Camp Wedding (2019) - full transcript

[FOOTSTEPS RUSTLING]

To live a life free of sin,
it is not enough to follow the rules.

The moral and just answers to life's
difficult questions lie within you.

And you'll find ways to ignore them, to
twist them, to serve your selfish desires

but deep down you
know what is correct.

JAMES 4:17, "If you do not do what
you know is right, you have sinned."

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DARK DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You do realize
your venue has a past.

Everything has a past.

No, I mean like a past.



Like little did they know,
200 years ago...

[MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS]

In a relationship? Alexis?

- Oh shit, sorry,
- [MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

I didn't realize
you'd get a notification.

I didn't mean to
upstage your wedding, Mia.

Are you kidding?

Gore, like that post.

Who's the guy?

Totally stalking him.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

Hello, Danny Ralston.

Cute.

[SINISTER MUSIC]



[KEYPAD POPPING]

You guys are hilarious.

Gore, are you going to
post anything funny for me?

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[KEYPAD POPPING]

I'm really happy for you.

Sorry, was that super dramatic?

Sometimes I forget how
to interact with real people.

#momproblems.

More like #everyoneproblems.

- Totally posting that.
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

[SINISTER MUSIC]

- [REMINDER BELL RINGING]
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

Oh shit,
it's grapefruit time, Gore.

Grapefruit time?

It's for the
Bride Boheme Cleanse.

Mmm, it was on
the man of honor checklist.

I must have missed that email.

[MIA SIGHS]
[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

There were a lot of emails.

Man of honor fail.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- Was that it?
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

Okay, you're not navigating.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Sorry,
I was posting a humorous comment

on Alexis's profile for you.

Oh, okay, right, you're using
the OkCupid app to do that.

- Okay sorry, I went on like four dates yesterday and...
- Four?

Yeah,
it's like sending out resumes.

And no one's gotten back to me.

It's just very surprising.

Camp Pocumtuck.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

It was a steal on Airbnb
and we're their first wedding.

You booked a
summer camp on Airbnb?

[MIA] You can
book anything on Airbnb.

"Electronic devices
will not be tolerated."

Is this place Amish?

[MIA] I think it's so
the kids can experience nature.

"Inter-camper liaisons
will not be tolerated."

- [GIGGLES] Stupid.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]

"Gum chewing, gambling,
and public nudity

will not be tolerated."

Interesting assortment.

"Drugs and alcohol
will not be tolerated."

Sorry, Camp Putuck, I didn't pump three-days'
worth of breast milk to stay sober.

[CHUCKLING] Well, I for one am gonna
have a serious inter-camper liaison.

- Oh yeah.
- With Dalvaro.

And I expect all of
your electronic devices

to be posting up a
storm to #MiaCampWedding.

[BIRD CAWING]

- Should I add #whatadivadoes?
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

Oh no, that's just my personal
one. It's for my opera posts.

Are we finally going to get to
hear you sing at the talent show?

Uhm, I haven't worked with
my voice teacher for a while.

Oh, I forgot to
mention that the service

is really kind of sketchy
so posts and texts will work

but phone calls
really won't work.

Text Scott.

Can't do
Jefferson bedtime story.

Wasn't informed there
was no service, ellipses.

It was in
the bridal party email.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- [CAMERA CLICKING]
- Oh.

[PAULETTE] Please delete that.

I can't. It's a Polaroid.

Then just burn it and
you won't owe me for the cab.

[CHUCKLES] Oh man.

Mia's Kickstarter video
was badass but it's better IRL.

You should pay for
your wedding yourself.

But it's the
crowdfunding that made it

a Bride Boheme Special Feature.

Mia really nailed
the cross-promotion.

Wow,
this Mia sounds pretty amazing.

- Whoa, you haven't met Mia?
- Nope.

But I thought you were
the groom's best friend.

Mmm hmm.

[CAR RUSTLING]

Oh shit they're coming!
I got to hide.

- Here first hold my gum.
- Oh.

Okay.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Oh, oh my gosh.

It's so dilapidated. I love it.

Okay, so we have a
few wedding prep things

and then we can enjoy
the outdoorsy bachelorette fun.

Oh sorry we couldn't do a girls' night
in the city, honey. Our schedules just...

It's okay. This is going
to be way better, you guys.

I didn't want one of those
obnoxious bachelorette parties.

Oh let the
bachelorette-palooza begin.

[MIA SHOUTING]

And hi!

Oh, Eileen, my friend from...

- Community Theater, yeah.
- Community Theater.

- You took forever.
- Oh.

- Oh!
- Oh, thank you so much for including me.

Oh, thank you for
coming all this way.

Hi.

Hi.

Paulette,
it's really nice to meet you.

[EILEEN] Man of honor.

[GORE] Oh, you know who I am.

- Yeah.
- I, okay.

And this one's for you.

Thank you.

And the biggest
and the brightest.

Let's get this party started.

I've got your favorite,
Bloody Eight fixings.

- And penis straws.
- Oh my gosh, that sounds really great.

I was just thinking that we were
gonna get some lunch.

And then we have a
brief production meeting

in, you know, 20 minutes.

So, um maybe later.

- Babe, your...
- [GENTLE MUSIC]

I bet.

[MIA LAUGHING]

All right, smile, you guys.

- It's my first #MiaCampWedding.
- [CAMERA CLICKING]

- Okay, so good. All right.
- Some info, this is yours.

Here you are.

Here you go.

Take this one, Gore.

- Alrighty, so I think.
- [GORE WHISTLING]

Everybody's almost done lunch.

Well, I'm sorry,
I know you said everything

would be gluten free,
but since you don't have

a gluten-free kitchen, I
didn't want to take any chances.

All this is supposed
to be accomplished today?

No, no, just the Friday to do.

Yeah, I'm referring to the Friday to do.
It's really not that much.

I mean, we just have to get the
playhouse ready for the talent show.

And then we need to get the cabins
done for the guests. -[BIRD CAWING]

Not going to take that long.
And then we're gonna come back here,

we're gonna arrange some
tables, throw up some lights,

and we're going
to have so much fun.

Oh, I almost forgot,
we have butterfly nets

so like if you happen to be
prepping and you find a butterfly,

'cause we're going to have
a butterfly release.

[GASPS] Oh my God.

- Let's do this!
- I get it.

It's a plantation
wedding really.

[DOOR CLATTERING]

Guys, this is how weddings work.

I mean, we didn't have to throw her
a shower or a bachelorette party.

And she let us pick out
whatever dress we wanted.

- Hmm, as long as it was pink.
- [PAULETTE SLURPING]

Hey, you know she would
be just as ridiculous

- about helping us with our weddings.
- We eloped.

I mean, let's just suck it up

and help make
her dream come true.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[LIVELY MUSIC]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- [BOSS] Nice pic on Facebook.

I did not approve this vacation.

- Hey, how's it coming?
- Hey.

Great.

Okay, so are all
the other cabins done?

Did you split
them up with Paulette?

No. I was just getting
this one wrapped up

and then I was going to go over
to the next one and get going.

- So, none of the other cabins are done.
- No.

Okay, where is Paulette?

I don't know.

[DOOR CLATTERING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

"Meet me tonight in
the clearing across the lake."

I want you to be my first kiss.

"Chuck."

[WHIMPERS]

[GASPS]

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[DALVERO] We need to talk. Meet by the
camp entrance tonight after bedtime.

[SIGHS]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[PULSING MUSIC]

Oh my God!

You have to see this.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

Yeah, what happened
to the chair rental?

- This camp was intense.
- [DARK EERIE MUSIC]

Yeah, that's crazy.

Can you clear the stage
and cover whatever that is?

And you can figure out the whole
lighting, sound situation, right?

Sure.

All right, okay.

Oh, so it's time for canoeing?

Yeah,
just come whenever you're done.

[GORE SIGHS]

- [BOARD THUDDING]
- [DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[DANNY] I'm so hungry for you.

