Can't Buy Me Love (1987) - full transcript

Ronald Miller is tired of being a nerd, and makes a deal with one of the most popular girls in school to help him break into the "cool" clique. He offers her a thousand dollars to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month. It succeeds, but he soon learns that the price of popularity may be higher than he expected.

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ I'll buy you a diamond ring
my friend ♪

♪ If it makes you
feel all right ♪

♪ I'll get you anything
my friend ♪

♪ If it makes you
feel all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ I'll give you all
I've got to give ♪

♪ If you say
you'll love me too ♪

♪ I may not have
a lot to give ♪

♪ But what I got
I'll give to you ♪

♪ I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Everybody tells me so

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ No, no, no... no

♪ Say you don't need
no diamond rings ♪

♪ And I'll be satisfied

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

No, no, no. I'm on a diet.
Thank you.

♪ I don't care too much for money

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ Owwww

My hair is such a mess!

What about my clothes?

Yuck. Girls.

- We're so bad.
- We're so cool.

Mess with us,
you'd be a fool.

- Um, we've got the school...
- No.

We've got the teams.
We've got the class.

- Uh, uh...
- But on the field, we'll kick your ass!

- Hi, girls.
- My mom's gonna freak.

She is.

Hi, guys!

Wait 'til you see this
new dress Cindy bought!

- It is to die for!
- You're gonna love 'em!

- My credit card, please.
- Yeah, yeah.

Here they are.
In my pocket. There.

Cindy, I thought I said
only the Neiman Marcus card.

But, Mother, school
starts on Tuesday.

Cindy, this is what I'm
talking about: responsibility.

Honey, you're a senior now.

Why can't you be more mature
like the Miller boy, huh?

That's okay.

Oh, Mother.
Get serious.

- "Get serious"?
- Wipe out!


♪ No, no, no... no

♪ Say you don't need
no diamond rings ♪

♪ And I'll be satisfied

♪ Tell me that you want
the kind of things ♪

♪ That money just can't buy

♪ I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

- ♪ Can't buy me love
- Chuckie.

- ♪ Love - Chuckie,
Mom told you to stay out of the tree house.

- It's dangerous. Now, get down.
- Oh!

I think that the girls are gonna have

a little difficulty
with that one...

- Well, you know...
- step, because of with the arms up...

I think we should make it a little
harder, so they have a hard time.

My God, you are such
a bitch sometimes.

No, listen. It doesn't matter
if they know the whole routine.

We have to look for rhythm.

That's true. I'll get it!

Hello! Cindy Mancini.

Put on Channel Five!
Bobby's on! Thank you.

- Are you serious?
- Oh, my gosh!

- You gotta be a little homesick.
- It is Bobby.

- Let me ask you.
- Great.

What's the one special thing you
miss most about the old hometown?

- Cindy's name on TV!
- Mind if I get a little personal?

- Whoo-oo!
- What I really miss the most...

always made me feel so good
after football practice.

- You're so lucky, Cindy.
- I miss that hydro massage machine...

back in the old
high school gym.

Well, the old high school
misses you too, Bobby Hilton.

Good luck
with the Hawkeyes.

- Stocky Jones...
- Cindy.

Hey, you guys, it's no felony. Come on.
I mean, he's got a lot on his mind, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Football and everything.

Yeah. Okay.

- Look, we're late, okay? Let's go.
- Yeah.


Five, six, seven, eight.

- And one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight. -

♪ One, two and four.

- Whoo!
- ♪ I can't take this anymore

Hit seven, hit eight.
All right! Ha, ha!

Okay, good stuff!

Five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Come on, you guys. Come on!

Arms up. Yes!

Whoo! All right.
Lookin' good.

Keep smilin'. Let's go! Yeah.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

Hey, Ronald! Thought you were
gonna meet me in the library.

Buy your telescope yet?

You better soon, or
you're gonna miss the sale.

A thousand dollars
is grand larceny as it is.

- What? Are you worried about the capital outlay?
- No, I was just thinking...

about the cool clique.

Why would you be thinking about them?
They're certainly not conscious of us.

That's my point.
Wouldn't you like to hang with them?

You have been hanging on Cindy
Mancini's lawn for what? Five years?

I bet she doesn't
even know your name.

You got a crush on Cindy?

- Huh?
- No.

Well, most living organisms do,
but she's way out of our league.

- She's even out of their league.
- Okay, freeze! Good!

All right.
Looked good, both of you.

- It's fun.
- Oh, good. Look, here comes the sleaze master himself.

Lovely ladies. Miss Mancini.

- Lookin' good.
- Thank you.

Like I knew you would.

- Why don't you take a shower, Quint?
- A cold one.

- Yeah, definitely.
- Ten seconds flat in full pads, yeah.

- All-state this year, no question.
- No question!

Tell 'em about the party.

Uh, hey, guys.
Back-to-school party at my place.

- Cool!
- I'm there.

I'm thrilled.

Check it out, dudes.
New recruits.

Being a senior's gonna be
a beautiful thing.

I can taste it now, man.
Hold my pad.

This is supposed to be
the biggest year of our lives.

The prom, parties, homecoming.
We're supposed to have memories.

Memories? We'll have
plenty of memories.

Yearbook committee, video parlor,
card games on Saturday nights.

Cards are for retards.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.

We do have a lot of great memories.
But be honest.

Wouldn't you
like to be popular?

And have to be
in a clique? No!

What happened to us?
We were all friends in elementary.

That's because we were all forced
to be in the same room together.

But, hey, junior high,
high school. Forget it.

Jocks became jocks.
Cheerleaders became cheerleaders.

We became us. I like us.

- "I like us."
- I do.

I just think it would be more fun to
party with those guys our senior year.

- Go to the games.
- We go to all the games.

We sit in the visiting section,
Kenneth, at our own school.

I told you and told you.

- Mom!
- Where have you been?

Now there's
the answer, buddy.

If you want to be popular,
you get one of those...

And you get one of those.

Yeah, right, my fifteen
hundred wouldn't buy the wheel.

- You can rent 'em, you know.
- Yeah.

♪ Come on a safari with me Early in
the mornin' we'll be startin' out ♪

♪ Some honeys will be
makin' the scene ♪

♪ I've loaded up my woody
with the boards on top ♪

- ♪ And I put on my faded blue jeans
- Looks, um, clean, Dad.

- ♪ Come on, baby Wait and see
- Oh, thank you, son.

You know, anytime you want to borrow this
little beauty for a night on the town,

it's yours.


- ♪ Let's go surfin' now
- You missed a spot, Dad.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

- Mother!
- Whoa!

