Carrie Fisher: Wishful Drinking (2010) - full transcript

( Piano playing )

Carrie Fisher:

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above

are clear again... ♪

man: Guys, we're at about 30 minutes

to 8:00, so how are we doing?

♪ So let's sing a song ♪

♪ of cheer again ♪

♪ happy days

are here again... ♪

man: I have Brian standing by for a

Mike check whenever you guys are ready.

- Man #2: Great, thank you.

- ♪ all together shout it now ♪

♪ there's no one

who can doubt it now ♪

♪ so let's tell the world

about it now... ♪

Carrie, when you have a

moment, could you just

count one to 10 for me, please,

and move around a little bit?

One, two, three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight, nine, 10.

♪ There'll be no more ♪

♪ from now on... ♪

- okay, here we go.

- ♪ From now on... ♪

all right.

♪ Happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above ♪

♪ are clear again... ♪

woman: There's a big,

full house out there.

They're settling them in.

They're very excited.

♪ Happy times,

happy nights... ♪

sorry.

♪ Happy days

are here... ♪

hi.

I'm Carrie Fisher,

and I'm an alcoholic.

♪ Again. ♪

I didn't really get your

area that well, did I?

Aww.

Thank you.

Here.

( Laughter )

Okay, that's enough of that.

You're very welcome.

Anytime.

( Sighs )

Okay, now...

I have to start by telling you

that my entire life

could be summed up

in one phrase,

and that is:

If my life wasn't funny

it would just be true,

and that is completely

unacceptable.

Now what that means is,

other than what it sounds like,

let's say something

happens, right?

And from a certain slant

maybe it's tragic,

even a little bit shocking.

And then time passes

and you go to the funny slant.

And now that very same thing

can no longer do you any harm.

So what we're really

talking about then

is location location location.

Now an example of

the tragic and shocking

might be:

About five years ago,

four months and nine days,

a friend of mine

died at my house.

But not content

to simply die at my house,

this guy also died in my bed.

Yeah.

So he didn't just

die in his sleep,

he died in mine.

If you entertain like I do,

really try to alert your guests

not to do this, okay?

For two reasons really:

A... it's kind of bad manners

if you think about it, you know?

And two...

It tends to throw the host,

or hostess,

off their game

a little bit, you know,

like, for a year

or five.

Greg was one of my best friends.

He was not my boyfriend

or anything, you know.

I mean, he didn't die

in the saddle,

which would've made me

the saddle.

Now if you have, seriously,

any questions at all

about what it's like

to wake up next to a corpse

who was very recently

a beloved friend,

you could just shout out

whatever question you had

and I would do my very best

to field it.

So you've all woken up

with dead bodies?

Man:

What were you wearing?

What was I wearing?

You mean, if it was,

like, a wrong outfit

that might have killed him?

Now actually one of my

favorite questions

that I've been asked is

was I naked.

I haven't been naked

in 15 years.

And I haven't been

sleeveless in 20.

Some of you ladies know

what I'm talking about.

I should tell you at this point

just to get you going here,

Greg was a republican,

which I do believe

contributed in part

to his death.

( Applause )

Well, but no, he did...

He had a very very serious case.

He was a lobbyist,

which is obviously fatal

in some instances.

Woman:

What was he wearing?

What was he wearing?

What the fuck does it matter?

He was dead.

The dead, contrary to rumor,

don't give a shit about

what they're wearing.

Woman #2: Who was the

first person you called?

Who would you call

in that situation?

- Woman #2: I'm not sure.

- Woman #3: Your mother.

Well yes, that's true.

Well, now if you knew

my mother, maybe not.

911, okay?

And the police did come,

as they often do

when there are dead bodies

strewn about.

So I'm actually... I'm standing

in the living room

with this policeman.

He turns to me and he says,

"I really like

your house."

My friend Dave said to me

at the time,

"you know, honey,

I know this is all

just a gigantic

pain in the ass."

And I said,

"if I could isolate the pain

just to my ass,

it would be

fantastic."

And he said, "well,

that's the meditation

then."

Anyway, enough

about death, okay?

I just... I wanted to get

that bummer story out of the way

at the top of the show.

Now I was born

in Burbank, California,

to simple folk,

people of the land.

No, actually.

My father was a famous singer.

♪ Tweedle Dee, tweedle Dee ♪

♪ tweedle Dee Dee ♪

♪ I'm as happy

as can be... ♪

and my mom... you want to

hear something really cool?

My mother's a movie star.

- ( Fans cheering )

- Woman: Debbie, we love you!

She is literally,

like, an icon...

A gay icon,

but you take your iconic stature

where you can get it.

My father...

He had a lot of hit songs.

But I think the one

he's best remembered for

is the song

"oh! My papa"...

♪ Oh! My papa... ♪

which I like to call

"oh my faux pas."

And my mother, she had...

She did tons of films, you know,

but probably the one

she's best remembered for

is the classic film

"singing in the rain."

She was also nominated for

an Oscar for best actress

for her work in

"the unsinkable Molly brown."

But she lost to Julie Andrews

for her stunning, layered

and moving portrait

of Mary poppins.

I think it was

ibsen's "Mary poppins."

And my mother...

She also made another film

called "Tammy,"

which was a hit song as well,

which really pissed off my dad

'cause that was

his area, you know?

♪ Tammy, Tammy ♪

♪ can't let him go... ♪

she was... actually

she was pregnant with me

when she filmed

"Tammy."

She was also pregnant with me

in yet another film.

