Caprice (1967) - full transcript

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Frequency Tuning]

Mademoiselle?
This way, please.

Pardon me, mademoiselle...

but I notice you are doing
the New York News crossword puzzle.

Would you know 14-down, a five-letter word
meaning "compensation for services"?



The word is "money."

Yeah, of course.
How stupid of me.

And it's not 14-down.
It's 23-across.

Yeah, of course.
May I join you?

[Pocketbook Snaps Shut]

Take off your trousers.

What do you mean?

I must be sure
you don't follow me.

Trousers, or no deal.

Uh, would you have these
pressed, please?

Thank you very much.

Miss Foster?

Inspector Kapinsky, French Sûreté.

You are under arrest.



- Afternoon, Sir Jason.
- Cutter.

Well, we caught her,
red-handed and flat-footed.

Yes, I still can't believe it.

Patricia Foster,
one of my most trusted employees.

- How did it happen?
- Well, I got the tip that she had
some information to sell.

I called the Sûreté.
They arranged the Eiffel Tower rendezvous.

- It was really quite simple.
- Well, I appreciate it, Cutter. I appreciate it.

But I still don't understand it.
Why did she do it?

It couldn't have been for money.

What, in heaven's name,
was the reason then, Patricia?

Don't just stand there.
Don't you realize the enormity of your crime?

You were caught in the act
of trying to sell the top secret plans...

for our new
roll-on underarm deodorant.

I want this woman prosecuted
to the fullest extent of the law.

Sir Jason, one moment, please!

- I want her put away for 20 years!
- Sir Jason, you don't understand.

Uh, Sir Jason,
it is most unfortunate...

but here in France...

industrial espionage
is not a felony.

You can only prosecute
for simple robbery...

and the maximum sentence
is only five years.

- She should be put away for 10 years, at least.
- Sir Jason, permit me.

If you prosecute,
there might be adverse publicity.

The idea of cloak-and-dagger spies
stealing underarm deodorants...

could strike the public as pretty silly.

[Chuckles] I mean, our companies
could be laughed out of business.

Miss Foster, you don't deserve it...

but Mr Cutter here

has prevailed on me
not to prosecute.

Good business practice
forces me to yield to his argument.

However, your contract
with Femina Cosmetics is canceled.

Beyond that,
I intend to see to it personally...

that no other cosmetic firm in Europe
ever engages you.

You have been
a great disappointment to me, Patricia.

[Engine Starts]

Hello there.
Free taxi, Miss, uh—

Best deal in Paris
Free taxi on a rainy night

Refreshments en route.

Napa, Sonoma, Mendocino.

Comes in blanc and rouge
That means white and red.

1967 was a great year
for the Californian grape

Wait a minute.
Let me introduce myself.

- I am Christopher White.
- Take your hand off my arm.

I consider your attitude toward this wine
as being absolutely un-American.

I said take our hand off my arm!

[Groans]

What are you doing here?

Where's Christopher?

- He's amongst the flowers.
- Amongst the flowers? I sent him to pick you up!

Oh, that's okay. We'll go to the airport and
meet him there. Our plane leaves in a half hour.

If another man takes my arm,
I swear I'll—

I am not going to the airport. I am going
upstairs to bed. Do you understand that?

And I doubt if you'll get
a big mention in my prayers tonight.

But there's nothing up there. I had all
your clothes, your personal things moved out.

They're down at the airport.

You did what?

How dare you go into
my apartment like that?

I'm going to call the police.
What are you doing?

Mustn't be unkind to Mr. Cutter.
In we go. Watch the head.

Let me out of here!

If you're not nice,
you may end up in the Bastille.

[Sighs] For what?
An underarm deodorant.

Well, in some places, stealing an underarm
deodorant is considered a capital offense.

You were sabotaging
the national armpit.

I'm the spy who came in
from the cold cream.

I told you the reason
for my interest.

You need employment.
I'm offering you employment.

You were Sir Jason's
top industrial designer.

I'm offering you a job
in the same capacity.

Of course,
at an increase in salary.

I don't think the old boy
was paying you enough.

Mr. Cutter, Sir Jason said
he was going to keep me from working.

In Europe. He can't stop you
from working for me in the States.

Is it a deal?

With one stipulation.

- I will not divulge any of Sir Jason's plans.
- Well, of course not.

I wouldn't consider giving you a job
if I thought you couldn't be trusted.

Thank you very much.

Well, welcome aboard.

- My name is Christopher White.
- How do you do?

Look who's come back to Mother.

Hi, baby
How was the trip?

Hi, Chris!

I've been waiting for you.

Nice to see you all again.

- I've known them for years.
They started in detergents.
- Oh, really?

♪♪[Jazz]

You see, once you've seen one studio,
you've seen them all.

I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Whee! And you wanted
to pass this up?

- You must be tired.
- I've got to pace myself. It's only Tuesday.

[Chuckles]

Missed you mucho, tall one.

Hi, stranger.
Welcome back.

[Speaks Russian]

Hi, team.
Don't over-train.

She used to model tractors
in Budapest.

She defected, but she makes a—
Excuse me.

- She makes an excellent goulash.
- Oh, really?

- What do the other two do? I mean, make?
- Let's go for a take!

- ♪♪[Ends]
- Hello, Shamroy. I'd like you to meet Miss Foster.

- How do you do?
- Eye shadow or lipstick?

Our new industrial designer.

- What a waste of talent.
- Thank you.

Okay, Mandy, we're ready for you!

[Mandy]
Coming!

[People Chattering]

- [Man] Okay, quiet, please!
- [Bell Ringing]

- Quiet!
- Okay, we're ready! Turn 'em!

Take one, May Fortune
Dusting Powder commercial.

Oh, my!

And how do we like our little pad?

Oh, it's marvelous, Christopher.

Oh, I won't want to work.
I'll tell you that much.

Oh, you'll adjust.
It's nice to see you smile again.

For a while back there,
I thought that you were rather unhappy.

Unhappy? When?

When you saw the brunette
with the dusting powder...

I thought you might
have known her.

The brunette with the dusting pow—
Oh, you mean the model?

Oh, no.
No, I didn't know her.

I think I'm just tired.

- I haven't adjusted to the time change yet.
- Jet lag. Neither have I.

