Captain Newman, M.D. (1963) - full transcript

Nurse!

Will you call psycho ward
and tell Captain Newman

his lousy flock's
on the loose again?

Okay!

Let's go.

Hendricks will drop
your bag off at the BOQ.

Thanks, Captain.
Sure.

Six copies, please.
Colonel Larrabee, please.

I'm Lieutenant Alderson.

I'm Larrabee, Lieutenant.

Air Surgeon's Office
wired you were coming.



Come on in.

Larrabee.
Sir?

Who the devil's in charge
of this hospital?

You or Dr. Newman?

His Ward 7's got the
lowest return-to-duty rate

in the entire Area Command.

Psychosis, he says.
Neuroses!

Psychogenic syndrome!

Colonel Pyser, base commander.

And a prize...

Why don't you take a look around,
Lieutenant, and come back later?

All right.

Admission's free.
Come on in.

What's on your mind, Lieutenant?



Nothing, sir.

That's dandy,
but hardly plausible.

Have a chair.

Thank you, sir.

Well, how do you feel?

Quite well, sir.

How do you feel?

Okay. Okay, let's play games.

Are you under the impression
I'm here as a patient?

Well, aren't you?

Why, certainly not.
I'm Lieutenant Alderson,

Air Surgeon's Office,
Statistical Section.

Well, what do you
know about that?

And here I was, making a
brilliant spot diagnosis.

Guarded, a little tense,
nice party manners,

not quite so secure
as you'd like me to think.

Statistical Section?
Sit down.

We're making a survey of the
capacity of stateside base hospitals

to handle the flow of
overseas casualties.

Well, that's quite
a mouthful for a report

you could write
on a cigarette paper.

We're short of beds, doctors,
orderlies, nurses, everything.

Except patients.

Particularly in your field.

Our charts show an alarming
increase in neuropsychiatric cases.

Far beyond the norm.

How do you data demons
determine a norm?

Well, sir, we have
facts and figures and...

Yes, Gavoni?
Haskell's hallucinating again.

He's under his bed
fighting the Japanese,

yelling and screaming
he wants to go home.

Does he have a favorite in food?

Chocolate malts.

Well, then, you get him a nice,
big chocolate malt with cookies.

Put it on the floor near his
bed where he can see it.

Tell him he'll hurt my feelings

if he isn't back in his bed
by the time I come round.

Roger!
Roger.

We say Roger quite
a bit around here.

Makes us feel like heroes.

Why don't you loosen your
tie before you suffocate?

Sir, our charts show...

You can forget
about that "sir."

My first name is Joe.
What's yours?

Belden.

What?

Belden.

Is that what your friends
actually call you? Belden?

No, my friends call me Barney.

Congratulations!
You've got fine friends.

Now, about that alarming increase in N.P.
cases, Barney,

here's the reason why.

Now, during the first
18 months of the war,

the files were almost empty.

So was Ward 7.

In those days, these men
weren't considered to be sick.

Some tossed their cookies
every time they had to go up.

Some of them had nightmares.

Some of them shook so hard they
couldn't even hold a spoon.

But they went up!

No mollycoddling
in the Air Corps.

No, sirree!

You couldn't convince anyone
that these were symptoms!

Symptoms!

And that a symptom is a red flag

with danger written all over it.

Now you wouldn't think
it'd take much brains

to comprehend that, would you?

So acute anxiety cases
were sent into combat,

and sooner or later,
they began to crack up.

Now they're streaming back
from Europe, from Africa,

from the Pacific.

And when we do get them, we get six
weeks to get them back into duty,

discharge them or send them
to a permanent hospital.

And every time I hold a man
over, all hell breaks loose.

Excuse me, Captain.

What do you say, Blodgett?
Time for morning rounds.

Well, all right.
Roger.

You ever been inside
of a psychiatric ward?

Well, no...
Come on. You're invited.

Hey, Doc.

A new man checked in
around 9:30 this morning.

Violent?
No, he's not a patient.

He's a hospital orderly.
What? Where?

Well, right now he's on his way
to administration to report in.

He's scheduled for Ward 4.

A mere detail.

Now look, you promise him
girls, furloughs, anything.

Wrap him in cotton wool
and deliver him to my office.

Roger.

We had to put
Miller in wet packs.

That major in 4G became pretty
violent around 4:00 p.m.

And Wilkinson made that
phone call to his father.

If you're a member of the club,

it means sodium
pentothal treatment.

Newman!

Excuse me.

Colonel?

Captain Newman.

This report of yours
on Colonel Bliss,

that the only basis
you have for grounding him?

Yes, sir.

Because of a trivial incident at
the Officers' Club last night?

Well, I don't recall using the word
"trivial" anywhere in there, Colonel.

Come now, Newman.

He chewed out a second lieutenant
for spilling his drink.

So what? He apologized to him
a moment later, didn't he?

Yes, sir.
And he apologized again

and again and again,

until the lieutenant, in sheer
embarrassment, had to leave the place.

His behavior was out of
proportion, to my mind...

I know, I know. Symptomatic
of mental disturbance.

Quote, unquote.

You're bound and determined
to get Colonel Bliss

into that Sunny brook Farm
of yours, aren't you?

Well, you're not.

Because he doesn't belong with
your prize collection of oddballs,

malingerers
and yellow-bellies

who get themselves a rest cure

by coming to you with
a cock-and-bull story

about how they get the sweats every
time they think of home and mother.

Colonel, every man
in Ward 7 is sick.

I think that Colonel
Bliss may be sick, too.

You think he may be sick?

I'm sorry I can't
be more specific,

but the kind of
sickness we deal with

doesn't show up in
X-rays or fluoroscopes.

It shows up in behavior.

Colonel Bliss is one of the
most brilliant tacticians

fighting the air war
in the Pacific.

And he's needed back
at his command!

Well, if he is unstable, he
shouldn't be back at his command.

The lives of too many men
depend on his judgment.

Larrabee.
Sir.

I'm ordering a special medical
hearing for Colonel Bliss.

I don't want Captain Newman present or
anyone influenced by Captain Newman.

Just stay close to me, Barney.

Try to look as if
it's all old stuff.

Rise and shine, men.
Bombs away. He's in.

Captain
Flak Juice rides again!

* Captain Flak Juice came to
town with Blodgett and Gavoni

* Stuck a patient you know
where and called it macaroni

* Step right up
and get your shot...

* It will hurt an awful lot

* 'Cause we say baloney

You guys seem a bit
depressed this morning.

Let's hear it
for Captain Newman.

One of these days you guys
are gonna drive me nuts.

Gentlemen, prepare
for morning rounds.

Well, Arthur, how's everything?

Patient slept fine. Appetite
good, digestion marvelous,

drainage system sensational.

Arthur Werbel,
ready for discharge, sir.

But he ain't moving an inch out
of this beautiful bed, Doc,

because he's got it
made. Made.

You can say that again, sailor.

But you're gonna have to
develop some symptoms.

Now, how can I keep you in here

unless you show me
some symptoms?

Well, symptoms... You describe
them, I'll develop them.

I got talent, Doc. Look.

Oh, gee. Oh, Doc.

Right here in the gut,
they got me.

Oh, I'm dying.

Blodgie. Blodgie, give me
a kiss before I kick off.

Now, that alone proves
I'm off my rocker. Right?

Wouldn't fool an intern in Ward 2.
You know how dumb they are.

They got me in the back, Doc.

I'm burning up.
Oh, Doc. I'm dying.

No, don't touch that.

Drop dead, buster!

No jerk is getting
this hat off my head!

I'm getting out of here, see.

I'm busting out of here and
heading for the Navy to be

with my brother Frank.

Frank is my brother!

Who's helping him, huh?
Who's looking after him?

Now take it easy, sailor.

In a pig's eye. I didn't ask to
be in this cheesy Air Corps.

I should be out
looking after Frank.

Doc, I'll...

I'll do anything, honest.

I'll do anything in the Navy.
I'll swab the decks,

I'll take top deck ack-ack,
I'll stay down in the sub.

You got to fix it.

You, please,
got to get me out of here.

Please.