And this one was called

"a bundle of joy,"

costarring that

marvelous method actor

Eddie Fisher.

( Swing music playing )

Pregnant, okay?

Oh, now you're gonna see

lamaze in the '50s coming up.

There it is.

Oh yeah.

I think that explains

a lot, don't you?

( Applause )

Yeah.

When I was born

my mom was given anesthesia.

They didn't have epidurals

in those days, right?

So my mother was unconscious.

Now my mother

is a beautiful woman.

I mean, seriously,

she's beautiful today at 78.

At 24

she looked like

a Christmas morning.

So all the doctors... they're

buzzing around her head going,

"oh look, there's

Debbie Reynolds asleep.

How pretty."

Then my father, upon seeing me,

you know,

start to come through...

Crown, with all the placenta

and the... ugh...

My father faints dead away.

So now all the nurses go,

"oh look, there's

Eddie Fisher the crooner

on the ground.

Let's go look at him."

So when I arrived

I was virtually unattended.

And I've been trying

to make up for that fact

ever since.

Even this show tonight

is a pathetic bid

for the attention

that I lacked as a newborn.

- ( Applause )

- Oh, thank you.

That helps so much.

Yeah.

My dad... he was best friends

with this very very

charismatic producer

whose name was Mike Todd.

He produced a film called

"around the world in 80 days,"

which won an Oscar

for best picture.

So my father, my mother,

Mike Todd and his fiancee,

who happened to be

Elizabeth Taylor...

Well, you know,

they went everywhere together, right?

I mean, they went to nightclubs.

They went on cruises.

They literally traveled

the world.

So when Mike and Elizabeth

got married,

my father was

Mike Todd's best man

and my mother was

Elizabeth's matron of honor.

Yeah.

She even washed her hair

on her wedding day.

Now later I did hear her mumble

that she wished

she'd washed it with nair.

But she's not a bitter

woman really, you know.

Anyway, I was about

one and a half or two

when my brother was born.

And my father... he so adored

this man Mike Todd

that my brother Todd

was named for him.

But, you know,

in the Jewish faith

it is considered back luck

to name a newborn

after someone

who's still living...

A silly superstition...

Or so they thought.

'Cause about a year later

Mike Todd took off

in a private plane

in a rainstorm.

Newscaster: Miss Taylor

was in a state of collapse

following the death of her

husband in a plane crash.

And the following morning

Elizabeth was a widow.

Well, you know,

naturally my father flew

to Elizabeth's side,

gradually making his way

slowly to her front.

( Laughter )

He dried her eyes

with his handkerchief.

He consoled her with flowers.

And ultimately he consoled her

with his penis.

This made marriage

to my mother awkward.

And so he was gone

within the week.

Newscaster: Debbie

Reynolds went into court

and in five minutes had

a divorce from Eddie Fisher.

Showing no emotion,

the 26-year-old testified

her husband had become

interested in another woman.

It wasn't long afterward

that the singer was married

to the widow of his

good friend Mike Todd.

Recently my daughter Billie...

She's actually

about to turn 18...

She had a flirtation

with Mike Todd

and Elizabeth's grandson.

And when they first met,

you know,

they were trying to work out

how it all fit together, right,

and if they were

related in any way.

So I thought about it.

Now when I think,

I need an enormous blackboard.

Also it is helpful

if I can have a stick.

That way I could point

to the various people

on the blackboard and...

When you pray.

This is garret...

My spiritual advisor

and gynecologist.

Thank you.

Well, you never know.

So welcome, class,

to Hollywood 101.

All right, so over here

we have Debbie and Eddie.

Now in the '50s they were known

as America's sweethearts.

For those of you

that are younger,

try to think of it this way:

Think of Eddie as Brad Pitt,

Debbie as Jennifer Aniston

and Elizabeth as Angelina Jolie.

Does that help?

That should help, right?

All right, so...

Eddie consoles Elizabeth

with his penis.

Elizabeth takes

a movie in Rome...

A big-budget film

"Cleopatra."

She meets her costar

Richard Burton.

Well, goodbye Eddie,

hello Richard.

The two of them...

They hit it off

like gangbusters, you know?

And they met and they married

and they had a wild,

tempestuous relationship

of Violet eyes and Welsh accents

and drinking and dancing

and lust and joy and fun.

But it was a tempestuous

relationship.

So after a while

the storm clouds came,

and what happened?

No cheating.

What?

Storm clouds are a negative.

Woman:

Divorce.

- Divorce, okay. What's your name?

- Nicole.

- What?

- Nicole.

Nicole.

Okay, Nicole,

what we do with our

better students

here at Hollywood 101...

We provide them with a medal.

Think of it as a metaphor

- for getting a medal.

- Okay.

- Look, it's kind of like being in "the

wizard of oz." - Should I come and get it?

♪ You're out of the woods, you're out

of the dark, you're out of the... ♪

- now look, you have to undo

it because... - oh, thank you.

There we go.

Now, Nicole, you still...

- The medal fell off.

- Oh Jesus.

Well, let me just put it

in your cleavage then.

( Audience laughter )

- Which is ample.

- That's good.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

Now, Nicole,

you're gonna have to

still earn this, okay?

- Okay, I got it.

- All right, you can sit back down.

- All right, so...

- ( Applause )

As Nicole said,

they did get a divorce.

But they had

good memories of each other,

so, Nicole, what'd they do then?

- They got married again.

- They remarried. Exactly.

All right, now keep that in mind

'cause it might come up again.

Let's go to Debbie, okay?

