Carnal Knowledge (1971) - full transcript

The concurrent sexual lives of best friends Jonathan and Sandy are presented, those lives which are affected by the sexual mores of the time and their own temperament, especially in relation to the respective women who end up in their lives. Their story begins in the late 1940s when they are roommates attending Amherst College together. Both virgins, they discuss the type of woman they would each like to end up with. Sandy, the more sensitive of the two, meets Susan at a mixer, she who he believes is going to be the one to who he will lose his virginity. Sandy goes through the process methodically, taking into account what he thinks Susan wants, but without much true passion or romance. Jonathan, the more sexually aggressive of the two, ends up losing his virginity first to "Myrtle", who ends up being a steady but hidden girlfriend. Based on what each knows of the other's relationship, both Jonathan and Sandy strive for a little more of what the other has. These relationships also set the tone for all the relationships they will have in the future. Through their lives, they always seem not totally satisfied with their relationship at the time, still pining for what the other has. This view may change as they and their friendship hits middle age, when Sandy is with a domineering woman named Cindy, while Jonathan is with model/actress Bobbie, whose life goes spiraling downward because of her relationship to Jonathan and despite her beauty which on the surface offered so much opportunity for her. Jonathan's sexual trajectory, directed through these experiences, ends up in a manner he probably did not foresee happening.

If you had a choice...


Would you rather love a girl
or have her love you?

I'd want it mutual.

I mean, if you couldn't have it mutual.

You mean, would I rather be the one
who loves or is loved?


It's not that easy a question.

I think I'd rather be in love.

Me too.

I wouldn't want to get hurt, though.

You're in love with Gloria.

I was starting to be
in love with her.

Then she let me feel her up
on the first date.

Turned me right off.

You kept going with her, though.

Well, she let me feel her up.

What about Gwen?

Her, I could talk to.

I've never been able to talk
to any girl.

I was really getting crazy
about her.

But she's stuck up.
Wouldn't let me lay a hand on her.

So I went back to Gloria.

- Well, you want perfection.
- What do you want, wise guy?

She just has to be nice,
that's all.

You wouldn't want her beautiful?

She doesn't have to be

- I would like her built, though.
- I want mine sexy-looking.

I wouldn't want her to look
like a tramp.

Sexy doesn't mean
she has to look like a tramp.

There's a middle ground, you know?

I would want that, yeah.


Very tall.

That would scare me.

She should be very understanding.

We start the same sentences together.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Big tits.

- Yeah, but still a virgin.
- I don't care about that.

Come on.

I wouldn't mind if she was
a little ahead of me.

With those big tits.

Knew hundreds of different ways.

I want more of a companion.

The other stuff I can get
on the outside.

The first time I do it,
I want it beautiful.

I don't want to waste it
on some beast.

I feel the same way about getting laid
as I feel about going to college:

I'm being pressured into it.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

I give her to you.

What's wrong with her?

- I'm a generous guy.
- Yeah, I'm grateful.

How do I break the news to her?

- You go over there.
- Yeah?

There's a way to talk to girls,
you know.

- Tell her a joke.
- What joke?

Tell her about
your unhappy childhood.

- That's not bad.
- But don't make it like an act.


Go ahead.

Go ahead, schmuck.

If you don't, I will.


You can't even stand up.

I fucked up.

It's my turn.

What do you mean, it's your turn?
She's mine. You gave her to me.

- You struck out.
- I get two more times at bat.

This is the first time
I've ever been to a college mixer.

- Me too. I hate them.
- I hate them too.

Such a phony way of meeting people.

Everybody puts on an act.

So even if you meet somebody,
you don't know who you meet.

- 'Cause you're meeting the act.
- That's right, not the person.

- I'm not sure I agree.
- With what?

- With what you said.
- No, I don't either.

You don't agree with what you said?

How do you feel about it?

I think people only like to think
they're putting on an act.

But it's not an act. It's really them.
If they think it's an act...

they feel better because they think
they could always change it.

You mean, they're kidding themselves
because it's not really an act.

Yes, it is an act, but they're the act.
The act is them.

But if it's them,
how can it be an act?

- 'Cause they're an act.
- But they're also real.

- No.
- You mean, I'm not real?

- No.
- I'm an act.

It's all right.
I'm an act too.

Don't you behave differently
with different people?

- No.
- With your family?

I thought you meant different people.

- Well, sure, with my family.
- With your friends you're another way.

- Well, sure, with my friends.
- With your teachers you're another way.

So which one is you?

Well, when you put it that way.

You ought to be a lawyer.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

A lady lawyer.

You're from Smith, right?

- Uh-huh.
- Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it all right.
Do you like Amherst?

Sure, why shouldn't I?

My parents worked very hard
to send me.

I better like it.

- Do you have a name or something?
- Susan.

I'm Sandy.

- I think you can make out with her.
- You think so?

She's stuff.

You think so?

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

I shouldn't try
somebody else, though?


She was the best looking girl
at the whole mixer.

I'll say that for her.

Wasn't she?

Her tits were too small.

Yeah, I was thinking that.
The hell with her.

But her legs were great.

You think so?

Standing so close,
I really couldn't tell about her legs.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

She's got some funny ideas.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Don't rush me, please.