- Besides, it's midnight in Paris.
- Is it really?

- Yes. You'll feel better when you've had some food.
- What are you doing?

I know a little bistro.
The chef is a great friend of mine.

I love your bistro.

Oh, and the chef— Oh!

Considering I learned to cook
on a cricket scholarship—

For an Englishman,
you make a good brew.

Well, to Lady Bird.

Oh!

Thank you.

To Grandpa Bird.

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Christopher,
it's none of my business...

- but the phone has rung
eight times during dinner—
- [Ringing Continues]

- And I haven't answered it.
- Yes! I mean, no!

I see. You don't want me to spend
the evening talking to other people...

when I could be talking to you.

You see, when I'm out with a woman,
she has my complete attention.

- Your complete attention.
- Complete.

- How do you ever get anything done?
- Done?

Mmm. I mean, giving all your women
such complete attention.

You certainly can't find much time
for anything else, can you?

Hmm.
You mean the models?

[Chuckling]
They're just friendly.

I didn't say they weren't.

To be honest, it is rather easy
for an Englishman in this country.

It seems that most American girls
like Englishmen

Mmm?

They see Sir Laurence's movies on the late show,
they play the Beatle records...

and they think that all Englishmen
are as charming as they are.

Except smart girls
like you, of course.

It so happens I find you very charming.

Tell me something.
In Paris, why did you try to pick me up?

Hmm?

Well, you see...

I have this little problem.

That's why I tried to make it
with a perfect stranger.

I'm as insecure as any civilized man.

[Phone Ringing]

Look, I don't know about you,
but that phone is making me very nervous.

- [Ringing Continues]
- It is also making me nervous.

Let me take you away from all this.
I have a room without a phone where I study.

[Ringing Continues]

You're kidding.

[Laughs]

- Does it swing?
- It's a swinging bed.

[Patricia]
I believe it

Try it.
Come along.

- What are you doing?
- Relax. Relax.

Now—You just
wait a minute there.

Now, just try it.
It's nice and comfortable.

Christopher, you're rushing me.

I always wait
at least an hour after eating.

I saw you stifle
three yawns during dinner.

Remember, it's dawn in Paris now.

So come along, don't fight it.
Just relax. Relax.

Is it dawn in Paris?

- Christopher?
- Mmm?

Did you ever go to Les Halles
for onion soup

and eat with the truck drivers
just as the sun was breaking through?

I was one of the truck drivers.

[Chuckles]
Sure you were

You know, I have a feeling
that you don't quite trust me.

You're right.
But I trust Sir Laurence.

To be or not to be?
That is the question—

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune—

That's very good!

Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles...

and by opposing end them.

I'm enjoying your performance, Richard...

but, oh, it's late.

Uh, to die, to sleep...

to sleep no more...

perchance to dream.

Ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death,
what dreams may come...

when we have shuffled off
this mortal coil...

must give us pause.

I'm going to ask you questions,
and you will answer them truthfully.

Won't you, Patricia?

When you worked
as a trusted assistant to Sir Jason...

you had full knowledge of all plans
and production secrets...

hadn't you, Patricia?

Is it not true that Femina Cosmetics contemplate
putting a new glamour wig on the market?

Yes.

What prompted Sir Jason
to go into the glamour wig field?

[Sighs]

The development of a new formula.

What does the formula do?

Formula 4X361...

changes the consistency...

of inexpensive animal hair...

to the consistency of
the finest human hair.

What does the formula consist of?

[Exhales]
Formula 4X361...

is a lanolin-based preparation.

First, the cholesterol compounds...

are treated with a weak solution...

of alkali and emulsion.

[Chuckles]

Well, that's it, Mr. Cutter?

Man, I'll say that's it.

Well, you have an assignment, White.

I want you to stay
with Operation Foster.

I want you to be her friend,
her pal, her buddy.

Wine her, dine her, be her lover.

Oh, the fun I could have
if I were only working for me.

Good morning, my dear.

Good morning!

Sir Jason, you didn't tell me
you had a 707 super jet private office

It's only a charter.

Besides, it's the only place I could find
to conduct business in private.

Of course, there are those
who think I'm a little theatrical.

They're jealous
because your theatrics are successful.

- Then you have the job with Cutter?
- Yes.

Good.
I knew he'd tumble for it.

We're all set.

When I go to the movies, I go all out.

Movies?
Oh, no, thank you.

I've just had a big breakfast
and an even bigger line...

served to me
by Mr. Cutter's assistant.

Yes, Christopher White is rather good
at that sort of thing.

Mmm.

Now you're going to see
the biggest advance in the cosmetic industry.

[Sir Jason]
Forgive the poor film quality

My cameramen were hiding
behind some rocks at Malibu

Now, watch this

And remember,
this is happening in salt water.

There! Have you ever seen
anything like that?

Never!

She came out of the water,
and her hair was dry.

Watch closely

[No Audible Dialogue]

- Well, it has to be one of your new wigs.
- It's not a wig.

- It's a new hair spray.
- A hair spray?

A water-repellant hair spray

Which means that
when a girl sets her hair...

it's going to stay like that come rain,
sleet, snow or any other act of God.

Really?
It's just fantastic!

Fantastic.

But, unfortunately, a development
of the May Fortune Company.

Which means that once it's put on the market,
all existing hair sprays will be obsolete.

That's why I had to put you through
those elaborate machinations...

to get you inside their plant.

I must have that formula,
or at least a lock of that Chinese girl's hair.

We can make it out from that

Now you'll have access to every part
of the May Fortune plant.

That man you saw wearing the cap?

He's the inventor, Dr. Stuart Clancy.

He's their chief cosmetic chemist.
Here's his dossier.

I want you to get to know him well.

Bring me that formula...

and you shall receive a bonus
that you can retire on.

Okay.
I just hope I don't crack.

You won't.

Well, if I do, you can name
a freckle remover after me.

[Door Closes]

Good morning.

For me?
Oh, how sweet!

And you've kept them in water!

Thank you, Christopher.

Really, it was very thoughtful of you.
Really it was.

And I am sorry that you can't stay,
but feel free to call anytime.

Whew!

But, Dr. Clancy, is it really safe...

to keep your secret formulas
in that index file?

