Captain Fantastic (2016) - full transcript

Ben and Leslie Cash have long lived largely off the grid with their offspring - Bodevan, Kielyr, Vespyr, Rellian, Zaja and Nai - in a cabin in the mountains of Washington state. The parents have passed their ideals to their children, namely socialism (in its various forms) and survivalism. With the former, Ben considers most of western society as being fascist, especially corporate America. With the latter, he figures that no one will or should be there for you, so you better learn how to take care of yourself in all its aspects. As such, the children have been subject to vigorous physical training, know how to deal with minor bumps, bruises, cuts, sprains and even fractures, and know how to hunt, forage and grow their own food. The children are also non-registered home schooled, meaning that they have no official academic records. Ben and Leslie have tried to make the children critical thinkers, however within the context of their ideals. Beyond these issues, Ben and Leslie made the decision to live this lifestyle for Leslie's health. Formerly a lawyer, Leslie was diagnosed as bipolar. Ben figures that this disorder started with her post-partum depression with Bo. Even with this lifestyle, Leslie's condition has become progressively worse. Despite not believing in western medicine, Ben, to deal with the illness, has sent Leslie to hospital, one close to Ben's sister, Harper, in Sacramento so that there can be family close by. While in hospital, Leslie is able to commit suicide. Beyond the collective grief, Leslie's act brings out a battle between Ben, and Leslie's father, Jack Bertrang, a wealthy Christian, who not only blames Ben for what happened to Leslie, but believes what he is doing to the children can legally be considered abuse. To be held in their church in New Mexico, Jack takes over the funeral arrangements to his and his complacent wife Abby's Christian morals, against what Ben knows was Leslie's wishes, she who believed in Buddhist philosophies. Although Jack threatens to call the police if Ben shows up to the funeral, he and the children believe it is the latest of their missions to rescue Leslie to honor her last wishes to be cremated as per Buddhist philosophies. This mission not only may bring the divide between Jack and Ben to a head, but may also bring out some long seated issues within the Cash children as they are exposed to commercial America in all its good and bad, and as Bo grows into manhood, he who may have his own ideas of what he should do with the next phase of his life.

Today, the boy is dead.

And in his place

is a man.

Here you go.

Training in 60 minutes.

Where's the boning knife ?

Dad ?

Zaja took
the boning knife again.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Pol Pot.


Boning knife.

Mountain beaver, huh ?


You're dead.

Vespyr, Kielyr, pair off.

Get your guard up.

You have to stab to kill.

Aim for the liver or the kidneys,
otherwise she'll never learn.

Shouldn't we aim here ?

A knife in the lungs
creates a pneumothorax.

Or next to the sternum,
to penetrate the heart ?

That'd be instant death.

If it makes you happy, Zaj, sure.
Aim for the heart.

Bo, you want to show 'em ?
Over here.

Okay, let's go.

Disarm her if you can.

Ow !


How is that good ?
She just stabbed me.

She fucking just stabbed me.

Well, then learn
to defend yourself.

You kill her.
Yeah, thank you.

Let's try that.

Zaj, page.

Three hundred
and ninety-eight.

You still liking it ?

To stay on schedule
for the test,

you're going to have to be
finished in eight days. Okay ?


Vesp ? How you getting along ?

I just finished Chapter 12,

"The World on a String."

What ?

Are you having any trouble
with quantum entanglement ?

Planck length
versus Planck time ?

I'm fine.

Then tomorrow after lunch,

you can give a brief
presentation on M-theory.

Argue counterpoints with Bo and
Rell vis-?-vis Witten and Dirac.

Whoo !

Go. Go all the way
to the top.

If training is over today, can
we take Steve somewhere for class later ?


Why does Mommy have
to be gone so long ?

She hasn't been
gone very long.

it's been three months,

two weeks, six days,
and 11 hours.

Mom is very ill.

Don't talk to us like
we're your inferiors.

Bo is right. Mom needs to
be in the hospital right now.

But you said hospitals are
only a great place to go

if you're a healthy person
and you want to die.

You said Americans are
undereducated and over medicated.

You said the AMA
are avaricious whores

only too willing to spread
their fat legs for Big Pharma.

All of those things
are true.

But Mom does not have enough of
the neurotransmitter serotonin

to conduct electrical
signals in her brain.

Exactly when is
Mom coming back ?

That's what I'm
going to go find out.

Be good, monkey butts.

See you later, Dad.

Bye, guys.


Are you coming in ?

No ? Okay. Bye.

Here, Bo, I got that.
Go talk to them.

We got time.

Ask her what she thinks
of the working people

creating an armed revolution
against the exploiting classes

and their state structures ?

Well, Marxists can be just
as genocidal as capitalists.

Or whether or not she's a
dialectical materialist

and accords primacy
to the class struggle ?