What's the matter?
I like you very much, Susan.

It's our third date.

- I like you too.
- You let me kiss you last week.

And this week.

If I could kiss you once last week,
I should be able to kiss you...

at least twice tonight.


You're the only boy I know
that I can talk to.

I can't see you being quiet
for any guy.

Not quiet, but if you know somebody's
not going to approve of what you are--

- Whatever that is.
- Whatever that is.

Well, you just don't tell him.

If I like a boy, and I want him
to keep liking me...

and I'm brighter than he is, I have to
not show it or I'll lose him...

so it's hard.

Well, I wouldn't want anyone
overly bright.

Yeah, but you wouldn't
feel threatened.

- I might be bothered a little.
- I don't think you would...

nearly as much as some people.

For instance, someday
I want to write novels.

Not now, but later on
when I have something to say.

Now, that doesn't threaten you,
does it?


Maybe a little.

Don't press so hard.

See, it's better when it's gentle.


What are you grinning at?

You feel her up yet?

Come on. I like this girl.
I don't want to ruin things.

Was I right about kissing her?

Listen, we had a big fight over it.

- And you won!
- I don't know if I won or not.

Why do you let yourself
be pushed around?

You're the one
who's pushing me around!

I guess I won. Sure I won.

She kissed me five times.

Now, that's when you should've put
your hand on her tit.

Come on, when this girl's nice enough
to kiss me, I should do that to her?

You act as if
she's doing you a favor.

Well, it is sort of a favor,
isn't it?

I mean, when a girl lets you kiss her
and, you know, go on from there--

feel her up and the rest of it--

go all the way and the rest of it--

I mean, isn't it a favor?

What's in it for her
if she's not getting paid or anything?

Fuck you.

Okay, okay, I'll feel her up.

Sandy, please take your hand
off my breast.

- Why?
- 'Cause I want you to.

How could it be fun
if you know I don't want it?

I didn't say it was fun.

Then why is your hand where it is?

Because the way we're going,
by this time I should be feeling you up.

I don't feel that way
about you, Sandy.

I feel that way about you.

You want me to feel something
for you too, don't you?

- I thought you liked me.
- I do like you.

But I like you for other reasons.



if we went any further,
there wouldn't be those reasons anymore.

- We might have something else, though.
- What?

Something else.

You're the first girl
I've ever done that to, Susan.

I didn't know that.

- It doesn't show?
- No.

Well, it's something
we both have to go through, I guess.

Susan, are you a virgin?

What do I do with my other hand?

What are you gonna do
with your hands?

And then what?

- She told me to let go of her breast.
- What did you do?

- I said I didn't want to.
- Then what?

She said how could it be fun for me
when she didn't like it.

Oh, Jesus.

- I said, "I thought you liked me."
- Yeah?

She said,
"I like you for other reasons."

- Other reasons?
- I told her how I really needed this.

- What did you tell her?
- You know, that it was my first time.

Your first time what?
What did you say exactly?

I don't remember exactly.

That she was the first girl
I ever tried to feel up.

- You told her that?
- Was it a mistake?

- I wouldn't.
- Then she got nicer to me.

- What do you mean, "nicer"?
- She put my hand on her breast.

You mean, you put it on,
she left it there.

No, she picked it up and put it on.

She took your hand like this...

and put it on like this?

That's right.
So I didn't know what to think.

You didn't, huh?

From just wanting to be friends,
she's suddenly getting aggressive.

Yeah, then what?

- I asked her if she was a virgin.
- You're kidding.

Was that a mistake?

- Anyhow, she is.
- She says.

So now you've got what? One hand
or two hands on her tits?

By this time she's put
the other hand on the other one.

She put both hands on?
Two hands?

So I said, "What are you gonna do
with your hands?"

- You didn't say that.
- It just came out.

Yeah? Then what?

Oh, let's see if I got this.
She unzipped my fly.

Bullshit artist! Then what?

- Then what?
- Then she did it.

Did what?

Bullshit artist!
She really did that?

- She did that?
- Yeah.

Hello, is this Susan?

You don't know me.
I'm a friend of Sandy's.

His roommate.

Yeah. Jonathan.
He told you about me?

Yeah. So, uh...

I'm just here at Smith
for tonight...

practically on campus.

I was just taking a drive,
you know...

and I found myself
practically on campus.

- How do you like Smith?
- What's your major?

Where did you go to high school?

What are you doing this summer?

Do you always answer a question
with a question?

Do you always date
your best friend's girlfriends?

Sandy told me you were beautiful.

He told me you were sexy.
I guess he's just a poor judge.

I guess he meant
you had personality.

Good grief!

You have a special quality.
I like girls who are special.

I'm hardly that special.

Some people you can tell about
right away.

Most girls I talk to, it's like
we're spies from foreign countries...

and we're speaking in code.

Everything means something else.

Like I say,
"Would you like to take a walk?"

and it means something else.

And she says, "I can't.
I've got a French test tomorrow,"

and it means something else.

And you say, "I'll come over and help
you study," and it means something else.

You're very sharp.
I like that.

And that means something else.

- You're too sharp.
- Does that bother you?