We need a little more time.

Why don't you tell
the lieutenant here

that you didn't really
want him to drop dead?

Hmm?

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
I... I take it all back.

I don't want you to drop dead.

See, I'm apologizing, Doc.

Attaboy.

Would it help any if he
could see his brother?

It might, except he
doesn't have a brother.

Well, Bobby.

So what's the good word today?

That's right.

Try.

Come on, Bobby.

Let Captain Newman hear
how nicely you can say it.

You said "hello" for me this morning.
Remember?

He did, Doc.

I heard him say "hello"
plain as anything.

It'll come, Bobby.

Morning, Captain.
How you feeling?

I got a few pains.
You know, right here.

Captain, you're
not eating right.

How'd you sleep?
All right.

Any bad dreams, Captain?

The usual.

Dry. That's good.
No sweat.

That's the first thing
to look for, right?

You're handling your
tensions better, boy.

Nurse, give this patient 20 ccs
of flak juice and a high colonic.

He's a good boy.

Just a little wacky.
Thinks he's a captain.

Thinks he's a psychiatrist.

Well, it's all that stuff
you've got me on, Carrozzo.

It gives me
delusions of grandeur.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

It's all right. It's all right.
Come on. Attaboy.

Come on,
back to your beds.

Get that little yellow-belly
out of here. He makes me sick.

That "little yellow-belly,"
as you call him,

racked up 26 missions.

Now, what the devil
have you done,

except beat up on
some kid half your size?

It's tough enough around
here without... Baloney!

All you do is beef, bulldoze
and feel sorry for yourself.

Now when are you gonna wise up?

The next time this character
pulls something like that,

you bring him to my office.

Can't a guy have
any fun around here?

Not that kind.

Now look, I'm stuck with you

and you're stuck with me.

One of us has got to change,

and it's going to be you.

Okay, Doc.
Thanks, Gavoni.

Hey, Doc.
I got that orderly.

We've been playing gin and
he's beating my brains out.

Well, never mind about that.
I'll pick up the tab.

Just send him in.
Fine.

I'd better get squared away.

Thanks for the tour.
Roger.

Yeah. By all means.

Roger.

Come in.

Good morning.

Well, what's your name?

Leibowitz.
First name?

Jackson.
Sit down.

How old are you?
Twenty-seven.

I believe that it's
customary for a soldier

to address an officer
as "sir."

Sir.

Well, what's customary for a
soldier is tough for a civilian.

But you're not a civilian.
I feel like a civilian.

Congratulations.

I assume that you've worked
in a hospital before.

Yes.

Sir.

Go on, Corporal.

Go on where?

Tell me about your experience.

What's to tell?

Let's see.
The camp I just came from...

I don't want to knock the
government, you understand,

but the animals in the
Bronx Zoo had it better.

They had me working in the wards day
and night for 10 months steady.

I didn't like it.

You mustn't hide your feelings.

That's what I figured.

Well, what kinds of wards
did you work in?

All kinds.

Give me a hint.

General, surgery,
infectial diseases,

that's where
I caught everything.

OB. That was for
the officers' wives.

The rate they're
getting pregnant,

they're not gonna need
a draft in 20 years.

Have you ever worked
in an N.P. ward?

A mental ward?

Psychiatric cases.

Nuts?
They are not nuts.

Gee, Doc, you're not gonna
put me in a nut house.

It is not a nut house.
I'll drop dead.

Inside of one hour
I'll drop dead.

Sit down. You better
ask me to lay down.

Already I'm a patient.
Now, listen.

Doctor.

I don't know where you guys
get all these cockeyed ideas.

The boys in my ward
are just depressed.

So am I.
Miserable.

They're miserable? Look at me.
Sit down.

Doc!

Leibowitz, this is
a perfectly safe ward.

There is no danger involved.

Patients in my ward
are not allowed to have

matches or razors or sharp
objects of any kind.

But teeth they got.

We've been here for some time and
we haven't lost an orderly yet.

Don't spoil your record,
Captain.

I'll take my chances.

Now, do you have any questions?

You don't have to
raise your hand.

I'm as surprised as you that
I still have the strength.

Ask the question.

Captain, I appreciate you
trying to boost my morale,

but let us face facts.

It goes against my grain. You are
putting me in a booby hatch.

Leibowitz, what the devil
is the matter with you?

You look like an intelligent...

Don't be fooled by my looks.

But you'll get the best
food on the post...

Who's got an appetite?

You have my deepest sympathy.

From a plumber
I expect sympathy.

From a psychiatrist
I expect understanding.

Corporal Leibowitz has just
volunteered to work with us.

But Captain... Would
you like Sergeant Kopp

to show you around now?
No.

No, what?
No, sir.

Good. Start with
the ward, Arkie.

But, Captain, I've...

Let's go, Leibowitz.

Glad to have you with us.

You think so, huh?

People always make that mistake
until they get to know me.

Hey. Already
I'm hearing things.

What's that...

You're not hearing anything yet.

We keep sheep in the back
yard for tests for the lab.

How about a nice game
of gin tonight?

Who plans that far ahead?

I'm living
from minute to minute.

He'll make a good
orderly, Blodgie.

He understands suffering.

You're leveling, Doc.
I'm all right now?

You're as normal
as fleas on a dog.

All that's left is
for you to realize it.

You better get around to it.

I've got you marked
fit for duty.

You're going back
to your outfit.

I am? When?

I think I can steal you
a 10-day pass.

Ten days at home with your
family and after that...

So, start packing.
I need your bed.

You've got it, sir.

And I got a 4:10 bus
to catch.

* Old MacDonald
had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

* And on that farm
he had some chicks.

Your new orderly is
standing on a chair,

conducting the Colfax Glee Club.

Next, he'll be
passing out lollipops.

* Here a chick, there a chick

* Everywhere a chick, chick.

Come on, you guys.
Louder. Everybody.

Come on, you crazy bums. Don't
you want to get well? Sing!

* Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O *

Well, yes, we set up a
medical hearing for Tuesday,

but Colonel Bliss begged off.

And after all his yelling
to get out of here.

Did he say why?

No.

I offered to set up another
hearing at his convenience.

He was to let me know,
and that was three days ago.

How is that for a puzzler?

It worries me.

Whatever was behind
that Officers' Club thing,

Colonel Bliss doesn't
think it was trivial.

Sorry, sir.

Oh, Colonel?
Yes.

I finally solved the mystery
of the missing orderly.

Corporal Leibowitz didn't
vanish into thin air.

He was somehow
maneuvered into Ward 7

and he's been working
there ever since.

Isn't that so, Captain Newman?

Well, is it?
Well, I

couldn't call an attractive
girl like that a liar.

Joe, you can't just
hijack a soldier

and put him in your ward
without telling anyone.

As far as the Army is concerned,

Leibowitz has been AWOL
for two weeks.

You're absolutely
right, Colonel.

Excuse me for just a moment.

Joe!

Well, I'll be shoving off.
Thanks for everything.

Pleasure having you, Barney.

Say hello to the Pentagon.

We don't speak.

Well, so long.

So long.

Lieutenant Corum,
I'm truly very sorry.

I'll check my staff, I'll find
out who's responsible for this.

Try sodium pentothal.

It's wonderful stuff
for getting at the truth.

If that is what
we're after, Captain.

Well, Leibowitz probably
just happened to drift in.

Guess we'll have to put the whole
thing down to a foul-up in paperwork.

All right. The truth
is, we needed him.

You needed him?

My ward and all the others
are shorthanded, too.

Well, I'll tell you what.
We'll make a deal.

The very next orderly
that checks in...

You'll let us have him.

Now what could be
fairer than that?

The next two.

A deal?

A deal.

I'm due back.

Oh, Corum, I wouldn't stew
about that Leibowitz thing.

You'll get the next
orderly that comes in,

if I have to deliver
him to you personally.

A pair of them are
due in the morning.

Mmm-mmm. They're arriving
at 7:00 tonight, sir.

Thanks.

You're welcome.
Call on me anytime.

Did you get
Haskell's lab report?

I sent Arkie for it.

