Canned Laughter (1979) - full transcript
(building regal music)
(birds chirping faintly)
(Robert snoring)
(birds chirping)
(Robert snoring)
(audience members chuckling)
(Robert snoring)
(audience laughing)
(Robert snoring)
(audience laughing)
(Robert snoring)
(birds chirping)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat new wave music)
(audience laughing)
-[Dave] Wake up!
♪ Radio suburbia four five four ♪
It's just coming up to 7:32.
(cheesy music)
-[Posh Man] I never thought
I'd need to install a Barker Bath
until one day.
-[Man] Hoo, what a pong!
Boo, there ain't half a whiff in here!
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
- [Robert Voiceover] Well,
you must ask her today.
There aren't many nice girls about,
so for goodness sake,
get the approach right.
Above all,
be happy.
(audience laughing)
Perhaps not.
Try sad.
You've got terminal cancer,
and one year to live.
One week?
Oh, no.
Who'd go out with a sick
man for goodness sake?
Try, try quite seductive.
How are you tonight,
(audience laughing)
Lorraine?
(audience laughing)
("Mr. Blue Sky" by ELO)
♪ The sun is shinin' in the sky ♪
♪ There ain't a cloud in sight ♪
♪ It's stopped rainin' ♪
♪ Everybody's in the play ♪
♪ And don'tcha know ♪
♪ It's a beautiful new day, hey ♪
♪ Runnin' down the avenue ♪
♪ See how the sun shines
brightly in the city ♪
♪ On the streets where once was pity ♪
♪ Mr. Blue Sky is living here today ♪
♪ Hey ♪
- Mornin'!
Mornin'!
-[Milkman] Good mornin'!
- Good mornin', Mrs. Nolan.
- Mornin', Mr. Perry.
You're up with the lark.
- Oh, yes.
I've got to see my agent about a bookin'.
He wants to try me in a swish
restaurant in Camden Town.
Could be the big break, Mrs. Nolan.
- Oh, I've never been
in a Swiss restaurant.
- No, swish.
Posh.
- Oh, well, I hope you're funny.
- Oh, so do I, Mrs. Nolan.
That's what I'll be paid
for after all. (chuckles)
Well, how are you?
All right?
- Oh, not so bad.
My divorce came through this mornin'.
(audience laughing)
- Good.
Good.
- From my husband.
We've been married 45 years.
Thought we'd call it a day, though.
- Well, you certainly picked a nice one.
(audience laughing)
- Well, ya don't really need an husband
when you've got a dog.
Do ya?
(audience laughing)
- No.
No, not really.
No.
Well.
I must be off.
Bye.
(audience laughing)
-[Dave] Okay.
Now's the time to phone in your
breakfast menu suggestions.
The lines have been open since 3 a.m.,
and you must know the number by now.
♪ Five three one three
three four five nine ♪
♪ Eight seven two two five six three ♪
♪ One eight ♪
Hello, who's calling?
(radio chattering)
(razor buzzing)
Good morning, Joan.
-[Joan] Morning, Dave.
-[Dave] Are you having a
good time this morning?
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
Well, does he normally kiss you goodbye?
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
-[Joan] I think he hates me.
-[Dave] You think he hates you?
- Hi.
Lorraine.
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
Oh, my God, look at the time!
Help!
Help, help.
Hip, hip!
(glass crashing)
Oh, uh, cup, cup, cup, cup, cup, cup!
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- This bus go to Oxfordshire?
- Does it say so on the front of the bus?
- Yeah.
- Well, get in then you silly old fool.
(audience laughing)
Make it to South Kenton.
Next?
- Charing Cross Road?
- Do you smoke?
- Yes.
- Ew.
Upstairs.
- Next?
- Sloane Square.
And I don't smoke.
- Ah, well, aren't we
the clever one then, eh?
Get in.
Next?
(speaking foreign language)
(bell ringing)
(man mumbling)
(audience laughing)
- Good mornin'!
(audience laughing)
-[Conductor] Ten, please?
- Um, Sloane Square.
- 16!
(head thudding)
(audience laughing)
16.
- That is 16.
- Only if 15 and 16 are the same number.
- Ah!
- What are you, some kinda comedian?
