Camp Nowhere (1994) - full transcript

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪♪

If your son goes to Camp Microchipewa,
he'll learn more than just computer skills.

How about basketball?
That's right.

Learn to shoot like Akeem and the Shaq, once
counselor Dave shows you the trajectory.

If you're hungry,
Fridays are international fiesta days...

featuring foods from
all over the world,



including this favorite
from Italy... pizza.

Whoops! It's awards day already.
The summer sure has flown by.

At Microchipewa, you'll leave
with good friends, good memories...

and a better understanding
of the job skills of the future.

That's right.
Who says computers have to be boring?

At Microchipewa Computer Camp, we say
that computers are really not... boring.

Boy, I wish they had camps
like that when I was a kid.

Sounds great, huh, Morris?

It sounds fantastic!

I'm in hell. Shoot me.

So, did you decide about camp yet?

That guy from MicroCamp swears they're getting
CD-ROMs with double-speed interfaces.

- Sounds excellent, huh, Mud?
- Yo, dog breath... stay!

Not you, Walter.
I want Mud.



You're not supposed to
be in this hallway, pud.

- Pud!
- Come on, stop it.

What a dork!

Hands off, Tim.
This little turd is mine.

You need a bath, man,
in the porcelain jacuzzi.

Don't let anybody in.

All right, midget.
You got it?

Damn!

Here. You read The Red Badge
of Courage by Stephen Crane.

I analyzed his depiction
of the Civil War.

Uh, so who do I say won?

- You went for the North.
- Okay.

Anyway, I say it's good for a C+, easy.

Cool, but make the next one a "B."

So, how you doin', Mud?

I'm okay.

That musclehead in gym class tried
to hang me up by my underwear again.

Wayne Fletcher? Don't worry. I've
got him covered. Okay, let's do it.

Zack, do we have to?

Look, Mud, I've told you a thousand times.
I've got a reputation.

Oh-ho, Zack! Please stop it! Oh!

Please, don't stick
my head in the toilet.

I won't use the hallway again.

Stylin', Mud.

Yup. It's that
just flushed look.

Looks good.

- Call me later.
- Okay. Bye.

- Call me later.
- Bye.

If that idiot Epstein
gives us another grammar quiz,

I swear I'm gonna wind up in
English as a Second Language.

Or you'll have to take it
over in summer school.

I'm already going
to summer school.

Another computer camp?

Yup. My parents won't be happy till I'm the
poster child for the "Adopt a Dork Foundation."

Yeah, well, better than Camp Broadway.
"Did you get that Clearasil commercial?"

Well, I'm up for Spaghetti-O's
Extra Meaty. Tres dull.

Oh, Gaby, when's your mom
leaving for the islands?

Right after she puts me
on the bus to Camp Slenderella.

Oh, gross! Celery sticks
and rice cakes again?

Prison food.

I'll mail you a Twinkie.

Thanks for waiting, guys.

Yeah, well, you were busy
with your new delinquent friends.

Trish, we're not
delinquent friends!

Oh, yeah?

Then how come you get sent to military camp
every summer? 'Cause you like the haircuts?

You know my dad.
Builds character, Zachary.

It's for your own good, Gab.

But, Trish,
all the other kids are going.

Wait, how 'bout this one?
It'll be fun.

Yeah.

Can you believe what Arnold brought
to school today? It was disgusting.

It was degrading.

That was cool!
That was really cool!

That was so gross.

- He needs help.
- He is beyond help.

But, Morris, it'll be fun.

Dad, all those computer camps
are nerd rehab centers.

I just want to play baseball.
Have some real fun.

The DOS tutorial isn't fun?

Come on. Look, I wouldn't
steer you wrong.

I know you think I'm an old fogey but your
old man still knows how to cut loose.

Look, Morris, they have those
low-fat, sugar-free macaroons.

Not only the best tasting, pasteurized,
processed, non-dairy imitation...

semi-cheese product,

but also the healthiest.

Now, I'm not a licensed physician, but
I've been to my share of free clinics.

Each serving of Miracle Cheese
contains no sodium, no glucose,

no "mucose" and absolutely
no cholesterol.

Let's talk about
breadstick safety.

Your basic sesame breadstick.
No, it looks harmless enough.

But what if you lose control
at high speeds?

- - Easy Cheese comes in these...

Now, Morris, I don't want to be
one of those pushy parents.

It's too late.

Now, what is that supposed
to mean, young man?

I mean, what if I don't want
to go to computer camp?

Morris, there are plenty of things
I'd rather do with $3,000.

Me too.

Havarti and Gorgonzola!

Come on.

Wait a minute!
You are thinking...

cheese with... fish.

Baa-aad.

Morris!

Well, let's go right to the source.

Is it just me,
or it dry in here?

Thank you very much.

Be kind to your waitress.

Good night, everybody.

- Morris.
- Not the "potential" thing again?

But that's just what
you've got: potential.

Anyway, so after all that, he
lays the money guilt thing on me.

You know, camps cost
thousands of dollars.

Yeah.

I say, give me the money, I'll buy a Harley
and I'll be outta your way the whole summer.

With that kind of money,
we could just rent our own camp.

I'd buy a new wardrobe.

I'd buy The Gap.

Whoa! Whoa! What'd you say?

Oh, I said, for that kind of
money, we could rent our own camp.

- It's brilliant!
- It's deranged!

- It's suicide.
- Besides, we need an adult to pull it off.

But we're adults,
one for each camp.

And one really twisted one.

- Who's gonna rent a cabin...
- What'd you just say?

Did you guys hear about the guy who
taught drama before Mr. Ellison?

Yeah, my sister had him.
Tres bizarre, she said.

He tried to do Silence of
the Lambs as a musical.

Anyway, he got fired
and left town.

Yeah, well, he got fired, but
I'm not so sure he left town.

The cheese guy?

Okay, let's
do it. Mud.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh... Is your name
Dennis Van Welker?

No. Just inspectin' the hinges here.

Look at that.
Low carbon content.

- Uh, ooh. Are you sure your name isn't
Dennis Van Welker? -

He used to be a
drama teacher at King Junior High.

There are no drama teachers
living here.

I mean, I'm assuming the guy's gotta
be, what, five, six feet long.

So I'd have seen him.

Why don't you step inside? Now.

Don't make a sound.
Shh. It's show time.

Kid, I think you're sittin' on my teeth.
Quick, gimme, gimme, gimme. Come on.

Your teeth?
Sick! Gross!

Hey, kid, I owe ya one.

Van Welker!
You in there?

Van Welker!

Van Welker!

Who the hell are you?

Dennis Van Welker?

Well, glad to meet you, Dennis.

The name's T.R. Polk. I'm
looking for Dennis Van Welker.

And according to my
information, you're him.

Sorry, man.
Roland J. Orlando.

Wait a minute!

I bought this here trailer
from a feller named Van Welker.

Yeah? Did this Van
Welker have a "caar"?

Well, I guess he must've to
pull the trailer.