Debbie does not want

another man who'll just run off.

So she marries

someone very very old,

who can't run.

Now he just sits in a chair,

he smokes and he drinks.

And after about 13 years

he loses all his money

and then he takes all hers...

Fun.

And they got divorced.

And she was alone for a while.

But then fate intervened

and brought her this sociopath.

Yeah, that's Richard hamlett.

He had money issues too...

Her money.

But now before we get

too far past

this first stepfather

right here,

this man is named Harry Karl.

Harry was a shoe tycoon.

Doesn't sound like those words

should fit together, does it?

In this case they do.

All right,

so prior to being married to my mom,

Harry was married

to this woman right here.

This is Marie McDonald...

Marie "the body" McDonald,

as she was known.

Marie was an actress... ish.

And so they met

and they married,

and they had a wild,

tempestuous relationship.

They had a child.

And that went so well,

they adopted two more.

Now Marie McDonald

was a very optimistic,

romantic woman.

And I say this

because she married

a grand total of nine times.

Yeah.

Now that is a record

for the board.

And that is saying something,

because this is

a marrying board.

If you marry that many times,

you're bound to get

a headache, no?

Twice gave me a whopper.

Anyway, I think it did,

you know,

give poor Marie a headache

because she wound up

addicted to painkillers.

Now you want to hear

something really wild?

I just found this out.

If you get addicted

to painkillers,

it can turn out to go

very wrong for you.

Who knew that?

It did go wrong for Marie,

because she ended up

overdosing and passing on.

And that last husband of hers

shot himself.

Well, they loved each other

to death.

So now there are

these three children left.

What should we do with them?

Oh, I know.

Let's send them

to Harry and Debbie.

They are told

that one of these three children

should be institutionalized.

But my mother is a good person,

much like Sarah Palin,

only smarter.

And she said, "absolutely not.

We will put her

in Carrie's room!"

It's funny now.

Now let's go to Eddie, shall we?

How do you follow an act

like Elizabeth Taylor, right?

So he... he thinks of

something though.

He does pull something together.

He meets this woman right here.

Now this is a blonde, cute,

perky little actress.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

No, it's not Debbie again.

It's a tribute to Debbie.

It's Connie Stevens!

So they met and they had

joely Fisher and tricia Fisher.

Oh wait.

Hang on a second.

Did they forget to get married?

They did.

They forgot.

Well, but now they remember

and they marry.

But as all of you know,

legal sex is just shite.

They have the dreadful

legal sex.

The storm clouds come.

Nicole, what happened?

- They get divorced.

- They got a divorce.

But don't worry.

My father's not alone for long.

Because now he meets and marries

this girl...

Miss Louisiana!

Yes, she's three years

older than I am

and she calls me

"dear."

She's in her early 20s.

He's in his late 50s.

She had so many years

to devote to him.

But weirdly,

after a very short time,

Nicole, what happened?

They divorced.

They divorced.

I was stunned.

But don't worry.

My father is not alone for long.

Because now he meets and marries

this woman right here.

This is Betty lin.

Betty's from Shanghai.

And she takes great care

of my dad,

which, you know, he needs.

Also, Betty is rich,

which is handy, 'cause my father

has gone bankrupt

four times by now.

Anyway, they're together

15 glorious years.

But then, Nicole, what happened?

- They got a divorce?

- No.

- No?

- This is a trick question.

She did... she passed away.

I know.

It was really sad.

But don't worry.

My dad is not alone for long.

Because now my father dates

all of Chinatown!

Well, now hang on a second now.

My father has had

so many facelifts

that he looks Asian himself.

It makes it more right.

You know what I'm talking about.

So let's recap, shall we?

Okay, Eddie and Debbie

have the good sex.

They celebrate.

They have Todd and myself.

I grow up... ( Chuckles )

A matter of opinion.

And I meet and marry

this man right here.

This is Paul Simon.

Paul Simon is a short

Jewish singer.

( Laughter )

A short Jewish singer.

Any questions?

My mother makes a blueprint

and I follow it to the letter.

All right, so Paul and i...

Great marriage,

words words, so many words,

big words, clever words.

Uh-oh, the words get mean, Nicole.

What happened?

- You divorced.

- We divorced.

But don't worry.

I am not alone for long,

because now I meet

this goy... guy.

This guy.

This is Bryan lourd.

Bryan's a talent agent...

Less words, good sex.

We celebrate.

We have Billie lourd, okay?

Elizabeth Taylor and Mike Todd...

They have Liza Todd.

And when Mike passes away,

my father adopts her.

Also, Liza is

a wonderful sculptress.

And she meets and marries

her art professor...

Professor hap tivey.

Hap is short for happy,

so he's not Jewish.

Anyway, they meet

and they celebrate.

They have Quinn tivey

and Rhys tivey.

So Quinn tivey

and Billie lourd...

Are they related?

Man: No.

Are they?

Audience:

No.

Yes, they are.

I told them,

"you are related

by scandal."

I just... I hope

the two of them marry

so all this

will have been worthwhile.

And that is

Hollywood inbreeding,

ladies and gentlemen.

( Grunts )

Hollywood inbreeding...

It's a little bit like royal

inbreeding, you know.

And celebrity...

It's kind of like

America's royalty, right?

I actually...

I like to think of celebrity

as just obscurity

biding its time.

So...

( Laughter )

So my brother and I

grew up watching our parents'

once white hot,

bright star of celebrity

slowly dim, cool and fade.

We watched this

from a house that I call

the embassy.

