Captain Underpants: Mega Blissmas (2020) - full transcript
[narrator] This is George Beard
and Harold Hutchins.
George is the kid on the left
with the tie and the Santa hat.
Harold is on the right with
the reindeer antlers and the bad haircut.
Remember that, now,
because they're getting their Christmas on
like a holiday movie marathon.
-[sirens wailing]
-Ho-Ho-Five-O! Ho-Ho-Hose!
-Ho-Ho-HM... O.
-[heart monitor beeping, flatlining]
-Christmas is awesome.
-Yep, it's my favorite time of the year.
The lights, the snow globes,
and whatever this is.
-I think it's a tree skirt.
-Yes!
Even the trees get dressed up
at Christmas!
And nothing puts me
in the mood for Christmas
more than the Fourth of July.
Yep. Christmas starts
earlier and earlier every year.
-[fireworks whistle]
-Aah!
♪ So George and Harold make comic books ♪
-♪ We're cool! ♪
-♪ Me, too! ♪
♪ But they met a mean old principal
Who told them what to... ♪
♪ So they got a hypno-ring
And first they made him dance ♪
♪ Then accidentally, kinda on purpose
Turned him into Captain Underpants ♪
♪ Tra-la-la ♪
♪ With a snap, he's the Captain
Not the brightest man ♪
♪ And don't forget when he gets wet
You're back where you began ♪
♪ Put it all together
What could possibly go wrong? ♪
♪ Now this is the end
Of the Captain Underpants song ♪
-♪ By George Beard and Harold Hutchins ♪
-♪ Tra-la-Christmas special! ♪
[George and Harold] The Xtreme Xploits
of the Xplosive Xmas!
[narrator] Chapter One: Merry Twistmas.
Six months later,
it was finally Christmas.
-[siren wails]
-Cheer was in the air
and smoke from a small grease fire
at Chancy Chicken.
Man, you can't beat Christmas
at Christmastime.
Yeah, it's like having Christmas
at Christmas!
I'll say, you tangled string lights.
And nothing says Christmas
like a lukewarm mug of ham nog.
I'll take the hit. What's ham nog?
A one-of-a-kind beverage
and precious holiday treasure,
made from baked ham, raw eggs,
smoked oysters, and a dash of cinnamon.
This holiday season, fill your cup
to the brim with Smickleflap's Ham Nog.
Hammy holidays.
-Ugh! Tastes like low tide.
-[stomach rumbles]
It checks all the boxes--
smoky, creamy, chewy, fishy, chunky.
[gulping] Ah!
-That sounds awful.
-To a primitive palate.
When they discontinued it,
I bought every last gallon
and put it in my Freezydoesit 2000
to preserve it for the next 10,000 years.
No! [sobbing]
Every Christmas, I allow myself
a few drops of this precious nectar.
-I kind of wanna taste it now.
-Never!
Because it's all for me
and you're nog nothings.
Ha! Nog burn.
Man, Melvin liking Christmas
is not a good look for Christmas.
-But even Melvin can't ruin Christmas.
-Nope, 'cause Christmas is perfect.
-[thudding]
-I hear rustling.
-Probably gloves.
-[jingles]
I'm getting wind chimes and...
-[jingles]
-...nine iron?
-Trying to guess gifts again, huh?
-Yeah, this one's for you.
-[glass shatters]
-Ooh, you're getting broken glass!
[sighs] Tell you what,
since we can't open presents yet,
how's about a sneak-read
of 'Tis the Eve 'Fore the Day
'Twas Christmas?
But that poem's for Christmas Eve,
which is two weeks away, George's Dad.
I know. That's what makes it
naughty and nice.
-[cat growling]
-Did someone mess with my chair?
-'Cause it's all... [grunting]
-[cat growling]
Now I can't get it to--
Why won't it just--
-Ah, perfect. Here we go.
-[cat hisses]
"'Tis the eve 'fore the day
'twas Christmas.
The village is brimming with cheer.
The blacksmith is smithing..."
-What's "smithing"?
-No idea.
-"...seamstress is seaming..."
-What's "seaming"?
-Beats me.
-"...for soon old Saint Nick will be here.
With eight flying reindeer a-pulling..."
-I gotta say, this poem's a little rusty.
-Yeah.
And these sweaters
are pretty ugly and itchy.
All this waiting-- waiting for Santa,
waiting to open presents,
waiting for Grandpa to go back to Boca
so I don't have to sleep on the floor!
-[loud snoring]
-[rumbling]
Maybe Christmas isn't perfect.
Maybe it could use some upgrades.
Yeah, might be time for a Chris-makeover.
Let's slide.
"And with that, Santa whispers..."
So, instead of red bows,
how about laser shows?
You mean like this?
Instead of peppermint...
[Harold] Super-spicy-sour-salty-scorched-
banana-apple-berry-blast!
-Instead of ugly sweaters...
-[George] Cool Christmas capes!
-Instead of jolly old Saint Nick...
-[Harold] Jacked new Santa!
-Instead of tired, sad carols...
-[George] Holi-DJs!
-Instead of bland ham...
-Corn-dog-taco-pizza-chili-changa!
-Instead of boring, decorated trees...
-Titanic tree-bots!
We're gonna need more than a day
to fit all this in.
-So we make Christmas a whole week!
-Yes!
We should make a comic!
[Captain] Chapter Two: Captain Underpants
and the Christmas Chaos,
by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
[comic narrator]
A couple of months before Christmas,
Santa was testing new toys.
One was a robot named Roguey,
a war-bot who made lots of noise.
But Roguey the Robot went rogue.
Not surprising because of his name.
He took Santa hostage and warned,
"Pay the ransom
'cause this ain't no game."
The ransom was one jillion dollars
and a motorcycle that flies
and shoots flame.
"Pay or Christmas is cancelled,"
he warned,
"'cause, again, this ain't no game."
The world didn't have that much dough,
so they did the only thing they could do.
They called for the hero in undies,
and in Captain Underpants flew.
When Captain Underpants
heard about Santa,
he said, "Oh, no! That's really bad!
But don't worry, folks. I love Christmas.
It's my favorite time to wear plaid."
Captain Underpants' mission was clear:
save Santa and Christmas, too.
'Cause if he failed, no holiday party,
not even 'O Howly Night at the zoo!
Captain Underpants flew to the North Pole.
A weird snowdrift made him look twice,
so he dug and he dug
and he dug and he dug,
and he found a jail in the ice!
Here's the thing about prison--
it can change a man, and that's a fact.
So when Captain Underpants found Santa,
he was no longer jolly.
He was jacked!
Robots charged in from all sides.
The heroes were caught in a trap.
Roguey was all, "Game's over, you fools!"
"But you said this ain't no game,"
said Cap.
Captain thought they were goners,
but new jacked Santa stepped in.
They fought side by side like Pro-Bowlers,
and they smashed all the bots for the win.
To celebrate, jacked Santa declared that
"Christmas would have a new name."
From that day on, it would be Blissmas
and be a whole new ball game,
with lasers, explosion, and fun,
and steaks, and dance music, and parades,
and jalapeno poppers, and ape racing,
and monster trucks, and horse climbing,
and French toast,
and a party that lasts a week,
and a dinosaur made out of fire,
for some reason,
and, oh, yeah, this was supposed to rhyme.
Okay, the end.
"...presents under the tree,
then helps himself to a cookie or three.
They fought side by side like Pro-Bowlers
and they smashed all the bots
for the win."
Hey, that's not right.
-No, it's better than right.
-Because we made it awesome.
To you.
-But Christmas isn't-- Ya!
-[cat growling]
-My chair is so-- Just can't get it to...
-[cat growling]
[shouting]
Okay, I need a new chair!
Oh, wait, there's the button.
-[cat hisses]
-Ah!
But Christmas isn't about you,
it's about everyone.
Instead of thinking about ourselves,
we think about others.
Mom? Were you here the whole time?
-Mom? What are you doing here?
-Giving.
That's the spirit
of every Christmas tradition.
-[music plays]
-Singing for other people,
baking cookies for other people,
giving presents to other people,
even this poem.
It's about how Santa
puts everyone before himself.
That's his thing.
[narrator] It's also
this Christmas special's thing.
Thanks, George and Harold's parents.
Where's that music coming from?
Sorry, I was watching
Lee Dingman's Christmas movie,
Christmas Lee's Christmas Tree,
on my phone.
♪ Christmas Lee's Christmas tree ♪
♪ A place for joy, not punching ♪
♪ Unless there's a ninja attack ♪
G'ah! Ninja attack!
[Christmas rock music plays]
-[ninjas] Merry Christmas!
-Oh, you got me,
you crazy Christmas ninjas!
That's what we're talking about.
Even Lee Dingman is boring at Christmas.
But if Christmas was more like our comic,
it would be better.
Better for you.
Exactly! And better for us
is better for everyone.
All is know is Christmas ain't broke,
so don't fix it.
[Harold's mom] Oh, no! Eternal darkness.
[George's mom] Lock the doors,
board the windows!
Candles were a tradition until someone
started a better tradition: lights.
Yeah, so was black and white TV
until they invented color.
And every Christmas tradition
started somewhere.
Stockings, uh, Cyber Monday,
even Santa Claus.
Man, I'd love to see
how Santa got started.
-Too bad that's impossible.
-[narrator] Nothing's impossible on TV.
Welcome to Toys of London,
the world's biggest toy store
300 years ago.
Toys of London is the top toy titan.
You have all the toys--
dolls, marbles, rattles...
and that's it.
I propose you stop selling toys
and start giving them away!
But that's not all.
We're going to wrap the toys
and put them under a tree
inside your house!
And we're gonna call it--
wait for it...
Christmas!
-Why?
-Exactly!
-Now, who's with me?
-Mr. Claus--
Oh, call me Santa.
Mr. Claus was my father. [laughs]
Very well, Santa.
If we give our toys away,
how will we make any money?
You won't!
So, we got a deal?
-[thuds]
-Whoa!
Ow!
Why are there teacups here?
Oh, right... [sputters] it's England.
[narrator] Chapter Three:
That's Show Fizz.
[whimpering, groaning]
Oh! [groaning]
Not again.
Coast is clear. It's copy time.
Once we put a copy of our comic
in the hands of every person in Piqua,
-Blissmas will be a go.
-[Anthrope] Help.
Was that Ms. Anthrope calling for help?
Nah, that was the copier.
-[Anthrope] Help.
-Hope it doesn't break.
-Me, too. Can I help?
-Yeah, grab some more paper.
-Ooh, and toner.
-Sure thing.
But first, why don't you get
in my office right now?
[Anthrope] Help.
Was that Ms. Anthrope calling for help?
-No, that was the copier.
-[Anthrope] Hel--
Misallocation of school copying resources?
[laughs] Ooh, that's a serious offense.
What to do?
You could give us your keys.
[Krupp] Ah! Let me in! It's my house!
And I have to go number two!
You could nominate us for membership
in your Yak Lodge.
Let me in, let me in! I'm a Yak!
[braying]
You could take us on a Christmas cruise.
-[boat horn blares]
-Let me in! I paid for this cruise!
