Cannonball Run II (1984) - full transcript

For one thousand centuries...

the Falafel family has ruled
the deserts with one thing:

Speed!

We have the fastest camels
and the fastest horses!

Now, due to...

you know what...

we have the fastest planes...

the fastest boats
and the fastest cars!

Except for one: yours!

Last year I sent you
to America for one simple task.

So simple.



To emblazon the Falafel name
as the fastest in the world

by winning the Cannonball Run.

And you... failed!

-A thousand thanks!
-But Lion of the deserts...

King of Kings...

-Pop!
-No excuses, you son of my ugliest wife!

A thousand thanks!

How come you have a blond,
blue-eyed slave, hm?

He's an actor.
Hasn't had a series in seven years.

Nine!

-Two thousand thanks!
-I know I didn't win, Pop.

I was sick. My ulcer...

I order you back to America...

to win the Cannonball Run!



I give you one last chance, because...

you are my only son
with a driver's license.

-But Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.
-So?

-Buy one.
-Of course!

[HONK HONK]

Couple of wise guys behind us.

Slow down. Let's see how ballsy they are.

-[LAUGHTER]
-Wow! That's a couple of great-looking chicks!

-So much for boredom!
-Let's nail 'em! [LAUGHING]

♪ Ball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ It's not what you do ♪

♪ It's how you do it ♪

♪ Be anything
you wanna be ♪

♪ It's not what you got ♪

♪ It's how you use it ♪

♪ You be you,
and I’ll be me ♪

♪ It's just a matter
of style ♪

♪ You can't fake it ♪

♪ Mile after mile
feelin' free ♪

♪ If you got the soul ♪

♪ You can make it ♪

♪ Move 'em out ♪
♪ Move 'em out ♪

♪ Let 'em roll ♪
♪ Let 'em roll ♪

♪ From sea to shinin' sea ♪

♪ Sea to shining sea ♪

♪ Ball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

-Wise broads.
-They can't outrun the radio.

Charlie, you got one heading your way.

You'll see it in about three minutes.

You're three minutes are up!
Man, a couple of great-looking chicks!

Road's straight as an arrow.

I can see for five miles.
Wonder where they are?

Don't panic. Just watch
the side roads for dust.

No way they can shake us.

-You heard me. I think we lost 'em.
-How can you lose a white Lamborghini

-with two chicks in the middle of nowhere?
-What is this? A quiz? We lost 'em, okay?

Haha. I just found 'em, son.
This here's the end of the hunt.

Good luck, buddy!

George, I figure they gotta be between us.
Just pull out and block the damn' road.

You got any other bright ideas?

I'm eastbound in pursuit
of a white Lamborghini.

This is not a recording.

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ It's not what you do ♪

♪ It's how you do it ♪

♪ Be anything
you wanna be ♪

♪ It's not what you got ♪

♪ It's how you use it ♪

Hey, thanks for the hose job!

♪ You be you,
and I’ll be me ♪

♪ It's just a matter
of style ♪

♪ You can't fake it ♪

♪ Mile after mile
feelin' free ♪

♪ If you got the soul ♪

♪ You can make it ♪

♪ Move 'em out ♪
♪ Move 'em out ♪

♪ Let 'em roll ♪

If I tell you boys something, you won't
think I've been drinking, will ya?

The white Lamborghini is vanished, but there's
a red one behind me honking its horn.

Correction! It's passing me, and it's
got two great-looking chicks in it!

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Whoooooooo ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

-You know Marcie, we've got this routine down.
-Yeah, I think we're ready for the Cannonball.

Oh yeah, I think so.
How far is Redondo Beach?

-150 miles.
-Hm, an hour flat.

What are we waiting for? Let's go!

♪ Ball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Hey, now, Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Whoooooooo ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

P.A.: Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen
to the fifth annual Madera air show.

The greatest, most sensational gathering
of stunt pilots and daredevils in the US.

Displays of flying and courage
like you've never seen before...

concluding with the most
death-defying stunt of them all:

The human Bomb!
So grab your kids, grab your hats.

The festivities will begin shortly!

Are you sure this is a good idea, J.J?

A good idea?

-We're gonna get so rich. Rich!
-Rich?

We're gonna split everything 50/50
right down the middle. We're partners!

-Partners?
-You bet. We're friends, aren't we?

-Partners and friends.
-And we're gonna be rich.

-Rich partners and friends.
-That's right!

-What if something goes wrong?
-What could go wrong?

We've got the ace dive
bomber pilot from World War II.

-Dive bomber?
-Oh yeah.

He'll let you go right out of the plane...

-[TAP TAP]
-with this.

And you'll go right through that target.

-Target?
-Right through...

-and into a net, strong net...
-Net?

And if you go through the net, then you'll
land in some hay. I mean, so much hay

-you could feed all the cattle in Texas.
-What am I worried about?

-Nothing! Are you crazy?
-I'm so glad you're laughing.

He can't miss! He can't miss!
I bless you. You will not miss.

-J.J., I'm still scared. Yeah.
-You're still scared?

Well, if you're scared,
you could always have him do it.

"Him" doesn't come unless
there's grave danger to human life.

Right...

You oughta call "him".

Hello, this is Jack smith.

We've brought our cameras to record for our
30 million viewers a vintage dive bomber,

flying on a simulated attack run,
drop a human bomb.

A man encased in steel,
risking life and limb,

hurtling to the ground
at 140 miles per hour!

Now, this is a man
of such great courage

that he's destined to become
a household name.

He'll be besieged for autographs,

his picture will be on magazine
covers all over the world.

Millions of adoring women
will be at his feet.

He's bound to become
a national celebrity.

♪ Da da daaa ♪

Oh, shit...

-J.J! Long time no see!
-Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.

-Listen, I'd like to take your place in the bomb.
-Have no fear. "Him" is here.

-It'd make me very happy.
-You want it?

-Yes.
-You got it.

-Thank you. Okay.
-Suck in!

What a guy!

♪ Deutschland,
Deutschland ♪

♪ Uber alles ♪

♪ uber alles in der-- ♪

Give me a D, give me a D,
give me a D-E-U,

give me a T, give me a T,
T-S-C-H.

Yea, Deutschland!
Listen...

-You think you might like a beer?
-Hey!

-Hey! I want outta here!
-Deutschland, Deutschland...

You asked for it!

P.A.: Here he comes, folks...
Here he is...

One of the most dangerous stunts
we've ever had performed in Madera.

On his final approach... This has
to be perfect the first time around.

That's my partner.
What a team!

P.A.: The crash trucks are on their way.
We'll have word on his condition in a minute.

What a pilot! What a pilot!
Are you okay?

Oh my goodness, did you see that?
Wasn't that fantastic?

-I'm so terrifically happy...
-Oh, shut up and get me outta here!

-Did you hear the crowd? We were terrific!
-Get me out!

I can just see us on People magazine.
We're gonna be a big hit!

J.J., you seem a little shorter!

J.J., are you okay? You know something?

-I figured it out.
-Yeah?

-If we do this ten times a day...
-Yeah?

By the end of the year
we're gonna be billionaires!

-What is that?
-Oh don't worry about that.

It's the Cannonball Race.

It's on again. A million dollars' the prize.
Don't worry. We're gonna be billionaires.

-What did I say?
-You want me to do this ten times a day?

Nine?

What a grouch!

I asked you to come here
out of respect for the family.

In the past, the Cannelloni family

was the richest and most
powerful family of all the families.

We controlled drugs,
prostitution, extortion,

-prostitution, gambling...
-Eh.

You said "prostitution" twice.

