Camp Murder (2021) - full transcript

-[whistling]
-[knocking on door]

-[man] Hey, Phil?
-[Phil] Yeah?

-[man] We're about to go up.
-[Phil] Going up in what?

-[man] Five.
-[Phil] Going live in five?

[man] Yeah.

[Phil]
Yeah, all right, fuck it.

[coughing]

Uh, yeah, yeah, okay.

[lighter clicks]

[inhaling]

[coughing]



Adamsville...
[coughing]

[Phil] Okay.
All right, go ahead.

♪

[Phil]
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Hello, and welcome,
all listeners.

It's the spookiest man
on Adamsville local airwaves,

DJ Freaky Phil,
coming at ya, live.

And may I just say,
happy Halloween

to all you cool cats
out there. [cackles]

And on this all Hallows Eve,
it is my duty,

and truly my pleasure
to regale you

with the most horrifying tale

to ever chill the bones

of this fine town.



Dig.

Back in the summer of 84,
seven of Adamsville High's own

decided to go on a trip.

They was all counselors
at the local summer camp.

And at the end of the summer,
they got their own weekend

to go party alone.

But this year,
they wasn't alone.

[cackling]

Find out what happens
to them next

after this brief message

from our lovely
and loyal sponsors.

[man]
Your friend is in grave danger.

[man 2] Oh, which one?

You know the sad,
pathetic one.

Looks like a poster child

for antidepressants.

Oh, Dan.

When I was a young boy,

Satan came to me as an
imaginary friend.

Daniel,
what are you doing?

I had no clue
as to what Satan really was.

I'm a monster.

You'd
be surprised, buddy.

[man] For
thousands of years,

Satan has corrupted
the souls of men.

[screeching & cackling]

[man]
Out of spite and jealousy.

Satan,
I asked you to stop putting

body parts in the freezer.

[man]
For it is through his seed

that he can
create the Antichrist.

[Satan] You really
like this girl, right?

[Daniel]
Every time I talk to her,

every time she talks,
I just freeze.

This time,
let me hold the ring.

[Daniel] For
the last time,

Satan, you can not
possess my mortal soul.

[man 2] Then, what happens?

I don't actually know
for sure.

But that shit
is definitely bad.

What is ideal,
is if we stop Lucy

before dad even realizes

he's out of the furnace,
where he belongs.

♪ I know
I've been changed... ♪

♪ I... ♪

I'm 80% sure I got my ass beat
by my guardian angel, okay?

♪ I know I've been changed ♪

♪ You know them angels
in heaven ♪

♪ Don't sign ♪

♪ Don't sign my name ♪

[ominous music playing]

[music fades]

[crowd chanting]

[Xavier] You don't know
that you've been waiting

your whole
life for this one moment.

You need to show
what you fight for.

Who you fight for.

But most importantly,
who you are.

Now go
knock his fucking head off.

Hey.
Yo, have you seen this?

[man on video]
One pro fight, right?

But this Xavier Hall mother--

But if you want to make
that fight happen...

-When'd he post this?
-Earlier today.

Do you really
wanna go in that ring

with a fighter who's
a title contender?

This is an opportunity
that just don't come

to any fighter starting out.

I'm giving you
more than hope.

I'm giving you option.

[indistinct]

That's all Pope shit,
that was all Pope.

What you saying,
you don't wanna fight?

[man] I'm sayin'
you're not worth the fight.

Hey, hey. Be cool tonight.
Be cool.

So,
you gonna take the fight?

I don't know yet.

I mean, I know I gotta tell
Quinn before anyone else does.

Why would you go
to any promoter

without telling me first?

[Xavier] I was gonna
tell you about the fight.

But I needed to wait
till the time was right.

If you were to do this,
how would you win?

[Xavier] I'm gonna try my best.

[Quinn] Your best
is way more than enough.

Thanks, man.

[upbeat music playing]

[both laughing]

'Cause that's what you do,
when you care, Xavier.

There's no way
you can possibly understand

what I'm going through.
[screaming]

[Lola] Xavier,
you can't blame yourself.

For what happens
to your pa.

They don't know
what you've been through

to get to this moment.