- It interests me.
- Is that more code?

- We'd be good together.
- I'm dating your best friend.

- He won't mind.
- How do you know?

I won't tell him.

What if I mind?

You want to go out Friday?

I'm seeing Sandy.


I have a date.

- Sunday?
- I'm seeing my folks.

Where do they live?

- Newton.
- Sunday night?

I'll be too tired.

I'll help you get over your folks.

How about it, Susan?
What are you so afraid of?

Not you.

I think I'm in love.

Bullshit artist.

I really think so.

You get in yet?

What's that got to do with it?

How do you know if you don't know
how you are in bed together?

That's not everything.

It's a lot.

She tells me thoughts I didn't even
know I had until she tells them to me.

It's unbelievable.
I can talk to her.

You can talk to me too.
Are you in love with me?

I can say things to her
I wouldn't dare say to you.

- What, for instance?
- Things you'd laugh at.

Listen, I'm laughing now.

She thinks I'm sensitive.


Sensitive? Oh, boy!

What do you talk
to her about? Flowers?

- Books.
- Books.

You phony.

- I read more books than you do.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna start.

I'm reading The Fountainhead.

- The Fountainhead? What's that?
- It's her favorite book.

You ever hear of Jean Christophe?

- What's that?
- It's a classic, you moron.

I'm gonna read it
right after The Fountainhead.


You ever read Guadalcanal Diary
by Richard Tregaskis?

- No.
- That was a best-seller, and I read it.

You ever read Gentleman's Agreement
by Laura Z. Hobson?

You ever read A Bell for Adano
by John Hersey?

I'm gonna read everything
from now on.

I read more than you do,
so who's the one who's sensitive?

You or me?
Come on.

Who's sensitive?

I've had a very messed up childhood.

- What does your father do?
- He fails.

- It's not funny.
- I'm sorry.

Were you very poor?

My father couldn't
hold on to a job.

He kept giving me advice.

The more he failed,
the more advice I got.

He's a communist, my father.

We're Republicans.

Sometimes I think
I'm a communist, though.

Me too.

We have so much,
and other people have, you know...

so little.

After I get set up as a lawyer...

what I'd really like to do
is go into politics...

public service.

What really gets me is
I was too young to fight in the war...

because what was that all about
except to prove...

that if everybody pitches in...

the plain people have a chance?

So, even though
I'm the first in my family...

to get an education...

I don't ever want to forget
where I came from.

You're a lot more serious
than I thought.

I know.

- Where'd you meet her?
- I'm another person with her.

You wouldn't recognize me.
The things that come out of my mouth.

Boy, she really sounds like something.
Is she built?

She's got a quality.

She doesn't talk much...

but the things she says
are so sharp.

We should double-date sometime.


I want to know her a little better,
you know, before we double-date.

Gee, isn't it great? A month ago,
neither of us even knew a girl.

What's her name?


Bullshit artist!

You're kidding me!

You're not kidding me!
You really did it!

You bastard!

Finally, a girl puts out!

Next it's my turn.

- I don't think she'll do it.
- She will.

- I've just been taking it easy on her.
- Believe me. Find somebody else.

Are you crazy?
When I'm right on the verge?

I see her tomorrow night.

- Sandy?
- Yeah.

You ever talk to her about me?

Yeah, sure. Sometimes.

- Do me a favor, will you?
- What?

Don't tell her I got laid.

Please, Susan.

Sometimes I want to do it, and
a second later I don't want to do it.

Let's do it.

I don't know why
you put up with me.

I don't think I can do it.

That really hurts, Susan.

- Let me--
- Not anymore.

- Please, Sandy.
- Not anymore.

Susan, let's do it.

I love you.

Do you have anything?

- How long have you had that?
- Not too long.

Not a year or anything?

I'm sure it's okay.

- I don't want to take any chances.
- These things have to be okay.

It's okay.

I'm positive it's okay.

It's as if you're the first guy
in history who ever got laid.

I'm the first guy in my history
who ever got laid.

I like it too,
but you don't hear me crowing about it.

There's such a thing
as good taste, you know.

- What's the matter with you?
- Jesus!

After you started scoring,
what did I get out of you?

We did it standing, sitting,
in the car, under the car--

Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle.

Maybe you forget, but I knew Susan
before you knew Myrtle.

And who scored first? You.
That didn't make me feel good, you know.

In fact, it made me feel
very jealous.

But did I try to shut you up? Did I say,
"I'm tired of hearing about it already"?

I didn't say it because I'm your friend,
so I sat through it.

- Okay, okay. You made your point.
- Jesus.

Sometimes I think I'm a better friend
to you than you are to me.

Didn't you ever do that?

Of course, I knew
what the word "misled" meant.

I just didn't know
how to pronounce it.

So when I finally saw it in print,
I thought it was "myzled".

You know, I've been "myzled".

I kept wondering, what does
this word mean, "myzled"?

Sexy. Let's "myzle".

Has anybody ever heard of
"Round John Virgin"?

- One of the guys in Robin Hood.
- That's Little John.

- What did you say? "Round John"?
- "Round John Virgin."

Is that in Falstaff?

"Round John Virgin, mother and child."

"Round John Virgin mother"?