Well, I like it. And now...

the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis,
the Fettucinis...

and even the Raviolis
are bigger than we are.

And why?

High interest rates?

-Acid rain?
-Japanese imports?

None of the above.

No... No... No.

You I'm not even gonna answer.

Gee boss, if I knew there was gonna
be a test I... I would have studied.

When I passed on
the powers of the Don...

to my son Don,

making him Don Don,

I had high hopes for him.

And what has he done?
He has only brought us disgrace...

and shame.

Wait a minute...

This cat is dead.

Get me a new cat.

Oh God...

The cat could have been a contender.

I should have thought...
Thank you.

[MEOW]

It's a tabby. Very nice.

[MRREOWWWW]

It's a boy.

Boys, go to Vegas.
Lean on Don.

-Don Don.
-Hm?

We're here to straighten out your affairs.

What are your assets?

Well, I'm good-natured and I dress well.
And some people think...

-What about your liabilities?
-Well, there is...

one small liability.

What?

Well... I could use a tummy tuck.

A tummy tuck? A tummy tuck?!

-I'll kill him... I'll kill him. I'll kill him.
-Calm yourself.

Don Don, do you have any
outstanding markers?

-Look in the in-box.
-Look in the in-box.

30,000... It's not too
outstanding, but it's a start.

Fenderbaum?

-Uh-huh.
-Fenderbaum...

You better call Jim
and tell him where his car is.

Me? I called last time. You call Jim.

-Well, hi there!
-Hi! Could I help you girls?

-This thing's stuck.
-Oh yeah. Yeah.

-Take a hike, Mike.
-Yeah, get lost.

-Ugh. What a jerk!
-Okay. What are we gonna do? Marcie, hey.

Hey, honey. Right here, yeah.
Come on here, baby.

Hi, sugar.

-You girls all right?
-Could be.

This is a beauty.
Doesn't sound stock.

It isn't. I took the six out
and shoe-horned in a 383 hemi.

-It's hot, baby.
-Hey, you got room for two more?

-I'm Marcie.
-Yeah, and I'm Jill.

-I'm George.
-Let's go, Georgie.

L.A. Tower to Japan cargo.
Report to hangar three.

Roger, Tower.

No luck. They want us in customs.
They'll impound your car for two days.

That means, you're gonna miss the race.
What do you want to do?

-Okay, down!
-Okay.

Change of plans. You're bailing out.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-Button up!
-Roger.

Battle stations!

[HORN HONKS]

Okay, make us invisible.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I know you're in there, Blake.
I can hear the ice cubes.

This is me, Fenderbaum.
So open up!

Blake, I know you're in there!

♪ The candy man can ♪

♪ Everybody loves somebody,
sometime... ♪

When I make a dry martini,
I make a dry martini.

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

-There's somebody at the window.
-That's just the window cleaner.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

-Honey, who is it?
-I don't know. There's nobody there.

Blake!

-Open up the window!
-I'll be back in a minute. Don't go away.

I'm gonna kill him.

-There's nothing out here.
-Blake! Down here!

I don't care what it is.
Not now!

But I gotta talk to you now.

-You gotta?
-Yes.

Do you know that I'm eighteen
stories above the ground? Eighteen!

-Eighteen?
-Yes, eighteen!

Eighteen?

You know you're the tallest
short guy I've ever seen?

Read this, will you? Just read that.
That's from the Sheik.

They're gonna start the Cannonball again.
And the sheik's putting up

$1 million to the winner. And you know
who the winner will be? $1 million!

Take it easy now.
No, don't come out.

-I'll come in.
-Blake?

-Where are you going?
-I gotta do it. It's a million dollars.

You creep!

-Where did you get the scaffold?
-Huh? I thought this was the elevator.

I see you got my telegram, Doctor.

Was that that yellow thing
with the printing on it?

-Yes.
-I got that, yes.

I read that. It's uhm...

It was... What does it say?

It said I wish to employ your services

to take care of my royal ulcer
during the Cannonball Run.

-Do you know much about ulcers?
-[GRUMBLES]

Proctology's my specialty.

I'm very probably...

the world's most famous
expert on ulcers.

I should probably give you an
examination right now. Open up there.

I sterilized it.
Before we go any further...

There's the matter of my fee.
We should discuss my fee...

It's... just about that amount.

-Hey, wait a minute. You gonna drink milk?
-Yeah.

Aren't you afraid it's gonna curdle
when it hits your liver?

My liver died last year.

-Can I help you?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Anybody around here speak Oriental?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Sure. One sake coming up.

What he said was:
"Blackjack and water"

Now!

-You got it?
-Yes Sir. Coming right up.

We'll get a nice big bottle of champagne,
and then we'll go up to my place.

Father, what are you saying?

Didn't you ever see Thornbirds?

Hey pal, I'll never get laid
in this outfit.

From now on, I'm gonna wear
nothing but open collars.

-No man can live by bread alone.
-I can. I love bread.

You know, my favorite is a
Parker House roll. It just is so nice.

And then the Russian rye. You know,
there's so many raisins in it that...

-I'm not talking about that.
-O... Okay.

-I'm talking about women. Women.
-Women?

I want a girl that's sensitive and
vulnerable. I really... I need a girl.

-Yeah! Me too.
-You?

-Sure. Hey J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know?
-Of course you're not a eunuch.

Don't put yourself down like that.

You have a striking resemblance
to a eunuch, but you...

I'm just kidding. You want a girl?
You can have one of my girls.

-I couldn't take one of your girls.
-Oh, you can.

Well, maybe just one.

To clear up my complexion.

-So tomorrow... we turn over a new leaf.
-Tomorrow. A new leaf.

-Up and clean!
-Up and clean.

And tonight... down and dirty.

-Hi J.J!
-Hi! Are you guys doing anything tonight?

-Not now.
-Ah, well.

Let's go somewhere and talk
about pistons and camshafts.

Coming, J.J!

Do we still owe Don Don $30,000?

-Did you pay him?
-No.

Well, then we still owe him $30,000!

Well, one of his collection men
came to collect it.

-Wh... wh... where?
-He's at the front door, but don't look.

I said don't look!

If he's at the front door,
we'll go out the back door,

since he can't be at two places
at one time, right?

-That's a good suggestion.
-Split city.

-We're gonna die.
-Aye.

-What are they gonna do to us?
-Don't know what they're gonna do to you,

but since Mr. T. ain't here, I'm gonna be
too busy lickin' their boots to see!

The money, or I'll blow you away!

I'll take the money.

Listen guys, why would a couple of
operators like us be in Redondo Beach

with a bunch of hayseeds in jumpsuits?

Okay, wise guys. You tell us!

We're gonna race to
Connecticut and the one that wins

-gets $1 million in cash!
-Only a moron would back up a race like that.

Ahh, Fenderboom, Blake!

Good to see you!
You should be sleeping at this hour.

Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.

Wingtips? Barbarians.

Come, come! Buy yourselves
a decent clothing store.

-Infidels!
-That's the moron.

You know, these liars
could be telling the truth.

Hymie Kaplan, what a surprise!

Oh wow! You look wonderful!

What brings you to the Pinto Ranch?
Is it business or pleasure?

-May I have a chair?
-Oh, certainly.

Oh, it's business.

I just spoke to Dad, isn't that funny?

Don. You don't mind if I
call you Don Don, do you?

No, no.

Oh good, Don Don. When your father was having
a little trouble with you in Brooklyn,

he called me and asked me for a favor.
Could he send you out here to Vegas

so that I could watch over yours.
So what do I do?

