Captain Ron (1992) - full transcript

Can I have a black coffee
with sugar, please?

See that glass up front?

Yeah, a window
popped out of the
12th floor this morning.

Can you believe that?
Any one of us could've
been under it when it fell.

Probably not the idiot
that installed it.

He's probably home
in bed right now sleeping.

One second you're walking
down State Street minding
your own business,

the next second, bam!
Shredded beef.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

I mean, we all have things
we want to do in this life.
I do, you do.

Before we get
a chance to do 'em,
some window falls on us.



Some truck flattens you
or you catch some disease.

Oh!

Not contagious.

Now, Marty here...
Oh, Carl, you know
Martin Harvey?

Sixteenth floor, new products?
Marty, Carl Preston.

Marty wants to
write a novel. I mean,
that's what he told me.

So, what are you gonna
write about, Marty?

Adventures in new
product development?

No, no,
I just said someday...

Well, my point exactly,
"someday."

Martin Harvey?
Sign on the line.

Someday I'll retire
to Wisconsin.

Someday we'll all have
more time for our kids.

Someday Marty
will do something
worth writing about.



Well, what if someday
never comes and this is
all there is, huh? Huh?

Oh, my floor.
Coming through.

Come on, folks,
let's go, step lively.
Come on, coming off.

Going down!

Junk!

How much junk
can one person carry?

I'm com... Oh, God!

Caroline,
I asked you to do...

Yes!

Oh.

Hi, Mrs. Holtzman,
how are you?

Oh!

Well, it's not gonna
happen at that price.
That's all there is to it.

Katherine,
I have a couple of pieces
of really big news.

Uh, yeah, well,
let's see here.

You've got 532 square feet.

Right. So there's
no way you're gonna
come in under $1,600.

Right, uh-huh.

Well, I do too,
but listen, I've just got
one word to say to you...

And that's...
Congoleum!

Right.

Uh-huh.

Well, no, no.
Clearly we both prefer tile.

I mean,
there's just no question.

You know what, Mrs. Holtzman,
I'm gonna call you
right back.

Is that all right?

Great. Because... No.
And don't sign anything
till you talk to me.

Great. Great.

Mmm-hmm.

Fine, great.
Okay, okay, soon. Bye.

Martin?

What is he doing home
so early?

I'm home!

Martin?

Mom?

Martin!
Mom!

Martin!
Mom!

What are you
doing up there?

Do you remember
my Uncle William?

The guy who ran off,
sailed off in 1962
and never came back?

Yeah.

Oh, no, don't tell me.
He's back?

Well, oh. Let me guess.
He's coming here
for a visit, right?

Honey, I can't.
I really can't.

This has just been
the worst possible week.

Don't worry,
he's not coming to visit.

Well, thank God.
He's dead.

Oh. Oh, God.

There I am
the last time I saw him.

Look at you.

Yeah, and he left us that.

What?
An old boat steering wheel?

No. It's not
just the helm.

It's everything the helm
is attached to.

You inherited an old boat.

Wow.
We're getting a boat?
Too cool!

Ben, remember our discussion
about eavesdropping?

Okay.
But we're getting a boat?

Uh, your father and I
have to talk about it.

All right,
we're getting a boat.

It's not just
an old boat.

He bought it from
the Clark Gable estate,
for God's sake!

Are you serious?
Absolutely. So I phoned
three boat brokers.

She's worth over
a quarter of
a million dollars.

Get out of here!

Honey, we can
really use that money!

Yeah.

We can get out from under
the second on the house

and pay off
the credit card debt.
Oh, this is great.

How quick can we sell it?

Well, there's, uh...
There's one little catch.

It's... It's on this island,
San Pomme de Terre.

Doesn't that
sound romantic?

That means potato.

No, it doesn't.

Now, it has to be
brought to Miami
if we want to sell it.

Yes, it does, honey.
It means Saint Potato.

Katherine,
it's not the point,
really, okay?

The point is,
we can sail it ourselves.

We don't know
anything about sailing!

We don't have to
because it's got an engine.

You know, we can put it
under power until
we get the hang of sailing.

Honey, I don't care
if it has an engine or not.

We don't know
how to drive a boat!

Yeah, well,
I figured that out.

You see, the Caribbean
is filled with boat captains.

So, what we do is
we hire a boat captain.

He takes the boat
to Miami with us,

teaching us how to sail
at the same time. See?

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Thirty, 45 days under sail.
An adventure!

Oh.

Mmm.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

What do you mean,
"Mmm-mmm"?

Well, what could I mean?

Mmm-mmm. No. Honey,
we can't do this right now.

I mean, we can't do it.

This is what we'll do.
We'll get a boat mover.

Mmm.

They've gotta
have them, right?
Yeah.

And we'll just
have the boat mover
bring it from there to us...

No, you're missing
the whole point.

It's about a spontaneous
moment here that
we just grab at.

We'll be spontaneous
when we have time, okay?

Can I speak to Jason, please?
This is Ben Harvey.

Oh, and it's
kind of important.

...we gotta pay taxes...
Of course,
we have to pay taxes.

And, I mean,
who knows how much
we're actually gonna net.

It's not about money.
I'm talking about
a lifetime experience.

Jason, guess what?
We're getting a boat, man!

- Got to go.
- I'll call you back.

Okay,
who was thoughtless enough

to put food
on the kitchen table?

Did you do this?

Do what, Mom?

All my modifications
are washed off.
Katherine...

It's a week's worth
of work. And it's gone.

Katherine, honest to God,
listen to yourself right now.

Dad...
You know?

Floor coverings and window
treatments have now become

the biggest thing
in your life.
Dad?

And I don't think we're
paying enough attention
to our children!

Dad!
Ben, would you please
stop interrupting?

We're trying to have
a family discussion here.

What about your job, huh?
What about my clients?

And let's talk about the fact
that we have children
that are in school!

Oh, we'll take 'em out
of the school.
Awesome!

Oh, come on!

Oh, you think we're
getting our educational
dollars' worth here?

What's two plus three?
Uh...

At least we're gonna
broaden their horizons.

Five!
Atta boy. You know...

Don't you try to
guilt trip me over this.

I'm not trying to
guilt trip you into anything.
That's totally...

Yes, you are. You are.
You always do this to me.

Look, it is
pathetic, Katherine.

We have an 11-year-old boy
and a 16-year-old daughter
who know nothing about life.

Give me a sec
to tell 'em, okay?

This is so cool!

What can I say
to make you
at least consider it?

I can't think of anything
that anyone could say

to make me want to
drop everything,

go to the other side
of the world

to a place that no one's
ever even heard of.

Oh, Mom, Dad, guess what?

I got engaged.

Yo, Mom, Dad.

What?

♪ Stir it up

♪ Little darling,
stir it up

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on
and stir it up

♪ Little darling ♪

Ah, yes. These are some
of your uncle's things,

removed for safekeeping.

We took the liberty
of burying him in a place
overlooking the water.

Oh, it's very nice
of you to do that.
Very nice.

We had to. We have no
refrigeration facilities,
and after six days...

We understand. That's fine.
Thank you. It's very nice.

Kate, take a look.

Oh, honey, is that it?

It looks like something out of
Adventures in Paradise.

Are you kidding?

Of course, that was
taken a few years ago.

But isn't she a classic?

Hey, Katherine, kids,
you gotta see this.