Boys, Christmas
is my favorite time of year.
Three weeks of paid time off
with nothing but a roaring fire
and a freezer full of steaks
I got dirt cheap at the Beef Thief.
[Beef Thief] Steaks, roasts, burgers.
If it's beef, we got it.
And at prices so low,
you'll swear it was stolen.
'Cause it was.
-[police siren wails]
-Uh... gotta go!
But there's one thing
about Christmas I can't stand.
-Christmas fudge flab?
-[screams]
-Christmas credit card debt?
-[screams]
No! The school Christmas pageant.
Isn't Ms. Hurd in charge?
She was, but apparently
Ms. Hurd passed away last year.
-So who directed it last year?
-Her ghost.
But now her ghost is retiring.
[ethereal music plays]
The good news is I can finally shut down
the music program.
The bad news is
none of the other teachers will step up.
You have to direct the pageant!
You're a gym teacher!
You know about theater!
-Yeah-yeah-yeah, no-no-no-no.
-Is that a yes or a no?
-You're sending mixed signals!
-Ah!
-Christmas pageant!
-[screaming]
If I don't find someone to direct
the pageant, I'll have to do it.
And I'd rather be eaten by sharks
than spend more time with you kids.
-But you're a school principal.
-Ugh, don't remind me.
-But the good news is--
-You already said.
There's more good news!
And the good news is I've found someone!
[Dressy] ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
-[bells jingling]
-♪ Jingle all the way-hey ♪
I can't believe Krupp is making us direct
the Christmas pageant.
-Worst punishment ever.
-Yep, this pageant is stale.
Hasn't changed since the dinosaurs did it.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle-- ♪
-[roars]
-[kids scream]
You're right, and that's why
we should totally upgrade it.
Hey, guys, we all love Christmas,
but what if we made it cooler?
'Cause that's what we're gonna do.
We're turning "Christmas" into "Blissmas,"
starting with the pageant.
We've been asleep at the Christmas wheel,
and it's time to hit the Blissmas gas!
-[kids] Yay!
-[Bo farts]
Sorry. Meatloaf Monday.
Don't be sorry, 'cause Blissmas
doesn't apologize for anything.
[kids] Yay!
-Can I lose these sleigh bells?
-Only if you want to.
[kids] Yay!
Wait, I like sleigh bells.
I love this.
It's new, it's bold, it's uncompromising.
But our parents won't be on board.
All things change,
and Christmas is a thing.
You gotta break some eggs to make egg nog.
Egg-xactly, and I know
a thing or two about nog.
George and Harold's pageant
is going to be legendary.
-Really?
-Yes.
A legendary train wreck!
[laughing]
I'll have a front row seat
to enjoy every moment of it
with a room temperature mug of ham nog.
Ah...
Ah...
[gulps, gasps]
Okay, let's wreck this pageant
from the top.
-Why does it smell like the pier?
-[Melvin] Ham nog!
[narrator] Meanwhile, 300 years ago,
Christmas was still a hard sell.
Because if The Eiffel Toyer
gives its toys away,
it will inspire people to think about
others before themselves.
-[thuds]
-Oh! Oof!
Croissants.
And if people think about others
before themselves,
thanks to Toysland Uber Alles,
they'll be happy.
-[thuds]
-[yelps] Oof!
Ah, bratwurst!
And if everyone is happy,
the world will be a better place,
courtesy of Neutrali-Toys.
-[thuds]
-Ow! Oh!
Oh, cheese!
"Big school Christmas pageant tonight.
No shoes, no shirt, no Santa show!
-Break a leg, kids."
-[both laugh]
[Harold] "Tonight is Blissmas
and Santa is going to town."
[both laughing]
Nice! Now, let's get naughty.
[narrator] Chapter Four:
Swing and a Christmas.
Oh, hello, parents of some students.
And you, too, other parents
of some other students.
[laughs] I did it.
I made George and Harold
direct the Christmas pageant,
and I didn't even check on them.
I'm a Christmas genius!
Aren't you worried that George and Harold
changed the pageant?
No!
-Wait, what?
-[all gasp]
-Oh, no.
-It's Christmas Eve.
The War on Christmas
has raged for centuries.
But this year, 2127,
is the year a hero rises from the tinsel
-and Christmas becomes Blissmas.
-[all gasp]
Because Santa's coming to town
to kick some bot butt.
Thanks, Dasher.
You, too, Dancer and Prancer.
Love the new look, Santa.
You're, like, super jacked now.
Stay frosty, Christmas commandos.
That explosion woke up the metal heads.
We're gonna have to blast our way out.
Good. Let's wreck the halls!
-[metal music plays]
-[all gasp]
Ah! The metal heads have force fields!
-Our lasers can't break through!
-No, but the mistletoe missile will.
-[gasps]
-[explosion]
Ho-ho-hope you have insurance!
[all murmuring]
-Santa should be here by now.
-But he's not.
It's the end of Christmas.
♪ Ho-ho-hopeless! ♪
Right, because it's the beginning
of Blissmas!
And this night ain't silent anymore,
so make some noise
and have a Mega Blissmas!
[dance music blaring]
[all gasp]
Corndog-taco-pizza-chilichangas
for everyone!
Ow!
-[roars]
-Oh...
and there's a dinosaur made of fire,
for some reason.
-[crunching]
-That's crunchy.
And hot! Oh! [panting]
-Mega Blissmas, everyone!
-[dance music continues]
[parents grumbling]
-[grumbling continues]
-Uh, um... ahem.
M-Merry Christmas?
Man, the crowd was so blown away,
they couldn't even clap.
Or cheer, or talk, or even move.
We did it! We made Blissmas a thing!
It was awesome!
To us.
To the audience, not so much.
My parents hated it.
My mom started crying.
♪ Tears of sorrow! ♪
Oh, my family stopped sweating.
That's never happened before.
My mother called her lawyar.
My Dad said we're moving.
What are you talking about? We killed it!
We sure did.
We killed Christmas.
[panting]
-[parents grumbling]
-[panting] Oh! Oh!
[speaking gibberish] Why-- Huh? Why?
-Why what?
-Yeah. Can you be more specific?
[grunts] Aah!
Why did you change the pageant?
Everybody loved that old sap-fest!
And you ruined it!
Now the parents are furious
and they're taking it out on me!
So I'm going to take it out on you.
Get ready for some ho-ho-hard labor.
[grunting, shouting]
[groaning, thuds]
[sighs] Honey, we're not mad,
we're disappointed.
I'm both and confused.
Why was there a dinosaur?
And why do I have to sit in the middle?
What's so bad about Blissmas?
Blissmas is for you.
Christmas is for everyone.
-And everyone loved that pageant...
-[soft piano music plays]
...until tonight.
Too bad more people didn't love ham nog.
Now, that made for a hammy holiday.
-Getting rid of it was a Christmas crime.
-[piano music stops]
Maybe the real crime
was not giving Blissmas a chance.
-[music resumes]
-Boys, I want you to read this.
"'Tis the Eve 'Fore the Day
'Twas Christmas."
-We read it.
-But you don't get it.
Christmas was about putting others
before yourself right from the start,
and that will never change.
I'm calling Smickleflaps.
I want a ham nog reboot.
[announcer] Mm, ham nog!
Ugh, this pageant punishment
sure is pungent.
More like putrid.
Maybe our parents are right.
Maybe Christmas will never change.
Unless we use Melvin's Timetoad
to go back in time
and change Christmas before it starts.
Yes! Exactly what I was thinking.
-I'm sure that's what they meant.
-[narrator] That is not what they meant.
Don't touch that last toilet!
-Why?
-I'm defrosting ribeyes in there.
-[flies buzz]
-[cow moos]
-Why?
-Well, the Beef Thief says
to defrost meat in a toilet,
and mine are full of T-bones and tri-tip!
You know, Christmas past
might be dangerous.
Yeah, so let's bring a holiday heavy
to watch our backs.
[fingers snap]
♪ Tra-la-lavatory! ♪
I've done that one before,
but it never gets old.
Ooh, are these toilet steaks spoken for?
[munching]
-So, when was the first Christmas?
-I don't know.
Let's ask Santa.
-We're gonna meet Santa?
-[toilet flushes]
Santa!
Oof!
And to close out the Ds,
I want a doctor dog.
That's a dog that's licensed
to practice medicine.
[barking]
You don't know when all this started?
Didn't they teach you that
in mall Santa training?
Ho-ho-ho! Look, kid, I'm just an actor
trying to make a buck.
-I graduated from Juilliard.
-Ooh!
I was the lead on The Zoovestigator
for three seasons.
-[gibbers]
-It's not like those monkeys
could have opened
this unlocked door and walked out.
Oh, wait.
Yes, they could have.
♪ Zoovestigator! ♪
-That show was underrated.
-[elf] Psst!
Youse twos want the Santa skinny?
Follows me.
...an elderly llama,
an eel tank filled with eel--
[narrator] Chapter Five: Elf Help.
[Harold grunts] Ow.
Why is this igloo so small?
Because it ain't a real igloo,
so shut your yaps and listen up.
Name's Yule, Yule Tide.
I'm one of Santa's little helpers,
real Santa.
-Wait, you're a real elf?
-That's right, chief.
Don't get your stockings in a knot.
So, whys is you kids asking
so many questions about Santa, huh?
Because we want to bring Christmas
into the 21st century.
Oh, yeah?
How's youse gonna dos that?
Use a time machine to go back
to the first Christmas Eve
and have a chat with Santa.
Time machine, eh? All right, I'll bite.
Seventeen-twenty, North Pole,
that's when Santa became Santa.
You goes there, maybe you can
give Christmas a needed kick in the pants.
Thanks. I guess
you're our little helper, too.
-Oh! Is that an elf crack?
-No! He just meant that--
Ha!
[laughing] I'm just busting your chops.
We're on the same team.
Look at me, 300 years of pointy hats
and pointy shoes is enough.
I'm an elf, not a clown.
Why can't I wear something nice?
So, you want us to tell Santa
that elves need new clothes?
Whoa! I didn't say that, youse did.
All right, we're done here. Beat it.
And take your man-baby with youse.
He's gumming up the works.
And a giraffe-man. That's the Gs.
You need a break
or should we push through to the Zs?
[wood creaking]
-[Captain yelps]
-[crashes]
[Captain] Huh, chair.
Add that to the "chuhs."
"Dear Mr. Claus,
I'll forgo the pleasantries
and get straight to my Christmas demands,
in order of priority.
One: bring back
Smickleflap's Ham Nog, obviously.
Two: facial hair, preferably a mustache,
but a soul patch will suffice.
Three: absolute power.
Four: the--"
-[boys] Merry Christmas!
-Aah!
[sighs] I should have replaced Mother
with a guard dog.
And Christmas is next week,
you cracked ornaments.
But we wanted to give you an early gift.
Let me guess.
Is it a spring-loaded boxing glove?
[grunts]
Or a set of propeller bow ties?
Aah!
Or is it a rabid badger?
-[chittering, screeching]
-Aah! [screaming]
-You have to open it to find out.
-Very well, then.
Behold, the Anti-de-present 2000,
built for precisely this occasion.
