CarousHELL (2016) - full transcript

(ominous electronic music)

(upbeat carousel music)

- [Duke] I hate this place.

I get it, people come

here to be happy.

and it's my job to help

them be happy,

but I'm never happy here.

I have to have this

fake expression on

all the time here in this park,

even if I don't

wanna look happy.

None of my

co-workers talk to me.

Sure, once in awhile it's

nice to see the kids smile,

but usually they're just

annoying little shits

that don't give a damn

how they treat me.

Every single day, every

single minute,

I'm working so hard for them.

Just once I'd like to

make myself happy but no,

I have to keep letting little

brats climb on my back,

and then go in a circle forever.

I'm Duke, the prettiest

goddamn unicorn in the world.

(ominous electronic music)

- Laurie, Laurie, are

you even listening to me?

- No.

- You kids and your

phones these days.

Don't you ever put

that thing down?

- Mom, do you even know

how many followers I have?

If I don't update what I'm doing

like every like 15 minutes,

I won't be trending anymore.

- What would happen then?

- I'll be slightly less popular.

(upbeat rock music)

Uh, God, Lunchbox, could

you be anymore disgusting?

- Stop calling me that.

- You two be nice.

You're gonna have to

spend the day together.

- What?

You never said that.

- That's what Mom has

been talking about

for literally the

past 30 minutes.

- But, Mom, I have--

- No buts before I kick yours,

missy.

- Mom. (sighing)

- I have a staff

meeting at work,

and then I have to work late.

- But Mom, I have this

like tots sweet party

to go to tonight.

Can't you just call

a babysitter?

- I'm not a baby.

- Shut up, Lunchbox.

(pancake slapping against face)

- Tips have not been great

at work lately.

I've been having a few

stingy customers.

Look, all I'm asking

for you to do

is watch your brother

for one day.

That's all.

- [Laurie] Mom, what am I

supposed to do with him all day?

- Doesn't your boyfriend

work at the amusement park?

- Well, okay, that'll

work until like,

I don't know, like seven

but then what?

- [Mom] I don't know, Laurie.

(Laurie sighing)

Spend time with your brother

for once.

You know I let you do

whatever you want.

Just do this one thing for me.

- But, Mom.

- Laurie, please.

- Okay.

- Now I gotta go.

There's some dumb new rules

about lap dancers and

off-site safety.

- What kind of safety do you

need at bachelor parties?

- Blood born pathogens or

some dumb stuff like that.

(sighing) Pussy One's

gotten so corporate

since the buyout.

Love you, honey.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Larry.

- Jeez, Mom.

Stop wearing that

around the house.

(upbeat rock music)

- Okay, Lunchbox,

we're going out.

- But I'm not done eating.

- I don't care.

Look, I have to watch

your stupid ass today,

so we're going to the

Tarnation Corral.

- Awesome.

- Then I'm going to this

party tonight,

and you have to tag along.

- What?

No way, I hate your friends.

There all assholes.

- Look, I'm not missing

out on this party, okay?

And I'm taking you to the park.

- Fine, but you have to give me

a new piece for my

lunchbox collection.

- Okay, I'll get you

another stupid lunchbox.

- With matching Thermos.

It's not worth anything

on the resale market

without a Thermos.

- Yes, yes, and a damn Thermos,

too.

Now go get ready.

- Yeah.

(children laughing)

(sighing) Only this

gay one left.

Lame, unicorn's are sissies.

- Goddamn it, Lunchbox,

will you just ride the

stupid thing already?

That's why we're here.

How do I express how

much I hate my brother

in only a 140 characters?

(upbeat carousel music)

- [Duke] I hate my life.

(atmospheric western

guitar music)

- [Cowboy Cool] (mimicking

gun firing) Howdy, partner.

- Eat a dick.

- [Cowboy Cool] Oh, I can't

do, I can't do, oh-ho.

Oh, well.

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey, Laurie, babe.

- Hey, you know I love

you in this uniform?

- Hey, I only got 15 minutes,

so.

- That's plenty of time.

(whistle blowing)

- But seriously, babe.

I could get in a lot

of trouble for using--

- Just get in the car.

- Okay.

- [Duke] Why am I even alive?

None of these other

horses can talk.

Am I the only one?

Am I alone?

I can't handle this anymore.

I've been here for a year

dealing with this shit.

Today, I'm living for me.

(ominous electronic music)

All of you losers can stay here

and be abused by kids.

I'm movin' on.

(upbeat carousel music)

- Well, Duke,

shouldn't you be on that, ah,

carousel?

- [Duke] Not anymore,

Jock-O, I'm a free man now.

Well, free unicorn.

Didn't you see how I

was treated?

- Yeah, man.

But fuck, you're just a ride.

It doesn't matter.

(ominous electronic music)

- Just a ride?

- You're not real or

anything this time.

(laughing)

- [Duke] Just a ride?

- Yeah, man.

Let me take a ride on you now.

- [Duke] How about a

ride to hell?

(dramatic electronic music)

(upbeat carousel music)

That felt right.

This is what I'm supposed to do.

I'm going to kill that fat fuck.

- Guys, I'm right here.

- Shut up, Lunchbox.

My knees are--

- My name is Larry.

- Shut up, dude, I'm

trying to bang your sister.

- I hate you guys.

- Okay, babe, I gotta, I

gotta get back.

- Oh, you're coming to

the party tonight, right?

