Canterbury n° 2 - Nuove storie d'amore del '300 (1973) - full transcript

(yawns)

- [Narrator] And at this time and humidity

to pick your nose or
wipe it with your sleeve.

In case of emergency,
gentlemen may use a napkin.

And in extreme emergency,
ladies may discreetly use

the hem of their skirts.

If the meal was satisfactory,
one may express one's

gratitude in the form of a gentle belch.

This, however, must not be too loud.

(burps)

There, we must at all times,



remain as equal gentlemen.
- Bastina? Bastina?

Bastina?

- [Narrator] Now, now, run along and play.

- Bastina!

- [Narrator] I'll see you back
here in exactly 20 minutes.

- The messenger?

Has he arrived yet?

- [Woman] Oh!

Oh, sir!

What are you doing?
- It's alright.

I'm the King's Messenger.

- Who?
- The King's Messenger!

I brought a message.

- [Woman] What should I do with it?



- What's going on here!

- He brought a message.
- I brought a message.

- I should think that you
might have a little respect

since you are in the service
of our Lord King Richard.

I have a good mind to report you for this,

and with my favorite servant!

- Your servant?

She didn't feel like.

I didn't know who she was.

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

I am sorry, my Lord.

Please don't tell His Majesty.

- Oh, be quiet and give me the message.

- With the sudden interruption and all,

I've developed a terrible headache.

Do you, per chance, have a
potion you could give to me?

- A sudden headache, and
you want a little potion?

Is that right?

I've been waiting a year for this message.

And I've got a headache!

Now tell me what the King said.

- I'm trying, my Lord, but
if you holler like that,

I'm liable to forget it altogether.

Our Lord Richard II, let
his reign have much glory.

- Go on.

- Our King's message is, "I
recognize in your character

"and personal habits that
you have all the qualities

"needed to succeed in this task.

"And I am sending you,
henceforth, to Canterbury

"that you may see and make note.

"And all this you will
send to your King that."

He may know his.
- There's more.

You're forgetting the money.

I'm certainly not about
to go hungry, you know?

- Oh!

I forgot.

Yes, there is 15 gold sovereigns.

His Majesty wanted to make
certain of everything.

If you need more, you've only to ask.

(laughs)

- Finally, my dreams are happening!

I'm so deliriously happy.

I'm gonna write my stories at last.

My god, they're gonna be
the talk of the century!

Suppose I run into scoundrels?

I must have some protection.

- I shouldn't worry about it.
- But I'm no man of weapons,

and those bandits are dangerous.

- His Royal Highness has
already thought of this,

and I have brought to accompany you one

of His Majesty's Royal
Guards, Cavalier Quick.

Have a good voyage, my Lord.

(intense music)

(laughs)

- My inn is full, my Lords.

But if you're willing to
shrink yourselves a little.

- We've already shrunk as far
as we'll go, tavern keeper.

The rain has seen to that.

I'm afraid we'll have to wait it out here,

then we'll continue onto Canterbury.

- Tomorrow when we go to Canterbury,

we'll have to walk on water.

Good drink, eh, my friends?

- You'll get more than your feet wet.

It's become a lake out there.

It's filled with leeches.

If man or woman should happen
by they'll suck your blood

and propagate by the thousands.

Not a wise idea, I should think.

- I'm not scared of a little water,

so don't try to fight
me with insipid stories.

- I suppose you're planning
to swim all the way?

(laughs)

- Minnie?

Come here, sit at the table.

Sit my Lords.

Move over, yes.
- This is why I don't read.

- There you are.

- I'd advise taking off your armor, sire.

There's no armies here, and
you must be awfully hot.

I think we should let it dry off some.

- [Man] Maybe he enjoys
sitting there rusting, huh?

(laughs)

- [Woman] Let the body breathe or we'll be

carrying that mace for you.

- [Man] As if riding through a sea.

I rode my horse across the grass.

It worried me so that he would sink

should he get water up his ass!

- [Woman] You should have
plugged him up with a cork!

- I did!

I did!

- [Woman] It was probably a mare!

- I don't like this delay.

It's foolish to sit here
when I could be working.

- The weather has gone mad!

But what can one do?

My inn is at your disposition.
- Oh, that's very big of you.

I suppose our gold is
at your disposition too?

If you think I'm gonna pay
you full price for this,

you're nothing but a damn fool!

- Your money disgusts me!

No offense intended,
but you speak with all

the inexperience of a virgin.

(laughs)

You even look like one.

And to prove my good
intentions and honesty,

for everyone that's
present, I'm going to pay.

But there is only one condition.

- Ah, that's better!

It sounds just like you.

- Now, hear what I say,

the condition is that each
of you give us a story.

And the story you tell
will pay for the night.

But I do pray of you to be careful

and try to keep the stories amusing.

Now, let's see how our suspicious

little virgin here will do.

Do you have any silly fables you

would like us to hear, my love?

- Well said, sir, well said.

Although I doubt it whether
this gentle lady's mind

could recall even the slightest
pain of her lost virginity.

The memory, due to age you
know, has certain limitation.

- Bah, go ahead, go ahead!

But first after tolerating
all these things

I shall have to recite
a little poem really.

To my virtue.

Now tell me, all, blessed and non-blessed,

the gentle organs when
which we are endowed,

something that is only a place

where the urine comes cascading out.

Well, now, you must stop
and think about it you know.

Because there is
something else it will go.

Those things of that
function for this or for that

loan so much pleasure
to my tit and my tat.

The pleasure that they
bring is a simple delight.

The pleasure that they
bring is something I like.

(laughs)

- You made enough of a spectacle,

you foolish old milk cow.

