Carolina (2003) - full transcript

♪ The closer you get to me

♪ I feel you pull away

♪ as crazy as you seem to be,
I know you're just afraid ♪

♪ stop making up excuses,
honey ♪

♪ I've heard all kinds
of lies ♪

♪ stop taking a ride

♪ you're meant for me

♪ here comes the big surprise

♪ won't you get over it?

♪ I do

♪ I know that it scares you
a little bit ♪



♪ get over it

♪ get over it

♪ I think you can handle this

♪ have your cake
and eat it, too ♪

♪ sometimes a kiss
is just a kiss ♪

♪ I'm not asking much of you

♪ and I can't tell you why
or how I know ♪

♪ you're taking me all wrong

♪ chill out, relax

♪ see how this goes

♪ you'll thank me later on

♪ Won't you get over it?

♪ I do

♪ I know that it scares you



♪ to have to admit to
that you love me ♪

♪ let's face it, you need me

♪ you know that you want me

♪ get over it

♪ get over it

♪ get over it

Yeah, I'm parked
in the back here.

Okay.

Want to just leave
your car?

Coffee,

Susan, please.

With vanilla.

Good day,
Mrs. Mirabeau.

And, of course, a good day

to the fairy Princess herself,
miss Georgia.

How's married life treating
you this week, Ernie?

Uh, fine.

Huh?

Fine, fine.

Mm.

It's another book.

You know me, I didn't go
through the eighth grade.

My grandbaby here's
reading "Anna Karena."

"Anna Karenina."

She jumped in front of a train
when her boyfriend left her.

Yeah, well,
grandma's gotta pee.

I want coffee, please.

No.
You're too little.

You have coffee.

Thank you.That'll be all, Susan.

Ow!

Do you know what?
You're not a fairy Princess.

You're a fairy bitch!

Yeah? You're a smart bitch.An ugly smart bitch.

No one will ever
marry you!

I hate you! I hate you even more!

Look at my shoes!

So, what do I care?!

You did that on purpose!

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did!
No!

Yes!
No!

I didn't!

Yes, you did!

Oh, you're a bitch!

Go ahead,
kill each other.

Don't worry about the mess.

I'll hose it down
when the killing's over.

Friends.
I need some peace.

But, Millie, you can’t leave them outside with those butcher knives.

They ain't that sharp.

Georgia...

We are not
being raised right.

Daddy.

Sweet girls, daddy's got
a surprise for you.

A big surprise.

Is it a puppy?

Meet your new baby sister.

Her name is Maine.

Is her mama dead, too?

No, her mom's in
a crazy house in Bangor.

Theodore!

Hi, mama.

These better be
your soiled shorts in here.

Give me those knives.

Don't you family-honk me,
you son of a bitch!

Leave another child
at my doorstep.

Things are gonna be different
for you, Maine.

I promise you that.

Thank you
for coming in, John.

So, you know how the show works, right?

Yeah, you find me
a date.

Right.
That is true.

But first, you need to tell me what you look for in a woman.

Well, it's like this.

I want to reenact every scene from "9 1/2 weeks."

You know, that movie with
Kim Basinger and that guy?

So, when I meet my date,

I don't want to
ever know her name.

Are you following this,
Carolina?

Loud and clear, Dave.

John.

John.

Hey, it's Maine.

Code word "grim."

John, this is my
assistant, snake.

He's gonna take over for just one second, okay?

Wait, how do you know
what I want ...

John, it's what I do.

Maine?

Carolina? Hello?

Grandma broke
my riding crop.

Maine, you said
code word "grim."

And why are you speaking in
that phony British accent?

Grandma locked herself
in the dressing room
and won't come out.

Okay, tell me.
You see...

They advertised a VCR
in the paper for $89,

but the sale ended yesterday.

So, grandma said,
"that's a crock of shit,"

snapped my riding crop in half,

and locked herself up in the dressing room two hours ago.

Maine, just so you know,
you lost your accent on
that last part.

Is Georgia with you?

Why, yes, she is.

Georgia,
it's Carolina.

Oh.

Hey, what's up? Can't you do something

before this ends up
in another police report?

Maine!

Wait, we have movement.

Get me some toilet paper,
honey,

'cause I gotta go
to the bathroom!

56.90, lady.
You win.

I want to
experience you.

Who, me?

Sorry I'm late.

Ha ha! Darling!

Oh, all my
wonderful peoples.

Nice to see you.Daphne St. Claire
is in the building.

Oh!

Ooh. Boychick.

Nice to see you.How are you?
Nice to see you.

Hello, my dear.
Oh, you came.

Would you look at
all these people?

They have been camped out for days.

It's like a Pearl jam concert.And you know why?

No, Albert,
enlighten me.

Daphne's books unlock the mysteries of love.

We're next.

Daphne is an oracle.

What would the oracle
have to say

about the mysteries
of my love life?

You always pick
the wrong guy.

They either dump you
or you dump them.

You never get past
the third date.

That's not true.
I have a fourth date tonight.

Hmm.

Have a nice day.

Oh, wow.

Miss St. Claire,

I can't tell you what it means
to finally meet you.

Well, hello, darling.

That's the second bad accent
I've heard today.

Shh.

Who shall
I make this out to?

Albert Morris.

I love all your books.

They're just so...

Glamorous.

Like you.

Daphne, tell me, how do you
write about love so well?

Are you gay?

Not gay.
Just a fan.

Oh!

All hearts
know about love.

All you have to do
is listen.

She was good this time,
wasn't she?

She was sober
this time.

Your publisher should really
hire a better actress

for your next book.

Remember,
I want a full report

of the fourth date
in the morning.

You have one message.

Hi, Carolina.
This is Blake.

Listen, about tonight.

Something came up.

Morning.

Good morning,
Carolina.

How was the fourth date?

He canceled.

He dumped you?

Are you all right?

Of course I am.

I forgot about him
already.

You should move, Allie.

You can afford a house
in Beverly Hills adjacent.

And I hear they keep
their car stereos

for six months
around there.

No, I like
the ambiance here ...

The ever-changing graffiti...

The distinct aroma
of urine in the air...

Wondering why that helicopter
keeps circling over my head.

I like our morning ritual.

It makes me feel like
I got a real job.

Have a great day at work.

Yeah, you too.
Take care.

♪ Finally

♪ what's up with that?

♪ Yeah

♪ out of groovy sight

♪ yeah

hi.

♪ Out of groovy sight

hi. How are you?Hey. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Good morning.

Hi.

♪ What you wanna do?

♪ Yeah ♪ what you wanna do?

♪ All right ♪ what you wanna do?

♪ Out of groovy sight ♪ all right

I don't normally do this, uh,

but I don't think people
that do this are freaks...