- Yeah, I got three hours left

on my shift and then I'm out.

- Okay.

See ya, lover.

(sighing) Totally gonna

cheep about that session.

- Are you ever not on Chirper?

- Shut up, Lunchbox.

- You shut up, you idiot.

(ominous electronic music)

- [Duke] There he is.

I'm going to get that brat.

- Ah, who the hell

put this here?

God, Chickenfeed, this is

Blue Sno-cone, come in.

Some people have a strange

sense of entertainment.

(machete thudding in head)

- [Duke] Now you can be in

charge of security in hell.

(atmospheric western

guitar music)

- [Cowboy Cool] Oh, no,

not Jock-O.

I'm afraid you twisted your

last balloon animal, old friend.

What in Tarnation?

Oh, Duke's missing.

He finally woke up.

Oh, oh, no.

I hoped this day

would never come.

Oh, I suppose it's

time to hunt down

a beautiful, Nazi, mustang.

Mm.

(dramatic western music)

When I was given this case,

I was told that the enchantment

on the weapon within it

would counteract what caged

Duke within that unicorn.

I hope that's not temporary.

I need to kill him.

Giddy up.

- Okay, we're going

to the party.

- Ah, this is gonna suck.

Can't I just go home?

- No, I can't leave

you home alone.

Mom's at work and you know

Dad's out of town on business.

- You've been saying he's

out of town for eight years.

- It's very important business.

He said he'd come back.

- You were right, Clark.

This is so romantic.

- I told you.

There's nobody here.

It's just you, me, and the

great outdoors.

- It's so beautiful.

- Almost as beautiful as you.

- (chuckling) Cheeseball.

- Diana, there's

somethin' I wanna ask you.

- Yes, Clark?

- Is that a carousel

horse over there?

(Diana chuckling)

- You got me a carousel horse?

That is the best surprise

you've ever given me.

Oh, my gosh, how didn't

I notice that?

We walked right by there.

Is Bruce is on this?

- Ah, yeah.

(Diana laughing)

You bet he was.

- Oh, my god.

- I know how much you

love carousels,

so I wanted to treat you.

- [Duke] Get your hand

off me, motherfucker.

(ominous electronic music)

- We need to go.

- Clark?

- [Duke] Where ya going,

lover boy?

(Chinese stars whirring)

(Clark gasping)

- Clark?

- [Duke] I'll give ya

a head start.

(Diana screaming)

(dramatic electronic music)

(Diana gasping)

(Diana gasping

Now you can have picnic in hell!

Oh, boy, alright, I really need

to come up with better

stuff to say.

I've used the same thing like

three times in an half hour.

Gotta work on that.

(upbeat electronic music)

(knocking on door)

- Laurie, where have you been?

And Lunchbox, how you

doing, you little colt?

- I don't wanna be here at all.

- What if I told you we

have cake in the kitchen?

- Out of my way, uni sister.

(Laurie sighing)

- So where's the booze?

- Hitting the trough

already, are we, lush?

- I had a long day

with my brother.

I need to get like

seriously drunk

before I talk to anyone.

- Okay, well, the

booze is that way.

I'm gonna finish up a

game over here.

- Oh.

- Hey, Laurie.

- Preston.

- What's up?

Hold on, hold on.

Where ya going?

- What are you doing?

- Oh, you know, just

being a good host.

Hand out these necklaces

in exchange for,

wait for it, some titties!

(laughing)

- Kind of you.

- Yeah, so do you want

some of them?

- Who the hell would do that?

- Pop that up?

- Whoa, oh, hey, Sugar Tits.

Do you wanna fun necklace?

- Oh, fuck yeah.

- Show me them titties,

yeah, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

(woman screaming)

I love you.

I love you, don't tell Sarah.

Oh, (grunting), ooh, fuck.

Ah, mm, anyway.

Laurie, so what do you think?

You don't wanna be left out,

right?

Only one walking around

without a necklace.

- Preston, I have to

be like way more drunk

before you get to

see my breasts.

- Okay, so you're telling

me there's a chance, right?

Wait, wait, wait, so like

45 minutes then?

45 minutes then?

I'll remember.

Set a reminder for 45

minutes, see Laurie's titties.

- Hey, Margot, hey Pierre.

How's my favorite foreign

brother and sister doing?

- What the is this shit?

- Are you trying to

feed us pig slop?

- That's dip.

Guys, I worked my

hooves off for this.

We have French onion dip,

French toast,

French fries, and I have

a French bread pizza

coming on the way.

- You fucking Americans.

- You're all idiots.

Why did we ever come to

this ridiculous party?

- Because Father asked

since we spend

too much alone time together.

(Margot sighing)

- Well, that's good you

guys are close.

- Oui, very close.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Do you guys want some

cheese and wine?

You guys like that stuff, right?

- Yeah, I guess, nothing fancy,

you know?

- Well, well, what are

you guys doing?

- Trying to save this

terrible soiree.

- We are trying very

hard to be your friend.

Don't you have anything at all?

- Do you guys like Ratatouille?

- Yeah, it's nothing fancy, but.

- You can't go wrong

with a dish like that.

It's classic, basic, oui,

we like it.

- Oh, my gosh, that's like

one of my favorite movies.

We can totally watch that,

but first, we have to watch

the My Tiny Uni Marathon first.

- I hate you.

(upbeat electronic music)

(guests chattering)

- Preston.