In 1979, Dennis Van Welker bought
a Caribbean yellow Gremlin...

from Rasmunsen's AMC-Jeep
in Columbus, Ohio.

- A yellow Gremlin? - He signed a
contract for 48 equal payments...

of $121 .43.

He made five. We're still
lookin' for the other 43.

- God! What a swine!
- Hey, come on.

Last year, Rasmunsen
sold the debt...

to Bulldog Collections;
that's me.

- Well, Mr. Bulldog.
- Polk. T.R. Polk.

I retire in October. When I go,
I'm goin' with a perfect record.

So no piss-yellow coup is gonna
keep me out of the hall of fame.

Now, what's in the shed?

Look, I really should be gettin'
down to the plant.

Dad! Dad!
Oh, nellie, Dad! It's an emergency!

Uh, the plant just called. Number
three turbine's out of alignment.

Hold your horses there,
Alphonse.

Can't you see I'm helping
this man find a missing car?

Not here.

Of course it ain't.

Sorry about the door.

- Your kid, huh?
- Yup. Heir to the throne.

Well, Van Welker
had no children.

That's a tragedy.

Well, if he turns up, give me a call.
I'd appreciate it.

So would the Ohio State Police.

- Don't hit him, Zack.
- I won't.

You know, you really oughta get the Club.
Any idiot can hot-wire a Gremlin.

What do you want from me?
The car was a dog.

Late at night, I used to hear it barking
in the driveway.

Mr. Van Welker, we don't
care about the car.

How would you like
to make $1,000?

A thousand bucks.
Ha!

Chicken feed! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I gotta go call my broker.

555-0093.

I'm sorry?

Polk's phone number,
Mr. Van Welker.

Oh, I get it.
Shakedown time.

And people say kids today
lack ambition.

A thousand bucks, you say?

Hmm.

Mr. Himmel? Dennis Wozniak,
Binary Pines Computer Camp.

Been expecting ya.
Come on in.

Thanks.

Hey, nice sweater.

In today's job market, you've got to
master the skills of tomorrow, now.

For instance, 379 of the
Fortune 500 companies...

use exactly the same Novell
netware release that we teach.

Here, Mr. Grotowski.

Of course, you should know that our Trish
takes her precious horses pretty seriously.

Acting, Dad! This is theater camp.
Caitlin goes to riding camp.

Of course.

It does sound
interesting, Jerzy.

But she's been so happy at Lake
Broadway, and I think it's,

I don't know, prestigious.

Oh, it
is fine program, Mrs. Prescott.

More than adequate.

But how deep can you go
in, uh, six weeks?

At Camp Sleek-Away, we believe
there are no fat people.

There's fat, and there's people.

Look, whatever dumb diet
you guys use, it won't work.

Shh.

She's right.
Diets don't work.

Chocolate cake works.

Well, it sounds like
a hell of an operation, Savage,

but as I said on the phone, Zachary
will be going back to Camp Steelgrave.

Well, Mr. Dell,
if you're happy with, uh,

Weepy's results,

I won't waste your time.

Weepy?

Just a nickname Sergeant
Steelgrave picked up in 'Nam.

Isn't that interesting, Morris?

You should look up "interesting"
in the dictionary, Dad.

Morris.

You know, Morris, if you were an ordinary
kid, it wouldn't matter so much.

But you've got such...

potential.

And that is why our season
runs two weeks longer.

She'd be gone for eight weeks?

I know it is long time
to be separated.

That means we wouldn't have to
come back from Europe until...

When's Parents' Day?
August?

At Shakespeare Hollow,
we do not have Parents' Day.

We feel it encourages
independence.

Say no more, Jerzy.

I think we just have to do what's
right for our little girl.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

It's fantastic!
This is great cake!

It's very unusual.

I'll be right back.

- God, what'd you do?
- Yours is Betty Crocker.

Hers is raw liver paste.

So if it tastes like poison,
it must be diet food.

Son, are you deaf or just stupid?
Answer that phone!

I'm busy.
Get it yourself.

Answer it or eat it, boy.

I see Weepy's worked wonders.

At Alpha Charlie, we scrape
'em down to bare metal.

And it's worth it when they
look up at you and say,

Dad was right, Major Savage.
I am scum.

Answer the phone, son.

Yes, sir.

- Dell residence.
- How's it goin'?

Check or plastic?

- Cash.
- Mission accomplished.

We're in.

Yes!

Feln's Miracle Spa?

Yeah, I found it in the newspaper.

Where? In the obituaries?

Trust me.
It's perfect.

So that's two cabins for the summer.
Am I right?

- If you want more, you gotta call
me in Florida. - So, I don't get it.

- Who built those tepees and
painted that weird bus? - Ahhh!

That's interesting. In the late
'60s, a bunch of hippies...

made this place into a commune.

You know, there was all sorts of
sex and drugs and debauchery.

I knew I'd been here before.

- You mean you did that stuff here?
- No, not here.

You won't regret this,
Mr. Bandersnatch.

You're in for the most peaceful,
relaxing summer...

of your whole lives.

That was the Pineview
Air Force Base.

The 5: 15 flyby,
they call it.

You get used to it.
You get used to it.

Then you miss it when it doesn't happen.

So we should just
take the Greyhound.

The bus?
Why can't we rent a limo?

You know what'd be cool?
We should hitchhike.

Yeah. That would be really cool.

And then we should just, you know, leave our
pictures behind for them to put on the milk cartons.

Hey, guys, I've been checking out
the train schedules. You wanna...

Hold on a second.
I'll be right back.

- Hitchhike?
- Stupid.

Walter.
Hi.

- Pretty slick, Mud.
- What?

I know what you're doing, Mud. That
computer camp you said you were going to;

There's no such camp.

Walter, if you tell anyone,
I'm gonna glue your mouth shut!

Look, I won't tell. Not as
long as you let me come.

No.

Okay. If I don't go,
you don't go.

All right.
But you can't tell anyone.

I won't.

Walter, who'd you tell?

Just Betty Stoller.
You know, the redhead girl in Bio Lab.

You idiot!

Come on, at her old camp,
they used to go skinny-dippin'.

No way!

I am not sharing a sink
with Betty Stoller!

I mean, she has food stuck in
her braces from last Christmas.

You're all in on this.

Walter, if you tell anybody
else, you're dead meat!

- Look, I won't tell.
- Uh-oh.

What?
What?

Betty Stoller.

- Hi, Mud.
- Hi, Mud.

- We're definitely going to need a bus.
- Yeah.

Wooo!
Yeah!

All right!
Wooo!

♪ Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss
and I'm gonna raise a holler ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been workin' all summer
just tryin' to raise a dollar ♪

- ♪ Every time I call my baby I
try to get a date ♪ - Way cool.

- ♪ The boss says "No dice, son
You gotta work late" ♪ - Fresh.

- ♪ Sometimes I wonder what I'm a-gonna
do ♪ - Jump! Jump!

♪ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ♪

Here I go!

Welcome to your own...

personal slice of paradise,
Mudster.