You know, this stuff is A, B, C.

I don't know why they make
such a big thing about it.

Leibowitz, since when does a corporal
send a sergeant on an errand?

Don't answer that.

Since Leibowitz came to Ward 7.

What do you mean, A, B, C?

You went to
medical school for this?

Well, it helped
fill in some time.

I was small for my age.

You see, Captain, it's simple,
if you're good with people.

You see, I was always
good with people.

Even in the fifth grade the
kids used to open up to me.

"Jake, what should I do?

"I feel lousy, I feel great, I
feel funny, I'm all mixed-up.

"Jake, what's
happening to me?"

You see, in my group,
I was the unofficial couch.

Captain, I could
write one of these.

Will you autograph me a copy of the
book when you get around to it?

Sarcasm is for children.

From a psychiatrist
I expect honestness.

"Honesty," Jake,
not "honestness."

So flunk me in English.

Get Lieutenant Corum
in Ward 4 on the phone.

You want me to phone?

Yes, if you're not
required in surgery.

I hope you're thirsty.

Mmm-hmm.

Ordered it in advance.

Here, I'll do that.

Thank you very much.
Thanks.

Since when does the Blue Grotto
serve imported champagne?

Since Leibowitz came to Ward 7.

I don't know where he got it,

and I've learned not
to ask any questions.

You want this now?

Oh, my goodness. How beautiful!
There we are.

Thank you.

It's a little silly, I suppose.

I read somewhere that a girl
never forgot those flowers

once she'd been to the Islands.

It's true.

How did you know I was
stationed in Honolulu?

Well, I heard it somewhere.

The Officers' Club, I suppose.

I thought maybe you
pulled my 201 file.

That would be
an invasion of privacy.

It's a compliment, in a way.

Anyway, it would have
said that I'm single,

- my blood type is B.
- B.

And that I wear a size...
A size 10 dress.

Your blood type is A,

and you were in the glee club
at Farragut High School,

you have an appendix scar right about
here, maybe a little farther over,

and you did your
residency at Tulane.

You read my 201?
Mmm-hmm.

All of it?
Don't be silly.

You should know no girl ever
reads past the space marked

"married" or "single."

Well, if we're both peeping Toms,
let's have a drink to that.

Francie,

you're a good-looking woman.

Thank you.

It's important to have
a good-looking woman around.

Big morale factor.

It gives a man incentive.

Now, you take a man
cowering under a bed.

I beg your pardon?
Cowering under a bed.

You've seen Blodgett.

Who'd come out for her?

But one look at your legs

and they'd come shooting right
up through the mattress.

Any man in that ward.

I think I understand,
but I'm not sure.

And you're thoroughly qualified.

Two years of premed at Barnard,

a full course
at Saint Vincent's.

Year and a half at Massachusetts
General, plus your service duties.

Is that the reason
you pulled my 201?

You're perfect for it.

For Ward 7.

You'd like me to transfer?

And that's the reason for the
flowers and the champagne.

Come on, let's dance.

No. Let's fight.

It's not gonna do anybody any
good if you're gonna be cross...

Just what makes you think I'd join
that big funny farm of yours?

You're all off in
a world of your own.

Joining your crowd is like taking the veil.
Not for me, friend.

I don't regard that
as a "no" answer.

That is a reaction,
not a judgment.

Don't give me any of your...

And as far as your
legs are concerned,

I have never seen
a better example...

Are you Captain Newman?

Yes.
There's a telephone call.

You can take it right
over here at the bar.

Excuse me, fellows.

Newman here.

Boy, we got trouble.
Some colonel's gone berserk.

Who?
Bliss.

He got into the ward
with some cockamamie story,

then he turned the place
upside down looking for you.

He's got a knife six
inches long, believe me.

What are you doing on the phone?
Get him out of that ward.

We did. We got him
in the shower room.

Arkie and Gavoni are
holding the door shut.

Meanwhile, he's on the other
side trying to bust out.

There are three of
you and one of him.

Get that knife away from him.

Doc, that could be dangerous.

I know it's dangerous,
but you've got to do it.

He might kill himself.

If I try to take that knife
away from him, he'll kill me.

All right. Hold him in the
shower till I get there. Right?

Jake! Jake!

Let me out of here!
Damn you.

Doc said take away the knife.

Who?
He didn't say.

All right, all right! I'm elected.
Let go. Are you sure?

No, I'm not sure, you dumb head.

All right!
One, two, let go.

Pigs!

Pharmacy key.

Come on. Everybody, get back.
Come on.

Back in your beds.
Come on.

Doc, look at this baby.

I better go in with you, that
Bliss is as strong as an ox.

Bleeding to death, I'm not.

You just wait here.

You... You filthy,
scheming meddler.

I'll kill you,
kill you, kill you...

You are not gonna kill
anyone, do you hear me?

Where the devil do
you think you are?

In some jungle
free-for-all?

What do you mean, coming in
here endangering my men?

Who asked you to
meddle in my life?

Who gave you the right to
probe and to spy on me?

You did.
By your actions.

Take a good look
at yourself, Colonel,

and then tell me I did the wrong thing.
Look at yourself.

Is this what you would
have done overseas?

Damn your eyes.

God shrivel your heart and
consume your monstrous brain.

You're vile. Vile! Vile! Vile!
Vicious contempt.

Get hold of yourself.

Remember who you are.

You are Colonel
Norval Algate Bliss.

A command officer.
Remember that.

Colonel Norval Algate Bliss.

Now behave yourself.

Put your arms down, Colonel.

Put your arms down.

You swine. You...

You clever, scheming swine.

Take it easy, Colonel.

You need lots of sleep.

Why do you fight me?
Here we go.

Let's get to bed. Right now.
Into bed. Into bed.

Peppy.

All right. Show's over.

Everybody back to bed.

Okay, Doc.
That's all.

All right.

You better have Blodgett take a
look at that cut and hit the sack.

I'm on duty, Doc.

Well, get Ruskin to relieve you.

I'm relieved enough already.
Come on, Stan.

I suppose you...

You had to shout
at him like that.

I wasn't shouting at him,

I was shouting at his symptoms.

Good night, Doc.

Good night, Ralph.
Everything's fine.

Mama? Mama, please get me out of here.
Hello, Dave.

Hello, Dave.
Mama, please.

Mama. Please, Mama.
Get me out of here.

Did you write to your
girlfriend today, Dave?

Please, Mama. Get me out of here.
Mama, Mama, please.

Did you write to
your girlfriend today?

You said you would.
Did you write to her?

Yeah.

Yes, the same old malarkey.

Same old malarkey.

Well, why don't you write
to her again tomorrow, huh?

Give her a break.

Okay.

Good night, Dave.

Good night, Doctor.
Good night.

This way, fellows.

Can you spare four beds
and a room, Lieutenant?

I think so.
Good. Here.

Come on. Straight ahead, fellow.
Everybody's your friend here.

Just follow your buddy
in there. It's okay.

Straight ahead.

Come on, buddy. Nothing to worry about.
Straight ahead.

Room C, Arkie.
All right.

Jordan is scheduled
for pentothal at 2:00.

Okay.

Do you want me to give
you the rest of the scam

on that kid in Ward 3?

Leibowitz, it's not part of an orderly's
duties to run around the hospital

drumming up new business.

From such business, who,
but the sick, can profit?

His name is Tompkins.

He's a corporal, like me.

Now, for five nights in a row,
he has snuck out of his ward

and got himself plastered.

They seem to think they've got
an ordinary lush on their hands,

but in my opinion, he is
a disturbed personality.

Cocky, but tense.
But he doesn't fool me.

My diagnosis is depression,
agitated, troublemaker.

Well, I hope you
didn't tell him that.

Maybe I'm fresh.
Stupid, no.

What I did tell him,
though, was to come over

and take a load off
his emotions and see you.

Boy, did I give you
a terrific recommendation.

Thanks. Young doctor starting out
needs all the help he can get.

Say, I thought
I told you to shave.

I beg your pardon, Captain.

What you said was, "Why didn't
you shave this morning?"

That's not an order.
That's a question.

