Carrie Fisher: Wishful Drinking (2010) - full transcript

( Piano playing )

Carrie Fisher:
♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above
are clear again... ♪

man: Guys, we're at about 30 minutes
to 8:00, so how are we doing?

♪ So let's sing a song ♪

♪ of cheer again ♪

♪ happy days
are here again... ♪

man: I have Brian standing by for a
Mike check whenever you guys are ready.

- Man #2: Great, thank you.
- ♪ all together shout it now ♪

♪ there's no one
who can doubt it now ♪



♪ so let's tell the world
about it now... ♪

Carrie, when you have a
moment, could you just

count one to 10 for me, please,
and move around a little bit?

One, two, three, four,
five, six,

seven, eight, nine, 10.

♪ There'll be no more ♪

♪ from now on... ♪

- okay, here we go.
- ♪ From now on... ♪

all right.

♪ Happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above ♪

♪ are clear again... ♪

woman: There's a big,
full house out there.



They're settling them in.
They're very excited.

♪ Happy times,
happy nights... ♪

sorry.

♪ Happy days
are here... ♪

hi.

I'm Carrie Fisher,
and I'm an alcoholic.

♪ Again. ♪

I didn't really get your
area that well, did I?

Aww.

Thank you.
Here.

( Laughter )

Okay, that's enough of that.

You're very welcome.
Anytime.

( Sighs )

Okay, now...

I have to start by telling you

that my entire life

could be summed up
in one phrase,

and that is:

If my life wasn't funny

it would just be true,

and that is completely
unacceptable.

Now what that means is,

other than what it sounds like,

let's say something
happens, right?

And from a certain slant
maybe it's tragic,

even a little bit shocking.

And then time passes

and you go to the funny slant.

And now that very same thing

can no longer do you any harm.

So what we're really
talking about then

is location location location.

Now an example of
the tragic and shocking

might be:

About five years ago,

four months and nine days,

a friend of mine
died at my house.

But not content

to simply die at my house,

this guy also died in my bed.

Yeah.

So he didn't just
die in his sleep,

he died in mine.

If you entertain like I do,

really try to alert your guests

not to do this, okay?

For two reasons really:

A... it's kind of bad manners

if you think about it, you know?

And two...

It tends to throw the host,

or hostess,

off their game
a little bit, you know,

like, for a year

or five.

Greg was one of my best friends.

He was not my boyfriend
or anything, you know.

I mean, he didn't die
in the saddle,

which would've made me
the saddle.

Now if you have, seriously,

any questions at all

about what it's like
to wake up next to a corpse

who was very recently
a beloved friend,

you could just shout out
whatever question you had

and I would do my very best
to field it.

So you've all woken up
with dead bodies?

Man:
What were you wearing?

What was I wearing?

You mean, if it was,
like, a wrong outfit

that might have killed him?

Now actually one of my
favorite questions

that I've been asked is
was I naked.

I haven't been naked

in 15 years.

And I haven't been
sleeveless in 20.

Some of you ladies know
what I'm talking about.

I should tell you at this point

just to get you going here,

Greg was a republican,

which I do believe
contributed in part

to his death.

( Applause )

Well, but no, he did...

He had a very very serious case.

He was a lobbyist,

which is obviously fatal
in some instances.

Woman:
What was he wearing?

What was he wearing?

What the fuck does it matter?

He was dead.

The dead, contrary to rumor,

don't give a shit about
what they're wearing.

Woman #2: Who was the
first person you called?

Who would you call
in that situation?

- Woman #2: I'm not sure.
- Woman #3: Your mother.

Well yes, that's true.

Well, now if you knew
my mother, maybe not.

911, okay?

And the police did come,
as they often do

when there are dead bodies
strewn about.

So I'm actually... I'm standing

in the living room
with this policeman.

He turns to me and he says,

"I really like
your house."

My friend Dave said to me
at the time,

"you know, honey,
I know this is all

just a gigantic
pain in the ass."

And I said,

"if I could isolate the pain

just to my ass,

it would be
fantastic."

And he said, "well,

that's the meditation
then."

Anyway, enough
about death, okay?

I just... I wanted to get

that bummer story out of the way

at the top of the show.

Now I was born
in Burbank, California,

to simple folk,

people of the land.

No, actually.

My father was a famous singer.

♪ Tweedle Dee, tweedle Dee ♪

♪ tweedle Dee Dee ♪

♪ I'm as happy
as can be... ♪

and my mom... you want to
hear something really cool?

My mother's a movie star.

- ( Fans cheering )
- Woman: Debbie, we love you!

She is literally,
like, an icon...

A gay icon,

but you take your iconic stature

where you can get it.

My father...

He had a lot of hit songs.

But I think the one
he's best remembered for

is the song
"oh! My papa"...

♪ Oh! My papa... ♪

which I like to call

"oh my faux pas."

And my mother, she had...

She did tons of films, you know,

but probably the one
she's best remembered for

is the classic film
"singing in the rain."

She was also nominated for
an Oscar for best actress

for her work in
"the unsinkable Molly brown."

But she lost to Julie Andrews

for her stunning, layered

and moving portrait

of Mary poppins.

I think it was
ibsen's "Mary poppins."

And my mother...

She also made another film
called "Tammy,"

which was a hit song as well,

which really pissed off my dad

'cause that was
his area, you know?

♪ Tammy, Tammy ♪

♪ can't let him go... ♪

she was... actually
she was pregnant with me

when she filmed
"Tammy."

