Car 54, Where Are You? (1994) - full transcript

Brash NYC policeman Officer Gunther Toody is partnered with stiff, by-the-book Officer Francis Muldoon to protect an important mafia witness prior to testifying against orgainzed crime in Brooklyn, all the while dealing with their personal lives, overbearing spouses, common criminals, arms dealers, and their officious boss Captain Anderson.

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Police radio:
TOODY, COME IN.
GIVE ME YOUR LOCATION.

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?!

( whistling )

( meows )

( squawks )

NO, NO, NO, NO--

NOT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,
LITTLE BUDDY.

NOW, COME ON-- GET ALONG.

♪ OH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY
IN BROOKLYN ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY OF PARADISE
HERE IN THE 53rd ♪



♪ ANOTHER PERFECT DAY
IN THE BOROUGH BY THE BAY ♪

♪ THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE
FOR ME ♪

♪ THAN IN THE SHADOW
OF THE B.Q.E. ♪

♪ GUNTHER TOODY

♪ WE LOVE YOU

WHAT CAN I SAY?

YO! YO, GUNTHER!

Woman:
♪ BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG

♪ THERE WAS MAYHEM
ON THE BEAT ♪

♪ THERE WAS PUNKS, BUMS,
THUGS AND STUFF ♪

♪ ALL LITTERING
THE STREETS ♪

♪ NOT TO WORRY,
MRS. ROBB ♪

♪ GUNTHER TOODY'S
ON THE JOB ♪

♪ GUNTHER TOODY,
OUR PROTECTOR ♪



♪ GUNTHER TOODY,
ONE OF THE GREATS ♪

♪ SERVES HIS FELLOW MAN
WITH LOVE ♪

♪ A KINDER, GENTLER
DARYL GATES ♪

♪ NO ONE'S SAFE
IN THE HUMAN RACE ♪

♪ WHEN GUNTHER TOODY'S
ON THE CASE ♪

♪ GUNTHER TOODY,
WE LOVE YOU ♪

♪ GUNTHER TOODY,
OUR HERO ♪

Radio: CAR 54,
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CAR 54, UH--
TOODY HERE.

TOODY! WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?!

WE'RE JUST OUT HERE, UH,

HELPIN' THE BOYS IN THE 12th
WITH THE RIOT, SIR.

RIOT? WHAT'S THE SITUATION
DOWN THERE?

WELL, SIR, IF YOU WANT
MY EDUCATED OPINION,

I THINK
IT'S A COMMUNITY INFLUX.

TOODY, IF YOU'RE NOT
BACK HERE IN TWO MINUTES,

I'LL KICK YOUR BUTT SO FAST

YOU'LL THINK I'M IN
YOUR HIP POCKET!

YES, SIR.

JUST A COUPLE MORE DAYS
TILL MY RETIREMENT--PLEASE!

OH, MAN!

HEY, SCHNAUZER!

WHADDYA DOIN' DOWN THERE?
GET UP!

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY
FROM YOUR DUTY!

I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY
FROM MY DUTY!

I'M RUNNING AWAY
FROM YOU!

WHEREVER YOU GO,
DISASTER FOLLOWS!

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ OOH! OOH!

♪ ONCE IN MY LIFE I'D LIKE
A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ♪

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ WORK IT, BUST IT OUT
ON A HOT TIP ♪

♪ TWO OF NEW YORK'S FINEST

♪ YOU'RE BUSTED

♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE
WHEN YOU BREAK THE LAW ♪

♪ YOU WANT SOME MORE?
GIVE 'EM CAR 54 ♪

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ THIS AIN'T NO BATMAN

♪ THIS AIN'T NO DICK TRACY

♪ DON'T EVEN
GIVE ME THAT, MAN ♪

♪ MUTANT NINJA TURTLES--
PLEASE! ♪

♪ YOU'RE BUSTED, SUCKER

♪ YOU CAN'T DO THE CRIME,
DON'T DO THE TIME ♪

♪ JUST ONCE I WISH I COULD
GET A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ♪

♪ UP IN THE BRONX,
THINGS ARE LOOKING
PRETTY BAD ♪

♪ THE PEOPLE ARE CRACKED UP,
THE TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP ♪

♪ IN JACKSON HEIGHTS,
PEOPLE LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT ♪

♪ THINGS JUST AIN'T RIGHT,
WHERE' CAR 54 TONIGHT? ♪

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ YEAH, CAR 54,
WHERE ARE YOU? ♪

♪ GORBACHAV IS LANDING
OUT AT JFK ♪

♪ OOH! OOH!
WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING! ♪

♪ BOYS SCOUTS
ROBBIN' IN THE USA ♪

♪ OOH! OOH!
I'LL ASK MY WIFE ♪

♪ THE YOUNG
ARE DISSIN' THE OLD,
DRUGS ARE GETTIN' SOLD ♪

♪ THINGS ARE OUTTA CONTROL,
WE GOTTA STOP THAT COLD! ♪

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ WHERE'S CAR 54?!

HEY! HELP!
POLICE!

♪ THIS AIN'T NO BATMAN

♪ THIS AIN'T NO DICK TRACY

♪ I DON'T EVEN PLAY THAT,
DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THAT, MAN ♪

♪ MUTANT NINJA TURTLES--
PLEASE! ♪

♪ YOU'RE BUSTED, SUCKER

♪ IF YOU CAN'T DO THE CRIME,
DON'T DO THE TIME ♪

♪ JUST ONCE I WISH I COULD
GET A CRACK AT A SWORDFISH ♪

♪ UP IN THE BRONX,
THINGS ARE LOOKIN'
PRETTY BAD ♪

♪ THE PEOPLE ARE CRACKED UP,
THE TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP ♪

♪ IN JACKSON HEIGHTS,
PEOPLE LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT ♪

♪ THINGS JUST AIN'T RIGHT,
WHERE'S CAR 54 TONIGHT? ♪

♪ CAR 54

♪ OOH! OOH!

♪ CAR 54

( horns honking )

Radio:
CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54, PLEASE
STATE YOUR LOCATION.

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

CAR 54!

WHERE ARE YOU?!

( rap music blaring
from boom box )

HOW MUCH FOR AN OUTDOOR NOISE
AMPLIFICATION PERMIT?

FIVE DOLLARS A DAY.

THAT'S STUPID CHEAP!

I WANT 365 OF 'EM.

HEY! HEY! YOU GUYS!
YOU SHOULDA SEEN US!

JUST ME AND MY PARTNER
AGAINST MAYBE 100 RIOTERS!

IT WAS AWESOME!
RIGHT, SCHNAUZER?

WHATEVER YOU SAY,
GUNTHER.

DOES ANYBODY
HAVE A MAALOX?

THERE WAS MAYBE 150 OF 'EM!

IT WAS JUST LIKE A SCENE
OUTTA ONE OF THEM COP SHOWS!

I NEVER SAW ANYTHING
LIKE IT IN MY LIFE!

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.

NOTICE HERE ON THE BOARD--

"MAXIMUM AUTOMATED DEPLOYMENT
FOR CRIMINAL OPERATIONS

AND POLICE PROCEDURES."

"MAD COPP."

I'M TELLIN' YOU,

THIS IS A PROUD DAY
FOR THE 53rd.

WE'RE FINALLY
GETTING ORGANIZED.

GONNA BE A LOT OF CHANGES
TAKING PLACE AROUND HERE.

TO BEGIN WITH,
WE HAVE A NEW RECRUIT.

THE POLICE ACADEMY
IS TURNING OUT

A DIFFERENT BREED
OF COP NOWADAYS,

AND I'M PROUD
TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE FUTURE OF
LAW ENFORCEMENT.

OFFICER FRANCIS MULDOON.

OFFICER MULDOON

IS THE MOST
DECORATED GRADUATE
OF THE ACADEMY,

AND HE IS EXTREMELY
WELL-VERSED

IN EVERY ASPECT
OF THIS NEW SYSTEM.

AS OF TOMORROW NIGHT,

HE WILL BE OFFICER TOODY'S
NEW PARTNER.

OFFICER MULDOON,
THEY'RE ALL YOURS.

THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, SIR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TODAY IS AN EXCITING DAY...

BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST DAY

IN THE REST OF
YOUR LAW ENFORCEMENT CAREERS.

NOT MINE, NOT MINE.

COMPUTERS, SATELLITES,

PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT--
YOU'LL BE LEARNING IT ALL.

WHY? QUITE FRANKLY,

TO KEEP THE GUTTER-LOVING
SCUM OF THIS PLANET
FROM DESTROYING

THE MORAL FABRIC
OF OUR GREAT NATION,

SO THAT OUR MOTHERS
CAN WALK THE STREETS
AT NIGHT.

WHY, IS YOUR MOTHER
A STREET WALKER?
HA HA HA!

BUT FIRST,
WE HAVE TO PREPARE,

AS I'M SURE
YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE.

MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY...
SPIRITUALLY.

SO STARTING TOMORROW,

ALL OFFICERS WILL BE EXPECTED
TO REPORT ONE HOUR EARLY

BEFORE THEIR SHIFT
FOR CLASSES IN MAD COPP,

AND THEN ONE HOUR
EVERY NIGHT

FOR PHYSICAL TRAINING
AFTER THEIR DAY SHIFT.

THAT'S TWO
EXTRA HOURS!
YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND THAT'S WITHOUT
ANY ADDITIONAL COMPENSATION.

THANK YOU
FOR VOLUNTEERING.

SO, FRANCIS,

TELL ME SOMETHING
ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT WE GET TO
KNOW EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY
DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER,

AND OF COURSE,
IT MAKES FOR A BETTER

WORKING RELATIONSHIP--
DON'T YOU THINK?

OFFICER TOODY,
I DON'T BELIEVE IN

IDLE CHIT-CHAT
DURING PATROLS.

IT BREAKS UP CONCENTRATION,
AND WE JUST
MIGHT MISS A CRIME.

Woman: HELP! HELP!

RIGHT THERE!

( siren )

HELP! HELP!

HE ROBBED ME!
I GOT HIM, MA'AM.

DON'T SHOOT!

WHAT HAPPENED,
MRS. PEROGI?

HE ORDER A LOX, TOMATO
AND ONION SANDWICH

AND HE DIDN'T PAY!

HOW MUCH DID
THE SANDWICH COST,
MRS. PEROGI?

FOUR DOLLARS
AND FIFTY-FIVE CENTS.

HERE. KEEP THE CHANGE.

WE'LL FORGET
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

OFFICER TOODY, WE SHOULD
BE TAKING THAT WOMAN

DOWN TO THE PRECINCT
IMMEDIATELY
FOR A POSITIVE I.D.

ON THE CULPRIT.

SIDEBURNS, CAP--
IT'S GANG-RELATED.

OH, YEAH.

THE ONES WITH THE BEANIES,
THEY'RE THE WORST!

SHOULDA HAD HIM.

Anderson:
COME IN, GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO THE 53rd.

CAPTAIN,
BEFORE WE BEGIN,

IS THIS OFFICE SECURE?

SECURE?

WELL, I GET A NICE FEELING
WHEN I COME IN HERE.

NO. NO, SIR,
WE'RE TALKING BUG-WISE.

OH, BUG-WISE.

WELL, THERE, YOU GOT ME.