To which you have an answer
which I've already heard,

"If God had intended men
should have clean cheeks,

"would he have
invented hair?" Shave.

I understand, Doc.

You are releasing
your hostilities on me.

Very good.
I want you to do it

because I don't want you
should develop an ulcer.

I don't want you
should develop a beard.

You'd better get into the ward.
Bliss has started to move and talk.

When did it happen?

Must have been in
the last hour or so.

I pulled Blodgett's
morning report.

"Sixteenth day of observation,

"patient still lethargic,
still refuses to speak."

We'll need 15 replacements
for operational aircraft.

Recent strikes at Rabal suggest that a
monthly quota be set up for this unit.

Ground personnel is
adequate but borderline.

I granted no appointment
for this hour. Dismissed.

I'm dismissed before
I've even come in.

Oh, the caduceus.

You're a doctor.

I'm Captain Newman.

And from my dreary abode,
I conclude that

you're one of the perceptive
ones who babble brightly.

You see, Doctor, I'm thoroughly
conversed with your psychiatric jargon.

Please, do come in.
Come in.

Well, proceed.

This should be refreshing.
I'm bored, Doctor.

I am bored with
being beleaguered

by brainless,
benighted blockheads.

And I'm bored with B's.

I think I shall concentrate on P's
for the rest of the afternoon.

How do you feel?

Standard opening.
You disappoint me.

Have you no imagination?

I'm holding it in reserve.

You've got enough
for both of us, Colonel.

Colonel? Colonel?

My name is Future, not Colonel.

I see.

What a pity
Mr. Past is not here.

He'd be amused by you.

Mr. Past. Who's he?

He's a friend.

A very close,
very special friend.

I gave my word, sir, as an
officer and a gentleman,

never to reveal his whereabouts.

Lips sealed.

Ergo, in your hospital,
you have me, Mr. Future,

about whom you know nothing,

while in your files
rests a dossier

on Mr. Past,
who is nowhere to be found.

One patient with
no case history,

one case history
with no patient.

What a paradox?
No. What a triumph.

Well,

I can see that
we're just wasting time.

Oh, no, now please, don't go.

I'm enjoying your visit.

Well, I don't doubt it, but,
you see, I didn't come here

for the purpose of providing

a patronizing patient with a
plethora of private pleasure.

Bravo, bravo, seven P's.

Is Mr. Future mad, sir?

I repeat.
Is Mr. Future mad?

Or is he not mad?

Mr. Future is
an invention.

Bless my soul.

Oh, penetrating prophet
of the psyche.

Is he incurable?

I can't tell yet.
You see, most people

talk to reveal.
You talk to conceal.

But to a good psychiatrist,

isn't the act of concealment
very revealing in itself?

Mr. Future,
you're too intelligent a man

to spend the rest of your
days in a mental hospital.

Is that likely?

That's what usually happens when
people split themselves in two.

Daylight recon
flights will continue.

Lieutenants Bergman,
Brady, Oswald,

Reinhardt will patrol Sector A.

Sector B, Lieutenants
Grace, New house,

Captains Moore and Leary.

Oh, Jackson.

Can you get a hold of
one of those radio techs

and have him wire
this room for playback?

I want to know everything
that Bliss says.

Okay.
Oh, and tell him yourself.

The light seemed to bother him.

He's more comfortable this way.

Paul.

Cabot

Winston.

Tired.

Captain Winston.

Paul? Paul.

It's happened before.

Once at the evac hospital, he
went to sleep for three days.

His case file is on your desk, but
it doesn't give you much to go on.

His plane crash-landed
in France.

Missing in action 13 months.

Liberating forces
found him in a cellar.

He identified himself
and blacked out.

The evac N.P. tried shock,
then pentothal.

Negative. He can't
or won't respond.

Anything from French locals?

Nothing in the report.

He was 13 months in a cellar.

That's all there is.

Oh, Francie, Leibowitz thinks
we have another customer.

Check on a boy
named Tompkins, Ward 3.

Mmm-hmm.

Which one is he?

Just take a look and guess.

He's all yours, if you want him.
Bed eight.

Thanks, Katie.

Hello, there.

Hi, fellas.
Pick a card.

Darling.
Hi.

Darling. Darling.

Evening, Corporal.

I'm Lieutenant Corum.

Well, how are you, beautiful?

Are you gonna take care of me?

No. I'm in Ward 7.

Hurray for you.

How are you coming along here?

I've been in worse places.

Well, is there
anything you need?

Yeah.

Some cheaper booze
and some juicier broads.

In that order?

Okay, so you don't
shock easy in Ward 7.

Big deal.

First it was that
Corporal Leibowitz.

Now it's you.

Maybe you're prettier
than he is, ma'am,

but I'm gonna give it to
you like I gave it to him.

You tell Captain Newman
I said to shove it.

Ain't nobody gonna
slap no needle in me.

It's getting
a little crowded in here.

I think I'm gonna go for a walk.

To include Captains
Trabert, Adler, McDonnell,

Lieutenants Jacobs
and Hassmiller.

Tompkins' file.
And a message for you,

"Shove it."

Sounds rude.

I can't read him.

I don't know if there's
anything wrong with him

or if he's trying to live up to
his reputation as a stinker.

Severe gastrointestinal pains.

Insomnia. He's 20 years old?
Mmm-hmm.

Something wrong
with him, all right.

In that case, you'd better
drop by and see him.

I'm sure he won't come here.

I can't help him
unless he comes to me.

If I go to him, I'm the weaker.

Lost him before I start.
It's his move.

Now help me with
these names, will you?

Joe, you don't intend to write
to everybody Bliss mentions?

Now I've written to the Senior
Air Surgeon in New Guinea,

and asked him to talk to all the
people who were close to Bliss.

The key to his split is
somewhere in his past.

So, if I can't get it from
him, I have to go elsewhere.

Now, is this third name
McDonnell or MacDonald?

To include Captains
Trabert, Adler, McDonnell,

Lieutenants Jacobs
and Hassmiller.

Leibowitz.
Later!

It's Gavoni.
Gavoni?

He's outside!
He must've found out.

Now, wait a minute, fellas.

We've got a small crisis on our hands.
Now, let's deal with it.

Everybody go back to
their places. Go ahead.

When I find my salami,
I'm gonna make...

Go.

Up the sleeve.
Good boy.

- Leibowitz!
- Hi, Gavoni.

Don't "Hi, Gavoni" me.

Somebody stole my salami.

Are you accusing one of my
patients of being a crook?

I ain't accusing them.

These men are in the
service of their country.

I know who took it.

One of these men may turn out
to be another Eisenhower.

Leibowitz, I want that
salami and I ain't kidding.

Now, will you take it easy?
Now, to begin with,

are you sure you had a salami?

Gavoni had a salami!
My sister sent it to me!

She sends me one
every week without fail.

Well, in that case, why don't
you check with the post office?

Have them put a tracer on it.

I don't need no tracer.

That salami's right
here in this room.

And what's more, it was stolen.

It was stolen, huh?
Yeah.

Okay. Well, in that case, we're
gonna help you find your man.

Now let's start at the very top.

Do you think Colonel
Pyser stole your salami?

You know who stole it.
You did.

Now, just a minute.
Don't try to back out.

You already accused these men.

Who blamed anybody in this...

Don't try to weasel out of this.

Did I blame anybody
in this room? Did I?

The damage is done.

You've already thrown the whole
ward into a trauma. Right, men?

All right, all right!

I've heard it a thousand times.

Gavoni, that's
very bad psychology.

You've given everybody
a guilt complex.

The least you could do
is apologize.

Now apologize.
Come on.

All right. I'm sorry.

Words, words. Nothing but words.
Sorry.

Gavoni, if you're
really sorry, show it.

How?

Share your salami
with these men.

How can I share
a salami I don't have?

Gavoni, Gavoni.

That's beside the point. Let's
get to the meat of the question.

Would you share it?

Yeah.
Good!

Okay, men, you heard Gavoni.

He's gonna share the salami.

So let's give him
a hand and find it.

Arkie, no one leaves this ward
till we find that salami.

