Caligula (1979) - full transcript

The rise and fall of the notorious Roman Emperor Caligula, showing the violent methods that he employs to gain the throne, and the subsequent insanity of his reign - he gives his horse political office and humiliates and executes anyone who even slightly displeases him. He also sleeps with his sister, organises elaborate orgies and embarks on a fruitless invasion of Britain before meeting an appropriate end. There are various versions of the film, ranging from the heavily truncated 90-minute version to the legendary 160-minute hardcore version which leaves nothing to the imagination (though the hardcore scenes were inserted later and do not involve the main cast members).

Darling Drusilla...

I have existed
from the morning of the world...

...and I shall exist until the last star
falls from the heavens.

Although I have taken the
form of Gaius Caligula,

I am all men as I
am no man and so...

...I am a god.

Subtitles by BANQUO...

What's it like with Marcellus?
- With what like?

He's so fat. It's disgusting.
- He's not.

He's only large.
- And tiny where it counts.

How do you know?
- I saw him at the baths.

Poor... poor Drusilla.
- You are vile.

- Messenger to the Prince.

Identify yourself.
- Macro.

- Justice.


Forgive me, Prince.

The Emperor commands
you to wait upon him.

What does he want?

A last look at you perhaps.
He is 77.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

My wife lives on if in the day
she can see you again, Prince.

Wait outside.

What does all this mean?
- Take care, little boots.

Pray to Isis for me.
- I'll follow you as soon as I can.

I hate I'm back here, Macro.

He's planning something.

You've nothing to fear.
I command Praetorian guards.

With Tiberius,
there's always something to fear.

Be very careful of Nerva.

They say he can even tell
what you're thinking.


- Dear friend.

Ten years is a long
time for the Emperor...

to be heading away.

I should feel a great deal happier...

...if he would back in
Rome where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the Emperor?
- Old, like me.

I mean, how is his mood?

Like the weather.

But the weather's good today.


I've heard that during the
last month seven of my...

colleagues in the senate
have been put to death.

...for treason.

Nine to be exact.
Five of them cheated.

They killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair.

Don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men, how could...

the Beloved Emperor
find them guilty?

You have a gift for logic, Prince.


Beloved grandfather.
- Do your dance, boy.

My dance?
- Yes.

The one that you
delighted the army...

with when your father
made you its mascot.

Come on.

Little boots.

I'd forgotten it, Lord.
- Oh, dance for me.

Delight me.


My little fishies.


Why not?
My little fishies. Come in.

All of you.

Stop that.

Out, little fishies.
You've had enough for today.

- Yes, my Lord?

Why do you say such
monstrous things...

about me at Rome?

I hear you often pray for my death.
- I don't, Lord, ever.

You do not?

By Heavens, Caesar,
I swear I do not.

Yo do not in... public.

Never, Lord.

Remember this.

That I have let you lived... far.

My little fishies love me.

Innocents, you see.

I protect their innocence.

This is the least I can do.
For it is a foul world.

Rise up.

Nerva is scouting at us.
Help me, Nerva.

Help me tranform this
young barbarian...

into a Roman caesar.

There have been
three Roman caesars.

Julius, Augustus and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?
- Best.

That would be your
father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula, I'm
insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend.

Watch out for Macro
when I'm dead.

I know. He hates me...
- ...because you are wise.

Because you are good.

So when I'm gone,
watch out for Macro.

I've taken my precautions, Caesar.

Hmm. What might they be?

Heaven help Rome.
For I'm gone.

I am old.

Yes, Lord, but you will live forever.

All my family are dead but you,
child Gemellus and that...

...Claudius that's uncle.

The others struck down by fate.

And it is fate, little boots,
that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Lord.

No, I'm not.
Not even when I'm dead.

Julius Caesar and
Augustus Caesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate...

and so the people
prefer to believe.

Such myth they use.

Little boots, just look at you.
- Yes, Caesar?

I am mercy.
A viper in Rome's bosom.



Do you think
this boy have been drinking?

I think he has, Caesar.
- So do I. Macro.

Yes, Lord?
- Bring him more wine.

And waste none.

Remove your bootlaces.

And what do thet
say of me at Rome?

Oh, well, they need you,
Lord and they miss you.

Most of my life I have given
to the Roman people.

