Cam (2018) - full transcript

Hey, guys.

Sorry, I had to pee.

As per usual.

Huh. I do? No, I don't.

I do?

No, I don't know how to do my makeup,

because, uh,
I literally stabbed myself in the eye

like three times today when I was trying
to put my mascara on.

So... whoops.

Giggle, I would love for you
to do my makeup.

We could play.



FireMANdy, dragon, cut it out.

Come on, you guys are so annoying.
I hate your inside jokes.

You know, if you guys
don't get to the cumshow,

I'm just gonna have to go off cam

and I'm gonna do it without you, so...

Nobody wants that, right?

But really?

I need it, so hurry up.

Uh! Diggy, thank you.

All right.

Spanks.

Um...

One... Oof.

Two...



Three. Oh, my God, my butt's gonna hurt.

Four.

And five.

And one for good luck.

Cut it out.

No more jokes.

Come on, guys. We are so close
to the cumshow, Tinker,

I'm waiting patiently.

Barney!

Yellow log gets you bounces.

Ready?

Huh, huh, huh...

What is that?

Nice, Dumpy.

All right, two more.

For you, Tiny.

Oh, thank you, Carpie,
you're so sweet.

Oh, I love this song.

Oh, yes, Barney!

Finally. Okay. It's time to vote.

You guys get to pick which one
will fit me just right.

We have...

little baby bear, which is ten tokens.

He looks like a bear.

And then we have Momma Bear
for 20 tokens.

And then Big Papa Bear.

Bye, Can. Big Papa Bear is 50 tokens,

and I don't know what this thing
is gonna do, but...

We'll figure it out. Thank you, dumpty.

Okay, vote.

Who will it be?

Hm.

Come on guys, choose one.

Get it together.

Okay, seriously, dude, fuck off.

Goodbye. Anyway...

What the hell?

All right, dude, does this turn you on
while you jack it in your mom's basement?

Do you guys see this?

Carpy, come on.

Fine.

Is this what you want?

Hm?

Is it?

I'll fucking do it.

Gotcha.

Amazing. I think we really got 'em.

Look! We're 53.

We've worked so hard.

Aren't you excited?

Okay, you don't care.

Have a great night.

Have a great night.

Have a great night.

Zombie girl says goodnight.

Zombie girl says goodnight.

Hey, Tink.

How you feeling?

This chickadee's at 53.

- Yes, she is.
- Yeah.

I think asking you to cut up
your pussy was a nice touch.

Oh, my gosh, yeah,
you really got the room riled up.

- You make such a good anonymous visitor.
- Thank you.

- BarnacleBob seems to like it.
- I know!

I think I finally caught my whale.

I hope so. I just worry you might be
trying to make another girl jealous.

I don't care. He's a huge tipper.

Tink, don't you want us to make
number one this year?

Of course!

Sixty-five to 53, that has to be a record.

- You wanna take a nice bath, relax?
- Sure.

Oh, tonight went so well! I told you
people are craving crazy shows.

They are! Those guys get so nasty.

Yeah. What the fuck was that?

Are you kidding me? It was amazing.
It felt so real.

Anyway, how was the job hunt?

Oh... you know.

Well, you're in IT.
I'm sure you'll find something.

No, yeah, I guess you're right.
I've been looking

into maybe moving out of the state,
actually.

- There's more opportunity, I guess.
- Fuck.

Everyone's still online.
I should get back on.

Give them a chance to miss you.

Food!

Thank you.

Oh! What's that?

- Looks fancy.
- Sushi.

You know what, Tink? Um...

- I think I'm gonna go.
- Why, my chickadee?

- Don't you wanna try the bubble bath?
- No, I do, I do.

I, um...

I'm just really tired.

- You know, next time, I promise.
- Sorry, Tink.

- Hey, sweetheart.
- Barney!

Hi!

Did you like the show?
Number one, here I come!

You're pretty wild, aren't you?

Oh, you know it.

- But seriously, thank you.
- Don't worry about it.

Princess X has been slacking off.
You snooze, you lose.

I bet she's missing you
right now, huh?

You look beautiful, even covered in blood.

Mm!

You know, I was thinking
about getting in this bath.

Don't let me stop you.

- Aww, thanks, Barney.
- Any time.

Let's have some fun.

- Ow.
- Do you want a unibrow for your date?

I just don't understand why
you won't tell me his name.

Because you would just go
chasing after him yourself.

- You kidding?
- Mom?

I have no idea what hot knocks is,
so I just grabbed all of these.

Okay. What do you think?

Is my daughter a sweetheart,

or a red vixen?

Can I go now?

Sure.