- Hey.

Mm, well you look great.

- So how many boobs did

you see tonight?

- Seven. (laughing)

- Seven?

How do you get to that number?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, say

that a little louder.

I'm sure Lisa over there

isn't at all concerned

that she just survived

breast cancer.

- Oh, my Molestia, I

totally forgot.

- No, do not use Princess

Molestia's in vain,

do you under, hey, guys.

Having a good time?

Alright, drinks are in the back.

Sorry, and I'm sorry, yeah,

just don't, don't use that name.

I mean, it's just unicorn

shit but whatever.

- Preston, nobody's

gonna judge you

if you just come out

of the stable.

- Look, look it's

different for me, okay?

Guys aren't supposed to

be into that type of show.

- We met at Unicon.

- No, no, no, we didn't, no.

No, no, no, I'm into guy shit,

okay?

Yeah, guy shit like superheroes,

the Super Task Force,

and men shit,

banging, slapping asses,

fucking, yeah.

- Well, I can like

Power Rangers, too.

I don't know why guys think

they can't be into My Tiny Uni.

- Okay, listen, it is

different for me, okay?

I'll never hear the end

of it, you understand?

- Hey, did you know

Preston's into My Tiny Uni?

- No, she's.

- That's why we met.

(woman laughing)

- No, this girl, no.

- What do you think of that?

- Stop giggling.

- Stop giggling.

- My Little Unicorn?

- Believe it?

- Yeah, no, no,

she's just been drinking.

- Hey, guys,

Preston's a bronicorn.

- No, no, don't pay

- Oh, my god.

- attention to these girls,

I roofied her earlier.

- Preston's

- Okay, no, just don't.

- a bronicorn.

- No, no I'm not guys.

(guests laughing)

- What's your favorite episode?

- I, I'm sorry, what?

(guests laughing)

- What's your favorite episode?

(guests laughing)

(upbeat electronic music)

- Season two, wait for it,

episode six.

I mean, honestly guys,

just in the way that

they all came together

at the end was spectacular.

(guests laughing)

- OMG, I am totally

gonna cheep this.

- No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, please don't.

Please don't, no, no, no,

please, please fucking don't.

- See Preston,

nobody's judging you,

and everyone's having

a great time.

(guests laughing)

- You've,

you have ruined my life.

(atmospheric western

guitar music)

- [Cowboy Cool] Well, partner,

you went to hell in a

picnic basket.

Seems that ole Duke is

remembering his calling.

It was silly of me to hope

that he would just be

killing people in the park.

That unicorn is pure evil,

and I need to put him down.

(atmospheric electronic music)

- [Duke] Found the bitch.

I guess they're all

in that house.

All I have to do is get

inside and kill the kid

but if I just run in, he

might get away.

What do I do?

- Hey, ah, are you a

talking carousel horse?

(ominous electronic music)

(hoof thwacking against head)

(body thudding on ground)

What do I do?

(upbeat electronic music)

(knocking on door)

- What's up, titty?

Ah, fuck, oh, pizza.

Come on in, buddy.

- Hey, three pies,

one French bread style?

- Yeah, yeah, fuck,

whatever, come on in, buddy.

- Alright, sir,

that'll be $42.39.

- Alright, fucking pizza.

Shit, I think I might have,

oh, time out, my man,

hold on for a second.

Hey, foxy lady.

Foxy Brown, what's up girl?

You know, I happened to notice

that you are not wearing

one of my necklaces.

- Are you that bronicorn?

- Ah, what?

- Like I'll ever.

- No, no, no.

- I'll show you.

- No, no, wait, wait.

(Preston screaming)

- Holy, shit.

(Preston screaming)

- Sarah? (screaming)

- Wait, wait, wait, wait,

where are you?

(upbeat electronic music)

- Hmm.

Oh, yeah, look at

that hot bitch.

Totally gonna cheep this.

Hashtag, gonna hit on

the pizza guy.

Hashtag, hot bitch.

- No watch.

- Hey, there, big boy.

What's your name?

- I'm your friendly

neighborhood pizza guy, Joe.

- Ooh, do you know what my

favorite pizza topping is?

- Is it our 25 topping

Hungry Man Special?

At $24.99, I see why

people like it so much.

- Sausage.

Do you have any sausage?

- Ah, no, nobody ordered

a sausage pizza.

- I mean, your penis.

- You want some pizza with

my penis on it?

- No, I'm hitting on you.

- Look, ma'am, I'm in the middle

of a business

transaction right now.

Nevermind that a penis pizza

would never pass FDA

regulations.

- Oh, my god, you

clearly need a drink.

Can I get you a drink

or something?

- Sorry, no drinking

while on the job, ma'am,

but there is something

you can give me.

- Yeah, handsome?

- I could really use

$42.39 plus tip.

- That's Preston's job, Joe.

Joe, Joe, Joe, do you work out,

Joe?

- I work my butt off

delivering pizzas.

- My, god, it's gonna

be really hard

to have sex with you, isn't it?

Hashtag, pizza zoned.

Hashtag, sausage blocker.

- Okay, it's time to play,

Never Have I Ever. (laughing)

- I don't even know

what that is.

- Oh, it's this really fun game

where everyone sits in a circle,

and we all say something

that we've done

but if you haven't done it,

you have to lower a finger,

it's amazing.

- That sounds really stupid.

- Come on, Joe, you gotta play.

