Carnage (2011) - full transcript

In Brooklyn Bridge Park, eleven year old Zachary Cowan strikes his eleven year old classmate Ethan Longstreet across the face with a stick after an argument. Among the more serious of Ethan's injuries is a permanently missing tooth and the possibility of a second tooth also being lost. Their respective parents learn of the altercation through Ethan's parents questioning him about his injuries. The Longstreet parents invite the Cowan parents to their Brooklyn apartment to deal with the incident in a civilized manner. They are: Penelope Longstreet, whose idea it was to invite the Cowans, she whose priorities in life include human rights and justice; Michael Longstreet, who tries to be as accommodating as possible to retain civility in any situation; Nancy Cowan, a nervous and emotionally stressed woman; and Alan Cowan, who is married more to his work as evidenced by the attachment he has to his cell phone and taking work calls at the most inopportune times. Although the meeting starts off civilized enough, it quickly degenerates after an unfortunate incident by Nancy. The degeneration of their meeting not only has to do with their boys' fight, but also the other couple's fitness as parents, the state of their respective marriages and their place in a crazy world.

January 11th at 2:30 p. m....

You'll do your statement separately.
This one's ours.

...following a verbal dispute
in Brooklyn Bridge Park...

...Zachary Cowan, age 11,
and armed with a stick...

...struck our son, Ethan Longstreet,
in the face.

Ln addition to the swelling and bruising
of Ethan's upper lip...

...this act also resulted in
two broken incisors...

...including nerve damage
to the right incisor.


Armed. What...?
You don't like "armed"?

Michael, what could we say?
"Carrying"? "Holding"?

- Carrying a stick? All right?
- Carrying, yeah.

- Carrying a stick.
- Carrying.

It's ironic.

I always thought Brooklyn Bridge Park
was so safe compared to Hillside.

True. We always said,
"Brooklyn Bridge Park, fine.

Hillside, no way."

- It just goes to show you.
- Thank you.

Hey, thank you so much for coming.

It's so much better than getting
caught up in that adversarial mind-set.

Well, we thank you. Really.

I don't think there's any reason
for us to thank each other.

Luckily, some of us still have
a sense of community. Right?

Though the kids haven't got
that notion straight yet.

- Right.
- I mean our kid.

Right, our kid.

Thank you.

Those tulips are gorgeous.

Oh, it's the florist up by Henry.
You know the one? All the way up.

Oh, right.

Yeah. They fly the bulbs
right in from Holland.

- Twenty dollars for a whole bunch.
- Ls that a fact?

Yeah. Do you know it?
All the way up.

Right. Right.

Well.... So, what about the tooth
with the damaged nerve?

Well, we don't know yet.

There's some question
about the prognosis. Apparently....

Well, apparently the nerve
is not completely exposed.

- Only part of it is exposed.
- There's a part that's exposed...

...and then there's a part
that's still protected.

For now,
they're not gonna devitalize it.

They wanna give the tooth
a chance.

Yeah. We'd so love
to avoid a root canal.

Oh, of course.

There's an observation period while
they give the nerve a chance to heal.

He's gonna need caps.

- You can't have implants till you're 18.
- You can't.

Yeah, so.... They can only do implants
once they're done growing.


Well, we hope
it all turns out all right.

One can only hope.


He didn't wanna tell on Zachary.

No, he didn't wanna tell.

It was incredible to see this child
with no face left, no teeth.

- He just wouldn't talk.
- I can just imagine.

He didn't wanna tell on the kid.
His friends would say he's a snitch.

Let's face it, Penny,
it wasn't just a sense of honor.

Well, you could say that.
Honor requires a social context.

So how did you finally get
Zachary's name?

Well, because
we explained to Ethan...

...that protecting this child
was not gonna help him.

We told him if this kid thinks he can get
away with hitting, why should he stop?

We told him if we were this child's
parents, we would wanna know.

- Of course.
- Yeah. Excuse me one second.

- Yes, Walter.
- Alan.

Well, thanks for getting back to me.

It's in this morning's Journal.
I'll read it to you.

"According to a study published
by British journal Lancet..."

...two Australian researchers have
identified neurological side effects...

...of TW Pharma's
anti-hypertension medication Antril...

"...including impaired hearing
and ataxia."

How come nobody
told me about this?

Who does your press monitoring
over there?

- This is gonna mean trouble.
- You're in deep shit.

What do we do?
Do we move on this right away?

No, no. My problem is the ASM.

You got an annual stockholders'
meeting in two weeks.

Did you schedule a contingency
for litigation?

I'm not sure. I have to check.

- Walter. Walter.
- Yeah?

Talk to PR. Find out if it was picked up
anywhere else and call me back.

- Right.
- Okay.

- Sorry.
- So you're, like, a....

An attorney.

- And yourself?
- Housewares supply.

Penny's a writer.
She works part-time in a bookstore.

- Mostly art books and history books.
- A writer?

Well, I cowrote a volume
on Sabaean civilization...

...working with artifacts
that were retrieved...

...after the Ethiopia-Eritrea conflict.

But right now I'm working on
a book about the Darfur tragedy.

Do you specialize in Africa?

I'm interested
in that part of the world, yes.

And do you have
any other children?

There's Courtney. She's 9.

She's very angry
with her father right now...

...because he got rid of the hamster
last night.

- You got rid of the hamster?
- Yeah.

The thing was making
such a racket at night.

They sleep during the day.
It was driving Ethan crazy, so...

You know, he couldn't take the racket
that thing was making. Yeah.

I don't mind telling you,
I've been wanting to...

...get rid of the thing
for the longest time.

Finally I said, "That's it!"
Took it out, left it on the street.

You left it on the street?

I figured it was
a gutter-sewer animal...

...but the thing was scared out
of its wits out there on the sidewalk.

They're not pets
and they're not wild.

You drop them in the forest,
still not happy.

I don't know where
you're supposed to put them.

So you just left him outside?

Yeah, he did.

He tried to convince Courtney
that the hamster ran away...

...which of course,
she was not buying.

And this morning
the hamster was gone?


What about you?
What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm an investment broker.

Let me...
I'm just gonna ask this directly.

Could Zachary apologize to Ethan?

Sure. It would be good
if they talked.

No, he's got to apologize, Alan.

He has to actually say he's sorry.

- Yeah, probably.
- Well, is he sorry?

He doesn't realize
how serious it was.

He's 11 years old.

Well, 11's not a baby.

Well, it's not an adult either.

We forgot to ask you guys,
you want some coffee or tea?

Ls there any of that cobbler left,
Penny? She makes a mean cobbler.

- You got espresso?
- We do.

- I wouldn't mind a cup.
- Glass of water.

Yeah. I'll take an espresso too, babe.
And bring the cobbler. Come on in.

Please. Please, have a seat.
Have a seat.

I didn't mean to rush you out.
Here. Here.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

You gotta taste this cobbler.

Where's the cobbler?

She put the cobbler
in the fridge again.

I don't know what language I'm
supposed to speak to that woman in.

Nice couple.


They're nice, right?

Do you tell everybody I'm a writer?

You are a writer. You wrote a book.

Good cobbler is not easy to make.

What do you sell?

Decorative hardware. Door locks,
handles, copper fittings and...

That's... Thank you.

And kitchen equipment.
Pots and pans. Yeah.