- Thank you.
- Don't forget to pick up the folding table

- on your way home.
- Ugh. Fine.

It's for your birthday.

A little enthusiasm wouldn't kill you.

You're gonna be there, right, Alice?

- Alice.
- What?

- Saturday.
- Yeah. No, Jordan, I'll get it off.

That looks nice.

When can I see your new place?

I don't know. When I'm less busy.

I really wish you wouldn't do that.
It's not a good look.

Come on.

- Hey.
- Jordo, come here.

- So, guess what?
- What?

I... I slit my throat last night.

Holy shit.

- That's actually kinda cool.
- Thanks.

- Oh, it was fucking awesome.
- Dude.

Seriously, everybody in my room loved it.
It was just like...

I'm like this fucking close
to breaking top 50. I can taste it.

Nice.

Thanks, Jordan.

Ahem.

Shut up. I'm gonna tell her.

Mm, okay.

I will. I just have to...

My ranking needs to be better.

Sure, okay.

- Wow, this is fun.
- Oh, okay.

Do you wanna see

- all of the dick pics I get?
- Oh, God.

Let's look through. Let's look at 'em.

- What are you looking at?
- Look at them all.

- They're just...
- She's texting a boy.

- Alice?
- Yeah.

Play hard to get.

Make 'em want it.

- Want it?
- Mom! Gross!

- What do you know...
- You're hurting me.

- Ah, no.
- about her date?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Spill it!

Shit, sorry.

- Katie.
- Alice, hey.

I did not know you worked here.

You look so pretty.
Uh... Are you going out?

Oh, no, I just...
I'm having, like, a dinner thing.

So, how's... how's your life
and how's your family?

Oh, they're good. Jordan's turning 17

and we're having a party for him
on Saturday, so...

Cool.

Uh, actually, I need napkins.

- Could you show me where they are?
- Yeah, they're...

right this way.

So what have you been up to again?

Is everything okay?

You should come.

- Huh?
- To the party.

You should come.

- Jordan's party.
- I... I guess so, sure.

- Sure. Uh...
- Good. Great.

Napkins.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Diggie sent me homemade cookies.

- Aw, sweet.
- Isn't that sweet?

He's such a sweetheart.

Oh!

Oh, Fox, you are gonna like these.

- I will model them for you.
- Okay.

Ready?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Diggie knows how to make me feel
like a lady.

Mm-mm!

So, um...

TINKERBOY
FGL VIDEO DECLINED

Jesus.

I'm down to 55. How am I supposed
to hold my spot? Not sleep?

I know. I cammed 70 hours this week
and my rank hasn't budged.

Ugh. Baby's number one
and she doesn't even try.

She barely even knows her guys.

I don't think Baby even registers rank.

She's on a whole 'nother level.

Well, that's the level
that I need to be on.

So let's do a cool show.

- They're popular.
- No, I don't do public shows.

I don't tell my guys I love them
and I don't fake my orgasms.

My rules.

What about a, um...

a swap show?

You know, like, every 1,500 tokens,
we swap personalities.

Hmm... Mm-mm.

No, I couldn't pull off
doing one of your crazy shows.

Oh, well, thank you.

What about a control show?
You would jump, like, 20 places, easy.

- And, we could do it from mine.
- No.

Cam Girl Clubhouse is,
like, so far out of my way.

- I just...
- Aaah.

No, if we do it there...

- No, no.
- Yes.

Picture it. A control show on a Vibatron.

We would kill it.

Oh, God, Vibratron is so extreme.

I don't wanna ride...

No, no. I'll do it. I'll ride it.

That shit destroys your clit.

Really?

- Just trust me on this one.
- Okay.

Stop it!

- Is that better?
- Yeah.

Fucking idiot.

Major America,

can you even see what's...

It's dripping!

My cells are constantly changing, so my
water changes all the time, but most...

Her head...

Aw, I wanna come.

Hey, thanks, Boar.

Oh.

My pillow just stabbed me
with a feather.

Go away, I'm studying.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

Good. Just planning tonight's show.
You coming?

Maybe.

I wanna show you something.

- You like?
- It's beautiful.

Well, then it's yours.

Barney, you're so good to me.

Hey, I hear you'll be
in my neck of the woods next week.

Oh, yeah? You live near Princess?

In the area.

I was thinking you might
wanna take me out.

I might.

Where do you live?
I'll come pick you up.

Oh, I'll meet you. Where are you staying?

I'll be at the Royal Desert Lodge,
but you don't...

Bye.

That was weird.

Leave me alone.

Eye on the prize, baby.

Top 50.

Hi, guys. Sorry, I had to pee.

Uh, Danger, yes, I did.

