, mate.

What? What did you say?

I wasn't talking to

you, sweetheart. I'm

talking to some other

lunatic... driver.

Well, just to refresh your memory,

you said you'd never let anything

come between us and our happiness.

I know that, love, but I can't...

Kindly concentrate

on your driving.

- Oh, belt up.

- Charlie.

- I'm talking to the old faggot.

- I beg your pardon?

I happen to be talking to my wife.

Well, I'm glad you realise that.

Look here, Peg, I'm trying to

do three things at a time.

I'll be home in five minutes with

something very nice for you.

Really, Charlie?

What is it?

That would be

telling, wouldn't it?

Something to wear.

Something very special.

What is it, Charlie?

Driver, I really don't feel safe.

Never you mind. Just

slip out of your

old clothes, get into

something slinky

and I'll be back there

with something very nice.

Help. Police. Stop the cab.

- Let me out of here. Help.

- She's gone mad.

Has she gone raving

mad or something?

Police.

- Police. Mad woman.

- Police.

All right, Allbright,

time you were off.

What are you hanging

around here for?

I've got a complaint.

Don't worry. Keep

taking the tablets.

You can laugh if you

like, but I was

thinking of calling

a protest meeting.

About what?

All these ex-service

people you keep training.

It's placing our jobs

in jeopardy. Yeah,

that's the only word

for it. "Jeopardy".

Right, then, before

Charlie started,

there wasn't a regular

cab service here.

Now we've got 40, employing

20 regular drivers...

It's up to me in my official

capacity as shop

steward to make...

an official complaint.

I know about that, but

you've got to sort it out.

Here's your tea.

Can I get you a cup, Mr Watson?

No, thanks. I'll get my own.

It slipped out of my

hand. Terribly sorry.

Couldn't have happened

to a nicer bloke.

That poor lad.

That's the third cup of

tea he's bought since

he came in here. He

hasn't got one down yet.

Could I have another

cup, Miss, please?

Here you are, dear. Try

and get that one down.

Don't you worry. I will.

So sorry.

I say, what will you think of me?

I'll let you know

when I've dried out.

Is Peg upstairs?

Yeah. She's not too

pleased with you.

Wait till she sees the fur

coat I've bought her.

Ooh, great. This, by

the way, is Tankard.

He's a member of your old mob

and he's looking for a job.

Go on. RASC?

Had much driving experience?

Five years on the road

without an accident.

You don't do so well off it.

I'm sorry about that, Mr Hawkins.

I'm not as clumsy as

that, driving. Honest.

- What were you with?

- Bulldozers.

Then you'd make a very good cab

driver. When are the

others starting?

This morning. They're

in the office.

Blimey. I tell you what,

we'll give you a go.

You go into my office

with the others and

tell 'em I'll be along

in five minutes.

Thank you very much, Mr Hawkins.

I won't let you down, I promise.

There'll be no more mistakes.

- It's all right.

- No, no. I can do it, Mr Hawkins.

- You don't have to...

- Wait a minute.

Excuse me.

I could punish myself.

And don't open 'em

till I tell you.

Still closed?

Any minute now.

Right, now.

Ooh, Charlie.

Ooh.

It's lovely.

I'll say it is. Genuine

mammoth, that is.

Oh, don't be silly, Charlie.

Straight up. It said so on the

shop window. "Mammoth fur sale."

Ah, you're pulling my leg.

I know stranded

musquash when I see it.

Stranded musquash? Shipwrecked

meat, more like it.

I don't care what it is.

It's lovely.

- Happy anniversary.

- You too, love.

Oh, here, here's the bill.

I promised you'd send

them a cheque today.

All right.

I don't know why you put all

your money into my account.

Well, it's safer there, innit? I

get enough from tips, don't I?

I've got your present

here, Charlie.

You would have got

it earlier, only

you went out before I woke up.

Oh, you shouldn't

have bothered getting

me anything. Here,

hang on to that.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's marvellous.

That's smashing.

That's just what I wanted.

- What is it?

- It's a smoking jacket.

Oh.

There's a pipe to go

with it... and slippers.

I thought they'd go

well with the cottage.

They will, won't they?

I've found the very one, Charlie.

It's only six miles out of town.

It's all plaster and oak beams.

We can easily afford it now, too.

Yeah. Yes, it sounds

very nice, but er...

You'll love it, Charlie.

It's got this great

big garden and an

old-fashioned kitchen

and a nursery.

Yeah. Well, we don't

want to worry about

moving till the kids

come along, do we?

Here, I'd better

gallop. Excuse me.

Charlie. You're not going again?

I've got to, love. I've

got boys waiting to

start instruction. See

you at dinner time.

Damn him.

Now, then, before you

start, there are one

or two things I want

to make quite clear.

Firstly, when you get to

be a cab driver, you cut

yourself off from the

rest of the human race.

Everybody's got it in for

you and nobody loves you.

In no time at all, you'll

find that you're as

popular as a wickerwork

seat in a nudist camp,

and you know what sort of

impression that makes on people.

- Ooh, that's very good.

- Thank you.

Secondly, don't think

it's easy to get

a cabby's licence,

because it's not.

You have to pass a very

stiff police test.

Thirdly... it's hard

work and long hours.

We run a day and

night service here.

If you do night work, it

means lots of overtime,

which is very handy, but makes you

very unpopular with the missus.

Now, then, if any

of you don't fancy

the job, now's your time to speak.

We will get one night

off a week, won't we?

- Course. Are you married?

- Oh, no.

Only I belong to this

rambling club, you

see, and so does a

very nice girl, too,

and... well... once a week, we

do like to go as far as we can.

Yes.

Oh, Peg, it's really beautiful.

- You are lucky.

- Yes, aren't I?

It's just what I always wanted.

Now, Peg, you mustn't let

it upset you like this.

I can't help it.