Necessarily.

Uh, anyway, I'm ...
I'm looking for a woman.

Hi.

I'm funny and I'm fun.

And, uh, I'm ...I'm a good dancer, good kisser,

and I'm looking for someone who is nice and has a good job.

You know, I got to see
some pearly white teeth.

You can't be missing teeth.

You know, I don't want to see
no yellow teeth

or nothing like that,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, a sense of humor is key,

'cause a lot of women, they
don't get my sense of humor.

They think I'm rude,
sarcastic, or arrogant.

It gets misinterpreted.

I like to feel her skin,
and I like to,

you know, see and taste and ...

That's ... I mean, that's, you
know, in touch with my senses.

Um, rather than me tell you,
I'll tell you what I've heard.

Men and women should be
equal partners in life.

Mm-hmm.

Men and women should be
equal partners in life.

Hmm. Anyway, my name's
Heath Pierson.

Uh, I'm fresh off
the virgin 747 to Los Angeles,

and I'm ... I'm new here.

So, um ...

Snake!
Yeah?

I am the one
they call snake.Who's that guy?

Oh, he was one of the late
ones after you left.

Okay.

Put him with, uh,
that Kate girl.

Kate?
All right.

Why is it so quiet?
Where is everybody?

Well, tomorrow
is thanksgiving.

Daphne?
Are you there?

I'm ready to go.

Are you all set?

Oh, Daphne,
aren't you ready yet?

Princess Tabitha has just been kidnapped by Roark the pirate,

who has successfully dragged her into his lair of wanton desire.

Isn't that the third

"pirate captures the Princess"
story you've written?

Pirates are classic.

And why are the girls
always princesses?

Tell me that.All women are princesses.

Guess what happens next.

She caresses
his throbbing manhood.

No.
Too soon, my pretty.

Guess again.
Uh...

She removes her bodice
with trembling hands.

No, he'll remove it.
He'll do it.

Last guess.
Make it a good one.

Okay, uh,
his hands slowly roam

his newly conquered
territory.

That, I like.

Plagiarizing
at warp speed.

Okay, let's go,
thief.

Save, save, save!

The weather today in Los Angeles

calls for temperatures
in the low to mid-80s.

Breezy at times,

with a few scattered clouds
and smog levels...

Boy, does your grandmother
live in a strange part

of Los Angeles.

Why is it so hard to bean adult around my family?

Ah, that's why I left
my family 3,000 miles away

and came here.

It's always the same. Grandma will make a scene.

Someone will get drunk and try and shoot someone.

Georgia will end up crying for no particular reason.

It's like family voodoo.

That's why I like 'em.

Grandma likes you, too,

but if she knew you were Daphne St. Claire,

she'd probably kill you.

Hey, Chang, how ya doin'?

Hello!

Hey!
Oh!

How's your wee thing
hanging, Albert?

A wee bit to the left.

Oh, yeah?

Carolina, how are
you doing, baby?

I'm good.
How are you?

I'm good, baby.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you!

But why'd you go waste your money on something that’s gonna die anyway?

'Cause I wanted to.

Well, next time,you know, make it perfume.

So, how are you,
grandma?

I'm as nervous as a whore
in church, honey.

Got all this food to cook up
for my crazy family.

Would you let me help this time?

No, you're just gonna
get in the way.

Say, I hear you're bringing
your new man.

I broke up with him.

You broke up with him?

Mm-hmm.

Carolina...

Lying your ass off
is unbecoming, honey.

You go see Maine.

She's been hollering
for you all day.

I swear that child
is one taco short of
a combination plate.

Albert, come in here
and get your belly full.

I have a present
for you.

Don't you knock?

Mirabeaus don't knock, Maine.
We have no boundaries.

What are you doing?

Maine is winning
the lottery.

Is that so?

The English boy in"the rocking-horse winner"

rode so hard he went into a trance.

And when he was
in a trance,

he saw the winning horse’s name before each race.

You're reading
d.H. Lawrence now?

That boy won big money on the Kentucky derby,

and I'm gonna win big money on the lottery.

I've already seen two winning lottery numbers.

4 and 27.
See?

4 and 27.

If you insist on patronizing me,

please leave.

You're clouding my trance.

What's that?

On-screen programming.

You can set the timer to record your favorite shows.

See?

Mm-hmm.

Don't let technology
scare you.

Nothing scares me, kid.

I just want you
to do it for me.

Hey.

Guess what.

Grandma got a top-of-the-line VCR.

It only cost her 50 bucks.

So I heard.

Shut.

You gotta do what
you gotta do, Carolina.

Life is serious business.

I got me my leather interiors
with that toilet-paper trick.

Works every single time.

No bullshit.
Hmm.

♪ I'm bored out of my head

♪ jump in,
the motor's running ♪

♪ I'm going down
to your house ♪

♪ you know they're coming

♪ give me your surprise

Grandma!

Okay, all you lazy,
good-for-nothing goldbrickers,

dinner is served.

Come and get it!

♪ Underneath the starry skies

♪ hey, you know it's true

♪ I get off on you

if grandma offers you jerky
or chitlings, say no.

Well, I see your aunt Marilyn
brought her breasts.

Warning one, Albert.

How long was she in for?

Three months.

Aunt Marilyn used her little black book again.

The police chief,who's into high heels,

let her out
on good behavior.

Inspiring.
She should write a book.

Daphne St. Claire
could be her cowriter.

Over Daphne's dead body.

Daphne could use
the research.

Would you really sleep with a $500-a-night hooker

and pay for it?

I don't know about
paying for it.

No, no, seriously.

Seriously?

I've never really been a one-night-stand kind of guy.

So you've been in love
with all the women

you've slept with?

Well...

Well, how many
have there been?

A few.

Okay, how many?

Hey...

Back off.

So you really think you know
what love feels like?

Come on, Carolina,
stop dawdling.

Come on.

Yes, ma'am.

No, I don't eat meat anymore,
remember?

And you wonder why
you can't find a man.

Watch it.

Next.

I got her close, didn't I?

What's that in your hand?

It's a party, isn't it?

Ahh.

Hey.

What's with you
and my daughter, huh?

You two having sex yet?

What?

No, no,we're just good friends.

That's all.

What's the matter?

She not good enough
for you?

No! No!
Huh?

I-I mean yes.Yes, of course she is.

It's just...

Friends and sex don't mix.

Where's, um ...

I'm sorry, what's his name,
your new boyfriend?

Seth.

Right. Seth.

I broke his heart.

Why do I keep
doing that?

What happened?

I told him my baby
wasn't his.

You're pregnant?
How can you be pregnant?

Oh, the usual way.

Do you know
who the father is?

Excuse me?

I mean, of course ...
Of course you know

who the father is,
right?