[SCOTT] Jefferson's only
allergic to hazelnuts, right?

- [BULBS CLINKING]
- Fuck, sorry.

- No, my fault. Nothing broke?
- No, we're good.

- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- [DANNY] Get over here.

We only have the weekend
before my girlfriend

gets back from that wedding.

- [BULBS SHATTERING]
- Fuck! [GRUNTS]

Sorry, just got a weird text message.
I'm just gonna have to find service.

Okay, but if you see
any pretty wildflowers,

can you bring them
and then you...

[DOORS CLATTERING]

[MIA SIGHS]

Dom.

Dom.

[GRUNTS] 13.

Oh hey, oh it was 14.

How are the cabins going?

Yeah, actually I'm all done.
We going to canoe?

Yeah. So maybe you could
help Eileen with her cabin

'cause she's falling behind.

Okay, and you're going to...

I got to do high
intensity interval training

every three hours
to reduce water weight

and flush my skin.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Paulette?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Text Scott.

Walnuts, exclamation point.

Is Jefferson all right,
question mark.

Fucking text me back, period.

[BIRD CAWING]

Call Scott.

- [EERIE MUSIC]
- [WIND HOWLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE BUZZING]

[BRANCH CRACKING]

[MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[TINKLING MUSIC]

- We'll catch up tomorrow.
- [MIA SIGHS]

- Are you sure your text went through?
- Yeah, I am.

Are you sure nobody's
seen Flynn since before dinner?

Maybe she's looking
for a gluten-free kitchen.

[GORE CHUCKLES]

You guys, she gets really sick.

That's why I got
gluten-free everything.

Wait,
these are gluten-free s'mores?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Oh, Jesus!

Oh thank God.

I need to use the van to get
somewhere with service, okay?

Scott has Jefferson's
nut allergies confused.

Is he okay?

Scott's not getting back to me

and I'm supposed
to call him at bedtime

and I've never
been away from him.

I'm just the
only designated driver

and I just got Lasik so I'm
not allowed to drive at night

for like a month and,
but if you need to make a call...

You got Lasik?

Yeah. Dalvero got it
for me as a surprise

so I can go
water skiing in Cancun.

- [ALL] Oh.
- [FLYNN SIGHS]

You could walk to Bufflehorn.

It's just 7.8 miles.

[GRUNTS] Fuck it.

It's your weekend.

He'll be fine.
I just need to trust.

Are you going to be okay?
Did you get dinner?

I had some flax chips.

Oh my God, you must be starving.

The s'mores are gluten-free.

Yeah, they're
right out of the package.

They weren't in my kitchen,
just here.

Take mine. It's not part of
the Bride Boheme Cleanse.

Now that we're all here,

maybe a little sneak
peak into the talent show?

[ANIMALS WARBLING EERILY]

Summer 1985, Camp Pocumtuck.

A picture of youthful innocence

until it is deflowered by death!

Wait, are you part
of the talent show?

Yeah.

Ghost story, summer camp.

- Too tropey?
- Yeah.

But it's true.
I did the research.

As did I. It was
a social experiment gone awry.

[EERIE MUSIC]

That's pretty obvious.

But did you know
that the girl drowned

because she was
struck by lightning?

- [AIR WHOOSHING]
- Odd.

Wait, what are they
talking about?

There was just
some unrest in the '80s.

A camper drowned,
it was an accident.

And honestly,
in the history of a camp,

one death, it's kind of amazing.

This is also the
location of an Indian massacre.

[DRAMATIC OMINOUS MUSIC]

And there were some
witch trials up the road.

- [DRAMATIC OMINOUS MUSIC]
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]

Nothing Salem level
but some girls got immolated.

[FIRE SNAPPING]

Wait, is someone else
doing horror spoken word?

No, they're not
but I think maybe

you should try something
else a little less maudlin.

Like what did
you decide to sing?

[CLEARS THROAT]
"Battle Hymn of the Republic."

What, you said it
had to be rights free

because of Bride Boheme
taking video

but it's difficult to
find public domain songs

and have time to rehearse
when you're a mom, okay?

And I just sang it
for Jefferson's 1776 party.

Why don't you guys
sing that together?

[CRUNCHING]

Are these handmade marshmallows?

Yeah, they're from that
great little place in my hood.

All marshmallows
are gluten-free.

- I checked.
- [SPITS] No!

All mass-produced ones are
but some of the handmade ones

use flour in the process.

[SPITTING]

Oh my God! [SPITTING]

- Oh my God!
- What the fuck is that?

Vodka.

Wheat or potato-based?

Cheap.

It's okay.

I'll know in a couple of hours.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- Another one.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

No green piles still?

- Flynn!
- Oh shit, my tolerance is gone.

Guys, help me drink all this
gluten-free beer so it's a fair fight.

Oh, got enough of this.

[MIA] Bride Boheme Cleanse.

- I'm okay.
- [BOTTLES CLANKING]

You're refusing alcohol?

Are you pregnant?

[GORE GRUNTING]

- Flick fly.
- Oh, fuck!

Ah ha ha ha ha.

[ALEXIS] Should we see if Eileen
and Paulette want to play?

Can we discuss
Eileen and Paulette?

Yeah. I know Paulette's.

Dalvero's weird
college friend but Eileen.

I accidentally invited Eileen.

[GORE SIGHS]

♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

[BOSS] Not going to sugarcoat this.

You're fired.

[EILEEN SIGHS]

so autocorrect
thinking I typed in Flynn's name

and now she thinks
she's a bridesmaid so, yeah.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

[WATER SPLASHING]

- [PAULETTE SIGHING]
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

[PAULETTE VOICEOVER]
Can you be more specific

than camp entrance
and after bedtime?

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[PERSON CLATTERING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Shit, fuck, whore.

Oh, fuck I miss swearing.

Are you guys
getting baby pressure yet?

Yeah, ever since
we announced the date.

Fuckety fuck fuck!

But, you know, it's just
for the taxes in other words.

[SPUTTERS] Everything changes.

Shit!

It's like a mortgage.

You sure he's a safe investment?

Yeah,
what does that mean, Alexis?

- Blitz.
- Mother of God, shit, whore!

Fuck you.

I... [CRYING]

I got to take five.

- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [TENSE RHYTHMIC MUSIC]

Wow, you just let
her have that fantasy?

She thought you two were
having a fren-a-ssance.

[SCOFFS] Should have let
the poor girl off the hook.

- [EERIE MUSIC]
- [WIND WHOOSHING]

What, it's a long story. I mean, if anybody
was supposed to apologize, it's her.

[ALEXIS] You guys, blitz pile.

There are these guys
with these scary fucking masks

out in the woods!

[CRYING]

- Couldn't they just be other Airbnb renters?
- No, I booked the whole camp.

I guess the escaped
convicts that are going to rape

and murder us didn't book
their crime scene on Airbnb.

Were the strippers not a joke?

Oh, you would've killed me.

You hate all
flavors of exploitation.

- [KNOCKING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

Gluten-free knife, just in case.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Fuck this!
- [LAUGHING]

- What the fuck?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, boo.

You were
supposed to come tomorrow.

My fault,
I had Jack drive us up.

Dalvero didn't even know.

Yeah, well he knew
he was wearing a mask

to scare the shit out of us.

It was really
poor judgment on our part.

But this way we can
help you first thing tomorrow.

Hey.

Oh, hey, you made it.

Shocked?

I'm Trask, groomsman.

Sorry if you all
thought I was a murderer.

This is Jack,
best man, designated driver.

And you all know Dalvero.

Uh, sorry to
psychologically molest you all.

Hi, I'm Eileen.

I'm not supposed to be here

but I'm just going with it.

Okay, I think we
should all just go to bed

because we have a
very big day tomorrow.

- The big day, boo.
- [MIA CHUCKLES]

Sweet dreams.

[DALVERO] Come on, Jack.

- Oh, mother of God.
- Who is Trask?