- No, I just gotta get $42.39,

then leave before I get fired.

I can't lose this job.

Otis Barkmeyer needs me.

- Come on, it's a good

way to get to know me.

- The only things that

I need to know about you

is what kind of pizza you

want and your home address.

- Ooh, moving kind of fast,

I like it.

Hashtag, winning

- Can someone please pay me?

- Come on, Joe, after we

play, you can stuff my crust.

- [Joe] We didn't order

any of that, either.

- Well, actually how

do you play?

Is it both hands, two hands,

like one hand, how do we play?

- It's just one hand,

four fingers.

And if you have done something

that somebody else hasn't done,

you pass.

Okay, so, I'll go first.

Never have I ever missed

an episode of My Tiny Uni.

Ah, I can't believe you guys.

- Really, you really

can't believe that?

- Your turn, Pierre.

- I don't know what to say.

- Just say something

you've never done before.

- Never have I ever killed

a man in cold blood.

- That's stupid.

- Never have I ever cared

about this shitty country.

- What did you just say?

You can either love this

country or you can get out.

- If our father was not a

wanted criminal back home,

I would.

- Never have I ever fucked

my own sibling.

- Whoa, really?

Hashtag, wincest.

Joe, your turn.

- Ah, I'm not playing, I'm

just waiting for Preston.

- Fucking play.

- Okay, never have I ever

received $42.39 for

delivering pizza

to this party tonight.

Oh, none of you have ever

had that either?

Now you know how I feel!

- And never have I ever

not let a pizza guy

fuck me in the ass

the first night we met.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Well, never have I ever

been to France.

- You guys can't lie.

- We are from Quebec.

- You racist Americans.

- Fuck, I lost.

I just, I should have

never gone to France.

- Gotta chug a beer.

- Fine, fine.

I just gotta get one.

- Hey, hey, Preston,

Preston, you got the cash?

- Fuck, man, everyone

wants a piece of Pres Dog.

Give me a second here, buddy,

alright?

Five, 17, 18, 19.

- You're the guy who

writes My Tiny Unicorn

fan fiction, right?

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm

sorry, that was my girlfriend.

She was really drunk, that's,

that's--

- Uni bitch.

(fist whacking against face)

(Preston screaming)

- Motherfucker.

- Holy shit.

- Goddamn loser.

Why don't you like cool shows

like Naval Officer Moo?

That shit is hot.

- Oh, god.

- Oh, god.

- Oh, my god.

- Who was that?

I didn't invite that man.

Who was that man?

Who let that man in my house?

Fuck man, is it bad?

I'm queasy, is there blood?

Oh, my god.

- This is terrible.

- Oh, god, what does

it look like?

Tell me what it looks like?

Oh, my god.

- Okay, it looks like

it's only $22.00,

this is terrible.

- What, what the money?

You're worried about the

fucking money?

Look at my face, man.

Fuck, now I'll get my

money for you.

I'll get money for you

while I'm fucking bleeding.

For you, pizza boy.

Fucker.

- No, no, no, no, no.

no, no, no, no. (sighing)

(upbeat electronic music)

(Joe sighing)

Oh-a.

- Guess you're

sticking around then.

Need some company?

- I need 23 more dollars.

At this point, tip is optional.

- Hey, Laurie, who's this hunk?

- This is my date, Joe.

- I am not her date.

- What happened to Scott?

- Ah, he's at work still,

which means I have about

three more hours

to do whatever I want.

Which means Joe.

Hashtag, open relationships.

- Open, so that means I

can talk to Scott?

- Don't you dare, you bitch.

- So, Joe, what brings

you to the party?

- You know, just

delivered the pizzas,

waiting to get paid

so I can leave.

Say, do you know Preston?

- Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

- Could you get $23.00 from him?

- (chuckling) I can't do that.

That's stealing.

Silly, Joe.

You got yourself a

regular bad boy here.

The original lone colt.

- I know, right?

It's just so hot when

he does that.

Later, I'm gonna let

him hand toss my tits,

and then he can bone my calzone.

- Why would I do that?

That's completely unsanitary.

- Hashtag, clueless.

(men chattering)

(upbeat electronic music)

- Dude is this a horse?

- No, that's a unicorn.

- (chuckling) What's

the difference?

- Horn out of his head.

- [Duke] Hello, gentlemen.

- Are you here for the party?

- No, he's here to grant wishes.

- I love wishes.

- Me too.

- I love you, man.

I wish that we would

die together.

- [Duke] Wish granted.

- Wait, what?

(ominous electronic music)

(flamingo thwacking flesh)

(blood spurting)

- Dude, we got our wish.

- Magic is real.

(intestines squelching)

(man groaning)

- [Duke] Idiots,

magic isn't real.

What, did they think I was

actually a talking unicorn?

Oh, I see why they thought that.

Okay, that fat kid is inside.

I bet he's scheming up

more ways to ruin my life.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Pizza cheese sandwich.

Preston, do you want

some of this?

- Ah, no, thanks, little dude.

All I can taste is blood.

Oh, my god.

(Preston crying)

- [Duke] Too many to

just charge in.

He might get away.

I need to get inside but how?

(doorbell ringing)

- Maybe that's a

pizza guy for me.

- Ooh, maybe.

Wait here, Joe.

- I literally can't leave yet.

- Oh, hello there.

- Oh, my god, are you serious?

- What are you yelling about?

