Captain Ron (1992) - full transcript

A family in Chicago inherits the yacht formerly owned by Clark Gable. They decide to sail it from the island of Ste. Pomme de Terre to Miami, and they sail with the assistance of Captain Ron and their lives will never be the same again.

Can I have a black coffee

with sugar, please?

See that glass up front?

Yeah, a window

popped out of the

12th floor this morning.

Can you believe that?

Any one of us could've

been under it when it fell.

Probably not the idiot

that installed it.

He's probably home

in bed right now sleeping.

One second you're walking

down State Street minding

your own business,

the next second, bam!

Shredded beef.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

I mean, we all have things

we want to do in this life.

I do, you do.

Before we get

a chance to do 'em,

some window falls on us.

Some truck flattens you

or you catch some disease.

Oh!

Not contagious.

Now, Marty here...

Oh, Carl, you know

Martin Harvey?

Sixteenth floor, new products?

Marty, Carl Preston.

Marty wants to

write a novel. I mean,

that's what he told me.

So, what are you gonna

write about, Marty?

Adventures in new

product development?

No, no,

I just said someday...

Well, my point exactly,

"someday."

Martin Harvey?

Sign on the line.

Someday I'll retire

to Wisconsin.

Someday we'll all have

more time for our kids.

Someday Marty

will do something

worth writing about.

Well, what if someday

never comes and this is

all there is, huh? Huh?

Oh, my floor.

Coming through.

Come on, folks,

let's go, step lively.

Come on, coming off.

Going down!

Junk!

How much junk

can one person carry?

I'm com... Oh, God!

Caroline,

I asked you to do...

Yes!

Oh.

Hi, Mrs. Holtzman,

how are you?

Oh!

Well, it's not gonna

happen at that price.

That's all there is to it.

Katherine,

I have a couple of pieces

of really big news.

Uh, yeah, well,

let's see here.

You've got 532 square feet.

Right. So there's

no way you're gonna

come in under $1,600.

Right, uh-huh.

Well, I do too,

but listen, I've just got

one word to say to you...

And that's...

Congoleum!

Right.

Uh-huh.

Well, no, no.

Clearly we both prefer tile.

I mean,

there's just no question.

You know what, Mrs. Holtzman,

I'm gonna call you

right back.

Is that all right?

Great. Because... No.

And don't sign anything

till you talk to me.

Great. Great.

Mmm-hmm.

Fine, great.

Okay, okay, soon. Bye.

Martin?

What is he doing home

so early?

I'm home!

Martin?

Mom?

Martin!

Mom!

Martin!

Mom!

What are you

doing up there?

Do you remember

my Uncle William?

The guy who ran off,

sailed off in 1962

and never came back?

Yeah.

Oh, no, don't tell me.

He's back?

Well, oh. Let me guess.

He's coming here

for a visit, right?

Honey, I can't.

I really can't.

This has just been

the worst possible week.

Don't worry,

he's not coming to visit.

Well, thank God.

He's dead.

Oh. Oh, God.

There I am

the last time I saw him.

Look at you.

Yeah, and he left us that.

What?

An old boat steering wheel?

No. It's not

just the helm.

It's everything the helm

is attached to.

You inherited an old boat.

Wow.

We're getting a boat?

Too cool!

Ben, remember our discussion

about eavesdropping?

Okay.

But we're getting a boat?

Uh, your father and I

have to talk about it.

All right,

we're getting a boat.

It's not just

an old boat.

He bought it from

the Clark Gable estate,

for God's sake!

Are you serious?

Absolutely. So I phoned

three boat brokers.

She's worth over

a quarter of

a million dollars.

Get out of here!

Honey, we can

really use that money!

Yeah.

We can get out from under

the second on the house

and pay off

the credit card debt.

Oh, this is great.

How quick can we sell it?

Well, there's, uh...

There's one little catch.

It's... It's on this island,

San Pomme de Terre.

Doesn't that

sound romantic?

That means potato.

No, it doesn't.

Now, it has to be

brought to Miami

if we want to sell it.

Yes, it does, honey.

It means Saint Potato.

Katherine,

it's not the point,

really, okay?

The point is,

we can sail it ourselves.

We don't know

anything about sailing!

We don't have to

because it's got an engine.

You know, we can put it

under power until

we get the hang of sailing.

Honey, I don't care

if it has an engine or not.

We don't know

how to drive a boat!

Yeah, well,

I figured that out.

You see, the Caribbean

is filled with boat captains.

So, what we do is

we hire a boat captain.

He takes the boat

to Miami with us,

teaching us how to sail

at the same time. See?

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Thirty, 45 days under sail.

An adventure!

Oh.

Mmm.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

What do you mean,

"Mmm-mmm"?

Well, what could I mean?

Mmm-mmm. No. Honey,

we can't do this right now.

I mean, we can't do it.

This is what we'll do.

We'll get a boat mover.

Mmm.

They've gotta

have them, right?

Yeah.

And we'll just

have the boat mover

bring it from there to us...

No, you're missing

the whole point.

It's about a spontaneous

moment here that

we just grab at.

We'll be spontaneous

when we have time, okay?

Can I speak to Jason, please?

This is Ben Harvey.

Oh, and it's

kind of important.

...we gotta pay taxes...

Of course,

we have to pay taxes.

And, I mean,

who knows how much

we're actually gonna net.

It's not about money.

I'm talking about

a lifetime experience.

Jason, guess what?

We're getting a boat, man!

- Got to go.

- I'll call you back.

Okay,

who was thoughtless enough

to put food

on the kitchen table?

Did you do this?

Do what, Mom?

All my modifications

are washed off.

Katherine...

It's a week's worth

of work. And it's gone.

Katherine, honest to God,

listen to yourself right now.

Dad...

You know?

Floor coverings and window

treatments have now become

the biggest thing

in your life.

Dad?

And I don't think we're

paying enough attention

to our children!

Dad!

Ben, would you please

stop interrupting?

We're trying to have

a family discussion here.

What about your job, huh?

What about my clients?

And let's talk about the fact

that we have children

that are in school!

Oh, we'll take 'em out

of the school.

Awesome!

Oh, come on!

Oh, you think we're

getting our educational

dollars' worth here?

What's two plus three?

Uh...

At least we're gonna

broaden their horizons.

Five!

Atta boy. You know...

Don't you try to

guilt trip me over this.

I'm not trying to

guilt trip you into anything.

That's totally...

Yes, you are. You are.

You always do this to me.

Look, it is

pathetic, Katherine.

We have an 11-year-old boy

and a 16-year-old daughter

who know nothing about life.

Give me a sec

to tell 'em, okay?

This is so cool!

What can I say

to make you

at least consider it?

I can't think of anything

that anyone could say

to make me want to

drop everything,

go to the other side

of the world

to a place that no one's

ever even heard of.

Oh, Mom, Dad, guess what?

I got engaged.

Yo, Mom, Dad.

What?

♪ Stir it up

♪ Little darling,

stir it up

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on

and stir it up

♪ Little darling ♪

Ah, yes. These are some

of your uncle's things,

removed for safekeeping.

We took the liberty

of burying him in a place

overlooking the water.

Oh, it's very nice

of you to do that.

Very nice.

We had to. We have no

refrigeration facilities,

and after six days...

We understand. That's fine.

Thank you. It's very nice.

Kate, take a look.