So where you gonna be
In the cabin by the lake?

You betcha.
See ya in eight weeks.

All right.

Hey!
Have fun.

See ya.

♪ Gonna take two weeks
Gonna have a fine vacation ♪

♪ I'm gonna take my problem
to the United Nations ♪

♪ Well, I asked my congressman
He said quote ♪

♪ "I'd like to help you, son
but you're too young to vote" ♪

♪ Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a-gonna do ♪

♪ There ain't no cure
for the summertime blues ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Summertime blues ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Summertime blues ♪♪

Yo!

Hey, listen up, people!

Hey, shut up!

There's some important
stuff I gotta tell ya.

Mud.

Okay.

There's three important
things I need to say.

Louder!

Number one: letters home to your parents,
once a week, so they don't get suspicious;

and two: if anybody in town
asks, you don't speak English;

and three: guys, this is
very important, all right?

Please, report to me immediately if
anybody finds a Taco Bell, all right?

Oh, I, uh,

forgot one thing.

Try rubbing them together.

Maybe if you get it warm first.

Will you just let me work?

It's getting late, Walter!

Is it too late to go to a motel?

What if we can't get it going?

There. Got it.

- Thank God!
- Yeah, that was close.

If I don't see Dylan, I die.

I wanna make a toast.

Here is to diet shakes.

Yeah!

And I say here's to
Rodgers and Hammerstein.

Here's to swimming.
Right, Betty?

I gotta say...

This is major cool!
Yes!

All right!

It's gonna be a great summer.

Here's to computer manuals.

Here's to anything with bran!

Hey, Steve, throw in your cello.

Cello!
Cello! Cello! Cello!

Yes!
Yes!

Nowhere! Nowhere!

Nowhere! Nowhere!

Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!

Nowhere! Nowhere!
Nowhere! Nowhere!

Got you, Betty.

I wasn't playing, Walter.

Hey, you're it.
I got you.

Shut up, Walter!

- Come on, Betty. I got you.
- Shut up. Get away!

- It's 2:00 in the morning.
- Cool.

- Hey, Trish, watch this.
- Stay away from me!

Ow! I hit something.

What is it?

- It's a car!
- What a wreck!

It's not a wreck.
It's a classic.

A classic?

Yeah, we could rebuild the whole thing.
But it's gonna cost.

How much money we got, Mud?

Well, I didn't exactly
count it or anything.

Geez, Mud,
how much you got in there?

Well, it's a lot. I mean, it's everybody's money for the
whole summer. You know, I just thought I'd hold on till...

Yeah, right. I think I'll just
hold onto my own, midget.

No, Tim, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.

Money, Mud.

- Money, Mud.
- Money, Mud.

Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.

Money, Mud.
Money, Mud.

Money, Mud.

Look, you, guys. Come on. Be careful how you spend it,
alright, because it's gotta last through the whole summer.

Besides, we don't want to
call attention to ourselves, alright?

We're not gonna do
anything stupid.

I mean, we're not
complete morons.

♪ I live
by the groove ♪

♪ I live by the groove ♪

♪ If I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ♪

Aw, guys! That goes in Mud's cabin.
Come on.

- ♪ I live by the groove ♪
- Aw, great!

- It's better than the cello.
- Definitely!

Take it straight on up, okay?

I don't know, Betty. Didn't Mud
say to keep a low profile?

Well, no one'll find us
if we're inside watching TV.

Well, gee, don't ya wanna do some swimmin'?
The lake's really warm this time of year.

No, I don't wanna do
any swimming.

Nice one, guys. Ever think about
how you're gonna get it inside?

Who ordered the chain saw?

♪ It's the law, baby
It's the golden rule ♪

♪ I live
by the groove ♪

♪ I live by the groove ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey
Ahhh ♪

♪ I live by the groove ♪

♪ If I can't feel it, baby
I can't move ♪♪

Geez, you guys!

Here, I'll give it back to you.
Oops, oops, oops, oh.

Nice hat, pud.

You wanna go shoot some hoops?

So I can kick your butt.

I'll get your hat back later.

Thanks.

You remember how Tim used to cry when we
wouldn't let him pitch in Little League?

Yeah, yeah, I do.
That was...

He was a lot easier to deal with
before he had that growth spurt.

Hi, guys.

- Hey, Trish.
- Hey.

Um, there's a 30% off sale at the mall.
You guys want anything?

The mall?
Again?

You guys are never gonna make
it through the summer...

if you keep spending all
your money on clothes.

♪♪

So, I don't get it.

How come you're fixing a car
if you can't drive?

In Tijuana you can drive
when you're 14.

Oh, right. They're gonna let you get out of
class early to take Driver's Ed in Mexico?

Who said I was
gonna be in school?

You're dropping out?

Maybe.

Why?

Would you miss me?

No.

No, huh?

Well, maybe.

Maybe?

No.

Hmph!

Damn!

- Honey, this one's from Morris.
- Oh, read it out loud.

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm
having a great time at computer camp.

- And you were right, Dad." - I'm learning
lots of valuable skills for the future.

We're currently hard at work on some
challenging high-level computer simulations.

Scramble the jets.
We're taking out Milwaukee.

- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!

- Minneapolis!
- Milwaukee!

But Grandma lives in Milwaukee.

Milwaukee!

You wouldn't believe
how hard we work up here.

We really get hungry, so they
always feed us a long, long lunch.

♪ Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ♪

♪ And the world will turn
to floating papers too ♪

♪ Waa-aaah ♪

Don't... even...
think about it.

Walter!

Today's
July Fourth, but don't worry, Mom.

We won't be playing
with caps or sparklers."

We'll probably just sing some patriotic songs and watch
a film strip about the Declaration of Independence.

♪ Party at ground zero
and the movie star in you ♪

♪ And the world will turn
to floating papers too ♪

Yeah!

Check this out.
Banzai!

Fire!

- ♪ Party at ground zero ♪
- Wooo!

- Light me.
- I'll write more next week.

Got it.
Got it.

- Your son, Mud.
- ♪ Waa-aah ♪♪

- Ow! - Mud! Mud!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I just burned my arm.

Who would think something like this could
happen from harmless flares and Roman candles?

- You know, Mud, that looks bad.
- Yeah, you really need a doctor.

No, you guys. If we call a doctor, he's gonna call
my mom and we're gonna blow the whole summer.

- Look, get Dennis, all right?
- Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. If this is serious,
Mud, I'm taking you home.

My mama didn't raise no fools.
Oh, except my brother Todd.

He burns hair out of his nose with
fireplace matches. Todd's... special.

Look, Dennis, I told you,
it's an extra 50 bucks.

Keep your money, pal. Concussions
and second degree burns on me.

Uh, uh. Hold still. Hold still.
Won't be another minute.

Take your time, Dr. Dunbar. I've still
gotta find six weasels in this picture.

Oooh, there's one.

We do have other magazines, you know.
There's Newsweek somewhere.

Oh.
Mideast peace talks.

Yeah. Twelve weasels
hidden in that one.