Holy infant so tender and mild

- Oh, there's "gunshee."
- "Gunshee"?


- Gun-shy.
- I always thought it was "gunshee."

Susan, do the one about the bear.
You'll love this, Jonathan.

Oh, yeah, the hymn we used to sing
in church about the bear--

- About the bear with crossed eyes?
- You're kidding me.

- Whose name was Gladly?
- Gladly the bear?

Don't you know it?
"Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear"?

"Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."
Oh, "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

All right. Pronounce this.



This has to stop.

I don't know how to tell him.

You don't have any trouble
telling him a lot of other things.

- What does that mean?
- The way you talk to him.

I don't ever hear you talking
to me that way.

What way?

I don't know.

He's very vulnerable.
I don't want to hurt him.

You're hurting me.

He loves me.

That's no reason
to go to bed with him.

You would have just gone on,
wouldn't you, if he hadn't told me.

I don't know.

I would've never known
a thing about it.

I don't know. Maybe.

Boy, you're really something.

I don't feel like something.

I feel like nothing.

How much longer do you expect me
to take this?

- I'm trying to tell him.
- I see how you're trying.

It's not my fault.
I don't enjoy these fights.

Listen, it's me you're supposed
to be in love with.

- I'm gonna tell him.
- What?

- I'm gonna tell him about you and me.
- No, Jonathan.

Why don't you give me some of
the understanding that you give to him?

You're stronger.

You tell him everything else.
You can tell him about us.

What do you mean, I tell him everything?
Who says so?

He tells me.
He's my best friend.

Are you gonna tell him?

He's so helpless.

Susan, I love you.

Why can't you be more with me
like you are with Sandy?

She says she's no good for me.

Maybe she's trying
to let you down easy.

Go ahead and laugh.
It adds up.

Go ahead and laugh.

You don't know every mood of mine
like you know every mood of his.

- How come?
- I don't know.

You don't tell me thoughts
I never knew I had.

Did he say I do that?
Then I guess I must.

- You do it, so do it with me.
- I can't.

You can do it with him, you can do it
with me. Now, tell me my thoughts.

- I can't!
- Why can't you?

I can't with you.

- This has gone far enough.
- I cannot stand any more ultimatums.

This is my last one.
Now, tonight, you tell him about us...

or tomorrow, I tell him.

Look at me, Susan!

Now, tell me my goddamned thoughts!


You didn't do it, did you?

- No.
- Why not?

He looks at me with such trust.

How do I look at you?

- With bitterness.
- It used to be trust.

At least you know my thoughts.

- Did you tell him?
- What do you think?

So what do we do now?

I don't know.
I guess I get an ultimatum.

Do you think
there's any sense in this?

In what?

In you and me.

- That's up to you.
- No, it's up to you.

I don't see any point in it.

I wish I were wrong.

I don't feel anything anymore.

Neither do I.

The reason I didn't say
anything to Sandy...

I knew he wouldn't believe me.

And I'd go into detail
so he would have to believe me.

And I knew
he'd come running to you...

and I knew you'd tell him
everything I said was true...

and I knew then
you'd go to bed with him.

Yeah, that sounds like
what would happen.



I'll always be your friend.

Jesus, Susan, I hope not.

- It's going to be buggy.
- It's not gonna be buggy.

It's the tropics. What do you mean?
It's the jungle.

You can't cover yourself
from head to toe.

- I'll get eaten alive.
- You don't know what it's like.

You've never camped out before.
Isn't he being silly, Jonathan?

- I am not.
- Are too.

- You're a real city boy.
- How about the cot?

Come on, sweetie.
We've got a sleeping bag.

You're really serious
about sleeping on the ground?

- You are a baby.
- Christ, this knapsack's heavy.

I told you you overpacked. What do
you plan to do with a pillowcase?

Put it back!

You are a nut.
Isn't he a nut, Jonathan?

Susan, you pack your things,
let me pack mine.

- I'm just trying to help.
- Help your own stuff.

- You have packing to do.
- You don't even have room.

We're going in a little car.


- You want her?
- I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Will you look at the pair on her?

Look at that schmuck
trying to keep up with her.

They're always with guys like that.

That guy must be 60 if he's a day.

Maybe he'll have a heart attack.
You could save his life...

get her number and fuck her.

You bastard.


How's Susan?

Couldn't be better.

I always said it,
and I say it now...

you found yourself a jewel.

She is a jewel.

Not bad, that one.

Listen, you must be getting
more than your share.

I'd get married in a minute
if I could find the right girl.

Bullshit artist.
You and your actress friends.

Are you kidding, Doctor?
You're the one that's got the deal.

What can I say?

"Take your clothes off, baby,
I want to check your capital gains"?

I just look.

- Sure you do.
- I really do.

Susan's plenty enough woman
for one man.

Hey, look at that.

- That's Sally Joyce.
- Didn't I see her on Ed Sullivan?

I fucked her once.

Bullshit artist.

We used to do her taxes.

She's with another firm now.

- Why don't you say hello?
- She wouldn't remember me.

She's a real ballbuster,
that one.

I've been through the mill
with her kind.


You think a girl goes for you,
and then you find out...

she's after your money or your balls.