I give you a job working at the casino.
And what did you do?

You spend all your time
working on the chorus lines!

One line!

-I slept with one lousy chorus line!
-Shut up!

The second favor I do for yours:
you come to me

-and I lend you the money to start this...
-Hymie,

-the recession has hurt every small businessman.
-Oh yeah.

[FINGER-SNAP]

-What does he owe?
-As of 9:30,

the compounded 24% interest
weekly brings it to exactly

9 million, 332 thousand,
448 dollars and 55 cents.

Hymie, I'm doing the best I can!

What?! I'll kill you.

That's what's so tragic.
I'm gonna do you another big favor.

I'll give you exactly until
tomorrow to pay everything off.

-Well, it's no problem 'cause...
-Shut up.

Exactly 24 hours, Don Don.

I mean, Dumb Dumb.

I think I call you
Dumb Dumb from now on.

What do you think about that, chaps?

-It's very funny, boss!
-It ain't funny!

Now, I'll tell you
when somethin' is funny!

Mañana, Dumb Dumb.

Hymie, one question.

Oh my God!

What was the question?

It'll keep, Hymie.

-Are you sure this guy's your uncle?
-Yeah, and I told you he's your uncle too.

Listen, I told you, don't tell me,
don't explain it to me again, please.

He's my mother's brother,
who moved to California, and my mother

is your father's sister,
and you're my mother's brother's son.

-Is that our uncle?
-As... as they said, he had... er...

er... a white limo.
I ain't seen him in 20 years.

He's from your side of the family.

Uncle Cal?

Howdy, boys!
Cal's the name and cars is my game.

Got some real sweetheart
for little down and 9.9% financing.

Uncle Cal, I'm... I'm your nephew...
er... Melvin from North Carolina.

-You're my brother and sister's boy?
-And I'm your nephew Tony from Brooklyn.

What pair are you out of?

Well, it don't matter. Guess you boys
are wandering about my driver?

He sure looks a little...
er... little... er... little...

He... he's weird.

Yeah, I mean, is it easy
to get a license in this town?

Oh, he ain't got no license! Come here.

I do all the driving from here. He just
sits there and looks like he's driving.

It's a publicity gimmick.
I got a slogan:

"If a monkey can drive, so can you!"

I love this boy.
He's part of our family.

Come on, son. Ain't he cute?

Hey look. Hey, Uncle Cal.
We got a real real problem.

Hey Uncle Cal, we ain't got any
money right now. We're flat broke.

Yeah, but we need a car right away.

-What are you boys doin' out here?
-Uncle Cal, we... er... we're Ca...

-We're... we're Cannon...
-We are Cannonballers.

Stop it, boy! I told you
not to play with the phones.

Damn chimp costs me
$300 a month in wrong numbers.

Hey, stop it, you primate!
That's it! I've had it with you!

Excuse me, fellas. I've gotta
teach this old boy some manners.

Son!

Now you've stepped in it!

Boys, I got one condition on the deal.

I'm gonna give you the limo, but only if you
take this hairy son-of-a-bitch with you!

-If he's a choreographer, I'm an aviator.
-Really?

-Same old slop. Let's go to the coffee shop.
-Alright.

-See you at the matinee?
-Yeah.

If I have to sing Sound of Music
one more time, I'm gonna croak!

I'm so sick of the Crap family,
I'm gonna scream!

-Oh, it's so crowded.
-Why do we eat here at all?

-Here Sisters, take this table. We're finished.
-Oh, thank you.

Very generous and very sweet
of you. Bless you. Awfully nice of you.

I tell you, I'm sick of coffee shops,
I'm sick of the show.

-I'm sick of show business.
-Betty, look at it this way:

-It's a stepping stone to Broadway.
-I'm getting out while I'm at the bottom.

Finito, Veronica. I wanna get
married, I wanna have a big house.

I just wanna find some nice,
sweet, bozo millionaire.

You know what I'm gonna do
with my half of the million?

-Tell me.
-Alright.

I'm gonna buy my mom a great,
big, brand new house.

And I'm gonna buy my nephew a pony.

And I will get the kid a shovel,
because ponies...

-I tell you somethin'
-J.J., what are you gonna do with yours?

My money's gonna be gone,

-before I even get to the car.
-Really?

-Come on, let's go introduce ourselves.
-Are you crazy?

-Oh my God!
-For Jesus Christ!

Excuse us gentlemen, but we have
just spilled coffee all over the table.

-Would you mind, if we sat with you?
-Sit with us?

-You wanna join us?
-Oh no, don't get up.

-Sure.
-Boy-nun, boy-nun.

-Boy-nun, boy-nun?
-Thank you, Sir.

-J.J., they're gonna join us.
-Yeah.

Thank you.

-I'm Sister Veronica.
-And I'm Sister Betty.

-How do you do?
-I'm J.J. McClure and this is Victor Prinze.

-We're partners.
-Are you boys married?

No, just partners.

-Partners? Well, sweet.
-Sister Betty?

That's correct. But we're not partners,
we're sisters. Not real sisters.

-We're just in the same order together.
-So what do you gentlemen do for a living?

We race across the country.
For money.

Oh, and we're gonna have
a race today to the East Coast.

Are you racing to Broadway?

Connecticut. What order
did you say you're from?

Oh, actually it's just a...
a bunch of girls.

-Bunch of girls?
-We're affiliated together in the Order of...

-Immaculate...
-Chastity.

The Order of Immaculate Chastity.

The Order of Immaculate Chastity.
I read the Bible all the time.

In fact, I read the Bible that was
printed on the head of a pin.

That was hard.
But I never heard of the...

Well, you have to read the New Testament.
That... It's not even in the New Testament.

It's the New...

-New Wave.
-Aha!

-New... New Test... very progressive Testament.
-We'll try to catch it.

We have holy work to do. Let's go.

Okay. Well, maybe some other time.

At what time did you say your race is?

-Noon.
-At the Portofino Inn, Sister.

-Goodbye, Sister veronica.
-Come, Sister Betty.

-Nice meetin' you, Sister. Bye bye.
-Thank you.

Come on, hurry Sister Betty,
we have lots of lepers waiting.

-Don Don?
-What is it now?

Everything is fine.

What we did is,
we put our heads together

and we're gonna rip off the Arab
on the road during the car race.

You put your heads together, huh?
It must have sounded like a bowling alley!

-Yes, Don Don.
-We need millions of dollars by...

What time is it now?

Oh my God! By tomorrow!

If we can get the sheik,
we got the money.

He wants us to rip off the Arab
and then kidnap him.

-What for?
-What for?!! Ransom, you idiots! Ransom.

R-A-N-S-U-M!
Ransom!

-Understand, you imbeciles?
-You got it. Please calm yourself.

-Tell this to Hymie!
-Okay, have a nice day.

J.J., is that legal? Both of them?
At the same time?

J.J., you're bad.
Hi Jill, Hi Marcie!

Cute car!

Imagine the stories J.J.'s
making up about last night.

-He's driving poor Victor crazy.
-Yeah. Poor victor's buying every word of it.

-Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt us.
-Never has.

-Let's check out our competition.
-Alright.

Well, you look great. You really do.
You look real sexy!

Sexy?

-You look...
-And I look like a turd.

-No, you don't.
-J.J., what am I supposed to be?

You're a career army man.

Forty years in the army,
the backbone of the army!

-Alright! Man.
-Alright.

-Wish I had a medal.
-You want a medal?

Well, I'd like to have a medal.

-Take one.
-Oh, no.

-Take one, you're my friend.
-I couldn't take

-one of your medals. I couldn't do it.
-Take anyone you like. I love you.