So, Morris, how did this happen?

Not playing with
fireworks, by any chance?

No. I burned it
on the stove making breakfast.

Ah. Yes. Those Fourth of July
breakfasts, very hazardous.

Well, I think
we can save the hand.

But I'm gonna need to see you again.
Say, Tuesday?

Bye, Mud.
Feel better.

You know, we are supposed to report
firework injuries to the police.

- No. Really?
- Yeah.

- The stove is ancient.
- Thought about a microwave?

Can't do it.
Cat's got a pacemaker.

Look, I don't know much about...

I don't know much about stoves, Mr. Van Welker, but
I do know something about second-degree burns.

Yeah, well, what do you know
about raisin' a kid alone?

What do you know about holding down two jobs
so your kids get the breaks you didn't?

I mean, do you and your husband
even have children?

I'm not married.
What are you getting at?

I'm not sure.

Frankly, I kinda lost the thread
there myself. Tuesday, you say?

Yeah.
Tuesday.

- I'll bring Mud along.
- Good idea.

Now, don't forget to take your
pills, youngin. Four, every hour.

Uh, Dennis, that's one
every four hours.

Get outta here. Let me see that.
What are you talkin'...

Whoa.

Not the first time that
mistake's got me in trouble.

Are you sure you don't wanna come in? We're
all gonna watch Beavis and Butt-head.

You know, back in the '60s,

when we said we wanted
to change society,

maybe we should have
been more specific.

- Hello, Officer.
- Trooper Elliot Hendricks.

Uh, howdy.

I'm, uh... Phlurm.

Cy Phlurm.

Uh, with a "P-H."

What can I do for you, Officer?

- Well, Mr., uh, Phlurm.
- Phlurm.

Well, we've had some reports of a gang of unruly
kids in the area. I thought I'd come check it out.

Do you mind if we talk?
- Oh, not at all.

Uh, Rudolph, go inside.

Put on some coffee and, uh,
clean up a little bit, okay?

Okay, Dad.

I had a report of a fireworks
display, some loud music...

Mrs. Levinson found paint
splattered on her new garage door.

Probably a couple of rowdy kids.

Gosh, Officer, it's just me and
Rudy renting the lodge here.

Rudy's no rowdy. But, hey, if I
can help with anything else.

I'd still like to ask your son a
few questions, if you don't mind.

Oh, no, no, not at all.
Jesus.

Shh.

Coffee's on, Dad.

I won't take up much of your time. Son,
some folks reported hearin' fireworks...

down by the lake on the Fourth.

- You know anything about that?
- Uh, no, Officer. I... Mm-mmm.

Uh-huh.

I'll bet you don't know anything about a bunch
of kids running through Mrs. O'Neil's garden.

Uh, no, I can't run.

- I have asthma.
- You have as...

Oh, I... I'm sorry.
I didn't... Um...

Asthma's what?
A-Z...

- A-S...
- A-S.

T...

H... M...

A.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, I shifted
my liver on that one.

Are you...
Is he all...

Doctor says it's a bronchial virus.

- Oh, please sit. Sit.
- Don't mind if I do.

- No! Not that one!
- What?

I use that one.
Excuse me.

Eczema! Persistent. What?

Chronic.
Oh, don't ask.

Personally...

I think I get the cough
from inhaling the flakes.

Sit. Sit.

Rudy,

remember to bring Officer Hendricks's
coffee in the blue mug, not the green one.

Dad, yours is the blue one. The
green one's for company.

- No, Rudolph, mine's the green one!
- Dad, yours is the blue one.

The green one... I don't want
him to get the disease.

- I don't have any more questions.
I'll take a rain check. - Please, sit.

No, thank you. Thanks
for your cooperation.

Thank you.

- The green one is for company. The
blue one is yours. -

That was close.

You were sent to Earth...

to punish me, weren't you?

I'm sorry, Dennis, but listen, none
of this'll happen again because...

everything's fine.

- This bites.
- Yeah.

We should just go home.

Yeah.

At least at home
they have cable.

- Baywatch!
- Baywatch!

Baywatch!

Come on, you guys. Do you know
how much trouble we'd be in?

We? It wasn't
my dumb idea.

Yeah, we could
just blame it on you guys.

Yeah, it was your idea.

- Hi, Warren. Hey, Gail.

At last I had the authority to give
directions over the whole scene.

I felt as if I were walking
with destiny.

- And that all my past life had been
but a preparation... - What is that?

- ...for this hour and for this trial.
- Winston Churchill.

The Jimi Hendrix
of the spoken word.

- Who's Jimi Hendrix? - The Michael
Jordan of the electric guitar.

Dennis, are you busy?

Is that a trick question?

No. Look, I know I said I wouldn't
bother you, but... you gotta help me.

Look, they're thinking about going home. If
this thing blows up, I could... go to prison.

Yeah, sure, I can see it now.

Just as the warden
straps you into the chair,

your dad says,
"It's a dirty shame, Nancy.

The kid had such... potential."

Exactly.

I mean, they talk about me like I'm unemployed
or something. I mean, I'm just a kid, you know?

And what do they say
when you... tell them that?

Well, I mean, I try, but...

Do you know what the first law
of the theatre is, Mud?

- What?
- Talk loud enough for people to hear you!

Oh.
Yeah.

So, uh,

Are you gonna help me?

Much better.
No.

I'll, uh...
I'll pay you 200 bucks.

So you think you can buy me?

Well, sure you can.

Let the games begin!

First event:
synchronized swimming. Very good.

Second event:
Greco-Roman wrestling!

Oh-ho, very impressive.
Filthy!

Come on, bobsledding team!

Wipeout!

Final event:
Mud in the mud!

But the people
were filled with fear.

They prayed for seven
days and seven nights...

until the heavens finally
answered their call.

And so, the goddess defeated
the army of demons.

Then, vomited up
the sun and the stars...

back into the inky
curtain of heaven.

And thus, the
heavens were preserved.

Then, the
windmill of the gods...

began to turn...
again.

That was really, really cool.

Thanks a lot, Dennis.

♪♪

- Thanks, Gaby.
- You're welcome.

- Whatcha doin'?
- Omelettes.

- Here, get to work. - What's wrong
with Pop Tarts and Slim Jims?

I don't know. I just kind
of got tired of the stuff.

Why don't you
chop some mushrooms?

I don't get it.
I mean,

what happened to the part about
the best summer of our lives?

I mean, why do we end up doing all the
work? Same reason we don't shoplift...

or cut class:
it's a curse.

- I shoplifted once.
- Ha! You stole something?

- Uh-huh.
- Ten to one you went back and paid.

Okay, you're right.
It's a curse. I...

Look, I'm just glad
there's two of us.

Me too.

Okay, troops, line up.

Ashley: mushroom.
Amber: onion.

- Lenny: plain.
- Cheese!

- You said plain.
- Cheese!

- Plain.
- Cheese.

- Plain. Plain.
- Cheese. Cheese.

- Cheese.
- Plain.

Okay, fine, you win.
Plain.