Or your money and your balls.

Women today are better hung
than the men.

I should have your problems.

It's not as easy getting laid
as it used to be.

I don't think I fuck more than
a dozen new girls a year now.

Maybe I'm too much
of a perfectionist.

This last one came so close
to being what I wanted.

Good pair of tits on her.
Not a great pair.

Almost no ass at all,
and that bothered me.

Sensational legs.

I would have settled for the legs
if she had just two more inches here...

and three more here.

Anyhow, that took two years
out of my life.

You don't want a family?

I don't want to put it down,
but who needs it?

You can't make fucking
your life's work.

Don't tell me
what I can and can't do.

You're so well-off?

Susan's a very good homemaker.

Very efficient.

I come home,
everything's in its place...

which I like, because it's tiring
putting in a full day at the office...

then Doctor's Hospital
for a couple of hours.

So it's nice to have everything
in its place when I get home.

A martini, dinner, the kids.

We don't watch much television.

We like to read aloud to each other.

We used to have more friends than we do,
but we don't have that many anymore.

So, on weekends,
we might entertain a little...

or go over to see a friend.

Come into town,
see a play or a good film.

It's not glamorous or anything.

There are other things
besides glamour.

You have a long lifeline.

I like that.

The way you run your nail
across my--

You're difficult to get along with.


- Bobbie.
- You always know your own mind.

Right this minute, anyway.

You won't stop going after
what you want until you get it.

Let me see your hand.


You are built.

You see that in my hand?

Even your hand is built.

I think you're a dirty old man.

I'm a dirty young man.
How old are you?

- How old do you think I am?
- Nineteen.

- Twenty.
- No.




You skipped 23.

- Twenty-three.
- No.

- Twenty-four?
- No.


- Twenty-six?
- Nope.


You're getting warm.

- Twenty-eight.
- No.


I like going out with older women.

- Are you married?
- Are you kidding?

You don't want to get married?

I'd marry you in a minute.

Can you cook?

- Spaghetti.
- I can cook spaghetti.

Good. You do the cooking.

What will you do?

What would you like me to do?

What would you like to do?

I asked you first.

Well, I'm not gonna answer you first.

I can sew.

Doesn't sound like
much of a marriage...

me cooking spaghetti and you sewing.

You want a divorce?
I'll take you for every cent you've got.

I didn't know I was marrying
a gold digger.

You won't take pity on me?

Only if you say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

And you'll never do it again.

I'll never do it again.

And you'll always be a good boy.

Yes, Mama.

Do you like to be mothered?

I'd like to be smothered by you.

What else would you like me
to do to you?

How do you like it?

How do I like what?

My, uh, you know.

What do I know?

You know everything.

I know you.

And I know you.


God! Jesus!


I almost came that time.

- Oh, nurse!
- What is it, Mr. Weisenborn?

Will you come in here
a minute, please?

Certainly, Mr. Weisenborn.

Why, Mr. Weisenborn!

Most guys I know are pricks.

I don't know anymore what they want.

I'll be happy to tell you.

They want the boodle.

But they ain't gonna get
the boodle.

Goddamn right.

Because this kid here's got
the boodle.

Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

You're a nice man.

And you're a very lucky girl.

You know something, Sam?

What is it, sweetheart?

You think it would be a fatal mistake
in our lives if we shacked up?

It's very difficult, Bobbie.

These last couple of weeks,
we get along so well together.

The idea--

I like you very much.

So much.

This idea--

To be perfectly honest...

I mean...

it sounds very good to me.

Let's both give it a couple of days
to think about it.

It sounds like--

Well, very good.

Very, very...



Only, our eyes should be open.

We should go into this,
we should...

know exactly what
we're getting into.

This is just a shack-up. I'm not
asking for your hand in marriage.

Yeah. Well, so long as
we both understand that.

We do.

I just thought it's better
to get it all out on the table...

so later there can be
no possibility of a misunderstanding.

I don't know how many business deals
I've seen come to grief--



You're a real prick.
You know that?


I could very easily get serious
about this girl.

She's a lot of fun to be with.

This is just between
the two of us...

but the last year or so,
I've been having...

I don't know...

a little trouble.

I wasn't worried, but...

still and all...

a little trouble with...

well, myself...

you know...

getting hard.

It took a long time,
and you know how girls are today.

They judge you.
They judge you very quickly.


I had a real rough time
a couple of times.

Some very nasty innuendos.

And, as I say,
I wasn't too worried, but--

I won't lie to you.
I was a little worried.

And along comes this Bobbie.

I get one look at the size of the pair
on her, and I never had a doubt...

I'd ever be anything
but okay again.

And I was. I was.

With all our kidding back and forth
on our first night together...

I don't mind telling you
I had tears in my eyes.

She's really the girl
in the airline commercial?

You lucky son of a bitch.

I don't know.

I don't want to get in over my head.
I got in over my head...

three, four times already...

and you have to be a real bastard.

I don't like being put
in that position.

What would you do?

If she looks anything like
she looks on television--

Size 38 with a "D" cup.

But looks aren't everything.

Believe me, looks are everything.


I'm hungry.

I'll get up.

Why do we always have
to eat so late?