THEY FUMIGATE
REGULARLY HERE,

BUT THIS BUILDING IS SO OLD.

LISTENING DEVICES, CAPTAIN.

OH, THAT KIND OF BUG.

CAPTAIN, WE HAVE
A VERY IMPORTANT WITNESS

WE'D LIKE YOU
TO PUT ON ICE.

NO PROBLEM.

WE HAVE ICED
MANY A WITNESS.

WHO IS HE?

HERBERT HORTZ.

HERBERT HORTZ.

AND AGAINST WHOM
IS HE TESTIFYING?

DON MOTTI.

GENTLEMEN, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER!

DON "PRETTY BOY" MOTTI

IS THE MOST RUTHLESS THUG
IN THE CITY!

Man: AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T STEP INSIDE THE CIRCLE.

HE DON'T LIKE TO BE CRAMPED.

HE HATES SMALL PLACES.

MR. MOTTI, THIS IS NICO.

THE GUY I WAS
TELLIN' YOU ABOUT.

YES, NICO.

SIT DOWN.

CARLO,
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?
GET NICO A DRINK.

GOT IT.

MR. MOTTI.

FOR ME,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS
TO MAKE ACQUAINTANCES
WITH YOURSELF.

WHY IS IT ALL YOU THUGS
TALK LIKE YOU WENT
TO FINISHING SCHOOL

WITH ROBERT De NIRO?

DID CARLO FILL YOU IN?

CARLO HAS INFORMED ME

ABOUT THE UNFORTUNATE
ABDUCTION OF YOUR CLOSEST
FINANCIAL ADVISOR,

MR. HORTZ,
BY THE AUTHORITIES.

HE'S NOT MY CLOSEST
FINANCIAL ADVISOR.

HE'S A GOD DAMN BOOKKEEPER

AND I WANT YOU TO
BLOW THE SON-OF-A-BITCH AWAY

BEFORE HE TESTIFIES TO
THE GRAND JURY ON FRIDAY.

SORRY, BOSS.

I'M A RESPECTED MAN.

I CARE ABOUT SOCIAL ISSUES.

SUCH AS?

RECYCLING, BOSS?

RECYCLING.

MY GARBAGE COMPANY
WAS THE FIRST IN THE CITY

TO START SEPARATING
ITS TRASH.

MEDICAL TO LONG ISLAND,
TOXICS TO JERSEY.

I GOT MY IMAGE
TO THINK ABOUT.

SO YOU BLOW
THE SQUEALER AWAY,
AND MAKE ME A HAPPY MAN.

MR. MOTTI,

I ASSURE YOU THAT MR. HORTZ
WILL SLEEP WITH THE FISHES

BEFORE THE SUN SETS.

SALUD.

SALUD.

AWRIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE.

THANK YOU.

( whispers )
He's claustrophobic.

He don't like
dark little places.

Know what I mean?

LUCILLE, I'M HOME!

GRRR... RUFF!

HEY, I'M STARVED.
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

TOSSED SALAD?

YOU COME HOME
AT 11:00 AT NIGHT,
GUNTHER,

YOU EXPECT ME TO JUMP
AND WHIP YOU UP
SOMETHIN' TO EAT?

YOU GOT NERVE,
GUNTHER TOODY,
YOU REALLY GOT NERVE!

NOT NERVE, LUCILLE--

HUNGER!

NOT IN THIS LIFETIME,
BUSTER!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

I HAD TO
DECORATE THE REC ROOM
FOR SCHNAUZER'S PARTY.

WHAT, A STAG FUNCTION,
IS THAT IT, GUNTHER?

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
HAVE A BIG CAKE,

YOU GONNA HAVE GIRLS
IN LITTLE
DENTAL FLOSS BIKINIS

JUMPIN' OUTTA THERE,
GETTIN' DOWN ON THEIR KNEES,

DOIN' WRETCHED THINGS
TO YOU SO-CALLED
OFFICERS OF THE LAW?

I PICTURE THE WHOLE THING,
GUNTHER TOODY.

NOT EVEN CLOSE,
LUCILLE.

IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, TOO BAD
LEO'S NOT YOUR WIFE.

THEN HE'D BE SURPRISED
EVERY DAY JUST HOW
MISERABLE HIS LIFE IS.

COME ON, LUCILLE,
I JUST GOT HOME!

ARE YOU CHEATIN' ON ME,
GUNTHER TOODY?

CHEATING?

ARE YOU CRAZY?
YOU'D KILL ME!

WORSE.

I WOULD TAKE
YOUR SCROTUM, STRETCH IT
UP OVER YOUR HEAD,

AND I WOULD USE YOU
AS A PUNCHING BAG!

LUCILLE, I'M SENSING
SOME HOSTILITY HERE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

COP GROUPIES.
COP GROUPIES?

YES, COP GROUPIES.

TODAY ON GERALDO.
I SAW THE WHOLE THING.

THESE BEAUTIFUL,
GORGEOUS, THIN WOMEN

WHO HAVE RAVENOUS
SEXUAL APPETITES

FOR ANY GUY
WITH A BADGE
AND A UNIFORM,

NO MATTER HOW PATHETIC,
LAME OR GROSS HE MIGHT BE.

IT MADE ME
THINK OF YOU, GUNTHER.

THAT'S ONLY IN CALIFORNIA.

IN BROOKLYN,
YOU GOTTA PAY.

OH, GUNTHER!

LUCILLE.
WHAT?

WHY WOULD I GO OUT
FOR HAMBURGER

WHEN I GOT STEAK AT HOME?

DO YOU MEAN IT,
GUNTHER?

YEAH, I MEAN IT.

NOW MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

OKAY, HONEY.
I'M SO SORRY,

I WAS CRAZY THERE
FOR A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW HOW I GET
WHEN I'M WATCHIN'
MY SHOWS HERE ALL DAY.

TV: ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE
OF BOYS IN BLUE,

WHERE EACH WEEK
WE HIT THE STREETS

TO BRING YOU REAL LIVE DRAMA
WITH REAL LIVE COPS.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY,
YOUR FAVORITE.

I WAS WATCHIN'
SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL TODAY,

AND IT WAS A SHOW
ABOUT SPOUSES

AND COMMUNICATION
AND EVERYTHING,

IT WAS ABOUT TALKING
AND INTIMACY,

AND I WAS THINKING
MAYBE TONIGHT

YOU AND ME COULD
NOT WATCH TV,

INSTEAD WE COULD
JUST TALK.

LUCILLE,
THIS IS POLICE BUSINESS.

I'LL GIVE YOU
POLICE BUSINESS, GUNTHER,

I'LL GIVE YOU A HOMICIDE,
IS WHAT I'LL GIVE YOU!

I WANNA TALK, GUNTHER.

LUCILLE, I BEG YOU.

JUST GIVE ME 30 MINUTES
TO WATCH MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

OKAY? JUST 30 MINUTES.

AND THEN, I PROMISE YOU,
YOU CAN TORTURE ME--

I MEAN, WE CAN TALK
ALL YOU WANT,
ALL NIGHT LONG.

THANKS A LOT, GUNTHER TOODY,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

( siren )

SEE, HONEY.

THAT'S GONNA BE
YOUR HUSBAND.

RIGHT THERE ON TELEVISION.

SOMEDAY THAT'S
GONNA BE ME.

OH, REALLY?

I'M WATCHING THE NEWS,
GUNTHER.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

TV: AN EXPLOSION TODAY
ROCKED THE WALLS

OF AN EASTERN AVENUE
WAREHOUSE WHERE
HERBERT HORTZ,

EX-ACCOUNTANT FOR
REPUTED MOB FIGURE DON MOTTI

IS BEING HELD
IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.

HORTZ HAS TURNED
STATE'S EVIDENCE

IN WHAT COULD BE ONE OF THE
LARGEST RACKETEERING TRIALS

IN RECENT HISTORY.

HE IS BEING MOVED TO
AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

AFTER NARROWLY ESCAPING
WHAT APPEARS TO BE

A CRUDE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT.

Anderson: YEAH, FELLAS,
FOLLOW ME RIGHT THIS WAY.

NATHAN'S HERE.

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS REALLY
OUR HOLDING FACILITY,

BUT I THINK WE COULD
MAKE MR. HORTZ

NICE AND COMFORTABLE
RIGHT HERE.

IN HERE?
YES. WE'RE IN A LITTLE

RENOVATION PROCESS NOW,

BUT THIS IS
OUR NICEST CELL,

AND HERE'S A LITTLE
FLOWERY WELCOME FOR YOU.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GOT
A LITTLE RODENT PROBLEM.

NO, THE RODENTS
DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

WELL, IF IT'S
GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE RATS,
IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

OKAY! WELL, THEN,
I'M GOING TO JAIL!

I'LL BE SLEEPING IN HERE,
THEN, RIGHT, CAPTAIN?

YES. YOU'RE
IN TIME FOR LUNCH.

THE CITY PROVIDES
A GOURMET HOT DOG
FROM NATHAN'S,

AND A CUP OF
STEAMING BLACK COFFEE.

YOU GOTTA BE
KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

I DON'T EAT
THAT KIND OF FOOD.

I'M VERY HEALTH-CONSCIOUS.

I NEED SOME FIBER, OKAY?
EXPOSE MY COLON.

HA HA HA! ALL RIGHT?

FRESH GARDEN SALAD.
GARDEN SALAD?

GARDEN SALAD. OKAY?

I ALSO NEED AN ESPRESSO,
LIGHT ON THE FOAM--

LIGHT ON THE FOAM,
AND, OH, I NEED A TAILOR.

I NEED A TAILOR BECAUSE
MY JACKET'S RIPPED.

BRRWWAH!

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU,
BUT I WAS IN AN EXPLOSION.

LOOK. IT'S THAT MOB GUY
FROM THE NEWS.

OFFICER TOODY,
I KNEW THAT.

UH, CAPTAIN?
YES?

WE'RE ALL SET.
OH, MR. HORTZ.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
OUT NEWEST PATROLMAN,

OFFICER FRANCIS MULDOON.

HE IS A KEY PLAYER
IN OUR RENOVATION PROGRAM.

OH, GREAT!

WELCOME ABOARD.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

LET'S START IN HERE,
SHALL WE?

OKAY, I NEED A FUTON
INSTEAD OF THAT COT.

RIGHT.
I INHERITED SOME TERRIBLE
LOWER BACK PROBLEMS.

ALSO, IF WE COULD GET
ONE WINDOW RIGHT THERE,

FOR A LITTLE
EASTERN EXPOSURE.

OW! OW!

JUST LIKE MARLON PERKINS
ON WILD KINGDOM!

WHAT DID YOU
DO THAT FOR?!

MR. HORTZ, YOU NOW EMIT
AN ELECTRONIC SIGNAL

FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

CAPTAIN, UNTIL WE GET HIM
TO THE GRAND JURY,

WE'LL BE ABLE
TO MONITOR HIM ANYWHERE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

DOES THIS MEAN I'M GAY?

HOLD IT. IS IT THE LEFT
OR THE RIGHT? I FORGOT.

YEAH, LET ME SPEAK
TO MR. MOTTI.

I'VE GOT SOME NEWS
FOR HIM.

Lucille: QUIET DOWN,
EVERYBODY, HE'S COMING!