I'm so happy.

I know just how you feel.

Like when Ted gave me this

bracelet for my birthday.

It was the nicest

present I'd ever had.

Not as nice as your

fur coat, of course.

What's the use of having a

nice fur coat if there's

no one to admire you

or take you out in it?

Right, you've all had a chance

to study this map of the town.

Len, supposing you had to

pick up a fare there, to

go to the station there,

what's your best route?

Well, that's easy. Straight

along the high street.

The "best" route, I

said, not the shortest.

A cab driver never goes straight

anywhere, mate.

Here, give me that.

Look, that's the way I'd

go. Down there, along

here, up there, there,

there, there and here.

See that? Now, that way takes

in five sets of traffic lights.

Every time you wait at

a red, it's thrupence.

Five reds, you've hit the jackpot.

Here, Pintpot, you're very good

at going as far as you can,

supposing you have to

take a fare from the

rank there to the

theatre here, show me.

Well, let me see now.

First of all, I'd turn

left into James Street.

Right into North Road.

- Left into London Road.

- Yes.

Right at the lights.

Ooh, where does that get me?

In court. You've gone

down two one-way

streets and into a

public convenience.

It's not so much not seeing much

of him or not going anywhere,

it's having to live here in the

garage, just like another cab.

Why don't you get

that cottage in the

country you're always

talking about?

I want to and it isn't as

if we can't afford it.

There's thousands in the

bank and all in my name too.

Every time I bring it up, he says

he "must be near the business".

Might be different

if we had a kid.

Don't you believe it.

Ted's just the same.

Put me and an old

engine side by side,

I'll give you one guess which

one he'd start to strip down.

They've got cabs on the

brain, both of them.

Even when we do get a chance to

talk, it's cabs, cabs, cabs.

He can't even get into bed now

without saying, "Where to?"

Well, you're too soft

with him, Peg. You

want to assert

yourself now and then.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, it's not as if

he's a bad husband,

it's just that... he doesn't seem

to have much time for me any more.

Even today, it's our anniversary.

I've hardly seen him.

You'll be going out tonight and

celebrating somehow, won't you?

I don't think so. He

hasn't said anything.

Well, don't wait for

him to say. You say.

Just tell him you want to

go out and have some fun.

Do you think I should?

What have you got to lose?

I'd better get back to the

canteen. School's out.

Oh, look at him. Ringmaster

Hawkins and his Liberty taxis.

That's it. Now keep it

nice and smooth, that's

it. Keep it going. Lovely.

That's it. Lovely.

That's it. That's the idea.

Just remember, all the time you're

cruising, you're on the

lookout for fares,

so keep those eyes going.

That's it. Lovely. Now you've all

got a touch of the cabby's eyes.

Tell you what we'll do now. We'll

pretend I'm a fare, so stand by.

Taxi.

Have you gone raving mad?

You're supposed to pick

'em up, not run 'em down.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm too

anxious, that's my trouble.

Save that for your rambling

club, mate. Get out.

Right, you lot, that wasn't

bad, but you all made

one serious mistake,

your flags are still up.

The very second somebody hails

you, get that flag down.

Here, look, I'll

show you. Hold that.

Now here's the drill. Watch.

All right, somebody,

go on, yell taxi.

Taxi.

One, two.

See that?

Here we go again. One, two.

Note the acknowledging

gesture with the right hand.

Right, come on, you have

a go. There we are.

- Ready?

- Yes.

Taxi.

One, two.

One, two.

- Using all the fingers.

- Oh.

It's courtesy to all customers

at all times, until

you see the tip, then it's

every man for himself.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir, does this

pearl earring belong to you?

What, with tweeds?

I've got a good bunch

of new lads this time.

One of them's a bit

over-enthusiastic, let's say,

but I'll soon make a good cab

driver out of him,

don't you worry.

With a bit of luck,

we'll have four

more cabs on the road next month.

Charlie...

That'll make 44. Not bad

for a town this size.

With each of them

averaging 30 quid a

week, we'll really

make some money.

Charlie, I want to

go out this evening.

Then we get three more

cabs and... You what?

I said I'd like to go out

tonight, up town or something.

Up town? What for?

Well, I'd like to see a good show,

have a nice supper after.

All right, only I thought,

as it's our anniversary,

you might like to spend

the evening with me.

I meant with you.

Oh. Well, we don't want to waste

time going up town, do we?

Just do what we always

do, get a bottle in,

watch the telly and have

a bit of a cuddle up.

Oh, yes. Like last

year, when you had

to go out on a call

halfway through.

- Halfway through what?

- Amateur boxing.

Oh, well, you don't have

to worry about that

tonight, sweetheart,

cos there's none on.

It's no good, Charlie.

I've made up my mind.

We're going out...

at seven o'clock.

But...

And I've asked Sally and

Ted to come with us.

And, what's more, we're not going

by cab. We're going in style.

By bus.

Bus?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not driving

a bulldozer now.

Just relax. Watch it.

Missed him.

Look, do me a favour,

just take it easy.

This may be an old

cab, but it's the

first one I had and

I'm fond of her.

What are you doing?

Hey. Don't do that.

You'll distract him.

Go round there.

We're home.

Oh, my gawd.

That was fun, wasn't

it? I enjoyed that.

I wish I could say the same.

Have an accident?

No thank you, we've just had some.

What's the matter with

Smiley's cab, then?

He hasn't shown up, and

he's got a booking for the

airport at six and four

other bookings later.

Can't one of the

other fellas do it?

No, they're all busy.

Airport? Well, I can

do that trip and

still be back in time

to take Peg out.

Ok, I'll do the honours for you.

Weren't you and Sal

coming out with us?

We can't let bookings

down, can we?

Anyway, it's your

anniversary, not ours.

Well, if you don't mind...

It's quite all right.

There's the address.