(audience laughing)
- Funny you should say that, actually
- 12, 13,
14,
15,
16.
(bill tearing)
(audience laughing)
(conductor mumbling)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(man laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(audience laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(audience laughing)
(case thudding)
(audience laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(workers mumbling)
- Well, I think you've really got
to do something about this.
I'm fed up.
- Well, I agree.
I agree with you.
(workers mumbling)
- We've gotta make a point of (mumbles).
Otherwise, we get, we.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Be quiet.
(audience laughing)
Right.
Now, this morning,
I want to look at the root of the problem
with this department.
As far as it is capable of analysis.
One word springs to mind
as I search for this root.
That word...
Is stupidity.
(audience laughing)
Because I hear you're
complaining about pay.
Is that right?
You're saying things like,
"We are not being paid
enough." to one another.
(audience laughing)
And yet, while you say these words,
you hold in your overworked,
and underpaid hands
at least one cigarette.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
These cigarettes reveal many things.
But chiefly,
they reveal that this money
for which you are craving
is to be spent upon instruments of death
rather than of life.
How could I possibly consider giving money
to a group of people who are
clearly so hellbent on self-destruction?
(audience laughing)
- Some of us don't smoke, sir.
- Some lemmings don't
jump off cliffs, Mr. Box.
That doesn't stop the species
being generally worthy of derision.
Anyone else?
- We do feel, sir, nevertheless,
that we have some reasons
for negotiations about pay.
- Oh, that's encouraging, isn't it?
I'd hate to feel that we were here
for no purpose whatsoever.
What are these reasons?
- Well, I mean, basically, sir, we.
Ah. (clears throat)
Well, I mean, basically, sir,
uh, we feel that our
wages are below the, um,
the norm.
- Yes, well, that's easily
explained, I'm afraid.
As workers, you are below the normal.
And you are therefore paid accordingly.
Is that clear?
- Uh, yes, sir.
Yes.
- Good.
The door's the wooden thing
in the wall behind you.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing in distance)
- Well, uh, perhaps you'd like
to drop up with your stats.
I'm sure we can work
something out between us.
(typewriter typing in distance)
(audience laughing)
- Ah!
Lorraine.
- Morning, Robert.
- Um.
What, uh...
What do you do at nights?
(audience laughing)
- I, I beg your pardon?
- You know.
When, um.
When it gets dark.
(audience laughing)
- Uh.
W, well.
- I'm, you know, I'm, uh,
I'm just a little curious.
(audience laughing)
- Well,
I, uh.
- I mean, uh.
Do you, uh...
You eat at night?
Or?
Or, what?
- Well, as a rule, really yes.
- Ah-ha!
Ah, yes!
Yes!
Well, ah.
Yes, well, I do, actually,
I, I quite often go to
a pub on my way home,
have, have one of these,
these little bar things.
(audience laughing)
But, uh.
But tonight I thought
I'd really splash out
on something a lot better.
Go somewhere really nice.
- Ah.
Would you like me to join you?
- No!
No, no, no, no, no.
(audience laughing)
No, no.
No, no, don't trouble yourself.
No, it'll be, uh.
Um.
Yes.
Yes. Yes!
("Smoke Gets in Your Eyes")
If that'd be okay, yes!
We could perhaps even,
even go to the Saraceno in Camden Town.
That little,
a little Italian place
behind the (mumbles).
Actually, might be Greek.
(alarm beeping)
They number a lot of, uh,
a lot of show business personalities
amongst their clientele, apparently.
They once found a glove there
that belonged to Brian Clough.
-[Guard] Who set off the smoke alarm?
- Sorry, not us!
Any course--
- Hey, what are you doing with that?
- Oh! Oh!
No, no, it's not me.
Uh, look, uh, the glass,
it's still intact, you see?
(glass pings)
(alarm sounds)
- Hey, it's you!
- Help, help, help, help, help!
(alarm blaring)
(workers exclaiming)
Help, help, help, help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
(extinguisher whooshes)
("Smoke Gets in Your Eyes")
(audience laughing)
- Well, it hasn't changed
much since I was last here,
I must say.
- Oh, when was that?
- Last week.
(laughing)
But it has changed a lot
since I first came here,
many, many years ago now.
There used to be a door
over there by the bar.
That's gone now, I see.