We wanna hear some real stories.

- That's no way to speak to a milk cow.

With a lady.

Don't you have any education?

- No, I was waiting for an
ox like yourself to teach me.

(laughs)
- The Miller is surely right.

This woman has offended
us with her poetry.

- There is a story that comes to mind.

It happened a few years ago in Normandy,

once called Amorica.

There lived a noble
knight called Avergadus

and his young bride, Dorigen.

- [Chaucer] Come now, Cavelier
Quick, don't be so pensive.

We shall let ourselves be
kidnapped, taken back in history.

Stay close beside me,

and we'll slip into the story ourselves.

(soft organ music)

- It's very late.

Now I must go.

- Britain is such a great distance.

I'd heard there are
nothing but savages there.

Stay here, my Lord.

- It is my duty.

Duty is more important.

This battle I must fight.

But, to stay away from
you is worse than death.

- Oh, my dearest.

But your promise, will you keep it?

- My word will always be sacred.

I will remain true to you
'til my last dying breath.

Minstrel?

Let your lute sing out.

- [Dorigen] Oh, free me, my Lord.

The soul bound within my
breasts yearns to fly away.

- [Avergadus] With a single blow,

I would break those chains
and put wings of doves.

Your soul would fly with me to the wars.

- [Dorigen] Don't make
me suffer any longer.

(sings in foreign language)

- What the devil is this?

- A chastity belt, my Lord.

I thought it a good idea.

You were going to get
the key before you leave,

if you must know, but let's make love now.

- Why did you do that?

I never expected such a thing from you.

I have complete faith in you.

We'll rid you of that
damnable thing this minute.

- [Dorigen] Oh!

Thank you, my Lord!

Here is the key.

It's one of the newest models.

It holds up the derriere,
and at the same time,

flattens the tummy.

- Are you sure this is
the right key I've got?

- [Dorigen] Oh, I've got so many keys!

To the strong box, to the jewel box.

How stupid of me!

I've got the wrong bunch!

Oh such a stupid mistake,

I thought it was the key to the cellar.

Here my love.

(sings in foreign language)

(soft guitar music)

(laughs)

- Now?

(laughs)

What a lion you are.

(groans)

(gasps)

(soft music)

The war seems so far away.

- Sweet Dorigen remember,
take care of our palace

and pray that I return home to you soon.

Be happy and joyful in my absence

and the days will fly like magic.

- [Dorigen] I will be happy my Lord.

My love!

(unintelligible shouts)

(cries)

- Donna Chalata's here,
do you wish to see her?

- Hmmm, yes.

- You may go in now.

- Is it true you silly
child that you haven't

touched your food in three days?

My dear, this is a ridiculous
thing you're doing.

Now I've had many experiences

and crying doesn't serve to help at all.

If you keep crying and
carrying on like this

you're going to dry up like an old prune.

Your face'll dry up, then
you should begin stinking.

Now stop this, you hear?

I'll be by sometime later in the day

and we'll go for a walk.

The beach, it should be nice.

And no excuses.

Perhaps my dear, what you
need is a man to cheer you?

Forget I said that, I
don't know what makes me

think these things but
then, you're so lucky

you don't have to wear
that chastity belt around.

- Stop that kind of
talk, I wouldn't think of

betraying my gallant husband's trust.

- Well at least you can
go swimming can't you?

- And you?

- My husband is much
more jealous than yours,

I'm all wrapped up like a present.

I'll take my clothing
off but I can't swim.

I can't get sea water on it.

But you go on, it'll be just my luck

the lock would rust shut.

- He's that jealous, your husband?

- I must say, I suppose I'm fortunate

he didn't put a chastity belt on my mouth.

(soft music)

(screams)

Now stop that or I'll not allow
you to come the next time.

- What an impertinent stare he had.

I felt so strange, the way
he kept on looking at me.

What penetrating eyes.

- Tomorrow we'll go to Rocky Point

and spend all afternoon
watching the ships pass.

- Oh I'm sure I couldn't stand it.

I'm afraid to go anywhere
near those rocks.

Do you know how many ships
have crashed on those rocks

and how many men have died.

- Stop worrying now, we won't
go if you don't want to.

- I guess I'm thinking of my
Avergadus if he survives the

battles he still must
sail past those rocks.

Oh dear Lord, you who protect all heroes,

look over my darling
husband, this I pray you.

So many husbands have already
died upon these rocks,

take their souls and push
them over into Hell's inferno.

Only keep my darling
husband safe and sound.

(soft music)

- This seems an opportune
moment to enter the story.

- [Cavalier] I am curious to observe the

characters from a closer vantage point.

- [Chaucer] So am I dear fellow, so am I.

- [Cavalier] It looks as if
we're to be the only men.

- [Chaucer] Not to worry Cavalier,

a better opportunity to
observe the female at leisure.

(giggles)

- There's someone staring at you

with the most violent passionate eye.

(soft music)

- If I disturb you beautiful lady

only say the word and I'll disappear.

- You don't disturb me sir but at the

moment I'm not very good company.

I desire only to be left
alone with my thoughts.

- I wish to steal away
your heart dear lady,

as you have stolen mine.

To observe your body nude would be the

most beautiful gift I
could ever hope to have.

- You dare speak like that,
having surprised me in

a difficult time doesn't
give you any right.

- I prefer to die rather than
to lose my lady's respect.

Having seen you on the beach was

the most wonderful experience.

How happy you made me feel milady.

Now I swear that from this
moment forth all my heart

and my sword are at your service.

- You are thanked for offering your all,

only there is another man,

a man who has a greater
right to my services.

You see I'm married and I'm attached

to him like the clouds in the sky.