I'll drive if you

like, Mr Hawkins.

You're joking, aren't you?

Well, couldn't I

come with you, then?

Just to see how it's done?

No. You're not supposed to see...

Come on, then.

Oi.

Hello, Sally.

Oh. Nearly finished here,

Ted. Won't be a minute.

No need to hurry. Take your time.

What do you mean?

I've got to go home

and do my hair and

get changed and do everything yet.

Oh, you don't want to

worry about all that.

You don't think I'm going to

London looking like this?

No, I don't. You see...

Well, Smiley hasn't

turned up yet, you

see, and there's a lot

of bookings come in

and, well, I knew you

wouldn't mind if I just...

Look, Sal, please don't do it.

I know you won't do that, Sal.

There we are, then.

Just got married?

Yes.

Lovely. Won't be

wrong now, will it?

- Here we are.

- Thanks.

- Oh, what about my bag?

- She's already in.

I wonder if I've got

the right soap.

I can't remember whether

it was green for

oily skin... or oily

for green skin.

Still, after 14 years,

I don't suppose

he'd notice the difference anyway.

- Well, that's it.

- Yes.

Blimey, look at the

time. Where are they?

Oi.

Save something for later.

- Madam.

- Thank you.

That's exactly twelve

and six please, guv.

Oh, thanks.

- And keep the change.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

I wish you a very happy honeymoon.

Thanks.

- Don't forget your cases.

- Oh, my clothes.

- Thank you.

- I am so sorry.

It's a good job you won't

be needing them, isn't it?

Get back in there.

Who would've thought a towel would

have made all that

much difference?

We'll just make it. Half

an hour to get back,

ten minutes to put some

decent clobber on...

What's that bloke

playing at? What's

he trying to do? Kill himself?

Are you a taxi?

No, this is a taxi, I'm a driver,

he's a learner and you're a twit.

Now, get out of the

way. I'm in a hurry.

No, help me. My wife's

going to have a baby.

If I don't get home by

seven, mine will have a fit.

No, look, you must

help me. I've got to

get her to hospital.

It's on the way.

How do you know it's on the way?

You don't know where I'm going.

No, no, the baby's on the way.

Oh, all right, then,

but hurry up, please.

Through the white gate.

Yes, all right.

Sarge. Come in, Sarge.

Sarge.

Isn't that just my flipping luck?

Now the radio's gone

on the blink. I

can't even tell Peg

where we're going.

- Please hurry.

- I'm doing 50 now, mate.

- Aren't we anywhere near it yet?

- It's not far now.

You've been saying that

for the last ten miles.

Jeremy.

- It's all right, I'm here dear.

- We're all here, dear.

About time.

Oh. I thought it was Charlie.

Where's Ted?

We can't go. He's got

to work tonight.

What a shame. Oh, well,

never mind. Come in and

have a drink while we're

waiting for Charlie.

Wait a tick. We're

going the wrong way.

He said turn in and go

straight up to the front.

Oh, yes, but on the board it said,

"All deliveries round the back."

Here we are, then.

It's all right. It

was a false alarm.

- It was a what?

- We can go home now.

Oh, yes, she said would

you mind hurrying?

She's got something in the oven.

You can say that again.

He's late, isn't he?

- Who?

- Charlie.

Oh, yes, I suppose

he is a little bit.

Good thing. Time for

another little drinky.

Right, there we are.

Now hurry up, please.

Thank you, how much do I owe you?

Five bob that's on the clock.

- Ooh, Jeremy.

- What is it, dear?

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

- Left at the next crossroads.

- I know.

I've been here before, remember?

Trust me to get one that doesn't

know whether it's coming or going.

I wonder what it's

like to have a baby.

Why don't you ask her?

All right.

Excuse me, Miss, I...

"Miss"?

No?

No, I suppose we might

as well go back home.

Just a minute, are you absolutely

certain she is going

to have a baby?

Oh, yes. This isn't really

very surprising, you

know, because it isn't

due till next week.

If you think I'm

galloping backwards and

forwards till next week,

you're raving mad.

Stop. Stop the cab.

Help. Nurse.

Nurse.

What does he want a nurse for?

Dunno, but if it's

what I think it is,

you'd better start a fire, put the

kettle on and keep

the metre going.

Oh, yes, of course.

No.

There's only one word for him.

Stinker.

Right? Right.

But I'm not going to

take any more of it.

I'm finished.

Do you know what I'm going

to do when he comes home?

No? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm just not going to

do anything at all.

That's what I'm going to do.

Yes? Is it?

Not yet.

Ooh. This waiting is awful.

I can't stand any more of this.

What are you getting

into such a state

for? Anybody would

think it was yours.

We're daddies.

- Which one's the father?

- I am.

He is.

Well, you've got a fine baby boy.

Well done. Congratulations, mate.

- Well done. Congratulations.

- Not me. Him.

- And you too.

- Thank you.

Here, sit down, mate.

Go on, have a rest.

No, I feel wonderful.

- I feel fine.

- You haven't seen the metre.

Nurse, here, leave the baby.

Peg, are you awake?

Get out.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry I

didn't get back, but er...

I was out in the cab with

old Pintpot, you see,

and we had a baby.

Peg?

Peg?

Peg, are you in there?

Peg?

Oh, Peggy, let me in.

I want to talk to you.

Oh, Peggy, come on.

Peggy. Oh, let me in. I want to

talk to you about last night.

Good morning,

Charlie. How are you?

Look, love, I know

you're mad at me,

but it wasn't my fault. Honest.

Mad at you? Why should

I be mad at you?

About last night.

Why, what happened last night?

Well, you know, I didn't get

back in time to take you out.

Oh, yes, I remember.

You had a baby.

Yeah. No, it wasn't me. It

was this woman in the cab.

We were taking these

newly-weds to the airport.