Oh, honey, is that it?

It looks like something out of

Adventures in Paradise.

Are you kidding?

Of course, that was

taken a few years ago.

But isn't she a classic?

Hey, Katherine, kids,

you gotta see this.

This is way better

than you would think.

It just needs a little work.

It's great.

Come on, Katherine, come on.

I'll be right back.

Come on! Let's go!

This sucks.

Katherine!

I'm coming.

Oh.

Whoa.

Clearly the wrong

shoe selection.

Well? Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think?

Honey...

I mean, just look at this.

You gotta see this.

My fault?

You're the one

that got engaged!

Well, you're the one

that went ballistic

over getting a boat.

A ski boat!

Don't push me!

Ben!

Oh, geez!

Mom, Ben fell

in the water.

Honey! Honey, we're coming.

You pushed me!

He pushed me first.

He knows he's not

supposed to touch me.

You did it intentionally!

Ben, swim to the side.

You're a little brat.

You know that?

I hate you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Okay, stop it!

Don't let that water

get in your mouth.

It could give you

diphtheria or something.

Daddy's coming.

Here, Ben.

Oh...

Donaldson Yacht Brokers.

Uh-huh. All right.

Hold on. Hold on.

Uh, it's Mr. Harvey

and it's a bad connection.

Yes, Mr. Harvey.

How are you?

We just received the specs

on the boat from the lawyers

for the estate.

It seems it hasn't been

surveyed since, uh, 1967.

Have you seen it yet?

Yes, uh, yes, yes.

I'm actually looking

at it now.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm just wondering...

Yeah, could you hold on

one second, please?

Excuse me, I'm gonna be

a little bit here.

I could signal you

when I'm through.

Yeah, um, I was wondering

what it would be worth

in less than

perfect condition.

I see.

I'll tell you what.

You get it up here

and we'll take a look-see.

Not at all.

Bye-bye now.

- Patti.

Mmm-hmm.

We were gonna send

Chuck Petrie down

to skipper that Harvey boat.

Hmm.

I changed my mind.

Just find 'em somebody local.

A local?

In San Pomme de Terre?

Mmm. Yeah.

Okay.

This here

the Harvey boat?

Who wants to know?

Captain Ron.

Hey, are you

the captain?

Yeah. Ron Rico.

Call me Captain Ron, boss.

Everybody does.

Hi, Captain Ron.

Martin Harvey.

I'd like you to meet

my wife and kids.

Yeah. Hi, Mrs. Harvey.

You old dog.

I bet she keeps

your clock wound, huh?

No, that's my daughter,

Caroline.

Oh, hey, my mistake!

Now, hiya, babe.

Hi.

Uh, Caroline, honey,

maybe you should, you know,

put on some more clothes.

This is my wife,

Katherine.

Hey, what's happening, Kitty?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Whoa!

And my son, Ben.

Hey, say, swab.

Man, what happened

to your eye?

- Ben.

- Sweetie, that's rude.

Ah, that's all right.

Shark attack, swab.

A shark ate your eye?

Yeah, it happened when

I went down off

the coast of Australia.

Uh, your boat sank?

Wow.

No, no, no, not my boat.

My boss's boat.

Yeah, we hit this reef,

huge son of a bitch.

Ran the whole coast.

Wait.

The Great Barrier Reef?

You heard of it, huh?

Smart lady.

Well, let's check

this thing out,

see what kind of trouble

this tub's really in,

huh, boss?

Yeah, just go...

The engine is, uh...

Honey?

Yeah?

Honey, did we get

a resume on him?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

You know what I mean?

He's already gone to work.

You know, so...

Okay.

Ah, there's no problem.

I'm gonna just go down

and show him a few things.

Tools on our...

You know, I think

we should tell him

we don't know that much

about boats.

I wouldn't worry

about it, dear.

Well, it's a genuine

article, all right.

Fairchild Marine,

1,200 ponies.

Whoa.

It drips

a lot of oil, doesn't it?

Hey, all diesels do that.

All diesels

do that, honey.

Yeah, diesels love their oil

like a sailor loves his rum.

Yes, they do.

Why is that,

Captain Ron?

Ah, nobody knows.

Huh.

All right. Now, we're gonna

have to check the oil

and fill her up every morning

before we run up.

It's a greasy job,

but somebody's gotta do it.

Well, Ben,

that sounds like...

No, no,

it's too important, boss.

You better do it.

You handle taking out

the trash, swab.

Oh, man, that stinks.

Ben!

Hey, swab, come here.

Listen up.

The way it works shipboard is,

you do your job.

You do it good,

you get a better job.

Maybe you get promoted

from swab to mate.

All right, get on it.

Yeah, sort of an incentive

kind of a deal, huh?

Aw, that's good.

Yeah, incentives

are important.

Learned that in rehab.

God, it's ridiculous.

Let's see

what we got here.

Oh.

Well, you got

a little dry rot here, boss.

That's okay.

Every boat's got it.

Every boat's got it,

honey.

You're lucky.

Yours is above the waterline.

Well,

most of it anyway.

All right!

Let's kick the tires

and light the fires, huh?

Ah!

Hey!

Hey!

I really hate this.

Honey, are you okay?

Will that come off?

Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine.

A little turpentine'll

do the trick.

Dad, let's take it out.

See how fast it'll go.

No, not yet, Ben.

We gotta make sure

everything's shipshape.

Right, Captain?

Ah, you're right

about that, boss.

Ow!

You all right?

Yeah.

Besides, swab, I borrowed

my buddy's car...

Uh...

What car?

Did he come in a car?

I don't see one.

But he said

his friend's car.

You know, on second thought,

what the hell? We got to

get started sometime, right?

Clogged pores.

I'm gonna look like a pizza.

People think a good

complexion grows on trees.

Wait a minute.

We don't even know if

this thing is safe or not.

Eh, best way to find out

is get her out

on the ocean, Kitty.

If anything's gonna happen,

it's gonna happen out there.

But we don't have

any supplies.

Yeah, we'll pick 'em up

in St. Haag, boss,

about 30 miles.

I'm pretty sure we got

enough fuel to make it.

Push that forward.

All right!

Hey! Hey!

Where are you going?

Capitan Ron!

Where is my auto?

Stop!

What's next?

You stole my wife.

But you're not

stealing my car!

What is that?

I don't know.

Some local dispute

or something?

Hey, boss. Hey, hey,

come here, take ahold.

Are those gunshots?

Hey, Kitty, look at this.

Honey, look.

Keep your eyes out there.

You, uh... You look

kind of natural there.

Thank you.

Spend much time

on the water?

Yeah, some,

when I was a kid.

It shows.

All right. Well, just keep

her pointed due north.

Don't bump into anything.

I'm gonna get some shut-eye.

Uh... Captain Ron?

Should... Should...

Sweetie, be careful.

Yeah, yeah.

Honey, are you okay?

Just fine. Mmm-hmm.

You're comfortable

doing this?

Well, next stop, St. Haag.

About 35 miles,

I think,

due north.

Isn't this great?

Look at this.

Open ocean, uncharted islands.

Who knows what's waiting

for us out there?

Come here.

Log entry, day two.

The adventure begins!

What a thrill it is

to be leaving the turmoil

of civilization behind us.

Martin, you see that boat,

right? Honey!

I see it, honey.

I see it.

Captain Ron,

could you come up, please?