Who says you can't learn
anything from cartoons?

Good one.

So, keep it bandaged till the
weekend, don't get it wet...

and if anybody asks, you took
a bullet for the president.

All right. So you and your dad been
sharing chores in the kitchen?

Oh, yes.
Every meal.

That must be tough with your
dad working all the time.

Oh, no, see, he makes the time.

Yeah. Because we...
we do stuff together.

We play baseball.
Yeah. And we, uh,

chase squirrels?

I mean, we talk a lot! Yeah, we talk a lot.

And, uh... And you... I mean,
me and him, we're... Well,

we're best friends.

He gives me tons of advice
about teenage problems like...

on drugs and alcohol
and girls and...

kisses and teachers
and acne and peer pressure.

Great.

He's my role model.

Well, uh, I think
you'll pull through.

You could stand to gain
a few pounds though.

Well, if you're concerned about the nutritional
arrangements, why not check 'em out yourself?

Pardon me? Come over
for dinner Friday.

If I don't feed you from all four food groups,
you can report me to the authorities.

- That won't be necessary. - Come on.
It's part of the Hippocratic oath.

I don't recall Hippocrates
mentioning dinner.

Then he was a fool.

Come on. Don't make me
burn the kid's arm again.

I'll be there.

All right.

But how could you invite her over?
I mean, she's gonna find out.

Mud, in a couple of years,
two things will happen:

one: you'll grow a ridiculous mustache that
looks like fruit mold on your upper lip;

two: you'll suddenly
understand why men...

invite charming,
attractive women to dinner.

- But, Dennis... - Relax, Mud. Van
Welker will protect your secret.

Besides, Mom always
wanted me to marry a doctor.

- Ow!
- Bonjour, guys. We got beer.

Zack, they're gonna card you.

Chill, Mud.

This is way covered.

I.D.? You gotta be 19
to buy this stuff.

No problemo.

You were born in 1963? Yeah.

So that
would make you... 21.

No! This is 1994.
That would make you 31.

Wrong.
If he was born in 1963,

and he's 21 then it's 1984.

Can I see that I .D.,
Bobby?

Purchasing alcohol with a fake I.D.
is a crime in this state, son.

But it's for my dad!
He's in the parking lot.

He's very, very, uh, handicapped.
I'll go get him.

I'm sorry, son. Get Officer Hendricks
over here. Tell him we got an underage.

Let's go, son.
No! Dad!

Dad?

- Dad?
- Dad.

This guy didn't believe I was buyin'
beer for you 'cause of your bum leg.

Oh.

So, you had trouble
buyin' brew...

for your dear, old dad.

Hey, son?
That's my dad.

Sorry for the
misunderstanding, Mike.

But, the beer is for me.

Breakfast of champions.

Yeah.

I do love my beer.

Mmm.
Hey, look at this.

Looks real, eh?

Well, it's...
it's very lifelike, sir.

Ha-ha! And you don't
waste time washing it.

A little floor wax twice a
month and I'm in business.

- Uh-huh. - That was close.

Oh, I know.
Tres close.

- Dennis, there's a cop following us.
- Uh-oh. It's Hendricks.

What are we gonna do?

Wigwam Wash 'N Go? What are
we doing at a car wash?

This'll never work.
Haven't you ever heard of a clean getaway?

- I still think we could have got the beer.
- Yeah, and you could've gotten probation.

Stay in the car. I'll check it out.
Hey, see you, guys.

Pull up, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. We've got
an emergency here. Okay.

Radioactive road grit. If you just
pull up forward, I'll get you goin'.

Thanks, ma'am.

- Help you, Officer?
- Yeah. Have you seen a...

Haven't I seen you
out at the Feln place?

Phlurm. Come on, just pull in. Spiff
up the cruiser for you. No charge.

Thanks.

No problem.

Hey, have you seen any
Caribbean yellow Gremlins?

No, but I seen a couple
of little blue pixies.

Do I get out or what? No!
Just roll up your window.

- Oh, damn.
- Phlurm, what the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna talk you through the process.
A little service Wigwam provides...

to help the customers better
understand the car wash experience.

This is soap
that's biodegradable.

Think how much this would hurt.

If we used old-fashioned
abrasive brushes! Ah!

Industrial grit remover.
You can feel it working.

Whoa! Gotta love it!
Gotta love it!

We rinse with water
heated to 130.

Or maybe 140 degrees!

Finally, the gentle air drying.

And there you have it.
Thanks for...

using Wigwam.

Dennis, what happened?

Complimentary hot wax.

Hurry, get in!

Okay, time for another
letter to our parents.

Now, the computer camp had a big pizza
cookout on Friday. We watched Star Trek IV.

- Everybody seen that? - Is that the one
where he fights the big Russian guy?

Arnold, that's Rocky IV.

- How do you spell pizza? - No, no, Lenny,
look, you're at fat camp, remember?

You don't get pizza at fat camp. You get... I don't
know, chicken breasts with lemon. Now write that down.

Pizza in fat camp.
What a dope!

Check the Barney.

Yeah, why don't you tell them about how you
won the pie-eating contest too, Lenny?

Oooh.

Sniff my butt,
toe-breath.

- Would you guys shut up?
- Hey, midget, find my Waldo.

- What Waldo?
- Would you guys be careful?

- Back off, geek! - You're gonna
put somebody's eye out with that!

I'm turning into my parents.

Eeew.

Mud? Can I come in?

Are you okay?

This whole camp was my idea.

But nobody listens to me, you know.
I mean, everybody hates me.

Everybody does not hate you.

No, just everybody in camp
and all the girls.

Girls don't hate you.
You think girls hate you?

Gaby, I'm a geek. You're not a geek.
Morris...

Gaby, look, I'm a geek.
All right?

It's okay for boys to be geeky.
For a girl, it's different.

I could wind up wearing a hairnet
and serving Jell-O in a cafeteria.

No, that won't happen, because, you
know, tons of girls start out...

lumpy.

But, uh, I mean, that'll all change. You
know, you'll lose a little bit of weight.

Then you'll start
to grow some...

chests.

And then you'll be, you know, I don't know, going
out with guys that hang me up by my underwear.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Let's make an oath, okay?

When we get cool, neither of us will
go out with those kind of jerks, okay?

Who will we go out with?

Each other.

I mean, ex-geeks like us.

- Because we'll be cool.
- Okay. Deal.

I mean, later.

Right.
When... we're cool.

Right.

One sick puppy!

Rubber chicken.
Figures.

Well, Van Welker.

Hmm.
Easy Cheese.

Can I help you?

So, um, exactly how much butterfat
is there in your low butterfat Brie?

I think, um, like three or
four milligrams an ounce.

Wow.
That's low!

So, is that less than your
cholesterol-free Dutch Gouda back there?

- I'll have to check.
- And a lactic acid, salt...

Gotcha, Van Welker.

Ready for dinner, son?
Ready, Dad.

All right. Hand-held video
game, downstage right on the couch.

Mitt and comic books here.