Must be some sort of economy measure.
Still.
We're all having to
tighten our belts a little,
nowadays.
- Yes.
- It's a very large restaurant, isn't it?
Spacious.
Big.
Big, big, big, big,
big, big, big, big, big.
Very funny word isn't it, big?
It's one of those words, you know,
that if you say it enough time,
it seems to become nonsensical.
Know what I mean?
Big, big, big, big, big, big.
(audience laughing)
Bag.
Baa.
(audience laughing)
Baag.
Baa.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
Ha, right.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
It's in French.
Francais.
Only the best for a restaurant
of this caliber, of course.
Now, let's see.
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
Something there.
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
Right, are we ready to, uh,
to order?
Agh!
(audience laughing)
Um.
-[Lorraine] Um.
- Um, could I have the soup, please?
And the, uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Beef.
Soup and the beef.
- Per madame?
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(chuckling)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- The wine list, sir.
- Oh, uh, could we just
have some water, please?
(audience laughing)
Well, if you've got some wine there.
- May I recommend the
(speaking foreign language)
- Perhaps a carafe of white?
Do you think?
- Yes.
Yes.
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- So.
You speak French.
- Just a little.
- I thought so
Yes.
Have, uh,
have, uh,
have you ever been to France?
- Oh, yes!
My father was stationed near Toulouse!
- Oh, Toulouse!
Yes.
Very French,
Toulouse.
(audience laughing)
What, uh,
what, uh.
What does your father do?
- He's dead.
- Oh, dead.
Yes?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, d, d, oh, dead!
Dead!
Oh, d, d.
Oh, dead!
Oh, how-a, how-a, how-a
how, how, how-a,
how, how,
how, how-a,
how, how, how did he die?
(audience laughing)
- W, uh, well, he was
drowned, actually.
- Oh, drowned.
Yes?
(laughing)
Right.
Drowned.
Like the Irish goldfish.
(laughing)
-[Man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Perry's here!
(quirky piano music)
(diners applauding)
- And a very good evenin' to you all!
Nice to see ya,
to see ya!
- Nice.
- And, well, it's, it's
nice to be here anyway.
There's nothing like a nice
place to eat, is there?
And this is nothing like
a nice place to eat.
(audience laughing)
Em, where was I?
Oh, yes.
Em, nice bit o'carpet you've got here.
Friend of mine once said to me
he had a carpet in his garden.
I said, "What, a carpet in the garden?"
He said, "Yes, a carpet in the garden."
Well, I said, "What, a
carpet in the garden?"
And, he said, "Yes, come and look."
So I went outside,
and it was just this
big hole in the ground.
And I said, "Wait, where's the carpet?"
And he said, "Well, what
do you think that is?
"I put the car in there every night."
(audience groans)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Um.
Oh, it's fun being funny, isn't it?
My father was very funny, actually.
He was a bit of a philosopher, too.
He used to say,
"Tomorrow is another day."
He used to say.
He was only wrong once.
(laughing)
(Robert laughing)
(audience laughing)
Haven't met my wife, have ya?
She won a talent spotting
competition last week
for bein' the most talented
spotty person present.
(Robert laughs)
I wouldn't say
my wife was ugly,
but we got a home improvement grant
to lock her away in the attic.
(Robert laughing)
(audience laughing)
Ya haven't seen my attic, have you?
Got a load of old masters up there.
They used to keep me after school,
so I kept them after school.
I wouldn't say my house is smelly,
but it got turned down
for a skunks' convention.
(Robert laughing)
(Dave mumbling)
She worked for Right Guard.
No, but seriously.
(Robert laughing)
(Dave mumbling)
♪ You've not gone instead ♪
♪ Excuse, dear boy ♪
♪ Can I get in as well ♪
(quirky piano music)
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(faint clapping)
- Well, that was wonderful, really.
The one about the pantry was
about the best one, I thought.
- The pantry?
- No, no, not the pantry.
The secondhand car salesman
with the tax demand.
(audience laughing)
- I don't approve of cars, actually.
I think they poison the air.
- Well, they do.
Yes.
- That's why I'm a vegetarian.
- Oh, yes?
- There's so much pollution
in the world!
- Isn't there, yes?
Bodily pollution.