- Guys, somebody left a

carousel horse out here.

- Unicorn, carousel unicorn.

- Who the hell would do that?

- I bet it was Steve,

that piece of shit hack.

- Oh, I hate Steve.

- Hey, remember when he

had a mullet?

- What the hell can you

do with a carousel horse?

What would we do with one?

- (gasping) Oh, there is a

magical world that I love.

We party!

(upbeat rock music)

♫ In the name of Princess ♫

♫ Molestia ♫

♫ Just come out of the stable ♫

♫ We'll clop together forever ♫

♫ Pull your seat up

to the table ♫

♫ Friends for life ♫

♫ One horn for all ♫

♫ Your wish comes true ♫

♫ My tiny uni ♫

♫ Heroes are formed ♫

♫ We're not a barn ♫

♫ Believe in yourself ♫

♫ My tiny uni ♫

- So what do we do with it now?

- Oh, we could put

it in my room.

I mean, just to like

keep it safe.

Ah, figure out what to do

with tomorrow or something.

- I could, I could help

you with that.

- Sarah, you are so cute,

but you are too weak and

you would damage this.

(upbeat electronic music)

Pizza guy?

- $42.39.

- You're gonna chare me $42.39

to carry this up to my room?

- No, for the pizzas.

- You still haven't got

paid for those pizzas?

- Nope.

- Fuck dude,

I, that's embar,

I wanna say sorry, but

I'm embarrassed

that you're still here.

Okay, ah, help me carry this up,

and I'll throw you, ah,

an extra tip.

- Okay, but I gotta go

right after this.

- That's what happens

when you fucking

get paid after

delivering pizzas.

What the fuck, dick?

Jesus Christ.

Pick him up, use your legs.

Pick it up, with your legs,

my friend.

- Okay.

- With your legs.

Fuck, dude, let me get

in the front.

Let me get the front.

- You, are you sure

you want the front?

- Yeah, I'll get the front.

You get the back.

- You sure you're

not used to going from the back?

- [Preston] Yeah, you're

the power bottom in this.

- Squeeze it.

- Okay, oh, Jesus,

you're a big baby, I got.

- What is this made of?

- I got it.

- [Joe] Which way are we going?

- [Preston] To the right, pivot.

- I'm pivoting.

- Not to the right.

No, pivot to the left.

- To the left?

- Now go straight.

Now go straight.

To the left, to the,

just straight now.

- To the left or straight?

- [Preston] Okay, now

you gotta get, go, go.

Pick that ass up.

Take it low, take it low.

- Joe's so strong, too.

He's definitely the

sexiest pizza guy

I've ever met at this party.

- Oh, jeez, I'm gonna

fall down.

Oh, god!

- Ah, yeah, yeah, totally.

- What's wrong, you

distracted by Preston?

You guys must be so in love.

- Yeah, Preston, that's

who I'm looking at.

Preston, and that sexy horn,

I mean ass,

that horny ass.

- Now go straight.

- [Joe] Oh, that feels so good.

Yep, you got it, like that?

- [Preston] This way.

- [Joe] You gotta, you

gotta go low here.

- Fuck.

- Go, go, go low.

Watch the horn.

- Oh, shit.

Get in there, turn it.

- I'm turning it.

This is all me, no

you right now.

- Pizza boy, my man,

helping me out,

I appreciate it, thanks.

If I'm not downstairs in,

ah, I'll be right down.

- Whoa, you wait right there,

buster.

- Why, first of all, I

am waiting right here

and secondly, why, what,

oh fuck, the money.

Pizza, shit, okay, ah, I got

a couple stacks of

20's in my room.

It's in a safe, I

don't trust you,

go back downstairs, and I'll

hook you up with a couple.

- I'd very much appreciate

that, sir, thank you so much.

- Hey, you put in your time,

you helped me with this

shit, I appreciate it.

Put a lot of time into it..

- I certainly have

and thank you,

I really appreciate that.

- No problem, my friend.

- What the fuck?

Wait, wait, wait, is

that how you really walk?

That's like your normal walk.

I like it, kinda like.

Foxy, I smelt you, girl,

how you doin'?

Wait, wait, don't leave, I

just wanna say something.

- Rape!

(taser buzzing)

(Preston shrieking)

- Who brings a fucking

taser to a party?

(upbeat electronic music)

- Well, your all smiles.

- Well, Preston's

getting my money,

then after that I can

finally get out of here.

- Oh, you're leaving?

- Well, I deliver the

pizzas and then I leave.

That's how it works.

- Can I at least get your

number before you leave?

- You can find the

Pete's Pizza phone number

in your phone book or

at our website,

- I mean your number, Joe.

- Why would you want my number?

I can't place the order for you.

- My, god, your skull is as

thick as a deep dish pizza.

- Our new deep dish is $13.99

and that includes two toppings.

- Can I least give you my number?

- Why would you give me,

wait, are you hitting on me?

- Yeah, I have been this whole time.

- Oh, golly, gee, Laurie,

you actually have to tell a fella

if you're interested in him.

You've just been talking

about pizza all night,

which is a really weird fetish.

- You are so stupid.

I like you.

Can we have sex now?

- Yes, but I'm still on the

clock, so you have to wait.

- This is the worst night ever.

- Well, with that

attitude, missy, I see why.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Where are you going?

- Um, upstairs.

- Why?