- Galactic Gladiator. Whose are those?
- They're mine.

You read comics? I thought you
were a 62-year-old in a kid suit.

Yeah, well, I have to
hide 'em when I'm at home.

If my dad sees 'em, he'll say somethin' stupid
like, "Morris, you're too smart to read comics."

Remember, Mud, just 'cause you're smart
doesn't mean you can't act stupid.

It's your constitutional
right, young man.

Okay.
For tonight's menu,

chicken, lima beans!

Lima beans?
Ha.

- Sorry, I don't eat lima beans.
- Sorry, pal.

It's our green vegetable. We gotta convince
the lovely doctor that your daddy...

is taking good care
of you, Morris.

The reason I came to camp was to get away
from computers and lima beans, so forget it!

I'm not gonna eat it.

- I don't have time to argue.
- Too bad.

- How 'bout a buck a bean?
- What?

One dollar for every bean you eat.
Ten beans, ten bucks.

- No. - Come on! That's more than
the government pays farmers...

- ...not to grow 'em.
- Fine.

- Good!
- Great!

Hello?

- Remember, we're a happy family.
- I'm happy!

- We're up!
- I'm up.

- We're positive.
- I'm positive!

- We're making eye contact.
- Fine!

- Anybody home?
- Come in.

Hi.

- Good evening.
- Hi.

- Boy, this chicken is really great.
- Great lima beans, Dad.

- 63.
- Wow!

I've never seen a kid with such a taste
for lima beans. This is amazing.

- 64.
- Yeah, it's great.

Just don't fill up
on those things, Morris.

We've got ice cream for dessert.

- I got plenty of room.
- Slow down, Morris.

- 70!
- I'd hate to see you choke.

I'll get the ice cream.

- He's a really great kid.
- Yeah.

You get a lot of help
from his grandparents?

I, uh...

He had a great relationship
with my father.

But, uh, Dad died
a couple of years ago.

- I'm sorry.
- Mud, you must miss your grandpa, huh?

Uh, yeah, but he promised
to take me fishing next fall.

I haven't had the heart
to tell him yet.

That's not healthy, Dennis.

I know. I know.
Soon.

♪♪

You got a stomachache
or something?

Hungry?

Are you homesick?

Hey, you can help me
clean this carburetor.

- We'll play poker!
- Can we make a necklace?

You want me to make a necklace?

Okay, a necklace it is.

This kind of necklace?

All right. Why don't you take
this back to your cabin,

pick out the ones you like and
tomorrow we'll make me a necklace.

Thanks, Zack.

♪♪

That was really sweet, Zack.

Yeah.

You know, if you were wearing
a skirt right now, I'd be in heaven.

Tres immature, don't you think?

Yeah. Sorry I'm not
mature enough for you.

And her dad was a surgeon.

And he's wiped out. I think
we should put him to bed.

Which room is his?

Um, that one.
I gave him the big one.

- Need help?
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.

- I got it.
- Okay.

So, anyway, his dad
was a surgeon.

And I was the rebel and became
a general practitioner.

- Are you sure I can't help?
- Oh, no, you stay there.

- Pour yourself some more wine.
- Okay.

He sure loves his room.

So you're really
gonna drop out, huh?

Yeah. Probably.

Yeah, well, I've thought
about dropping out.

And then, you know,
go back and get my degree later.

Well, that's what
Drew Barrymore did.

Yeah, but you can't drop out!

I mean, who'd sing The Greatest
Love of All at assembly?

Don't remind me.

Yeah, it must be hell being the
most popular person in our grade.

- Yeah, you should know.
- Nah.

People don't really like me.
They're just afraid of me.

Yeah, well,
I'm not afraid of you.

- You're not?
- Nope.

'Cause you're not that big.

And you're not as bad as you
want everyone to think you are.

Yeah, well, I'm not
afraid of you either!

The only question on the final
was, what didn't you learn in this class?

- Cool! That's great!
- Yeah.

- So why did you quit?
- Huh?

Teaching, I mean.

Uh, I, uh,

don't know.

I think I remember
why I started.

I had this naive notion
that I could reach the kids,

inspire them,
not just to be actors,

inspired... accountants,

inspired trombone players,

inspired doctors.

Like you.

♪♪

♪♪

I'll kick your butt!
Come here! Where are you?

♪♪

We're out here, in Mud's room.

Good Lord,

there must have been a tornado.

- Guess I owe you an explanation.
- You owe the parents an explanation.

- I told you, my parents are the problem.
- Mine too.

Kids can get hurt or sick overnight
with no adult supervision.

I'm an adult.

Technically.

Look, I'll...
I'll look after them.

I'll be a full-time adult.

Oh? Like you were
a full-time drama teacher?

And Mud's father?

Well, the father part...

was... a stretch,

but the teacher,
the free spirit,

the sexual dynamo, that's me.

I bet you don't even
like lima beans.

Celeste,

do you really think I'd let
anything happen to these kids?

There's two weeks left
in the summer.

I'll let you examine
every one of them.

They're not criminals.

Give 'em a break, please?

Please?

I don't like this.

I really, really
don't like this.

Trish is the lead in Annie, directed
by Steven Spielberg's nephew.

- And we're not gonna see it!
- Well, I'm sure Caitlin won't mind.

Trish, dear.
Her name is Trish. And I mind.

No Parents' Day.
It's ridiculous!

Well, you know, we do have a standing
invitation from your sister upstate.

Let's make a weekend of it
and just drop by, hmm?

What are they gonna do,
spit on us?

I suppose that depends on how
much she's been drinking.

Not your sister, dear.
I meant the camp people.

Uh, hello,
this is Michael Burkey.

We heard the Prescotts are coming to
see their Trish in Annie this Sunday,

so we thought we'd come
see our Heather too.

Hi, this is Dorothy Welton,
Walter's mom.

Now, I know you discourage
parents from visiting,

but my husband will be in the
area on a business trip Sunday...

Yeah. Business trip?

Right!
He owns a dry cleaners.

Maybe he's going
to a stain convention.

We're screwed.
We are so screwed.

We're screwed.

- Not necessarily, you guys. - We're worse
than screwed, you guys, we're dead.

- I've got an idea. - Blow your idea,
dwarf. We can't fight our parents.

You know he's right, Mud. They're older,
they're meaner and they outnumber us.

- But I've got an idea! - Besides,
maybe if we come up with something...

Shut up, Zack!

- You want me to pound him?
- Yeah, Zack. You want him to pound me?

You're not gonna let this pygmy
tell you what to do, are you?

That's what he's been doing all along.
This whole camp was Mud's idea.

If it wasn't for Mud, I'd be scrubbing
toilets with a toothbrush at Steelgrave.

- Zack, you said it was your...
- Shut up, Tim!

Get up there, buddy.

Okay, you guys, it's simple.

- All the parents want a Parents'
Day, right? -

Okay, so we'll give 'em a Parents' Day, all
four camps. And on the day that they want it.