Beauty runs in this family,
and it runs fast.

Rock? Oh, I see
you've met my little baby.

Baby? I thought
she was your little sister.

- Oh, Rock.
- Mother.

Mom? Can I borrow
your suede outfit tonight?

Cindy, I said no.


I'll take care of big sister.

Oh. Isn't he a hunk?

Good word, Mom.

Oh, yes!


Whoa! Come on.

So, uh, I'm glad
you made the squad.

You know, you girls are
so important to the team.

- I mean, your help is so crucial between games too.
- Yeah?

- Keeping our spirits up.
- Great!

- What can I do to help?
- Oh.

Not at the table, please.

So have you saved up
enough money?

Yeah, fifteen
hundred dollars!

Yeah, I mowed 331 miles
of grass this summer.

That's $4.54 per mile.

Hmm, The Ronald Miller Story:
My Life On A Mower.

How much is the microscope?

- Telescope.
- Oh, well.

It's $1,000,
and it's on sale.

Then I'm gonna deposit the
rest in a money market account.

I'm proud of you, son.
You worked, you earned, you saved.

You ask. Hey, big Dave.
How 'bout, uh,

spottin' me a 20 to
purchase some necessities?

- Why? What's up, son?
- Preschool jam session at Julie's.

Okay. And what
about you, Ronald?

You got any back-to-school
parties lined up?

Yeah, the Saturday night
card game.

Ooh! Cards with the 'tards.

- Smack him.
- Hey, bro, I'm only kidding.

I mean, who could beat a night of
cards, chips, dips and dorks?

Well, guys, read 'em and weep.

Your deal.

Ronald! Your deal.

Let's do something different.

What do you mean?

We've been playing poker
for two years.

Let's play another game.

Dealer's choice.


- Fran, isn't it?
- Yeah!

Wow! Wow, can I pet it?

- I'm sorry. It's dead.
- Ooh, cool outfit!

Ooh, what a severe suede.

You guys, it's no big deal.
Um, Bobby sent it to me from Iowa.

You know, they have
fine leathers down there.

Oh, yeah, the best leathers come from
Rome, Paris and Des Moines.

I don't remember this.
I was just in your closet yesterday.

Um, I probably had it somewhere else.
I don't know.

Hey, Fran, do you wanna
go mingle a little bit?

My mom won't let me near suede.
It's too hard to clean.

Yeah, I know.
My mom feels the same way.

Did I tell any of you girls
about my many scholarship offers?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, John boy!

- Yeah! Quint! Hi!
- John!

Watch it! Ooh. Sorry, hon.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry. It's only wine.

Just rub some salt on it.
It'll come out.

Oh, oh.

I mean, it's not like
I ruined it.


Damn it.

Now, for the same price,
I can sell you this five-inch telescope.

- Oh, it's only five inches.
- Well, it has an optical inverter.

- Hmm.
- Take a look. Take a look.

It gives you an erect image
rather than upside-down.

Hmm. Yeah. Ah, yes!

I see the erection.

I'll be right back.

I'll wrap it up
for you, Ronald.

Yes, I, I relate to your dilemma, miss.
I really do.

But we have a policy
of no exchanges,

especially after a garment
has been marinated in Ripple?

All right, now, I will
compromise, all right?

Um, I, I will work here after
school and on weekends...

Would you listen to me?
I will work here after school and on weekends,

and all you need to do is give me
a replacement outfit as an advance.

- Listen, honey.
- What?

I'll repeat your
alternatives one last time.

You can keep your outfit and
dye the rest of it cranberry.

Or you can purchase a new one.

Would you please help me?
I will do anything.

Tsk. It's not that bad.

- What are you talking about? Are you high?
- I want to rent you.

You want to rent me?

Yeah. You pretend you like me,
and we go out for just a few weeks...

and that will make me popular.

Just going out with me is
not gonna make you popular.

Well, I have $1,000
that says it will.

I think you've mowed
one too many lawns.

You're right.


I believe we have decided
against purchasing the outfit.


Oh! You made it!

- I was afraid you weren't gonna meet me.
- Mellow out, Donald.

I said 8:05. I'm here, right?
Relax, anyway. It's only school.

Yeah, well, this is not
my average opening day.

I'm about to walk
the cool hallway.

- I usually go the long route through the library.
- Would you ease up?

I mean, I'm the one who's gonna
have to hold a press conference...

when we're seen
together, right?

- Right.
- Okay, now let's get this deal straight one more time.

Um, we only pretend to hang, right?
Uh, no hand holding, no kissing!

And I get my lunch hour off.

That's not our deal.
I need more return on my investment.

Well, there's no way I'm
holding your hand in public.

I mowed 286 miles for you.

Okay, one lunch.

There are five days
in a school week.

- All right, Donald, two lunches.
- Three lunches.

- And the pep rally on Friday.
- Four lunches. That's it!

Okay, deal.
Now, just remember,

this is our sworn secret
for life or longer.

- You promise.
- Yeah, yeah. I promise.

Anyway, how bad could it be, right?
It's only for one week.

No, no, it's one month.
One month.

Yeah, I know.
Okay, one month.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now if I'm gonna do this for one day,
we have to do something about your style.

I mean, it's like nonexistent.
Okay? Take off that hat.

And... rub that in.

Okay, um,
take off those glasses.

Here you go.

Let me take a look at you.

Nope. Turn around.

Oh, sh...

Okay, here you go.
Your sleeve.

- - Don't worry about it.
You look fine.

Turn around and back up.

- Yes, yes, big improvement.
- Yes.

Okay, Donald, we're ready.

- Oh, Cindy, one last thing.
- Yeah?

My name is Ronald,
not Donald.

- Let's do it.
- That's right. Let's do it.

Should I put my collar up?

- Hey, dude!
- Hey, man.


What's happenin', homes?

If we win a basketball
trophy, put it down there.

- We want ours to be all alone.
- Man, look at...

- Who's the dick with ears?
- Oh, yeah, man. It's that wimp ass Miller guy.

- I don't get it.
- It must be for charity.

I think that's
Ronald Miller.

No way!

It must be a... transfer.

Wrong, and I think
I'm puking.

Hi, Pats, Barb.

- Um, you all know Ronnie.
- Yeah, I think.

Didn't you, like,
used to mow our lawn?

Yes, and you have the nicest
pair of rhododendrons in town.

Rhoda who?

- Dendrons.
- I'll see you guys in Home Ec.


- What did he say?
- I don't care.

Dig on his shirt.

Well, class, any interesting
experiments this summer?