This is way better
than you would think.

It just needs a little work.
It's great.

Come on, Katherine, come on.

I'll be right back.

Come on! Let's go!

This sucks.

Katherine!
I'm coming.

Oh.

Whoa.

Clearly the wrong
shoe selection.

Well? Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think?
Honey...

I mean, just look at this.
You gotta see this.

My fault?
You're the one
that got engaged!

Well, you're the one
that went ballistic
over getting a boat.

A ski boat!

Don't push me!

Ben!
Oh, geez!

Mom, Ben fell
in the water.

Honey! Honey, we're coming.

You pushed me!

He pushed me first.

He knows he's not
supposed to touch me.

You did it intentionally!
Ben, swim to the side.

You're a little brat.
You know that?
I hate you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

Okay, stop it!
Don't let that water
get in your mouth.

It could give you
diphtheria or something.

Daddy's coming.
Here, Ben.

Oh...

Donaldson Yacht Brokers.

Uh-huh. All right.
Hold on. Hold on.

Uh, it's Mr. Harvey
and it's a bad connection.

Yes, Mr. Harvey.
How are you?

We just received the specs
on the boat from the lawyers
for the estate.

It seems it hasn't been
surveyed since, uh, 1967.
Have you seen it yet?

Yes, uh, yes, yes.
I'm actually looking
at it now.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm just wondering...

Yeah, could you hold on
one second, please?

Excuse me, I'm gonna be
a little bit here.

I could signal you
when I'm through.

Yeah, um, I was wondering
what it would be worth

in less than
perfect condition.

I see.

I'll tell you what.

You get it up here
and we'll take a look-see.

Not at all.
Bye-bye now.

- Patti.
Mmm-hmm.

We were gonna send
Chuck Petrie down
to skipper that Harvey boat.

Hmm.

I changed my mind.
Just find 'em somebody local.

A local?
In San Pomme de Terre?

Mmm. Yeah.

Okay.

This here
the Harvey boat?

Who wants to know?

Captain Ron.

Hey, are you
the captain?

Yeah. Ron Rico.

Call me Captain Ron, boss.
Everybody does.

Hi, Captain Ron.
Martin Harvey.

I'd like you to meet
my wife and kids.

Yeah. Hi, Mrs. Harvey.

You old dog.
I bet she keeps
your clock wound, huh?

No, that's my daughter,
Caroline.

Oh, hey, my mistake!

Now, hiya, babe.
Hi.

Uh, Caroline, honey,
maybe you should, you know,
put on some more clothes.

This is my wife,
Katherine.

Hey, what's happening, Kitty?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Whoa!
And my son, Ben.

Hey, say, swab.

Man, what happened
to your eye?

- Ben.
- Sweetie, that's rude.

Ah, that's all right.

Shark attack, swab.

A shark ate your eye?

Yeah, it happened when
I went down off
the coast of Australia.

Uh, your boat sank?
Wow.

No, no, no, not my boat.
My boss's boat.

Yeah, we hit this reef,
huge son of a bitch.
Ran the whole coast.

Wait.
The Great Barrier Reef?

You heard of it, huh?
Smart lady.

Well, let's check
this thing out,

see what kind of trouble
this tub's really in,
huh, boss?

Yeah, just go...
The engine is, uh...

Honey?
Yeah?

Honey, did we get
a resume on him?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
You know what I mean?

He's already gone to work.
You know, so...

Okay.
Ah, there's no problem.

I'm gonna just go down
and show him a few things.

Tools on our...

You know, I think
we should tell him

we don't know that much
about boats.

I wouldn't worry
about it, dear.

Well, it's a genuine
article, all right.

Fairchild Marine,
1,200 ponies.

Whoa.

It drips
a lot of oil, doesn't it?

Hey, all diesels do that.

All diesels
do that, honey.

Yeah, diesels love their oil
like a sailor loves his rum.

Yes, they do.

Why is that,
Captain Ron?

Ah, nobody knows.

Huh.

All right. Now, we're gonna
have to check the oil

and fill her up every morning
before we run up.

It's a greasy job,
but somebody's gotta do it.

Well, Ben,
that sounds like...

No, no,
it's too important, boss.
You better do it.

You handle taking out
the trash, swab.

Oh, man, that stinks.

Ben!

Hey, swab, come here.

Listen up.

The way it works shipboard is,
you do your job.

You do it good,
you get a better job.

Maybe you get promoted
from swab to mate.

All right, get on it.

Yeah, sort of an incentive
kind of a deal, huh?

Aw, that's good.

Yeah, incentives
are important.

Learned that in rehab.

God, it's ridiculous.

Let's see
what we got here.

Oh.

Well, you got
a little dry rot here, boss.

That's okay.
Every boat's got it.

Every boat's got it,
honey.

You're lucky.
Yours is above the waterline.

Well,
most of it anyway.

All right!
Let's kick the tires
and light the fires, huh?

Ah!

Hey!
Hey!

I really hate this.

Honey, are you okay?
Will that come off?

Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine.
A little turpentine'll
do the trick.

Dad, let's take it out.
See how fast it'll go.

No, not yet, Ben.
We gotta make sure
everything's shipshape.

Right, Captain?
Ah, you're right
about that, boss.

Ow!

You all right?
Yeah.

Besides, swab, I borrowed
my buddy's car...

Uh...

What car?
Did he come in a car?

I don't see one.

But he said
his friend's car.

You know, on second thought,
what the hell? We got to
get started sometime, right?

Clogged pores.
I'm gonna look like a pizza.

People think a good
complexion grows on trees.

Wait a minute.
We don't even know if
this thing is safe or not.

Eh, best way to find out
is get her out
on the ocean, Kitty.

If anything's gonna happen,
it's gonna happen out there.

But we don't have
any supplies.

Yeah, we'll pick 'em up
in St. Haag, boss,
about 30 miles.

I'm pretty sure we got
enough fuel to make it.
Push that forward.

All right!

Hey! Hey!

Where are you going?

Capitan Ron!

Where is my auto?

Stop!

What's next?

You stole my wife.

But you're not
stealing my car!

What is that?
I don't know.

Some local dispute
or something?

Hey, boss. Hey, hey,
come here, take ahold.

Are those gunshots?

Hey, Kitty, look at this.

Honey, look.

Keep your eyes out there.

You, uh... You look
kind of natural there.

Thank you.

Spend much time
on the water?

Yeah, some,
when I was a kid.

It shows.

All right. Well, just keep
her pointed due north.

Don't bump into anything.
I'm gonna get some shut-eye.

Uh... Captain Ron?

Should... Should...

Sweetie, be careful.
Yeah, yeah.

Honey, are you okay?

Just fine. Mmm-hmm.

You're comfortable
doing this?

Well, next stop, St. Haag.

About 35 miles,
I think,

due north.

Isn't this great?

Look at this.
Open ocean, uncharted islands.

Who knows what's waiting
for us out there?

Come here.

Log entry, day two.

The adventure begins!

What a thrill it is
to be leaving the turmoil
of civilization behind us.

Martin, you see that boat,
right? Honey!

I see it, honey.
I see it.

Captain Ron,
could you come up, please?

Don't worry.
Everything's fine.

Dad?

There's something wrong
with that Captain Ron guy.

What?

I think he's dead.

What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Ben, stop that.

Tough break, huh?

Guess we'll
have to go home now.