You guys, it's like
Winston Churchill once said,

"All our past lives has been
but a preparation...

for this hour
and this trial."

Okay, forget Winston Churchill.

Look, anybody who wants
to give me the next 36 hours...

to pull off the greatest
scam of all time,

just raise your hand.

♪♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I got eight little fingers
and only two thumbs ♪

♪ Will you leave me in peace
while I get the job done ♪

♪ Can't you see
I'm working on it ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm working on it ♪
♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm working on it ♪
♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Well, they're coming from above
me They're coming from below ♪

♪ Yeah, they're right behind me
everywhere that I go ♪

♪ And my buddy, he's screaming
down the telephone line ♪

♪ He says, gimme, gimme, gimme
'cause I ain't got the time ♪

♪ I said, oh
Oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm working on it ♪
♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Oh-oh
I'm working on it ♪

Yes!
♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Oh, how 'bout lovin', girl
Just you and me ♪

♪ Take a day
Take a day, yeah ♪

♪ And fly ♪
♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Oh, this job has got
the best of me ♪

♪ Working on it ♪

♪ Oh-oh
I've been working on it ♪♪

Anyway, I gotta go do laundry.
I'll see you Sunday at 3:00.

Okay, bye.

Hi, Mom.
Yeah, this is Arnold.

Hey, guess what? There's gonna
be a Parents' Day after all.

Bravo, bravo!

We shall defend our island,
whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight on the beaches. We
shall fight on the landing grounds.

We shall fight in the fields
and in the streets.

We shall never surrender.

The enemy's arrived.

Okay, cue Savage.

Savage to foxhole.
We've got company.

- Roger.
- Roger.

Stop! Stop!

Come on, come on. Fire zone, stay down!

Stay down! Fire zone!

- Hi, Dad.
- Nice to see you.

Full field exercise. All campers
and parents are combatants.

More firepower.

Watch your six.

Come on, Dad.
Move your jets!

Oh! Damn it!

- Our job is to post the ridge
and hold the position. - Check.

- Okay, whatever you do... Heads up!
- Hey!

- Watch out for...
- Booby traps?

Yes!

Okay, remember, we can't leave
our positions, even to piss.

Major says that's
tantamount to desertion.

Yeah.

- Check.
- Attack!

Fox is in the hole. We'll
check on him in a few hours.

- Okay, military parents in the
hole. Hatch shut. - Got it!

Let's hit the switch. Go signs, go actors.
Dennis, you are up.

Exit Savage.

Enter Grotowski.

Direct hit.
Ready for drama camp.

Hey! This is my goddamn house and
I'll talk any goddamn way I want to!

Now, Stanley! There's no call to
use such language to Blanche.

No,
no, Eileen, Stanley is animal,

savage!

What, what? Can you not
see I am with children?

Bob Spiegel, Arnold's father. We're
looking for the production of Annie.

This is Tennessee
for Tots Workshop.

Theater is down the hill.

You must hurry.
You are late.

- Late? Parents' Day starts at noon.
- Nine!

- Arnold told me noon!
- Hurry!

Tennessee to H.Q.,
the Spiegels have landed.

God, I hate these horse shows!

This is theater camp, dear.

Two theater bogies
on final approach.

- Talk 'em in, Amber.
- Ready sound, ready chorus, ready, Walter.

- Damn it, how did you screw up the time?
- She distinctly said it was noon!

I'm sorry, the place is packed.

But I'll let you in the side door
so you can watch from the wings.

Go!

Roger that.

♪♪

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya, tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day ♪

♪ A-way ♪♪

Blind 'em!

- Let's go, let's go!
- Thank you!

Bravo, bravo!

Oh, hi, Mom!
Mom, Dad!

Oh, darling!

You were... wonderful!

- How did I do?
- Loved that opening number.

They bought it.
Let's go!

Yes!

Theater parents, gone. Move Annie out.
Everything.

Raise the dummies, hurry!
Raise the Christmas tree.

Don't forget the snow. We've gotta
clean out the room for fat camp.

Hurry! Hurry!

Ready for the fatties. Go sign,
go liverwurst, go aerobics music!

♪♪

Yes!

Sleek-away sign, clear!

All right, let's sweat!

♪♪ Tummies
tucked, buttocks pinched!

Only 600 more!

Then you can taste some of
our famous chocolate cake!

- Where are the C-rations?
- Right here.

- How's your dad?
- Miserable. He hates liverwurst.

Thanks.

Oh, my God!
Mom?

- Oh, my God, you are so skinny!
- Really, I can explain.

You see, it...
I'm what?

Look at you, you're bony. What,
did you lose 10, 15 pounds?

- Here, turn around. Let me look at you.
- Mom, Mom stop!

What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be in the islands.

I missed you.

- What? - Well, look at you,
you're practically svelte.

Yeah.

- Mom?
- Hmm?

- I'm really glad you came.
- Me too.

- You want a piece of chocolate cake?
- Sure.

Hey, Dad,
how're you holdin' out?

Freezing my nuts off!

Well, you can thaw 'em out later.

We got a cease fire till 12:45, so I
snuck some lunch through the lines.

All right.

- Hey, watch out!
- What? What?

Oh, a decoy.
Here.

Oh, man, that looks good.
Thanks.

I give up!

- Mom? What?
- Sorry to wake you, Officer.

T.R. Polk,
Bulldog Collections.

Trying to get a line on a 1979
Gremlin, Caribbean yellow.

That's strange.
So am I.

Is that so?

Tell me, you happen
to know this guy?

Mr. Polk, I think we have
something to talk about.

- This is ridiculous!
- Dad!

Duck!

Have a good one!

Loads on the road.
Go.

- All right, fat parents are
clear. What's next? - Hurry up!

We have 16 minutes to pull the switch.
This is the big one.

Alright, go, go, come on!
Change to the last sign.

Check.

Fire.

- Hurry, Tim!
- Got it!

- Uh-oh.
- We got trouble. The sign's stuck!

We got a snafu at the sign, Mud.

We're in big trouble!

Go, go!
Come on, Jill.

- Pull!
- It's stuck!

We'll be there in a couple of minutes.
I knew we could do it in two hours.

Talk to me, Amber.

- How much time do we have?
- 15 seconds.

Pete, Tim, do something!

Tim, it's over!
We're dead!

Whoa!

The sign's clear.

We may have lost Jill.

Oh, boy.

Let's go!

You see, 82.5 miles.

The nerds are here.
Over.

I just don't understand
how we messed up the time.

- I thought it started at 5:00. - Like I
said, mega-regrets for the time confusion.

You can still catch
the end of our demo.

This is our computer center. We have 60
substations linked to our Cray 3000.

- Okay, we're cracking codes.
- Entry codes of course.

- We're into Pineview.
- Let's see what we can do in mode yellow.

- What are you doing, boys?
- Mode yellow?

Is this Pineview...
Air Force Base?

"Status confirm.
Yes or no?"

- Yes! - Yes! - No!

Okay, let's scramble the jets.

- Good Lord, what is happening here?
- Relax, it's not a real alert.