Men, let's look!
Under the beds,

in the pillowcases,
check your pockets.

Remember Lost Weekend?

Check the fixtures.
Come on, let's go!

Everybody, look!
Look under the beds.

Look in the pillowcases.
Let's find it!

I found it!
That's it.

Now just a minute, Gavoni.
Just a minute.

Gavoni, are you sure
this is your salami?

It's a Genoese.

It's your salami.

See. All that fuss,
all that screaming?

No one stole
your salami, Gavoni.

You lost it.
Butterfingers.

How could I lose a salami
in somebody's bathrobe?

Gavoni, may I remind you of a cardinal
rule in the field of psychiatry?

In the words of Sigmund Freud,

"Show me a man that
can lose his temper

"and I'll show you a man
that can lose his salami."

Gavoni, come here.

Start cutting.

Do you mind?

Oh, by the way, Gavoni.
Yeah?

I promised Bobby
the first slice.

Roger.

The one in
the middle's mine.

And give my best to your sister.

They're all yours, Captain.

Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, excuse me.

This came this morning.
I think it's for you.

"Big shot, cuckoo squad."

That's me, all right.

It's from Tompkins.

He wants me to meet him
tonight in the rec hall.

In my opinion, Tompkins...

I leave it entirely
in your hands.

I have every confidence.
Excuse me.

At 11:00.

Hey, douse the light,
will you, Doc?

It's all right.
Come on in.

They gig me if they find me.

I'll take care of that.

Okay.

You know something, Doc?

A man should never drink alone.

It turns him into an alcoholic.

Have a shot.
All right.

Oh, no, I brung you a cup.

You're an officer
and a gentleman.

No gentleman should ever
drink from a bottle.

But you better drink it fast
before it rots the paper.

Tompkins,

this stuff won't turn
you into an alcoholic.

It'll turn you into a corpse.

Not me, Doc.

Why, me and Big Jim,

we used to knock off a couple
of these pints every night.

Turn the light out, Doc.
Just turn it out!

You know something?

Big Jim was the only buddy
I ever had.

Only guy ever treated
Little Jim real good.

Yeah. And you know
what I done?

Don't let me...

Don't let me talk no more, Doc.

If I talk, I'll blow my top.

I'll just smash the lamps
and throw the chairs around.

I'm gonna pump my fists right
through the glass in the window.

Sure, sure.

You throw the chairs around, you put
your fists through all the glass,

and it won't do you a bit of good.
Not one bit and you know it.

Now, why don't you get it off
your chest once and for all?

Come on. What happened?

I'm in a sweat, Doc.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, God, I don't...

I don't even want
to think about it.

I'll bet you are thinking
about it all the time.

Day and night, week after week.

You play the guitar
to use up your thoughts.

You fight off sleep
so you won't dream.

You get swacked to
run away from memory.

That's a stupid way to live.

That's a damned
stupid way to live.

Doc, you gimme the flak juice.

I'm asking for it.
Give it to me now.

Right now.

Okay. You lay off the booze
for a couple of days.

Not a drop, you understand?

I'll tell them
to stop medication.

And more pills
to help you sleep.

Then we'll give you the flak.

You mean you ain't gonna
give it to me now?

I mean, when I'm asking for it?

Nope. It'll hold.

Well, if you ain't
gonna give it to me now,

well, you can forget it.

In fact, you can shove it.

Boy, they sure picked the right guy
to boss the loony squad, didn't they?

Yeah.

All right, Jim, you can
roll up your sleeve now.

I'll do that.

Boy, that's a hot one.

Two officers putting me to bed.

Say, is it all right if
I take off my shoes, Doc?

Sure.

I kind of sleep
better without them.

That's all I'm gonna do,
isn't it, Doc? Just sleep?

That's right.

Hey, that's enough, Doc.

I don't want to
wake up an old man.

All right, Jim.
Here we go.

Now, this'll make you drowsy.

When I tell you
to start counting,

start counting,
but backward from 100.

Have you got that?

Backwards from 100.

100, 99...

100, 99,

98.

It's hot.
Feels hot, Doc.

100, 99...

100, 99, 98, 97,

96...

It sure is getting hot, Doc.

Five.

Four. 97.

That's all right, now.

Let that old prop wash hit you.

Yeah, that's better.

I'm getting wind off
number two inboard.

94, 93,

92...

All right, Jim.

Come on now, Jim.

You're gonna take us for a ride.

Come on, boy.

Tuesday, November 17, 18:05.

Come on, now.
Let's go, let's go.

Come on.
Can't keep a war waiting.

That's a sweat job.

Nothing to it.

Ride on over there

and drop a few of them little
old firecrackers on them.

Cream 'em, boy.

Okay, Big Jim.
Here goes.

Me and Buck in the waist,

Big Jim up front
with Lieutenant Bates.

Up, come on, get up.

Come on! Get this two-bit
coffin off the ground, Big Jim!

Come on, get it up.
Hey, we're up now!

Waist to pilot.
Waist to pilot.

You mind if I take me
a couple of practice blasts?

Roger.

Waist working okay. Over.

Hey, Buck.
You and me gotta get us

a couple of broads
when we get back.

Yeah, with builds on
'em that won't quit.

I mean real balloon smugglers.

And they gotta swing this time.

Not like that last time.

All them two wanted
to do was drink.

I don't sure like what the
war is doing to dames.

They just want
to drink, that's all.

Hey, what's that, Buck?

Down there at 4 o'clock.
Coming at us now at 3.

No, at 2 o'clock.
It's a ME 109.

I got him.
Yeah, I got him.

Hey, he's going down, Buck!

Go ahead, now. Fry!

Fry! Burn, you Nazi! Fry!

Holy Jesus.
There's three more of 'em.

Hey, we're hit. Hey!

Oh, dear Jesus.
The oil! The oil!

Buck! Hey, Buck!
We're going down!

Oh, God! Oh, God.
My dear Jesus.

Dear Jesus, save me.
Save me.

Oh, God,
don't let us crash, please!

I'll be good!
I'll be good!

I promise I'll be good.

Big Jim, Big Jim, bring it up.

We're gonna crash!
We're gonna crash!

Take it up, you crud!
Take it up!

Get this up, dear God!
Don't let it crash!

Come on, Jim.
Come on. You're down.

It crashed.
You're in that plane.

Gotta get out here.
I gotta get out.

The escape hatch.
We gotta get out of here.

Yeah, the escape hatch.

Hey, Buck!
Come on! Buck?

Oh, no, no, no.
He got... Oh, God!

He got no head!
Oh, God! God!

Oh, God, put back his head,
please!

God! Somebody?
God, please!

Please put back his head.

He don't look right.

Oh, fire. Fire.
Oh, I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out of here.

I'm out. Oh, God,
I'm out. Thank God.

Thank God. I'm out.

Who's yelling?
Who's yelling?

Big Jim? Big Jim?

Little Jim.
Little Jim, help me!

Little Jim, save me.

Oh, I gotta go back.
Gotta go back.

Go back and get him!

Go back and get him, you yellow-belly.
No, run, run, run, run!

Yeah, run! Look out!

Look out.
Run, run, run.

Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!

Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!

Hey, Doc, I must've dozed off.

I sure feel good.

That's the best
I've slept in months.

Hey, Lieutenant.
What do you know?

You been here all night?

Hey, Doc, did I gab
a lot in my sleep?

Uh-huh.

What did I say?

Oh, you guys all think
you're the worst.

I'm not handing out
any prizes around here.

If I were, you wouldn't
have a chance.

I was expecting stuff that'd
blow me right off of that chair.

You're not even in the running.

I've got guys in this ward that make
you look like Little Orphan Annie.

I thought that...
Yeah, I know. I know.

But it'll hold.
I'll see you Monday,

same time, my office.
Come on, now.

Get your tail off of there. Get
some hot coffee from Leibowitz.

Run around the track, play volleyball.
I got work to do.

So that was flak juice, huh?

Uh-huh.

Big deal.

Best shot I ever did get
from old Uncle Sam.

Beats booze.

When they wake up,
they feel great.

And then your problems begin.

Hell, I'm a doctor.
That's all.

