Calling All Curs (1939) Movie Script

[♪]

Oh, nurse, my baby,

my poor little Garçon.

Oh, calm yourself,

Mrs. Bedford.

He's in the hands of the world's

greatest specialists.

They'll pull him through.

I hope so.

MOE:

To the operation.

The operation.

To the operation.

Whoo.

[SCRUBBING ON WASHBOARD]

Hey, what do you think

you're doing?

This is Monday,

ain't it?

Yeah.

Come on. Get busy.

We got operating to do.

Hm.

[POPPING]

[GRUNTS]

What's the matter?

It won't come out.

Let me see.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh.

I didn't mean it.

It's a coincidence.

Couldn't happen again

in a thousand years.

I'm glad you understand.

Yeah. Give me that--

Moe, please.

Nyah-ah-ah.

[WHIMPERING]

That'll teach you

a lesson.

[WATER RUNS]

[GURGLING]

[HICCUPS]

Gloves.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ahh.

Ow.

What are you doing

down there?

Get up out of there.

Masks.

Oh.

Come on. Let's go.

They're waiting.

Hey.

What's the matter?

What are you doing

with that thing on?

Ow.

Ha, ha, ha.

We got operating to do.

Come on.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

You think it's serious,

Doctor Curly?

Yes, indeed, to say the least,

if not less.

Hm, the perambulation

of the pedal extremity

is impeded by the insertion

of a foreign

botanical offshoot.

MOE:

Now, gentlemen,

we must proceed with caution.

This Bedford dog

is worth a fortune.

So it is.

The instruments.

Instruments.

[PLAYING TRUMPET MARCH]

Ah, the tools.

Onocatapon.

Piddledetar.

Go get a piddledetar.

We have none.

Oh, yes, we have.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Hold her, doctor.

This is gonna hurt me worse

than it does you, Garçon.

Now, hold on.

It'll be out in a minute.

[GRUNTING]

Ouch.

Oh, oh,

the wrong thorn.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

My proboscis.

[BARKS]

Ooh.

[GRUNTS]

Success. Success.

BOTH:

Success.

Doctor, this operation

shall go down in history.

I didn't know

you had it in you.

I didn't. She did.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh.

Ha, cha, cha, cha.

Looks like a botanical offshoot

in the upholstery.

We'll have to operate.

Oh, no.

A thousand times no.

Get the anesthetic.

The anesthetic.

Administer the anesthetic.

Ow!

[WOOD CREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, oh.

Santa Claus will hear

of this.

Mm.

How is Garçon?

Is she all right?

The operation was

a complete success.

That's wonderful.

Now I can show Garçon

in the dog show tomorrow.

Come, Garçon.

No, no, he must rest here

for a few hours.

Yes, we'll have it back about 4.

Well, see that Garçon gets

the very best of attention.

Oh, yes, madame.

Thank you.

Good day, gentlemen.

[IN UNISON]

Good day. Ooh.

Nurse.

Put the dog to bed.

WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:

Doctor Moe, Doctor Larry,

Doctor Curly.

What do you want?

Two important visitors

to see you.

Okay.

[MEOWING]

Hey, that nurse

must have eaten catnip.

[MEOWING]

[GASPS]

Oh.

[MEOWS]

CURLY:

One little kitten

lost its mitten.

How careless.

Here they come now.

How do you do, gentlemen?

We're from the Daily Star.

We'd like to get up

a feature story

about your hospital.

That's fine. Follow us.

We'd be happy to show you

around the place.

Come on,

pudding head.

Here's our general ward.

This is where we keep

our mixed patients.

Now, this cat suffers

from operatic tendencies.

Likes to sing opera

on the back fences.

[SINGS OPERA]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh, Moe, Moe.

I can't see.

What's the matter?

I got my eyes closed.

[SCREAMS]

Lay off, lay off.

[ANGRY GRUNTING]

Doctor Moe.

Oh, here's an interesting

case, gentlemen.

What's wrong with him?

He's suffering

from acute alcoholism.

Ain't he a cutie?