They can't crack Pentagon codes.

Can you?

Incoming!

Well, that
concludes our demonstration.

We have to perform some,
uh, routine maintenance.

Don't worry. Everything's
gonna be all right.

Dennis will fix it. I just think I
should stay here and help him out.

- No problem. We'll be waiting
out in the car. - Good idea.

Good-bye.
Thanks for coming.

We have to report back
to the interrogation tent.

Well, I-I-I-I'd like
to go, Son,

but I've got a busy day tomorrow:
a few meetings, dry cleaners.

- I'll see you when you get home from camp.
- Okay.

It's a fine camp.

I had a great time.

Don't worry. I read in Newsweek some
14-year-old kid cracked the AT&T computers.

- Now he gets 100,000 a year as a
security consultant. - Excuse me, folks.

You haven't, by any chance,
seen this man, have you?

You mean Mr. Wozniak?

Okay, he was
right... here.

Huh?

Dennis Van Welker?

Morris?

Hi, Dad.

Where's Van Welker, kid?

Uh, I seriously,
truthfully do not know.

Mr. and Mrs. Himmel.

This kid says Van Welker's got
a cabin down by the lake, sir.

- Ricky!
- Huh. He tortured me.

Send somebody to get him. I want to
talk to this Van Welker clown, pronto!

Yes, sir.

Mr. and Mrs. Himmel,

how much weight
did your son actually lose?

Dennis, they're coming
after you, Dennis. Look, the cops!

I mean, the moms are going crazy
and the kids are getting worried!

- Whoa-oh, slow down!
- What are we gonna do?

Mud, I can't really speak for "we."
I can only speak for "me."

And "me" is getting out of here just
as fast as my Goodyear radials can go.

Dennis, this is serious.

Yes, it is.
A lot more serious for me than for you.

You're a kid! What can they do?
Spank you? Ground you?

If they ground me, Mud,

it's gonna be
in a concrete room,

with a vertical bar motif
and a 200-pound fiancee named Duke.

- Dennis, you can't just leave.
- Look, Mud, it's gonna be okay.

Here's what you do: get lost, vanish
into the woods for five, six hours.

When you show up, they'll be so glad
you hadn't been eaten by bears,

they'll let
the other stuff slide.

- I guess.
- Guaranteed!

It'll be like
a movie-of-the-week!

Okay.

Mud, sit down a minute.

I'm sorry things
didn't work out, Mud.

Sometimes the windmill
of the gods...

casts us up to the stars.

Sometimes it flings us
down into the dirt.

Au revoir,

mon ami.

See ya.

- Hey, Mud.
- Dr. Dunbar.

How come you're not at camp?

- Camp's over, we got busted.
- Yeah, I know.

Where's Dennis?

The police are looking for him.
I mean, if they catch him...

Yeah, he'll be held responsible.

So, let me guess.
He took off.

So, what are you doing here?

Uh, I don't know. I just thought I'd
hang out here in the woods for a while.

Right, right.

Till your parents were so worried about you
they wouldn't think about punishing you.

Something tells me
that wasn't your idea.

Been planning this
for five, six years.

The camp idea was perfect!

Find kids with access to cash,

get 'em away from their
parents, lots of junk food.

Win their confidence, then start
with the religious indoctrination.

- He didn't take off.
- No, I guess he didn't.

His title was "Most High
And Holy Worship."

Rama Sri Havagnoli.

- That's H-A-V-A...
- Nice try, Dennis.

Look, you guys,

this whole thing wasn't
his idea; it was my idea.

Ah, yes.

The Himmel child, very gullible.

He fell hook, line and sinker.
Show 'em your tattoo, Mud.

Okay, Dennis, you can drop it.

Look, if it was your idea,
where's the money?

Ah, yes, it's hidden.

In my sock?

Look, Officer, I-I-I don't
know what's going on,

b-b-but I know my boy Morris
is a good boy...

- Dad, you don't know. - He's too
smart to get involved in anything.

Dad, just 'cause I'm smart
doesn't mean I can't act stupid!

Well, if Mud's guilty, I am too.

Me too.

I'm smart enough to act stupid.

Yeah, and I'm stupid too!

Well, you know what I mean.

I can't believe nobody's pressing charges.
This guy's gonna walk.

Not necessarily. He still owes
me 2,800 bucks in penalties.

Who do I see about
gettin' a bench warrant?

Excuse me, Mr. Polk. About the money Dennis
owes you, I think this will cover it.

- You're a little short.
- Well, you're a little fat.

Besides, I mean, come on, if you sue him, what are
you gonna get, a couple Winston Churchill albums?

- Please? Come on.
- I could write it off against expenses.

T.R. Polk retires
with a perfect record.

Hey, Mud!

- If you're ever in Boca, don't look me up.
- I'll do that.

- Guess I messed up pretty bad, huh?
- You messed up big time.

Anyway.

I, uh, I brought you something.

- Galactic Gladiator?
- September issue.

- He battles the, uh, Jupiter Squad.
- Yeah.

- Cool!
- Yeah, it is pretty cool.

By the way, you're
grounded until you're 30.

Yeah, I know.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Hey, Mudster. What
do you think of my new wheels?

Hey, it looks great! Zack,
you're giving away your new car?

Just till I graduate.

Zack, you're not dropping out?

Gotta be there for
The Greatest Love of All.

Hey, Mud!

Dennis!

Well, Mud, I hope you've learned
something from all this.

- Yeah, I probably did.
- Good.

- When you figure it out, you will
let me know, won't you? - Mm-hmm.

- It was a great summer, Dennis.
- I kind of enjoyed it too.

Thanks.

Your parents okay
about all this?

Yeah, my dad's just glad I
didn't get arrested, you know?

Wouldn't look good
on my college application.

Now all they have to worry
about is coming up...

with $20,000 a year
to send you there.

$20,000?

You see, Mud...

- ...you really do have...
- Potential?

- Maybe next summer.
- I'll call you.

- Trish?
- Oh, hi, Daddy.

Don't you think that Zack should
wait here for his own parents?

Uh, couldn't he ride with us?

Please?

- Come on, Zack.
- Sure, Mitch.

Hey, Mud.

Well, thanks for a great summer.

- Ow! Wha...
- You promised! Only ex-geeks.

I know, I know.
I'm... sorry.

Well... bye.

Bye.

- Dennis!
- Huh?

I'm just proud of him, that's all.
Tough to watch my boy grow up, though.

Uh, bye. - Bye

- I'll see you. Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Adios.

- Bye, Dr. Dunbar.
- Bye, Mud.

♪♪

♪♪

Walter!

What?

Walter, I've been thinking.

You know, you're a big talker,

but do you have the guts?

W-W-What are you
talking about?

Well, Walter,

everyone else is at the
other end of the beach.

Do... you have...

the guts?

Whoa!

Yes!

Gee, Walter,

you really do have the guts.

Just not an extra bathing suit.

Betty?

Betty!

Betty?

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere ♪♪

Bet-ty!