Call Me Madam (1953) - full transcript

♪ She's the hostess
with the mostest, on the ball ♪

♪ Square dance,
the Washington square dance ♪

I, Sally Adams,
do solemnly swear...

that I will well and faithfully
discharge the duties of the office...

on which I am about to enter,
so help me God.

Madam Ambassador,

you are now the accredited
representative of the United States...

to the Grand Duchy of Lichtenburg.

My congratulations.

This is the proudest and
happiest moment of my life.

I am proud because my duties
take me to a country



it has long been my dream
to know and love...

the glorious Grand Duchy of Lichtenburg.

Lichtenburg and the United States
of America are both conscious...

of the historic friendship that has
existed between our two peoples.

I shall seriously endeavor to preserve
that warm relationship.

And I shall strive with
all my heart and strength...

to bring about
a closer unity between us.

Congratulations, Madam Ambassador.

- How soon do you leave us?
- Tomorrow morning.

And when do you
arrive at your post?

I'm not sure. Hey, boss.
Where the heck is Lichtenburg?

- Step on it. She's on her way down.
- Hope I got enough light.

With Sally's diamonds, you don't need lights.

Hey!



- Mrs. Adams!
- Madam Ambassador.

Hold it.
Big smile now. Thank you.

- How about a statement?
- Tell us about it.

One at a time, boys.
One at a time. You tee off Johnny.

This way, Mrs. Adams.

That's fine. Thank you.

Mrs. Adams, as our new
ambassador to Lichtenburg,

is there any statement
you'd like to make?

Yes there is. You can say for
me boys, that the farewell party

I'm throwing tonight is
gonna be a killer-diller.

And you're all invited.
End of statement.

- Hey. - Wow. - But Mrs. Adams.

Don't you feel that Lichtenburg should
be included in some multilateral system...

- to promote exchange stability?
- He talks cute.

No, I mean, shouldn't Lichtenburg
be brought into the IBRD?

You don't have to spell it out.
You can say it in front of these fellas.

- Seriously, Mrs. Adams.
- Okay, seriously...

I don't know what the h-
I don't know what you're talking about.

My city editor thought up
those questions, not me.

But I would like to know how
you got this appointment.

- That one I can answer.

♪ I was born on a thousand acres
of Oklahoma land ♪

♪ Nothing grew on the thousand acres
For it was gravel and sand ♪

♪ One day Father
started digging in a field ♪

♪ Hoping to find some soil ♪

♪ He dug and he dug
and what do you think ♪

♪Oil, oil, oil♪

♪The money rolled in and I rolled out
with a fortune piled so high ♪

♪ Washington was my destination ♪

♪ And now who am I ♪

♪ I'm the chosen party giver ♪

♪ For the White House clientele ♪

♪ And they know that I deliver ♪

♪ What it takes to make them jell ♪

♪ And in Washington
I'm known by one and all ♪

♪ As the hostess
with the mostest on the ball ♪

♪ They would go to Elsa Maxwell ♪

♪ When they had an axe to grind ♪

♪ They could always grind their axe well
at the parties she designed ♪

♪ Now the hatchet grinders
all prefer to call ♪

♪ On the hostess
with the mostest on the ball ♪

♪ I've a great big bar and good caviar ♪

♪ Yes, the best that can be found ♪

♪ And a large amount
in my bank account ♪

♪ When election time comes 'round ♪

♪ Entertaining vodka drinkers ♪

♪ Is a job they give to me ♪

♪ Making nice guys out of stinkers ♪

♪ Seems to be my cup of tea ♪

♪ What they really need
behind the iron wall ♪

♪ Is the hostess
with the mostest on the ball ♪

♪ In the handbag that I'll carry ♪

♪There's a precious little note ♪

♪ To Their Highnesses from Harry ♪

♪ Introducing me, he wrote ♪

♪ I'll appreciate a favour, large or small ♪

♪ For the hostess who's the hostess ♪

♪ With the mostest on the ball ♪

Uh, Sally. You wouldn't like me to make a
little farewell speech tonight, would you?

That's right. I wouldn't.

I hear you were wonderful
in the senate today, Charlie.

- I didn't speak today.
- Everybody loved it.

Hi, deep and thoughtful.
Why aren't you dancing?

- Nobody asked me.

You're gonna be sorry you said that.

- Excuse me, Charlie.
- Surely.

Let's see. You're with
the Morning Globe, aren't you?

Not anymore.
I'm going with you to Lichtenburg.

- With me?
- As your press attaché.

- Who hired you? - Nobody yet. But
you're gonna need a press attaché.

- And I need a job. I got fired this afternoon...
- ls that a recommendation?

In a way. I got fired for writing
nice things about your appointment.

- Yeah?
- Uh, no. I just made that up to impress you.

Actually, the boss and I
did have a difference of opinion.

But it concerned a matter
of eight bucks a week.

Well, I'm available, Mrs. Adams.
I think you'll find me useful.

I know quite a lot
about European politics.

And you think I don't.
Is that it?

Well, I think you're
gonna learn very fast.

- Well, thank you, Mr.-
- Mr. Gibson. Kenneth Gibson.

I can be cleared by the State Department
in the morning, and be ready to leave by noon.

- Uh, no dice, huh? - Pardon me, Mrs.
Adams. You're wanted on the phone.

- Whoever it is, tell them to come right over.
- It's long distance, Mrs. Adams.

- You'll want this call.
- Oh. Thank you, Burton.

Sorry, kid.
I don't need a press attaché.

Wish I did.

Hello?

Hello, Harry.
How's everything in Independence?

Yep. I'm leaving in the morning.

What? Oh, sure.
The party's going fine.

I'm sorry you and Bess
couldn't make it.

Is Margaret with you?

Denver? How did it go?

Even in Denver.

Well, the critics don't know everything.
She made money, didn't she?

Good. Harry, I'm afraid
I won't get to see you before I leave.

Yes, I'm gonna take
this job very seriously.

Thanks, Harry, for everything.
Love to the family. Bye, Harry.

We're all ready for the newsreel shots.
We're set up in the den.

- Just a short talk. It won't take a minute.
- Talk? What will I say?

Oh, you know. What you intend
to do when you get over there.

- A few facts about Lichtenburg. Anything.
- What do I know about Lichten-

Mrs. Adams. Excuse me.
Those notes you dictated.

- Notes?
- I think it's about what you'll need.

Oh, thanks, kid.

Uh, Kenneth here, Mr. Gibson,
is my press attaché.

- He's going with me to Lichtenburg.
- Oh, splendid.

Okay, let's get it over with.

Now, Mrs. Adams. If you'll just step
over here, please. You boys all set up?

And though as a diplomatic post, Lichtenburg's
importance cannot be overestimated.

The country
is no bigger than... Brooklyn?

While Sally's celebrated friends
congratulate and wish her Godspeed...

they may recall the days when the fabulous
Oklahoma widow, new in Washington...

made her still widely quoted remark...

a remark that was to endear her
in the hearts of the nation's capital.

I'll take the check.

But in the years to follow...

it was her simple forthright
charm and native common sense...

that made her Washington's
number-one hostess...

and brought to her home, leaders of society,
leaders of the nation's government.

Quiet everybody! Quiet!

♪ Too small to be a city ♪

♪ Too big to be a town ♪

♪ Too poor to have an army ♪

♪ And too easy to knock down, ♪

♪ But somehow ♪

♪ We manage to play the game ♪

♪ While the other lands ♪

♪ Keep changing hands ♪

♪ Old Lichtenburg stays the same ♪

Three columns in the Lichtenburg City
Sun, and two in the Kallenhaffen Express.

- That's not bad, huh?
- Seven hours late.

- What have you to say to that?
- I tried to get her to fly over with me.

You and your female ambassador.

Sir?
- Yes?

We finally have a report on Mrs. Adams.

- Well?
- She was in Switzerland last night.

- Switzerland? - And this morning at
8:00, she tried to cross the border into Italy.

She insisted it was Lichtenburg.

- Well, it's comforting to know
she's found Europe. - Yes, sir.

This reflects on me.
I made an appointment with her...

to receive the prime minister at I 2:00.

- Now it's after 3:00.
- Take it easy, Maxwell. She'll get here.

Gibson, you are talking to
the embassy's chargé d'affaires.

Don't you think it would be more courteous
to address me as Mr. Maxwell or "sir"?

Why, certainly,
if it seems important, sir.

But I think you're going to find that Mrs.
Adams prefers informality in the office, sir.