Okay.

-This is a nice one right here. Thanks.
-That one.

Oh, this is really swell.

The Congressional Medal of Honor.
Thank you very much!

That's really nice.

Oh boy... Oh, and it's so shiny.
I'm real glad. I love it.

-Oh, look, J.J.
-Ah.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

General? Are you a General?
General J.J. McClure.

Oh, you're a private.

-National Guard.
-Listen...

The Lord asks a favor
and we ask a favor of you.

We have an emergency in New York
and it's very important that we get there.

-And we've lost our means of transportation.
-And our vows of poverty

prevent us from traveling commercially.
Could we go along with you?

We only have 48 hours to get there,
you see. Otherwise...

the lepers might cause a panic.

-The lepers?
-Yes. We treated lepers on Molokai,

and now several hundred of them
have made their way East to the Big Apple.

-We'd like to continue treating them.
-Oh...

-Oh, sure Sister, this is gonna be swell.
-Excuse me.

Excuse me. Just one minute.

-What?
-Come here.

-What?
-How could you tell 'em "The Big Apple"?!

-The lepers? Big Apple?
-Well, The Big Apple is New York, J.J.

-I know that.
-And I didn't even know they had lepers there.

Listen to me.

-We can't take nuns along. No!
-Oh please.

What, if we're driving along
and I see a pretty girl hitchhiking?

She wants to get in the car,
a little action? And we got nuns along?

-I'm good, but I'm not that good.
-Listen, if we take these nuns

I bet that God will be our co-pilot.

Well...

-Why not?
-Oh, J.J.

-You can come along.
-Oh, bless you, my son.

-Oh, J.J. You'll get your reward in heaven.
-I don't wanna wait that long.

-Snappy bags, huh? Ah. Good.
-It's purple for Lent.

I should tell you something. When we're gonna
be in the car, it'll be kind of cramped.

-It'll be alright?
-Of course.

It'll be alright.

My Milly took a vow of chastity.
She had headaches all the time.

Well, well, well...

Look who we have here.
General Patton... and General Admission.

Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops.
Gotta arrest their minds for vagrancy.

-Any problems, officers?
-Are you kidding, Ladies?

I might as well tell you something. We tried
it at the last race, dressed like priests.

We didn't win. It didn't help us
and it ain't gonna help you.

Now, as a law enforcement officer
I exercise my rights

to take these two young ladies
and submit them to a very nice long

and thorough body search.

-VICTOR: Shame on you!
-Listen.

These are real nuns. This is not a
Halloween party. Have a little respect.

I'm up to here with you.

You're sick.

Gather around, look this way.
Fenderboom, Blake, J.J., victor...

Fellow Cannonballers,
give me your attention.

Allah came to me one night and said:

"Falafel, be a sport!"

"Spread the wealth
before Khomeini gets it all."

Please, please...
The important thing to know is

that I personally am donating
the purse of $1 million to the winner!

Remember the golden rule:
He who has the gold makes the rules.

I go first.

-General, will this trip be dangerous?
-Oh, I don't think dangerous, Sister.

-Maybe exciting, but...
-♪ Da da daaa ♪

Hello everyone...
Good to see you again.

J.J., I shall endeavor to get you the win.
Throw the little nuns in the car...

-and let's be off!
-Does your friend have an identity problem?

No problem and no time, Sister.

General, you should be in the back.
Sister Betty, up front with me.

Boy-nun, boy-nun.

-Isn't he adorable?
-I heard that.

The jury's still out on that.

Here is to good luck.
May it all be mine!

♪ See the lightning
cross the sky ♪

♪ Makes me wonder
why can't I ♪

♪ Move that fast
to get to where I’m going ♪

♪ I just can't wait
to get to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, girl, you know
just what we'll do ♪

♪ So much love for you
it's overflowing ♪

♪ I gave you a license
to drive me up the wall ♪

♪ I just can't
shake this spell ♪

♪ That your love
keeps me under ♪

♪ The way you weave
your magic ♪

♪ Your brown eyes
say it all ♪

♪ I look at you
and feel the thunder ♪

♪ Ooh, it hits me
like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Hits me like
a Cannonball ♪

♪ Like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Hearts break at
the speed of sound ♪

♪ That's why I’m
so glad I found ♪

♪ Someone who makes lovin'
feel so right ♪

♪ If there's a detour
up ahead ♪

♪ I'll take
another road instead ♪

♪ Nothing's keeping me
from you tonight ♪

♪ I gave you a license
to drive me up the wall ♪

♪ I look at you
and feel the thunder ♪

♪ Ooh, it hits me
like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Hits me
like a Cannonball ♪

♪ Like a Cannonball ♪

I don't understand this, Tony.

For the last time:
I hit the back of the Arab's car,

push a button, presto.
These things clamp onto the bumper.

Then I step on the brakes.
We stop, get out of the car,

and snatch him...
Now do you understand?

Yeah...

[HORN HONKS]

-COMPUTER: Attention-- Smokey in pursuit.
-O-oh, trouble.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-Well, do something high-tech.
-COMPUTER: Smokey... gaining.

Afterburner... ready.

Boy, that's what I call a high-tech!

-Here they come.
-Still seems complicated, Tony.

It's a piece of cake. I just
speed up and I get to his back bumper.

Here we go. Get ready. Easing up.

Now don't blow it. Just hit the button.

Easing up. Easing up. Now! Now!

-You're not holding the wheel steady, Tony.
-Hey, you wanna drive?

Hit it!

-Nothing can separate us now. Nothing!
-Nothing!

Maybe it only works
on American cars, eh Tony?

Oh, how sweet.

Can I help you, ma'am?

-Aren't we going above the speed limit?
-Yes, 110, Sister Betty.

-Oh, this is exciting!
-Are you blessing my leg?

Yeah.

Keep blessing, sister!

-We just passed this police car.
-That's alright. We pass 'em all the time.

-Sarge, are we doin' 80?
-Yeah, we sure are!

Did they just pass us
like we were standing still?

Let me tell you what to do, son.

Buckle up. You're taking part in your
first high-speed pursuit and capture!

It's following us.
The police car's following us.

Probably recognized me.

[CRIES]

-What?
-I mean, it's not my life style.

-I don't...
-No, you're fine.

-You're shaking. I'll hold your hand.
-Oh, thank you, thank you.

-Oh, they're so warm.
-J.J. is the warmest!

-Sister Betty, he has such warm skin!
-He has such warm skin?

You should feel the heater up here.

Noticed how I took that last curve?
High and wide, straight through the apex.

Pick up about 15 mph more coming out.

-What are you writin'?
-The accident report.

Damn!

-Tony, are you sure about this?
-Stop complaining!

-Statistics proof flying is safer than driving.
-Is that right?

Sideward and rearward
maneuvering is accomplished by...

oh, am I mad at you!
You told me you could fly this thing.

We almost got killed
three times already!

Will you shut up an read the instructions?!
Or we'll be killed for the last time!

You're getting me crazy.
This thing can not fly by itself!

-We're leveling out!
-Alright, so we didn't crash.

Now, explain to me about
the magnet on the helicopter.

Why?

-This scheme is too complicated for me.
-The alphabet is too complicated for you!

It's simple: this magnet is powerful enough
to pick a Brinks truck right off the street.

Oh, a Brinks truck, huh?

-Here's your sandwich, Your Highness.
-You'd better not, Your Royalship.

That salami will kick the shit
out of your ulcer!

-Wait, wait. There's the Rolls!
-Ha! Good.