-[thuds]
-What was that?
-Uh... indoornado.
-Wall moose.
[sighs] My fault for asking.
-Who's there?
-Springnado.
-Spring moose.
-Why do I bother?
-[Harold] Where's he going?
-[George] Bathroom?
-[toilet flushes]
-Hmm.
-Uh... toiletnado!
-Toilet moose!
[groans] I weep for the future.
[Melvin] Aha!
It's... It's...
It's beautiful!
We had Bo make it for you.
Yeah. Now you can could drink ham nog
out of your own head.
Oh... [weeping]
Uh, I'll be right back.
I think he's really touched.
Got it! And he'll never even know
I was here.
-Whoa! [shouting]
-[loud crashing]
Ooh! Ow! Oh!
Whoops, excuse me. Just--
Oh! Ah! [groaning]
In this mug is perfectly lukewarm ham nog.
I have never before shared it
with another living creature,
not even Mother.
No! But now... [chuckles]
the three of us will drink
from this mug together...
[crying]
forever cementing our bond
of everlasting friendship. [sobs]
That's awfully nice of you, Melvin,
uh, but we had a big lunch.
Yeah, no.
Drink!
[narrator] Chapter Six:
Here Comes Santa Clash,
in which they all travel back in time
to meet Santa.
Ugh! I am never gonna get
that ham nog taste out of my mouth.
Ugh! Nothing should be that chewy.
Ho-ho. Did you guys just eat tires?
Been there.
Ooh, good tires! Am I right?
So, this is the North Pole in 1720.
-There's nothing here.
-Nothing except that.
[Captain] Whoa-ho!
A giant gingerbread house!
Maybe that's where
those cute little elves live.
[elves shouting]
Their hammers aren't cute!
Intruders! Attack!
[shouting]
Oh, no! They're attack elves!
Cover your knees!
Wha! Oof!
-Whoa!
-Hyah!
-Aah!
-Yah!
[Captain shouting]
These elves are meaner than the elves
in my favorite fantasy role-playing game,
Wizards and Wallets.
Ha-ho! I got an 87!
Here's my wallet!
[grunts]
See you next week.
I'll bring chips and dip
and another wallet.
-[elves shouting]
-[grunting]
There's so many.
There's an Elvis of them!
-That's what you call a bunch of elves.
-[narrator] No, it isn't.
Yeah, but they're short,
so when they go low, we go high!
Right, Captain Underpants?
Good thinking. I'll find an escalator.
No! You can fly!
Oh, yeah!
I always forget that when it matters.
Aah! [groans]
[George] Whoa!
Flying with friends is fun.
We should do this more often.
-Yeah, but not here!
-Incoming antlers!
-[grunts]
-[boys shout]
-Huh? [grunts]
-[boys shout]
-[Captain grunting]
-[boys screaming]
[groans] I don't like
these reindeer games.
[gasps]
[grunts]
-[elves shouting]
-[blows landing]
[George and Captain groaning]
-[Santa] Ho-ho-hold the phone!
-[shouting stops]
Get off before we get sued!
[boys] Santa!
Uh, sorry, we don't get many guests.
Or any guests at all. [chuckles]
Come on in!
Just made a fresh batch of cookies.
[both gasp]
Wait, why aren't you wearing any clothes?
-It's 20 below zero.
-My motor runs hot.
So you always wanted
to give toys to everyone?
My first childhood toy was a stick.
It made me so happy.
But giving it to my neighbor Maurice
made me realize true happiness
is putting others before yourself.
I went around the world
looking for someone else
who wanted to put others
before themselves like me,
but everyone said no.
That's when I realized
I'd have to make it happen on my own.
So I emptied my bank account and moved
to the North Pole to make a fresh start.
♪ Fresh start! ♪
[Santa] But it was a lot colder
than I expected.
Luckily, that's when I met the elves.
And they loved my presentation,
so they helped me build this cottage
and a workshop for toys.
And now we're a lean, mean,
toy-making machine.
[chuckles] Well, maybe not so lean
'cause of all the cookies,
but that's all there is to eat here.
You know, it's the Arctic.
[boys] Yeah!
-[Harold] Whoa!
-[gift honks, rattles]
[George] Santa's workshop!
This is the sleigh,
and you've met the reindeer.
Now, once we're loaded up,
I'm going to fly around the world,
giving trees and presents to everyone.
And tomorrow, December 25th,
the world will be a better place,
full of lights and bows and festive songs
and colorful sweaters
and, most importantly,
the joy of putting others before yourself,
all thanks to Christmas.
Heh, that's what I'm calling it.
I'm kind of hoping people do
the tree part themselves next year
'cause this sap is really sticky.
Anyways, that's the plan.
What do you think?
-It's a good plan, really.
-But what if you think bigger?
Instead of red bows, laser shows!
Instead of ugly sweaters, cool capes!
Instead of decorating trees,
creating tree-bots!
Maybe this will inspire you.
Oh, pictures!
-Ooh, got any more of those cookies?
-Tons.
[chuckles] It's a problem.
But my New Year's resolution
is to hit the gym,
soon as it gets invented,
'cause it is the 1700s.
Yeah, all right, "A couple of months
before Christmas,
Santa was testing new toys..."
-"Okay, the end."
-And that's not all.
You're giving presents to everyone, right?
-Well, what about Santa?
-Maybe Santa gets a present.
Uh, maybe it's a boat.
Whoa, I've always wanted a boat.
Well, this changes everything!
Elves, I'm calling an audible!
Boys, you just booked permanent spots
on my "nice" list,
which is another thing I'm starting.
Ugh! I got a tummy ache.
Maybe that's because you ate
every single cookie we had!
G'oh! Sap!
He's on board.
Let's head home and see if it sticks.
And let's skip ahead to Christmas Eve
in the present.
Good call, 'cause there's no waiting
in Blissmas.
[narrator] Chapter Seven: So Did It Work?
[croaks]
[chitters]
Huh, I thought things would change,
but everything looks the same.
Guess it didn't work after all.
[man over PA] Celebratory tree ignition
in three, two, one.
-[both gasp]
-[festive music plays]
-Hit the dirt!
-[fireworks whistling]
[grunting]
I'm hitting it as hard as I can!
[grunting]
But it's not working! Make it stop!
You make it stop! You have powers!
Oh, yeah. Why can't I remember that?
Okay, tree, it's time for you
to make like a you and leaf.
Or at least stop burning.
[Captain wails]
[Krupp groans]
[siren wails]
[Krupp groaning]
Why am I wet? Where are my pants?
And why am I an ornament now?
[crying]
[Krupp screaming]
Whoa, auto tree refill. A treefill!
-[siren wails]
-[chuckles] So good.
Kid, get out of the blast zone!
And Mega Blissmas!
Mega Blissmas? Does that mean--
It worked! Blissmas is a thing!
♪ Got a burning tree
That's a rocket, too ♪
♪ Got a DJ dropping beats
That'll make you scream "whoo" ♪
♪ Got a glowing half-pipe
For catching holiday air ♪
♪ And there's lasers, lasers, lasers
Lasers, lasers everywhere ♪
-♪ We're wearing capes ♪
-♪ And racing apes ♪
♪ This is everything we've ever wanted
In a holiday ♪
-♪ No more carols to sing ♪
-♪ No more sleigh bells to ring ♪
-♪ We're dancing on a hovercraft ♪
-♪ 'Cause Blissmas is a thing ♪
-♪ Grab a rope and swing ♪
-♪ Eat and drink like a king ♪
♪ We all just hit the jackpot
'Cause Blissmas is a thing! ♪
[fireworks whistling, popping]
[Harold] Now, that was a Christmas song.
-Because it was a Blissmas song.
-Yep.
I can't believe Santa got us
everything we wanted for Blissmas,
including a chili geyser!
Blissmas is the longest week of the year.
A whole week of this awesomeness?
Including a whole week of presents!
It just keeps getting better and better!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-- Ow!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-- Oh!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-- [grunting]
I can't wait for, yeah-yeah-yeah,
Blissmas to be,
yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, over!
-Ow!
-Not better for everyone, I guess.
Yeah. Mr. Meaner always loved Christmas.
Merry yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah Christmas!
Look what I got at Rent-A-Reindeer!
Ho, ho, ho!
Who's got yeah-yeah-yeah mistletoe?
[all screaming]
[reindeer growls]
Our parents aren't so wild
about Blissmas either.
Yeah, but they're adults.
Adults are never happy.
[Santa] Ho, ho, ho! Mega Blissmas!
People of Piqua,
this is your Santa speaking!
Time to get your butts to the Piquarena
for tonight's Mega Mechalition Derby!
Mechalition Derby?
No idea what it is
and it's my new favorite thing.
[Christmas dance music blaring]
Hey, guys! You ready
for some Mechalition derby?
We're not asking because we just got here
and we have no idea what it is.
Giant robots smashing
into each other again? Eh.
"Eh"?
But Blissmas is so awesome.
At first, but then it's just loud,
pointless, and obnoxious.
Like Other Sophie. Sophie burn!
Wait, I thought everyone loved Blissmas.
-What about the lasers?
-Seen it.
-And the music?
-♪ Heard it! ♪
-The Ho-Ho-Ho-ller Coaster?
-Been thar.
-Virtual Blissmas?
-Done that.
-[roars]
-Aw, the Blissmas bobcat bit me again.
You guys are crazy.
Blissmas is awesome!
Yeah. You could be decorating a tree
instead of launching it.
That actually sounds nice.
Okay, but would you rather have
boring plates of cookies
or exciting cookie drones?
[chirping, beeping]
Boring plates! Boring plates!
Aah!
I'd like to eat one thing, baked,
like a ham,
instead of a bunch of stuff ichanga'd.
Singing is easier
when you're not winded from dodging.
♪ Dodging! ♪
♪ Fa la-- ♪ Uh!
♪ La la-la-- ♪ Uh!
♪ La-la la ♪
[grunts, panting] ♪ Need oxygen ♪
Wow, it'd be nice
if everyone spent this holiday
putting others before themselves,
especially Santa.
What do you mean?
Santa always thinks about other people.
That's why he gives presents to everyone.
Wrong! Santa doesn't give
presents to anyone.
He gets presents.
-[both] Whaaat?
-[fireworks whistling]
Whoa, wait, wait.
Where are your presents for Santa?
We don't have any.
-[kids gasp] Ooh!
-Oh!
You don't have presents for Santa?
[elf] Where's your present for Santa?
I forgot it.
[elf] Maybe this will help you remember.
-[roars]
-[screams]
Remember Santa's present,
remember Santa's present...
George, this present thing is bad.
Is Blissmas a missmas?
Nah. Nothing we can't fixmas.
Don't worry, guys. We're tight with Santa.
We'll wrap this gift rift.
Gift ri-- hmm.
Gift rift. That's hard to say.
Oh, hey, it's Yule.
-And you got the suit you wanted.
-Do I know youse?
Oh, that's right!
You haven't met us yet 'cause time travel.
Anyway, Merry Blissmas!
Merry? You mean "Mega" Blissmas.
And where are your presents for Santa?
-We don't have any.
-[gasps] Ooh!