Nyuck, nyuck.

He's a lap dog.

A lap dog?

Yeah, he lapped up

two cases of beer.

A bad case.

Keep a cool head, kid.

Now, right this way,

gentlemen.

[HICCUPS]

Gesundheit.

Now, here's a peculiar case.

See that?

MAN:

What's "G.C.M." mean?

Garbage can moocher.

Yeah, he's got a bad case

of scavengeritis.

But we'll cure him.

See that?

MOE:

Right this way,

and I shall demonstrate.

It never fails.

The dog puts his head

inside the garbage can.

We step on the valve,

which propels a stream

of water into the dog's face,

frightening him.

Now, after several such

treatments,

the patient is entirely cured.

Now, note the simplicity

of the construction.

And it always works.

[CRIES OUT]

I'll murder ya.

[WHIMPERING]

I got ya.

I'll tear your esophagus out.

Open your mouth.

[SCREAMS]

Quiet.

You wanna wake Garçon?

Who's Garçon?

Mrs. Bedford's

prize poodle.

Oh.

WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:

Calling Doctor Curly.

Go to room six.

See a man about a dog...diet.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ooh.

WOMAN:

Calling Doctor Larry.

Dog in ward eight

chasing his tail.

Bit himself.

Is that serious?

Will it hurt his carriage?

I don't know about

his carriage,

but it's gonna

raise Cain with his wagon.

WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:

Calling Doctor Moe.

Pomeranian in ward six

has a coat on its tongue.

What should we do?

Give him the pants and vest

and take him for a walk.

Pardon me.

Come on. We gotta pull

this job in a hurry.

We'll hide him in the old house

until we get the ransom.

[HOOTS]

Whoo.

[SQUEALS]

MOE [ON INTERCOM]:

Calling Doctor Curly.

What do you want?

Listen, you onion head, you

march yourself right in here

and wash this dog.

Ah, you do it yourself.

Oh, a mutiny, eh?

Yeah, mutiny,

and it's not on the Bounty.

[MAKES WEIRD NOISE]

Ooh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, cha, cha, cha.

Oh. Oh.

[GASPS]

[SNORTS]

Now, come on in here

like I told you.

Hey, wait a minute.

What do you want?

Help me out.

I'm stuck.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I can't move.

Oh, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

She loves me.

Oh!

She loves me not.

Oh!

She loves me.

Ow!

She loves me not.

Oh! I'll fix you.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, I'll fix you. Oh-ho!

[BARKS]

Hm.

Calling all curs.

Dinner is ready.

Come to the dining room.

That is all.

[DOGS BARKING]

[BELL RINGING]

[DOGS BARKING]

I'm as hungry as a whale.

Bring on the food.

Yeah, bring it on.

We're ready.

Very good.

It's a very good plan.

Don't worry.

There's enough for everybody.

Take a look at this.

Whoo-hoo.

[HUMMING]

Say, is this my dinner?

Why, certainly.

Fricasseed bone.

It's delicious.

Since when do I

look like a dog?

I don't know.

I ain't seen you lately.

You ain't, heh?

[CRIES OUT]

LARRY:

Hey, leave him alone.

Oh.

[GASPING]

[BARKING]

[BARKS]

Quiet.

This is my argument.

What's the matter?

What are you doing?

My sandwich bit me.

I'm beating

it into submission.

I'll beat you into submission.

WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:

Doctor Moe, Larry, Curly.

Garçon is missing.

Come at once. Hurry.

Garçon.

By Garçon.

Oh, what do we do?

Read this note.

What happened?

Where's Garçon?

He's gone.

Here, read this note.

"Mrs. Bedford can have her dog

if she pays $2000.

Don't tell the cops, or she

will never see him again."

Those guys weren't reporters.

They were dognappers.

We've gotta stall Mrs. Bedford

off till we find her dog.

Now, start thinking,

if possible.

[BLUBBERING]

[PANTING]

What's the matter with you?

I'm trying to think,

but nothing happens.

Hey, fellas, look.

It ain't so serious.

Here's his collar

and leash.