- And they had a baby?

- Yeah.

No, it wasn't them. It

was the other couple.

We were coming back

from the air... Blimey,

what's the good? You

don't believe me.

Of course I believe you, Charlie.

You're not clever enough to

think up an excuse that good.

Look, I'm only trying

to say I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one that

should apologise.

You? What for?

Well, I've been thinking.

It's unreasonable

of me to sit around

here, moping all day,

and expect you to keep on

taking me out once a year.

Oh, blimey. Peg, I wouldn't

say you've been unreasonable.

Yeah, but I would.

It's having nothing to

do, that's the trouble.

But you don't have to worry.

I'm going to get a job.

You're going to what?

Don't you think you ought

to get down there, darling?

Seems to be some trouble.

Never mind about that. What do you

mean, you're going to get a job?

Just what I say. I'm

going out to work.

Oh, no, you're not.

Get a job.

I've never heard

anything so ridiculous

in my life. Get a

job? What can you do?

Well, I may not be able to do

anything for you any more,

but there's plenty I can

do for someone else.

All right, go and get

yourself a job if you can.

- See if I care.

- I'm going to.

Peg. Peg. Hey, Peggy,

look. I was only kidding.

Peggy, hey.

Oh, blimey, what's

going on out there?

Where are my flipping shoes?

All right. All right.

One at a time, please.

Shut up.

That's better. It's not a

peace conference, you know.

Now, come on. Let's get

this thing sorted out.

There's nothing to sort out.

She's not taking this cab out.

All right, all right. Come on,

now. What's all the row about?

Hello, Flo. Long time

no see. How are you?

I'm all right, thanks,

Mr Hawkins. But

Smiley isn't. He's had

to go to hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry about

that. I wondered

why he didn't show up yesterday.

He'll be all right.

Nothing could kill him.

Anyhow, I thought I'd come and

take his cab out for you.

No sense letting it stand idle

when we can do with the money.

- Who's objecting?

- I am. It's against union rules.

- Union rules?

- She's taking a man's job.

And she's upsetting our

working conditions.

- How?

- Well, in the first place,

we'd all have to watch

our language and, in

the second place, there's

only one WC here.

Well, I've forgotten more

language than you ever knew

and, in the second place, I don't

want to go in the first place.

Good for you, Flo.

How about that, Allbright?

Very funny, I'm sure, but

I'm warning you, if she

takes this cab out, I'm

calling all the boys out.

Forget it. I don't want

to cause you any trouble.

Sorry, Flo, but don't

worry about it.

- I'll look after you and Smiley.

- Thanks.

Come on, Ted. Get on with it.

Come on. Let's get these

cabs out on the road.

All right, Mr Allbright?

No, I like a good fight. You

gave in much too easily.

I bet you say that

to all the girls.

Mrs Sims? Would you

come up a minute?

I'd like to talk to

you about a job.

That's roughly it.

- Are you serious, Mrs Hawkins?

- Yeah, of course I am.

It's about time we showed

these men a thing or two.

Men? They're only good

for one thing. They

wouldn't be much good

at that without us.

What do you say,

then? Is it a deal.

Well, I could do

with the work, but

it's not gonna be easy, you know.

It'll take a few weeks.

The sooner we get

started, the better.

What's Mr Hawkins gonna say?

Nothing... because we're

not gonna tell him.

Oh, it's gonna be a

surprise for him?

One hell of a surprise, Mrs Sims.

I'll take 15.

May I see your legs, please?

Right. You've got the

job. Next please, Flo.

You've got the job.

Workman's Return, Waterloo, mate.

Oh, shut up.

Come in.

- Morning, Charlie.

- Sit down.

Have a bit of lunch.

I've got a cold kipper, cold chop,

some mouldy cheese,

some stale bread,

some cold mash potato

with lumps in...

No, thank you. I'm not hungry now.

I bet you'll be glad when

old Peg packs this job in.

Don't you believe

it. I'm doing very

well without her, don't you worry.

Well, it looks like it.

I haven't had a decent

dinner for two solid months.

She goes out seven

o'clock in the morning.

I never know what time

she's coming back.

I hardly see her

at all these days.

- What's she doing?

- How do I know?

- Haven't you even asked her?

- Certainly not.

If she doesn't want

to tell me, I'm

certainly not going

to ask her, mate.

I just couldn't care

less, that's all.

Cor, Charlie, please.

That's no way to handle women.

Hark who's talking. What

about you and Sally?

Well, that's different, innit?

We're not even married. Anyway, I

gave her a bloody good talking to

and we've reached

an understanding.

And what's that?

I don't know. We're not

talking to each other.

There you are, you see.

No, I am not gonna

be crawling around,

begging for information, mate.

If she wants to tell me

what she's doing, all

right, but I am not asking

her. I don't wanna know.

Oh, Ted, what is she up

to? What is she doing?

Right, girls, this is it.

I want you to get out

there and grab all the

business from under

their smug male noses.

I don't care how you do it, within

reason, just get the

fares in your cabs.

In the back of the cab, dear,

with you in the front.

- Any questions?

- Well, actually, darling,

do you think we really

stand a chance?

I mean, there are far more

men drivers, actually.

I know, but the men haven't

got your advantages, dear.

Just flash your headlamps at 'em.

And, any way, this

is just the start.

There'll be more

of you on the road

just as fast as Flo can train 'em.

Supposing we have a man passenger

and he tries to start something...

Then use this.

- What's that?

- A starting handle.

There's nothing better

for stopping something.

Right, into your cabs, girls.

Well, here goes, Flo. I hope

I'm doing the right thing.

Are you still worrying

about your old man?

Look, you said yourself, the only

thing he worries about is cabs.

Well, you're just giving him

a few more to worry about.

I know, but... well, it's all

his money we're using, really.

And you're just giving him a

taste of his own medicine.