-This flyin' is a piece of cake!
-Now that we found 'em, what do we do?

Are you kidding? I just sneak up behind 'em.
They probably won't even know I'm there.

Then, at the right second:
zappo! We snatch 'em.

Oh! Smart!

Why did I ever doubt you Tony?
I'm too dumb to question smart people.

This is true.

-Tony, don't you think you're too low?
-That's a negative.

-It looks a little low, Tony.
-I can see it through the window, okay?

A little bit to the left.

-A little more to the left.
-How did you get here? The Tooth Fairy?

-I flew you here, shmuck!
-Now, down a little.

Hit the button on the magnet!

[THUMP]

I love being a gangster!

We're on like glue. Nothing, nothing
could separate us now. Nothing!

-Up, up and away!
-Up, up and away.

Listen!

Up, up and awaaay...

-I don't know why it ain't workin'.
-Could be the fan belt.

Maybe it don't work
on nothin' but Brinks trucks.

Don't worry about it.
I'll have it all figured out in a second.

Tony, is your seat belt on?

[CRASH]

Hep. Eatin' time!
You feed him, and... I'll drive.

No, no, no. It's your turn.
You feed him. Come on!

Here you go. Oh...

Son-of-a-bitch!
That son-of-a-bitch is crazy!

He's got a mental case...

♪ Ohhhhh ♪

♪ Oh, it's hard to be
a genius, of course ♪

♪ But keep that old horse ♪

♪ Before the cart ♪

♪ First you gotta
have heart... ♪

-Corporal. You're driving well.
-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Sister Betty? You know, I was raised
a Catholic and I'm really interested.

Could you tell us more about
the Order of the Immaculate Charity?

-Chastity.
-Chastity!

He always get those words mixed up.

Well... I think it's time for us
to get some sleep.

-Oh sure. Good.
-So if you just excuse us,

-we'd like to have a little privacy.
-Sure.

Go ahead, there's... Just put that...

-Good night.
-Good night.

Hey, am I crazy? Or are those
the friendliest nuns you've ever seen?

-Isn't Sister Betty cute?
-Ahh. I'd...

I'd like to jump her bones.

-J.J., bite your tongue!
-Can't help it. I'm sorry.

Aren't you ashamed?

-I would!
-Oh my goodness!

Why would you say such a...

-That's sacrilegious!
-These are human beings.

And I'd be very interested
to know how you make out.

Huh?

'Cause I been thinking about
getting into Sister Betty's pants.

Oh God, forgive me...

Morning officer! Nice day, isn't it?

Get out of the road, fat boy,
before you get run over.

-Come on.
-Okay.

-Good morning!
-Goddamn! A General!

-Now, what seems to be the problem, officer?
-We have speed limits in this here state.

-Even in a nuclear emergency?
-What emergency?

We can't talk about it, officer.

-Let me see your driver's license.
-No!

I have radioactive breath.

-What are you boys trying to pull?
-There has been a nuclear meltdown.

We're taking some contaminated
material to Connecticut.

Why Connecticut?

They ran out.

Bullshit!

-Hey, uncle Hinky!
-Homer! My nephew.

-We'll wait for you, Homer.
-Thanks, Sir.

How you're doin', Homer?

-Goddamn, I didn't know you was coming home!
-Private!

Yes sir, General!

-What are you doing here, son?
-Well, I had a 3-day pass to come home.

It's the first one I had in two years.

I'm gonna commandeer you
to drive this car to Connecticut.

-Get in the car, son.
-Yes, Sir!

Hold it! Ain't nobody goin' no
place till I phoned this here in!

Uncle Hinky, I gotta do what he says. He got
more medals than all at the base together.

It don't make no difference.
I phone it in anyway.

-Good morning, officer.
-Sweet Jesus!

-General, why are we stopping?
-I'm sorry, Sister.

I was just explaining to the sheriff
the purpose of my mission.

-You carry nuns with you?
-In case we don't...

-make it, you know?
-Oh, really?

There's a higher purpose involved, officer.
Only the Lord knows what it is.

The safety of our nation depends
on the speed of our mission.

Wow! Praise the Lord!

Well, in that case I'll give you a police
escort all the way to the county line.

-Bless you.
-Sheriff...

I just want you to know something:
America needs your help!

There are two communists disguised as
policemen chasing us in a red Corvette.

-Commies!
-No shit?

No shit.

Now, don't go arguing with me!
I've got it straight from the General!

There are two communists dressed up
as policemen in a red Corvette...

trying to steal our nuclear shit!
Shoot 'em!

The fate of the country
depends on it, do you hear me?

[OVER RADIO] Headquarters, this is units 2
and 5 eastbound on Highway 10.

-We got those commies in our sights.
-Commies?

Now, I been called a lot of things but
I ain't never been called no commie.

I ain't even a Democrat.

[OVER RADIO] But you can inform
the General they're as good as caught.

The General... General!?

J.J! That son-of-a-bitch!

Good, Blake. But not good enough!

[OVER RADIO] This is 2 and 5 again.
We're now westbound on Highway 10.

[OVER RADIO] This is the Captain.
I want those two foreigners brought in.

-Dead or alive.
-Don't you worry about it.

You know what I'm gonna do?

-What?
-I'm gonna turn this car around

and I am gonna block
the whole highway sideways.

And when they come
they have a choice: either to ditch it

or ram right straight into us!

-Just ditch it or... ram straight into us?
-Yeah!

Get outta here with these bananas!
I don't want the bananas!

This is humiliating as hell...
er... sittin' up here!

Well, it's no picnic being back here!
Wacked-out monkey!

[CRASH]

Stop it! Well, keep your
hands off me, monkey!

What are you doing up here?

-Man, it's safer.
-[CRASH]

-Well, who's drivin'?
-He is.

Would you boys like to stay for dinner?
I just made noodle soup.

Note, Blake. General Patton's car.

Is the blimp driving?

No. It's the General.

The General, huh? Ha!

Oh, I'm gonna make a private out of him!

It's money in the bank.
A million bucks!

Oh, come on! It'll be
a weekend you'll never forget.

-All three of us?
-Yep.

It's gonna be a weekend you can tell
your kids about... if they're all boys.

Look, you guys thrashed this gull-wing out.
I didn't even pay for that one yet.

Listen, baby. We're gonna be as gentle
with that car as we're gonna be with you.

Real sound. Come on, what you say?

-Okay. Okay.
-Alright.

The keys are in the car, but hurry back.
My friends aren't gonna believe this!

-Know what? You just bring them too.
-Really?

Sure. And don't forget your camera.

Really?

-You got a full tank of gas in here?
-Please, be careful with it. Please!

(I'll be real gentle)

What do you want, Ching-Chong man?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Help? Gee, there's only a dozen of 'em.
By the way, can you split that for me?

Thank you.

I'll be there in a minute!

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

That was wonderful. You're great. Can you
stay for dinner and meet my parents?

That was so great! What's your name?

Hey, we got a race to finish.
A million bucks!

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

He can stay for dinner, too!

Dammit! The race is gonna be over,
if they don't get their buns out here soon.

Golly! They changed their clothes.

-You think we've gone too far?
-Probably.

Let's go for it.

You know, General? I bet this mission
is so secret you had 'em do this

so Russian spies wouldn't recognize 'em.

We got a six-pack and some
chilli-dogs for the trip.

I got one for you and one for... "him".

You've adapted to
civilian life very well.

Oh my God! Private...
Walk this way.

Nuns, huh?

-Get in the car.
-Yes, General.

Put that away!
You ain't gonna use it!

