Carrie Pilby (2016) Movie Script

Here's a surprise.

Guess who's not coming

to Thanksgiving?

Your dad?

He's such a hypocrite.

I hate hypocrites.

I'm sorry.

Is this for me?

I figured you'd have

more use for it than I will.

Right.

Thanks.

I swear to God.

The man is incapable

of keeping a promise.

What was his reason?

You tell me.

He's your friend.

- Carrie...

- He said he has to, um,

stay in London.

Why would anyone choose

to stay in London?

London's awful.

When's the last time

you were in London?

When I was 12.

When your mom was sick?

Don't do that.

Do what?

Make associations in your head.

I don't like London

because it is cold,

it is repressed.

And everyone

looks like they've smoked

too many cigarettes.

Did you make any friends

this week?

You and I both know

there's a perfectly good reason

I don't have any friends.

So, what did you do this week?

What I normally do.

- Reading?

- Mostly.

And how many books

did you read?

Seventeen.

And does reading

17 books in one week

seem normal to you?

No, no, of course

it's not normal.

I mean, does skipping

three grades of school

seem normal?

Does going to Harvard

at the age of 14 seem normal?

I'm clearly not normal.

I thought we'd established

that was the problem.

Carrie, I want you to do

something for me.

What?

You and I

are going to come up with

a list of goals

you're going to achieve

between now

and the end of the year.

So, for our next session,

I want you to think about

some of the things

you'd like to have

on that list.

Things you've done

in your life and enjoyed.

What kind of things

do you expect me

to put on this list?

For example, join a club.

Why should I force myself

to go out and meet people

who have lowered

their moral, ethical,

and intellectual standards

in order to fit in

with other people

who have low moral, ethical,

and intellectual standards?

You're such a contrarian.

No, I'm not.

A little helpful advice.

One, try to stop pontificating

and rubbing

your exceptionally high IQ

in people's noses.

Two, give humanity a chance.

Someone might surprise you.

Time's up.

Carrie, wait.

You were quite late,

so I don't mind

going a couple of minutes over.

I do.

I'm actually in the middle

of reading

Foucault's

"Archeology of Knowledge."

I highly recommend it,

by the way.

And, if you speak to my dad,

please give him the message

that I don't accept

his excuses or his apologies

and that hiring me a therapist

is no more

a satisfactory replacement

for an actual parent,

than sending me off to college

at an inappropriately

young age.

Sorry for being, um...

I completely understand.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You too.

Hey, Carrie.

What's up?

Hi, Ronald.

- Do you need a menu?

- Oh, sure.

Someone still buys DVDs, huh?

Someone still does, yeah.

And you know what?

I have never had to wait

for the movie to load

halfway through the film.

I'll have the soup.

Yeah, sure.

- Hi, there.

- Hi.

Look, before you launch

into your moves or whatever,

I just want you to know

that I'm not really

in the right frame of mind

to make flirty chitchat

with a total stranger.

Even though, admittedly,

you're quite a cute one.

But I've just...

dealing with being let down

by my dad...

not for the first time.

And I've just had

a really tough session

with my therapist.

- Um...

- I'm sorry.

I just wanted to know

if I can borrow this chair.

Oh, definitely.

Yes.

Take it.

Knock yourself out!

Not with the...

chair.

Hey!

Do you want me

to pack this to go?

Yes!

Please, yes.

What the hell is that?

Yo! World music guy!

- Hey!

- Can you go

and hold your one-man

aborigine festival thing

somewhere else?

Like Australia?

Sure.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, darling,

how are you?

Got your message.

You're not coming

for Thanksgiving.

Shocker.

So sorry, darling.

I really thought

I could swing it,

but I just can't get away.

It's such

an American thing anyways.

I promise I'll be there

for Christmas.

Well, it would have been nice

to have a bit more notice.

But listen,

I do have good news.

I've found you a job

at the law firm

of a friend of mine.

In what world

is that good news?

If anything,

that is very, very bad news.

But it'll be good for you.

Well, I'm still four years

ahead of my peers.

Do you want me

to be maladjusted?

It'll be easy, I promise.

It's a night job,

proofreading legal briefs.

You love reading.

Not proofreading,

and certainly not legal briefs.

Well, at least it'll be quiet.

You won't have

to talk to a soul

if you don't want to.

If you have a better offer,

by all means.