Mrs. Adams' preferences
interest me very little.

I fully intend to go on running the embassy
while she remains quietly in the background.

Like to make a little bet?

Mr. Maxwell.

Oh. Sir.

Mr. Maxwell, about the presentation
at the palace tonight...

- what should we inform the Grand Duke?
- Let's not bother the Grand Duke.

His Highness has troubles of his own.

Gentlemen, I see no necessity
for all this talk, talk, talk!

We are agreed that the marriage is desirable for
both countries. We are agreed on the terms.

- Otto! Not so excited.
- Please, Sophie.

I do not see how parliament
could have made it any clearer.

When my niece marries Prince Hugo...

Here, I'll read it again.

"The dowry of the Princess Royal upon
her marriage will be two million krobbles..."

"and her income will be tripled."

Well, Excellency, does that not answer
all your questions?

All but one, Mr. Prime Minister.
The, uh-

Well. What? What? What?

Where is Lichtenburg
going to get the money?

If I may be so blunt...

your treasury is no better off
than our own in Mittledorf.

The answer, Excellency,
is simple statesmanship.

We will get an American loan.

The minister of finance means
he will ask for an American loan.

- It amounts to the same thing.
- To be sure.

Now, and mind you, I'm speaking for
my government rather than Prince Hugo...

who, as you know, is not interested
in material things.

He is simply a young man,
wholesomely in love.

Now, I see no reason why this marriage
should not take place immediately-

uh, after these unpleasant financial
details have been worked out.

Do not worry, Excellency.

When the lady ambassador gets here,
there will be no problem.

We have very reliable reports
that she's extremely warmhearted...

tremendously generous and very inexperienced.

It will be... Oh.

She's here!
She has arrived!

My type.

Your Highnesses, if you will excuse us.

- We will be back immediately with
everything arranged. - Good, good.

- Not bad, huh?
- It'll do.

- Say, this is quite a layout. - Yes, it was built
by the Grand Duke's uncle, Count Maximillian...

for his, uh... for a dancer
he was crazy about.

Why, the old son of a gun.

- And, uh, this is your office here, Mrs. Adams.
- Oh?

- I'll go see about the trunks. Excuse me.
- Right.

Thank you, staff. Any problems,
my door is always open. At ease.

Hello, I'm Sally Adams.
Who are you?

- The chargé d'affaires.
- Who?

I am Pemberton Maxwell. I'm in charge
of affairs here at the embassy.

Oh, you're one of the office help.
You'll find me easy to work for.

Mrs. Adams, we might as well understand
each other immediately.

- When I have appointments, I arrive on time.
- Well, bully for you.

Of course, I happen to have
a diplomatic background...

a family tradition
of government service.

- My father was a public servant, so was
my grandfather. - What do you know?

My grandmother was a servant too. She
was a chambermaid at the Old Waldorf.

Call the duke and duchess, will you?
And tell them I'll drop in around 4:00.

Sort of get acquainted.

Mrs. Adams, apparently I'm going to
have to teach you a great many things...

- you quite obviously do not know.
- You're gonna teach me?

Look at you.
Your coat and pants don't even match.

Oh, Mrs. Adams. The prime minister
is here with the minister of finance.

Well, ask them to come in, Ken.

Mrs. Adams, in these matters of state
it would be wise to consult me.

I could tell you, for example,
they are desperate for an American loan.

Oh, I know all about that. They told me
in Washington to turn them down.

Cold but diplomatic.

Come in, gentlemen.

Mr. Chargé d'affaires.

Your Excellencies,
it is my pleasure to present to you...

the representative of the United States
of America, Mrs. Sally Adams.

- Madam Ambassador.
- And this is-

This is the proudest
and happiest moment of my life.

Lichtenburg and the United States
of America are both conscious...

of the historic friendship that
has existed between our two countries.

- Grab some chairs. - And if I may be
permitted an extremely unofficial remark...

off the record, as you say...

- the American ambassador is very beautiful.
- So beautiful.

Well, thank you.

A good optometrist
could clean up around here.

- - Now, if the minister
of finance may speak officially...

Mr. Tantinnin.

Madam Ambassador,
we, too, are conscious...

of the historic friendship that
has existed between our two countries.

When one contrasts the wealthy
and prosperous nation you represent-

- Not a dollar.
- With the position of my poor country...

- Not a quarter. - You must realize the
need for a closer relationship between us.

Not a dime.

Of course, if you'd care
to stick around for a few beers.

No. No, thank you.

But if we could only go back
and tell the Grand Duke...

that we have opened negotiations
for an American loan.

- Okay, you open them.
- Oh, thank you. That's wonderful.

And I'll close them.

Madam Ambassador is jesting.

Yes. I'm sure we can come to some kind of an
agreement that will be mutually satisfactory.

Ten will get you 20.
Drop in again, boys.

Madam Ambassador.

Mr. Chargé.

Well, I told them, didn't I?

Yes. And with such great finesse.

It strikes me that a woman with your
enormous lack of experience, Mrs. Adams...

Call me "Madam."

- Madam.
- When you call me madam, smile.

Madam, I happen to be
chargé d'affaires.

And I happen to be
chargée the whole works.

Aw, look, fancy-pants. We have to
work together. We ought to be friendly.

- You're gonna like me and-
- I prefer to keep our relations official, madam.

Okay, now we understand each other.

I'm the madam,
and you're just one of the boys.

Yes?

Mr. Maxwell,
the foreign minister is here.

- He wishes to see you immediately.
- Me?

I beg your pardon.
I'd expected to find you alone.

- May! address myself only to you?
- Certainly, General, certainly.

I would not think of calling on the American
ambassador without an appointment.

But perhaps you would
inform Her Excellency...

that with all Lichtenburg,
I rejoice in her arrival.

She will be so informed, General.

Would you be good enough to add,
that at Her Excellency's convenience...

the foreign minister will be happy to make
an appointment to receive her credentials.

- Forgive the intrusion.
- What's your hurry, General?

May, uh-
May! introduce myself?

- I am the...
- Pardon me, madam.

Your Excellency, it is my
pleasure to present to you...

the representative of
the United States of America...

Madam Ambassador, Mrs. Sally Adams.

General Cosmo Constantine,
secretary of state for foreign affairs...

for the Grand Duchy of Lichtenburg.

Excellency.

Get lost. Get lost.

Here are my references.

This is the proudest and
happiest moment of my life.

Lichtenburg and
the United States of America...

are both conscious
of the historic friendship...

that has existed
between our two countries.

I shall seriously endeavor to
preserve that warm relationship.

And I shall strive with
all my heart and strength...

to bring about
a closer unity between us.

- How much do you want?
- I do not understand.

- How much money?
- Money?

Cabbage, lettuce,
you know, that green stuff.

♪ Money, money, money, money
Can you use any money today ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money
Nice new bills that we're giving away ♪

♪ There are photographs on every one ♪

♪ Lincoln, Grant and Washington ♪

♪ Or you might like the ones
with Henry Clay ♪

♪ Can you use any money today ♪

♪Two million, four million
six million, eight million ♪

♪ Ten ♪

♪ Take what you want
When it's gone you can come back again ♪

♪ Bills that haven't been printed yet ♪

♪ You can have them by the sack ♪

♪ Coins that haven't been minted yet ♪

♪ That you never have to give back ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money
Uncle Sam puts it right on the line ♪

♪ And if we ever run out
of checks for him to sign ♪

♪ You can have mine, all of mine ♪

♪ You can have mine ♪

♪ Home in the States underground
there's a cave full of gold ♪

♪ Back up a truck and we'll
fill it with all it can hold ♪

♪ Take 10 million
and please don't fuss ♪

♪ If you find it can't be spent ♪

♪ You can lend it right back to us ♪

♪ And we'll pay you at seven percent ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money
Uncle Sam puts it right on the line ♪

♪ And if that fellow with whiskers ♪

♪ Ever should decline ♪

♪ You can have mine, all of mine♪

♪ You can have mine ♪

Name your own figure. Could you use
50 million? How about a hundred million?

Madam Ambassador, I am convinced
that the people of Lichtenburg...

can and should help themselves
without foreign aid.

- I would oppose an American loan.
- You're kidding.

- No, Excellency. - Well, seems to me,
that's not a very friendly attitude.

Borrowing money is not always difficult,
but paying it back.

Paying it back?
That is naive.

Uh, of course, all I can do
is make a recommendation.

But, uh-

Sit down, General.

Thank you.