- I should think that a steel vault would—
- I think it's safe.

Walk in there once, Miss Foster.

- What do you mean?
- Go ahead.

- Just walk in here?
- Uh-huh.

Ohh! What on—

I hope it didn't frighten you,
Miss Foster.

Well, I may faint,
but I think I'll live.

When anyone gets
within three feet of the index...

they break an electronic beam...

which causes the door
to come down.

And if anyone should invent
an electronic can opener...

and steal this work sheet...

of a new face cream
we're bringing out next year...

it still wouldn't be
much help to them, would it?

Oh. Electronic ciphers. No, it wouldn't,
not without the electronic decoder.

Which is kept under guard
in another building.

- You're kidding.
- No, no, no.

You can see why my secrets
remain secrets.

[Laughing]
Indeed I can, Dr. Clancy.

You know,
it's really kind of funny.

What's funny, Miss Foster?

Well, that steel door
slamming down in there...

and the electronic ciphers...

and the electronic decoder
being guarded in another building.

All of these things guarding
an insignificant thing like a face cream.

You have to admit
that's pretty funny. Right?

- Insignificant?
- Well, yeah.

The way your formulas
are being guarded...

you'd think that you had invented
a sort of miracle drug.

My cosmetics are miracles.

Come in, Miss Foster.

Sit down. Here.
Here. Over here.

Sit where the genius sits
when he creates his "insignificant" miracles.

- Oh, Dr. Clancy, l—
- Oh, never mind. Here.

Sit back. Sit back.
Relax.

You would think they were miracle drugs
if they didn't exist.

Here we have a woman
who believes my cosmetics are miracles!

Look at what her husband has the privilege
of waking up beside every morning

Do you wonder that his secretary
looks good to him?

Hell, Miss Foster, the bus driver
would look good to him after that!

Women like that make a man
want to end his life— Bang! Bang!

You get the idea, Miss Foster?
Bang! Bang!

Oh, yes, Dr. Clancy.
Bang! Bang!

Now watch the miracle
I've created around her eyes.

Dr. Clancy, thank you,
but I do have to—

When I have finished,
Miss Foster! Sit down!

- Well—
- Sit down!

How's that for eyes, Miss Foster?

Now, for those pale, cracked lips.

Her husband can't wait
to get back home after a hard day

and cover them with kisses

Damn it, Miss Foster,
he'd rather kiss the bus driver!

Voilà!

Hmm. If this keeps up, her husband won't
want to leave for work in the morning.

Eh, Miss Foster?

Then, with my depilatory cream,
I removed her mustache...

and the hair from her cheeks

changed her skin from leather
back to skin again, shampooed her hair

and, as a final touch,
perfumed her all over.

And, as they say...

before and after.

She's beautiful.

Now, think of the future,
Miss Foster...

when I can give women
a permanent makeup...

a new face that cannot be wiped off...

a lifetime beauty mask.

That, Miss Foster, is why I take precautions
and guard my future plans.

I don't want anyone stealing them!

Dr Clancy, I really do understand

and I want you to know
that I find it incredible...

that one person could create
all those remarkable preparations.

Thank you very much.

Who finds it incredible?

If I— I do.

You said it's incredible that only one person
is responsible for these products.

Are you insinuating
that it's not so?

Of course not, Dr. —

Is that what Cutter thinks?
Is that what he wants you to find out?

That's why you've been
asking me all these questions today.

Matt Cutter sent you to spy on me.
Didn't he?

Dr. Clancy, that's ridiculous!

- I'm just here to orient myself to—
- [Knocking]

- [Woman] Dr Clancy, are you all right?
- What?

Oh. Oh, Su.
Yes.

- Well, then open the door.
- My secretary.

She'll hate you for upsetting me.

Hide. Hide.

What's the matter with you?

- Nothing I'm all right
- You don't look all right.

You're going to take one of your pills,
and that's that

- What was it that got you all upset again?
- Uh, nothing. Nothing.

What you need is a little vacation
Why don't you go away?

What I need is to be left alone.

[Gasps]
Oh.

- You scared me.
- Is something wrong?

- No, I'm fine, thank you.
- I've been looking all over for you.

- Have you?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, you probably didn't recognize me
without my bathrobe.

By the way, your flowers are doing very nicely.
I'm sorry about all that water.

I'll accept your profuse apologies
over lunch.

Oh, I um— Oh, um, I'm sorry, Christopher.
I made an appointment.

Uh, dinner, then?

I'd love it. Uh-huh.
What time?

About 8:00?

- Good. See you then. Bye-bye.
- Okay. Bye-bye.

I got the whole day off.

Oh, Su, that's great.
How groovy.

I just can't wait to get in the pool.

- If I could only get one day off.
- Me too.

Your boss is getting married,
isn't he?

Yeah—
Oh, you should see this woman.

- The redheaded one?
- Well, if you call that red.

There's black roots that deep.

- Oh, I know what you mean.
- Oh, what a drag.

[Chattering Continues]

- I know somebody who's really good for you.
- Who?

[Chattering Continues]

- Okay. I was supposed to go.
- What happened?

Three kids and a wife.

[Chattering Continues]

[Whispers]
That's it!

Hey!
You wanna come out, Tiny?

- Tiny?
- [Growling]

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Hi. It's me.
[Laughs]

I can make it tonight.

Oh, don't worry about him

9:00 at the Carthay Theater
Bye

[Crash]

- [Barks]
- What's the matter?

[Barking Continues]

[Barking Continues]

- [Barking Continues]
- Go on, boy. Go. Go see what it is.

Tiny, are you okay?

Tiny!

Tiny
What did you find, Tiny?

Nothing, right?

Come on
Let's go, baby

- [Barking]
- Tiny!

[Su]
Quiet, Tiny!

[Tiny Growls, Barks]

[Growling Continues]

[Barking]

Tiny!
What's the matter with you?

Hi, beautiful! Hello there, Tiny!
How are you?

[Shutter Clicks]

Oh, I thought of you here
all alone in that bikini

and I said to myself,
"What am I doing at the office?"

Especially after the time I've had
with the latest idiot they've hired.

She doesn't know the first thing
about cosmetics or—

Don't—
Don't upset yourself.