Why does everyone keep doing that?
Tell Jingle Boss I got a couple
of gift-less Garys coming his way.
[narrator] Chapter Eight: Santa Flaws.
-[elevator beeping]
-[Muzak playing]
[elevator bell dings]
[Christmas dance music plays]
[polar bear roars]
This is way better than a Christmas party.
It's like a North Pole night club.
[announcer] The North Pole's
hottest dance club.
It's so exclusive, no one gets in,
because it's a glacier.
Exactly. Blissmas is amazing.
All we gotta do is fix this gift goof
with the big guy and we're golden.
Yeah, if we fix the GG
with the big G, we're G.
I found the big G.
Ho! Yeez, ho!
-[Santa grunts]
-Emphasis on "big."
[grunts]
Georgetown! H-Bomb!
You remember us?
Of course. I'm Santa!
-Jacked Santa!
-Yep.
I put down the cookies
and picked up the weights.
Oh, you guys want
a Blissmas protein shake?
I got Ultra Fudgealanche
and Big-Time Bacon-Berry Blitz!
-We love what you've done with Blissmas.
-Isn't it great?
It's got everything-- lasers, capes,
rides, lasers, music, spicy food,
robots, lasers, and lasers!
What am I saying?
You guys know all that
'cause it was your idea!
We just have one small question.
Why are you getting gifts
instead of giving them?
Oh. Well, giving was a Christmas thing!
Christmas was for everyone.
But this is Blissmas, baby,
and Blissmas is all about me!
That's not in our comic.
Hey, you were the spark, I'm the fire!
Yeah, but maybe this fire's
out of control.
That's what makes it Blissmas, baby.
And don't worry about getting me a gift.
Youse two get a pass on presents.
You're VIPs!
After all, without you,
there's no Blissmas!
Right, but what if,
and I'm just spitballing here,
you tried giving presents
instead of getting them?
Yeah, and then Blissmas would be perfect.
Whoa.
I gotta think-squat-thrust about that one.
Ho! [grunts] Ho! [grunts]
Ho! [straining]
Yeah, okay, I'm good.
Good-good-good brain burn, there.
Here's the deal.
The spirit of Blissmas
is "go big or go home," am I right?
-It is?
-Yep! And I never go home.
Well, I go home after Blissmas.
But I'm here now, so you're on!
-Really?
-Sure!
All you have to do is win
the Blissmas Mechalition Derby!
-Say what, now?
-Win the Blissmas Mechalition Derby!
-Say what, now?
-Mechalition is the big kahuna
of Blissmas traditions.
If you guys defeat all the robots,
I'll do whatever you say!
And if we lose?
You join my elf team.
After all, if it's not high-stakes,
it's not Blissmas.
Uh, yeah. We so know robo.
Right, we're so robo-gung-ho.
[narrator] Uh-oh. No, no.
Like you two single cells
could ever defeat my robots.
Melvin? You work for Santa?
I don't work for anyone, entry levels.
I'm a robo-consultant.
So, no dental plan?
I'm in it for the nog.
Mm, gummy! [snaps fingers]
I built robots and Santa gave me
all the remaining ham nog on Earth.
Mm, oystery!
I don't know why he likes it.
It tastes like fish fire!
That's because those vile protein shakes
destroyed your taste buds,
you hulking cry for help.
[screams]
I can't believe ham nog
is a thing in this timeline, too.
Yeah. Maybe we should give it
another shot.
[both gagging]
-It's even worse than I remember. [gags]
-[coughing] So gluey.
Aw, come on.
We haven't even started yet.
Sorry, buddy. I'll get some tape.
This is a lot more dangerous
than I thought.
-And we so don't know robo.
-Nope. We're robo no go.
But who needs bots when you've got briefs?
[Krupp laughs, munching]
I told you, Steak or Break,
you'll never break me.
I just wish I had more stomachs
and more steak.
Krupp's here? Man, talk about luck.
-Or lazy writing.
-[fingers snap]
[grunts]
♪ Tra-la-licious! ♪
But I got a steakache.
Better put a steak on it.
Captain Underpants, we need you
to win a robot demolition derby.
But I'm not a robot.
We can fix that with tin foil.
-Fixed.
-[laughs] I'll say!
I'm like a burrito now.
[narrator] Chapter Nine:
Season's Beatings.
[Santa] Mega Blissmas!
Are you Blissmas bandits
melting down for Mechalition?
[crowd cheering]
[engine revs]
Robots, take the battlefield!
[crowd cheering]
Okay, Cap, get out there
and show them who's ro-boss!
Will do.
But first, where's the ro-bathroom,
'cause I gotta ro-go.
Not now. You gotta win
so Santa gives everyone presents again.
And then everybody will love Blissmas
as much as we do.
[narrator] In case you forgot
why they were doing this.
Okay, I'll try to ro-hold it,
but no promises.
Hey, how's it going?
You a robot here for the robot fight?
Yeah, me, too.
You can tell 'cause I'm shiny.
Mega Blissmas to all,
and to all a good fight!
[fireworks whistling]
[crowd gasps]
Ho-ho, I'm steaking you down! Nailed it!
Huh?
Hey, wait for me.
[Captain] No! My meat!
That was a big mis-steak.
Get it? 'Cause steak!
-[crowd cheers]
-Captain Underpants, you did it!
You saved Blissmas!
This calls for a steak dinner!
Ugh, I'm all steaked out,
but I left room for pie!
Ho-ho-hold on!
Santa? You look different.
Did you get a new head, face, and body?
I said you had to beat all the robots.
He did beat all the robots.
Not quite. Melvin!
Behold, my greatest Blissmas robot.
-Mechthehalls 2000!
-[crowd cheering]
Heh, I forgot to mention,
I always win Mechalition
because Blissmas is all about me!
Yeah, he's definitely gonna win.
[narrator] Chapter Ten: The Incredibly
Graphic Violence Chapter
presented in Deco-Rama, because
when it comes to robot Christmas trees,
if you can't beat 'em, decorate 'em.
No cane, no gain.
Get it? 'Cause-- [grunts]
Watch out for these Santa claws.
Meow-- [grunts]
And a jar on top.
Wait, is it a jar or star?
I can't ever remembe-- [grunts]
[grunts]
[sputtering]
Yep, I'm getting my ham baked.
But the good news is my mouth tastes
like a clean bathroom.
-[Captain shouting]
-He's getting his jingle bells rung.
-[grunting]
-Of course.
What part of greatest Blissmas robot
was unclear?
Mm, briny.
Remember what that ham nog did
to Melvin's robot chair?
-Yeah, it totally jacked it.
-Right!
So maybe the nog will wreck the walls
for Mechthehalls.
Yeah, but Melvin loves
that ashy, stretchy goop
more than anything in the world.
Small price to pay to save Blissmas.
[growls] Captain Underpants,
you need to nog that tree!
Okay! Beats losing.
[gasps]
[pig squealing]
Nog!
Five-second rule!
We did it! We beat all the robots!
So Santa will start giving presents
instead of getting them.
-[narrator] Just in case you forgot.
-[gasps]
[whimpers]
[Santa] Ho-ho-no, I won't!
I'm not Santa Claus.
I'm Mechanaclaus!
[shouting]
[charging]
♪ Tra-la-la-la-look out! ♪
[both] Whoa!
-[Harold] Aah!
-[George sighs] It's okay.
We can still save Blissmas.
George, I see the light!
That's a 5,000-watt
LED stadium floodlight.
Kind of hard to miss.
No, I mean this poem.
I finally get it.
We shouldn't be trying to save
Blissmas for ourselves.
We should be trying to save Christmas
for everyone else.
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
Oh! Now I get it.
Yeah, and we broke Christmas.
-So now we gotta fix it.
-By making sure everyone gets it.
Even Santa.
[Captain] Whoa!
[Santa grunts]
[Captain grunting]
[Santa] Here comes a ho-ho-TKO!
Right, because you're Santa
and you're gonna punch me
until I'm unconscious.
Ooh, my nose is glowing.
It's like a night-light for my head.
[switch clanks]
"'Tis the eve 'fore the day
'twas Christmas.
The village is brimming with cheer."
[Santa] There is no Christmas cheer,
only Blissmas fear!
"The blacksmith is smithing,
the seamstress is seaming,
for soon old Saint Nick will be here."
No. No, he won't.
I'm-I'm here! I'm Mechanaclaus!
Hey, are you supposed to be
glowing like that?
"Eight flying reindeer
a-pulling his sleigh."
"Full of gifts to deliver all in one day."
"He slips down the chimney
with nary a peep."
"Then glides through the house
as the children still sleep."
"He places the presents undar the tree."
"Then helps himself to a cookie or three."
♪ Three! ♪
"And with that, Santa whispers,
winking his eye,
'Merry Christmas to everyone,'
and returns to the sky."
[narrator] And that was when Mechanaclaus
remembered it was his job
to bring Christmas, not Blissmas,
to everyone.
And a most wonderful thing happened.
Mechanaclaus became
the Santa Claus he was meant to be.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[all gasping]
Christmas is back, baby!
And I have something for everyone.
Elves, fire the giftzookas.
[George] Giftzookas?
I guess a little Blissmas can't hurt.
[grunts] Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah,
Blissmas blunt force trauma.
[chuckles] Thank you, George and Harold,
for reminding me
what Christmas was meant to be.
I don't know what I was thinking
for the last 300 years.
Well, it's kind of our fault
'cause we went back in time
and gave you our comic.
The point is Christmas is back.
That's right. And what would you two
like for Christmas?
-A hovercraft?
-[Krupp screaming]
-Or maybe a treehouse upgrade?
-[Krupp screaming]
Anything. Name it, and it's yours.
Thanks for my giraffe guy, Santa!
-Come on, Jeffraffe.
-[crying, slurping]
[crying, whimpers]
[George] 'Tis the morn of the day
that is Christmas.
Blissmas is no longer a thing.
[Harold] For Christmas
was already perfect,
though Blissmas had lots of zing.
[George] And why is Christmas
so awesome?
For a reason both simple and true.
[Harold] 'Cause Christmas
is all about others
instead of being all about you.
-Uh...
-[pig squeals]
-[Melvin screams]
-Hammy holidays, Melvin.
And to all a good nog.
-You know, giving is better than getting.
-[Yule] So youse don't want your present?
Here you go, boys.
Compliments of the Jingle Boss.
"You're invited to the premiere
of The Last Blissmas, a true story
of how George Beard and Harold Hutchins
saved Christmas."
"A Santa Claus film starring Lee Dingman"?
George, Santa made a movie about us!
That's even better than a TV show!
No! Why won't this giraffe guy
leave me alone?
We never stopped believing
in you, Santa.
Even after you got jacked
and started dying your hair.
Thanks, boys.
Now let's go celebrate Christmas.
[roars]
But first, let's fight this dinosaur
made of fire, for some reason.
♪ Tra-la-la! ♪
[growls]
[laughs] I'm in a movie! [screaming]
You really can't beat Christmas.
Nope. You'd have to be nuts to even try.
Handsome, smart, and funny, too.
Whew! That line took forever!
So, when does the movie start?