All: SURPRISE!!!

HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!

I LOVE YOU...

LEO!

( music starts )

♪ WHEN I OPENED MY EYES
AND FINALLY LOOKED ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ I WAS IN THE POT,
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

HEY, COME ON BACK
AND JOIN THE PARTY.

WHAT'S IT TO YA?

I HAVE FOUND IN THE PAST
THAT FAMILIARITY
BREEDS INTIMACY,

WHICH IS AN OBSTACLE
TO ANY POLICEMAN'S
COMPLETION OF HIS WORK.

COME ON!

I'LL TEACH YA
HOW TO MAMBO!

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ A PARTY LIKE THIS
IS HARD TO FIND ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ EVERYBODY'S SHAKIN'
THEIR BEHIND ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ I THINK SOMEBODY
STOLE MY LINE ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

Woman:
WHO INVITED HIM?

Man: I THOUGHT
HE WAS DEAD.

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ THIS PARTY'S GONNA
BE A CRAZE ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ I'VE BEEN WORKIN'
ALL WEEK... ♪

Gunther:
ONE, TWO, THREE...

OKAY, GO!

I GOTTA FIND
THE METER MAID?
YEAH.

YOU'RE GETTIN' HOT!

OH, LEO,
YOU'RE BURNIN' UP!

Leo: AAAHHH!!!

OH, MY GOD!

SCHNAUZER!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING DOWN THERE?!

REPENT, YOU SINNERS!

PRAISE JESUS!

PRAISE ELVIS,

AND PRAISE JACK LORD'S HAIR!

YOU'RE TAKING
THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.

THANK YOU, REVEREND.

BACK ON THE CURB.

YOU CROSS ON THE GREEN,
NOT IN BETWEEN.

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU
TWO DOLLARS FOR JAYWALKING.

MULDOON,
THE MAN IS BLIND!

SO IS LOVE,
OFFICER TOODY.

TV:
AS THE LONG-LOST HUSBAND,
I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
ABOUT MY WIFE, BUSTER.

HA HA HA HA!

AND HOW DID WE ENJOY
OUR SUPPER LAST NIGHT?

OH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
IT WAS DELIGHTFUL!

I WISH ALL OUR PATIENTS
HAD YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

WHAT IS THERE
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?

HERE I AM,
I LIE IN BED ALL DAY,

I WATCH TV,
I'M WAITED ON
HAND AND FOOT--

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET UP
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M ON AUTOMATIC PILOT!

HEE HEE HEE HEE!

WHAT MORE COULD A MAN
ASK FOR?

SURPRISE, PARTNER!

I BROUGHT YOU
SOME FLOWERS.

THAT'S NICE, GUNTHER.

NOW, JUST PUT 'EM DOWN,

AND BACK OUT OF THE ROOM.

LEO, WHAT'S THIS STUFF?

DON'T TOUCH IT!

TOODY, PLEASE DON'T
TOUCH THE BAG.

IT'S NOT AN UNREASONABLE
REQUEST.

YOU REMEMBER
MY NEW PARTNER, MULDOON?

I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK
AT THIS SCENE, MULDOON,

BECAUSE WHAT
YOU ARE LOOKING AT

IS YOUR FUTURE.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

I'M MORE THAN CAPABLE
OF TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

OFFICER TOODY,
WE'RE LATE.

LEO, BEHAVE YOURSELF.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

YOU CAN'T KEEP
A GUY LIKE SCHNAUZER

DOWN FOR LONG,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

WHAT IS THIS?

THIS IS A HOSPITAL,
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE.

IT'S STUCK.
HELP ME WITH IT.

AAAHHH!!!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
I HATE HOSPITALS.

( alarm sounds )

♪ WELCOME TO
THE NEW WORLD ORDER ♪

♪ THIS IS
THE NEW WORLD ORDER ♪

♪ THIS IS
THE NEW WORLD ORDER ♪

♪ WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

♪ TO A LAND OF CHANGE

♪ A PLACE WHERE SILICON
RULE THE BRAIN ♪

♪ THE THOUGHT POLICE
ON THE STREETS
TO KEEP PEACE ♪

♪ QUICK TO GET
WITH ANYONE WHO GOT BEAT ♪

♪ AND WHERE DID HOPE GO,
MUST IT DIE? ♪

♪ BIG BROTHER GOT HIS EYE
ON YA ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ SO DON'T ACT BOLD,
HE CONTROL THE DICE ♪

♪ BE A FOOL, WRONG MOVE,
AND LOSE YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ NOW, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT,
DON'T ACT UP ♪

♪ CUT THE MESS
ABOUT PROGRESS,
OR GUESS WHAT? ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE HUSHED, CRUSHED,
CLIPPED AND FRIED ♪

♪ TO STAY ALIVE,
BETTER KNOW THE TIME
IN THE JUNGLE ♪

GOOD MORNING.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ALL THINKING--

"THANK YOU,
OFFICER MULDOON, FOR THIS."

BUT IT'S NOT ME,
IT'S THE TAXPAYERS,

SO WHY DON'T WE ALL
JUST TAKE A SEAT...

IN OUR NEW SEATS.

UM, AS I'M SURE YOU CAN SEE,

THAT'S THE SEAT
FROM THE OLD DAYS.

NOW, LET'S DIRECT
YOUR ATTENTION TO
THE NEW "MAD COPP."

NOW, CAN ANYONE TELL ME
ABOUT THE COCCYX IN MAD COPP,

WHAT ITS FUNCTION IS?

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE HAVE COME
TO PROVIDE YOU

WITH THE NOURISHMENT
FOR YOUR INCARCIPATED
PERSONAGES.

BROUGHT A BUNCH OF DOGS
OVER FROM NATHAN'S.

OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY SO?

HOLD ON,
I'LL BUZZ YOU IN.

( buzzer )

OH, MY.

THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T SHE?

ELECTRONIC DISPLAY
NETWORK ADVISOR--"EDNA."

"EDNA."
SHE'S GOT IT ALL.

20,000 LINE RESOLUTION,
C-CAM,

NTSC S-DIP,
AND P-DIP CAPABILITIES.

RAP ON,
YOU RASCAL, YOU!

IT IS VOICE-ACTIVATED,

IT IS INTERFACED WITH
EVERY NATIONAL AND LOCAL

CRIME MAINFRAME
COMPUTER NETWORK
VIA MICROWAVE.

MICROWAVE!

YOU CAN COOK IN IT!

INCREDIBLE!

EDNA, MEET CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

Computer: GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

IT TALKS!

AAHHEEEAAHH....

ARE YOU HORTZ?
YES.

LUNCH.

NO, THANKS, I DON'T
EAT THOSE HOT DOGS.

YOU CAN MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT CELL.

THESE ARE NOT HOT DOGS.

IN APPRECIATION
OF YOUR ENDEAVORS,

WE HAVE BEEN PERMITTED
TO ALTER THE NORMAL FARE

TOWARD YOUR
DIETARY ENJOYMENT.

GET OUTTA HERE!

YEAH, WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU
A FIND VINTAGE CHABLIS WINE
FROM OUR CELLAR.

STOP THAT,
LOOK AT YOU!

AND FILET OF BEEF GASPAR
WITH A WATERCRESS SOUP.

LOOK AT
THOSE NIBLETS!

AND AN ADORNMENT.

MMM! THANK YOU!
LISTEN, BOYS,
A LITTLE FAUX PAS.

YOU NEVER SERVE A RED MEAT
WITH A WHITE WINE, OKAY?

ITS' LIKE--NYEAH--
IT'S A HORRENDOUS MISTAKE.

GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, GUYS.

GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY!!! COME HERE.

YOU THINK I'D LET YOU
GET AWAY WITH THAT, HUH?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

YEAH, I GOT A PROBLEM.

MR.JACKSON--
HE'S GOT A DATE
WITH YOU BOYS.

TAKE HIM.
HAVE SOME FUN!

NOW, YOU SAY THE RED DOTS
REPRESENT PATROL CARS?

YES.

WELL, LOOK!

THEY'RE ALL
MOVING AT ONCE!

SOMETHING BIG
MUST BE GOING DOWN!

EDNA:
95% OF THE PRECINCT'S
CARS HAVE CONVERGED.

ABRAMS! WHAT'S GOING ON?

EVERYTHING'S NORMAL.

Radio: CAR 54,
WHERE ARE YOU, PLEASE?

Gunther:
SO THE BARTENDER SAYS,
"WHAT DOES THE DOG DO

"WHEN THE YANKS WIN?"

HE SAYS,
"I DON'T KNOW--

I'VE ONLY HAD HIM
FOR TWO YEARS."

( all laugh )

SEE THAT, GENTLEMEN?

NEGOTIATIONS CAN BE
A POWERFUL ASSET.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW
WHAT TO ASK FOR
AND HOW TO--

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
THAT'S MY DINNER.

SIR?

I DEMAND YOU RETURN THAT
TO ME THIS INSTANT!

PLEASE DON'T
PUSH MY BUTTONS!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WILL STRIKE YOU, SIR,
I WILL STRIKE YOU!

THAT'S A COMPLETE MISUSE
OF YOUR PHYSICALITY, SIR.

YOU'RE A VERY LARGE MAN,

AND YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

OKAY?

( coughing )

SEE WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU EAT TOO FAST?

FREEZE, LADY!
DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE.

YEP. THAT'S A VIOLATION
OF SECTION 20
OF THE CIVIL CODE.

WE GOT HER.

THANKS TO THE OLD SATCOM
SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
WEASEL YOUR WAY
OUT OF THIS ONE, I'M AFRAID.

MAYBE SHE HAS
A MUCOUS PROBLEM.

I'VE KNOWN THIS LADY
FOR 15 YEARS.

SHE'S NEVER DONE
ANYTHING WRONG IN HER LIFE.

MA'AM, YOU HAVE YOURSELF
A GOOD DAY.

JESUS.

I'M SORRY, MRS. GORDON.

NO CHARGE FOR YOU. ENJOY!

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, KAHN.

EXCUSE ME, OFFICER TOODY.

YEAH?

YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT,
DID YOU?

OH, WELL, KAHN'S MY FRIEND,
I MEAN, WHO'S GONNA CARE?

WHY DON'T WE START
WITH INTERNAL AFFAIRS?

INTERNAL AFFAIRS?
THEY DON'T DINE AL FRESCO.

AL FRE--

Woman: HI, TOODY!

HA HA!
HOO HOO!

HOW ABOUT A NICE
BERMUDA TRIANGLE,
GUNTHER?

WE'LL HAVE YA
LOST FOR HOURS.

I DON'T THINK LUCILLE
WOULD APPROVE OF THAT.

WHO'S YOUR
CUTE FRIEND?

THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER,
FRANCIS MULDOON.

BABY, BABY, BABY!

YOU'RE SO FINE,
YOU'RE MY--OOH!--
NINE POINT NINE.

PUT 'ER THERE.

OH, I LOVE
CAREFUL MEN.

IT SHOWS
A BRUTE MATURITY.

WHOOEE, YEAH!

OFFICER TOODY.

THIS PLACE IS GOMORRAH.

THANK YOU.

WE HAVE THE LOWEST
REPORTED CRIME RATE
IN THE WHOLE CITY.

