Call Me Claus (2001) - full transcript
When Lucy Cullins, a successful but cranky producer at a home shopping network, hires an actor named Nick to play Santa Claus on the network she gets more than she bargained for. Nick really is Santa Claus, and he faces mandatory retirement after 200 years on the job. Nick must find his replacement by Christmas Eve or the world will face dire consequences and he has his sights set on Lucy.
¶¶ [ Drum Roll ]
¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶
¶¶ [ Swing ]
¶ Gifts I'm preparin'
for some Christmas sharin' ¶
¶ But I pause because ¶
¶ Hanging my stocking
I can hear a knocking ¶
¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶
¶ Sure is dark out
Not the slightest spark out ¶
¶ Pardon my slackened jaw ¶
¶ Who there, who is it
stoppin' for a visit ¶
¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶
¶ Are you bringin'
a present for me ¶
¶ Something pleasantly pleasant
for me ¶
¶ That's what I've been
waitin' for ¶
¶ Would you mind slippin' it
under the door ¶
¶ Four winds a-howlin'
Maybe there'd be growlin' ¶
¶ My legs feel like straw ¶
¶ Oh, my, my, me, my
Kindly, would you reply ¶
¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶
Yeah !
¶ Oh, hanging my stocking
I can hear a knocking ¶
¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶
¶ Yeah, I say now
Hey there, who is it ¶
¶ Stoppin' for a visit ¶
Perfect.
Mama ! Come see !
¶ Is that you, Santa Claus ¶¶
Lucy, where are you ?
Lucy, we gotta get a move on.
Someone you really want to see
is coming to the Five and Dime.
Is it Daddy, Mama ?
Well, almost as good.
Well, then I hope
it's James Brown.
All right. Here we go.
[ Chattering ]
[ Man ]
So that's one
G.I. Joe action set.
We won't forget.
Merry Christmas, young fella.
Right on, Santa !
Right.
Little girl,
welcome to Santa's Village.
Hello. What's your name,
young lady?
[ Chuckles ]
Well, my grams calls me Frankie,
'cause everybody wanted a boy...
and they were really surprised
when I wasn't.
Whenever I'm in really
big trouble with my mama,
it's Lucille Francis Cullins.
Then I know I'm in really
big trouble, because she
never uses my full name.
- You can call me
whatever you like.
- Thank you.
I think I'll just call you Lucy.
[ Chuckles ] What do you want
for Christmas ?
Well, I want
an Easy-Bake Oven
and a Tressie doll.
Her hair pulls out when
you push her stomach.
Oh, yeah.
And something for my brother
Dwayne, and a nice dress
like that one over there,
it'd be fine for Mama,
'cause we can't afford it.
What I really want is
for my daddy to come home.
Oh ! Well,
where is your daddy ?
Vietnam.
How would you like
a nice dolly ?
Lucy, can I let you
into a little secret ?
Even if your daddy can't
be with you in person,
do you know how you can have him
with you all the time ?
No. How ?
As long as he's
right here,
in your thoughts,
in your dreams,
he'll be
with you always.
As long as you have
someone that you love
on the inside,
you get to know how
to live on the outside.
The outside.
Yes, but I'd rather have
my daddy. You can do it,
can't you, Santa ?
Santa can do anything.
[ Mouths Words ]
My friend Bobby over there
double-dog dared me two bars
of Bonamo's Turkish Taffy...
to ask you if I could
put on your hat.
[ Laughs ]
No, no, no.
You can't put on Santa's hat.
Well, we can't have
Lucy backing down from
a double-dog dare, now, can we ?
Heh heh !
Jumping jingle bells !
It's glowing !
My--
Thanks, Santa.
I gotta go.
Oh--
Merry Christmas,
Santa.
This one...
is going in the book.
[ Whispers ]
Merry Christmas, Lucy.
I bet Santa loves his job.
Making kids happy on Christmas
would be the coolest job
in the whole world.
[ Chuckles ]
He let me put on his hat.
Did you see that, Mama ?
Oh !
Did you see how I looked ?
He gets to fly in a sleigh.
He sees Rudolph all the time.
He's just the nicest man
in the whole world.
Wait here, Lucy.
Ma'am, are you
Mrs Dwayne Cullins ?
Yes, I am.
On behalf of a grateful nation,
I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you.
- [ Mrs Cullins ]
Oh, no. Please, no.
- ¶¶ [ Woman, Indistinct ]
- We're certainly sorry.
- Mama, what is it ?
What's wrong ?
It's Daddy.
I'm afraid he really is
coming home for Christmas.
¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶
¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶
¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶
¶ Bless my soul ¶
[ Car Horn Honks ]
[ Man On Radio ]
Hey, Southern California.
What's with this warm weather,
folks ? Eighty-two degrees
on December 1 ?
If we keep this up,
we're on track for the hottest
L.A. Christmas on record.
Uh-uh, uh-uh !
Come on now ! Come on now !
[ Car Backfires, Sputters ]
450,000 miles is no reason
to crap out on me now !
Come on !
[ Honks Horn ]
Hey, fool !
Don't you see what that says ?
What ? Okay, calm down.
Don't get out of your car.
I will hurt you.
How long do you think it took me
to get that sign, fool ?
Oh, Miss Cullins.
The casting director
wanted me to remind you...
that the Kristmas Korner
auditions will be
this morning...
in your office.
Yes, I'm thrilled about it.
I can't wait.
Give me strength.
Shop-A-Lot channel.
Good buys. Hello ?
Hey, Lucy. Big day.
Fun day. You ready to see
the Christmas set ?
Where is my vanilla latte ?
Here I am ! The espresso
machine broke down, Luce.
I had to go down the street
to get this.
You know,
I gotta have my morning latte,
or I get really, really crabby.
Oh. You're welcome.
Isn't it great ?
It redresses for
the other holiday shows.
No fuss, no muss.
Lose the tree !
Drop the menorah !
Easy, easy !
Okay, we're hot !
I hate everything about it.
Other than that, it's perfect.
Watch this.
- Oh !
- We're consistent.
We exploit all religions.
So I'm up at the North Pole,
bumpin' uglies with the missus,
when all of a sudden
she remembers, we forgot
to flock the tree.
So I grab my
trusty can of Frosty Flock
and bada-bing, bada-boom !
I do the deed.
You know what I mean ?
Interesting choice.
I never saw Santa
as Teamster before.
[ Grunting ]
Did I need to see that
this early in the morning ?
Get-- Next. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Next.
- Ho ho ho ! Ha ha ha !
- Next.
Next !
- Merry Christmas.
- Next.
Thank you very much.
Next. Next !
All right. Thank you very much.
Okay, thank you. Next.
Next. Great.
Thanks very much. Next !
Thank you very much. Next !
Next. Next. Next.
Next. Next.
Lucy Cullins !
Just the woman I wanted to see.
How's the best little producer
in the home-shopping biz ?
[ Laughs ] Hi, Cameron.
So have you found
my Santa Claus yet ?
No, but if you need
someone's knees broken,
we've got just the guy--
although I do think
Miss December might
be a callback.
Well, I'm not the least bit
worried, even if we do go
on the air in 24 hours,
and the holidays are
our biggest cash cow.
If anyone can fake a warm, fuzzy
Christmas and make those couch
potatoes cough up their bucks,
it's you, Lucy.
And how.
Now, I know how much
you hate the holidays,
but this is our year
to knock off QVC...
as king of Christmas
home shopping.
If you can help me do that,
the minute we wrap
Christmas Eve,
I will put you on an aeroplane
that will take you as far away
from here as you want to go.
- Bora Bora ?
- Anywhere you want.
Two cabana boys,
lots of lotion.
[ Chuckles ]
If you play your cards right,
maybe I'll go with you.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Low Chuckle ]
Now, you know the only cards
I play are solitaire.
[ Laughing ]
She wants me, Tyler.
Oh, how she wants me.
It's Taylor.
Whatever.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Man ]
Hey, old timer.
I've got a North Polar
sausage here. It's got
your name on it.
You leave me alone !
Now you do the right thing,
Pops. Armageddon is comin'.
The clock is tickin'.
"'Twas the night before
Christmas, and all
through the house...
not a creature was stirring,"
because they were all dead !
All right !
Summon the Inquisition.
But we must be
inconspicuous.
Don't worry.
I'm way ahead of you
on this one.
[ Santa ]
Could've picked a place
with a bit more atmosphere.
You said "blend in," boss.
I think six guys in lederhosen
would've stuck out at Hooter's.