- Um, this is my house,

I don't always have to

tell you what I'm doing.

- Well, excuse me.

Hashtag, snippy.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

you and Preston better not

be messing around up here.

I gotta get going soon.

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna be

messing around with Preston.

Unicorns honor.

- Well, I guess it's just

back to you and me then.

- Yes, it is.

(atmospheric electronic music)

- Oh, your are beautiful.

(sighing) You have to be the

sturdiest stud I've ever seen.

You must make all the filly's flustered.

You know, I've never gotten

to be alone with a stud like you before.

I must be lucky.

I think about it all the time.

Every night.

(hands clapping)

(atmospheric rock music)

(Sarah groaning)

Oh, my Molestia.

(Sarah screaming)

(upbeat electronic music)

- I can't hold back anymore.

I need you, Brother.

- Oui, sister dear.

- Fucking Canadians.

At least you gave us hockey, though.

You do you.

(camera shutter clicking)

(Sarah crying)

- [Duke] Maybe I'll start a scrapbook.

Who needs fan fiction when

you have the real thing, huh?

Why are you crying?

- Why did you make me do that?

I have a boyfriend. (crying)

- [Duke] Come on, babe,

what you did is only natural.

Well, (laughing) actually

it's not natural at all

because, you know, I'm a

living carousel unicorn,

but you know what I meant.

- Don't touch me.

- [Duke] That's how you talk to me?

After I made your dreams come true?

What an ungrateful bitch.

You were asking for it,

literally, with words.

You crawled on the bed,

and you told me to put my

penis into your vagina.

You know what, I guess our relationship

can't go any farther.

I'm breaking up with you.

More like I'm breaking you.

(ominous electronic music)

(Sarah screaming)

(hooves whacking against face)

Shit, how do I open this?

(upbeat electronic music)

- Let's take this into the bedroom.

I want to have some real fun.

- [Duke] Thanks, asshole.

(horn thwacking into chest)

(dramatic electronic music)

- Fuck this country.

- [Duke] That's two

penetrations in one room.

Let's go for three.

(flesh ripping)

(Margot gasping)

- I can't find it, that bitch.

Hey, Margot, whoa, ah!

- Don't look at me you American pig.

(Preston screaming)

- It's alive, it's fucking alive.

- [Duke] Well, I guess the

unicorn is out of the bag.

- Guys, guys, we need to

get the fuck outta here

like right now.

- Where have you been?

You were getting those

20's 15 minutes ago.

- Shut the fuck up, pizza boy.

There's a fucking, the horse,

the carousel's fucking

alive, it's like a vampire.

It's fucking alive!

- Ah, what?

- Look, I've heard some bad

excuses in this line of work

but that is the worst,

most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- Pizza boy, I'm going to kill you.

We need to get the fuck outta here.

I say we fucking take that douchebag,

send him upstairs, and leave

'cause fucking Margot's dead.

We gotta go.

- Fuck you, man.

None of you pieces of dog shit

seem to give a shit that I have a job

and that's why I'm even here.

Do any of you motherfuckers

even care why I have a job?

My pet dog, Otis Barkmeyer,

has just been diagnosed with cancer.

I'm saving up every single cent

that I can to save my best goddamn friend.

It's treatable, but the

vet needs to be paid first

before anything else.

Otis is all I have.

Dad left, Mom is on drugs,

she doesn't know where

she is half the time,

and Uncle Remus is a convicted pedophile.

Otis is my best friend and

he's always been there for me,

and I can't let my best friend down.

But because of you dick wads,

I gotta give away the

rest of my pizzas away

for free tonight and I'm probably fired,

which means I'm letting

my best friend down,

and he's gonna die, I'm

gonna have nobody left.

Now what, what, what excuse do you have?

What can you say to me right now?

What can you possibly say to me?

(arrow whirring)

(arrow thudding through chest)

(dramatic electronic music)

- Shit, guys, just had

to ruin my fucking night.

(body thudding on floor)

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Duke] Please remain seated

while the murder is in motion.

- Holy shit.

(arrow whirring)

(arrow thudding into neck)

(arrow whirring)

(arrow thudding into chest)

(arrow whirring)

(fist thudding against arrow)

(ominous electronic music)

(fist whacking against nose)

- Go ahead, take your

best shot, motherfucker.

(hoof thwacking through face)

- What the hell are you doing here?

These are supposed to be my victims.

I staked this place out all night.

Haven't you ever heard

of professional courtesy?

- [Duke] Hey, can I see that for a second?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

It's a good weapon.

killed a lot of kids with it.

(ax whooshing)

(ax whacking into skull)

- [Duke] What a jack ax.

- [Man] Still a good one.

- Wait, Lunchbox.

- Oh, Jesus,

who the hell is that?

- It's my brother.

- You brought your kid brother

to a party full of drunks?

- He's fine, he's been in here.

- I think I need my insulin.

- Shut up, Lunchbox.

- My name is Larry.

- You are a terrible person.

- Oh, my god, you sound like my boyfriend.

- And you have a boyfriend?

Are you racist too?

What other factoid are you gonna

let me know about yourself tonight,

that you hate pizza?

- Shut up, we need to run.

- What's going on?

- [Duke] Boy, you're that little brat

that pushed me too far.

- Whoa, are you the horse I rode today?

- Unicorn, it's a unicorn.

- [Duke] No respect.

That's what you kids lack, respect.