'Cause really it looked

much more like a place

where you'd get your passport

stamped, you know,

well, than a house.

I mean, where would you put a

Christmas wreath on a thing like this?

It looks like an air

conditioner, doesn't it?

So obviously

it is a modern house,

a warm house.

And it had things

that most normal houses

don't have.

For example, we had

eight little pink refrigerators

in case snow white and the

seven dwarves showed up.

And we had a lanai.

Oh, we had three pools,

in case two broke.

My stepfather Harry Karl...

I don't know if you

noticed or not...

He wasn't really a handsome man.

But because he was wealthy

and well-groomed,

he was said to be

distinguished-looking.

That's ugly with money.

( Chuckles )

Actually they made a movie

about Harry Karl

and Marie McDonald

and the multiple marriages,

and it was called

"the marrying man."

And Alec Baldwin

played Harry Karl.

And I think the resemblance

is astonishing.

I really do.

Oh, and the barber

that came every day

to keep him

distinguished-looking,

we found out later

that that barber

was actually a pimp

with a talent for hair.

And for those of you with pimps,

Nicole, you know, they usually...

They can't do hair for shit.

So, you know, this made

marriage to my mother awkward,

so what she did though was...

She's crafty...

She got... she took this

musical in New York

to get out of the marriage,

which in Hollywood is actually

a legal way to dissolve a union

without involving lawyers.

And she took me

out of high school

and put me in the chorus

of this musical.

And I don't care

what you've heard,

chorus work is far more valuable

than an education would ever be,

clearly.

I grew up...

I grew up knowing

that I had the prettiest mother

of anyone in my class.

But, you know, my mom...

She's also... she's a

little bit eccentric.

I mean, she does... she

has a lot of unique ideas.

For example, she thought

that I should have a child

with her last husband Richard

because it would have nice eyes.

I should probably

explain this to you

before you think it's weird.

Uh, see, the thing is,

my mother... she'd gone

through the change, you know?

So she didn't... she couldn't

have children anymore.

And Richard didn't have any

children of his own yet.

And he had nice eyes.

And my womb was free.

And we're related.

My mother wants me

to explain to you

that she thought that you

could inseminate someone

by giving them

an injection in your arm,

putting the semen right here.

If she ever thought

that it involved

something southerly,

she never would've

suggested it, okay?

Now my mother did not just

bring this up once or twice

like a normal mother would,

like you would.

No, she brought it up

many many times

and mostly while I was driving.

And when I finally

suggested to her

that, you know, might be

an odd idea,

she said, "oh darling,

have you read

'the enquirer' lately?

We live in a very

strange world."

Well, when "the enquirer"

becomes your standard

for living,

you're in a lot of trouble.

When I told my grandmother

about my mom's idea,

she said,

"well, that's not

right."

The voice of reason, right?

My grandma Maxine...

She was from El Paso, Texas.

My mother's whole clan

was from Texas

and all around there.

And my father's people

were from south Philly,

in that area.

So basically we're white trash.

Well, because of

the celebrity factor though,

I like to think of us as

blue-blooded white trash, you know.

Anyway, I bring up

my grandmother

because when my mother

was about seven,

my grandmother locked her

in the closet.

So after my mom

had been in the closet

about an hour,

she asked my grandmother

for a glass of water.

And my grandmother

naturally said, "why?"

And my mother said,

"because I've spit

all over your dresses

and now I've run out of spit

and I want to spit

all over your shoes."

These are the people

I hail from, okay?

My mother and i...

Ultimately we didn't go forward

with the plan for me

to have Richard's baby.

Yeah, and I know it's

probably best we didn't.

Well, I mean,

aside from the obvious...

My sister, my daughter,

my sister, my daughter...

Ow...

My mother ended up

hating Richard.

And she had a really

really good reason.

This man...

He broke her pension plan.

Ow.

That's hard to do.

And he took

all the money she'd made

since Harry took

the first batch.

So she says to me at this point,

"you know, dear,

Eddie's starting to look

like the good husband."

"Eddie the good husband"

by Anton Chekhov.

What can you really say

about my father?

I'm asking you.

All right, well,

I don't know what you can say,

but here's what I can say.

My father...

He is unbelievably charming.

I mean, seriously,

you would love him.

He's adorable.

I mean, there is a reason

that he was able to score

all that unbelievable pussy...

Well, you know, I mean,

and get all those fantastic

women to marry him.

Eddie Fisher:

♪ if I loved you ♪

♪ time and again... ♪

my father is 81

and he smokes five joints a day,

for medicinal

purposes, of course.

So we call him puff daddy.

Um...

( Applause )

No, the great thing

about that is...

We did this show near to

where my dad lives.

So he came to the opening night

and he brought his dealer.

Which was fantastic, you know,

'cause you really want

the dealer's point of view

on any work you do.

Right?

You know what I'm talking about.

Actually a few months back

I sent my father a couple a

strippers, as one does.

And he was

unbelievably grateful.

He called me and he said,

"baby, I will do

anything you say.

I mean, you say, 'run, '

and I say,

'how high?'"

now...

Anyway, a few years back

Billie and I went

to San Francisco

to visit my... where he lives,

'cause there is a really

big Chinatown there.

There is.

And the day before, my father...

He'd gotten these

little hearing aids.

You know those teeny tiny ones?

They fit right in your ears, right?

They're super expensive.

Well, my dad...

He'd gotten them

the day before, right?

So the night before he

didn't want to lose them

or forget where they were,

so he put them in his pillbox

next to his bed

so that he would reme...