He's one of
Dalvero's douchey work friends.

He's really not that sexy.

Bride blindness,
he's everything.

Okay, lights out, all right?

We kind of got a
lot to do tomorrow.

- He's kind of too much.
- No such thing.

Mia, what team?

[SPUTTERING] Straight
guys don't look like that.

Oh, Flynn, welcome to
the decade of CrossFit.

I'll take one for the team

and propose some
inter-camper liaisons.

[FLYNN GIGGLING]

Dalvero mentioned he had a wife.

He could be bi.

- And polyamorous.
- Well, what about Jack? You guys seemed to have

a little moment there and you bonded over
hating Tom Hanks at my engagement party.

And we made out
and he never responded

to my follow-up text.

Bridal Yenta fail.

Anyway I've moved
on to Traskier things.

Who doesn't love Tom Hanks?

Good night.

[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Well,
he said he'd text me but...

Oh, pull
the fucking reigns on that.

If you like him, text him.

- It's late.
- Fuck late.

Late's hot.

Late's desperate.

Ignore the man who
hasn't dated since high school.

I am very happily married.

That was before
apps and texting.

Dating is like espionage now.

I'll get intelligence from Mia.

Fuck, I'm out.

[LAUGHING] Good night.

Come on, one more round.

[HANDS THUDDING]

I can bet a professional
lap dance worth $55.

- It's how I paid for my MBA.
- Off!

It's your last night of freedom.
Taste the magic.

- Go the fuck to sleep.
- On the house then.

Show them my loyalty to you
and the bank knows no bounds.

Stop kissing ass. You'll get VP.

[JACK SIGHS]

You're really
stiff for this guy.

Ah shit.

Best man speech.

Come with me.
I got just the thing.

[FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING]

The fucking outdoors!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Re-trip,
then you do your speech.

Tomorow'll be easy.

Genius, right?

I've never actually uh... Oh.

Virgin territory.

[JACK CHUCKLING]

Okay, electronic devices
will not be tolerated.

Please.

There's so much to do.

You friends with
Trask on Facebook?

Powering down.

Dalvero's substance abuse issues

are well known to his friends.

He is literally addicted to substance.
[CHUCKLES]

[TRASK LAUGHING]

He binges podcasts.

Terry Gross is his celeb crush.

And he'd donate a
kidney to Noam Chomsky.

[LAUGHING]
I'm going to pee in my pants.

[TENSE MUSIC] When I get back you're
totally going to sext that Gore dude.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[TRASK VOICEOVER]
Hey, it's Trask.

Want to meet at the playhouse?

- [ALEXIS VOICEOVER] You are not Trask.
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

- Who are you?
- [SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

- [MESSAGE VIBRATING]
- [TRASK] Trask. What the fuck?

Got your number
off Mia's contact sheet.

You are so my thing.

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

I'm waiting.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[DOOR SQUEAKING]

Trask?

[FAN SCREECHING]

[GRUNTS] What am I doing?

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Nice catch, sir. Bring
my mask and a couple of zip ties

and meet me on the
other side of the lake.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[GORE VOICEOVER] Trask?

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Duh.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[GORE VOICEOVER] How
did you get my number?

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Contact sheet.

Not as bright
as you are handsome.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[GORE VOICEOVER]
That's a mildly creepy request.

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Creepy equals sexy.

Keep on the DL, duh.

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

Hurry.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK]
You're on the pill, right?

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[ALEXIS VOICEOVER]
No, but it's not an issue.

- [KEYPAD CLICKING]
- Yep.

- [SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MIA GASPING]

[KEYPAD CLICKING] -[MIA VOICEOVER]
Boo, can you pick me up

some grapefruits ASAP?

Gore failed.

- [SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]
- [MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[INSTAGRAM] AlexisG77
posted to #MiaCampWedding.

[KEYPAD CLICKING] Hey,
what's with the scary selfie

and where are you?

[EERIE MUSIC]

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

Gore, Go...

What the fuck?

- Shit.
- What's wrong?

Where's alcoholic girl?

[FLYNN GROANING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Flynn?

Ah.

[GRUNTS]

[SPRAY HISSING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Hey.

Definitely wheat-based
vodka, sorry.

It's quite the shit show.
Did I wake you guys?

We're the only ones
left in the cabin.

Why would she sully up
my feed with this?

- Aye.
- [EILEEN LAUGHING]

I'm just going to say
what we're all thinking.

This is not a selfie.

Someone else took this pic.

Someone psychopathic.

That's what we're all thinking?

[EILEEN SCOFFS]

Alexis used to be goth, okay?

She's probably just doing
some like bachelorette

- haunted house thing.
- Is this her stuff?

Hey, that is her stuff. Come on.

I'm looking for a clue.

[PILLS RATTLING]

- Jackpot.
- Wait, no.

- These are prenatal vitamins.
- [EILEEN SCOFFS]

Do you think she's pregnant?

Uh, she refused that beer.
That's a first.

Or she's trying to get pregnant.

Maybe she was
cheating with the psychopath

and she thought he was a full-
service sperm donor until...

[SCREECHING]

Oh my God. Okay.

Let me just go
check the boys' cabin

in case they're not sleeping.

[PILLS RATTLING]

- [WATER SPLASHING]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Where are you?

Starting to not feel this.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[DOOR CREAKING]

[MIA] Boo?

[FLYNN] Where are they?

- Oh, I asked him to run an errand.
- [FLYNN] Now?

Oh, he picked up my dress
after the bachelor party.

I'll be right back.

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[MIA] You guys at the store?

Alexis posted this.

Can't find her.

Is Trask with you?

[TRASK] Jack, where are you?
[VOICE ECHOING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MIA] You guys at the store?

Alexis posted this.

Can't find her.

Is Trask with you?

- Is this happening?
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

[EERIE MUSIC]

Hey.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GRUNTS] Jesus!

[DALVERO VOICEOVER] Yeah,
boo, be back in a jiff.

I'll text him
to look for Alexis.

And is Gore not
into Jack or what?

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[TRASK] Come deeper into the woods, put on
the mask, and zip tie yourself to a tree.

I'll find you.

[CANOE SCRAPING]

[MESSAGE VIBRATING]

[MIA] Man of honor, need you.

Where are you?

[EERIE MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Alexis's phone
must've just died.

And your best gay?

Caustic drunk girl.

What was it, a phone massacre?

[MESSAGE ALERT TINKLING]

[INSTAGRAM] Gore&More
posted to #MiaCampWedding.

Trask is
flaunting his conquests.

Trask?

Who was everything to Gore.

And whose genetic makeup would you
want for a child? -[FLYNN GRUNTS]

He's some nympho psycho, so
bathed in unexamined privilege.

This is just sport to him.

Well, that's an airtight theory.

Gore was acting
pretty desperate though.

And prenatals?

She wanted a baby bad.

They could both be
out there still alive

just bleeding out somewhere.

How are you
even getting service?

I've been trying to
text Scott all night.

We need to call the police.

Man of honor fail
is an inside joke

and Gore was
probably in on the prank.

We'll just wait
for them to scare me

and then I will kill them.

- You're not looking to come with us, are you?
- No.

I should stay
with my friend here.

Are you going to be okay?

[KNIFE CLINKING]

I'll be fine.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Alexis! Gore!

Shh, turn that thing off.

We need to be stealth.

Okay, I can't see.

Your eyes will adjust.

[DOOR CREAKING]

- [EILEEN SIGHING]
- Coast is clear.

While we're here,
we could just finish the...

Stealth.

People are coming tomorrow.

- To a blood bath.
- [MIA SIGHS]

[FLYNN VOICEOVER] Recovering from an
accidental glutening. Hydration is key.

Reach for
electrolyte-rich beverages

such as coconut water.

[GRUNTING]

[CAP CLATTERING]

- [MESSAGE ALERT TINKLING]
- [FLYNN GULPING]

[SCOTT] He didn't make it.