What happened

to "Take some time"?

Well, it has

been a year, darling.

And to be absolutely honest,

it would really help

if you could

bring something to the table,

so to speak.

Isn't there some other way?

You could get a roommate

instead if you prefer.

Okay, fine.

I'll take the job.

Hello?

- What you listening to?

- Hmm?

Wait, isn't that

from Bugs Bunny?

It's "Morning."

"Peer Gynt," Edvard Grieg.

I'm pretty sure that's from

one of the "Looney Tunes."

Who are you?

- Douglas.

- Do you work here?

No, I just didn't have anyone

to spend Thanksgiving with,

so I've been wandering

around the building

hoping to find someone

to share my turducken.

Right.

I'm kidding.

You're Carrie Pilby, right?

I might be.

Sometimes when the documents

get copied and/or faxed,

the periods end up

looking like commas.

And the "Hs" end up

looking like "Ks,"

You know, that sort of thing.

No wonder lawyers

charge 400 bucks an hour,

they pay people

to play "Concentration."

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Douglas got to you first.

I always try to get

to the new people

before he does,

but he's quick as lighting.

Ooh.

I'm Tara.

Carrie.

I wish I could say he's more

the exception to the rule,

but what can I tell you?

This job attracts

a strange breed.

Clearly.

You're gonna fit in just fine.

Holidays are a drag, huh?

For some people, yes.

What did you do for yours?

Nothing.

Just...

just went to work.

What?

You got a job?

Well, my dad got it for me.

Kind of a consolation prize

for not coming to Thanksgiving.

But I didn't have

to eat any dry turkey

or talk to anyone.

Wonderful.

So, how's it going

with the list?

What list?

The list we talked

about last time.

I have no recollection

of this list.

You've got

a photographic memory.

- It's selective.

- Excuse.

I've been very busy.

Excuse.

I haven't had time to...

- Excuse!

- Stop saying...

Excuse.

Well, not to worry.

I made one for you.

Go on, read it.

"Go on a date."

"Make a friend.

Spend New Year's Eve

with someone.

Get a pet."

It'll help to have something

to care for.

Keep going.

"Do something

you loved as a child."

Like what?

Well, it could be anything.

What did you do

when you were six

that you don't do anymore?

I wrote several

strongly-worded letters

to oil companies

when I was six.

Wow, okay.

How about an indulgence

that you no longer

allow yourself?

I used to love

drinking cherry soda.

Excellent, there you go.

Great, I'll drink a cherry soda

and all my problems

will just disappear.

What's next?

"Read favorite book."

Ah!

Do you have one?

Yeah, "Franny and Zooey,"

Salinger.

But I don't have it.

I lent it to someone.

Can you get it back?

I don't know.

Well, look, just try.

See how it goes,

do what you can,

one at a time.

Why do you want me

to do this so much?

Because staying

at home in bed all day

won't make you happy.

You need to get out

and meet people,

begin some

meaningful relationships.

Maybe if you

put yourself out there,

doing things you enjoy...

Hmm, "Franny and Zooey,"

one of my favorites.

You've got good taste.

Well, welcome

to English 303, the Modernists.

I'm Professor Harrison,

and you are a bunch of kids

who think you already

know everything

but haven't even got a clue

about what life is really like

beyond the ivy walls.

It's banal, nauseating carousel

of responsibility

and disappointments,

one after another.

But, my sweater

is soft and the rain

streaking down

the window is kinda lovely,

so I guess I won't

off myself just yet.

The Modernists,

especially Joyce and Wolff

were very big

on stream of consciousness

techniques in their novels,

and you just got

your first lesson in it.

Would anyone

like to give it a try?

Say whatever

pops into your mind.

"Franny and Zooey,"

how about you?

Oh, I wouldn't know

what to say.

It's not difficult.

You just start with your name,

where you're from,

kinda go from there.

My name's Carrie Pilby,

I... well I was born in London

but I moved to New York

when I was 12

just after my mom died.

I guess I shouldn't

have said that,

'cause now everyone's

feeling weird

about the girl whose mom died.

Like I'm Antigone

or Harry Potter,

or Bambi or something.

But I'm not a Greek tragedy

or a wizard.

And if I was a character

in a movie,

I'd like to be

Katherine Hepburn,

preferably in a movie

where she gives

Spencer Tracy

a run for his money.