Avoid Marxism.

Or telling her
you're a Trotskyite.


Only a Stalinist would call
a Trotskyist a Trotskyite.

And I'm not
a Trotskyist anymore.

I'm a Maoist.


I forgot, sorry.


Hey, Joe.

I sold all your
stuff from last time.

Let's see what you got.

Hello ?

How's she doing ?

Harper ?

Harper ?

Leslie killed
herself last night.

How ?


Harper, tell me.

She slit her wrists.

You're my brother.
If you need anything from me...

Last night,

Mommy killed herself.

She finally did it.

Your mother is dead.

Nothing is going to change.

We will go on living
in exactly the same way.

We're a family.


Mom !

Mom ! Mom !

Fuck you ! Fucking...

Mom ! Mom !

I hate you !

Fuck !


Jesus fucking Christ.

- Forty-three.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go !



Hold plank.

Like boards.

Breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe.

You got it.

Keep holding.

You're strong, you can do it.

Dad, when's Mom's funeral ?

The utter recklessness,

the instability and insecurity that
you have brought to her life...

We decided to live here.
Both of us.

This is your fault.

Leslie had a disease.

She had to be in
a good facility.

You were kind enough
to offer to pay for it

as long as she was
treated near you.

We did that.

I found her will.

I assume you know
that Leslie was a Buddhist.

That means she wanted to be
cremated, not buried.

It was very
important to her...

I have just
lost my only child.

I'm in no mood to discuss the
particulars of her funeral with you.

Wherever you are, stay there !

You are not welcome here.

If you show up,
I will have you arrested.

Jack ? God damn it.

Hello, Ben.

Leslie is in Heaven now.
She is finally at peace.

When is the ceremony ?

It's in five days,
in New Mexico, at our church.

How are the children ?

Did you hear
what Jack just said ?

It's been years.

He said that he would have
me arrested if we go there.

Did you hear that ?

He's very upset.

It's just best to
do what he says.

It doesn't make any sense.

I mean, who are they
to make these decisions ?

It's this sick sense of entitlement
that they all seem to have.

This is what we stand against,
this is what Mom stood against.

Mom hated that world.

Clothes on when
we eat, please.

It's completely unjust,
that's what it is.

We're in the very unique
position of hating those people.

- Can "unique" be modified ?
- No.

We don't hate
Nana and Grandpa,

but the rest of their tribe
are fascist capitalists.

You're just repeating
whatever Dad says.

I'm writing down everything you say.
In my mind.

Do you even know
what a fascist is ?

Violent, nationalist militants.

Supported by big business and their
totalitarian single-party dictators.

We're her family, we have to go.
Grandpa said we can't.

What will happen
if they arrest you ?

Will they take
us away from you ?

That's a possibility.


Wake up.

Wake up, grizzly bear,
my fantastic man.

What we're doing out
here is so incredible.

The kids are amazing.

But you have to take care
of them for me, okay ?

I love you all so much.

I love you so much.

We want to see Mom.

Plus, Grandpa can't
oppress us.

We want
to honor her life.

It's the least
you could do.

What's that
supposed to mean ?

You know.

No, I don't.

Forget it. But I know.

We're strong and we're ready.
I said no.

Too risky.

We're defined by our actions,
not our words.

give us the mission.

Mission: Rescue Mom !

Training in
10 minutes.

Oh, fuck !

Rell ?

Can you flex
your fingers ?


Stay calm. Think.
Observe. And plan.

If you hit the rocks below you,
you'll die from blunt force trauma.

Or internal bleeding from
massive bone fracturing.

Or splenic flexure
of the large intestine.

Yes, thank you, Zaj.

I can't, my hand.

There's no cavalry.

No one will magically appear
and save you in the end.


You got it.
Good boy.

All right, let's go.

Class time on Steve.
We're going up to the glacier.

Let's go.

We can't go to
Mommy's funeral.

We have to do
what we're told.

Some fights,
you can't win.

The powerful control the
lives of the powerless.

That's the way
the world works.

It's unjust and it's unfair.

But that's just
too damn bad.

We have to shut up
and accept it.

Well, fuck that.

So they know we're coming !

Mommy ! Mommy !
Mommy ! Mommy ! Mommy !

Attention all campers,
this is your captain speaking.

Here we have the embodiment
of Calvin Coolidge's statement

that the business of
America is business.

Our democracy is one of
the brightest lights

of social justice
in the history of humankind.

And yet most of our fellow citizens
engage in frenzied shopping

as their primary form
of social interaction.

"Come on down, let's go shopping !"

"These prices are insane !"

- What's a bordello ? Oh.
- A whorehouse.

What are you reading ?

Lolita ?
I didn't assign that book.

I'm skipping ahead.

And ?