Don't worry.

Everything's fine.

Dad?

There's something wrong

with that Captain Ron guy.

What?

I think he's dead.

What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Ben, stop that.

Tough break, huh?

Guess we'll

have to go home now.

Katherine, is he okay?

Katherine?

I didn't do it!

I didn't do it!

I didn't do it, I swear!

What? What?

Where am I?

Oh, sorry, Kitty.

I do that when I sleep.

It keeps the light out.

What about

your other eye?

Glass, swab.

Too cool!

Yeah.

Won it in a crap game

a few years back.

How we doing

up on deck here?

Oh, this is...

I know, I know,

I don't want to

hear about it.

Well, hi. You okay?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Eh, good job, boss.

Slow down.

There are boats

all over the place.

- Ah, don't worry.

- They'll get out of the way.

Learned that

driving the Saratoga.

The USS Saratoga?

Yeah, the old Sara.

Slow down.

Are you crazy?

All right,

get ready to kick those

fenders over, boss.

Yeah. Fenders?

What are fenders?

Those rubber bumper things

right up there.

- Hold on. Hold on!

- What's going on, Dad?

We need the rubber

bumper things.

What?

Hurry, just hang on

to something.

- We're coming in too fast.

- Just hold on to something.

Caroline,

get off my foot!

I'm not

on your foot!

Mom!

Hold on!

Did you see that?

That was cool.

All right, let's tie

her off and kick back

some cold ones, huh?

Hey.

I guess I'll go with

a margarita, huh?

Yeah.

Hey!

Honey, I got to confess.

I was

a little nervous about that.

I don't know why.

He obviously knows

what he's doing.

♪ Tell me where you been

last night, Caroline

♪ Tell me where you been

last night, Caroline

But I miss Chicago.

I mean,

they've got clubs there.

That's really cool.

I'm engaged.

Engaged?

But it's kind of informal.

Like, not a problem.

Oh, God, I got to go.

Um. I'll see

if I can make it.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

♪ Spend their moneys on rings

and everybody's a thief

What do you think

about Captain Ron?

I mean, uh,

I would be

certainly willing to find

someone else if you're

not comfortable with him.

I think it's

important that you're...

No, I think he's fine.

I think he's fine.

I mean, he seems to know

what he's doing.

He was in the Navy.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

What about the

eye thing though?

Oh, honey.

I would never fire

anybody because they

were physically challenged.

No.

Frankly, I admire him.

I mean, really,

when you think about

the way he parked that boat,

it was unbelievable.

I mean,

especially for somebody

with no depth perception

as we know it.

Oh, yeah, you know,

he's... He's good.

♪ Take your bundle

and go, Caroline

♪ I said, take your bundle

and go, Caroline

♪ Because I spend me moneys

on rings

Where is she?

She said she'd meet us

out front.

What time is it?

Would you just trust her?

Hi!

Hi. How was it?

Oh, it was very cool.

I got rain forests and shells.

Let's see.

See, I told you.

Did I not tell you?

I know, it was fun.

Hello!

Hi!

Hi.

Now, you see?

That's very friendly.

That's not

what you get at home.

♪ Tell me where you been

last night, Caroline ♪

I've done

a lot of research,

and I've plotted out our

course for the whole trip.

I know this is

old stuff to you,

having been a helmsman

on an aircraft carrier.

Oh, I just steered

the Sara,

boss.

Don't really navigate.

Hey, swab, you wanna

get me another brewski?

Sure. Hi, Mom.

What I mean is,

you know these waters

pretty well, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

no problem there.

Besides, if we get lost,

we just gotta pull in

somewheres and

ask directions.

You know, Martin,

I've never heard of

most of these places

you have us stopping.

Kate, that's the point

of the whole trip!

This is an adventure.

Who wants to stay in a place

like this every night?

See, and we can visit...

We can visit

sponge fishermen there

and an old monastery here,

fabulous rock formations,

an old Spanish fort.

And then,

if we stay on course

and on schedule,

we'll be there

for Carnival.

Where?

There. San Juan.

Now, that sounds

like fun to me.

- Carnival.

- Yeah.

Where is that again

exactly, boss?

Ah, San Juan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there it is.

I'll just leave this

with you, Captain Ron.

Yeah. That's good, boss.

I'll give her

a good study tonight.

So, I thought

maybe we'd go below.

All of us?

No, just you and me.

Oh. You and me, huh?

Kids?

I think Mom and I

are gonna turn in.

It's only 8:30.

Well, dawn comes early

on a boat. Right, Cap?

Yeah. Right about that, boss!

Happens every morning

just about sunup.

But, you guys can

certainly stay up on deck

for a while if you want.

Maybe play a game

or something.

Hey, now,

there's a hell of an idea.

How about a little

dollar poker?

Oh, Captain Ron, I think

we'll just stick to Monopoly.

It's just... You know.

No, I gotcha.

Come on, swab.

So, what do you think,

baby?

First night

in the boat,

waves lapping

against the hull.

You, me, in our

own floating palace.

Skipper, the palace walls

are kind of thin.

We're not alone.

Aha! Thought about that.

Look at this.

The shower...

And a little

camouflage noise.

What are you doing?

What?

What's with you?

Party at the Dutch consulate.

Nice map.

Nice dress.

If anyone asks,

I went for a walk.

Okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey!

Expensive night.

Well, now that

you got a little coin

in your jeans, swab,

I say we make the game

interesting, huh?

Well, okay.

Ah, let's say 10 cents

equals $100.

Mr. Big Stakes.

What's that sound?

Water pump.

Oh.

Hey, get your

hands off that.

I was just moving it.

I wasn't gonna drink it.

You bet your little bootie

you wasn't.

You want a beer,

you get your own beer.

Mmm. Honey, wait.

Let me adjust the shower

a tiny little bit.

What's that?

A threesome!

A mop!

Don't go nowhere.

Where am I gonna go?

Lucy, I'm home!

Hello.

It suddenly

got crowded again.

It's a little

cramped in here.

Oh, oh, wait.

I dropped

the wash cloth.

I got it.

Just wait a second.

Ouch!

Ow!

I gotta open the door.

I gotta...

Hold on.

Wait a second.

Stuck?

It's stuck.

Hello.

Don't let it go

down the drain!

Oh, it went down the drain.

All right!

B&O Railroad.

That's a buck-twenty-five.

You just have to

turn off the water, honey.

I'm trying

to turn off the water.

This is a piece of junk!

Try to turn it

the other way.

Okay.

Oh, shoot.

What? Did you drop it?

Three houses,

that's 375. That's 37 cents.

Well, that's

half the money I have left.

Eh, shit happens.

Cough it up.

Oh, man.

We're gonna run out of water.

Hang on a second.

Oh, by the way.

You owe me $2.50 for the beer.

- Just calm down.

- I got it.

Oh, God.

Please don't let

my children find me

drowned and naked

in a shower!

There. See?

We're fine. We're fine.

Oh, honey.

Uh, boss?

Yes, Captain Ron?

Uh, shouldn't take

long showers.

Eats up the fresh water.

Thank you

for pointing that out.

Hey, boss?

Yes, Captain Ron?

You know you got

a mop handle wedged up

against the door here?

Yes, I'm...

I'm well aware of that.

Thank you.

I wasn't.

Here, boss,

I'll just take...

No, no!

Oh!

Sorry, boss, I, uh...

