Carrie Pilby (2016) - full transcript

Here's a surprise.

Guess who's not coming
to Thanksgiving?

Your dad?

He's such a hypocrite.
I hate hypocrites.

I'm sorry.

Is this for me?

I figured you'd have
more use for it than I will.

Right.
Thanks.

I swear to God.

The man is incapable
of keeping a promise.

What was his reason?



You tell me.
He's your friend.

- Carrie...
- He said he has to, um,
stay in London.

Why would anyone choose
to stay in London?

London's awful.

When's the last time
you were in London?

When I was 12.

When your mom was sick?

Don't do that.

Do what?

Make associations in your head.

I don't like London
because it is cold,

it is repressed.

And everyone
looks like they've smoked

too many cigarettes.



Did you make any friends
this week?

You and I both know

there's a perfectly good reason

I don't have any friends.

So, what did you do this week?

What I normally do.

- Reading?
- Mostly.

And how many books
did you read?

Seventeen.

And does reading
17 books in one week

seem normal to you?

No, no, of course
it's not normal.

I mean, does skipping

three grades of school
seem normal?

Does going to Harvard
at the age of 14 seem normal?

I'm clearly not normal.

I thought we'd established
that was the problem.

Carrie, I want you to do
something for me.

What?

You and I
are going to come up with

a list of goals
you're going to achieve

between now
and the end of the year.

So, for our next session,
I want you to think about

some of the things
you'd like to have
on that list.

Things you've done
in your life and enjoyed.

What kind of things
do you expect me

to put on this list?

For example, join a club.

Why should I force myself
to go out and meet people

who have lowered
their moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards

in order to fit in
with other people

who have low moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards?

You're such a contrarian.

No, I'm not.

A little helpful advice.

One, try to stop pontificating

and rubbing
your exceptionally high IQ

in people's noses.

Two, give humanity a chance.

Someone might surprise you.

Time's up.

Carrie, wait.

You were quite late,
so I don't mind

going a couple of minutes over.

I do.

I'm actually in the middle
of reading

Foucault's
"Archeology of Knowledge."

I highly recommend it,
by the way.

And, if you speak to my dad,

please give him the message

that I don't accept
his excuses or his apologies

and that hiring me a therapist

is no more
a satisfactory replacement

for an actual parent,

than sending me off to college

at an inappropriately
young age.

Sorry for being, um...

I completely understand.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You too.

Hey, Carrie.
What's up?

Hi, Ronald.

- Do you need a menu?
- Oh, sure.

Someone still buys DVDs, huh?

Someone still does, yeah.

And you know what?

I have never had to wait

for the movie to load
halfway through the film.

I'll have the soup.

Yeah, sure.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

Look, before you launch
into your moves or whatever,

I just want you to know

that I'm not really
in the right frame of mind

to make flirty chitchat
with a total stranger.

Even though, admittedly,
you're quite a cute one.

But I've just...
dealing with being let down

by my dad...
not for the first time.

And I've just had
a really tough session

with my therapist.

- Um...
- I'm sorry.

I just wanted to know
if I can borrow this chair.

Oh, definitely.

Yes.

Take it.
Knock yourself out!

Not with the...
chair.

Hey!

Do you want me
to pack this to go?

Yes!
Please, yes.

What the hell is that?

Yo! World music guy!

- Hey!
- Can you go

and hold your one-man

aborigine festival thing
somewhere else?

Like Australia?

Sure.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, darling,
how are you?

Got your message.

You're not coming
for Thanksgiving.

Shocker.

So sorry, darling.

I really thought
I could swing it,

but I just can't get away.

It's such
an American thing anyways.

I promise I'll be there
for Christmas.

Well, it would have been nice

to have a bit more notice.

But listen,
I do have good news.

I've found you a job
at the law firm

of a friend of mine.

In what world
is that good news?

If anything,
that is very, very bad news.

But it'll be good for you.

Well, I'm still four years
ahead of my peers.

Do you want me
to be maladjusted?

It'll be easy, I promise.

It's a night job,
proofreading legal briefs.

You love reading.

Not proofreading,

and certainly not legal briefs.

Well, at least it'll be quiet.

You won't have
to talk to a soul

if you don't want to.

If you have a better offer,
by all means.

What happened
to "Take some time"?

Well, it has
been a year, darling.

And to be absolutely honest,

it would really help
if you could

bring something to the table,
so to speak.

Isn't there some other way?

You could get a roommate
instead if you prefer.

Okay, fine.

I'll take the job.

Hello?

- What you listening to?
- Hmm?

Wait, isn't that
from Bugs Bunny?

It's "Morning."
"Peer Gynt," Edvard Grieg.

I'm pretty sure that's from
one of the "Looney Tunes."

Who are you?

- Douglas.
- Do you work here?

No, I just didn't have anyone

to spend Thanksgiving with,

so I've been wandering
around the building

hoping to find someone
to share my turducken.

Right.

I'm kidding.

You're Carrie Pilby, right?

I might be.

Sometimes when the documents
get copied and/or faxed,

the periods end up
looking like commas.

And the "Hs" end up
looking like "Ks,"

You know, that sort of thing.

No wonder lawyers
charge 400 bucks an hour,

they pay people
to play "Concentration."

Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Douglas got to you first.

I always try to get
to the new people

before he does,
but he's quick as lighting.

Ooh.

I'm Tara.

Carrie.

I wish I could say he's more

the exception to the rule,

but what can I tell you?

This job attracts
a strange breed.

Clearly.

You're gonna fit in just fine.

Holidays are a drag, huh?

For some people, yes.

What did you do for yours?

Nothing.

Just...
just went to work.

What?
You got a job?

Well, my dad got it for me.

Kind of a consolation prize

for not coming to Thanksgiving.

But I didn't have
to eat any dry turkey

or talk to anyone.

Wonderful.

So, how's it going
with the list?

What list?

The list we talked
about last time.

I have no recollection
of this list.

You've got
a photographic memory.

- It's selective.
- Excuse.

I've been very busy.

Excuse.

I haven't had time to...

- Excuse!
- Stop saying...

Excuse.

Well, not to worry.

I made one for you.

Go on, read it.

"Go on a date."

"Make a friend.

Spend New Year's Eve
with someone.

Get a pet."

It'll help to have something
to care for.

Keep going.

"Do something
you loved as a child."

Like what?

Well, it could be anything.

What did you do
when you were six

that you don't do anymore?

I wrote several
strongly-worded letters

to oil companies
when I was six.

Wow, okay.

How about an indulgence

that you no longer
allow yourself?

I used to love
drinking cherry soda.

Excellent, there you go.

Great, I'll drink a cherry soda

and all my problems
will just disappear.

What's next?