You all just rode me and

used me like I was a thing.

Just something that

existed for your pleasure.

Your sticky hands, your disgusting snot,

and your endless kicking.

It's enough to drive any horse mad.

- Unicorn, you're a unicorn?

- [Duke] Shut the fuck up!

So now, you little shit,

I'm going to murder you, slowly.

First I wanna ride on your back,

kick you in your sides,

and make you wish I'd kill you sooner.

(pan clacking against nose)

- [Joe] Come on, come on, come on.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Shit, somebody parked behind me.

- We'll just go to my car.

(car engine sputtering)

- Oh, jackpot.

- Oh, this car's dying too.

Everything I care about is dying!

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Duke] Not going anywhere without this.

- What do we do?

- What if we give him your brother?

That's what he wants anyway.

- Hey, I can hear you.

- Well maybe next time don't piss off

the only homicidal carousel horse.

- Unicorn.

- Shut up.

- Hashtag, dick.

I'm not just gonna give him my brother.

He'll just kill him.

Uh, then my mom will kill me.

Look, I'll just mace him,

and we'll lock him out of house.

- That's not gonna work

He's made out of wood or plastic or resin,

I don't know what he's made out of,

but it's not gonna work.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Duke] Well, hey there, pretty girl.

I wonder which one of us knows

how to work a pole better?

- I carry this just for creeps like you.

(mace hissing)

- [Duke] Ah, god, my eyes.

I can't blink.

- Oh, my, god, I can't

believe that worked.

Go, Larry.

Come on, come on, come on

(dramatic electronic music)

- Now what?

- Okay, we need

to lock all the doors and windows

and backdoor windows and block,

just seal this place off.

- Okay.

- I'm, I'm hungry.

- Lunchbox, shut the front door.

(dramatic electronic music)

What are we gonna do?

Hashtag, horror movie.

- Okay, I think we need to

call the police right now.

- How, we don't have a phone.

- Are you serious?

- What?

- You're literally holding a phone.

- No, I'm not.

- It's in your hands.

- Nah-ah.

- I am looking at it.

- This isn't a phone,

it's just a social networking tool.

It only has internet access.

- What are you talking about?

That's not a tablet.

- My mom blocked my ability to make calls.

She doesn't like Scott.

He was like in a porn once.

- Laurie?

- I mean, I was in it too,

so it's not a huge deal.

- Right now you need

- It was only four other guys.

- to just, shut up.

- It was just the breakfast club.

It was just fifth grade fun.

- Call 911 right now.

- Don't you listen, I can't.

- You can.

- Wow, hashtag, bad listener.

- Every cell phone can

make emergency calls.

- This one can't.

It's blocked.

- It's not blocked.

- Like, oh, my gosh, Scruff McGruff,

how many times do I have

to freakin' tell you?

- Just try.

- I don't have to try, I

already know it won't work.

- Please, for me, it's just three numbers.

- What about your phone?

- My phone, my phone is in my

car working as a GPS device

because I'm supposed to be

delivering pizzas right now,

not about to be murdered

by a sentient, living carousel horse.

- Unicorn.

(atmospheric guitar music)

- Howdy, folks.

- Holy shit!

- Ah, Jesus.

- [Cowboy Cool] Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nelly.

Don't worry, I'm a friend.

- How did you get inside?

- [Cowboy Cool] You left

the door wide open, partner.

- Goddamn it, Lunchbox,

that was your only job.

- I thought you were

telling me to shut up.

- It's okay, I shut and locked it.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, everyone wait,

just give me a minute here.

Um, so there's a cowboy now?

- That's Cowboy Cool.

- He's from the amusement park.

- I told him to eat a dick.

- [Cowboy Cool] Hey, now, that's

no way to talk to a cowboy.

Especially one this cool.

- What the hell is going on?

- Well you see, this youngin over here,

he went and got Duke all ticked off.

I've been watching that varmint for years.

I was hoping that he

would stay in his slumber,

but then this rascal over

here went and got him so mad

that Duke broke free of his prison,

and now you got the Nazi son

of a bitch on your front door.

- None of this makes any sense.

Why is there a carousel hor, unicorn.

- Thank you.

- Why is there a carousel unicorn,

why is it alive, how does it even walk,

where is it getting all of these weapons,

why the hell are you here?

- You see, I'm the sheriff

of that there park,

and Duke was put under my watch.

I was trusted to keep him in line,

and so now I'm here to help you folks out.

- What do we do, Cowboy Cool?

- Well now, the best thing we can do

is to try to keep all the doors locked.

He's trying to get inside.

He's hellbent on killing that boy.

Now I think if I see him coming,

I should be able to lasso that stallion

and take him down.

- Okay, sir.

- Of course, of course you're okay

with this whole situation.

Of course, you're taking

the leadership orders

from a man in a novelty cowboy mask.

Why aren't we calling 911 right now?

- [Cowboy Cool] Now, now,

now, now I wouldn't do that

because you see, they can't stop him.

Only I can do that.

And we don't need no more

casualties in this here hoedown.

- That's exactly what I said.

- I hate all of you.

(doorbell ringing)

(dramatic electronic music)

- Who the hell is that?

- I have no idea.

- I'll go look.

- Lunchbox?

- Guys, it's just the pizza guy.

- No!

- No!

- Hashtag, no!

- Dude, where's the pizza?

(Joe groaning)

- Let me cut you a slice

(Joe yelping)

- Oh, my god, oh my god!