( laughter )

Yes, in the morning he ate them.

So whenever he couldn't

hear Billie or myself,

we'd yell into his stomach

or his ass.

I wish I was kidding.

Subsequently he got

the hearing aids again

and I did have the

opportunity to see them.

They are size of a Lima bean...

A rubber Lima bean

with an antenna.

Now look, I adore pills.

I mean, seriously, huge fan.

But these were truly

like none I had ever seen.

I don't know what you're

like in the morning.

Well, I know

what you're like, but...

I am not that sharp,

but I think I would know

if I were eating

a rubber Lima bean

with an antenna

twice.

Well, if you have

a life like mine...

And I know some of you do,

'cause I recognize you

from my group,

yes...

Then these things...

They gradually accumulate

until you become known

as a survivor.

It's a term I really don't...

I don't like it,

you know, really.

But the thing is,

when you are a survivor...

Which, okay, whatever.

I, you know,

reluctantly agree that I am,

and who here over 40 isn't?

But when you are a survivor,

in order to be

a really good one,

you have to keep

getting in trouble

to show off your gift.

Now my mother says,

"well, dear,

what are the choices?

Not surviving?"

My mother,

who incidentally lives

next door to me...

That's not funny...

She calls me to this day

and says,

"hello, dear.

This is your mother

Debbie."

Hey, it could be

my mother Vladimir.

You never ever know.

I had been singing

in my mother's nightclub act

since I was about 13,

you know, like most teenagers.

And I continued to perform

with her till I was 17.

Don't be nervous.

It's just all show business. That's all.

Would you sing my favorite

for me for Julie and Jerry?

Don't say no.

Just sing right out.

And the last place

that we played together

was the London palladium.

And I got pretty good reviews.

So this choreographer guy

Ron something...

Anyway, he calls me

and he asks me

if I want to do

my own nightclub act.

My mother... my mother thought

this was truly a lousy idea.

She thought instead

that I should go to

drama college in england

because it would bring

respectability to the family.

Like we were a bunch

of hookers, you know,

and drama college in england

is the only way to

eradicate a taint like that.

Anyway, so now it's 1973

and I'm 17

and I'm enrolled

in the central school of

speech and drama in London.

And, you know, like I said,

at first I just... I

really did not want to go.

But once I got there,

it was truly

some of the best times

of my life.

I mean, it was the only

unexamined part of my life

where I was just a student

among students,

going to voice

and movement class

and learning

weird little

tongue twisters like...

"all I want is a proper

cup of coffee

made in a proper copper coffee pot.

You can believe it or not,

but I want a cup of coffee

in a proper coffee pot.

Tin coffee pots and iron coffee

pots... they're no use to me.

If I can't have a proper cup of

coffee in a proper copper coffee pot,

- I'll have a cup of tea."

- ( Applause )

Now... oh, thank you so much.

If you enjoyed

my performance

as Princess Leia...

And who could resist

my stunning, layered, moving,

not-unlike-Mary-poppins

performance?

Then it is thanks to

tongue twisters like that.

Consider:

"You'll never get that bucket

of bolts past that blockade,

proper copper

coffee pot."

Or:

"Why, you stuck-up, half-witted,

scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Proper copper coffee pot,

I'd like a cup of tea."

It's dialogue from

the "star wars" film.

And don't forget,

I had that weird little

English accent

that came and went

like weather or bloat

all through the movie.

Governor tarkin,

I should've expected to find

you holding vader's leash.

I recognized your foul stench

when I was brought onboard.

( Laughter )

( Applause )

And all my friends

made fun of me

because they said that

the title of the film

sounded like a fight

between my original parents...

"star wars."

( Monitors bleeping )

( Applause )

Well, i... you know.

Well, but here's the thing...

As you age, it's about dignity.

You know what I mean?

This is what you have

to look forward to.

It's really unavoidable.

( Chuckles )

George Lucas ruined my life.

I mean that in the nicest

possible way.

And now people are

still asking me

if I knew "star wars"

was gonna be

that big of a hit.

Yes.

I knew.

We all knew.

The only one who didn't know

was George Lucas.

We kept it from him

'cause we wanted to see

what his face looked like

when it changed expression.

And the man fooled us even then.

He got I.L.M.

To change his facial

expressions for him

and t.H.X. Sound

to make the noise

of a face changing expressions.

Now not only was this man

virtually expressionless

in those days,

but he also...

He hardly talked at all.

When I got this job,

they told me that I had

to lose 10 lbs.

Well, I weighed about

105 at the time.

Well, no, but to be fair now,

I carried about

50 of those pounds

in my face.

So you know what a good

idea would be though?

Give me a hairstyle

that further widens

my already wide face.

But George Lucas...

You know, I mean, the ma...

He is a visionary, right?

I mean, he has transported

audiences the world over

and he's provided

Mark and Harrison and myself

with enough fan mail

and even a small,

merry band of stalkers,

keeping us entertained

for the rest of our

unnatural lives.

No, my favorite fan story

actually happened last year.

We were doing

the show in Santa fe.

And so I go into this

rock shop one day,

as one does,

and the guy

behind the counter goes,

"aren't you...?"

And i'm... "yeah."

He said, "I thought about you

every day

from when I was 12

to when I was 22."

And I said,

"every day?"

And he said,

"well, four times a day."

( Audience exclaiming,

laughing )

What am I supposed to say?

"Thank you."

But now don't forget,

George Lucas...