- Then if you are the clouds flowing

gently through the air I am the sky.

Stop your dreaming then,
you can't help yourself

anymore than me, is that so terrible?

- What is your name then?

- Aurelius, milady.

- Ah, my Aurelius.

I tell you this, if you are
able to get rid of those

rocks along the coast you'll have my all,

I'll make you the
happiest man in the world.

- [Aurelius] But you give
me an impossible task.

- No more impossible than
what you are asking of me.

Won't you go away now, I'm getting tired.

You will think on my promise,

make the rock disappear and I'll be yours!

(laughs)

(soft music)

- Magician!

Are you here?!

I'm Aurelius.

- I know why you've come here.

I know everything dear but
those rocks are too great a task

and this young lady has
drunk of your flask.

- But she has virtue
and a magnificent body.

- But it boils down to the
same thing you little clown,

I know how your mind turns around.

It's a poor little lad
that needs to be banged

and find a place to stick his twang.

A big hello, that's all
that you may borrow,

to you that lady is sorrow.

That much I do know.

My advice to you is to
leave alone this you screw

but important I know this is to your tool.

A little gold and I'll help see through.

- Here is all the money I've got.

- [Magician] A pittance probably.

- But it's all in gold.

Here.

- I have 980 coins here, three of iron.

This is a far cry from
the price I usually get.

However just this once for you.

Rocks, I command you, disappear!

But before you go there's
one thing you should know,

it's magic that's been
done, now all bets are off.

- [Aurelius] Who cares
what happens afterwards,

by then I'll have known
such incredible pleasure.

- I shall give you these golden
words as clear as the honey

and I'll spend the money,
should you find your

thoughts again thinking
horny and need copulation

yous should try instead my men a little.

(hooves clop)

- [Chalata] It must be a ghost.

- Excuse us Lady Chalata.

- I can't believe it my darling.

I didn't expect you back so soon.

Oh dear Lord, it's so strange,

I was dreaming on horrible things.

That you had drowned, your
ship was broken on those rocks.

- The rocks are the reason I've returned.

They serve to protect our coast.

Stop and think, if it
hadn't been for those rocks

we'd not have had the
strength to halt the invader.

It must be someone using
magic, they just disappeared.

- Disappeared?

- Disappeared, they vanished
right into thin air.

I'm to stay here, by order of the king

and to defend the coast.

(gasps)

What is it?

Aren't you glad to see me?

You'll feel better I'm
sure in the fresh air.

- Avergadus, haven't I
always been a good woman?

And I've always loved and respected you.

- Yes, of course, what's
troubling you all of a sudden?

- When you departed for
Britain I was terribly unhappy,

then I realized I was
behaving like a child,

how ridiculous I was.

So I tried to pull myself
together and amuse myself,

oh honorably of course.

I went to a garden
party at Lady Charlta's,

there was a young Cavalier,
he declared his love for me.

- [Avergadus] Is that all?

- No my Lord, I haven't finished.

After you had gone I could
not free myself from the

thought of your body crushed
upon those horrible rocks.

I stupidly swore to the
Cavalier that if he could have

the rocks disappear I would
love him as I've loved no other.

I was sure it was an impossible task.

Something no one could
possibly accomplish.

I was only thinking of you when I did it.

I was thinking of you.

Only of you.

- [Avergadus] And where is this Cavalier?

- [Dorigen] According to the
agreement I would wait for

him in the garden of Lady Chalata.

But I won't go.

I'd rather die than be unfaithful to you.

- I'd fear that you can
not go back on your word.

But you gave your word and it must stand,

even though I would
rather die than have you

go with another man you must go with him.

When honor breaks you become someone dead,

the Cavalier must have you.

To save our honor woman.

- No, no don't ask this of me.

- Can't you see, you must go to him.

It's not only your word
that will stand broken,

but the honor of the entire
house will be smeared.

I'm sure I can standing
living with this anguish

but you must save the honor in this house.

- [Dorigen] Oh what can I do?

I'll lead him to the forest
of the three sisters,

there I'll save your
honor and mine as well.

Aurelius!

Aurelius!

Aurelius!

(soft music)

(laughs)

- [Aurelius] I say there
woodcutters, have you seen?

Noble ax workers, noble sawers.

Noble, what great muscles you have.

- A man in the forest.

- You saw me and you just
came in your pants didn't you?

- He looks awfully horny.

- Woodcutter!
- Ah.

There we got him!

- Delicious.
- Come on you.

- Dear fellow you're making an error,

you can't just have this side of me.

Free me at once you hear?

I won't stand for this.

- [Woman] Well you're standing now.

(laughs)

- No!

No, please leave me alone.

You can't, you can't do this.

♪ Father John always
told us love is what ♪

♪ Makes the world go round ♪

♪ Father John always told us ♪

♪ Love is what makes the world go round ♪

♪ And Father John's always right ♪

♪ And Father John's always right ♪

(soft music)

- Aurelius.

- Oh no, your body, the woods are so damp.

Don't take your clothes
off for God's sake.

You'll get rheumatism.

- All I need is your body to warm me.

There, put your arms around here, there.

This I promised.

- But my God I'm dead, I can't get it up.

Sweet sugar cake, I am slipping away.

- Hurry now, the time is passing.

- Time is my misfortune.

I who wanted to make love to
you and to feel your body next,

I don't know how I'm going
to get through all this.

(soft music)

I've already shot the
whole thing and more.

I no longer hold you to
your promise, I free you.

Thank you Dorigen, I
just don't want anymore.

Dorigen!

Dorigen!

I think I'm going queer.

- Just another story about
a well meaning whore,

too bad about him.