No, that's fine.

Oh, I think everything's

under control now,

Captain Ron.

Yeah. I'll give you a hand

cleaning up here.

No, that's okay.

That'll be fine. Thank you.

We're good.

It's a lot of water.

Well, it's a boat.

It'll soak in.

Well, I'll see you

in the morning.

Yes.

Hey, you want me to

close the door here, boss?

Yes! That would be nice.

Thanks.

Oh, God.

Hey!

Whoa!

Hey.

You wouldn't be trying

to cheat Captain Ron,

now, would you, swab?

No, honest.

Uh, what happened?

Nothing.

Playing hide the salami

in the shower.

Oh, come on, man!

Trip log, day five.

At sea.

So far, our adventure

has consisted

of chipping, sanding,

painting and polishing.

But I am happy to report

the boat is starting

to look a lot better.

You know, all you have to

do to make this

look really great

is just

clean up this wood.

Mom, it's all wood.

However,

I do have concerns...

Ow!

...about certain other

aspects of the voyage.

Whoa!

Aw, man!

Dad, sander doesn't work.

Here, I'll fix you up.

Oh, Captain Ron?

Yeah, boss?

Man overboard!

What now?

Could someone

throw me a line?

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm... I'm fine.

Hang on, hang on.

Don't worry, Kitty,

this could happen to anybody.

Hang on, boss.

Always stand clear

of the ladder, boss.

Concern is increasing

about our captain.

He lost our ladder.

Doesn't navigate.

And, in my opinion,

steers badly.

- Jib.

- Jib.

- Staysail.

- Staysail.

- Mainsail.

- Mainsail.

- Mizzenmast.

- Mizzenmast.

- Mizzen boom.

- Mizzen boom.

- Mizzen halyard winch.

- Mizzen halyard winch.

What is this all of a sudden,

Full Metal Jacket?

Honey, you gotta

learn the basics.

And you got

to be prepared.

That's right.

I'm not talking

Boy Scout prepared.

I mean

big-time prepared.

Well, prepared for any kind

of normal accident.

This is

the Caribbean, guys.

El Caribe.

The Spanish Main.

This is the land of

voodoo and hoodoo and

all kind of weird shit.

Whoa! So cool.

Yeah, I think all

we really have to say,

Captain Ron,

is that it's important

to know the fundamentals

and they're not

that hard, right?

Right. Right, any dope

can learn this stuff.

Now, boss. This rigging,

standing or running?

Kitty?

Red running, blue standing.

Standing.

You got it!

I got it!

I got it, I got it.

Come here. Head of the class.

What is it?

All right.

Helm!

The big one up top?

Mainsail!

♪ Well, all right

We're jammin'

Okay, now remember,

when we get the sails up,

you can't go dead

into the wind.

You gotta take her off

a little, right?

Right.

A little this way.

A little that way.

Uh-huh.

A ship's like a woman,

responds to touch.

Power of the wind

in the sails.

Oh, man.

Can you feel that?

Just gotta get

your sea legs.

Now this way.

Try it a little that way.

Yeah.

♪ We're jammin'

♪ To think that jammin'

was a thing of the past

♪ We're jammin' ♪

Caroline, stop whining.

I'm not whining.

I'm complaining.

You guys said

the Caribbean!

I mean, St. Barths

with Mick and Cher,

some kind of Club Med thing,

not scrubbing decks

on the S.S. Minnow.

Honey, really.

I'm not kidding, Mom.

Being a galley slave

holds no appeal to me.

Caroline.

Why can't we take

a Princess Cruise if we want

to be out on the ocean?

Captain Ron?

May I have the camera,

please?

Yeah, sure, boss.

Here, uh, I just, you know,

I saw it down below

and thought I'd take a look.

I didn't use any film though.

Is that right?

Let me tell you something.

This is not a toy.

Okay?

It's a highly complex

piece of equipment.

I can see that, boss.

I mean, there's

all kind of buttons there.

It came with a 64-page

instruction book.

Back in a second.

I've read the entire thing.

Have you?

I don't think so.

Excuse me. Captain Ron,

I was wondering.

Are we gonna be going

to any more, like,

human-type places?

Well, you heard

of Saint Croix?

Yeah!

We're going to the island

just to the left of it.

What's it called?

Ted's!

Ted's?

It happens to have great

historical significance.

Oh, yeah? Probably

a sponge fishermen's

convention there.

Or something more on rocks.

Like we haven't seen

enough rocks!

She's really

a great girl, boss.

Oh, God, no.

Yep, I think you might've

broke this, boss.

I did?

Hey, swab, get me

another brewski!

Day ten.

Sailing lessons continue about

as well as can be expected

under Captain Moron's

direction.

Martin, are you okay?

Don't worry, Kitty,

it could happen to anyone.

Hey, swab.

Come here.

All right. Now,

when you get down there,

grab it,

yank on the line twice,

and I'll pull you...

Ah, never mind, swab.

Listen, you go on

with the boss and

I'll take care of it.

I have to say, guys.

I think this is gonna be

one of the high points

of the trip. I really do.

High points?

This place doesn't even

have a dock!

Yes, but it does have

one of the best examples

of Spanish fortifications

in the entire West Indies.

The cannons, the walls,

they're all still here,

everybody.

Hey, give me

a double bongo bacon burger

and a bongo dog, huh?

Chips, double BB

with bacon and a bongo dog.

- Honey, I don't get it.

- Why are you so upset?

The man took us to

the wrong freaking island.

Martin.

Oh, I mean, come on.

Everybody makes mistakes.

He's human.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Hey, kids, what do you say

we make the best of this

and explore the island?

Dad, I just ordered

my chili fries.

How much

for the hat?

Three bucks.

All right, looky there. See?

Everything's fine.

Honey, the kids are happy.

Captain Ron's taking us out

to lunch to make up for it.

Let's just get

something to eat, okay?

Katherine, Katherine,

I have worked very,

very hard to plan

a spontaneous adventure,

and Captain Contagious over

there is screwing it up.

Throw some music

on that jukebox, huh?

Hey, boss!

If you're going back,

stay on the path.

You know,

there's guerrillas

in these woods.

Gorillas? Too cool.

Ben, honey,

there are no gorillas,

not here.

Oh, yeah,

there is, boss.

Sorry, Captain Ron,

gorillas are native

to equatorial Africa.

Okay? No gorillas.

Not here. No way.

Honey, honey,

stay on the path, okay?

Now he's got her

buying it. Unbelievable.

I think he's got

an attitude problem about you.

Who, the boss?

Nah! We're like this.

Well, I don't know.

Some people do

get jealous of me.

There's the Navy thing.

Hey. Mambo.

How about it, babe?

Forget it. I can't dance

to this junk. Nobody can.

No?

Check this out.

Come on, Kitty.

You know how to move to this.

Oh, I can't dance in these

rubber boat shoes.

Well, kick 'em off!

"Stay on the path, boss.

There's gorillas

in the woods."

Like I don't watch

National Geographic

every week.

All right, Kitty! Yeah!

Martin and I used to go

dancing all the time.

It shows.

If I find a single gorilla

anywhere around here,

I'll eat it.

Gorillas. Right.

Mmm-hmm.

He could've said

"revolutionaries,"

"freedom fighters." No.

Gorillas.

He did it on purpose.

You can see it in his eyes.

Excuse me, his eye!