I do!

Well, um...

Do you want me to go
with you?

I'm gonna keep it.

You're gonna raise a baby
all by yourself?

You don't have a job.
You've never had a job.

I tried to get a job once.I...

I didn't have
the right shoes.

Don't tell grandma,
okay?

I'll tell her when the time's right.

Okay?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Grandma, I've been
meaning to ask you.

Have you read Daphne St. Claire's new book?

Oh, you're
damned straight I have.

That's what you need,
girl.

You need a man like
Ashlen Chandler

from "roughing it
at midnight."

Ashlen's from
"moonlight rhapsody."

He's not her type.

You read the romances,
Marilyn?

Oh, I already know
all I need to know.

I bet you do.

You know,
I like you, Albert,

'cause you're a man
who has no shame about
reading the romances.

Did you read
"love's sacred desire"?

Crap.

You didn't like "desire"?

No. That Daphne St. Claire
shot her wad on that one.

Too much talking,
not enough loving.

What she needs to do is get
drunk and howl at the moon.

I agree!

You could use a little
howlin' at the moon
yourself, honey.

I'm focusing
on my career.

Okay,
but your titties

aren't gonna stay
perky forever, you know.

Well, that's
what surgery's for.

Right!

You know, you got
one big problem, Carolina.

It's called
"bad man-picking."

How can you say that when you’ve only met one guy
I've ever been with?

I don't need to meet the rooster when I got the hen right here.

And the hen's not happy.

The hen is, too, happy.

The hen looks down
on her grandma

'cause her grandma
leads her life

exactly any way
she damn pleases.

In fact, the hen hates
her grandma 'cause of that.

I do not.

It's just that I would do things differently.

Oh, really?
How's that?

Everybody...

I have an announcement to make.

This year I’m gonna have a formal

Christmas sit-down
dinner at my house,

and I hope all of you can make it.

This is where we eat,
Carolina.

You know that.

I know, but wouldn't bite nice if ...

If?

If a frog had wings,

he wouldn't
bump his ass so much.

No.

Well, what about you guys?I-I...

Anyone?

Daddy?

Uh...

Look, why don't you girls just,you know, figure this out

and tell me
where you want me?

I can't believe he just
sat there and did nothing.

He was drunk.

That was his excuse

when he drove us off
the overpass when I was 10.

What happened?

We all died, Albert.

The reservoir
was full of sand.

She'll never come,
will she?

She'll come.

Hey, I can't even wait for Christmas.

Night.

Welcome to
"the perfect date" preshow.

First, to warm us up,
my friends, Swami Hemichandra.

Namaste,everybody.

The warm-up is stand-up,
everybody cold.

Are you ...
Are you Carolina?

Yeah, yes.

Hi, I’m, uh, Heath pierson.

Uh, snake says you’re the one I should thank

for choosing me
as a contestant.

You're welcome,
Heath.

Was it a successful date?

Yes.
Yes, it was.

The romance wasn't there,but we had a good time.

What a great attitude.

Most people, if it's not
love at first sight,

they wish they'd never
come on the show.

Why did you?

Well...

To be honest, I lost a bet with someone in my office,

but then I thought,
"why not?"

I'm new to L.A.,
I don't know anyone,

and it's a difficult city to meet people in, as you know.

Carolina,
we're on in 10.

Mm-hmm.

Oh...

Uh, don't
want that on you.

Hello, everybody.

Okay, um,
is anyone nervous?

Oh, don't be.
The hard part's over.

You've already had
the date.

Now all you have to do
is tell Chuck all about it.

My date hated me.
I could tell.

I'm sure
she didn't, John.

Actually, he's right.
He is a complete asshole.

Okay, uh, Tara,

you know you can't say
"asshole" on TV, right?

At dinner he took notes
on everything I said and did.

And my name's not Tara,
it's Kate.

I'm Tara.

And I didn't hate my date.
He was totally hot.

Oh, I see.

Um, okay, Kate,

let's try to stick to
positive comments when
we're on the air, okay?

I understand.
You screwed up.

I should have had him.

Hello, I'm the new P.A.,
christen.

Uh, phone call
for Carolina.

Take a message, please.

Uh, snake said to tell you
that Georgia's blowing chunks.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

Christen, can you please escort our contestants
to the holding room?

Okey dokey.

You got it.
It's...

So...

Who knows where
the holding room is?

From Hollywood...

It's your favorite game show,
"the perfect date."

And now here's
your perfect host,

Chuck McBride.

Oh!
Oh, keep it coming!

I can feel it.
I can feel it.

I need your love!

I need it!
Whoa!

Georgia, you're supposed to
throw up all the time.

Maybe because there's
a person growing inside you.

We send two contestants
out on a blind date,

you get to see the results
right here,

and then you get to decide,
was it the...

Perfect date!

What a putz.

Let's see those
first two guests right now.

They are Heath pierson
and Tara Barnell!

Carolina!

What? You still haven't told
grandma you're pregnant yet?

Carolina!

Georgia,
I'll call you back!

Do we still have anybody working around this piece-of-crap show?

Job opening.

I am so sorry.I heard what happened.

How did you know
this was my car?

Your name is
on the fence.

Souvenir.

Do you want me
to sign it for you?

You're funny.

Yeah, well,
Chuck overruled funny.

You have to believe there’s something better coming along.

A-After all,

I'm guessing you don’t want to work on a game show

for the rest of your life.

You must be
from a rich family.

I thought so.

Well.

I can afford
to buy you dinner.

You get me fired
and you want to buy me dinner?

Excellent question.

I hope you told him
to bugger off.

Uh...

Oh.

He must be really,
really good-looking.

Yes, but ... yeah, I though so.

Otherwise, you wouldn't go out with a guy who got you fired.

He didn't get me fired.
Georgia did.

Georgia didn't get you fired.
You got yourself fired.

You have to learn
how to say "no,"

like to this...
Heath person.

Pierson.
It's Heath pierson.

I mean "person," like this
stupid Heath person.

What? Ahh! Who cares?!
I got fired.

And I came over to talk to you 'cause you're my best friend,

and all we're doing is arguing about this Heath pierson person.

Forget it.

I won't pretend I'm not disappointed.

Hello, father.
Has anybody...

Don't tell me
he's deserted you already.

State your business.

It's Carolina.

I need you to say you’re coming to Christmas dinner,

and I need you
to say it right now.

Listen, baby, I got me
a fur person now.

And fur people do not
understand formal
sit-down dinners.

Nobody's gonna come if you don't come.

I need you to do this for me, please.

Are you crying, baby?

Yes or no?

Why are you crying,
honey?

Bye, grandma.

And remember y-you're
hauling Georgia's butt
over here this weekend.

I won't forget.

All right, then.