- Lovely room.
- Yes.

I understand it was built by the
Grand Duke's uncle for his cutie-pie.

Yes, that was quite a scandal.

Uh, I believe it is in this room...

that the door to the secret passageway
is located.

- Oh?
- Yes, somewhere along here.

Here it is.

It leads to the palace
through the royal wine cellar.

Very interesting. It sort of gives
the old room a romantic feeling.

Don't you kind of sense it, Excellency?

Forgive my digression, but, uh...

I would like to clarify
my views on foreign policy...

if the American ambassador
is interested.

If she isn't, she ought
to have her head examined.

I was just thinking
that the American ambassador...

might understand the foreign minister's
views a little better...

if she knew something about him.

Unquestionably. What is it that
Madam Ambassador would like to know?

Uh, is the foreign minister married?

No, Excellency.
Any other questions?

Just one. Does the foreign minister
like roast turkey?

- We're having it for dinner tonight.
- Tonight?

With candied yams and cranberry sauce.

The foreign minister has a passion
for roast turkey, with what you said.

But isn't it tonight that Her Excellency
is going to the palace?

The palace?
Who's playing there?

No. Tonight...

Madam Ambassador and her staff
will be presented at court.

Their Highnesses are giving a bail.

Oh, yeah? Oh, swell. Well.

I must jot that down.
Now, let me see.

- Tonight, presentation at palace.
- 8:30, Excellency.

Tomorrow night, turkey dinner.
7:30, Excellency.

I am very sorry.
I wish I were free tomorrow night.

- Friday night? Sunday, Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday? - No, I-

- Tuesday would be perfect.
- Fine.

Then we can talk more
about the loan. Seriously.

You are the most American
American I have ever met.

That's the nicest thing
anybody ever told me.

You couldn't have said anything that...

"The most American"...

Of course, I know
there's a knock in there too.

Please translate into English
this word "knock?"

You know, you think
I'm all right except...

Okay, I can take it.
What are the exceptions?

Well, forgive me, but perhaps for Americans,
money is a little too important.

There are more
valuable things than money.

That's what money's for,
to buy them with.

- With money you cannot buy-
- What can't you buy?

Many things.
For one, love, a happy marriage.

I thought that marrying for money
was sort of an old custom around here.

Yes, and in my own family
for generations.

But to me, a marriage for money,
something never to do.

- I learned that lesson when a child.
- You were married while a child?

I learned it from my parents,
my grandparents, my uncles...

my great-uncles, my cousins.

♪ Ten generations of Constantines ♪

♪ Lived very comfortable lives ♪

♪ They were contented to live in style ♪

♪ Supported by their wives ♪

♪ Daughters of men who were wealthy ♪

♪ Fitted them like a glove ♪

♪ They all married for money ♪

♪ I mean to marry for love ♪

♪ It's an old-fashioned idea ♪

♪ Marrying for love ♪

♪ And that old-fashioned idea ♪

♪ Is what I'm thinking of ♪

♪ Where there's love ♪

♪ Poets have said ♪

♪ Two can live as one ♪

♪ That's an old-fashioned idea ♪

♪ But it's being done ♪

♪ If she must have gold ♪

♪ Let it be in her hair♪

♪ Rubies, let them be in her lips ♪

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Let them shine in her eyes ♪

♪ Just an old-fashioned romance ♪

♪ With the moon above ♪

♪ A romance, one that will end ♪

♪ Marrying for love ♪

♪ That's the kind of love ♪

♪ That I'm thinking of. ♪

Me too.

♪ That's the kind of love ♪

♪ That I'm thinking of. ♪

Mrs. Adams,
about the presentation tonight.

I... Anything wrong?

- I just met General Constantine.
- And?

Wow.

Maxwell said this thing is strictly formal.
I've got everything but a high hat.

- Ken.
- I guess I'd better get one.

Oh, pardon me.
What were you going to say?

Wow.

Here we are.

- The Grand Duke Otto, he has one just like it.
- Is that so?

Oh, perfect.
Fits like a glove.

- I kind of wanted it to fit like a hat.
- Only 300 krobbles.

Three hundred? Bigger hat,
smaller price, if you don't mind.

- Two hundred krobbles. Twenty dollars.
- Two hundred?

Ah, this is it.
That's fine. I'll take it.

- I will get a box. Just a few seconds.
- Thank you.

Oh, pardon me.

- Are you busy?
- No.

No. No, not at all.

Is that an American song?

Why, yes. It's a hit from a show
that ran a couple of years on Broadway.

Could I hear the words, please?

Don't see why not.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ So whatever you've got to do ♪

♪ You've got a lovely day to do it in ♪

♪ That's true ♪

♪ And I hope whatever you've got to do ♪

♪ Is something that can be done by two ♪

♪ For I'd really like to stay ♪

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ And whatever you've got to do ♪

♪ I'd be so happy to be doing it with you ♪

♪ But if you've got something
that must be done ♪

♪ And it can only be done by one ♪

♪ There is nothing more to say ♪

♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

And it's very danceable too.

Oh, yes. Thank you.
I shall want that.

- Anything else new from America?
- Mm-hmm. Me.

- You see, I, uh, I really don't work here.
- Oh.

- Your Highness.
- Oh.

I am still looking.
Thank you.

- I will call.
- Your Highness.

Well, I...I guess that makes us
about even, Your Highness.

I...I mistook you
for somebody professional.

An actress or a dancer.

Oh, yes? That is very odd. Because I've
always wanted to be an actress or a dancer.

- Oh, really?
- I'm afraid it is very improper for me to-

Oh, forgive me. I'm Kenneth Gibson of
the American Embassy, Your Highness.

I am terribly sorry.

This may sound pompous.

- But until we are formally presented-
- Oh, I understand perfectly.

The first thing you learn in
a State Department job is protocol.

Why, we shouldn't even
be talking at all.

- We are not anymore, are we?
- Oh, no.

The thing that threw me...

Well, I had no idea that the Princess
Royal would be travelling about alone.

Oh, I am not alone.
My equerries.

They would like to stay closer to me.

I can understand that.

But I enjoy the feeling of privacy.

The people, don't they all know you?

Oh, yes. But they are
considerate and kind.

They pretend they do not notice me.

Why, I think I could do
almost anything.

Dance, sing,
stand on my head even...

and no one would look at me.

That's hard to believe.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ And whatever you've got to do ♪

♪ I'd be so happy
to be doing it with you ♪

♪ But if you've got something
that must be done ♪

♪ And it can only be done by one ♪

♪ There is nothing more to say ♪

♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

Well, that's very nice.
Very nice, Your Highness.

And you were right,
nobody seemed to be watching it.

It is a good thing Uncle Otto was not.

Oh, forgive me.
I have many things to do.

♪ Well, if you've something
that must be done ♪

♪ Now don't forget two heads
are better than just one ♪

♪ And besides
I'm certain if you knew me ♪

♪ You'd find I'm very good company ♪

♪ Won't you kindly let me stay ♪

♪ Well, if you've got something
that must be done ♪

♪ And it can only be done by one ♪

♪ There is nothing more to say ♪

♪ Except it's a lovely day for saying ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

♪ It's a lovely day ♪

- I hope you're not as upset as I am.
- About what?

All these sordid formalities,
dowries, income.

It would be wonderful if we could run away
like simple peasants and marry tomorrow.

- No? - I cannot pretend I am dying
of impatience, Your Highness.

- We scarcely know each other.
- My mother did not meet my father...

until three days
before their wedding.

- Have they been happy?
- Well, uh-

Your Highness should not listen
to backstairs gossip.

Besides, things would have been entirely
different if our country were not so poor.

Which reminds me. I understand the
American ambassador will be here tonight.

Yes, with her staff.

Your Excellency, Their Highnesses
will receive you in a very few moments.

I'll wait.

- Are you sure you know what to do, madam?
- I curtsey at the door...

Bending the left knee, keeping
the back straight, the head up...

- with under no circumstances a wobble.
- Okay, no wobble.

I step inside and curtsey again.

Why? I'll never know.

I walk to the throne and curtsey again,
for Pete's sake.

- Then I hand the Grand Duke my recommendations.
- Your credentials.

Okay. I hand them to him. Then
I tell him how glad I am to be here.

And he tells me how glad he is
I am here. I make out I believe it.

Then maybe he says, "Sit down." In that
case, I tell him a couple of jokes...

- Please.
- I'll keep it clean.

When he gets up, I get up.
I curtsey again, no wobble.