Martin, he'll hear you.

Let him hear me.

You know, he did

convince them to let you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot.

We're dealing with

a true humanitarian.

Let me see,

there's Terry Waite,

Desmond Tutu

and Captain Ron.

Pretty much

the big three.

Hey, boss, I just

wanted to tell you...

Oh.

A little more

dry rot here, huh?

Ah, don't worry about it.

Listen, I fixed that

winch handle you busted

the other day,

so try and be a little

more careful with it

next time, all right?

Hey! What are you

holding in your hand?

Winch drum.

That's my girl!

Honey,

don't start anything.

I'm just going down to get

a bigger screwdriver.

That's it.

What difference

does it make?

I'm sick of being

the thimble.

Well, I'm the top hat,

so you can't be that.

Be the battleship.

I'm the battleship.

What's this?

Monopoly.

No, this.

Two .45s

and a MAC-10.

It's his total

macho trip, Dad.

Just ignore it.

Where'd they come from?

Captain Ron traded

the guerrillas for 'em.

Yeah, I thought we got

to have them, boss,

'cause, you know,

we're getting into

pirate waters here

pretty quick.

What pirates?

Pirates of the Caribbean.

Been to Disney World

one too many times,

have we, Captain Ron?

It's true, Dad.

They come up on you

in high-speed boats.

You know, I don't

believe I've ever

been to Disney World.

Oh, really?

I've been to Dollywood.

You guys are making me

lose count!

All right,

all right, all right.

We are not having guns

on this boat.

Dad, we got to be able

to fight off the pirates.

Yeah, if we don't, you know,

they could steal the boat.

There are no pirates

of the Caribbean.

I don't know, Dad.

That's what you said

about the guerrillas.

And I was right.

He said gorilla,

not guerrilla.

Guer. Go.

Huge difference, kids.

Huge difference.

What was that?

Automatic weapons,

Katherine.

How about that?

Captain Ron thought

we ought to have them

to hold off,

and get this, pirates.

Pirates?

Yeah. He actually traded...

Hold on.

Captain Ron?

Yeah, boss?

What pirates?

Hold on, baby, please.

What did you trade

for those guns?

Well, now,

there's the beauty of it.

Nothing, nada.

See, they needed a lift

into San Juan,

and since we was

heading there

tomorrow anyway...

Look, this is my boat.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

We aren't giving anyone

a lift, especially a bunch

of armed revolutionaries.

Whatever you say, boss.

I'll just give 'em

the guns back and the

whole thing will be off.

Is there a problem?

All right, fellas, come on,

Give me a break here,

will you? Sit down!

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus!

Stand by to set

the mainsail!

Here we go.

All right. Set the mainsail!

Hey, babe,

don't just stand there

watching them do it,

jump up there

and guide those lines!

Okay, okay.

Careful.

Honey, be careful.

Got it, Mom.

Try to control

your excitement, Caroline.

I love her show

of enthusiasm,

don't you?

Wait, wait, it's not

even hanked on.

Hang on, now, wait.

Come here. Come here.

All right, keep us

on a heading of 2-7-0.

God damn it.

Come on, you guys.

You've been through this.

Doesn't take three to do this!

What?

Babe, get on that winch.

Boss, come up here with me.

Yeah, okay.

Ease off on that winch.

Be careful with that.

Yeah.

- Let her up, let her up!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on up here, boss.

Give me a hand.

All right there,

bring it down,

bring it down.

I'm telling you.

Gotta get these son

of a bitches hanked on here.

Okay.

Not gonna do any good

floating out there

in the breeze.

Yeah. Oh! I'm sorry.

Hold on.

- No, no. Mom, it goes this way.

- We're all set up. Take it up.

- Today, guys!

- Sorry, sorry.

Wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa! Hey!

Ow, my hand.

Come around

the other side.

You gotta come

around here, boss!

Watch what I'm doing here now.

All right, take it up.

All right. Hey!

Now, you wanna go below,

and cut the engines,

kill the fuel lines?

Ready?

Yeah. There you go.

All right, guys.

Vamonos al frente.

Give these guys

some room to work.

Kitty, babe, come on up here

and jump on this mizzenmast.

Atta boy, swab.

Mmm.

Sails nice.

Yes.

See what I'm

talking about?

All right, Mom!

Day 17 finds me

in the clutches

of revolutionaries,

and my family

in the clutches

of Captain Ron.

Next stop,

Carnival in San Juan,

or so we thought.

Look, guys,

you gotta believe me.

You have not been kidnapped.

Captain Ron is a jerk.

He gets lost.

This is his second time

in two days.

So...

Of course, they don't

understand English.

I don't speak Spanish.

So, obviously communications

are gonna be a hair thick.

Well, everything's

cool, boss.

It's like I told you,

you know.

We get lost, all we

gotta do is ask.

What?

Yeah, well, San Juan.

It's behind us about 20 miles.

But, you know, hey, listen.

The good news is

that General Armando

hardly blames you at all.

You know,

I explained it to him.

It's the tides, man.

They can either work for you

or they can

work against you.

Hey!

I don't think

she's waving at you,

Captain Ron.

She's not?

I sincerely doubt it.

Hey, Clarice!

Babe, who you

waving at?

Yeah, thought so.

You know, the second

I saw Clarice,

I knew where we was...

'Cause, you know,

confidentially

I've had these problems

with the tides before.

I'm coming!

You know, every time

I'm up this way,

she, uh, well,

she wants my manhood,

you know?

It's... It's...

Hey, have a good time, boss,

'cause I'm gonna.

Hang on.

I'm coming.

Hey, got you!

Hey, come here.

Put on a pound or two, huh?

Yeah, but in all

the right places.

Whoa!

No, just

rise above it, Marty.

Besides,

you'll probably miss

and hit the girl.

- Dad!

- Don't sneak up on me like that!

Dad, it went

through the deck!

- Dad, the boat's on fire.

- Dad, the boat's on fire!

Mom!

Mom!

Help!

Oh!

Mom!

Dad set

the boat on fire!

The boat's burning up!

Help, anybody!

Help!

Martin,

what happened, honey?

Are you all right?

What makes you think

I'm not all right?

Still there?

Well,

I have to say, this was

worth getting lost for.

This is absolutely gorgeous!

Ah!

I just wish that you

could see it, honey.

I can see it.

I just have these,

you know, spots.

Sweetie, ouch!

Oh!

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine. It's...

What about Captain Ron?

Can we talk about him?

I don't see how we can

get rid of him. I mean,

who's gonna drive the boat?

I can drive the boat, Kate.

You know, I mean,

the Doctor says that

by tomorrow, my retinas

will be absolutely fine.

Well, I think we should

wait until tomorrow.

We'll be in San Juan,

back in civilization.

We can sit down

and figure out

what to do, right?

Tree.

Thank you.

You know, I have to admit

I was against all this,

but getting those

sails up this afternoon

was quite a rush!

For all of us!

And today,

I discovered something

in the cabin.

I could show it to you

if you want.

Uh, the American girls

are very...

What's the word?

Superficial?

Yeah. God,

I really hate that.

Mmm-hmm.

'Cause, like, I'm into

different cultures

and different ways

of doing things.

Like watching Mr. Ed

on TV the other day,

and he's speaking

French or something.

It was like, wow!

He speaks French!

That is so cool.

All right, General,

you're up.