Hello.

It's me.

May I come in?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't very sympathetic.

Oh, where'd that
come from?

I have $53
in my savings account.

I have to go out
and look for another job.

And the milk goes bad
in two days.

What am I gonna do, Albert?

You...get an interview
with the big boys.

You...put on
your black suit,

pull your hair into
that little twisty thing,

and they'll fall in love with
you and hire you on the spot.

There are 150 people applying
for one job in television.

Maybe.

But there's only one Carolina.

Towel.

Do you want to go to the movies tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night's
my date with Heath.

Hmm.

I know we met under unusual circumstances, but, uh,

I wanted to ask you out to dinner the moment I met you.

You did?

You were biting
your lower lip.

I was?

It was very, very sexy.

Are you for real?

I mean, are you just
randomly throwing out lines

or are you telling
the truth?

Um...

I guess I'm randomly
telling the truth.

So, um,
you're from London?

Tell me about that.

Oh, well, there's...Not much to tell.

Um, I have a younger sister, Sara,

my father's a banker.

My mother teaches English
at Oxford,

which is where I went to university.

And I played
on the cricket team.

Um, I'm an account executive at an advertising agency.

And I have an apartment in Paris.

Do you a wife and kids
somewhere?

I mean, even if
they are in Tulsa,

I would really like to know,
because...

Why are you staring at me?

Uh, no wife,
uh, no kids.

Where's Tulsa?

It's in Oklahoma.
It's a state.

Like Carolina
the state.

Yes, I was named
after a state.

My sisters, Georgia and Maine,
were also named after states,

whatever state my father
happened to be in

when we were born.

We were named
after postmarks.

Those are on postcards.

But...you don't want to
hear about that.

I don't?

No.

North or south?

What?

Carolina.

I had a wonderful time
tonight.

So did I...

Carolina, the state.

North or south.

Yep.

South.

Definitely south Carolina.

Are you sure...

You want to move in
with grandma?

Well, I can't raise
the baby by myself.

Look, you could
move in with me.

Oh, sweetie.

So super sweet,
but, you know,

the baby will have Maine to play with here.

Well, you know me, I like a lot of energy around me.

Well, you have told grandma
that you're pregnant, right?

Right?

Well, I'm ...
I'm still waiting

for the perfect time
to tell her.

Okay.
Back up. Back up.

Back in the car.

I'm bored.
We're going to the movies.

Come on.Why don't we help Georgia
unload the u-haul first?

Please, I don't wanna
do any work.

I want to go be entertained

by some black-and-white
piece of crap.

I'm off-duty
when I'm dreaming.

Ha! You smiling rat bastard,
you're gonna be dead soon!

Grandma, shh!
Public place.

Keep it down!

I want popcorn.

I'm not spending six bucks

on 20 cents' worth
of popcorn, honey.

I made this gumbo yesterday.
It's fresh.

You're gonna eat it,
and you're gonna be happy.

How are you feeling, Vince?I thought you were sick.

Well, ask her
where she was last night!

Come on!

The show's up there,
buddy.

I want popcorn.

Okay, stop, stop.

Vince, why didn't
you tell me

you've been working
hard at the bank...

Who'd you put out for,
Popsicle?

'Cause you sure as hell
can't act worth a lick.

Will you shut up?!

Listen, Sonny ...

Grandma, I'm pregnant.

Georgia,
now is not the time!

What?!

No, hold it.Hold it.

You hold it.

Well, thank you for revealing
that little tidbit

of information before
you unloaded the u-haul.

'Cause my child-rearing days are over, sunshine.

It's not gonna cost a thing.
I'm gonna breast-feed.

Can we talk about this in the lobby, please?

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your seat and keep your voice down.

Oh, w-what are you?I'm the manager, ma'am.

How old are you,
Mr. Manager?

20, ma'am.

Listen carefully.
You leave now.

I can't do that, ma'am.

You know,murder is a funny thing.

It happens to all sorts
of people

in all sorts of places.

Nobody's safe anymore,

even little snot-nosed, pudgy, theater managers

running up and down the aisle with a flashlight.

We never get to see the end of the movie when you come!

I'm gonna go
calm Maine down

and then I'm getting
Georgia's stuff to my house.

You think it's a good idea, do you?

Saddling yourself
with two kids

when you don't even have a job yourself.

Yes, I do.

I thought you'd be
on your horse.

I'm not in the mood.

Well, what about
your numbers?

I've only got
two numbers left.

Girls,
get your butts out here

and help Georgia
unload the damn u-haul.

She's pregnant,
for god's sake.

Come on,
get your butts out!

So I moved Georgia in.

And still she's gonna have a baby with no father around.

I can't believe that she’s gonna let history repeat itself like that.

She has her own free will.
She can do what she wants.

Yeah, but she's not even taking it seriously.

I mean, she doesn't think it’s a big deal.

So she's doing something
unexpected.

Yeah, unexpected.You can say that again.

You know, the problem
isn't her. It's you.

What?

Things don't always have to go
according to plan...

Your plan.

No.

Let go.

For god's sake, Carolina,
live a little!

Carolina Mirabeau...

Live a little.

♪ I saw

♪ Jesus by the car wash

♪ Near my house the other day

♪ I don't know
if it was real ♪

♪ but it made me feel okay

♪ everyone is looking
for a reason ♪

♪ to learn to live today

♪ whatever gets you
through the day ♪

♪ whatever gets you
through the night ♪

♪ whatever makes you
feel okay ♪

♪ whatever makes you
feel all right ♪

Happy birthday, Carolina.

It's my birthday.

♪ Happy birthday to yo-o-u

♪ Happy, happy,
happy birthday ♪

♪ whatever gets you
through the night ♪

♪ whatever makes you
feel okay ♪

♪ whatever makes you
feel all right ♪

Mmm.

What are you doing
for Christmas?

Okay.

All right?

Yes, you look lovely,
darling.

Come here.

Mmm.

You're gonna be late.
You're gonna be late.

Who cares?

I'm having fun.

Oh, Albert, come out here.I want you to meet somebody.

Hmm.

Hey.

Albert, Heath.

This is Albert Morris,
my neighbor...

My neighbor
and best friend.

Hi.
Heath pierson.

I've heard a lot
about you.

You have?

Well, I've heard
a lot about you, too.

Good, of course.

Did you get
my birthday card?

I left it on your doorstep.

Yes, thank you.

Did you read it?

I haven't gotten a chance
to open it yet.

No, of course.
You were busy.

Well, read the card,and if you're still interested,

let me know, okay?

So, what do you think? Thumbs up.

Hey, look, I should be off. Nice to meet you, Albert.

Yeah.

Uh, can we do that again,
please?

When we get to the piano
dynamic, keep it simple.