As you know, peeing really fast is,
like, my superpower.

Oh, thank you, Danger.

What, are you trying to get me drunk? Hm?

Cheers.

Who's ready to get
this date night started?

Tink, I know we're missing Humper, but
he's always late and we're hungry, right?

All right, let's eat.

It's a little hard to cut.

Oh, my God.

I'm trying!

I'm not just gonna bite it, Diggie.

I'm a classy lady.

I'm not some kind of barbarian.

Should I?

All right, I'll take a bite. Okay.

This is what you want?

Oh, God.

Okay.

Thank you! Thank you, Apple.

I do.

I'm not gonna eat with my hands.

Don't be ridiculous.
All right, fine. One bite.

This is crazy.

What?

Oh, my God! 50! 50!

I made it!

Oh, my God. We did it. We fucking did it!

Guys! Oh, my God, we've been waiting
so long for this.

Thank you so much for all your help.
This has been...

so amazing.

I can't... I just...
I'm over the moon.

Thank you so much.

I know, Humper,
we've been trying for so long!

You guys are the best room ever.

Oh, my God, Carpie,

for you, yes, I will,
I will be eating with my hands.

Guys.

Guys, where are you going?
We're still eating.

We're celebrating!

Whoooo!

We've been working so hard.

Guys, again, thank you so much.

This has been so amazing.
I can't believe we finally hit it.

Silly. It's one piece per rank.

No.

Lola has to drop ten places
if you want me naked.

Okay, five.

This is so exciting.

Cheers. To top 50!

No, wait,

- six.
- Guys...

Welcome, anybody who just arrived,
we just hit top 50

for the first time ever!

Top off.

Oh!

I made us some dessert.

- Come on, boys.
- Apple pie,

- covered in confetti.
- You like this?

First person to tip 3,000 tokens gets
a twin pie sent straight to their house.

Oh, yeah!

Thank you guys so much.

This is so amazing. I can't believe
we finally did it. We hit 50!

Goodnight.

Aw, only nine places.

Better luck next time.

Thanks, boys.

Hello.

Hey, are you okay?

- Tinker?
- That was really, really low of Princess.

She's just so desperate.

Tinker, why are you using this number?

It's for emergencies, right?

You haven't been answering
my FGL calls. I've been worried.

Tinker, this is not okay.

- Did I see you at the store today?
- Oh.

I... I... I got a job.

- I... I thought I told you...
- You moved here?

Well, no... I mean... yes.

I'm... I'm... I'm staying at,
uh, the Green Acres.

I'm looking
for something more permanent. Uh...

Tinker, you can't just show up here.

It's... No, it's a happy coincidence.

I... I didn't mean to worry you.

Mission failure.

What are you talking about?
I thought this...

Fucking freefall.

- Hey, Lola.
- Hey, Fox.

What's up?

We're doing the show.

- Lola!
- Hey.

Dude, that suicide show was so amazing.

- You could seriously be the next Baby.
- Thank you.

You okay? You look a little tired.

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

Lola. Running late for your big show?

Fuck off.

Whoa! Wow.

What did I do?

Stripping just to kill my rank.

Come on.

I hear you've been cuddling up to Barney.

Well, it's not like
I asked him to be there.

- You did poach him from Baby, Princess.
- Mm.

- You're riding a Vibatron tonight.
- Yep.

You know, I have
a friend who lost all sensation

'cause she stayed on one of those
too long.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

You're probably gonna have to fake it.

You ready to break one of your rules?

Lola!

- Hey.
- You're late.

I know.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Tonight, our people...

Gavin, you have to let the poor girl come.

Faster.

If you can Cumberbund me...

Oh! And, off!

Damn it, Pussy Magnet.
God, you guys are driving me crazy.

No, no, no, no. Keep it going, guys.

- Let's go.
- Come on!

- Barney.
- Barney.

Um... I don't know.

Oh, definitely.

- Hm? Mm-hm.
- Mm.

Ooh! We have a winner.

Oh!

Turn that thing back on.

Come on, you can do better!

I think we're going
for an epic withholding record.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pass out.

What are you supposed to say?

Yee-ha.

- Oh, Barney wants to shut you up.
- Damn it, Barney.

Sorry, honey.

More speed. Get ready, honey.

Oh, my God, 47!

Thank you, thank you!

Oh, no.

I think I got bubbles in my eye.

Aaah!

Can you go blind from bubbles?

Hello?

Is someone there?

...dying...

That's how I know...

Stop it!

Come on, you guys know how I live.

Hardcore.

On the edge.

Aw, Giggle, thank you.

Okay. So here's the game.