Ls that a good living?

You know, it's not like we had
any banner years or anything.

It was tough starting out.

As long as I'm out there
every morning with my sample case...

...and my catalog, it's a living.

Although the cast-iron roasting pans
do pick up around the holidays.


When you saw that a hamster
was terrified...

...why didn't you bring it home?

Because I don't touch those things.

You put it on the sidewalk.

It was in a cage,
so I flipped it on its side.

There's no way
I'm touching those things.

- Sugar?
- No sugar.

What kind of cobbler
did you make?

Apple and pear.

Apple and pear?

Yeah. It's, you know...
It's a little recipe of mine.

But it's a shame it's cold.

Apple and pear. That's new to me.

Apple and pear is a classic.
Of course, there's a twist to it.

Oh, really?

You have to cut the pears thicker than
the apples because they cook faster.

Oh, right.

- She's not telling you the real secret.
- Let them taste it.

Very good. Very good.

- Delicious.
- Gingerbread crumbs.

Oh, my God.

Well, it's really just a souped-up
old-school recipe.

His mother gave me the idea.

Gingerbread. Fantastic.

At least we get a new recipe
out of this, right?

I wish my son didn't have to
lose two teeth in the process.

Right. That's what I meant.

You have a novel way
of expressing it.

No, hey, I... Excuse me.

Yeah, Walter.

No. No, no. No letters to the editor.

You'll just fan the flames.

- Well, was it scheduled?
- No.

We decided to let it go.

What are these disorders anyway?
What is ataxia?

It's lack of balance
and unsteady or jerky gait.

- ln normal doses?
- Ln normal doses, rarely.

- How long have you known this?
- Two years, two and a half years.

And in all that time,
you haven't recalled it?

You're joking, right?

What are we talking about
in revenues?

Oh, I see.


Al. We're all waiting for you.

Yeah, right. One second.

- Dennis?
- Did you talk to him?

They've known about the risks
for two and a half years.

- Jesus!
- Yeah.

An internal report.

But the undesirable side effects
are not established.

No precautionary measures.

They didn't schedule a reserve.
Nothing in the annual report.

I can't believe it.
What are the symptoms?

Lack of balance, jerky gait.
The works.

Basically, you look like you're drunk.

Roughly half a billion in revenues.

- You there?
- Yeah. What'd you advise him to do?

- Well, deny.
- Of course.

That dumb shit wanted us
to write a letter to the editor.

No way we're writing a letter.

On the other hand,
if we see this is getting picked up...

...we could do a press release... "somebody's spreading
false rumors two weeks..."

"...from the ASM" kind of thing.

- Want me to broach it with him?
- No, he's calling back.

We'll talk and then work
on a press release.


I've been so busy,
I hardly had time for lunch.

Help yourself. Help yourself. Here.

- Here.
- Thanks.

No, no. Go on. Go on.

I know I have no manners.

Where were we?

We were saying it would
have been so much nicer...

...if we'd met some other way.

This cobbler, right.

- So your mother, huh?
- His mother.

It's my mother's recipe.
Pen made it.

Your mother doesn't use
apples and pears.


She's about to have an operation.
Poor thing.

- Oh, really? What for?
- Her knee.

She's gonna get a
polyethylene and metallic prosthesis.

And she's all worried about what's
gonna be left of it after the cremation.

Michael, don't be mean.

She doesn't wanna be buried
next to my father.

She wants to be cremated
and put upstate... to her mother who's all alone.

Couple of urns jabbering away
on the shores of Lake Sebago.

We're very touched
by how generous you're being.

We realize how you're trying
to smooth things out here...

...instead of making them worse.

Please. It's the least we can do.


No, come on. I mean, so many parents
just take their kid's side...

...acting like children themselves.

If Ethan had broken
two of Zachary's teeth...

...Alan and I might have had
more of a knee-jerk reaction.

I'm not sure we would
see the big picture.

Sure you would.

- She's right. I'm not so sure.
- You would.

We all know this could have happened
the other way around.

What does Zachary say about this?

How is he experiencing it?

He doesn't talk much.
A little overwhelmed, I guess.

But he realizes that
he disfigured his schoolmate?

No. No, he doesn't realize
that he disfigured his schoolmate.

Why do you say that?

Of course Zachary realizes.

He realizes that this violent behavior
is unacceptable...

...not that he disfigured
his schoolmate.

You don't like the word,
but the word is appropriate.

My son did not disfigure your son.

Your son disfigured our son.

Come back after school.
Look at his mouth, his teeth.

Momentarily disfigured.

His mouth will be fine
when the swelling goes down.

As for the teeth, we'd be willing
to chip in for the best dental care.

We've got insurance.

What we want
is for the boys to patch it up...

...make sure nothing like this
happens again.

Let's set up a meeting.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Should we be there?

They don't need coaching.
Let them work it out like men.

Like men. Alan, don't be ridiculous.

On the other hand,
maybe we don't need to be there.

Maybe it's better
if we weren't there, right?

The issue is not whether we're there
or whether we're not there.

The issue is,
do they wanna talk about this?

Do they wanna work this out?

- Ethan does.
- Does Zachary?

- We won't give him a choice.
- It has to come from him.

Zachary acts like a thug.

We're not gonna wait around
for him to see the light.

If Zachary sees Ethan in a punitive
context because he's forced to...

...I just don't see anything positive
coming out of that.

Mrs. Longstreet,
our son is a maniac.

If you hope he'll suddenly
and spontaneously get all apologetic...'re dreaming.

Look, I'm sorry. I really do have
to get back to the office.

Nancy, you'll stay.
You'll let me know what was decided.

I'm no use to anyone anyway.

Women always think you need
the man, you need the father.

Like it would do any good.

Look, I'm really sorry,
but I can't stay either.

My husband has never been much
of an "I'll push the stroller" -type daddy.

Well, it's too bad. It goes by so fast.

Michael, you loved
taking care of the kids.

- He had a ball pushing that stroller.
- Yeah, sure.

So, what did we decide?

Could you come over to our place
at about 7:30 with Ethan?

Seven-thirty all right?

Well, if you want my opinion....

Yes, please.

I think Zachary
should come over here.

- Yeah, I agree.
- The victim shouldn't make the trip.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.

Well, I can't be anywhere at 7:30.

Who needs you?
You're useless, right?

Seriously, I think it's important
for his father to come.

Not tonight. Hello.

- Tomorrow?
- Hello? I'm sorry.

Can you hear me now?

There's not a word
in the annual report.

But the risk wasn't officially
established. There's no proof.

- Okay.
- Yeah, have him call me back.


Tomorrow I'm in Washington.

- You have business in Washington?
- The Pentagon.

Look, the main thing
is to get the kids to talk.

So I'll come over to your place
at 7:30 with Zachary...

...and we'll just let them
talk it through.

What? You don't seem convinced.

If Zachary hasn't acquired
any accountability skills...

...they'll glare at each other,
and it'll be a disaster.

Accountability skills?
What are you talking about?

- I'm sure your son is not a maniac.
- Zachary is not a maniac.

- Yes, he is.
- Alan, don't be an idiot.

- Why are you saying that?
- He's a maniac.

How does he explain what he did?

- He won't talk about it.
- He should. He should talk about it.

That's a lot of "shoulds."