- He spent the rest of his time

running around the woods screaming.

- Well as the saying goes,
there's people who for want of

love, these people will move
mountains and seize and saints.

They must keep themselves
abreast of things.

And then there is another kind of person,

who overlooks everything, for what?

For honor, for justice, for pride?

And in the meantime his
wife is being cock holded

while he sits home eating his heart out.

And then friends, there's one more.

I call him the Propheter.

This wily man, he prophets
by the honor of others.

Leave your wife for a minute
and he'll shove it up your ass.

(laughs)

- [Monk] How poetic your
are, I'd like to remind you

that spiritual love is what
counts, it's the most valiant.

- I prefer the love of
the body, the body makes

you feel good from all
angles and positions.

- I must remind you of one
thing, love is only platonic.

The celebration then
is only with the eyes,

I feel that is the truth.

I happen to know that a
celebration is a beautiful thing

but the entertainment is
celebrated afterwards with a cup.

(laughs)

- I think its a hell of
a lot more disgusting to

see a lady allowing her
dog to lick her dish.

I recall a very lovely
widow woman I once met,

so young, so sensual, it was
man's best friend she loved.

- Fresh bread!
- Keep them here!

(whistles)

(unintelligible shouts)

- [Merchant] Green vegetables,
green vegetables right here!

(cheerful music)

(dog barks)

(cheerful music)

(grunts)

- Excuse me there for interrupting

but why are you kicking against the wall?

It hasn't done anything.

- Can't you see I'm in love?

This damn wall has encircled
the woman I love more than any.

(laughs)

- And here I thought you were just mad.

Let me offer you the
services of a poor minstrel.

I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll fix you up alright.

Slip me a couple coins and
I'll since her a Neapolitan

love song guaranteed to
drive her out of her mind.

- You shall everything you
need if for only one second

I can feast these poor eyes
on that enchanting woman.

(sings in foreign language)

- Master!
- Master, come and open up!

- [Woman] Master it's us, let us in!

Master, Master we've
been waiting since dawn.

The time has stopped growing long ago.

- [Man] No it hasn't.

- [Woman] Ah, put that thing away!

Master!

- [Man] Master open up!

(groans)

- That sow of a wife.

- [Woman] Master hurry!

(groans)

Open the door!

- Who is it that would wake
a man at this ungodly hour?

(groans)

Come in you bloody swine of
mine, why are you so late?

Talk idiot!

- But Master we couldn't get
you up and around before this.

- You're a moron!

Excuses!

Excuses, excuses.

Where's Federico?

In God's name what have I done?

Much I deserve such an idiot son.

It's for him I'm working

and Federico he does
nothing but let me down.

You go and find him!

I try Mama, last month it cost me twice

as much as I spent on the
store and if you could only

see these stupid clothes he wants to wear,

sometimes I think he's
turning into a little fairy.

(cheerful music)

- Federico?

Federico, what's the matter?

Master!

It's Federico, something's the matter.

When you touch him.

(gasps)

- What's that you say?

What's wrong with him?

I don't understand, what's wrong with him?

- He's lying on the table

and he's looking straight
up at the ceiling.

And when I went in his
thing went like this.

- No, get him a doctor.

- What is it?

May I help you?

- [Father] Are you, are you a doctor?

- And pleased to serve you.

- What good fortune you're here.

It's my Federico,

he's got a terrible
swelling between his legs.

- I shouldn't fear.

- It's swelling up right here
and I'm scared to touch it.

It looks so hard.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

If it's what I suspect it to be

it's simply just a predicament which

always seems to strike
the young, nothing grave.

You'll see, it all will
disappear with age.

Is it possible to observe the young man?

- It took me many years
to save this money,

it's enough to buy a
woman's love in any case.

Here you take it, use
it and get well my son.

I wish you luck and look to God, yes.

Sandro, get over here.

Take care of Federico.

You watch over him as if
he were your own brother

because if anything at all happens

to him I'll smash your head like this!

- Finally, well what did she say?

- It's no use sire, all your
gifts were well received

and very much admired but
the lady refuses to see you.

- Idiot, what are you laughing at?

- If you could see the ass
on her maid you'd laugh too.

And laughing seems to release the tension.

She's built like a brick,
ah well she informed me that

her mistress has been a
widow now for three years

and she must wait another, lets see,

two years before she may speak to a man.

She must be horny enough to honk.

- I can't wait any longer,
the damn thing is getting

bigger than I am, there
must be something we can do.

- Well she seems to like dogs.

- I see, this could be a damn good idea.

Hurry Sandro!

(bell rings)

My passion for you is so
great I can't stand it.

I was in such a hurry I'm afraid

I grabbed the first one's I saw.

- I pray you, be kind to me

and please do free these poor dogs.

I like dogs, only these have such a stink.

I suppose they're all flea bitten surely.

Don't you think you're being a bit

bold in your declarations to me sire?

- I'm sorry.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
to have you love me my lady.

- I'm sure I believe you.

I was so alone these last years

and I wanted someone I could speak to.

I beg you stand, for I
would speak in private.

Anna, get rid of those dogs.

- [Anna] Yes my lady.

- Forget the dogs and move nearer to me.

Come closer, don't be nervous,
I have a secret I wish

to confide and I do hope you
won't be disturbed by it.

- Don't mind me, I'll keep your secret.

The secret I can't keep just
doesn't exist, so go ahead.

- You're so respectful
of a woman, I'm glad.

I hope you don't forget any of it,

I'm abnormal sire,
about dogs, I need dogs.

It's morbid I know,
men are so boring sire,

is there no one to provide
what most I have need of.