She was also pregnant with me

in yet another film.

And this one was called
"a bundle of joy,"

costarring that
marvelous method actor

Eddie Fisher.

( Swing music playing )

Pregnant, okay?

Oh, now you're gonna see

lamaze in the '50s coming up.

There it is.
Oh yeah.

I think that explains
a lot, don't you?

( Applause )

Yeah.

When I was born

my mom was given anesthesia.

They didn't have epidurals
in those days, right?

So my mother was unconscious.

Now my mother

is a beautiful woman.

I mean, seriously,
she's beautiful today at 78.

At 24

she looked like
a Christmas morning.

So all the doctors... they're
buzzing around her head going,

"oh look, there's
Debbie Reynolds asleep.

How pretty."

Then my father, upon seeing me,

you know,
start to come through...

Crown, with all the placenta
and the... ugh...

My father faints dead away.

So now all the nurses go,

"oh look, there's
Eddie Fisher the crooner

on the ground.
Let's go look at him."

So when I arrived

I was virtually unattended.

And I've been trying

to make up for that fact
ever since.

Even this show tonight

is a pathetic bid
for the attention

that I lacked as a newborn.

- ( Applause )
- Oh, thank you.

That helps so much.

Yeah.

My dad... he was best friends

with this very very
charismatic producer

whose name was Mike Todd.

He produced a film called

"around the world in 80 days,"

which won an Oscar
for best picture.

So my father, my mother,

Mike Todd and his fiancee,

who happened to be
Elizabeth Taylor...

Well, you know,
they went everywhere together, right?

I mean, they went to nightclubs.
They went on cruises.

They literally traveled
the world.

So when Mike and Elizabeth
got married,

my father was
Mike Todd's best man

and my mother was

Elizabeth's matron of honor.

Yeah.

She even washed her hair
on her wedding day.

Now later I did hear her mumble

that she wished
she'd washed it with nair.

But she's not a bitter
woman really, you know.

Anyway, I was about
one and a half or two

when my brother was born.

And my father... he so adored

this man Mike Todd

that my brother Todd
was named for him.

But, you know,
in the Jewish faith

it is considered back luck

to name a newborn

after someone
who's still living...

A silly superstition...

Or so they thought.

'Cause about a year later

Mike Todd took off

in a private plane
in a rainstorm.

Newscaster: Miss Taylor
was in a state of collapse

following the death of her
husband in a plane crash.

And the following morning

Elizabeth was a widow.

Well, you know,

naturally my father flew

to Elizabeth's side,

gradually making his way

slowly to her front.

( Laughter )

He dried her eyes
with his handkerchief.

He consoled her with flowers.

And ultimately he consoled her

with his penis.

This made marriage
to my mother awkward.

And so he was gone
within the week.

Newscaster: Debbie
Reynolds went into court

and in five minutes had
a divorce from Eddie Fisher.

Showing no emotion,
the 26-year-old testified

her husband had become
interested in another woman.

It wasn't long afterward
that the singer was married

to the widow of his
good friend Mike Todd.

Recently my daughter Billie...

She's actually
about to turn 18...

She had a flirtation

with Mike Todd
and Elizabeth's grandson.

And when they first met,
you know,

they were trying to work out

how it all fit together, right,

and if they were
related in any way.

So I thought about it.

Now when I think,

I need an enormous blackboard.

Also it is helpful

if I can have a stick.

That way I could point

to the various people
on the blackboard and...

When you pray.

This is garret...

My spiritual advisor
and gynecologist.

Thank you.

Well, you never know.

So welcome, class,
to Hollywood 101.

All right, so over here

we have Debbie and Eddie.

Now in the '50s they were known

as America's sweethearts.

For those of you
that are younger,

try to think of it this way:

Think of Eddie as Brad Pitt,

Debbie as Jennifer Aniston

and Elizabeth as Angelina Jolie.

Does that help?

That should help, right?

All right, so...

Eddie consoles Elizabeth
with his penis.

Elizabeth takes
a movie in Rome...

A big-budget film
"Cleopatra."

She meets her costar
Richard Burton.

Well, goodbye Eddie,
hello Richard.

The two of them...
They hit it off

like gangbusters, you know?

And they met and they married

and they had a wild,
tempestuous relationship

of Violet eyes and Welsh accents

and drinking and dancing

and lust and joy and fun.

But it was a tempestuous
relationship.

So after a while

the storm clouds came,
and what happened?

No cheating.
What?

Storm clouds are a negative.

Woman:
Divorce.

- Divorce, okay. What's your name?
- Nicole.

- What?
- Nicole.

Nicole.
Okay, Nicole,

what we do with our
better students

here at Hollywood 101...

We provide them with a medal.

Think of it as a metaphor

- for getting a medal.
- Okay.

- Look, it's kind of like being in "the
wizard of oz." - Should I come and get it?

♪ You're out of the woods, you're out
of the dark, you're out of the... ♪

- now look, you have to undo
it because... - oh, thank you.

There we go.
Now, Nicole, you still...

- The medal fell off.
- Oh Jesus.

Well, let me just put it
in your cleavage then.

( Audience laughter )

- Which is ample.
- That's good.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Now, Nicole,

you're gonna have to
still earn this, okay?

- Okay, I got it.
- All right, you can sit back down.

- All right, so...
- ( Applause )

As Nicole said,

they did get a divorce.

But they had

good memories of each other,

so, Nicole, what'd they do then?

- They got married again.
- They remarried. Exactly.

All right, now keep that in mind

'cause it might come up again.

