Career Opportunities (1991) - full transcript

That wasn't
a store robbery.

That was an
assassination.

That wasn't a clerk.
That was a wise guy.

How do I know?

I spent a little time with
the FBI's organized crime unit.

You could say that
I'm intimately knowledgeable...

with the rancorous
workings of the Mob...

in the midwest section
of this country.

I know gangland slayings,
and that's exactly what this is.

I'd look into it personally,
but I got a date tonight.

Think I'll take the private jet
and fly to Spain,



pick up
the little lady,

do the subsonic tummy bump
at 30,000 feet...

then glide back into
the U.S. Of A. By dawn.

I know what you're gonna say:
"Jim Dodge, settle down.

Relax.
You owe it to yourself."

I'll tell you
what I tell everybody.

Any little fr?ulein that
expects anything more from me...

than a little bit
of pleasure, danger...

and a great set
of pectorals,

she's looking for
a fall right on her ass.

- Hubie, Hubie!
- Let me tell you something.

If you know what's good for you,
don't you ever come back!

You're not gonna find someone
who has the relationship...

with those animals that I do.



Listen to the dogs.
They love me!

It all started
when I was 15.

That's when I invented
the artificial cow heart.

Oh, that was a big thing.

A little before your time,
but it made the newspapers.

ABC, NBC, CBS,
they picked up on it.

But it's more or less
a hobby for me, boys.

Scoot over!

Actually, today I decided...

I've gone about as far as I can go
in the animal health-care business.

The reason that I'm not
at work this afternoon...

is because I was made an offer
I cannot refuse. I sold.

Whatcha gonna do
with the cash?

Invest it overseas,
projects in Eastern Europe.

I don't know.
I've got everything.

Jim, you just bought
the animal hospital.

How come you
sold it so fast?

Tax problem.

And here's my
accountant right now.

Earl, take a bow.
Ha-ha-ha!

20 minutes for lunch.
Go buy another suit.

He works for me.

He's scouting some
real estate for me,

but the market's
real tight.

I like the new
uniform, Lorraine.

With the right
shoes and handbag,

that might be suitable
for a cocktail party.

So... question.

When in the worid are you going
to start serving sashimi?

Maybe when I find out
what it is.

You've never
heard of sashimi?

You've got
to be kidding.

It's this special
Japanese fish you eat raw.

A little
butter sauce,

and you're ready
to go to heaven.

I'd hire you in a minute if I hadn't
already fired you so many times.

Did you ever think
of leaving town?

Thousands of people
over in St. Louis...

got no idea
how full of shit you are.

You've been alive for
21 years, my friend.

Plenty of time
for most people...

to find a place
for themselves.

Well, I'm not like
everybody else.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, that's for sure.

How about if I...

I work for you
for free?

No.

I'm afraid not, Jimmy.

Think about St. Louis.

- Hey, Josie.
- Hi.

- Fill her up?
- Fill her up.

How you doin'?

You got fired again,
didn't you? Didn't you?

Who told you that?

- Hubie Marshall called me at work.
- He called you at work?

That's it, I'm gonna...
What'd he say?

He said
he fired ya!

He said that?
And you believed him?

Damn straight I do!

With all due respect, Dad,
you're Mr. Gullible. Sometimes.

The truth of the matter is,
Dad, I resigned.

- I'll tell you something else.
- Shut up, Jimmy!

I had no idea the job was
gonna be a hire/fire situation.

Luther Betenhauser's boy
is doing better.

- What's wrong with him?
- Fell off his grandfather's silo.

- He's got brain damage.
- He does not.

Hoover Fey says his tongue's gonna
hang out his mouth the rest of his life.

And when he dies,

at the funeral they're
gonna put a mask on him.

Do I have to listen to this
while I'm eating?

Let's talk about
something else.

Josie McClellan
moved to New York.

She did not.
I saw her today.

I don't know
how you could.

I heard she got tired of
taking care of her father,

and she told him
to jump in a lake,

and left to get her M.B.A.
In high-fashion design...

at the University
of New York City.

I just saw her at the gas station
in living color.

We had a cup
of java together.

I'm gonna take Lou Selby's
word over yours any day.

Lou Selby's a drunk.

For a guy who's just
lost his umpteenth job,

you sure are handy
with the tongue sword.

- You got canned again?
- Well, he didn't get canned.

He got fired.

That's gotta be a record.

Not only are you
an obnoxious slug,

but you're a freeloading
obnoxious slug.

You should talk.

In your mid-forties,
still living at home.

I'm twenty-four,
and I pay rent.

- So do I.
- You did pay rent.

Dad, you mean you're
cutting my rent?