So sorry.

[FLYNN SPITTING]

[PANTING]

[FLYNN CRYING]

[MESSAGE ALERT TINKLING]

[MAN] You're next.

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

- [DOOR CREAKING]
- [TENSE PULSING MUSIC]

Mia! Mia!

Mia!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[PAULETTE VOICEOVER] If you're
afraid to talk about this wedding,

it's obviously a mistake.

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Jesus!

Oh, hey.

Are you okay?

Amazing.

What are you doing out here?

I needed some fresh air.

You?

I, uh, gave the best man
shrooms to calm his nerves,

but it freaked him out
and now I can't find him.

You gave him
shrooms to calm his nerves?

[SIGHS] For tomorrow
not like right now.

You don't have any pot?

I thought that would have been
better right before his speech.

So you do have pot.

[MATTRESS RUSTLING]

Oh, maybe we could smother
Trask with one of these.

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

Oh, is that how you yawn?

[BINDER THUDDING]

You're like a big
opera singer now, right?

- I love that #whatadivadoes.
- Thanks.

I just looked at your profile
every once in a while

- to see what you're up to.
- [TENSE MUSIC]

Yeah, sorry about not accepting
your friend request yet.

I just got really
busy with the wedding,

so, you know, haven't had...

[GASPS] Oh my gosh.

This camp is so
adorbs and so un-PC.

"Retarded"?

What decade did
these kids come from?

[MIA] I don't know. I think they
haven't had campers for a while.

[DALVERO] At your cabin.

Where you at?

Oh my gosh.

This could be a trap.

We should get Flynn's knife

and take one of
these mattresses.

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[PAULETTE] If you're afraid
to talk about this wedding,

it's obviously a mistake.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MIA] Eileen's cray. She is
going to ruin the wedding.

- Can you take care of her?
- [KEYPAD CLICKING]

[DALVERO VOICEOVER] You
mean like be really nice to her

- so she's not so cray?
- [SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MIA] No, not nice.

[KEYPAD CLICKING] -[DALVERO
VOICEOVER] Like, scare her away?

[SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MIA] Fine. Fine.

[MIA SIGHS]

Fine.

Fine!

[KEYPAD CLICKING] -[DALVERO VOICEOVER]
Not sure I'm down with this plan.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

So I'll scare her, okay?

[ALERT TAPPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[MIA] Thank you for contacting.

How to Be Your Best Diva.

Email's really the
best way to reach me.

#whata... [KEYPAD CLICKING]

- [TRASK] Dalvero's totally sprung for that girl.
- [PAULETTE] Mm-m.

He wouldn't even go in
the vicinity of a strip club.

[SIGHS] That's not sprung.

- That's whipped.
- [MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING]

Am I interrupting something?

No, um, no.

So what are you doing right now?

Getting some fresh air,
remember?

[TRASK CHUCKLING]

I'm going to show you something.

[PAULETTE GRUNTS]

Fucking hell.

Fucking outdoors, right?

[BRANCHES CRACKING]

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Shit.

Where the fuck are we going?

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Follow me.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[DIAL CLACKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- [CAR RATTLING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[REFRIGERATOR RATTLING]

[DALVERO] Jack?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Jack?

[JACK PANTING]

Gore?

[EERIE MUSIC]

Jack, what are you doing?

Shit.

Jack?

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

Oh, yeah.

He got her.

Maybe she was chopping something

and she cut herself.

Are you high?

Either Trask or
your husband-to-be

or both or someone else
is killing everyone.

But we haven't found a body.

That's beet juice.

- [EILEEN SCOFFS]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

Everyone is missing. We need to find
a landline and call 9-fucking-1-1.

Unless you want to deliver your
vows to a room full of coffins.

If you would like to explain creepy
selfies to 9-1-1, be my guest.

I'm going to go find Dalvero and I'm
going to sort this whole thing out.

- I don't want you to die!
- Oh, you're

wrinkling the dress.

[EILEEN PANTING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

- [MAN] You're next.
- [REFRIGERATOR RATTLING]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[EILEEN VOICEOVER] You're next.

Hey, boo boo.

Dalvero.

Where the fuck is everybody?

[SIGHS]

[ZIPPER ZIPPING]

[HOLLY] Hey, Mia.
I've been trying to call you all day.

Your fiancé picked up the
wrong dress from the tailor.

But amazingly, this dress
is very close to your size

and should just fit barring any deviation
from your diet and exercise regime.

My deepest
apologies for the mishap.

- Holly.
- [MIA SIGHS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MIA SCREAMING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[OPERATOR] 9-1-1,
where's your emergency?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Now who's next?

[GASPS] You're alive!

Funny.

[PANTING] Okay.

You faked your own death
to throw us off.

Genius.

[CHUCKLES] Except beet juice?

Cut the bull.

- Is my son alive?
- [TENSE MUSIC]

Frame me all you want.

You're the one who
disappeared for hours

clearly to set traps for us.

Are you even gluten-free?

I have celiac disease.

What did
accomplice do to my son?

[GRUNTS] Do you
even have a child?

Or is it like you
invented an imaginary son

to get attention and
now your fantasy is crumbling

and you have to
kill off everyone by...

[TENSE MUSIC]

[SHELVES SCRAPING]

- [MIA GRUNTING]
- [INSECT CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [BED CLATTERING]

[SCREAMING]

[FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING]

[TRASK]
What'd I tell you, right?

Wow.

You got any more weed?

Oh, I got some good shit

like you died
and went to heaven.

I'm pretty sure

- I wouldn't like heaven.
- [BELT CLANKING]

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting comfortable.

It's a hot night,
don't you think?

Wow. Does like say hello to my
package normally work for you?

[SCOFFS] No.

You should be
like way more dominant.

[GRUNTS]

Better?

Kind of.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[MIA SIGHS]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[ANNIE] Hey,
sorry for the super late notice,

but we can't
make it to the wedding.

The car broke down and it won't
be fixed till next week. Sad face.

[MIA VOICEOVER] I already put in
the headcount to the caterers.

Can't you rent a car?
That is so rude.

- [SENT MESSAGE WHOOSHING]
- [FOOT THUDDING]

Gee.

Sorry.

Are you all right?

Alexis?

Alexis?

Girl, you got... what are you...

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [TENSE PULSING MUSIC]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[CAR RUMBLING]

[MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING]

[MIA]
Come to the playhouse ASAP.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[PANTING] Oh God.

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE BEEPING]

Come on, come on!

[PHONE RINGING]

[SPUTTERING]

Come on, come on.

- [MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]
- [TINKLING MUSIC]

[MAN] Hide the body. No one can
know or there'll be more.

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[EERIE MUSIC]

Shit.

What the fuck?

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[QUEENA] Great news.
The videographer was approved.

Can you just
resend me the camp address?

Can't seem to find it.

- See you tomorrow.
- What?

- Uh, do.
- [MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MAN] Hide it now!

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[THUDDING MUSIC]

[CANOE SCRAPING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[SCARY MUSIC]

[CANOE SCRAPING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Jack!

Trask, what the hell, man?

Gore?

What's going on?

Is this some kind of game?

I know Mia has
been kind of intense

with the wedding prep
and the man of honor checklist.

She BBC'd me.

But she really
just wants this to be

a wonderful
experience for everyone.

Uh, look, I know
you've known her half her life

and I'm just some guy
in a long line of guys.

I don't really want to know how
long so please don't tell me.

But seriously I'd
do anything for her.

I know you would, too.

I mean, if you were straight,
you would probably be marrying her.

So, yeah,
I feel some competition there

but I also think
of you as a friend.

I hope you think
of me as one, too.

And maybe this is premature,
but if we decide to have kids,

we're thinking
you'd be the godfather.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Gore?

[EERIE MUSIC]

[TRASK] I'm just like
trying to be sure what...

- [PAULETTE] No more talking. No more talking.
- All right.