Aha.

Aha!

Boardwalk with three hotels,

that's $6,000.

A penny to the dollar,

that's $60 U.S.

Diselo.

The General says

that's all the money he has.

Tell the General,

"Shit happens.

Cough it up."

It's not like

I hate the guy,

you know, honey?

I mean,

I don't hate anybody.

I can't wait for you

to see this.

It's so amazing.

What?

Come here.

Look here.

Mom, can we

get some drinks?

Yes, honey,

they're in the...

Blue cooler.

Okay?

I couldn't...

Uh, could you

get 'em for us?

Honey, you're a big boy.

You can get 'em. Mommy

and Daddy are busy. Okay?

I found this while

i was strip...

Stripping these

cabinets down here.

Look here.

Here.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, that is...

That's great.

Honey.

Oh, your poor eyes.

Come here.

Here, feel.

"C. G.

"plus C.L."

Yeah.

C...

Can you believe it?

C...

Didn't your uncle

buy this boat from

the Clark Gable estate?

Yeah.

Well, it's Clark Gable

plus Carol Lombard.

That is great! Great!

Honey, think about it.

Gable and Lombard

in this bed!

Oh, honey, with those

cute little cherub guys

up there and everything.

Isn't it just so amazing?

And the ocean outside.

It's like

the most romantic thing

I've ever imagined.

Well, once we get

to San Juan, no more

Captain Ron, right?

Whatever you say,

honey.

Hey, who's rocking

the boat down there?

God!

It's the dawn of a new day!

Charged by the best sex

that we've had

in, I would say,

at least three years anyway,

if you don't count

that one time in the car,

and the knowledge

that Captain Ron is about

to leave our lives forever,

I feel great!

Ah! Yes.

♪ I am a man

A seagoing man

♪ And I've got

a big, big, big, big... ♪

Honey, let's not forget

we have guests on the boat,

if you know

what I mean.

Hi, how's it going? Hi!

Buenos dias.

Hi there.

Good seeing you.

And como estas?

How you doing, guys?

Good to see you.

Right over there.

Good morning,

boss!

You know, I, uh,

spent the night ashore

'cause I figured the boat

might be a little crowded.

Oh, that's mighty

nice of you!

Let me ask you something.

How long is it gonna take us

to get to San Juan?

About four

or five hours, tops.

And you're sure

you know the way?

Oh, yeah, no problem there.

Any fool could find it.

Well, let's hope so,

huh?

Ah, don't worry, boss.

It's just a little squall.

They come on you fast,

and they

leave you fast.

Okay, we have

enough life preservers...

Whoa! Whoa!

For each and every person,

so don't panic.

Whoa! Whoa!

Make sure they're

fastened properly.

All right.

Here's an example.

This tie model.

They highly recommend a bow.

No hard knot, honey.

You'll never get that undone.

Listen, everybody.

Now, nobody should

worry about this.

It's just

a little squall.

You know,

they come on you fast

and they leave fast.

Blub-blub-blub.

Oh, no, no, no!

No, no, no

blub-blub-blub.

No hundir.

No

hundir.

We're not going to sink!

You folks don't wanna be

down here if she starts

to break up.

Mom, my glasses broke

and the lens fell out.

Honey, don't worry

about your glasses.

Just stay down there

and hold on tight,

okay?

Honey, hold on!

There's no need to panic.

We know where we are.

We've got our compass

and we've got our chart.

You're right about that, boss.

I've got it right here.

Hang on.

Hang on.

It's okay.

It's okay.

We still have

our compass.

The only instrument

that Columbus had to

get him to the new world

was his trusty compass.

Oh, don't lose that!

Hang on a second.

Go ahead! Go ahead!

Grab onto that line!

All right, everybody,

listen to me.

Listen to me!

Yes.

The boss is right.

We should be okay,

'cause I know

we're near land.

Great, Captain, great!

Do you hear that?

We're almost there!

Explain to the kids how you

know that, Captain Ron.

All right.

Someone translate

for General Armando.

Si, yo.

All right.

Now stay with me.

Yeah, yeah.

When we left,

we had just enough fuel

to make it to San Juan,

and we are out of fuel!

Oh man, he's gone

stark crazy.

I've seen this before.

Somebody grab

his tongue.

Shove a stick

in his mouth. Anything!

I see something!

Lights!

Oh look!

Look, it's land!

Honey, look!

Look!

Day 20.

Survived storm at sea.

Captain Ron is proving

to be more cunning

than originally suspected.

Honey, I just don't think

we can fire him now,

because he got us

through the storm.

Katherine, he almost got us

killed in that storm!

I'm sorry. I didn't

mean to yell at you.

I really... It's just that...

See, you don't totally

understand, I don't think.

He's eating my brain!

Okay?

He's taking over

our lives.

Honey, you're exaggerating.

You really are.

Hey, look who I found

dancing with all

the pretty girls.

Ah, Dad, this is great.

Ben, you don't have

to wear those glasses.

I really don't mind.

Honey, you know what?

Let's not wear 'em. Okay?

No, Mom, I'm fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Kitty's right, swab.

You know, in major ports,

I go without the patch myself

on account

it puts some people off.

I don't like to draw

attention to myself,

so I lose it.

You know, I got

news for you, Ron.

If I had a hand mirror

right now, and you

could get a load of...

Caroline, come over here.

Whoa!

That was so cool!

Great! Okay. Let's take

a walk, shall we?

Now, you kids keep up.

Okay. come on, let's go.

Hi.

Yes, I will,

in fact, admit

that I think Captain Ron's

a little rough

around the edges.

No, no, no.

Honey, he is a psycho!

Well, you say psycho. I...

I mean, what does that mean?

Swab, help me out.

I lost my eye!

Do you see it?

There it goes!

I love this.

I love it!

I mean, think of it.

This is an experience

of a lifetime!

Hang on! Hang on!

There it is! There it is!

Excuse me.

- Will you please back off?

- I lost my eye, man.

And, honey,

Caroline hasn't once

mentioned being engaged.

And Ben...

Yeah, Ben. Let me tell you

something about Ben.

I wanted this to be

a fantastic bonding

experience

for the two of us,

father and son.

Now, he's bonding all right.

He's bonding with

Captain Cyclops back there.

Honey, he's such

a character!

Honey, where are

the kids?

They're there.

They're... Ben!

They were right there.

Caroline!

Benjamin!

Sorry. Caroline!

Benjamin!

Ben!

Katherine!

Did you find them?

What? No. No.

Come on, forget it.

Come on, get up.

It never did fit, anyway.

Guess you gotta get 'em

custom-made.

Hey, where's

Mom and Dad?

I'm just saying,

I don't think

it was smart

to mention that we

brought revolutionaries

onto the island.

I'm not trying

to start a fight.

It's just my opinion.

I was just trying

to impress upon them

the kind of person

I think Captain Ron is.

That's all.

Mr. And Mrs. Harvey?

I'm Bill Zachery from

the U.S. State Department.

I've got good news for you.

Oh, you found our children.

No, but you're not being

charged with subversion.

Hey, there's a break.

But you are being expelled

from the island.

What? When?

Now.

What in the Sam Hill

is going on?

Caroline!

Hi! You guys are

back early, huh?

What are you doing?

The meringue.

Honey, where is your brother?

Oh. he's around here

someplace.

You guys! See, it was

Captain Ron's idea.