[Captain] Aw!
[theme music playing]
and Harold Hutchins.
George is the kid on the left
with the tie and the Santa hat.
Harold is on the right with
the reindeer antlers and the bad haircut.
Remember that, now,
because they're getting their Christmas on
like a holiday movie marathon.
-[sirens wailing]
-Ho-Ho-Five-O! Ho-Ho-Hose!
-Ho-Ho-HM... O.
-[heart monitor beeping, flatlining]
-Christmas is awesome.
-Yep, it's my favorite time of the year.
The lights, the snow globes,
and whatever this is.
-I think it's a tree skirt.
-Yes!
Even the trees get dressed up
at Christmas!
And nothing puts me
in the mood for Christmas
more than the Fourth of July.
Yep. Christmas starts
earlier and earlier every year.
-[fireworks whistle]
-Aah!
♪ So George and Harold make comic books ♪
-♪ We're cool! ♪
-♪ Me, too! ♪
♪ But they met a mean old principal
Who told them what to... ♪
♪ So they got a hypno-ring
And first they made him dance ♪
♪ Then accidentally, kinda on purpose
Turned him into Captain Underpants ♪
♪ Tra-la-la ♪
♪ With a snap, he's the Captain
Not the brightest man ♪
♪ And don't forget when he gets wet
You're back where you began ♪
♪ Put it all together
What could possibly go wrong? ♪
♪ Now this is the end
Of the Captain Underpants song ♪
-♪ By George Beard and Harold Hutchins ♪
-♪ Tra-la-Christmas special! ♪
[George and Harold] The Xtreme Xploits
of the Xplosive Xmas!
[narrator] Chapter One: Merry Twistmas.
Six months later,
it was finally Christmas.
-[siren wails]
-Cheer was in the air
and smoke from a small grease fire
at Chancy Chicken.
Man, you can't beat Christmas
at Christmastime.
Yeah, it's like having Christmas
at Christmas!
I'll say, you tangled string lights.
And nothing says Christmas
like a lukewarm mug of ham nog.
I'll take the hit. What's ham nog?
A one-of-a-kind beverage
and precious holiday treasure,
made from baked ham, raw eggs,
smoked oysters, and a dash of cinnamon.
This holiday season, fill your cup
to the brim with Smickleflap's Ham Nog.
Hammy holidays.
-Ugh! Tastes like low tide.
-[stomach rumbles]
It checks all the boxes--
smoky, creamy, chewy, fishy, chunky.
[gulping] Ah!
-That sounds awful.
-To a primitive palate.
When they discontinued it,
I bought every last gallon
and put it in my Freezydoesit 2000
to preserve it for the next 10,000 years.
No! [sobbing]
Every Christmas, I allow myself
a few drops of this precious nectar.
-I kind of wanna taste it now.
-Never!
Because it's all for me
and you're nog nothings.
Ha! Nog burn.
Man, Melvin liking Christmas
is not a good look for Christmas.
-But even Melvin can't ruin Christmas.
-Nope, 'cause Christmas is perfect.
-[thudding]
-I hear rustling.
-Probably gloves.
-[jingles]
I'm getting wind chimes and...
-[jingles]
-...nine iron?
-Trying to guess gifts again, huh?
-Yeah, this one's for you.
-[glass shatters]
-Ooh, you're getting broken glass!
[sighs] Tell you what,
since we can't open presents yet,
how's about a sneak-read
of 'Tis the Eve 'Fore the Day
'Twas Christmas?
But that poem's for Christmas Eve,
which is two weeks away, George's Dad.
I know. That's what makes it
naughty and nice.
-[cat growling]
-Did someone mess with my chair?
-'Cause it's all... [grunting]
-[cat growling]
Now I can't get it to--
Why won't it just--
-Ah, perfect. Here we go.
-[cat hisses]
"'Tis the eve 'fore the day
'twas Christmas.
The village is brimming with cheer.
The blacksmith is smithing..."
-What's "smithing"?
-No idea.
-"...seamstress is seaming..."
-What's "seaming"?
-Beats me.
-"...for soon old Saint Nick will be here.
With eight flying reindeer a-pulling..."
-I gotta say, this poem's a little rusty.
-Yeah.
And these sweaters
are pretty ugly and itchy.
All this waiting-- waiting for Santa,
waiting to open presents,
waiting for Grandpa to go back to Boca
so I don't have to sleep on the floor!
-[loud snoring]
-[rumbling]
Maybe Christmas isn't perfect.
Maybe it could use some upgrades.
Yeah, might be time for a Chris-makeover.
Let's slide.
"And with that, Santa whispers..."
So, instead of red bows,
how about laser shows?
You mean like this?
Instead of peppermint...
[Harold] Super-spicy-sour-salty-scorched-
banana-apple-berry-blast!
-Instead of ugly sweaters...
-[George] Cool Christmas capes!
-Instead of jolly old Saint Nick...
-[Harold] Jacked new Santa!
-Instead of tired, sad carols...
-[George] Holi-DJs!
-Instead of bland ham...
-Corn-dog-taco-pizza-chili-changa!
-Instead of boring, decorated trees...
-Titanic tree-bots!
We're gonna need more than a day
to fit all this in.
-So we make Christmas a whole week!
-Yes!
We should make a comic!
[Captain] Chapter Two: Captain Underpants
and the Christmas Chaos,
by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
[comic narrator]
A couple of months before Christmas,
Santa was testing new toys.
One was a robot named Roguey,
a war-bot who made lots of noise.
But Roguey the Robot went rogue.
Not surprising because of his name.
He took Santa hostage and warned,
"Pay the ransom
'cause this ain't no game."
The ransom was one jillion dollars
and a motorcycle that flies
and shoots flame.
"Pay or Christmas is cancelled,"
he warned,
"'cause, again, this ain't no game."
The world didn't have that much dough,
so they did the only thing they could do.
They called for the hero in undies,
and in Captain Underpants flew.
When Captain Underpants
heard about Santa,
he said, "Oh, no! That's really bad!
But don't worry, folks. I love Christmas.
It's my favorite time to wear plaid."
Captain Underpants' mission was clear:
save Santa and Christmas, too.
'Cause if he failed, no holiday party,
not even 'O Howly Night at the zoo!
Captain Underpants flew to the North Pole.
A weird snowdrift made him look twice,
so he dug and he dug
and he dug and he dug,
and he found a jail in the ice!
Here's the thing about prison--
it can change a man, and that's a fact.
So when Captain Underpants found Santa,
he was no longer jolly.
He was jacked!
Robots charged in from all sides.
The heroes were caught in a trap.
Roguey was all, "Game's over, you fools!"
"But you said this ain't no game,"
said Cap.
Captain thought they were goners,
but new jacked Santa stepped in.
They fought side by side like Pro-Bowlers,
and they smashed all the bots for the win.
To celebrate, jacked Santa declared that
"Christmas would have a new name."
From that day on, it would be Blissmas
and be a whole new ball game,
with lasers, explosion, and fun,
and steaks, and dance music, and parades,
and jalapeno poppers, and ape racing,
and monster trucks, and horse climbing,
and French toast,
and a party that lasts a week,
and a dinosaur made out of fire,
for some reason,
and, oh, yeah, this was supposed to rhyme.
Okay, the end.
"...presents under the tree,
then helps himself to a cookie or three.
They fought side by side like Pro-Bowlers
and they smashed all the bots
for the win."
Hey, that's not right.
-No, it's better than right.
-Because we made it awesome.
To you.
-But Christmas isn't-- Ya!
-[cat growling]
-My chair is so-- Just can't get it to...
-[cat growling]
[shouting]
Okay, I need a new chair!
Oh, wait, there's the button.
-[cat hisses]
-Ah!
But Christmas isn't about you,
it's about everyone.
Instead of thinking about ourselves,
we think about others.
Mom? Were you here the whole time?
-Mom? What are you doing here?
-Giving.
That's the spirit
of every Christmas tradition.
-[music plays]
-Singing for other people,
baking cookies for other people,
giving presents to other people,
even this poem.
It's about how Santa
puts everyone before himself.
That's his thing.
[narrator] It's also
this Christmas special's thing.
Thanks, George and Harold's parents.
Where's that music coming from?
Sorry, I was watching
Lee Dingman's Christmas movie,
Christmas Lee's Christmas Tree,
on my phone.
♪ Christmas Lee's Christmas tree ♪
♪ A place for joy, not punching ♪
♪ Unless there's a ninja attack ♪
G'ah! Ninja attack!
[Christmas rock music plays]
-[ninjas] Merry Christmas!
-Oh, you got me,
you crazy Christmas ninjas!
That's what we're talking about.
Even Lee Dingman is boring at Christmas.
But if Christmas was more like our comic,
it would be better.
Better for you.
Exactly! And better for us
is better for everyone.
All is know is Christmas ain't broke,
so don't fix it.
[Harold's mom] Oh, no! Eternal darkness.
[George's mom] Lock the doors,
board the windows!
Candles were a tradition until someone
started a better tradition: lights.
Yeah, so was black and white TV
until they invented color.
And every Christmas tradition
started somewhere.
Stockings, uh, Cyber Monday,
even Santa Claus.
Man, I'd love to see
how Santa got started.
-Too bad that's impossible.
-[narrator] Nothing's impossible on TV.
Welcome to Toys of London,
the world's biggest toy store
300 years ago.
Toys of London is the top toy titan.
You have all the toys--
dolls, marbles, rattles...
and that's it.
I propose you stop selling toys
and start giving them away!
But that's not all.
We're going to wrap the toys
and put them under a tree
inside your house!
And we're gonna call it--
wait for it...
Christmas!
-Why?
-Exactly!
-Now, who's with me?
-Mr. Claus--
Oh, call me Santa.
Mr. Claus was my father. [laughs]
Very well, Santa.
If we give our toys away,
how will we make any money?
You won't!
So, we got a deal?
-[thuds]
-Whoa!
Ow!
Why are there teacups here?
Oh, right... [sputters] it's England.
[narrator] Chapter Three:
That's Show Fizz.
[whimpering, groaning]
Oh! [groaning]
Not again.
Coast is clear. It's copy time.
Once we put a copy of our comic
in the hands of every person in Piqua,
-Blissmas will be a go.
-[Anthrope] Help.
Was that Ms. Anthrope calling for help?
Nah, that was the copier.
-[Anthrope] Help.
-Hope it doesn't break.
-Me, too. Can I help?
-Yeah, grab some more paper.
-Ooh, and toner.
-Sure thing.
But first, why don't you get
in my office right now?
[Anthrope] Help.
Was that Ms. Anthrope calling for help?
-No, that was the copier.
-[Anthrope] Hel--
Misallocation of school copying resources?
[laughs] Ooh, that's a serious offense.
What to do?
You could give us your keys.
[Krupp] Ah! Let me in! It's my house!
And I have to go number two!
You could nominate us for membership
in your Yak Lodge.
Let me in, let me in! I'm a Yak!
[braying]
You could take us on a Christmas cruise.
-[boat horn blares]
-Let me in! I paid for this cruise!
Boys, Christmas
is my favorite time of year.