- What are going to do?
- This is feeling much...

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Fuck!

[PAULETTE] Fuck!

What the fuck?

[SCARY MUSIC]

- [MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]
- Jesus.

[INSTAGRAM] TraskMan
posted to #MiaCampWedding.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[SINGING IN OPERA]

- Oh.
- What the crap was that?

I read a story about an
opera singer who got mugged

and then she sang a crazy high
note and then he ran away.

Well, we're all safe now, okay? Eileen was behind
everything but I locked her in the fridge.

Wait, what? But Eileen was
with us the whole time.

Yes, I know. She must've done
it all before we got up

and then posted
the photos later.

I even found
her Polaroid camera.

Oh my God.

Is that your dress?

No.

Dalvero picked up the wrong one.

Shit, sorry.

- Is that why you needed me here ASAP?
- Yes.

Sorry, but I need to
check on Jefferson, okay?

You don't mind if I
take Dalvero's car to Brooklyn?

Are you sure that
he's in imminent danger?

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

And then seconds later...
[KEYPAD CLICKING]

- Whoa.
- Right?

Okay, do you think that
there is also a killer here?

Killer?

Is someone dead?

No, no.

No, just the selfies.

Eileen probably roofied them.

Who knows what she's capable of.

She was
projecting her crimes on me.

It's just all so sick and weird.

- I should have told her about the email mix-up.
- Don't blame yourself.

This country is a disaster when
dealing with mental illness.

Okay, I'm going to go
find service and call 9-1-1.

You just stay here and
wait for the police, okay?

[GENTLE MUSIC]

- [MESSAGE ALERTS BEEPING]
- [REFRIGERATOR RATTLING]

[EILEEN CRYING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory ♪

♪ Of the coming the Lord ♪

♪ He has Trampled out the vintage ♪

♪ Where the grapes of wrath
Are stored ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[FITBIT] Congratulations. You've
had your most active day yet.

- Way to go.
- [MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[DALVERO] Hey,
why'd you run from me?

I need your help with Gore.

I think he's really hurt.

Meet me at the canoes.

[PAULETTE GASPING]

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

Shit!

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

One, two,
three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten.

- [PHONE BEEPING]
- Oh! Okay.

[DALVERO] Hey, big favor, can you meet
Paulette by the camp entrance and give her

that lap dance and more?
She needs to chill the fuck out.

[TRASK] For real?

Not cheating on my wife.

[DALVERO] Guess
you're not ready to be VP.

[PANTING] What?

- [MESSAGE BEEPING]
- Oh my...

[MAN] Hide the body.

No one can know
or there'll be more.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Oh, um.

[GRUNTS]

[ZIPPER ZIPS]

[GUN CLICKING]

Why?

[MESSAGE BEEPING]

[MAN] Hide it now.

[DOOR THUDDING]
♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[DALVERO] Shit.

[CANOE THUDDING]

[DALVERO GRUNTING]

Oh fuck, oh fuck.

[MESSAGE BEEPING]

[PANTING]

[MIA] Uh, sorry, Gore thought

he was supposed to scare you.

Eileen's in the cafeteria.

[KEYPAD CLICKING] -[DALVERO]
So I'll scare her, okay?

[PHONE THUDDING]

[PANTING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[MESSAGE BEEPING]

[EILEEN] Should have cut
me when you had the chance.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[EILEEN]
♪ The fateful lightning ♪

♪ Of his terrible swift sword ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

- ♪Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
- [CART CLATTERING]

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth ♪

[DALVERO] Leave this place.

[FEET THUDDING]

[SHELVES CREAKING]

[SHELVES CLATTERING]

- [LIQUID DRIPPING]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

Where the fuck are you going?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[QUEENA] Please
send that address ASAP.

The crew needs to
get up there early.

[KEYPAD CLICKING] -[MIA VOICEOVER]
Sorry, it's one Pocumtuck Road,

Hennecker-Keen,
Massachusetts, 01313.

- Can't wait to finally meet you.
- [DOOR THUDDING]

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

Oh my God, my TV dinner dream!

Wow, you can sing.

Is that your wedding dress?

Uh.

What did gluten-free tell you?

[SPUTTERS] It's called
being framed.

Where is she?

Saving her son
from your accomplice.

I don't have any friends
that would kill children for me.

Have you ever
even met this Jefferson?

Yes, several times.

[SCOFFS]
She could have rented a baby.

[SCOFFS] Jesus, Mia.

People are dying and
you're still inviting bloggers?

Nobody's dying.

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS] Oh, oh my God!

Jesus, Mia, is she okay?

- Uh...
- Have you checked her pulse?

Yeah,
I don't know how to do that.

We took CPR together.

[MAN] No one can know
or there'll be more.

Well, she's not alive.

She's your friend
and you're still trying

to make this wedding happen?

She's fine.

She just has one of
those artificial hearts

that has no pulse.

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[GPS] When possible,
make a U-turn.

When possible, make a U-turn.

What the fuck, lady?
I just made a fucking U-turn.

Jesus.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[GORE THUDDING]

Sorry.

This is me
chilling the fuck out!

What did you do to Jefferson?

- Jefferson?
- My son.

- I thought he was in Brooklyn.
- Don't fuck with me.

- What are you doing with a gun?
- It's not mine.

Oh, does it belong
to your Bloody Eight friend?

You two team up
to ruin Mia's wedding

and harvest my son's stem cells?

Nope.

What are you
doing with Dalvero's car?

I'm borrowing it.

Perfect.

Let's borrow it back to camp
and clear this whole thing up.

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[DOOR CREAKING]

[DALVERO SIGHS]

[DALVERO GROWLS]

I'm really sorry
about the email mix-up.

I should have said something.
I just gave you the wrong...

Game over, Mia.

Inviting me here
was no accident.

You wanted revenge.

Revenge for what?

"Star Search."

"Star Search" was 20 years ago.
I'm over it.

You're telling me you're not at all upset
that I didn't pick you up that morning

and you missed your audition
for the talent competition

of the late '80s, early '90s.

Yeah, your house
got hit by heat lightning

and your alarm got reset.

And you're totally fine
that I went the next day

and booked it.

We only got 1 1/4 stars.

And still managed to land a
Disney Channel Japan contract.

Okay, but that
wasn't really Disney Channel.

[DALVERO GROWLING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

And Hamlet.

What woman
wouldn't want to play Hamlet?

You didn't even
get Guildenstern.

You were just Fortinbras' wife.

[DALVERO GROWLING]

Okay, maybe I was
pissed off about that

and maybe I had to
Google what heat lightning was

- and maybe on that day.
- [DALVERO GROWLING]

The weather reports
contradict your story.

Because my story is a lie.

- Huh?
- [DRIPPING]

- [DOOR CLATTERING]
- [WOMEN SCREAMING]

[DALVERO GROWLING]

[WOMEN PANTING]

[DALVERO GROWLING]

You'll never
outrun him in that thing.

- I can't get out of this.
- [DALVERO GROWLING]

No!

[MIA SCREAMING]

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [WHEELBARROW THUDDING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SIREN BLARING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[TENSE MUSIC]

What the fuck?

[SCOFFS] When people
are freezing to death,

they figure shit out.

And you're reading
a lot into those texts.

[WHEELBARROW CREAKING]

Am I?

- [MESSAGE VIBRATING]
- [PAULETTE GROANS]

[INSTAGRAM] Dalvero
posted to #MiaCampWedding.

- [FLYNN SHOUTING]
- Stop! Get out.

- [PAULETTE GRUNTING]
- [FLYNN GRUNTING]

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Oh, shit, shit.

- [FLYNN SCREAMING]
- [PAULETTE GRUNTING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Get... Oh, my foot!

[MIA] Wait, your mom OD'd?

Disney Channel
Japan was her rehab.

1 1/4 stars is television
leprosy. I didn't book shit.

[WHEELBARROW THUDS]

- [PANTING]
- Wow.