Let's go to Debbie, okay?

Debbie does not want

another man who'll just run off.

So she marries

someone very very old,
who can't run.

Now he just sits in a chair,

he smokes and he drinks.

And after about 13 years

he loses all his money

and then he takes all hers...

Fun.

And they got divorced.

And she was alone for a while.

But then fate intervened

and brought her this sociopath.

Yeah, that's Richard hamlett.

He had money issues too...
Her money.

But now before we get
too far past

this first stepfather
right here,

this man is named Harry Karl.

Harry was a shoe tycoon.

Doesn't sound like those words

should fit together, does it?
In this case they do.

All right,
so prior to being married to my mom,

Harry was married
to this woman right here.

This is Marie McDonald...

Marie "the body" McDonald,

as she was known.

Marie was an actress... ish.

And so they met
and they married,

and they had a wild,
tempestuous relationship.

They had a child.

And that went so well,

they adopted two more.

Now Marie McDonald

was a very optimistic,
romantic woman.

And I say this
because she married

a grand total of nine times.

Yeah.

Now that is a record
for the board.

And that is saying something,

because this is
a marrying board.

If you marry that many times,

you're bound to get
a headache, no?

Twice gave me a whopper.

Anyway, I think it did,
you know,

give poor Marie a headache

because she wound up
addicted to painkillers.

Now you want to hear
something really wild?

I just found this out.

If you get addicted
to painkillers,

it can turn out to go
very wrong for you.

Who knew that?

It did go wrong for Marie,

because she ended up
overdosing and passing on.

And that last husband of hers

shot himself.

Well, they loved each other
to death.

So now there are
these three children left.

What should we do with them?

Oh, I know.

Let's send them
to Harry and Debbie.

They are told

that one of these three children

should be institutionalized.

But my mother is a good person,

much like Sarah Palin,
only smarter.

And she said, "absolutely not.

We will put her

in Carrie's room!"

It's funny now.

Now let's go to Eddie, shall we?

How do you follow an act
like Elizabeth Taylor, right?

So he... he thinks of
something though.

He does pull something together.

He meets this woman right here.

Now this is a blonde, cute,

perky little actress.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

No, it's not Debbie again.

It's a tribute to Debbie.

It's Connie Stevens!

So they met and they had

joely Fisher and tricia Fisher.

Oh wait.
Hang on a second.

Did they forget to get married?

They did.
They forgot.

Well, but now they remember
and they marry.

But as all of you know,

legal sex is just shite.

They have the dreadful
legal sex.

The storm clouds come.
Nicole, what happened?

- They get divorced.
- They got a divorce.

But don't worry.
My father's not alone for long.

Because now he meets and marries

this girl...

Miss Louisiana!

Yes, she's three years
older than I am

and she calls me
"dear."

She's in her early 20s.
He's in his late 50s.

She had so many years
to devote to him.

But weirdly,

after a very short time,

Nicole, what happened?

They divorced.

They divorced.
I was stunned.

But don't worry.

My father is not alone for long.

Because now he meets and marries

this woman right here.

This is Betty lin.
Betty's from Shanghai.

And she takes great care
of my dad,

which, you know, he needs.

Also, Betty is rich,

which is handy, 'cause my father

has gone bankrupt
four times by now.

Anyway, they're together

15 glorious years.

But then, Nicole, what happened?

- They got a divorce?
- No.

- No?
- This is a trick question.

She did... she passed away.

I know.
It was really sad.

But don't worry.

My dad is not alone for long.

Because now my father dates

all of Chinatown!

Well, now hang on a second now.

My father has had
so many facelifts

that he looks Asian himself.

It makes it more right.

You know what I'm talking about.

So let's recap, shall we?

Okay, Eddie and Debbie
have the good sex.

They celebrate.
They have Todd and myself.

I grow up... ( Chuckles )

A matter of opinion.

And I meet and marry
this man right here.

This is Paul Simon.

Paul Simon is a short
Jewish singer.

( Laughter )

A short Jewish singer.

Any questions?

My mother makes a blueprint

and I follow it to the letter.

All right, so Paul and i...
Great marriage,

words words, so many words,

big words, clever words.

Uh-oh, the words get mean, Nicole.
What happened?

- You divorced.
- We divorced.

But don't worry.
I am not alone for long,

because now I meet
this goy... guy.

This guy.

This is Bryan lourd.
Bryan's a talent agent...

Less words, good sex.
We celebrate.

We have Billie lourd, okay?

Elizabeth Taylor and Mike Todd...

They have Liza Todd.

And when Mike passes away,

my father adopts her.

Also, Liza is
a wonderful sculptress.

And she meets and marries
her art professor...

Professor hap tivey.

Hap is short for happy,
so he's not Jewish.

Anyway, they meet
and they celebrate.

They have Quinn tivey
and Rhys tivey.

So Quinn tivey

and Billie lourd...

Are they related?

Man: No.

Are they?

Audience:
No.

Yes, they are.

I told them,

"you are related
by scandal."

I just... I hope
the two of them marry

so all this
will have been worthwhile.

And that is
Hollywood inbreeding,

ladies and gentlemen.

( Grunts )

Hollywood inbreeding...

It's a little bit like royal
inbreeding, you know.

And celebrity...

It's kind of like
America's royalty, right?

I actually...

I like to think of celebrity

as just obscurity
biding its time.

So...

( Laughter )

So my brother and I

grew up watching our parents'

once white hot,
bright star of celebrity

slowly dim, cool and fade.