You think the musicians ever miss a note?

Of course.
Nobody's perfect.

That's why there's so many
of them up there.

Enjoy your present now.

They're all playing
for you.

Why don't you like him, Albert?You don't even know him.

I know him.

Now, he is perfect.

He's flawless-man.

Flawless body
without working out,

flawless smile.

Never runs out of gas,
never breaks a sweat.

Never says
the wrong thing.

Makes us ordinary guys
feel invisible.

You got all that
from one "hello"?

I'm a writer, remember?

I judge character faster
than a speeding bullet.

I thought
we didn't judge.

We judge, when
the rules are broken.

You slept with him last night on a second date at your house.

It breaks
every Carolina rule I know.

But I lived a little, Albert.I...

I want a normal,
available guy,

and I think I found one, and he makes me happy.

Anyone named Heath pierson
is not a normal guy.

I saw his car...

A Jaguar.

Again, not a normal guy.

I invited him
to Christmas dinner.

You did what?

Christmas dinner's
for family.

And what about you,
anyway?

I mean, you write about all this passion and romance,

and "my love for you
is endless."

When was the last time you went on a date?

As it so happens,
I do have a date.

Come on.
You do not, Albert.

I do, too.
Why is that so surprising?

A fourth date, in fact.
She's a writer.

And not another
"Daphne" writer,

but a "New York times"
bestseller writer.

We met at my publisher's
holiday party two weeks ago.

Enjoy the concert.

Again.
Nice and lyrical.

Four-bar phrases there.
Join in the fun.

A little more sound.

So you're telling me

you honestly
don't know what happened?

No, it's just
not like Albert.

Mm-hmm.

Is it hard work
being so dense, Carolina?

What is that
supposed to mean?

Why don't you take a ride
on Maine's horse

and see what comes up?

And you be careful.
That's my wedding China.

Why can't you just say what you mean?

All right.

Here's a thought.

Forget about Albert,
forget about Maine,

and forget about me,
for that matter.

What about you,
Carolina?

Why is your life so hard?

Makes me think you're living
somebody else's instead.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Tomorrow
is Christmas dinner,

and I want you there more than anyone else.

Well, shit!

Why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Aah!

Hi, you look nice.

Carolina.

Look at these plates.

Grandma lent them to me for Christmas.

All this time we've been using paper plates,

and here she had an entire set of China

stacked away in the cupboard.

Can you believe that?

Carolina?

Anyway, listen,i just want to apologize

for the Hollywood bowl
thing yesterday.

Carolina ...

You can date whoever.Or is it whomever?

Whatever, anyway, date who you want to date.

It's really none
of my business.

I'm just glad you're getting out there and taking chances.

And she's a writer,
a real writer.

Wow.

Carolina, she's here.

Debbie, this is Carolina,
my friend.

Carolina, this is Debbie.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Albert's told me
a lot about you.

Albert's told me
a lot about you, too.

I mean, he was just about to
tell me more than he has.

Like that you're...
Pretty and smart,

which you are obviously.

You look great.
You two look great...

Together.

A couple.

So where you guys going,
anyway?

To a Christmas Eve
service.

My mom and dad
and I go every year.

It's kind of
a family tradition.

Wow. Huh.

That's lovely.

All you lazy, good-for-nothing goldbrickers, dinner is served.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Grandma!

Doesn't it look great?

That bird looks good!

Wow!

Grandma, I told you not to bring anything.

How you gonna feed all these
people with one piddly bird?

Now, nobody eat.
Grandma's gotta pee.

She brought
her own Turkey.

I know.

I saw.

Albert.
Are you staying?

Of course.

What about Debbie?

She's with her parents.I'm gonna meet her after dinner.

I don't have
a name card for you.

That's okay.

I can remember
my own name.

Oh, here, sit there.

Aunt Marilyn
got arrested again.

Todd,
pass me the peas.

Aah!

Carolina, honey,
you're out of toilet paper.

Okay,who wants to say grace?

I do.

Oh, Albert, I love you
like a son, honey,

but you Jewish people,
you can't go and kill Christ

and then expect to have
a sit-down conversation
with him later.

Fine.

He's all yours.

I'll chat with him
over dessert.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Oh, go ahead.
Carry on.

Who's missing?

It was this big!

Everybody,
this is Heath.

Heath, everybody.

My family.

Sorry
I'm late, everyone.

Happy Christmas.

Wine!
How lovely.

I-I think I have an opener in the kitchen.

Who the hell is that?Language, girl.

No one knows who the hell it is.

A lot of people.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Your lipstick's smeared.

Thank you, Maine.

Grandma,
will you please say grace?

Mm-hmm.
Certainly.

Everyone bow their heads,
please.

Lord, bless my family.

Fill their bellies
and keep them warm and safe.

And now, lord,
let's get personal.

Please find Georgia a man

to daddy that young 'UN
that she's carrying.

Grandma. Give Maine
those lottery numbers

before she loses her virginity
on that rocking horse.

Lord, let my Teddy settle down
and plant some roots.

Look over my sister,
Marilyn,

who, bless her ignorant soul,
is back in jail again.

Enlighten her
about cellular telephones

and credit-card transactions,
both of which are traceable.

And finally, lord...

...bless my Carolina's heart,for she is the best part of me.

Amen.

Amen.

Daddy, I think you
should carve the Turkey.

Okay.

Looks like you've got yourself a dilemma, son.

I got...

Two fine-looking turkeys
in front of me here.

And I'm just one man.

I'd like to ask al
to give me a hand.

Aw, there you go!

Al?

Show 'em
how to do it, al!

I'll go get another knife.

All right, let's move
this Martha Stewart
shit out of the way

and take this Turkey down in front of you then, Theodore.

So, Maine, what kind of horses do you ride?

Dead ones.

Right. S-So you were
raised in Britain?

I was raised right
goddamn here.

Shh!
Language.

What happened to
your accent?

I'm over it.

Right.

No, no, everyone
has to pass to the right.

This way.

Over to the right.

Oh, congratulations
on the baby.

Where's the father-to-be?

Oh, one-night stand.

Daddy, um, Heath
works in advertising.

Oh, that's good work.

Have you, um, you done anything that I might know?

Well, my firm did those,uh, absolute vodka-themed ads.

You know, the... Bond, absolute bond.

Oh, yeah!

That was you?

So, um, what kind of work do you do, sir?

I'm a drunk.

It's been 30 days
since my last drink.

Daddy, really?

Big love, daddy!

It's only 30 days.

Oh!

Oh!

Why?!

Because if I leave her
home alone,

she's only gonna pee
on my shoes.

Did I tell you the one
about the time I found
Marilyn playing lollipop

with the reverend
under the table?

How about a different story,
grandma?