- [ Laughing ]
- Get on with it.
This is an official
elf intervention.
I know, I know.
Here.
[ Clears Throat ]
"We, the board of directors...
"of the Worldwide Christmas
Corporation, hereby charge
one St Nicholas, A.K.A. Nick,
with wilful failure
to abide by the terms
of his employment contract."
Now just you wait a moment !
Just because I have
been methodical,
[ Coughs ] Procrastinating !
careful and orderly
in my last duties,
there is no reason for
maligning my entire term
in office.
You have to face it, Nick.
You have been a slacker.
I have been no such thing !
You know the rules.
Yes, I know the rules.
Every 200 years, a new Santa
has to be recruited and trained.
You're supposed to be ready
to make the switch...
by midnight,
this Christmas Eve, or--
- Or the "or else" factor
kicks in.
- [ Murmurings ]
You do remember that
little item in the fine print
about the end of the world...
because of
the North Pole melting.
- The Waterworld clause.
- Did that slip your mind ?
Oh, it has not
slipped my mind.
It's not just
my love of Christmas.
My dilemma is who.
There is no name on our list
that has those very special
qualities we're looking for.
There is... one other name.
Now, Ralph, you know as well
as I do that there's a reason...
why her name is last
on the list.
And you have four weeks
to make her number one,
or we're going to be
cutting up your workshop
to make little lifeboats.
[ Groaning, Muttering ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Receptionist ] Shop-A-Lot
channel. Good buys. Hello ?
[ Man ] Hey, where have
you been ? You're late
for check-in, you know.
Uh, excuse me--
Hey ! Nice beard.
Looks almost real.
Thank you.
Um, I'm looking for
Miss Lucy Cullins.
Fill this out and go with
the other Santas...
and wait until
you're called.
Shop-A-Lot channel.
Good buys. Hello ?
I saw the best elves
of my generation
destroyed by madness,
dragging themselves through
the angry yuppie streets
at midnight...
looking for a fix
of Christmas glee:
an eggnog spiked
with the screams...
of a million
unhappy children.
Mm-hmm.
It's part of a one-act
play I've written.
I call it Kafka Claus.
- Kafka Claus ?
- Yes.
What kind of lame-ass audition
was that ?
- Yeah, fine. Okay.
- What was that ?
Fine. I know when my gifts
are not appreciated.
Appreciated ?
Get yo' ass outta here !
- What are you tryin' to say ?
- I'm sayin' get out !
I've auditioned
for off-off-Broadway !
- Don't make me
come over there !
- You don't scare me !
- Don't make me-- Just--
- How about a change
of scenery ?
Why are you bringing
these people to me ?
Come on.
- What's the matter
with you ? Crazy.
- Just relax, okay ?
Oh. Here's Her Majesty.
What, what ?
Oh, yes !
Yes, I'd recognize
her anywhere.
Oh, this is cute. The next guy
on the list put down
St Nicholas as his real name.
[ Nick ]
Actually, that's only one
of my many names. [ Chuckles ]
In Mexico,
they call me Papa Noel.
In Holland,
they call me Kris Kringle.
Germany, Weinachtsman.
Even in Siberia
I've got a name.
They call me Father Ice.
[ Chuckling ]
Great.
Another Froot Loop.
But my friends
all call me Nick.
Lucy, it's wonderful
to see you again
after all these years.
[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.
I don't know who you think I am,
but I don't know you at all.
I was hoping
you'd remember me.
Well, I don't.
So if you're here
to audition, I suggest
we get on with it, okay ?
Audition ?
Yeah.
See, you want a job,
you need to make people
buy this crap.
If you can do that and you
don't piss her off, she might
hire you to play Santa Claus...
for the next four weeks
on her television show,
Four weeks ?
so you're auditioning.
Where do I stand ?
Right this way, Mr. Claus.
Right over here.
Hey, Jake. Put this up on
the monitor for us, will ya ?
You got it.
Why don't you just ad-lib
with one of the products
on the set ?
- Ad-lib ?
- Improvise. Make it up as you
go. Lenny, give me something.
Ad-lib, huh ?
Yeah. Here you go. Just
talk right into the camera.
Whenever you're ready,
you go ahead.
[ Bell Rings ]
Whenever you're ready.
Oh ho ! Well, everybody,
welcome to Kristmas Korner.
Christmas spelled with a "K" ?
That's going to take
a bit of getting used to.
I've been spelling it with a "C"
for the past 200 years.
[ Scoffs ]
So let's get down
the business--
Of course, Santa would never
endorse the use of tobacco.
But I guess this little lighter
would come in handy for lighting
the candles on Christmas Eve.
Nick, it's not a lighter.
It's a sock warmer.
A sock warmer ? Ha ha !
Jumping jingle bells.
How about that ? What an
ingenious little gift idea.
I think I'm gonna buy one
for each of my boots.
You have no idea how chilly
it gets on your toes--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Lucy, where did you get him ?
He is terrific.
He is a natural.
The public is going
to eat him up.
Makes me want to buy
one of those sock warmers.
I don't even wear socks.
Book him, Danno.
[ Taylor ] Terrific !
- Thank you.
- All right, Santa.
You're hired.
Way to go, Nick.
Congratulations.
[ Bell Rings ]
I just can't believe
I passed your test, Lucy.
Ah ! Jumping jingle bells.
Okay, let's start
with that.
What ?
The "jumping jingle bell"
thing ? It's really annoying.
Secondly, I don't have a test.
You passed my boss' test.
[ Chuckles ]
I can't wait to get to
know you better, Lucy.
You know what ?
I don't think we are
gonna get to know
each other better.
The last person I want
in my life is Santa Claus.
Excuse me.
[ Chattering ]
[ Lucy ]
Cameron, you know I would never
turn down a free meal,
but this is $50 a plate at a
sushi joint when we could've
had a 50-cent hot dog.
What am I doing here ?
Ah !
You know how I've been
looking for just the right item
to fill our final product slot ?
Yeah.
I've been keeping it
under wraps,
because I didn't want the people
at Home Shopping Network
to steal it out from under us.
[ Whispers ]
But I think it's gonna
be big-- very big.
Lucky number 13.
Say hello to
the little fella...
that's going to help us
kick Home Shopping butt
this Christmas.
We put these on TV,
every kid in America's
gonna want one.
Cameron, I have never
complained, ever,
about the crap
that we sell
on our network.
We all know it's crap.
If people wanna buy crap,
they can buy crap.
But this--
this is the crappiest crap
you have ever come up with.
Okay. Talk to me.
You have
crapped out on this.
Pay the cheque.
Uh, Lucy, the--
Check, please.
Oy !
So all the words I'm supposed
to be saying appear on this
little screen ?
Uh-huh.
Oh ho !
That's absolutely ingenious.
One of these would come in
very handy next time
I have to speak...
at the Elves Hall
of Fame Banquet.
You really like
staying in character,
don't you ?
In character ?
Yeah, just being Santa
all the time.
Ah, not all the time,
sadly. Only 200 years.
Oh, well.
Whatever floats your boat.
Hmm ?
You got my vote.
Excuse me, Nick.
My queen awaits.
Okay.
Hey, Luce.
Hey.
What don't I need to know ?
Let's see--
The vending machines
have Little Debbies,
our interpreter translating
the seven principles
of Kwanzaa from Swahili...
quit for a gig
at the U.N....
That's amusing.
and your brother Dwayne and his
daughter have been waiting
in your office for over an hour.
Mm-hmm.
Morning, Lucy.
Who's this stranger in my
office ? Somebody in security's
gonna lose their job.
- You know who I am, Aunt Lucy.
- Iesha, is that you ?
Ah ! Iesha, give me a hug.
I didn't even recognize you,
girl ! [ Laughs ]
Look, you brought a big,
old ugly man with ya.
What a surprise, baby brother.
Mm-wah !
You know good and well
this is no surprise, Lucy.
You never return
any of our phone calls
at Christmastime.
- Daddy's right.
But guess what.
- What ?
I'm singing a solo at
the church on Christmas Eve.
You've gotta get your butt
over there to support me.
That is such a low blow.
Bringing my own niece here
to work my conscience.
- If you had a conscience--
- I will do my best
to get there, okay ?
But it's quite possible that
I may be going to Bora Bora,
because the company
I'm working for is expanding.
And what I really need
you both to help me with...
is a present for Ma.
Right.
Now who's playin' who ?
I am not playing you !
I do need your help.
Should I give her cold,
hard cash, or should I give her
a Shop-A-Lot gift certificate ?