We watched this

from a house that I call
the embassy.

'Cause really it looked
much more like a place

where you'd get your passport
stamped, you know,

well, than a house.

I mean, where would you put a
Christmas wreath on a thing like this?

It looks like an air
conditioner, doesn't it?

So obviously
it is a modern house,

a warm house.

And it had things

that most normal houses
don't have.

For example, we had

eight little pink refrigerators

in case snow white and the
seven dwarves showed up.

And we had a lanai.

Oh, we had three pools,

in case two broke.

My stepfather Harry Karl...

I don't know if you
noticed or not...

He wasn't really a handsome man.

But because he was wealthy

and well-groomed,

he was said to be
distinguished-looking.

That's ugly with money.

( Chuckles )

Actually they made a movie

about Harry Karl
and Marie McDonald

and the multiple marriages,

and it was called
"the marrying man."

And Alec Baldwin
played Harry Karl.

And I think the resemblance

is astonishing.
I really do.

Oh, and the barber
that came every day

to keep him
distinguished-looking,

we found out later

that that barber
was actually a pimp

with a talent for hair.

And for those of you with pimps,

Nicole, you know, they usually...

They can't do hair for shit.

So, you know, this made
marriage to my mother awkward,

so what she did though was...
She's crafty...

She got... she took this
musical in New York

to get out of the marriage,

which in Hollywood is actually

a legal way to dissolve a union

without involving lawyers.

And she took me
out of high school

and put me in the chorus
of this musical.

And I don't care
what you've heard,

chorus work is far more valuable

than an education would ever be,

clearly.

I grew up...

I grew up knowing

that I had the prettiest mother

of anyone in my class.

But, you know, my mom...

She's also... she's a
little bit eccentric.

I mean, she does... she
has a lot of unique ideas.

For example, she thought

that I should have a child

with her last husband Richard

because it would have nice eyes.

I should probably
explain this to you

before you think it's weird.

Uh, see, the thing is,

my mother... she'd gone
through the change, you know?

So she didn't... she couldn't
have children anymore.

And Richard didn't have any
children of his own yet.

And he had nice eyes.

And my womb was free.

And we're related.

My mother wants me
to explain to you

that she thought that you
could inseminate someone

by giving them
an injection in your arm,

putting the semen right here.

If she ever thought

that it involved
something southerly,

she never would've
suggested it, okay?

Now my mother did not just
bring this up once or twice

like a normal mother would,

like you would.

No, she brought it up
many many times

and mostly while I was driving.

And when I finally
suggested to her

that, you know, might be
an odd idea,

she said, "oh darling,

have you read
'the enquirer' lately?

We live in a very
strange world."

Well, when "the enquirer"

becomes your standard
for living,

you're in a lot of trouble.

When I told my grandmother

about my mom's idea,

she said,

"well, that's not
right."

The voice of reason, right?

My grandma Maxine...

She was from El Paso, Texas.

My mother's whole clan

was from Texas
and all around there.

And my father's people
were from south Philly,

in that area.

So basically we're white trash.

Well, because of
the celebrity factor though,

I like to think of us as
blue-blooded white trash, you know.

Anyway, I bring up
my grandmother

because when my mother
was about seven,

my grandmother locked her
in the closet.

So after my mom

had been in the closet
about an hour,

she asked my grandmother
for a glass of water.

And my grandmother
naturally said, "why?"

And my mother said,

"because I've spit
all over your dresses

and now I've run out of spit

and I want to spit
all over your shoes."

These are the people
I hail from, okay?

My mother and i...

Ultimately we didn't go forward

with the plan for me
to have Richard's baby.

Yeah, and I know it's
probably best we didn't.

Well, I mean,
aside from the obvious...

My sister, my daughter,

my sister, my daughter...

Ow...

My mother ended up
hating Richard.

And she had a really
really good reason.

This man...

He broke her pension plan.

Ow.
That's hard to do.

And he took
all the money she'd made

since Harry took
the first batch.

So she says to me at this point,

"you know, dear,

Eddie's starting to look
like the good husband."

"Eddie the good husband"

by Anton Chekhov.

What can you really say

about my father?

I'm asking you.

All right, well,
I don't know what you can say,

but here's what I can say.

My father...

He is unbelievably charming.

I mean, seriously,
you would love him.

He's adorable.

I mean, there is a reason
that he was able to score

all that unbelievable pussy...

Well, you know, I mean,

and get all those fantastic
women to marry him.

Eddie Fisher:
♪ if I loved you ♪

♪ time and again... ♪

my father is 81

and he smokes five joints a day,

for medicinal
purposes, of course.

So we call him puff daddy.

Um...

( Applause )

No, the great thing
about that is...

We did this show near to
where my dad lives.

So he came to the opening night

and he brought his dealer.

Which was fantastic, you know,

'cause you really want
the dealer's point of view

on any work you do.

Right?

You know what I'm talking about.

Actually a few months back

I sent my father a couple a
strippers, as one does.

And he was
unbelievably grateful.

He called me and he said,

"baby, I will do
anything you say.

I mean, you say, 'run, '

and I say,
'how high?'"

now...

Anyway, a few years back

Billie and I went
to San Francisco

to visit my... where he lives,

'cause there is a really
big Chinatown there.

There is.

And the day before, my father...

He'd gotten these
little hearing aids.

You know those teeny tiny ones?

They fit right in your ears, right?
They're super expensive.

Well, my dad...

He'd gotten them
the day before, right?