OF COURSE YOU DO--
YOU DON'T REPORT ANY OF IT.

THESE ARE DECENT PEOPLE.

THEY'RE ALL CRIMINALS!

COME ON, MULDOON.

THERE'S CRIME,
AND THEN THERE'S CRIME.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO--

CRIME IS CRIME--PERIOD.

'S'NOT.
SO.

'S'NOT.
SO.

'S'NOT!
SO!

ALL RIGHT!
THAT'S ENOUGH.

SIR, THE MAN IS A SLOB.

IF I COULD, I'D LIKE TO
DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION
TO HIS SHIRT.

I THINK YOU'LL NOTICE
THAT IT IS COVERED

IN ILLEGALLY OBTAINED
KABOB STAINS.

MULDOON, WOULD YOU MIND
WAITING OUTSIDE A SECOND?

I JUST WANT TO HAVE
A WORD WITH OFFICER TOODY.

YES, SIR.

CAPTAIN--
TOODY--

IF YOU SCREW THIS UP FOR ME,

I WILL SLAP THE TASTE
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

BUT CAPTAIN, HE'S A--
HE'S A TIGHT ASS.

BUT HE'S ONE OF
THE FEW PEOPLE
WHO UNDERSTANDS

THE COMPLEXITIES
OF THIS SYSTEM!

SO, PLEASE,
FOR MY SAKE, BE A PAL.

MAYBE YOU'LL INVITE THE GUY
HOME FOR DINNER?

TO MY HOUSE?!

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
TALKIN' TO YOU.

YOU'LL DO THAT FOR ME,
WON'T YOU?

YES, CAPTAIN.

SO WHAT'S HAPPENED?

MR. HORTZ IS NO LONGER
A FUNCTIONING HOMO SAPIEN.

YOU MEAN HORTZ
WAS A TOOTIE-FRUITIE?

REALLY?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SO HE'S DEAD?

LIKE HE NEVER WAS.

THEN WHY AM I READING ABOUT
THE GRAND JURY GOING FORWARD?

WHY HAVEN'T
I SEEN IT ON TV?

WHY DID I HEAR

THAT YOU POISONED
AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST?

YOU LISTEN TO ME.

YOU HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE
TO GET THIS GUY.

THE SCHILLIANOS
HAVE RECOMMENDED

AN OUT-OF-TOWN GUN
BY THE NAME OF
"DETROIT DAN."

NOW, IF I GO TO THE TROUBLE
OF BRINGING HIM IN FOR ONE,

I MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE IT THREE.

CAPISCE?
CAPISCE.

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Lucille:
GUNTHER, YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE A MESS, NOW, HONEY.

THAT ONE'S RUINED!

YOU KNOW, LUCILLE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

MULDOON AND I,

WE'RE COMPLETE OPPOSITES.

I DON'T THINK
THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT.

GUNTHER, YOU AND I
ARE OPPOSITES,

AND LOOK HOW LONG
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.

GIVE IT TIME, HONEY.

Muldoon:
I THINK THIS IS IT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
LUCILLE?
WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?

SEEING YOU
IN THIS PARTY DRESS
REALLY GIVES ME THE HORN.

HOW ABOUT A QUICKIE
BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE?

NO, GUNTHER!

NO! WE'RE GONNA
GET ALL SWEATY!

( doorbell )

MULDOON AND HIS DATE
ARE HERE, GO ANSWER IT.

I GOT SOME CELERY TO WHIZ.

HI, FRANCIS.

WELCOME TO MY LOVELY HOME.

THANKS, OFFICER TOODY.

MIND IF I COME IN?
PLEASE.

I, UH,

I BROUGHT THAT AS A
TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR DATE?

SHE'S OUT
PARKING THE CAR.

SHE WANTED ME
TO BE ON TIME.

YEAH, PARKING'S
LOUSY AROUND HERE.

( doorbell )

THE PARKING
AROUND HERE SUCKS!

COME ON IN, MOM.

SHORT NOTICE.

Lucille: I THINK
IT'S LOVELY THAT A MAN
FEELS SECURE ENOUGH

TO TAKE HIS MOTHER
TO SOCIAL FUNCTIONS.

THE MAN IS A TOTAL WUSS,
LUCILLE.

SHUT UP, GUNTHER.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST
IN BETWEEN
GIRLFRIENDS RIGHT NOW.

OH, YEAH. HE'S BEEN
BETWEEN GIRLFRIENDS

SINCE HIS BALLS DROPPED.

OH, GUNTHER,
THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE HORRIBLE TONIGHT.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
YEAH, RIGHT.

Gunther:
SO THE WOMAN SAYS,

"HOW DARE YOU
LAY OUT MY HUSBAND

IN A BROWN SUIT?"

YOU KNOW, YOU LAY HIM OUT
IN A BLUE SUIT
OR A BLACK SUIT.

SO HE SAYS, "MADAM,
COME BACK IN 15 MINUTES,

I'M SURE EVERYTHING
WILL BE FINE."

SHE COMES BACK,
AND THERE IS HER HUSBAND,

LAID OUT IN
A BEAUTIFUL BLUE SUIT.

SO SHE SAYS, "HOW DID YOU
GET THAT SUIT ON MY HUSBAND?

DID YOU SWITCH SUITS WITH
ONE OF THESE OTHER STIFFS?"

AND HE SAYS, "OH, NO, MADAM.
WE MERELY SWITCHED HEADS."

HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!

OH, GUNTHER!
HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!

SORRY, I DIDN'T
HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.

WE WERE SO BUSY
AT ST. MATTHEWS TONIGHT.

DON'T WORRY.
I REALLY THINK IT'S GREAT
YOU VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME

TO SPEND WITH THE INFIRMED.

SINCE FRANCIS
HAS BEEN WORKING,

I'VE GOT A LITTLE
EXTRA TIME ON MY HANDS.

I DON'T!

HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, ME AND FRANCIS
WERE OVER AT
ST. MATTHEWS TODAY.

REALLY?

WE WERE VISITING
A BROTHER OFFICER--
LEO SCHNAUZER.

I BROUGHT OFFICER SCHNAUZER
SOME SHERBERT TODAY.

OH, GREAT.

HE WAS IN SUCH PAIN.

LEO IS A WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL MAN.

A POLICE OFFICER
MUST CHASTIZE THE IMPURE,

AND BANISH THE DEFILED,

IN A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE!

WELL, IF THEY DID THAT,

I DON'T THINK THE CITY
WOULD GO FOR THE OVERTIME!

HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!

GUNTHER,
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!

HAVE SOME MORE JELLO.

AHA HA HA HA!

MOM, DID YOU
ENJOY DINNER?

I DON'T THINK IT'S WISE
THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE
LEFT THE SEMINARY!

HE NEEDS A BROAD,
THAT'S ALL.

OH, GET YOUR MIND
OUT OF THE GUTTER.

THIS IS NOT THE GUTTER,
LUCILLE.

THIS IS SCIENCE.

MEN HAVE THIS VERY SPECIAL
KIND OF A MALE GLAND

CALLED THE...
THE PROSTICLES.

WHEN THESE TESTICLES
GET FILLED UP WITH
FLUID AND STUFF,

THEY GET VERY, VERY TENSE.

YEAH?

TAKE IT FROM A COP
ON THIS ONE, LUCILLE.

THESE TESTOSTICLES
ARE THE CAUSE OF 85%

OF THE VIOLENT CRIME
IN THIS CITY.

I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT, GUNTHER.

THAT'S BETWEEN HIM
AND HIS DOCTOR.

I GOT JUST
THE GIRL FOR HIM.
WHO?

VELMA VELOUR.

VELMA!

SHE HAS VERY
TANGIBLE ACCOUTREMENT

THAT MEN FIND IRRESISTIBLE.

REALLY? YOU BE CAREFUL.
YOU'RE GONNA CORRUPT
THAT BOY.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

LET'S DO THE
WILD THING, LUCILLE.

GUNTHER!

COME OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE
SEX POT.

( all talking )

PIPE DOWN,
THE CAPTAIN'S COMIN'.

GOOD MORNING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'VE JUST GOTTEN
SOME GOOD NEWS.

A CAMERA CREW

FROM THE TELEVISION SHOW
THE BOYS IN BLUE

IS COMING TO THE 53rd TODAY

TO COMMENCE FILMING
A SEGMENT ON US.

I KNEW IT!

TV: WATCH THIS WEEK'S EPISODE,

AS WE VISIT NEW YORK'S
MOST DANGEROUS
POLICE STATION,

BROOKLYN'S 53rd PRECINCT.

STAY TUNED FOR
THE BOYS IN BLUE.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE HAVE COME IN REGARDS
TO THE TOILETRIES

WHICH HAVE RUN AFOUL.

WE CAME TO FIX THE CAN.

OH, SURE, IN THE BACK.

HOLD ON, I'LL BUZZ YA IN.

SAY, GUNTHER.

YEAH?

THANK YOU FOR DINNER
LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS MOST ENJOYABLE.

WELL, FRANCIS,
I'M DETERMINED

TO BUILD UP
OUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
WE SHOULD GO ON A DATE.

US?

WITH GIRLS--
A DOUBLE DATE.

OH. OH, OH, I--I, UM, I--

WHATSAMATTER?

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA FIND THIS
A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT I--I'M VERY SH--

SHY?

--SHY AROUND
THE OPPOSITE S-S-S--

SEX? NO!
SEX.

YES!

DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE I GOT
THE WHOLE THING COVERED.

I KNOW JUST THE GIRL,

AND ME AND LUCILLE
WILL BE THERE WITH YOU.

WE'LL BREAK THE ICE,

AND YOU CAN
MELT HER HEART.

REFLEX, HUH?
IS THAT YOUR NAME?

YEAH, MAN, WHAT'S UP?

HOW YA DOIN', MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
IN HERE FOR?

EXPLICIT LYRICS, MAN.

DOPE LYRICS!

OH, YOU GUYS ARE,
LIKE, RAP FELLOWS?

NO, MAN, RAPPERS.

RAPPERS. RAPPERS.

YO, O.G., MAN,

WHY DON'T YOU
BUST ONE OF THEM LYRICS
FOR HIM, MAN?

♪ MAN, DAY AFTER DAY,
WHEN I GET OUT OF BED ♪

♪ RAPS ARE CREATED
INSIDE MY HEAD ♪

♪ THREE SQUARES A DAY
IS WHAT I EAT ♪

♪ WHILE THE SHOWERS
KEEP ROCKIN' TO A FUNKY BEAT ♪

♪ A GUY NAMED BUTCH
WITH A WHACKY-WHACK SPACE ♪

♪ WANT TO GRAB AHOLD
♪ OF MY FUNKY BASS

♪ WHEN I DROP THE SHORTS
AND OPEN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ ALL THE YOUNG LADIES
START TO SCREAM AND SHOUT ♪

Carlo: LOOKS GREAT, HUH?

I LEARNED THIS
UP AT THE JOINT,

TAKIN' ART CLASSES.

YOU KNOW, USING THAT STUFF,
UH, SILLY DOUGH.

WHEN MR. HORTZ
HAS TO RELIEVE HIMSELF,

HE'LL BE GREETED
BY A TNT ENEMA.

HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW, I ONCE
CONSIDERED PLUMBING
AS A VOCATION.