"Read favorite book."

Ah!
Do you have one?

Yeah, "Franny and Zooey,"
Salinger.

But I don't have it.
I lent it to someone.

Can you get it back?

I don't know.

Well, look, just try.

See how it goes,
do what you can,

one at a time.

Why do you want me
to do this so much?

Because staying
at home in bed all day

won't make you happy.

You need to get out
and meet people,

begin some
meaningful relationships.

Maybe if you
put yourself out there,

doing things you enjoy...

Hmm, "Franny and Zooey,"
one of my favorites.

You've got good taste.

Well, welcome

to English 303, the Modernists.

I'm Professor Harrison,
and you are a bunch of kids

who think you already
know everything

but haven't even got a clue

about what life is really like

beyond the ivy walls.

It's banal, nauseating carousel

of responsibility
and disappointments,

one after another.

But, my sweater
is soft and the rain

streaking down
the window is kinda lovely,

so I guess I won't
off myself just yet.

The Modernists,
especially Joyce and Wolff

were very big
on stream of consciousness

techniques in their novels,

and you just got
your first lesson in it.

Would anyone
like to give it a try?

Say whatever
pops into your mind.

"Franny and Zooey,"
how about you?

Oh, I wouldn't know
what to say.

It's not difficult.

You just start with your name,

where you're from,
kinda go from there.

My name's Carrie Pilby,
I... well I was born in London

but I moved to New York
when I was 12

just after my mom died.

I guess I shouldn't
have said that,

'cause now everyone's
feeling weird

about the girl whose mom died.

Like I'm Antigone
or Harry Potter,

or Bambi or something.

But I'm not a Greek tragedy
or a wizard.

And if I was a character
in a movie,

I'd like to be
Katherine Hepburn,

preferably in a movie
where she gives

Spencer Tracy
a run for his money.

But I can tell
I'm boring you now.

And this is hard,
harder than skipping
fourth and eighth grade.

But not as hard
as skipping second grade,

because going
from pencil to pen

was pretty abrupt.

Excellent.

If you want to use
pencil in my class,

you're more than welcome.

Now, anyone else
wanna give it a shot?

Carrie? Carrie?

I really believe

that if you do the things
on this list,

you're going to feel
a lot better about life.

I bet I won't.

So, prove it.

Prove to me
that I don't know how

to do my job.

- You're a very odd man.
- Thank you.

That's the nicest compliment
I've had all day.

Hi.

Davy, I would like
a goldfish, please.

We're having
a two-for-one special.

I just want one.

But the other one is free.

They're social creatures.

You heard me say
I want a fish, right?

Not a chimpanzee.

Fish swim in schools.
They like company.

Fish swim in schools
because, evolutionarily,

it gives them
a better chance of surviving.

My fish is going to be living

in a one bedroom apartment,

not the Great Barrier Reef.

Fine, just give me two fish.

Great!

Taxi!

Katherine...

your job
is to prove Petrov wrong.

Spencer, your job is to keep
Katherine happy.

Hey!

Get away from there
before I call the police!

Why?

One, because
you're clearly smoking

something illegal.

And two, because it looks like

you're about to burgle
that apartment.

Why would I want to burgle
my own apartment?

- You don't live there.
- Well, then I definitely

- need to stop paying rent.
- No, some other guy

- lives there.
- Yeah, my roommate, Ted.

Okay, well,
if it's your apartment,

why do you play your didgeridoo

in the street
like a crazy hippy?

Because Ted doesn't like me
practicing in the apartment.

I can't say I blame him.

You wanna play it?

It might help you relax.

What makes you think
I'm not relaxed?

When people's shoulders
aren't naturally aligned

with their earlobes like that.

Maybe I'm cold.

Maybe you shouldn't make
assumptions

about people you don't know.

Hey listen, I was just
razzing you... I didn't...

mean anything by it.

I am going to work.

If anyone calls,
take a message.

Did you just have an orgasm
over a cherry soda?

Can you just leave me
to drink my soda in peace?

Oh, of course, of course,

I'll let you two
have some privacy.

So, what's your deal?
Are you a student?

No, I graduated last year.

From where?

Boston.

Boston University?

No, it was in
Cambridge actually.

Emerson, Brandeis,
Northeastern...

Harvard.

So, why don't you
just say Harvard?

Because when I say Harvard,

people always reply
with something asinine,

like,
"Say something smart."

Hey, did you know Carrie
went to Harvard?

No way.
Say something smart.

No, no.

Seriously.

I think the influence

of Kierkegaard on Camus
is underestimated,

I believe Hobbes
is just Rousseau
in a dark mirror,

and I truly believe with Hegel

that transcendence
is absorption.

Cool.

I have no idea
what you just said,

but you sure sound
like a friggin' genius.

I stole that
from "Infinite Jest"

by David Foster Wallace.

Oh, come on.
Smart and pretty?

You must be killing it
out there.

You have a boyfriend?

Is that really
your next question?

Okay, so what kind of guy
are you looking for?

I'm not looking
for any kind of guy.

So, you go for girls?

No, I'm not a lesbian.

Are you a nun?

Good one.

I can't believe
you've never had Moroccan.

I've always wanted to try it.

And thanks for inviting me.

Well, I couldn't have you alone

on Thanksgiving, now could I?

What, so you don't take
all your students to dinner?

Only my best and brightest.

Sparkling water for the lady,

and a glass of Barolo
for me, please.

Thank you.

You know...

I skipped a grade of school
growing up, too.

Yeah, it was so frustrating

knowing that I was smarter

than most of the adults I knew,

and yet they still
treated me like a child.

I hated, absolutely hated,
being treated like a child.

Yeah, I really hate that too.

Although,
I technically was a child

until fairly recently.

Yeah, but you've got
an old soul.

And I'm kind of young at heart,

so I guess we meet
in the middle.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, oh, that's just masterful.

Really, really delicious.
How's your water?

It's pedestrian,
with a frothy finish.

Would you like
to taste my wine?

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay.

First, breathe in the bouquet.

All right, now take a sip.

Let the wine coat your tongue.

Really?

That looks good on you.

What?

The wine.
It stained your lips red.

It's in every single
sexual fantasy I have.

Things are going great,
and then right before
the main event,

the phone rings.

Do you answer it?

No, but it still
totally ruins the moment.

So, things get hot and heavy,

but just before intercourse,
the phone rings.

And then, my penis
becomes the size of a nub.

It practically disappears.

I'm like a Ken doll

- with no genitalia...
- Oh, uh...

- Good God.
- Sorry.

I thought I was late.

I'm sorry, George.

It is time, in fact.

Let's come back
to this next week, shall we?

Oh, we have a couple
more minutes remaining.

But we could tack
that onto next week?