I kind of hated you actually.

I'm sure the Wendy's
commercial didn't help.

No, no, it didn't.

I didn't even try.

I just got
scouted at the Galleria.

[MIA GRUNTS]

I've been
trying to say I'm sorry

since I found you on Facebook.

I thought the
bridesmaid email was your way

of accepting my apology.

- I suck.
- [EILEEN SIGHS]

And see, you're the one
who became a star.

I paid the karmic price.

Actually, I know that I seem
like I'm this big opera star

'cause I post on Facebook
but I'm not. [SIGHS]

Had this like
really bad vocal crisis

and now all I do is coachings.

Coachings?

Like you just teach?

- [SIREN BLARING]
- Yeah.

[GASPS] 9-1-1 traced our calls.

We're saved!

[FLYNN SHOUTING]

[CANOE RATTLING]

[JACK GRUNTING]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[WHEELBARROW RATTLING]

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

Fuckin' no way.

[FLYNN SCREAMING]

- Officer, stop.
- What the fuck?

Arrest her. She's been trying
to stop this wedding

by killing my son.

And she's in on it, too.

Mia, do you just hurt you,
are you all right?

Paulette's part
of the conspiracy.

[JACK] Hey,
have you guys seen Dalvero?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- What?

Officer, this woman
locked me in the freezer

at gluten-free knife point

and has invented a child
to mask her own insecurities.

[CLAPPING]
You guys, it's not one of us.

We saw the killer.
I knocked him out.

Why are you so sorry?

- Oh my fucking God.
- Now you three stand back away from the vehicle.

Oh my God. Mia, he has a gun.

And who the fuck are you? Because you
are certainly not an officer of the law.

Please step away
from the vehicle

and hand over your weapon.

[GUN FIRING]

[LIVELY DANCE MUSIC]

[MAN] You have the right
to remain sexy.

Oh shit, Magical Michael?

Sorry, guys, my bad.

He was supposed
to be here hours ago.

This place is hard to find.

I'm sorry, Mia, I didn't
know you were so against

the exploitation of men.

But don't you
think after a millennia

of the exploitation of women,
we should get our turn?

Is that what this is about,

an anti-marriage
feminist reprisal?

- I should probably go.
- Hey, I already paid for this online.

[MICHAEL] Yeah, not for
whatever the fuck this is.

No, no.

We need a third party
to settle this.

And how the fuck
do you turn that off?

[MICHAEL] Just a few more times.

Go for the full routine.

[MAN] Officer down to funk.

[GUN FIRING]

[SIREN BLARING]

Spread 'em.

No, no one leaves.

[FLYNN] I need to get to my son!

Who doesn't exist!

She's the killer.

[JACK] No, it's Trask.

- What?
- I saw him raping Paulette.

No, that was consensual

and there wasn't
really any penetration.

I know he didn't kill Dalvero.

I didn't mean to but...

He was attacking us with a mask.

She didn't do it.

[CRYING]

No fucking way!

[FABRIC RIPPING]

She didn't... No.

[EILEEN] Our lives
are in danger.

- I paid for 35 minutes.
- [FABRIC RIPPING]

[SIREN BLARING]

[GUN FIRING]

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [HORN BLARING]

Can we all just talk about this?

[MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING]

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS] -[INSTAGRAM]
Magic4hire posted to #MiaCampWedding.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Everyone follow me.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Inspect the body.

I bet you've been building
up your tolerance for years

just to seem like an alki loser
all the while just waiting...

Just do it.

Does anyone see a gunshot wound?

This is some JFK shit.

JFK's wound was pretty visible.

I fired a warning shot
into the air.

This is weird.

Maybe the same thing
happened to Dalvero.

I didn't kick him that hard.

Do the selfies mean you're dead?

I should have texted him.

Adorable but people are
dying without visible injuries.

Alexis didn't have any either.

You found Alexis?

I got a text from a 510 number
and it said,

"Don't tell anyone and hide
the body or there'll be more."

Wait, you never
gave me your phone number

for the contact sheet
and Dalvero has a 510 number

from Berkeley and
you probably do, too.

I got the same exact text
after Trask croaked

on top of me
except from a 617 number.

Aren't you
originally from Boston, Mia?

No, Eileen texted me,
"You're next,"

and she's the one
with the Polaroid camera.

I don't have your number.

We all got the contact sheet.

[SCOFFS] I'm not that organized.

Someone must've
hacked our numbers.

You work in tech now.

You Googled me?

Caught your Linkedln request.

I work in social media.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Well, did.

[EERIE BUZZING MUSIC]

I got fired.

[MICHAEL GROANING]

Jesus, fuck!

[MIA] Oh, oh, oh.

- Oh shit.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

I swear he didn't have a pulse.

I don't think he's alive.

- This is supernatural.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

Oh, that explains everything.

The paranormal
always explains everything.

He probably just got
knocked out, came to, and...

Is really engrossed
in a "New Yorker" article?

Mia, I did a background search on the
camp and all of the permits were expired.

- Did you book it or are we just trespassing?
- I am not that cheap.

And if they are out of date,
I'm going to ask Miriam for a discount.

Who's Miriam?

The Airbnb contact for the camp.

And the name of the girl who was
struck by lightning and drowned?

- Convenient.
- You think that she's capable of being behind all of this?

Shit, that's her last name and her
profile picture was the camp sign.

[SCARY MUSIC]

- I've seen that Walkman.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

Her spirit is probably
entrancing through his phone

and made him a slave.

Maybe if you take it away,
it'll sever the tie.

Because you've seen
this kind of thing before?

and, well, did.

Are you going to do it?

[EILEEN]
Uh, he looks pretty strong.

Yeah, I'm not going to try it,
not in this.

I say we all just
pile in Dalvero's car

and get the fuck out of here.

But if this works on him,

maybe we could
save everyone else.

Okay.

Okay, go for it.

- Oh oh.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

- [EXPLOSION BOOMING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

[INSTAGRAM MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]
Jack1138 posted to #MiaCampWedding.

[PANTING] Dalvero's car
sounds pretty good about now.

[INSTAGRAM] #MiaCampWedding.

[EERIE PIERCING MUSIC]

[EILEEN] Oh ho!

- [ALL SHOUTING]
- [PAULETTE] Follow me!

[MIA] Shouldn't we throw our phones
away so we don't get zombied?

[EILEEN] If grabbing
one's phone is stealing,

maybe tossing
our phones is littering.

We should leave where?

Fuck that! That bitch lured
us here by the Airbnb

because she obviously
has some unfinished business

that she'd clearly
like us to help her resolve.

Then why is she
killing everyone?

Dead weight, you think
they could've helped her?

Shit.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[ALL PANTING]

Where's Flynn?

She can knock.

We can't just
leave her out there.

She's safer than in here.

What are you trying to do,

trap us in the
smallest room on the planet?

Oh my God, oh my God.

[GIGGLE]

[PAULETTE]
That's why we're in here.

Do you have the key?

[PAULETTE] Fuck me.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

- [MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING]
- [MIA] Where are you?

- We're trapped.
- [EERIE MUSIC]

[MESSAGE ALERT BEEPING] -[EILEEN]
Leave now and Mia's toast.

[MESSAGE ALERTS BEEPING]

[MULTIPLE VOICES OVERLAPPING]
You're next!

[SIREN BLARING]

[MIA] Would be amazingly
lucky if we just found the key.

Oh my God.

[MIA] What?

"Dare you to steal
Yolanda's Cabbage Patch Kid

and hang it."

[CHUCKLES] Kids at
this camp were brutal.

You think it's inside.

[PAULETTE] Cover your ears.

- Oh God.
- What the fuck?

[GPS] Continue
toward state route,

make a U-turn,
make a U-turn or you're next,

- you're next, you're next.
- Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

[GPS] You were warned a lot.

- [DRAMATIC EERIE MUSIC]
- [GUN FIRING]

- [SCARY MUSIC]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[TOYS CLATTERING]

- What the fuck?
- Uh!