I have fought.

I have given all.

Aren't they lovely?
- Yes, Lord.

The Satyrs are from Illyria.

And... uh...

This Nymph... is from...
Where are you from?

Britain, Lord.


Speaking statues.

Yes, yes. And they do more
than speak. They do...

You prefer nymphs to satyrs?
- I like both, Lord.

One needs both.
Yes. To keep healthy.

Rome is a republic and
you and I are playing citizens.

More confection.

That's it.

That's the best of my stallions.

Serve the state, Caligula, although
the people in it are wicked beasts.

But they love you, Lord.
- Oh, no. No.

They fear me.
And that is much better.

I had no choice, you see.

No choice.

No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly want
to become emperor,

but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else
had become emperor,

I would have been killed.

As you will be.

Will be?

Will be gra... gr...

Will be, Grandfather?

Would be, if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a
city and we were...

just citizens, we're
known to one another.

And we were frugal, good,
disciplined and dignified.

The Romans I rule
are not like we were.

They lust... they lust for power
and pleasure.

the wives of other men...

Oh, yes,
I am a true moralist.

And stern as any Cato.

Faith chose me to govern
swine in my old day...

which I have become a swine-herd.

The faithless boy. Has
he drunk enough wine?

I think he's drunk enough, Lord.

So do I.

Now he is happy.

Homer. You would not know that?

You were educated
in army caps only.

You will know enough
to be a swine-herd.

Caesar? The Senate sends these
documents for your signature.

Of course.

The revise list to candidates
for the requested order.

I, Tiberius Caesar,
command on the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

Tax assessment, regime minor,
Brescia and Gaul.

I, Tiberius Caesar,
command on the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

Senator guilty of treason.

Every senator believes
himself to be a potential

Caesar, therefore every
senator is guilty of treason.

In thought,
if not indeed.

The Senate is the natural enemy
of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Remember that.

Traitors. Look at them.


They offer to prove any law I made
before I made it.

I said: 'What if I go mad?
What then?'

No answer. They were
born to be slaves,

Germanicus, never forget that.

I'm not Germanicus, Lord.
I'm his son, Caligula.

And your friend is Macro.

He serves you and only you, Lord.
- And his wife is your friend, too.

Is she friendly in bed?
- We must ask Macro that, Lord.

She seems friendly.
- And your sister, Drusilla...

My sister is my sister, Lord.

I know everything
that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun
and the rising moon.

Gemellus, lovely boy.
And too young to betray me.

Perhaps not too young.

Yes. Kiss your old grandfather.
Yes. My last grandson.

I am your grandson, too, Caesar.
- By adoption.

This is the last flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy. What'd
it become of you?

He's like a brother to me, Lord.

Another brother is enough envy.

Brother kills a brother...

who's killed his father
who's killed his son.

Drink, Caligula.

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I am gone,
Caligula will kill you.

And then,
someone will kill Caligula.

Unless... unless he is dead,
before I am.

You are looking not well at all.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command on name...

of the Senate and people of Rome.

A brother kills a brother...
who's killed his father...

...who's killed his son.

And then
someone's killed Caligula...

He's going to kill me.

Sssh. You're safe. You're with me.

He's going to kill us.

Because that we killed our father,
our mother and our brothers.

I am not going to die.
- You won't.

You're his heir.
There is no one else.

Yeah, it is. There's Gemellus
an Claudius.

Gemellus is too young,
Claudius is an idiot...

...and Tiberius is old.
You will be emperor. Soon.

And you will be my queen.
- You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.
- But we're in Rome...

...and you're already promised.

I know... To Ennia...

It's only a bird.

- Hmm? What is it?

My wife.


Now you are a man, Caligula.
What are you going to do?

You must be the master
of your own destiny.

Take it... with both hands.

Why did you permit him to do it?

Bind his wrists.

Bind his wrists.

You must not go, you
must not leave me.

You're my friend, my only friend.

I've lived too long, Tiberius,
I hate my life.

Leave us.

Both of you.

The man to choose the
hour of his own death...

is the closest he will ever
come to tricking faith.

And faith decreased
that when you die,

Macro will kill me.

I'll arrest him and
have him executed.

You can't. He controls you.

Anyway, even if Macro dead,

how could I go on living
with this reptile?

