Captain Hagen's Bed & Breakfast (2018) - full transcript

Four couples spend the weekend at a Bed and Breakfast in the Hamptons run by an eccentric German sea captain and his strange family. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
♪ Oh heart beating ♪

♪ Oh my heart is beating ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ Gonna have a
beautiful weekend ♪

♪ With a beautiful lady ♪

♪ At Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Takin' it easy at Captain
Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Swimmin' and boozin' ♪

♪ Grillin' and schmoozin' ♪

- Preston!

We're here.

- Yes!

- It says use side door.

♪ Using the side door ♪

♪ At Captain Hagen's Bed ♪


- You woke me.

- Captain Hagen?

- Hãagen.

- Captain Hãagen.

I'm Preston Cooper.

- Yeah?

- This is my girlfriend, Sandra.

We have a reservation.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, come in.

Come in.

- It's a
pleasure to meet you.

- In Germany, we
say "guten morgen."

It means "good morning."

- Uh, it's 1:15.

- Allow me one
minute to get my hat.

- Wow, this
place is really cool.

Right, honey?

- Yeah, it's cute.

But what is the deal
with the captain?

- All the reviews
said he's a great host.

I'm sure that now
that he's awake,

he'll be much more professional.

- Pelton, Sasha, right this way.

- It's Preston.

- And Sandra.

- Think we shoulda
brought the kids.

- What are you talking about?

The whole point of this vacation

was to get away from the kids.

- I know, I just,

I'm just worried
about that babysitter.

She looks like she
might be, you know,

sexually active.

- Shelley?

She's a sweetheart.

I am looking
forward to us being,

you know, sexually active.

- So am I.

- Up we go.

Right through here.

Come on in.

Watch your head.


- Use side door?

- Hurry up.

I have many guests
arriving soon.

- Preston?

- I'm really stuck
this time, honey.

- You should have told me you
could not carry your own bags.


- I can
carry my own bags.

I just need to come
up a real stair--

- I am here, Papa.

- Felix, help this
little man up the stairs.

- That's okay, I think I got it.

- Felix!

Schãtzchen schwein,

you must push harder!

- I try, Papa.

- Felix!

Push like you have

a poop stuck in your


- Yeah, Papa, I will.

I pushed out the poopie, Papa.

- What?

I just don't get what
was so great about Randy.

I mean, he was
anti-environment, anti-animal,

plus, he was mean to you.

- You're right.

I just need to break the bond.

- What bond?

- You know, like
the chemical bond.

Like, I need to sleep
with somebody else.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.

- Yeah!

I am gonna get laid.

- Yeah!

- Thank you.

Jared, you're an amazing friend

and hopefully you
will find someone

to get laid with
too this weekend.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

- Preston?

- I'm all right.

I'm okay.

- The upper loft.

- Is this our room?

- Of course it is.

- This isn't even
a room, really.

There's no bed.

- You sleep here.

- On the floor?

- Felix!

Tell them I will be
down in one minute.

- Papa will be down in a minute!

- Use side door.

- Captain.

Captain Hagen?

- Hãagen.

- I'm so sorry, Hãagen.

Lenny, Lenny Kahn.

This is my wife, Annabelle.

- Come in.

- Excuse me, you
can't park here.

- You serious, bro?

This isn't a chill
place to park?

- No, it's not.

You're in the
middle of the yard.

- My wife, Christine

and my mother, Oma.

- Mrs. Hãagen, hello.

I'm Annabelle, this
is my husband, Lenny.

Mrs. Hãagen?

- She can not hear you.

- Sorry, bro, time
was of the essence.

Surf boards were
getting a little loose.

You know how Rico is
about his surfboard.

- I don't know who Rico is,

so how would I know how
he is with his surfboard?

- Look at him.

- You need to move your car.

- No problemo.

As soon as Rico's done.

- It is a beautiful
room, Captain.

This is our first vacation
in 11 years without the kids,

so we're not used to
having our own room.

One question, where do we?

- Hello?

Anybody here?

- It's a really nice--

- It's great.

Captain seems like a great guy.

- Yep, he does.

- Let's call the kids.

- Hello.

- Hello!

- I must apologize
again for my mother.

She is afraid of strangers.

- Okay.

What the fuck?

- Why did you book a
room with only one bed?

- I didn't, I asked for two.

I'll just sleep on
the floor, it's fine.

- No, we can share the bed.

- Really?

- Yeah.

It'll be like sleeping
next to my brother.

- When you said we were
going to the Hamptons,

I pictured myself lying
by the pool with a Cosmo,

not jammed into some attic
like a bunch of old clothes.

- We're not Jammed in here.

There's plenty of space.

There's gotta be like 50
to 60 square feet up here.

And we got it all to ourselves.

I'm gonna check
out the bathroom.

I'm sure it's lovely.

- What up, roomies?

- Oh my God.

- Captain, there are two
other guys in our room.

- You share the room with them.

- I want to propose to my
girlfriend this weekend.