To your right, Highness.
To your right.

As soon as this cable rips up the Rolls...

-you grab the money...
-I grab the money?

And I grab the sheik
or what's left of 'em...

-and we head back to Vegas.
-Vegas?!

[CAR PHONE CHIMES]

Prince Falafel! Buy what?

Nimitz? What's a Nimitz?

The U.S.S. Nimitz, ah!

I want to buy it!
I want to land my 747s on it!

I don't care what it costs. How much?

-Feelin' better now, aren't you?
-I can't hear you! Talk louder!

-I said, you're feeling better now, aren't you?!
-Yes, a thousand thanks!

-No problem! Buy!
-Bye.

-Tighten it up, they're coming! Tighter!
-I tighten it!

Come. Hurry. Here it comes!

-Well yeah, you get what you pay for.
-Oh, dammit!

-What now?
-I don't know!

-Well, get out and start smiling.
-Yeah, right.

Don't blame me! I didn't do nothin'!

Me neither. I'm just followin' orders.

We were turning about 8 grand when
the gages lit up like a pinball machine.

Yeah, so we propped the hood
and there's oil leaking.

-Right here.
-Mm-hmm.

-Does it look bad?
-Not from where I'm standing.

-Oh, can you fix it then?
-Honey, I got a tool that'll fix anything!

Oh, yeah?

-Hey, sugar?
-Yeah?

What have you got under the hood?

Alright. That's a 454, four on the floor.

-Full house, with a blower.
-Yeah?

She's a sweetheart, isn't she?

It sure is hot out here, ain't it?

Yeah, it really is.

Why don't you relax, sugar?
Everything's gonna be just fine!

I don't think my boss
wanted this to do 120 mph.

-Well, it's doin' it!
-Come on, listen.

Why don't you just take me back and...

My... Just take me back to my boss...
Oh jeez, am I gonna get it!

What the heck! It's only a job.
Let's go!

And it's gonna be a weekend
you'll never forget.

[SIREN]

COMPUTER: Attention... Smokie in pursuit.
Attention... Smokie in...

Battle stations!

-Afterburner.
-Roger!

Afterburner ready... 3, 2, 1...

Ignition!

-Turn it off! Turn it off!
-Huh? Hah?

Prepare to crash dive!

We just lost it.

[SONAR PINGING]

-Look, beer cans!
-Underwear?

-Now let's give 'em the oil slick.
-Yes, man.

Oil slick... Sorry, fellas.

-We're just doin' our job.
-Yes, sorry.

Attention... enemy astern.

-Let's see what's happening. Up the scope.
-Okay.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-Quiet, please.
-Stand by for depth charge attack.

-Come on. Catch one. Pay attention!
-We've been coming here for five years!

-Five years!
-Without a fish.

-A big one's out there for you, boys.
-You're sure?

Darn right! I saw him jump the other day.
I took a picture, while it was in the air.

Picture weighed 13 and a half pounds!

I really don't like this guy!

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Forward all engines.

Come on, just pay attention
to what you're doing.

All ahead full.

-Let him go!
-No!

We've caught ourselves a Moby Dick!

God damn, we're going with him!

-And you haven't seen your family in 2 years?
-No, but I'm not complaining. Duty calls.

-General?
-What?

How long do you think the national emergency

will require the services
of Pvt. Lyle here, Sir?

-I don't know.
-He hasn't seen his family in 2 years.

J.J., that is not nice. Truly isn't.

A General's work is never done.

-Private.
-Yes, Sir.

I've checked the Geiger counter

and the radioactivity seems to be dropping. I
don't think we need your services anymore.

-Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
-Pull over.

Pvt. Lyle, you've rendered
a great service to this country.

You make me proud to be in the same
army with a man with your character.

I'd like to present you with the
Congressional Medal of Honor.

-This Congressional Medal of Honor?
-That Congressional Medal of Honor.

-That's French.
-I know.

General, for the last 20 years
while I was working in the motor pool

I always knew the Good Lord's gonna give
me a chance to come on a special mission

like this, to serve my country.

Bye, Lyle.

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Whoooooooo ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Cannonball ♪

-And that's all you have to do, honey.
-Boy, am I sick!

-I ain't never gonna fly with you again!
-Will you shut up and read the instructs

and tell me what it says
about landing this thing?

-It says: lower the flaps.
-Okay, then do it, quickly!

-Where are they?
-Under "F", you idiot!

Well, let's see. There's a "T"
for tabs. Is that any good?

-Fantastic! Pull it!
-Pull what?

-Anything, dummy!
-Okay, Tony!

♪ To look sharp ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ To feel sharp ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

I like this song so much,
I bought the company.

I don't know why everybody makes such a big
deal about flying. It's a piece of cake.

This better work, Tony. I just called
Don Don, and he's really mad.

Caesar, Caesar...

Simplicity is the hallmark of genius.
This cannot miss.

Yeah?

Relax, alright?

Damn ulcer's killing me.
You got anything for it?

Charlotte Russe. How delightful.

Not exactly the Maxim's,
but my compliments to the chef.

A thousand pardons!

I couldn't help noticing.
Obviously you are a damsel in distress.

May I be of service to you?
I am the great Prince Abdul-Ben Falafel,

master of all deserts,
Prince of princes,

-and one of the world's biggest...
-Yoyos.

How dare you put a gun to my head!

As I was saying,
do you come here often?

I wish you guys would have seen us change
in the bathroom, making this decision.

Know, what she wanted to do? To put the
nun's habit on and the shorts underneath.

-And she thought you wouldn't notice.
-I will notice.

Well, I just didn't want you to be upset
when you found out I wasn't a nun.

You're not?

-I'm not even a Catholic.
-Well, nobody's perfect.

-May I?
-Oh, I been waitin' for this.

-Sure hate to give the chauffeur a ticket.
-Yeah, it's always the jerk in back

-giving the orders.
-Yeah.

Pardon me, Sir, we're...

-You know what that is, back there?
-Damn right! It's a chimp!

Listen to me. See that dark glass?
Don't look!

You know who's behind
that glass filming us?

Allen Funt.
We're on Candid Camera!

Come on, it's our chance! Come on!

Stand right here so they
can see you. Stand right here.

Pardon me, Sir.
I'd like to see your license...

Oh God, I wonder what the
penalty is for assaulting a police officer.

He's not gonna make a monkey out of me!

You're okay? Don't make him mad!

I'm gonna say hello to my mom. I just
wondered if I could say hello to my mother?

This is working great. Let's go sing.
Come on, before they go.

♪ By the light ♪

♪ Of the silvery moon ♪

Let's get the hell outta here!

Hey, Mr. Funt!

-Aren't we supposed to sign a release?
-Oh, shut up!

Oh, listen! Look! Hold it!
Look, Cannonballers ahead of us!

Alright, what the hell happened?

Hm, Sir. I was eating my dessert when
suddenly I saw one of the cat people.

-Beautiful body was...
-Now, we have a slight problem.

Two hoods. They parted
with the Sheik and the money.

How that happen?

She was hitchhiking in a leopard
coat and as we approached

-she flashed and we stopped.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

He's right. Who else knew
the million was in the sheik's trunk?

I think you two guys have
got something to tell us.

-Right?
-Right.

J.J, let me explain to you
as briefly as I can.

Here's what happened. We owed the guys in
Vegas a little chump change. Nothing really.

So they sent down some
torpedoes to collect.

-And you told 'em about the Sheik.
-It was tell 'em or else.

-Who were these guys?
-The Cannelloni family from Las Vegas.

-Well, hell. Let's just go get these guys.
-We can't just go get these guys!