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
I grew spores and fungi...

in my parents' refrigerator
this summer.

Now he's homeless.

- How come you didn't meet me in the library?
- Sorry. I forgot.

First day and all.

What's with
the weird outfit?

Um, it's a
designer original.

Yeah, how's
the new telescope?

Well, I didn't
exactly buy it yet.

A thousand dollars is a great
deal to part with, and I don't...

Mr. Miller, you seem
quite talkative this morning.

Why don't you recite the bones of
the upper appendicular skeleton?


All 64.

Oh, God, John.

You are such a pig.

- God.
- Well...

since you guys are all wimping out,
I'll get to the main issue here.

Cindy, what were you doing
with the lawn boy?

- We're friends.
- Since when?

Excuse me, Cindy.
"Friends"? Come on.

Well, what about Bobby?

Yeah, come on. We just want
some answers, all right?

Guys, why don't you
take a look at my forehead?

Do you see a sign
that says "information"?

- Ooh!
- I didn't think so.

- Girl!
- Taste, please.

Hey, come on!

I know that lunch
was part of our deal,

but I didn't think
it meant the same table.

Well, I thought it would be
a little more believable.

- Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, you did treat.
- Yes.

Aren't you in
the wrong section?

Losers are to the left.

Then I guess
you'll be making a right.

That's the asshole section.



Oh! You need a map, John?

We've only been sitting
at that table for three years.

Well, look. That wimp ass
Miller is parked in our zone.

Lighten up.
How bad could he be?

He's with Cindy. Come on.

You all know Ronnie?

Yeah, we were in, uh,
sixth grade together.

Uh, but I haven't
seen him since then.

I read in the paper that you and
Ricky will probably make all-county,

maybe even all-state
this season.

- Oh, really? You go to the game?
- Every one.

- I never seen ya there.
- I have.

You sit in the visiting
section, don't you?

- - Yeah,
he sits there to razz the other team.

- It's psychological warfare.
- Yeah!

I almost got my butt
kicked three times.

- I'll bet.
- Now that's school spirit.

- Risking your life for the team.
- Yeah.

- I guess.
- Yeah.

Guys, look at this. Ronald's over in no-man's
land, and he's still alive.

What does he think
he's doing, Kenneth?

- He must be helping them with their homework.
- Yeah.

First morning in school,
homework? Sure, Ken.

- Great.
- Oh!

God, if my blood sugar level was any
lower, I'd be a corpse.

Thanks for stopping.

No problem. I stop here
every day anyway.

- Why didn't you eat lunch?
- I don't know.

I guess I just get nervous
around those guys.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi, Cindy.
- John.

Now is your chance.
Okay, why don't you go over there...

and invite them to come
over here and join us, okay?

- Good idea.
- Okay.


- Hey, guys, come on over. The pizza's on me.
- Whoo!

All right. Whoo!

- Come on. Don't.
- Man!

- Oh, come on, you guys.
- Give me that.

Dude. Thanks, Ron.

It's okay.

Oh, come on.
F-6, okay. Got F-6.

- Hey! Different outfit, Ron.
- Thanks, Dad.

Hey, honey, how's
that new microscope?

It's a tele...

I decided to wait for
the big Columbus Day sale.

- Where ya off to?
- I'm going to a party...

at John Richman's
with Cindy Mancini.

- Cindy Mancini?
- Mm-hmm.

- Senior? Captain of the cheerleaders?
- Yes.

Most beautiful girl in the
history of this county.

Mm-hmm. That's her.
Well, I'm late. I gotta bolt.

"Bolt"? Something
stinks in suburbia.

- Hey. - ♪ Secret agent
man Secret agent man ♪

Who is it?

- Oh, Ronald?
- Yes, ma'am.

Um, did I... Did I forget
to pay you last week?

Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm here to pick up Cindy.

- Cindy?
- Yes, ma'am. Your daughter.


- Here she is.
- Uh-huh. Bye.

Cindy, I didn't get a chance
to say good-bye to your mother.

She'll get over it.

Is something the matter?

Yes, there's
something the matter!

Ronald, I'm usually picked up in some
sort of mechanized transportation.

I'm sorry. It's just... It's a nice night, Cindy.
It's only a few blocks.

I am not going
on a nature walk.

I can't believe I let you
negotiate a Saturday night.

I mean, what?
We had lunch all week together.

I stood near you in the hall.
I even took you out for pizza!

And I waved to you
at the game yesterday.

I mean, Saturday night
was not part of our deal.

Bobby hasn't called?

I don't think that's
any of your business.

Cindy, here Bobby was
a big-time football star.

But there he's just a freshman
tryin' to make it.

I'm sure he's
thinking about you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? Hey, I'm the one
that forgot my dad's car.

It's just that I haven't had that many
dates in the last 16, say, 17 years.

So what do you think
of this suit, huh? Elegant?


What's a two-word phrase
for late and inconsiderate?

Oh, oh, oh! I got it.
Uh, Ronald Miller.

Hysterical. He'll be here.

Yeah, he's probably havin'
a late lunch with Cindy.

The least he could have done
is drop off the dip and chips.

The cold brew is
just not the same.

So what's the real reason
why they call you Big John?

Well, how about I show you?

- Hey, great game, Big John.
- Oh, thanks.

- Hey.
- So...

Um, you brought Cindy here?

No... Yes... Well, we came from
her house together, so, yeah.

- Well, hey, anyway, think you can handle a brew?
- Sure, you got an A&W?

No, you're
a funny guy, though.

♪ 'Cause you're not to blame
'cause you're not the same ♪

- You okay?
- Dude, I got to let it go, man.

I mean, bad.
Oh, but there's no need for panic,

because John Richman is a
socially responsible human being.

Hi, Cindy.


- Hi.
- People are starting to buy this.

I mean, he went from
totally geek to totally chic.


What do you think?

Ronnie, do you want me to give
you a ride home after school?

- Yes, please. Thank you.
- Okay, I'll see you then.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- How was your weekend?
- It was great. How was yours?

Well, uh, Friday, uh...

I nearly got my face rearranged by a
visiting fan trying to save ya a seat.

And Saturday,
you stood us up for cards.

And, hey, Sunday, never
returned any of my calls.

- Damn. I'm sorry.
- Yeah? For which one?

I said I'm sorry.
Can we please terminate this?


Hey, hey, Kenneth.
Kenneth, Kenneth, Kenneth!

Let's do somethin' this
weekend, just me and you.

Okay, Friday night.

- I can't.
- Saturday.

Well, I was thinkin'
more like Sunday afternoon.