She's not gonna say "yes"
if she's trapped up there

with those two doofus surfers.

- When I wanted to
impress my Christine,

I would take her to the
bakery in the morning

to smell the fresh baked bread.

It delighted her so.

- What?

No, I need a better room

or my girlfriend's
gonna make us leave.

- You seem like a good junge.

I'll tell you what I will do.

You can have my room,
the master suite.

- Really?

- Costs you twice the
price of your current room.

- Double the price,
I can't afford that.

I don't even wanna tell you
how much I spent on the ring.

I'll be in debt forever.

- Do you want Felix to show
you where the bakery is?


- I don't wanna know
where the bakery is.

I need to make a
phone call or two.

Hey, Blake.

Sorry to call you like this
but I am in a bit of a jam.

Cal, no, I'm good, listen.


I need to borrow some money.


I'll pay you back as
soon as I sell my novel.

No, I understand.

I understand completely.

Don't worry about it.


We'll take the master suite.

If you could just hold
off on cashing this

for three business days.

- Wunderbar

- This is so much
better, right honey?

- Yeah, I love it.

Okay, dad, we gotta go.

- Wait, don't hang up!

Damn it.

- Put down the phone

and pay attention to me.

- Let's go meet the neighbors.

- What neighbors?

- Oh my God, I have a
unibrow in this picture.

- Let me see.

- No.

- Knock, knock.

We're the neighbors,
Lenny and Annabelle.

- Okay, hi, I'm Kate.

- I love your top.

- Thank you.

- And you are?
- Jared.

- Jared! What do
you do, young man?

- I'm a software designer.

- Oh, great, I have a computer.

- Okay.

- I sell office furniture
but my real passion is bees.

- Bees?

- Do you like bees, Jared?

- No.

- Oh.

Do you like chocolate?

- Sure.

- You can have the rest.

- No, thank you.

- We've been married 23 years.

We have two kids,
Maggie and Jimmy.

Look, there they are.

- Gotcha.

- Do you guys have any kids?

- No.

- She doesn't even have
an engagement ring.

- Why would you assume she
would have the engagement ring?

Why couldn't I have
the engagement ring?

It's gender normatize.

- Afraid to commit, huh?

I remember that time.

I'm going to have to
sleep with only this woman

for the rest of my life?


Here's the thing, Junior--

- We're just friends.

- What?

- Yeah, we've been best
friends since college.

- Down!

- I've got
it, I've got it.

- Time!

Flip it up.

- He's beautiful.

Like I can't even handle it.

- You're beautiful.

- I know.

But seriously, like,

who has abs like that?

Like, oh my God.

- Yo, Captain.

Me and Rico wanna
practice in the water.

Is it safe to go
in the bay here?

- Yeah, why not?

- We didn't know if there
were jellyfish and sharks.

- Or swordfish.

We don't wanna get stabbed.

- True.

- I was having a
father-son talk with Felix

about what it means to be a man.

Perhaps you would
like to listen.

- Actually, we're just in the
middle of a practice sesh--

- Sit down.

- Okay.

- Hey, looks like everyone's
hanging out in the backyard.

- The fish inside a jellyfish.

This fish is swimming.

- Oh God, here
come the neighbors.

- Ugh.

Let's pretend like
we're making out.

- Wait, what?

- Let's go see what
those guys are doing.

- I think you wanna
be the jellyfish.

- Hey, guys, mind
if we join you?

- Oh, you're welcome.

However, I'm afraid
it is for men only.

- Oh.


I guess I'll catch up
with you later, dear.

So, what're we talking about?




- Well actually, I was
teaching my son and the junge

what it means to be a man.

So prepare to listen.

- With all due respect,
Captain, I'm a father myself.

I'm not sure I need any lessons.

- Well then perhaps you
have something to teach.

- Hey, what happened?

- I don't know but
they say it's men only.

- That's so sexiest.

It's discriminatory
against women.

- Why don't
you hang out with us?

- Kate.

- What? I feel bad.

Seriously, pop a squat.

- Okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, it's okay.

Really, I'll sit on the ground.

- I'll get up.

- No, I'll sit on the
ground, it's okay.

- My dad was a dick
pretty much all the time,

so the only thing
I've learned from him

was how to be an asshole.

- Yeah.

Felix is a mother's boy too.

- I am?

- Yes you are.

Your mother, may
she rest in heaven,

treated you like a baby,

so you did not become a man.

And even though you are 19
years old, you are still a baby.

- I don't want to be a baby.

- I think what the
captain's trying to say

is when you grow up you have
to start doing things yourself.

You can't rely on
your parents anymore.

- Danke, Dennis.

- Yeah.


That was deep.

- Did you just call me--

- In Germany, when we agree
with something that was said,

we say "stimmt."

It means "I agree."

- Stimmt.


- What about you, Dennis?

- Lenny.

- What troubles you?

- Nothing.

I'm great.

Glad to be here.