Hell, no!

You're not paying rent because
you don't have a job or any money.

You're out of school and you live
in this house, you pay rent.

# I wanna stay home #

# I wanna stay home
right here #

# I wanna stay home
today #

Jim! Yo, Jim!

Jim, wake up!

Hey, get up!

Get u-u-up!

# When my day begins ##

You know, getting this job,

restoring your faith and pride in me
is a number-1 priority.

Priority ought to be making
something of yourself.

That's right up there.

When I was your age, I couldn't wait
to get out of my folks' house.

I love living at home.

I don't think this is such
a great place for me to work.

Okay,

say I don't get this job,
hypothetically.

Are you gonna be upset?

You don't get this job,
you're on a bus to St. Louis.

St. Louis?

Uncle Jeff's offered you
work in his garden shop.

I don't know anything
about gardening.

You will learn!

I'm getting a feeling that
you want me out of your life.

I don't want you out of my life,
I want you out of my house.

- Wow.
- Out!

Okay, okay, okay.

- Sure I can't offer you a bear claw?
- No, thanks.

- They're good, fresh.
- No, I'm fine.

You don't want one,
and I don't need one.

- Right!
- I love the darn things, though.

I could eat those by the dozen.
By the looks of it, I have.

Right.

I'm so excited that
you're considering...

joining the Target team.
We all are.

I appreciate that.

Good. Then let's cut
right to the chase.

We're prepared
to offer you $42,500 a year...

with a full benefit package.

That's dental, medical,

profit sharing, pensi?n,

expense account, car allowance,

vacation, of course,

and any and all
relocating expenses.

This is our first, best,
and last offer. What do you think?

Well... um, C. D...

with all due respect,

I came in here...

with the number forty-five
in mind, and...

Hmph.

You've got me.

Forty-five it is.

- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

- I'd like to buy you lunch.
- No, no, no.

Your money's no good here.
Lunch is mine.

- I'm not going to argue.
- Better not. I'm bigger than you.

Hang on a second.
I told her to hold my calls.

Yeah, Peg. Uh-huh.

No, it's okay.

- He's right here with me now.
- Hi, Peg.

We just closed the deal.
Uh-huh.

It was a slam-dunk, too.
I got him for forty-five.

No, he's right here.

What do you mean
he missed the plane?

Then who the hell
am I talking to?

Ohhh!

I'll, uh...
I'll get back to you.

I know a great,
little Italian place...

that has the best pasta
primatonis in the wor...

Excuse me a minute,
will you please?

- Lovely wife you have there.
- Dodge, James?

Mm-hmm.

James, I'm afraid we have
a little misunderstanding.

You see, I thought
you came in for the, uh...

operations manager's job.

I have you down here
as night cleanup boy.

Well, I'm a little overpaid...

for night cleanup boy,
wouldn't you say?

The truth is, James,
I can offer you $4.44 per hour.

Uh, four, four...
$4.44...

- $4.44.
- What about the benefits?

Two fifteen-minute breaks
and a half hour for lunch.

And the title is, uh,
night... cleanup boy.

Yes.

I'll take it.

Oh, and, uh...
Iose the curl.

- Welcome to the Target team.
- Thank you.

So the parrot says,
"Of course I can talk."

Can you fly?

I don't want any damn Japanese
automobile plant in this town.

It... it means jobs.

I don't need a job.

Your governor's tryin' to use
my town as a political chip.

I resent that.

There could be some specific
benefits for you personally.

Josie!

- Yeah?
- Come here.

Meet these gentlemen
from the governor's office.

Come on in here, honey.

Honey, I want
you to meet Bill, uh...

Uh, Bob. Bob Bosenbeck.

Bob.

Dave.

My pleasure, Dave.

Right. Dave Hockner.

I don't want to interrupt.

Very nice to meet both of you.

Bye.

Bye.

Josie?

Josie!

You pull another stunt
like you did today,

I'll beat the livin'
daylights outta you!

All right, out!

Out of the vehicle, ma'am.
Get out of here!

Get out of the car!

Right on time!

Everything's going as planned.

You ordered a limousine?

Of course.

My first day of work.

How's it gonna look
if my dad drives me?

A little treat
for getting the job.

It was only fifty bucks.

- Right on time, Henry.
- Yes, sir.

Henry, the sign... very wrong.

Ciao!

Hey, Jim, where you going?

Hello, boys.

Going to Paris on an F-14.

Got a peace meeting with the
vice president of Bulgaria.

Business, you know?
Then I'm going to Venice,

for a spaghetti dinner
with the princess of Austria.

A beautiful lady...
really big bones.

Remember to brush
your teeth, Melvin!