Lucy, stop it.
I mean, that is pathetic.
Hindus give better
Christmas presents.
Come on, angel.
Say goodbye to Aunt Lucy.
- She's busy.
- Bye, Aunt Lucy.
You don't know anything about
the Hindu people. They don't
even celebrate Christmas.
I know you're gonna be there,
Aunt Lucy.
Hello.
You must be Iesha.
How do you know that ?
Well, I wouldn't be a very good
Santa Claus if I didn't know
your name, would I ?
Bye, Santa.
Bye.
Bye, honey.
Bye, Iesha.
Bye, Santa.
Bye.
Don't you have somewhere else
to be ? Like wardrobe ?
Wardrobe ? Oh, no, no.
I have my own Santa suit,
thank you.
Well, how about hair
and make-up then ?
Get the rosy cheeks
and cherry nose thing going on.
Lucy--
Excuse me.
Attention,
ladies and gentlemen...
and kiddies.
Once we get on the air tomorrow,
this won't be Shop-A-Lot.
This will be
"work till you drop a lot."
That's clever wordplay, people.
Always laugh at the boss'
clever wordplay.
[ Laughing ]
Now that's funny.
Anyway, we're gonna be working
awfully hard together. We won't
have much time to celebrate.
- So tonight is on me.
- [ Cheering ]
Yes, thank you.
Before we pop the cork,
it is my great pleasure
to introduce to you...
the man of our season...
our very own
Shop-A-Lot Santa Claus !
The camera. Smile.
The food's good.
[ Gasps ]
We're next.
Hello.
Santa, this is
my brother Jeff.
Hello, Jeff.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you very much.
Now, what's your favourite thing
about Christmas ?
I like to give
my sister a present.
- That's my sister.
She's my buddy.
- Yeah ?
You're gonna give her
a present ?
So... you want something
rather special this Christmas,
don't you ?
Mm-hmm.
I think I know what it is.
Can I whisper ?
[ Gasps ]
How do you know my secret ?
[ Chuckles ]
'Cause I'm Santa. Remember ?
Yeah ! You really are !
I really am !
Mm-hmm !
I love you, Santa.
I love you, too, Jeff.
Oh, you're a wonderful boy,
eh ?
Over here, Santa.
Look this way.
There you are.
Do you want a present ?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Everybody gets
a present from Santa.
[ Nick ]
Good night, Lucy.
Oh.
It's you.
Listen, thank you
for what you did tonight.
It was very nice,
especially for
that kid Jeff.
Oh, Jeff taught me far,
far more than I taught him.
He reminded me that sometimes
it's the most innocent among us
who enjoy Christmas the best.
Well, you didn't have to do it,
it's not in your contract and
you're not getting extra money.
Well, actually,
I have another contract
which sort of requires it.
That's right,
'cause you are Santa Claus.
Lucy, I think the world
still needs what I stand for.
If people stop believing
in Santa, if all they see is
a funny old man in a red suit,
then maybe they'll stop
believing in things like
kindness, generosity--
You know, you don't have
to do all this right now.
You ain't on television.
Lucy, your daddy
would be so sad
to see you like this.
My daddy ?
You don't know anything
about my daddy.
Don't you remember me ?
Hmm ? All those years ago
at the Five and Dime store
when you were just--
Look, old man,
let me tell you something.
I don't know who you've
been talking to about me,
but you better stop.
My personal life
is none of your business.
Okay ?
Tick-tock, Nick.
Tick-tock.
[ Conversation Indistinct ]
[ Backfiring ]
Here you go.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Hey, Nick.
It's all about red lights.
Hmm ?
When a red light is on,
that's the camera you
want to make love to.
You know, in a "peace on earth,
good will toward men"
sort of way.
I think I understand.
Thank you, thank you.
All right.
Where is my vanilla latte ?
Why is it, after all this time,
I'm still begging for
a vanilla latte ?
Why am I latte-free ?
Sorry, Luce. I had to take
Cameron's dog to the groomer.
What does this have to do
with me having no latte ?
Nothing.
You're welcome.
Okay. Let's sell the hell
out of Christmas, people.
[ Bell Rings ]
In five, four,
three, two, cue jingle.
[ Chorus ]
¶ Fa la la, fa la la
fa la la la ¶
¶ Merry Christmas ¶
¶ And a happy new year ¶¶
Happy holidays, everyone.
I'm your host, you know.
Welcome to a brand new season
of Kristmas Korner.
My elves here at Shop-A-Lot
have been working overtime...
to bring you
the most exciting line-up
of holiday merchandise...
you've ever seen.
Let's have a look at one
of the gifts. Huh ?
A "12 Days of Christmas"
musical necktie.
Isn't that... handsome ?
Huh ?
Don't you agree ?
¶¶
Push a button and out comes
a favourite Christmas tune.
It's $15.95,
plus shipping and handling.
When the song hits
"ten lords a-leaping"--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Oh, he's a good one.
Grandma, that's the Santa I saw
at Aunt Lucy's I told you about.
He looks kinda familiar.
Almost like that one
years ago that-- No.
And what could be
more festive than--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
No more eggnog for me.
So let's see what new item
we have on the agenda.
Oh, my goodness me.
Huh !
- I don't think this was made
in Santa's workshop.
- [ Laughing ]
I can feel my rosy red cheeks
gettin' even rosier.
Santa doesn't normally stock
adult items in his--
Now, mind you--
Is he ad-libbing ?
I remember once in the '80s--
1888, I think it was.
We got this mischievous elf.
He brought in cancan dancers.
Oh-- Is he--
Oh, no, no, no.
No ad-libbing on my show.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Over Headset ] Taylor,
get him back on prompter.
There were dolls in my sack.
[ Whispers ]
Nick ! Nick !
What ? I'm sorry.
The prompter !
Ladies, now you imagine
your husband coming home...
to find you attired
in this little number
made of the very best silk.
In comes in petite size one
to huggable size 22.
Twenty-two ? I guess
I might put one of these
away for Mrs Claus !
- Hmm ? [ Laughing ]
- [ Chuckles ]
[ Lines Ringing ]
[ Overlapping Chatter ]
[ Woman ] Shop-A-Lot channel,
your one-stop, nonstop,
shop-till-you-drop shop.
Excuse me. Please hold.
Shop-A-Lot channel.
Yes, ma'am.
A dozen musical neckties.
Yes, we love our Santa too.
Please hold.
Shop-A-Lot channel.
Si, senor. Feliz Navidad.
¿ Que desea usted ?
Ah, si, muchas gracias.
Please hold.
Shop-A-Lot channel.
The candy-cane negligee ?
No, sir, I'm afraid it does not
come in men's sizes.
Please hold.
- [ Nick ] ...when it's
all over. [ Chuckles ]
- Lucy !
I've been watching from
my office. He is gold !
What's next ?
What's next ?
I think number 13.
Lucky number 13. Ah !
The next item is
an authentic recreation...
of yours truly,
as you can see,
with a price tag of $29.95.
That's very expensive.
There must be something
special about this guy.
With one pull of his arm,
there's a lot more to
this fellow than meets the eye.
- Ho ho ho !
You hit the jackpot !
- Bingo.
Jackpot Claus.
Jackpot !
Jackpot !
- Uh-oh.
- Look, I-I-I can't sell this.
- Lucy ? What's he doing ?
- Yes. He's ad-libbing again.
I can't-- I won't sell it.
No. Look, Taylor,
I can't do this.
All right. This is bad.
This is officially bad.
I did tell you that
that doll was crap.
You--
You're the one that hired
this nut case ! Yes !
I'm the--
- I can't induce children to--
- Fix it ! I'm going
to telemarketing.
You had better hope that
the lines haven't gone cold.
Get rid of him !
Get rid of him !
All right.
Let's go to an infomercial.
[ Audio Indistinct ]
I don't care which one
you put up. Anything.
- Get him off the air.
- Isn't there another product--
[ Man ]
Okay, let's roll VTR-2.
[ Man On Tape ] Howdy. Say
hello to the Fishin' Ambition,
the all-in-one tool that--
- Nick, Nick--
- What is going on down here ?
Have you lost your mind ?
We have TelePrompTers
for him to read.
Why isn't anybody helping him ?
What the hell are you doing ?
Sorry, Lucy.
It's just that that
mechanical doll--
Do you realize...
it's not your job to decide
what we do and do not sell
on this show ?
No ! But I can't
in all conscience ask--
You know what ?
Let me fix this for you,
okay ? You're fired.
What ?
You're fired.