He didn't want us wandering

around in the street

'cause he said

something might happen.

So we found this band

and these people and

we just had a party.

Honey, we thought

you were in some kind

of trouble or something.

We were worried sick

the whole time

we were in jail.

You guys were in jail?

Just don't worry

about jail, okay?

It's a long story.

Who's this guy?

This is Mamba.

Oh, he doesn't speak

a lot of English,

but he's really cute.

And he's a local artist,

and Mom, Dad guess what.

Don't tell me.

You're engaged?

Right?

No, I didn't get engaged!

Come on.

I got tattooed.

What?

Mamba did it. It's, like,

this cool little rose.

Are you saying...

Honey, where did you

get this tattoo?

At Mamba's shop.

No, I mean,

where on your body?

Mom,

it's kind of private.

You let a guy

with a spider on his head

tattoo you someplace

"kind of private"?

Dreadlocks, Daddy!

Well, you know, Dad,

things could be a lot worse.

How?

Hey, what happened

to the music?

Uh-oh. Coming through.

'Scuse me, beep-beep.

- Sweetie!

- Come back here!

Excuse me. 'Scuse me, folks.

Ben!

Honey!

Ben!

Whoa!

Ben!

Whoa! You hurt?

See, I told you not

to leave those bottles

laying around!

You cretin!

Angeline's no cretin, boss.

She's a Puerto Rican.

I'm not talking to Angeline.

We're just playing

a game, Dad.

- Strip Monopoly.

- What?

Well, that's just because

we ran out of money, see.

I mean, she is

kicking our ass here, right?

Where's Ben?

He went that way.

Don't hide

from me, sweetie.

You tattooed my kids.

Who is this guy? Already

I don't like him a lot.

Dad, it's fake.

It washes off.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Caroline's is fake too?

No, that's real, boss.

That's primo work.

You're fired.

Boss!

Boss, wait a minute.

Come on, let's at least

have a dialog here,

boss, huh?

Captain Ron,

I'm really sorry.

But really,

giving the children beer,

and bringing

that woman around!

We just can't have it.

- Angeline's okay.

- Roscoe's the jerk.

Yeah, we saw Roscoe

on our way in.

And you'll be seeing him

again, man, if I don't

get paid $500.

For what?

She had Park Place

with three hotels, Dad.

Okay, let's go.

Hang on. Just curb it

a second, will you?

Look, boss... Former boss,

what can I tell you, man?

The woman had a system.

All right? I didn't get it

figured out till just before

you guys got back.

Now, if you let us back

in that game,

I'm completely positive

we can whittle that

down some.

You whittle yourself

out of my life, okay?

And, you,

Miss Park Place,

tell Roscoe you're

not getting Jack!

I wouldn't do that, boss.

Well, I would.

You're outta here. Beat it!

Get your tattoo

back on that boat!

Daddy, you're embarrassing me.

I'll do more than that

if you don't get going.

Move!

Caroline.

Oh, man.

Well, you know,

it'll take some time

to get over this.

But we'll get by somehow,

we always do.

I didn't think

we would survive this.

- Don't worry, baby.

- In a couple days,

we'll be in Florida,

we'll sell this stupid thing

and go home.

We'll just forget

about the whole thing.

You know, it's something

that seemed like

a good idea at one time.

Martin? Martin,

you know that Roscoe man?

Honey.

The pirates

of the Caribbean!

What?

Oh, no.

So, think we'll ever

see our boat again?

Hey, guys, hurry!

Wake up.

What? Sharks!

What? What?

We're gonna die!

No, land!

What?

Where?

Paddle, everyone.

We're gonna live!

Okay.

Okay.

It's land! It's land!

Honey.

Ooh!

Oh, Dad!

Sorry!

This is so heavy.

Whoa!

Where is it?

Honey, I don't care

where it is. It's dry land.

Yeah!

Let's find

a hotel.

Okay, now.

First things first. Okay.

Just calm down, stay here.

I'm gonna find out

exactly where we are. Okay?

Now, in five-and-a-half

hours, the stores open,

we can get some clean,

dry clothes.

So, in the meantime,

I want everyone to dry off

as best they can.

Back to the raft!

Back to the raft!

What?

Go, get in the raft.

Just get in, get in.

Back to the raft!

Martin, what is it?

Prohibit to pass.

Look, let's just go to

the most important part

of the sign, shall we?

Cuba.

We're in Cuba?

Wouldn't you just

know it?

What's so bad about Cuba?

Yeah, I agree with Caroline.

- It's land.

- Yeah.

You're now agreeing

with someone whose world view

is based on

I Love Lucy reruns.

The world's changed a lot

since Ricky Ricardo. Trust me.

Honey, they did

the Today

show in Cuba.

Oh, well, then let's just

get some cigars and relax.

You don't have

to be sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm just saying

it's better that we're here.

If it's safe enough

for the Today

show,

it's safe enough for us.

Now, listen.

This is a communist country.

Since the breakup

of the Soviet Union,

there's tension

everywhere.

Dad!

Martin?

Is it possible

that we've been

drifting for 16 hours,

and we've ended up

in the same spot

as our boat?

Isn't that

a little odd?

Relatively

speaking, no.

Relative to what?

To the fact that

the last three...

Hey!

Creeps,

stay outta my...

What are you doing?

Stop, Caroline!

Good one, Caroline.

Be quiet!

Everyone, be quiet!

All right.

Now, what are we gonna do?

What can we do?

The sun is almost up.

We're in an

unfriendly country.

We have no money, no passport,

no reasonable explanation

for even being here.

Well, we've got our boat.

No, no, honey,

I think if you look,

you'll notice

the pirates have our boat.

You know what?

It's still our boat.

We cleaned the stupid thing.

We sailed it. It's ours.

What do you expect us to do?

Well, honey, I think she

expects us to get it back.

Think about it, Katherine.

Bloodthirsty,

heavily-armed pirates

against the Harvey family.

Guys, it would

take a miracle.

Yeah!

- It's Captain Ron!

- All right, get in.

What the hell are you doing?

Creating a diversion

so I can rescue you.

We don't need you

to rescue us.

Honey, I think we do.

Get in! Get in! Hurry!

Pirates, just like

you said, Captain Ron.

Yeah. Pirates are easy.

It's the Cuban cops

you gotta worry about.

Grand theft auto

is a major biggie

around here.

- Grand theft auto?

You stole

this car?

Borrowed it, boss.

Are there seat belts?

How'd you know

where to find us, Captain Ron?

Didn't.

You just got lucky.

That's your opinion.

Huh?

What happened?

All right, you fire up

the boat, boss.

I'll take 'em around again

and ditch the pirates!

No!

Honey,

we'll be right back!

Oh!

Ow!

Sh... Come on.

Watch this!

You jerks!

That was so cool.

You totally faked

those guys out.

I'm really glad you're back,

Captain Ron.

And I'm there for you, swab.

Dad, he tries, but he

usually screws things up.

Not like you.

Lighten up.

You know, Dad does

the best he can.

I mean, it's not

his fault that...

Start!

I hate you.

I hate everything about you,

you stupid, ugly-looking...

All right, everybody

grab their shit!

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, no, he hasn't

gotten it started yet.

Hang on. Hang on a second.

Mom?

Uh, you guys

wait here a minute,

and I'll see if I can

give him a hand.

Come on.