So the night before he
didn't want to lose them

or forget where they were,

so he put them in his pillbox

next to his bed
so that he would reme...

( laughter )

Yes, in the morning he ate them.

So whenever he couldn't
hear Billie or myself,

we'd yell into his stomach
or his ass.

I wish I was kidding.

Subsequently he got
the hearing aids again

and I did have the
opportunity to see them.

They are size of a Lima bean...

A rubber Lima bean
with an antenna.

Now look, I adore pills.

I mean, seriously, huge fan.

But these were truly

like none I had ever seen.

I don't know what you're
like in the morning.

Well, I know
what you're like, but...

I am not that sharp,

but I think I would know

if I were eating

a rubber Lima bean
with an antenna

twice.

Well, if you have
a life like mine...

And I know some of you do,

'cause I recognize you
from my group,

yes...

Then these things...
They gradually accumulate

until you become known
as a survivor.

It's a term I really don't...

I don't like it,
you know, really.

But the thing is,
when you are a survivor...

Which, okay, whatever.

I, you know,
reluctantly agree that I am,

and who here over 40 isn't?

But when you are a survivor,

in order to be
a really good one,

you have to keep
getting in trouble

to show off your gift.

Now my mother says,

"well, dear,
what are the choices?

Not surviving?"

My mother,

who incidentally lives
next door to me...

That's not funny...

She calls me to this day
and says,

"hello, dear.

This is your mother
Debbie."

Hey, it could be
my mother Vladimir.

You never ever know.

I had been singing
in my mother's nightclub act

since I was about 13,

you know, like most teenagers.

And I continued to perform
with her till I was 17.

Don't be nervous.
It's just all show business. That's all.

Would you sing my favorite
for me for Julie and Jerry?

Don't say no.
Just sing right out.

And the last place
that we played together

was the London palladium.

And I got pretty good reviews.

So this choreographer guy
Ron something...

Anyway, he calls me
and he asks me

if I want to do
my own nightclub act.

My mother... my mother thought

this was truly a lousy idea.

She thought instead

that I should go to
drama college in england

because it would bring
respectability to the family.

Like we were a bunch
of hookers, you know,

and drama college in england

is the only way to
eradicate a taint like that.

Anyway, so now it's 1973

and I'm 17

and I'm enrolled

in the central school of
speech and drama in London.

And, you know, like I said,

at first I just... I
really did not want to go.

But once I got there,
it was truly

some of the best times
of my life.

I mean, it was the only
unexamined part of my life

where I was just a student
among students,

going to voice
and movement class

and learning

weird little
tongue twisters like...

"all I want is a proper
cup of coffee

made in a proper copper coffee pot.
You can believe it or not,

but I want a cup of coffee
in a proper coffee pot.

Tin coffee pots and iron coffee
pots... they're no use to me.

If I can't have a proper cup of
coffee in a proper copper coffee pot,

- I'll have a cup of tea."
- ( Applause )

Now... oh, thank you so much.

If you enjoyed

my performance
as Princess Leia...

And who could resist

my stunning, layered, moving,

not-unlike-Mary-poppins
performance?

Then it is thanks to
tongue twisters like that.

Consider:

"You'll never get that bucket
of bolts past that blockade,

proper copper
coffee pot."

Or:

"Why, you stuck-up, half-witted,

scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Proper copper coffee pot,
I'd like a cup of tea."

It's dialogue from
the "star wars" film.

And don't forget,

I had that weird little
English accent

that came and went

like weather or bloat

all through the movie.

Governor tarkin,

I should've expected to find
you holding vader's leash.

I recognized your foul stench
when I was brought onboard.

( Laughter )

( Applause )

And all my friends
made fun of me

because they said that
the title of the film

sounded like a fight

between my original parents...

"star wars."

( Monitors bleeping )

( Applause )

Well, i... you know.

Well, but here's the thing...

As you age, it's about dignity.

You know what I mean?

This is what you have
to look forward to.

It's really unavoidable.

( Chuckles )

George Lucas ruined my life.

I mean that in the nicest
possible way.

And now people are
still asking me

if I knew "star wars"
was gonna be

that big of a hit.

Yes.

I knew.

We all knew.

The only one who didn't know

was George Lucas.

We kept it from him

'cause we wanted to see

what his face looked like

when it changed expression.

And the man fooled us even then.

He got I.L.M.

To change his facial
expressions for him

and t.H.X. Sound

to make the noise

of a face changing expressions.

Now not only was this man

virtually expressionless
in those days,

but he also...
He hardly talked at all.

When I got this job,

they told me that I had
to lose 10 lbs.

Well, I weighed about
105 at the time.

Well, no, but to be fair now,

I carried about
50 of those pounds

in my face.

So you know what a good
idea would be though?

Give me a hairstyle

that further widens

my already wide face.

But George Lucas...

You know, I mean, the ma...

He is a visionary, right?

I mean, he has transported

audiences the world over

and he's provided

Mark and Harrison and myself

with enough fan mail

and even a small,
merry band of stalkers,

keeping us entertained

for the rest of our
unnatural lives.

No, my favorite fan story

actually happened last year.

We were doing
the show in Santa fe.

And so I go into this
rock shop one day,

as one does,

and the guy
behind the counter goes,

"aren't you...?"
And i'm... "yeah."

He said, "I thought about you

every day

from when I was 12
to when I was 22."

And I said,
"every day?"

And he said,
"well, four times a day."

( Audience exclaiming,
laughing )

What am I supposed to say?
"Thank you."