Absolutely.
Thank you, George.

Okay.
Thank you, doc.

- Call me.
- Carrie!

Carrie!

That was awful.

And I'd appreciate
you not listening in

on my sessions.

Sorry, the door was just
flat enough for my...

for my ear.

Anyway, I was very eager
to get here,

because I have
your precious list,

and I'll have you
know I've already ticked

two things off.

- Really?
- Don't act so surprised.

I'm a very good student,
you know.

All right.
Well, let's hear it, then.

Okay, firstly...

I'll admit the cherry soda
was excellent.

Very good.

The jury's still out
on the goldfish.

They don't do much.

Well, when it comes
to goldfish,

I'd lower my expectations.

Good start.

Maybe if we can focus
on some of these other things.

Carrie.

What's so great
about being happy anyway?

There are some
brilliant unhappy people.

Kierkegaard, Beethoven,

Van Gough...

Morrissey!

Anyway, I'm not unhappy.

You'd be a lot more convincing

if you could look at me
when you say that.

One of these days,
you should decide

you're going to let someone
get to know you.

You can start by trusting me.

Don't you think

that real companionship
would help?

What about going on a date?

Any more thoughts about that?

Why does everyone act
like sex is this magical,

happiness cure-all?

I didn't say anything
about sex.

Well, then,
you're the only one,

because it seems
to be the only thing

anyone talks about.

Who's anyone?

Well, people at work,
people I overhear in cafes.

That weird little perv
who was in here just now,

talking about
his disappearing penis.

Please, leave him out of this.

Why can't I go into
a grocery store

without being
accosted by headlines

claiming 101 ways
to have an orgasm.

Wouldn't 50 three-ways
be sufficient?

Wouldn't... wouldn't one?

Well, it's true that sex
is a big part of adult life.

If it weren't,
the human population

would die out.

But it doesn't mean

that everyone is sex obsessed.

It may seem
like that to you now,

but I would gather
that if you were older

and had more experience,
it wouldn't seem as glaring.

What makes you think

that I'm not
sexually experienced?

Are you?

I can have opinions

regardless of whether
I myself have had sex.

True, but it's hard to comment

on what it's like
to fly in an airplane

if you've never been
off the ground.

However,
if you have had
sexual experiences,

and you want to discuss them...

No thanks.
Ew.

Anyway, you can't just
go on a date.

You have to be asked.

Not necessarily.

I refuse to troll
the Internet for a date.

I don't know,
You just might end up

having the most fun
you've ever had.

Or I 'll end up
locked in a crate

and shipped overseas

to be
a Saudi prince's sex slave.

My guess is
it'll probably end up

being somewhere
in between the two.

"Single male
seeks adventurous woman

into hiking..."
Blah, blah.

"Single male, 76."

No.

"Single white male,
engaged and confused.

Due to be married,
but want to test

the waters first."

That has to be the most
inappropriate ad ever posted.

All right.

I do not need
to be judged by you

right now, Katherine.

Petrov said,
"Go on a date."

He didn't say it couldn't be
to rat out a cheat.

I could find out
the name of his fiancée

and warn her. Huh?

Kill two birds with one stone.

Cross off the list,

and catch a hypocrite
in the act.

Shh.
It's ringing.

Hello, this is Matt.

Please leave a message.

Hi, Matt.

You sound really, really cute.

I sympathize
fully with your situation.

I'm dating this great guy,

but there's just no chemistry

and I wanna see if I'm right.

When I saw your ad,
I thought, well,

this could be discreet way
to find out.

Like you said.

My name is...

Gloria Patch.

Gloria Patch.

What?

Are last names even allowed?

Maybe that wasn't so discreet.

So yeah, just Gloria.

Call me and we'll go on a date.

Bye!

Okay, that went well.

Thanks for the support.

What do you mean
I didn't leave my number?

Damn it!

Hello?

Is... is that Gloria?

Who?

Oh, yes.
Yes, it is.

This is Matt,
you just called me?

So I did.

But I didn't leave my number.

Oh, it came up on my phone.

Oh, cool.

You sound really great.

- Thanks.
- So...

would you like to meet
somewhere or something?

Sure.

How about 12:30

at Añejo on 28th?

It's very nice,
very atmospheric

and very public.

Well, I don't want too public.

No, no.
Of course.

Well, it's not so public
that you would be outed,

but public enough
that you wouldn't be able

to kill me without witnesses.

Okay. Okay, well,
that sounds good.

Okay, great, bye.

What does one wear
to expose a cheater?

Not that.

Jesus!

You scared the crap out of me.

How long have you
been standing there?

No time at all.
I was just about to knock.

Look, I just wanted
to apologize

about what I said the other day

about you not being relaxed.

You're right, I don't know you

and I shouldn't have judged.

I'm Cy.

Okay, well,
apology accepted, I guess.

Carrie.

I thought maybe
I could invite you

to dinner or something.

- What for?
- I don't know,

I thought it might be fun.

- Fun?
- Yeah, fun.

You've heard of the concept?

I'm familiar with it, yeah.

One of the things
that people do

and they indulge in it
to divert themselves

from the true realities
of existence.

Well, look...

If you ever feel like
leaving your apartment...

- Just...
- What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing, just...

You have a reputation
around here

for being a bit of a hermit.

Is that right?

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm actually just going
now to meet someone.

A male someone.

See how I'm leaving
the apartment?

I see, yeah.

You might want
to spread the word.

Oh, I'll definitely do that.

Good.

And Carrie...

got some lipstick
on your teeth.

I hate it when that happens.

Hey, party of one?

No, actually, two.
I'm meeting someone.

Really?
Like, a man?

Yeah, a man.

Okay, cool.

Just look around
and see if he's here.

Well, I haven't actually
met him before.

I see.

But I know his name.
It's Matt.

Matt.

Yeah, I think I know who he is.

- Uh, um...
- Gloria...

Sorry.

That's okay.

There.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

You're just, uh...

You're much more beautiful
than I had expected.

Am I?

Yeah, I thought
I would only get

desperate ogresses

applying to an ad
in the "Village Rag,"

let alone a woman
who's into literature.

How did you know
I'm into literature?

Gloria Patch...

from Fitzgerald's
underrated masterpiece,

"The Beautiful and the Damned"?

Okay.

I'm a massive geek, sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.
You won't beat me for geekdom.

I'll take that challenge.

- You're on.
- Okay.

Should we order some drinks?

I'll just stick to water.
Not to be a spoilsport.

No, actually,
I don't drink either.

I never saw the point of it.

Oh, well, in my case,
it would be illegal.

Really?
How... how old are you?

- Nineteen.
- Wow.

So, you...
you're a student?

Ex. I graduated
Harvard last year.