- I could not help but notice

that you gleefully sent
your wife away like she was

a Jew in France in 1393.

- What?

I don't, I didn't.

I don't get the
France reference,

I mean, my wife is Jewish,

but I didn't gleefully.

You said men only, so
technically you sent her away.


Back me up?

Does anyone else
wanna say something?


Hi, hi!

Hi, sir!

Coming to join our meeting?

- What?

No, I just wanna ask
the captain something.

- What is it, Pelton?

- Do you have those things
that we talked about earlier?

- Yeah.

Okay, junge.

We must adjourn the meeting.

We meet again tomorrow.

- Stimmt.

- Good, junge. Good.

- Good, junge. Good.

- Bro, what're you doing?

- Good, junge. Good.

- Felix!

Felix, you touch too much.

- Good, junge. Good!

- Come, come, come.

Christine used to keep
candles here, somewhere.

- We haven't been
properly introduced.

Lenny, Lenny Kahn.

- Hi.

I'm Preston Cooper.

- What're you fellas up to?

- I asked the captain to
find some candles for me.

I'm gonna make a candlelit
dinner for my girlfriend.

- Oh, great.

That's so romantic.

- Thanks.

- Do you mind if my
wife and I join you?

- What's that?

- Captain, I'm home!

- Why are you taking
so many pictures?

- Send to my kids.

This is daddy's new
friend, Preston.

We're cooking dinner together.


"Who gives a crap?"

Wasn't very nice.

Oh, smell that.

The ladies are gonna love it.

This is romantic.

All of us having
dinner together.

- All of us having
dinner together outside

but each person will
have their own space.

- Well, I would hope so

because I'm not
sitting on your lap.

- Maybe I'm not being clear.

You will be on the deck

and I'm gonna be
on the bay side.

It's kind of a
special dinner for me,

so I am gonna keep our line
demarcation where it is, okay?

- We're not at war, are we?

- Not yet.

- Where are we going?

- You'll see.

Wait, stay here for
one second, honey.

- Preston, what do you mean?

- No! No! No! No!

- What up, roomie?

I mean, ex-roomie.

- What the hell
are you guys doing?

I made that dinner for
me and my girlfriend!

- What?

Oh, shit.

We thought it was for us.

- Why would I make
dinner for you?

- We didn't know you made it.

We thought it was the captain.

You know, they charge
it to the room and shit.

- Okay.
- Preston?

- It's going to be okay. We're
gonna get a different dinner.

Just come this way.

We're hanging up now.

- Love you, bye.

- Surprise.

We are having dinner
with Lenny and,

um, his wife.

- Oh, wow.

- Now the life of the
hive is no picnic.

You know, there's a lot of work.

Those bees work
themselves to death

and guess who does all the work.

When they have sex
with the queen,

they die.

Can you believe it?

That's their life.

The queen does, on
her maiden flight,

when she's just hatched,

she flies out into
that drone cloud.

A lot of people think it's
the males but it's not.

They're the drone bees

and they don't do a thing.

They get blocked
out of the hive.

They freeze to death.

That's what some women should do

to deadbeat boyfriends, right?

- I have to go to bed.

- What about dessert?

- Goodnight.

- She's not a big desert person.

- Ah.

Well, I'll save you a slice.

- Great, thanks.


- Goodnight.

Hey, fellas!

You want some pie?

We can't possibly eat
this whole thing ourself.

- Oh, hell yeah.

I feel bad though.

He made it special
for his girl and shit.

- You didn't do it
on purpose, right?

- No, man.

We thought it was
in there for us.

- No, thanks, I don't smoke.

- Why not?

- He had a bad
experience in college.

Talks about it all the time.

- What happened?

- Nothing,

I just freaked out and
everyone made fun of me.

- Come on, man, you're
amongst friends.

Nobody's gonna make fun of you.

- I don't know.

- No one's gonna
make fun of you.

- I ju--

- Hit it now!

- Yes!

- You had two cookies.

- That's a lie.

- There were four on the plate

and I ate two and you ate two.

- Stop.

- What's wrong?

- I thought I butt
Skyped the kids

and they saw me smoking pot.

What was that look?

- What look?

- That look you just gave Rico.

Was that about me?

Are you making fun of me?

- No.

I mean, yeah, it was about you

but we weren't
making fun of you.

- What's so funny?

Are you laughing at me?

- I was just thinking about
the last time I smoked.

Are you feeling all right, dear?

- No, I'm not feeling all right.

I have to lay down.

- Uh, thanks
for dessert and stuff.

We'll take care of the pipe.

- Hello?


- Preston,

are you okay?

- Oh yeah, I'm fine, honey.

I'll be out in a second.


Do you mind taking
off your mask?

♪ Preston's got something
he wants to show you ♪

- Yo, Preston, can we come in?

Preston, we brought
you a piece of pie.

Sandra, we would've
brought you one

but Lenny said you don't
get down with desserts.

- What?