And just to make sure I haven't got
a chance, they make me wear this.

I don't mind a train, but they shouldn't
have given me the super chief.

- Good evening.
- General.

I am very sorry, but the delay is unavoidable.
His Highness has been resting.

- A slight indisposition.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Uh, we could make it some other time.

Their Royal Highnesses...

the Grand Duke and
Grand Duchess of Lichtenburg.

- - Now, now.
No need to be nervous.

You go ahead, Cosmo.
I'll be fine.

You just be yourself and Their
Highnesses will find you enchanting.

Curtsey in here, in there.

Then I walk to the-

The ambassador and her staff
will now be received.

Okay, boys. Here we go.
Where are my credentials?

- I have them here, madam.
- Oh. - Mrs. Adams.

- Yes? - Don't you want to get
the train back on the track?

Oh.

I do want Harry to be proud of me.

Her Excellency, the Ambassador
from the United States of America.

I must have wobbled.

My credentials, Your Highness.

And I want to tell you how happy I am
to be in this Grand Duchy of Lichtenburg.

I think one reason is it just so happens
that one of my ancestors was Dutch.

So you can understand how happy I am
to be in this Grand Duchy...

and to meet all you grand Dutchmen.

- Dutchmen?
- Does she think we are Dutch?

We are Lichtenburgers,
Madam Ambassador.

Yes, of course.
Extremely amusing, Madam Ambassador.

So amusing.

Your Excellency.

Why don't you sit down, Highness?
I understand you've been under the weather.

Well, these are very trying times
for small nations.

But I imagine the wise ambassador from
a much more fortunate country knows...

what would make me feel
a great deal better.

- Am I right, Excellency?
- Could be.

Tomorrow I'll send you a bowl
of nice, thick chicken soup.

It's my grandmother's recipe.

Do you know that she never once
called a doctor in 40 years?

Of course, she did owe him money.

And now, if it's all right with you,
Your Highness...

there's a member of my staff
who hasn't been presented yet.

He's a nice kid.
Mr. Kenneth Gibson.

Your Highnesses.
Your Highness.

- The interview is over, madam.
- Oh.

Well, it's sure nice
to have met Your Highnesses.

- Uh, Your Highness, is it proper for me to-
- Oh, no. No.

- I must ask you.
- Oh.

I hope you're enjoying your stay
in Lichtenburg, Mr. Gibson.

- I'm not, Your Highness.
- No?

Well, you see, it's extremely personal,
I'm afraid, not protocol.

You may tell me.

Well, they'd never believe this
back home, not in a thousand years.

- What? - Well, I met a girl, and
I can't get her out of my mind.

Is that so unpleasant?

Ordinarily, no. But, uh-

Well, this is like a fairy tale
without much chance for a happy ending.

You see, the girl turned out to be
a real honest-to-goodness princess.

You dance very well, Mr. Gibson.

I'll shut up, Your Highness.

Cosmo, I'm getting
very fond of Lichtenburg.

Well, you couldn't have
arrived at a better time.

Our annual fair opens next week.

- Yeah? I hear that's quite a shindig.
- Oh, yes. Very colourful.

Much to see. The Princess Royal
leads our dance festival.

You will enjoy it, Excellency.

- What is it? I have said something?
- Oh, this "excellency" business.

Isn't it about time the foreign minister
started getting less foreign?

You say such amusing things.
I wish I could understand them.

I shall have to spend some evenings
with an English-American dictionary.

You name the evenings,
and I'll be over.

- May I, Excellency?
- Of course, Your Highness.

I have not danced for years.

- But in honor of the American ambassador-
- Oh, you're doing fine.

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

Well, now you're really groovy.

- Yeah?
- One, two, three. One, two, three.

- Fine.

Tell me just how does this reception differ...

- from your famous Washington parties?
- Well, we have a good time.

Uh, I mean, we're less formal.

- You know, everybody sort of pitches in and...

Look. Why don't I
just show Your Highness?

Why, yes.
Please do, Excellency.

Got anything hot, maestro?

- Hot?
- Yeah. You know, sizzling.

Oh, yes. I know what you mean.
Something up-to-date?

We have it. Let's see.

Here it is.

An American song.
Irving Berlin.

- "The International Rag."
- Hmm, 1913.

Well, that's fairly up-to-date.
Let's give it a whirl.

- Real razzamatazz, Highness.
- Razzamatazz.

Excuse me.

- Hit it, boys!

♪ What did you do, America ♪

♪ They're after you, America ♪

♪ You got excited
and you started something ♪

♪ Nations jumping all around ♪

♪ You've got a lot to answer for ♪

♪ They lay the blame
right at your door ♪

♪ The world is ragtime crazy ♪

♪ From shore to shore ♪

♪ London dropped its dignity ♪

♪ So has France and Germany ♪

♪ All hands are dancing to a raggedy
melody full of originality ♪

♪The folks who live in sunny Spain ♪

♪ Dance to a strain ♪

♪ That they call the Spanish tango ♪

♪ Dukes and lords and diplomats ♪

♪ Dressed in tails and opera hats ♪

♪ Throw up their shoulders to that raggedy
melody full of originality ♪

♪ Italian opera singers ♪

♪ Have learned to snap their fingers ♪

♪ The world goes round to the sound
of the International Rag ♪

♪ That was 1913 ♪

♪ Still today each "Europeen" ♪

♪ Throws up his shoulders to that raggedy
melody full of originality ♪

♪ All Harrys, Dicks and Tommys ♪

♪ And someday even Commies ♪

♪ Will dance around to the sound
of a raggedy melody full of originality ♪

♪ Oh, oh
Wiggle your personality ♪

♪ Doing the International ♪

♪ Doing the International Rag ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

Hey, what are we waiting for?
Hit it again.

- Come on, everybody. Let's have some fun.

Shake it up.

No. Oh, please,
we had better get back.

Oh, yes.
You're perfectly right.

We... We...

- That was impertinent.
- I know.

No. No, it was not. It-

Good night.

You know, Sally, you have brought
a new vitality to Lichtenburg.

The old vitality suits me fine.

General. Forgive me, Excellency.

- At your convenience, could His Highness see you?
- Of course.

Go ahead.
Maxwell's right here.

As you say in America, okay.

You are going to permit me
to take you home?

Sure. Where do you live?

- It's a pleasure to watch them work.
- Work?

When those old-world diplomats are good,
they're magnificent.

So beautifully sly and devious.

Surely, madam, you don't suppose the foreign
minister's attentions are purely personal?

You mean,
you don't think he likes me?

To be perfectly candid, I doubt
the question has even entered his mind.

With these fellas,
there are only two kinds of people:

those who can serve their purpose
and those who can't.

You, madam, as the ambassador
of a rich country...

If you're referring to the loan,
let me tell you something.

Oh, I'm quite sure I can
tell you the same thing.

He said he didn't want a loan-

- that he would oppose accepting a loan.
- Yes, he did.

The "hard to get" method.
They don't miss a trick.

You don't suppose
they're discussing the weather?

- Mrs. Adams, if you don't mind-
- Ken, I-I think we'd better go.

I'd like to.

- Yes?
- You wanted to see me, Mrs. Adams?

Yeah, I'd like to hand
the president a few laughs.

Will you dream up
a funny cablegram for me?

You know, about the presentation.

Tell him about my pratfall.

- I will, Mrs. Adams.
- I'll appreciate it, kid. Be out in a minute.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ And whatever you've got to do ♪

♪ You've got a lovely day to do it in ♪

♪ That's true ♪

♪ But if you've got something
that must be done ♪

♪ And it can only be done by one ♪

Ken, Cosmo expects me
to go to the fair with him.

Remind me to cancel, will you?

This the cable to the president?

"Dearest Maria"...
Well, that should hand him a laugh.

Look, kid, these things happen...

to all of us.

Nothing could be as bad as...

Ken, what's happened to you?