It'll be okay.

Oh! Kids!

Oh, shit.

Come on!

On the top, quick!

Ben, get down

and stay down.

Okay.

Hurry,

up on the bow.

Mom, slack off.

Look!

Okay,

all aboard!

Yes! Good!

Off we go.

Sorry, boss.

Fell. I think

I broke my leg.

Dad, help! Dad!

Dad, help! Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad, over there!

Whoa!

Wow!

Look, Mom!

Did you see that?

Well, just don't sit there.

Someone pull me in, come on.

Kids, grab the main sheet!

Bring him in!

- Caroline, come on!

- Hold on, Dad!

We gotcha, Dad.

We gotcha.

Hold on.

A couple more feet,

then you're here, Dad.

Pull me in. Okay.

Okay, come on.

All right!

Oh, Dad!

That was the coolest thing

I've ever seen.

You say that now!

Okay, just tie this up, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Ben, grab the line.

Martin,

are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

Captain Ron broke

his leg, though, I think.

What? Oh.

I'm serious.

Better go see.

Yay, Dad!

Yay, Ben!

Kitty, that's all right.

I'm...

Stupid pirates.

Who do they think

they are, anyway?

I just wish we

had it all on video.

Oh, Daddy.

That's a good idea.

We'll do that.

Okay, okay.

That was so cool!

Did you show

those guys or what?

You know about

broken bones, huh?

Yeah.

I took a Red Cross

first aid course.

It shows.

Yeah.

All right, here.

All right, now,

we're gonna get a splint.

Oh, shoot! I was supposed

to do the splint first.

That's all right.

All right, kids.

Nothing can stop us now.

You go tell the boss there's

a small island out there.

All right? Los Palominos.

It's on the chart.

Okay.

All we gotta do

is get there,

everything's Jake.

We're out

of Cuban waters.

Do you

smell something?

Dad, what's that?

Oh, my God!

Martin?

Okay, okay, now, hold on.

Not much point,

boss.

Bearings just burned out.

Well, what does that mean?

It means I forgot

to fill it with oil.

Well, what do we do?

There's gotta be

something.

Well, Captain Ron can we...

Not this time, swab.

I'm kind of

out of action here.

Bone's about to punch

through the skin.

Boss, them pirate guys

usually don't like to lose.

It's an honor

kind of a deal with them.

Mr. Harvey,

I crossed these guys

once before.

And they can get to be

a little... Little messy,

you know what I mean?

Okay, on deck.

We're gonna get

the sails up.

Dad, we don't... Yes.

You wanna save

this boat or not?

Then let's go.

Okay. You heard your father.

Come on. Move it, quick.

Yeah! That's more like it.

Now you're talking!

You can do it, mates!

I've never seen such sailors,

not in all my born days,

I ain't.

Naturals!

By God, everyone

of you's naturals.

We're gonna fucking die.

Okay, you all know

what to do.

Man!

Caroline,

get the gaskets!

Yeah.

All right, Katherine,

on the mizzenmast.

Ben, tail the main sheet.

I got the staysail.

Go, Katy, go!

We're too far

into the wind.

We gotta

bring her around.

Okay.

Caroline, come here!

Right. Sorry.

Go! Pull back.

Mayday!

Mayday! Mayday!

- Pull!

- I'm trying.

Come on,

you're a tough babe.

You've got a tattoo.

Dad, it's just

a little tattoo.

Well, then,

be a little tough, then.

Hey, Guantanamo,

wake up!

Atta boy, boss.

You got the wind now!

Okay.

Okay.

All right,

go, go, go.

I got it.

Just hang on.

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, got it.

Got it?

Yeah!

Wow!

It's awesome, Dad.

Dad!

Maybe it's nobody.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey, come on, man.

We're doing our job out here.

You guys do yours.

These people

are taxpayers.

Oh, geez! Gunplay!

Let's go.

What are you, born stupid?

Stay down!

Stay calm.

They're not gonna shoot

at me and my family!

What are you doing?

You blew a hole in our boat

with this, and I'm gonna blow

a hole in their boat!

Fellas, this is a serious call

for help out here!

That's different.

We have dry rot.

Hey, there are children

on this boat!

We have had enough...

Whoa!

Mom's pissed!

...of you!

Huh?

Huh?

How much did you pay

for this thing?

Mom! Mom!

Over there!

Look! Look!

What's that?

That's the U.S. Coast Guard!

We're the Harvey family.

We're from Chicago.

I'll try to get them

on the radio before

they start shooting at us.

We're Americans!

All right, Coast Guard!

Kick ass!

Hey!

Uh, leg feels

a lot better now, boss.

Yeah, I've always

been a fast healer.

You know. Of course,

I believe in Jesus,

so that helps.

U.S. Coast Guard cutter

Daniel Peerman

calling 60-foot catch

off Los Palominos Island.

Come in, please.

This is the Wanderer.

Go ahead.

Commander L. W. Morgan

sends his greetings, sir.

May we speak with

the Captain, please?

May we speak with

the Captain, please?

Over.

That's you, boss.

You're the captain now.

Day 30, new log,

old log having fallen

into the hands of the

pirates of the Caribbean.

We said goodbye

to Captain Ron today.

He hadn't been

in the States for seven years.

Something about

the statute of limitations.

I didn't ask questions.

He kept his promise

to Ben, promoting him

from swab to mate.

You're a mate now.

Bye, Captain Ron.

He traded hair-grooming tips

with Caroline.

We're gonna miss you.

And he kissed Katherine.

In fact, I think

he French-kissed her.

You're a lucky man,

boss.

Then, as suddenly

and as mysteriously as

he'd come into our lives...

Captain Ron!

...he was gone,

and our adventure

was over.

Come here.

Got that Harvey boat

coming in a few minutes.

As soon as we sign

the papers, I wanna

pull it outta the water.

You want it surveyed?

Nah,

it's a piece of junk.

It's been stripped.

The engine's had it.

In fact, set her down

back there,

and we'll cut her up

for scrap next week.

Salvage what we can.

Got it? Good.

Patti, let's go.

Just think, guys.

Tomorrow at this time,

we're gonna be home.

Yes.

Well, the way I look at it,

we can do one of two things.

Sell the boat,

go back to Chicago,

get back in our old routine,

or don't!

Okay, coming about!

Good going!

Hey! Hey!

Where you going?

Outta the way.

Here comes the Harvey family!

Hey, over here!

Hey, where we going?

Where we going,

skipper?

I don't know.

But if we get lost,

we'll just pull in somewheres

and ask directions.

Oh, boy.

Look at that,

Barbara.

You think we'll ever

be able to do that?

Yeah, sure you will,

boss.

I guarantee it.

All right, Babs,

let's light the fires

and kick the tires, huh?

Uh, hey.

Push that back.

Hang on a second.

Whoa!

Looks like you forgot

to cast off there, boss.

That's okay.

It could happen to anybody.

Listen, we just thought

we'd check the boat out

today, you know.

You know, 'cause we

just got it yesterday.

Ah, don't worry.

Best thing to do

is get her out

on the ocean, boss.

Anything that's gonna happen

is gonna happen out there,

right, Babs?

Yeah. Yeah, listen.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Yeah, well, just

take it easy 'cause there's

a lot of boats out there!

Ah, don't worry about it.

They'll get out of our way,

believe me.

I learned that

driving the Saratoga.