My poor Igor, before he died
he would go at it every night

and on Sundays he'd ask for more.

By Christ I'm in need.

(groans)

You can see why I prefer dogs
me Lord, simply for my honor.

With a man there would have
been the most horrid scandal.

If you wish me to be yours you
must make me a promise first.

- Anything, anything you want.

- Just this one time I want
you to bring forth my big sheep

dog and the others who were
here throughout my solitude.

And one more thing, you
moron, they better be clean.

- Oh they'll be clean alright.

- That's a good boy.

From then on it'll be your turn.

- From then on no more dogs?

- Go on and bring them right away.

Small dogs, big dogs, buffalo,
oh I should love that.

Then I'll be at your service.

First the dogs.

- Hurry Sandro, we've got work to do.

- No I was almost there.
- Come on.

- Why sire, she was just
gonna tell me her name.

- Tell me son, these dogs,
you want something special?

Something weird?

- No, it's not important.

Just so they know how to, you know.

- Young man all dogs know
how to do that, oh yes,

it's their principle activity.

- You seem to know dogs.

Tell me, is a man as durable
as a dog in contenting a lady?

I mean, how should I
put it, with his tongue?

- Not always but a friend
of mine cut the cord

that held his tongue, but
unfortunately he lost it someplace

and couldn't find it.

- That's a good trick, now what happens?

- When the she's are in
heat they give an odor.

When the others smell
that they come a running.

(dogs bark)

- [Federico] The old fart
knew his stuff alright.

Those bitches really have
their tongues hanging out.

(dogs bark)

- [Sandro] So why is
that one running away?

- [Federico] I don't know,
maybe he's queer. Hey queer!

You see that.

- My Lord you're heavy, in you go.

- [Sandro] Come on,
nice dog, there you are.

- [Carla] Hey get back
here you two, come on.

- [Sandro] Oh, this one stinks.

Goody doggie.

- [Federico] Hurry up, she still hasn't

found the one she wants to start with.

I need another one.

What about that one?

He's gruffly.

I hope she likes this one.

- Now what the hell is
this you've brought?

- It's a watchdog.

- I don't need him to watch.

My God, he's the brute and that face.

I've a mind to send you away.

Bring me a young one, handsome and strong.

I couldn't possibly make it
with an old one like that.

- The whole thing is useless.

Not one of them did she want.

Either they're too big, or too little,

or a little bit too
aggressive or a bit docile.

I don't know what there is left.

- I think I have an idea.

Try offering all the
dogs at once to milady.

- I have a marvelous idea, for
a grand finale, for one last

unforgettable moment you'll
have all those dogs at once.

- All you say?
- Yeah.

- Oh marvelous, oh
Federico you are fantastic.

Carla, prepare my room for me immediately.

- [Carla] Yes milady.

- Oh darling, it's so thrilling,

I want to tell you
something really special.

- Sandro, go get the doggies.

(whispers)

- Jam huh?

Lots of jam.

That'll be nice, how
very beautiful of you.

They'll just love it, I know.

A proper reward.

You're much too kind.

- Soon I'll be all yours, don't go away.

- There's something in me that rebels

against following the dogs.

- Console yourself my darling,
they're man's best friend.

- Here, try some.

Here's the jam milady.

- Let the little buggers in.

- [Carla] Bring in the dogs.

(hums)

- Everything alright in there?

- [Woman] Have patience my
darling, I'll be yours soon.

And no peaking through the keyhole.

(dogs bark)

- Get over here.
- Come on.

- Come on dogs.
- Get back here.

- [Sandro] What did you
say your name was again?

- [Anna] I didn't say.

(dogs bark)

- I can't stand it any longer.

(screams)

Oh God, they've eaten her.

(sobs)

- I do hope that this story
has taught you all a lesson.

Forget about those ladies
who think only of dogs.

Wouldn't you say so sister?

- That was a disgusting story.

It's a good thing that
my wife's gone to bed.

Boy, not very dependable that waiter.

Where do you think he could have gone?

- I don't know, he's left alright.

A very good lad though,

maybe a good kick in
the ass is all he needs.

- The hell with his ass!

I'll twist his balls off!

- I was under the impression that balls

should be tickled, not twisted.

Not a very loving fellow is he.

If every adult were to have
his balls twisted a little

the world would be a better place.

I want you to know nothing
perverted has ever happened here,

this is a respectable inn.

He was probably tired and
went upstairs to rest.

- Oh he's upstairs alright
but he's not resting.

I think his balls are
being twisted inside out.

- Where is he?

Where is he?

I'll tear him apart?

- What are you doing my husband?

- I'm betrayed, what are you
doing without your clothes on?

- I ate something that wasn't
good and I have the runs, so.

- What's that smell?

You shit in the room?

- No.

- Oh yes you did.

Just because you have big tits
doesn't mean you're a cow.

How many times do I have to tell you

to throw it out when you're finished?

Go to sleep and remember,
the next time you have to go

be sure and throw it out.

- Come on.

Hurry.

- I'm cold.

- I'll make it go away.

- I'm going to feeze to death.

- Don't worry, I'll warm you.

- It's so cold.

- It's just your imagination.

- It's your shit.

- I think it's time we all went to bed.

- I beg you kind sirs, do not
think yet of going to bed.

The atmosphere is just right
for a story I have to tell,

don't you sense a chill coming on?

It comes fast and cold when the
odor of death is in the air.

Don't you feel the evil
lurking in the night?

Strange spirits moving in the darkness.

- [Man] Don't listen to him,
he's just trying to scare us.

- [Man] The story I'm about to

tell begins on a night like this.

- [Man] Well, don't stop, go on.