If this doesn't make

him sit up and take

a bit of notice of

you, nothing will.

Anyway, you can't stop now.

That's right.

- Get 'em off.

- That's more like it. Right.

Signs on.

Waggons roll.

Ooh, I say, you'll never

guess what I've just seen.

A smashing bit of

overtime driving a cab.

Get away.

I just saw Charlie Claw

selling bootlaces.

Go on. How much were they?

- Oh, belt up. Have a cup of tea.

- Oh, thank you.

Smashing bit of

overtime driving a cab.

But it was.

A brunette, and she was covered

all over with... legs and things.

Don't be filthy.

Pintpot, please, birds

don't drive cabs.

They can't. They've haven't got...

- That's her.

- Excuse me.

This is the cab drivers'

café, isn't it?

- That's right.

- Oh, jolly good.

Well... Well, I'd like...

Oh, no, what was it?

Oh, yes, a cup of char and a wad.

I'm off.

What's the hurry?

I can't afford to let my

missus catch me in here.

She took me off the buses

cos of the clippies.

Any of you chaps free?

Oh, yes, I am, darling.

I say.

Would you mind taking

me to the Station

Hotel, please, and take your time.

Oh, I'd love to.

Excuse me interfering, but

we have a system here.

First in, first out. Len was

in first, so it's his fare.

Oh, dear.

I'm terribly sorry,

darling, but it looks

as if you won't be

able to have me.

Don't you believe it, my dear. I

have a system, too, ladies first.

After you.

What are you going

to do about that?

All right. All right.

It's no good yelling at me.

I can't stop 'em, can I?

There must be a couple

of dozen of them

on the road at least.

It's not fair.

And you should see the

stuff that's driving them.

Don't be disgusting. What chance

do we stand against that?

It's up to you to do something.

What do you expect me

to do about it? Dress

you all up in tight

skirts and falsies?

- Don't be so common.

- Here's Charlie.

Let's go and see what

he's got to say.

Charlie, you've got to

do something. These lads

are full of complaints

about these other cabs.

I know all about it and

I don't like it any

more than you do. I've

just seen one of 'em.

- What's she look like, Charlie?

- She had a...

- Who cares what she looks like?

- I reckon the customers will.

Yes. Let's go in the canteen

and talk about it. Come on.

Where did that come from?

I put it there. I thought it

might cheer the place up a bit.

Fifth columnist.

You've got a cheek

putting that up there.

- Where did you get it?

- Someone gave it to me.

Sounds like a marvellous

service to me.

Here, listen to this. Listen.

"Glamcabs. The modern

efficient way to travel.

No draughty old taxis.

Ring 32323 for prompt

and pleasant service.

No waiting. No tipping."

No tipping?

- Cor.

- What about that?

Looks like you've got

real competition there.

Hey, look at this bit, though.

"Our drivers are there to please.

Just ask for what you want"?

Really? Cor.

What was that number again?

Oh, shut up.

You lot stay here. I'm going

to find out who's behind this.

32 Dawson Street.

Thank you, sir.

- Got that, Flo?

- Yeah.

Calling Anthea. Calling Anthea.

Anthea here.

Go to 32 Dawson Street

and pick up a

gentleman, all right?

Of course, darling.

I've been picking

up gentlemen since I was 17.

If the orders keep

coming in at this rate,

we're gonna need twice

the number of cars.

Glamcabs at your service.

Just a minute.

Who's that?

This is the switchboard

here. Can I help you?

This is Charlie Hawkins,

Speedee Cab Company.

I'd like to have a

word with your boss.

Oh, just a minute, Mr Hawkins,

I'll put you through.

Good morning, Mr Hawkins.

Do you require a cab?

No, I do not require a

cab. Who's that speaking?

Mrs Glam, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, Mrs Glam, it's

obvious to me that you

don't know much about

the cab business,

so I thought I'd just

ring you up, give

you a couple of words

of friendly advice.

I hate to see anybody lose money.

Oh, I don't think I'll

do that, Mr Hawkins,

judging by our

business so far today.

Yes, well, first day,

flash in the pan, novelty

value and all that, but

it won't last, you know.

You see, there's not

enough business

for two cab companies

in this town.

I agree, Mr Hawkins.

You're so right.

Now there's a sensible woman.

I'll tell you what

I am prepared to

do, Mrs Glam. I will buy you out.

Oh, that's very sporting

of you, Mr Hawkins,

but I think it would

be much more to the

point if I took over

your old business.

My old business?

Of course, I'd have to

scrap a lot of your cabs

and, as for your

drivers, well, you

must admit, most of

them are past it.

Past it? How dare you. I'll

show you if we're past it.

You want a war, Mrs

Glam, you can have it.

Flo, my husband's

just declared war.

He'll be sorry. Our troops have

got much better weapons than his.

Taxi, sir?

Oh, Charlie, come to bed.

How do you expect

me to sleep, with

you walking up and down all night?

Sleep? You're not

supposed to sleep.

You should be thinking of some way

to help me beat this Glamcab lot.

That? Surely you're not worried

by a lot of silly women.

No, of course I'm not worried

by a lot of silly women,

but if they keep

pinching our business,

we'll need that job of yours.

Things that bad?

Well, dear, why don't you sell the

business while you've

got the chance?

We could get that little

cottage, have some fun.

Never. Never.

I am not going under

without a fight.

Well, why do you have

to keep fighting?

Why can't you go and see this Mrs

Glam and make up to her, you know?

- Turn on the old charm?

- Yeah.

What a marvellous

idea. I love you.

No.

No. I can just imagine

what she's like.

I've talked to her on the phone.

I can see her now,

some hatchet-faced old

hag with a moustache.

A beard, even.

No. I am going to beat them even

if I have to run at a loss.

That's it. That's it.

I'll undercut 'em.

- Morning.