- Darren, you can't
come into our room.

- I hope we're not interrupting.

- You are.

- But me and Rico,

we feel really bad about
fucking up your dinner

and we wanna take
you out for drinks.

We're headed to
the bar right now.

You cats ready to roll?

- We're in bed.

So, no.

- Yeah.






- Yes, Papa.

- Come with me, now.

- I'm busy.

- Let go of your schmeckel
and come help me.

- It feels very good, Papa.

Can I help you and hold my
schmeckel at the same time?

- One of our guests
is dead on the deck!

- Who is it?

- Dennis.

- Who?

- The bald man
who wants everyone

to see pictures of his children.

- Oh, him?

I thought his name was Lenny.

- Whatever his name is,

we must get rid of his body!

Or else we will
be run out of town

like the Muslims were
run out of Spain in 1609.

So come on!

- Yah!

Is this good, Papa?

- Okay.



He lives!

- What happened?!

- We threw you in the water.

- What?!

Why did you do that?

- We thought you were dead.

- I'm not dead!

- You were lying there.

You seemed dead.

- Didn't you check my pulse?

- No.

We had to get rid of the body.

Do you have any idea what would
happen if anyone found out?

- No, I don't!

- We would be run out of
Spain like the Muslims.

- What?!

- Oh, come in, come in.

We will take care of you.

Felix will microwave
you some soup.


Have you had it?

Oh, it's delicious.

- I'm gonna go take a hot bath.

- Oh, can I join?

- I mean, I should
probably wash off first

if we're gonna get
naked together, right?

- Would you like some bread?

- No, thank you.

- Not the Vunderbread you
have down at the deli.

But some real German bread.



- Oh.

That is good bread.

- Here.


- That was a fantastic date.

Do you wanna go
back to my bedroom?

- Well,

that all depends
on the size of your


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- Did you get some work done?

- Yeah, work was good

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- Thank you so much for this.

This is exactly what I needed.

What're you doing?

- What're you doing?

- You just kissed me.

- You just kissed me.

- I was trying to
kiss you on the cheek.

- I was trying to
kiss you on the cheek.

- Okay.

- Where have you been?

- Nowhere.

Captain thought I was dead

so he and Felix threw
me into the bay.


- What?

Seriously, where were you?

- I just told you.

- You expect me to
believe that story?

- Annabelle, where
else would I be?

- I don't know, you're not here.

The whole point of this trip

was for us to spend
time together.

You've been avoiding
me the entire time.

- What're you talking about?

We're having a
great trip together.

- Lenny,

you're not hearing me.

I'm really upset.

We have a problem.

- I don't know what to say.

I love you?

- Forget it.

- I would like to see you
kiss a real woman goodnight

instead of an urn full of ashes.

- Gute nacht, Oma.

- Okay.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Uh, I'm just
gonna go downstairs.

- Preston?

Yo, Preston?


Are you awake?

- I am now.

What're you doing in our room?

- Do you have any condoms?

At least one but if
you have two, great.

Rico usually likes to
go for a second round.

- I don't have any condoms!

Get out of our room!

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure, Sandra
is on birth control.

Get out of here!

- Oh, shit.

Thanks anyway.

- Okay.

- Preston?

- What?

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight!

- Yo, Rico.

No-go on the glove-o.

She's on the pilly.

- That works, ask her for one.

- Good call.



- Darren, don't you dare!

- Don't worry, Preston.

I'm not gonna bother you again.

I have a question for Sandra.

Sandra, are you awake?

- What?

- Do you think I could barrow

one of your birth control pills?

It's for Rico.

- Are you serious?

- No, shit,

not for Rico to take.

See, he's working
his magic on a lady

and stupid me forgot the condoms

and Preston said that
you have some, so.

- Okay, you know that's not
how birth control works, right?

You can't just take
it right before sex.

- Can you take them after sex?

- No.

It takes like a month
before it starts to work.

- Really?

That's stupid.

- Get out of our room!

- I'm out! I'm out!

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

- Oh my God.

- What're you doing?

- I have to use the toilet.

- Felix, you can't
come into our room

without announcing yourself.

- I need to go pee-pee.

- Get out!

- Jared, what's up bro?

- Hey.

What're you doing?

- Nothing.

- Is that alcohol?

- Sounds like
he's trying too hard.

- Yeah.

He's always putting
on a show for me.

I thought he was really
funny and clever at first

but now it's getting
kind of annoying.

Preston means well

but he doesn't have
any fun anymore.

- It's a little harsh.

Watch out.

- Oh my God.

Thanks for warning
me ahead of time.

- Sorry.

- I'm just kidding,
don't worry about it.

- Honey, where were you?

- Shit!

- Yes!


- Um, my name's not Randy.

- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Keep going.

- Wait.

Is my name Randy?

You know the sex is good

when you can't
remember your own name.

- Yeah!

- Randy.



- I'm sorry, can you
please just be quiet?

- Ran


- So what's the deal
with you and Kate?