- It's interesting.
- "Interesting !"

Illegal word !

Dad, Kielyr
said "interesting !"

is a non-word.

You know you're supposed
to avoid it.

Be specific.

It's disturbing.
More specific.

Can I just read ?

After you give us
your analysis thus far.

There's this old man
who loves this girl,

and she's only 12 years old.
That's the plot.

Because it's written
from his perspective,

you sort of understand
and sympathize with him.

Which is kind of amazing

because he's essentially
a child molester.

But his love for her
is beautiful.

But it's also sort of a trick
because it's so wrong.

You know, he's old,
and he basically rapes her.

So it makes me feel...

I hate him.

And somehow I feel sorry
for him at the same time.

Well done.

What does "rape" mean ?

When a person, usually a man,

forces another person,
usually a woman,

to have sexual intercourse.


- Who's hungry ?
- Me !

What's "sexual intercourse" ?

When a man sticks his penis
in a woman's vagina.

Everyone keep their
eyes peeled for deer.

Why would a man stick his
penis in a woman's vagina ?

Because it can give
them both pleasure.

And because the combination
of a man's sperm

and a woman's egg
can create a baby

and continue the human race.

But that's where she pees.

Pee comes not from the vagina,
but from the urethra,

which is within
the outer labia.

But generally speaking, yes,
that is where she pees.

Everyone keep your eyes open
for game of any kind.


Now what ?

What's wrong with everyone ?

Are they sick ?

What do you mean ?
Everyone's so fat.

Yeah, they are.
Fat like hippos.

That's not nice to say.
But look !

Okay, you can think that,
but we don't make fun of people.

- Right, Dad ?
- That's right.

We don't make fun
of people.

Except Christians.

Dad ? Dad ?


This, right now,
this is your first real test.

Stay calm,
remember your training.

How you doing today ?

Morning, Officer.

Can I see your license
and registration, please ?


Nice rig.
Thank you.

I pulled you over because your
back left taillight is out.

Did you know that ?

No, I didn't.
I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

No school today ?

Not yet.

Man, by his sin, has
become separated from God.

And only through personally
accepting the gift

of reconciliation purchased
by Jesus on the cross

can he regain his
fellowship with God.

We're home-schooled.
Father, may I ?

You may.

One day when Heaven
was filled with his praises

One day when
sin was as black as could be

Jesus came forth
to be born of a virgin

Dwelt among men,
my example is He

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me

I really should go.

Buried, He carried
my sins far away

Seriously... Look,
I really need to get going.

Sorry about that, I gotta get back to work.
Sounds great.

When you get a minute,
fix that taillight, okay ?

I'll do it
right away, sir.

Have a good day, guys.
God bless.

God bless !

Power to the people.

Stick it to the man.

They're just
standing there.

I miss Mom.


No. No Esperanto.
I'm not joking.

No foreign language unless the
language is spoken by all.

You know the rule.

No Esperanto ! Please.

I'm hungry.

Well, then maybe one of you should
have shot the fucking sheep.

They have hot dogs !

What's "cola" ?
Poison water.

Can I have
the grilled cheese ?


What's a "milkshake" ?

Dad, can I have
a hamburger and fries ?

Can I have pancakes ?

Okay, everyone up.
We're outta here.

What ? No, why ?

Because there's no actual
food on this menu. Let's go.

Are you okay ?

An old man's having a heart attack !
Call 911 !

Call 911 !

Everyone, get back !

My pills !

I'm okay.
He's okay now.

Sir ?

Sir ?

Sir ?

Sir ?
Sorry about the fuss.

Are you sure we can't get you
an ambulance or anything ?

No, I just forgot
to take my pills.

I'm fine now, really.

Where else
can we improve ?

Flawed exit strategy.
Everyone went out the same doors.

No one utilized the
loading dock area at all.

If it got blocked, we'd all be trapped.

Inadequately planned
extraction point.

We probably shouldn't have all
gone directly to the bus.

Predetermined pick-ups would
have been much less risky.

On the plus side,
Mission: Free the Food, accomplished.

Mission: Free the Food !
Top marks all around.

Now, if you'd all do me a
favor and close your eyes.

You may open your eyes.

Happy Noam Chomsky Day.

But Noam was born
on December 7th.

Well, we're
celebrating it today.

Yes !

So good.

Uncle Noam,
it's the day of your birth !

Uncle Noam,
it's the day of your birth !

Uncle Noam, it's the day
of your birth ! Uncle Noam !

Uncle Noam, Uncle Noam !

All hail !

Here we go. Nai.

Thank you.



Kielyr, Vespyr, Zaj.

All right, go for it.

Dad !

Fifty-five-pound pull,
laminated wood and glass.

Whoa !

A KA-BAR fighting knife ?

That's right.
Thanks, Dad !