You'll get one of your headaches again.

I've got one of my headaches again.
That fool woman gave me a beaut!

"Insignificant thing like a face cream."
That dame!

[Shutter Clicks]

[Gasps]

Have you everything set up?

I will have her there in one hour.

Here she is coming now.

[Panting, Gasping]

Ohh!

Hello there.

I didn't know
we enjoyed mountain climbing

We ought to try it together sometime

Poor Patricia.

You've had a rather rigorous day.

First you run afoul of Dr. Clancy.

Then you sneak down
the side of a mountain

Too bad you didn't steal the water-repellant
hair spray. You could have used it—

What are you doing here?

Oh, we do look a mess,
don't we? Come along.

Ah!
No karate this time.

I'll tell Sir Jason.

- Sir—
- [Whispers] Sir Jason.

- [One Heel Clicking]
- I don't know what you're talking about.

I can't quite understand
why Sir Jason picked you.

Look at that dress, for instance.

I could spot you
from Sunset Boulevard.

I neglected to tell you something.

I am also on the payroll of Sir Jason.

Oh, you can trust me.

See, I'm the most reprehensible, the most
obnoxious of spies— I am a double agent.

Only my loyalties are with Sir Jason.

In we go, madam.

Sir Jason didn't think
that you'd quite trust me...

so he gave me his private phone number
where you can reach him...

and verify everything that I have said.

I'll take you to lunch at Century City.

The restaurant's in the open,
where we can talk safely

And now...

- [Engine Starts]
- I'll drive you to your car.

♪♪ [Humming]

Tracy, is this table all right?

[On Earpiece]
Is there enough light?

Wave if it's okay.

How about you, Cutter?

[On Headphones] Do you read me?
Honk your horn two times if so.

Driver, honk your horn twice.

[Truck Horn Blows Twice]

I'm gonna put this film on...

in place of our regular
Tuesday night TV show.

Can you imagine?

Millions of TV viewers actually
seeing an undercover agent of Sir Jason's...

trying to steal our cosmetics secrets.

One, two, three.
Testing.

[Sir Jason]
I've been expecting your call, Patricia.

It's true.
Christopher White is in my employ.

- But he works for Matt Cutter.
- Don't worry about Mr. Cutter.
Don't worry about Mr. White.

Mr. White can be trusted.
Good-bye, Patricia.

- But, Sir Jason, I'm not sure Chri—
- [Line Clicks]

Well, it's like you said—
we're in this together.

Just the two of us.

Uh, then let's work together.

What do we intend to do?

Well, I would like
something to eat first.

She's gotta have somethin' to eat.

Waitress.

- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.

I'm really kind of hungry.

Oh, my.

Um, I think I'll have
some potato chips, please.

- Potato—
- Chips?

Yes, please

What kind of a diet are you on?

Forget her diet, will ya! Just get her
to tell you she's a spy for Sir Jason!

- Let's get down to business, shall we?
- Mm-hmm.

As you said, two heads
are better than one.

- Oh, indeed they are, Christopher.
- [Clink]

- You see, when Sir Jason ask—
- [Clinking Continues]

Uh, Sir Jason wants me to— to—

[Loud Clanking]

Something wrong with the set?

No, sir.
She's banging a spoon or something.

- [Clanging Continues]
- Banging a spoon! [Chuckles]

But why are you so nervous, Pat?

She's— She's nervous?

[Patricia]
I'm sorry, Christopher.

Tell me, what did you
intend to achieve...

at, uh, May— May— May Fortune?

- You all right?
- Oh, fine, fine.

Oh, my lunch!
Good.

Thank you.

Miss, I'd like to have
some coffee too, please.

Um, well, I'll tell you.

Here it comes!
The beginning of the end for Sir Jason!

I am there for just one thing,
and that is—

[Loud Crunching]

[Muttering, Indistinct]

- [Crunching]
- Mm-hmm.

[Continues, Indistinct]

Don't you want one? Mmm, they're marvelous!
They're crunchy and fresh!

N-N-N—

- No, thank you.
- Just one.

They are quite fattening.

Damn it!
Ask her the $64 question!

Now, Patricia, tell me,
when did Sir Jason decide

that you should steal the formula
for the water-repellant hair spray?

- Atta boy! Ooh! Get every word she says now.
- Yes, sir.

[Patricia On Headphones]
Uh, well, it all happened this way, Christopher.

- You see, I was—
- [Loud Winding]

Sir Jason hired me as a spy...

to infiltrate the May Fortune Company

Um, um, now that you're employed
by May Fortune, what does, um—

Sir Jason expect?

Well, Sir Jason expects— Sir Jason
expects me to earn the money that—

[Loud Sloshing]

The best way I can do that is to steal everything
I possibly can from the May Fortune Company.

Christopher, I'd better be going.

Don't let her go!

[Christopher On Headphones] Please
don't go yet. Tell me about you and Sir Jason.

Excuse me.

Uh, well, Christopher...

all I can tell you is...

if it weren't for Sir Jason,
I wouldn't be a spy.

[Fizzing]

- [Loud Fizzing]
- Damn it!

- [Fizzing]
- Well, cheers.

[Patricia Burps]

Oh, dear.
[Giggles]

Well, I really have to
get going now, Christopher.

Oh, please don't.

Wh-Why, I—

You haven't even
touched your coffee.

Ah! I completely forgot!

- That's right.
- Well, let's see.

- One lump.
- [Gasps]

[Groans]

[Static, Spoon Clanging]

[Groans]
Oh, no!

[Shouting]

[Gasps]
Ooh!

[Groaning]

What are you doing?

You said you wanted
to be awakened.

- What's the matter with you?
You sore or something?
- Or something.

- We had a date tonight.
- Send a taxi straight away.

1269 Leona Drive.

Get dressed.

Get dressed?

Aren't you reversing things?

I-I wouldn't have minded
if it had been some French dame...

instead of that...
broad you brought back.

- She was hired by the company.
- I know.

The great industrial designer.

Get dressed.

Oh, I know all about her.

Except when I knew her,
her name wasn't Patricia Foster.

Oh Maybe she got
married since then

And since when does getting married
change your first name, smart-A?

Well, Miranda,
you tell me all about her.

[Gasps]
Oh, I forgot.