You will respect my friend always,
won't you, reptile?

I've always respected him, Lord.

You hear?
- Tiberius, you were wise once.

Ah, don't taunt me. I'm old.
- I watched you go into a monster.

One by one, I've seen
you murder your family,

your friends, the
noblest men in Rome.

That is treason?
- No, it's the truth.

I and my oath had been
surrounded by enemies.

My own family and the Senate...
You're cruel.

You're cruel.

No, honest old men
can sometimes see the future.

So, from evils pass
and evils yet to come...

...I now choose to escape.

So these are your
precautions, Nerva?

Nerva, what's it like?
- Warm, no pain, just drifting away.

Do you see her?
- Who?

The Goddess.

Oh, you're one of
those who believe...

Do you see her?

- Are you sure?

You're almost dead. What's it like?
What's happening to you now?

- You're lying.

You can see her.
I know you can. What is she like?

No... nothing at all...

...just... sleep...


Since Nerva died, Tiberius has
been brought paralyzed.

They say he's close to death.
- Tiberius dies, be worse for us.

Yeah, you love the bastard.
- Take that back.

Prince. The physician Charicles.

How is the Emperor?
How long will he last?

Well, it could happen any moment,

but with care he might
last a year or so.

I can smell death...

...but whose?

Don't worry. He can do
nothing without me.

So these poor
unfortunate creatures...


...and where are they?

No, Macro. He's
planning something.

You'll be emperor, soon.

You swear.
- I sw...

I swear.

Everyone leave.





Give me my ring.

- Yes.

You... do not dare.


You do not dare.

Hail, Caesar.

Hail, Caesar.

I'd get everyone a
symbol and a hope.

For the announcement.



Hail, Caesar.

Gemellus. We are alone.

We must love each other.

Rest, Tiberius Caesar.

Hail, Caligula Caesar.

It's just like the dream.

It's only his mask.
You are Caesar now.


Caesar, Emperor of Rome,
lord of the world.

Lord of the world...

I liked this dream.

At the...

At the insistence of the Senate
and the people of Rome...

...I accept... humbly...

...the highest office
of our great republic.

Our great republic.

Where's the onion?
Give me the onion.

Now beloved Tiberius was dying...

To the Tiber with Tiberius.
- Yes. Yes.

Throw him to the river.
- Yes. Yes.

Tiberius. Throw him.
Throw him to the dark.

Yes. Yes.

Today we begin a new era.

I grant a general amnesty.

- Hail. Hail. Hail.

Caesar. Caesar.
Caesar. Caesar. Caesar.

Caesar. Caesar.
Caesar. Caesar. Caesar.

- Caesar. Caesar.

Caesar. Caesar. Caesar. Caesar.

- Caesar. Caesar.

Great Caesar is not finished.

As my fellow counsel,

the Senate and the
people of Rome...

...have wisely chosen
my loved uncle Claudius.

Hail, Cladius.

Take your place
beside me, Claudius.

Ceasar Caligola...
- Take your place...

I mean Calisus...

I here with adopt as
my son and heir...

...the Prince Gemellus.

Come forth, Prince.
- Hail, Gemellus.

From this moment,
all official oaths...

will contain the following phrase:..

'I will value neither my life,
nor the lives of my children...'

'...any more highly
than I do the Emperor.'

Hail. Hail. Hail.

'And of his sister, Drusilla.'

Hail Drusilla.
- Hail Caligola.

We must be careful of him.

Oh, Claudius?
- No, Gemellus.

Oh, yes. Gemellus.

Did you see their
faces when I told 'em

I had to swear not only to me?

But to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.
- But is it wise?

I can do...

...anything I like... anyone.
- Well, don't start with me.

Who do you suggest?

Get out. Out.

- Why not start with Macro?

- Yes.

Before he controls you
as he controlled Tiberius.

Superb. It's bright, Macro.

Fetch me Gemellus.
- What? Here?

Yes, here. Now.

- My Lord?

Stand here.

I want to bonus for my guards.

Oh, but Caesar,
that's not possible.

All things that happen
are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen,
then it'd be possible. Logical?

How, Caesar? The
deficit, you see, is...

Look, how much is my purse?

Well, Lord, that is as
much as you may require.

Oh, good.