But I can tell

I'm boring you now.

And this is hard,

harder than skipping

fourth and eighth grade.

But not as hard

as skipping second grade,

because going

from pencil to pen

was pretty abrupt.

Excellent.

If you want to use

pencil in my class,

you're more than welcome.

Now, anyone else

wanna give it a shot?

Carrie? Carrie?

I really believe

that if you do the things

on this list,

you're going to feel

a lot better about life.

I bet I won't.

So, prove it.

Prove to me

that I don't know how

to do my job.

- You're a very odd man.

- Thank you.

That's the nicest compliment

I've had all day.

Hi.

Davy, I would like

a goldfish, please.

We're having

a two-for-one special.

I just want one.

But the other one is free.

They're social creatures.

You heard me say

I want a fish, right?

Not a chimpanzee.

Fish swim in schools.

They like company.

Fish swim in schools

because, evolutionarily,

it gives them

a better chance of surviving.

My fish is going to be living

in a one bedroom apartment,

not the Great Barrier Reef.

Fine, just give me two fish.

Great!

Taxi!

Katherine...

your job

is to prove Petrov wrong.

Spencer, your job is to keep

Katherine happy.

Hey!

Get away from there

before I call the police!

Why?

One, because

you're clearly smoking

something illegal.

And two, because it looks like

you're about to burgle

that apartment.

Why would I want to burgle

my own apartment?

- You don't live there.

- Well, then I definitely

- need to stop paying rent.

- No, some other guy

- lives there.

- Yeah, my roommate, Ted.

Okay, well,

if it's your apartment,

why do you play your didgeridoo

in the street

like a crazy hippy?

Because Ted doesn't like me

practicing in the apartment.

I can't say I blame him.

You wanna play it?

It might help you relax.

What makes you think

I'm not relaxed?

When people's shoulders

aren't naturally aligned

with their earlobes like that.

Maybe I'm cold.

Maybe you shouldn't make

assumptions

about people you don't know.

Hey listen, I was just

razzing you... I didn't...

mean anything by it.

I am going to work.

If anyone calls,

take a message.

Did you just have an orgasm

over a cherry soda?

Can you just leave me

to drink my soda in peace?

Oh, of course, of course,

I'll let you two

have some privacy.

So, what's your deal?

Are you a student?

No, I graduated last year.

From where?

Boston.

Boston University?

No, it was in

Cambridge actually.

Emerson, Brandeis,

Northeastern...

Harvard.

So, why don't you

just say Harvard?

Because when I say Harvard,

people always reply

with something asinine,

like,

"Say something smart."

Hey, did you know Carrie

went to Harvard?

No way.

Say something smart.

No, no.

Seriously.

I think the influence

of Kierkegaard on Camus

is underestimated,

I believe Hobbes

is just Rousseau

in a dark mirror,

and I truly believe with Hegel

that transcendence

is absorption.

Cool.

I have no idea

what you just said,

but you sure sound

like a friggin' genius.

I stole that

from "Infinite Jest"

by David Foster Wallace.

Oh, come on.

Smart and pretty?

You must be killing it

out there.

You have a boyfriend?

Is that really

your next question?

Okay, so what kind of guy

are you looking for?

I'm not looking

for any kind of guy.

So, you go for girls?

No, I'm not a lesbian.

Are you a nun?

Good one.

I can't believe

you've never had Moroccan.

I've always wanted to try it.

And thanks for inviting me.

Well, I couldn't have you alone

on Thanksgiving, now could I?

What, so you don't take

all your students to dinner?

Only my best and brightest.

Sparkling water for the lady,

and a glass of Barolo

for me, please.

Thank you.

You know...

I skipped a grade of school

growing up, too.

Yeah, it was so frustrating

knowing that I was smarter

than most of the adults I knew,

and yet they still

treated me like a child.

I hated, absolutely hated,

being treated like a child.

Yeah, I really hate that too.

Although,

I technically was a child

until fairly recently.

Yeah, but you've got

an old soul.

And I'm kind of young at heart,

so I guess we meet

in the middle.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, oh, that's just masterful.

Really, really delicious.

How's your water?

It's pedestrian,

with a frothy finish.

Would you like

to taste my wine?

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay.

First, breathe in the bouquet.

All right, now take a sip.

Let the wine coat your tongue.

Really?

That looks good on you.