- Oh, good morning, sir.

I want 1,000 pamphlets like this

printed, please. Right away.

Shan't be able to do it right

away, I'm afraid, sir.

We've got a couple of thousand

of these to do first.

Never mind.

- I've got it, Charlie. Look.

- What's that?

Plastic gas mask holders. A

thousand of 'em. Got 'em cheap.

- What for?

- Well, don't you get it?

We give one of these

away free with every

cab journey of five miles or over.

Plastic gas mask holders?

That's brilliant.

All we need now is

some plastic gas.

Well, it was just an

idea, that's all.

Very handy. You can

put things in 'em.

- Pick up there at the hospital.

- I've got it. I've got 'em.

That's it. That's them

all right. Well done.

Wait a minute, I'm not

quite tuned in yet.

- What's he trying to get?

- The Glamcabs wavelength.

The idea is that we

pick up their signals

and get our blokes

there first. Smart?

- There's your tea.

- Ta.

- Where's mine, then?

- Sorry, I don't serve strangers.

Still got her well-trained, I see.

Yes? Oh, hello, Sally.

Why? What's happened?

Oh, tuning in to our radios?

Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.

Thanks for letting me know.

Calling Louise. Calling

Louise. Proceed

to 20 Chester Road

and pick up party.

20 Chester Road and pick up party.

Chester Road. Chester Road. Here,

that's right on the outskirts.

Get 'em to No.20 quick.

Come in, 1-4. Come in 1-4.

Anyone home?

Somebody's potty.

Another one coming through, sir.

Calling Gladys. Got a

nice long trip for you.

Go to Westford and pick up a party

at 5 Wilbur Place. 5 Wilbur Place.

Westford.

West... That's ten miles away.

Wait a minute.

Pintpot's out there,

driving Peggy. Get him onto it.

We'll show 'em.

Calling Pintpot. Calling Pintpot.

Well, it's obvious, innit?

Somebody has tipped them off that

we're pinching their orders.

Yes. Ooh, there aren't half some

dishonest people

about, aren't there?

Yeah, but what can you expect

from a bunch of birds?

From now on, we have

got to play it rough.

Two cups of coffee and two

cheese rolls, please.

No more, thank you.

I'll er... have another

cup of tea, Molly.

Trouble, sweetheart?

I think it's what they

call a puncture, darling.

Oh, too bad. Good job

you hadn't got a fare.

You mean, it's a good job I had.

The dirty old man.

Oh, excuse me, sir, would

you like another cab?

No, thank you, I'm rather

enjoying this one.

Broken down? What a shame.

These fancy jobs, you can't rely

on 'em. Can I take you somewhere?

No, thank you. We can manage.

Blimey. They're even

carrying their own spares.

I give in.

- Hello, Peg. You're back early.

- Yes.

- Where's Charlie?

- Upstairs with Ted.

Is he mad. Today's just

about finished him.

Another few weeks like this

and he'll be out of business.

Yes, I know.

Well, you don't seem

very happy about it.

I'm not. I wish I'd never

started this thing.

How's he gonna feel

when he finds out

it's me, his own wife,

who ruined him?

- I never thought of that.

- No.

But he's not gonna

find out, because

I'm going to tell him, now.

He won't like it much, Peg.

Nor will I, but it's got

to be done, because...

Well, I've got another little

bit of news for him too.

How'd it be if we changed

cabs, got all new ones?

It'd be more to the point

if we all changed sex.

Yeah.

Ooh, those blooming women. Well,

I'm not beaten yet, mate.

Cab driving is the

last male stronghold

and I'm gonna defend

it to my last penny.

Mm. Well, that won't be long

coming, if you go on at this rate.

Hello, what's this, then?

Home at six? What's

happened? Lose your job?

No. As a matter of

fact, that's what

I want to tell you about, Charlie.

Yeah, well, if you'll

excuse me, I'll

be in the canteen if you want me.

All right. I'll think of

something, don't you worry.

You know where we went

wrong, don't you?

We should've put all

their cabs out of

action before they

went on the road.

Charlie... there are two things

I want to tell you about.

They're both going to come as

a bit of a shock, I'm afraid.

That's it.

Ted, get all the boys together.

I've got it. I'll show 'em.

Charlie, will you

listen to me, please?

Yeah, what is it?

Well, first of all,

about these Glamcabs...

We don't have to worry

about them any more.

By tomorrow morning,

I'll have 'em settled.

Yeah, but you don't have

to keep fighting them,

Charlie. That's what I

wanted to tell you about.

You don't think I'm just going to

sit back and let 'em take over?

No. We're gonna raid

their yard tonight

and put the whole

lot out of action.

What? You can't do that,

Charlie. That's not fair.

Not fair? Do you call

it fair to have a

lot of starry-eyed

bints driving cabs,

pinching our fares

by showing their

legs and sticking

out their big ends?

Look, will you just

shut up for a moment?

Whose side are you on?

Theirs. What you're gonna

do is wrong, Charlie.

Oh, right, so, "It's

wrong, Charlie."

And I'm a right Charlie.

Of all the obstinate,

pig-headed idiots...

All right. You asked for it.

You're gonna get it.

Well, lads, that's just about it.

Be outside their yard

at five-to-twelve, and

remember, no rough stuff

and no real damage.

Just enough to put 'em out

of action for a while.

Won't the the gates be locked?

Don't worry. Ted'll be

in there to let us in.

How will he get in?

With a little bit of

help from Molly here.

There he is. Get fixed up, Ted?

I told Sally all about

it. She managed

to fix me up with a few things.

You ought to see him.

I can't wait. Well, come on,

Ted, open up. Don't be bashful.

What about your hat?

Cor blimey, it's 'orrible.

Hello, boys.

How do you do?

A cup of tea, Molly, please.

Oh, my dear, I am

a clumsy old cow.