REALLY?
YEAH.

NOT ME.

THE WIFE AND I TAKE THE KIDS
DOWN TO MIAMI BEACH.

LET US COMPLETE THE TASK.

( beeps )
OKAY, LET'S GO.

BOOM BOOM!

♪ AND THE GIRLS,
THEM CAN'T REFUSE IT ♪

♪ METRO DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE BLACK OR WHITE ♪

♪ JUST LEARN AS IT COMES
SO WE CAN ALL UNITE ♪

BOOM BOOM!

( imitates bass beat )

♪ I WORK OUT

♪ I PLAY SQUASH
ON THE WEEKENDS ♪

♪ MY HEART BE BEATIN'
AS I DO MY DEEP KNEE BENDS ♪

♪ I LIKE THE GIRLS
WITH THE PEARLS ♪

♪ AND THE MONOGRAMMED
SWEATERS, THEY TURN ME ON ♪

♪ JUST LIKE A SLOW SONG

♪ JUST LIKE A SLOW SONG

WHOO!
ALL RIGHT!

WHOO HOO!

( beep )

AAAHHH!!!

Hortz:
CAPTAIN, YOU KNOW
I'M A TEAM PLAYER.

I'M THE LAST PERSON
TO MAKE A NUISANCE
OF MYSELF.

I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHIN', ALL RIGHT?

THE PLUMBING
IN THIS PLACE IS ATROCIOUS.

MR. HORTZ,
THIS IS NO ACCIDENT!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

FIRST, THERE WAS
THE POISON FOOD.

RIGHT.

AND NOW THIS.

SOMEBODY INSIDE THE 53rd
IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!

GET OUTTA HERE!

NO, I GOTTA
GET YOU OUTTA HERE,

AND I GOTTA DO IT FAST.

BUT NOW,
WHERE WOULD I PUT YOU?

SHH!

( Gunther talking
in distance )

Francis: OFFICER TOODY,
I THINK YOU'LL FIND

AS WE BECOME MORE FAMILIAR
WITH EACH OTHER,

THAT I DON'T EXACTLY THRIVE
IN A SALOON ENVIRONMENT.

AH, COME ON, FRANCIS,
THIS IS A COP BAR.

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

NOBODY'S GONNA
TAKE OUT THEIR FALSE TEETH

AND SHOW 'EM TO ME,
ARE THEY?

TOODY! PERFECT.

NOT EVEN THE MOB
WOULD BE DESPERATE ENOUGH
TO HIRE HIM.

COME ON!

SHE'S VERY CULTURED,

AND I THINK YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA LIKE HER.

I DON'T KNOW, GUNTHER.

Anderson: Psst!

WHAT?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!!!

I THINK
WE'RE LOSING AIR.

( whispers )
Toody! Muldoon!

HEY, CAPTAIN.
WHADDYA SAY?

Open the trunk
of your car!

HE WANTS US TO OPEN
THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.

AWRIGHT, THE TRUNK'S
OPEN, CAPTAIN.

Is it clear?
Do you see anybody?

OFFICER TOODY?

I DON'T SEE NOBODY.
IT'S ALL CLEAR.

Come on. Go!

Close it!
WHAT?

Close the trunk!

OHH!

ALL CLOSED, CAPTAIN.

WELL, FELLAS,
I SEE YOU'RE READY

TO LEAVE
FOR THE DAY, HEY?

Act natural.

Somebody might be
watching us now.

I JUST WANTED
TO MAKE CERTAIN

THAT YOU FINISHED
ALL YOUR REPORTS.

YOU DID FINISH
YOUR REPORTS TODAY, HUH?

WE FINISHED
ALL THE REPORTS,
CAPTAIN, YEAH.

What's goin' on?

Somebody right here
in the 53rd

tried to knock off Hortz,
the witness.

OH, MY GOD!

I MEAN--OH, MY JOB
IS JUST FANTASTIC!

Toody, I want you
to hide Hortz in your house

until we can find
a safe place to keep him.

OKAY, CAPTAIN!

I mean--Okay, Captain.

ALL RIGHT.
GOOD-NIGHT, FELLAS.

JUST ONE THING MORE.

If you blow this one,

it is your badges!

HA HA HA!
OH HO HO HO!

THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
CAPTAIN, REALLY FUNNY.

READ MY LIPS--

YOUR BADGES.

BRIGHT AND EARLY
TOMORROW, NOW.

GUNTHER,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD--
OUR BADGES!

DON'T PAY HIM ANY MIND.

HE ALWAYS SAYS
STUFF LIKE THAT.

LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A BIG NIGHT--

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL!

Francis: OFFICER TOODY,
WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME
FOR ONE SECOND?

I AM NOT GOING
INTO THAT BAR
WITH A MOB--

Gunther: IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

--A MOB WITNESS
IN THE TRUNK!

JUST ONE DRINK!

WHO IS EVER GONNA
LOOK FOR OUR MOB WITNESS

IN THE TRUNK
OF A CAR?

HUH?!

ALL RIGHT, WHO IS EVER
GONNA LOOK FOR
A LIVING MOB WITNESS

IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR?

YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WERE A REAL MAN,

YOU WOULD COME IN
AND HAVE ONE DRINK.

Man: GUNTHER, WHAT'S UP?

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN A LONG WHILE, MAN.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

LUTHERS, THIS IS
MY NEW PARTNER--

FRANCIS MULDOON,
THE PRIDE OF THE 53rd.

HELLO, MULDOON,
WE'RE LUTHER.

WHAT ARE YA PACKIN'?

I GOT A 9mm BERETTA
IN MY SHOULDER HOLSTER,

AND A WALTHER PPK
IN MY BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

A NICE LITTLE CROTCH
DERRINGER.

NO, NO, NO--
IT'S ALL RIGHT!

IT'S A LITTLE MORE SNEAKY.
LOOK AT THIS.

NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY,
WRITE THIS DOWN.

RENT THE MOVIE TAXI DRIVER.

IT'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO
TAKE PART OF A DRAWER

AND MAKE THIS
POP RIGHT OUT.

YOU JUST GO LIKE THIS--

"HEY! SUCK ON THIS!"
HE WOULD BE DEAD.

HE WOULD JUST
DOUBLE OVER AND DIE.

THERE WOULD BE A HOLE
RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

NICE LITTLE GUN.

NEED SOMETHIN' ELSE?
HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE BIGGER GUN?

THERE YOU GO.
MOST PEOPLE, THIS WOULD
"MAKE THEIR DAY."

BUT THAT JACKET
WILL MAKE YOUR WHOLE WEEK.

BUT IF YOU EVER GET
SICK OF POLICE WORK, WATCH.

YOU PULL THE TRIGGER
WITH YOUR THUMB.
CHECK IT OUT.

EVEN BIGGER?

OKAY, OKAY.
YOU WANT EVEN BIGGER?

WE GOT BIGGER.
HERE IT IS, THE M-60.

YOU CAN DO FORESTRY
WITH THIS RAMBO BABY.

Gunther:
SHE'S HERE,
SHE'S READY!

YOU GOTTA BUY 'EM
FROM PARTNERS.

WE'RE PARTNERS,
WE KNOW.

YOUR DESTINY AWAITS,
COME ON!

( gunshot, screams )

( body hits floor )

HEY, THOSE TWO GENTLEMEN
WERE SELLING FIREARMS
ILLEGALLY.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BUT JUST TO COPS.

LOOK...

THAT'S VELMA.

♪ THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS

♪ MY ONE AND ONLY

( gulps )

Gunther:
YOU GOT YOUR BADGE?

YEAH, POLISHED IT
LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE SET.

♪ NOW I HAVE FINALLY FOUND

♪ THAT ONCE IN A LIFETIME...

HELLO, VELMA.
HI, TOODY.

THIS IS FRANCIS MULDOON,
MY NEW PARTNER.

SLIDE ON IN.

NO, NO, I--I CAN'T.

YEAH, YEAH.
PARK IT RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, FRANCIS
IS OUR STAR ROOKIE.

WELL, "STAR" IS
A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

COULD I...

( giggles )

COULD I SEE YOUR BADGE?

YEAH, YEAH--
SHOW HER YOUR BADGE.

SHOW HER YOUR BADGE!

OKAY, JUST FOR A SECOND.

OH...

MMM...

OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

OH...

( gasps )

OH...

OH, OFFICER MULDOON...

HAVE YOU EVER LET ANYBODY

TOUCH YOUR...

BADGE BEFORE?

NO. NOT EVEN MY MOTHER.

NOT EVEN HIS MOTHER.

OH...

THEN THAT MAKES ME
YOUR VERY FIRST.

GUNTHER.

LET'S GET THIS SHOW
ON THE ROAD.

( rapping )

( disco music plays )

Hortz: "DEAR METRO AND REFLEX.

"I ENJOYED THE TIME
WE SPENT TOGETHER IN PRISON.

"GOOD LUCK ON YOUR HEARING.

"FIGHT THE POWER.

"LOVE, HERBIE.

PEACE."

( Latin music plays )

♪ MAMBO LOVE

♪ YO, YO, YO

♪ MAMBO LOVE

♪ YO, YO, YO

♪ MAMBO LOVE

♪ MAMBO LOVE

♪ MAMBO LOVE

THERE'S OFFICER TOODY!
COME ON, SING WITH US!

NO, NO!

COME ON, TOODY!

OH, OKAY!

♪ GONNA SING MY LATIN THANG

♪ IF YOU WANT SOME MORE,
SAY, POR FAVOR♪

♪.POR FAVOR

♪ SAY, SI, SI, SI♪
♪.SI, SI, S

♪ ON THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN

♪ OR MAYBE STATEN

♪ COULD BE IN THE BRONX

♪ OR MAYBE QUEENS

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN

♪ I FOUND A GIRL

♪ THE.MUCHACH OF MY DREAMS

♪ BOOM BADA BING

♪.YO PARA T

♪ TOGETHER FOREVER,
WHEREVER, WHENEVER ♪

♪ WE WILL ALWAYS BE

♪ DANCING LATIN BOOGALOO

♪ OR IN CENTRAL PARK

♪ SUCKING FACE AFTER DARK

♪.UNO, DOS, TRE

♪ BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST

♪ FOUR, FIVE, SIX

♪ SHE LOVES TO SAY,.SI, S

♪.SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIAS

♪ THAT MAMBO LOVE,
NEW YORK CITY-STYLE ♪

♪ IT DRIVES ME WILD!

♪ BUST MY GUT,
SLAP MY BUTT ♪

♪ AND GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME THAT MAMBO LOVE ♪

OH, GUNTHER!

( cheers and applause )

LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR TOODY!

THE WORLD'S MOST
FAVORITIST COP IN THE WORLD!

OH, I LOVE YOU!

HONEY!

I THINK THAT WE'RE GONNA
TAKE A CARRIAGE RIDE
IN THE PARK.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A GOOD IDEA!

HONEY.

I'M SURE
THEY WANNA BE ALONE.

WELL, LISTEN,
WE'RE GONNA GO.

THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GREAT EVENING!

BYE-BYE!

I'M SO HAPPY
IT WORKED OUT WITH THEM.

HONEY, AM I PROUD OF YOU
UP THERE SINGIN'!