♪ I hear singing ♪

♪ And there's no one there ♪

♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ And the trees are bare ♪

♪ All day long I seem to walk on air ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I keep tossing in my sleep at night ♪

♪ And what's more
I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ Stars that used to
twinkle in the skies ♪

♪ Are twinkling in my eyes ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪

♪ It is not so surprising ♪

♪ That you feel very strange but nice ♪

♪ Your heart goes pitter-patter ♪

♪ I know just what's the matter ♪

♪ Because I've been there
once or twice ♪

♪ Put your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ You need someone who's older ♪

♪ A rubdown with a velvet glove ♪

♪ There is nothing you can take ♪

♪ To relieve that pleasant ache ♪

♪ You're not sick
You're just in love ♪

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪
- ♪ I hear singing ♪

♪ It is not so surprising ♪
- ♪ And there's no one there ♪

♪ That you feel very strange ♪
- ♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ But nice ♪
- ♪ And the trees are bare ♪

♪ Your heart goes pitter-patter ♪
- ♪ All day long I seem ♪

♪ I know just what's the matter ♪
- ♪ To walk on air ♪

♪ Because I've been there once or twice ♪
- ♪ I wonder why, I wonder why ♪

♪ Put your head on my shoulder ♪
- ♪ I keep tossing ♪

♪ You need someone who's older ♪
- ♪ In my sleep at night ♪

♪ A rubdown ♪
- ♪ And what's more ♪

♪ With a velvet glove ♪
- ♪ I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ There is nothing you can take ♪
- ♪ Stars that used to twinkle ♪

♪ To relieve that pleasant ache ♪
- ♪ In the skies ♪

♪ You're not sick ♪
- ♪ Are twinkling in my eyes ♪

♪ You're just in love ♪
- ♪ I wonder why ♪

- Come on now. Snap out of it.
- I hear singing.

- But you just said that.
- I know, but...

♪ I hear singing and there's no one there ♪
- ♪ It is not so surprising ♪

♪ That you feel very strange ♪
- ♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ But nice ♪
- ♪ And the trees are bare ♪

♪ Your heart goes pitter-patter ♪
- ♪ All day long I seem ♪

♪ I know just what's the matter ♪
- ♪ To walk on air ♪

♪ I wonder why, I wonder why ♪
- ♪ Because I've been there once or twice ♪

♪ Put your head on my shoulder ♪
- ♪ I keep tossing ♪

♪ You need someone who's older ♪
- ♪ In my sleep at night ♪

♪ A rubdown ♪
- ♪ And what's more ♪

♪ With a velvet glove ♪
- ♪ I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ There is nothing you can take ♪
- ♪ Stars that used to twinkle ♪

♪ To relieve that pleasant ache ♪
- ♪ In the skies ♪

♪ You're not sick ♪
- ♪ Are twinkling in my eyes ♪

♪ You're just in love ♪
- ♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ Dance the polka ♪

♪ Dance to the music of the ocarina ♪

♪ Ocarina, ocarina ♪

♪ Gretchen and Otto
Hans and Wilhelmina ♪

♪ Dance to the ocarina, dance ♪

♪ Dance to the music:
of the sweet potato ♪

♪ Sweet potato, sweet potato ♪

♪ Cheeks getting redder
than the ripe tomato ♪

♪ Dance to the ocarina, dance ♪

♪ Listen and hear the notes escaping ♪

♪ Out of that tiny hole ♪

♪ Doesn't it please your soul ♪

♪ Doesn't it say, dance the polka ♪

♪ Step to the music of the ocarina ♪

♪ Who refuses Wilhelmina ♪

♪ Wait till she listens to the ocarina ♪

♪ I know that Wilhelmina will ♪

The lady ambassador is late.

I don't know. What do we gain
by waiting for her?

This, Mr. Sebastian, is a job
for a man who understands women.

Oh. Here.

Let me talk to her alone.
You'll see.

- Madam Ambassador.
- Your Excellencies.

- Hi. - Your presence adds so
much to the beauty of our fair.

So much.

- Thank you.
- Now, if madam will enter the official car.

We thought it might be
more fun walking.

Oh, no. This is an honor
you cannot deny us.

Okay. See you boys later.

To the royal box.

What about your sidekick?
Doesn't he go along?

Well, you see,
we have a saying in Lichtenburg...

"Alone at the fair with a lady fair..."

- "no greater delight anywhere."
- That so?

Madam Ambassador,
you're a diplomat from a great country.

But to me, you're also a woman.

Very interesting point of view.

When I'm with a lovely lady,
I forget all problems of state.

I forget budgets.
I forget foreign loans.

Ever try a memory course?

You know, it is spring,
Madam Ambassador.

I know. We've got a calendar
at the embassy. Cut it out, Excellency.

Forgive me. I'm trying to control
my ardent nature. But madam-

I said cut it out, Mr. Tantinnin.

- I want you to call me August.
- Well, that'll be soon enough.

- I'll get out here, driver.
- Your Excellency.

Look here, buster. I thought this
was the foreign minister's racket.

If he hasn't got a chance, nobody has.

Thanks for the ride, August.

- Mrs. Adams!
- Cosmo!

Uh, Your Excellency.

- Are you alone? - Yes. Tantinnin
was taken out in the first inning.

He was plenty fast, but a little wild.

- I-I beg your pardon.
- It's nothing important.

Well, it was nice seeing you.

- You are not going to walk unescorted?
- I thought it might be safer.

- I'm meeting people. - I was very sorry
you were unable to come with me, Sally.

- Why?
- Well, we have a saying in Lichtenburg.

- "Alone at the fair with a lady fair..."
- I know all about that.

It means I may be the ambassador,
but I'm also a woman.

A woman of very refreshing charm.

From a country
with very refreshing money.

- What made you say that?
- A hundred million reasons.

Quite a fiesta you're tossing here.

Yes. Such a pity. This might be
our last fair for a very long time.

- Unless you can raise more money. - The problem
will be solved if my program works out.

I'll bet. This program of yours,
it's a little like Tantinnin's, isn't it?

Hardly. Tantinnin is
an impatient schoolboy...

interested only in immediate results.

- Our methods could not be more dissimilar.
- I can see that.

I don't know why it is
I always seem to fall for heels.

- This I do not understand.
- I find it pretty puzzling myself.

- Well, let's stick to the subject
of money. Tell me... - Sally...

- I'm going to ask a great favour of you.
- That figures. Let's hear it.

Stop talking about money.

You're a very clever man, Cosmo.

Won't you let me
get you something to eat?

Look. If you weren't
the foreign minister,

I mean, just some guy
that I'd met, I'd say yes.

But as it is,

Yes.

Oh, Your Highness. Eh,

Emil! Heinrich!

Mr. Gibson is with the American Embassy.

A thousand pardons, sir.

That's all right.
I enjoyed the trip.

Well, I-I'm very sorry.

My equerries are overly conscientious.

But they're very considerate.
They didn't break either arm.

Well, uh, good-bye, Mr. Gibson.

- Good-bye?
- We have got to be sensible.

It is not permitted for me to talk
to a young man in public.

I'm willing to make it private.

Yes. But it is not possible.

You see, even if I
do not marry Prince Hugo, I...

- Are you going to?
- Those decisions are not left to me.

I am not a private citizen.

Oh, I know.

You're going to inherit a throne.

Look, Maria, I don't think I've slept
three solid hours since we met.

I, too, have not slept very well.

Oh, I believe you have met Mr. Gibson,
Your Highness.

Oh, yes. You seem to have been
discussing something very fascinating.

No.just insomnia.
We both have it.

I wondered what
you two have in common.

- Good day, Mr. Gibson.
- I-I'm in no hurry, Your Highness.

I'm-I... Oh, yes, yes.
I-I guess I am.

Well, good-bye.

Good-bye.

Mr. American?

I do not think I care for your attitude
toward the Princess Royal.

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.
It's hard to please everybody.

Uh, Gibson, I'm a man
with a rather violent temper.

That's a pity.
Bad temper can get you in trouble.

Perhaps. But more likely,
it can get you in trouble.

I'm gonna give you
some very sound advice.

Leave Lichtenburg.

Hmm. You know, I'm not sure your
advice isn't worse than your temper.

Oh, Hugo.

I think we had better
get back to the box.

Uncle Otto will be wondering.

I've just indicated to Mr. Gibson...

that his attentions to you
are far from discreet.

I think he is right, Mr. Gibson.

In that case, he is.

Nah! Caught you again.

But, young man, that is Slivitzberger.

- If you're not used to that...
- I'm getting used to it. Now...

Also, it is much past midnight,
and we would like to close.

Well, that's very sensible of you.
Very sensible.

Just as soon as I finish... this.

Sure. A man's got to be sensible.

Like falling in love with a princess.

Hmm Love.