Katherine, is he okay?

Katherine?
I didn't do it!

I didn't do it!
I didn't do it, I swear!

What? What?

Where am I?

Oh, sorry, Kitty.

I do that when I sleep.
It keeps the light out.

What about
your other eye?

Glass, swab.

Too cool!
Yeah.

Won it in a crap game
a few years back.

How we doing
up on deck here?

Oh, this is...

I know, I know,
I don't want to
hear about it.

Well, hi. You okay?
Yeah.

Oh, good.
Eh, good job, boss.

Slow down.
There are boats
all over the place.

- Ah, don't worry.
- They'll get out of the way.

Learned that
driving the Saratoga.

The USS Saratoga?

Yeah, the old Sara.

Slow down.
Are you crazy?

All right,
get ready to kick those
fenders over, boss.

Yeah. Fenders?
What are fenders?

Those rubber bumper things
right up there.

- Hold on. Hold on!
- What's going on, Dad?

We need the rubber
bumper things.
What?

Hurry, just hang on
to something.

- We're coming in too fast.
- Just hold on to something.

Caroline,
get off my foot!

I'm not
on your foot!
Mom!

Hold on!

Did you see that?
That was cool.

All right, let's tie
her off and kick back
some cold ones, huh?

Hey.

I guess I'll go with
a margarita, huh?
Yeah.

Hey!

Honey, I got to confess.

I was
a little nervous about that.

I don't know why.
He obviously knows
what he's doing.

♪ Tell me where you been
last night, Caroline

♪ Tell me where you been
last night, Caroline

But I miss Chicago.

I mean,
they've got clubs there.
That's really cool.

I'm engaged.
Engaged?

But it's kind of informal.

Like, not a problem.

Oh, God, I got to go.

Um. I'll see
if I can make it.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

♪ Spend their moneys on rings
and everybody's a thief

What do you think
about Captain Ron?

I mean, uh,
I would be

certainly willing to find
someone else if you're
not comfortable with him.

I think it's
important that you're...

No, I think he's fine.
I think he's fine.

I mean, he seems to know
what he's doing.
He was in the Navy.

Yeah, yeah.
All right.

What about the
eye thing though?

Oh, honey.

I would never fire
anybody because they
were physically challenged.

No.
Frankly, I admire him.

I mean, really,
when you think about
the way he parked that boat,

it was unbelievable.

I mean,
especially for somebody

with no depth perception
as we know it.

Oh, yeah, you know,
he's... He's good.

♪ Take your bundle
and go, Caroline

♪ I said, take your bundle
and go, Caroline

♪ Because I spend me moneys
on rings

Where is she?
She said she'd meet us
out front.

What time is it?
Would you just trust her?

Hi!
Hi. How was it?

Oh, it was very cool.
I got rain forests and shells.

Let's see.

See, I told you.
Did I not tell you?
I know, it was fun.

Hello!

Hi!

Hi.

Now, you see?
That's very friendly.

That's not
what you get at home.

♪ Tell me where you been
last night, Caroline ♪

I've done
a lot of research,

and I've plotted out our
course for the whole trip.

I know this is
old stuff to you,

having been a helmsman
on an aircraft carrier.

Oh, I just steered
the Sara,
boss.
Don't really navigate.

Hey, swab, you wanna
get me another brewski?

Sure. Hi, Mom.

What I mean is,
you know these waters
pretty well, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
no problem there.

Besides, if we get lost,

we just gotta pull in
somewheres and
ask directions.

You know, Martin,

I've never heard of
most of these places
you have us stopping.

Kate, that's the point
of the whole trip!
This is an adventure.

Who wants to stay in a place
like this every night?

See, and we can visit...

We can visit
sponge fishermen there
and an old monastery here,

fabulous rock formations,
an old Spanish fort.

And then,
if we stay on course
and on schedule,

we'll be there
for Carnival.

Where?

There. San Juan.

Now, that sounds
like fun to me.

- Carnival.
- Yeah.

Where is that again
exactly, boss?

Ah, San Juan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there it is.
I'll just leave this
with you, Captain Ron.

Yeah. That's good, boss.
I'll give her
a good study tonight.

So, I thought
maybe we'd go below.
All of us?

No, just you and me.

Oh. You and me, huh?

Kids?

I think Mom and I
are gonna turn in.
It's only 8:30.

Well, dawn comes early
on a boat. Right, Cap?

Yeah. Right about that, boss!
Happens every morning
just about sunup.

But, you guys can
certainly stay up on deck
for a while if you want.

Maybe play a game
or something.

Hey, now,
there's a hell of an idea.

How about a little
dollar poker?

Oh, Captain Ron, I think
we'll just stick to Monopoly.

It's just... You know.
No, I gotcha.

Come on, swab.

So, what do you think,
baby?

First night
in the boat,

waves lapping
against the hull.

You, me, in our
own floating palace.

Skipper, the palace walls
are kind of thin.

We're not alone.

Aha! Thought about that.

Look at this.
The shower...

And a little
camouflage noise.

What are you doing?

What?

What's with you?

Party at the Dutch consulate.
Nice map.

Nice dress.

If anyone asks,
I went for a walk.

Okay?
Mmm-hmm.

Hey!

Expensive night.

Well, now that
you got a little coin
in your jeans, swab,

I say we make the game
interesting, huh?

Well, okay.

Ah, let's say 10 cents
equals $100.

Mr. Big Stakes.

What's that sound?

Water pump.
Oh.

Hey, get your
hands off that.

I was just moving it.
I wasn't gonna drink it.

You bet your little bootie
you wasn't.

You want a beer,
you get your own beer.

Mmm. Honey, wait.

Let me adjust the shower
a tiny little bit.

What's that?

A threesome!
A mop!

Don't go nowhere.

Where am I gonna go?

Lucy, I'm home!

Hello.

It suddenly
got crowded again.

It's a little
cramped in here.
Oh, oh, wait.

I dropped
the wash cloth.
I got it.

Just wait a second.
Ouch!
Ow!

I gotta open the door.
I gotta...

Hold on.
Wait a second.

Stuck?
It's stuck.

Hello.

Don't let it go
down the drain!

Oh, it went down the drain.

All right!
B&O Railroad.

That's a buck-twenty-five.

You just have to
turn off the water, honey.

I'm trying
to turn off the water.

This is a piece of junk!

Try to turn it
the other way.
Okay.

Oh, shoot.
What? Did you drop it?

Three houses,
that's 375. That's 37 cents.

Well, that's
half the money I have left.

Eh, shit happens.
Cough it up.

Oh, man.
We're gonna run out of water.

Hang on a second.

Oh, by the way.
You owe me $2.50 for the beer.

- Just calm down.
- I got it.

Oh, God.

Please don't let
my children find me

drowned and naked
in a shower!

There. See?
We're fine. We're fine.
Oh, honey.

Uh, boss?

Yes, Captain Ron?

Uh, shouldn't take
long showers.
Eats up the fresh water.

Thank you
for pointing that out.

Hey, boss?

Yes, Captain Ron?

You know you got
a mop handle wedged up
against the door here?

Yes, I'm...
I'm well aware of that.

Thank you.
I wasn't.

Here, boss,
I'll just take...

No, no!

Oh!

Sorry, boss, I, uh...

No, that's fine.

Oh, I think everything's
under control now,
Captain Ron.

Yeah. I'll give you a hand
cleaning up here.