Three weeks of paid time off
with nothing but a roaring fire
and a freezer full of steaks
I got dirt cheap at the Beef Thief.
[Beef Thief] Steaks, roasts, burgers.
If it's beef, we got it.
And at prices so low,
you'll swear it was stolen.
'Cause it was.
-[police siren wails]
-Uh... gotta go!
But there's one thing
about Christmas I can't stand.
-Christmas fudge flab?
-[screams]
-Christmas credit card debt?
-[screams]
No! The school Christmas pageant.
Isn't Ms. Hurd in charge?
She was, but apparently
Ms. Hurd passed away last year.
-So who directed it last year?
-Her ghost.
But now her ghost is retiring.
[ethereal music plays]
The good news is I can finally shut down
the music program.
The bad news is
none of the other teachers will step up.
You have to direct the pageant!
You're a gym teacher!
You know about theater!
-Yeah-yeah-yeah, no-no-no-no.
-Is that a yes or a no?
-You're sending mixed signals!
-Ah!
-Christmas pageant!
-[screaming]
If I don't find someone to direct
the pageant, I'll have to do it.
And I'd rather be eaten by sharks
than spend more time with you kids.
-But you're a school principal.
-Ugh, don't remind me.
-But the good news is--
-You already said.
There's more good news!
And the good news is I've found someone!
[Dressy] ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
-[bells jingling]
-♪ Jingle all the way-hey ♪
I can't believe Krupp is making us direct
the Christmas pageant.
-Worst punishment ever.
-Yep, this pageant is stale.
Hasn't changed since the dinosaurs did it.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle-- ♪
-[roars]
-[kids scream]
You're right, and that's why
we should totally upgrade it.
Hey, guys, we all love Christmas,
but what if we made it cooler?
'Cause that's what we're gonna do.
We're turning "Christmas" into "Blissmas,"
starting with the pageant.
We've been asleep at the Christmas wheel,
and it's time to hit the Blissmas gas!
-[kids] Yay!
-[Bo farts]
Sorry. Meatloaf Monday.
Don't be sorry, 'cause Blissmas
doesn't apologize for anything.
[kids] Yay!
-Can I lose these sleigh bells?
-Only if you want to.
[kids] Yay!
Wait, I like sleigh bells.
I love this.
It's new, it's bold, it's uncompromising.
But our parents won't be on board.
All things change,
and Christmas is a thing.
You gotta break some eggs to make egg nog.
Egg-xactly, and I know
a thing or two about nog.
George and Harold's pageant
is going to be legendary.
-Really?
-Yes.
A legendary train wreck!
[laughing]
I'll have a front row seat
to enjoy every moment of it
with a room temperature mug of ham nog.
Ah...
Ah...
[gulps, gasps]
Okay, let's wreck this pageant
from the top.
-Why does it smell like the pier?
-[Melvin] Ham nog!
[narrator] Meanwhile, 300 years ago,
Christmas was still a hard sell.
Because if The Eiffel Toyer
gives its toys away,
it will inspire people to think about
others before themselves.
-[thuds]
-Oh! Oof!
Croissants.
And if people think about others
before themselves,
thanks to Toysland Uber Alles,
they'll be happy.
-[thuds]
-[yelps] Oof!
Ah, bratwurst!
And if everyone is happy,
the world will be a better place,
courtesy of Neutrali-Toys.
-[thuds]
-Ow! Oh!
Oh, cheese!
"Big school Christmas pageant tonight.
No shoes, no shirt, no Santa show!
-Break a leg, kids."
-[both laugh]
[Harold] "Tonight is Blissmas
and Santa is going to town."
[both laughing]
Nice! Now, let's get naughty.
[narrator] Chapter Four:
Swing and a Christmas.
Oh, hello, parents of some students.
And you, too, other parents
of some other students.
[laughs] I did it.
I made George and Harold
direct the Christmas pageant,
and I didn't even check on them.
I'm a Christmas genius!
Aren't you worried that George and Harold
changed the pageant?
No!
-Wait, what?
-[all gasp]
-Oh, no.
-It's Christmas Eve.
The War on Christmas
has raged for centuries.
But this year, 2127,
is the year a hero rises from the tinsel
-and Christmas becomes Blissmas.
-[all gasp]
Because Santa's coming to town
to kick some bot butt.
Thanks, Dasher.
You, too, Dancer and Prancer.
Love the new look, Santa.
You're, like, super jacked now.
Stay frosty, Christmas commandos.
That explosion woke up the metal heads.
We're gonna have to blast our way out.
Good. Let's wreck the halls!
-[metal music plays]
-[all gasp]
Ah! The metal heads have force fields!
-Our lasers can't break through!
-No, but the mistletoe missile will.
-[gasps]
-[explosion]
Ho-ho-hope you have insurance!
[all murmuring]
-Santa should be here by now.
-But he's not.
It's the end of Christmas.
♪ Ho-ho-hopeless! ♪
Right, because it's the beginning
of Blissmas!
And this night ain't silent anymore,
so make some noise
and have a Mega Blissmas!
[dance music blaring]
[all gasp]
Corndog-taco-pizza-chilichangas
for everyone!
Ow!
-[roars]
-Oh...
and there's a dinosaur made of fire,
for some reason.
-[crunching]
-That's crunchy.
And hot! Oh! [panting]
-Mega Blissmas, everyone!
-[dance music continues]
[parents grumbling]
-[grumbling continues]
-Uh, um... ahem.
M-Merry Christmas?
Man, the crowd was so blown away,
they couldn't even clap.
Or cheer, or talk, or even move.
We did it! We made Blissmas a thing!
It was awesome!
To us.
To the audience, not so much.
My parents hated it.
My mom started crying.
♪ Tears of sorrow! ♪
Oh, my family stopped sweating.
That's never happened before.
My mother called her lawyar.
My Dad said we're moving.
What are you talking about? We killed it!
We sure did.
We killed Christmas.
[panting]
-[parents grumbling]
-[panting] Oh! Oh!
[speaking gibberish] Why-- Huh? Why?
-Why what?
-Yeah. Can you be more specific?
[grunts] Aah!
Why did you change the pageant?
Everybody loved that old sap-fest!
And you ruined it!
Now the parents are furious
and they're taking it out on me!
So I'm going to take it out on you.
Get ready for some ho-ho-hard labor.
[grunting, shouting]
[groaning, thuds]
[sighs] Honey, we're not mad,
we're disappointed.
I'm both and confused.
Why was there a dinosaur?
And why do I have to sit in the middle?
What's so bad about Blissmas?
Blissmas is for you.
Christmas is for everyone.
-And everyone loved that pageant...
-[soft piano music plays]
...until tonight.
Too bad more people didn't love ham nog.
Now, that made for a hammy holiday.
-Getting rid of it was a Christmas crime.
-[piano music stops]
Maybe the real crime
was not giving Blissmas a chance.
-[music resumes]
-Boys, I want you to read this.
"'Tis the Eve 'Fore the Day
'Twas Christmas."
-We read it.
-But you don't get it.
Christmas was about putting others
before yourself right from the start,
and that will never change.
I'm calling Smickleflaps.
I want a ham nog reboot.
[announcer] Mm, ham nog!
Ugh, this pageant punishment
sure is pungent.
More like putrid.
Maybe our parents are right.
Maybe Christmas will never change.
Unless we use Melvin's Timetoad
to go back in time
and change Christmas before it starts.
Yes! Exactly what I was thinking.
-I'm sure that's what they meant.
-[narrator] That is not what they meant.
Don't touch that last toilet!
-Why?
-I'm defrosting ribeyes in there.
-[flies buzz]
-[cow moos]
-Why?
-Well, the Beef Thief says
to defrost meat in a toilet,
and mine are full of T-bones and tri-tip!
You know, Christmas past
might be dangerous.
Yeah, so let's bring a holiday heavy
to watch our backs.
[fingers snap]
♪ Tra-la-lavatory! ♪
I've done that one before,
but it never gets old.
Ooh, are these toilet steaks spoken for?
[munching]
-So, when was the first Christmas?
-I don't know.
Let's ask Santa.
-We're gonna meet Santa?
-[toilet flushes]
Santa!
Oof!
And to close out the Ds,
I want a doctor dog.
That's a dog that's licensed
to practice medicine.
[barking]
You don't know when all this started?
Didn't they teach you that
in mall Santa training?
Ho-ho-ho! Look, kid, I'm just an actor
trying to make a buck.
-I graduated from Juilliard.
-Ooh!
I was the lead on The Zoovestigator
for three seasons.
-[gibbers]
-It's not like those monkeys
could have opened
this unlocked door and walked out.
Oh, wait.
Yes, they could have.
♪ Zoovestigator! ♪
-That show was underrated.
-[elf] Psst!
Youse twos want the Santa skinny?
Follows me.
...an elderly llama,
an eel tank filled with eel--
[narrator] Chapter Five: Elf Help.
[Harold grunts] Ow.
Why is this igloo so small?
Because it ain't a real igloo,
so shut your yaps and listen up.
Name's Yule, Yule Tide.
I'm one of Santa's little helpers,
real Santa.
-Wait, you're a real elf?
-That's right, chief.
Don't get your stockings in a knot.
So, whys is you kids asking
so many questions about Santa, huh?
Because we want to bring Christmas
into the 21st century.
Oh, yeah?
How's youse gonna dos that?
Use a time machine to go back
to the first Christmas Eve
and have a chat with Santa.
Time machine, eh? All right, I'll bite.
Seventeen-twenty, North Pole,
that's when Santa became Santa.
You goes there, maybe you can
give Christmas a needed kick in the pants.
Thanks. I guess
you're our little helper, too.
-Oh! Is that an elf crack?
-No! He just meant that--
Ha!
[laughing] I'm just busting your chops.
We're on the same team.
Look at me, 300 years of pointy hats
and pointy shoes is enough.
I'm an elf, not a clown.
Why can't I wear something nice?
So, you want us to tell Santa
that elves need new clothes?
Whoa! I didn't say that, youse did.
All right, we're done here. Beat it.
And take your man-baby with youse.
He's gumming up the works.
And a giraffe-man. That's the Gs.
You need a break
or should we push through to the Zs?
[wood creaking]
-[Captain yelps]
-[crashes]
[Captain] Huh, chair.
Add that to the "chuhs."
"Dear Mr. Claus,
I'll forgo the pleasantries
and get straight to my Christmas demands,
in order of priority.
One: bring back
Smickleflap's Ham Nog, obviously.
Two: facial hair, preferably a mustache,
but a soul patch will suffice.
Three: absolute power.
Four: the--"
-[boys] Merry Christmas!
-Aah!
[sighs] I should have replaced Mother
with a guard dog.
And Christmas is next week,
you cracked ornaments.
But we wanted to give you an early gift.
Let me guess.
Is it a spring-loaded boxing glove?
[grunts]
Or a set of propeller bow ties?
Aah!
Or is it a rabid badger?
-[chittering, screeching]
-Aah! [screaming]
-You have to open it to find out.
-Very well, then.
Behold, the Anti-de-present 2000,
built for precisely this occasion.
-[thuds]
-What was that?