All we gotta do

is refill it.

That's brilliant.

That's smart.

Oh.

Look out.

I got an idea.

I wonder

what he's up to.

Sit down there.

Now, here's the idea.

We gotta disguise this mutt

to look like Garçon.

The old lady

won't know the difference.

Get to work on that mattress.

Nurse, get the glue.

You get the black paint.

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Start pulling, boys.

Pile it up, now.

Hey. Hm.

What's the matter?

It's got dandruff.

Oh.

You get to work

like I told you.

Ow.

Go on.

Get busy, will ya?

My hair.

He looks more like Garçon

than Garçon.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Nobody'll ever recognize him.

That mattress hair

turned the trick.

We brought

Mrs. Bedford's dog back.

All right,

but keep it away from me.

I don't like dogs.

Come on. Come on.

Just wait right

in here, gentlemen.

Madam will be right in.

Whoo.

[SNARLING]

Go away, dog.

Go away.

You is scalped.

I'm getting out of here.

Nyuck, nyuck.

Hey.

Here's to you.

Not to me, to you.

[GRUNTING]

I'll murder ya.

Seltzer.

Then I'll have some too.

[CRIES OUT]

I know.

You didn't mean it.

No, I didn't.

[CHUCKLING]

Look.

What?

Why, I--

Oh, that's ice.

Ow, it's cold.

Ow. Ooh. Ooh.

MOE AND CURLY:

Hey, hey, hey.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[IN UNISON]

Hey, hey, hee.

Hey. Hey.

Why, how do you do, doctors?

Well, where is Garçon?

Right here.

Garçon.

Hey, Garçon.

ALL:

Garçon. Garçon.

Here he is.

[SNARLING]

Ah.

That's not my dog.

She fainted. Get something.

Do something.

All right.

Don't worry.

[CRIES OUT]

You thieves.

You vandals.

What have you done

with my dog?

I'm sorry, lady,

we made a mistake.

We brought the wrong dog.

You get my dog back,

or I'll have the police on you.

We'll bring him back, alive.

You'd better.

We'd better get her dog back,

or she'll have us in jail.

Come on.

Mm.

Mush.

[LOUD CRASHING]

ALL:

Garçon.

Here, Garçon.

Garçon.

I tell you, the jig is up, boys.

I can see us in jail.

Yeah, on a rock pile,

making little ones

out of big ones.

Listen, bloodhound,

if you got any blood in you,

you'll find Garçon.

Now, go on do your stuff.

Look, he's gonna find him.

Come on.

He sees something.

On your toes, you heels.

He's calling us.

[SNORTS]

Why don't he make up his mind?

Quiet. We'll find out.

Come on.

You double-crosser.

Listen, if you got

any pointer in you,

you better start pointing

and pointing out

those dognappers.

Get the point?

Hm.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

He must be a poinsettia.

Quiet,

you hot Airedale.

[BARKS]

[GROWLING]

Oh.

I wonder why we haven't heard

from the owner of that dog.

Search me.

[SNIFFING]

Please don't be a poinsettia.

Start pointing.

Come on.

He's on a scent.

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Oh. Oh.

Get out of the way.

We're looking for a dog.

He had four legs

and a tail.

No, I ain't seen no dog.

[GASPS]

It's them.

The dognappers.

Come on.

Get him, Moe.

CURLY:

Hold him still.

[GROANS]

Give it to him.

Sock him in the chin.

Ow.

Nyah, ah, ah.

Yaah, ah, ah.

Sic him.

Tear him to pieces.

[ROARS]

[WHIMPERING]

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

I'll get him--

Wait a minute.

Let me at him.

I'll mop up the floor with him.

Whoo, hoo-hoo.

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Whoo.

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Whoo. Whoo.

Hold, mule.

[BARKS]

[DOG BARKING]

It's Garçon.

He's in the closet.

Come on.

[WHINING]

MOE:

Success.

Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

[GRUNTING]

I told you to stop it.

Oh. Oh.

[WAILING]

[♪]

Calling All Curs (1939) - full transcript