Okay ? Taylor,
get him off my set.
Lucy.
[ Bell Rings ]
Where is he ?
Where's Nick ?
I want to kiss him
on his rosy, red cheek.
The phones are going nuts.
America loves our Santa Claus...
and so do I.
That old man did a
quarter-million dollars in his
first 20 minutes on the air.
I'll be right back.
Where's she going ?
Probably to
look for Nick.
Santa Claus has
left the building.
[ Bell Ringing ]
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Excuse me. You haven't seen
and old guy lookin' like Santa
go past you, have ya ?
What am I ?
Chopped liver ?
No, but I'm asking you--
There's one that
went just past me.
Hey, Nick ! Nick !
Hey, Nick ! Nick !
Nick !
Oh, not Nick. Sorry.
Nothing. Nothing.
Here's his audition sheet,
but I don't think it's
gonna do much good.
Why not ?
He put down his address
as the North Pole.
Oh, great. He's delusional.
Check all the bars, check all
the mental hospitals. Go.
Wait a minute. Why me ?
Why you ?
It's your fault I fired him.
How is it my fault ?
It's your fault because
this is television,
and that's the way
we do things.
Oh, makes sense. Sure.
¶ Happy little Christmas
and a very good new year
Uh-huh ¶¶
[ Man ]
Where's the beer, sweetheart ?
Keep your pants on, Paulie.
Hey, doll face, come on.
Why don't you come up
to the North Pole
and see my place ?
Or better still,
come up to my place
and check out the North Pole.
That's quite enough of that,
you lecherous boor !
Oh !
If it isn't the old geezer
who stole my job at
the Shop-A-Lot channel.
If you're gonna
wear that hat,
you're gonna have to
stop behaving like some
hormone-crazed schoolboy.
What are you gonna do about it,
Pop ? Pop out your choppers
and gum me to death ?
No, I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
Prepare to defend yourself.
Why don't you have a drink ?
This one is on me.
Excuse His Majesty.
His crown is in a knot.
If he don't watch out,
he's gonna wind up with
his nose in a knot.
Please, let's go.
What were you thinking of ?
Trying to save
your Christmas cookies.
I'd have had that barfly
without breaking a sweat.
That's what I'm worried about.
Sit down. I need to
show you something.
Now.
The Gunnbjorn glacier
in Greenland.
Soon to be
the Gunnbjorn ice cube.
The "or else" factor.
It's begun.
We're running out of time.
[ Bell Ringing ]
Merry Christmas !
Ah, maybe people don't
need Christmas any more.
Merry Christmas, young man.
Yeah, whatever.
You see what I mean ?
Look what I've been
driven to--
selling the night of Christmas
as though it were some
cheap souvenir.
I can't even do that any more.
She's fired me.
With all due respect,
I'm not gonna stand here and
watch you throw everything away
and give yourself a pity party,
especially when I don't
know how to dog paddle !
Well, you're so smart.
You tell me how to do it.
I think we're looking at a
repressed memory with a touch of
the untransacted inner child,
along with some transference
of holiday and familial issues.
No wonder I'm
losing weight.
You know what
you need, boss ?
What ?
You need a nice
Christmas booster shot.
It'd better be good.
[ Children ]
¶ Go tell it on the mountain ¶
¶ Over the hills
and everywhere ¶
¶ Uh-huh
Yeah, yeah ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶
¶ On the mountain
that Jesus Christ was ¶
¶ Born ¶
¶ I said
Down in a lonely manger ¶
¶ The humble Christ
was born ¶
¶ God sent us
his salvation ¶
¶ That blessed
their Christmas morn ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶
¶ Yeah, yeah ¶
¶ On the mountain ¶
¶ On the mountain ¶
¶ Over the hills and ¶
¶ Everywhere ¶
¶ Everywhere ¶
¶¶ [ Continues ]
I can't give up now.
This is what Christmas
is all about, isn't it ?
¶ Born ¶
¶ Born ¶
- ¶ Go tell it, go tell it ¶
- ¶ Yeah ¶
¶ Yeah ¶
I've got to get Lucy
to see that.
¶ Mountain ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶
¶ Tell it on the mountain
Yeah ¶¶
Yeah !
All right ! Yes !
[ Woman ] Hallelujah !
You know how much trouble
you are gonna be in, Taylor,
[ Buzzing ]
if you don't find
that old man ?
Hold on.
Somebody's at the door.
Well ?
Well, what ? I'm talking to
Taylor. We haven't found him.
Listen-- No, Cameron just
arrived, which means that life
is gonna get hard for you.
You tell Taylor
if he doesn't track
Nick down, he's fired.
Tell him his whole
family is fired too.
Hold on.
His family doesn't work for you.
Then I'll hire them,
then I'll fire them.
Give me that.
Taylor. All right.
here's the deal.
If you find Nick,
I will give you
your own office--
even bigger than Lucy's.
[ Buzzing ]
Yes ! Well, just keep looking.
We go on the air in 12 hours.
Yes, I have to find
that old son of a--
Nick !
Hello, Mr. Dixon.
Ha !
Taylor, about that office ?
Never mind.
Nick, we are so happy
to see you.
Thank you.
I want to apologize
for that little...
misunderstanding we had.
Oh, you mean me
being fired.
Fired ? Tha-- Fired ?
Ha ha ! Is that what you
thought Lucy said ? Fired ?
No, no, no.
What she meant was "fired up."
Fired up, Nick.
Yes, we're fired up
by your performance.
America wants you back,
Nick, and so do we.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to double your salary.
What ?
Oh, no, no, no.
All right, triple.
Oh !
Oh !
And I'm going to
put you up in L.A.'s
finest accommodations.
Ho ho ! Where ?
Here.
- Here ?
- Here.
- Here.
That way Lucy can show you
all the hospitality...
that a real Santa Claus
like you deserves.
- I'm-- I--
- Plus... you don't
get lost again.
[ Nick ]
Oh, well, I think that's just
a great idea. I'd love it,
if it's okay with Lucy.
[ Mock Chuckle ]
Hey, sure.
Ahh ! My Santa. My Lucy.
[ Chuckling ]
The only thing that would
make this moment any sweeter...
would be the actual smell
of money.
Ohh !
I'll leave you two.
- Ah !
- [ Door Closes ]
Don't think you're gonna
get into my bed tonight.
Oh, Lucy, please.
Don't "Lucy, please" me. I know
you have some sort of voodoo
that makes people buy stuff.
Now, Lucy.
What ?
We have far more important
things to discuss.
Like ?
I haven't been
totally honest with you.
What do you mean ?
I have been watching you for
many years now-- ever since you
were a little girl, in fact.
What ? Ooh !
Hm.
Ooh ! That is--
No, that's-- Ooh !
Lucy. Lucy.
My name really is St Nicholas.
I really am Santa Claus.
That makes me feel better
to know your name is Santa Claus
and you're a stalker !
What are you doing ?
Wait.
Lucy...
look.
Whoa ! Whoa ! Oh ho !
That is so cool !
Do you know how much money we
could make with those ? What ?
Lucy !
I didn't want
to have to do this,
but you have obliged me to.
- Close your eyes.
- No.
- Close your eyes.
- I have mace in my pocket.
Close... your... eyes !
And that one.
And the other one !
Both !
It's dark in here.
If I had a pair of ruby slippers
I could click myself
some place really cool.
Open your eyes, Lucy.
[ Elves Muttering ]
[ Giggling ]
- [ Startled Gasp ]
- Hello, Lucy.
I'm Ralph,
chief assistant
to Santa Claus.
- Welcome to the North Pole.
- [ All ] Hi !
Ooh !
[ Chuckles ]
I had the strangest dream.
I dreamt I woke up
and I was surrounded
by Munchkins, and--
Oh ! Oh ! Oh !
This is not funny
any more.
This is not real,
this is not real,
this is not real--
Open !
Okay, it is real.
It's getting realer
'cause my feet are cold--
I'm gonna get frostbite--
Why ?
Oh, maybe it's because
we're on a glacier !
It's not a glacier, Lucy.
It's the polar ice cap.
Duh !
Why didn't I know that ?
[ Inhales ]
Perhaps you can tell me
why I'm not at my house ?
- Why I'm surrounded by goblins.
- [ Gasping ]
Goblins ?
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
- We're elves.
- All right ! Cool !
I mean--
What's the difference ?
Goblins are bad seeds.
They're what happened
when gnomes and leprechauns
get drunk...
on a beach,
at night.
When leprechauns
and gnomes get drunk
on the beach at night ?