You, too, Sidney!
Adi?s!

Jim is so cool!

Bobby.

Got a loose tile here.
In the morning...

take care of it.

I don't need a lawsuit, okay?

I've got enough to worry about.

Who's he?

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing
in five minutes.

Bring all your purchases
to the front.

- Are you a slacker?
- No, uh, Presbyterian.

What did you say?
What did you say?

I'm askin' you
a simple question.

- Are you lazy?
- No, sir.

The last guy that wore that uniform was
a lazy slacker, and I fired his butt.

Uh, about the uniform,
will I be getting my own?

You work out, which I doubt,
you can have a new name patch.

Would I be able to have it laundered?
It smells a little like Darnell.

I don't think you know
who you're messin' with.

After you clean the
ladies' and mens' crappers...

and you'd better be able
to eat off those bowls...

you clean my coffee maker,
then wax my desk.

Uh, clean what?

- Clean my coffee maker and wax my desk!
- I got it!

Sweep the aisles,
startin' with health and beauty.

Work your way over to
juniors and misses.

Ups and downs, leaving your
debris in the cross aisles.

So, I start with
health and beauty...

I just said to start
with health and beauty!

Then you do
your cross aisles.

That'll bring your
dust bin into play.

Take the debris.
Load it into the dustbin.

Take the dustbin out
to the loading dock...

and empty it into
the receptacle.

- Got that? Easy as pie.
- Yeah.

I was employed briefly
at Del Taco, and...

I don't care about your
Del Taco experience.

We've got this problem
in this store with grazers.

- You know what a grazer is?
- Is that a farm term?

It's a customer or employee
that eats off the shelves,

similar to a cow grazing
in a field of grass.

Only this isn't a field of grass,
and you're not a cow.

There's no eatin'.
You're not being paid to eat, so don't!

- Any questions?
- Not right off hand.

- Think you can handle it?
- I'll give it the old college try.

Don't touch me!

Well, despite our
age difference,

I think I'll enjoy
working with you.

Let's get something straight.
You ain't workin' with me.

You're working for me.

- Still, it'll be fun being around you.
- I ain't gonna be near you.

I'm gonna be home pumping the pasties
out of Colleen Jackson.

- You're not going to be here?
- Hell, no.

I'm gonna be here
by myself?

That's right. And you'd better
stay out of the ladies' undergoods.

Wait a minute!
Nobody told me I'd be here alone.

- What are you doing?
- Saving money.

Wait! Are you
turning off the lights?

In 25 seconds, you got
light in every third aisle.

When the sun comes up,
turn off all the lights.

I don't understand.
Hold on!

I don't understand.
Hold on!

I'm locking you in.

When I come back at 7:00
to open up,

I'll let you out.

- You're locking me in?
- What do you take me for, a fool?

Nobody gets keys on their
first night. Nobody!

Get to work!

- What if there's a fire?
- The fire department will come.

- I could perish!
- Ha-ha-ha. Boo!

You can't do this.
I'm locked in, alone, in the dark.

That was not a part
of my employment agreement.

# You got to wash with
the crocodile in the river #

# You got to swim
with the sharks in the sea #

# You got to live with
the crooked politician #

# Trust those things
that you can never see #

# Ay yeah, yeah
Ay yeah, yeah #

# Ay yeah, yeah
Ay yeah, yeah #

Agh!

# It's a cruel, crazy
beautiful worid #

# Every day you wake up
I hope it's a blue, blue sky #

# It's a cruel, crazy
beautiful worid #

# One day
when you wake up #

# I will have to
say good-bye #

# Say good-bye #

# It's your worid
so live in it, good-bye #

# It's your worid
so live in it... ##

9:17!

Time for a break.

Hello.

Anybody out there?

When I accepted...

the post of president,
grand poobah of Target,

realizing that
I had brought...

meaningfulness,
peace, and happiness...

into the lives of
thousands of people.

Jim Dodge, of Monroe,

top moneymaker on the tour.

His father's here today,
Bud Dodge,

and sister Penny,
a sad, sad story,

was just admitted to
University Hospital.

While trying to pop a zit,
her head mysteriously exploded.

Dad! Hi!

Do you know
what time it is?

I'm starting to think about
Christmas and gifts,

because I'm in a big store
and I'm getting gift ideas.

- Hi.
- Mom, hi!

How's it going?

I finished all
my janitor stuff.

Most of it. I've got
to save some for later.

- It's easy as hell.
- Uh, honey, it's a little late.

It is kind of late.

Sleep tight.

See you in the morning.

Love you, too.

Mr. James Dodge!

He can't be happy as
the night cleanup boy.