What?

The wine.

It stained your lips red.

It's in every single

sexual fantasy I have.

Things are going great,

and then right before

the main event,

the phone rings.

Do you answer it?

No, but it still

totally ruins the moment.

So, things get hot and heavy,

but just before intercourse,

the phone rings.

And then, my penis

becomes the size of a nub.

It practically disappears.

I'm like a Ken doll

- with no genitalia...

- Oh, uh...

- Good God.

- Sorry.

I thought I was late.

I'm sorry, George.

It is time, in fact.

Let's come back

to this next week, shall we?

Oh, we have a couple

more minutes remaining.

But we could tack

that onto next week?

Absolutely.

Thank you, George.

Okay.

Thank you, doc.

- Call me.

- Carrie!

Carrie!

That was awful.

And I'd appreciate

you not listening in

on my sessions.

Sorry, the door was just

flat enough for my...

for my ear.

Anyway, I was very eager

to get here,

because I have

your precious list,

and I'll have you

know I've already ticked

two things off.

- Really?

- Don't act so surprised.

I'm a very good student,

you know.

All right.

Well, let's hear it, then.

Okay, firstly...

I'll admit the cherry soda

was excellent.

Very good.

The jury's still out

on the goldfish.

They don't do much.

Well, when it comes

to goldfish,

I'd lower my expectations.

Good start.

Maybe if we can focus

on some of these other things.

Carrie.

What's so great

about being happy anyway?

There are some

brilliant unhappy people.

Kierkegaard, Beethoven,

Van Gough...

Morrissey!

Anyway, I'm not unhappy.

You'd be a lot more convincing

if you could look at me

when you say that.

One of these days,

you should decide

you're going to let someone

get to know you.

You can start by trusting me.

Don't you think

that real companionship

would help?

What about going on a date?

Any more thoughts about that?

Why does everyone act

like sex is this magical,

happiness cure-all?

I didn't say anything

about sex.

Well, then,

you're the only one,

because it seems

to be the only thing

anyone talks about.

Who's anyone?

Well, people at work,

people I overhear in cafes.

That weird little perv

who was in here just now,

talking about

his disappearing penis.

Please, leave him out of this.

Why can't I go into

a grocery store

without being

accosted by headlines

claiming 101 ways

to have an orgasm.

Wouldn't 50 three-ways

be sufficient?

Wouldn't... wouldn't one?

Well, it's true that sex

is a big part of adult life.

If it weren't,

the human population

would die out.

But it doesn't mean

that everyone is sex obsessed.

It may seem

like that to you now,

but I would gather

that if you were older

and had more experience,

it wouldn't seem as glaring.

What makes you think

that I'm not

sexually experienced?

Are you?

I can have opinions

regardless of whether

I myself have had sex.

True, but it's hard to comment

on what it's like

to fly in an airplane

if you've never been

off the ground.

However,

if you have had

sexual experiences,

and you want to discuss them...

No thanks.

Ew.

Anyway, you can't just

go on a date.

You have to be asked.

Not necessarily.

I refuse to troll

the Internet for a date.

I don't know,

You just might end up

having the most fun

you've ever had.

Or I 'll end up

locked in a crate

and shipped overseas

to be

a Saudi prince's sex slave.

My guess is

it'll probably end up

being somewhere

in between the two.

"Single male

seeks adventurous woman

into hiking..."

Blah, blah.

"Single male, 76."

No.

"Single white male,

engaged and confused.

Due to be married,

but want to test

the waters first."

That has to be the most

inappropriate ad ever posted.

All right.

I do not need

to be judged by you

right now, Katherine.

Petrov said,

"Go on a date."

He didn't say it couldn't be

to rat out a cheat.

I could find out

the name of his fiancée

and warn her. Huh?

Kill two birds with one stone.

Cross off the list,

and catch a hypocrite

in the act.

Shh.

It's ringing.

Hello, this is Matt.

Please leave a message.

Hi, Matt.

You sound really, really cute.

I sympathize

fully with your situation.

I'm dating this great guy,

but there's just no chemistry

and I wanna see if I'm right.

When I saw your ad,

I thought, well,

this could be discreet way

to find out.

Like you said.

My name is...

Gloria Patch.

What?

Are last names even allowed?

Maybe that wasn't so discreet.

So yeah, just Gloria.

Call me and we'll go on a date.