It's so beautiful.

Seven-inch blade,
partially serrated,

well-balanced if
you dip when you cut.



Those are Black Storm broadheads.
Razor sharp.

What kind of crazy person
celebrates Noam Chomsky's birthday

like it's some kind
of official holiday ?

Why can't we celebrate Christmas
like the rest of the entire world ?

You would prefer to celebrate
a magical fictitious elf

instead of
a living humanitarian

who's done so much to promote
human rights and understanding ?

Okay, well,
let's have a discourse.

- Forget it.
- No, explain.

Take the opportunity
to make your case.

We're all open to hearing
your arguments.

And if they're valid
and you persuade us,

I'm sure we'd all be willing
to change our minds. Right ?

- Yeah.
- Use your words.

Ah !

Yes ! Thanks, Dad !
You're welcome.

Do you guys need a hand ?

- No, we're fine.
- No, we got it.

All right.

Jackson, not at the table.

All right.

Well, I am so happy

that our family is together.

Thanks for
putting on this feast.

It's all local and, um,
organic and non-GMO, so...

How did you kill
those chickens ?

With an ax
or a knife ?

I didn't have
to kill the chickens.

It's a rotisserie chicken,
so you buy it.

It's already dead.
Or cooked. On a thing.

- Dig in.
- All right.

Ben, some wine ?

Dad, can I have
some wine ?

- Sure, why not ?
- Ben. No.

Children don't drink wine.

In France,
and other countries,

children drink small amounts
of wine all the time.

It's a digestive.
It's not crack.

What's crack ?

Crack is a crystallized,
highly addictive derivative

of the stimulant cocaine.

In the mid-1980s,

it accelerated the decimation
of inner-city neighborhoods.

Crackheads, some of them kids
just like you guys,

were killing each other over nothing,
over their Nikes.

They killed each
other for Nike ?

The Greek winged
goddess of victory ?

He's joking, right ?

They're like Adidas.
Who's Adidas ?

You're serious ?

They're shoes.



We're, uh...

I'm sorry for your loss.

We're devastated.

We're just so sorry.
Thank you, Dave.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm like...

It's okay. We all know you
had issues with Leslie.

- What ?
- It's not a secret.

I wouldn't say that.
Why would you...

Last time we saw you, you
called her a "fucking bitch."

- Ben.
- What ? It's fine.

My kids remember.
Don't you, guys ?


Wait, no.
I said that...

We were all having a huge,
uh, fight about sugar.

I had given the kids some,
what, Frosted Mini-Wheats.

And the extremity
of her position...

She was yelling at me,
she pushed me, and I said...

"Don't be such
a fucking bitch."

I didn't say that.

They're just words.
Your words, but just words.

Not spoken
in this house.

No, it's inappropriate for him to
say that in front of the kids.

Absolutely, understood.
It won't happen again.


Dad, how did
Aunt Leslie die ?

Aunt Leslie was sick

and she had, uh, complications
from her sickness.


She had a mental illness.

Bipolar affective disorder.

We think it started
right after Bo was born.

Probably a form of
postpartum psychosis.

She'd have violent mood
swings ranging from mania,

where she'd be elated

and make elaborate
plans for the future,

to severe depression where
she'd become almost catatonic.

Utterly without hope.

We didn't understand
what was happening.

We don't need to talk about
this in front of the children.

These are details that are...

The doctors, uh, put her
in the hospital,

they gave her medicine,
but she was really sick.

And she died.

Sick people die.

Sometimes they...
They die.

She died 'cause of...

Because of...
Because of the sickness.

She slit her wrists.

She killed herself.
That's what happened.

Or that.

Excuse me.

Here you go, sweetie.
Thank you.


- To Mom.
- To Mom.


Combo !

Extreme combo !

Victory !

We're just doing
the best we can, Ben !

That's all anybody is doing !
So am I !

Just the best
that we know how.

I'm really sorry it doesn't
live up to your high standards !

I tell the truth to my kids.
I don't lie to my kids.

Protecting children
from certain concepts

that they are too young
to understand

is not lying to them.

Guys ! We have
neighbors, okay ?

Look, it's a very
hard time right now.

Everybody's still
a little raw.

Can we just try to, come on,
put this to bed, all right ?

I apologize.

I'm sorry for not respecting the way
you guys do things in your home.

Thank you for saying that.

I know Leslie had been sick for a long
time, but I cannot imagine how difficult

this time must be for you.

what are you doing ?

We're sleeping
under the stars.


We made up
the rec room downstairs,

- for a sleepover.
- Yeah.

We're fine here.
We're fine.


Why do they
have to take showers ?

They're not taking a shower.
I mean, it looks like a shower,

but it's really a gas chamber.

put that thing away

or I'm going to put it in the
microwave, press "Popcorn."