Sweetheart,

he wants us
to call him a janitor.

Maybe I should have spent
less time harping...

and more time helping.

Harpin' and helpin'
him what?

Harpin' on him to leave,
and helpin' him become...

the good, mature,
productive person he could be.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine, thanks.
And you?

What are you doing here?

I work here.

Have a good one, Officer Don.

Okay, Carl. Let me know
if you hear anything.

You bet.

Well, sir,
she didn't leave on the bus.

Let's look for her
someplace else.

She wouldn't be dumb
enough to thumb, would she?

Does she have any friends
she might have run off with?

Boyfriends?

Just get in the car
so we can look for the girl.

I'm tired,
haven't had any coffee.

My daughter, I don't know
where the hell she is.

And you're sounding like
some goddamn preacher!

Come on, get in the car!

Prick.

Are you sure you
didn't hurt yourself?

Oh, no.
Are you kidding?

No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.

Can I ask what
you were doing?

I was roller-skating.

- I know, but why?
- Why not?

I got bored.
One thing led to another...

and I'm roller-skating
in my shorts.

Better question would be,
"What are you doing here?"

Shopping.

We've been closed
for five hours.

Yeah. I fell asleep.

- While shopping?
- No, in the ladies' dressing room.

That makes no sense.
You're a high-profile young ingenue.

I was debating whether or not
to get arrested for shoplifting.

Your father owns $10 million
worth of real estate.

- It's not my fault.
- I didn't imply such.

It seems funny
that someone of your...

- Wealth?
- If you will. Would shoplift.

I didn't do it.
I chickened out.

Would consider shoplifting.

It's a long, self-indulgent,
highly unromantic story...

about an overbearing father,

deceased mother and brother,

and a completely confused girl
who looks a little like me.

I sure am glad
you dropped by.

I was getting tired
of being with myself.

I guess... I'm what you
call a people person.

- What are you cooking?
- Hobo chicken.

It's a glazed chicken
in wine sauce...

with vegetables
and skin-on potatoes.

Silverware, silverware.

It's only 210 calories.

I don't know if you're watching
your figure, but I sure am.

If you can grab a serving spoon,
I think we'll be set.

Keep your distance
from these things.

I think it's safe
to keep five feet.

I think they're about done.

Dining room's right this way.

Mmm!

I think my father poured
the cement for your pool.

He's a cement contractor.
Good man.

Bud Dodge?

My mother works at
Hoenicker's over Christmas.

My sister's a teller
at the bank.

My brother's in grade school.
He's not employed.

I used to work at
the animal shelter,

but I was terminated.
Now I'm working here.

Do you always
talk this much?

I guess I do.

I like talking to people.

- Maybe you should go into sales.
- I've actually tried that.

Some fresh ground pepper?

Please.

Some people don't like
a lot of pepper. Say when.

That's fine.

I happen to really
like it a lot.

It enhances the natural
flavor of the chicken.

I hope you don't take
this the wrong way.

I've had dreams about you.

You've had dreams about me?

Not recently.

I've had dreams
about you in the past.

I've had dreams about
entire cheerleading squads,

so don't get me wrong.

- It's kid stuff. How 'bout you?
- Do I dream?

That's about all I do.

Raisin' a kid's hard work.
You got any kids?

No, sir. And from
listening to you,

and from observin' this,

I'm kinda grateful
Emily turned up infertile.

Shouldn't you be
cleaning up the store?

I got plenty of time.

- Big store.
- Huge.

Always smoke cigars?

I enjoy a good one
after a fine meal.

It settles the stomach.

You're the town liar,
right?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

That really came out wrong.

- How could it come out right?
- That's what people call you.

- I didn't mean to imply it's true.
- People call me that?

- I thought you knew.
- That I was the town liar?

- You didn't?
- No. I'm not.

- You have the wrong information.
- I didn't mean to offend you.

- Did you think that was a compliment?
- No. And I apologize.

- I can't repeat things like that.
- Don't think about it.

As I said, you've got
the wrong information.

If people are calling me that,

it's because they're
small, petty and jealous.

Small towns are
notorious for that.

- I'm sure there's a word for me.
- Sure.

- What do they call me?
- A tease.

Tease?

Yeah, I can see that.

Actually, I never teased.

This is becoming amusing,

- but who exactly calls me a liar?
- Everybody.

- Everybody.
- No, not everybody.

- There's some old people in town.
- Right.

- What do you think?
- What do I think?

Do you think I'm a liar?

I don't know you well enough.

You've known me for 17 years. We went to
the same schools from kindergarten on.

I knew of you, but I didn't
know you personally.

That's always bothered me.