But now don't forget,
George Lucas...

He was the man who made me
into a little doll...

A little doll
that my first husband

could stick pins into

when he was annoyed with me.

Then I was a shampoo

where you could
twist off my head

and pour liquid out of my neck.

And I was a soap...

A soap which read:

"Lather up with Leia

and you'll feel like
a Princess yourself,

boys."

And, oh, I'm a stamp.

Now that's really cool...

I mean, well,
aside from the licking.

But, oh wait, do you know the...

You know those Mr. Potato
head things, right?

Well, they actually... they made

a star wars
Mr. Potato head line,

so you might recognize me

as Princess tater

and my husband dick

and our daughter rehabila tater.

But the main thing...

The main main thing
that I've been made into,

which has just...
It's enhanced my life

just enormously...

I'm a pez dispenser.

No, I am.

I am.

Seriously.
No.

And if someone offers

to make you
into a pez dispenser,

do it!

Because it just...

It makes your whole life better.

I mean, really,
if you haven't been merchandised

for the last 30-plus years,

you haven't lived.

If only it were aerobic.

Now among George's
many possessions,

the man owns my likeness.

So every time I look in a mirror

I have to send him
a couple of bucks.

You know, they...

I saw this other
Leia figurine recently

at, you know, one of those

comic book conventions, right?

Which, yes, I go to
when I'm lonely.

Anyway, so this
particular figurine...

It's on a turnstile, right?

So when it gets
to a particular...

Oh, visual aids.

When it gets to a particular
place on a turnstile,

you can actually see up my dress

to my anatomically correct,

though shaved,

galaxy snatch.

I was a little taken aback
by this, you know?

So I called George and I said,

"you know, owning my likeness

does not include

owning my
lagoon of mystery."

Oh, and do you remember
that white dress I wore

all through the first film?

I mean, unless you didn't
see "star wars,"

in which case, why are you here?

So they put the dress
on me the first day.

They bring me to George.

Takes one look at me
and he says,

"you can't wear a bra
underneath that dress."

So I say, "why?"

He says, "because

there's no underwear
in space."

I swear to god,

I promise you that he said this.

And the man said it

with such conviction too,
you know,

like he'd actually
been to space,

looked arou...

Didn't see any bras
or panties or briefs.

But, you know, clearly now...

Clearly they have gone
as far as they can go

with this whole
doll thing, right?

I mean, what are they
gonna do now, you know,

come up with, like,
a life-size Leia, you know,

Stepford Leia
to render me obsolete?

You'd go to her show.

So, I mean,
at least they have not done that yet.

And thank god.

Thank god they have not come up

with a Leia sex doll, you know?

'Cause that would be
really humiliating.

I mean, thank god
they have not come up

with a life-size Leia sex doll

that they charge $800 for

that you could put
in your cornfield

to chase away crows.

Oh.

Oh look.
They have.

All right, now, you know,

obviously I did know about this.

And it actually...
You know, it has its uses.

Because if ever anyone

from the audience screams out,

"go fuck yourself, Carrie"...

I can give it a whirl.

Somebody has to save our skins.

Younger Carrie:
I was the prize Princess.

I swear, by the time I'm 30

I'll get those braids
off my head somehow.

Man:
T-minus five,

four, three,

two, one.

Photographers:
Carrie! Carrie!

Carrie:
I want it to stop.

Recently I googled myself

without a lubricant.

And...

Which I do not recommend, okay?

And I came across this posting

that somebody made about me.

And it said,

"whatever hap...?"

Well,

"w-t-f happened
to Carrie Fisher?

She used to be so hot.

Now she looks
like Elton John."

Well, you know,

this hurt all seven
of my feelings,

partly because I knew
what he meant.

But, you know, the thing is

I was hot

when most people
are hot, you know...

Like in their 20s and 30s.

I did not realize

that when I donned that
fricking metal bikini

back when I was 23,

that I had made
an invisible contract

to stay looking
the exact same way

for the next 30 to 40 years.

Well, obviously
I've betrayed the contract.

Over the past
couple years actually

I have been having

a series
of e.C.T. Treatments.

Does anyone know what that is?

'Cause they wouldn't tell me.

What is it?

What?

Man:
Electroshock therapy.

( Laughs )
Electroshock th...

Why would they give that to me?

That's just... well, all right.

Did you see "one flew
over the cuckoo's nest"?

Wasn't I fantastic?

No, it is not like that anymore.

It isn't, really.
I mean, now it's really fun.

And I totally recommend it.

You know, if there's,
like, an overcast day,

no new movies out,

do it!

Seriously, I mean, it takes away

every vestige of depression.

It gets you totally
off your back.

Here's... the other thing is

there's no convulsions anymore.

They give you this medication.

Probably they could
call it e.T.

But that would be
really silly, wouldn't it?

Because then if I said

I had e.T.
Earlier in the week,

you'd think I fucked
an extraterrestrial...

Especially me.

Uh, no, but...

The thing is though,
like I said,

it is... really, it is fantastic.

However, there is a tiny
tiny little downside.

Along with the depression,

it takes a teeny doggy bag

of about four months of memory.

Worth it!

What is gonna happen to me

in one four months at my age

that can't happen
in another four?

Now I tell you this because

if at any point during
the upcoming festivities

I draw a blank...

Which is a contradiction
in terms, by the way,

if you think about it...

Then, you know, forgive me

or don't forgive me.

But at least you'll
understand what's happening.

Which is more than
I can frequently say.