Ah, Macro.
Would you stand over there?

Longinus, you here.
- Yes, Caesar.

Gemellus. I want you to look at
these gentlemen very carefully.

Take your time and tell me...

...who killed our beloved Tiberius?

Who killed Tiberius?

He did. Macro.


Arrest him.

In honor of your new commander,

...ten gold pieces to every man.

Hail. Hail. Hail.

Chaerea, arrest Macro.
- Guards, arrest Macro.

Don't you dare.

Forgive me, Caesar...

Ah, Caerea.

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a disputable land.

And they wait your judgment.
- Ah, bring them in.

Bring them in.

I'm interesting all there is Rome,
even down to the land of the Toga.


Caesar, I must complain
about the vow...

Give me the documents.

- Thank you. Thank you.

Don't thank.
Justice must always be impartial.

It is so, Chaerea. Is it?
- Yes.

You may go.


You look beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

We'll be married soon.
Divorce will only take a few days.

I think we should move.
- Move? Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?


What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome.
I mean, the Senate...

No, no, Ennia. I am Rome.
Wherever I am, Rome is.

There is the Senate
and the people of Rome.

You don't make me laugh.
The way you say that.

Ah, Longinus.
- Forgive us, Caesar.

Longinus, is it done?

The Senate has
sentenced him to death.

The commission.

Chaerea, I now officially
appoint you...

commander of my imperial guard.

But what about Macro?
What happened? Where is he?

He has been arrested for treason.
- That's impossible.

Caesar, you know
he worshipped you.

He made you.

Nobody made me.
- I... I can't believe it.

What did he do?

Ennia. I had to take my destiny,
with my own hands.



Chaerea. She's to be back.

I love you.
- To Gal.

I love you.

Caligula. How could you do it?
He was your friend.

He would've done
anything for you.

Don't send me away.

I love you.


Now at least she doesn't
have to get a divorce.

But you still have to find
a suitable wife.


I'm going to marry you.

You can't.
We're not Egyptians.

I know.

We are much more beautiful.

Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking at yourself
like that.

Let's go to Egypt then.
- You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool.
- But he's trying very hard.

Caesar cannot be a fool.

Little Boots. They'll
throw you in the Tiber,

if you temp to move
the government.

So, you are going to
marry a respectable

Roman lady of the
senatorial class.

No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill me
when he grows up.

The priestess of Isis are meeting
at my house tonight.

You want me to
marry one of them?






I wonder what I should wear.

When just the performance
for almighty Caesar?

Don't be disgusting.

But I'm being practical.
If I'm to chose a wife,

I want to see what I'm within.


Out that one looks
rather interesting.

Livia? Oh, she's
taken. She's to marry

Proculus, one of your officers.

I'll send him to Spain.

She's a virgin. Very boring.
Not your style.

That will be my wife.
- Oh, no. Not Caesonia.

Oh. You're impossible.

She's the most mysterious
woman in Rome.


Caesonia's been divorced.
She's extravagant. Always in debt.

I want her.
- But not for a wife.

Send her to me now.

No, Little Boots. I
won't let you do it.

It wouldn't be wise.


Such as the will of the senate
and the people of Rome.

You're very convincing
as a priestess, Caesar.

And you...
as a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

I told Caesonia that
I would marry her.


Ah, but only after
she's born me a son.

How will you ever know it's yours?

Don't worry.
I've got her very well guarded.

Can you be sure one of the guards
will be the father?

They're all homosexuals
who have been castrated.

If only all Rome had just one neck.

Is that the officer
Livia's going to marry with?

Yes. Proculus.


- Caesar? see this young officer
over here? Proculus?


Caligula Caesar,
Emperor of Rome.

- Hail.

And the lady Drusilla
and the lady Caesonia.

And the lady Drusilla
and the lady Caesonia.

- Hail.

Are we late?
- No, Caesar.

You forgive us.

Was the ceremony beautiful?
The augury is good?

Yes, Caesar.
- Splendid.

You are very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.


I shall now bestow...

the special blessings
of almighty Casear...

...upon this...

...happy union.

Which way is the
secret marriage bed?

Ah. The kitchen.
Oh, this will have to do.

See you later.

Little Boots.

I thought you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for Caesar's wedding gift.

What a delicious bride.