He should come here. He should
talk about it. He should feel sorry.

I'm sure you're much more evolved
than we are.

We're trying to get up to speed.
Ln the meantime, indulge us.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Come on. What happened here?

This isn't what we're all about.

I was talking about Zachary,
about him.

- Got that. Right.
- Alan.

You want some more coffee?
Some real coffee?


Thank you.

Coffee. All right.

It's okay, Pen. I'll get it.

I see you're an art enthusiast.



Yeah, it's Bacon.

Cruelty and splendor.

Chaos. Balance.

Ls Zachary interested in art?

Not as much as he should be.
Your children are?

Well, we try to make up for what's
lacking in the school curriculum.


We try to take them
to concerts and to galleries.

We really believe that culture can be
such a powerful force for peace.

- You're so right.
- Ls cobbler a cake or a pie?

Here's an important question.

I was in the kitchen. I was thinking,
"Why should pizza be a pie?"

Oh, here, here.
Don't leave this miserable little piece.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Here.

Go on, you have that.

Cobbler's a cake.
No crust on the bottom.

It can't be a pie.

- You're a gourmet chef.
- I like to cook.

It's something you have to do
out of love or not at all.

The way I see it, if there's no
crust on the bottom, it's not a pie.

So how about you guys?
You have other kids?

I have another son
by a former marriage.

You know, I was wondering,
and I know this is not important...

...but do you know
what they were arguing about?

Because Ethan won't say a word.

Ethan wouldn't let Zachary
be a part of his gang.

- Ethan has a gang?
- And he called him a snitch.

Did you know that Ethan
had a gang?

No. But I'm thrilled to hear it.

- Why are you thrilled?
- Because I had one.

- I was the leader.
- So was I.

What does the leader of a gang do?

You know.
You got five or six guys who like you...

...are willing to sacrifice themselves
for you.

- Like in Ivanhoe.
- Exactly. Like in Ivanhoe.

Who even knows
about Ivanhoe anymore?

It's another role model,
like Spider-Man or whoever.

Apparently, you know more
about this than we do.

I guess Zachary wasn't
quite as silent as you first said.

So why did he call him a snitch?

Forget it. Silly question, right?

What's the point? We don't care.

We're not going to get into
these children's quarrels.

- It's none of our business.
- Right.

What is our business
is this unfortunate incident.

And violence is our business.

When I was the leader,
I beat up Jimmy Leach in a fair fight...

...and he was bigger than me.

What does that have to do
with anything, Michael?

No, nothing.

This isn't a fair fight.
These boys weren't fighting.

Right. I was just
remembering something.

It's not very different.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry, there's a difference.

- There is a difference.
- What's the difference?

Me and Jimmy Leach
agreed to fight.

- Did you mess him up?
- A little.

Enough about Jimmy Leach.

Look, do you mind
if I talk to Zachary?

Of course not.

I would never do it
without your permission.

No, talk to him.
That's completely fine with us.

And good luck with that.

Stop it, Alan.

Why do you say that?

- Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope.

I think we'll do better
on a first-name basis. Don't you?

Right. Penelope, you're acting
on the desire to educate...

I don't have to talk to him
if you don't want me to.

Go. Lecture him, talk to him.
Do whatever you want.

I don't understand
how you feel so uninvolved here.

- Oh, Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope.

Penelope, I'm very involved here.

- My son injured another child.
- Deliberately.

See, that's the kind of thing
that irks me.

We know deliberately.

- That makes the difference.
- Between what and what?

We're talking about one thing here.

Our kid picked up a stick,
hit your kid.

- That's why we're here.
- Fruitless.

Right. She's right, guys.
This kind of talk is fruitless.

So why do you feel you need
to slip in the word "deliberately"?

What lesson are you teaching me?

All right, this is getting silly.

My husband is all stressed out
over work stuff.

I'll come back tonight with Zachary,
and we'll let them work it out.

- I'm not stressed out in the least.
- Well, I am.

- There's no reason to be stressed out.
- Yes. There is.


Well, no comment. No comment.

No comment.

Well, what if I say that we were
awaiting confirmation?

What? If you recall it,
you're admitting liability.

Yeah, but that embolism thing
is weighing on me.

Recalling Antril
would be admitting your liability.

At Christmastime, in the school play,
what did Zachary play?

- Zachary played....
- Ebenezer Scrooge.

...accounting irregularities.
- Ebenezer Scrooge. That's right. handcuffs two weeks
from now....

Michael, do you remember
when he played Scrooge?

Sure. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, he was wonderful.

He had that nightcap on.
He was funny.

Talk about the victims
after the stockholders' meeting.

- What did Ethan play?
- He played one of the kids.

- One of the Cratchits.
- The Cratchit kids. That's right.

We can't recall the drug because
three guys can't walk a straight line.


So for the time being,
don't make a move.

All right, all right.
I won't say anything.

All right. Okay, call you right back.

Hello, Alan?

They're in panic mode. They got
the media breathing down their necks.

All right.

I want a press release
that doesn't sound defensive at all.

Just the opposite. Go for the jugular.

Something like:
"TW Pharma is a target."

Attempt at manipulation
of the stock price...

...two weeks before
the stockholders' meeting.

And where does this study
come from anyway?

"How does this suddenly drop out of
a clear blue sky?" Et cetera, et cetera.

Not one word about the health issue.

Just one question:
Who's behind the study? Who?

- Got it.
- Fine.

Pharmaceutical companies.
The worst, right?

Profit, profit, profit.

Nobody said you should listen
to my conversation.

Nobody said you should
have it under my nose.

I'm totally forced to have it here.

Against my will, believe me.

Yeah. They just peddle the shit, right?
No one's responsible.

Ln any therapeutic advance,
there are benefits and there are risks.

Yeah, sure, I know. Still... got some funny line of work.

- What does that mean?
- Michael, it's none of our business.

Just funny line of work.

- What about you? What do you do?
- I got a normal job.

What's a normal job?

I told you, I sell pots and pans.

And door handles.

And flush mechanisms
and a lot of other stuff.

"Flush mechanisms."
I like that. That's interesting.


I find that interesting.
Flush toilets are interesting.

Why not?

How many different kinds
do you have?

There's two basic kinds.

You got your push button
and your handle-operated.

Yeah, right.

- Depends where your water line is.
- I see.

Either comes from the side
or from the bottom.

- Right.
- One of my managers is an expert.

I could introduce you if you want.

You'll have to hump it out
to Jamaica, Queens, though.

You seem like you know
your business pretty well.

Are you planning on sanctioning
Zachary in any way?

You two can have your plumbing
discussion some other time.

- I don't feel well.
- What's the matter? Are you all right?

You do look pale, honey.

You're all white, yeah.

- I'm nauseous.
- Some Reglan.

- We got some Reglan, right?
- No. No, no. I'll be fine.

A Coke. What you need is a Coke.

It's not cold.

- Mr. Cowan.
- It's not cold.

Thank you.

- Are you sure?
- Little sips.

The Coke wasn't in the fridge.

All right. Have him call me back.
Tell him right away.

- Okay, Mr. Cowan.
- Okay.

Ls Coke good for that?
It's more for diarrhea, isn't it?

No, not only.


I think so.

Mrs. Longstreet.

If we decide to reprimand
our child...

...we'll do it in our own way
and on our own terms.