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT
FOR A NIGHTCAP!

YOU ARE?

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE ME HOME, INSTEAD?

OH, HONEY!

♪ MAKING LOVE
IS WORKING UP AN APPETITE ♪

♪ LOOKIN' FORWARD TO
A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT ♪

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME,
MR. CARRIAGE MASTER?

UM, HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE
FOR A RIDE AROUND THE PARK?

OH, YOU'RE
A FIRST-TIMER, HUH?

GO ON, GET YOUR LITTLE ASSES
IN THE BACK--

IT'S THIRTY-FIVE BUCKS.

YOU GOT A DEAL.
ALL RIGHT, MAN.

LET'S GO, DENNIS.
COME ON.

LET'S GO.

YOU KNOW, NEW YORK
IS A CITY OF ROMANCE,
MY MAN.

YOU SEE THIS
BRIDGE OVER HERE?

THAT'S WHERE I FIRST GOT MY
FIRST TANDEM.

MY FIRST JUDGE OF MANHOOD.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AND OVER HERE TO THE RIGHT
IS WHERE THE DARK MEN
USED TO HANG OUT.

WE USED TO SIT REAL LOW
AND SHOOT WOMEN
IN THE BEHIND WITH DARTS.

NOW THAT WAS A FUNNY SIGHT
RIGHT THEN.

CAN I SEE
YOUR BADGE AGAIN?

YES.

NOW, YOU LOOK OVER HERE,

YOU SEE THE SERIOUS
RAT PROBLEM NEW YORK HAS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT
THIS BULLET-PROOF VEST

AND MY PROBLEM-SOLVER
RIGHT HERE IN THE BACK.

NOW, YOU LOOK
RIGHT OVER HERE TO THE RIGHT,

THAT'S WHERE
THE ZODIAC KILLER
GOT HIS LAST VICTIM.

THIS SURE HAS BEEN
A PLEASANT EVENING,
HASN'T IT?

MM-HMM.

I THINK, HOWEVER,
THOUGH,

THAT IT'S TIME FOR US
TO HEAD TO OUR
RESPECTIVE HOMES NOW.

"RESPECTIVE HOMES"?

YES.

YOU WOULDN'T
BE PLANNING ON

PUTTING ME
UNDER HOUSE ARREST?

HOUSE ARREST?
STRIP SEARCHING ME.

AFTER FORCING ME TO REMOVE
ALL OF MY CLOTHES.

VERY SLOWLY.

NO.
PIECE BY PIECE.

AND THEN HANDCUFFING ME
TO THE BED POST,

WHILE YOU TEASINGLY FONDLE

EVERY CURVE AND CREVICE
OF MY BODY.

MIXED WITH A SUPPLEMENTARY
SPANKING OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

AND THEN FINALLY.
WHAT?

FINALLY.
WHAT?

OH, YOU MAKE MAD AND
PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME!

OVER.
OVER.

OVER.
OVER.

OVER!

OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AGAIN, HUH?

AND SCREAMING...
( screaming )

THIS IS ECSTASY!

OOH!
WOULD YA?

YES! YES.

NO! NO. VELMA, NO.

OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME.

( giggles )

OH, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

MMM.
MMM.

YEAH. YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD.

OH, YEAH. IMMA HAVE TO
GIVE YOU THIS ONE
ON THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH, MY MAN!
HA HA HA HA!

GUNTHER. OH, IT'S
NEW YEARS EVE, GUNTHER.

OH, IT'S LABOR DAY, GUNTHER.
THE 4TH OF JULY, HONEY.

OH, YES, GUNTHER!
TRICK OR TREAT, GUNTHER!

OH, GUNTHER.
HONEY, HONEY.

HONEY! ( GIGGLES )

OOH! OOH!

Hortz:
OFFICER? WE THERE YET?

YO, FELLAS!

WHAT?

ARE YOU SURE?!

NOBODY WAS KILLED!

NOBODY WAS KILLED?
MR. MOTTI--

SHUT UP!

I HIRED YOU
TO DO A SIMPLE JOB,

AND I GET NOTHIN'
BUT SCREW-UPS!

THE GRAND JURY
MEETS TOMORROW,

AND THEY WANT TO
SEND ME UPSTATE

TO THAT PRISON...

A DARK LITTLE CEMENT CELL.

WHICH WAS PROVIDED BY
MY OWN CEMENT COMPANY.

SCHILLIANO?

Both: SCHILLIANO!

GIVE YOUR BOY
IN DETROIT A CALL.

SEE IF HE CAN'T
CATCH THE RED-EYE.

Hortz:
AT THIS POINT, YOU BOYS
GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M--

OH.

MMM...

( phone rings )

Woman:
YOU SHOULD NOT
SWALLOW GUM.

IT AGES YOUR
INTESTINAL TRACT
SEVEN YEARS!

YEAH, I READ THAT
SOMEWHERE.

IT GIVES YOU
A CAST IRON GUT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT? WHAT?

SLICK.
HE'S CALLIN' FOR YA.

HE WANTS BOTH OF YOU.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO GET THERE NOW?

WE AIN'T GONNA
GET A CAB NOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, HEY--

OPEN INVITATION.

WHAT? THIS HUNK OF JUNK?!
GET IN!

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT SOME FOOL
LEFT THIS CAR WIDE OPEN?

( car starts )

( tires squeal )

I THINK I LEFT SOMETHING
IN THE CAR.

HORTZ!

Lucille: GUNTHER,
PICK ME UP SOME MILK!

JUMPIN' JEHOSHAPHAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

THEY KIDNAPPED HIM
RIGHT OUTTA MY OWN
FRONT YARD!

GUNTHER?

NO FLORIDA, NO PENSION,
NO NOTHIN'.

NEW JOB, NEW CAREER,
LATE IN LIFE--

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
TOODY-BEAR,

I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE
EGG SALAD SANDWICHES
FOR THE PICNIC.

YOU KNOW HOW
YOUR UNCLE NORMAN
LOVES MY EGG SALAD.

OF COURSE HE LOVES
THE EGG SALAD, LUCILLE!

HE'S GOT NO TEETH!

DON'T YOU USE THAT TONE
WITH ME, GUNTHER TOODY!

( phone rings )

I'LL GET IT!

HELLO?

OH, HI, CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

AAH!
IT'S FOR YOU.
ENOUGH WITH THE YELLING!

TOODY, IS THAT YOU?

YES, SIR.

THE FBI JUST
PICKED UP A HIT MAN

BY THE NAME OF DETROIT DAN.

DETROIT DAN!

HE WAS HIRED BY MOTTI
TO KNOCK OFF THE WITNESS.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT HORTZ?

WELL, CAPTAIN,

HE'S NOT SUCH A BAD GUY
ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

TOODY, YOU IDIOT!

IF HE SO MUCH
AS SNIFFLES
THIS AFTERNOON,

I WILL BE ON YOUR TAIL
LIKE A CAROLINA SPEED COP

ON A NEW YORK CADILLAC!

IT THAT CLEAR, TOODY?!

Y-Y-YES, SIR.

DETROIT DAN!

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S THAT?

I MET A VERY WONDERFUL
WOMAN LAST NIGHT.

MULDOON! NO!

OH, GUNTHER, PLEASE.

IF SHE'LL HAVE ME...

I PLAN TO MAKE HER MY WIFE.

CONGRATULATIONS,
BIG GUY!

WHAT'S HER NAME?

THE NAME OF THE FUTURE

MRS. FRANCIS
ALOYISUS MULDOON...

FRANCIS! DON'T TELL 'EM!

...IS VELMA VELOUR.

All: VELMA!!!

VELMA "YOU SHOW ME YOUR BADGE,
I'LL SHOW YOU MINE" VELOUR?

YES!

HEY, DID SHE EVER
FIX THAT SQUEAK

WHEN YOU PUT UP
THE TOILET SEAT?
WHAT?

HOW ABOUT THAT TATTOO
THAT SAYS--

All: "LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN"!

YOU THREE OFFICERS...

I'M GONNA TEAR
YOU SOME NEW ASSHOLES.

Cop: HEY, CHILL OUT!

FORGET ABOUT THOSE CLOWNS!
WE GOT REAL TROUBLE!

GUNTHER, WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
IN THERE ABOUT MY VELMA

SIMPLY CAN'T BE TRUE!

IF YOU COULD HAVE
BEEN WITH US LAST NIGHT,

FELT WHAT WE FELT!

FRANCIS,
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

I LOST THE MOB WITNESS!

I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

GUNTHER, WHY DON'T PEOPLE
HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME?

THEY DO.
THEY DO?

WELL, UNTIL THEY GET MARRIED.

LISTEN TO ME, FRANCIS,
MOTTI KIDNAPPED HORTZ.

YOU GOTTA FIX EDNA

SO CAPTAIN ANDERSON
DOESN'T FIND OUT

THAT HORTZ
ISN'T AT MY HOUSE!

I CAN'T DO THAT!

THIS WHOLE THING
IS YOUR FAULT!

OH, IT'S MY FAULT?

IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN
ALL HOT AND BOTHERED
OVER VELMA VELOUR,

NONE OF THIS
WOULDA EVER HAPPENED!

HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE,
OFFICER TOODY.

THAT'S THE WOMAN I LOVE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Woman: NICE SUIT.

YOU GOTTA FIX EDNA!

LISTEN TO ME--

YOU AND ME,
WE'RE PARTNERS.

WE'RE PALS!

YOU ATE AT MY HOUSE!

IF YOU DON'T DO THIS,

WE'RE GONNA
LOSE OUR BADGES.

OUR BADGES?
YEAH.

AND THEN WE'LL HAVE TO
GET REAL JOBS!

REAL JOBS?!
I MEAN,
RE-REAL JOBS?

DON MOTTI
IS ABOUT TO MEET...

DETROIT DAN!

DETROIT DAN?

NICE SUIT, GUNTHER.

EXCUSE ME,
GU-GU-GU--

GUNTHER?!

YO, GUNTHER,
WHERE'D YA GET
THAT SUIT FROM?

HEY, GUNTHER,
SHARP SUIT!

NICE SUIT!

HEY, TOODY,
GOOD SHOES, MAN!

HEY, TOODY,
WHERE YA GOIN', MAN?

WHAT'S WITH
THE SUIT?

Woman:
VIRTUALLY UNRECOGNIZABLE
IN HIS GANGLAND DISGUISE,

THE INGENIOUS GUNTHER TOODY
GOES UNDERCOVER

FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE
OF THE BOYS IN BLUE.

Cop: I ALWAYS
WONDERED ABOUT HIM.

EDNA:
THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED.

ALERT! THE PRISONER
HAS ESCAPED...

ALERT! THE PRISONER
HAS ESCAPED...

HELLO, BOYS.

All: HELLO, VELMA!

HELLO, SERGEANT ABRAMS.

HELLO, VELMA.

I'M HERE TO SEE
OFFICER MULDOON.

HE JUST WENT INTO
THE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE.

THANKS, SARGE.

THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED...
( tapping keyboard )

ALERT! THE PRISONER HAS--

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

THE PRISONER IS SAFE...

OFFICER MULDOON--
AAH! TOODY
MADE ME DO IT!

YOU?

FRANCIS, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I WANT TO TELL YOU.