Take off that robe.


Is she really a virgin, Proculus?
- Yes, Caesar.

One can never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, Livia.

Lucky girl. To lose once virginity... a direct descent
of the goddess Venus.


...Caligula Caesar...


Open your eyes, Proculus.

...command in the
name of the Senate...

open 'em.

...the Senate and
the people of Rome.

She really was a virgin.

Are you?

Well? Are you?

No, Caesar.
- No?

Well, Isis won't like that. One law...

for woman, one for
man. That's no fair.

Come on.
Off with your clothes.


I like your nice
bushy hair, Proculus.

Caesar. I beg you.
- So sit up.

I think you were lying to me.

You're a virgin, too.


...Caligula Caesar...

in the name of the Senate...

Open your eyes, Livia.

...and the people of Rome...

You see how I exhausted myself
to make your wedding holy.

My blessings to you both.





Jupiter loves me.


He's trying to kill me.
- Who, Little Boots?

Gemellus. I saw him. He ran away.
Wants me dead.

Now... now, Little Boots.

Now you'll be alright.


Hail, Caesar.

- Hail, Caesar.

All hail Ceasar's
beautiful horse, Incitartus.

Hail the most honorable Incitartus.

Hail, Incitartus.

There's Gemellus over there.
Watch him.

Chop chop, dear uncle, chop chop.

I want your honest advise.

Shall I make myself king of Rome?

Well, but this is republic, isn't it?

Very well, then.

I shall make myself
king of the republic.

But you're already greater
than any king, Caesar.

I am a god.

Or at least I will be when I'm dead.

Gemellus, try one of these morels.

What's that smell?
- What smell, Caesar?

What have you been taking?

Just a medicine. A bit
to drop off the fever.

Did you give him
medicine for the fever?


Yes or no?
- No, I don't.

Gemellus. Are you accusing your
sovereign for being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote
before coming to my table.

Which is tend to mount
for accusing me poisoning you.

That is awkward, isn't it?



Arrest Gemellus...

...for treason.

Guards. Take him away.




No, please.

As if there ever could be
an antidote against Caesar.


Why are you so
concerned for him?

I'm not concerned for him.

But for you.
- He knows about Tiberius.

He's a threat to me.
- He's not. He's not even your heir.

Caesonia now carries your child.

Gemellus will die.
- You amateur.


And they weren't even poisoned.


Well done.

What will you do to her?
What she said was treason.

I decide what is treason, not you.


- Yes.

And what about your son?

Show Incitartus your new dance.

My son...

...he will dance with you.


You are... beautiful...



We are all alone...


He's going to kill me.
- No.

He can't kill me.

The fever must be at soothe.
- He's going to kill me.

What if it doesn't?
- He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.



He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill...


Tell you...

...I love you.

Where is my sister?
- She's coming.

I'm here, Little Boots.


...I'm dying.
- You are not.

I must...

...make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

I want Longinus.

Take my horse to his own bed.

He's a monster.

Even so, it's better that
he doesn't die this time.

I don't see, why?
- The people love him.

There could be more revolutions,
civil chaos, if he dies.

It looks as if he's claimed
to die anyway.


You call for me, Caesar?

My will.

Here with to my beloved Drusilla...

...the Roman Empire...

...title of Augusta... little boots.

Little boo...

He's sleepy.

No, he's not.


Why do I get angry with you?

Why do we always argue?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady. You must not touch him.
The fever is contagious.

Sleep. You're safe now.
Drusilla's here.

I offer my life,

if Jupiter will only
spare our beloved Emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.
- Hmm?

Execute him.

The fever is breaking.

Do you hear that, Little Boots?
You're going to live.

Drusilla tells me that
I've been neglecting...

my work. So I recalled for duty.

Your signature
and seal is required, lord.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name of the...

...Senate... and...

...people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

Rome, Rome, Caesar, Caesar,

Rome, Rome, rubbish,
rubbish, rubbish.

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name...

of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

No wonder life's so dull.

Yes, lord... oh... no,
lord... and don't...

Let's see if Proculus
can liven things up for us.


Do you know that his wife is
expecting her first child?

We're not quite sure
who the father is.

Him or... God.

Divine Caesar, please.
What have I done?

Why am I here?

- I've always been loyal to you.