Show 'em.
Show 'em who you are.

[music fades]

[police sirens wailing]

[announcer]
Fellpeller Studios presents.

Mac n' Mac.

They may not be
the best cops on the force.

Come on, Crisco.
You're a pretty motherfucker.

You killed 16 people,
on your last operation.

[Crisco] Did you say people?

I think you meant
16 crackheads.

No, God damn it.
No, Crisco.

You know how I feel about
your crackhead antics.

[both laugh]

[Crisco] Shh. Smoke it.

-Smoke it. Come on. Smoke it.
-[Crisco] Here you go.

[Crisco] You, fuck head.
[Mac] You, fucking crackhead.

-[Crisco] You're disgusting.

[man] Crisco, no.

No. No. No.

-[muffled screaming]
-[Mac] You want that?

-You want that?
-[gunshot fires]

[Crisco] I see-- I see a house.

But on the inside,
I see ten crackhead bodies,

-lying on the floor.
-Ah, I'll give you fucking 11.

[announcer]
But when it comes to

-killing crackheads...
-[gun cocks]

[man] What the fuck is this?

-[Crisco] Fuck you, crackhead.
-[gunshot fires]

[announcer] ...they're
the right cops for the job.

Starring Jeff Johnson
and Luke Arreola

-as Mac n' Mac.
-No, it does.

Because if you're on crack
and you're supplying crack,

I'm gonna fuck you up.

[announcer]
And Josh Bzura as Chief.

-Mac n' Mac.
-[man shouting]

[man] You can't do this to me.
Come on.

[announcer]
Busting crackheads.

I just wanna go home
and do some crack with my kid.

[man screaming]

[announcer] Mac 'n Mac.

[Phil cackling]
And we're back.

I don't know about you
but I think

those look like some
pretty slick flicks, you dig?

And now folks, for the moment
you've all been waiting for.

Our feature presentation

on this extra spooky,
Halloween evening.

For all you
listening back at home

and all you watching along
on the big,

or small screen,
it is my pleasure

to present you,

the story of Camp Murder.

[music fades]

[ominous instrumental playing]

♪

All's I'm saying, man,
is keep an open mind.

I'm gonna open up
your mind with this thing,

if you don't stop trying to
shag my sister, you creep.

Listen, man.

You've always wanted
a brother, right?

And I've always
wanted to get my nuts

up in your sister's guts.

It's a win-win.

Well, all right.
Fair point.

Well,
what about this, though?

Let's say one of your semen
goes all "Rambo," right?

Finds its way
to my sister's tubes.

She gets knocked up,
then what?

Look at me,
would that be so horrible?

Ah. Yeah.
Yeah, it would, actually.

Then I'd have
a couple of retarded nephews

like you, running around.

Words hurt, Chubs.

Words hurt.

Well, maybe, but not as much
as this axe does.

[Ferg] Okay, fine, God!

[grunts] Here's to...

beer in a bottle.

Yeah.

[grunts]

[odd tinkling]

[glass smashing]

-That was weird.
-[Chubs] Yeah.

Sounded
like something caught it.

[both screaming]

[Chubs screaming]
Fucking Jesus Christ.

[screaming continues]

[Chubs screaming]

Mr. Buford. Mr. Buford.

[Mr. Buford]
Jesus fucking Christ.

You just gave me
a heart attack.

Sir, Ferg is dead.

-What?
-Uh, I-- I don't know.

We-- we-- we were out there,
and-- and a broken beer bottle

came out of the woods
and stabbed him in the chest.

Well... [sighs]

...did you see who it was?

I didn't see who it was.

It's dark out there.
I can't see fuck all.

All right.

Okay, uh...

you stay here.

Call Gus,
he's-- he's in town.

I'm gonna go see
what's going on.

Why call Gus?

Think it through, brainless.

It's the end of summer,
and we've got

counselors coming up
this weekend.

You have got to tell them,
not to come here.

You're right.

[tinkling]

[ominous music intensifies]

[squelching and body thudding]

♪

[screaming]

[axe blow lands]

[spooky synth music playing]

[soft, indistinct music]

-[phone ringing]
-[Phil] All right, folks,

opening credits are over
so pay attention

'cause this part's important,
it comes back

into play later
in the story.