No, that's okay.
That'll be fine. Thank you.

We're good.
It's a lot of water.

Well, it's a boat.
It'll soak in.

Well, I'll see you
in the morning.

Yes.

Hey, you want me to
close the door here, boss?

Yes! That would be nice.
Thanks.

Oh, God.

Hey!
Whoa!

Hey.

You wouldn't be trying
to cheat Captain Ron,
now, would you, swab?

No, honest.
Uh, what happened?

Nothing.

Playing hide the salami
in the shower.

Oh, come on, man!

Trip log, day five.
At sea.

So far, our adventure
has consisted
of chipping, sanding,

painting and polishing.

But I am happy to report
the boat is starting
to look a lot better.

You know, all you have to
do to make this
look really great

is just
clean up this wood.

Mom, it's all wood.

However,
I do have concerns...
Ow!

...about certain other
aspects of the voyage.

Whoa!

Aw, man!

Dad, sander doesn't work.

Here, I'll fix you up.

Oh, Captain Ron?

Yeah, boss?

Man overboard!

What now?

Could someone
throw me a line?

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm... I'm fine.

Hang on, hang on.
Don't worry, Kitty,
this could happen to anybody.

Hang on, boss.

Always stand clear
of the ladder, boss.

Concern is increasing
about our captain.

He lost our ladder.

Doesn't navigate.

And, in my opinion,
steers badly.

- Jib.
- Jib.

- Staysail.
- Staysail.

- Mainsail.
- Mainsail.

- Mizzenmast.
- Mizzenmast.

- Mizzen boom.
- Mizzen boom.

- Mizzen halyard winch.
- Mizzen halyard winch.

What is this all of a sudden,
Full Metal Jacket?

Honey, you gotta
learn the basics.

And you got
to be prepared.
That's right.

I'm not talking
Boy Scout prepared.

I mean
big-time prepared.

Well, prepared for any kind
of normal accident.

This is
the Caribbean, guys.

El Caribe.
The Spanish Main.

This is the land of
voodoo and hoodoo and
all kind of weird shit.

Whoa! So cool.

Yeah, I think all
we really have to say,
Captain Ron,

is that it's important
to know the fundamentals

and they're not
that hard, right?

Right. Right, any dope
can learn this stuff.

Now, boss. This rigging,
standing or running?

Kitty?

Red running, blue standing.
Standing.

You got it!

I got it!
I got it, I got it.

Come here. Head of the class.

What is it?
All right.
Helm!

The big one up top?
Mainsail!

♪ Well, all right
We're jammin'

Okay, now remember,

when we get the sails up,
you can't go dead
into the wind.

You gotta take her off
a little, right?
Right.

A little this way.
A little that way.

Uh-huh.

A ship's like a woman,
responds to touch.

Power of the wind
in the sails.

Oh, man.
Can you feel that?

Just gotta get
your sea legs.

Now this way.
Try it a little that way.
Yeah.

♪ We're jammin'

♪ To think that jammin'
was a thing of the past

♪ We're jammin' ♪

Caroline, stop whining.

I'm not whining.
I'm complaining.

You guys said
the Caribbean!

I mean, St. Barths
with Mick and Cher,
some kind of Club Med thing,

not scrubbing decks
on the S.S. Minnow.

Honey, really.

I'm not kidding, Mom.

Being a galley slave
holds no appeal to me.

Caroline.

Why can't we take
a Princess Cruise if we want
to be out on the ocean?

Captain Ron?

May I have the camera,
please?

Yeah, sure, boss.

Here, uh, I just, you know,
I saw it down below

and thought I'd take a look.
I didn't use any film though.

Is that right?

Let me tell you something.
This is not a toy.

Okay?

It's a highly complex
piece of equipment.

I can see that, boss.
I mean, there's
all kind of buttons there.

It came with a 64-page
instruction book.

Back in a second.

I've read the entire thing.
Have you?

I don't think so.

Excuse me. Captain Ron,
I was wondering.

Are we gonna be going
to any more, like,
human-type places?

Well, you heard
of Saint Croix?

Yeah!

We're going to the island
just to the left of it.

What's it called?
Ted's!

Ted's?

It happens to have great
historical significance.

Oh, yeah? Probably
a sponge fishermen's
convention there.

Or something more on rocks.
Like we haven't seen
enough rocks!

She's really
a great girl, boss.

Oh, God, no.

Yep, I think you might've
broke this, boss.

I did?

Hey, swab, get me
another brewski!

Day ten.

Sailing lessons continue about
as well as can be expected

under Captain Moron's
direction.

Martin, are you okay?

Don't worry, Kitty,
it could happen to anyone.

Hey, swab.

Come here.

All right. Now,
when you get down there,

grab it,
yank on the line twice,
and I'll pull you...

Ah, never mind, swab.

Listen, you go on
with the boss and
I'll take care of it.

I have to say, guys.

I think this is gonna be
one of the high points
of the trip. I really do.

High points?
This place doesn't even
have a dock!

Yes, but it does have
one of the best examples

of Spanish fortifications
in the entire West Indies.

The cannons, the walls,
they're all still here,
everybody.

Hey, give me
a double bongo bacon burger
and a bongo dog, huh?

Chips, double BB
with bacon and a bongo dog.

- Honey, I don't get it.
- Why are you so upset?

The man took us to
the wrong freaking island.

Martin.

Oh, I mean, come on.
Everybody makes mistakes.

He's human.
Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Hey, kids, what do you say
we make the best of this
and explore the island?

Dad, I just ordered
my chili fries.

How much
for the hat?
Three bucks.

All right, looky there. See?
Everything's fine.

Honey, the kids are happy.
Captain Ron's taking us out
to lunch to make up for it.

Let's just get
something to eat, okay?

Katherine, Katherine,

I have worked very,
very hard to plan
a spontaneous adventure,

and Captain Contagious over
there is screwing it up.

Throw some music
on that jukebox, huh?

Hey, boss!

If you're going back,
stay on the path.

You know,
there's guerrillas
in these woods.

Gorillas? Too cool.

Ben, honey,
there are no gorillas,
not here.

Oh, yeah,
there is, boss.

Sorry, Captain Ron,

gorillas are native
to equatorial Africa.

Okay? No gorillas.
Not here. No way.

Honey, honey,
stay on the path, okay?

Now he's got her
buying it. Unbelievable.

I think he's got
an attitude problem about you.

Who, the boss?

Nah! We're like this.

Well, I don't know.
Some people do
get jealous of me.

There's the Navy thing.

Hey. Mambo.

How about it, babe?

Forget it. I can't dance
to this junk. Nobody can.

No?

Check this out.

Come on, Kitty.
You know how to move to this.

Oh, I can't dance in these
rubber boat shoes.

Well, kick 'em off!

"Stay on the path, boss.
There's gorillas
in the woods."

Like I don't watch
National Geographic
every week.

All right, Kitty! Yeah!

Martin and I used to go
dancing all the time.

It shows.

If I find a single gorilla
anywhere around here,
I'll eat it.

Gorillas. Right.

Mmm-hmm.

He could've said
"revolutionaries,"

"freedom fighters." No.

Gorillas.

He did it on purpose.

You can see it in his eyes.

Excuse me, his eye!

Martin, he'll hear you.

Let him hear me.

You know, he did
convince them to let you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot.
We're dealing with
a true humanitarian.