That is your treason.

You're an honest man, Proculus,
which means of bad Roman.

Therefore you're a traitor.

Logical, hmm?

Now you must die like Gemellus.

Like all moles failed Rome.

Now slowly, very slowly.

I want him to feel death.
I want him to smell death.

Now. What does it
feel like, Proculus?

Can you see the
great goddess Isis?

What does she say?


Make a note of this.

I said slowly, you fool.

Lucky boy.
To off escaped me so easily.

Longinus. Reptile.

Cut off those and
send them to Livia... a souvenir of their great love.

Caesar says, 'Cut them off.'

And now send the rest to Livia.


Child's head...

...has just appeared.

Is he alive?
- Yes, Caesar.

My lords.
I'm now to be married to Caesonia.

The mother of my son,
Caligula Germanicus.

Caligula. Caesonia.

Ring, ring. Give me the ring.

You are now wife, mother
and emperess of Rome.

It's a girl.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.
Did you not hear Caesar say?

I heard the voice of Caesar,
but your daughter did not.

I should've waited, shouldn't I?
- There will be other children.

- Caesar?

One month of free games
and a gold coin to every Roman... celebrate the birth of my son.

My son... Julia Drusilla.

Julia Drusilla.



The fever.
- Drusilla.

The fever.


I'm here...'s your Little Boots.

It's your Little Boots.

Do something.

I am doing everything I...
I can, Caesar.

I swear.
But the fever must take its course.

Great Isis. Save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs you,
o mighty goddess.



Get out. Get out.
Go on. Get out. Get out.

Get out. Go on.
Out. Out. Out.


Almighty mother...


I begged you...

Caesar begs you...

We, Caius Caesar
Caligula, do decree...

one month puclic mourning...

...for our beloved sister, Drusilla.

During which time
anyone who laughs,

baths, dines with his
parents or children...

...or has intercourse
will be sentenced to death.

Such as the will of the Senate
and the people of Rome.


Come on, darling.

Caligula has finished.

Nestor restores the imperial heirs.

The slaves of Rome.

The people.

The army.

The tribune of the people.

The Senate.

And great and supreme...
the Emperor.


And I am...
the lady Drusilla, his sister.

Let's make love once again,
brother Nestor.

No. No.



No. Stop.

Another drunk.

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report,
he's gone to Egypt.

And according to
the other reports?

Well... Greece...

...another, Persia... Carthage
and another again, to Gal.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.
- No.

He's here in Rome.

He's testing us.

Get off.

I have existed from the
morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the
last star falls from the night.

Although I have taken the form of

Gaius Caligula, I am
all men as I am no man.

Therefore I am...

...a god.

I shall wait for the unanimous
decision of the Senate.

All those who say aye...

...say 'Aye.'



- Aye.

- Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye.

He's a god now.

Aye. Aye. Aye.


- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

- Baa.

The period of
mourning is now over.

He's mad.

Enjoy yourself.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But... ah...
are you going to enjoy it as well?

I don't know.
Should we ask them?


Ah, Longinus.
My financial wizard.

We have a question for you.

Who're the richest men in Rome?


Answer: The pimps.

Question number two.

Who are the most lascivious sluts
in all of Rome?


Answer: The senators' wives.

So, an imperial brothel.
A most logical...

way to balance the state budget.

As you can see,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have gone to great expence... bring you the finest flesh
in our empire.

Five gold pieces.

Only five gold pieces for each
and every twenty minutes.

And that's a bargain.

Look at them.
Aren't they beautiful?

The most lascivious ladies of the
Roman Empire have come today... perform their patriotic
beauties for all.

For a mere five gold pieces.

All with them,
that they will welcome you well.

Follow for all the
imperial bungalow...

...and better make
your choice of the...

finest treasure of the Empire.

Just five gold pieces for each
and every twenty minutes.

And that's a bargain,
because most of the...

women here are respectable,
married ladies.

Senators' wives.
Whores of plainest reputation.

I'll have to work out a special
rate for you.

Flavia, come.

Don't waste time. Our senators'
wives are not merely beautiful... their husbands,
they are insatiable.

And for only five gold pieces,
took any one of you.

Do the wives of golden juice
come on you.

Take their wives, use them,
confuse them.

Do as you will with them.