'Cause I work late, dildo.

Why do you work at all?

Brings in extra money.

I make enough.

You want me to quit working?

I thought you were bored with it.

- I am.
- So quit.

What'll I do?

What do other women do?

Have children.

Well, you asked me.

- Hey, was that you?
- Yeah, that was me.

No kid--

Thought for sure it was his voice.

Why didn't you tip me off
you had a set of pipes like that?

I told you I wanted to sing a good song,
you wanted that trapeze number.

The dames will go overboard
when you turn on that golden throat.

Come on, let's go.

Let's get rollin', boys.

All right, he's set
for the big number. Go ahead.

- What about my beer?
- Ladies and gentlemen...

- We're all out.
- the Cinderella girl has taken ill.

A change in program
will be necessary.

I really wanted a beer.

Do you want me to run out
to the corner?

- You're too tired.
- I'm tired, but I don't mind.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

It's my fault. I should have reminded
you when I called this afternoon.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're more tired now
than when you were working.

I'm in the house all day.

Didn't you get up at all today?

What do you do?
I mean, when you're not telephoning.

I'm not on the phone that much.

It took me 45 minutes
to get through this afternoon.

I'll go and get the beer.

- No, I'll go.
- I thought you were too tired.

I haven't been out all day.

Fresh air'll do you good.

Will you walk with me?

Then I may as well go myself.

Wanna make love?

We haven't in a week.

Is it a week?

It's funny.
Susan and I do all the right things.

We undress in front of each other.
We spend 15 minutes on foreplay.

We experiment, do it in different
rooms-- it's a seven-room house.

We don't believe in making a ritual
of it. We do it when we feel like it.

We don't feel we have to be
passionate all the time.

Sometimes it's even more fun necking.

We're considerate
of each other's feelings.

I had a tendency--
men, I guess, have-- to be selfish.

But I stopped.
I don't do that now.

We try to be patient.

And we are patient,
gentle with each other.

Maybe it's just not meant to be
enjoyable with women you love.

Do you want to get laid?


Very nice, indeed.

Indeed. Watch out.

- I almost had it. Right, Cindy?
- Sure, you almost had it.

- See that, Cindy?
- He was lucky!

That's all!

- Bastard! That was out.
- Bullshit, it was.

- Hey, let Cindy be the judge!
- We'll do it over, all right?

All right. Fair's fair.

You see that shot, Cindy?

Now we got some tennis.

- Game!
- Luck!

"Luck," my ass!

- You wanna take me on, Cindy?
- It's my turn.

Aw, come on, Bobbie.
You're so awful.

You serve.

Very nice.

Hey, you play well.
Hey, Sandy, will you look at this girl?

Terrific, Cindy.

Hey, she's backin' me up!

I'm not kidding. Look at this!


Boy, will you look at this?

And I'm not takin' it easy
on her either.

What the fuck--

You and Lord and Taylor's are gonna
have to work out a trial separation.

I had the water running.
What did you say?

Look at the date.

What do you mean?

Five months ago.

I'm sorry I cost you so much money.

I wanna get married.

- Are you tired of me, Jonathan?
- Am I ever.

- The answer's yes.
- I didn't say "yes."

You said "am I ever."
I need more in life than this.

Who put you up to this?
Your psychiatrist?

After a long, exhaustive bed hunt
you've finally chosen me.

Cindy's not a virgin either.


Oh, I get it.

Is that what brought this on?
Your mind is unbelievable.

You have to have a low opinion of me,
thinking that I would do that to Sandy.

Oh, no. You wouldn't want
to cheat on Sandy.

- Oh, now it's Sandy.
- He spends half his life over here.

Wait a minute.

A second ago you had me screwing Cindy.
Who am I screwing now? Sandy?

You're going too fast for me.

I'm going too fast for you?

Your little mind operates
like an IBM, like a pinball machine.

First Cindy. Oh, no, not Cindy?
How 'bout Sandy?

How 'bout Cindy and Sandy?
Talk about the pot calling the kettle.

The day I got an earful of your
checkered past, I felt like a celibate.

- You made me tell you.
- Sure, I twisted your arm.

It got you hot.

Something has to.

- You have such contempt for me.
- Kid, you worked hard for it.

- It's yours.
- The way you paw me at parties.

Now affection is contempt.

Upside down.

Everything upside down.

Feeling me up in public
is not affection.

- Will you come on?
- I know I sleep all day.

I know I'm doing a terrible job,
but you're not helping me any.

- And who helps me?
- I help you.

Your kind of help
I can do without.

Can you? Can you really?

You'll do anything you can
to ruin my day, won't you?

I got up today feelin' so good.

You couldn't leave us alone.

- We were doing so well.
- What?

At one time it was great
what we had, the kidding around.

It can't have a natural time span.
Affairs can't dissolve in a good way.

There's always got to be poison.

I really don't see why.

Jonathan, do you want it over
between us?

Why does it have to be
one way or the other?

- You don't want me to leave.
- I want you here, where you belong.

What about you?

When I'm here, I'm here.
When I'm not here, I'm there.

- Where?
- Wherever!

No. I'm a man-eater,
a ballbuster and a castrator.

I wanna get married.