- Incredible, isn't it?
- The world is just full
- Yes.
- Of pills and tablets--
- That's right.
- And drugs!
- That's right.
- And women (exhales)
just scrub floors!
- Women.
No one cares about the future!
Our children are just robots
programmed by the mass media
while a third of the world starve!
I mean, why should we eat?
- Why? Indeed, why?
- Some Indian children
have less than
you've eaten tonight--
- That's right.
in a month!
- Amazing, oh, dear.
- And what about the Concorde?
- What about Concorde, yes.
- And the lemmings!
- Lemmings, yes.
- We're all lemmings!
(audience laughing)
But soon, it will be the age of aquarius!
- Oh, yes.
Fish, that sort of thing.
(audience laughing)
- Would you like a dessert, monsieur?
Madame?
- Oh, yes.
- Uh.
- Uh, could I have an ice
cream and a coffee, please?
- Ah, coffee ice cream?
- No, ice cream and then coffee.
(audience laughing)
- Madame?
- Just a black coffee, thanks.
- Just a black coffee.
Would you like to dance, monsieur?
- Uh, no thanks.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I see!
Oh, yes!
Yes, why not?
Yes, yes, yes.
I love a little wiggle
to settle the digestion.
-[Lorraine] Fine.
- I used to dance at school, actually.
But I gave up when we
started using real women.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Um, excuse me, uh, where
do we do the dancing?
-[Lorraine] Oh!
-[Robert] Right!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat punk-rock music)
- Aren't you going to join in?
- Oh, yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
-[Lorraine] Agh!
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Robert, no.
No!
No, Robert!
Robert!
(audience laughing)
(woman exclaiming)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, there you are!
- Robert,
I'm, I'm going home!
- But the night is still young!
- No, no, it isn't.
- Oh, no, it isn't, you're right.
Um, um.
So, uh, a coffee at my place?
- No, no, really.
- A little nightcap perhaps.
- No.
- A little something on toast?
- I've already eaten!
- Haven't we all?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You...
Idiot!
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
("Rhapsodie Gentille"
by Hawkshaw and Leach)
(birds chirping faintly)
(Robert snoring)
(birds chirping)
(Robert snoring)
(audience members chuckling)
(Robert snoring)
(audience laughing)
(Robert snoring)
(audience laughing)
(Robert snoring)
(birds chirping)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat new wave music)
(audience laughing)
-[Dave] Wake up!
♪ Radio suburbia four five four ♪
It's just coming up to 7:32.
(cheesy music)
-[Posh Man] I never thought
I'd need to install a Barker Bath
until one day.
-[Man] Hoo, what a pong!
Boo, there ain't half a whiff in here!
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
- [Robert Voiceover] Well,
you must ask her today.
There aren't many nice girls about,
so for goodness sake,
get the approach right.
Above all,
be happy.
(audience laughing)
Perhaps not.
Try sad.
You've got terminal cancer,
and one year to live.
One week?
Oh, no.
Who'd go out with a sick
man for goodness sake?
Try, try quite seductive.
How are you tonight,
(audience laughing)
Lorraine?
(audience laughing)
("Mr. Blue Sky" by ELO)
♪ The sun is shinin' in the sky ♪
♪ There ain't a cloud in sight ♪
♪ It's stopped rainin' ♪
♪ Everybody's in the play ♪
♪ And don'tcha know ♪
♪ It's a beautiful new day, hey ♪
♪ Runnin' down the avenue ♪
♪ See how the sun shines
brightly in the city ♪
♪ On the streets where once was pity ♪
♪ Mr. Blue Sky is living here today ♪
♪ Hey ♪
- Mornin'!
Mornin'!
-[Milkman] Good mornin'!
- Good mornin', Mrs. Nolan.
- Mornin', Mr. Perry.
You're up with the lark.
- Oh, yes.
I've got to see my agent about a bookin'.
He wants to try me in a swish
restaurant in Camden Town.
Could be the big break, Mrs. Nolan.
- Oh, I've never been
in a Swiss restaurant.
- No, swish.
Posh.
- Oh, well, I hope you're funny.
- Oh, so do I, Mrs. Nolan.
That's what I'll be paid
for after all. (chuckles)
Well, how are you?
All right?
- Oh, not so bad.