All right.

Actually, why don't
you take your cousins

and go show them
your action figure guys ?

Why ?

Because they may never
have seen them before.

It might be fun.

So, can we play
Xbox afterwards ?

One game. Go.

Yes !

Thank you. Yeah, try it.

How are the kids doing ?
They're strong.

How long have you been out there,
wherever it is you're living now ?

We left Boulder
when Bo was three.

And then we were on that
farm we had in Oregon

until he was eight.

So, we bought the land
in the forest 10 years ago.

How do you still
have money ?

We only buy what we need.

Look, Harper and I
have been talking.

The kids need
structure, stability.

They need to go
to a real school,

so they can get real jobs.
Oh, for Christ's sake.

You're going to
get them killed !


I'm sorry.

But your kids are
without a mother now.

I don't think you have any idea
what you're doing to them.

I'm saving their lives,
that's what I'm doing.

Ben, you sound
so ridiculous.

Is knowing how to set a broken bone or
how to treat a severe burn ridiculous ?

Knowing how to navigate by
the stars in total darkness,

that's ridiculous ?

How to identify
edible plants,

how to make clothes
from animal skins,

how to survive in the forest
with nothing but a knife ?

That's ridiculous
to you ?


They have
the cardiovascular

and muscular endurance
levels of elite athletes.

Who cares ?
They're children.

They need to go to school, they
need to learn about the world.

Justin ? Jackson ?

Would you please come
down here for a second ?

What ?

How old are you now,
Jackson ?


Can you tell me what
the Bill of Rights is ?

What something costs ?
I guess.

That's a good guess.

Justin, you're in high school ?

Do you like your school ?
It's whatever.

Do you know what
the Bill of Rights is ?

It's a government
thing, right ?

Like, rights that people
have in America and stuff...

- Yep. Hey, Zaja !
- Yes !

Would you please come down
here a moment, sweetie ?

I wanted to ask you
a quick question.

Zaja just turned eight,
by the way.

Bill of Rights.

Amendment 1,
Congress shall make no law

respecting an establishment
of religion

or prohibiting
the free exercise thereof,

or abridging
the freedom of...

Stop. Regurgitating memorized
amendments isn't what I'm asking for.

Just tell me something
about it in your own words.

Without the Bill of Rights,
we'd be more like China.

Here, at least, we don't
have warrantless searches,

we have free speech,

citizens are protected from cruel
and unusual punishments...

- That's enough.
- Are protected...

Wait a minute.

How would
you characterize

the 2010 Supreme Court
decision on Citizens United ?

Corporations have the
same rights as people,

so there's no spending
limit on candidates.

Which means our country
is ruled by corporations

and their lobbyists
who fund candidates

and command their fealty
by demanding that...

Jesus Christ.

You made your point,
we get it.

It's very impressive.
All of you.

Is that yoga ?

Your breath,
they call it pranayama.

It flows with your
movements, your asana.

It's supposed to connect the mind
and the body to fuel your Samadhi.

Does that really work ?

I'm Claire.

"Bodevan" ?

What kind of a name
is that ?

My parents made it up.

That's weird. Why ?

Our names are unique.

There's only one of
us in the whole world.

That's really weird.

What kind of music
do you listen to ?

Mostly Bach.

the Goldberg Variations,

especially Glenn Gould's

I also like the
Unaccompanied Cello Suites,

preferably when played
by Yo-Yo Ma.

Where are you from ?

Most recently in Paris,
in the Marais.

Near Victor Hugo's house.

We're just back in the States
because of my dad's sabbatical.

He's writing a book
on Dr. Spock.

Oh. I love Star Trek,
it's awesome.

Which star ?

You know, Spock.

The guy with the ears,
he's from Star Trek.

No, Dr. Spock was
from Connecticut.

Right after Yale, he wrote
Baby and Child Care in 1947.

It's one of the seminal
books on child-rearing.

I was talking
about that old TV show.


Of course.

Yeah, I know
that one, it's...


And what about
your mom ?

I can't talk about it.

She works for the U.S.

I can't talk about it due to
its highly classified nature.

Seriously ?

I can't say any more.

I don't even know
that much myself.

It's, um...

I shouldn't have told you.

You can't tell anyone.

Are you okay ?



Follow me.
We have to be quiet.

It's almost midnight.

I sincerely hope
you two lovebirds

haven't been doing what I
think you've been doing.

I know what you think.

But I know that your daughter has
taught me many things just now.

She has broadened my mind,
she has helped me grow.

When we just kissed for
the first time just then,

the endorphins that your
daughter sent through my body

were like dolphins swimming
through my bloodstream.

The way she has opened me up,
she has penetrated deep inside of me

and I know that I have penetrated
deep, deep inside of your daughter.

Not... Not like that.