All right.
Where the fuck is my shoehorn?

This place is a mess.
There's not any food in the house.

Half the time you look
like you fell out of bed.

You spend more time in bed than anyone
I ever heard of over six months old.

The reason I sleep all day is
'cause I can't stand my life!

- What life?
- Sleeping all day!

You do that sort of thing,
I fall in love with you all over again.

Marry me, Jonathan.
Please marry me.

You're tryin' to kill me.

Marriage isn't death.

Why now?

Because two years ago
I slept eight hours.

A year ago it was 12. It's up to 15 now.
Pretty soon it's gonna be 24.

What are you trying to do?
Scare me?

- I need a life.
- Get a job!

I don't want a job.
I want you.

I'm taken-- by me!

Get out of the house!
Do something useful, goddamn it!

You wouldn't let me work
when I wanted to.

That was a year ago.

You throw a tantrum
every time you call and I'm not home.

Look, sister, I'm out there
in the jungle eight hours a day.

You wouldn't even let me
canvas for Kennedy.

You want a job? I got a job for you.
Fix up this pigsty.

You get a pretty goddamn good salary
for testing out this bed all day.

You want an extra $50 a week?
Try vacuuming.

You want an extra hundred?
Make this goddamn bed!

Try opening some goddamn windows!
That's why you can't stand up in here.

The goddamn place smells like
a coffin!

You don't need me.

Why do you let yourself in
for this kind of abuse?

Walk out.
Please leave me.

For God's sake, I'd almost marry you
if you'd leave me.

You call that abuse?

You don't know what I'm used to.

With all your carrying on...

to me you're a gift.

So what's it gonna be?

You sure know how
to screw things up.

So where does that leave us?

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Is this an ultimatum?

Answer me, you ballbusting,
castrating, son-of-a-cunt bitch.

Is this an ultimatum or not?
Because if it is...

I'm gonna tell you what you can do
with your ultimatum.

I'm gonna tell you
what you can do with it!

You can make this goddamn bed!
That's what you can do with it!

Try cleaning these filthy sheets!
That's what you can do with it!

She's not ready.

Well, we're a little early.

- You're looking good, Cindy.
- I do my best.

Will Bobbie be long?

Do we have to go to this party?

- How 'bout it, Cindy?
- Where's the powder room?

- Right there.
- I'm going. You do what you want.

Man. She's really something.

I'm so bored
I'm goin' out of my mind.

Bored? With that?

You must be kidding.

You have to go to this party?

Stick around.

No, it's better that I go.

Thank you.

Hey, I just did my hair.

I've got this at home.

How's your tennis game, Jonathan?

We'll have to have a rematch.


- Is she always that way?
- You know women.

Boy, is she competitive.

She is very competitive...

but I find that attractive.

You know her problem?

She wants balls.

- She's all right.
- I'm not criticizing.

- I wish she were more feminine.
- She is a little masculine.

I just wish she wouldn't always
demand her own way.

She's got a great body on her.

I have to treat her like a child,
give her everything she wants.

I wouldn't mind
giving her something.

You've got Bobbie.
I should only have it that good.

Oh, I don't know.

Bobbie? Are you kidding?

I've never seen a body like that.

She could do with a little more
of what Cindy's got.

She's so goddamn passive.

Yeah? I wouldn't mind Cindy
just lying still once.

She's so busy handing out instructions
in bed, it's like a close-order drill.


I wouldn't mind a little of that.

As long as she doesn't forget
who's boss.

You wouldn't want to swap sometime,
would you?

You serious?

What do you say?
Might liven things up a bit.

She can miss one party.
Leave her to me.

What about Bobbie?

She's so mad at me, she'll
jump all over you just for revenge.

You like that, huh?


She's in the bedroom.

If you're quiet, you can do it,
and she won't even know.

You bastard!

Give me a minute.

Tell Sandy it's time to leave.

I hope you dance
better than you play tennis.

Sandy won't mind.

What's Sandy got to do with it?

You're his girl.

He said it would be okay.

What did Sandy say?

That you and me--
You know.

That was his idea?
You had nothing to do with it?

A little.

A little or a lot?

This much.

I'm surprised it took you this long
to get around to it.

Sandy and I have a party to go to.

Sandy's busy.

You want to come around sometime
by yourself, that's one thing.

I've been expecting that.

But you tell Sandy...

that if he lays one hand
on that tub of lard in there...

not to come home.

So you call me.


She's semi-comatose. Better send
a resuscitation unit and an airway.

Be ready to give her an I.V.
on admission. Who's on? Portus?

Tell him
we'll put her in intensive care.


Very slick.

Very clever!

Well, it's not going to work,

That's Bonnie, my first love.

She lived upstairs from us.

We started exposing ourselves
to each other at ten.

We got caught on the roof
one day by my mother...

who washed my mouth out with soap.

I never got the connection.

Here's Emily, my first steady.

Until she moved off the block at 11,
I never laid a hand on her.

Um, Mildred,
I think this one's name was.

She followed me around in school.

The fellows kidded me about her.

I warned her if she didn't stop
I'd beat her up.

She picked up her skirt, dropped
her drawers and shoved her ass at me.