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[MIA] Ow.

[INSTAGRAM] GFreeAtLast
posted to #MiaCampWedding.

[EERIE MUSIC]

I'm going to write
the email to tell everybody

to stay away from my wedding.

No, we can
get to the bottom of this

and exorcize everyone.

You could still have
the best wedding ever.

What? No!
Fucking scare everyone away

and like tell them it was a fire
or something because I am here

and I can barely
believe this shit.

So you're just
going to give up and listen

to drowned girl's mix tape?

Nobody labels a mix tape
Camp Record Number One.

It's got to be something.

But we need to warn people

in case it's not
the best wedding ever, okay?

Anyone see the headphones?

Better idea.

So we can all hear.

[GRUNTS] We're
going to need to find

a more defensible position.

We need to go to the playhouse.

Be prepared to run.

- [CAR RUMBLING]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

- [DOOR CLATTERING]
- [PAULETTE PANTING]

- [PHONES BUZZING]
- [MEN GROANING]

Oh my God. Take shelter.

[PAULETTE GRUNTING]

- Shit!
- Just drop and roll!

That is not
happening in this dress.

Rip it off.

I can't, it's too tight.

- [HANDCUFFS CLICKING]
- Oh.

- [PAULETTE] Shit, come on!
- [EILEEN] Gee, oh, go, go!

Damn, home girl's
got some mad skills.

Well, Dalvero said
she trained with the CIA

but she failed some test.

[PAULETTE] How's
that email coming?

[MIA GRUNTING]

[PAULETTE PANTING]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Shit, it's Alexis.

We could
barricade her with seating.

Good plan.

[CHAIRS CLATTERING]

- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

[CHAIN CLINKING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

- [STICK CRACKING]
- [TENSE MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Gore found this
while we were setting up.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Yeah, that would've
been a red flag for me.

Oh my gosh.

Look who's on top of the board.

The last camp director
was this psych grad student

who, according to
this very creepy website,

pitted the kids
against each other

through some
like disciplinary game.

We've got to save her
from his ghost.

You break a rule and,
bam, you're on the board.

Mmm, but we all
broke camp rules.

I did. I drank, did drugs,
I had sex, well kind of.

Yeah, and the camp
director's not dead.

Well, fuck.

Let's play the tape.

Oh yeah.

[EILEEN SIGHS]

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪ Don't toy with me to love ♪

[TENSE MUSIC]

[MAN]
To live a life free of sin,

it is not enough
to follow the rules.

The moral and just answers
to life's difficult questions

lie within you and you found
ways to ignore and twist them,

to serve your
selfish desires but deep down,

you know what is correct.

"JAMES 4:17," If you do
not do what you know is right,

you have sinned." Now, excuse
me, is that a tape recorder?

[MIRIAM] Director McFuffer,
my parents said I had an exception.

I record everything so I can
study it later and get it perfect.

[DIRECTOR] There are no
exemptions at Camp Pocumtuck.

Electronic devices
will not be tolerated.

Your parents
warned me about your lies.

Your selfish desire has twisted

- your moral truth.
- [TOMAHAWK WHACKING]

That's makes you our first
addition to the Board of Sin.

If you do not do
what you know is right,

your picture goes up here.
What's your name?

[MIRIAM] But I'm not lying.
They told me that...

[DIRECTOR] What's your name?

Miriam Kleingeist, sir.

[DIRECTOR] Step up here, Miriam.

[CAMERA CLICKING AND WHIRRING]

The only way to
get off the Board of Sin

is to report a sin.

What the Nazi Germany fuck?

[DIRECTOR] Do you have a sin to
report, Miriam? -No, sir.

How does he expect to police
the reporting of other's sins

especially when the incentive is
so high to report a false sin?

[DIRECTOR] Reports of false sin just to get off
the Board of Sin, is the gravest sin of all

and God will tell me if you do
something so heinous. -[MIRIAM CRYING]

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Miriam, I'll need
to be confiscating that.

So everybody who was
zombied just didn't do

what they knew was right?

- [KEYPAD CLICKING]
- [TENSE MUSIC]

[ALEXIS VOICEOVER] Yep.

- [EERIE MUSIC]
- [CAMERA CLICKING AND WHIRRING]

Cheating, okay sure.

But man of honor fail,
unprofessional.

I don't know, that stripper,
man, he could have saved us

but he decided to save
his own ass instead.

And also
Gore forgot the grapefruits.

I highly doubt it
was the grapefruits.

He probably got an
ultimatum text just like Trask

and even he had to know that cheating
on his wife to get VP is just,

- you know, fucked up.
- [THUDDING MUSIC]

Wait a flippin' second.

[TENSE MUSIC]

It wasn't the camp
director that pitted the kids

against each other.

It was the drowned girl.

She needed a sin to report

- to get off the board.
- [THUDDING MUSIC]

But she reported like six sins
and she's still on the board.

[SIGHS] Because the
religion Nazi camp director

has to approve it.

We need to open up
a channel to her spirit

and then call
the camp director...

But the camp
director is in prison

according to the website.

Well, all that matters
is that she believes it.

One of us can pretend
we're the camp director

and let her know
she's off the hook.

Or we could pretend to be God

and tell her to go to hell.

How hard is it
to open a channel?

WikiHow, don't fail me now.

[PHONES BUZZING]

Circle of salts, silver amulets,

blessed prayer shawls, serpents?

Where are we going
to source all this stuff?

We can improvise.

In the spirit realm,
it's the thought that counts.

Is that real or
a Tweet you wrote?

[EILEEN SIGHS]

- [DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

[PILLS RATTLING]

[PHONES BUZZING]

[TRASK GRUNTING]

[TOMAHAWK THUDDING]

[EILEEN GRUNTING]

[PHONES BUZZING]

- [SCARY TINKLING MUSIC]
- Attention, there is

a dangerous, toxic gas
leak near the wedding venue

and we must postpone.

Please, for your safety,
stay away from the camp.

We have all been evacuated.

I am so sorry for this
last-minute cancellation.

Love, Mia and Dalvero,
#MiaCampWedding.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Oh God, gluten-free
almost tomahawked me.

Did you find any prayer shawls?

They didn't do
"Fiddler on the Roof".

It's okay, I got backup.

[PANTING] First, I need
to smudge the whole place.

You guys can set up the altar.

[PAULETTE] I
thought I was smudging.

Who needs to chill the fuck out?

- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [DRAMATIC DRUMMING MUSIC]

Does that count?

It's herbal.

[SPRAY HISSING]

Where's the salt?

Use the Bloody Eight.

It's loaded with sodium.

[SPRAY HISSING]

[MIA] Who has a serpent?

Uh, they're
fertility symbols, so...

[EILEEN] Use the
prenatal vitamins.

- [TOMAHAWK THUDDING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

We need to barricade the door.

[EILEEN EXHALING DEEPLY]

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- [ZOMBIE GROANING]

[EILEEN] Put these on
and really treat them

like sacred garments.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Now form a crescent
around the idol.

Oh.

[EILEEN] Present the sacred
object of the spirit

to the idol.

Now we hold hands and
chant something of meaning.

And what the fuck would that be?

Shit, look.

What's the tune?

[DOOR CLATTERING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

I don't know, I'll improvise.
Just follow me.

♪ We are the kids of Pocumtuck ♪

♪ Best camp in the world ♪

Did you go to camp?

Maybe folk it up a bit.

♪ We are the kids
From Pocumtuck ♪

♪ Best camp in the world ♪

Come on, we have to do this
together or it won't work.

Exactly. And how am I supposed
to believe that this is sacred?

What do you need to believe?

Don't even touch it.

- [ZOMBIE GROANING]
- [EILEEN SIGHING]

It's not a bad idea.

You can sew it back together.

It's not like it fits.

- [TOMAHAWK THUDDING]
- [TENSE MUSIC]

You slept with Dalvero.