They ask too much of me.

No. No, they don't.

Not when you think of
what we ask of them.

And they have to go up, hang
in the air, and get shot at.

You don't get shot down
in a psychiatric ward.

Nobody ever crashed
behind a desk.

But the boy on the cot.

Should we send him back?

Should we make him well
and strong again?

We protect the sick.

We feed them, and we love them

and we keep them safe.

Our job is to make them well.

Well enough to go out
and be killed.

My God, what an awful shame.

Kind of you to drive me home.

All right.

I... I thank you.
I thank you.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Oh, Joe.

Joe, we'll be court-martialed.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

There's a shortage
of doctors and nurses.

It's true.

Aren't you the fellow
who just fell off a jeep?

Yep. Remarkable,
isn't it?

Oh, you've got a beautiful neck.

Good try, old man.

Tomorrow, around 2:00.

Excuse me, Captain. I have
Corporal Tompkins in your office.

He's waiting for you.

Well, how's it gonna
look if you're late?

It's gonna look as if
you're not interested.

Like you don't care. That can give
a patient a feeling of insecurity.

Yes, Leibowitz.
Thank you.

Thank you.

That Captain Winston, I never
saw a patient look so sad.

You mustn't confuse sadness
with depression, Professor.

Is there a difference?

Looks, Leibowitz,
can be deceiving.

Can a man look sad
and still be happy?

Yes.
Example?

You.

Hi, Doc. I feel sharp
as a tack today.

You talk.
I'll just listen.

I got nothing more
to say. Nothing.

Take your feet
off my desk, soldier.

You heard me.

And sit up straight
in that chair.

Take that cheap cigar
out of your mouth.

Go on. Put it out.

Now don't ever pull that
act again on me, Tompkins.

When you're in this room, you'll show
some respect for me and for yourself.

I'm not gonna let you cheapen
any man who did 34 missions

and who wears all those decorations
on his chest. You understand?

All right. Clam up.

I'm gonna help you even if you
fight me every inch of the way.

I can be just as rough on you
as you are on yourself.

So every day for
the next couple of weeks,

we're gonna take off the gloves

and give little Jim Tompkins
a real shellacking.

I ran out on him,
that's what I done.

I ran out on him
just like a punk chicken.

Oh, you were scared when the plane crashed!
Who wouldn't be?

You panicked.

You ran for your life
just like any guy would.

But not Little Jim.

He's not allowed
to be human, is he?

I should have gone back.
Holy mother of God.

That was Big Jim in there

and I just should have
gone back and pulled him out.

What makes you so sure that
you could've pulled him out?

The plane would
still have exploded.

And you'd have been blown up into
those pieces that nobody ever found.

Just like Big Jim.

You could've avoided the whole
mess we're in right now

by the simple process of
getting yourself blown up.

Stop it. Stop it!

You feel the need
to suffer. Go ahead.

But let's be fair
about the thing, man.

Let's work out a reasonable
amount of misery

to pay off the guilt.

Now, I have an idea,
Jim, and it's a beaut.

Why don't you chop off a foot?

Well, you heard me.

Get yourself an ax and go out here
somewhere and have an accident

and come back without a foot.

Doc, you're talking crazy.

Why, is a foot too much?

How about some toes?
Or some fingers?

How about just one
lousy little finger?

You're nuts.

That wouldn't bring
Big Jim back.

Neither will what you've
been doing to yourself.

Look at me, Doc.

Me crying just
like a little kid.

You're just crying for Big Jim.
And you ought to.

You loved him and he's dead.

Now you can let
yourself feel, Jim.

Have you got a minute, Joe?
Yeah, sure.

Oh, Francie, will you promote
some coffee for Little Jim?

The answer to that
New Guinea letter.

Can we schedule a board hearing?

Whenever you say.

As soon as possible.

Colonel Bliss,
will you please state

your name, rank
and serial number?

Colonel, would you identify
yourself for us, please?

Mr. Future,
would you, please?

Delighted.
Alonzo Archimedes Future.

United States Army,
World Victory Two.

Expert in tactics, tautology,
logistics and semantics.

Colonel, we'd like you
to understand

the nature of this
hearing and its purpose.

I am not interested. It's Mr.
Past you seek, of course.

He spurns your invitation
and he damns your inquisition!

But enough of this
prattle of idiots.

I put an end to this
tristimanic farce.

Dismissed.

Proceed, Larrabee.

"It is recommended that subject officer
be granted a medical discharge,

"to be committed to a veterans'
hospital for prolonged treatment

"under full custodial care."

I've asked that he be sent to a hospital
near where he was born and went to school.

Records, plus additional information
from New Guinea, will be transmitted.

What information?

Pertinent data from the Senior Air Surgeon.
It gives us a key.

Based on this, a slow, careful
pattern of treatment is indicated.

The removal...
Captain! It's Colonel Bliss!

I don't know! He pushed me. He
whacked Arkie and made a break.

This way.

Colonel!

No, Colonel! Don't!

Arkie, get down.

Mr. Future.

I want to talk to you.
Mr. Future?

Wait. Wait, Mr. Future.

Don't. Let's talk. Wait.

Please.

Please.

Please.

I'd like to ask you
a question, Newman.

Would this have happened
if you hadn't bumped into him

in the Officers' Club
that night?

Would he be leaving like this?

I'll be very interested to see how
you wrap up your report on this.

Colonel Bliss, not Mr.
Future, but Colonel Bliss,

did what he most wanted to do.

He...
He got rid of his guilt.

He joined his men.

That list of names
that we sent to New Guinea,

they were all men
he'd ordered into combat.

All dead.

Now you tell me if I
could have saved him.

Did I...
Did I play it too safe?

Did I gamble too much?

Could I have spotted the moment
he'd turn back to the past?

Could I have pulled one
more thing from his brain?

Was there a way?

I wish to hell I knew.

This is a pretty
thin turnout, Larrabee.

The Air Surgeon General'll be
coming in on that airplane.

Where are the rest
of your people?

Still making
the morning rounds, sir.

They'll get here
as soon as they can.

I don't want them straggling
in here one by one.

This is supposed
to be an inspection.

Let's at least give a hint
that we're in the Air Corps.

Sir, the Under Secretary's plane
is in the traffic pattern.

It's coming in to land now.

Good.

What the devil is that?

Do not, repeat not, attempt
landing at this time. Over.

I'll circle your field.
What's cooking? Over.

Sheep. Over.

Sheep? Over.

Roger.
Sheep on the runways.

Sheep?

Sheep?

Yes, sir. Sheep.

Sheep? My sheep?

Well, who the devil else has
got sheep around here, sir?

All week long we've been
cleaning up for inspection.

So how do you clean sheep?

I tell Gavoni to take the sheep,

put them on the other side
of the field to graze.

With no fence?
Sheep drift!

Don't you know
anything about sheep?

In Jersey City, I should
learn to be a shepherd?

Don't scare 'em!
They'll stampede.

They'll stampede!

Don't worry, Doc.

Now would you behave yourself?

This is no time to be neurotic.

One more passenger for you.

All you men with the vehicles.

Surround them.

Surround them.

Now, this is an order.

You're the leader.
You lead and they'll follow.

Do you understand?

Very good.
Okay, Captain.

All right, boys.
Now move them out slowly.

Now lead.

Hiya, Barney.
Hello, Joe.

I thought you didn't
speak to the Pentagon.

Oh, well, I still
stutter a little.

Look, I've got to rush.
I just wanted you to know

that General Snowden is
coming by to see you later.

About a patient of yours,
a Captain Paul Cabot Winston.

He's VIP, Joe.
Very VIP.

Now I've got to rush.
See you later.

The key is what happened
to him in that cellar.

Yes, sir, but I can't
get through to it.

If I question him,
he falls asleep.

Sodium pentothal
negative so far.

Well, it looks like it's going
to be a long haul for him.

Yes, sir. He's on the transfer
list for extended hospitalization.

But at least he'll be close
to his home and family.

It might help.

Newman, Winston's
staying on here.

May I have the General's
permission to ask why?

The father flew down from Washington
when they first brought Winston back.