I mean that old...
in-out, us-them thing.

- That's the way it's been.
- It's always bothered me.

- It's water over the dam now.
- But it's your dam and my water.

I got crapped on
a lot of years.

I meant that it's in the past.

The present
is a result of the past.

I look at my
high school yearbook...

and I don't see
four fabulous years.

I'm reminded of
what it feels like...

to have my underwear
yanked up my ass...

by some big football player.

And where are those guys now?

They're not working nights at Target.
I'll tell you that.

Yeah, You know...

I look at my yearbook...

and I see
four fabulous years...

that are gonna be the
highlight of my life.

Here's what it's like.

First you feel a hand
going down your pants...

and tighten around
the elastic waistband.

Highlight.

- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.
- It's not going to get better.

- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.
- It's not going to get better.

If I was particularly unlucky,

my shorts would rip completely free
and I'd get this really drastic...

Do you hear me?

Yeah.

I don't really care about a graphic
description of a childhood prank.

That prank was a motif in my life.

You know, I'm locked
in this store here...

because I didn't have
the guts to steal a skirt...

so I could get arrested
and embarrass my father...

in this stupid,
desperate, childish,

pathetic attempt to leave home.

You have your underwear
yanked up your ass.

I have my entire life
yanked up my ass!

You were speaking figuratively.
I was speaking literally.

And you're happy.
You're happy.

I'm not happy.

I'm working nights.
Everybody thinks I'm a liar.

My whole family's
laughing at me.

Reverend Harwell gave me
the finger last week.

At least you have
some control over your life.

- So do you.
- My father controls my life.

You're over 18.
You can tell him to drop dead.

- So can you.
- I don't want to.

I like living at home.

- No, you don't.
- Am I a garden snail?

An involuntary muscle
in a janitor suit?

I know what I want to do.

What could
you possibly like...

about living at
home at your age?

The meals are great.
I mean, there's cable.

The accommodations
are excellent, five-star.

What do you care if
I'm living at home or not?

Hey, I didn't come here
to irritate you.

Well, you're beginning to.

Great.
That's really great.

I gotta stop saying
those kinds of things.

Those freakin' kids!
I knew I couldn't trust 'em.

Town liar.
That's a nice rep.

I bet it was Gregory,
that little weasel.

Top secret, and they still
shoot off their mouths!

If I'd really been
a French spy,

those little tots
would've gotten me killed!

Piano wire wrapped around my neck.
My testicles shoved down my throat.

A piece of dynamite
stuck up my ass!

She's so beautiful.

And I'm the town liar.

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #

# Shiny boat through
the open doorway #

# Fell in love
on a summer day #

# You're only young once
but that's all right #

# Because it's just
so good to be alive #

# Take away your troubles
Take them out the door #

# Ohh, nothing on my mind
except my new love #

# Nothing on my mind
except my new love #

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #

# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la ##

Jim, there's
no reason to lie right now.

There's no one to impress.

I'm not impressed by a man
telling me he likes living at home.

Excuse me, I'm not lying,

and I'm not trying
to impress you.

So if you'll excuse me,

I have to clean dead flies
out of the lighting fixtures.

Okay, my error.
I apologize.

It's just that I
can't imagine a man...

giving up his independence,
his right to mate,

to have a family,

to build a life for himself,
for good cooking.

Hold on.

I have not given
up my right to mate.

I have the right to mate...

anytime I feel like mating.

You go out with someone.

You bring her home.
You introduce her to...

Mom, Dad, Sis, Billy,

Wolfie the dog.

Cocktails in the rumpus room,
and then do it on the bunk bed?

Let's analyze that remark.

I don't have a dog,

my brother's
not named Billy,

and I don't even
have a rumpus room.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Spit on me,
make me feel lousy.

Jim?

You said something
that wasn't true.

No.

No, I said that I can
have sex when I want to, and I do.

However, I was
looking forward...

to a nice, quiet evening
of janitoring.

I don't think you see
what I'm getting at.

I see what you're getting at.

I'm a lying monk with an Oedipus complex
and an appetite for home cooking.

Don't forget,
you're the indecisive shoplifter.

Yes! Exactly.

I would do anything
to be in your shoes.

These are Darnell's shoes.

You have freedom,
and you're not using it.

It makes me sad.

You have the wealth of the entire town,
and you're trying to get arrested.

- That makes me sad.
- That makes me sad, too.

- That's pretty stupid.
- It's very stupid.

Are you serious?

I mean, you haven't
been drinking?

This isn't
the bottle talking?

No.

Then why don't you
just talk to the guy?

For the same reason that
you can't leave home,

I can't tell my father
to go to hell.