So I got my first sight of ass
at 12.

13 and-a-half or thereabouts.

I kissed her one night
at a spin-the-bottle party.

This one's Rosalie.

Rosalie looked just like
Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.

I had a crush on Rosalie from 14 to 15
and I never went near her.

In those days we had illusions.

Here's Charlotte. Not much on looks,
but great tits for 15.

That's Lenny Hartman's sister--

my first French kiss, 16 years old.

Here's Gloria, the best-built girl
at Evander Chiles.

I took her to the Bronx zoo once and,
on the bus, copped a cheap feel.

Here's Gwen.

I went with her for a year
trying to get her to put out...

but she thought I was too nice
and was saving me for marriage.

Every guy at Evander must have
gotten into her pants except me.

Here's my first--
No, that one was a mistake.

Here's Eileen, my very first fuck.

She was a modern dancer
at Swarthmore.

Great body on her.
What a waste-- frigid.

Here's Nancy, a sweet kid.

She went into biology.
Very frigid.

Here's Bobbie, my wife--

the fastest tits in the West
and king of the ballbusters.

She conned me into marrying her,
and now she's killing me with alimony.

Don't know how this one
got in here.

This is my little girl, Wendy.
"Princess," I call her.

Is she a dreamboat?

Here's a real cunt.
I forget her name.

A Nazi-- I banged her in Berlin.

Here's something I went with
for a couple of months.

First time I banged her
was on a yacht race to Nassau.

This slob I went with for a year until
I got so sick of her ballbusting...

I couldn't get it up anymore.

I can't remember her name.

This was my Jap in the sack.

I heard that Oriental girls
were different.

Not in America, they're not.

Here's a 16-year-old I gave 20 bucks to
one night in the Village. I was drunk.

Maybe you know her, Jennifer.
She gave me a dose.

That's all, folks.

What are you crying, for?
It's not a Lassie movie.

Sorry about that...

or something.

So, what else is new?

To tell you the truth,
I don't see anybody anymore.

Neither do we.

Well, you've got each other.

I thought she was your daughter
when you first came in.

In a lot of ways
she's older than I am.


She knows worlds
I can't even begin to touch yet.

Sandy, please.

- I found out who I am.
- You're in big trouble.

Same old Jonathan.


Let me talk to her about you,

Talk to her about me?
I'm 40, she's 9.

- You just don't get it, do you?
- Oh, I get it, all right.

I've been getting it
for a long time. What's the point?

Sandy, you found a good piece of ass.
God bless you.

You're my friend.
I'm happy for you.

As long as it lasts,
I'm happy for you.

You deserve to be happy.
I mean it.

Why fight, okay?

- All those games.
- Jesus Christ.

You don't need those games, Jonathan.
I know. I've played more than anyone.

The obedient son game,
the bright student game...

the cocksman's game,
the respectable husband game...

the good father game,
the specialist game.

Games don't impress Jennifer--

just life, just love.


Well, I don't want to argue with you,
Sandy, so let's just agree to disagree.

Don't make me mad, okay?

Jennifer knows more at 18
than Susan knows to this day.

You found yourself a real jewel,

She's my love teacher.

Finally got it up, huh?

You give off such bad vibrations.

"Bad vibrations." Sandy, I love you,
but you're a schmuck.

You were always young, Sandy,

You were schmucky
a lot of the time...

but maybe schmuckiness is
what you need to stay young and open.

Listen, don't listen to me.

You're doin' great,
and I'm makin' money.

You can find what I found,

Don't make me insult you.


All ballbusters, right?

You know it.

When you think of some of the things
he has to dip into...

any guy with a conscience
has a right to turn soft.

- Am I right, Louise?
- You're always right, lover.

I don't think we're gonna have
any trouble tonight.

- You don't?
- No, I don't.

Are you sure?

You wanna bet?

- How much?
- Sky's the limit.

Goddamn it!

- What did I do?
- You're doing it all wrong.

- I'm doing it like always.
- You never said that before.

- Said what?
- "Sky's the limit."

- Sure, I--
- Never.

What do I say?

You forgot, didn't you?

A hundred.

I say a hundred.


It just came out.

I just want it right,
that's all.

I don't think we're gonna have
any trouble tonight.

- You don't?
- No, I don't.

Are you sure?

You wanna bet?

How much?


You sound pretty sure.

Your kind of man--
why shouldn't I be sure?

What kind of man am I?

A real man.
A kind man.

I'm not kind.

I don't mean weak kind,
the way so many men are.

I mean the kindness that comes
from enormous strength...

from an inner power so strong
that every act...

no matter what,
is more proof of that power.

That's what all women resent.
That's why they try to cut you down--

because your knowledge
of yourself and them is...

so right, so true...

that it exposes the lies which they--
every scheming one of them-- live by.

It takes a true woman to understand
that the purest form of love...

is to love a man
who denies himself to her...

a man who inspires worship...

because he has no need
for any woman...

because he has himself.

Now, who is better,
more beautiful...

more powerful, more perfect--
you're getting hard--

more strong, more masculine...

more extraordinary,
more robust--

it's rising...

it's rising--
more virile, more domineering...

more irresistible--

It's up.

It's in the air.