He was the man who made me

into a little doll...

A little doll

that my first husband

could stick pins into

when he was annoyed with me.

Then I was a shampoo

where you could

twist off my head

and pour liquid out of my neck.

And I was a soap...

A soap which read:

"Lather up with Leia

and you'll feel like

a Princess yourself,

boys."

And, oh, I'm a stamp.

Now that's really cool...

I mean, well,

aside from the licking.

But, oh wait, do you know the...

You know those Mr. Potato

head things, right?

Well, they actually... they made

a star wars

Mr. Potato head line,

so you might recognize me

as Princess tater

and my husband dick

and our daughter rehabila tater.

But the main thing...

The main main thing

that I've been made into,

which has just...

It's enhanced my life

just enormously...

I'm a pez dispenser.

No, I am.

I am.

Seriously.

No.

And if someone offers

to make you

into a pez dispenser,

do it!

Because it just...

It makes your whole life better.

I mean, really,

if you haven't been merchandised

for the last 30-plus years,

you haven't lived.

If only it were aerobic.

Now among George's

many possessions,

the man owns my likeness.

So every time I look in a mirror

I have to send him

a couple of bucks.

You know, they...

I saw this other

Leia figurine recently

at, you know, one of those

comic book conventions, right?

Which, yes, I go to

when I'm lonely.

Anyway, so this

particular figurine...

It's on a turnstile, right?

So when it gets

to a particular...

Oh, visual aids.

When it gets to a particular

place on a turnstile,

you can actually see up my dress

to my anatomically correct,

though shaved,

galaxy snatch.

I was a little taken aback

by this, you know?

So I called George and I said,

"you know, owning my likeness

does not include

owning my

lagoon of mystery."

Oh, and do you remember

that white dress I wore

all through the first film?

I mean, unless you didn't

see "star wars,"

in which case, why are you here?

So they put the dress

on me the first day.

They bring me to George.

Takes one look at me

and he says,

"you can't wear a bra

underneath that dress."

So I say, "why?"

He says, "because

there's no underwear

in space."

I swear to god,

I promise you that he said this.

And the man said it

with such conviction too,

you know,

like he'd actually

been to space,

looked arou...

Didn't see any bras

or panties or briefs.

But, you know, clearly now...

Clearly they have gone

as far as they can go

with this whole

doll thing, right?

I mean, what are they

gonna do now, you know,

come up with, like,

a life-size Leia, you know,

Stepford Leia

to render me obsolete?

You'd go to her show.

So, I mean,

at least they have not done that yet.

And thank god.

Thank god they have not come up

with a Leia sex doll, you know?

'Cause that would be

really humiliating.

I mean, thank god

they have not come up

with a life-size Leia sex doll

that they charge $800 for

that you could put

in your cornfield

to chase away crows.

Oh.

Oh look.

They have.

All right, now, you know,

obviously I did know about this.

And it actually...

You know, it has its uses.

Because if ever anyone

from the audience screams out,

"go fuck yourself, Carrie"...

I can give it a whirl.

Somebody has to save our skins.

Younger Carrie:

I was the prize Princess.

I swear, by the time I'm 30

I'll get those braids

off my head somehow.

Man:

T-minus five,

four, three,

two, one.

Photographers:

Carrie! Carrie!

Carrie:

I want it to stop.

Recently I googled myself

without a lubricant.

And...

Which I do not recommend, okay?

And I came across this posting

that somebody made about me.

And it said,

"whatever hap...?"

Well,

"w-t-f happened

to Carrie Fisher?

She used to be so hot.

Now she looks

like Elton John."

Well, you know,

this hurt all seven

of my feelings,

partly because I knew

what he meant.

But, you know, the thing is

I was hot

when most people

are hot, you know...

Like in their 20s and 30s.

I did not realize

that when I donned that

fricking metal bikini

back when I was 23,

that I had made

an invisible contract

to stay looking

the exact same way

for the next 30 to 40 years.

Well, obviously

I've betrayed the contract.

Over the past

couple years actually

I have been having

a series

of e.C.T. Treatments.

Does anyone know what that is?

'Cause they wouldn't tell me.

What is it?

What?

Man:

Electroshock therapy.

( Laughs )

Electroshock th...

Why would they give that to me?

That's just... well, all right.

Did you see "one flew

over the cuckoo's nest"?

Wasn't I fantastic?

No, it is not like that anymore.

It isn't, really.

I mean, now it's really fun.

And I totally recommend it.

You know, if there's,

like, an overcast day,

no new movies out,

do it!

Seriously, I mean, it takes away

every vestige of depression.

It gets you totally

off your back.

Here's... the other thing is

there's no convulsions anymore.

They give you this medication.

Probably they could

call it e.T.

But that would be

really silly, wouldn't it?

Because then if I said

I had e.T.

Earlier in the week,

you'd think I fucked

an extraterrestrial...

Especially me.

Uh, no, but...

The thing is though,

like I said,

it is... really, it is fantastic.

However, there is a tiny

tiny little downside.

Along with the depression,

it takes a teeny doggy bag

of about four months of memory.

Worth it!

What is gonna happen to me

in one four months at my age

that can't happen

in another four?

Now I tell you this because

if at any point during

the upcoming festivities

I draw a blank...

Which is a contradiction

in terms, by the way,

if you think about it...

Then, you know, forgive me

or don't forgive me.

But at least you'll

understand what's happening.

Which is more than

I can frequently say.

Okay, we've gotten

through all that.

All right, so now

every so often

you meet a magic person.