Bye!

Okay, that went well.

Thanks for the support.

What do you mean

I didn't leave my number?

Damn it!

Hello?

Is... is that Gloria?

Who?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

This is Matt,

you just called me?

So I did.

But I didn't leave my number.

Oh, it came up on my phone.

Oh, cool.

You sound really great.

- Thanks.

- So...

would you like to meet

somewhere or something?

Sure.

How about 12:30

at Añejo on 28th?

It's very nice,

very atmospheric

and very public.

Well, I don't want too public.

No, no.

Of course.

Well, it's not so public

that you would be outed,

but public enough

that you wouldn't be able

to kill me without witnesses.

Okay. Okay, well,

that sounds good.

Okay, great, bye.

What does one wear

to expose a cheater?

Not that.

Jesus!

You scared the crap out of me.

How long have you

been standing there?

No time at all.

I was just about to knock.

Look, I just wanted

to apologize

about what I said the other day

about you not being relaxed.

You're right, I don't know you

and I shouldn't have judged.

I'm Cy.

Okay, well,

apology accepted, I guess.

Carrie.

I thought maybe

I could invite you

to dinner or something.

- What for?

- I don't know,

I thought it might be fun.

- Fun?

- Yeah, fun.

You've heard of the concept?

I'm familiar with it, yeah.

One of the things

that people do

and they indulge in it

to divert themselves

from the true realities

of existence.

Well, look...

If you ever feel like

leaving your apartment...

- Just...

- What the hell is that

supposed to mean?

Nothing, just...

You have a reputation

around here

for being a bit of a hermit.

Is that right?

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm actually just going

now to meet someone.

A male someone.

See how I'm leaving

the apartment?

I see, yeah.

You might want

to spread the word.

Oh, I'll definitely do that.

Good.

And Carrie...

got some lipstick

on your teeth.

I hate it when that happens.

Hey, party of one?

No, actually, two.

I'm meeting someone.

Really?

Like, a man?

Yeah, a man.

Okay, cool.

Just look around

and see if he's here.

Well, I haven't actually

met him before.

I see.

But I know his name.

It's Matt.

Matt.

Yeah, I think I know who he is.

- Uh, um...

- Gloria...

Sorry.

That's okay.

There.

- Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

You're just, uh...

You're much more beautiful

than I had expected.

Am I?

Yeah, I thought

I would only get

desperate ogresses

applying to an ad

in the "Village Rag,"

let alone a woman

who's into literature.

How did you know

I'm into literature?

Gloria Patch...

from Fitzgerald's

underrated masterpiece,

"The Beautiful and the Damned"?

Okay.

I'm a massive geek, sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

You won't beat me for geekdom.

I'll take that challenge.

- You're on.

- Okay.

Should we order some drinks?

I'll just stick to water.

Not to be a spoilsport.

No, actually,

I don't drink either.

I never saw the point of it.

Oh, well, in my case,

it would be illegal.

Really?

How... how old are you?

- Nineteen.

- Wow.

So, you...

you're a student?

Ex. I graduated

Harvard last year.

No way,

I went to M.I.T.

- Did you?

- Mathematics.

Hang on,

so you must have been 18

when you graduated?

That math degree

came in handy, huh?

Well, that was a little thing

called subtraction.

Have you guys decided?

I'll just...

a quesadilla with water.

And I'll have a diet Coke

and a cheese enchilada.

Great.

I'll take your menus.

Coming up.

A diet Coke?

Yeah, I'm just trying

to keep the weight off

before the...

Yeah, so, I'm surprised

that someone from Harvard

reads the personals.

How else should I find a man?

Wait for our eyes to meet

while trying to solve

Fermat's theorem?

Well, Fermat's

was already solved in 1994.

Well, one nil to you.

- Asshat.

- Shit for brains.

Dwayne, Joshua...

I just used to get called dork.

We actually had a kid

whose last name was Dork.

But it didn't

really hurt him, though.

He was way

too good-looking.

Well, luckily, he didn't have

a first name like Dick.

It was Dick, his first name.

Dick Dork was a person's name

that you knew?

- Dick Dork.

- Well, I'm gonna have to come

to your apartment

and look at your yearbooks

to make sure

you're not lying to me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Was it just me or did you find

everyone in high school

stultifying?