- [Woman] I don't like stories

that begin at night, they scare me.

- [Man] Very well, we'll
start it during the day then.

Alright?
- Alright, that's better.

- [Man] Three youths, two boys and a girl.

- Excuse the intrusion
brother but would you

mind putting us up for the night?

That is if it doesn't inconvenience you.

- And she too will stay with us?

- Yes, now will you show us to our rooms?

- You know that statue?

- Yes, John, he made the
halo for Saint Simon.

- Come, right this way then.

- I wonder how deep this well is.

- It's easy enough to find out.

You let a stone drop and start counting.

- Will you keep your hands to yourself.

- Relax, what do you care anyway?

- It's neither the time or the place.

- I thought I found just the place.

Don't forget to count.

- One, two, three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

How deep is it?

Oh.

- I hope you'll be comfortable, listen.

- I'm listening.

- Your friend, the way
he was touching your.

- Counting on his fingers
the depth of the well.

- But Oddo, he's your fiance.

- To tell the truth I'm
involved with both of them.

Gio has terrible luck with women so I.

- I see, so willingly
you share your fortunes,

your blessings as abundant as they are.

- What do you expect me to do with it?

- Certainly, certainly,
you're absolutely right.

You're so very saintly, I too
have been without luck all my

life, good fortune always
seems to pass without touching.

Pass without touching.

Pass without touching.

But why are you traveling on?

- For some reason the
lady doesn't like it here.

We're returning to San
Samoni through the valley.

- Not through the valley!

The young lady would
surely be better off here.

In the valley is where death
lurks, he'll take you to hell.

- Sorry, the lady is coming with us.

- No it's better to
leave her here with me,

I'll watch over her, you
take her to the valley

and she'll never live through it.

- We're not afraid, if death wants to

play the reaper he'll pay the price.

- [Monk] The price is
nothing to death my children.

I warn you stay alert for death is

capable of seeing in the dark.

Only the other night he killed
two young lovers and dragged

their souls away in chains,
damning them forever in hell.

- And the valley guards,
what are they doing?

They should try to catch this murderer.

We'll go ourselves and see to it.

- [Monk] What are you saying?

You're out of your head.

You can't look at him,

if you do he'll frighten you to death.

- We're not cowards like you.

We'll search out this murdering rascal.

Oh we'll catch him and
brandish on a pike throughout

this land his ugly head, his rotten heart

and his horny, grisly cock.

- But I think you should carry
his horny old prickly head

and I'll carry his cock!

(laughs)

Come out death, I want
to cut out your heart.

- We made a pact
Carlotta, I get the heart.

- Devil it's your head I want.

It's mine, mine you hear?!

Mine!

(haunting music)

We'll ask the old infected one
if he knows where death is.

- [Gio] We better not get
to close to him though,

you never can tell.

- Go fornicate death,
I piss in your mouth.

I'll shit all over you.

I'll shove crotch up your ass!

You mangy little freakish,
what are you looking at?

All your mother's were infected

and all your father's to
get you screwed cattle.

- Quiet you stinking old horse son,

we don't scare that easily
you festered piece of shit.

Befouled cancer you are, disgusting!

Be careful old man or I'll kill you,

why are you talking about death?

You sickened old disease, I
think you're one of his spies.

Tell me, where is death?!

You infected old sore, talk!

Talk, talk or I'll cut out your asshole,

then I'll leave you tied and
let the birds feed on you.

Now talk you decayed shit!

- You're speaking unkindly to
a sick, old born inbred sir.

That isn't nice at all.

But if you insist on
searching out death my child

then turn around and go
back along that trail.

Turn right at the far end,
you follow that trail then

until you get into the bush.

Death shall be there in the forest lurking

and he has the power to conquer you.

You'll fry in hell this
night and that's that.

And may misfortune fall on
you, young impediment bastards.

Children of pigs.

- Draw your swords, death lurks here,

lets not keep him waiting.

- I'll go around this way
and get him from the side.

- Carlotta, you come with me.
- No, I'm not afraid.

If you fail I'll be
waiting this way for him.

(haunting music)

Where are you death?!

(haunting music)

- [Oddo] Death?!

- [Carlotta] Death?!

(haunting music)

- Oddo!

Carlota!

Come, there's no one here.

(haunting music)

You hear, I'm not scared!

(haunting music)

You're just trying to frighten me huh?

If you're being that way I'm staying

right here until this is finished.

(haunting music)

Oddo.

(haunting music)

(screams)

(laughs)

Oddo, leave me alone.

- We scared you!

- Alright you scared me.

- The old man was joking because
death is nowhere in sight.

- Yes but there's something in

this forest much more important.

- More important, what's that?

- Smell it Carlotta, our boy
stepped into some horse shit.

- You're wrong about that,
what I stepped in was gold.

- Gold?
- He's crazy!

- What are you saying?

I think we scared the wits out of you.

- Maybe, but have a look at this.

(haunting music)

- It's true.
- Gold.

- I told you.
- Gold pieces.

- Real gold.
- Hundreds, thousands!

- My friends this will give us all the

things we've ever dreamt about having.

- [Carlotta] Gold!

- As I walked I stumbled and there it was.

Now we must keep our heads cool.

Our biggest principle problem will be

transporting it out of
the woods and get away.

We mustn't be seen or they'll
think we've stolen it.

If caught we'll simply hang.

- Now that I'm rich I don't
think I'd like to hang.

- Yes, or burn, they
could do that for example.

- We must make certain that
no one will learn of the gold.

So we will have to work
throughout the night.

Now we have to decide which
one of us is to go into

the village and get food
and wine for us to eat.

It's a delicate decision.