You wanted me to get dressed.

[Dialing]

Would you cancel that cab
to Leona Drive, please?

You gonna buy me good seats?

Best in the house, Barney baby.

[Chuckling]

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪[Continues]

♪♪[Soundtrack: Ballad]

♪♪[Woman Singing]

♪♪[Continues]

♪♪[Ends]

♪♪[Pop Jazz]

Whoa! Ohh!

What are you doing?
You hit my boyfriend?

- I hit his hand on my knee, is what I did.
- Barney!

[Screams]
Help!

[Audience Gasping]

Ohh!

- Lady, you're sitting on my hat.
- [People Shushing]

Oh, I'm sorry about—
Oh, you've been so nice—

Ohh!
[Squeals]

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

[Yawns]
Yeah?

Well— [Chuckles]
You finally decided to answer the phone.

Where have you been?

[Sighs]
Busy. What do you want?

I want that girl on film and tape.
That's what I want.

And I want you to set her up someplace
where she don't turn the tables on us again...

and make us look like damn fools.

- That, as long as you've asked me,
is what I want.
- [Chuckles]

And, uh, where was
the fastest syringe in the west yesterday?

In jeopardy for May Fortune, Mr. Cutter.

Oh, really?
And where is our Miss Foster today?

9:30, she's not in her office?

And not in her hotel either.

I gave you an assignment, White!

I want you to stay on top of that girl
and not play games!

Now, you go out and find her!
You hear?

[Rings]

[Ringing Continues]

[Ringing Stops]

- [Squawks]
- [Gasps]

[Squawking Chinese]

[Phone Ringing]

[Squawking, Speaking Chinese]

[Ringing Continues]

[Squawking]

[Gasps]
Oh!

- [Sighs]
- I knew you'd be here.

- You and your karate
- She was passed out when I got here.

How did you get in?

With my counterspy key
and antidepressant capsule.

Gimme that!
Oh! You put me down!

- Put me down! Let me go!
- [Chuckling]

[Muffled Shouting]

One false move out of you,
and I'll tell Sir Jason...

your real name is Phillipa Fowler.

Do you hear?
One false move, Miss Fowler.

Mandy told you.

Most of it.
The rest I dug up myself.

- Now, we must speak.
- Where, at Century House?

Out in the open where it's safe?

After this, you may choose the place—
in the middle of the ocean if you wish.

[Keys Jangling]

Su? Su, it's me.
Open the door.

Su, open the door

- Somethin' funny goin' on in there.
- What?

I called the police.
They'll be here any minute.

- Called the police? What for?
- There's a strange man in there

- [Moans]
- I saw him draggin'a girl

- Su?
- [Yelps]

Su.

- [Muffled Scream]
- He's murdering her!

Su! Su! Open the door!
Open the door!

[Squawking, Chattering]

- Oh!
- [Man] Hey! Hold on up there!

Stay where you are!

Come on!
Give me a hand!

- Oh! My hat.
- Forget your hat!

- But it's new.
- So it's new. Come on!

Oh, I just bought it.

You take the stairs.
I'll take the elevator.

- They can't get away.
- Right.

[Yelps]

- Perfect timing.
- Downstairs!

Are you kidding? The cops are down there.
We have to go upstairs.

Quick. In here.

[Woman]
Darling I need you

Darling, will you fasten my—

Darling? Darling?

[Screams]

Police! It's a Peeping Tom!

- Okay, peeper.
- Peeper? No, I wasn't peeping.

Shut up! In accordance with
the recent Supreme Court decision...

you're entitled to know
that you're charged with, uh, voyeurism.

Out. Out.
He won't bother you anymore, lady.

- Thank you, Officer.
- Get out! Out!

Imagine doin' a thing like that.
You peepers—

[Woman Screams]
Police!

Officer!
There's a strange man in my apartment!

That's the second woman
to call you strange.

Ever since I've met you,
I've been strange.

Open up! Police!

- Stop, or I'll shoot!
- [Woman Yelps]

[Grunts]

♪♪ [Theme]

- Oops! Sorry, lady.
- Get outta here before I call a cop!

[Patricia]
Whoo-ooh!

Why didn't you row out further?
Then I could've drowned getting to you.

You told me to pick
a safe place, right?

It was easier working for the CIA

Very good.

Once I... get my breath back...

- I'll climb into the boat—
- Oh, no, you don't.

You don't think I've got a microphone
hidden down here, do you?

I think you might have one
in your navel.

But as long as you're
underwater, dear, I'm safe.

This is your old
English buddy, remember?

Champagne, candlelight

I feel something down here.
It might be a shark.

It isn't a shark.

- Sharks don't come in this close to shore.
- Are you sure?

Were you really with the C.I.A.?

Yes. Only industrial espionage was
a more fitting employment for a coward.

Remember, I'm being paid
both by Mr. Cutter and Sir Jason.

Since you know that my real name
is Phillipa Fowler...

you probably also know that my father,
Robert Fowler, was killed in Switzerland.

- What was he doing there?
- He was on the trail of a narcotics ring.

But he had come to the conclusion

that the head man
was really a woman

The next day, he was killed.

And you think that she killed him?

Yes, I do.
But I have no proof.

Tell me. How did you ever fool
a wise old bird like Sir Jason?

What do you mean, fool him?

Well, you were after this woman...

and somehow, I believe,
it lead you to Sir Jason.

You let him believe you were working for him
instead of your real purpose.

I have never let anything
interfere with my work for Sir Jason.

He wanted me to get the water-repellant
hair spray, and that's exactly what I did.

You mean you got
the water-repellant hair spray?

Yes, I have— right here.
I stole it from the Chinese girl's apartment.

Christopher, get in the boat.
Quickly! Get in the boat!

It's a shark!
Get in the boat!

- Christopher, get in the boat!
- I'm trying desperately

Get away from— You monster!

Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Go on!
Get— Get out of here!

Oh. Chris. Oh.

And what were you swinging at?

- There was a shark.
- Shark? Sharks don't come in that close.

Oh, if anything had happened to you.

[Vocalizing]

[Patricia]
What does it say?

"Schweizer Krone."
It's a company in Lausanne.

They manufacture
the best atomizer bottles.