- Absolutely.
- What, absolutely?

They're free to do as they see fit.

- I don't agree.
- You don't agree about what?

- They're not free.
- Ls that right?

Go on. Sorry.


- Great.
- We're writing the statement now.

Yeah, but don't forget.

Nothing's been proven here.
Nothing's certain.

Don't fuck this up.
If we don't get this right...

...Walter will be out on his ass
in two weeks, and so will we.

Enough, Alan!
Enough with the cell phone already!

The here and now, goddamn it.

- Call me back and read it to me.
- I'll call you back.

What's wrong with you,
screaming at me like that?

- Dennis heard every word.
- Good.

I am sick of that fucking cell phone,
every minute of every day.

Listen, Nancy. You should be thanking
me for agreeing to come here.

- Really?
- Oh, God.

- I'm gonna throw up.
- No, you're not.

- I am.
- You wanna use the bathroom?

Nobody's forcing you to stay.

She's right.
Nobody's forcing you to stay.

I feel dizzy.

Stare at a point in space.
Stare at a point in space, Doodle.

Hey, you can see
part of the el from here. Cool.

- Get away from me. Leave me alone.
- Shouldn't she go to the bathroom?

Go to the bathroom
if you have to throw up.

Give her some Reglan.

- It can't be the cobbler?
- No. I made it yesterday.

- Don't touch me!
- Take it easy, Doodle.

Yeah, come on. Don't get
all bent out of shape over nothing.

My husband feels that
anything to do with the house...

...the school, the backyard,
is my domain.

- I do not.
- You do so.

And I can understand why.
It's all so excruciatingly boring.

It's excruciating.

If it's so excruciating,
why have children in the first place?

Maybe Zachary's picking up
on that lack of interest.

- What lack of interest?
- You just said yourself.

Go get a bucket. Go get a bucket!

Stupid bitch.

You should have gone
to the bathroom.

This is ridiculous.

- Your suit took a hit.
- What?

Couldn't be the cobbler,
that I know.

It's not the cobbler.
This is just nerves.

Do you wanna clean up
in the bathroom or...?

My Kokoschka.


Give her some Reglan.

She can't keep anything down.

Where's the bathroom?

I'll show you.

This is nerves. Just nerves.

Thank you.

It's like I always say, you can't get
over something while you're under it.

With me, it's the back of my neck.
I get all blocked up back there.

All right.

What do we do with the Kokoschka?

We can clean it. Maybe Lysol.

The problem is gonna be drying it.

Maybe plain water
and some cologne.


I got some of that Kronos stuff
I never use.

The paper will warp.

Then we'll blow-dry it and put some
books on top of it after to flatten it out.

Or maybe iron it, like dollar bills.


- I'll buy you another one.
- There is no other one.

- It's been out of print for years.
- I'm so sorry.

We can save it. Pen, let me do this.

It's a reprint from the catalog
of the 1957 show in London.

Get the blow-dryer and the cologne
in the bathroom cabinet.

- Her husband's in the bathroom.
- He's not on the can.

Look, I got most of it off.
There's just a little left on the Dolgans.

Excuse me.

Are you feeling better?


What, should I spray or...?

Where's the blow-dryer?

He's drying his pants.

We'll wait. We should put the Kronos
on there last.


Can I use the bathroom too?

Yes. Of course. Of course.

I don't know what to say.

I am so sorry.

Bring the blow-dryer
when you're done.

So sorry.




Her cobbler's horrible.

You stuffed your face.

Look at my day.
I gotta get some food in me sometime.

Oh, God.

Freaking nightmare.

He better watch it.
He's got me right on the edge.

- She's horrible.
- Less.

She's so fake.

She doesn't bother me as much.

They're both horrible.

Why do you take their side
all the time? Sorry.

I don't.
What's that supposed to mean?

What the hell are we doing here?

- I hope you're kidding.
- Why do you argue with her?

We'd have been out of here
a long time ago...

...if you didn't bicker
over every word.

Would you rather I was a sheep
like her husband?

Do you think it was the cobbler?

Of course it was.

A little warm Coke and:

Oh, fuck.

You're always mitigating.
You're trying to reconcile everything.

- I am not.
- You are.

You had a gang
and you were the leader.

They can do whatever they want
with their son.

Well, their son is a threat
to homeland security.

Kid like that,
when he's a menace to society...'s everybody's business.

And I can't believe
that she barfed all over my books.

When you know that
you're gonna toss your cookies... take some precautions.

The Foujita.

Now it's disgusting.

I was right on the edge
with that toilet-flushing shit.

You were incredible.

- I held my own, right?
- Incredible.

Jamaica, Queens.
Now that was genius.

Little piece of shit.
What does he call her again?

- Doodle.
- Yeah, right. Doodle.

- Doodle.
- Yeah, I call her Doodle.

I'm sorry. We didn't mean anything.

You know, it's so easy to make fun
of other people's pet names.

Michael, what do we call each other?
I'm sure it's worse, right?

You wanted the blow-dryer.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

We call each other "Darjeeling,"
like the tea.

It's a lot more embarrassing
if you ask me.

How is she feeling?
Ls she feeling better?

Yeah, better.

Yeah. I reacted badly.

- I'm ashamed. I really am.
- Here.

You know, I made a big deal
about the catalog, and I....

I don't even know why.

You get so absurdly attached
to these things...

- ...and you don't even know why.
- Pull it taut though.

- But hold onto the other side.
- I got it.

You gotta pull it
because there's wrinkles on that.

- The corners are wet.
- I'll get the corners.

- It's gonna tear.
- He's right. It's gonna tear.

- Okay. Well, here...
- It's dry enough.

Okay. Put cologne on those,
and I'll finish this one.

- So where does "Doodle" come from?
- Sorry.

Yankee Doodle
or Cheez Doodle or...?

It's from a song
from Guys and Dolls that goes:

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that one.

- Yeah.
- Ours is from our honeymoon in India.

We called each other "Darjeeling"
instead of "darling."

It's so stupid.

Maybe I should check on her.

Yeah. Yeah, you do that, Darjeeling.

Oh, Nancy. Hey.

Well, I was worried about you.
Are you feeling better?

Yeah. Better. I think so.

If you're not sure,
stay away from the coffee table.

I left a towel in the bathtub.
I didn't know where to put it.


You cleaned up.

I am so sorry.

Everything's fine. All is well.

I'm sorry. I wasn't there for you.
I was so focused on the Kokoschka.

- That's all right.
- No. I...

- I behaved poorly.
- Please.

Ln the bathroom, I was thinking.


Yeah, maybe we glossed over the....


Well, I mean....

What? What is it?

Well, name-calling
is a kind of abuse.

- Sure.
- It depends.

Right. It depends.

Zachary has never been
a violent child.

He must have had his reasons.

Like getting called a snitch.

Excuse me.

Yeah, Walter.

Alan, CNN has invited me
for a panel discussion.

Well, as long as there are
no victims on the panel.

No victims. I don't want you
sitting down with victims.

Deny, deny, deny.

If we have to, we'll sue the Journal.

Well, we'll e-mail you the draft
of the press release.

Walter, I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Call me a snitch,
it gets a rise out of me.

- Unless it's true.
- What?

You know, if the shoe fits.

- You think my son is a snitch?
- Come on. I'm joking around.