No way,
I went to M.I.T.

- Did you?
- Mathematics.

Hang on,
so you must have been 18

when you graduated?

That math degree
came in handy, huh?

Well, that was a little thing
called subtraction.

Have you guys decided?

I'll just...
a quesadilla with water.

And I'll have a diet Coke
and a cheese enchilada.

Great.
I'll take your menus.

Coming up.

A diet Coke?

Yeah, I'm just trying

to keep the weight off
before the...

Yeah, so, I'm surprised

that someone from Harvard
reads the personals.

How else should I find a man?

Wait for our eyes to meet

while trying to solve
Fermat's theorem?

Well, Fermat's
was already solved in 1994.

Well, one nil to you.

- Asshat.
- Shit for brains.

Dwayne, Joshua...

I just used to get called dork.

We actually had a kid
whose last name was Dork.

But it didn't
really hurt him, though.

He was way
too good-looking.

Well, luckily, he didn't have
a first name like Dick.

It was Dick, his first name.

Dick Dork was a person's name
that you knew?

- Dick Dork.
- Well, I'm gonna have to come
to your apartment

and look at your yearbooks

to make sure
you're not lying to me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Was it just me or did you find

everyone in high school
stultifying?

Yes, in fact
if you used that word,

"stultifying,"
in front of them,

they would have shouted
SAT word!

- SAT word!
- Yes.

- I remember that.
- Yeah?

And the teachers
were lousy too.

Well, actually,

two of them
are coming to my wedding.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I was just playing

- with my napkin...
- No, no, no.

What are you doing here?
I mean, what's with the ad?

Oh, uh...

My fiancée and I got together

when we were really young,

and I love her.

I do, but I...

I just sometimes think
something's missing,

and I don't wanna do
the wrong thing,

so I'm just
looking for clarity.

Does that make any sense

or do I just sound like
a total dick?

The two aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive.

When's the big day?

February 4th.

Oh, excuse me!

Hey!

I'm choking!

Oh, I thought you didn't drink.

And I thought you'd be a creep.

Would that have helped?

Frankly, yes.

I came here with the intention
of exposing you.

What do you mean?

I read your ad,

and as a member
of the female gender

and people
with integrity everywhere,

it pissed me off.

So, I thought
I'd make a date with you,

find out about your girlfriend,

and then tell her
she's about to marry a cheat.

- Oh, my God.
- What do you expect?

You're getting married
in two months,

you're trying to meet girls
in classified ads.

- That...
- I thought I'd find
a narcissistic rat bag,

not some handsome,
charming, smart...

you need to be honest with her.

I know, I know.
You're right and I...

I just want to be clear about

how I'm feeling
before I do that.

Are you clearer now?

No.

Well, I'm glad to have helped.

Good luck with the nuptials...

I guess.

Or not.

Oh, yeah.

You liked him, didn't you?

Whether I did or not
is irrelevant.

He's engaged.
And that is that.

You should definitely
see him again.

What is it about
the word engaged

- that you don't get?
- He's not even married yet.

What's the problem?

Even if he were married,
who cares?

I care!

I try very hard

not to be engaged in activities

that are harmful
to myself or others.

Okay, you don't think
it's gonna hurt you

to not get to hang out
with someone you like?

You don't think
it hurts to deny yourself

the possibility of love?

Okay, next time you see Matt,

ask him
his fiancée's middle name.

There won't be a next time.

Why?

Because guys don't usually

pay attention
to details like that.

But if they're in love,
they do.

They've been together forever,

of course he's gonna know
her middle name.

So, it's a good test
then, isn't it?

And if he doesn't know it,
I'd say he's fair game.

Yo, yo, yo.
What's up?

What are you guys...
what are you talking about?

Oh, you know,
clothes, makeup, boys.

Hmm.
Sorry I missed that.

So, are you going to see
the legend tomorrow night?

Who?

My recently ex-boyfriend
is playing a gig at Natto's.

Why is he your ex?

Because he chose
to go off with some whore,

that's why.

And she is so not his type.

Yeah, he much prefers sluts
to whores.

What's his name?

His name is Dex
and he's a jerk.

But he's amazing.

Like, his tongue
should be registered

as a national treasure.

Hey, you should come.

You... you should totally go.

Sure, why not?

Hey, that's my philosophy too.

Thank you so much for going.

I cannot watch
another Dex show.

♪ Never really
felt bad about it ♪

♪ As we drank deep
from the lie ♪

♪ 'Cause I felt
melting magnets... ♪

Uh, hi.
Vodka, straight up.

Actually, what's the one

all the sorority girls drink,

the one that makes
you really drunk?

- Oh, rum.
- Rum, double.

I.D.?

Can I... can I give you
my I.Q. instead?

185?

Surely I can be
better trusted with alcohol

than older,
less intelligent people.

Are you 21?

Alcohol is an organic compound

in which the hydroxyl group
is bound to a carbon atom

so that the chemical makeup
of the ethanol

in your slightly toxic wares

is C2H 5OH.

I think I can handle it.

- Hey, just lie.
- I'm not a liar.

Well, he's not going
to give you a drink

unless you do.

Well, you know what?
Morality is inconvenient.

Coke, please.
Regular, not that diet shit.

Okay, you're feisty tonight.

I like it.

But at least let me, like...

Wait, can...

Why can't people
just like me for who I am?

Nobody likes anybody
for who they are.

That's why we have to pretend

to be better than who we are

and then let people
find out the truth later,

you know,
once they've already invested.

That makes you
sound like a psychopath.

Okay, well...

Mm. It's spiked.

Wow, looks like
she is a genius.

Finally,
the recognition
I've been craving.

Maybe...
maybe that was a move.

I don't get why people
are so sex obsessed.

It's like a national epidemic.

Because sex
is freaking fantastic.

It's not that great.

The kissing part maybe,
but the main event

is nothing to be
obsessed about.

Yes, I win!

I knew you weren't a virgin.

What do you mean "you win"?

- Win what?
- Just a bet with Dougie.

About my virginity?

It's not about your virginity,
okay?

I made some money.
Be happy for me.

Your problem is
you haven't had sex
with the right person.

There's a lot
of good, clean sex
going on out there.

And by clean,
I mean dirty, okay?

And just because people
like to do it,

doesn't mean
that they're obsessed.

Do you think people
are sleep obsessed

because they like
to sleep every day?

You have to sleep for survival.

Some people screw for survival!

Sleep obsession
doesn't hurt anyone!

Neither does sex,

if it's between
two consenting adults.

The Victorians forced people

to deny
their natural desires...

Shouldn't our natural desires
sometimes be denied?

Like, what if
your natural desire

is to step on a baby?

Okay, yeah,
you... you have a point.

- Like, stepping on babies...
- Bad!