DON'T. DON'T.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T,
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.

BECAUSE I KNOW.

YOU'RE...

NOT A VIRGIN.

I WAS SEVERELY RIDICULED
THIS MORNING

WHEN I PROCLAIMED
MY LOVE FOR YOU.

OH, FRANCIS!
DO YOU LOVE ME?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA MAKE A NUISANCE
OF MYSELF

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

BECAUSE, QUITE FRANKLY,
MY HEART HAS TURNED TO STONE.

OH, FRANCIS!

I KNOW YOU MUST THINK
THAT I JUST CHASE AFTER

ANYTHING IN A UNIFORM,

BUT MY GROUP SAYS THAT
I EQUATE LOVE WITH SEX,

YOU SEE,
ONLY I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT LOVE WAS

UNTIL I MET YOU!

CAN WE STOP
FOR ONE SECOND HERE,

BECAUSE I NEED TIME
TO THINK.

Anderson: ABRAMS!

I'LL BE HERE IN THE OFFICE.

I'VE GOT SOME
IMPORTANT THINGS
I WANT TO CHECK ON,

SO NO INTERRUPTIONS, PLEASE.

EDNA:
HI, DAVE.

Anderson at computer:
LET'S SEE, NOW,

CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.

EVERYTHING'S
IN ORDER, I SEE.

IS MR. HORTZ
STILL AT TOODY'S?

THE PRISONER IS SAFE.

Cop: ANDERSON,
YOU'RE NEEDED OUT FRONT!

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU, DAVE.

YES, ABRAMS?

I THINK HE'S GONE.

BOY, JUST IN TIME, HUH?

YES, BECAUSE...

YOUR NIGHT STICK
IS POKING ME.

VELMA, MY...

MY WALKIE-TALKIE'S
ON THE TABLE.

YOU CAN GO.

I'LL CALL YA
IF'N I NEED YA.

AND THANKS,
MR. KIM.

BE CAUTIOUS
OF THE DRIPS.

HA HA HA!

HEY, WHAT'S SO FUNNY
OVER HERE?
I'M' NOT YOUR MOTHER.

YOU WANT
ITALIAN ICE?

TELL DON MOTTI

DETROIT DAN IS HERE.

I'LL, UH, CALL HIM,
MR. DAN.

FOLLOW ME,
DETROIT DAN.

( glass breaks )

WALK GINGERLY,
DETROIT DAN.

( music playing )

( door closes )

SORRY. WRONG WAY.

P.A.:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE UPTOWN "A" TRAIN
IS NOW MAKING
ONLY LOCAL STOPS

FROM 59th STREET
TO 125th.

THE EXPRESS TRAIN
SERVICE IS ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

STEP LIVELY NOW
AND WATCH THE CLOSING DOORS.

YOU CAN FIND YOUR WAY
FROM HERE.

TAKE CARE,
DETROIT DAN.

WILL I EVER
SEE YOU AGAIN?

NO.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU'VE GOT A BIG BOOGER
RIGHT HERE.

GOOD-BYE, DETROIT DAN.

P.A.:
THE PRICE OF TOKENS
HAS INCREASED TO $15 APIECE.

EXACT CHANGE ONLY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

STEP LIVELY
AND WATCH THE CLOSING DOORS.

PAISAN, TI SALUTE.

IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU,

DETROIT DAN.

I'M JUST GOING OVER
YOUR RESUME--

THE SCHILLIANOS
FAXED IT OVER.

GREAT. NOW I SUPPOSE
THEY'RE GONNA WANT 10%.

THIS IS A VERY
IMPRESSIVE LIST.

IN 1986, YOU HIT
BRUNO "FAT FINGERS" FANELLI.

IN '87,
ANGELO "NICOTINE"
NICOTERA...

MONDO PAOLUCCI.

NOW, THAT WAS
A BEAUTIFUL HIT.

RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.

THIS SHOWS HIM DROWNED.

WELL, UH, THAT'S
THE BEAUTY OF IT.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU'RE TOUGH.

YOU'VE GOT A QUICK WIT.

AND YOU CAN EVEN RESIST
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

WE SHALL BECOME AS ONE.

WE SHALL BOND AS
ONLY THE COSA NOSTRA CAN.

( gasps )

URGGH! AUGHHG!!

Velma:
NOW, HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT THAT'S THAT GUY HORTZ?

Francis: WELL,
IT'S HIS FREQUENCY.

WELL, WHERE IS HE?

ACCORDING TO
THESE COORDINATES...

IN CONEY ISLAND.

WHAT THE HELL?!

I DON'T WANT TO
GO TO SCHOOL TODAY, MOM.

OH, GREAT.

NOW WE GOT A HOMELESS GUY
LIVING IN OUR TRUNK.

TRUNK PEOPLE--
THAT'S A NEW ONE.

OH, I GET IT.

YOU GUYS ARE UNDERCOVER.

WELL, YEAH--
FOR A PRICE.

OKAY, I WON'T SAY NOTHIN'.

HIT ME,
I WON'T SAY NOTHIN'.

HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY.

THAT'S THE GUY
ON THE NEWS,

THAT'S THE MOTTI
WITNESS GUY!

YEAH?

OH, LETS'S
STRAIGHTEN YOU UP.

THANK YOU, AUNT BEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
WALK HIM AROUND THE PARK

AND SHOW HIM
A GOOD TIME.

GET HIM
SOMETHING TO EAT,

I'LL MEET YOU
BACK AT THE OFFICE.

HOW ABOUT NATHAN'S?
FOR A HOT DOG.

MY STOMACH HAS BEEN GROWLING
LIKE A FUNKY, FUNKY, FUNKY
HIT RECORD!

THAT'S HIS
AFTERSHAVE YOU...
OH.

HI. GET ME
MR. MOTTI, PLEASE.

Francis:
I GOTTA GO SAVE HIM.

Velma:
I'M COMIN' WITH YOU.

IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.

OH, REGULATIONS,
SCHMEGULATIONS.

GIVE ME A KISS
RIGHT HERE.

NO, NO, I CAN'T.

OH, HURRY!

MMMM.

I JUST GOT YA BACK, ANGEL.

I' NOT LETTIN' YA GO NOW.

I'M COMIN' WITH YA.

OKAY.

OWWW!!!

WHOA! WHOO!

BOY, THIS BONDING STUFF
IS EXCRUCIATING!

WHAT'S THAT?!

( phone rings )

WHEW.

YEAH?

CONEY ISLAND, HUH?

OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA
GET A BIG REWARD.

JUST DON'T MOVE.

OUR PROBLEM HAS BEEN
SPOTTED ON CONEY ISLAND.

GO WASTE HIM.

AWRIGHT--

AWRIGHT.

YOU CAME TO
THE RIGHT GUY.

OH! THIS WAY'S MUCH SHORTER.

EVIDENTLY.

LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

AWRIGHT, THANK YOU,
MR. KIM.

OKAY.
OH--HELLO, FELLAS.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR
GUNTHER TOODY.

GUNTHER TOODY?
YEAH.

LADY, THIS IS
THE STANDARD SOCIAL CLUB.

THERE'S NO
GUNTHER TOODY HERE.

I HATE TO TELL YA,
BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT

THAT MY HUSBAND GUNTHER
IS IN THERE.

AND IF HE DOESN'T
GET OUT HERE
IN EXACTLY TWO MINUTES,

HE'S GONNA REGRET IT
TILL THE DAY HE DIES.

NOW GET THE HELL
OUTTA MY WAY, BOTH OF YOU!

WHO IS THIS?
COME ON!

I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS--

GUNTHER!
LUC--!

GUNTHER, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?!

GUNTHER, WHAT THE HELL
IS HAPPENING HERE?

YOU GORILLAS!

YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU--

BOTH OF YOU!

WHOO!

WHOO! AAH!

( carnival music playing )

WHADDYA SAY, LET'S--

HEY, LET US
TAKE YA FOR A RIDE.

MOMMA GOT A ROOM
WITH A VIEEEW!

WHOO!
YEAH!

RED ROVER, RED ROVER,
LET HERBERT TAKE OVER!

YEAH, COME ON, BABY!

( garbage truck revs engine )

LEMME TALK TO
CAPTAIN ANDERSON
RIGHT AWAY!

CAPTAIN ANDERSON?
LUCILLE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I AM SITTING IN A DUMPSTER

THAT YOUR PATROLMAN,
GUNTHER TOODY, THREW ME INTO.

HE HAD TWO LARGE MEN
WITH VERY THICK NECKS

LITERALLY PICK ME UP
AND THROW ME IN THE GARBAGE.

WHO'S WATCHING THE WITNESS?!

OH, THEY LOST HIM
SOMETIME LAST NIGHT.

OH, MY GOD!!!

CAPTAIN ANDERSON?

CAPT--OHH!
AAAH! AAH!

TV:
AND OUR CHALLENGERS
LOSING THIS ROUND.

TAKE THE ROCK BACK--
THAT'S YOUR ROCK, PAL!

DON'T EVER LET ANYONE
TAKE YOUR ROCK!

BITE HIM!
BITE THE SON OF A--

LATER TONIGHT,
BE SURE TO WATCH
THE BOYS IN BLUE,

FEATURING
OFFICER GUNTHER TOODY.

THANKS, MR. KIM.

THIS IS THE LIFE!

SAY, AIN'T THAT--

DETROIT DAN...

HE'S A COP!

POLANSKI'S HARDWARE
AND PLUMBING SUPPLY--

EVERY CASTLE, A HOME,
EVERY SEAT, A THRONE!

HE'S A NO-GOOD,
STINKIN' COP!

GET THE CAR.

HOW YA GONNA
DISPATCH THIS RAT FINK?

YEAH, HOW YA GONNA
CAULK THIS GUY?

WHEN I GET THROUGH
WITH THIS BUM,

HIS YUPPIE FRIENDS
AIN'T EVEN GONNA
RECOGNIZE HIM.

I'M GONNA PLUCK THE HAIRS
FROM HIS NOSE, ONE BY ONE.

THIS GUY'S GONNA HAVE TO
CALL LONG DISTANCE

TO SEE HOW MUCH CHANGE

HE'S GOT LEFT
IN HIS POCKET.

I'M GONNA SHOVE HIS TEETH
DOWN HIS THROAT SO FAR

HE'S GONNA HAVE TO BEND OVER
TO CRACK A SMILE.

HA HA HA HA HA!

I'M GONNA TEAR HIS ARMS OFF

AND BEAT HIM
WITH THE BLOODY STUMPS.

THEN, I'M GONNA MUTILATE HIM.

YEAH, DETROIT, YEAH!

I THINK
I'M GONNA BE SICK.

( beeping )
BINGO!

THIS IS IT.

UH, HONEY--

DON'T YOU THINK THAT
MAYBE YOU SHOULD, UH...

YOU KNOW, CHANGE?

OTHERWISE, THEY'RE
GONNA KNOW IT'S YOU.

RIGHT.

JUST GO UNDERCOVER.

LIKE TOODY.

YES, JUST LIKE TOODY.

OH, I LOVE YOU,
YOU GENIUS MAN, YOU!

( Green Acres theme song
plays on TV )

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR.
TWO HOUR MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

AND NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

( Russian accent )
WE ARE RECENTLY LIBERATED

FROM OLD COUNTRY.