Oh my God,
we're going to do this now?

While we were together.

He told me.

Did he?

Did you ever
think he made that up

to save face
because you told him

that you hooked up with some
guy on Memorial Day weekend?

We never had sex.

I told him that you
were the type of person

to snoop through his emails
and he didn't believe me.

So then he did the slow
fade from my life

and I guess forgot to
uninvite me to the wedding

because I'm his,
was his best friend.

I guess I didn't
encourage the friendship.

You think?

- [DOOR CLATTERING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

- [MIA GRUNTING]
- [FABRIC RIPPING]

- [TOMAHAWK THUDDING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

Let's do this shit,
motherfuckers.

- [SIGHS] Yeah.
- May I try the song?

Yes.

♪ We are the kids
From Camp Pocumtuck ♪

♪ Best camp in the world ♪

[MIRIAM] ♪All the rest
wish They had our luck ♪

♪ When our flags unfurl ♪

- We're in.
- Who's gonna do the douche boy?

♪ They been pillaged
But God loves makin' peace ♪

- Miriam?
- ♪Drinking salvation ♪

- Miriam?
- Yeah?

Do you have a sin to report?

[LAUGHS] Are you pretending
to be Director Mudfusher?

He's a butthole.

[LAUGHING]

I reported tons of sins
and it's not working.

You have to help me
get to my parents.

Miriam, I know this
is going to be really hard

for you to understand
but you got struck by lightning

- and you didn't survive.
- No, duh.

- [DOOR THUDDING]
- [ZOMBIES GRUNTING]

Tell your minions to stand down.

I don't know how
to possess people.

- That's the pilgrim witch girls.
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]

They want more friends to play
their really, boring games with.

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

There are no one else
from the astral plane

that these pilgrim girls
can play with?

No one who died on the site
of an Indian massacre

and are trapped
in a liminal vortex.

You have to help me
get off the board

or your friends are goners.

- [FURNITURE CLATTERING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

Oh, no fucking duh.

We just have to get her
Polaroid off the board.

- [TOMAHAWK THUDDING]
- That's cheating.

You can't shoot them,
they're kind of alive.

[PAULETTE] Even if
they're going to kill us?

You guys, butterfly nets.

[PHONES BUZZING]

[ZOMBIE SHOUTING]

- [MIRIAM] Mmm, I wouldn't do that.
- Why the fuck not?

If you leave, they'll probably just
have your friends kill themselves.

They only need them alive
to hunt the rest of you down.

- And you can't stop them?
- Not trapped in this thing.

But they need me to connect with
you guys through your telephones.

- They don't get technology at all.
- What are we going to do?

- Phones won't work in the water. -No.
- Good idea.

No, no, no. I don't like
the lake. Stop, I'm scared!

They were so mean.
I just wrote the notes.

I didn't make 'em do anything.
I'd never been in trouble before.

Did it ever occur to you
that maybe your parents

just didn't tell them
about the exemption?

Take me back to camp or
I'll report your sin right now.

What sin?

Lying.
You did sleep with Dalvero.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[PAULETTE] Do you have proof?

November 15th, 2008.

It's in your MS Word journal
and you wrote

- a lot of poetry about it.
- Wow.

I was just
starting to warm up to you.

It was undergrad
and I was a virgin

and I didn't tell him and
he freaked out midway through

so defining it as full-stop
sex is like a stretch, okay?

It was awkward and
then we became friends

and I have a hard time
making and keeping friends

so this wedding
felt like the death nail.

So sue me for not
being totally honest.

You lied, too.

Who?

Both of you.

[DOOR THUDDING]

[DARK EERIE MUSIC]

[PAULETTE] No!
We can't help you if we're dead.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [PHONE BUZZING]

[MIA] Oh!

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

We could swim.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, that's why
you failed Quantico.

It's a phobia.

Miriam, I have a sin to report.

You don't have to trick anyone.

Maybe that'll
get you off the board.

What?

Mia, I knew
the email was a mistake

but I wanted to force
a fren-a-ssance. -Um...

And exploit your opera fame
to get my career back on track.

But I really think we connected and
not because you're just teaching.

But I knew the right
thing to do was to ask you

if it was a mistake
and I didn't.

Sinner.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

- [ZOMBIES GROANING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

Fuck, it didn't work.

Maybe you all have to do it?

Uh, I didn't send the stay
away from the wedding email.

Seriously? Do you just want your friends
and family to show up to this shit storm

in case we pull off an
eight-way exorcism. Oh my God.

So this isn't
just my wedding, okay?

It's an audition for a wedding-planning
position at Bride Boheme.

My opera career is over.
Okay, fine, it never even started.

I just started lying
about it on social media but...

I have to do
something with my life.

I can't just be somebody's wife.

Wow.

Send the fucking email!

- [EMAIL WHOOSHING]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

- [ZOMBIES GROANING]
- [PHONES BUZZING]

What more do we have to do?

I, I cannot die!

Oh, duh, full ceremony.

What?

No, no, no.

[EILEEN] Say cheese.

- [PAULETTE GRUNTING]
- [CAMERA CLICKING]

- [PHONES BUZZING]
- [ZOMBIES GROANING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

We could still swim.

Miriam forced Paulette's sin
out of her, but not yours.

- No, no, no! Fuck.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [CAMERA WHIRRING]
- [ZOMBIES GROANING]

Um, sorry, that job at
Bride Boheme, that's all me.

- But you didn't cause our email mix-up.
- I, yeah.

That was me, too.

[ZOMBIES GROANING]

When I was ten years old, I stole a
chocolate milk from the liquor store.

- [PHONES BUZZING]
- [ZOMBIES GROANING]

And I set a cat on fire
and I blamed it on neighbor boy

and he went to juvie
and I knew it was wrong.

[EERIE MUSIC]

No!

You have to sin at the camp.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[PHONES BUZZING]

Am I supposed to report myself?

Ugh.

Maybe I lied

about the electronics exemption.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [ZOMBIES THUDDING]
- [METAL CLANKING]

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SCOTT] He didn't make it,
so sorry.

Maybe we can apply to that
preschool in Carol Gardens?

[BOSS] You're fired. Kidding.
You need a vacation.

Shit! That was meant for Dax.
We were going to surprise you

turning the brew room
into a nursery

and then he got tickets to
the Yankees' game

but totally
doing it next weekend.

[QUEENA] Toxic gas?
I hope you're all okay.

No worries. -[ANNIE] We're
staying away in our rental car.

- [TODD] Did you try Gas-X?
- Smirk.

- [MESSAGE ALERTS BEEPING]
- [MESSAGES VIBRATING]

Is everyone alive?

[DALVERO GRUNTS]

Okay, Mia, I mean,
she's totally great.

I approve.

Can we just be friends again?

Jefferson's alive.

Oh!

[GIRLS SCREAMING AND LAUGHING]

- Alexis, are you pregnant?
- I didn't want to upstage you.

- Stop, that's amazing!
- [GIRLS SCREAMING]

- Boo?
- Boo.

Oh my God, my dress.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

25 minutes? Deal?

Why is it daytime?

[MESSAGE ALERT DINGS]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[CANOES THUDDING]

Hey.

Hey.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Okay, phone time over.

- Let's make this wedding happen.
- But nobody's coming.

If you actually love each other,
does it matter?

And you have
a pretty strong case

to contest your Airbnb fees.

You can use the money
to throw a party

in the city for
the obligatories.

And I can probably Molly
Ringwald this into something.

What about Bride Boheme?

Oh, it's okay.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Paulette is actually right.

If we're going to have a wedding,
we should do it because we love each other

and we have
really great friends.

- [LIVELY MESSAGE MUSIC]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

- Oh my God!
- [TRASK] What?

You accepted my friend request.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪
[FOOT STOMPING]

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

- Five more minutes.
- [MICHAEL CHUCKLING]

Five more minutes,
five more minutes.