I'm sorry. Look, you'd

better come in the

back. I'll get that lot

dried off for you.

Oh, what a shame. I hope she

hasn't ruined her uniform.

Poor girl.

Well, come on. Get cracking.

Walk like a bird.

Now, remember, once

you get inside, hide

yourself until you

hear me whistle.

- Ooh.

- What's the matter?

You'd know if you had

elastic pants on.

It's like sitting in a catapult.

Well, take off. Go on. Go on.

They say they're all

the same in the

dark. I wouldn't take

a chance. Blimey.

There he is. Just look

at him, the big gump.

Did he really think

we'd fall for that?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

All right, Flo. You

know what to do.

Not half. He'll be

sorry he ever came.

Just a minute, girls.

We want to get

all those uniforms

pressed tonight,

so off to the locker

room and get out of 'em.

Come along, dear.

Watch it.

Come on. Off with 'em,

quick as you can.

Come along, dear. Hurry up.

Phwoar.

Darling... Darling,

this thing's killing

me. Could you unhook it for me?

Come on. Come on.

- We're all ready for 'em.

- Good. Shouldn't be long now.

That sounds like them.

Quick, come inside.

Come on. This way. Come

on. Over that way.

Hey. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Come on. Come on.

Turn it off.

Come on, quick.

Quick, lads, get out.

There must be some other way.

No, mate. We're licked.

It's the only thing to do.

Like we used to say in the army,

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

It would have been all

right last night if

some rotten so-and-so

hadn't tipped 'em off.

It's no good worrying about

that now. I've got to do it.

I have got to see this Mrs

Glam and arrange a merger.

Hang on. I've seen

that face before.

So they've got you

working for 'em,

have they? Where's the boss, Flo?

In the office over there.

Bye, then. I'll drop

by this evening

and tell you how things are.

Sally.

So that's how they found

out about last night.

You viper in the bosom, you...

Now, Ted, listen,

it wasn't just me.

- Charlie...

- Don't you Charlie me.

As far as I'm concerned, you

can make that two bosoms.

Oh, no, Charlie,

don't go in there.

Get out of the way. Come on.

You.

I... So that's it.

Gawd, blimey, what

a mug I've been.

Charlie, please, I know

what you're thinking.

Good, then it saves me telling

you, doesn't it, Mrs Glam.

This is ridiculous, your

having to sleep here.

Why won't you come up to my

place? We've got a spare room.

No, thanks all the same,

Sal, but it's handy here

and Charlie knows where to

find me when he wants me.

If he wants you. It's

been a month now.

Three weeks... four days.

Well, I hope you haven't

been trying to phone

again. It's up to him

to do the asking.

- He closed the door on you.

- It was my fault though.

- How is he?

- How should I know?

Well, I thought you

might have seen Ted.

No, I haven't. Not since that day.

Funny how I miss him though...

pig-headed little runt.

I know. I feel the same about

Charlie, the obstinate old...

Well, they're not

worth crying over,

and you've got a business to run.

It's Friday and you've got to be

at the bank at 10:30 as usual.

Charlie, where the hell

have you been all night?

Seeing my friend here off.

Why?

There's been murder going on here.

I mean, half the

chaps want to quit

because there isn't enough work.

Let 'em.

There's all these bills, too.

Send 'em back.

Oh, Charlie, you can't go

on drinking like this.

Can't I? See...

Here. What do you think you're...

That's right. Cut the

chatter and start driving.

Is this a hold-up?

No, we're all going on

a picnic. Now shut up.

Here, you, get the cash.

No, let them have it, Sal.

If this is a hold-up,

where are we going?

You'll find out. Just follow

directions. Turn left

at the end here.

Into Dale Road, you mean?

Turn left into Dale Road.

Yeah, now shut up, will you?

Hardly worth your bothering about.

There's only £800

in those cash bags.

Will you switch that

blooming thing off, Sarge?

No, that's Peg's voice.

Just keep quiet and drive, unless

you want an extra

hole in your ear.

Big hero. You've got the cash, why

not let me and Mrs Hawkins go?

- So you can run to the police?

- Sally.

We've got other plans for you two.

That's Peg and Sal.

They're in danger.

- That's a hold-up.

- Shut up a minute. Let's listen.

- Left at the junction here.

- Turn left at the next junction.

That takes us into Rigby Road.

- We'll be going east.

- What is this?

What's the running

commentary for all the time?

Oh, wait a minute.

This is a hold-up, Glamcab No.19.

Call the police.

She's gone. I've lost her.

Well, don't just sit

there. Get her again.

Wait a minute. Here's something...

Hello, this is Pintpot and

I've got a leak in my sump.

You'll have one in

your head if you

don't get off this blooming air.

Hello. Calling all Speedee Cabs.

All Speedee Cabs, now

listen, and listen good.

Is there anybody near the

east end of Rigby Road? Over.

I'm not far from it, guv'nor.

Len, good lad. I want

you to go to the east

end of Rigby Road and

block it. Understand?

Yeah but, Mr Hawkins, I've got a

couple of smoochers in the back

and they asked me to take my time.

Oh, blimey, they won't

know the difference.

- Go on, get cracking.

- I'll get the police.

Here, what's that damn fool doing?

Use your horn. Use your horn.

Turn round. Turn round quick.

Hello? Hello, Mr

Hawkins? It's Len here.

They've turned around

and they're going back

up Rigby Road. They've

turned off left.

Wentworth Street. Who's

on the station rank?

Allbright.

It would be. Tell

Allbright to go to the

south end of Wentworth

Street and block it.

Now listen out, all cabs. Hello,

Allbright. Hello, Allbright.

Proceed to the south end of

Wentworth Street and block it.

That won't stop 'em

at all. They're here.

- They might turn up Dawes Road.

- That's what I want 'em to do.