♪ Love is beautiful
Love is swell ♪

♪ Love is as sweet as a nut ♪

♪ Love is grander than tongue can tell ♪

♪ Love is remarkable, but ♪

♪ Look at what it did to Anthony ♪

♪ It made a fool out of Anthony ♪

♪ If love could do that to Anthony ♪

♪ What chance have I with love ♪

♪ Look at what it did to Romeo ♪

♪ It dealt poor Romey an awful blow ♪

♪ If love could do that to Romeo ♪

♪ What chance have I with love ♪

♪ Look what it did to Samson ♪

♪ Till he lost his hair
he was brave ♪

♪ If a haircut could weaken Samson ♪

♪ They could murder me with a shave ♪

♪ Look at what it did to Bonaparte ♪

♪ He lost his head when he lost his heart ♪

♪ If he kicked over the apple cart ♪

♪ What chance have I
an ordinary guy ♪

♪ What chance have I with love ♪

♪ Look what it did to Adam ♪

♪ From that bite he couldn't escape ♪

♪ If an apple could finish Adam ♪

♪ They could knock me off with a grape ♪

♪ Well, if love could do that ♪

♪ To old Adam and Tony and Sam ♪

♪ And the boys named above ♪

♪ Then what chance have I
an ordinary guy ♪

♪ What chance have I with love ♪

Please, young man, go home.
I know you are sad, but,

Sad? What's there to be sad about?

- I'm a happy boy.

Hello! Get me the police!

Hurry! Quick! The police!

The police!

Send Mr. Gibson in right away.

Mrs. Adams...

I am in.

I, uh-

- I thought you'd want to see me.
- I do.

I've got a report here intended
for Washington. It's about you.

- Maxwell, huh?
- And it's a lulu. Especially this part.

"After being released by the police
because of diplomatic immunity..."

"Gibson fell asleep in a gutter."

"On being awakened,
he publicly bellowed an announcement..."

"of his engagement
to the Princess Maria."

- Well?
- I-I don't think it was a gutter, Mrs. Adams.

Otherwise, I guess the report
is pretty accurate.

Look. With the possible
exception of myself...

nobody in this office is expected
to act like a knucklehead.

How long do you think you'll last here
if this goes to Washington?

About as long as I deserve.

- Headache?
- A pip.

And the royal family
isn't helping it any.

Look, Mrs. Adams,
I'd just as soon go home.

Well, on your way,
stop by my bathroom.

- You'll find some aspirin there.
- Thanks.

And, uh, Kenneth...

save this for the wastepaper drive.

Never mind.
I'll do it myself.

Thank you, Mrs. Adams.

Madam, the foreign minister's office called
to confirm his engagement Tuesday night...

for, um, your turkey dinner.

Relax. Relax.
It's business.

Oh, naturally.
The diplomatic pouch is ready to go.

Have you signed my report
on young Gibson?

Oh, yes. Your report.
I think it's in here.

Madam, you certainly aren't
gonna treat this lightly.

Gibson's actually been trying
to date the princess.

The Grand Duke is highly exercised.

What about? After all, they let Princess
Margaret go out with Danny Kaye.

Permit me to warn you. If there's any
interference with this royal marriage...

- Sebastian will protest to Washington.
- Sebastian.

Look, fancy-pants,
have you ever been in love?

If you'll read the book
of foreign service regulations...

I don't think you'll find "love" listed
as a justification for disorderly conduct.

I've read the book of regulations...

and it says that I'm supposed
to take a complete inventory...

of everything in the embassy.

I did, and you're shy
four dish towels...

an egg beater and nine bed sheets.

Is madam under the impression
that I am the housekeeper here?

No comment.

- Anything else?
- Yes.

Slither back to your desk and write...

"I won't be a tattletale" 500 times.

Yes? On the phone?

Well, I should say so.
Put her on.

Hello? Hi, honey-
uh, Your Highness.

I've been wanting to talk to you.

Yes.

Certainly, Princess.
I understand.

Yes. Oh, I think that's a fine idea.

I'll be glad to tell him.

Not at all, Princess. Bye.

- Ken.
- Mm-hmm?

- I want you to do something for me.
- Sure.

- You know about this underground
tunnel thing to the palace? - Yeah.

Well, they're sending someone over with
a message. I want you to get it for me.

- A message?
- It's very confidential.

Oh.

- It's dark in here.
- Here, take this.

- Got a match?
- No. Got a lighter.

- I still can't see.
- Then take off your glasses.

- Your Highness.
- Hello.

- B-But Mrs. Adams said-
- I know.

I told her I had to see you.
She was very sweet.

Oh, I'm not complaining.

Kenneth, Prince Hugo
has been making very bad threats...

about what he would do to you
if we met again.

That's very good news. I didn't think
there was a chance we'd meet again...

but you weren't really worried.

Well, not too much. I think mostly
it was an excuse for seeing you.

Darling. Oh.

Oh. Here.

There. Now I can see you better.

Maria, you can't marry that guy.

I am not going to.
There is no money for the dowry...

and I understand there definitely...

- will be no American loan.
- Yeah, but what if there is?

Is it not silly to bother about things
that will not happen?

I would like you to kiss me.

- Look. Maria-
- Ah.

That was a command.

Well, I guess there's nothing else
to do but obey.

Oh, Kenneth. Oh.

I like being in your arms.

I remember at the presentation,

I was so afraid you would not
ask me to dance.

That's something
you'll never have to be afraid of.

♪ Not when there's something
to dance about ♪

♪ Someone to dance it with ♪

♪ Something to dance it to ♪

♪ To a foxtrot or a waltz ♪

♪ Put on your dancing shoes ♪

♪ Dance to the happy news ♪

♪ Let's dance away the blues ♪

♪ To a foxtrot or a waltz ♪

♪You and someone have parted ♪

♪ And your lonely heart yearns ♪

♪ While you're there brokenhearted ♪

♪ Suddenly he returns ♪

♪That's something to dance about ♪

♪ With someone to dance it with ♪

♪ To something to dance it to ♪

♪ To a foxtrot or a waltz ♪

♪ To a Charleston or a waltz ♪

♪ To a tango or a waltz ♪

- Yes?
- Madam, the foreign minister just phoned.

- He's on his way over.
- Fine.

- Tell the butler we'll have cocktails up here.
- Yes, madam.

And, uh, Maxwell...

it might be a good idea
if we're not left alone.

I want you to sort of hang around.

Well, I must say, that's
an astonishingly sound suggestion.

It's very wise to have a witness present
at high-level discussions.

Yeah. And just to be polite,
I'll probably hint that you get out.

But no matter what I say,
just pretend that you don't understand.

I confess I misjudged you, madam.

This is what I'd call real diplomacy.

Oh, and before you come in...

you might give him a couple of minutes
to say hello.

I understand perfectly.

And, uh, Maxwell, how do I look?

I never thought I'd say so, madam, but,

Hello? Oh, yes.
Put it through.

Hello?

Hello, Harry.
How are you?

How's Bess?

Good. And Margaret?

You mean to tell me they've got critics
in Galesburg, Illinois?

Hmm.

Oh, not bad, Harry...

but they're trying to slip
a fast one over on me.

Yeah, the man I told you about-
the foreign minister.

Is he a smooth character.

Don't worry, Harry.
I'm having him over to dinner tonight.

I'm gonna tell him off but good.

I've got a speech all memorized,
and it's a honey.

Bye, Harry. Love to the family,
and thanks for calling.

Bye.

Now, see here, Cosmo.
We're gonna put our cards on the table.

If there's something you're after,
why not come out and say so?

The foreign minister, madam.

Sally, my dear.

Hi, Cosmo.

Now, see here, Cosmo.
We're gonna put our cards on the table.

Must we play cards?

Uh. Other attractive men
have tried to influence me...

and not one has failed-
uh, succeeded.

If I may use one of your expressions,
what the devil are you talking about?

I know what's on your mind.

Why not be straightforward
and direct about it?

Well, of course.

Uh, what I mean is...

if there's something you're after...

why not come out and say so?

Well, you know, that was probably
the first time...

a foreign minister
ever kissed an ambassador.

We've made history.

- Cosmo.
- Yes?

I, uh,

Let's make more history.

Forgive me, Excellency.

Uh, madam, they're typing that report
to Washington. It will be right up.

What report?
Oh. Thank you, Maxwell.

- You needn't wait.
- Oh, I don't mind. Not at all.

- Maxwell.
- Yes, madam?

The situation has changed-
really changed.

Don't you understand? Blow.

Mrs. Adams likes service.

Maxwell, those instructions
I gave you-

They'll be carried out, madam.
You may be sure of that.

Oh, have you heard the very amusing
story they're telling at the hofbrau?

- We heard it.
- Yes, very amusing.