We've each got to trust the other

but we'll all be cautious
at the same time huh.

The simplest solution I feel
is for all Oddo and I to

stay here and watch the gold huh?

In the meantime Carlotta
will go into the village for

provisions and you Carlotta,
you'll be able to do that?

- Of course I'll be alright.

I hope this is the best solution.

- Then hurry and be
back as soon as you can.

- Yes.

- Oddo, there's enough gold here to

last us the rest of our lives.

This is for me, this is for
you and this for Carlotta.

We'll divide it equally,
just like brothers.

- Sure, we've always
been the best of friends.

Only your the one whose always

trying to screw my girl right?

- That's not true, you're my friend.

- It's alright, don't worry about it.

I put your money there,
and I put my money here.

Two parts, you understand.

- You mean just two?

You don't care about Carlotta?

- Yes but only up to a certain point.

With all this gold it's possible

to buy a hundred girls like her.

This is how we'll go about it.

When dear Carlotta returns
I'll take her with me

into the woods, we'll be
over there near that bush.

After a minute or so, she
won't suspect anything,

I'll see to it that she won't hear you.

Then you come along, but
quietly take your sword

and stab our dear Carlotta in the back.

(bell rings)

- [Carlotta] Is anyone here?

- Bat wings, no not bat
wings, it's lizard tails.

I've got to get them in the proper order.

Good evening young lady,
I was just about to close

but if there's something I can do for you

why I should be glad to.

- Thank you, I need some poison,

my cellar is full of rats about this big.

- Big ones.
- And some bigger.

- If you ask me a good
cat is what you need

but then your cat, is he very large?

- For rats this big I would
prefer something else.

- In that case I have
just the thing for you.

Whatever living thing that
should swallow even one drop

of my preparation, no
matter how small the dose,

before he could walk a mile.

Not even that long.

A half mile, a quarter, he would be dead.

- How marvelous.

- [Merchant] Perhaps I could
interest you in a larger cat?

About this big.
- Here's your money.

Save that thing for your wife!

(haunting music)

For you my loves.

(laughs)

- Oh there's so many.

There's so many we can hardly count them.

I've loved you as a poor man,

now as rich one I want
you on a bed of gold.

There's nothing to be
frightened of, I love you.

(haunting music)

(screams)

- You'll die.

(groans)

- Oh God, no.

You bitch.

(groans)

No, no.

(groans)

(bell rings)

(haunting music)

- If we hurry we may still
have time to save their souls.

(haunting music)

(hums)

- Seems the weather's improving.

The water's return to their beds.

Soon it'll be subsided
enough that we may continue

our journey to Canterbury, hey my Lords?

- A pity, I was just
beginning to enjoy myself.

- If you want some
different pleasure Cavalier,

I have a story I would
very much like to tell you.

Less depressing than
the one you just heard.

- I couldn't ask for anything more.

It's a fitting past time for a king.

- I'm glad and it's about a
king I'm going to tell you.

A king who lived in ancient Greece,

not an important or even potent king.

But an impatent king.

(merry music)

(banging on door)

- [King] Yes?!

- A message sire.

- [King] Have it brought by
the secretary of chambers.

Well give it here.

- Call me the prime minister immediately!

- Yes sire.

You called for me sire?

- Read this?

- A great day for the
house Enticus sire, yes.

That you may see your
daughter again after 20 years.

The happiness in your heart
and your kingdom is great.

The rejoicing that will go on.

The princess.
- Shut up you imbecile!

You're an idiot.

20,000 is the ransom they want

and me without a coin in me pocket.

- If I recall correctly
sire the princess was only

two years old when kidnapped.

Now let me see, that was 18 years ago.

Isn't it so sire?

It's certain by now she's grown into

a young, attractive woman, well developed.

20 years old.

Then figure 600 pieces per year.

- I forbid it,

my prayers couldn't stand to
pay out for all that gold.

No no no, it's impossible.

- That depends, for a two year old child

it's certainly not worth your paying.

But for a young girl, a beauty well built,

pay it, pay it and consider
the money well spent.

- Get out.

And what do I do if you she's

not a beauty as you're implying.

- Then you don't recognize her.

- Right.

- You have a pretty good idea there.

Splendid, have the treasurer
come and I'll talk to him.

If she's ugly I'll banish you.

- What's taking you so long you idiot?

Hurry imbecile, hurry!

If I was paying you I'd stop.

I've never seen such a lazy
oaf, what are you doing?

We haven't all day.

Oh they're here!

Hurry you big ox!

Sound the clips you fool.

(horns blare)

What's the matter, doesn't
anything work around here?

Get those flags up, come on, come on!

Lets go, lets go!

(upbeat music)

- That's good, good.

We shall be well received
here I should think.

- Oh yes and with all etiquette.

- Yes.

- Lower the drawbridge!

Well don't just stand there!

- I sense something mysterious here.

- I feel a great misery.

Hope for the best.

(doors squeak)

- And you, woman in the metal clothing,

you pretend to be my daughter?

- I sire am the Prince Figarosti.

- Oh, excuse me.

I was mistaking you for a woman.

- But I am a female.

- I was under the impression that

I heard you say prince, not princess.

- You heard correctly sire,
I did say prince because

the title pertains mainly
to my frame of mind.

- As you say.

It seems to me that you
are not only lacking

your mind but in your sex.

Whose that there?

- This is the minster of
social strangity sire.

- Minister?

He looks more like a tavern keeper to me.

That's a friar?

- Not a friar sire, it's your daughter.

- But why do I only get the odd ones?

A prince she tells me, I
never would have known it.

A tavern idiot who
calls himself a minister

and a friar who says she's my daughter.