I would love to

when is necessary for...

I want kids someday.
Not right now, of course,

but when you're ready
and when I'm ready,

because I think this should
be a shared decision.

This is a decision that
we should make together.

But when you are ready,
I will be ready.

I am ready for you,
if you will have me.


What's your last name ?

M... McCune.

Claire McCune,

will you be my wife ?

Okay, funny man, I'm sure
your dad's waiting up.

Don't worry,
you'll see her tomorrow.

Good night.

It's just a penis.

Every man has one.

We're all animals
of the Earth.

Clothes when we eat.

- You look happy.
- I am happy.

Are you happy ?

I'm here with you.

O God, to whom mercy
and forgiveness belong,

hear our prayer on behalf of
your servant Leslie Cash,

whom you have taken
out of the world.

And because she put her
trust and hope in you,

command that she be carried
safely home to Heaven

and come to enjoy

your eternal reward.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Come on, guys.

Do you mind
scooting over, sir ?

I did not
know Leslie personally

and I am poorer for it.

I understand

that she was a loving mother
who gave up her law practice

to raise her children.

Leslie loved
her mother, Abigail,

and her father, Jack,

and their dogs,

Harvey and Little Bear.

They told me that
she also loved gardening

and classical music,

Glenn Gould's versions

of the Goldberg Variations.

She also liked walks

in the moonlight
on the beach.

And she loved her husband,

Ben, and their children...

I'll, uh, take that
as my cue,

if I may.

First of all,

Leslie practiced Buddhism,

which, to her, was a philosophy
and not an organized religion.

In fact, Leslie abhorred
all organized religions.

To her, they were the most dangerous
fairy tales ever invented.

Designed to elicit
blind obedience

and strike fear into the
hearts of the innocent

and the uninformed.

To her, the only thing
worse than death

would have been the knowledge
that her rotting flesh

was to be trapped for all
eternity inside a big box

and buried in the
middle of a fucking golf course.

Although the absurdity
of being eulogized

by someone that
didn't even know her

has exactly the kind
of comedic flourish

that Leslie
would have cherished.

If nothing else,
she had a sense of humor.

I want to read something to all of you,
so you'll know what I mean.

Leslie's last will
and testament.

And I quote,
"In the event of my death,

"I, Leslie Abigail Cash,

"as a Buddhist,
wish to be cremated.

"My funeral,
such as it is,

"shall be a celebration
of the life cycle,

"with music and dancing.

"After, it is my expressed
desire that my ashes

"shall be taken to
a nondescript location,

"preferably public
and heavily populated.

"At which point my ashes,

"promptly and unceremoniously,

"are to be flushed
down the nearest toilet."

End quote.

Now, that's comedy.

- All right, that's enough.
- I'm not finished.

Hey, I'm not finished.

Dad !
You're not listening to me !

- This is not what she wanted !
- Dad !

- Just keep moving forward.
- Let go of me !

Okay, that's it,
come on.

- Dad !
- She's my wife !

This is her will ! This
is against her wishes !

God damn it !
We have songs to sing !

Dad !

If you'll open
your books,

we'll read this morning from
Matthew 18, verses 15-20.

You are the worst thing that has
ever happened to my family.

Why won't you respect
your daughter's wishes ?

Or your grandchildren's ?

Hi, kids.

Hello, Grandpa,
I'm Nai.

We've never met.

Gee, Abby.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Hi, honey.

Grandma !

Hello, Grandma.

We're all together.
Isn't this wonderful ?

Abby and I are going to take
the children to the ceremony

and then you can
follow us to the house.

They're my kids,
they're staying with me.

Children, I'm sorry that
you have to witness this,

but I don't think your father
is fit to attend the funeral.

We're not going to let you
put her in the ground !

Who do you think the police
are going to listen to ? Me ?

Or some hippie
in a clown outfit ?

Come on, Abby.

Where are we going ?

We're going to see Leslie.
We have to go.

I'm visiting
with the children.

We have to
see them at the house.

Would you just give me a
minute with the children ?

Honey, honey,
Leslie is waiting.

Leslie is waiting.
Come on.

Bye, Grandma.

Grandma and Grandpa.

Back on Steve,
let's go.

- Dad ?
- Let's go.

where are we going ?

We're going to stop
this fucking funeral !

- Dad !
- No !

Dad !

Dad, we can't go.

just listen to us.

Why can't we go to Mom's funeral ?
Because of Dad.

Because of his speech ?
Yes !

Everyone shut up and sit down !
Sit the fuck down !

Silence !

Put your goddamn
seat belts on !

- No ! Stop Steve !
- You heard Grandpa !

He'll have us arrested
if we show up !

They are not stopping us
from saving Mom !

Dad, abort the mission !

Let's just go home !
Abort the mission !

We are rescuing Mom !