And that's really... that is

how I felt when I met Paul.

♪ I'm sitting

in the railway station ♪

♪ got a ticket

for my destination... ♪

we had the secret handshake

of shared sensibility.

You know what I mean?

I mean, we understood

each other perfectly.

You know, Paul and i...

We were actually

together over 12 years...

Well, off and on.

And so, you know,

we traveled a lot together,

and he did his Simon and

garfunkeling and stuff.

And Paul... he wrote an album

based on south American music.

And that album was called

"the rhythm of the saints."

And on it was the last song

that Paul ever wrote about me.

Now if you can get Paul

to write a song about you,

do it!

Because he is so so good at it.

But this song was called

"she moves on"...

Ironic title.

And so there's this lyric in it

that I wanted to share with you,

'cause I'm feeling kind of

a closeness now, you know?

And that lyric is...

"I'm afraid that I'll be taken,

abandoned and forsaken

in her cold

coffee eyes."

Yeah.

I'm a bitch.

No, but no, wait.

He wrote another song about me.

And this one was called

"allergies."

And the lyric in that was...

"my heart is allergic

to the woman I love,

and it's changing

the shape of my face."

Is that flattering?

No, I don't think it is either.

But my favorite album

of his though

is this album that's called

"hearts and bones."

And the title song...

( "hearts and bones" playing )

Well, it act...

It sounds a lot like this,

but this couldn't be it,

'cause we didn't get

permission to use it.

So that would be bad,

wouldn't it?

Oh, it would not be bad

because, you know,

I never took any alimony from Paul.

So think of it this way...

You're listening to my alimony.

And lovely alimony it is.

Oh, we got permission.

Anyway, the lyric is,

"one and one half

wandering Jews..."

- ♪ one and one-half wandering Jews... ♪

- I'm the half, from Eddie.

- ♪ Returned to their natural

coasts ♪ - west is my natural...

♪ To resume old acquaintances

and step out occasionally ♪

♪ and speculate who had been

damaged the most... ♪

who had been damaged the most.

Guess who won that contest!

Now I married Paul

when I was 26.

And we got divorced

when I was 28.

And at 29

I went into rehab.

Now obviously not

because I needed it

but because...

Well, I was doing

research for my novel

"postcards from the edge"

and I needed to meet

some real addicts

and alcoholics, you know,

for, like, the veracity

of the novel.

Okay, fine.

Yes, I am an addict.

You know how they say religion

is the opiate of the masses?

Well, I took masses

of opiates religiously.

Now I wanted to write a book.

And I knew what the first

line would be:

"Maybe I shouldn't have given

the guy who pumped my stomach

my phone number,

but he'll probably

never call me anyway."

And this actually was

based on a true thing.

Suzanne, we're gonna have

to pump your stomach!

( Moans )

'Cause, see, the doctor

that pumped my stomach

sent me flowers

with a note which read:

"I can tell that you're

a very warm

and sensitive person."

They're from the guy

who pumped my stomach.

I wrote "postcards from the

edge," the book, the novel,

when I was, like,

28 or 29 in Los Angeles.

Then I got back together

with Paul again.

So I wrote the screenplay

of "postcards" in New York.

Then they start filming

the movie in L.A.

With Meryl Streep

and Shirley MacLaine.

I want to be on that set, right?

So I start traveling

out to L.A.

From New York a lot.

And this was really bad

for my relationship with Paul.

I mean, things were

getting worse

faster than we could

lower our standards.

I...

Pretty soon we did know

that it was over.

Mike Nichols actually

used to say about us

that we were two flowers,

no gardener.

No one was minding

the relationship.

So one of the last times

I was flying back out

to L.A. again, right?

And so Paul and I had

been fighting all morning.

He drives me to the airport

to get rid of me faster.

And I'm about to get

on the plane, right?

So I turn to him and I say,

"you'll feel bad

if I crash."

And he said,

"maybe not."

( Laughs )

So...

Paul and I went

our respective ways.

And he went on to marry

someone younger than himself...

Edie brickell from the south.

So, not to be outdone,

I married someone

younger than myself...

Bryan lourd,

also from the south.

Now...

The difference

between our choices...

My choice forgot to tell me

that he was gay.

Well, he forgot to tell me

and I forgot to notice.

Really, though later on Bryan...

He did... he explained to me

that I had turned him gay

by taking codeine again.

And I said, "you know,

I never read that warning

on the label.

I thought it said

'heavy machinery, '

not 'homosexuality.'

I could have been driving

those tractors

all along."

Turning people gay though...

It is kind of

a superpower of mine.

Admittedly no, it is not

called upon a lot.

But when it is,

I pick up my pink phone,

I put on my

rainbow-colored cape,

and I'm there like a shot.

Now, you know,

I was probably rebounding

from Paul a little bit

when I met Bryan a week later.

But Bryan though...

Bryan, he was really

really handsome.

Well, he still is.

He is.

Look, that's what

he looks like now.

When I met him he had hair.

I do that too.

I make them bald,

I turn them gay...

My work is done.

But, you know,

when I first met Bryan,

he took really good care of me.

He took such good care

of me that I thought,

"you know,

this guy will make a good father."

And he did.

So, you know,

fearing now that everything

would be all right,

nine months later my daughter

was dragged from my body

as though it were

a burning building.

And once this well-fed,

round creature

was rescued from

the rubble of me,

I sent out birth announcements

which read:

"Someone summered in my stomach,

someone's fallen

through my legs.