-Why?
-They hold up at the Pinto Ranch.

And that's guarded like Fort Knox.

Wait a minute.
Maybe "him" can get through.

Maybe "him" can get "himself"
killed and take you with "him".

-"Him" is open for other suggestions.
-What's happening? What's going on here?

Gaped at her naked body glistening in the
hot sun and her sweet sweat rolling down...

Hey, wait a minute.
We'll go to the King.

No, no. The sheik's father hates him.

Hey, he's not the only king.
We have royalty in this country, too.

He'll see you guys.

Sit on this.

How did you enjoy the Halloween party?

-What a guy he is.
-What a guy!

-Alright. How much this time?
-Frank, you know. It's never for ourselves.

-Not this time, Frank.
-And who asked you to sit down? Get up!

-Mr. Sinatra...
-You may call me Frank.

-I can call him Frank.
-Not yet.

I'll let you know when you can.
Not exactly now, but I'll let you know.

-What can I call you?
-Call me sir.

-Call him Sir.
-I got it. Sir... We are Cannonballers.

-What?
-Cannonballers.

Oh, wait a minute...

I've been lonely as much as you have,
from time to time.

-Come on.
-That's a hot one, Your Majesty. Sir.

You see, the Cannonball is a race
from California to Connecticut.

We have lots of fun.
But the Sheik...

-Sheik?
-Yes.

-With the blue Rolls Royce.
-Who is he?

Did I ever sing for him
in London, you think?

We can't even pronounce his name.
You see, they kidnapped him

and they took $1 million out of the trunk
of his car. That's why we came to you.

-Why come to me? Why don't you go to the FBI?
-Who taught the FBI?

Okay, alright. Who snatched him?

Oh, the Cannellonis.

I got an idea.

I got a trio that I use in my act and this
bum's been trying to steal it for months.

Dorothy, get me Don Don.

They must be terrific for Frank
to recommend them personally.

I guarantee you have never seen
anything like this in your whole...

I'm not saying this,
just because I'm their agent.

You know, I just love auditioning
new talent. I get all excited.

♪ Stop ♪

♪ In the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break
my heart ♪

♪ Baby, baby,
I’m aware ♪

♪ Of where you go ♪

♪ Each time
you leave my door ♪

♪ I watch you
walk down the street ♪

♪ Knowing your other
love you meet ♪

♪ But this time... ♪

-Come on, what's the matter?
-They are a little short on looks.

But didn't you notice the nice
unison? The way they dance?

♪ Think it over ♪

♪ I've known of your ♪

♪ Your secluded nights ♪

♪ I've even seen her ♪

♪ Maybe once or twice ♪

-♪ But is her sweet expression ♪
-They're fabulous.

♪ Worth more than
my loving affection? ♪

♪ But this time ♪

♪ Before you
leave my arms ♪

♪ And rush off
to her charms ♪

♪ Think it over ♪

♪ Haven't I been
good to you? ♪

♪ Think it over ♪

♪ Haven't I been
sweet to you? ♪

♪ Stop ♪

Frank ain't no dummy.
I can't sing...

but even I can follow that act.

[FALSETTO] Thank you.

Girls, you're hired!
You're hired, girls! You're hired!

You all have life... lifetime
contracts here at the Pinto Ranch.

I'll just have to move
someplace else... Now, girls!

Lovely. Go to your dressing rooms
and powder your noses... a lot!

Absolutely wonderful. Frank certainly
knows his stuff! Just wonderful.

Bad news.

Oh, girls. How do you spell Laverne?
Is that one word or two?

-Two.
-Three.

Oh, Hymie, what a pleasant surprise!

Uh, what a pleasant surprise...

Hey! I said I'd be here in 24 hours.
Therefore...

it ain't no surprise. And it ain't
gonna be pleasant either. May I?

Oh my God...

-What are these three bow-wows?
-It's our new lounge act.

What do they do? Scare the
audience to death? ...That's funny!

Mr. Hymie?

You girls ever hear of Nair?

-We're working on it.
-Huh?

Our doctor has us on hormones.

Well, I suggest you go for a second opinion,
because I think he's over-prescribing.

Hi, I'm Laverne.

[CRUNCH]

Get me those hormones.

Alright, Dumb-Dumb.
Where's my nine large?

One million dollars, Hymie.
And the rest is in escrow

in a bank in downtown Las Vegas.

I'm gonna consider this
interest only, alright?

Now, you have the principal by tomorrow,
or you'll be under downtown Las Vegas.

-Girls... so long.
-Bye, Mr. Hymie.

Excuse me...
You have a Ladies' restroom?

Yes, it says "Cowgirls".

-It's the second door on the left.
-On the left.

Now, this is a lifetime contract, as I said.
I presume they'll have their own wardrobe?

-Tits up!
-Alright.

-Mr. Hymie!
-That Laverne comes near me, waste her!

We were just wondering if you could
give us a little advice on our careers.

Oh, yeah! Get out of show business.

Now!

We got the money!

Hide! Somebody's coming!

-Your purses.
-Oh, good. We got the money!

-Oh, let's go!
-No, no!

We gotta save the Sheik!

-Come on.
-Alright.

Hi, I was wondering if you gentlemen will
be kind enough to help me with my luggage?

Man, those three broads
got a case of the uglies.

-Let the boss not hear you say that.
-[PUNCHES]

It's torture, I tell you.
Torture! Please. Please!

Hey, it's got a lock on it.

-Break it down.
-Come on.

Ladies, at one, two, three!

More Ladies! My beauties,
you must wait your turn.

There is only so much water
in the fountain.

Sheik, it's us!

-We're not girls!
-How dare you?

It is out of the question!
Allah will only forgive so much!

Hey Abdul, put your slipper's on.

-Let's get outta here.
-I don't want to go!

I've tried everything, but...

-Get me out of this.
-This is something.

-Can I take this with me?
-Okay with me. Come, tickle!

-I'm terribly sorry.
-Now, listen to me.

If these three uglies
get away with my million

Dumb-Dumb, then your father's gonna
owe me a big favor. You know why?

-No.
-Because I'm gonna kill you.

And then... he's gonna kill you.
And then he's gonna kill you.

-And then he's gonna kill you!
-Charmed. There's no need to worry, Hymie.

You see, they cannot escape.
There's no way out of here.

You are totally secure!

However, I'm very shaky.

-Open!
-Oh, shit! You got the key?

Maybe.

-You ungrateful putz!
-Hold it!

The three little pigs!

Get me somebody to hide behind!

This is it, boys. Remember the rules...

-No rules!
-You heard him. Absolutely no rules!

I told you, there's nothing to worry about.
There won't be any witnesses.

No witnesses?

J.J., they're all around us. I...

-My money or your life.
-Money!

-He's got the money.
-Ha... He's got the money.

J.J.

Hey, did you see that picture where
the bad guys get their last request?

-Yeah.
-Well, some time on the late show.

It was really a good movie.

A last meal perhaps?
You could lay a little BBQ on us.

You know, something that you
would go over the coals with?

I'll have some quiche.
And a little chocolate mousse.

Er, Shish kebab...
No, no. Couscous.

Friggin' chickasee?

Chicken fricasse...

-And you?
-I'd like a wine list.

Where I'm sending you, baby,
everything's on the menu.

We're saved!

Hey, reminds me of Brooklyn!

Hi there!

Surprise!

You too!

Any questions, boys?

-Do you mind a personal remark?
-No, of course not!

That is absolutely gorgeous!

Hey, one's getting away!