-Uh... indoornado.
-Wall moose.
[sighs] My fault for asking.
-Who's there?
-Springnado.
-Spring moose.
-Why do I bother?
-[Harold] Where's he going?
-[George] Bathroom?
-[toilet flushes]
-Hmm.
-Uh... toiletnado!
-Toilet moose!
[groans] I weep for the future.
[Melvin] Aha!
It's... It's...
It's beautiful!
We had Bo make it for you.
Yeah. Now you can could drink ham nog
out of your own head.
Oh... [weeping]
Uh, I'll be right back.
I think he's really touched.
Got it! And he'll never even know
I was here.
-Whoa! [shouting]
-[loud crashing]
Ooh! Ow! Oh!
Whoops, excuse me. Just--
Oh! Ah! [groaning]
In this mug is perfectly lukewarm ham nog.
I have never before shared it
with another living creature,
not even Mother.
No! But now... [chuckles]
the three of us will drink
from this mug together...
[crying]
forever cementing our bond
of everlasting friendship. [sobs]
That's awfully nice of you, Melvin,
uh, but we had a big lunch.
Yeah, no.
Drink!
[narrator] Chapter Six:
Here Comes Santa Clash,
in which they all travel back in time
to meet Santa.
Ugh! I am never gonna get
that ham nog taste out of my mouth.
Ugh! Nothing should be that chewy.
Ho-ho. Did you guys just eat tires?
Been there.
Ooh, good tires! Am I right?
So, this is the North Pole in 1720.
-There's nothing here.
-Nothing except that.
[Captain] Whoa-ho!
A giant gingerbread house!
Maybe that's where
those cute little elves live.
[elves shouting]
Their hammers aren't cute!
Intruders! Attack!
[shouting]
Oh, no! They're attack elves!
Cover your knees!
Wha! Oof!
-Whoa!
-Hyah!
-Aah!
-Yah!
[Captain shouting]
These elves are meaner than the elves
in my favorite fantasy role-playing game,
Wizards and Wallets.
Ha-ho! I got an 87!
Here's my wallet!
[grunts]
See you next week.
I'll bring chips and dip
and another wallet.
-[elves shouting]
-[grunting]
There's so many.
There's an Elvis of them!
-That's what you call a bunch of elves.
-[narrator] No, it isn't.
Yeah, but they're short,
so when they go low, we go high!
Right, Captain Underpants?
Good thinking. I'll find an escalator.
No! You can fly!
Oh, yeah!
I always forget that when it matters.
Aah! [groans]
[George] Whoa!
Flying with friends is fun.
We should do this more often.
-Yeah, but not here!
-Incoming antlers!
-[grunts]
-[boys shout]
-Huh? [grunts]
-[boys shout]
-[Captain grunting]
-[boys screaming]
[groans] I don't like
these reindeer games.
[gasps]
[grunts]
-[elves shouting]
-[blows landing]
[George and Captain groaning]
-[Santa] Ho-ho-hold the phone!
-[shouting stops]
Get off before we get sued!
[boys] Santa!
Uh, sorry, we don't get many guests.
Or any guests at all. [chuckles]
Come on in!
Just made a fresh batch of cookies.
[both gasp]
Wait, why aren't you wearing any clothes?
-It's 20 below zero.
-My motor runs hot.
So you always wanted
to give toys to everyone?
My first childhood toy was a stick.
It made me so happy.
But giving it to my neighbor Maurice
made me realize true happiness
is putting others before yourself.
I went around the world
looking for someone else
who wanted to put others
before themselves like me,
but everyone said no.
That's when I realized
I'd have to make it happen on my own.
So I emptied my bank account and moved
to the North Pole to make a fresh start.
♪ Fresh start! ♪
[Santa] But it was a lot colder
than I expected.
Luckily, that's when I met the elves.
And they loved my presentation,
so they helped me build this cottage
and a workshop for toys.
And now we're a lean, mean,
toy-making machine.
[chuckles] Well, maybe not so lean
'cause of all the cookies,
but that's all there is to eat here.
You know, it's the Arctic.
[boys] Yeah!
-[Harold] Whoa!
-[gift honks, rattles]
[George] Santa's workshop!
This is the sleigh,
and you've met the reindeer.
Now, once we're loaded up,
I'm going to fly around the world,
giving trees and presents to everyone.
And tomorrow, December 25th,
the world will be a better place,
full of lights and bows and festive songs
and colorful sweaters
and, most importantly,
the joy of putting others before yourself,
all thanks to Christmas.
Heh, that's what I'm calling it.
I'm kind of hoping people do
the tree part themselves next year
'cause this sap is really sticky.
Anyways, that's the plan.
What do you think?
-It's a good plan, really.
-But what if you think bigger?
Instead of red bows, laser shows!
Instead of ugly sweaters, cool capes!
Instead of decorating trees,
creating tree-bots!
Maybe this will inspire you.
Oh, pictures!
-Ooh, got any more of those cookies?
-Tons.
[chuckles] It's a problem.
But my New Year's resolution
is to hit the gym,
soon as it gets invented,
'cause it is the 1700s.
Yeah, all right, "A couple of months
before Christmas,
Santa was testing new toys..."
-"Okay, the end."
-And that's not all.
You're giving presents to everyone, right?
-Well, what about Santa?
-Maybe Santa gets a present.
Uh, maybe it's a boat.
Whoa, I've always wanted a boat.
Well, this changes everything!
Elves, I'm calling an audible!
Boys, you just booked permanent spots
on my "nice" list,
which is another thing I'm starting.
Ugh! I got a tummy ache.
Maybe that's because you ate
every single cookie we had!
G'oh! Sap!
He's on board.
Let's head home and see if it sticks.
And let's skip ahead to Christmas Eve
in the present.
Good call, 'cause there's no waiting
in Blissmas.
[narrator] Chapter Seven: So Did It Work?
[croaks]
[chitters]
Huh, I thought things would change,
but everything looks the same.
Guess it didn't work after all.
[man over PA] Celebratory tree ignition
in three, two, one.
-[both gasp]
-[festive music plays]
-Hit the dirt!
-[fireworks whistling]
[grunting]
I'm hitting it as hard as I can!
[grunting]
But it's not working! Make it stop!
You make it stop! You have powers!
Oh, yeah. Why can't I remember that?
Okay, tree, it's time for you
to make like a you and leaf.
Or at least stop burning.
[Captain wails]
[Krupp groans]
[siren wails]
[Krupp groaning]
Why am I wet? Where are my pants?
And why am I an ornament now?
[crying]
[Krupp screaming]
Whoa, auto tree refill. A treefill!
-[siren wails]
-[chuckles] So good.
Kid, get out of the blast zone!
And Mega Blissmas!
Mega Blissmas? Does that mean--
It worked! Blissmas is a thing!
♪ Got a burning tree
That's a rocket, too ♪
♪ Got a DJ dropping beats
That'll make you scream "whoo" ♪
♪ Got a glowing half-pipe
For catching holiday air ♪
♪ And there's lasers, lasers, lasers
Lasers, lasers everywhere ♪
-♪ We're wearing capes ♪
-♪ And racing apes ♪
♪ This is everything we've ever wanted
In a holiday ♪
-♪ No more carols to sing ♪
-♪ No more sleigh bells to ring ♪
-♪ We're dancing on a hovercraft ♪
-♪ 'Cause Blissmas is a thing ♪
-♪ Grab a rope and swing ♪
-♪ Eat and drink like a king ♪
♪ We all just hit the jackpot
'Cause Blissmas is a thing! ♪
[fireworks whistling, popping]
[Harold] Now, that was a Christmas song.
-Because it was a Blissmas song.
-Yep.
I can't believe Santa got us
everything we wanted for Blissmas,
including a chili geyser!
Blissmas is the longest week of the year.
A whole week of this awesomeness?
Including a whole week of presents!
It just keeps getting better and better!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-- Ow!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-- Oh!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-- [grunting]
I can't wait for, yeah-yeah-yeah,
Blissmas to be,
yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, over!
-Ow!
-Not better for everyone, I guess.
Yeah. Mr. Meaner always loved Christmas.
Merry yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah Christmas!
Look what I got at Rent-A-Reindeer!
Ho, ho, ho!
Who's got yeah-yeah-yeah mistletoe?
[all screaming]
[reindeer growls]
Our parents aren't so wild
about Blissmas either.
Yeah, but they're adults.
Adults are never happy.
[Santa] Ho, ho, ho! Mega Blissmas!
People of Piqua,
this is your Santa speaking!
Time to get your butts to the Piquarena
for tonight's Mega Mechalition Derby!
Mechalition Derby?
No idea what it is
and it's my new favorite thing.
[Christmas dance music blaring]
Hey, guys! You ready
for some Mechalition derby?
We're not asking because we just got here
and we have no idea what it is.
Giant robots smashing
into each other again? Eh.
"Eh"?
But Blissmas is so awesome.
At first, but then it's just loud,
pointless, and obnoxious.
Like Other Sophie. Sophie burn!
Wait, I thought everyone loved Blissmas.
-What about the lasers?
-Seen it.
-And the music?
-♪ Heard it! ♪
-The Ho-Ho-Ho-ller Coaster?
-Been thar.
-Virtual Blissmas?
-Done that.
-[roars]
-Aw, the Blissmas bobcat bit me again.
You guys are crazy.
Blissmas is awesome!
Yeah. You could be decorating a tree
instead of launching it.
That actually sounds nice.
Okay, but would you rather have
boring plates of cookies
or exciting cookie drones?
[chirping, beeping]
Boring plates! Boring plates!
Aah!
I'd like to eat one thing, baked,
like a ham,
instead of a bunch of stuff ichanga'd.
Singing is easier
when you're not winded from dodging.
♪ Dodging! ♪
♪ Fa la-- ♪ Uh!
♪ La la-la-- ♪ Uh!
♪ La-la la ♪
[grunts, panting] ♪ Need oxygen ♪
Wow, it'd be nice
if everyone spent this holiday
putting others before themselves,
especially Santa.
What do you mean?
Santa always thinks about other people.
That's why he gives presents to everyone.
Wrong! Santa doesn't give
presents to anyone.
He gets presents.
-[both] Whaaat?
-[fireworks whistling]
Whoa, wait, wait.
Where are your presents for Santa?
We don't have any.
-[kids gasp] Ooh!
-Oh!
You don't have presents for Santa?
[elf] Where's your present for Santa?
I forgot it.
[elf] Maybe this will help you remember.
-[roars]
-[screams]
Remember Santa's present,
remember Santa's present...
George, this present thing is bad.
Is Blissmas a missmas?
Nah. Nothing we can't fixmas.
Don't worry, guys. We're tight with Santa.
We'll wrap this gift rift.
Gift ri-- hmm.
Gift rift. That's hard to say.
Oh, hey, it's Yule.
-And you got the suit you wanted.
-Do I know youse?
Oh, that's right!
You haven't met us yet 'cause time travel.
Anyway, Merry Blissmas!
Merry? You mean "Mega" Blissmas.
And where are your presents for Santa?
-We don't have any.
-[gasps] Ooh!
Why does everyone keep doing that?