To make an infant omelet,

simply scramble

sperm and eggs."

Thank you.

We named our adorable

little omelet Billie...

Billie Catherine.

So, you know,

a year later, when Bryan left me

for Scott,

who became the man that

got the man that got away,

all of my friends talked to me

like their hair was

heavier on one side.

You know what I mean?

How are you doing?

Are you okay?

But my mother though...

My mother was...

She was awesome to me

during this time.

She really was.

I mean, my mother...

Well, obviously she's

like a mother to me.

But... no, but she said

this fantastic thing.

She said, "you know, dear,

we've had all sorts of men

in our family.

We've had horse thieves

and one-man bands

and alcoholics.

But this is

our first homosexual."

Now, you know,

having really absolutely

nothing at all whatsoever

to do with Bryan,

about...

About a year after this

I was invited

to go to a mental hospital.

And...

Well, you don't want

to be rude, right?

So you go.

Well, wait a...

Wait a second now.

It's a really really

exclusive invitation.

I mean, how many of you

have been invited

to a mental hospital?

I'm asking you for real.

One human.

What's your name?

- Jimmy.

- Jimmy.

I told you though,

it's very exclusive...

Just Jimmy and myself.

Oh.

My mother wants you all to know

this comes from my father's side

of the family.

She is as normal

as the day is long.

Now my diagnosis...

I know this will stun you...

Was manic depression.

I think now they call it

bipolar, right?

So you might say

I swing both ways.

Oh, wait wait.

Now this is really

gonna impress you:

I am actually

in the abnormal

psychology textbook.

- Come on, how cool is that?

- ( Applause )

No, wait wait wait

wait wait wait wait.

Keep in mind,

I am a pez dispenser

and I'm in the abnormal

psychology textbook!

( Applause )

Who says you can't have it all?

Now, you know, obviously

my family's so proud,

but the thing is

I heard that I was

in this textbook

and I heard I was

in there with a picture.

And I thought,

"what picture?"

You know, it's not like anyone

ever phoned me and said,

"have you got a little

snapshot of yourself

looking depressed

or manic?"

You know, like from this show.

And, you know,

rather than describe it to you,

I so badly want

to show it to you.

( Laughter )

No, it's true.

It's real.

So I'm not crazy.

That bitch is.

Anyone that would wear

a stupid hairstyle like that

has to be nuts.

Now I have two moods

that I've named Roy and Pam.

Now Roy is rollicking Roy,

the wild ride of a mood.

And Pam...

Pam is sediment Pam

who stands on the shore

and sobs.

One mood is the meal,

the next mood... the check.

Ever since my

fateful announcement

on "Diane Sawyer"

that I was mentally ill...

I went into this other place.

And I was hallucinating.

Like anyone needed

to know that, right?

I could see cities of the...

Futuristic cities

out the window.

I mean, don't you hate it

when celebrities just...

Blah blah blah...

Talk about themselves,

you know...

It was as though

you could feel the back

of the cool of the mood

with your hand.

Tell you everything?

I mean, who asked, right?

I just... I find it all

so wearying.

Actually, that is

my point of view.

That's why what you're

watching right now

is me talk about myself

behind my back.

Now if Carrie...

If Carrie ever found out

that Carrie Fisher is doing

a solipsistic,

people-pleasing show like this,

she would be so humiliated.

So, please, if you run into her,

( whispers )

Don't say anything.

Anyway, having waited

my entire life

to get an award for something...

You know, anything.

I don't care.

Okay fine, not acting.

What about a teeny one

for writing?

I now get awards all the time

for being mentally ill.

No, really.

I am apparently

very very good at it

and I get honored

for it regularly.

My daughter... she tells me

when she grows up

she wants to either be

a singer or a comic.

I said, "well, baby,

if you want to be a comic,

you gotta be a writer.

But don't worry.

You have got tons of material.

Your mother is a

manic-depressive drug addict,

your father is gay,

your grandmother tap dances

and your grandfather

eats hearing aids."

And my daughter

laughs and laughs and laughs.

And I said, "baby,

the fact that you know

that's funny

is gonna save

your whole life."

Yeah.

Location location location.

Now I heard someone say recently

that many of us

only seem able to find heaven

by backing away from hell.

And, you know,

while the place I've

arrived at in my life

isn't precisely everyone's

idea of heavenly,

I could swear sometimes,

if I'm quiet enough...

I can hear the angels sing.

Either that or I fucked

up my medication.

But...

( siren wailing )

Shit, there's my ride.

Before I go though

I wanted to share with you

some of the wisdoms

that I have acquired, you know,

from going through

all this shit, okay?

First one...

Resentment is like

drinking a poison

and waiting for the other

person to die.

Now some of the wisdoms

that I have

I got from my grandmother...

My mother's mother,

the closet locker...

Who taught me

a fly is as likely

to land on shit

as it is on pie.

That's true.

( Laughs )

She also said,

"cry all you want.

You'll pee less."

( Piano playing )

♪ Your cares and troubles ♪

♪ are gone ♪

♪ there'll be no more ♪

♪ from now on ♪

♪ from now on ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here again ♪

♪ the skies above... ♪

( recording continues )

♪ are clear again ♪

♪ so let's sing a song ♪

♪ of cheer again ♪

♪ happy times ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here ♪

♪ again. ♪

♪ Happy times ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy days ♪

♪ are here ♪

♪ again. ♪

Okay.

There.

Bye. Thank you.

Thank you.

♪ The dreams I dreamed ♪

♪ have all gone astray. ♪