My divorce came through this mornin'.
(audience laughing)
- Good.
Good.
- From my husband.
We've been married 45 years.
Thought we'd call it a day, though.
- Well, you certainly picked a nice one.
(audience laughing)
- Well, ya don't really need an husband
when you've got a dog.
Do ya?
(audience laughing)
- No.
No, not really.
No.
Well.
I must be off.
Bye.
(audience laughing)
-[Dave] Okay.
Now's the time to phone in your
breakfast menu suggestions.
The lines have been open since 3 a.m.,
and you must know the number by now.
♪ Five three one three
three four five nine ♪
♪ Eight seven two two five six three ♪
♪ One eight ♪
Hello, who's calling?
(radio chattering)
(razor buzzing)
Good morning, Joan.
-[Joan] Morning, Dave.
-[Dave] Are you having a
good time this morning?
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
Well, does he normally kiss you goodbye?
(razor buzzing)
(audience laughing)
-[Joan] I think he hates me.
-[Dave] You think he hates you?
- Hi.
Lorraine.
(audience laughing)
(radio chattering)
Oh, my God, look at the time!
Help!
Help, help.
Hip, hip!
(glass crashing)
Oh, uh, cup, cup, cup, cup, cup, cup!
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- This bus go to Oxfordshire?
- Does it say so on the front of the bus?
- Yeah.
- Well, get in then you silly old fool.
(audience laughing)
Make it to South Kenton.
Next?
- Charing Cross Road?
- Do you smoke?
- Yes.
- Ew.
Upstairs.
- Next?
- Sloane Square.
And I don't smoke.
- Ah, well, aren't we
the clever one then, eh?
Get in.
Next?
(speaking foreign language)
(bell ringing)
(man mumbling)
(audience laughing)
- Good mornin'!
(audience laughing)
-[Conductor] Ten, please?
- Um, Sloane Square.
- 16!
(head thudding)
(audience laughing)
16.
- That is 16.
- Only if 15 and 16 are the same number.
- Ah!
- What are you, some kinda comedian?
(audience laughing)
- Funny you should say that, actually
- 12, 13,
14,
15,
16.
(bill tearing)
(audience laughing)
(conductor mumbling)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(man laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(audience laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(audience laughing)
(case thudding)
(audience laughing)
("Music Box Dancer" by Mills)
(workers mumbling)
- Well, I think you've really got
to do something about this.
I'm fed up.
- Well, I agree.
I agree with you.
(workers mumbling)
- We've gotta make a point of (mumbles).
Otherwise, we get, we.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Be quiet.
(audience laughing)
Right.
Now, this morning,
I want to look at the root of the problem
with this department.
As far as it is capable of analysis.
One word springs to mind
as I search for this root.
That word...
Is stupidity.
(audience laughing)
Because I hear you're
complaining about pay.
Is that right?
You're saying things like,
"We are not being paid
enough." to one another.
(audience laughing)
And yet, while you say these words,
you hold in your overworked,
and underpaid hands
at least one cigarette.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
These cigarettes reveal many things.
But chiefly,
they reveal that this money
for which you are craving
is to be spent upon instruments of death
rather than of life.
How could I possibly consider giving money
to a group of people who are
clearly so hellbent on self-destruction?
(audience laughing)
- Some of us don't smoke, sir.
- Some lemmings don't
jump off cliffs, Mr. Box.
That doesn't stop the species
being generally worthy of derision.
Anyone else?
- We do feel, sir, nevertheless,
that we have some reasons
for negotiations about pay.
- Oh, that's encouraging, isn't it?
I'd hate to feel that we were here
for no purpose whatsoever.
What are these reasons?
- Well, I mean, basically, sir, we.
Ah. (clears throat)
Well, I mean, basically, sir,
uh, we feel that our
wages are below the, um,
the norm.
- Yes, well, that's easily
explained, I'm afraid.
As workers, you are below the normal.
And you are therefore paid accordingly.
Is that clear?
- Uh, yes, sir.
Yes.
- Good.
The door's the wooden thing
in the wall behind you.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing in distance)
- Well, uh, perhaps you'd like
to drop up with your stats.
I'm sure we can work
something out between us.
(typewriter typing in distance)
(audience laughing)
- Ah!