Tell Jingle Boss I got a couple
of gift-less Garys coming his way.
[narrator] Chapter Eight: Santa Flaws.
-[elevator beeping]
-[Muzak playing]
[elevator bell dings]
[Christmas dance music plays]
[polar bear roars]
This is way better than a Christmas party.
It's like a North Pole night club.
[announcer] The North Pole's
hottest dance club.
It's so exclusive, no one gets in,
because it's a glacier.
Exactly. Blissmas is amazing.
All we gotta do is fix this gift goof
with the big guy and we're golden.
Yeah, if we fix the GG
with the big G, we're G.
I found the big G.
Ho! Yeez, ho!
-[Santa grunts]
-Emphasis on "big."
[grunts]
Georgetown! H-Bomb!
You remember us?
Of course. I'm Santa!
-Jacked Santa!
-Yep.
I put down the cookies
and picked up the weights.
Oh, you guys want
a Blissmas protein shake?
I got Ultra Fudgealanche
and Big-Time Bacon-Berry Blitz!
-We love what you've done with Blissmas.
-Isn't it great?
It's got everything-- lasers, capes,
rides, lasers, music, spicy food,
robots, lasers, and lasers!
What am I saying?
You guys know all that
'cause it was your idea!
We just have one small question.
Why are you getting gifts
instead of giving them?
Oh. Well, giving was a Christmas thing!
Christmas was for everyone.
But this is Blissmas, baby,
and Blissmas is all about me!
That's not in our comic.
Hey, you were the spark, I'm the fire!
Yeah, but maybe this fire's
out of control.
That's what makes it Blissmas, baby.
And don't worry about getting me a gift.
Youse two get a pass on presents.
You're VIPs!
After all, without you,
there's no Blissmas!
Right, but what if,
and I'm just spitballing here,
you tried giving presents
instead of getting them?
Yeah, and then Blissmas would be perfect.
Whoa.
I gotta think-squat-thrust about that one.
Ho! [grunts] Ho! [grunts]
Ho! [straining]
Yeah, okay, I'm good.
Good-good-good brain burn, there.
Here's the deal.
The spirit of Blissmas
is "go big or go home," am I right?
-It is?
-Yep! And I never go home.
Well, I go home after Blissmas.
But I'm here now, so you're on!
-Really?
-Sure!
All you have to do is win
the Blissmas Mechalition Derby!
-Say what, now?
-Win the Blissmas Mechalition Derby!
-Say what, now?
-Mechalition is the big kahuna
of Blissmas traditions.
If you guys defeat all the robots,
I'll do whatever you say!
And if we lose?
You join my elf team.
After all, if it's not high-stakes,
it's not Blissmas.
Uh, yeah. We so know robo.
Right, we're so robo-gung-ho.
[narrator] Uh-oh. No, no.
Like you two single cells
could ever defeat my robots.
Melvin? You work for Santa?
I don't work for anyone, entry levels.
I'm a robo-consultant.
So, no dental plan?
I'm in it for the nog.
Mm, gummy! [snaps fingers]
I built robots and Santa gave me
all the remaining ham nog on Earth.
Mm, oystery!
I don't know why he likes it.
It tastes like fish fire!
That's because those vile protein shakes
destroyed your taste buds,
you hulking cry for help.
[screams]
I can't believe ham nog
is a thing in this timeline, too.
Yeah. Maybe we should give it
another shot.
[both gagging]
-It's even worse than I remember. [gags]
-[coughing] So gluey.
Aw, come on.
We haven't even started yet.
Sorry, buddy. I'll get some tape.
This is a lot more dangerous
than I thought.
-And we so don't know robo.
-Nope. We're robo no go.
But who needs bots when you've got briefs?
[Krupp laughs, munching]
I told you, Steak or Break,
you'll never break me.
I just wish I had more stomachs
and more steak.
Krupp's here? Man, talk about luck.
-Or lazy writing.
-[fingers snap]
[grunts]
♪ Tra-la-licious! ♪
But I got a steakache.
Better put a steak on it.
Captain Underpants, we need you
to win a robot demolition derby.
But I'm not a robot.
We can fix that with tin foil.
-Fixed.
-[laughs] I'll say!
I'm like a burrito now.
[narrator] Chapter Nine:
Season's Beatings.
[Santa] Mega Blissmas!
Are you Blissmas bandits
melting down for Mechalition?
[crowd cheering]
[engine revs]
Robots, take the battlefield!
[crowd cheering]
Okay, Cap, get out there
and show them who's ro-boss!
Will do.
But first, where's the ro-bathroom,
'cause I gotta ro-go.
Not now. You gotta win
so Santa gives everyone presents again.
And then everybody will love Blissmas
as much as we do.
[narrator] In case you forgot
why they were doing this.
Okay, I'll try to ro-hold it,
but no promises.
Hey, how's it going?
You a robot here for the robot fight?
Yeah, me, too.
You can tell 'cause I'm shiny.
Mega Blissmas to all,
and to all a good fight!
[fireworks whistling]
[crowd gasps]
Ho-ho, I'm steaking you down! Nailed it!
Huh?
Hey, wait for me.
[Captain] No! My meat!
That was a big mis-steak.
Get it? 'Cause steak!
-[crowd cheers]
-Captain Underpants, you did it!
You saved Blissmas!
This calls for a steak dinner!
Ugh, I'm all steaked out,
but I left room for pie!
Ho-ho-hold on!
Santa? You look different.
Did you get a new head, face, and body?
I said you had to beat all the robots.
He did beat all the robots.
Not quite. Melvin!
Behold, my greatest Blissmas robot.
-Mechthehalls 2000!
-[crowd cheering]
Heh, I forgot to mention,
I always win Mechalition
because Blissmas is all about me!
Yeah, he's definitely gonna win.
[narrator] Chapter Ten: The Incredibly
Graphic Violence Chapter
presented in Deco-Rama, because
when it comes to robot Christmas trees,
if you can't beat 'em, decorate 'em.
No cane, no gain.
Get it? 'Cause-- [grunts]
Watch out for these Santa claws.
Meow-- [grunts]
And a jar on top.
Wait, is it a jar or star?
I can't ever remembe-- [grunts]
[grunts]
[sputtering]
Yep, I'm getting my ham baked.
But the good news is my mouth tastes
like a clean bathroom.
-[Captain shouting]
-He's getting his jingle bells rung.
-[grunting]
-Of course.
What part of greatest Blissmas robot
was unclear?
Mm, briny.
Remember what that ham nog did
to Melvin's robot chair?
-Yeah, it totally jacked it.
-Right!
So maybe the nog will wreck the walls
for Mechthehalls.
Yeah, but Melvin loves
that ashy, stretchy goop
more than anything in the world.
Small price to pay to save Blissmas.
[growls] Captain Underpants,
you need to nog that tree!
Okay! Beats losing.
[gasps]
[pig squealing]
Nog!
Five-second rule!
We did it! We beat all the robots!
So Santa will start giving presents
instead of getting them.
-[narrator] Just in case you forgot.
-[gasps]
[whimpers]
[Santa] Ho-ho-no, I won't!
I'm not Santa Claus.
I'm Mechanaclaus!
[shouting]
[charging]
♪ Tra-la-la-la-look out! ♪
[both] Whoa!
-[Harold] Aah!
-[George sighs] It's okay.
We can still save Blissmas.
George, I see the light!
That's a 5,000-watt
LED stadium floodlight.
Kind of hard to miss.
No, I mean this poem.
I finally get it.
We shouldn't be trying to save
Blissmas for ourselves.
We should be trying to save Christmas
for everyone else.
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
Oh! Now I get it.
Yeah, and we broke Christmas.
-So now we gotta fix it.
-By making sure everyone gets it.
Even Santa.
[Captain] Whoa!
[Santa grunts]
[Captain grunting]
[Santa] Here comes a ho-ho-TKO!
Right, because you're Santa
and you're gonna punch me
until I'm unconscious.
Ooh, my nose is glowing.
It's like a night-light for my head.
[switch clanks]
"'Tis the eve 'fore the day
'twas Christmas.
The village is brimming with cheer."
[Santa] There is no Christmas cheer,
only Blissmas fear!
"The blacksmith is smithing,
the seamstress is seaming,
for soon old Saint Nick will be here."
No. No, he won't.
I'm-I'm here! I'm Mechanaclaus!
Hey, are you supposed to be
glowing like that?
"Eight flying reindeer
a-pulling his sleigh."
"Full of gifts to deliver all in one day."
"He slips down the chimney
with nary a peep."
"Then glides through the house
as the children still sleep."
"He places the presents undar the tree."
"Then helps himself to a cookie or three."
♪ Three! ♪
"And with that, Santa whispers,
winking his eye,
'Merry Christmas to everyone,'
and returns to the sky."
[narrator] And that was when Mechanaclaus
remembered it was his job
to bring Christmas, not Blissmas,
to everyone.
And a most wonderful thing happened.
Mechanaclaus became
the Santa Claus he was meant to be.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[all gasping]
Christmas is back, baby!
And I have something for everyone.
Elves, fire the giftzookas.
[George] Giftzookas?
I guess a little Blissmas can't hurt.
[grunts] Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah,
Blissmas blunt force trauma.
[chuckles] Thank you, George and Harold,
for reminding me
what Christmas was meant to be.
I don't know what I was thinking
for the last 300 years.
Well, it's kind of our fault
'cause we went back in time
and gave you our comic.
The point is Christmas is back.
That's right. And what would you two
like for Christmas?
-A hovercraft?
-[Krupp screaming]
-Or maybe a treehouse upgrade?
-[Krupp screaming]
Anything. Name it, and it's yours.
Thanks for my giraffe guy, Santa!
-Come on, Jeffraffe.
-[crying, slurping]
[crying, whimpers]
[George] 'Tis the morn of the day
that is Christmas.
Blissmas is no longer a thing.
[Harold] For Christmas
was already perfect,
though Blissmas had lots of zing.
[George] And why is Christmas
so awesome?
For a reason both simple and true.
[Harold] 'Cause Christmas
is all about others
instead of being all about you.
-Uh...
-[pig squeals]
-[Melvin screams]
-Hammy holidays, Melvin.
And to all a good nog.
-You know, giving is better than getting.
-[Yule] So youse don't want your present?
Here you go, boys.
Compliments of the Jingle Boss.
"You're invited to the premiere
of The Last Blissmas, a true story
of how George Beard and Harold Hutchins
saved Christmas."
"A Santa Claus film starring Lee Dingman"?
George, Santa made a movie about us!
That's even better than a TV show!
No! Why won't this giraffe guy
leave me alone?
We never stopped believing
in you, Santa.
Even after you got jacked
and started dying your hair.
Thanks, boys.
Now let's go celebrate Christmas.
[roars]
But first, let's fight this dinosaur
made of fire, for some reason.
♪ Tra-la-la! ♪
[growls]
[laughs] I'm in a movie! [screaming]
You really can't beat Christmas.
Nope. You'd have to be nuts to even try.
Handsome, smart, and funny, too.
Whew! That line took forever!
So, when does the movie start?
[Captain] Aw!
[theme music playing]