Okay.

Um...

Um...

Oh, hmm...

How about the time Marilyn
hit me upside the head

with an ax handle?

Mmm! Mnh-Mnh!
Yes, tell that one!

Yeah, how'd you get back at her? Right.

Now, even though I'm the oldest and Marilyn is the youngest,

she was always built like
a brick shithouse.

When she was 10,

she didn't have those
big boobs

like she's got now.

Well, she was
worried about that.

And there was this dance
coming up,

and so I said,
"well, Marilyn,

"what you gotta do is you gotta get some chicken manure.

"Chicken manure
spread on the boobies

will make them grow faster."

And so she did.

She spread this chicken manure and she rubbed.

And she rubbed and she rubbed.

And she rubbed for weeks.

Oh, it comes the time
for the dance.

She stank to high heaven.

And the flies were
swarming all over her.

She never hit me
upside the head

with that ax handle again.

Is that why aunt Marilyn'a a whore?

She's not a whore, honey.
She's a madam.

She's a madam 'cause she likes
money without taxation.

Anyone for eggnog?

Yeah, I'll have some.
Thanks, honey.

So, Heath, come over here,
honey, and sit down

and tell us
all about yourself.

Come on.

Actually, Mrs. Mirabeau,i have to leave, I'm afraid.

Another Christmas party.

One of those boring
office things.

Well, I don't think...

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure.

Well, did I tell you the one
about when I was pregnant?

Now, listen...

If you have to leave,
leave.

But first, can you
go back in there

and tell Carolina
how much meeting her
family has meant to you

and ... and how special
a day it was for you?

Can you do that?

Yeah, I can do that.

Can I ask you something?

Shoot.

You and Carolina?

Have you got a thing
going on?

No.

No thing.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

Good night, everyone.
We're off to the races.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh!

Ooh, Albert,you're quite the dancer.

Well...

I had a good time.

I did.

You got your wish.

Hmm?

But next Christmas is gonna be in my backyard again.

You got it?

I do.

It's a lot harder
than I thought
it was gonna be.

You make it look
very easy.

Thank you.

I love you,
you know.

I love you, too,
pet.

Uh, that Heath person of yours ...

Nice boy.

Isn't he, though?

But stiffer than a preacher’s dick at a wedding.

Night, punkin.

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey.

I, um, forgot to give you
my Christmas present.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Open 'em.

Merry Christmas!

We're the cleaning queens
of west Hollywood.

Are you ready?
5, 6, 7, 8.

♪ Dusting and sweeping
and scrubbing with comet ♪

♪ we'll clean your mess up
from bloodstains to vomit ♪

♪ the swiffer ♪ the hoover

♪ I'm good with a hose

♪ smells can't outrun us

♪ 'cause I'm good
with my nose ♪

♪ get the stains out

♪ scrub that tile grout

♪ use deep-cleaning foam

♪ we'll pass the red-glove test in no time at all ♪

We'll even fêng shui
your home.
Mm-hmm.

♪ The cleaning queens oh!

Oh, that was great. I just heard a class ring
fall out.

So, leave the dishes
to the experts

and come with me.

What is it?

Oh, new "Daphne" galleys.
Let me see.

You put your own name
on a "Daphne" book?

It's not a "Daphne" book.

It's my book.

Here, if you...Turn the page, there.

"For Carolina."

Albert, that's...

I think I'm gonna cry.

I've been writing it
on and off

for about a year now.

It's about us, really.

I mean, sort of.
I mean, it ...

It's inspired by us.

Is it...Bad?

No.

It's ... it ...

It's, uh...

It's a love story,
Carolina.

It's everything I’ve been afraid to say,

everything that I feel about you.

Albert...
Oh, my god.

I mean, me and Debbie,you and Heath ...

T-They're great people, yeah,but they're not our people.

Carolina...

This isn't hard.

We were friends first,

which is
what's gonna make us last.

I think I better go check on the cleaning crew.

Oh.

Please don't
walk out that door.

This is all so sudden.

I ... you tell me that
you wrote a book about us

and that you want us...

That's not fair, really.

I should have known.
I should have known.

This is what you do with every guy that you meet.

But...

The joke's on me,
isn't it?

Because I thought
I was different.

You are different.

You can't just
spring this on me.

I don't know what to say.

You just said it.

Why aren't you out with Heath
on new year's Eve, Carolina?

He didn't call.

What about Albert?

What do you want to
wear tonight?

Mm-mm.
You decide.

Is Ernie
still married?

The zipper's busted.

Of course
Ernie's married.

How come you're dating
a married man?

Grandma skips
that commandment, Maine.

That's a good one.

Thank you, honey.

Now, you know,
after a while you learn

that the rules of the world
don't have to apply to you.

You think about it.

It's all nonsense.

Hmm?

It is.

We're here.
We die.

Now, when I met
your grandpa Herschel,

we was both 15.

He could drink
a whole, entire bottle of soda

and never take a breath.

And he had very clean
fingernails,

so I married him.

And when he died,
my true love died.

Soured me on my home.

So me and my boy, Teddy,
we come west.

And...

Here I am,
a single grandma.

And whenever I need a man,
I got Ernie.

We have an understanding
between us.

And, girls,
that is a lot in this world.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

Thank you for making me
so presentable

on new year's Eve.

Evening, Millie.

Evening, Ernie.
Thank you.

Yeah.

My, you look nice
tonight.

Okay, thank you.

That's a beautiful dress you have on, Millie.

Thank you.

Now, remember...

God said "celebrate,"not "celibate."

Oh, let me get that.

Thanks, Ernie.

See you.Bye.

Bye!

So, what do you guys
want to do on new year's Eve?

Get drunk and watch
the ball drop.

What else?

Sounds good.

What's "celibate"?

Peekaboo!

♪ And do, do, do-do

okay!

Aah!

♪ The night
can seem to last forever ♪

♪ convince you you'll never
see the morning sun ♪

♪ shining like
a long-lost friend ♪

♪ but in time,
the dawn will appear ♪

♪ and take away your fear

♪ open up the sky and open up your heart again ♪

♪ when the morning comes,
the sun's gonna shine ♪

♪ it'll take us back
to a better time ♪

♪ when the morning comes

♪ we'll be looking
at a brighter day ♪

♪ I know

♪ it's hard to believe
that we can live the dream ♪

♪ the dream that's
in our hearts ♪

♪ that we thought
was so far away ♪

♪ and if we try...

A boy, but I had a dream last night it was a girl,

so maybe I’m just having twins.

♪ To a happy-ever-after

well, if you ...If you have a girl or a boy,

you could still
use this, right?

Well, it has ...
Here's what I mean ...

It has, like, rockets
and cars and stuff.

And I'm a girl.
I like rockets and cars.