- No deal, we're friends.

- This is disgusting.

Pretty sure it's cooking brandy.

- Well it's doing the trick.

- You won't believe what
just happened with Darren.

He came into my room.

He thought that you could
use birth control pills

like a condom.

- God, they're so
stupid, both of them.

I mean,

"Hey, I'm Rico.

"Work out, bro?

"I've got two six packs
because one wasn't enough."

- "Yo, brah.

"Like, I'm Darren

"and I'm like so good at surfing

"I could just like
do it in the yard."

- You saw them surfing
in the yard today?

Did you see them while
they were in the bay?

- They were?

- Surfing?

- There are no waves.

- I know.

Wait, wait, wait.

This morning they pulled in,

Darren was in the
passenger's seat, right,

and Rico was behind the
car kissing his surfboard.

- What?

- Then he poured a bottle
of water on his head

and shook his head around

like he was a
Victoria Secret model.

I really don't like that guy.

Where were you?

- Hey, just went
to the bathroom.

- For two hours?

- Yeah, I couldn't sleep,

so I took a walk around
the neighborhood.

- Felix!

- What the fuck are you doing?!

- I'm announcing myself.

- Oh my God.

- Felix!

- Good morning, beautiful.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ In the morning,
Preston's girl ♪

♪ Is so beautiful ♪

♪ Every morning, waking up ♪

- Preston, please stop.

- All right.

Well, I got an idea for you.

♪ Breakfast in bed ♪

♪ Breakfast in bed ♪

♪ Preston's gonna get you
some breakfast in bed ♪


I swear to God if
you're coming in to.

- Sardine?

- What? No.

I was just gonna go out
and get some breakfast.

- This is breakfast.

- Are you kidding me?

- Sardine?

- Fuck, Felix, you can't
come into our room like that!

- Darren, Rico?

We going to the beach or what?

- Yo, Darren, come on let's go.

- Hey, okay, but don't
bang her out again.

I'm telling you, Jared
was really pissed.

- All right, all right.

- Darren, Rico!

Let's go!

- Whoa!


This place is like
a haunted house.

- Sardine?

- Oh, hell yeah.

- Guys, let's go.

- All right, yo.

- Hold up!

- Where's Jared?

- I don't know, he said he
had a lot of work to do.

- Oh, bummer.

- Felix, are you coming
to the beach with us?

- Double bummer.

- That's
what we all want.

That's what the ladies want.

Girls love big dicks!

- Hello?

- So keep pushing.

Keep pushing the
blood up to the head.

Up to the head.

Three more.



Zero, all right guys.

Shake it out,
shake it out, yeah.

So, let's switch it up.

Put your right hand around
the base of the penis

and with your left hand

push the blood to the head.

Push the blood to the head.

- Felix, what the fuck?

Get out from underneath there!

Dude, I told you,

you can't keep coming
into our room like that!

- Is that what I must
do to make the sex?

- What?

- That.

Is that what I must
do to make the sex?

- Why are you asking
me that question?

- I want to make the sex.

Must I make my schmeckel bigger?

- Your schmeckel?

- Up your
penis to the head.

This causes enlargement.

The blood causes enlargement.

Say it with me, guys.

- What're you doing, bro?

Jared, remember?

- I'm sorry.

Kate makes me
forget about things.

- I know, bro.

I know.

- Captain?




Captain, can I talk
to you for a second?

- What is it, Pelton?

- People keep coming
into our room.

Darren, Rico, Felix.

It's unacceptable.

- Come with me.

We will talk about it.

- Come where you where?

- Sorry, bro.

I wanted to make it up to
you that we took your dinner.

And then I thought, who
better to ask for a condom

than the guy banging out the
hottest girl in the house?

- Darren, you can't come
into our room uninvited.

- Did I interrupt something?

You seem like you guys
were just chilling.

- It doesn't matter
what we were doing.

You can't come into our room.

But, as a matter of fact,
you did interrupt something.

I've been trying to propose
to my girlfriend all weekend

and you guys keep messing it up.

- Are you serious, bro?


- We cockblocked
our boy Preston.

We promised never to
cockblock any of our boys.

- Shit!


I fucked it up.

I'm worthless.

I'm a worthless piece of shit.

- Is that what you believe

or is that what your
father says about you?

- Huh?

- Well, it is one
thing for your father

to say something about you

but it is another for
you to believe it.

- Darren, I didn't
mean to single you out.

- As for you, Pelton.

You blame the junge
for blocking your cock,

but you could be asking
your lady's hand in marriage

as we speak, could you not?

- I'm not gonna propose
in the middle of the day.

- Why not?

- Because we just got
back from the beach.

Everyone's just hanging around.

- What is really stopping you?

- I need everything
to be perfect.

- Why?

- Because it's a proposal.

- What are you afraid of?

- What do you think?

That she'll say no.

- Yeah, now we're
getting somewhere.

Why are you afraid?

- I just am.