Should be avoided at all costs.

I just think
that people make
an awful lot of excuses

to indulge in bad behavior

on the pretext that
"I wanted to do it,"

or "if we're discreet,
it won't hurt anyone."

Humans are hypocrites.

And that's what makes us
so bloody interesting.

What language was that?

That's how you speak.
That's how you come off.

You should know that
about yourself.

Oh, my God.
What is this?

Is this a bucket list?

You aren't dying, are you?

Because I do not have
the emotional maturity

to deal with
a terminal friend right now.

It's not a bucket list.

Then what is it?

I see a therapist.

He made it for me
to help me be happier.

Oh, honey, you don't need
a list for that.

I'll help you.

Okay, I'm having
a New Year's Eve Party,

for one thing.

You should definitely come.

Also, you should call up
that bad boy from the paper

and give him
the bang of his life.

He'll leave that twit
he's with,

and you'll never be
lonely again.

Do you seriously think that?

It's not your job

to be
everyone's moral guardian.

If you like the guy,
that's between you and him.

He's the one
with the fiancée.

That's for him to deal with.

Not you.

Ooh, there he is.
Okay, okay.

Do they say, like,

"Get off the stage
and do me?"

Yes, but not in a good way.

How can it not be
in a good way?

Dex, I love you, you asshole!

I have to go.

I know!
He's so good, right?

♪ I put my foot down

♪ And I stomp
on the pavement ♪

♪ I'm a wire
through a plaster wall. ♪

What are you
thinking about?

How even if I started now,

and dedicated
my life to reading,

I wouldn't get
through a fraction

of all of the books
ever written.

You fascinate me, Carrie Pilby,

you know that?

I find you completely
and utterly enchanting.

Why thank you,

professor from a 1950s
black and white movie.

And so...

You know when I say things
like that...

you're brilliant,

or that I think
you're beautiful,

it's because
I really mean that.

I'm not trying to flatter you.

What's your favorite version
of Faust?

Don't change the subject.

- No?
- No.

♪ Come with me

♪ Come and see

♪ The chill,
the hush and glimmering ♪

♪ Of green
the mountain stream... ♪

What is this?
I've never heard it before.

You have an insatiable appetite

for learning.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be.

♪ Under the moon so round ♪

♪ The moon so round

♪ Anyway

♪ There's really
not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really
not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just another day

♪ There's really
not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just
another day... ♪

Wait here, one minute.

♪ There's really
not that much to say ♪

♪ It's just
another day. ♪

Dad, he's cheating.

You know your friend
you hired to try and fix me,

well, he's doing it
with a married woman.

Hello, Carrie.

Your father just stepped away
for a moment.

Sorry, who's this?

I thought I called my dad.

No, you did, you did.

Then who are you?

Oh, dear, I probably

should not have
picked up the phone.

This wasn't how
I wanted us to meet.

But I did want to let you know

how excited I am that you'll be

joining us here for Christmas.

The kids are practically wild

with anticipation...

The kids?

- What?
- Oh, Daniel,

please tell me
you have told her about us.

Told me what?

Oh, God.

Hello, darling.

- What's the matter?
- Told me what?

What haven't you told me
that this woman

and her children know
that I don't...

apart from that
you're not coming
to New York for Christmas!

Well, it was meant
to be a surprise, darling.

I've got the ticket
so that you could come here.

To London?

But that's a shit surprise.

You know I hate London.

And anyway, you promised

we'd always have Christmas here

in New York.

You know, darling,
life doesn't always

work out as we...
as we plan it.

We have to adapt.

But why?

And when were
you gonna tell me?

And when are you
ever gonna stop lying?

I thought it was
too long a conversation

to have on the phone,
and so I decided

- I'll wait till you...
- And then what?

When exactly was
the perfect time to tell me

that you're abandoning
our Christmas tradition

because of some woman
you're shagging,

and her kids are obviously
more important.

Now, Carrie,
that is not the way it is.

Matter of fact, Fliss and I

are going to be married.

I'm sorry, it sounded like

you just said
you were getting married.

I did.

I am.

We are.

So, when you come over,

we can have a long luncheon,
talk everything through,

and I'll explain all to you.

You get to meet Fliss.

I don't want to meet Fliss.

Darling...

we can sort this out...

Go sort yourself!

Hi.

I can't believe you called.

Neither can I.

- Allow me.
- Oh.

- I'm glad you did.
- Mm.

Thank you.

♪ Bring me back

♪ Bring me back
to you... ♪

This is a nice place.

Ah, thanks.

Can I get you something to...

Where is she?

She's at a meeting
in Westchester

with some guy at Craft.

She opened
her own advertising firm

and he is a friend
of her dad's,

so she thinks
he might throw her a bone.

Is that a euphemism?

What? Oh, God, no!

What if he did
throw her a bone?

Would you...
would you be upset?

Maybe.

I mean, I'm not sure...

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

♪ Brings me back
to you... ♪

So, are we doing this, then?

We do seem to be, yeah.

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

♪ Wanna be
your man, girl... ♪

Mmm-hmm.

♪ Every time that I leave ♪

♪ I'm chasing
the wind... ♪

It's a great bookcase.

Yup.

That's where we keep
all the books.

♪ ...taking ahold

♪ Brings me back

♪ Brings me back to you ♪

♪ Wanna be your man, girl ♪

Wow, where did you even learn
how to kiss like that?

Harvard.

Damn, I don't think
M.I.T. had that course.

- You're doing okay.
- Okay.

♪ Wanna be your man

♪ Oh, love

♪ I wanna be your man ♪

♪ Your man

♪ Your man

♪ Oh, do you...

Is this...

is this your first time
unbuttoning a girl's shirt?

No, but it's my first time

unbuttoning a man's shirt
from this angle.

I'm actually wearing
a guy's shirt?

I believe so, yeah.

- How can you tell?
- The buttons.

Buttons on the left
for a woman,

buttons on the right for men.

Look.

- Oh... my God,
- Watch this.

How did I not know this?

See?
You can't see,

but I had my eyes closed
for second.

- Um...
- What?

- What's the matter?
- Is that her?

Yes, it is.

She's watching us.

No, no she isn't.
It's just a photo.

It's just a photo.

♪ Stand by me

♪ And we're perfect

♪ Just like you...

Wait, stop.

She spelled "too" wrong.

♪ You make me
so happy... ♪

Uh...

Yeah...

Yeah, she's a terrible speller.

Let's...
why don't we

just close our eyes
and just try to relax?

Okay?

Oh... I...
I feel dizzy.

Okay.

I knew we shouldn't have tried
to do this at my place.

All the photos and stuff
are a real mood killer.

You know what else
is a mood killer?

Having a fiancée.