And it has stars.

16, 9, 4, and 27.

16.

26!

26.

♪ A brighter day-ay-ay

Oh, there are tons of Jewish rock stars.

No, wait. Okay.

Name one.
Name two.

All right.

You know Bob Dylan's
Jewish, right?

Right. Uh,
twisted sister.

He's ... you know, they have this, like, really long hair

and all these piercings and stuff.

They sometimes
still come by.

And, uh...

Here you go, hon.

Where's Albert?

We've missed your faces around here.

Thanks, it's ...
It's nice to be missed.

Is this seat taken?

H-How did you find me?

I stopped by your apartment yesterday,

but you weren't there.

Then Albert told me
you come here

every Monday morning
for pancakes.

So you saw Albert?

Mmm.

Can I sit down?

I'm sorry for not returning your calls, Carolina.

Yeah.

Well,
we sleep together,

and you don't call me
for five months.

That's pretty typical
around these parts.

I had to go back to England and hold a few hands.

To be honest...I sort of got cold feet.

But look, I brought you something by way of atonement.

Well, open it.

Your station is one
of our clients

and I made a few calls.

You got me my job back?

Uh-huh.

Wow.

That is real...
Prince charming kind of stuff.

To the rescue
and all that.

But?

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have invited
you to Christmas dinner.

It was too soon to throw you
into the Mirabeaus like that.

It's just I was feeling
so sure of myself.

The thing is...

I was trying to force someone ... you ... into my life.

And it's like you're

this beautiful,
expensive Italian suit,

and I just don't have
the faintest idea where
I'm gonna wear you.

It ...

M-Me and my family...
They're all that I have.

And...

We're just
not suit people.

That's the first time I’ve ever been called an Italian suit.

But I-I think I know what you're saying.

It's funny.

I always thought of myself as this, uh, great communicator.

I mean, advertising and all that, but, uh,

I sort of blew it
with you...

This time.

Didn't I?

Aaaah!

Owwww!

Aaaah!

Breathe slow.
Breathe slow.

Slow, out.

Aah!that's the way
I did it.

I know what you’re going through. Slow in.

Now, sweetheart, you're
gonna have to push harder.

Wait. Wait,
wait, I got some help.

Very good.
Something's crowning.

Here, here, here, here. Oh, here it comes.

Here. Bite!
Bite hard!

What is that?!

That was
the doggie treat.

One more good push.

I can't!

All right, all right,
all right. Come here.

Come here!
Now, listen to me.

I'm your grandmother.
You hearing me?

Now, you breathe deep
and you push hard.

You push and you push!

You push harder,
harder, harder, harder,

or I'm gonna go down there
and get a plunger

and suck that baby
out of you!

Aaaah!

Okay.
All right.

Open up!Aaaah!

I know, I know.

Aw, he's so cute.

Aw!

He's such a beautiful
baby boy!

I'm gonna name him
California...

Cal for short.

Georgia, you look just like a fairy Princess.

Now, just give me
a little look at this.

I want to see you
close up.

Oh!

Oh, he's so precious.

Hey, something wrong
with his eyes.

Um...

You know,
they're crooked.

Georgia peach...

You been eating
too many egg rolls?

Oh, there you go,
honey.

Easy there.

Oh, I'm just so glad you could make it, son.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I had an a.A. Meeting.

Oh, why don't you just shovel your sorry ass elsewhere,

'cause we are full.

I had a meeting...

Shut!

...mother.

California Theodore
Mirabeau.

That's his name,
lord help him.

You were called
22 hours ago,

and that girl still named her baby after you.

Now, how much of that AA crap you gonna do

before you realize how much life you are missing?

You want the card,
mother?

Aw, he's so cute!

All I've done is screw up
you girls' lives, haven't I?

You could...Try harder.

Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday.

What day should I buy
my ticket?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday.

Today, tomorrow,
day after tomorrow.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday.

Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday.

Thursday, Thursday!
Friday, Friday!

Friday, Friday...
Today!

Going to school.

Bye!

Good breasts, good boobs,you know?

That's what I like.

Hello?

Carolina...

I need you to go to the bookstore.

Uh, okay.
I'll go tonight.

Mnh-Mnh.you'll go today, 3:00.

I'm working all day,
grandma.

For once in your life, you do what I tell you.

My book comes in
at 3:00 P.M. today

at that bookstore
that you like.

They won't hold it a moment after that, honey.

I don't know, there's some kind of run going on it.

All right, all right, I'll go.
I'll get it for you.

Bye-bye, honey.

Emily, what's the deal with the candy bars? Pregnant?

All right.
See you.

Next.

One ticket.

You got I.D.?

No I.D., no 24 million.

I must play.
This is the week.

The horse told me so.

You listen to me,
scumbucket!

That horse shuddered me.
These are the winning numbers.

They're going to win today,

and you're going to
sell me a ticket.

Right now!

No I.D., no ticket.

Aaaah!

Next.

Hi, Ernie.

Why ain't she
in school?

She tried to buy a lottery ticket at the liquor store.

That didn't work,
so she came to me,

asked me to do it
for her.

Did you buy her
the ticket, Ernie?

Considering how she looked,i thought it would be better

if I brought her home to you first,

see what you wanted
me to do.

Thank you for that.

Call me if you need me,Millie.

I'll call you
if I need you, Ernie.

Maine!

You said I had to know the day!

Today the horse's spirit
entered me,

and today was the day I was supposed to win $24 million!

Honey, that is crazy.

I'm not crazy!

Why don't
you believe me?

Honey, okay.

Okay. Okay, baby.
Come on, sit down.

Why don't
you believe me?Sit down.

Sit down!

Now, listen to me.

It's not about me
believing you.

It isn't.

It ... it's about where
you put your dreams, honey.

Now, I'm not asking you
to be a normal child,

'cause that's not
the Mirabeau way.

I'm just asking that you be
a little bit smarter

about your crazy side,
okay?

Okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's my baby.

Uh-huh.

Good girl.

Hi, do you have a book on hold for Mirabeau?

You know,
he's here right now.

The author.
He's giving a reading.

I'm going to
the market, girls.

You take care of my little baby, my little sweetheart.

Maine...

No more trips to liquor stores dressed up like a harlot.

You understand me?

I'll keep
an eye on her.

Okay.

"Carolina stood up naked
out of the tub

"and asked for a towel.

"Looking at the floor,
he held one open,

"and as she moved into it,

"her forehead came to rest
on his right shoulder.

"Water from her hair
stained his shirt...

"And chilled his skin.

"Her face was now
so close to his

"that she looked distorted,

"and it came as
a terrible surprise

that he loved her even
more at this proximity."

"He realized, however,
that to her,

he would never be more
than a close friend..."