Look, Maxwell, the general and I
are gonna have a cocktail before dinner.

Oh. You must permit me
to mix them for you.

- But I don't want you-
- I insist.

- Now, what'll it be?
- Murder, I think.

That's a drink I'm afraid
I don't know.

A little brandy, a dash of scram...

some "et-gay,” "out-gay,”
'ick-quay" and an egg.

Then you beat it. Beat it!

- There doesn't seem to be an egg.
- Then get one, you lunkhead!

Poor Maxwell.
It's just nerves.

He needs a vacation.

- Uh, Cosmo.
- Yes?

I realize that whatever you're doing
is for your country.

Nobody can be blamed for that.

Well, if through my job I can help you.

Darling, your generosity's charming.
You are charming.

But in diplomacy, an impersonal
attitude is the best thing.

Best thing for who... uh, whom?

For you, me, everyone.

But who cares about everyone?

I'm only interested in you.

♪ Please let me say from the start ♪

♪ I don't pretend to be smart ♪

♪ I just suggest ♪

♪ What I think best ♪

♪ Having your interest at heart ♪

♪ I only want ♪

♪ What's the best thing for you ♪

♪ And the best thing for you ♪

♪ Would be me ♪

♪ I've been convinced ♪

♪ After thinking it through ♪

♪ That the best thing for you ♪

♪ Would be me ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ To myself I say ♪

♪ Point the way ♪

♪ What will it be ♪

♪ I ask myself ♪

♪ What's the best thing for you ♪

♪ And myself and I ♪

♪ Seem to agree ♪

♪ That the best thing for you ♪

♪ Would be ♪

♪ Me ♪

Sally, my dear,
you never fail to amaze me.

You reveal now
a quality I never suspected.

I have a quality?

This touching unselfishness-
thinking only of me.

But we must also think of you.

♪ I ask myself ♪

♪ What's the best thing for you ♪

♪ And myself and I ♪

♪ Seem to agree ♪

♪ That the best thing for you ♪

Yes?

♪ Would be ♪

♪ Me ♪

Ooh. Did you have to wear one
with points on it?

Madam Ambassador, please.

Oh, your call, madam.
It is ready.

Hello. Harry? Sally.

Well, he just left, and...

Oh, yes. Very satisfactory.

Uh, Harry...

do you think we can
spare $100 million?

- From Washington.
- D.C.

Delighted to see you, Senators.
Welcome.

- Well, how are you?
- I'm Pemberton Maxwell...

- senior officer at the embassy.
- Glad to know you, sir.

- Where's Sally?
- You know Mrs. Adams. She's at the caterer's.

Very busy preparing for tonight's party.

- Oh, a party, huh?
- For us?

For anybody. Mrs. Adams' parties
require no explanation.

Uh, great gal, Sally.

- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Yes.

- Come in, gentlemen.
- Thank you, sir.

Gentlemen.

Come. We'll get our hats.

But the party does not start
for five, six hours.

So we come a little early.

- This is Mrs. Adams' office.
- Oh, yeah.

Make yourselves comfortable, gentlemen.
The guest rooms aren't quite ready.

- Not the most efficient staff in the world.
- No hurry.

I understand you gentlemen are here
as an investigating committee.

Yep. That's the general idea.
Thank you.

Well, I'm prepared to talk.

- What about?
- The-The ambassador.

And what passes for her management
of the embassy.

Are you knocking Sally?

I-I'm afraid you misunderstood.

I-I admire her, enormously.
Yes.

Splendid woman. Very able.
But, uh, you are here to investigate?

- Yeah, a loan to Lichtenburg.
- Welcome to Lichtenburg.

Uh, may I present the Prime Minister
of Lichtenburg, Mr. Sebastian...

and the Minister of Finance,
Mr. Tantinnin.

- Senators Gallagher, Brockway and Wilkins.
- Gentlemen.

I'll, uh, see about your rooms.

Excellencies, I know that you Americans
do not like to waste time.

But we will not rush. We will sit down
before we discuss the loan.

But what about-what's his name-Mrs.
Adams' friend? Our plan was to talk to him.

Oh, yes.
Cosmo, the foreign minister.

He's the opposition leader.
He's a very difficult man.

Also, Excellencies,
the negotiating of loans...

that is the business of
the prime minister exclusively.

That's too bad.

Our ambassador thinks
very highly of this Cosmo.

She seems to want us
to deal with him.

- She does?
- Cosmo?

- Will you excuse us, please? We'll be right back.
- Just for one minute.

Make sure there's
plenty of hot dogs...

and ketchup and mustard
and all the condiments on the table.

- Mrs. Adams.
- Oh, Ken, I left the senators at the bar.

- Kind of see that they have fun, will you?
- The loan-it's going through?

Got my fingers crossed.

What do you suppose happened to him?

Cosmo, what are you doing in here?

Fascinating book-your State Department's
foreign service regulations.

Yeah, it's a book I
always curl up with at parties.

I was particularly interested
in this chapter...

on American consuls and ambassadors
who marry citizens of foreign countries.

Got any particular consul
or ambassador in mind?

Darling, there is something
I have wanted to say.

Mr. Sebastian, madam,
and members of the cabinet.

Just don't forget
what you were going to say.

- Come in, boys. Glad you could make it.
- Excellency.

- Excellency.
- Cosmo, the government has fallen.

- No.
- Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Prime Minister.

- Congratulations.
- Very good luck.

Is this true, Sebastian?

The cabinet felt that only you...

could solve the problems
of Lichtenburg.

We are very happy for you.
Very happy.

Excuse me, please.

It's wonderful news, Cosmo.

Thank you, Sally.

Gentlemen, I have only one question.

Will I be given
an absolutely free hand?

Mr. Prime Minister, is a party
the place to discuss politics?

- Where is Tantinnin?
- Probably at the bar.

The cabinet meeting
was very exhausting.

- If you will excuse us.
- It's out in the garden.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Well, this gives me a chance
to carry out my program.

- But I wish I knew what they were up to.
- Don't you worry, Cosmo.

If the deal I've been
working on goes through...

you can even run for grand duke.

Madam Ambassador.

Ah, Mr. Prime Minister.
Congratulations. My heart is so happy.

- Thank you, Tantinnin.
- I would've come in immediately...

but I've been talking
to the American senators.

- They will see you now.
- Now?

- Now.
- What about?

They're waiting in
Her Excellency's office.

They're on your side.
Go in and level with them.

I don't understand
what the big hurry is.

Sooner the better.
I can't wait to get at those hot dogs.

- Sally having hot dogs?
- And beans.

Look, boys.
We've got to watch ourselves.

This Cosmo strikes me
as a very smooth customer.

Oh, come in, Mr. Prime Minister.
Sit down, won't you?

Well, thank you.

Now, uh, we're very fond of Sally...
Uh, Mrs. Adams.

- Everyone is.
- And she likes you.

But you've got to realize
this is government business.

How about $50 million?

- Well, I do not think I understand.
- Pretty cagey.

Could you understand
a loan of 70 million?

No. I made my position clear.
I thought you knew.

Okay. We're here to approve a loan...

but this is final. 100 million.

Gentlemen, I must gratefully,
but emphatically decline.

I-I request no loan.
I accept no loan.

Do you mean to tell us
this country couldn't use $100 million?

Oh, we could use it, but...

Well, gentlemen, I will be
frank to the point of indiscretion.

I appreciate your generosity
in wanting to help Lichtenburg...

but if my country is
on the verge of bankruptcy...

it is because very drastic
reforms are needed.

Now, with outside help,
these reforms would be impossible.

You must not
lend my country one penny.

Well, how's he doing?

Sally, the prime minister
has made a profound impression on us.

- Good.
- Boys.

- What did you tell them, Mr. Prime Minister?
- The truth, Mr. Sebastian.

Swell. It's going to work out fine.

- Don't you think so?
- Right. Yeah. I'll tell 'em.

Gentlemen, we have been
in many European countries.

We have talked to
the heads of many governments.

They have been all too eager
to reach down into Uncle Sam's pockets.

Today, for the first time,
we have met a statesman.

We have finally met a man who has said,
"Don't give us any money."

No, huh?

We have tremendous admiration
for your prime minister...

and we have only one way
of showing our gratitude.

We're going to lend Lichtenburg
$200 million.

Bravo! Bravo!

On behalf of the cabinet,
we happily accept.

And we vote the prime minister
our lasting gratitude...

for his very successful negotiations.