He decided that it would be best

if no other member of the family
see Paul in his present condition.

Including his wife?

Including his wife.

Well, it's too bad we don't
have a place in Outer Mongolia.

You're missing
the point, Newman.

The Winstons would feel the same about
the Congressional Medal of Honor.

They'd want it to be
a private matter.

Sir, we're scheduled to
take off in 10 minutes.

Be right with you, Barney.

Newman, what are your
plans after the war?

Well...

As of January 1, Colfax is going to
be deactivated as a training base.

It becomes a permanent
mental hospital.

I'd like you to stay on
and run it.

You're dedicated,
highly qualified.

Well, no offense, sir.
I...

Oh, I like to think of myself as

a qualified civilian.

Well, you don't have to
make up your mind now.

You can send word
to me in Washington.

We'll leave it open
till I hear from you.

Please consider
the matter carefully.

Yes, sir.

Roger!

Hurry it up there!
On the double!

Move it!

We came to say goodbye, Jim.

I sure appreciate
that, Lieutenant.

And I want to thank you for
all the nice things you done.

I didn't do anything.

Well, yes, you did.

You come up and talk
with me when I was alone

and I just wasn't alone no more.

And, Captain?

No. You did it, Jim.

We just showed you the way.

Well, I don't believe I
would have found it myself.

In my humble opinion,

you were in the hands
of quacks in Ward 3.

You came to us
and we knew what to do.

Now, you got everything?
Uh-huh!

Toothbrush?
Yeah.

Candy bar, soap and nylon.

Jake, you're a wonder!

Remind me to recommend you
for procurement officer.

I accept.

You better get moving, Jim.

Yeah. Jake, so long.
Goodbye.

Lieutenant.
Goodbye, Jim.

Thank you, Captain.
Thank you.

Oh, Jackson,
you take the jeep back.

Think I could use a walk.

Poor Jake.
You've got him worried.

The word is you've been
asked to stay on.

That'll just ruin
Operation Penthouse.

Operation Penthouse?

His post-war plan.

A huge psychiatric cartel to be
known as Newman & Leibowitz.

He'll be glad to
fill you in on details.

Now, don't tell me.

He'll be
the business-getter.

A neurosis tout.

He's already got you
located in San Francisco,

with a branch office
in Beverly Hills.

Well, that's nice.

Well, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

What about you, Francie?

They'll want you
to sign up again.

I'll have to be fair about it.
I'll flip a coin.

If it stays in the air,
I'll sign on again.

I'm serious.

So am I.

When this is over, I want to
get out and have some babies.

I suppose you might be
pretty good at that, too.

If not, it's the kind
of thing I could learn.

Do you think it's
wrong of me, Joe?

To want to close out my 201
file when this is over?

Hey, Captain.

What is it, Arkie?

Blodgett asked me to find you.

You're wanted in your office.

She's probably
looking for me, too.

It's 10 minutes into my shift.

Mrs. Winston is here.

Oh, Francie,

perhaps you'd better bring
Captain Winston into Room A.

Good evening.
I'm Helene Winston.

I'm Captain Newman.

But we weren't expecting
you till tomorrow morning.

You called.
You said to come.

There's no virtue
in delay, is there?

Well, no.
I suppose not.

You found a nice place to stay?

A tourist court. Clean,
from what I could see.

May I see my husband now,
Captain Newman?

Mrs. Winston, before you see your
husband, I feel that I should

mention that you'll
find him strange,

listless, remote.

He may not even answer
simple questions.

I'm afraid you just don't
understand him, Captain Newman.

Paul was always given
to reticence.

This is only temporary,
I'm sure.

He's basically sound and well.
Don't you agree?

In his mind, I mean.
His faculties.

Mrs. Winston,

this is a psychiatric ward.

Oh, I know, Captain.
I'm aware of that.

I'm sure many men's emotional
reverses require this kind of

medical attention,
but my husband,

no.

We are not people who pamper
themselves, Captain Newman.

We're proud that we can
draw on our inner will.

Mrs. Winston...

I should like to see
my husband now.

Oh, Mrs. Winston,
Lieutenant Corum.

Good evening.

The ward itself is
beyond that door

but we thought you'd prefer
to see your husband in here.

It's Helene, dear.

Aren't you going to
ask me to sit down?

You sent for her?

But didn't General Snowden...

I sent for her because he wasn't
responding to anything else.

I had reason to believe he'd
respond to her. But how could he?

She strolls in
and asks for a seat.

She hasn't seen
that man in two years.

It's her husband.

It's her lover,
if we may speculate.

Well, it's strange for her.

What did you expect her to do?

To behave like a wife.

Instead, she acts like a
referee at a chess match.

He says he's tired.
Very tired.

I really shouldn't have
come this late.

I'll take him back to his room.

He'll feel better in
the morning. Good night.

Can I give you a lift?

Thank you.
I've rented a car.

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!

Detail, halt!

Package of goodies
for you, Newman.

Compliments of the C.O.

Sign here, please.
Sign for what?

Fourteen Italian
prisoners of war.

And what the devil
are 14 Italian POWs

doing in the middle
of the Arizona desert?

Well, you see, according
to the Geneva Convention,

prisoners should be
sent to a climate

similar to the one in
which they were captured.

We picked up 300 of those
jokers in the Libyan Desert,

and those 14 out there
need hospitalization.

Are they mental cases?

No.

Leibowitz, get me
Colonel Pyser on the phone!

Ask and you shall receive. He's
on the phone, calling you.

Captain Newman speaking.
Now what...

Yes, they're here.
Just one question.

Isn't it a violation
of the Geneva Convention

to put prisoners of war
in a psychiatric ward?

I'm sure it is.

But you have the only ward where
they can be kept under lock and key.

Does that make any sense to you?

Some, sir.

Good.

Oh, and by the way, Newman, the
United States is at war with Italy,

so they're enemy,
not houseguests.

And don't go probing around
looking for any symptoms.

If they hate their fathers,
that's all right with us.

They're enemy. Period.

Leibowitz.

Yeah, Doc.

Take this bunch into the ward.

Have Blodgett check them in
after they've been showered.

Sure, Doc.

You see, in the
neighborhood I came from,

you had to know at least
six different languages

in order to do business.

Mrs. Winston,
I'd counted on you for a...

A breakthrough,
some emotional reaction.

And as long as you've been
here, nothing has happened.

Nothing from him
and nothing from you.

I'm a patient woman, Captain.

Maybe too patient.

I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Winston,

I hope that you're
going to understand,

and I don't want
to embarrass you,

but if your answers will help me to
understand, if they'll help Paul,

then, of course, that's
the most important thing.

Of course.

What is it that
you want to know?

The room where you two meet has a
chair, and it has a cot, a bed,

and it also has a lock.

Mrs. Winston, have you
ever locked that door?

I was not aware, Captain,
that you were one of those

who reads sex into everything.

Well, you're his wife.
He's a man.

Not just now, is he?

Well, that's the whole point!

What have you done
to change that?

This is most embarrassing! There is no
point in continuing this conversation!

Oh, I think that there is, if you
love him, if you really love him,

if you really want to help him.

There is nothing in the
world that I want more!

Then act like a woman to him
and not a choir companion.

Buy some perfume.
Get a nice new dress.

Something feminine,
something flattering.

You mean erotic, don't you?

Why not?

I am hardly the kind of woman who can
be expected to act like a prostitute!

Good night, Captain!

A verbal and then a
teletype from Area Command.

You're not to contact her,

and you're to stay
away from Winston.

Joe, you can't treat
a woman like that.

It makes the hospital look bad.

It makes the service look bad.

Aren't you all
missing the point?

No one is worrying
about the patient.

He's not a poor,
sick, groping boy.

He's Paragraph Two in some
damned fool teletype report.

It's only until we get this
thing straightened out.

What do we do in the meantime?

Feed him some aspirin?

That's what I said.

I'll be the one in charge.

Both fine, Doctor.
Good.

You know, it's gonna
be a very nice tree.

Popcorn. Popcorn.

Leibowitz!

He is busy with the tree.