Great. I'll call you
for an appointment.

Oh, great. All right.
I'll see you Sunday.

Yo, gentlemen. Hey!
How's it goin'?

You know, when I offered you a ride home,
it wasn't to get you to wash my car.

- I don't mind. Actually, I kind of like it.
- You're a hard worker.

Work's not really my thing.

Cheerleading's hard work.
You do it well.

I guess. But what I mean is
that I don't do much else...

except for shop and hangout.

You can do anything you want.

Anything you put your heart
and your mind into.

I believe that.

Um, I'll be right back. Do you want
anything from the kitchen or anything?

- No, thanks.
- Okay.

- Here.
- Here.

"Someday my wish is for him
to hold me in his arms...

"in a sea of deep blue.

Together at last,
together as two."

Oh, that's beautiful.

- I didn't know you were a poet.
- No one knows.

Even Bobby?

Thank you for
trusting me with these.

Let's just keep it
between us, okay?

For life or longer? Promise?

Promise. But you should be proud of it.
You're talented.

And you're drenched.


- You really like this?
- Yeah, I do, but you're missing one big essential.

- You're sure?
- Yeah!

What am I missing?

I'd like
to see those, please.

Aw! Very cool.

- How much are they?
- Don't worry about it. They're on me.

Come on.

I'm starting
to get nervous now.

- Okay. Bye, Cindy.
- Bye-bye.

Good to see you, honey.

I can't believe you won't
tell me where we're going.

- What are we doing? Horseback riding?
- Mm-mm.

- A picnic?
- Nope.

Since it's our last official date,
I thought we could check out one of my favorite places.

- Well, what's in the box?
- You'll find out.

- Okay.
- Trust me! It'll be fun.

Aah! Aah!

Okay, let me guess.
Are we out of gas?

Come on, Ronald.
I thought we outlawed this kind of stuff.

Follow me.

Wait a second. You're nuts.

I mean, I don't usually
scale walls on dates.

- You can do it.
- Of course, I can do it.


I've heard about this place.

The airplane junkyard.


This is the real history.

Not the stuff
we memorize in books.

- Are these real bullet holes right here?
- Yep!

Follow me.

The Navy found this one last
year off the coast of Japan.

They did a
corrosion study on it.

After 40 years at the
bottom of the ocean...

this is all that rusted.

Our grandparents sure knew
how to make things that last.

How do you know
all this stuff?

Well, the pilot
who ditched it in 1944?

He came back a few weeks ago
to take a look at this.

He stood here and looked
at this thing the whole day.

God. There are
mountains up there.

And valleys,
canyons and plains.

What's that thing, um,
up there that looks like a star sapphire?

- What's that?
- Tycho.

An asteroid crashed there
and broke the moon.

- Broke the moon?
- Yeah.

It made a crack in the moon a hundred
times the size of the Grand Canyon.

On the right is
the Sea of Tranquility.

The first spaceship from Earth
landed there the day I was born.

That's why you're
so into astrology, right?



It's just... up there...

is our future world.

By the time I'm my dad's age,

people will be living there
and working.

Maybe even us.

The moon.
It looks different now.

It's not as mysterious
or romantic.

I'm sorry
I ruined it for you.

You didn't ruin it.
You just changed it, I guess.

Um, there's something really
important we need to discuss.

I was wondering
when you'd bring this up.

I'm new at all this.
I'm gonna have to rely on your experience.

Well, let's just
do it naturally.

You know?
With no planning.

How do we do it?
Our official breaking-up tomorrow?


Right. That's exactly what I
was thinking about. The breakup.

Us ending our
fake relationship.

I mean, I don't even know
whoever believed it.

Us going out?
You, me? Yeah, right.

Yeah, it does seem
kind of unrealistic.

Okay, so,
how shall we do it?

Stage a big fight?
A lovers' quarrel?

No, we don't have
anything to fight about.

Oh, that's okay. We can make something up.
Let's see. What do people fight about?

Well, we wouldn't want
to damage your reputation.

- Reputation?
- I think a small, dignified ceremony...

- is probably the best way...
- Me?

- To end it.
- With a reputation. Whoo! Yeah!

I can't believe this.
A reputation.

Thank you, Cindy.
Have a good night now.


♪ I got a reputation, baby

Oh, I'm gonna be late.

So how do you do it?

Yeah. There you go.

Oh, I'm gonna be late.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Um, I did a little thinking about last night,
- Mm-hmm.

And I think that now is the time
that we had our little talk.

- About what?
- Us. You know, me.


Okay, great.

Well, um, I did
a little thinking, too!

No, actually!
I did quite a bit of thinking!

- And I decided that you're breaking me.
- What?

Broke. Bankrupt. Chapter 11.

are you talking about?

This. I'm dry.

Hey, I can't keep up with you.
I'm not a bank.

- They love it.
- Would you stop it, please?

- This isn't dignified.
- Dignified?


For one month you draped all over
me like a cheap fucking suit!

- Now I'm not dignified?
- This is not necessary.

Would you show
some maturity?

Like your precious Bobby?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Well, if I was as mature as him,

I probably wouldn't
have called you either.

I'm tired of you
comparing me to Bobby,

and, in fact,
I'm tired of you.



Poor Cindy. It's awful the
way Ronnie annihilated her.

I know. I mean,
I don't know what she ever saw in him.

He's such a...
Such a heartbreaker.

Yeah. That's it.

The Ronster, man.
You're one badass dude. Hey, listen.

You don't mind if I try to get tired of Cindy
now that you're finished with her, do you?

- No.
- Loved it, baby.

All right.

That was a great act
this morning.

That slap was so real.
We are talking Oscar nomination.

Mmm. Yeah, well...

We gave 'em a good show.

The audience loved it.

Oh, what an excellent
four weeks.

Your friends really took
to me, all because of you.

Ronnie, it was like a job.

I mean, you bailed me,
and I pretended to like you.

- And I was only honoring our rental contract.
- Yeah, well, it worked.

Geez. Popularity sure beats being
treated like a social leper.

Let me tell ya.

Popularity isn't perfect.

I mean, it almost
feels like a job sometimes.

Do you remember that
suede outfit that I wore?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, that was me trying to impress people.

I have to work at it.
So does everybody else.


It's to keep your poetry in.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.


whatever happens with the
popularity thing, you know...

stay yourself.

Don't change
to please them.

Me change? Tsk. Never.

That's right.
I'm here! Ha, ha!

Feelin' good. Hey, babies.
How ya doin', man? Good to see ya...

- Oh, Ronnie!
- Oh, ladies, you look beautiful.