Let me see,
there's Terry Waite,
Desmond Tutu

and Captain Ron.

Pretty much
the big three.

Hey, boss, I just
wanted to tell you...

Oh.
A little more
dry rot here, huh?

Ah, don't worry about it.

Listen, I fixed that
winch handle you busted
the other day,

so try and be a little
more careful with it
next time, all right?

Hey! What are you
holding in your hand?

Winch drum.
That's my girl!

Honey,
don't start anything.

I'm just going down to get
a bigger screwdriver.
That's it.

What difference
does it make?

I'm sick of being
the thimble.

Well, I'm the top hat,
so you can't be that.

Be the battleship.

I'm the battleship.

What's this?
Monopoly.

No, this.

Two .45s
and a MAC-10.

It's his total
macho trip, Dad.
Just ignore it.

Where'd they come from?

Captain Ron traded
the guerrillas for 'em.

Yeah, I thought we got
to have them, boss,
'cause, you know,

we're getting into
pirate waters here
pretty quick.

What pirates?

Pirates of the Caribbean.

Been to Disney World
one too many times,
have we, Captain Ron?

It's true, Dad.
They come up on you
in high-speed boats.

You know, I don't
believe I've ever
been to Disney World.

Oh, really?

I've been to Dollywood.
You guys are making me
lose count!

All right,
all right, all right.

We are not having guns
on this boat.

Dad, we got to be able
to fight off the pirates.

Yeah, if we don't, you know,
they could steal the boat.

There are no pirates
of the Caribbean.

I don't know, Dad.
That's what you said
about the guerrillas.

And I was right.

He said gorilla,
not guerrilla.
Guer. Go.

Huge difference, kids.
Huge difference.

What was that?

Automatic weapons,
Katherine.
How about that?

Captain Ron thought
we ought to have them
to hold off,

and get this, pirates.

Pirates?

Yeah. He actually traded...

Hold on.

Captain Ron?

Yeah, boss?

What pirates?

Hold on, baby, please.

What did you trade
for those guns?

Well, now,
there's the beauty of it.

Nothing, nada.

See, they needed a lift
into San Juan,

and since we was
heading there
tomorrow anyway...

Look, this is my boat.
Do you understand?
Yeah.

We aren't giving anyone
a lift, especially a bunch
of armed revolutionaries.

Whatever you say, boss.

I'll just give 'em
the guns back and the
whole thing will be off.

Is there a problem?

All right, fellas, come on,
Give me a break here,
will you? Sit down!

Yeah, yeah.
Jesus!

Stand by to set
the mainsail!

Here we go.

All right. Set the mainsail!

Hey, babe,
don't just stand there
watching them do it,

jump up there
and guide those lines!
Okay, okay.

Careful.
Honey, be careful.

Got it, Mom.
Try to control
your excitement, Caroline.

I love her show
of enthusiasm,
don't you?

Wait, wait, it's not
even hanked on.
Hang on, now, wait.

Come here. Come here.
All right, keep us
on a heading of 2-7-0.

God damn it.
Come on, you guys.

You've been through this.
Doesn't take three to do this!
What?

Babe, get on that winch.
Boss, come up here with me.
Yeah, okay.

Ease off on that winch.

Be careful with that.
Yeah.

- Let her up, let her up!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on up here, boss.
Give me a hand.

All right there,
bring it down,
bring it down.

I'm telling you.

Gotta get these son
of a bitches hanked on here.
Okay.

Not gonna do any good
floating out there
in the breeze.

Yeah. Oh! I'm sorry.
Hold on.

- No, no. Mom, it goes this way.
- We're all set up. Take it up.

- Today, guys!
- Sorry, sorry.

Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa! Hey!

Ow, my hand.
Come around
the other side.

You gotta come
around here, boss!
Watch what I'm doing here now.

All right, take it up.

All right. Hey!
Now, you wanna go below,

and cut the engines,
kill the fuel lines?
Ready?

Yeah. There you go.

All right, guys.
Vamonos al frente.

Give these guys
some room to work.

Kitty, babe, come on up here
and jump on this mizzenmast.

Atta boy, swab.

Mmm.

Sails nice.
Yes.

See what I'm
talking about?

All right, Mom!

Day 17 finds me
in the clutches
of revolutionaries,

and my family
in the clutches
of Captain Ron.

Next stop,
Carnival in San Juan,

or so we thought.

Look, guys,
you gotta believe me.
You have not been kidnapped.

Captain Ron is a jerk.

He gets lost.

This is his second time
in two days.

So...

Of course, they don't
understand English.
I don't speak Spanish.

So, obviously communications
are gonna be a hair thick.

Well, everything's
cool, boss.

It's like I told you,
you know.

We get lost, all we
gotta do is ask.

What?
Yeah, well, San Juan.

It's behind us about 20 miles.
But, you know, hey, listen.

The good news is
that General Armando
hardly blames you at all.

You know,
I explained it to him.

It's the tides, man.
They can either work for you

or they can
work against you.

Hey!

I don't think
she's waving at you,
Captain Ron.

She's not?
I sincerely doubt it.

Hey, Clarice!
Babe, who you
waving at?

Yeah, thought so.

You know, the second
I saw Clarice,
I knew where we was...

'Cause, you know,
confidentially

I've had these problems
with the tides before.

I'm coming!

You know, every time
I'm up this way,

she, uh, well,
she wants my manhood,
you know?

It's... It's...

Hey, have a good time, boss,
'cause I'm gonna.

Hang on.
I'm coming.

Hey, got you!

Hey, come here.
Put on a pound or two, huh?

Yeah, but in all
the right places.

Whoa!

No, just
rise above it, Marty.

Besides,
you'll probably miss
and hit the girl.

- Dad!
- Don't sneak up on me like that!

Dad, it went
through the deck!

- Dad, the boat's on fire.
- Dad, the boat's on fire!

Mom!

Mom!

Help!
Oh!

Mom!

Dad set
the boat on fire!

The boat's burning up!

Help, anybody!
Help!

Martin,
what happened, honey?

Are you all right?

What makes you think
I'm not all right?

Still there?

Well,
I have to say, this was
worth getting lost for.

This is absolutely gorgeous!

Ah!

I just wish that you
could see it, honey.

I can see it.
I just have these,
you know, spots.

Sweetie, ouch!

Oh!
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine. It's...

What about Captain Ron?
Can we talk about him?

I don't see how we can
get rid of him. I mean,
who's gonna drive the boat?

I can drive the boat, Kate.
You know, I mean,

the Doctor says that
by tomorrow, my retinas
will be absolutely fine.

Well, I think we should
wait until tomorrow.

We'll be in San Juan,
back in civilization.

We can sit down
and figure out
what to do, right?

Tree.
Thank you.

You know, I have to admit
I was against all this,

but getting those
sails up this afternoon
was quite a rush!

For all of us!

And today,
I discovered something

in the cabin.

I could show it to you
if you want.

Uh, the American girls
are very...

What's the word?
Superficial?

Yeah. God,
I really hate that.
Mmm-hmm.

'Cause, like, I'm into
different cultures

and different ways
of doing things.

Like watching Mr. Ed
on TV the other day,

and he's speaking
French or something.

It was like, wow!
He speaks French!
That is so cool.

All right, General,
you're up.

Aha.

Aha!

Boardwalk with three hotels,
that's $6,000.