If you tip 50,
I pop Dolphin and turn him into a hat.

FGL customer support,
how can I help you?

Hi, um...

...fight another day.

- I'm having some trouble with my account.
- Okay. I'm gonna need your access code.

- It's 1-1-3-8-7-1-2-3-7.
- Oh, cute dolphin!

- Alice Ackerman.
- Yeah, that's me.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, I'm just like... I'm locked
out of my account and I think...

I think you guys are just, like,
replaying an old show or something.

Hmm... I don't think that's possible.
We can't do that.

Um... Can you just bring up my channel?

Yes, I've got it up over here.

Okay. Well, does it say it's live?

That's what I'm seeing.

Uh...

- Are you watching it right now?
- Yes, ma'am.

Well, dude, is she on the fucking phone?

I'm going to have to put you on hold.
I'll be right with you.

Come on...

Why would you wanna do that?

No, it's not. It's not me hiding...

- It's you guys. You're the killers.
- Which...

Hey, tonebug.

Are you gonna save Dolphin's life?

- What the fuck?
- Hi, Miss Ackerman.

Uh, yeah, I'm here.

The show's live and the performer
matches the ID on file, so...

Can you just freeze the account
or something?

You can disable the account
from your model control page.

I can't disable the account
because I'm locked out.

So can you just...

do something?

Let me escalate this
up to tier two support.

We'll get back to you shortly.

Can I help you with anything else today?

- No. Thanks, I guess.
- All righty.

Thank you for choosing Free Girls Live.

So, like, I'm literally going to burn
my house down

so a fireman will take pity on my ass,

and no, I want him to start my fire,
not put it out.

I just need to get fucked, you know?

Aw, thank you, Tink. You're the best.

Shit.

Aw, I'm all pruney now.
Look at my fingers.

I'm a wrinkle monster.

Hey, we have a new friend.

Hello, Teapot.

Welcome to my bath.

Fuck.

All right, who's next?

Guys, I have a seriously lonely looking
left tit over here.

- This is so weird.
- Who wants to claim it?

- You think they're replaying a show?
- No.

Guys, my ass is, like, prime real estate
right now.

Who wants to own my ass?

- They do own all our footage. Maybe...
- It's a live show.

Oh, my God, Tink!

- Here, say something.
- Okay.

All yours.

- It's probably a glitch.
- No, I mean, here. I'll tip her.

Hey.

Okay, um...

Orange?

Orange!

That's so fucked.

- Orange.
- Is Princess here?

Yeah, she's...

Was she by her computer last night,
because...

I swear, if another white dude asks me
to get naked.

What part of non nude
can't you understand?

Oh, my gosh, Papa.

Well, I told you that my PO box
is just, like...

not working anymore.

Buy things from my wish list

- and they'll get sent right to me.
- Weird.

Yeah.

It is weird.

Considering I did a show here last night
and then this morning...

Lola, you need to chill for a sec.

- Did you call FGL?
- Yes!

And they weren't helpful.

Welcome to the internet.
Accounts get jacked.

Yeah, after I cammed here.

What are you even saying?

That she stole the password
from my computer,

found somebody who looks exactly like you,
convinced them to buy your account,

all in one night?

Honestly, if I was gonna through
all that trouble,

I'd probably try for someone
in the top... ten.

You know what? If I find out
that either of you were behind this...

Lola, baby.

It's time to go.

Oh, Diggy!

FGL customer support,
how can I help you?

Hi, yeah, I called yesterday about being
locked out of my account.

I'm looking for an update.

Okay, I'm gonna need your access code.

Yeah, it's 1-1-3-8-7-1-2-3-7.

Can you repeat that, please?

1-1-3-8-7-1-2-3-7.

Hello?

I'm sorry, but I'm seeing that access code
is not valid.

What?

I'm seeing that access code is not valid.

Okay. Well, can I talk to your supervisor,
please?

Ma'am, you could be anyone.
Without a valid access code,

- I can't verify your identity.
- Just let me back into my account.

My access code
is 1-1-3-8-7-1-2-3-7.

I'm very sorry, but I'm showing
that access code is invalid.

Fucking kidding me?
You guys take half of my money,

and you promise 24-hour tech support,

so why don't you do your job and fix it?

I need to ask you to calm down.
You're acting hysterical.

Listen to me, asshole, there's some girl
on my account made up to look like me,

- taking my money.
- Ma'am, could you bring it down a notch?

Fucker.

I've been calling you all day.

I was picking up Jordan's present.

You look terrible.

Thank you.

Can you wrap this for me?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Wait!

A new lippy fixes everything.

Girls, what do you think?

No.

Hello.