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR,
TWO HOUR MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

HERE'S A SAWBUCK.
GIVE US A ROOM, PLEASE.

Carlo: DETROIT,
THIS IS THE PLACE.

THEY GOT HIM
UP ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

COME ON.

LET'S GO GET HIM.
HA HA!

TAKE A POWDER.

BUT DETROIT, I--

GO SEE A PEEP SHOW.

HE WANTS US
TO GO A PEEP SHOW.

( screaming )

( all screaming )

IT'S A 12-CAR,
PEDAL-PUMPING,

NITRO-BURNING,

SHRED-O-RIFFIC TRUCK!!!

I GOT HIM! DROP 'EM!

MULDOON!
JOIN THE PARTY!

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR.
TWO HOURS MINIMUM IN ADVANCE.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M A MAFIA HIT MAN,

AND I GOT A CONTRACT
ON A FEDERAL WITNESS.

3B, UPSTAIRS.

HEY!

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR.
TWO HOUR MINIMUM.

NO STEALING THE TOWEL.

Velma: FRAN, I LOVE YOU,
BUT HURRY! HURRY!

POLIBETSIAN DANCE SUITE,
OPUS 32!

GUNTHER!

FRANCIS!
( tires screech )

Velma: HONEY! IT'S MOTTI!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

DON MOTTI!

DETROIT!

I'M BRINGING HIM RIGHT DOWN!

OOH!

OW! OW!

OH, HELLO, UH,

MR. COMMON CITIZEN
OF CONEY ISLAND.

THIS, UH,

OFFICER OF THE LAW

SHOT AND KILLED THIS MAN
IN THE LINE OF DUTY.

AND I FEEL IT
ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT

EMERGENCY BACKUP UNITS
ON THEIR WAY RIGHT NOW.

MY, MR. COMMON CITIZEN
OF CONEY ISLAND,

DON'T YOU THINK PERHAPS
YOU SHOULD, UH,

CLEAR THE PREMISES

SO THE POLICE
CAN DO THEIR WORK?

DID YOU REALLY THINK
YOU COULD PULL ONE OVER
ON DON MOTTI?

TAKE 'EM OUT!!!

IT'S A MAFIA HIT!

NETWORK?

IS THIS NATIONAL?
AM I ON RIGHT NOW?

MY NAME IS NICO GAMBUCCI--

GET HIM, YOU MORONS!

HEY, YOU STILL HAVE
AN HOUR LEFT!

( gunshots )

YOU MISSED US!
HA HA HA!

WHO ARE YOU AIMING AT?!

( guns firing )

Motti:
KEEP GOIN'!
STRAIGHT AHEAD!

EDNA:
ALERT! THE PRISONER
HAS ESCAPED!

CALLING ALL CARS!

ALL CARS, COME IN!

THIS IS
YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING!

DAMNIT, WHY DON'T
THEY ANSWER?!

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?!

FOR ONLY A DOLLAR,
YOU CAN HOSE--

WHERE ARE THEY?

FOR ONE DOLLAR,
YOU CAN HOSE DOWN
OUR TARGETS.

CAN I SEE THAT GUN?

GET OUTTA HERE, KID!

GOOD SHOOTIN', THERE.

HEY, THAT'S MINE!

NO, I WON IT!

COME ON,
THEY'RE GETTIN' AWAY!

SERGEANT ABRAMS?

YES, THIS IS VELMA VELOUR.

LOOK, I HAPPEN TO BE
DATING FRANCIS MULDOON NOW,

THIS CALL IS
STRICTLY BUSINESS.

PLEASE PUT ON THE CAPTAIN.

COME ON!

MOVE IT, HOMEBOYS!

( siren )

THAT'S THEM!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

GET OUTTA THE WAY!

Gunther: OOH!
OUTTA THE WAY!

OOF!

THIS IS NO TIME
FOR A NAP--COME ON!

DEATH, PLEASE.

HEAD'S UP!

COME ON,
LET'S TAKE HIM UP HERE!

COME ON!

GET HIM RIGHT IN THERE,
GUNTHER.

HORTZ, GET OUTTA THE WAY!

THERE THEY ARE!

Motti: COME ON!

NOT IN HERE,
GET UP THERE!

BY THE WAY, FRANCIS,
THIS IS CRIME.

WHEN I SAID THAT
THERE'S CRIME
AND THERE'S CRIME,

THIS IS CRIME.

I JUST NEVER KNEW
IT COULD BE LIKE THIS!

THERE THEY ARE!
IN THE FRONT CAR!

LOOK, YOU CAN SEE
MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

( bullets ricochet )

PRETEND IT'S YOUR WIFE!

WHOA!
AAH!

( riders screaming )

AAAH!

AAIEEE!

OOHH!!

YOU DIRTY--

AAAH!!!

FRANCIS! FRANCIS!
HOLD ME!

THAT WAS ENORMOUS!
LET'S DO IT ONE MORE TIME!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!

( retching )

Gunther:
WE'LL BE SAFE
IN THE TUNNEL OF LOVE!

DO YOU MIND?
DO YOU MIND?!

HEY, NO THREESOMES!

THIS IS A FAMILY PARK!

Motti: HEY!

NOBODY'S GONNA
PUT DON MOTTI
IN THE SLAMMER.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

SAY GOOD-NIGHT.

HEY!

LEO SCHNAUZER!

HEY, GUNTHER.

MOM?
SON!

FRANNIE!
VELMA!

TOODY!
BRANDY! ARLENE!

HERBIE!
HERBIE!

NICO! CARLO!

( whimpering )
IT'S VERY DARK IN HERE...

MOMMY!

I WANT MY MOMMY!

OFFICER SCHNAUZER
IS TAKING ME TO FLORIDA.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

ARREST THAT MAN!

I DID IT ALL!
I CONFESS!

I CONFESS, I DID IT!

MMM...
MMM...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.
I MEAN THAT, ALL OF YA.

WE'RE GOING BACK FOR
A LITTLE BEER AND BONDING.
STOP THE BOMBER!

FRANCIS,
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT
IN MY BOOK...

PARTNER.
THANKS, GUNTHER.

AS LONG AS
YOU TWO ARE HERE,

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THESE SWANS?

NO, I REALLY DON'T--

TUNNEL OF LOVE,
BABY, GRRR!

GRRR!
GO! GET IN!

STOP, MR. KIM, STOP!

NOW, COME ON, EVERYONE.

SOMEBODY HELP THEM OUT.
GET OUT!

LOVE IS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THING
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

GUNTHER TOODY!!!

LUCILLE!

STOP THAT SWAN!

OOH! OOH!

FREEZE, RAT-FACE!

"RAT-FACE"?
GIMME THE GUN!

DON'T EVEN TRY IT.

OH, MISS DIRECTOR!

DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'LL NEED

A CLOSE-UP OF
THE COMMANDING OFFICER
OF THE 53rd?

FUGGEDABOUT THE KIDDIES.

WE'RE GONNA GO
FOR ANOTHER RIDE!

Lucille:
OH, MY MR. TOODY-BEAR, YES!

Gunther: OOH! OOH!

♪ C'MON, EVERYBODY,
LEMME HEAR YA SAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
BLOW OUR BLUES AWAY ♪

♪ LET'S LIVE!

♪ LET'S LIVE!

THE BABY CONDOR

CAN SIT AROUND
THE MOTHER'S NEST

EATING HER REGURGITATION

FOR ONLY SO LONG.

RIGHT.

SEORITA ESQUAILA'S,

THE BEST
COIN-OPERATED LAUNDRY
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

AAARHHH...

SO THEN, THE BABY CONDOR
HAS TO TEST ITS WINGS,

AND LEAVE THE MOTHER,
AND LEARN HOW TO FLY.

RIGHT.

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK
SHE BELIEVES
IN BIRTH CONTROL?

DO YOU THINK SHE WANTS
TO HAVE A LARGE FAMILY?

WELL, UH...

WHAT ABOUT BUSING?
DOES SHE LIKE
PRIVATE OR PUBLIC?

WHERE IS SHE GONNA
SEND THE KIDS TO SCHOOL?

DOES SHE LIKE HER DONUTS
POWDERED OR CHOCOLATE?

I MEAN, THOSE KIND OF THINGS
GET IN YOUR TEETH--

♪ I LOVE HER SO MUCH

♪ I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
OF THAT MAMBO LOVE ♪

♪ OH, TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT,
TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT ♪

♪ MAMBO LOVE

♪ I LOVE THAT MAMBO LOVE

Woman: MR. MOTTI,
ONCE AGAIN
YOU HAVE MANAGED

TO WIN THE HEARTS OF THE JURY
WITH A "NOT GUILTY" VERDICT.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WELL, JACK AND JILL
WENT UP THE HILL,

BUT THEY HAD NO FLASHLIGHT
AND IT WAS VERY DARK OUT,

SO THEIR MOM CALLED THEM

AND TOLD THEM THAT
THEY HAD TO COME HOME
RIGHT AWAY.

AND MY UNCLE'S BEST FRIEND'S
COUSIN'S NEPHEW'S NEIGHBOR

TOLD ME THAT
THEY WAS VERY SCARED.

AND THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

CAN I HAVE
AN ICE CREAM NOW?

♪ MULDOON, TOODY,
VELMA VELOUR ♪

♪ THE WHOLE POSSE,
IN FULL EFFECT ♪

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ GOOD COP, BAD COP
COUPLA FLAT-FOOTED HIP COPS ♪

♪ KEPT A BEAT,
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH ♪

♪ STOP AND LISTEN
TO THE SOUND
THAT'S GOIN' AROUND ♪

♪ THEY GOT A SATELLITE DISH
SO THEY KNOW YOU AIN'T DOWN ♪

♪ WHEN YOU MAY BE UPTOWN
BREAKIN' THE LAW ♪

♪ WHAT YOU WANNA
DO THAT FOR? ♪

♪ YOU WANNA ROB THAT STORE?

♪ I'LL TELL YA WHAT,
WE'LL GIVE 'EM CAR 54 ♪

♪ THE BOYS IN THE BLUE

♪ THEY MAKE A TV SHOW
ABOUT THE 53rd ♪

♪ BUT THEY PROBABLY
NEVER HEARD ABOUT MOTTI ♪

♪ WHO'S GOTTA GET
THE WITNESS ♪

♪ AWAY FROM THE DIRECTION
OF THE POLICE PROTECTION ♪

♪ MULDOON AND TOODY
NEGLECTED THEIR DUTY ♪

♪ THEY WENT INTO THE BAR
AND FORGOT ABOUT THE CAR ♪

♪ THEY'RE UP ON CONEY ISLAND,
THE SATELLITE WILL FIND 'EM ♪

♪ IN THE END,
EVERYTHING IS OKAY ♪

♪ THE WITNESS NEVER
GETS AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO THE STORY GOES

♪ I COULDN'T TELL YOU
ANY MORE ♪

♪ THEY SAID THAT
VELMA VELOUR,
SHE LOVES CAR 54 ♪

♪ CAR 54

MMM!

THIS IS MRS. MANACOTTI.

SHE MAKES THE BEST
CANNOLIS ON THE BLOCK!

ANYTIME YOU IN BROOKLYN
JUST COME BY,

AMORE MIO.

HA HA HA!