Why not?

Because I don't
want to be alone.

Mr. McClellan?

You ever have any family problems,
you and your daughter?

What the hell
do you think this is?

You got a point.

Would you go
with me somewhere?

- Where?
- Florida?

Wyoming? Spain?

It doesn't really matter,
just away somewhere.

I'd love to.

I just can't afford to be...

capricious and carefree
like yourself.

I've gotta set my sights on
something, and really go for it.

- Night janitor?
- It's a beginning.

- I-I'm lookin' at...
- It's an end.

Maybe if you had
a destination in mind,

that would make all the
difference in the worid.

- Why?
- Well, uh,

I'm just not built to
aimlessly roam the worid.

I'm too conservative for that.

Well, I was thinking
about Los ?ngeles.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- What for?
- Live, work.

- At what?
- Whatever.

And what about
your father?

When I don't die,

he'll realize I can
make it on my own.

If I do, he'll have the satisfaction
of knowing that I can't.

If he brings me back,
or if I go back on my own,

he's just gonna beat
the shit out of me.

- So it doesn't make a difference.
- Literally?

Yeah.

- Sad.
- Yeah, it's sad.

Until he throws you across
the room, it's sad.

I'm afraid to live with him,
and I'm afraid to live without...

You didn't come to work
to hear this stuff. I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna clean this up.

I'm just surprised.

I thought everything
was okay, you know.

I figured you got a nice car,
a nice house, some money.

- Everything's okay.
- It should be, but it's not.

It's twisted
and it's distorted,

and it can't be changed
and it cannot be saved.

I'll go with you.

Really?

Yeah.

We have to get a car.

Let's get through
the night, first.

- I have money.
- How much?

Fifty-two thousand dollars.

On you?

In my purse.

Fifty-two thousand dollars.
Wow.

I've never seen
so much money in my life.

This is more than
my house cost.

Jim, now that I'm
spending the night,

how can I pay you back...

for being so cold
to you in high school?

Do you need an
answer right away?

No. Sometime before
the sun comes up.

Well, uh,

you're probably not
going to remember this,

but, uh,

there was a homecoming dance
our sophomore year.

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you remember Mrs. Noble?

Large, hairy gym teacher with
suspiciously cumbersome groin bulge?

I had her for two years.

She made everybody
switch partners...

because the fat giris
were dancing together,

and the doinks, myself included, were
against the wall blowing spit bubbles.

Right.

Well, for three-quarters...

of one verse of a slow song,

we danced together.

You reeked of Stri-Dex.

Oh, no, that was Larry Fry.

I'm sorry.

I don't remember.

- You got your hair caught in my braces.
- I don't remember.

Well, it's not important.

I had...
Well, I had just always...

dreamed of finishing that dance.

Okay.

Don't feel you have
to answer right away.

It's just a small portion
of my life that's incomplete.

I thought you were gonna
say something different.

Well,

first things first.

# When things go wrong #

# As they sometimes will #

# When the road you're trodding
seems all uphill #

# When the funds are low #

# And the debts are high #

# And you wanna smile
but you have to sigh #

# When care is pressing
you down a bit #

# Rest if you must #

# But don't you quit #

# Oh no #

# Don't you quit #

# Oh no #

# But you never can tell #

# How close you are #

# It may be near
when it seems so far #

# Ooo ooo ##

You're ticklish there?

Aaah!

Ow.

Officer Don!

You scared the crap out of me.
I thought it was the custodian.

What are you doing?

I work here now.

You wanna let me in?

I'd love to.
I don't have the keys.

I'm locked in 'til 7 a.m.

- What's going on?
- Have you seen Josie McClellan?

Of course.

Uh, dark hair,
green eyes, beautiful.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

- You seen her recently?
- Oh!

Ah... I just
saw her yesterday.

We had a cup
of java together.

She come into the store?

I don't know.
I only work nights.

- Why?
- Well... she's missing.

I was looking this side
of town for her and I come past.

I seen that
the outside sign's on.

- The outside sign's never on.
- Oh, yeah.

Did you try the library?
Maybe she fell asleep reading.

No.

She's probably screwing somebody...

the old man don't approve of.

Would you know if the custodian
comes by to check up on people?

I wouldn't think
he'd do that, Jimmy.

I feel pretty good now.

I'm sorry, sir.

I had to practice
a little therapy.

Boy's in his own worid.