I've got it.

Lola, you're beautiful today.

Uh, last night was so fun, I thought
I'd bring you some flowers to thank you.

Thank you.
What are you doing here, Tinker?

Arnold, please.

- Is that your mom? Can't wait to meet her.
- Now's not a good time.

But you told me last night.

You want me in real life.
You... you love me.

- so I thought that...
- I didn't talk to you last night.

Oh... Lola.

It's not supposed to happen like this.

Calm down.

Tell me what's wrong, and I will help.

We will talk about this later,
but right now, you need to go.

I will always be here for you.

Ooh, who is that?

I don't know.

Shit!

Oh...

Barney, I'm in a library.

Oh, my God. That's so naughty.

Dee...

Humper bought you a flash.
What should I show you?

Barney, control yourself.

All right. I'm gonna get
in so much trouble.

Oh, my God.

Let's go somewhere a little more private.

Okay.

Good.

Guys, this is crazy.

Okay.

Okay, where should we go?
This looks good.

Uh... OK.

You guys, this is so crazy.

Humper! I can't.

Oh, my God. You know what?

What the hell?

Make me famous.

Ohh! I told you guys.

Holy shit, dude.

Hey.

Where's Jordan?

Guys, relax. I'm not gonna tell on you.

- What do you guys want?
- Wait, wait, wait.

Brendan, get in here.

Jordan.

Hey, Jordan!

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, um... you're late.

Uh... I don't care.

Hey, Jordan, your sister wants you.

- You're here! Finally.
- Finally.

Lynne was telling us
you bought a house.

Well, she's renting and I told her
she should buy it

because, you know, I've been telling her
how important it is to invest.

What was the job again?

Uh, I'm in, like, web development.

Ooh. Sounds fancy. What kind?

Uh, it's just like, freelance,
sort of small businesses and stuff.

- She's going through an ambitious phase.
- It's a phase, you know.

We're both so entrepreneurial.
Katie, what's going on with you?

- Uh, actually, let's not talk about work.
- I'm with you.

Okay, fine, let's do the cake.

We should. I have to go soon.

No, it's your brother's birthday,
you can make time.

Jordan, get your friends.
We're doing the cake.

Um... You come here
and take a photo of me.

I wanna get my picture in this outfit.

On, camera, okay.

- Ahem.
- Okay, ready?

- Yeah.
- One, two, three.

- One more, let me get the boobs.
- OK, cool.

One, two, three.

- Cool. Nice one.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, I look so blotchy.

- No, you don't.
- No, I do.

Uh, let me fix it.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- How's your mom?
- Alex, stop!

- What's going on?
- Jordan, what are you...

- Fucking stop!
- Jordan, language!

- Jordan, stop!
- Peter, what are you...

- Porn star!
- Fucking stop!

Your sister does porn.

Cut it out!

I don't think
I've ever come that hard.

I have always wanted to do that.
It felt like...

Can you turn that off?

I'm so good at my job.
I love each and every one...

Mom.

I was gonna tell you, okay?

I didn't know how,
I didn't know how to...

We're doing the cake.

Lift, and lift!

And lift, and lift! Now squats.

Whoo! Feel that burn.

Oh, I am so sweaty.

Come on, Giggle, I'm so tired.

All right, let's...

pull, pull...

Pull, pull... Oh!

Barney, you are my life saver,
thank you.

These last few shows have been
so amazing.

I'm, like, so proud of you guys.
You really brought the fire.

Aww.

Guys, thank you so much.
That's so sweet.

All right.

Who's ready to kick my ass?

Giggle!

Step, touch, step, touch,

step, touch, step, touch, step, touch...

Tou...

All right, time for spanks.

And...

one.

Two. Oh, that one hurt.

Let's do, three.

Four. Oh, my...

Okay. This what you're lookin' for?

Five. Ow. Six.

Seven. Ow. Teapot, you're
gonna make me bruise.

Eight.

Nine. Oh, my God.

And one more, one more.

Ten.

All right, Teapot.

Ready?

One. Ow!

Two.

Three.

Four. Ow.

Five. Oh, that was a good one.

Six. Ooh!

Seven.

Eight. Oh! Nine.

And ten.

Oh, you guys wanna break me, huh?

Let's see what we have in here.

My big old box of fun.

Handcuffs.

Oh, I have my choke collar. Hm?

And...

Oh.

Where did this come from?

Do you wanna see?

I don't know.

Where did this come from?

Hmm.

What is this doing here?

How about...

Three thousand for me to lick it?

Oh, Barney.

Ten thousand?

For me to suck it?

How about...

Fifty thousand for me to load it?

Anybody?

You like this?