- And May Fortune uses their bottles?
- Too expensive.

Cutter uses a cheap spray can
manufactured over here.

Well, then why would Clancy
put his secret spray in a Swiss bottle?

I don't know.
Who can understand a man like Clancy?

Huh? Sorry for being
so damn clumsy this afternoon.

It's my fault— putting you
in Flipper-infested waters.

Why would Clancy use
a Swiss bottle?

I do believe you have just
changed the subject...

and not too adroitly.

Clancy seems to prefer
just about everything Swiss.

He even married a Swiss girl.

- He's married?
- Was.

His children go to school there.
He visits them— and to ski.

He could've been a champion skier...

if he wasn't a bigger champion
in the cosmetics field.

Let's stop talking about Clancy,
and I'll take you to dinner.

- Hmm?
- Oh, fine.

- But, uh, I can't go like this.
- Why not?

- I look a mess.
- Yes, you do.

You may pick me up at 8:00.

[Rings]

Good afternoon.
Dr. Clancy's office.

I'm calling from Bullock's
department store.

Someone purchased a gift
for, uh, the children of a Dr. Stuart Clancy.

And we'd like to make sure that
we have the correct address in Switzerland.

Would you give me that, please?

Uh, the address is 36 Rue d'Alpine...

Le Blanc Village, Switzerland.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- Who were you giving my children's address to?
- Bullock's.

Someone ordered a present to be sent
to your children. They wanted the address.

[Glass Tinkling]

- There we are, my dear.
- Thank you.

It was so nice of you
to give me a lift.

That's all right.
I was on the way to Paris anyway.

- Cheers.
- Cheers. But Switzerland?

Are you going to ski?

Mmm. Hardly. I'm working
for you, remember?

- I'm your secret agent.
- [Chuckles] I promise not to pry.

Oh. Sir Jason,
I just thought of something.

Would you have your Paris lab
analyze these ashes, please?

- Ashes?
- Mmm.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Please don't continue
to astonish me, Patricia.

I can resist anything except that.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[Bell Dinging]

Hello?

Je suis Madame Piasco

Madame

I'm interested in this,
um, lovely bottle.

Oh, excuse me, please.
Come in, please.

Thank you.

I'm working on a new formula
for eye shadow.

I hope it will be a success.

Oh, please, sit down.

- Do you make your own cosmetics?
- Bien sûr

Everything I sell is made right here
in this old laboratory.

Since my grandmother
first made, uh

cream to protect the faces
of her children

from chafing
during the winter months.

That, uh, first cream
was made of goats' milk.

It was very good

and soon all the parents
had her making it for their children.

And so my grandmother's
goat barn became this laboratory.

Madame, I was attracted to this—

Ah, yes. Caprice.

Oh, this is another
of my little concoction.

It is merely
a water-repellant hair spray

I developed it for myself.

Oh, some years ago

Uh, you see, I do a lot of skiing.

You do? I do too.

Then you will keep
this bottle of Caprice.

It is a must for women like us.

It keeps the wind and the humidity
from ruining our hair.

Thank you.

If it'll do all that,
I should have a half a dozen.

That will not be necessary.

In another month, you will
be able to purchase Caprice in America.

- May Fortune is bringing it out.
- May Fortune, huh?

Their head cosmetician
is my son-in-law.

He manufactures all
my little preparations.

- [Bell Dinging]
- Grand-mère!
- Grand-mère!

[Children Speaking French]

Shh. You see
we have a guest.

Uh, as I was saying...

I gave the water-repellant
hair spray formula to Stuart.

And, uh, you can see
the lovely grandchildren he has given me.

Now, Jeneatte, and you too, Jacques,
say to mademoiselle...

"Welcome to our village."

[Together]
Welcome to our village, Mademoiselle.

Would you show me exactly
where it is, please?

It is right here that
the Interpol agent was killed.

- Uh-huh.
- His name was Fowler. He was an American.

Oh.

We never talk of the killings
in these mountains.

- It's bad for business.
- Mm-hmm.

You want to go there?
Why?

You know us American tourists.
We're nosy.

Oh, it's all right to be nosy,
but be careful.

That part of the mountain—
It's not good for skiing.

The mountain drops off steep.

[Engines Winding Down]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshots]

[Gunshot]

There she is.

Grab it, Pat!

- Grab it!
- [Gunshot]

We've gotta get out of his range.

She'll go over the cliff
Lower it down

Forget it.
I'm not gettin' shot at.

I said lower down,
or you'll wish you were shot at!

[Gunshot]

[Screaming]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Chattering]

- Monsieur White.
- Yes, Lieutenant. Any luck?

It got too dark, but we'll continue the search
as soon as there is morning light.

- Very good. Good night.
- Good night.

- How is she, Doctor?
- With a good night's sleep,
she'll be back to normal.

She, Doctor, will never be normal.

- I'll see her tomorrow. Good night.
- Good night, Doctor.

- Hello?
- [Patricia] Hello

- And how are we?
- Fine, thank you

I have an idea you saved my life.

Routine.

I couldn't stand being stood up.
Male ego.

I'm sorry about that.

You're a pretty good detective.

I'll say that.
Right?

Uh-uh-uh.

I noted your sudden interest
when I told you that Clancy came here to ski.

And somehow in that mad,
amateur agent brain of yours...

you somehow tied that in with your father
being killed on a ski run here.

I took the first available flight
In Zurich, I telephoned this hotel

They told me you had gone skiing,
and I hired a helicopter.

Why did you come in such a hurry?

- You think Clancy is dangerous too.
- Nutty, but he is not dangerous.

Christopher.

I think he tried to kill me today.

[Scoffing]
I think you're delirious.

It couldn't possibly have been Clancy.

Look, this town is snowed in.

The only way to get here is by helicopter.
I checked with the landing field.

Only two people have
arrived here today from Le Blanc.

Both women—
you and someone else.

No Clancy.

That's enough conversation
for one evening.

- Good night.
- Christopher.

Here's the bottle of water-repellant hair spray
for you to give to Sir Jason.

And you can also tell Sir Jason
that this bottle can be purchased openly...

in this little Swiss village for $1.25...

and that it was invented by a woman...

who just happens to be
Clancy's mother-in-law.

How about that?

How very interesting.