He is also wanted
by Captain Newman.

He is coming.

Leibowitz, I gave you
three bucks,

and you also got a dollar from every
other orderly and from every patient

so that Ward 7 could have a
tree to match the big one

that Colonel Pyser
put in the rec hall.

Correct.

Is that the best tree you could
buy with all that money?

Who said I bought it?

Well, where did you get it?

From another tree.

From another...

What... What tree?
When? Where?

Leibowitz,

is there some connection
between this tree

and Colonel Pyser's
tree in the rec hall?

You better sit down.

I stay mad better standing up!

You look like Captain Bligh.
Quit the stalling!

Now, just tell me
the whole story.

The tree in the rec hall
was a good 20 feet high.

A guy lying on his back
couldn't even see the top.

It's really not a very
interesting story, I mean...

Oh, I find it
a fascinating story.

How did you do it?

I got a ladder and a saw.

I climbed up the ladder and...

Saw? What kind...
What kind of a saw?

How many types of saws are there?
I mean, a saw for sawing...

Where...
Where did you get it?

The ladder or the saw?
The saw.

The saw.

I got it out of surgery.

You stole a surgical saw?

Well, I...
Only borrowed.

It's already been returned.

It's a little bent.

Oh, that's nice.

Nothing better for a surgeon,
of course, than a bent saw.

For crooked patients.

He can saw his way
around corners!

Are you so blasted stupid
that you think that.

Colonel Pyser won't see that his
tree had its top chopped off?

But, Captain,
if I've done anything,

I've improved the appearance
of the colonel's tree!

How did you get it
out of the rec hall?

Oh, it was terrific!

I took it out the back window,

through the sheep pen,
up the back stairs.

No one got a peep
at what I was doing.

No? Not one of the 5,000 blind
men on this installation

saw you carrying
around a five-foot tree?

We didn't carry it.

What did you do?

I put it in an ambulance.

An ambulance?

Mmm-hmm.

Who was the driver?

Cooshy.
Cooshy?

Cooshy Flinn?

He's a wonderful driver.

Cooshy Flinn is a patient!

But that's the reason
I chose him.

I could always claim he was off his
head when he stole the ambulance.

Then Gavoni told me
that we would...

Gavoni?
Yes, Gavoni.

He was in charge
of the stretcher.

The what?
The stretcher.

We put the tree
on the stretcher.

You would never
think it was a tree.

Why not? Did you dress
it in a uniform?

Oh, no, no. We covered
it with a blanket.

You would be the first one to swear
it looked exactly like a corpse.

You may go.

Thank you.

No, wait.

Excuse me for asking
so hostile a question,

but since you didn't spend one
red cent on that noble tree

which you wrapped in a blanket
and conveyed in an ambulance,

what did you do
with all the money?

The money I saved by not
buying a crummy tree

went for presents
for my patients.

Here you are, Doc.

Thanks, Arkie.

It's Winston.
Who's with him?

Stop him! Stop him!

For God's sake,
stop him, please!

I revolted him!

I revolted him!

Have a smoke, Paul.

Go on, take it.

Now, you've raised
quite a rumpus in here.

Now, suppose you tell me what it
is that you were trying to prove.

What?

Want her to go away.

Why, Paul? Why?

Go back to room now.
Hide.

No.

You've turned that room of
yours into another cellar.

You're out of the cellar now.

What cellar?
No! No!

What happened in
the cellar, Paul?

Don't remember.
You do.

You will.

Thirsty!
Later.

What happened in the cellar?
Nothing!

You were in there for 13 months

and nothing happened?

You were never in any danger.

You were always safe in there.

Go to hell!

Is that what's
tearing you apart?

That you were safe in there?

That is it, isn't it?

No more war.

No more flights,
no flak, no danger.

Yes, yes, yes!
It was deep, dark, safe!

Could you have escaped, Paul?

The town was
occupied by Germans.

Could you have escaped?
Could anybody have escaped?

I never tried.

I should have.
I never tried.

But don't tell God.
Don't tell, please.

Damn them for finding me.

I don't want to hurt her.

She mustn't know.

Don't you understand?
She mustn't know that.

I was a coward.

I told you it wouldn't work
but you wouldn't believe me.

I knew it was wrong.

Wrong!

Mrs. Winston,

I want you to go in
there and see Paul.

Now.

Another experiment? Hasn't
he been through enough?

Hasn't he suffered enough?

No, not by his standards.

You see, he's a Winston.

And?

Fear is a normal thing
in ordinary men.

It's something else
in a Winston.

It's cowardice.

Paul couldn't be a coward.

He's never done a shameful
thing in his life.

No.

But he thinks that he has.
That's the whole point.

That's why you have
to go in there.

You saw the anguish on his face.

The hatred.

That was shame.

Mrs. Winston,

that man became a vegetable

rather than have you know.

He loves you so much,

he was willing to stay
that way the rest of his life.

How is it possible?

They didn't know
each other at all.

Yeah, maybe we could all use
a new language.

* We three kings of Orient are

* Bearing gifts we traverse afar

* Fields and fountain

* Moor and mountain

* Following yonder star

* Guide us to
thy perfect light *

Attention!

Edgar, that's
a perfectly lovely tree.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, my dear.

I must say it took quite a bit
of doing to find a tree that...

Uh-oh!

* O come, all ye faithful

* Joyful and triumphant

Howard, how tall do you
figure that tree to be?

* Come ye, O come ye

15, 16 feet, tops.

They told me it was 20 feet.

What happened to
the other five feet?

* Born the King of angels.

Do you think it could
have shrunk indoors?

Don't be an idiot,
Howard. How...

* O come let us adore him.

Somebody chopped the
top off of that tree.

Darling, if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna chop your top off!

* Christ the Lord.

Now, we bring you a number
by the Caroling Carusos

led by Major Alfredo Fortuno,

and produced under the supervision
of Corporal Jackson Leibowitz.

Officers, Medici,

and the beautiful signore.

We prisoners, but no slave.

We lose,

but no punish.

We very happy in Ward 7.

We have our own
Christmas tree. Yes.

Is not big, is a little one,
but is nice.

Very nice.

We are italiani,

but hurray America!

Newman. How little is
that Christmas tree?

Five feet, sir.

Well, consider it my
contribution to the ward.

And a Merry Christmas
to you, sir.

We like to sing for you old,

very old American Indian song,

that which the Caporale Leibowitz,
very kind, is teach us.

That's Hebrew, isn't it?

To Geronimo Leibowitz,
it's Indian!

Bravo! Come on!

Excuse me.

Joe?

It's Little Jim.

Oh, no!

Remember the letter
that he gave me?

Well, he named me
his next-of-kin.

Didn't have anyone else.

Dear God!

It's all so hopeless, Joe.

You said it yourself.

We cure them,

make them strong,

so they can go out
and get killed.

And you've been through this
time and again, haven't you?

Knowing it's all so meaningless?

Little Jim didn't think so.

In the letter, he...

He thanked us for saving him.

"Back on the ball again,"
he said.

"I'm not a nobody
going nowhere."

No, he... He found
some meaning, Francie.

Man's need

to matter, and have it make some
difference that he lived at all.

Leibowitz, you're not gonna
get away with it this time!

All right!
Where is it?

Gavoni!
Where is it?

Doc, take care of him.
He needs help!

Gavoni! Gavoni!

Not only my sister's package,

but all the presents
my family sent me.

I... I gotta kill him!
I gotta kill him!

Gavoni, it's Christmas!

Well, then,
right after Christmas.

Hello, everybody!
Santa Claus is here!

Let's sing!

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way.

Very good.

* Oh, what fun it is to ride

* In a one-horse open sleigh,
hey

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride

* In a one-horse open sleigh

* Dashing through the snow

* In a one-horse open sleigh

* O'er the fields we go

* Laughing all the way

* Bells on bobtails ring

* Making spirits bright

* What fun it is
to ride and sing

* A sleighing song tonight

* Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride

* In a one-horse open sleigh

* Jingle bells, jingle bells

* Jingle all the way

* Oh, what fun it is to ride

* In a one-horse open sleigh