-I got him.
-I'll guard your back. Be careful and watch out!

No problem. I'll be right back!

You're okay? Must be
a pretty tough guy up there.

-Maybe I should take care of this one.
-He's all yours.

I think, he's over his head this time.

-Hey! You look like an athlete.
-Wow, thank you. I was an athlete.

-Oh yeah?
-Yeah, I was...

Oh, then you can
probably handle yourself.

-You're in danger.
-I'll protect you, Sister.

Four, five, six, seven...

Next!

Oh, don't do that to me again.
This is just beautiful!

That's European, isn't it?

-But of course.
-Absolutely stunning!

That's enough. That's enough!

-A thousand thanks, Sisters!
-Bless you, my friend.

Over there! Yeah!

Come on, you brat. You pervert!

Hey, how do you like this
for a hose job?

Oh yeah? Salute!

-Hello, Chaos!
-Look J.J., a flower! Nice, huh?

See ya!

And I figured that 30,000 we owe you...
This will more than take care of it.

-May I buy you a drink? Cherie!
-Yes.

Cherie!? I guess everyone...
They seem to be so busy!

That was fun, J.J!

-Get those guys!
-You got it.

Fly, baby! Fly!

Help is on the way!
Justice will triumph!

Sorry, bad guys! Carry on.

Raining like a son-of-a-bitch over there.

-You need any help here?
-Yes. Inject that.

Fine. Oh, the plague!
I've seen this before...

No, Jackie! J.J...
Cannonball... You got it!

-Friend or foe?
-Have a guess!

-It's a bird.
-It's a plane.

It's Hymie!

Would you hold this for me, please?
I would like to really...

get a good look at that ring again.
It's truly lovely.

Oh my God...

oh, look...

-J.J., it's a vision.
-No... No, it's us.

Oh, Sister Betty.

-"Him" didn't know you had that in you.
-"Him" will.

We're here to help you win!

-Did you miss me?
-So much...

Oh thanks. A little more than that?

I'm glad you missed me that much!

All these wonderful gals!

Fenderbaum!

Boy-nun, boy-boy, boy-nun.

Fenderbaum! What are you
doing with my partner?

-Partner?
-Partner?

Yes! I have bought the Pinto Ranch!

Yes!

And why not?
I have a weakness for blondes...

and women without mustaches.

Before you do any hiring you tell
your partner about your liabilities.

You know, you have a very big mouth!

-My sheik!
-My partner!

My Sheik, I will need
just a little operating capital.

How much?

-Nine million dollars?
-Nine million?

A drop in the well!
I will give you 18 million.

-That way you will have some petty cash!
-Thank you, my sheik. Where are you going?

To win the race!

To share in my good fortune
with my fellow Cannonballers

I have decided to raise the
prize money to two million dollars!

-How many zeros is in that?
-I don't know!

We'll split it three ways?

-Yeah!
-Come, my sweethearts, we go!

Hey, Fenderbaum, Blake!
Come here a minute!

What is it, Frank?
Can't you see we're busy?

I know that. That's why I want to get
a head start. See you in Connecticut.

♪ Piso en el acelerador ♪

♪ Voy en busca
de tu amor ♪

♪ Tu eres el final
de mi camino ♪

♪ Tengo prisa por llegar
no me puedo desviar ♪

♪ No hay distancia
para estar contigo ♪

♪ Tienes la licencia
para guiar mi amor ♪

♪ Me enloqueces con tu magia,
tu sonrisa ♪

♪ Tu cara me persigue,
por el retrovisor ♪

♪ Y tu recuerdo me estremece
tan fuerte como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball ♪

♪ Sigo una estrella fugaz
no puedo quedarme atras ♪

♪ Tu eres la ruta
que escogi...♪

Oh, so sorry. You are average
player. Please try again later.

♪ Tienes la licencia
para guiar mi amor ♪

♪ Me enloqueces con tu magia,
tu sonrisa ♪

♪ Tu cara me persique,
por el retrovisor ♪

♪ Y tu recuerdo
me estremece ♪

♪ U-u tan fuerte
como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball... ♪

You gotta have to stop this thing. I can't
examine you with all this movin' around.

I can't stop! I can't stop! Just keep
me alive until we reach Connecticut!

So much for Abdul...

It's money in the bank,
I tell you. A million bucks!

The whole of a million bucks apiece!

-That's Frank.
-Where'd he learn to drive like that?

I don't know, but don't let him pass us!

-Floor it!
-It's floored!

Hi Frank, chicky-lover baby!
Hi there!

Remember me, Fenderbaum? Listen,
whoever gets to the finish line first

we split it 50/50, okay?

70/30

How about 10%?

Forget it.

♪ Cannonball ♪

♪ Fuerte como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball
fuerte como Cannonball ♪

♪ Como Cannonball ♪

Forget it, guys!
You're four hours and 15 martinis late!

Better go in the bar and get gassed up,
'cause you're racing back tomorrow...

-at noon!
-Park it. I'll see you in the bar.

Thanks. We'll leave tomorrow
and we'll be back in four days.

Then Atlantic City and a
weekend you'll never forget.

Once again you have brought
shame and disgrace to our tribe

-by not winning the Cannonball Run.
-But Pop, there was this doctor in the car.

-He gave me a... It was kismet.
-I warn you!

Tomorrow's race is the last
Cannonball I am financing.

If you do not win,
do not bother to come home.

Pop, don't worry. I can't lose!

I have hired the winner of this Cannonball
to be my co-driver in the next one.

I'd like you to meet him. I have
told him so much about you, Pop.

Excuse me, Sir.
I'd like you to meet my Pop!

The Cannonball is a race from California
to Connecticut. We have lots of fun.

And then... The Sheik... What they...

I can get this. Just a minute.
I can do it. Wait a minute.

-And... From the slap?
-We'll start from the slap.

Sir! Er...

Just pick it up right from the slap.

Sir!

Sorry, we get this in a minute.
It's alright. We get it. Here we go.

Oh, Sir! The Cannonball is a race

from Connecticut to your ass.

Now, if your mother
could kiss like that...

We're just gonna place it. Ready? Huh?

Is that what you want? You got it.

-You got it.
-I don't trust you.

No, you got it, I swear.
I'm just gonna place it.

Oh shit, if I wasn't getting
a lot of money...

-Don't get it from the ground.
-Where might I gonna get it from?

Get it from here. This is fresh.

-There'll be a mound here.
-I got fresh stuff here.

Nobody's ever peed on this.
I'm just gonna place it.

How animals live on this shit?

Listen, if we have these nuns
God will be our co-pilot.

I don't care. You listen to me.
Listen to me.

We're not taking those nuns along.

What is the matter with you?
I can't work like this!

-She's winking at me.
-Hold there.

She's to wave.

-Alright. Okay.
-I have no protection.

-She is... Godammit...
-Pick it up.

-Lepers? New York?
-No: "Lepers? Big Apple?"

I order you...

-J.J! Long time no see.
-Captain Chaos, nice to see you again.

Would you do it again?

-Yeah, certainly.
-Here we go.

Keep it rollin'. Here we go.

-J.J!
-Captain Chaos!

-Long time no see.
-Good to see you again.

-Good to see you!
-Listen...

I'd deem it a personal pruverage...
privilege,

if I can get in that bomb and get my teeth
fixed. Turn around, let's start again.

-J.J!
-Captain Chaos.

-Long time no see.
-Good to see you again.

I'd deem it a privilege
you let me ride in the bomb.

Did you understand that at all?
Just turn around and let me do it again.

Listen, isn't somebody gonna say "Cut"?