Lorraine.
- Morning, Robert.
- Um.
What, uh...
What do you do at nights?
(audience laughing)
- I, I beg your pardon?
- You know.
When, um.
When it gets dark.
(audience laughing)
- Uh.
W, well.
- I'm, you know, I'm, uh,
I'm just a little curious.
(audience laughing)
- Well,
I, uh.
- I mean, uh.
Do you, uh...
You eat at night?
Or?
Or, what?
- Well, as a rule, really yes.
- Ah-ha!
Ah, yes!
Yes!
Well, ah.
Yes, well, I do, actually,
I, I quite often go to
a pub on my way home,
have, have one of these,
these little bar things.
(audience laughing)
But, uh.
But tonight I thought
I'd really splash out
on something a lot better.
Go somewhere really nice.
- Ah.
Would you like me to join you?
- No!
No, no, no, no, no.
(audience laughing)
No, no.
No, no, don't trouble yourself.
No, it'll be, uh.
Um.
Yes.
Yes. Yes!
("Smoke Gets in Your Eyes")
If that'd be okay, yes!
We could perhaps even,
even go to the Saraceno in Camden Town.
That little,
a little Italian place
behind the (mumbles).
Actually, might be Greek.
(alarm beeping)
They number a lot of, uh,
a lot of show business personalities
amongst their clientele, apparently.
They once found a glove there
that belonged to Brian Clough.
-[Guard] Who set off the smoke alarm?
- Sorry, not us!
Any course--
- Hey, what are you doing with that?
- Oh! Oh!
No, no, it's not me.
Uh, look, uh, the glass,
it's still intact, you see?
(glass pings)
(alarm sounds)
- Hey, it's you!
- Help, help, help, help, help!
(alarm blaring)
(workers exclaiming)
Help, help, help, help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
(extinguisher whooshes)
("Smoke Gets in Your Eyes")
(audience laughing)
- Well, it hasn't changed
much since I was last here,
I must say.
- Oh, when was that?
- Last week.
(laughing)
But it has changed a lot
since I first came here,
many, many years ago now.
There used to be a door
over there by the bar.
That's gone now, I see.
Must be some sort of economy measure.
Still.
We're all having to
tighten our belts a little,
nowadays.
- Yes.
- It's a very large restaurant, isn't it?
Spacious.
Big.
Big, big, big, big,
big, big, big, big, big.
Very funny word isn't it, big?
It's one of those words, you know,
that if you say it enough time,
it seems to become nonsensical.
Know what I mean?
Big, big, big, big, big, big.
(audience laughing)
Bag.
Baa.
(audience laughing)
Baag.
Baa.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
Ha, right.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
It's in French.
Francais.
Only the best for a restaurant
of this caliber, of course.
Now, let's see.
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
Something there.
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
Right, are we ready to, uh,
to order?
Agh!
(audience laughing)
Um.
-[Lorraine] Um.
- Um, could I have the soup, please?
And the, uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Beef.
Soup and the beef.
- Per madame?
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(chuckling)
(speaking foreign language)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- The wine list, sir.
- Oh, uh, could we just
have some water, please?
(audience laughing)
Well, if you've got some wine there.
- May I recommend the
(speaking foreign language)
- Perhaps a carafe of white?
Do you think?
- Yes.
Yes.
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- So.
You speak French.
- Just a little.
- I thought so
Yes.
Have, uh,
have, uh,
have you ever been to France?
- Oh, yes!
My father was stationed near Toulouse!
- Oh, Toulouse!
Yes.
Very French,
Toulouse.
(audience laughing)
What, uh,
what, uh.
What does your father do?
- He's dead.
- Oh, dead.
Yes?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, d, d, oh, dead!
Dead!
Oh, d, d.
Oh, dead!
Oh, how-a, how-a, how-a
how, how, how-a,
how, how,
how, how-a,
how, how, how did he die?
(audience laughing)
- W, uh, well, he was
drowned, actually.
- Oh, drowned.
Yes?
(laughing)
Right.
Drowned.
Like the Irish goldfish.
(laughing)
-[Man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Perry's here!
(quirky piano music)
(diners applauding)
- And a very good evenin' to you all!
Nice to see ya,
to see ya!
- Nice.