Get... my...

How are you going to say vows,

sacred vows
in front of everyone you know,

that you will honor and love
and cherish this woman,

forsaking all others,

when you clearly
don't respect her,

which is the foundation
of all of those things?

You're not going
to leave her, are you?

I...
I really like you.

I really think
we could be good together.

You deserve
to be stimulated by someone

who's on equal footing
with you, and so do I.

Then end this facade
of an engagement.

I will!

I mean, you know, I might.

I just met you!

Not for me!
For you, for her!

Look, I thought
that you wanted this.

Just because
you want something,

doesn't make it right.

Oh, Jesus, Pollyanna.

This is real life.

Real life is complicated.

Don't be such a child.

I think this has been

my best semester ever, Carrie.

Me too.

Oh, I forgot,
I have something for you.

Oh, yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

It's um...

it's more of a loan
than a gift.

I thought
you might like to read

the first edition version.

But, I need it back

because it's really special
to me.

How sweet, thank you.

I promise I'll take
good care of it.

You make me happy,
you know that?

You make me happy too.

Um...

You know
what would really,
really make me happy?

What's that?

If you could say
this one thing for me...

What thing?

I can't say that.

Why not?

Come on,
you're such a quick learner.

And it's just one little thing.

You only have to say it once.

You can...
I mean, you can start slow.

It won't sound right.
It won't sound like me.

Sure it will.

Just say it.

What do you want?

I...

I can't.
It's too embarrassing.

Are you serious?

Why can't you
just do what I ask?

Because I don't want to.

And frankly,
I find it a bit demeaning.

It's not demeaning, it's fun.

Not for me, it isn't.

You know what?
I tried.

But if you can't just do
this one thing for me, then...

Then what?

Jesus, David,
why are you acting like

such psycho about this?

Don't be such a child, Carrie.

I'll call you a cab.

Shit!

No!

No, no, no, no.

Katherine!

Ugh!

I'm sorry!

I don't understand.

I need you to take him back.

We can't accept returns.

He's all alone.
I can't do that to him.

And you're the one that told me

that fish were social.

I already killed his friend,

I don't wanna kill him too.

You killed who?

Katherine.
It was an accident.

Did you eat her?

What? No.
What?

Lots of people
eat goldfish on dares.

That is insane.
Please, take him back.

But don't let anyone eat him.

I told you.
No refunds or returns.

I don't want my money back.

Just have a heart,
it's Christmas Eve.

Oh...

Store policy.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Be free!
Make friends!

Have a life.

You can't do that.
Take him back.

I don't know
which one is which.

I'm calling my manager.

Merry Christmas, Spencer.

Is everything okay?

What?

I heard screaming.

Oh, no!
That was the television.

Oh, okay.

Has your roommate
put you outside again?

Yeah,
but if you don't want me to,

- I could...
- Oh, no, that's fine.

You go ahead.

I'll be here...

obviously.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do you want to go for a walk?

I mean, it is Christmas Eve.

Normal people
don't like to spend it alone.

How would you know
what normal people do?

That's just what I'm told.

Don't you have to practice
blowing indeterminate sounds

out of a large piece of wood?

I could do with a break.

So, do you live alone?

- I do.
- Lucky girl.

My roommate Ted is insane.

- Really?
- He barely says a word.

And when he does speak,
it's invariably to lie.

It's actually incredible.

I've never met anyone like him.

How long have you lived there?

A few months.

I was roughing it,
living in a basement

down in South Jersey
for a while,

just waiting till I got a job

so I could move to the city.

I didn't want to come here

and be owing money to friends,

or having to live
with four annoying roommates.

- You know?
- Now you just have
one annoying roommate?

That's a victory
from where I'm standing.

And you actually have a job

playing the didgeridoo?

There can't be too many of them

- going around.
- Well, I don't

just play the didgeridoo.

Oh, what else do you play?

Just some other instruments.

Like what?

You really want to know?

Otherwise I wouldn't be asking.

Okay, let's see...

Flute, clarinet,
trumpet, trombone, tuba,

saxophone, guitar, piano,
drums, bassoon,

harmonica, and the triangle.

I'm actually pretty killer
on the triangle.

And the didgeridoo.

I'm still learning that one,
but yeah.

Did you study music in college?

Yeah, at Berklee.

Do you like music?

I'd be a weird person
if I didn't like music.

I used to listen to old records

at my grandmother's
when I was a kid.

I was actually quite odd

when I was younger, you know.

Impossible.

Who's your favorite musician?

John Coltrane at the moment.

Nice.

You heard of him?

He's kind of famous.

You'd be surprised
by how many people

have never said that.

Knowledge is kind of my thing.

Oh, yeah?

So, were you
one of those head-down

academic types in high school?

You could say that, yeah.

And I'll bet
you were in every
after school society.

Not every one.

Just Harvard Model Congress,

Excellent Exegists,
Mathletes, College Bowl.

Wow.
You really were a nerd.

Well, that's something
coming from a band geek.

Touché.

What's your actual job?

I play, um...

I play clarinet
for the New York Philharmonic.

But I mean, I just started,

so it's... it's nothing.

That's incredible.

Your parents
must be so proud of you.

You know, you'd have thought
they would be,

but the truth is they really
don't get it at all.

My...

my dad wanted me

to do something more practical,

I guess.

Ever since
I tried to explain to him

that music's my thing,
he pretty much refuses

to engage
in any discussion about it.

That's awful.

How do you deal with that?

I don't know.
I didn't for a long time.

And then one day
I just thought,

"Screw this," you know?

I have one life
and I'm allowed to be happy.

You know?

He'll come around
if he comes around.

Yeah.

My dad has a whole new family.

I just hate the feeling
that I've disappointed him.

Has he disappointed you?

Mmm-hmm.

But that doesn't mean
you don't love him, does it?

No, no, no, of course not.

So, maybe
it's the same for him?

I mean, I'm sure he loves you.

What's not to love?

So, uh...

what about you?

- What do you do?
- Oh, proofreader.

Professional, though.

Not one of those amateurs
you hear about.

Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.

I'm not like you.

I don't have it
figured out yet.

Well, when you do,

I've got a feeling

you're gonna set the world
alight.

What makes you say that?

That's just what my gut says.

Do you wanna dance?

No, no.

I dance like
a rhythmless four-year-old.

No, no. Seriously.

You'll have images
you won't ever be able

to get out of your head,
like when you see

- a really bad horror movie.
- I love horror movies.

Seriously, no.

I won't take no for an answer.

Here, come on.

- Oh...
- Come on.

Okay, okay.
You asked for it.

All right.

Here.
Put your arm here.

- Are you ready?
- Mmm-hmm.

You're freezing.

No, it's okay.