Hello.

Hi, mom.

Yes, mom.
I'm gonna be home all weekend.

Casey's not gonna be alone.

Uh, who's gonna come over?

All of my friends
are gonna be at camp.

No, they're not getting paid
for the counselors' weekend.

Am I getting paid
to watch Casey?

Hmm.

Yeah. No, I know.

Okay.

Okay.

Love you too. Bye.

-[phone ringing]
-Hello?

[grunts] Hey, Mary. Goddamn.

You-- you answered fast,
you know that?

Andy? That's insane.
I was just about to call you.

[Andy]
Yeah, no. I know.

I know, I can, you know,
I can-- I can sense

these things, babe.
[chuckles]

[Mary]
Andy, are you smoking?

I'm not smoking a cigarette.

-Andy!
-[Andy] What?

Hey, we talked about this.

Yeah, you know,
the boys are over

and you said you don't have
a problem with grass.

It's not like I'm smoking
a dart or something.

[Mary sighs]

Yeah.

[Andy]
So, off the hook, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Off the hook.

Great, 'cause, babe,
let me tell you something.

I've got something that's
going to cheer you right up.

Guess where
you're coming tomorrow?

Camp, with us.

Ugh, Andy,
don't even say that.

It's just gonna make me upset.

-You know I can't come.
-And, why is that?

Because I promised my mom,
I'd watch Casey.

[Andy] You promised?

Yes.

Okay.
What exactly did you promise?

[Mary]
Just that I would watch Casey.

Just that you would watch her?

You didn't say
where you'd be watching her?

No. I just said
that she wouldn't be alone.

Okay. So, bingo-bango, babe.
That's problem solved.

All you gotta do is
you bring her with you.

You can even tell mom and pop
that you're bringing her.

She's not gonna be alone.

She's gonna be
the exact opposite of alone.

[Mary] Andy...

[grunts]
...don't be ridiculous.

Look, Mary,
I really didn't want to

bring this up, okay?

But this is
a very key stage

in our relationship

if-- if I'm just left
unattended,

like-- like
a free range buck,

you know, to my own devices
for a whole weekend.

Who's-- who's to say
what can happen?

I could really be swept
right off of my feet,

right off from under you.

Oh, yeah? By who?
Chester and Noah?

[laughs]

Stranger things have happened,
you know.

Somehow,
I just doubt that.

[Andy] All right, look, Mary,
I'm gonna come by your place

at nine am tomorrow morning,
okay?

If you don't want me to come,
then just say, "Stay away,"

right now, and I won't do it,
all right?

How's that?

Say, "Andy, I do not
want you to come pick me up.

"I'd much rather stay home.

"And, in fact,
I never even cared about you

in the first place."
Just say that and I won't come.

Okay, babe?

So, I'll see you at nine?

I'll think about it.

So, I'll see you at nine?

[Mary]
I will-- I will think about it.

[chuckles] Mary!

-Yeah?
-[Andy] I'll see ya.

I'll see ya.

[alarm clock beeping]

[beeping stops]

[sighs]

[car horn honks]

Casey?

Are you packed
for the weekend?

-[Mary] Hi.
-[Andy] Hey, ladies.

There she is,
prettiest girl on this planet.

[Mary chuckles]

[Andy] You know, your sister
does not look bad either,

does she, Case?

[chuckles] Ugh,
oh, and speaking of Casey,

you owe her $10.

-Do I, now?
-Mm-hmm.

My parents think I'm staying
home with her this weekend.

So, we're buying her silence.

Naturally.
Of course, we are.

Case, I better not see
more than $10

missing from there, okay?

-[Mary chuckles]
-[Casey] No promises.

Very funny.
You ladies ready to get going?

Yup.

Wait, why am I
the only kid coming to camp?

Uh, well, you know,
at the end of the summer,

when the kids all go home,

they let
the counselors come back.

Kinda run the show
for a weekend.

But don't you guys get bored
without kids?

-[Mary & Andy laughs]
-Usually, yeah. We do.

Um, this year, you're coming,
so we're not gonna have

-that problem.
[-Mary] Mm-hmm.