Show me how much.

How about...

Hundred thousand for me
to make it explode?

Oh, come on, guys, isn't this fun?

We're so close.

Only 30,000 to go.

Humper, you did it! I love you.

Fuck. Fuck.

Top 20!

Top 20!

Top 20!

Guys, we did it! We did it.

Top 20!

Yeah, we did it.

We did it!

Hi, I'm either at the salon
or doing something fabulous.

Leave a message. Ciao.

Top 20! I can't believe it!

- You've spoken with this website?
- Yes!

And they did nothing.

I don't know how to be any more clear.

She's online pretending to be me.

Can I just show you?

Yeah, yeah, pull it up.

Please, you need to do something.

70-25, code six, 104 North Avenue.

Copy. I gotta step outside.

- Look, this is my life. This is my job.
- I'm not understanding how this works.

What do you mean?

This show that you do, you...

You get paid by the minute or you have to
do anything that they want you to do?

No, I just... If I say I'm gonna
do something, I do it.

What's the weirdest thing
that you've ever had to do? Come on.

Do you ever meet up with these men
in person?

Sometimes, yeah.

Do you ever engage in sexual activity
with them?

No, I don't.

That's a shame.

- Excuse me?
- Hey,

it's a compliment.

Hah!

- Rells, we gotta go.
- What, so you're not going to help me?

If you don't wanna see stuff like this,
stay off the internet.

Un-fucking-believable.

No, guys, I said you have to guess, silly.

Okay.

It's...

BabyGirl.

At long last. I just have one question.

What are you guys gonna make her
do to me? Because I...

Fuck.

Oh, Gatsby I'm so excited.

I've been wanting to get my hands
on Lola since forever.

Her skin looks so soft.
I can't wait to touch it.

I haven't fucked in so long,
I'm going crazy. I'm serious.

I was literally thinking about
burning my house down

just so a fireman
would take pity on me.

Well, yes.

Lola can start my fire, not put it out.

I just need to be fucked, you know?

...this job and, um...

Okay, let's spin it.

I did this weird thing where I was blonde
on top and then I had brown ha...

...little I used to try to think
about Santa Claus before I...

I made it blue because you guys
are always...

...burn my house down so a fireman
will take pity on my ass.

I know. I want him
to start my fire, not put it out.

I just need to get fucked, you know?

Hey, Fox.

Hey, we're about to start the Camothon,
are you gonna watch? It's...

Fox? Is this yours?

Look, I just need to know,

like, Baby's first name,
or where she lives or something.

What? Aren't you
doing a show with her tomorrow?

- Please, Fox, this isn't gonna...
- Fox!

Look, I'll ask around.

- Two minutes.
- Gotta go.

Fuck.

What?

Lola!

Barney!

Oh, it is so, so good to see you.

- Oh!
- You too.

Mm. Mm. Mm!

Boy, last night's show... mwah!

Perfection.

- These suicides keep gettin' better.
- Thank you.

I have a couple of presents in my room,
if you wanna look.

Actually, what was that place you were
telling me about? I'm kinda hungry.

Well, your wish is my command.

Hola, buenas tardes.

My name is Justin
and I'll be taking care of you.

Yeah, let me get a club soda, and let's
get the, uh, guacamole cheese tower.

I'm just gonna stick with water.

Sure, that's okay. I'll be right back
with the guacamole queso sorpreso.

Yeah.

Should've gotten a drink.

I'm driving.

Anyway, let me tell you about Miami.

I won that date raffle, with Sarah Bear
and Blossom, but only Blossom showed up.

Oh, I love Blossom.

Sarah didn't call or anything.
It's like she forgot.

I'm the guy that decides
if you rank or not.

Last date raffle I enter.

Well, you just save those tips for me.

See, I like you. You're smart.
You get it.

Mm. Thank you.

I'd say you were my favorite, but, uh...

- I don't pick favorites.
- Hm.

Guacamole queso sorpreso.

- And do you know what you want for lunch?
- Let me get the Big Boy Burrito Bowl,

no sour cream, no cheese, no beans.

- No beans?
- No beans.

Um...

I'll have a veggie chimichanga.

Ah, the cheesychita chimichanga.
Que bueno.

Hm!

- I love the authenticity.
- It's quirky.

So, you know Baby pretty well, huh?

How do you think she got to the top ten?

Oh! Of course.

I'm just kind of nervous
about my show with her.

You know, she's staying at mine,
but I've never even met her.

- And she's driving.
- Driving?

That's a long way from Georgia.

I mean, she's...

so glamorous,
I thought she would be flying first class.

I see right through the glitz.

Prom queen's the most glamorous
thing she's ever done.