Yes, in fact

if you used that word,

"stultifying,"

in front of them,

they would have shouted

SAT word!

- SAT word!

- Yes.

- I remember that.

- Yeah?

And the teachers

were lousy too.

Well, actually,

two of them

are coming to my wedding.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I was just playing

- with my napkin...

- No, no, no.

What are you doing here?

I mean, what's with the ad?

Oh, uh...

My fiancée and I got together

when we were really young,

and I love her.

I do, but I...

I just sometimes think

something's missing,

and I don't wanna do

the wrong thing,

so I'm just

looking for clarity.

Does that make any sense

or do I just sound like

a total dick?

The two aren't necessarily

mutually exclusive.

When's the big day?

February 4th.

Oh, excuse me!

Hey!

I'm choking!

Oh, I thought you didn't drink.

And I thought you'd be a creep.

Would that have helped?

Frankly, yes.

I came here with the intention

of exposing you.

What do you mean?

I read your ad,

and as a member

of the female gender

and people

with integrity everywhere,

it pissed me off.

So, I thought

I'd make a date with you,

find out about your girlfriend,

and then tell her

she's about to marry a cheat.

- Oh, my God.

- What do you expect?

You're getting married

in two months,

you're trying to meet girls

in classified ads.

- That...

- I thought I'd find

a narcissistic rat bag,

not some handsome,

charming, smart...

you need to be honest with her.

I know, I know.

You're right and I...

I just want to be clear about

how I'm feeling

before I do that.

Are you clearer now?

No.

Well, I'm glad to have helped.

Good luck with the nuptials...

I guess.

Or not.

Oh, yeah.

You liked him, didn't you?

Whether I did or not

is irrelevant.

He's engaged.

And that is that.

You should definitely

see him again.

What is it about

the word engaged

- that you don't get?

- He's not even married yet.

What's the problem?

Even if he were married,

who cares?

I care!

I try very hard

not to be engaged in activities

that are harmful

to myself or others.

Okay, you don't think

it's gonna hurt you

to not get to hang out

with someone you like?

You don't think

it hurts to deny yourself

the possibility of love?

Okay, next time you see Matt,

ask him

his fiancée's middle name.

There won't be a next time.

Why?

Because guys don't usually

pay attention

to details like that.

But if they're in love,

they do.

They've been together forever,

of course he's gonna know

her middle name.

So, it's a good test

then, isn't it?

And if he doesn't know it,

I'd say he's fair game.

Yo, yo, yo.

What's up?

What are you guys...

what are you talking about?

Oh, you know,

clothes, makeup, boys.

Hmm.

Sorry I missed that.

So, are you going to see

the legend tomorrow night?

Who?

My recently ex-boyfriend

is playing a gig at Natto's.

Why is he your ex?

Because he chose

to go off with some whore,

that's why.

And she is so not his type.

Yeah, he much prefers sluts

to whores.

What's his name?

His name is Dex

and he's a jerk.

But he's amazing.

Like, his tongue

should be registered

as a national treasure.

Hey, you should come.

You... you should totally go.

Sure, why not?

Hey, that's my philosophy too.

Thank you so much for going.

I cannot watch

another Dex show.

♪ Never really

felt bad about it ♪

♪ As we drank deep

from the lie ♪

♪ 'Cause I felt

melting magnets... ♪

Uh, hi.

Vodka, straight up.

Actually, what's the one

all the sorority girls drink,

the one that makes

you really drunk?

- Oh, rum.

- Rum, double.

I.D.?

Can I... can I give you

my I.Q. instead?

185?

Surely I can be

better trusted with alcohol

than older,

less intelligent people.

Are you 21?

Alcohol is an organic compound

in which the hydroxyl group

is bound to a carbon atom

so that the chemical makeup

of the ethanol

in your slightly toxic wares

is C2H 5OH.

I think I can handle it.

- Hey, just lie.

- I'm not a liar.

Well, he's not going

to give you a drink

unless you do.

Well, you know what?

Morality is inconvenient.

Coke, please.

Regular, not that diet shit.

Okay, you're feisty tonight.

I like it.

But at least let me, like...

Wait, can...

Why can't people

just like me for who I am?

Nobody likes anybody

for who they are.

That's why we have to pretend

to be better than who we are

and then let people

find out the truth later,

you know,

once they've already invested.

That makes you

sound like a psychopath.

Okay, well...