Here.
Take my coat.

Thanks.

Looks good.

Is this yours?

Yeah, Salinger.
You read it?

What am I saying?
Of course you have.

Um...
I... I have to go.

Go where?

There's just something
I have to do really quickly.

Would you mind
if I borrowed this?

I'll bring it back tomorrow.

You're really close by.

Of course.

- No problem.
- Thank you.

It's been really nice.

You're not nearly as bad
as I thought you were.

Merry Christmas!

Hello?

Is David there?

Who is this?

Carrie.

Who?

Can I just please speak
to David?

Carrie?

I want my book back.

What book?

The one I lent you.

My first edition
of "Franny and Zooey."

Yeah, I'm right
in the middle of hosting

a Christmas party.

Can we discuss this next
month when I get back to my
office?

Could you please just do
this one thing for me?

Well, I'll tell you what.

If I find it, I'll be sure
to let you know, okay?

Merry Christmas, Carrie.

Okay...

God...
I'm not going to lie.

I don't really believe
you exist.

So, I don't really know
what I'm doing,

or who I'm talking to,

but anyway,
I just thought I might

at least let you know
in the unlikely event

that you did exist,

what my requests
would be this Christmas.

It won't take long, I promise.

So, firstly,

I'd like things to be better

for the homeless,
the old, the sick,

and anyone
who's not doing so great.

I'm sorry
for when I judge people.

And I'm sorry
for the not-so-good things

I've done lately.

It just seems kind of hard
to avoid doing them.

But I'll try and do better,
I promise.

Oh, and this might
sound really petty,

but could you please
help everyone learn

how to pronounce
"In Excelsis Deo" correctly?

Thanks.

And...

I know...

that my mom probably
isn't up there with you,

but if she was,
I just want her to know

that I really,
really, really miss her.

And I know
that my dad does too.

As for him,
I'm just tired of fighting.

I just really wish everything

could be like it was before.

So, anyway, that's it I guess.

Amen.

Oh, and happy birthday.

I know it's Christmas,

so you don't have to work,
even though you're Jewish,

and technically
you don't celebrate,

but we need to talk.

Are you okay?

Not really, no.

And I'm sorry to interrupt
your non-holiday,

but I couldn't wait
another week to tell you

that your list is crap.

- All right, just hold on...
- No. I will not hold on.

I need you to listen to me.

Because of you,
I am a fish murderer.

Even worse, I almost slept
with an engaged guy.

And I am
more confused than ever.

Like, is it so wrong for me

to do what is right
and be happy?

Because if so,
I am destined to be

a miserable person,
list or no list.

Carrie, stop.
Please, come inside...

I know what
you're going to say.

You're gonna say
I can't say the list is crap

because
I haven't finished it yet.

But the thing is,
I can't finish it

because I left
my "Franny and Zooey"

at Professor Harrison's.

- Okay, so get it back.
- I told you, I can't!

I don't need to finish
the list to know that,

shocker...
drinking a cherry soda

will not make my dad
pay attention to me.

Having a goldfish
won't bring my mom back.

It did help me learn,
though, that going on a date

could make me feel
more lonely than ever.

You know what I think?
I think you're the one
who needs a list.

And it should have things
on it like,

"Don't have affairs
with married women."

- Now wait a minute.
- And fine, you're an adult,

so you can do what you like,
but so can I.

And just because
I don't want to do

demeaning or immoral things
doesn't make me a prude.

I mean, a prude
wouldn't sleep with

her English professor,
would she?

You slept with
your English professor?

Dad!

I tried to tell you.

What are you doing here?

What...
what is he doing here?

I was worried about you.

Obviously,
I had a very good reason to.

- Why didn't you call?
- I did call.

You didn't pick up your phone.

Because my phones are broken!

Where's your new family?

Did you ship them off too,

so you didn't have to deal
with them?

That's not fair, Carrie.

What he did to me isn't fair.

That didn't stop him.

Go home, Dad.

I came so that
you wouldn't have to go

to London,

which you seem to hate.

No, I don't hate London,
I hate you!

And I hate this stupid list!

Well...

that went well.

Give her some time.

Hi.

Wasn't sure if you'd remember.

It's been such long time.

I'm a prodigy, aren't I?

I think I can remember
the simple phrase,

"If you get lost,

I'll meet you
at Hans Christian Andersen."

Poor guy.

Never found love.

Wrote all those books
for children

and never had any of his own.

Mm.

Might be a good thing.

If he had them, he undoubtedly

would have disappointed them.

I really want you
to like Felicity.

I should have told you.

But I thought that
if you met her first,

then she and and her kids,
you'd give them

a bit more of a chance.

When your mother got sick,

I felt that I had
failed her somehow.

My whole reason for being

was to take care of her,
and you.

And then I got really terrified

that I was going to fail you
as well.

So, I thought
that you would be better off

with people who understood
how to teach you.

I mean, you were so far ahead
of your classmates.

You were brilliant.

And I thought if you went
to college,

you'd meet people
who were of like mind.

I was 14.

I was a freak.

What about the English teacher?

Made me feel like less of one.

At the beginning at least.

Did he... hurt you?

No, no, it wasn't like that.

You can press charges.

Dad, I don't think
you can press charges

for hurting someone's feelings.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact
that you were underage.

I was 16.

That's the legal age
of consent.

And anyway, he never forced me.

He manipulated you.

He used his position.

I'm gonna have him fired.

Well, he's teaching
at Columbia now,

so it looks like
someone beat you to it.

I just wish the bastard
would give me my book back.

- What book?
- "Franny and Zooey."

Don't you remember?

Mom gave me a first edition

for my 12th birthday.

Oh, yes.

So she did.

You lent him that book?

I thought he'd appreciate it.

I thought he'd appreciate me.

Right, that's it.

Come on, let's go.

Where?

We're gonna get your book back.

- What?
- Where's he live?

Dad, I really don't think...

Carrie, where does he live?

Hi.

Hi.

Is David here?

Who is it, Amanda?

There's a girl here to see you.

Carrie.

What an unexpected pleasure.

This is Amanda, my wife.

Carrie Pilby, a student.

Ex-student.

You got married?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

I'm Daniel Pilby,
Carrie's father.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

We've come to get a book

that your husband's been
kind enough

to look after for me.

Oh, yeah, the book.

Well, it's somewhere
inside the house.

As soon as I have a chance,
I'll find it,

and I'll put it in the mail.

Why don't we save you
the trouble

and have
a quick look ourselves?

Excuse me.

I already told you,
I don't know where it is.

But you said yourself
it must be here somewhere.

Hello.

Do you mind?

No, not at all.

We won't be a moment.

Happy Christmas.

Same to you.

Library.

♪ Good tidings to you

♪ Wherever you are...