Underneath, she really just wants to know
that she can get a guy... like me.

So you know her... pretty well, yeah?

Oh, honey, I've been to her house.

Look what we, uh, found in her town.

Oh!

That is cute.

- What can I say? You girls love me.
- Mm-hm.

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

Okay.

Oh, we're getting ready.

Oh! I know, I am so excited.

A show with Baby has been my dream
since forever.

I hope we can get her to kiss me
everywhere.

Yellow is not my color.

Hm. Why not this one?

- Lola?
- I just love how pretty that is.

Barney sent...

You know, I think your, uh, feed
is all messed up.

Barney?
Do you want me to wear this tonight?

How could my Lola be online at home

when she's on a date with me?

That's a cute picture, Lola.

Wanna show me those little cat ears?

No?

Barney, this is the women's bathroom.

So? Anybody else here?

What, you think you're the first girl
who's tried to scam me?

You're always in it for something.

Drugs, money, clothes.

Look, I'm a reasonable man.

You tell me who you are,
and maybe we can still have some fun.

Excuse me, is someone in here?

Geez, come here! Hey.

Hey! Let go! Let go!

Is everything okay?

Listen, I... I apologize.
My wife does not feel well at all.

You know, the young ones can't hold
their liquor. It's okay, she'll...

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

Come on, come on, let's go,
here we go.

All right, all right. Here we go.

Ow! Son of a...

So, boys, what's it gonna be?

Are you gonna let me kiss her?

Ooh, yeah, her lips are so soft.

- It's getting hot and steamy in here.
- Thank you, Conquer.

Oh, my God, she's making me so hot.

- We don't have all night here.
- No.

We're a little impatient. Mm.

Oh, I'm so ready, what are we doing?

- Actually, you know what we should do?
- What?

- Ooh, you make it sound so mysterious.
- No, not mysterious.

- Let's go.
- They're so excited.

They're so excited.

So jealous,
they don't know what's going on.

- Guys, you're just gonna love this.
- Tough luck!

- I'm taking her away.
- Mm, yay!

Here we go.

Out of the pink room. Mm!

Ooh, it's gonna be exciting.

I'm walking in this top.

Here's my hallway.

Those are my boxes.

I just moved in.

Ooh.

My guys have never seen
my real bedroom before.

Shall we go in?

Here's the door. Moment of truth.

No, no, no! No!

No!

Wow!

- Get the fuck out of my house!
- This is my bedroom.

Get the fuck out!

That's my bed that I sleep in
every night.

You are so adorable.

Stop it, I was so awkward.

- I was so awkward.
- So hot.

Who's this? Who's this dude?

Um, no. That is my little brother. Gross.

Look. Jordan.

Fuck you!

I guess people still think you live here.

Hey.

I saw a... house, so I'll...

pay for it, or paint it myself.

Mom, I wanted to tell you.

I just wanted to wait until I was...

in the top ten, you know,
until I was good enough.

You are really good.

Huh? What does that mean?

I watched a little.

- Oh, you can't be serious.
- I... I had to see.

And you were good.

I was?

Those guys love you.
You're so put together.

I get you in pajamas, and bratty and bored
and biting your nails.

But on that show,
you're a different person.

Confident. I wish everybody
could see you like that.

- Mom, that person is not me.
- And I'm not sad and pathetic.

I'm enlightened, I understand
this whole female empowerment thing.

No, Mom, that's not even what it's about.
That person is not me.

- I get it. It's a performance.
- No, Mom, you're not listening to me.

I'll have to show you, okay?

Look.

Shit.

- She's not online right now.
- Who's not online?

- I don't know. I don't know!
- Stop.

Just stop.

Take some responsibility for your life
and stop lying to me.

Hey, Jordan.

Mm! Wash it.

Hey, Jordo.

- Watch Ziggy for me.
- Where are you going?

Shit.

Wrong room. Sorry.

Hi, I'm looking for a guy.
He's kind of tall, sweaty, nervous.

Have you seen him? Is he here?

- Uh... up there, maybe. Try room three.
- Three?

Thank you.

Who is it?

Hey, it's me, Tink.

One second.

- Lola.
- Hi. I'm so happy to see you.

Listen, I'm sorry about the other day.

What's going on?

I don't know what to do.

Someone stole my show.

Poor thing.

It's gonna be okay.
Arnold is here to help.

What a conspiracy.

I wondered why Sarah and Winter
had been acting so strangely.

We were brought together for a reason.

Unexpected things happen to test us.

That's what this is. You're being tested.

But... you're strong.
You'll make it through.

And I'm your helper.

You know?

I'm your life helper.