Gentlemen, I cannot say that I have
enjoyed my ten minutes as prime minister.

Of course, I resign,
and I request that parliament...

be called into session
as soon as possible.

Good night.

- But r-r-resign?
- Why? I don't understand.

- My hat, please.
- Cosmo.

- Cosmo, I'm sorry... - I do not
understand how you could do this to me.

Things I have fought for all my life,
you have in one day destroyed.

Cosmo, if you really
didn't want the loan-

Oh, I know you said you didn't.
All right. I didn't believe you. I...

- Thank you.
- I thought it was, well, old-fashioned diplomacy.

Anyway, I wanted to help you.

Helping people in my country
is what got me where I am.

Yes, it got you out of your country,
into my country.

- Good night.
- Cosmo, have a heart.

I love your country.
I love you.

I was trying to help both of you.
What's so wrong with that?

Wrong with it?
Justice, Mrs. Adams.

So long as I have
any voice in the matter...

Lichtenburg is not for sale.

What is it, Kenneth?
Bad news?

Well, I-it doesn't have to be.
I just heard the loan is going through.

- Oh.
- Maria, this isn't the 17th century.

- That marriage contract...
- I gave my word, Kenneth.

- If I I'm to inherit the throne-
- But suppose you don't?

Maria, you're beautiful,
you're charming and I adore you...

but do you honestly think you have
any special talent for ruling a country?

The fact that you do not
consider me bright...

No, I-I didn't say that. I...

I-I'm the one who isn't bright.

To even suggest
that you give up the throne-

A guy earning my salary,
it's crazy.

Your salary. I wish
that were the problem.

I wish it weren't. Back home, my
apartments a lot different from the palace-

Two rooms.
It's not very big.

And the maid
only comes in once a week.

You make it sound very attractive.

Oh, sweetheart.

Of course, the maid could
come in twice a week.

Even once would be an intrusion.

What do you say?

I-I love you.

And good-bye?

Oh-

Come in.

You too, huh?

What?

♪ I hear singing ♪

♪ And there's no one there ♪

♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ And the trees are bare ♪

♪ All day long
I seem to walk on air ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪

♪ It is not so surprising ♪

♪ That you feel very strange but nice ♪

♪ Your heart goes pitter-patter ♪

♪ I know just what's the matter ♪

♪ Because I've been there
once or twice ♪

♪ I keep tossing ♪
- ♪ Put your head on my shoulder♪

♪ In my sleep at night ♪
- ♪ You need someone who's older♪

♪ And what's more ♪
- ♪ A rubdown ♪

♪ I've lost my appetite ♪
- ♪ With a velvet glove ♪

♪ Stars that used to twinkle ♪
- ♪ There's nothing you can take ♪

♪ In the skies ♪
- ♪ To relieve that pleasant ache ♪

♪ Are twinkling in my eyes ♪
- ♪ You're not sick ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪
- ♪ You're just in love ♪

You know what happened, Ken?

She's gonna marry that guy.

Me and my big mouth.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Yes? This is Mrs. Adams.

Hello? Hello, Harry!

Oh, not so good.
How are you?

The family?

Oh, Harry, that's wonderful news.

I'm so glad to hear it.

Margaret got a good notice.

Television, huh?

You must be very proud and happy.

You don't sound too happy.

Sebastian? What's his complaint?

Look, Harry, you don't have
to pull any punches with me.

Shoot.

Well, sure, I often helped them meet.
They're swell kids.

Yes, technically, I guess
I was interfering, but-

I see.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Does that mean
I can't even stay here?

Okay. We'll leave on the first boat.

Bye, Harry.
Love to the family.

Home, huh?

That dirty Sebastian!

♪ Mrs. Sally Adams requests
the pleasure of your company ♪

♪ At a supper and dance
a coming-home party ♪

♪ That she's giving
at her house tonight ♪

♪ Mrs. Sally Adams
the queen of Washington society ♪

♪ Anybody at all who's anybody ♪

♪ Will be gathered at her house tonight ♪

♪ Mrs. Sally Adams is back
among us very suddenly ♪

♪ Loaded down with secrets about
what happened there across the sea ♪

♪ Yes, Ms. Sally Adams ♪

♪ Ms. Sally Adams ♪

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ For Mrs. Sally Adams who wants
the pleasure of your company ♪

♪ You will be proud to accept
and root for ♪

♪ Mrs. Sally Adams
queen of all the madams ♪

♪ Madam Ex-ambassador ♪

Sally! Sally.
I'm so sorry I'm late, honey.

- Welcome home.
- Thanks Jim.

- What's the matter with you?
- Sally thinks she's in the doghouse.

Why? You saved us
$200 million, didn't ya?

You can thank Cosmo for that. He got his
parliament to turn down the money. I didn't.

What's the difference?
He's your friend.

- So you get some of the credit.
- Thanks boys. You can have my share.

- Sally.
- Excuse me.

I don't know why
she feels that way about it.

- Hello, Ken.
- Sally, I just came from the State Department.

Constantine is the new ambassador
from Lichtenburg.

- Cosmo?
- He's just arrived in Washington.

No! This is the best news I've had in...

Why didn't he let me know?

Hmm. I couldn't say.

Well, come on, Ken.
What is it?

Well-

You're gonna find out anyway.

They told me that
he sailed over with a woman.

Oh.

Uh, probably just a shipboard acquaintance,
don't you think?

He's bringing her here tonight.

I can understand him
falling for somebody else...

but why should he bring her here?

Oh, well. Come on. Let's have
a good time. How about a drink?

Sure.

His Excellency,
the minister from Magrador.

- You go ahead. I'll be right out.
- All right.

- My gracious hostess, welcome home.
- Hi.

His Excellency, the ambassador
from Lichtenburg.

Hi.

- Sally.
- How are you, Cosmo?

- I've never been happier.
- So understand. Enjoy your trip?

Enormously. I had
the most charming companion.

- How charming.
- She's getting off her wrap.

She'll be right in.
I suppose I should have waited...

- but I was so eager to see you.
- That was real peachy of you.

The honorable
Miss Hammenschlaffen.

- Hello, Mrs. Adams.
- Princess!

- Oh, am I glad to see you.
- Didn't I tell you I had a charming companion?

Gee, this is certainly a...

He's here.
Outside somewhere.

Oh, Cosmo.

Do you still have to wear that thing?

Yes, while I perform an official
and very pleasant duty.

Ladies and gentlemen...

may I have your attention
for a moment, please?

General! Glad to see you!

Senator. Gentlemen.
Pardon me.

Quiet, everybody, please!

Mrs. Adams, as a token
of Lichtenburg's great esteem...

the Grand Duke has asked me
to confer upon you...

the Order of Philip I.

This order entitles you
to be called a dame.

A dame?
Say, that's quite a promotion.

Hello.

- Your Highness.
- I use our family name now, Kenneth.

It's Hammenschlaffen.

Well-Aren't you getting married?

Next week, I expect.

Oh. Th-Then I suppose
you'll be going right back?

Not if I get married here.

I've renounced the throne, Kenneth.

We have Uncle Otto's blessing.

Darling.

And let me add, sir, that we
are delighted by your appointment...

and extend to you
our heartiest welcome.

Thank you, Senator, and thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

The Grand Duke seemed to think
it was a good thing for Lichtenburg...

and unofficially, I think it is
the best thing for me.

♪ I hear singing ♪

♪ And there's no one there ♪

♪ I smell blossoms ♪

♪ And the trees are bare ♪

♪ All day long I seem to walk on air ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ I wonder why ♪

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪

♪ It is not so surprising ♪

♪ That you feel very strange but nice ♪

♪ Your heart goes pitter-patter ♪

♪ I know just what's the matter ♪

♪ Because I've been there
once or twice ♪

♪ Put your head on my shoulder ♪
- ♪ You keep tossing ♪

♪ You need someone who's older ♪
- ♪ In your sleep at night ♪

♪ A rubdown ♪
- ♪ And what's more ♪

♪ With a velvet glove ♪
- ♪ You've lost your appetite ♪

♪ There is nothing you can take ♪

♪ To relieve that pleasant ache ♪

♪ You're not sick
You're just in love ♪

♪ You're just in love ♪

♪ Now we've got something
to dance about ♪

♪ And someone to dance it with ♪

♪ And something to dance it to ♪

♪ To a foxtrot or a Charleston ♪

♪ Or a tango or a waltz ♪

♪ You're in love
You're in love ♪

♪ You're not sick
You're just ♪

♪ In love ♪