So is yours anyway.

- What do you mean, so is ours?
- He snitched on Zachary.

- We coaxed it out of him.
- We're getting completely off point.

Maybe you coaxed,
but he did snitch on him.

- Nancy.
- "Nancy" what?

- You think my son is a snitch?
- I don't think anything.

Well, if you don't think anything,
don't say anything.

- Don't make insinuations.
- Nancy...

...there's no reason
to lose our cool here.

Michael and I have gone out of our way
to be fair-minded and conciliating.

Not so fair-minded.

- Really?
- Superficially fair-minded.

Doodle, I have to go.

So go. Coward.

Nancy, right now I'm in danger
of losing my most important client.

This "caring parent" crap and
the bickering that goes along with it...

Yeah, well, my son lost two teeth.
Two incisors.

- We got that, right.
- One of them permanently.

He'll get new teeth. Better ones.
No one chewed his ear off.

It was a mistake not to consider
the source of the problem.

There is no source.

There's an 11-year-old kid
who hits people with a stick!

- Armed with a stick.
- We took that word out.

Took it out
because we asked you to.

We took it out without argument.

A word which deliberately
establishes intent...

...without any hint
of a misunderstanding...

...which excludes childhood.

I don't think I can
stand this tone anymore.

We're not quite on the same page,
you and I, right from the start.

Mr. Cowan... is incredibly frustrating
to be continually upbraided...

...for something that we, ourselves,
admitted was a mistake.

The word "armed" wasn't right.
We took it out.

Though, strictly speaking,
it certainly applies.

Zachary was verbally abused
and he reacted.

Now, if I'm attacked,
I defend myself...

...especially when I'm all alone
against a whole gang.

Well, you certainly perked up
since you tossed your cookies.

Do you realize how crude that is?

Look, we're all decent people,
all four of us.

I don't know how we got carried away,
losing our tempers.

- This is totally unnecessary.
- Stop it. Stop mitigating.

We're only superficially fair-minded.
Why should we be fair-minded at all?

No. No, I'm not gonna be led
down that path.

What path?

The path these two little shits
led us down.

- Pen doesn't see things that way.
- "Penelope."

- Sorry.
- So Ethan's a shit now.

That really takes the cake.

Look, that's it.
I really have to leave now.

Yeah. So do I.

Go. Go. I give up.

- Hello.
- It's me, Mikey.

- Oh, hi, Ma.
- Ls this a bad time?

No. No, we got some friends over,
but go ahead.

The surgeon told me to stop taking
my medication before the operation.

Yes. Yes, you just do whatever
the doctors tell you to do.


The surgeon told me
to stop all of them...

...but Dr. Perlstein said
I could keep taking the Antril.

- The what?
- The Antril.

Should I stop taking the Antril too?

Antril? You're taking Antril?

Wait, hold on a second, Ma. Antril?

That crap of yours is Antril?

- My mother's taking it.
- Thousands of people take it.

Mom. You gotta stop
taking that one right away.

- You hear me? Right now.
- Why?

Just do what I tell you. All right?
I'm gonna explain later.

No. Dr. Perlstein said
I could keep taking the Antril.

Mom, you tell Dr. Perlstein
that I said you can't take it.

I won't touch it, Michael.


- Why red?
- So they can see me.

- So who can see you?
- The cars. They all drive like crazy.

Mom, that's ridiculous. Okay.
Mom. Mom.

Mom. I have to call you back.
I told you we have company.

- Okay. I love you.
- I hope so.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

She got red crutches
in case she gets hit by a truck...

...because she wanders out
in the street at night.

They're giving her Antril
for her blood pressure.

If she's taking it and she looks normal,
I'll take her deposition.

Didn't I have a scarf?

You know,
I don't like that attitude of yours.

If my mother shows
even the slightest symptom... name will be on the top
of a class-action suit.

- We'll have one anyway.
- Well, I should hope so.

Doing the right thing is just futile.
Honesty's just stupidity.

It just weakens you.
You let your guard down.

Let's go, Nancy. That's enough
sermons and lectures for one day.

Yeah, go ahead.
But let me tell you this:

Now that I know you two,
I'm not surprised what's-his-name...

Zachary may have
some behavioral issues.

- When you killed that hamster...
- Killed?

- Killed.
- I killed the hamster?

Yes. You do everything you can
to make us feel guilty.

You stake out the moral high ground
as your own...

...but you, yourself, are a murderer.

I definitely did not kill that hamster.

- Worse.
- Worse!

You left it out there, trembling with fear
in a hostile environment.

That poor critter was probably eaten
by a dog or a rat.

- She's right.
- What do you mean, "she's right"?

I mean, come on. Michael.

It's horrible what must have happened
to that poor animal.

I thought the hamster
would be happy.

I thought he'd go running around
happy as a clam.

- Well, he didn't.
- And you just left him there.

Because I can't touch
those things, okay?

I can't touch anything of that family.
Penny, you know that.

- He's afraid of rodents.
- Yes. I have a fear of rodents.

And a fear of reptiles. Anything down
close to the ground. That's it. All right?

What about you? How come
you didn't go downstairs and get it?

Because I didn't know.

Michael said this morning
that the hamster ran away.

I went right out the door,
I went right down the block.

I mean, I went to the basement!

Penelope. It is completely unfair
that all of a sudden...

...I'm in the hot seat about this hamster
that you had to tell them about.

That is a family issue
that doesn't concern anybody but us.

It's got nothing to do
with this situation.

I can't believe I'm being called
a murderer in my own house.

What does your house
have to do with tea in China?

It's my house. I opened the door.

The door is wide open
in a spirit of reconciliation... a couple people
who should be a little more grateful.

Keep right on stroking your own ego.
It's beautiful.

- So you have no remorse?
- No. I have no remorse.

That animal was disgusting,
and I'm glad it's gone.

- Michael, that's ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous?

What, have you
lost your mind now too?

Their son beats the shit out of Ethan,
and you're in my face over a hamster?

What you did was wrong.
You can't deny that.

I don't give a shit about the hamster!

You're gonna when your daughter
gets home!

Bring her on. I'm not gonna be told
how to act by some 9-year-old brat.

I agree with him there 100 percent.

And see? It's pathetic.

Watch it, Penelope. Watch it!

I've kept my shirt on till now,
but you are pushing me over the line.

- And Ethan?
- What about Ethan?

Well, is he sad too?

Ethan's got other things
on his plate if you ask me.

Ethan wasn't attached to Nibbles.


What the hell kind of
pussy-ass name is that anyway?

So if you feel no remorse,
why should our son?

You know what? All this consultation
and consideration shit...

...I'm sick to death of it.

We were nice to you.
We bought tulips.

My wife dressed me up as a liberal,
but the fact of the matter is...

...I got no patience
for this touchy-feely bullshit.

I am a short-tempered
son of a bitch, okay?

We all are.

No, I'm sorry. We are not.

We are not all
short-tempered sons of bitches.

- Not you, of course.
- No, not me. Thank God.

No, not you, Darjeeling. Not you.

You're so evolved.
You never go off half-cocked.

Why are you being so aggressive?

- I'm not, I'm being honest.
- No, you are. You're being aggressive.

Know what? You put this little bash
together, and I let you recruit me...

- You let me recruit you?
- Yes.

- That is so disgusting.
- No, it's not.