- Yes, that's right.
- Oh, I see. You're such
a fount of information.
You don't, sort of, fit
the elf mode, if you will.
- What's your problem ?
- Pituitary case.
[ Whispering ]
Oh ! Pituitary case.
Lucy, it's what I've been
trying to tell you.
You know, I can understand
it's all overwhelming,
but it's all true !
Everything that you've ever
heard about Santa is true.
- Okay, where is Rudolph ?
- Take another look
out the window.
[ All Chuckling ]
So the Rudolph thing
is together. I got tha--
Oh !
- [ Chuckles ] Mrs Claus ?
- Yes, I want you to meet
Helga, Lucy.
She'd love to say hello,
but she only speaks Norwegian.
Me too !
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
Boss, we are on a schedule,
so can we push this...
along ?
Lucy, would you like
to see my workshop ?
[ Elf ] Yes !
I don't suppose you'd take
"no" for an answer, would ya ?
Wow !
Oh ! When you said workshop,
I thought it was gonna be
some little guy...
you know,
with lots of tools !
You know, it's gonna be
kinda hard to say
goodbye to all this.
What do you mean,
"goodbye" ?
Yeah, I'll come
to that later.
[ Laughs ]
Right now I want to
show you something.
Come with me.
Evening, Santa.
Merry Christmas !
Wow !
Yeah.
Is this it ?
This is it.
This is the sleigh ?
This is the sleigh.
Yeah.
Ooh ! Can I touch it ?
You want to
climb on board ?
May I ?
Here we are.
[ Chuckles ]
Wow !
[ Laughs ]
Ho, ho, ho !
[ Laughing ]
Look at me "ho"-ing.
[ Laughs ]
Wow !
Oh, my God !
Look at the sound system.
Oh, this is really phat.
This has an
impulse-activated amplifier.
It puts out about
a thousand kilowatts
per channel.
There are seven speakers,
and a really bitchin'
powered subwoofer.
In case you want to listen
to Christmas carols.
Oh ! [ Laughs ]
Well, that's--
That's phat !
Wow ! Oh, wait ! I gotta
ask this question, because...
you know, I'm here.
How do you guys deliver
a gazillion Christmas presents
all in one night ?
Lucy, do you know anything
about quantum mechanics...
or the theory of relativity,
or the space/time continuum ?
- N-No.
- Well, we go fast !
We go really fast !
[ Laughing ]
Now, I have
one more question.
Let's say I believe
that you are Santa Claus.
What does this
have to do with me ?
Ah, Ralph, would you
and the boys excuse us
for a moment, please ?
Yeah. Sure, boss.
Okay, people,
eggnog break !
[ Elves ] All right !
[ Nick ] And hit the house
lights when you go out.
Thank you.
[ Light Switch Banging,
Transformer Humming ]
Lucy, as you know,
I have been Santa for...
very nearly 200 years.
But that's only
the half of it.
The Santa before me
also served for 200 years.
As did the Santa before him,
and so on...
right back to the original
St Nicholas in the 3rd century.
Right.
Now, sadly,
my term of office
is drawing to a close.
And the rules of Christmas
decree...
that I have to find somebody
to take my place...
before midnight
on Christmas Eve.
And if I don't,
the "or else" factor
takes effect.
The "or else" factor ?
Well, you've heard about
the great flood,
and Noah's ark ?
Yeah.
This time,
there's no ark.
Oh, get outta here !
I know you are not
trying to convince me...
that that flood happened
because you couldn't
find a Santa Claus !
Not that I'm puttin' it
down or anything, but-but...
but you don't have to worry
about it, because you're
looking for a new Santa, right ?
Right.
And you've come to me...
because you want me to help
you find one, because I know
so many people !
So what do you
want me to do ?
Close your eyes
and I'll show you.
[ Sighs ]
This eye-closing thing's
getting a little old, Nick.
[ Children Chattering ]
Open your eyes, Lucy.
Look closely.
What do you see ?
Is that my mother ?
My goodness !
And that's me !
Look at me !
I was cute !
[ Laughing ]
Look at my brother.
I used to call him
"Ol' Bighead."
[ Chuckles ]
My goodness !
It's the Five and Dime !
There's that nasty kid
Bobby with his finger
in his nose, as always.
What are we doing here ?
This is what
I wanted to show you.
What I need you
to remember.
...backing down from
a double-dog dare,
can we ?
There we are !
[ Chuckling ]
[ Nick ]
That hat only glows...
when it's worn by somebody
who believes in Christmas...
with every fibre
of their being.
It's you, Lucy.
Take it, Lucy.
You're the one
I've been waiting for.
[ Scoffs ]
No !
Lucy, I know you blame me,
but please, I promise you,
everything will become clear
if you just put this on.
No. No !
Just give it a chance !
I don't want it !
I don't--
No ! What do you
get about "no" ?
But--
I don't want the hat !
I don't want
the responsibil--
You know what I want ?
I want you to take me home.
I want you to take me
to my life; to my
real life, right now.
That's what I want.
[ Young Lucy Chattering ]
If that's really what you want.
[ Annoyed Sighing ]
Close your eyes,
and everything
that you've seen--
all this--
will have just
been a dream.
Whoa.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh !
[ Scoffs ]
I must have dozed off
or something.
Had the weirdest dream.
I dreamt that you were
trying to convince me...
you were the real
Santa Claus.
Do you think we ought
to talk about it, Lucy ?
No ! Nah !
Now, come on, please. Just--
No, no, I've had
enough Santa Claus...
to last me a lifetime;
I'm going to bed.
Good night !
Listen, if you get chilly,
there's, uh,
you know, pillows
and blankets and stuff.
They're under the stairs
here in the closet.
Hey, boss. Pardon my
goblin, but why didn't you
just put the hat on her ?
I can't force her
to accept her destiny.
If she won't acknowledge
who she is, it wouldn't
matter anyway.
The Inquisition was right
to challenge my affections,
I-I--
I bungled the whole thing
from beginning to end.
I waited far too long
to try to reach her,
and now that I have,
I've driven her
further away.
So, what are you
gonna do now ?
Well, I... just...
don't know.
[ Man On Radio ]
Better break out
the sun block today, L.A.
We're expecting a high of 92.
And if you think it's bad here,
scientists are now predicting
no snowfall anywhere in the U.S.
during the month of December.
[ 2nd Man On Radio ]
Imagine that !
Whoa ! You look like sh--
...Sheena, lovely Queen
of the Nile !
[ Scoffs ] Got no sleep
last night, and I hate
having house guests.
Well, your house guest is
quite the toast of the town.
All the papers were talking
about him this morning.
One even called him
"TV's must-see Santa."
Where's that girl with
my latte ? Why is she never
around when I need her ?
- Her name is Lillie !
- Fine.
And my car broke down !
God.
I don't get why
you're still driving
that bucket of bolts, Lucy.
Because it was
her Daddy's car.
Oh ! Family reunion !
I'll just, uh, leave
you two alone.
Taylor ?
Taylor, I--
Talk to you later.
You, okay.
Hi, Ma.
You're not
returnin' my calls.
No, I am.
It's not that I'm not
returning your calls, see ?
We put in this new
phone system--
Come on now.
- Don't try to run
a game on me.
- [ Chuckles Uncomfortably ]
Now, I know it's a scary
time of the year for you,
but you can't keep
livin' like this, Lucy.
What ?
Well, look
at your life.
You live alone
in that apartment,
You come, you go,
without anybody to love
or to love you back.
I know, baby.
I've got the same
scar as you.
And there's not
a Christmas that goes by
that it doesn't hurt.
But you know what helps ?
What ?
Seein' you.
I see your daddy
in you.
You know, I just really
can't do this right now,
because I gotta
get down to work.
All right, baby.
But I'll call you, okay ?
I'll-- I'll, uh--
All right.
You know, in a day or so,
I'll give you a call.
All right.
I'll be waiting.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Bell Ringing ]
Folks, one of
my favourite traditions...
is counting down
the days to Christmas.
And now, your family, too,
can enjoy this tradition
as well,
with your very own
Wise Men Advent Calendar.
Every day, your kids
will enjoy moving Baby Jesus--
that's Him--
one day closer to
His arrival in Bethlehem.
And, Mom, no need to worry
about your little ones...
breaking this
Holiday Collectible.
Baby Jesus is made out of
rugged, durable polystyrene.
Great.
Plastic Jesus.
[ Control Room Crew Chattering ]
- That's not too sacrilegious.