And you, all dressed up
like you were a Cavalier,

what do you really do?

Are you an oriental dancer?

Tell her to come a little closer

and take off that horrible thing.

Come here, I want you to come here.

Ah!

- I am sorry sire, but
ours is a poor country

and banks are empty and this veil is

all we could find for the poor young girl.

- Stop you imbecile!

You expect I can see through the robe?

Now we concern ourselves
with only official business.

Hercules, go and call the prime minister.

And tell them to locate those

old birth documents on my daughter.

- [Hercules] Yes sire!

- [King] We must first
control the documents

with the greatest care,
the dynasty demands it.

Hey Prince?

- I realize that sire and I
would proceed also with caution.

In Figaratso the saying is
the world is full of cheats.

- I'm here sire.

- Antonius, my prime minister.

We must ascertain if this girl

is really my daughter Amitonia.

That is the crucial point.

Take a seat please.
- Thank you sire.

- And where would you suggest we sit?

- No, no no, it's not important.

My memory is phenomenal.

Oh how rude I get.

You've come all the way from Figaratso

and I'm sure you're hungry and tired.

Now you tell Hercules to bring some food

and wine with which to
show our hospitality.

- Yes sire, as you wish.

- Antonius, where are you going,

I need you here for your advice.

- But you requested Hercules sire.

- [King] Ah yes, go go go go, go get him.

- Yes sire.

- [King] Lets see where we are here.

Yes, if I remember correctly she

had one foot larger than the other.

Now lets see, Antonius,
what do you think Antonius?

Antonius!

I'm asking advice of you!

What are you doing way down there?

- Thinking about the feet,
studying them from afar.

- What do you mean studying from afar.

These things must be studied up close.

Antonius, will you listen wasn't there

some other kind of a sign on her I hope.

- [Antonius] A mole sire.

- A mole, where's the mole?

Where?

- [Antonius] Above, at the bottom.

- Above, below, where?

Oh what the hell does he mean then?

I can't find it.

Dammit it, where is it?

- Above, on the bottom!

- I've already looked above,
oh where the hell is it?

- Above, on the bottom!

- Ahh, above on the bottom.

- Oh I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't think I can take
much more of this nut.

(cheerful music)

- Antonius!

- Here sire!

- Come witness this, come on.

- I'm coming sire.

- Hercules, wine.
- Here it is sire.

- Look Antonius, look here it is.

The mole.

- If you remove your finger sire

I'd probably be able to see it.

- And you Cavalier?

What do you think of all this?

- I don't know, quite frankly I don't

see anything regal about it at all.

- I think it might be
better to make a more

thorough examination
your majesty, in private.

- Let her be my Lords,
the princess cannot be

left alone until you have
compensated us for returning her.

- Of course, you may stay milady.

I mean Prince.

But I think it best
though we should leave.

Sire.

- Chaucer, this man, I have feeling

I've met hims somewhere before.

- That's the famous Hercules,

he hasn't finished his 13th labor yet.

- I was under the impression
there was only 12 labors.

There were.

(laughs)

- First the gold.
- Oh.

- The wine is from Syracuse.

Resonated.

300 years before Christ, a good year.

I don't care for the king's
manner towards his daughter.

I'm sickened.

That bastard, he should be killed.

Who knows what the child is suffering.

- Oh don't be such a romantic.

Admit you'd like to be
there this very moment.

But in the same place that
idiot king is in, huh.

She'll probably kill the clown.

(laughs)

- Paid in gold my Lord.

(laughs)

- Oh don't pull so hard.

(laughs)

Wait, wait.

- Come on.
- Wait, wait, okay.

- Come on.
- Do it some more.

(laughs)

- Don't let it upset you, your temperament

my man is much too
delicate with these things.

- His own daughter?

(laughs)

- Stay right in there sire.

- It's a horrible thing we've done.

We have been accomplices to incest.

- She's no more a princess
then you Cavalier,

she's the most corrupt
and ugly of my servants.

- What do you say?

- I'm afraid it's true.

Now do you feel so terrible?

- You dogs, you miserable dogs.

You've been hiding the truth from me.

- By hiding the truth we
discovered your humble nature.

(laughs)

Hercules, are you
training for the Olympics.

- Last year it was vaulting.

This year its running, I
just don't know what to do.

I'm too old to start
looking for another job.

- Choochie, choochie, that's my girl.

(groans)

- Hercules, who will comfort me now?

- [Hercules] Don't worry my
lady, this one labor I'll enjoy.

- Proves the point doesn't it?

Girls aren't the weaker sex.

(laughs)

(unintelligible voices)

- It was your traveling companion my Lord.

He could have very well
have hit one of us.

- Oh I doubt that, for
that man happens to be

the best archer in the whole of England.

Please, my Lord, seat yourself.

I have a message you read to all of you.

But first, tavern owner, would you be kind

enough to give us all a glass of wine?

You servants, gather round,
this message is also for you.

"Hear this my dear Chaucer,
I wish to thank both you

"and my fellow travelers,
I learned more in one night

"as you Cavalier and escort than

"in all the years in court
away from the people.

"I want you to tell them one
and all to heed these words

"that if every any of them
should be in need of assistance

"they have but to call on me.

"I must now ride long and
hard to rejoin our armies

"already in combat against the invader.

"Reserve your stories and
tales until we meet again,

"and in Canterbury pray
for me, but not too much.

"Richard II, King of England."

- The king?
- Richard!

- Ladies and gentlemen,
a toast to long life

and wellbeing, may God keep him safe,

Richard II, King of England.

- [All] Long live the King.

Long live the King.

Long live the King.

Long live the King.

(intense music)