You're an advocate for civilized
behavior. That's fine with me.

I'm an advocate for civilized behavior,
you bet I am.

At least somebody around here is.

You think it's better to be
a tempered son of a bitch?

Nobody said that.
Nobody criticized you for that.

- You did.
- We did not.

What was I supposed to do?
Was I supposed to sue you?

Was I supposed to
never speak to you?

Tear you apart through
the insurance company?

- Stop it, Penny.
- Stop what?

You're blowing this out of proportion!

Well, I don't care.

You do everything you can
to escape the pettiness...

...and you just end up humiliated
and completely alone.

Yes. Walter.

It's out everywhere.

- Well, let them prove it.
- Yeah, right.

- Let them prove it.
- Without some kind of response....

No way.

From where I sit,
the best thing for us to do is nothing.

We're born alone and we die alone,
that's it.

Who wants a little Scotch?

Walter, I'm in a meeting right now.

- I'll call you when I get back.
- Damn it.

I'm living
with this totally negative person.

- Who's negative?
- Me.

This was the worst possible idea.
We should've never had this meeting.

- I told you so. Yeah.
- You told me so?

You told me we should've
never had this?

- I didn't think it was a good idea.
- It was a good idea.

Oh, come on. Who wants a little?

You told me you didn't think
this was a good idea?

- As I recall.
- As you recall.

- Maybe just a little sip.
- Don't you have to go?

At this point of the game,
I might as well have a little drink.

You look me in the eye and you tell me
that we didn't both agree on this.

Oh, God. Calm down, Penelope.
This is going nowhere.

And who said not to touch
the cobbler this morning?

Who said we should leave some
for the Cowans? Who said that?

That was very nice of you.

What does that
have to do with anything?

What do you mean?

- Guests are guests.
- You're lying. You're lying.

He's lying.

You know, my wife actually
had to drag me here today.

When you grow up with a certain
John Wayne idea of manhood...

...the impulse in this kind of situation
is not to talk it through.

I thought the role model
was Ivanhoe.

Same basic concept.

Another aspect.

Another aspect. Really?

How much are you gonna
humiliate yourself, Michael?

I can see I dragged him here
for nothing.

What did you expect, Doodle?

That is a ridiculous nickname.

Some revelation
about universal values?

This Scotch is unbelievable.

Right? You see that?
Eighteen years old, single malt...

...from a place in Scotland
still grows their own barley.

What about the tulips?
Who got them?

All I said was, "It's too bad we didn't
get any of those tulips this week."

I didn't say anything about going
to Henry Street.

Don't get all bent out of shape
over this. Penelope, it's not worth it.

He got the tulips. Him and only him.

What, we don't get a drink?

Penelope and I would like a drink too.

It's pretty funny
when you think about it.

A devotee of Ivanhoe
and John Wayne...

...but he's scared to pick up
an itty-bitty mouse.

Stop it with the hamster.

- Stop.
- She's right.

It's laughable.

- And hers?
- I don't think that'll be necessary.

- Pour me a drink, Michael.
- No.

- Michael.
- No.

What is wrong with you, Michael?

Fine. Fine.

Drink. Drink. What does it matter?

- ls drinking bad for you or something?
- No, it's great for me.

Now I don't know.

Mr. Cowan?


Alan. You see, you and I
didn't exactly hit it off...

...but I live with a man
who has decided, once and for all...

...that life is synonymous
with mediocrity.

You know, it's very hard
to live with a man...

...who's walled himself
inside that idea...

...who doesn't wanna change anything,
who doesn't get excited about anything.

What are you telling him this for?
He could care less.

We have to believe.

We have to believe
in some possible correction.

He's the last guy on earth
you should be telling this to.

I'll talk to anybody
I damn well please.

Who the fuck is that now?

- Hi, Ma.
- Mikey, it's me again.

I forgot to ask how Ethan is.

He's fine. He got his teeth
knocked out, but he's fine.

- ls he in pain?
- Yeah, he's in pain.

It hurts, but it'll pass.

Ma, I told you we have company.
I gotta call you back, remember?

- Okay, Mikey.
- Yeah. Bye.

- He's still in pain?
- No.

Then why do you worry
your mother?

He has to worry her.
He can't help himself.

All right, Penelope. That's enough.
What is this drama-queen bullshit?

Penelope, nobody cares
about anything outside himself.

Sure, we'd all like to believe
in some possible correction... we could author ourselves...

...completely free
of selfish consideration.

Like your writing this book
on Darfur.

No. Which I think is great.

You know.
I understand how you might say:

"Okay, I'll pick a massacre.
History's full of them.

I'm gonna write a book."

Everybody has to save himself

I'm not writing this book
to save myself.

You haven't read it.
You don't even know what's in it.


My God, that odor of Kronos
is killing me.

- It fucking reeks.
- Well, you didn't exactly skimp.

I am so sorry.

No, it was my fault.
I sprayed like a madwoman.

I don't know. Why...?

Why can't things be easier,
you know?

Why does everything
have to be so exhausting?

You think too much.

- Women think too much.
- There's an original response.

I don't know what that means,
to think too much.

You know, I don't know
how you can just go on living...

...with absolutely no moral sense
of the world.

- Look at me, I'm living.
- Oh, Michael, shut up.

Your miserable complicity
just disgusts me.

What happened
to your sense of humor?

I don't have one
and I don't want one.

If you ask me...

...the couple is the worst ordeal
God has ever inflicted on us.

- Marvelous.
- The couple and the family.

No one's forcing you to air this out
in front of us, Michael.

- And I might add, it's a little indecent.
- That doesn't bother him.

You agree with me, don't you?

This is all beside the point.

Alan. Say something.

He has a right to his ideas.

Doesn't mean
he has to advertise them.

Yeah, right. Maybe.

We don't care about their marriage.

We're here about the kids.
We don't care about their marriage.

- Yeah, except...
- Except what?

- It's related.
- It's related.

Of course it's related.

Ethan getting teeth busted out
is related to our marriage?

- Of course it is.
- Sorry, I don't follow you.

Look, take a step back
and look at the situation we're in.

Children suck the life out of you
and leave you old and empty.

That's the law of nature.

You see these young couples
laughing all the way to the altar.

You think, "They don't know.
Poor fuckers have no idea."

They're happy. Nobody tells you
about this stuff in the beginning.

I got this army buddy.

He's gonna have a kid
with his new girlfriend.

I said to him, "A kid? At our age?
What, are you stupid?"

You got maybe
10, 15 good years left...

...before you get cancer
or have a stroke...

"...and you're gonna saddle yourself
with a kid?"

- That's not really what you think.
- Yes, it is.

- Of course it is. I think even worse.
- Yep.

You're debasing yourself, Michael.

Ls that right?

Stop crying, Penelope.
It only makes it worse.


Of course, of course.

- It's excellent, isn't it?
- It's excellent.

Could I interest you in a cigar?

- No cigars in the house.
- Too bad.

Were you gonna smoke
a cigar now, Alan?

I do what I want, Nancy. If I wanna
smoke a cigar, I smoke a cigar.

I won't smoke it because
I don't wanna upset Penelope...

...who's already on edge,
to put it mildly.

Oh, quit sniffling like that.
She's right.

You know, when women cry,
men are pushed to a breaking point.

Although, unfortunately...