A penny to the dollar,
that's $60 U.S.
Diselo.

The General says
that's all the money he has.

Tell the General,
"Shit happens.
Cough it up."

It's not like
I hate the guy,
you know, honey?

I mean,
I don't hate anybody.

I can't wait for you
to see this.
It's so amazing.

What?

Come here.
Look here.

Mom, can we
get some drinks?

Yes, honey,
they're in the...

Blue cooler.
Okay?

I couldn't...
Uh, could you
get 'em for us?

Honey, you're a big boy.
You can get 'em. Mommy
and Daddy are busy. Okay?

I found this while
i was strip...

Stripping these
cabinets down here.
Look here.

Here.
Isn't that amazing?

Oh, that is...
That's great.

Honey.
Oh, your poor eyes.
Come here.

Here, feel.

"C. G.

"plus C.L."
Yeah.

C...
Can you believe it?

C...

Didn't your uncle
buy this boat from
the Clark Gable estate?

Yeah.
Well, it's Clark Gable
plus Carol Lombard.

That is great! Great!
Honey, think about it.

Gable and Lombard
in this bed!

Oh, honey, with those
cute little cherub guys
up there and everything.

Isn't it just so amazing?
And the ocean outside.

It's like
the most romantic thing
I've ever imagined.

Well, once we get
to San Juan, no more
Captain Ron, right?

Whatever you say,
honey.

Hey, who's rocking
the boat down there?

God!

It's the dawn of a new day!

Charged by the best sex
that we've had

in, I would say,
at least three years anyway,

if you don't count
that one time in the car,

and the knowledge
that Captain Ron is about
to leave our lives forever,

I feel great!

Ah! Yes.

♪ I am a man
A seagoing man

♪ And I've got
a big, big, big, big... ♪

Honey, let's not forget
we have guests on the boat,

if you know
what I mean.

Hi, how's it going? Hi!
Buenos dias.

Hi there.
Good seeing you.

And como estas?

How you doing, guys?
Good to see you.
Right over there.

Good morning,
boss!

You know, I, uh,
spent the night ashore

'cause I figured the boat
might be a little crowded.

Oh, that's mighty
nice of you!

Let me ask you something.
How long is it gonna take us
to get to San Juan?

About four
or five hours, tops.

And you're sure
you know the way?
Oh, yeah, no problem there.

Any fool could find it.
Well, let's hope so,
huh?

Ah, don't worry, boss.

It's just a little squall.
They come on you fast,

and they
leave you fast.

Okay, we have
enough life preservers...
Whoa! Whoa!

For each and every person,
so don't panic.
Whoa! Whoa!

Make sure they're
fastened properly.

All right.
Here's an example.
This tie model.

They highly recommend a bow.

No hard knot, honey.
You'll never get that undone.

Listen, everybody.
Now, nobody should
worry about this.

It's just
a little squall.

You know,
they come on you fast
and they leave fast.

Blub-blub-blub.
Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no
blub-blub-blub.
No hundir.
No
hundir.

We're not going to sink!

You folks don't wanna be
down here if she starts
to break up.

Mom, my glasses broke
and the lens fell out.

Honey, don't worry
about your glasses.
Just stay down there

and hold on tight,
okay?

Honey, hold on!

There's no need to panic.
We know where we are.

We've got our compass
and we've got our chart.

You're right about that, boss.
I've got it right here.

Hang on.

Hang on.
It's okay.
It's okay.

We still have
our compass.

The only instrument
that Columbus had to
get him to the new world

was his trusty compass.

Oh, don't lose that!

Hang on a second.
Go ahead! Go ahead!

Grab onto that line!
All right, everybody,
listen to me.

Listen to me!
Yes.

The boss is right.
We should be okay,

'cause I know
we're near land.

Great, Captain, great!
Do you hear that?

We're almost there!

Explain to the kids how you
know that, Captain Ron.
All right.

Someone translate
for General Armando.
Si, yo.

All right.
Now stay with me.
Yeah, yeah.

When we left,

we had just enough fuel
to make it to San Juan,

and we are out of fuel!

Oh man, he's gone
stark crazy.
I've seen this before.

Somebody grab
his tongue.

Shove a stick
in his mouth. Anything!

I see something!

Lights!

Oh look!
Look, it's land!

Honey, look!
Look!

Day 20.
Survived storm at sea.

Captain Ron is proving
to be more cunning
than originally suspected.

Honey, I just don't think
we can fire him now,

because he got us
through the storm.

Katherine, he almost got us
killed in that storm!

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to yell at you.
I really... It's just that...

See, you don't totally
understand, I don't think.
He's eating my brain!

Okay?
He's taking over
our lives.

Honey, you're exaggerating.
You really are.

Hey, look who I found
dancing with all
the pretty girls.

Ah, Dad, this is great.
Ben, you don't have
to wear those glasses.

I really don't mind.
Honey, you know what?
Let's not wear 'em. Okay?

No, Mom, I'm fine.
Yeah, yeah.
Kitty's right, swab.

You know, in major ports,
I go without the patch myself

on account
it puts some people off.

I don't like to draw
attention to myself,
so I lose it.

You know, I got
news for you, Ron.
If I had a hand mirror

right now, and you
could get a load of...
Caroline, come over here.

Whoa!
That was so cool!

Great! Okay. Let's take
a walk, shall we?

Now, you kids keep up.
Okay. come on, let's go.

Hi.

Yes, I will,
in fact, admit

that I think Captain Ron's
a little rough
around the edges.

No, no, no.
Honey, he is a psycho!

Well, you say psycho. I...
I mean, what does that mean?

Swab, help me out.
I lost my eye!

Do you see it?
There it goes!

I love this.
I love it!

I mean, think of it.
This is an experience
of a lifetime!

Hang on! Hang on!
There it is! There it is!

Excuse me.

- Will you please back off?
- I lost my eye, man.

And, honey,
Caroline hasn't once
mentioned being engaged.

And Ben...
Yeah, Ben. Let me tell you
something about Ben.

I wanted this to be
a fantastic bonding
experience

for the two of us,
father and son.

Now, he's bonding all right.
He's bonding with
Captain Cyclops back there.

Honey, he's such
a character!

Honey, where are
the kids?

They're there.
They're... Ben!

They were right there.

Caroline!

Benjamin!

Sorry. Caroline!

Benjamin!

Ben!

Katherine!
Did you find them?

What? No. No.

Come on, forget it.
Come on, get up.

It never did fit, anyway.
Guess you gotta get 'em
custom-made.

Hey, where's
Mom and Dad?

I'm just saying,
I don't think
it was smart

to mention that we
brought revolutionaries
onto the island.

I'm not trying
to start a fight.
It's just my opinion.

I was just trying
to impress upon them

the kind of person
I think Captain Ron is.
That's all.

Mr. And Mrs. Harvey?
I'm Bill Zachery from
the U.S. State Department.

I've got good news for you.
Oh, you found our children.

No, but you're not being
charged with subversion.

Hey, there's a break.

But you are being expelled
from the island.

What? When?
Now.

What in the Sam Hill
is going on?

Caroline!
Hi! You guys are
back early, huh?

What are you doing?
The meringue.

Honey, where is your brother?
Oh. he's around here
someplace.

You guys! See, it was
Captain Ron's idea.

He didn't want us wandering
around in the street

'cause he said
something might happen.