Okay, we've gotten
through all that.

All right, so now

every so often

you meet a magic person.

And that's really... that is
how I felt when I met Paul.

♪ I'm sitting
in the railway station ♪

♪ got a ticket
for my destination... ♪

we had the secret handshake

of shared sensibility.
You know what I mean?

I mean, we understood
each other perfectly.

You know, Paul and i...

We were actually
together over 12 years...

Well, off and on.

And so, you know,
we traveled a lot together,

and he did his Simon and
garfunkeling and stuff.

And Paul... he wrote an album

based on south American music.

And that album was called
"the rhythm of the saints."

And on it was the last song

that Paul ever wrote about me.

Now if you can get Paul

to write a song about you,

do it!

Because he is so so good at it.

But this song was called
"she moves on"...

Ironic title.

And so there's this lyric in it

that I wanted to share with you,

'cause I'm feeling kind of
a closeness now, you know?

And that lyric is...

"I'm afraid that I'll be taken,

abandoned and forsaken

in her cold

coffee eyes."

Yeah.

I'm a bitch.

No, but no, wait.

He wrote another song about me.

And this one was called
"allergies."

And the lyric in that was...

"my heart is allergic
to the woman I love,

and it's changing
the shape of my face."

Is that flattering?

No, I don't think it is either.

But my favorite album
of his though

is this album that's called

"hearts and bones."

And the title song...

( "hearts and bones" playing )

Well, it act...
It sounds a lot like this,

but this couldn't be it,

'cause we didn't get
permission to use it.

So that would be bad,
wouldn't it?

Oh, it would not be bad

because, you know,
I never took any alimony from Paul.

So think of it this way...

You're listening to my alimony.

And lovely alimony it is.

Oh, we got permission.
Anyway, the lyric is,

"one and one half
wandering Jews..."

- ♪ one and one-half wandering Jews... ♪
- I'm the half, from Eddie.

- ♪ Returned to their natural
coasts ♪ - west is my natural...

♪ To resume old acquaintances
and step out occasionally ♪

♪ and speculate who had been
damaged the most... ♪

who had been damaged the most.

Guess who won that contest!

Now I married Paul

when I was 26.

And we got divorced
when I was 28.

And at 29

I went into rehab.

Now obviously not
because I needed it

but because...

Well, I was doing
research for my novel

"postcards from the edge"

and I needed to meet
some real addicts

and alcoholics, you know,

for, like, the veracity
of the novel.

Okay, fine.

Yes, I am an addict.

You know how they say religion
is the opiate of the masses?

Well, I took masses
of opiates religiously.

Now I wanted to write a book.

And I knew what the first
line would be:

"Maybe I shouldn't have given

the guy who pumped my stomach

my phone number,

but he'll probably
never call me anyway."

And this actually was
based on a true thing.

Suzanne, we're gonna have
to pump your stomach!

( Moans )

'Cause, see, the doctor
that pumped my stomach

sent me flowers

with a note which read:

"I can tell that you're
a very warm

and sensitive person."

They're from the guy
who pumped my stomach.

I wrote "postcards from the
edge," the book, the novel,

when I was, like,
28 or 29 in Los Angeles.

Then I got back together
with Paul again.

So I wrote the screenplay
of "postcards" in New York.

Then they start filming
the movie in L.A.

With Meryl Streep
and Shirley MacLaine.

I want to be on that set, right?

So I start traveling
out to L.A.

From New York a lot.

And this was really bad

for my relationship with Paul.

I mean, things were
getting worse

faster than we could
lower our standards.

I...

Pretty soon we did know
that it was over.

Mike Nichols actually
used to say about us

that we were two flowers,
no gardener.

No one was minding
the relationship.

So one of the last times

I was flying back out
to L.A. again, right?

And so Paul and I had
been fighting all morning.

He drives me to the airport

to get rid of me faster.

And I'm about to get
on the plane, right?

So I turn to him and I say,

"you'll feel bad
if I crash."

And he said,
"maybe not."

( Laughs )

So...

Paul and I went
our respective ways.

And he went on to marry
someone younger than himself...

Edie brickell from the south.

So, not to be outdone,

I married someone
younger than myself...

Bryan lourd,
also from the south.

Now...

The difference
between our choices...

My choice forgot to tell me

that he was gay.

Well, he forgot to tell me

and I forgot to notice.

Really, though later on Bryan...

He did... he explained to me

that I had turned him gay

by taking codeine again.

And I said, "you know,

I never read that warning

on the label.

I thought it said
'heavy machinery, '

not 'homosexuality.'

I could have been driving

those tractors
all along."

Turning people gay though...

It is kind of
a superpower of mine.

Admittedly no, it is not
called upon a lot.

But when it is,

I pick up my pink phone,

I put on my
rainbow-colored cape,

and I'm there like a shot.

Now, you know,

I was probably rebounding
from Paul a little bit

when I met Bryan a week later.

But Bryan though...

Bryan, he was really
really handsome.

Well, he still is.
He is.

Look, that's what
he looks like now.

When I met him he had hair.

I do that too.

I make them bald,
I turn them gay...

My work is done.

But, you know,

when I first met Bryan,

he took really good care of me.

He took such good care
of me that I thought,

"you know,
this guy will make a good father."

And he did.

So, you know,

fearing now that everything
would be all right,

nine months later my daughter
was dragged from my body

as though it were
a burning building.

And once this well-fed,
round creature

was rescued from
the rubble of me,

I sent out birth announcements

which read:

"Someone summered in my stomach,

someone's fallen
through my legs.