...I must say, Michael's point of view
is completely justified.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, can I read it to you?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Yeah, put "New York"
and a specific time of day.

- It's unbearable.
- What time of day?

The time you send it.
It has to be hot off the press.

Not "questions." "Deplores."
"Questions" is wishy-washy.

I live with this night and day.

One second.

Our lives are chopped up
by the cell phone.

This is very important.

- It's always more important.
- Go ahead.

What's happening somewhere else
is always more important.

No. No, not "strategy." "Scheme."

"A scheme surfacing two weeks from
the company's posting," et cetera.

Ln the street.

The dinner table. Everywhere.

And "study" in quotes.

Put the word "study" in quotes.

I don't even protest anymore.

Unconditional surrender.

I feel like I'm gonna vomit again.

- Where's that bucket?
- How am I supposed to know?

Well, then just quote me. You know:
"This is a barefaced attempt"....

Can you stand
over the bucket, please?

- Pen.
- What?

I mean, we're already set up
to handle this now.

"... according to TW Pharma
attorney Alan Cowan."

Okay, I'll make these corrections
and put it out there.

AP, Reuters, newspapers,
trade journals.

You know, the whole shebang.

- What's wrong?
- She's gonna throw up again.

You're so caring. It's touching.

- Well, I'm worried.
- I didn't get that.

- My mistake.
- Oh, come on, Nancy, will you?

You and I don't have to do this.

Their marriage is going downhill.
We don't have to try to compete.

What gives you the right to say
our marriage is going downhill?

What gives you the right?

- Yeah. Walter.
- Alan, is the press release ready?

Yeah, I just had it read back to me.
They'll send it over to you.

Did you say this is an attempt to...?

Manipulation of the stock price.

Listen, Walter,
I'll call you back in a minute, yeah.

- I didn't say it. Steven did.
- "Michael."

- I will not let you judge our family.
- Michael. Sorry.

Don't judge our son either.

That's different.
Your son brutalized our son.

They're young. They're kids.

Kids roughhouse in the playground.
Always have, always will.

- It's a rule of nature.
- No, it isn't.

Sure it is.

It takes a little education to substitute
the rule of law for violence.

The origin of law,
as you of course know, is brute force.

Maybe if you're a caveman...

- ...but not in this world.
- Tell me about this world.

You're boring.
This whole conversation is boring.

Penelope, I believe in
the god of carnage...

...the god whose rule's been
unchallenged since time immemorial.

You're interested in Africa, right?

- What's the matter?
- Don't worry about me.

- Nancy.
- I'm just fine.

All right.

See, I just got back from the Congo.

They got kids there
trained to kill at the age of 8.

Ln the course of their childhood,
they might kill hundreds of people.

They kill with a machete,
a shotgun, a Kalash, a thumper.

So obviously, when my kid
busts some other kid's tooth...

...even two teeth with a bamboo switch
by the sandbox...

...I'm not quite as shocked
and indignant as you are.

Well, you should be.


- What they call a grenade launcher.
- That's what I called it.

- You all right?
- I'm just fine.

What's wrong with her?
What's the matter?

Bile. It's nothing.

Don't you tell me about Africa.

I know all about suffering in Africa.

I don't doubt it.

That's all I've been thinking about
for months.

Don't get her started on this, please.

You know,
I'm actually starting to like you.

Shut up.

Talk about commitment
to world peace and stability.

Shut the fuck up, Michael.

Are you sure about that?

Very sure.
This will do me some good.

We live in New York.

We don't live in Kinshasa.

We live in New York City...

...and with the customs
of Western society.

So, what happens
at the Brooklyn Bridge playground...

...that has to do
with Western values... which, whether you like it or not,
I happen to subscribe to.

Beating your husband must be
one of those customs then.

I'm warning you, Michael.

She was all over you
like a bad rash.

If I were you, it would melt my heart.

He's making fun of you.
Do you believe it?

- I could care less.
- No, really.

Morally, you're supposed
to overcome your impulses...

...but there are times
you don't wanna overcome them.

I mean, who wants to say a Hail Mary
when you're having sex?

- Can you buy this Scotch around here?
- No, this one, not very likely. No.


Thumper. Really.

- Yeah, Thumper.
- That's what it's called.

Why don't you just say
"grenade launcher"?

Because that's a term.

It's just like they say "Kalash"
and not "Kalashnikov" or "AK-47."

- Who is "they"?
- That's enough, Nancy. That's enough.

Hotshot firebrands like my husband,
you gotta understand...'s hard for them to get excited
about what happens down the block.

- Exactly.
- I don't see why.

I don't see why.
We're all citizens of the world.

I don't see why we can't have
some sense of community.

Enough with the highfalutin claptrap.

I'm gonna kill him.

- Yeah.
- There's a problem with "barefaced."

- Well, take out "barefaced."
- She's right.

It's unbearable after a while.

- A brazen attempt to...
- Manipulate the stock price.

There you go.

- Did he sign off on the rest?
- Yeah.

That's fine. Good.

What were we talking about?

We were saying...

...that, despite what
my husband thinks...

...whether it happens here
or on the other side of the world...

...we all have to be
collectively concerned.

"Collectively concerned."

Nancy, it's absurd to drink
in your condition.

What condition? I'm perfect.

Now, that's an interesting idea.


No. No interviews
before we get this release out.

Mr. Cowan...

...can you please put an end
to this nerve-racking conversation?

Just remind him the stockholders
won't give a shit.

The stockholders won't... Nancy.
Are you out of your fucking mind?

- Hello! What's going on?
- There.


- Oh, my God.
- Way to go!

The blow-dryer. The blow-dryer.

You should be put in a home, dear.

I got everything in there.

It was brand-new.
I spent hours setting this up.

I can't believe you did that.

That was a really
irresponsible thing to do.

I got everything in there.

My whole life was in there.

- His whole life.
- Here.

I wanna get the SIM card and
the battery out. How do you do that?

- I just got it. I don't know.
- Let me see. Let me see.

It's stuck.

And they think it's funny.
They think it's funny!

- Penelope.
- Penelope. This is not funny.

My husband has spent
the entire afternoon drying things.

No, no. This way.

Forget it. It's over.

- You gotta wait.
- Forget it. It's over.

You wanna use the phone?

I must say....

What must you say, Michael?

No. I don't even know what to say.

I'd say it feels better like this.

I'd say it feels better like this.
Wouldn't you?

Men get so attached to their toys.

It diminishes them.

They lose their credibility.

Oh, God.

I dated this guy once...

...and then I saw him
carrying this bag...

...this rectangular bag
with a shoulder strap.

It's a man's bag
with a shoulder strap.

It was over.

A bag with a shoulder strap,
that's the worst.

But the cell phone
always at his fingertips...

...that's the worst too.

Men should have both hands free.

They should have both hands free.

I've got a John Wayne idea
of manhood too.

What was it he had? A Colt .45.

Something that empties a room.

Any man that doesn't give off
those loner vibes...

...just doesn't come off
as having any substance.

So, Michael, Michael.
I guess you're happy now.

Our little touchy-feely, whatever you
said, is coming apart at the seams.

But, hey, you know what?

This almost feels good,
in my opinion.

Ln my opinion, some people can
handle their liquor better than others.

- I'm as normal as can be.
- Yeah, right.