Mom is dead, okay, Dad ?
She's dead !

This is not what she would
have wanted you to do !

They have no right !
I don't want to lose you !

Please. We can't
lose you, too.

Motherfuck !

I have memories of Mom


I... I can't even
remember when that was.

Mom had
psychotic episodes.

She had hallucinations.

Of smashing our
heads in with rocks.

I heard them
talking about it.

Mom was sicker
than any of us knew.

Dad made her crazy.

Dad's dangerous.

You think our lives
are so great.

You think Dad
is so perfect.

Yale, Stanford,
Princeton, Harvard,

Dartmouth, MIT, Brown.

Well done.

Thank you.

It's very impressive.

I guess. Yeah.

All this time
you've been deceiving me ?

What ? No.
I took you to the library,

and you snuck around behind
my back taking SAT tests

and contacting universities ?
Dad, it's not like that.

We're not an accredited
home school,

I don't know
how the fuck you did it.

I guess you somehow...
You don't understand.

...managed to create acceptable
transcripts, got your work approved.


All without my knowledge
and approval.

Listen, Dad, please.

I don't know
what's more impressive.

The fact that you got into
all these fine schools

or that for months you've been
lying directly to my face.

It was Mom.

She helped me with everything.
We did it together.

I just want to go to college.
You speak six languages !

You have high math,
theoretical physics !

Dad ! But this is what
I'm talking about !

What the hell are these
people going to teach you ?

I know nothing !

I know nothing !
I am a freak because of you !

You made us freaks !

And Mom knew that !
She understood !

Unless it comes out
of a fucking book,

I don't know anything
about anything !

Dad ?

You should put some
clothes on, buddy.

No, stay on Steve.
I'll be right back.

Where is he ?

Abby, I need Rell.

It won't work like this,
you know Jack.

He's my son.

All right.

It's all about timing.
Just be easy.

Follow through.

- Okay, get your things.
- Just a minute, please.

Come on, Rell.

I said, just a minute.

I've clearly upset you
and I apologize.

You killed Mom !


I heard you.

I heard you fighting
about where we live.

Mom wanted to leave.
I heard.

Your mother and I made
certain decisions, together,

about what was best
for all of you.

I'm going to live here
with Nana and Grandpa.

That's not possible. Come on,
get your stuff. Let's go.

Let's go !

I hate you !
I fucking hate you !



What the fuck ?
That almost hit me !

If I wanted to hit you,
I would have hit you.

You just shot
an arrow at me !

You told me they
were in school.

They are.

Leslie and I
are their teachers.

Were their teachers.

So you're teaching them
to steal ?

Of course not.

Free the Food" ?

That was part of
their training.

So you're training them
to steal ?

Their mother
had just died.

They were in shock,
they were devastated,

they needed a distraction.

So we made it
Noam Chomsky Day.

"Noam Chomsky Day."

I don't even
know who that is.

That's the day you gave my
grandchildren real weapons.

How did Rellian
break his hand ?

He slip... He fell.
And it's not broken.

He was climbing on a
rock face in the rain.

It was an accident.

And it wasn't raining
when we were climbing.

He has bruises
over his whole body.

Yeah, and scratches.
We all have them.

It's child abuse.

Even if they make it through
whatever it is you're doing to them,

they're going to be totally
unprepared for the real world.

And I happen to think
the opposite is true.

Rellian is legally
old enough to choose,

and I intend
to honor his wishes.

This is
my lawyer's card.

Abby and I have decided
that we're going to file

for custody of the children.

Now, I know you don't
own a telephone,

but I suggest you find one
immediately and call him.

Because I would hate to have to
issue a warrant for your arrest.

He's my son.

I'm not leaving
without him, Jack.


Who's this ?
Hey, hello, Bill, how are you ?

It's Jack Bertrang
from up in Coronado.

Listen, I think
I just saw a prowler

wandering around
outside on my grounds.

I wonder if you'd send a car.
Thanks. Yeah.

I hope you can explain Rellian's
injuries to the police,

because I can't.

Yes, thanks very much.
Sure thing, Mr. Bertrang.

Okay, prisoner located.

Second floor,
second window,

above the garage.

Target locked.

Bring him home, Vesp.

Dad !

- Vespyr !
- Dad !

- Vespyr !
- Dad !

Mr. Cash ?

She's got
a decent concussion,

but we did a CAT scan,

and there's absolutely
no damage to the brain.

She does have a slight
fracture across the tibia

and fibula
of her left leg.

She's going to need
a neck brace and a cast,

but otherwise she's fine.

Can I show you something ?

Uh, this is
the top vertebrae here.

This dark line, it's hard to see,
but that's the fracture line.

What was she doing
on a roof ?

Just playing.

Well, for a girl her age,
she's unusually strong.