If we can get 'em

to go down Dawes,

right into the Aldershot Road,

we'll have 'em out in open country

on a road with hardly

any turn-offs.

But they might turn round and

go back up Wentworth Street.

Yes. Tell Len to follow

up and make dead

sure he stops 'em going

back up Wentworth.

Hello, Len. Hello, Len.

Follow up and make sure

you stop 'em going back

up Wentworth Street.

What the hell's going

on? Is everyone

nuts in this town? Turn around.

Hello, Sarge, I stopped him. He's

turned and going

back up Wentworth.

Right. Follow him. We want to

make him turn down Dawes Road.

All right, but I

don't know what the

union's going to say about this.

The union.

Well, really.

What's this idiot

think he's doing?

He's gonna ram us. Here,

turn off. Turn off.

Guv, we've done it.

He's gone down Dawes.

Good boy.

Ted, we've got him going now.

Tell Len and Allbright

to follow up,

make sure he doesn't double back.

No.23 to the intersection of Dawes

and Aldershot to

make him turn left.

Hello, 23. Hello,

23. Proceed to the

intersection of Dawes

and Aldershot.

Objective: make the

enemy turn left.

16 to cut off possible right

turn into Henry Street.

Hello, 16. Cut off possible

right turn into Henry Street.

- 16.

- It is 16, look.

- Give it to me. Where was it?

- There.

Damn these cabs.

- Where does this road go?

- Aldershot.

Aldershot? We don't

wanna go that way.

We've got no choice, stupid.

They're using the cab

radios to head us off.

We've got to dump this cab fast.

He's going south on

the Aldershot Road.

Lovely. Tell Len, Allbright and

the others to follow up slowly.

32 and 16 to cut 'em off

at the top of Snow Hill.

Slow up.

It's another of those

damn things ahead.

It's all right. Look,

there's nobody in it.

Empty?

Here, who said there

weren't a Santa

Claus? Pull up in front of it.

Let go of my arm.

Here, cop this.

Hey, that's my cab.

Oh, I do feel such a fool.

I don't understand it.

Where have they got to?

The boys on Snow Hill should've

spotted 'em coming by now.

Unless they turned off

into Mill Lane, here.

Oh, gawd blimey, I

forgot that one.

Here, wait a minute,

Pintpot was near

Mill Lane when he had

his sump trouble.

Where is he now?

I don't know. He hasn't

called in since.

That big nit. Just when

we need him. Find him.

Come in, Pintpot. Come in,

Pintpot. Come on, let's have you.

What is going on here?

What is the matter?

Why doesn't somebody spot 'em?

Why doesn't somebody call in?

It looks like we've

lost 'em somehow.

Give me that.

Hello, Charlie calling Pintpot.

Charlie calling Pintpot.

Pintpot, come in.

- Pintpot, where the hell are you?

- Here.

Thank gawd for that.

Now listen carefully, Pintpot.

Where exactly is "here".

- By the door in your office.

- Right. I want you to get down...

What are...? What are

you doing back here?

Well, one of the Glamcab

drivers pinched

my cab while I was working on it.

You great big twit,

those were the crooks.

Yeah, but, where was this?

On the Aldershot Road,

just past Mill Lane.

Mill Lane...

They must have turned

down here, Charlie.

If they've gone down there,

mate, we can still stop 'em.

There's no turning

off that road for

ten miles till you get to Riseley.

Except this little road

that leads to the heath.

Well, that's it. That's it, Ted.

If we can drive 'em down

that road onto the heath...

Sarge, get some of the

boys to go to the

Riseley end of Mill

Lane and head 'em off.

The rest can move in

from here, right?

Check.

Come on. You and I

come in from the

other side of the heath. Come on.

Look out for a

stolen taxi believed

proceeding in the

direction of Aldershot.

- Over and out.

- Ok. Let's go.

- Mill Lane, you said this was.

- Yes.

Leads to Riseley.

Turn right there and we're

on the main road to London.

Do you reckon we're

clear now, then?

Yeah, course. Not even

looking for this old

cab, are they? Nothing

to stop us now, mate.

Blimey. They're all crazy.

I don't believe it. There's

blooming thousands of 'em.

The ones behind are still coming.

Mr Hawkins, they've

taken the heath road.

Hooray.

Sarge, tell 'em to

follow on that side of

the heath and get the

rest to follow me.

- Right?

- Check. Over and out.

Ted, we've got 'em,

mate. We've got 'em.

Hey, what's this bloke

think he's doing?

Not again.

One, two, three, four... Can't be.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello, Charlie. Enemy

reported approaching the heath.

- Enemy approaching the heath.

- Sarge, I love you.

There's five of the boys

behind us, Charlie.

- Six.

- Lovely.

Now listen, you lot,

and listen good.

Fan out across the heath and

move in. Fan out and move in.

That's it, now stay nice

and tight. Move in.

We've got him now. He's trapped.

Mr Hawkins. Quick.

Grab 'em. Hold on.

Good. Now you, sir.

Come on.

- Give us a hand here.

- Break it up. Come on. Come on.

Got him?

Peg, what is it? What

have they done to her?

It's all right,

she's only fainted.

What do you mean only fainted?

We've got to get her to a doctor.

She's been to a doctor, Charlie.

It's not unusual for someone in

her condition to faint, you know.

In her condition...

In her condition?

Might as well be getting home.

Yeah, I can just see

it there, written

up on the old board. Marvellous.

"Charles Hawkins and

Son. Cabs for..."

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Hey, what's coming? Wait

a minute. It's Pintpot.

He's coming straight for

us. He's gonna hit us.

Got you, you crooks.

All right, come out...

Ooh, I say. What will

you think of me?

He kills me. Give me the mike.

Look at this. Ooh.

Oh, what's the use. Call me a cab.

Right.

I shan't be a minute.

Cab. Cab.