- Preston, I've been there.

I had a million doubts
running through my head

when I proposed to Annabelle.

You just gotta go for it.

She'll say yes.

- Oh my Lord, are they
having another men's meeting?

- Yep.

- Hey, are you okay?

- I'm a little tired.

I didn't get a lot
of sleep last night.

Someone was having
very loud sex.

- Oh.

- I thought you and
Jared were just friends.

- Oh, we are.

- Well then who?

- Rico.

- Wow.

How did that happen?

- No, I don't want that.

- What do you want?

- I wanna
make love to my wife.

- And what is stopping you?

- I don't know.

I know it sounds terrible but

I'm just not attracted
to her anymore.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

- I can't believe you're
mad that I proposed to you.

- It was so embarrassing!

Why would you think
it was a good idea

to gather all the people in
the restaurant around our table

and then propose to me?

- Because I wanted
to make it special.

- And that song, oh my God.

- Baby, you love my songs.

- Preston,

I can't stand your songs.

- Baby, you do not mean that.

- Get away from me!

- But I love you.

- I can't do this anymore.

- Do what?

- We have to break up.

- I don't understand.

What did I do wrong?

- Nothing.

You rock.

I just can't do my
man Jared like that.

- What?

What does Jared have
to do with this?

- Duh!

He's in love with
you, you know that.

- No I don't.

He's never said
anything like that.

He's not in love with me.

- I'm sorry, dude.

Bros before hoes.

- Fuck you!

- Whoa.

This is crazier than the time

Lucy found the used condom
in Eugen's bike helmet.

- Fuck you two, Darren.


- Shit.

- What was I supposed to do?

If I hooked up with
Kate, I hurt Jared.

If I didn't, I hurt Kate.

- It was a suicide mission.

- I
want you to fuck me.

- I can't get an erection.

- What's the problem?

- I don't know, it's
just not working.

- You don't want to
have sex with me,

you don't wanna talk to me,

you don't even wanna
be alone with me.

- That's not true.

- And you won't acknowledge
there's a problem.

Do you know how small
that makes me feel?

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

I really think you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.

- Oh, fuck you, Lenny.

I don't want you in this room.

Find someplace else to sleep.

- What? You don't mean that.

- Now.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm fine. Go away.

- You know, the captain has

this really tasty
bread from Germany.

I don't know what it's called.

All I know is it's not
called Vunderbread.

Anyway, I was gonna make
myself a grilled cheese.

You want one?

- You know, like,
bro code or whatever,

which is stupid because
Jared hates Rico.

Rico is just a rebound

but when two guys break up
with you in the same week,

like that really
hurts, you know?

- Hey,

look at me.

That's their loss.

A guy would have to
be stupid or dead

not to wanna be with you.

I wouldn't give those
dolts a second thought.

- Thanks, Lenny.

And thank you for
this grilled cheese.

You're right, this
bread is amazing.

- I know.

Leave it to the Germans.

Honey, wake up.

I wanna make love.

- You do?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry about the
way I've been acting.

You've just been mom so long,

it took me awhile to
see you as lover again.

But I'm there now.

- What are you doing?

- I just took my bath with Oma.

Same time every night.

- Okay, well that's weird.

- Do you want to see my
big schmeckel workout?

- What?

- I make my schmeckel bigger.

Do you want to make the sex now?

- Oh yes!



- Just what I was looking for.

- Stuff is really terrible.

- Mhmm.

So what's with you?

- I broke up with Preston.

- Really?

- I just couldn't
take it anymore.

- Poor guy.

- Poor guy?

He was smothering me.

Why am I the bad guy?

- No, you're not the bad guy.

I'm just frustrated.

Women seem to go for
big guys with big dicks.

- What're you talking about?

Big dicks?

Is that really what you think?

- Yeah.

That's what women want, right?

- No.

Not really.

Definitely not more than
a lot of other things.

- Like what?

- Confidence, honesty.

You really think
that Kate is gonna

one day realize she's in love
with you and come running?

- No, this isn't about Kate.

I'm just talking in
general, most people.


- Jared,

you love her.

You're so passive.

Be a man.

Tell her how you feel.

- Guten morgen.

- Sorry, I didn't see you there.

- You must stop apologizing
for being alive in the world.

Sit down.

- No thanks.

Kinda wanna be alone right now.

- Please?

I want you to hear this too.

- Fine.

- I was just saying that

I had sex with
Annabelle last night

but I was thinking about
Kate the whole time.

I feel terrible.

I couldn't even look my wife
in the eye this morning.

- What's wrong with that, Lenny?

- Lenny, what's
so bad about that?

Whole time I was
banging out Charlene,

I was thinking
about other girls.

- You were?

- Every dude does that, Lenny.

- Really?

- No wonder you can not
make love to your wife,

you poor bauerntölpel.

I used to watch "Ich Ficke
Deine Mutter und Schwester"

before I made love
to my Christine.

- What's that?

- Pornographic film.