Good night.

If you need me,
I'm down the corridor.

Room 5.

Oh! You stupid—

Idiot!

[Shower Running]

[Affecting British Accent]
Hello

And how are we?

[Drops Accent]
You big phony!

It didn't surprise you one bit
when I told you...

that bottle of hair spray
could be bought for $1.25, did it?

And why didn't it surprise you? Because
you didn't want it in the first place, did you?

And if you didn't want it,
then Sir Jason didn't want it either, did he?

So from the start, he's had me
chasing around after something...

- he never really wanted at all.
- Bull's-eye.

Then what's the reason
for all of this, darling?

I'll explain to you
as soon as I slip into a—

Oh.

Hair spray.
[Clicks Tongue]

[Sighs]

Of course, if—

if you had trusted and cooperated with me
in the first place...

you would not have had
so much trouble.

- Oh, really?
- Please sit down.

Ten years ago, Dr. Clancy
was the chief cosmetic chemist for Sir Jason.

Wha—

- You're kidding.
- Oh, no.

Only all his creations were imitations
of other companies' products.

Sir Jason fired him,
he went to work for May Fortune...

and became their chief
cosmetic chemist.

And strange things began to happen

He became successful.

Oh, everything he created
became successful.

And now the water-repellant hair spray.

Sir Jason knew that Clancy
couldn't have created all these things...

and that somebody else
must have been behind him doing the job.

And he wanted that somebody
working for him.

You mean that Sir Jason didn't know
that Madame Piasco was behind Clancy?

[Laughs]
He doesn't even know it yet.

I know it sounds all
so unrealistically simple

now that you've discovered that Clancy's
mother-in-law was the cosmetic genius.

You have done a good job for Sir Jason.

But tell me, how does Madame Piasco
fit in as your mystery woman?

I don't know what fits in where.

I am too tired to even think about it.

[Sighs]

Well, stop thinking,
and back to bed with you.

Oh, I'm so happy this job is over.

It is not quite over yet.

Well, it is as far as I'm concerned.

I found the hair spray, and,
whether he wants it or not, that was my job.

Uh, I want you to do me one favor...

before we get Sir Jason
out of our lives forever.

Our lives?

I've decided you need someone
to take care of you.

And by unanimous vote of one...

I've elected myself to the post.

It's a unanimous vote of two.

- There he is now.
- Who?

- Clancy.
- Clancy?

- [Patricia] I told you he was here
- He only got in this morning

He couldn't possibly
have shot at us yesterday

Look, would I let you walk into
any kind of trouble? Hmm?

Now look, I've told him you wanted
to speak with him, and he's—

- Me?
- Yes.

Christopher, what would I talk about?

Tell him that you're a—
an agent for Femina Cosmetics.

Christopher, I'm—
I'm nervous about this.

Look. Not a footprint.
No one's been out here.

You're quite safe.
Now go on.

- Good morning, Miss Foster
- Good morning

- I understand you met
my charming mother-in-law
- Yes, I did.

I suppose you intend to blackmail me.

Keep your mouth shut if I pay off?

On the contrary, Dr. Clancy.

You see, I am an agent
for Femina Cosmetics...

and I have been authorized
to offer you the position...

of head chemist with Sir Jason
at double your salary...

with an under-the-table bonus
of a quarter of a million dollars.

Miss Foster...

you are offering me
a quarter of a million dollars?

- Yes, I am.
- Under the table?

Now, isn't that illegal?

Oh, it's a handsome offer, but I'm very happy
working for Matthew Cutter.

I have no intention of leaving,
no matter how much you offer me.

And by the way,
I've already told Mr. Cutter...

that it is Madame Piasco
who is the real inventor.

So if Mr Cutter doesn't care
whether it's my mother-in-law or me

I don't care either

Good day, Miss Foster.

Perfect! That's it!

Exactly what I wanted.
[Laughs]

With this film, we're gonna
put Sir Jason out of business.

Good job, Chris.
Good job.

How'd you do it, huh?
[Laughing]

Get her to fall in love with you?

That's fool women for you—
always trippin' over their hearts.

- [Coughing]
- Call the prefecture.

Get Inspector Kapinsky to pick her up.

[Coughing]
I don't know where she is right now.

- What?
- Oh, relax.

We'll pick her up
when she leaves Sir Jason's tonight.

Miss Foster is here, sir.

- [Sir Jason] Oh, come in, my dear
- Good evening, Sir Jason.

- You look very busy.
- Busy and excited

Well, what do you think of
this new bit of antiquity that has just arrived?

This little lady is from 525 B.C.

- "Before Cosmetics"?
- [Chuckles]

Beautiful, isn't she?

Without face creams,
antiperspirants or nail polish.

I usually prefer these replicas
to their living counterparts.

Come and have a drink, my dear.

No, thank you.

I wanted to see you to extend
my sincere thanks for a job well done.

Yes, it was a job well done.

But first, let us get on to my glad tidings.
Congratulate me.

I have just signed Madame Piasco
as my head chemist.

- I don't believe it. She would never leave her—
- Her son-in-law? But she did.

It all came to me
while I was in my sauna.

"What could possibly
induce Madame Piasco...

to turn her back on him?"
I asked myself.

At first, I seriously thought
of buying her a Swiss alp...

and naming it
after one of her hair rinses

And then it struck me.

I promised to have her presented at court,
and that did it.

You see, the Swiss are essentially snobs.

They invented democracy,
but they're rather ashamed of it.

- Apparently everyone has a price, Sir Jason.
- Yes, my dear.

A human frailty that keeps
the wheels of commerce humming.

What I'm about to tell you may come
as something even more of a jolt.

The lab report on the ashes
you wanted me to have analyzed.

The residue contains a powerful narcotic.

- I know.
- You know?

Then why did you have me—

I told you about my visit
to the Chinese girl's apartment.

At the time,
I thought she was drunk.

Well, she wasn't drunk.
She was doped.

I found a box of face powder
and some ashes on her table...

so I took some of the ashes
and had them analyzed.

If you already knew this,
why did you have me repeat the analysis?

Oh, of course

You had to consider everyone a suspect
in your father's murder, including me.

Yes, I did.

And if you had denied that those ashes
contained a narcotic...

then I would have had every reason
to hold you responsible.