Yeah. I'm beginning to see things
with a pleasant serenity.

That's good. A pleasant serenity.

I don't know why you're wasting
yourself out in the open, Darjeeling.

Shut the hell up.

Here. Alan.

- Relax.
- No cigars in the house.

You got your Hoyo de Monterro.

You got your Partagas D,
number 4.

You got your Hoyo Coronacion.

Where did you get these?

- You don't wanna know.
- Seriously.

The Spanish connection.

My cookware guy is going out
with a flight attendant.

She brings home, like,
two boxes a week.

You can't smoke in a house
with an asthmatic child.

And why are you telling him
your whole life story?

- Who has asthma?
- Our son.

We had a goddamn hamster,
didn't we?

That's true. Pets aren't good
when you're asthmatic.

No. Not good at all.

Even goldfish aren't
necessarily recommended.

Do I have to listen to this crap?

I guess I'm the only one that doesn't
see things with a pleasant serenity.

The truth is...

...I've never been so unhappy.

This is the unhappiest day
of my life.

You're an unhappy drunk.


...every word out of your mouth
just slays me.

I don't get drunk.

I had a couple of sips
of your shitty 18-year-old single malt...

...that you trot out like it's
the 18th Wonder of the World.

I don't get drunk.

I wish I could.
Believe me, I wish I could.

I wish I could just drown
every last sorrow in a good, stiff drink.

My husband is unhappy too.

Look at him all hunched over
like he was left on the side of the road.

I think this is the unhappiest day
of his life too.

- It is.
- I'm sorry, Doodle.


- Hello.
- Mikey.

Mom. I told you we have company.
You remember?

Why do you want me
to stop taking my Antril?

Because it's medication
that can kill you.

- It's poison.
- It is not.

Now, Mom, Mom.

There's someone here
who can explain.

- Here. Tell her.
- Tell her what?

Tell her what you know
about that poisonous shit of yours.

What can he tell her?
He doesn't know anything.

Hello, ma'am.

- How are you?
- I'm all right for now.

They want to take me off my Antril.

My operation is a week away.

Yeah. Are you in pain?

I can't be on my feet, doctor.

Yeah. Well, the operation
will fix that.

- The other leg too?
- Are you an orthopedist?

No, I'm not an orthopedist.

She keeps calling me "doctor."

Doctor. What a laugh.

- Hang up.
- Hello.

- Yeah.
- What about my Antril?

Well, do you have
any balance issues?


- Yeah.
- Will it kill me?

No, of course not. Not at all.
It can't kill you.

Don't listen to what people say.

Still, yeah, it might be a good idea
not to take it for a while.

For how long?

Just until this operation
is behind you.

They're gonna ruin me.

If you could see me, you'd be
surprised how well-preserved I am.

Yeah, sounds like
you're in excellent shape.

All right. You got that, Ma?

You stop taking that medication.

- Just do as you're told!
- Okay, okay.

- All right? I love you.
- Love you too.

I can't take her anymore.

The shit I put up with.

All right. Should we wrap this up?

Should I come back here tonight
with Zachary? Let's decide.

This is getting to be, like,
who cares?

That is what we're here for after all.

Now I'm gonna be sick.
Where's that bucket?

That's enough. That's enough.

- That's enough.
- I?d say both sides share the blame.


There you are.
Both sides share the blame.

- Are you serious?
- Excuse me?

That's what you really think?

It's what I think, yes.

My son, Ethan, who had to take
two codeine at 3 in the morning...

- ...he shares the blame?
- He's not necessarily innocent.

Get out of my house.
You get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out of my house!

My bag! My bag! My...

- Alan.
- What is going on here?

They've totally lost it.

Alan! Do something.

- "Alan, do something."
- Shut your mouth.

She broke my makeup mirror
and my perfume.

Stand up for me.

Why don't you stand up for me?

Let's go, Nancy.

- It's not like I'm strangling her.
- What did I do to you?

The blame is not shared.

The victim and the criminal
are not the same.

- The criminal?
- Give it a fucking rest, Penelope.

Enough with
this politically correct bullshit!

- Which I believe in.
- That you believe. You believe.

This crush you got
on these Sudan sambos... spilling over
into everything now!

I'm horrified.

How could you be
so openly despicable?

Because I feel like it.
I feel like being openly despicable.

One day you will understand
the sheer horror...

...of what's happening
in that part of the world...

...and you will be ashamed
of your contemptibly nihilistic attitude.

Yes, Darjeeling,
you're so wonderful.

You're the best and the brightest.

Yes, I am! Yes, I am!

Let's get out of here, Alan.

These people are monsters.

- Stop it, Nancy.
- No, no. No.

I wanna drink some more.
I wanna get drunk off my ass.

This bitch throws my bag against
the ceiling, nobody lifts a finger.

- I wanna be blind drunk.
- You're drunk enough.

How can you let her
call our son a criminal?

We come over here to work things out
with them, and they insult us...

...they browbeat us...

...they lecture us about being
good citizens of the planet.

I am glad our son
kicked the shit out of your son...

...and I wipe my ass
with your human rights.

Get a couple of drinks in her and,
bam, her true self comes out.

What happened to that gracious,
demure woman with the soft eyes?

I told you. I told you!

- What did you tell him?
- That she's a fake.

That woman is totally fake.
I'm sorry.

- When did you say that?
- When you were drying your pants.

You'd known her 15 minutes,
and you already knew she was fake?

Yeah. Well, I pick up on these things
pretty quickly.

- She does.
- I got a nose for them.

Fake. What does that mean?

I don't wanna listen to this.

Why do you put me through this,

Relax, Nancy.

She's a phony. She doesn't care
any more than you do.

- It's true. That's true.
- It's true. He said it's true.

They don't give a shit.

It's so obvious right from
the beginning. They don't give a shit.

She doesn't give a shit either.
It's true.

- Like you do?
- Well...

No, let him talk, honey.

Explain to me, Michael,
exactly how you care.

What does that mean anyway?

You're more credible
when you're being openly despicable.

Truth is, nobody here cares
except maybe Penelope.

One must acknowledge
her integrity.

I don't need your acknowledgment.

I don't need your acknowledgment!

But I do care. I really do care.

Yes, Doodle,
we care in a hysterical way.

Not like heroic figures
of a social movement.

I saw your friend Jane Fonda
on TV the other day.

Made me wanna run out
and buy a Ku Klux Klan poster.

My friend Jane Fonda?

What does that mean?
What the hell does that mean?

You're the same breed, the same kind
of involved, problem-solver woman.

Those are not the women we like.

The women we like are sensual,
crazy, shot full of hormones.

The gatekeepers of the world...

...the ones who wanna show off
how perceptive they are?

Huge turnoff.

Even poor Michael,
your own husband, is turned off.

Don't you speak for me.

We don't give a shit
what women you like.

Where do you get off
just spouting these opinions?

You are the one man whose opinion
we don't give a shit about!

She's screaming.

Quartermaster on a slave ship.

She doesn't scream?

She didn't just scream
that your little asshole...

...was right to beat up ours?

He was right.

At least our kid
isn't a little wimpy-ass faggot.

Yours is a fucking snitch!

Let's go, Alan.

Why are we still in this house?



This is what I think
of your stupid tulips.

Your hideous flowers.

This is the worst day of my life too.