There's seven vertebrae
in the neck.

A break to any of the first four,
a tear to the spinal cord...

I mean, if this had happened
just a few millimeters lower,

we'd be talking about
death or paralysis.

You're a very lucky man.

- Hey, guys, come on in.
- Aw, please come in.

- Hi !
- Hi, sweetheart.

Come right in, darling.

Let me have your bag.
Come on, honey.

Slow down, now.

Slow down.

Let's go this way, darling.
This way, honey.

We're going to go
right into the kitchen.

Come on, let's get you
something to eat, okay ?

You'll have
a good night's sleep.

Okay ?




- Four.
- Four.

And then you go
back, five.

- Five.
- Like here.

And you jump up
and clap your hands.


- Grandfather abuse.
- Grandpa down !

- Grandfather abuse !
- Grandpa down !

There's a lot
in here, honey.

I want you to take
whatever you want.

There's something
I did want to show you.

Just before you called
about getting her treatment,

she sent me two letters.

And I wanted to
show this one to you.

"Dear Mom",

"you don't need to
come get me anymore."

"Burn the other letter."

"What Ben and I
have created here"

"may be unique in all
of human existence."

"We created a paradise
out of Plato's Republic."

"Our children shall
be philosopher kings."

"It makes me so
indescribably happy."

"I'm going to get
better out here."

"I know I will."

"Because we are defined
by our actions,"

"not our words."

Like, not going home ?


Like not going home.

I am not staying here.

This house is a vulgar
display of wealth.

And an unethical use
of space.

I think you'll
all be safe here.

But we want to live
with you.

I almost got
you killed, sweetie.

It was an accident.

The tiles just cracked.

It's a beautiful mistake.

But a mistake.

I thought it would help her.
I... I thought...

I thought she'd get better
out there, you know ?

But, uh...

But it was too much.

It was too much.
Too much, uh...

And I knew it.

I did.

I knew.

Why can't we just
stay with you ?

Because if you do,

I'll ruin your lives.

I'll call you
in a few days.

You know where
you're heading ?

So ?

I don't know. Maybe you
could take them hunting.


They all like that.

And, uh...

Bo wants to go
to college.

He got in everywhere.
All the best schools.

I don't really know how we're
going to pay for all that.

Ben, I'll take
care of it.

We're going to look
after your children.

There's really nothing
to worry about, I promise.

You're doing
the right thing.

Okay, well...

Good luck, Ben.


You shaved your face.

I don't hate you.

I just wish
you'd helped Mom.

Me, too.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

We want to complete
the mission.

No. There's no mission.

Mission: Rescue Dad
and Mommy.

Mom wanted
to be cremated.

And we want to
honor her wishes.

And flush her down
the toilet.

I can't put any of you
in danger ever again.

I'm sorry.

"If you assume
that there is no hope,"

"then you guarantee
that there will be no hope."

"If you assume that there is
an instinct for freedom,"

"that there are opportunities
to change things,"

"then there is a possibility
that you can contribute"

"to making a better world."

Noam Chomsky.

Dad, I found her.

"Leslie Abigail Cash."

"May God bless her
soul for all eternity."

Let's dig !

Otherwise she has to lie
under that bullshit forever.

Mommy's in here.

Hi, little bird.

It's me.

And I'm sorry.

I didn't know what to do.

I'm sorry if
I made it worse.

My face is mine,
my hands are mine.

My mouth is mine.

But I'm not. I'm yours.

Mom, here's
your favorite song.

She's got a smile
that it seems to me

Reminds me of
childhood memories

Where everything
was as fresh

As the bright, blue sky

Now and then

When I see her face

She takes me away
to that special place

And if I stare too long

I'll probably
break down and cry

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of


She's got eyes
of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I'd hate to look
into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me
of a warm, safe place

Where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder
and the rain

To quietly pass me by

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Say oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet

Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet
Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet, oh, sweet
Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet
Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet
Sweet love o' mine

Sweet, sweet, oh, sweet
Sweet child o' mine

Sweet, sweet
Sweet child o' mine

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye

Sweet child, sweet child
Sweet child o' mine

Sweet child
Oh, sweet

Sweet child

Sweet child of mine

Goodbye, Mommy !

- I love you all, okay ?
- We love you.

Why are you going
to Namibia ?

I just put my finger
on a map.

When you have sex with a woman,
be gentle and listen to her.

Treat her with respect and dignity,
even if you don't love her.

I know.

Always tell the truth.

Always take the high road.

I know.

Live each day like
it could be your last.

Drink it in.

Be adventurous, be bold, but savor it.
It goes fast.

I know.

Don't die.

I won't.

Get out of here.

Power to the people.

Stick it to the man.

Hey, guys !

Okay, eat your breakfast.

The school bus will be
here in 15 minutes.