That's all right. Mom, Dad,
send money, please. I'm broke.

Hey, man, good to see ya.
Good to see ya. Good to see ya.

- All I'm asking for is one date.
- No!

Oh, ladies, you're
lookin' fine this A.M.

Thanks, Ronnie.
Lookin' rather tasty yourself.

- Ooh.
- I love your hair.

It's so... so saturated.

- It's nothin' major, just a little mousse.
- Yeah, 42 gallons.

- You're taking me to Scoops Saturday night.
- Saturday night?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I believe I have that evening liberated.

- Wonderful.
- I hope so.

Ronnie, this is gonna be tougher than I thought.
I'm gonna need your advice.

- Barbara, I was gonna ask him out!
- Relax, Pats.

- It's only October.
- Yeah, right!

Wait for me!

How about some tunes?

Your dad sell
aluminum siding?

No, he's the president
of Tic Tac Tiles. Why?

This car sort of reminds
me of my granddad's.

♪ Hmm.

So how come
you asked me out?

You went out with Cindy.
She is Cindy Mancini.

You can't
argue with that logic.

Come on, Cathy.
Let's take it back to my place.

Hey, look, there's Ronald
in his dad's Chrysler.

Good evening, gentlemen.

I... I love station wagons.

You may like it, but once
the Cools see that car...

- they're gonna remember who he is.
- Yeah!

This is an interesting mode of transport.
Sort of, uh, antiquated, like.

Yeah, I call it
my, um, undercover car.

Oh, you snake. Don't be shifty with the boys.
This car's perfect.

Complete with plush blanket.
That's strategy, my man. All right.

- What'd ya say?
- This ain't just a car, man.

This is an unleaded
love machine.

Yeah, unleaded.

Bet you could make some, uh,
sweet sweat back there, huh, Barb?

Hey, no complaints outta me.

Yeah, those jocks sure have
great taste in cars, huh?

- Shut up, Lester.
- You shut up.

I just don't get it.

- I propose we look for a new fourth.
- Guess so.

Uh-oh. I know that look.

- Oh!
- Okay, now, hold your fire.

Big John, nobody's
into toxic waste.

Right there.



You guys are so
into bodily functions!

I mean, it's not like
that takes any skill.

Oh, I don't know.
For him, it's like an art form.

- Oh, that's a real pleasant thought, Ronnie.
- Oh, come on. We're guys.

Oh, yo, Pats, keep an eye on my guy.
I gotta hit the little girl's room.

All right. Hurry up.


- Guess what.
- What?

You're taking me to the
Columbus Day Dance on the 16th.

- I am?
- Yep.

Well, what about Barbara?
I thought she was your best friend.

Well, she is.
But, I mean, you know.

Friends share their stuff with friends.
You know what I mean?

Sure, friend. No problem.

I bet you're
a really sexy dancer.

Oh, yes, you won that wager.
I have moves that defy the laws of gravity.

Ooh, I'll bet you do.

I'll see you later, okay?



Moves. Shit.

So... how was he?

Hmph. Wouldn't you
like to know?

Don't worry. I will.

I bet
you're a really sexy dancer.

Oh, come on. Watch this.
I bet he'll kick him.

- One.
- Mm-hmm.

Chuck? Chuck, I need
the TV for a few minutes.


Oh, Chuck, I just need to see
the end of American Bandstand.


Please, Chuck,
I'm beggin' ya.

What we have here is
something I just learned

called the law
of supply and demand.

I shall supply you this remote control,
but I'm going to demand, say, uh, two bucks.

Wrong! That is not how
the economic theory works.

Look, I learned it in seventh
grade, not Harvard.

Okay, let me give you
the theory of relativity.

Either you put on Bandstan now,
or I have one less relative.

I'll put on Bandstand
just for you.

My famous gourmet pop...

First screen shaves...

Spotlight dance.
Ultra New Wave music.

He's watchin'
American Bandstand.

I'm talkin' cheerleaders,
football players, local socialites.

He's not even associating
with Kenneth anymore.

Come on, Chuckie. I think it's
groovy that he's makin' new friends.

- He's allowed to have fun.
- He is?

- And, besides, I was talkin' to Ma, Dad.
- Oh, honey.

It's like the dude's
not weird anymore.

Now that ain't Dick Clark.

We thank our two exchange
students from Lower Swahili,

Charles Kibangi and Sandy Ubuki,
for recreating the African anteater ritual...

here on PBS
African Cultural Hour.

African Cultural Hour?


♪ Though she's trading favors When
she tells me I believe her now ♪

Wow. Let me see
you really quick.

♪ Mm-hmm

- Hey, let's go dance!
- In a minute, babe.

- You know, I don't quite feel it yet with this tune.
- That's cool. All right.

- ♪ Oh, but she's an actress
- ♪ Actress

♪ And I don't believe her
No ♪

- ♪ But she's an actress
- ♪ Actress

- ♪ I don't believe her
- ♪ Believe her

♪ Believe her
Believe her ♪

Here you go. Thanks.

That's a buck apiece, guys.

Kenneth, this is your big idea.
Why don't you pay for this?


Come on, you guys.

♪ Oh, baby

♪ You know just what to do

So do you work as hard
off the field as you do on?

Well, uh, I did letter
in three indoor sports.

What a wonderful group of
young adults we have this year.

But I better
check the bathrooms.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Hello, Ronald.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Webbly.

- Let's mingle.
- Look, it's the nerd herd.


Ronnie, you're
becoming a punchaholic.

Come on. Let's get out there and dance.
I mean, this is a dance.

It's what we're here to
do, right, is dance?

Come on, please.
Let's get out there and boogie.

- Let's dance!
- Wait for me!

All right!

♪ Eyes with mystery
A lonely girl so alone ♪


♪ I've been living
all my life ♪

♪ To meet a girl like you

♪ I could touch you
really nice ♪

♪ While the fire
came in the room ♪

♪ All night, all night

- What a spaz.
- Oh, he must be in Special Ed.

♪ All night, all night

♪ Baby loves it all night

♪ Angel in the light

♪ Dancin' right beside me

That's bizarre.

But if the Ronster's doin' it,
it must be new.

♪ So strong

♪ I've been waiting all
my life ♪

♪ Wanting a girl like you

♪ I could touch you
many nights ♪

♪ While fire surrounds
the moon ♪

♪ All night, all night

♪ Baby loves it all night

Try it!

♪ All night, all night

♪ Baby loves it all night

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ohh

Hey! Yo!





♪ While fire surrounds
the moon ♪

- Hey!
- It's the African anteater ritual!