- Ah, we seem to be in the
final minutes of our show !
- So, that seems to be
the last product for today--
- Telephone !
- Hmm ?
- [ Whispering Intently ]
Telephone !
Oh ! One moment !
- They want me to take a phone
call from one of our viewers.
- No ! He's going to the phone.
Excuse me, please.
We're on the show,
you know.
[ Over Speakers ]
Uh, hello ?
[ Young Girl ] Hi, Santa.
This is Meredith,
from Dove Canyon, California.
Hello, Meredith. You want
to ask Santa a question ?
Not that phone, Nick.
Uh, it's coming
through the speakers.
Okay ?
Look, everybody's
a star now.
[ Meredith Over Speakers ]
I was adopted from Korea
when I was a baby.
I was wondering
if the Santa Claus there
is Korean.
- Oh, Meredith.
That is a wonderful question.
- Taylor ?
[ Under His Breath ]
No ! No ! Camera !
It reminds me of a poem I--
My good friend B.J. Wrights
once wrote about Santa.
It goes something like this:
"Dear girls, dear boys.
"Once a storyteller caught me
bringing you toys.
"The year he spied me
opening my sack,
My skin was white
and my boots were black."
You probably know
how this story goes.
"At the end of the year,
like a Christmas ghost,
"I take the shape
that's needed most.
"Sometimes my skin's red,
or yellow or brown,
"Sometimes my eyes are slanted,
or crossed, or round.
"One time, I was even a she.
"All these things
are a part of me.
"Now you may not believe
all this is true,
but that's okay, because
I believe in you."
And I believe in you, too, Lucy.
You have a wonderful spirit,
which I hope, one day,
you will show to the world.
Did he say something about--
Did he just say my name ?
He just said Lucy !
Um, no, I think it was,
uh, "little girl."
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
He said Lucy.
- Play that back for me.
- [ Chirping In Fast Rewind ]
I believe in you, too, Meredith.
You have a wonderful spirit,
which one day,
I hope you'll show...
- to the rest of the world.
- [ Tape Machine Stops ]
Okay.
Let's just, uh...
call it the onset
of P.M.S., shall we ?
- Every day ?
- [ Bell Ringing ]
And we're clear.
Okay, it's a wrap, everybody.
Ready for the next segment.
That's the Chanukah music.
Let's go.
Good show.
Oy.
That was beautiful,
Mr. Santa Claus.
It was gold.
Thank you, rabbi.
I think Hurray for Chanukah
is going to have a tough act
to follow today.
Well, the way I see it,
we're both working
for the same boss.
So, mazel tov.
And ho, ho, ho to you, sir.
Uh, Lucy--
I'm not speaking to you.
No habla Ingles.
¶ Have yourself ¶
¶ A merry little Christmas ¶
Merry Christmas !
¶ Let your heart ¶
¶ Be light ¶
¶ From now on ¶
¶ Our troubles will be ¶
¶ Out of sight ¶
¶ Have yourself ¶
¶ A merry little Christmas ¶
Seven more days to shop.
¶ Make the yuletide gay ¶
¶ From now on ¶
¶ Our troubles will be ¶
¶ Far away ¶
¶ Once again ¶
¶ As in olden days ¶
¶ Happy golden days ¶
¶ Of yore ¶
¶ Faithful friends
Who are dear to us ¶
¶ Gather near to us ¶
¶ Once more ¶
¶ Through the years
We all will be together ¶
Got it. Perfect.
Put it there.
¶ If the fates allow ¶
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
¶ Paint a shining star ¶
¶ Upon the highest bough ¶
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
¶ And have yourself ¶
¶ A merry little Christmas ¶
¶ Now ¶
Hi, Luce.
Here's your latte.
Thanks.
You just said thanks.
Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't.
No. I didn't.
Yeah. You did.
Is everybody hearing things ?
I did not say thank you.
[ Chorus ]
¶ Hang a shining star
upon the highest ¶
¶ Bough ¶
¶ Oo-ooh, ooh ¶
[ Man ]
¶ Once again ¶
¶ As in olden days ¶
¶ Happy golden days ¶
¶ Of yore ¶
¶ Faithful friends
Who are dear to us ¶
¶ Gather near to us
Once more ¶
[ Man On TV ] Well, folks,
things continue to be very warm
here in Southern California,
but the weather is also
going crazy from pole to pole.
Here we see increasing storms
centred around the equator,
and no explanation
has been given by
the National Weather Center.
Ralph !
We have a problem.
What are those ?
Flood insurance.
I wish I hadn't
seen Titanic.
¶ Highest bough ¶
¶ And have yourself ¶
¶ A merry little ¶
¶ Christmas ¶
¶ Now ¶¶
So, here's a novel idea
for all you naughty shoppers...
who waited until
the last minute:
Now, you can send
a Shop-A-Lot virtual gift.
[ Sighs ]
A "virtual" gift.
Imagine that.
Your loved one will get
a little animated E-mail.
And when they click on it,
it will show them...
a picture of the gift
they will be receiving
after the holidays.
Well, that's it.
That's the final pitch.
[ Nick ]
Oh, and don't forget.
When next you call in,
ask about our special
Shop-A-Lot inflatable raft.
[ Nick Laughs ]
Who put the raft
on the list ?
He liked it.
He saw it in the catalogue.
I threw him a bone.
Before I sign off,
uh,
I'd like to--
just like to say
a few words.
If I may.
Um,
whatever hardships
may come your way...
in the years
which lie ahead,
don't ever lose hope.
If you just keep
the spirit of Christmas...
alive in your hearts,
you can survive anything.
Merry Chris--
Christmas.
God bless you.
Goodbye.
And good luck.
Why did he say
good luck ?
All right, everyone.
That's a wrap !
One hell of a wrap,
if you ask me.
[ Crew Cheering, Applauding ]
All right, people.
Gather round.
I have an announcement
to make.
Thanks to the very
best Santa Claus
in the business,
for the first time
in our history,
Shop-A-Lot has sold
more holiday merchandise...
than any other
home-shopping channel !
And as I'm sure
you all know, that means
a little something extra...
in all of our
Christmas stockings
this year !
[ Lillie ]
It's weird, but I'm
gonna miss all this.
Yeah. I don't know when
I've enjoyed sticking America
with more cheesy merchandise...
than I have this sea--
year.
Wow.
Who are you ?
Look, I know I'm just
a gofer, but--
[ Scoffs ]
If you're not doing
anything, maybe you can
help me trim my tree.
That sounds nice.
And possibly kind of nutty.
Ah.
Champagne, Lillie ?
Absolutely.
[ Giggles ]
So, Nick. What do you say,
you and I get together
after the holidays...
to discuss your future--
I see big things for you
and the Shop-A-Lot Channel.
Well, I appreciate that,
Mr. Dixon, but...
I am afraid that
my days as Santa Claus
are behind me.
Nonsense. You've got
what it takes, my friend.
For millions of people,
you are Santa.
Manny, congratulations !
Looks like you'll
get to keep that job
after all !
Lucy, I'm--
Nick, I-I'm--
[ Scoffs ]
Ladies first.
I know I gave
you a hard time
in the beginning.
'Cause I didn't believe
you were right for
Kristmas Korner.
But I was wrong.
I believe in you now.
I wish I could be sure
that was true.
What do you mean ?
I really hope you find
what you're looking for.
[ Cork Popping ]
[ Crew Cheering ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Engine Stopping ]
[ Sputtering, Backfiring ]
[ Clattering ]
What is this new sound
you're making ?
[ Clicking Tongue, Sighing ]
I work my butt off
for you, and this is
how you repay me ?
Lucy ! Looks like
you're not going anywhere
in that classic tonight.
How about a lift ?
Sure.
I'll just leave it here till
I come back from Bora Bora.
[ Dixon Laughing ]
Well, Luce,
you did it !
Oh ! That reminds me.
You leave tomorrow.
[ Sighs ]
Plus, there is something
a little extra
in that envelope.
Oh, tell me it's cash,
so I have something to give
those cute little cabana boys.
Oh, it's better
than cash, Lucy.
It's me.
- [ Gasps ]
- Don't you see ?
We need each other.
[ Laughs ]
As individuals,
we're merely good.
But together,
[ Inhales Deeply ]
we could be magic !
I don't want to hurt
your feelings, or anything.
But,
[ Laughs ]
I don't love you.
I mean, I don't
love you at all.
Love !
There's better things
in the world than love !
Like what ?
Power !
Influence.
Having more money
than God !
- You shoulda called Oprah.