# Can't believe
you've left me #

# So know that
you've upset me #

# You just want
to forget me #

# Why don't you
come and get me #

# And, boy
I really miss you #

# And all I wanna do
is kiss you #

# I've used up
all my tissues #

# 'Cause it's more serious
some issues #

# I don't even know
the reason #

# You were playin'
and you were teasin' #

# Didn't tell me
you were leavin' #

# Those good looks
are deceivin' #

# Where are you, baby
We used to have so much fun #

# You drive me crazy #

# Somebody tell me
where he's gone #

# Where are you, baby
We used to have so much fun #

# You drive me crazy #

# You peep in
through the window #

# This is too much
for me to handle #

# Already caused a scandal
a disturbance like a vandal #

# I've lost track
of all time #

# 'Cause you're always
on my mind #

# You're just that type of guy
that'll make me cry #

# Oh why, oh why, oh why
Oh why has he disappeared #

# This feeling
is really weird #

# You're reckless and you're dear
Can you feel when I drop these tears #

# Where are you, baby
We used to have so much fun #

# You drive me crazy #

# Somebody tell me
where he's gone #

# Where are you, baby
We used to have so much fun #

# You drive me crazy #

# Where are you, baby
We used to have so much fun ##

Aaah!

Why don't we get
underneath the bench?

Do you want to get on top?

You check the office.
I'll scope the dressing rooms.

Right.

You're on top.

- Did you want to be on top?
- Oh, no.

I'm fine where I am.

Sure.

Ow, ow, ow.

I think he went
to the back.

Evening.

Nice.

Excellent.

Hey, you got a tattoo?

No, sir.

- Not you, asshole!
- I'm a missing person.

The whole town
is looking for me.

- You hidin' out?
- Yes.

I'd appreciate it
if you'd let us sit up.

- What about the tattoo?
- I don't have one.

- You owe me a buck.
- Actually, it's up to two.

I borrowed that one
off you at Burger King.

Excuse me!

Are you planning to shoot us
in the back of the head?

We haven't decided yet,
have we?

Who are you?

Ah... you don't
want to know.

Wouldn't have asked if
he didn't want to know!

- He's a little crazy. He's my brother.
- That's not true.

She doesn't even know me.

- Somebody better start
talking straight here.
- That's the truth.

Okay.

You want to know?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, good. But...

come on over here.

- What?
- Come on over.

Come on over here!

Over here.

Come on down here.

That's right.
Down here!

Okay.

You dumb sons of bitches!

Do you realize
that you have just walked...

straight into a $60-million
drug transaction?

You're running this multi-zillion-dollar
drug transaction by yourself?

- Little Target boy?
- No.

No, I'm not
doing it by myself.

Oh, no, no.

As a matter of fact,

in about 10 minutes...

this place is gonna
be alive with the meanest,

ugliest, most impatient animals
you guys have ever seen.

I'll give you five minutes
to take...

whatever you want
in the whole store.

I won't tell.
Take your guns and go.

Okay, then,
who's the girl?

- I'm his hostage.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.

Is that true?
Hmm?

Yes!
Yes, it's true.

And, um...

if the deal doesn't go down,
she becomes pig feed.

Bullshit.

Oh, really?

- Well, blow her away.
- That's bullshit!

Okay.

Then give me your guns
and I'll do it for you.

It's bullshit, right?

We'll see.

Roll over.

- You heard him.
- What?

Roll over!
You too, honey.

You heard me.
Roll over. Do it!

Come on, come on!
Roll! That's it.

- Very good.
- Mmm! Yeah.

Um... give me the guns!

No way, man.
Uh-uh.

Fine.

You do it.
I don't need her anymore.

- I only needed her
to get through customs.
- I don't like this.

This sucks.
It's not worth it.

- We don't have time. Do it!
- All right.

It's nothing personal.

- Jim!
- Too late. They're here!

It's too late.
They're here.

Men, hold your fire.

Ned, Tommy,
hold your fire.

There are infrared scopes
trained on your heads.

- We didn't want this!
- It's the girl you want, not us!

Ned, we got a WD-40.
That's right, a full-scale PMS.

Okay, everybody just relax!

Everybody, just relax!
The place is gonna blow.

Just relax.
Now, put down your guns.

They're putting down the guns.
Are you putting them down?

Get down 'cause
lives are at stake.

Let go. Now get back.

Get back. Spread 'em.
Spread the legs. Put down the dogs.

Okay, put the dogs down.

Both of 'em!

Put the dogs down!
Down!

- That was great!
- I got a surprise for you guys.

We have a bit
of a surprise for you.

Them guns aren't loaded.

I got an idea.
How about a truce?

I'm full of shit.
You're full of shit.

Everybody at one time
is full of shit.

I'll throw on some corn dogs
and we'll get to know each other.

I'd like to know what
goes on inside your heads.

- Okay, you had the big one...
- No.

Sorry. I could've sworn
you had the big one.