Very popular in Germany.

- Whoa, porn?

I don't know about that.

That's nearly cheating.

I love my wife.

- And I didn't love mine?

You arschgefickter hurensohn!

Your wife cannot feel your
love if you lie next to her

like a wertlos scheissekopf!

You must do whatever it takes
to sex her all the time.

- I make a sex last night, Papa.

- Not now, Felix.

Do you realize how little time
your really have with her?

You must love her every moment.

- Preston.

- Let him go where he must.

- Sandra dumped me.

I proposed to her
and she dumped me.

I shoulda become an
accountant like my father,

then I would've had the money

to give her the
life she deserves.

Been able to buy
her a better car.

Take her to a better
bed and breakfast.

No offense, Captain.

- When I wanted to
impress my Christine,

I would take her to the
bakery in the morning

to smell the fresh baked bread.

- I know, you told me.

I fail to see the relevance.

- That's because you are
not really listening.

I took Christine
to smell the bread

because I could not
afford to buy the bread.

Your woman wants you to
take care of her, yeah,

but not with money.

With love.

- I do love her.

- No, not really.

Oh, you're nice to her.

You kiss her, you
do what you think

a man who loves a woman
is supposed to do.

But you are not capable
of truly loving her

until you love yourself.

And that is the real problem.

You do not love yourself.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Can I tell you about last night?

- Maybe I shoulda
never hooked up

with Kate in the first place.

- You let your shmeckel
do the thinking.

- I think we've all
been guilty of that.

- Let your brain do the thinking

and your shmeckel
do the talking.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Speaking of Jared.

- Should I ask him to join us?

- No, the junge is hurting.

Let's go to him.

- What's happening?

- Jonas--

- Captain, may I?

- Please.

- Jared,

this is a safe place

and we all wanna help.

We know you're in
pain around Kate

and around having a small penis.

- What?

I don't have a small penis.

- Felix told us about
the dick workout.

- So what do you think turned
him on all of a sudden?

- I don't know.

All I know is that I liked it

and I'm not gonna question it.

Sometimes it's best
not to analyze.

- I know what you mean.

- I also had some really
good sex last night.

- I know, I heard
you and Rico again.

- No, not Rico.

It was Felix.

- Felix?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry for
banging out Kate.

I shouldn't have done that.

- Don't forget about the anal.

- Oh yeah, also--

- Please don't.

- We did anal.

- That means instead of doing
sex regular in the front,

they did it in the back.

- Yeah, I know what
anal is, Darren.

- I let my shmeckel
do the thinking.

- Okay, can you
just get off me now?


Thank you.

- Jared, you know,

Kate threw herself at
Rico all day yesterday

and Rico rejected her
out of loyalty to you.

- How do you know that?

- Kate told me.

- I am also sorry.

I put my shmeckel in Kate too.

- You, I get.

But you?

Why would she hook up
with you and not me?

- Because you are not
worthy of her love.

- Oh, thanks.

- Well, that's what
you believe, isn't it?

- No, it's not.

- Yes it is.

You're just like me.

I don't love myself either.

- Enough!

You both believe some
bogus story in your heads.

You don't have enough money.

You don't have enough dick.


You're both kick-ass dudes.

Believe that!

- Stimmt!

- Stimmt!

- Stimmt!

- Did you really not know
that he had feelings for you?

- No, I didn't.

I mean, maybe I did.

I just didn't wanna let
myself think about it

because I didn't want to scare
off the friendship, you know?

It sucks because I adore Jared.

I really, really do.

- If you don't mind my asking,

what's wrong with
him, he seems great?

- Have you seen my
cellphone charger?

I can't seem to find it.


Oh, honey.


- It means I wanna fuck you.

- Fuck me, Lenny!

Fuck me!

- Mom!
Dad! What the hell?!

- Oh crap, I butt
Skyped the kids.

- Hey, man, can we get
in on your dick workout?

Felix said he tried it once

and his dick is already
a little bit bigger.

- Did he?

- Yeah, can
we do it with you?

- Why?

You guys already have big dicks.

- Huh?

No they're not.

- Wait, you guys think
you have small dicks?

- Let's work out.

- Thumb
and your forefinger

and put it on the
base of your penis.

Then with your other hand--

- Wow!

My cock looks bigger already.

- Yeah, I can see
that from here.

- Probably just placebo affect.

I've been doing this
workout for three months

and it's only a little bigger.

- Does he know about
the finger trick?

- You know about
the finger trick?

- No, what finger trick?

- You know your dick?

- Yeah.

- You know how it gets hard
when you're about to have sex?

- I'm familiar with
an erection, Darren.

- You know how you stick
it in a girl's pussy?

- I know what sex
is Darren, yes.

What's the finger trick?

- The whole time
you're having sex,

rub her clit with your finger.

She'll go crazy.

Trust me on this one.

- Wait,


Do you do that too?

- Also, man,

gotta get rid of that bush.