- We've got guests.
- They seem very nice.

Oh!

♪ ...And a Happy New Year

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas... ♪

- Look!
- Ah!

There!

That wasn't
so difficult after all.

Will that be all?

Well, there is one small thing.

Yes?

Borrowing a book
and not returning it

is the height of rudeness.

- You son of a...
- Yeah.

Come along, Carrie.

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas... ♪

Who was this guy?

It looks good on you.

- What?
- The blood.

Turns your lips red.

♪ ...New Year.

Are you okay?

I think... I think
I've broken something.

Bloody worth it, though, eh?

Let me see.
Let me see.

I think you're gonna be okay.

I missed you.

And I missed you too.

So, so much.

And I'm so sorry
for everything.

It's okay.

But you need to stop
trying to get me sorted.

I'm 19.

I'm not supposed
to be sorted yet.

Okay.

I come in peace.

Carrie, hi.

I wasn't sure if you'd show up

for your appointment today.

Did your dad leave?

Yeah, he did.

I miss him already.

You can go back to sleep
if you want.

No, no.
I was just a little tired.

Long night?

You do realize
it's not appropriate for me

to discuss
my personal life with you.

I think it would really help me

if you did.

All right.

What do you want to know?

Was there ever a time

when you thought
that cheating was wrong?

Of course.
I still do.

Then how do
you justify it?
Don't you feel bad?

Yes.

No.

All of the above.

I do part-time consulting
for Cheryl's agency.

She works with abused children.

We spent
a lot of time together.

I invited her for coffee.

We talked, we talked more.

We wanted to spend
more time together.

I suppose I am

what you might call
a hypocrite.

It must bring you great joy
to hear me say that.

No, no.
It doesn't.

Her husband doesn't show her
any affection.

- That's an excuse.
- He's always gone.

- Excuse.
- He's been cheating.

- Excuse.
- And maybe...

Excuse!

Maybe she'll leave him?

Excuse.

I just came to let you know

that my dad and I made up.

I'm very glad.

And, okay.

He helped me to get this back.

"Franny and Zooey."

And as we often say
in my profession,

how did that make you feel?

Like maybe I should finish
that silly,

or not so silly,

list that I threw
in your general direction?

Oh, I was hoping
you'd say that.

You saved it.

Just in case.

I have a photographic memory,
remember?

Thank you.

So, what are you going
to do about Mrs. Rubin?

I don't know.

Contrary to what the degrees
on the wall may imply,

I don't have all the answers.

I wouldn't trust anyone
who thought that they did.

Maybe you need
to make her a list.

"Five ways
to leave her husband."

You know, sometimes...

you really remind me
of your mother.

Thanks.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Compliment intended.

You are allowed
to be happy, Carrie.

You know that, don't you?

Your mom
would want that for you.

Shit.

Carrie!

Oh, thank God!

I thought you might
never speak to me again

after I abandoned you
at Dex's gig.

How can I ever
make it up to you?

You already did.

You helped me
cross something off my list.

I did?
Which one?

Make a friend.

- Oh!
- Oh, okay.

You're hurting me a little bit.

Oh, come on.

I want to introduce you to Dex.

- Dex? Dex-Dex?
- Yeah.

What, "Nationally
registered tongue" Dex?

- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, sorry!

Oh, Carrie, this is Dex.

Dex, this is Carrie.

Hi, nice to meet you!

Yeah, you too.

Oh, uh...

He seems... nice.

Yeah, he is.

I'll call you.
We'll go for lunch.

Oh, oh!
I would love that.

Well, see you later!

Okay.

Pilby!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Are you wearing eye makeup?

It looks good.

Hey, what's the square root
of 6,023?

Seventy-five.

You're a freaking genius!

- I made it up.
- Like, what's the equation?

What special equations
do you use?

You know what,
I'll tell you on Monday.

You're leaving?

I have a party limit,
and I'm all partied out.

But I'll see you later.
Happy New Year.

What a scene here
in Times Square!

Hundreds of thousands
of people crammed in here.

Very excited,
counting down to midnight.

- That's a no brainer!
- Absolutely.

Well, I'd like to get
in the hot tub already.

- I'm so cold right now!
- You're cold?

Are you kidding,
it's 40 degrees.
Try living in Minnesota.

- Should they get
in the hot tub?
They should

because we're freezing
and we would love

to get in the hot tub.

You're from Phoenix!

Should
they get in the hot tub?

Yes, you ladies
get in the hot tub quick!

- Get in the hot tub!
Come on, get in the hot tub.
- Fuck it.

Hey.

Hi.
You must be Ted.

Is Cy in?

Moved out.

What?

When?

Yesterday.

Oh, okay.

Um...

- Well...
- Bye-bye, then.

Oh, okay, um...

Well, is there any way
that I could...

Happy New Year.

Is it...

What is the matter with you?

Can you not stop lying
for one minute?

Hey, sorry.

You see what I mean?
The guy's a compulsive liar.

You literally can't believe
a word he says.

Nice tux.

Oh, yeah.
We had a concert.

I just got back.

You didn't wanna go out after?

New Year's Eve
isn't really my thing.

Me neither.

Do you want to come in?

If that's okay.

Yeah, I think
that could be okay.

Actually, would you mind
waiting here one second?

There's just
something I have to do

really, really quickly.

I'll be...
I'll be one minute.

Okay.

You're always disappearing.

Sorry, I thought
I left the stove on.

That's okay.

This is a much
better spot anyway.

Spot?

To watch the fireworks.

They're about to start.

Here, take my hand.

It's freezing.

I'd loan you my coat,

but someone forgot
to return it.

Oh, right.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Shall I pop in and grab it?

You just stay right here,
Carrie Pilby.

So, what's Cy short for?

Cyrus.

What about Carrie?

Nothing.

It's just Carrie.

What's your middle name?

♪ Go on, make a mistake ♪

♪ Come on,
let's jump in a lake ♪

♪ It's your favorite song ♪

♪ Watching
the sky turn blue ♪

♪ You always know
where to find me ♪

♪ I used to do nothing
of the kind ♪

♪ See, I'm just sitting here
on this fence ♪

♪ Watching the sky
turn blue ♪

♪ Don't you think
it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine
down on you ♪

♪ Leave the take,
I'll take the kids ♪

♪ In the middle
of my coffee break ♪

♪ You'll find me
on the Ferris wheel ♪

♪ Watching the sky
turn blue ♪

♪ Don't you think
it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine
down on you ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Don't you think
it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Don't you think
it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ Don't you think
it's about time ♪

♪ About time, about time ♪

♪ The sun shine
down on you ♪

♪ Watching the sky
turn blue ♪

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Sun shine down

♪ Sun shine down...