Ha!

I lied.

These are the men that
killed that guy in Saltburg.

I'm fairly sure
that we're gonna die.

I'm disappointed we're not
going to California together.

We're not dead yet.

Pretty darn close.

If I can get them
to take me with them,

maybe I can get away
and come back for you.

We need a car and
they obviously have one.

Just...

- go along with whatever I do.
- Okay.

So, what's the word
on you two?

Are you married?
Obviously...

you're hack crooks if you can't
pull off a discount store job.

What were you planning
to steal? Hair spray?

Sorry.

Lady, you got a job?

No.

Then don't knock ours.

Crime isn't a job.
It's a sickness.

Whoops. Anyone
have some change?

You look like a lady
in need of a quarter.

I might need more
than just a quarter.

- You know...
- No.

You and I could make
a lot of money.

Honey, me and Nestor are partners.

- We don't need a third.
- You don't know, so shut up.

Hop on.

Now.
Let's go now.

Know what you are?

Yeah.

You are one good-looking
ball of trouble.

Good.

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Go #

What do you think,
for the car?

- This one?
- The whole thing. We'll lay it in back.

We got multi-cassette
capabilities.

Think of the sound!

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

# Ya-ya-ya-ya
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #

I'm not helping you
load your car.

Think again, boy.

You're not taking the
stolen merchandise out.

- I'm not gonna let you.
- Get out.

It's stolen.
All of it!

- Gimme that!
- No!

- Give it to me!
- It's mine!

But where...

Wait a minute.

- You're not going with them?
- Yeah.

You'll be an accessory.

- So?
- You don't know anything about them.

You certainly don't know
anything about him!

These are hardened
criminals here!

That's enough!

Don't waste your time.
You could get a hernia.

If my foot could talk,

it'd say, "May I please
go up this geek's ass?"

- Forget him!
- All right.

He's no use to us.
He's built like an oyster.

Listen.

If you tell on us,

I'll kill you.

Fine.

Jim?

Don't be an ass.

Okay, Jimbo?

Let's go, shall we?

Ahem.

C'mon, come on!

You got it?

I got 'em, I got 'em.

That wasn't a store robbery.

That was an assassination.

That wasn't a clerk.
That was a wise guy.

How do I know?
I spent a little time...

with the FBI's
organized crime unit.

I'm intimately knowledgeable
with the seedy...

workings of the Mob in the
midwest section of this country.

I know a gangland slaying
when I see one,

and that's exactly
what this baby is.

I'd look into it
myself personally,

but I got a date tonight.

Attention, Target shoppers.

Jim?

He is so cool!

# Got my ray-bans on
every day and night #

# Got a one-track mind
that I wanna hide #

# Got an easy job
that I try to keep #

# Got a bunch of giris
and I got 'em cheap #

# Got a million things
that I wanna do #

# But I waste my time
hangin' out with you #

# It's not because
I'm really easy to please #

# It's not the way you
bring me down on my knees #

# It's just a feeling
but it keeps coming back #

# It's a tiny little
heart attack #

# Got a big guitar
lookin' dynamite #

# Got a Thunderbird
that I drive all night #

# Got a shoeshine boy
working overtime #

# Gotta grow up soon
but I never mind #

# Got a big fat guy
takin' all the blame #

# For the chairs I break
when you call my name #

# It's not because
I'm really easy to please #

# It's not the way you
bring me down on my knees #

# It's just a feeling
but it keeps coming back #

# It's a tiny little
heart attack #

# Just a tiny little
heart attack #

# Got a snakeskin suit
that I really like #

# Lookin' like the devil
on a Friday night #

# Got a shark outside
in the swimming pool #

# But there won't be trouble
if you're stayin' cool #

# Got my mind made up
that I'm leavin' you #

# But it won't be easy
No, it won't be true #

# Got a snakeskin suit
that I really like #

# Lookin' like the devil
on a Friday night #

# Got a shark outside
in the swimming pool #

# But there won't be trouble
if you're stayin' cool #

# Got my mind made up
that I'm leavin' you #

# But it won't be easy
No, it won't be true #

# I'll never make it
through a Saturday night #

# I'll never make
another move in the lights #

# 'Cause if I see you and
you're lookin' like that #

# I'll get a tiny little
heart attack #

# It's not because
I'm really easy to please #

# It's not the way you
bring me down on my knees #

# It's just a feeling
but it keeps coming back #

# It's a tiny little
heart attack #

# Give me a tiny little
heart attack #

# Give me a tiny little
heart attack #

# I want a tiny little
heart attack #

# Give me a tiny little
heart attack #

# I want a tiny little
heart attack ##