Wouldn't I, Sir Jason?

Lovely deduction.

You really are
rather an enigma, Patricia.

But even enigmas can be arrested.

- I suggest you go. Quickly.
- What do you mean arrested?

My private grapevine tells me that
Matt Cutter has informed the Paris police...

that he has in his possession
motion picture films...

of your attempt to bribe Dr. Clancy.

That's impossible.
No one could have photographed us.

- We were in the middle of nowhere.
- You're wrong.

You see—
And this is where you were a fool.

You trusted Christopher White.

Of course I trusted Christopher White.

He wouldn't do a thing like that.

- He couldn't have.
- He would, and he did.

You don't suppose that I told him
to shoot the film, do you?

If this film is shown on TV— as Matt Cutter
intends doing— my company will be ruined.

Sir Jason,
Christopher White works for you.

- Why would he—
- Why would he ruin me?

For money, my dear.

Now put this coat on.
You really have to go.

I'm expecting him here
at any moment...

to tell me that he has uncovered
some personal filth on Matt Cutter...

that he will offer to sell me
so that I, in turn...

can blackmail Cutter
from showing the film.

And as usual,
our Mr. Christopher White...

will collect from both ends...

in the free enterprise tradition
of the double-dealing double agent.

I can't believe it.

Are you comparing
your tawdry disillusionment to mine?

What could he have been to you
except a cheap opportunist?

I lost an empress.

Couldn't you have guessed that?

And you've settled
for a cockney version of James Bond.

- I settled for nothing less than justice.
- Justice?

And I'm going to keep that double-dealing
double agent from turning a profit.

I'm going to recover that film
from Matt Cutter's office tonight.

Taxi!

- Taxi, take me to—
- Madame has transportation. Go on.

- Oh, am I glad you're here.
- Glad? I'm here to arrest you.

You can't arrest me.
Call Monsieur Auber at Interpol.

- He'll explain everything to you.
- Auber?

Yes.
Please call him now.

[Speaking French]

Oh! What—
What are you do— Oh!

- [Horn Honks]
- Let go of me!

[Horns Honking]

Let go of me!

Let me go, you—

Come on. Come on.
Don't argue. Faster.

- Let go!
- [Horns Honking]

Oh!

[Honking]

- What are you doing?
- I'm keeping you out of jail.

- Don't be a hero.
- I'm an antihero.

Is that why
you photographed Clancy and me?

I am not going to let Cutter put you away.
Now come on.

I love you.

- I love you!
- Oh!

I could hate you for this—
for forcing me to tell you the truth.

You wouldn't know the truth
if it came with a syringe.

How can I get the girl at the end
unless I'm a good guy?

It is my understanding that the narcotic
is hidden in the face powder...

and is not injurious to the skin.

But...

when set afire...

and burned...

and reduced to ashes

it becomes a powerful
hallucinogenic...

distributed all over the world
in that innocent May Fortune box.

The only face powder
in the world to send you on a trip.

Ingenious— buy the powder for a dollar,
sell the ashes for thousands.

It's no wonder that May Fortune
face powder's a number one seller.

You bet it is.

If you check the big buyers of that face powder
in every country, monsieur...

you will have the local heads
of the drug syndicate.

We want the top man,
and that man must be Matthew Cutter.

No. Matthew Cutter
isn't smart enough.

I'm sticking with my father's hunch
that it's a woman.

[Patricia On Radio]
One, two, three One, two, three

I'm in Matt Cutter's office
right now

- [Object Rattling]
- Hey, wait a minute.

I heard something down the hall

Hold on.

[Bucket Rattling]

- It's okay. It was just the cleaning woman.
- [Door Opens]

[Bucket Clatters]

Oh, madame.

Madame, you can go
It is not necessary to clean in here

Vous pouvez partir, madame

- [Vacuum Cleaner Whirring]
- Madame, vous pouvez partir.

[Shouting]
Ce n'est pas nécessaire

- [Loud Whirring]
- What are you doing?

Good evening, Miss Fowler.

- Good evening, Dr. Clancy.
- That vacuum isn't moving.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Whirring Continues]

I usually dress a bit more fashionably.

I suspect your father
was really taken with me— [Laughs]

When we made our date to go skiing.

No, no, no, no.
Up. Upstairs.

I figured you got wise to me when
I gave you my cosmetic demonstration.

I was wise to you before I met you.

How interesting.

Yes, but what was really interesting
was the dossier I had on you, Dr. Clancy—

all photographs of you with your women.

- What do you mean?
- Usually a man who has so many women...

is trying to prove something, isn't he?

But what he really likes is to go around
dressed in women's clothes.

- Shut up, you dirty—
- [Screams]

[Gunshot]

Pat? Is that you?

[Groans]

[Screaming]

[Patricia Screams]

- Pat!
- Don't answer him, my dear.

Come. Quietly.

Damn fool, that Clancy.
Always a touch of melodrama.

You're not surprised to see me?

Not at all.

You told Clancy I was here
just as I intended you should.

I knew that's what you wanted.

It also afforded me an excellent
opportunity to have him kill you...

or you to kill him.

What are you doing?

As a final tribute,
I'll name my freckle remover after you.

After all,
you always were my favorite puppet.

Your favorite puppet has told the authorities
all about your face powder.

The May Fortune face powder.
[Laughs]

Poor, innocent Matthew Cutter.

He'll go to jail
for narcotics smuggling...

and he doesn't even know
that Clancy put the dope in the powder.

His company will be ruined.
Please get in, my dear.

And I will have
the cosmetic field all to myself...

after your short trip
across the English Channel.

[Gunshots]

Oh! Christopher!
Help me!

Christopher! What do I do?

Help me! Help me!

Oh!

[Siren Wailing]

- Look!
- She made a perfect landing

To die, to sleep no more.

- And by a sleep, to say we end the heartache...
- The heartache...

[Together] and the thousand
natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

'Tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished.

I'm going to ask you
some questions, Christopher...

that you will answer truthfully,
won't you, love?

[Murmuring]
Mm-hmm.

- Do you promise to give up spying?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you promise to give
up all women, except me?

Mm-hmm.

♪♪[Woman Singing]

♪♪[Ends]