- And, well, it's, it's
nice to be here anyway.
There's nothing like a nice
place to eat, is there?
And this is nothing like
a nice place to eat.
(audience laughing)
Em, where was I?
Oh, yes.
Em, nice bit o'carpet you've got here.
Friend of mine once said to me
he had a carpet in his garden.
I said, "What, a carpet in the garden?"
He said, "Yes, a carpet in the garden."
Well, I said, "What, a
carpet in the garden?"
And, he said, "Yes, come and look."
So I went outside,
and it was just this
big hole in the ground.
And I said, "Wait, where's the carpet?"
And he said, "Well, what
do you think that is?
"I put the car in there every night."
(audience groans)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Um.
Oh, it's fun being funny, isn't it?
My father was very funny, actually.
He was a bit of a philosopher, too.
He used to say,
"Tomorrow is another day."
He used to say.
He was only wrong once.
(laughing)
(Robert laughing)
(audience laughing)
Haven't met my wife, have ya?
She won a talent spotting
competition last week
for bein' the most talented
spotty person present.
(Robert laughs)
I wouldn't say
my wife was ugly,
but we got a home improvement grant
to lock her away in the attic.
(Robert laughing)
(audience laughing)
Ya haven't seen my attic, have you?
Got a load of old masters up there.
They used to keep me after school,
so I kept them after school.
I wouldn't say my house is smelly,
but it got turned down
for a skunks' convention.
(Robert laughing)
(Dave mumbling)
She worked for Right Guard.
No, but seriously.
(Robert laughing)
(Dave mumbling)
♪ You've not gone instead ♪
♪ Excuse, dear boy ♪
♪ Can I get in as well ♪
(quirky piano music)
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(faint clapping)
- Well, that was wonderful, really.
The one about the pantry was
about the best one, I thought.
- The pantry?
- No, no, not the pantry.
The secondhand car salesman
with the tax demand.
(audience laughing)
- I don't approve of cars, actually.
I think they poison the air.
- Well, they do.
Yes.
- That's why I'm a vegetarian.
- Oh, yes?
- There's so much pollution
in the world!
- Isn't there, yes?
Bodily pollution.
- Incredible, isn't it?
- The world is just full
- Yes.
- Of pills and tablets--
- That's right.
- And drugs!
- That's right.
- And women (exhales)
just scrub floors!
- Women.
No one cares about the future!
Our children are just robots
programmed by the mass media
while a third of the world starve!
I mean, why should we eat?
- Why? Indeed, why?
- Some Indian children
have less than
you've eaten tonight--
- That's right.
in a month!
- Amazing, oh, dear.
- And what about the Concorde?
- What about Concorde, yes.
- And the lemmings!
- Lemmings, yes.
- We're all lemmings!
(audience laughing)
But soon, it will be the age of aquarius!
- Oh, yes.
Fish, that sort of thing.
(audience laughing)
- Would you like a dessert, monsieur?
Madame?
- Oh, yes.
- Uh.
- Uh, could I have an ice
cream and a coffee, please?
- Ah, coffee ice cream?
- No, ice cream and then coffee.
(audience laughing)
- Madame?
- Just a black coffee, thanks.
- Just a black coffee.
Would you like to dance, monsieur?
- Uh, no thanks.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I see!
Oh, yes!
Yes, why not?
Yes, yes, yes.
I love a little wiggle
to settle the digestion.
-[Lorraine] Fine.
- I used to dance at school, actually.
But I gave up when we
started using real women.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Um, excuse me, uh, where
do we do the dancing?
-[Lorraine] Oh!
-[Robert] Right!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat punk-rock music)
- Aren't you going to join in?
- Oh, yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
-[Lorraine] Agh!
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Robert, no.
No!
No, Robert!
Robert!
(audience laughing)
(woman exclaiming)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, there you are!
- Robert,
I'm, I'm going home!
- But the night is still young!
- No, no, it isn't.
- Oh, no, it isn't, you're right.
Um, um.
So, uh, a coffee at my place?
- No, no, really.
- A little nightcap perhaps.
- No.
- A little something on toast?
- I've already eaten!
- Haven't we all?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You...
Idiot!
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
("Rhapsodie Gentille"
by Hawkshaw and Leach)