Whoever did this to you...

I wanna find him.

And I wanna hurt him.

- Thank you, Tinker.
- Arnold.

Who is she, do you think?

Some lowlife.

Clearly obsessed with you.

She probably has your address.

You should probably stay here.

It isn't safe.

When she gets on tonight,

we'll get to work.

We'll beat this thing together.

I'll take care of you, my chickadee.

You turn me on so much...

- Does that feel good?
- Forgive me, mother Mary.

- Come on, Tinker...
- Lola!

Are you gonna come?

Oh, no, please. Wait.

Wait. No, no.

You don't understand.

- I was investigating.
- Why the fuck are you lying to me?

I'm not!

Look at me.

Look at me, you piece of shit.

I'm sorry. I can't...

- What did you do?
- Just... nothing. Nothing!

- I... I found it just like...
- It? What is it?

I don't know. I think it takes anything
it can find of you online.

What does?

I told you, I don't know.

But it's on all the cam sites.
Not just FGL.

You knew this was gonna happen to me.

Answer me, Tinker!

Yeah. Yes. I can usually tell

- if one of the girls is gonna be copied.
- How?

I've watched enough
to guess who it'll choose,

but I don't know what it is
or how it works.

I came here to help.

- Bullshit!
- I... I...

I didn't... wanna tell you
and ruin what we have.

I didn't do this, I swear.

- You moved here...
- I love you, I wouldn't do this.

You moved here and you fucking waited
so you could ride in to save the day?

Tinker?

Tink?

Tinker! I miss you.

Oh, God.

Tinker! I'm lonely.

Tinker...

Oh, hi.

Are you Tinker's girlfriend?

Hi.

Uh... How are you?

Good. Where's Tinker?

He's... he's not here.

Oh.

What's your name?

Tink, your girlfriend's not very friendly.

Hello?

I wanna be friends.

She doesn't recognize me.

She doesn't know what the fuck
she looks like.

No, what are you... what are you doing?

No. No! You can't leave.
You can't leave.

Please.

- Have fun with Lola.
- No.

- No.
- While you still can.

You can't leave!

Ooh, aah...

Oh! I love this song.

I wish one of you was here
to dance with me.

But, Teapot, we're right in the middle
of my dance.

Okay.

Well, can I see you?

I really wanna see you.

Oh, Tinker's girlfriend.

Oh! You are a cutie.

- Hm.
- So,

what do you wanna do with me?

Why don't you go
sit down at your vanity?

Okay.

So...

what do you want me to do next?

I want everyone to see
how good we look together.

Oh! So, you wanna be watched.

I love being watched.

Look, everybody. It's Teapot.

Hi, guys.

Aw, thank you, guys, so much.

- There's so much love.
- I know.

But who's getting the most?

Which one of us is the best Lola?

- Maybe we should play a game to find out.
- Hm.

What kind of game?

Monkey see, monkey do.

Whoever does it better wins.

The room picks and the winner
gets a prize.

I don't know. What do you guys think?

- Okay, deal.
- You promise?

I promise.

Okay.

I'll go first.

Oh, the heart's for me.

My turn.

I love you guys.

I love you guys.

What's the tally?

Oh, wow. You won by a landslide.

What do you think, guys?

What should my prize be?

Okay.

For my prize, I want you to strip.

Done.

Thank you, guys.

How about we up the ante?

That was way too easy.

Fine.

Repeat after me.

- Hey, boys.
- Hey, boys.

- Wanna see something cool?
- Wanna see something cool?

- You stole my face.
- You stole my face.

You stole my face and now
I'm going to get it back.

You stole my face and now
I'm going to get it back.

- See.
- See.

You're not real!

You're not real.

Wow, I've never seen my guys
so riled up like this.

This is a fun game.

I like this one.

Guys, better vote for me.

Wow. You won, Teapot.

What do you want from me?

I want your account password.

I don't think that's very fair.

Give it to me, Lola, I want it.

- Give you what?
- Your password.

You gotta follow through.

How would your guys ever trust you again,
if you didn't?

- Well.
- Stop tipping, stop tipping.

Okay.

Teapot? It's your turn.

What do you want me to do next? Hm?

So...

should I go first this time?

Come on, let's keep playing.

- Please.
- She did it.

You can tip again.

Ooh! Thank you, guys.

Okay!

Let's play again!

Copy...

this.

No, Tonebug, I'm not that...

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yes, Mom.

And if it happens again?

Then I'll make another one.
And another one and another one.

- Can I see?
- Not yet.

Can't believe I'm doing this.

Okay.

Oh!

You're so lucky you're my daughter.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

Hey, guys.