- I know you. You want
the same things that I want.
We want to win.
We want to dominate.
We want to be a juggernaut.
I don't have any juggernaut
in me. I don't even have
the juggernaut gene.
I've got it all
mapped out, Lucy. First:
I go to
the board of directors...
and get them to make you
my vice-president.
Then, we take
the Shop-A-Lot Channel
public,
and turn it
into a media empire.
By next year,
we'll rule the world.
By next year,
we'll own Christmas !
- [ Laughing Demonically ]
- Pull over.
What ? Is something wrong ?
Yes. Uh, yeah.
I-- I don't know
why I'm saying this.
'Cause, you know,
this is not my thing,
but...
uh... nobody--
nowhere, nohow, nobody--
Nobody can own Christmas.
[ Laughing ]
Why not ?
Why not ?
Because, I--
I-I can't let them.
You can't let them?
Yeah. I know that
sounds strange...
comin' from me,
but I can't let them.
And if you want to keep
your juggernauts,
I'd suggest
you pull over now.
All right.
All right, all right.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
Well, that went
pretty well.
Hi, Ms Cullins, I--
Listen up, people.
Unless someone has a miracle
up their sleeve,
it looks like tonight
is gonna be our last hurrah.
So, here's the deal.
We'll do it the way
we always have.
Nick will be here
shortly, and we'll
start delivering gifts.
The only difference
will be, after Nick
delivers the last gift,
he will no longer
be Santa Claus.
[ Sorrowful Gasping ]
Can someone
get Helga a hanky ?
Look, whatever fate
awaits us...
Here ya go.
after tonight...
let's do it the elf way:
with chins held high.
Of course we're gonna
hold our chins up.
We'll be treading water.
Nick ?
You here ?
Nick !
Okay, you're not here.
What's this ?
[ Nick's Voice ]
"Lucy, if you're reading this...
"on Christmas Eve,
it may not be too late.
"Please, try on the hat.
"If you do, everything
will become clear.
"I'll be waiting
at the top of the world
for you.
Just in case.
Nick."
[ Scoffs ]
[ Ralph ]
Jumping jingle bells,
it's glowing !
Oh, my !
Jumpin' jingle bells,
it's glowing ?
I'm Santa !
I'm--
I am Santa.
I am Santa.
[ Elves Chattering ]
Jumpin' jingle bells !
It's snowing !
[ Excited Chattering ]
Okay, people.
We've been through it.
Put the heavy stuff
on the bottom; you have to put
the breakable stuff on top.
Okay ? No.
Sorry, boss.
Ralph ! I thought
you should see this.
¶¶ [ Indistinct ]
¶ I'm Santa Claus ¶
Hey, Ms Cullins.
You oughta bundle up.
It got cold all of a sudden.
Hey, maybe this heat wave
is finally over.
Yeah, maybe.
Are you feeling better ?
Yeah, kinda. I should
feel like I'm sittin'
on top of the world.
Except I'm not sure where it is.
The only "Top of the World"
I know is this hang-out...
where I have a beer
once in a while.
It's a bar ?
Yeah, on Sunset.
[ Laughs ]
It's in Hollywood.
Why am I not surprised ?
Do me a favour.
Call me a cab.
A cab ?
[ Chuckles ]
On Christmas Eve ?
In L.A. ? Are you nuts ?
[ Tyres Screeching ]
Hey, Ms Cullins !
All of a sudden
you look like Santa Claus.
[ Laughs ]
Already ?
Works fast.
It all works fast.
- [ Cabbie ] Where to, lady ?
- Listen, I gotta get to
a little dive on Sunset...
or all hell is gonna
break loose.
You're telling me.
Robespierre !
The name is Ralph, and we're
not too "tall" for time.
Well, okay, if you're gonna
pun me, let me pun you back.
You "sleigh" me.
- Ha, ha-- Whoo !
- ¶ Just dig those
sleigh bells jinglin' ¶
¶ Ring-ting-tinglin' too ¶
¶ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together
with you ¶
You want a refill, Nick ?
No, Sally. I think
five hot apple ciders...
is plenty
for one evening.
Yeah.
- You owe me an explanation.
- Lucy !
Yes.
You got my note.
I got your note.
I put on the hat.
It glowed !
It glowed on my head !
Yes !
Does this mean what I think
it means ? Does this mean
I'm the real Santa Claus ?
Is this legit ?
The whole shebang.
Oh, my goodness !
What about-- What about
the, uh, "or else" factor ?
Is that real ?
It's real.
Oh, Nick.
What am I gonna do ?
I don't want to be
responsible for some little
kid's heart breakin'...
because I did
the wrong thing, like you--
Yeah, I know.
I hurt you.
I'm sorry you've had
so much pain over
so many years.
[ Groans ]
But, Lucy,
Santa Claus is not God.
Do you remember,
all those years ago,
when that
beautiful little girl
sat on my knee ?
Hmm ? Do you remember ?
Yeah. Yeah.
What I told her then
is still true today.
If you keep the love
your daddy gave to you...
in your heart,
and pass on that love
to other people,
your daddy's love
will remain alive
forever.
I hate to break up
this love fest, but we have
three billion gifts...
to deliver by sunrise,
so speed this up.
[ Scoffs ]
Merry Christmas, Lucy.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
¶ Sleigh bells ring
Are ya listenin' ¶
It's gettin' a little
chilly out here.
Ah, yes it is.
The "or else" factor
is reversing itself.
Do you guys want to speed up ?
I have the meter running, Lucy.
I mean,
"Santa."
[ Laughing ]
See, that's very funny.
Listen, uh, that's not
the toboggan you showed me
up at the North Pole.
How am I supposed
to deliver a gazillion gifts
in a taxicab ?
What cab you talking about ?
- Oh, you're good. You're good.
- [ Laughing ]
Hey, boss. I don't want
to be a nudnik, but...
I don't think kids are
going to recognize Santa
in the,,,
polycotton coat here.
I'm gonna smack you.
Now, wait !
[ Chuckles ]
Hate to make you nervous
or anything, but can we
talk about a couple things...
before we do that ?
Sure.
First, if you want to
scatter some white dreads,
I'm happy with that.
But not a whole head.
Okay ?
Mm-hmm.
Secondly, am I gonna be
sproutin' any facial hair ?
Lucy, for the next
two centuries, you will not
change one iota...
from what you are
right now.
Oh, well, come on with it !
I like everything
except for the belt.
I'm short-waisted.
It cuts me at the waist.
Must I ?
Ah ! So much better !
[ Nick Chuckling ]
- Shall we ?
- Oh, yes. I think we shall.
My, but your pants
are awfully short.
Guess you're too tall
for 'em, huh ?
Thank you.
Oh, Rashomon. I'm sure
you don't mind driving.
I'm just not ready yet.
Nick !
Hmm ?
- Where's your Santa clothes ?
- There's only room
for one Santa, Lucy.
Let's say I'm just coming along
for your training run.
Oh. All right then.
We'll talk about it later.
Uh, Rakiki ? You don't mind...
getting in the back seat,
do you, 'cause I know
it's so small and cramped,
'cause it's meant
for an elf, and you got
a pituitary problem.
[ Chuckles ]
So sorry to hear about it.
Boss ?
Hmm ?
Why don't you have
the honours, one last time ?
Thank you, Ralph.
I'd like that.
[ Nick ]
Ready, Rudolph ?
[ Snorts ]
Now, Dasher, now Dancer,
now Prancer and Vixen;
on, Comet, on Cupid,
on Donder and Blitzen.
Now dash away,
dash away all !
Ooh-yea !
[ Lucy ]
Yahoo !
[ Lucy ]
I can't believe I'm flyin' !
It's just too much !
[ Sleigh Whooshing,
Thudding ]
[ Lucy ] Oh !
[ Nick, Laughing ]
We made it.
[ Chuckling ]
Well, Lucy. Are you ready
for your first delivery ?
Uh--
Yeah, yeah.
Go on then.
Okay.
Are they gonna be okay
up here by themselves ?
The reindeer ?
Yeah. Fine, fine.
Oh, good.
You don't suffer
from vertigo, do you ?
Not any more.
Oh, thank you.
All right, children !
Merry Christmas !
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Toys, Clattering ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh, wait--
What, what ?
This is a real chimney !
Yes !
Why do we do it
in a real chimney ?
What did you expect ?
Well, I ju-- I didn't--
I thought it was just,
like a story !
[ Ralph ] No, no, no, no, no.
No, it's the rules,
and you have to go down.