- of your face.

- I don't like knives.

- Oh, my god, throw him off!

- Like pizza.

- Oh, my, this is taking

a really long time.

Oh, my god, this

- I chose a poor one,

that's why.

- hurts so much, oh, god!

This is what pizza felt like.

Oh, my god, I'm so sorry, pizza.

I'll never have another piece.

Oh, god!

- [Cowboy Cool] Get somewhere safe.

I have exactly what I

need to kill this varmint.

- Get in.

(dramatic electronic music)

(hoof whacking against gun)

(gun clacking on floor)

(hoof thwacking against face)

(Cowboy Cool groaning)

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Duke] Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.

(ax thwacking in back)

- [Larry] Shouldn't we have run outside

and gotten as far away

from here as possible?

- [Laurie] Shut up, Lunchbox.

Do you want him to hear you?

(Larry sighing)

(door knob clattering)

- [Duke] (laughing) You're

hiding in the closet.

What a classic.

(ominous electronic music)

(hanger tapping against face)

Ow, ow, ouch.

This hurts way more than you'd think.

(body thudding on floor)

- [Laurie] Larry, come on.

(dramatic electronic music)

- [Duke] Shit.

(dramatic electronic music)

- Oh, man.

How are we supposed to

kill this thing now?

Hashtag, hopeless.

- Man, now I feel really bad

about telling him to eat a dick.

- [Duke] That was way harder

than it should have been.

(dramatic electronic music)

What could possibly be so important

that you have to be on

your phone right now?

- This is a horrible party.

I have to let my followers know.

Hashtag, shitty party.

Hashtag, killer unicorn.

Hashtag, caroushell.

(dramatic electronic music)

(blood spurting)

(body shattering)

- [Duke] You play a good game, boy.

- Look, dude, I'm sorry.

- [Duke] It's too late for that.

- How was I supposed

to know you were alive?

- [Duke] All of the

kicking, those sticky hands,

that snot, that complete lack of respect.

You're going to feel what

every spoiled brat should feel.

The pain you feel is

going to be wonderful.

Well, for me at least.

It's going to suck for you.

(dramatic western music)

- [Cowboy Cool] Not so fast, partner.

I'm gonna lasso the wild one. (laughing)

- No.

- Cowboy Cool.

- [Cowboy Cool] Don't worry, son.

I've got this wild stallion under control.

- [Duke] No, not when I'm this close.

Come on, just let me stomp

on the kid for awhile.

- [Cowboy Cool] I wanted

to let you have your piece,

but I reckon I made a mistake.

I should have done this a long time ago.

(gun hammer clicking)

(gun firing)

(atmospheric electronic music)

(atmospheric guitar music)

(Cowboy Cool groaning)

- That was so cool.

- [Cowboy Cool] How do

you think I got this name?

You okay, little buddy?

- Cowboy Cool, you did it.

- [Cowboy Cool] I did. (coughing)

- Come on, let's go.

- [Cowboy Cool] No, son.

I'm afraid I need to

ride off into the sunset.

I can't go on.

- What do I do?

- [Cowboy Cool] You gotta

get along, little doggy.

(coughing)

You can head on home.

- But that's like a mile away.

I have to walk.

- [Cowboy Cool] Yep, when you get there,

call the sheriff.

Tell him they're gonna need body bags

and a wood chipper for that

son of a gun. (coughing)

Alright, boys, I'm coming to see ya now.

(groaning)

- You were the ugliest horse there.

Stupid unicorn.

(foot whacking again body)

(atmospheric guitar music)

(body thudding against car)

(tires screeching)

- [Duke] Got him.

You must be this tall to die.

(ominous electronic music)

(flesh squelching)

So let this be a lesson

to you folks out there.

Don't be such an asshole to things.

You never know what random object

is a living, homicidal maniac.

And my memory may be fuzzy,

but I know I'm not alone.

There's more like me out there.

A whole menagerie of mayhem.

But you don't wanna wake 'em up.

And you know what?

I'm never going back to sleep again.

I'm here for good.

What did that bitch say again?

Oh, yeah, who else is going

to ride the caroushell?

(laughing)

(upbeat carousel music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Hello, everyone, your

house call, oh, my god.

There's blood everywhere.

It's a good thing I learned

about this in my class today.

I'm not touching anything.

(clacking from upstairs)

(ominous orchestral music)

Hello?

Is there anybody up

there who needs my help?

Hello?

Oh, my god.

(unicorn snarling)

(upbeat rock music)

♫ There's a magical world ♫

(upbeat rock music)

♫ That I love ♫

(upbeat rock music)

♫ You won't find it underground ♫

(upbeat rock music)

♫ Or way up above. ♫

(upbeat rock music)

♫ Or way up above. ♫

♫ Unisisters, bronicorns,

we're friends til the end ♫

♫ The magic is real ♫

♫ This isn't pretend ♫

♫ In the name of Princess Molestia ♫

♫ Just come out of the stable ♫

♫ Well clop together forever ♫

♫ Pull your seat up to the table ♫

♫ Friends for life ♫

♫ One horn for all ♫

♫ Your wish comes true ♫

♫ My tiny uni ♫

♫ Heroes are formed ♫

♫ We're not a barn ♫

♫ Believe in yourself ♫

♫ My tiny uni ♫

(atmospheric electronic music)

(atmospheric electronic music)