All right!

- Oh, I had a great time.
- Out of sight.

Hey, that dance was
pretty severe there.

Yeah, where'd you
get those hot moves?

- I have friends in exotic places.
- Oh, yeah, like where?

- I'll be right back.
- Rio?

- Paris?
- No, really exotic. Beautiful downtown Burbank.

- Cind, babe!
- Here you go.

Look, the name is Cindy,
and don't call me babe.

- Just wanted to say hello.
- Then just say it!

Why don't you get tranquil?
I was just tryin' to be friendly.

Why don't you be friendly
with your flock, okay?

- I owe all my friends to you.
- Ha! Like I really want credit for this.

I mean, your disciples are
making fools of themselves.

I mean, I've seen zombies
with more individuality.

Yeah, like your college boy.
What's his name? Biff?

Don't give me that.
His name happens to be Brent.

There's a difference?

♪ Take your lover
by the hand ♪

♪ Speak in tongues
and understand ♪

♪ Ahhh

Alone at last.

♪ French kissin'
in the U.S.A. ♪

- Hi, friend.
- Hi.

You're awfully far away.

I'm sorry.

So, tell me...

Are, um... Are you into
long-distance relationships?

- No.
- No?

Then why don't you reach out
and touch someone?


I happen to know
that in the whole school...

there's only one other tittie
quite this pretty.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

And this is it.

Yep! That's it.

I bet you've never
seen two like these before.

Well, my parents
do have cable.

- Oh, they do, do they?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mmm. Don't you want to touch me?
- Oh!

Oh! Wow!
I can't believe this.

Oh, God!

Seventeen years,
three months and five days.

That's a long time to wait for some tit.

- - Without an atmosphere...

the Earth would be
a far different place.

It might look like the moon.

Our exploration of the moon showed us
that it is nearly a dead planet today.

But it provided one very
important piece of information.

I haven't seen or heard
from you in three weeks.

I'm not a mutant, Ron.
I realize I may be obsolete...

in your new world,
but I'm not dead.

We know now that the moon, as well as all
the other bodies in the solar system...

were heavily bombarded
in their first billion years.

- Then about three-and-a-half
billion years ago... -

This bombardment slowed to a bare
trickle as most of the solid chunk...

You got it there, son?

Whoa, oh, oh, Ronald!
No mischief tonight.

Now the police are really
crackin' down this year.

Oh, Dad, come on.
Have a little faith.

See ya.

- All right, we set up there?
- Yep.

Check it out.
We got spoilt tomatoes...

- Yeah.
- rotten eggs and the piece de resistance.

- The shitbomb!
- Ha! Human feces?

No, doggy doo. But it's just as
efficient, bro. Here, sniff.

- Ah, sniff this... God!
- Hey, Ronnie.

- Here you go.
- Whose house are we doin'?

Ah, dig, classic, man.

We have done the same house
four years in a row.

- It's like tradition now, huh, Ricky?
- You know it!

And yours, son, is
the most important mission.

Drop that net on any punk
that gets near our front door.

I'm gonna personally deliver
one of them to the police.

Yes, sir!

So I was telling you, you know,
this guy is, like, totally rad.

Excuse me. Ronnie said that you
said that friends share, Patty.

- You've had him two weeks...
- You mean, she's attacked him for two weeks.

Whoa, wait a minute!
First of all, if I recall correctly...

you still have Bobby.

Secondly, you quit Ronnie,
so that makes him public property.

You guys, that's real romantic.
I mean, he sounds like a restroom.

First of all,
I don't have Bobby.

And secondly, I didn't think
that my best friends...

would be draped all over him
like a cheap...

Why not, Cin?
He's cute, sweet.


Oh, come on, you guys.
A lady never talks.

Yeah, next time I see one,
I'll remember that.



Shh! Shh!

- You're sick!
- There's the target.

All right.

Oh, shit. Y-You know...
I know a better house.

- It's not very far from here. It's right down this street.
- Our senior year.

Our last mission.

The final shitbomb.

- It's tradition and shit. Let's go!
- Go on!

Listen up. We divert 'em on each
flank, and you shitbomb the front door.

- No! I won't do it!
- I told you he wouldn't do it!

- You're still a nerd, huh?
- Give me the shit!

- No! I'll do it.
- Come on!

I don't want to do this!

Do it now!

- Come on, Ronnie!
- Throw it, Ronnie!

- Throw it!
- Come on. Throw it!

- Come on!
- Shit.

- Yeah! Bull's-eye!
- Whoo-hoo!

- I got one!
- I'm comin'!

- No, you're not!
- Keep him pinned down!

- - Come on, Big John!
Keep him down!

Ronnie, let's go! Come on!

Get the hell out of there!

- Come on, John!
- Yeahhh! Let's get outta here, man!

You hold the little bastard!

Come on. Let's go! Whoo-hoo!

There must've been
a hole in the net.

We'll get 'em next year.

I don't think he'll be back.

This is a
fine-looking bird, Judy.

This is what got me
an "A" in French class.


- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Let's see yours, sibling.

Ahh... I didn't
get mine yet.

You're the only one from kindergarten
through college who didn't.

- You didn't get yours yet?
- Let me repeat!

- I did not get mine yet!
- Relax.

There's no reason
to raise your voice.

Back to nursery school.

Look, these are my friends, okay?

Say hello to your friends when you get
me a chocolate milkshake, extra thick.

- What?
- Read my lips.

Chocolate milkshake,
extra thick.

Two C's, three B's
and one "A."

Outstanding, son!

Major improvement, Chuckie.

Oh, yeah. Big deal.
Three B's and two C's?

I've been getting
straight A's since birth.

- So?
- So!

So everybody doubts the whereabouts
of my report card. That's real fair.

Nobody doubts you.
You said you didn't get it yet.

And I didn't!

- It's just parental concern.
- See, here is the primate example.

You're raising a doll-chopping homicidal maniac,
and what do you do every time you see him?

You give him money.


- Chilling!
- Shut up, Chuck.

- I was talkin' to Ma, Dad.
- Shut up, Chuck!

Here's your shake.

I said thick!
This isn't thick!

Oh, well, let me check
the consistency.

Looks thick to me.


What are you doing home?

I thought you had
a date with Rock.

Well... I figured I had
enough turkey for one day.

- Me too.
- Tsk.

There's a good movie
on TV.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- All right, let's make it a date.
- Oh, sweetheart.

- I love you.
- I love you too, Mom.

Hey, Kenneth!

Let me explain.
I took it long enough.

Will you talk to me?
Damn it!