Your long pubs are dangling
in front of your cock.

See how we shaved?

It makes our cocks look bigger.

- Don't worry, bro,

Rico is a pro.

Trust me.

Hey, there you are.

He's got a dick!

He's got a dick!

He's got a dick!

- Yeah!

- What is happening?

- Love yourself, bro.

- Yep,

that's my dick.

That's what I'm working with.

- Jared, why?

- Guys, can you
give us a minute?

- For sure.

- Get out!


- Oh.

- That was so


- Jared, I--

- Kate, I'm in love with you.

I should've told
you sooner, but--

- Why didn't you?

- I was scared.


In my mind,

I'm not good enough for you.

I'm not Randy or Rico.

I mean, look at me.


- Jared, the size of your
penis doesn't matter.

I care so much about you.

But I can't change
the way that I feel.

I really hope we can
still be friends.

- Yeah,

I'm sorry,

but I can't do that.

I can't.

I can't be around you
and be your friend.

- Fuck him.

- Annabelle?

I have something I
have to tell you.

When we're having sex,

I wasn't thinking about you.

- That's okay.

I wasn't thinking
about you either.

- You weren't?

Who were you thinking about?

- The Captain.

- The Captain?!

- I was thinking,

I was imagining him

fucking me against the big
steering wheel of his ship.

- Annabelle!

You've got a dirty mind.

You wanna be fucked
by the Captain, huh?

- I do.

- Well, guten morgen fraulein.

Annabelle, I am trying
to stay in character.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Fuck me, Captain, fuck me!

Full steam ahead!

- Preston, I really
fucked up your shit.

I wanna make it up to you.

I'm gonna help you do
the perfect proposal.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt?

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

Just give me a minute here.



I've been planning this
moment since our first date.

But you're right.

This doesn't work.

- Preston, is Sandra coming?

We're ready!

- She's not coming.

I called it off.

- You serious, bro?

What happened?

- You know,

I deserve someone
who loves me for me.

She's not the one.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Do you love yourself?

- I'm working on it.

- Only when you truly love
yourself can you love another.

- I'm sorry, Captain,
I have to interrupt.

Do you love yourself?

- What?

- Do you love yourself?

- Yeah, of course.

- Then you can love another too.

- I did.

My Christine.

- I mean another
besides Christine.

It doesn't disrespect Christine

or take anything away
from your love for her.

- She was my one true love.

- I know she was, Captain,

but I want you to
experience love again

and the only that's
going to happen

is if you let Christine go.

You have to let her go.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- Stimmt.

- What the hell is going on?

- I'm letting go.

- The boy too.

He's not still a baby
because of his mother.

He's still a baby
because of you.

He'll never become a man
until you let him go.

I didn't mean right this second.

- No, no, you're right.

He must become a man
on his own, yeah?

Goodbye, son.

- Goodbye, Papa.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Are you driving
back to the city?

- Yeah.

- Can I get a ride?

- Sandra, I like you

and not just as a friend
but more than that.

- What're you doing?

- Being a man, telling
you how I feel.

There's more to being a man

than telling a
women how you feel.

There's showing her too.

What're you doing?

- Finger trick.

- What?

- Watch.

- Oh my God!

Oh my God.

- No way.

Is Jared finally
banging out Kate?

- I gotta see this.

- Me too!

- What the?

- Sandra?

- Jared!

- Hells to the yeah!

- I'm gonna cum.

- Sure you
don't wanna stay

and surf in the backyard?

- I think I'll pass.

- All right
but you're missing out

on some killer waves back there.

- Hey.

Any chance I could hitch a
ride back to Williamsburg?

- Yeah, sure.

♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪

♪ Williamsburg ♪

Oh, stupid.

- No, that was awesome.

♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪

♪ Williamsburg ♪

♪ Williamsburg ♪

♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪

- Kate?

- Preston?

- Yeah!

Hells to the yeah!

- Pelton!


You forgot your hat.

- That's not my hat.

- Look inside.

- What?


- For the bakery.

- I don't know what to say.

- In Germany we say, "bis bald."

It means, "see you soon."

- Bis bald.

- The Captain is my captain
and always will be my captain!

♪ Oh heart beating ♪

♪ Oh heart beating ♪

♪ Oh my heart is beating ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ Gonna have a beautiful
weekend, yeah ♪

♪ At Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Taking it easy at Captain
Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Swimmin' and boozin' ♪

♪ Grillin' and smoozin' ♪

♪ Making love at sunset ♪

♪ And again in the morning ♪

♪ Takin' it easy ♪

♪ Never get sleazy ♪

♪ The weather is breezy ♪

♪ This song is so cheesy ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

♪ This is my song ♪

♪ At Captain Hagen's
Bed and Breakfast ♪

- Put a bunch of
lube on your cocks

because this is gonna
be a real workout.

Once you're fully lubed up,

take your thumb
and your forefinger

and put it around the
base of your penis.

Then with your other hand,


stretch and push.