To make an infant omelet,

simply scramble
sperm and eggs."

Thank you.

We named our adorable
little omelet Billie...

Billie Catherine.

So, you know,

a year later, when Bryan left me

for Scott,

who became the man that
got the man that got away,

all of my friends talked to me

like their hair was
heavier on one side.

You know what I mean?

How are you doing?

Are you okay?

But my mother though...

My mother was...

She was awesome to me
during this time.

She really was.
I mean, my mother...

Well, obviously she's
like a mother to me.

But... no, but she said
this fantastic thing.

She said, "you know, dear,

we've had all sorts of men
in our family.

We've had horse thieves

and one-man bands
and alcoholics.

But this is
our first homosexual."

Now, you know,

having really absolutely
nothing at all whatsoever

to do with Bryan,

about...

About a year after this

I was invited

to go to a mental hospital.

And...

Well, you don't want
to be rude, right?

So you go.

Well, wait a...
Wait a second now.

It's a really really
exclusive invitation.

I mean, how many of you

have been invited
to a mental hospital?

I'm asking you for real.

One human.

What's your name?

- Jimmy.
- Jimmy.

I told you though,
it's very exclusive...

Just Jimmy and myself.

Oh.

My mother wants you all to know

this comes from my father's side

of the family.

She is as normal

as the day is long.

Now my diagnosis...

I know this will stun you...

Was manic depression.

I think now they call it
bipolar, right?

So you might say
I swing both ways.

Oh, wait wait.

Now this is really
gonna impress you:

I am actually

in the abnormal
psychology textbook.

- Come on, how cool is that?
- ( Applause )

No, wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait.

Keep in mind,

I am a pez dispenser

and I'm in the abnormal
psychology textbook!

( Applause )

Who says you can't have it all?

Now, you know, obviously
my family's so proud,

but the thing is

I heard that I was
in this textbook

and I heard I was
in there with a picture.

And I thought,
"what picture?"

You know, it's not like anyone
ever phoned me and said,

"have you got a little
snapshot of yourself

looking depressed

or manic?"

You know, like from this show.

And, you know,
rather than describe it to you,

I so badly want
to show it to you.

( Laughter )

No, it's true.

It's real.

So I'm not crazy.

That bitch is.

Anyone that would wear

a stupid hairstyle like that

has to be nuts.

Now I have two moods

that I've named Roy and Pam.

Now Roy is rollicking Roy,

the wild ride of a mood.

And Pam...

Pam is sediment Pam

who stands on the shore
and sobs.

One mood is the meal,

the next mood... the check.

Ever since my
fateful announcement

on "Diane Sawyer"
that I was mentally ill...

I went into this other place.

And I was hallucinating.

Like anyone needed
to know that, right?

I could see cities of the...

Futuristic cities
out the window.

I mean, don't you hate it

when celebrities just...
Blah blah blah...

Talk about themselves,
you know...

It was as though
you could feel the back

of the cool of the mood
with your hand.

Tell you everything?

I mean, who asked, right?

I just... I find it all
so wearying.

Actually, that is
my point of view.

That's why what you're
watching right now

is me talk about myself
behind my back.

Now if Carrie...

If Carrie ever found out

that Carrie Fisher is doing

a solipsistic,
people-pleasing show like this,

she would be so humiliated.

So, please, if you run into her,

( whispers )
Don't say anything.

Anyway, having waited
my entire life

to get an award for something...

You know, anything.
I don't care.

Okay fine, not acting.

What about a teeny one
for writing?

I now get awards all the time

for being mentally ill.

No, really.

I am apparently
very very good at it

and I get honored
for it regularly.

My daughter... she tells me
when she grows up

she wants to either be
a singer or a comic.

I said, "well, baby,
if you want to be a comic,

you gotta be a writer.

But don't worry.

You have got tons of material.

Your mother is a
manic-depressive drug addict,

your father is gay,

your grandmother tap dances

and your grandfather
eats hearing aids."

And my daughter

laughs and laughs and laughs.

And I said, "baby,

the fact that you know
that's funny

is gonna save
your whole life."

Yeah.

Location location location.

Now I heard someone say recently

that many of us

only seem able to find heaven

by backing away from hell.

And, you know,

while the place I've
arrived at in my life

isn't precisely everyone's
idea of heavenly,

I could swear sometimes,

if I'm quiet enough...

I can hear the angels sing.

Either that or I fucked
up my medication.

But...

( siren wailing )

Shit, there's my ride.

Before I go though

I wanted to share with you
some of the wisdoms

that I have acquired, you know,

from going through
all this shit, okay?

First one...

Resentment is like
drinking a poison

and waiting for the other
person to die.

Now some of the wisdoms
that I have

I got from my grandmother...

My mother's mother,
the closet locker...

Who taught me

a fly is as likely

to land on shit

as it is on pie.

That's true.

( Laughs )

She also said,

"cry all you want.

You'll pee less."

( Piano playing )

♪ Your cares and troubles ♪

♪ are gone ♪

♪ there'll be no more ♪

♪ from now on ♪

♪ from now on ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above... ♪

( recording continues )
♪ are clear again ♪

♪ so let's sing a song ♪

♪ of cheer again ♪

♪ happy times ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here ♪

♪ again. ♪

♪ Happy times ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here ♪

♪ again. ♪

Okay.

There.

Bye. Thank you.
Thank you.

♪ The dreams I dreamed ♪

♪ have all gone astray. ♪