Hello? "And later,
alone in his apartment..."

Maine.
No, not now.

I'm ... I'm busy.

Mai...

Maine,
s-stop crying, honey.

"Sitting on a chair..."

Let me talk
to the police.

Excuse me, um...

I'm Carolina Mirabeau.

I-I was brought here ...

I was told that...

My grandmother died
in a car accident.

Mirabeau.

Have a nice day.

Next.

Hi, I'm here to pick up

my grandmother's things
from her car.

It's the red chevelle.

Millicent Mirabeau
was her name.

Here's my I.D.

That'll be $128.

What?

$128.

Tow, tax,
storage, release.

Fine. Okay.

Here.

Don't take credit.

Don't take checks.

Cash only.

A-All right,
I'll bring cash tomorrow.

Just give me
her things, please.

Well, I can't do that.

All I want is her stuff.

I ... she was killed
yesterday.

Doesn't that
mean anything to you?

Well, I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am,

but, uh, I'm running
a business here.

Sir, this is not about
your business!

This is about
someone's life, okay?

Give me that!

Whoa!

You bastard!

This is not ...

How dare you! Those are
my grandmother's things!

Give that to me!
Jesus!

Those are
my grandmother's things!

Those are not yours,
those are mine!

I...never got to say goodbye.

Thank you.

Your daddy wasn't always
a drunk, you know.

He took good care
of you girls...

Right up until the time
that your mama passed.

Yeah, I know all that,aunt Marilyn.

She died and then
he started drinking.

Yeah.

But, baby...

It's the part
before that...

That nobody ever
told you about.

Mainly because...

Well, grandma told me
that she'd...

Toss me into a vat
of chicken manure if I did.

Your grandma
saved your life.

What?

Well, you see...

Your mama
had rich parents.

So when they learned that
your mama got knocked up...

They took her straight
to the abortion clinic.

See, your grandma
had a different view.

She marched
right into that place

like a fiery-winged banshee
from hell.

Now, that's my boy's baby
in there,

and it's gonna get born

if I have to shoot
every last one of y'all.

Outside, Missy.

Out.

Sure as shit's quiet
around here without her,

ain't it?

It's okay, Cal.

It's okay.
See?

And now,
the winning lottery numbers.

4.

27.

27.

7.

7.

16.

16.

9.

9.

26.

And 26.

Good luck, everyone. It's a big one.

Hey, hey, hey,
California,

wow, tonight's jackpot
is huge.

I hope you got
your lucky picks here,

'cause here we go.

Those were my numbers.

"Dear grandma Mirabeau,
it's time to come clean.

"I'm Daphne St. Claire.

"Yep, me.

"I didn't tell you at first
because your comments

"were always so refreshing.

"I hope you like this book.

"There's a lot of talking,

"but there's a lot
of loving in it, too.

"Take care of her for me.

Albert."

I have something
for you.

What is it?

Open it and find out.

Are those
lottery tickets?

They were
in grandma's car...

In the glove compartment.

She was playing
my numbers?

Yep.

Every day.

Well, did grandma play them the day of the accident?

The day that
Maine's numbers won?

No.

That means
it was my fault.

She was driving to the store
to play my numbers.

It was not your fault,
Maine.

It was the drunk driver
who ran a red light's fault.

She believed in you.

That's why she played
your numbers.

Are you sad you didn't win the money?

No.

It probably would've
ruined my life.

Money does that,
you know?

What's important
is that I was right.

And I'm not going crazy,

because I was right
about my numbers.

I was right.

Hello, this is Albert. I'm out of town on a book tour.

Please leave a message.

Albert...

Grandma died.

Thank you for coming.

Of course.

I just wish that I'd known earlier.

I'm so sorry I missed the funeral.

Maine cussed out
the minister

for calling her Millie
instead of grandma.

I got the letter
you sent to her.

Albert ...

Carolina ...Wait, wait, wait.
Let me finish.

I know I had this image
in my head of the perfect guy.

But it was just an image,
it wasn't a face.

You are the face.

Your usual.

Save. Save. Save.

Where's your hookers?

Oh, they're gonna
be here soon, honey.

Why?

I just read
"lady Chatterley's lover."

I think
I have some questions.

Oh, you do, do you?

I think he wants
his daddy.

How you doin'?

Chang moved in
last week.

Oh, welcome!

Oh, what a lovely
little fur person!

And it's a line drive out...

Hey!
Oh!

Hey, Cal!

Hello, booby!

Hey!

Hey, you know
who's playing?

Huh?

You know, I, um, quit my job at "the perfect date."

Really?

Do you, um, do you have
something else?

Yeah, I'm working on a new cable show ...

Making documentaries,doing research and stuff.

Oh, wow!

Oh, that's great.
Congratulations, Carolina.

Yeah, I like it.
I like it a lot.

What are you doing here?

Your grandma always asked me here, and...

Well, a little late,but, um, but here I am.

Okay.

Okay.

I think we're ready.

Who will carve
the Turkey?

I will.

Well, who's gonna
say grace?

Bow your heads.

As grandma would say...

Lord, bless this family.

Fill their bellies
and keep them safe and warm.

Thank you for giving Georgia
and Chang a perfect baby,

crooked eyes and all.

Thank you for not making
Maine too normal.

Thank you for taking care
of grandma.

She can make your life hell,
but nobody loved us better.

And now, lord ...

Let's get personal.

I've eaten Thanksgiving dinner in the backyard of this house

for the last three years,

and I plan on doing it for the next 50.

♪ You make my words
into a song ♪

♪ you make my daylight
out of dawn ♪

♪ you're like
the choir singing ♪

♪ oh, let it be ♪

♪ you are the best part of me

♪ you're where I end
and where I start ♪

♪ you are the postmark
on my heart ♪

♪ you're all the rivers flowing into the sea ♪

♪ you are the best part of me

♪ you are the best part of me

♪ when all your dreams

♪ and all of your wishes

♪ finally turn out right

♪ the in-betweens
and all the near-misses ♪

♪ slowly fade from sight

♪ you are the puzzle piece
I missed ♪

♪ you are the plot
without a twist ♪

♪ all this and more of what
I thought it would be ♪

♪ you are the best part of me

♪ you are the best part of me

♪ all of my life
never seemed empty ♪

♪ until you came into view

♪ that's when I found
how loneliness left me ♪

♪ now everything's brand-new

♪ yours is the hand
inside of mine ♪

♪ yours is the love
I swore I'd find ♪

♪ you answered softly
my unspoken plea ♪

♪ you are the very best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the very best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ the very best part of me

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ the very best part of me

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the very best part
of me ♪

♪ You are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ the very best part of me

♪ you are the best part
of me ♪

♪ you are the very best part
of me ♪