Well, have it your way,
psycho, but you ain't invited.

Invited to what, man?
What are you talking about?

- My house. New Year's Day?
- A party, man?

Bowl games, salami,
cheesecake... Yeah!

If I can recover from my
party, book me a couch.

- You got it!
- Book me a bed.

We have a lot of fun.

- Somebody wants your ass bad, man.
- Who is it?

Get it!

Hey. Hi.

- Long time no talk, huh?
- Yeah, I been kind of busy.

Yeah, well, that's popularity.
It's real time-consuming.

Um... I was thinking that maybe sometime you
and I could go to the airplane graveyard?

You're not under any contractual
obligation to me anymore.

I wrote a new poem.
It's called "Broken Moon."

- Um, it starts...
- Why don't you save it for your college boy?

I wrote it for you.

You ignored the Donald
Miller dork for 17 years.

Now you wanna ride
on the Ronnie Miller express.

I don't wanna ride
the Ronnie Miller anything.

Looks like you're
the only one.

Who? Iris?

Oh, yeah, she's a big conquest.
She's given more rides than Greyhound.

Well, at least her ticket
won't cost me a thousand bucks.


- Hi, Ronnie.
- Excuse me.

- Happy New Year, pal.

Happy New Year, man.
Have a beer.

- Clark County!
- Big John!

Quinton is in!
Let the fun begin!

God, you're an asshole, man.

- Hey, powerful punch, Barbs.
- I haven't poured the punch in yet.

- Cindy, that's straight vodka.
- All right.

- Great outfit.
- I asked my mom if I could use it and she said yes.

- Ah, progressive concept.
- We make a great couple: me and my outfit.

Oh. Sorry Bobby couldn't
come home for the holidays.

You must really miss him.

I've learned to appreciate
the finer things in life.

I even travel
with my own wine.

You never know the quality
you may encounter at a soiree.

Very classy.

Mm-hmm. I'm into class.
It's my new thing.

Oh, whoops. Sorry.

So sorry. So dumb.
I'm so wasted.

Oh... I am so wasted.
Lie down. Just for a second.

- - Hey,
we're closed for the holidays!

- God. Hey, take it easy, guys.
- Close it, please!


Oh, Ronnie,
I'm so happy...

I'm going out with
the hottest guy in school.

- Oh, I am hot.
- Face it, Ronnie. You're it right now.

Oh... I'm it,
and that's why you're with me.


No. You won't respect me.

I respect you. Immensely.

And intensely.

- You do?
- I do.

"This summer,
my wish is for you to hold me..."

"in your arms..."

"in a sea of deep blue..."

"together at last,

- "as two."
- Oh, Ronnie.

- Damn, Bobby, what are you doin' here?
- It's New Year's.

♪ From the walls of Tokyo I've
come to London town to go ♪

So, Ricky and John tell me you're
a connoisseur of fine wines.

No shit? Are you new here?

I just transferred.


Thanks, man.
I owe you one.

♪ And I'm dancin'
with myself... oh, oh ♪

Hey, you guys! It's 11:27.

- 33 more minutes!
- Whoo! Yeah!

Ronnie! Iris!
Come here. Have a brew.

♪ Dancin' with myself...
Oh, oh ♪

To true friends...
And a wild lady.

- The only way to fly.
- I'll drink to that.

♪ But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by ♪

Check it out, Bobby.

♪ So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think ♪

- The man. The mick. What's happenin'?
- Quinton.

Who's Iris' latest victim?

Oh, you got it backwards, Bobby.
He's victimizing her.

♪ Dancin' with myself

- Ronnie Miller's nailed every wench in school.
- Ronald Miller?

He couldn't get nailed
in wood shop.

Well, the man has reached
legendary status this year, bro.

You ain't a legend 'til you score
the captain of the cheerleaders.

♪ Ooohhhh... Ooowwww

Come on. I don't buy it.


Hey, no freakin' way!

Come on, Quint!
Don't even think of holdin' out on me...

or I'll kill you.

♪ Well, I looked
all over the world ♪

♪ And there's every
type of girl ♪


♪ Leave me dancin' with myself
So let's sink another drink ♪

Hi! How are you?

♪ 'Cause it'll give me time
to think If I had a chance... ♪

- John. John.
- Go get 'im.

Cindy and Bobby's relationship
is so totally together.

He's a lawn boy.
He makes 35 cents an hour.

Listen up, dude.
The shit's gonna hit the fan.

- Listen!
- I'm not gonna put up with it!

- We were faking, okay?
- Bullshit!

No, it was an act.
Bobby, he paid me!

Then that makes you
a prostitute!

♪ Oh, oh, oh-ohh

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh-ohh
- You!

♪ Oh, oh, oh-ohh
Dancin' with myself ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-ohh Oh,
my room's all wet with my sweat... ♪


Even Bobby thinks we went out.
Great, huh? Ha!

All of you thought we were a couple.
What a joke!

Ronald Miller paid me 1,000
bucks to pretend I liked him.

What a deal, huh?

$1,000 to go out with him
for a month. This guy.

Oh, God. He bought me.

And he bought all of you.

He was sick and tired
of being a nobody.

Yeah, and he said that all of you
guys would worship him if we went out.

And I didn't believe that.
I was, like, no way!

And he was right!
No, leave me alone.

He was right. Our little plan
worked, didn't it, Ronald?

The dance.
That stupid dance!

What a bunch of followers
you guys are.

I mean, at least I got...

At least I got paid.

Come on.

Ricky? John?

Get out of my house.

Uh... Yeah. We'll clear
everything up tomorrow.

Everything is cool, really.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Good night now.
Excuse me.

You ready to go?

- Um... I don't know you.
- You sure knew me earlier.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Happy New Year.

Hey, it could be worse.
We could be alone like that poor guy.

All right.

Ronald Miller...
Ugh! So, anyways...

Damn, bro.
He's in Siberia.

I know, man. The mutants over
there won't even go near him.

You know, I knew he was
scamming us all along.

He went from, like,
totally chic to totally geek.

Look at that.
He's been banished!

He should have known that our
kind won't mix with their kind...

Our kind? Their kind?
That's B.S.

He may be a moral leper now,
but he had the fast lane for four months.

Yeah, that's a good point.
$250 a month for those cheerleaders...

- isn't an unwise investment.
- Yeah?

Check this out, guys.
You're gonna love this.


- Direct hit.
- Yow!

Didn't you take economics?
You could've had me for $49.95.


It's the nerd-mobile.

Yeah, right...
On automatic pilot.

Like we're not supposed
to know who's spying on us...

in the spaz-mobile.