Mm. It's spiked.

Wow, looks like

she is a genius.

Finally,

the recognition

I've been craving.

Maybe...

maybe that was a move.

I don't get why people

are so sex obsessed.

It's like a national epidemic.

Because sex

is freaking fantastic.

It's not that great.

The kissing part maybe,

but the main event

is nothing to be

obsessed about.

Yes, I win!

I knew you weren't a virgin.

What do you mean "you win"?

- Win what?

- Just a bet with Dougie.

About my virginity?

It's not about your virginity,

okay?

I made some money.

Be happy for me.

Your problem is

you haven't had sex

with the right person.

There's a lot

of good, clean sex

going on out there.

And by clean,

I mean dirty, okay?

And just because people

like to do it,

doesn't mean

that they're obsessed.

Do you think people

are sleep obsessed

because they like

to sleep every day?

You have to sleep for survival.

Some people screw for survival!

Sleep obsession

doesn't hurt anyone!

Neither does sex,

if it's between

two consenting adults.

The Victorians forced people

to deny

their natural desires...

Shouldn't our natural desires

sometimes be denied?

Like, what if

your natural desire

is to step on a baby?

Okay, yeah,

you... you have a point.

- Like, stepping on babies...

- Bad!

Should be avoided at all costs.

I just think

that people make

an awful lot of excuses

to indulge in bad behavior

on the pretext that

"I wanted to do it,"

or "if we're discreet,

it won't hurt anyone."

Humans are hypocrites.

And that's what makes us

so bloody interesting.

What language was that?

That's how you speak.

That's how you come off.

You should know that

about yourself.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

Is this a bucket list?

You aren't dying, are you?

Because I do not have

the emotional maturity

to deal with

a terminal friend right now.

It's not a bucket list.

Then what is it?

I see a therapist.

He made it for me

to help me be happier.

Oh, honey, you don't need

a list for that.

I'll help you.

Okay, I'm having

a New Year's Eve Party,

for one thing.

You should definitely come.

Also, you should call up

that bad boy from the paper

and give him

the bang of his life.

He'll leave that twit

he's with,

and you'll never be

lonely again.

Do you seriously think that?

It's not your job

to be

everyone's moral guardian.

If you like the guy,

that's between you and him.

He's the one

with the fiancée.

That's for him to deal with.

Not you.

Ooh, there he is.

Okay, okay.

Do they say, like,

"Get off the stage

and do me?"

Yes, but not in a good way.

How can it not be

in a good way?

Dex, I love you, you asshole!

I have to go.

I know!

He's so good, right?

♪ I put my foot down

♪ And I stomp

on the pavement ♪

♪ I'm a wire

through a plaster wall. ♪

What are you

thinking about?

How even if I started now,

and dedicated

my life to reading,

I wouldn't get

through a fraction

of all of the books

ever written.

You fascinate me, Carrie Pilby,

you know that?

I find you completely

and utterly enchanting.

Why thank you,

professor from a 1950s

black and white movie.

And so...

You know when I say things

like that...

you're brilliant,

or that I think

you're beautiful,

it's because

I really mean that.

I'm not trying to flatter you.

What's your favorite version

of Faust?

Don't change the subject.

- No?

- No.

♪ Come with me

♪ Come and see

♪ The chill,

the hush and glimmering ♪

♪ Of green

the mountain stream... ♪

What is this?

I've never heard it before.

You have an insatiable appetite

for learning.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be.

♪ Under the moon so round ♪

♪ The moon so round

♪ Anyway

♪ There's really

not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really

not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really

not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just

another day... ♪

Wait here, one minute.

♪ There's really

not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just

another day. ♪

Dad, he's cheating.

You know your friend

you hired to try and fix me,

well, he's doing it

with a married woman.

Hello, Carrie.

Your father just stepped away

for a moment.

Sorry, who's this?

I thought I called my dad.

No, you did, you did.

Then who are you?

Oh, dear, I probably

should not have

picked up the phone.

This wasn't how

I wanted us to meet.

But I did want to let you know

how excited I am that you'll be

joining us here for Christmas.

The kids are practically wild

with anticipation...

The kids?

- What?

- Oh, Daniel,

please tell me

you have told her about us.

Told me what?

Oh, God.

Hello, darling.

- What's the matter?

- Told me what?