So we found this band
and these people and
we just had a party.

Honey, we thought
you were in some kind
of trouble or something.

We were worried sick
the whole time
we were in jail.

You guys were in jail?

Just don't worry
about jail, okay?
It's a long story.

Who's this guy?
This is Mamba.

Oh, he doesn't speak
a lot of English,
but he's really cute.

And he's a local artist,
and Mom, Dad guess what.

Don't tell me.
You're engaged?

Right?
No, I didn't get engaged!
Come on.

I got tattooed.

What?
Mamba did it. It's, like,
this cool little rose.

Are you saying...
Honey, where did you
get this tattoo?

At Mamba's shop.
No, I mean,
where on your body?

Mom,
it's kind of private.
You let a guy

with a spider on his head

tattoo you someplace
"kind of private"?
Dreadlocks, Daddy!

Well, you know, Dad,
things could be a lot worse.
How?

Hey, what happened
to the music?

Uh-oh. Coming through.
'Scuse me, beep-beep.

- Sweetie!
- Come back here!

Excuse me. 'Scuse me, folks.

Ben!
Honey!

Ben!

Whoa!

Ben!

Whoa! You hurt?

See, I told you not
to leave those bottles
laying around!

You cretin!

Angeline's no cretin, boss.
She's a Puerto Rican.

I'm not talking to Angeline.
We're just playing
a game, Dad.

- Strip Monopoly.
- What?

Well, that's just because
we ran out of money, see.

I mean, she is
kicking our ass here, right?

Where's Ben?
He went that way.

Don't hide
from me, sweetie.
You tattooed my kids.

Who is this guy? Already
I don't like him a lot.

Dad, it's fake.
It washes off.
Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Caroline's is fake too?
No, that's real, boss.

That's primo work.

You're fired.

Boss!
Boss, wait a minute.

Come on, let's at least
have a dialog here,
boss, huh?

Captain Ron,
I'm really sorry.

But really,
giving the children beer,

and bringing
that woman around!

We just can't have it.

- Angeline's okay.
- Roscoe's the jerk.

Yeah, we saw Roscoe
on our way in.

And you'll be seeing him
again, man, if I don't
get paid $500.

For what?
She had Park Place
with three hotels, Dad.

Okay, let's go.
Hang on. Just curb it
a second, will you?

Look, boss... Former boss,
what can I tell you, man?
The woman had a system.

All right? I didn't get it
figured out till just before
you guys got back.

Now, if you let us back
in that game,

I'm completely positive
we can whittle that
down some.

You whittle yourself
out of my life, okay?
And, you,

Miss Park Place,
tell Roscoe you're
not getting Jack!

I wouldn't do that, boss.
Well, I would.
You're outta here. Beat it!

Get your tattoo
back on that boat!
Daddy, you're embarrassing me.

I'll do more than that
if you don't get going.
Move!

Caroline.

Oh, man.

Well, you know,
it'll take some time
to get over this.

But we'll get by somehow,
we always do.

I didn't think
we would survive this.

- Don't worry, baby.
- In a couple days,

we'll be in Florida,
we'll sell this stupid thing
and go home.

We'll just forget
about the whole thing.

You know, it's something
that seemed like
a good idea at one time.

Martin? Martin,
you know that Roscoe man?

Honey.

The pirates
of the Caribbean!

What?

Oh, no.

So, think we'll ever
see our boat again?

Hey, guys, hurry!
Wake up.

What? Sharks!
What? What?

We're gonna die!
No, land!

What?
Where?

Paddle, everyone.
We're gonna live!

Okay.

Okay.
It's land! It's land!

Honey.
Ooh!

Oh, Dad!
Sorry!

This is so heavy.
Whoa!

Where is it?
Honey, I don't care
where it is. It's dry land.

Yeah!
Let's find
a hotel.

Okay, now.
First things first. Okay.

Just calm down, stay here.
I'm gonna find out
exactly where we are. Okay?

Now, in five-and-a-half
hours, the stores open,

we can get some clean,
dry clothes.

So, in the meantime,
I want everyone to dry off
as best they can.

Back to the raft!
Back to the raft!

What?
Go, get in the raft.
Just get in, get in.

Back to the raft!
Martin, what is it?

Prohibit to pass.

Look, let's just go to
the most important part
of the sign, shall we?

Cuba.
We're in Cuba?

Wouldn't you just
know it?

What's so bad about Cuba?

Yeah, I agree with Caroline.

- It's land.
- Yeah.

You're now agreeing
with someone whose world view

is based on
I Love Lucy reruns.

The world's changed a lot
since Ricky Ricardo. Trust me.

Honey, they did
the Today
show in Cuba.

Oh, well, then let's just
get some cigars and relax.

You don't have
to be sarcastic.
I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm just saying
it's better that we're here.

If it's safe enough
for the Today
show,
it's safe enough for us.

Now, listen.
This is a communist country.

Since the breakup
of the Soviet Union,

there's tension
everywhere.

Dad!

Martin?

Is it possible
that we've been
drifting for 16 hours,

and we've ended up
in the same spot
as our boat?

Isn't that
a little odd?

Relatively
speaking, no.
Relative to what?

To the fact that
the last three...
Hey!

Creeps,
stay outta my...
What are you doing?

Stop, Caroline!

Good one, Caroline.
Be quiet!

Everyone, be quiet!

All right.
Now, what are we gonna do?
What can we do?

The sun is almost up.
We're in an
unfriendly country.

We have no money, no passport,
no reasonable explanation
for even being here.

Well, we've got our boat.
No, no, honey,
I think if you look,

you'll notice
the pirates have our boat.

You know what?

It's still our boat.
We cleaned the stupid thing.
We sailed it. It's ours.

What do you expect us to do?
Well, honey, I think she
expects us to get it back.

Think about it, Katherine.

Bloodthirsty,
heavily-armed pirates
against the Harvey family.

Guys, it would
take a miracle.

Yeah!

- It's Captain Ron!
- All right, get in.

What the hell are you doing?
Creating a diversion
so I can rescue you.

We don't need you
to rescue us.
Honey, I think we do.

Get in! Get in! Hurry!

Pirates, just like
you said, Captain Ron.

Yeah. Pirates are easy.
It's the Cuban cops
you gotta worry about.

Grand theft auto
is a major biggie
around here.

- Grand theft auto?

You stole
this car?
Borrowed it, boss.

Are there seat belts?

How'd you know
where to find us, Captain Ron?

Didn't.
You just got lucky.
That's your opinion.

Huh?

What happened?

All right, you fire up
the boat, boss.

I'll take 'em around again
and ditch the pirates!
No!

Honey,
we'll be right back!

Oh!

Ow!

Sh... Come on.

Watch this!

You jerks!

That was so cool.
You totally faked
those guys out.

I'm really glad you're back,
Captain Ron.
And I'm there for you, swab.

Dad, he tries, but he
usually screws things up.
Not like you.

Lighten up.
You know, Dad does
the best he can.

I mean, it's not
his fault that...

Start!

I hate you.
I hate everything about you,
you stupid, ugly-looking...

All right, everybody
grab their shit!

Come on.
Come on.

Oh, no, he hasn't
gotten it started yet.
Hang on. Hang on a second.

Mom?
Uh, you guys
wait here a minute,

and I'll see if I can
give him a hand.

Come on.
It'll be okay.

Oh! Kids!