[Casey sighs]

-Oh, there she--
[Mary] Yeah.

I don't know how she does--

how you just fall asleep
like that?

-God, I wish I could do that.
-I resent her for it

if I'm being honest.

[Andy] Baby,
I'm just glad she likes me.

[sighs] Baby,
everybody likes you.

Thank you. [chuckles]

I really hate the way

this new haircut makes
my ears look...

I just really don't like it.

You lose points, by the way,
for not noticing.

I noticed. I-- I could tell
you didn't like it.

So, I pretended not to notice.

[Mary chuckles]
You're hilarious.

But seriously,

I just-- I can be
really sensitive about it.

Can you just make sure

they don't make fun of me,
okay?

What are you talking about?

You know how the guys can be.
They can be such assholes.

Just...

promise you won't let them
make fun of me.

Yeah. I promise.

Okay.

Ready to go?
Let's get going.

[car engine starts]

[slow indistinct rock]

-[Andy] Ready?
-[Mary] Yeah.

-[women screaming]
-[Andy] Boys, boys, boys.

What's up?
Big weekend. Jer Bear.

-[Jerry] What's up, man?
-[Andy] Looking good?

-[Jerry] How you doing?
-[Andy] So boys,

how'd you get up there?

So, did you talk
to him about it yet?

Shh. No, I haven't
talked to him about it yet.

Why? Come on.

I just really want this weekend
to be about having fun, Trish.

You can have some fun.

Some little alone time fun
with Andy.

Look, I just..

I don't really think
I'm ready for that yet.

Okay. Fine.

I just want you to, so badly.

I know you're ready.
It's fun.

I-- when I'm ready,

I know exactly
who to come talk to.

I can give you some tips.

[Mary] Oh, I know you can.

All right.
I'm calling the boys.

Let's do it.

[dialing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

Yell-o.

-Chez.
-Oh, it's Chez?

Let me talk to him.
Let me talk to him.

Hold on.
Andy wants to talk to you.

Yo, what's up, man?

-[Chester] Andy?
-[Andy] Yeah.

Uh, just letting you know,
we're leaving, like, right now.

So, we'll be there
in half hour, 35 minutes.

[Chester]
Sounds good, brother.

All right. Sweet.

[chuckling] Hey, man.
Call him an idiot.

-Hey, Andy.
-[Andy] Yeah.

-[Andy chuckles]
-[Chester] You're the best.

Thank you, man.
All right, I'll see you later.

[handset settles in cradle]

[Brett] What's the plan?
-[Andy] What's up, baby?

One love.

-You call him an idiot?
-No.

-Can you not hear me?
-No.

After you.

[Andy grunts]

We ready to go?

[Jerry] Born ready.

Trish, Jerry, Brett,

this is my little sissy, Casey.

Aw, I didn't know
you had a sister.

She looks just like you.

Well, she's actually
my stepsister, so...

Oh.

Sissy, what is a stepsister?
You never told me.

It's not important, Casey.
It doesn't matter.

-Jerry, are we ready to go?
-Hey. Hey. Hey.

On this vessel, I'm only to be
referred to as, Captain Jer.

And I'm ready.

I fucking hate Captain Jer.

By the way guys,
my dad gave me

his camera
to use for the weekend.

So, let's take some videos.
Here, Casey, get with Brett.

Cute.
Here, do you wanna try?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Just push that button
right there.

[Phil cackling on radio]

[Phil] Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, folks.

This next tune is called

"The Last Road Trip
You're Ever Gonna Take"

by the Darts.

[indistinct chatter
& laughter]

-[Mary] Get him.
-[Andy] Get him.

-[Mary] Get him, get him!
-[Andy] Get his ass.

-Get his ass!
-[all laughing]

[indistinct chatter
& laughter continues]

[Mary] Get her foot
on the ceiling, babe.

[Andy] Whoa.

[Mary] Whoa, look at that.
Loving it.

[Andy] Now, give me--

You're fed up with the world.

[indistinct laughter
and conversation]

[Mary] I'm literally
gonna kill you in two seconds.

[Trish] Oh, yeah?
Two seconds?