[ Screams ]
No, wait !
Okay. Okay.
Wait till we get to England.
- Why ?
- The chimney pots
start like this.
Oh, this is going to be
a long night, isn't it ?
Now the other foot.
Now, stand on the ledges.
What ledge ?
The brick ledge--
There's a wall !
O-kay !
Okay. Okay.
Right, one, two--
- Wait, wait, wait !
What if there's a fire ?
- What ?
There won't be a fire !
How do you know ?
- I've been doing this
for 200 years !
- I know, but...
you're you,
and I'm just me.
I'm smelling sugar cookies.
[ Softly ] I don't think that's
sugar cookies you're smellin'.
You know what,
I-I can't do that.
Come on, come on.
- Lucy, come on !
- It's gonna be so easy.
- It's fun, it goes like that !
- Like that !
Like that ? I just
want you to know,
Yeah.
I'm doing this
under duress !
[ Screaming ]
[ Lucy, Echoing ]
Whoa-ho, whoa-ho, whoa-ho.
Wait till we get to
the Kwanzaa huts.
That was so not fun.
So not fun !
Don't think I don't know
you did that on purpose,
Rakiki.
[ Child ]
Hello.
Hi. Hi.
- Now-Now don't you
be afraid, okay ?
- I'm not.
Well, I would be if I saw
some stranger in my living room.
But, not to panic,
because I'm what they call
a "Santa in training."
You don't look like Santa.
- Well, what do you mean ?
- Because you're a girl.
I am a girl.
And you are so sweet
to notice !
And because you're
so sweet, you know
what I'm going to do ?
I'm gonna give you
the bestest present I have
in my great, big bag.
Wow !
How'd that bike get in there ?
That's just what I wanted !
Whoo !
How'd I do that ?
- You're Santa.
- That's right.
I'm Santa.
- And you're... James.
- Right.
Now, how cool is that ?
I knew your name immediately !
Whoa !
[ Creaking ]
You better go now.
[ Door Closes ]
I think I hear
my dad coming.
- You landed kind of hard
coming down the chimney.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
The thing is, James, I can't
go back the way I came.
- Any suggestions ?
- Front door ?
¶¶ [ Sleigh Bells
Jingling ]
You know, Residue,
you could have been
a lot more helpful...
on how to get back
up that chimney.
If you knew my name,
I might.
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
Why, Risotto, I don't know
what you mean. And if you're
not careful, I could fire you.
It's a lifetime contract,
and elves age slowly !
Ah, but in your case,
they grow quickly !
[ Laughing ]
Oh, look, Rapscallion,
there's the Hollywood sign !
And over there's
the Staples Center.
Oh, if you fell out,
we might be able
to trade you for Shaq.
It's gonna be
a long night going up
and down those chimneys.
Oh, you just couldn't
wait to say that,
could you ?
Mm-hmm.
Well, all right.
In the spirit of Christmas,
and since I'm your new boss,
I'll call you Ralph.
- Thank you.
- So, Ralph, when are we gonna
get to China ?
Because I'm so peckish
for some Peking duck.
Lucy, do you think
there's one last stop
you'd like to make...
before we continue
with our deliveries ?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
[ Iesha ]
¶ A thrill of hope ¶
¶ The weary world rejoices ¶
¶ For yonder breaks ¶
¶ A new and glorious morn ¶
¶ Fall ¶
¶ On your knees ¶
¶ Oh, hear ¶
¶ The angel voices ¶
¶ Oh, night ¶
¶ Divine ¶
¶ Oh, night ¶
¶ When Christ was born ¶
¶ Oh, night ¶
¶ Divine ¶
¶ Oh, night ¶
¶ Oh, night ¶
¶ Divine ¶¶
Whoo !
Yes !
Yes ! She was
really great.
[ Cheering ]
How'd I do, Grandma ?
Baby, tonight you were
part of heaven's choir.
You rocked, girl.
Oh, yes.
- Merry Christmas, Mom.
- Lucy !
Yeah.
Oh, baby, you come
home for Christmas.
- Yeah.
- Hey, sis. Come here !
What's up with
the Santa suit, huh ?
I wish I could
explain it to you, but--
Lucy.
When tonight is over,
you'll have Christmas day to do
whatever your heart desires.
Now you're Santa,
anything is possible.
Great !
Lucy, what's goin' on ?
Do you have your
heart medication
with you ?
Hey, everybody, you're
not gonna believe it !
It's snowing outside !
[ Incredulous Chattering ]
This is amazing !
It hasn't snowed in
Los Angeles for-- never !
Hey, check it out !
It's Santa's sleigh
and Rudolph !
Not much to look at,
folks. Just a sleigh
with nine tiny reindeer.
Now, listen.
I can't explain
everything right now.
So I'm gonna drop by
for Christmas brunch.
And, Mom, when I say
I'm gonna drop in
for Christmas brunch,
don't stand anywhere
near the fireplace.
Lucy--
Uh, Lucy, i-is this
a reindeer doin' his
business on my leg ?
- Yeah.
- And... why is it snowin'
in L.A. ?
Oh, well, that's
a pretty long story,
my brother.
Jeez, Lucy.
I-I'm confused.
It's okay.
Daddy ? I don't know why,
but I think Aunt Lucy
might be Santa Claus.
Well, I think I'm ready
to rock 'n' roll.
Where's Nick ?
Come on, Nick.
We gonna be late !
Oh, I'm afraid this is
my stop, Lucy. From now on,
you're on your own.
What are you talkin' about ?
Well, Helga and I plan
to live in Saint-Tropez.
She likes the sun--
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- I need to settle down, Lucy.
No ! You are not
leaving me out here
by myself.
This is my first night
as Santa Claus ! I don't know
how to do this job !
I don't know how to go
up the chimney. I don't know
what to do about this bag...
that keeps throwin' all these
toys, and I don't know anything
about these reindeers !
Now Dasher, now Dancer,
now Prancer, now Vixen--
You know what I'm saying.
I need your help here.
You cannot leave.
And since you told me
that I'm the great,
mammy-jammy Santa Claus,
I'm makin' an edict:
I'm declarin' you
Santa Claus Emeritus.
Which means that you are
are gonna help me over
the next 200 years...
find the next Santa Claus
so I don't have to go through
what you went through...
looking for me.
Now, do we have a deal ?
Come on, Nick !
Please ? Please ?
Deal.
Deal.
All right.
Look, we're burning daylight
on the international dateline.
Okay, right now you are
burnin' my last nerve.
Get your behind in
the back of the sled, okay ?
[ Laughing ]
I'm ready for this.
Now Dancer and...
Prancer and...
Nixon and...
Blitzen and--
Dash away, dash away,
dash away all !
Now dash away, dash away--
We're not dashing at all.
Take up the reins, Lucy.
Oh, well, how am I
supposed to know that ?
This is just my first time
bein' Santa Claus.
You been Santa Claus
for 200 years !
All right.
Hee-yow !
Whoo !
¶ Just dig those sleigh bells
jinglin', ring-ting-tinglin'
too ¶
¶ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together
with you ¶
¶ Outside the snow is fallin'
But your friends are callin'
yoo-hoo ¶
¶ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together
with you ¶
¶ Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap
Let's go ¶
¶ Let's look at the show ¶
¶ We're riding in a winterland
of snow ¶
¶ Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap
It's grand ¶
¶ Just holdin' your hand ¶
¶ We're gliding along
with the songs
of a wint'ry wonderland ¶
¶ Our cheeks are nice and rosy
Comfy, cosy are we ¶
Merry Christmas !
¶ We're snugglin' close together
like two birds of a feather
should be ¶
[ Iesha ]
She is Santa, Daddy !
¶ Let's take the road before us
and sing a chorus or two ¶
¶ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together
with you ¶
[ Nick ] Merry Christmas !
Bye, Aunt Lucy !
[ Nick Laughing
Uproariously ]
[ Lucy ]
Mer-ry Christmas !
[ Laughing ]
¶ Oh, call me Santa
Call me Kringle
Call me ol' Saint Nick ¶
¶ All those
have a beautiful ring ¶
¶ Pleasin' is the reason
And the season's a kick ¶
¶ When you're Santa, baby
You gotta swing ¶
¶ Swing ¶
¶ I dare ya ¶
¶ Hey, call me Santa
Call me Kringle
Call me 'ol St Nick ¶
¶ All those have
a beautiful ring ¶
¶ Pleasin' is the reason
and the season's a kick ¶
¶ When you're Santa, baby
You gotta swing ¶
¶¶ [ Fades ]