Oh, shit.
Come on!
On the top, quick!

Ben, get down
and stay down.
Okay.

Hurry,
up on the bow.

Mom, slack off.

Look!

Okay,
all aboard!

Yes! Good!

Off we go.

Sorry, boss.

Fell. I think
I broke my leg.

Dad, help! Dad!

Dad, help! Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad, over there!

Whoa!

Wow!

Look, Mom!
Did you see that?

Well, just don't sit there.
Someone pull me in, come on.

Kids, grab the main sheet!
Bring him in!

- Caroline, come on!
- Hold on, Dad!

We gotcha, Dad.
We gotcha.
Hold on.

A couple more feet,
then you're here, Dad.

Pull me in. Okay.
Okay, come on.

All right!
Oh, Dad!

That was the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

You say that now!
Okay, just tie this up, okay?

Yeah, okay.
Ben, grab the line.

Martin,
are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.
Captain Ron broke
his leg, though, I think.

What? Oh.
I'm serious.
Better go see.

Yay, Dad!
Yay, Ben!

Kitty, that's all right.
I'm...

Stupid pirates.
Who do they think
they are, anyway?

I just wish we
had it all on video.
Oh, Daddy.

That's a good idea.
We'll do that.
Okay, okay.

That was so cool!
Did you show
those guys or what?

You know about
broken bones, huh?
Yeah.

I took a Red Cross
first aid course.

It shows.
Yeah.

All right, here.

All right, now,
we're gonna get a splint.

Oh, shoot! I was supposed
to do the splint first.
That's all right.

All right, kids.
Nothing can stop us now.

You go tell the boss there's
a small island out there.

All right? Los Palominos.
It's on the chart.
Okay.

All we gotta do
is get there,
everything's Jake.

We're out
of Cuban waters.

Do you
smell something?

Dad, what's that?

Oh, my God!

Martin?

Okay, okay, now, hold on.

Not much point,
boss.

Bearings just burned out.
Well, what does that mean?

It means I forgot
to fill it with oil.

Well, what do we do?
There's gotta be
something.

Well, Captain Ron can we...
Not this time, swab.

I'm kind of
out of action here.

Bone's about to punch
through the skin.

Boss, them pirate guys
usually don't like to lose.

It's an honor
kind of a deal with them.

Mr. Harvey,

I crossed these guys
once before.

And they can get to be
a little... Little messy,
you know what I mean?

Okay, on deck.
We're gonna get
the sails up.

Dad, we don't... Yes.
You wanna save
this boat or not?

Then let's go.
Okay. You heard your father.
Come on. Move it, quick.

Yeah! That's more like it.
Now you're talking!

You can do it, mates!
I've never seen such sailors,

not in all my born days,
I ain't.

Naturals!
By God, everyone
of you's naturals.

We're gonna fucking die.

Okay, you all know
what to do.

Man!

Caroline,
get the gaskets!
Yeah.

All right, Katherine,
on the mizzenmast.
Ben, tail the main sheet.

I got the staysail.

Go, Katy, go!

We're too far
into the wind.

We gotta
bring her around.
Okay.

Caroline, come here!

Right. Sorry.

Go! Pull back.

Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday!

- Pull!
- I'm trying.

Come on,
you're a tough babe.
You've got a tattoo.

Dad, it's just
a little tattoo.

Well, then,
be a little tough, then.

Hey, Guantanamo,
wake up!

Atta boy, boss.
You got the wind now!

Okay.
Okay.

All right,
go, go, go.
I got it.

Just hang on.
Yeah, I got it.

Okay, got it.

Got it?
Yeah!

Wow!
It's awesome, Dad.

Dad!

Maybe it's nobody.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey, come on, man.
We're doing our job out here.
You guys do yours.

These people
are taxpayers.

Oh, geez! Gunplay!

Let's go.
What are you, born stupid?
Stay down!

Stay calm.
They're not gonna shoot
at me and my family!

What are you doing?

You blew a hole in our boat
with this, and I'm gonna blow
a hole in their boat!

Fellas, this is a serious call
for help out here!

That's different.
We have dry rot.

Hey, there are children
on this boat!

We have had enough...

Whoa!
Mom's pissed!

...of you!

Huh?
Huh?

How much did you pay
for this thing?

Mom! Mom!
Over there!

Look! Look!

What's that?
That's the U.S. Coast Guard!

We're the Harvey family.
We're from Chicago.

I'll try to get them
on the radio before
they start shooting at us.

We're Americans!

All right, Coast Guard!
Kick ass!

Hey!

Uh, leg feels
a lot better now, boss.

Yeah, I've always
been a fast healer.

You know. Of course,
I believe in Jesus,
so that helps.

U.S. Coast Guard cutter
Daniel Peerman

calling 60-foot catch
off Los Palominos Island.

Come in, please.

This is the Wanderer.
Go ahead.

Commander L. W. Morgan
sends his greetings, sir.

May we speak with
the Captain, please?

May we speak with
the Captain, please?
Over.

That's you, boss.

You're the captain now.

Day 30, new log,

old log having fallen
into the hands of the
pirates of the Caribbean.

We said goodbye
to Captain Ron today.

He hadn't been
in the States for seven years.

Something about
the statute of limitations.

I didn't ask questions.

He kept his promise
to Ben, promoting him
from swab to mate.

You're a mate now.
Bye, Captain Ron.

He traded hair-grooming tips
with Caroline.

We're gonna miss you.

And he kissed Katherine.
In fact, I think
he French-kissed her.

You're a lucky man,
boss.

Then, as suddenly
and as mysteriously as
he'd come into our lives...

Captain Ron!

...he was gone,

and our adventure
was over.

Come here.

Got that Harvey boat
coming in a few minutes.

As soon as we sign
the papers, I wanna
pull it outta the water.

You want it surveyed?
Nah,
it's a piece of junk.

It's been stripped.
The engine's had it.

In fact, set her down
back there,

and we'll cut her up
for scrap next week.

Salvage what we can.

Got it? Good.
Patti, let's go.

Just think, guys.
Tomorrow at this time,
we're gonna be home.

Yes.

Well, the way I look at it,
we can do one of two things.

Sell the boat,
go back to Chicago,
get back in our old routine,

or don't!

Okay, coming about!

Good going!

Hey! Hey!

Where you going?

Outta the way.
Here comes the Harvey family!

Hey, over here!

Hey, where we going?

Where we going,
skipper?

I don't know.

But if we get lost,

we'll just pull in somewheres
and ask directions.

Oh, boy.

Look at that,
Barbara.

You think we'll ever
be able to do that?

Yeah, sure you will,
boss.

I guarantee it.

All right, Babs,
let's light the fires
and kick the tires, huh?

Uh, hey.
Push that back.

Hang on a second.

Whoa!
Looks like you forgot
to cast off there, boss.

That's okay.
It could happen to anybody.

Listen, we just thought
we'd check the boat out
today, you know.

You know, 'cause we
just got it yesterday.
Ah, don't worry.

Best thing to do
is get her out
on the ocean, boss.

Anything that's gonna happen
is gonna happen out there,
right, Babs?

Yeah. Yeah, listen.
Whoa!
Whoa.

Yeah, well, just
take it easy 'cause there's
a lot of boats out there!

Ah, don't worry about it.
They'll get out of our way,
believe me.

I learned that
driving the Saratoga.