I could've sworn that
a couple of girls I knew

got very comfortable
in that spaz-mobile.

Okay, this is my high score.

Dave, you can beat me!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You could at least
acknowledge my existence.

You think this is
easy for me?

I know I was an asshole
to you and to thousands of others.

But, Kenneth... Kenneth,
it's you I gotta straighten this out with.


- You shit on my house, man!
- I know.


- Kenneth...
- You shit on my house!

You shit on my house.

I know, Kenneth.

I know.

The quiz will cover every muscle
from the levator scapula...

to the spinalis thoracis.

It will consist of 15 multiple
choices and five mini-essays.

T... U... C...

- S... O... N.
- Your score will then account...

- T... U... C... S... O... N.
- For 20% of your final grade.

Good luck.

Hi, Cindy.

I'm sorry about having
to come in here.

But I have to talk to you.

I realize what
a jerk I became.

All I ever did
was think about you,

dream about being
part of your life.

And then I got
that stupid idea.

And I let it turn me
into something I'm not.

You sure did, sicko pervert!
I remember you from the dance.

- You morally depraved psycho!
- Ow!

Detention... one month!

Becky, will you please
hand me that other one?


- You nuked my brother.
- What?

You took him from geek status
to king status to no status.

Chuckie Miller, right?

He's resorted to sending
his messenger boy?

Boy? I see no boy here!

You think you shut me up?

I didn't? Well,
let me try again.

The babe said it was good
for my complexion.



There's a call for you on my line.
Somebody named Donald.

I don't know anybody
named Donald.

- Tell him I'm out of the country or something.
- Okay.

I know she's in the country,
Mrs. Mancini. I saw her today.

Well, my daughter
doesn't know anyone named...

Ronald, is that you?

Why did you say
your name was Donald?

Uh... I guess I made
a mistake. Bye-bye.

Mom, what'd he say?

First, he's a geek.

And then you start going out with him.
And then he's a geek again.

Honey, I don't know
what a geek is.

I guess, at the present time,
a geek is Ronald Miller.

Who says? Hmm?

Oh, my God!


Would you stop it?

Stop it!
The neighbors, man!

Listen, all right?
Hold on! Just turn it off!

My mother was calling the police,
until I told her you had a chemical imbalance...

and you are seeking
psychiatric help!

- I need to talk to you.
- Fine.

Every time I called, you were either
taking a bath, washing your hair.

Or you were out of the country.
That was a good one, by the way.

I tried to get you alone at school,
but I got a month's detention.

Yeah, you're very big
in bathrooms, aren't you?

Cindy, just hear me out.
And then I'll leave you alone. Okay?

Oh! You t... You demolished me
New Year's Eve.

But see... I realize
you did me a favor.

You brought me
back to reality.

All I ever wanted to do
was get close to you.

And then, when I finally got
there, it wasn't me anymore.

Cindy... Oh, Cindy.

I was just hoping we could
sort this out, you know?

The real me and the real you.
That's all.


- But not at 6:00 in the morning.
- Okay.

I'll come back at 11:00.

I'll be washing my hair...
Out of the country.

That's my favorite one.

Tell your mom I'm sorry.

Is that right?

- Good job.
- Really? Oh, my God!

- What's happening, guys?
- Hey, nerd alert, man. He's in our quadrant, too.

Kenneth Wurman with Patty?
No way!

Thanks so much! I swear, I don't know what
I would have done without you. Really.

No problem. J-Just, uh,
take your time and follow the steps.


Kenneth Worm-man is trying to pull
a Ronald McDonald Miller scam on us.

- He's probably trying to pay her off.
- Relax, man. He's harmless.

I'm sending him back
to the minor leagues.

- Be cool, man.
- Hey, calm down.

Oh, man. He's gonna make
a fool of himself.

Hey, what do you think you're
doing over here, twimp?

H-Helping her
with some math.

- No, bullshit. You're trying to pull a Ronald Miller scam.
- A what?

You better get back
to your own side,

or I'm gonna send you back to
Geeksville in a milk carton!

Would you guys
do something?

- Oh, return of the living dread.
- Why don't you lay off?

- Why don't you go back where you belong, hosehead?
- Take your hands off Kenneth.

Or I'll break your arm.
Your pitching arm!

Oh yeah? Well, don't
make me laugh, lawn boy.

Let go.


You broke your arm
once before, remember?

You fell out of our tree house.
Kenneth picked you up...

- and we carried you 12 blocks to the hospital.
- Yeah, you cried all the way.

We were all friends then,

And now you want
to end his life...

because he's talking to Patty
on your side of the cafeteria.

Oh, man, that's stupid.
I know, 'cause that's where I wanted to be.

On your side, with your crowd.
But I messed up.

See, I tried
to buy my way in.

But Kenneth... he's not
trying to buy anybody.

He's just trying to make friends.
Being himself.

Cools, nerds,
your side, my side.

Man, it's all bullshit.
It's just tough enough to be yourself.

It's all right.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

This should cover it.

I saw a crack
in the moon last night.

Yeah, me too.

You ready?

Come on. Let's go.

- I gotta go, okay?
- Yeah.

- See ya.
- Bye-bye.

Hi, Ronnie.

- All right! Take a chance!
- Whoo-hoo!



- Go for it!
- Donald!

- Let's go.
- Yeah. Now, hang on.


Okay, let's get this deal
straight one last time.

Now, you can have Saturday nights,
but only if you ask me in advance.

Okay, I'm asking you in advance:
Will you go to the prom with me?

Not if you do
that stupid dance.

- Okay, how about kissing?
- Yeah, it's important.

- Oh, it's a must.
- Definitely.

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ I'll buy you a diamond ring
my friend ♪

♪ If it makes you
feel all right ♪

♪ I'll get you anything
my friend ♪

♪ If it makes you
feel all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ I'll give you all
I've got to give ♪

♪ If you say
you'll love me too ♪

♪ I may not have
a lot to give ♪

♪ But what I got
I'll give to you ♪

♪ I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Everybody tells me so

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ No, no, no... no

♪ Say you don't need
no diamond rings ♪

♪ And I'll be satisfied

♪ Tell me that you want
the kind of things ♪

♪ That money just can't buy

♪ I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ Owwww

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Everybody tells me so

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ No, no, no... no

♪ Say you don't need
no diamond rings ♪

♪ And I'll be satisfied

♪ Tell me that you want
the kind of things ♪

♪ That money just can't buy

♪ I don't care
too much for money ♪

♪ Money can't buy me love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Love

♪ Can't buy me love

♪ Ohh