What haven't you told me

that this woman

and her children know

that I don't...

apart from that

you're not coming

to New York for Christmas!

Well, it was meant

to be a surprise, darling.

I've got the ticket

so that you could come here.

To London?

But that's a shit surprise.

You know I hate London.

And anyway, you promised

we'd always have Christmas here

in New York.

You know, darling,

life doesn't always

work out as we...

as we plan it.

We have to adapt.

But why?

And when were

you gonna tell me?

And when are you

ever gonna stop lying?

I thought it was

too long a conversation

to have on the phone,

and so I decided

- I'll wait till you...

- And then what?

When exactly was

the perfect time to tell me

that you're abandoning

our Christmas tradition

because of some woman

you're shagging,

and her kids are obviously

more important.

Now, Carrie,

that is not the way it is.

Matter of fact, Fliss and I

are going to be married.

I'm sorry, it sounded like

you just said

you were getting married.

I did.

I am.

We are.

So, when you come over,

we can have a long luncheon,

talk everything through,

and I'll explain all to you.

You get to meet Fliss.

I don't want to meet Fliss.

Darling...

we can sort this out...

Go sort yourself!

Hi.

I can't believe you called.

Neither can I.

- Allow me.

- Oh.

- I'm glad you did.

- Mm.

Thank you.

♪ Bring me back

to you... ♪

This is a nice place.

Ah, thanks.

Can I get you something to...

Where is she?

She's at a meeting

in Westchester

with some guy at Craft.

She opened

her own advertising firm

and he is a friend

of her dad's,

so she thinks

he might throw her a bone.

Is that a euphemism?

What? Oh, God, no!

What if he did

throw her a bone?

Would you...

would you be upset?

Maybe.

I mean, I'm not sure...

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

to you... ♪

So, are we doing this, then?

We do seem to be, yeah.

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

♪ Wanna be

your man, girl... ♪

Mmm-hmm.

♪ Every time that I leave ♪

♪ I'm chasing

the wind... ♪

It's a great bookcase.

Yup.

That's where we keep

all the books.

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

♪ Brings me back to you ♪

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

Wow, where did you even learn

how to kiss like that?

Harvard.

Damn, I don't think

M.I.T. had that course.

- You're doing okay.

- Okay.

♪ Wanna be your man

♪ Oh, love

♪ I wanna be your man ♪

♪ Your man

♪ Oh, do you...

Is this...

is this your first time

unbuttoning a girl's shirt?

No, but it's my first time

unbuttoning a man's shirt

from this angle.

I'm actually wearing

a guy's shirt?

I believe so, yeah.

- How can you tell?

- The buttons.

Buttons on the left

for a woman,

buttons on the right for men.

Look.

- Oh... my God,

- Watch this.

How did I not know this?

See?

You can't see,

but I had my eyes closed

for second.

- Um...

- What?

- What's the matter?

- Is that her?

Yes, it is.

She's watching us.

No, no she isn't.

It's just a photo.

♪ Stand by me

♪ And we're perfect

♪ Just like you...

Wait, stop.

She spelled "too" wrong.

♪ You make me

so happy... ♪

Uh...

Yeah...

Yeah, she's a terrible speller.

Let's...

why don't we

just close our eyes

and just try to relax?

Okay?

Oh... I...

I feel dizzy.

Okay.

I knew we shouldn't have tried

to do this at my place.

All the photos and stuff

are a real mood killer.

You know what else

is a mood killer?

Having a fiancée.

Get... my...

How are you going to say vows,

sacred vows

in front of everyone you know,

that you will honor and love

and cherish this woman,

forsaking all others,

when you clearly

don't respect her,

which is the foundation

of all of those things?

You're not going

to leave her, are you?

I...

I really like you.

I really think

we could be good together.

You deserve

to be stimulated by someone

who's on equal footing

with you, and so do I.

Then end this facade

of an engagement.

I will!

I mean, you know, I might.

I just met you!

Not for me!

For you, for her!

Look, I thought

that you wanted this.

Just because

you want something,

doesn't make it right.

Oh, Jesus, Pollyanna.

This is real life.

Real life is complicated.

Don't be such a child.

I think this has been

my best semester ever, Carrie.

Me too.

Oh, I forgot,

I have something for you.

Oh, yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

It's um...

it's more of a loan

than a gift.

I thought

Carrie Pilby (2016) - full transcript