[Mary] Two seconds.
One, two--

[Andy] You're not gonna touch
my girl,

you're not gonna touch her.

[conversation trailing off]

[footsteps approaching]

Motherfucker.

You smoking in my kitchen?
Get the fuck out of here, man.

-Get out of here.
-My bad. My bad. My bad.

-You want?
-No, get out of here.

You gonna pass that?

Shit.

[Devon sniffing]

What the fuck?

[chuckles] Devon, man.

You scared
the shit out of us.

How long
y'all two been out here?

-[Noah chuckles]
-What time is it?

-[Devon clicks tongue] 8:30.
-Shit.

[both laughing]

Man, we've been out here
for like

five hours now [laughs].

So, you mean to tell me
y'all two clowns

been out here smoking it up,
chilling.

I'm in there
working on Mr. Chekov

trying to cook food
for you fools for this weekend.

And y'all couldn't even come in
to help?

-[Noah chuckles]
-Sorry, man.

But, uh, duty calls.

Duty calls, man. Duty calls.

[both chuckle]

At least let
me get in a hit, then--

[Noah] Yeah, of course, man.
You earned it.

Here.

You, lazy son of a
bitches.

[all] Sorry, Mr. Chekov.

My ass.

Anyway, there's food
for the weekend

and I have to go.

Oh, shit, me too.
Hey, Mr. Chekov.

You still got
that Walkman in there?

Oh, yes, my friend.
I almost forgot it.

-It's in my office.
-Hey, Mr. Chekov.

You still keep
your gun in there, too?

Yes, Chester. I do.

In fact, I keep it

in the right top hand drawer,
to be exact.

Very cool, man.

Very cool.

Yeah. Hope
no one forgets where it is.

Just in case
it becomes useful later.

Don't go fuck around with it.
It's not a toy.

Yeah, I'll get your bag.

Aw. You can't stay the weekend?

Can't even do it.

Well...

where are you guys' cars?

Oh, other
lot on the far side.

Okay. Well,
maybe we see you in the Fall?

I'll be around.

See ya.

[Trish] Boys.

I don't remember
bringing any bags.

I loaded them up
when no one was looking.

[Andy] All right.
Good enough for me.

You ladies get bored without
us?

-[Mary] Yes.
-[Trish] Brett.

[Mary] Always
bored without you.

Land ho!

What?

Like "land ho," you know,
the vessel arrived.

Land ho!

[Andy] We arrived
like seven minutes ago.

-[Jerry] I don't know, man--
-[Andy] To the cabin, then.

What's up,
smallish girl?

-Hi, I'm Casey.
-I'm Chester.

Do you know
you guys owe me $10?

-What? For real?
-[Noah chuckles]

[Casey] Mm-hmm.
[Noah chuckles]

[Casey] Each.

-Wha-- what? Such bullshit.
-Huh?

[Noah] Nothing.

Fuck that girl, dude.

For real, man. For real.

[Andy] You ready, man?

[Jerry] Yeah, man.
It's been a little while.

[Andy] All right. All right.
All right.

-Ready?
-[Jerry] Yes, sir.

[Andy] Let's start.

[playing "Chopsticks"
by Euphemia Allen off-key]

I don't want to fucking do this
with you, anymore, Jer.

It's been--
it's been a while, man.

Step into my office.

Come on.

[Devon sighs] All right.

It's in the closet.

[ominous music playing]

[music intensifies]

[Chekov screams]

[folksy guitar music]

♪ He's a lonely man,
he's going away ♪

♪ He's heading out
for the country ♪

♪ And he's going to stay ♪

♪ Follow me to the country ♪

♪ Don't leave me for memory ♪

♪ Follow me to the country ♪

♪ Don't leave me for memory ♪

[shutter clicks]

♪ Oh, my dear, sweet Rita ♪

♪ You know I love you so ♪

♪ I don't know
if I can make it ♪

♪ And I've gotta go ♪

♪ I've got to go ♪

♪ And I just can't make it
in this town ♪

♪ And I don't know
if I can make it ♪

♪ Without you around ♪

♪ Without you around ♪

-[music stops]
-[all applauding]