They are yours. Just
yours for only five.

Five gold pieces.

Hairy nipples.

Senator Marcellus.

Your wife will scare
our customers away.

Try help walnuts.

Hey, you over there.
Don't pinch yourself.

The more that you give,
the more they will bite you.

How many enjoying the skills
perfected by our senators' ladies...

...while their husbands
left in the Senate?

Only five gold pieces.


Senators' wives...

...for a blameless reputation.

He's making customs using
all our wives and daughters.

Humiliating the Senate
and defending the army.

That's why the people love him.

Longinus. You're
not having any fun.

Enjoy yourself.

What is your preference?
- Everything and nothing, Caesar.

You can't have both
for the same price.

He's provoking you.
- Only me? Huh.

He's mad.
He doesn't know what he's doing.

He knows what he's doing
perfectly well.

Give him enough rope... perhaps...
- He'll hang us all.

We also have a few
very sappier ladies here today.

You may slash them
or may bind them.

Five gold pieces to buy you both.

For five gold pieces.

Can't you stop bothering
for just a few moments?


I hear you have a
taste for little boys.

Is that not so?
- No, Caesar. Big boys.

My soldiers.
- Are they ready?

Yes, Caesar.


We sail for Britain.

He will not go again.

We're only a few
has marched from Rome.

And what new madness is this?

Mars tells me we will
enjoy a great victory.

Ah, Chaerea.
- Caesar?

Are we prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar...


Only what?

Where is Britain?
- Where?


Ah, yes, lord, there...

...but... eh...
there is no enemy.

There is papyrus cane.

Papyrus cane, Divine Caesar?
- Yes, papyrus.

Don't be so stupid, Chaerea.

Order my army to attack
and destroy that papyrus.

Yes, lord.

After all, we must have some proof
that I have conquered Britain.



While all of you were
living safely here in Rome...

...your beloved emperor
was risking his life... preserve and
enlarge the Empire.

I've heard rumors that the Senate...

doesn't believe that I
ever went to Britain.

No. No, lord.

But I did conquer Britain,
and I have a hundred...

thousand papyrus
canes to prove it.

Hail, Caligula Caesar.
- Hail, Caesar.

Hail, Caligula the Conquerer.
- Hail. Hail. Hail.

Better be careful,
he's in a strange mood tonight.


They hate you now.

Let them hate me. So
long as they fear me.

They are senators and consuls.
They are important men.

So important that
they prove all I do?

They must be mad.

I don't know what else to do
to revolt them.

Great victory.

In Britain.

And now...

...the booties captured
during this great campaign.


Mullet, blenny and salmon.


...and beautiful pink pearls.

From the blue seas
and silver rivers of Britain.

Gained from the green forests
and golden holms of Britain...

...swell pheasants,
lovesome geese.


Crawl. Crawl. Crawl.

I hate them.

Almighty Caesar says... balance the state budget...

...we shall confiscate
the entire estates...

of all those who have failed Rome.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galva,
Aponius, Marcellus,

Antonius, Cassius...


They have failed me.
Arrest them.


...Sextus and Octavius.

Guards. Arrest them.

Almighty Caesar says...

...finish your dinner.


He must be done soon.

Watch Chaerea.
- Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

Is it true that there is a conspiracy
against me, Longinus?

Eh... well, lord... that is... I mean...

It seems there is a secret plot.

A plot is always a secret,
if it's not a secret,

not a plot or a plan.

That is logical, is it not, Claudius?

Even a half-wit can know that
and you are a half-wit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

The situation's gone too far.

He's muffed the guards,
overruled the...

government and insulted
the best friends of Rome.

Yes, the Senate counts for
nothing anymore.

No one is safe from him.

He's a tyrant.
- Then what can we do?

There's only one solution.

If Caligula ought to die...
- It could happen.

You need to sleep.

I think I shall resign myself
to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able
to face the facts, have you?

The facts? Yes, my lord.
Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

Psst. Are you ready?

Will you speak your
lying sister Isis?

Long have I wandered
in the land of men... search of you, brother Osiris.

I have been killed
and cut in two bits.

You put my pieces together,
bringing back life...

...with a kiss.

There goes our blood.

It doesn't matter.
It's only a show.

I can't get it right.
- No, Caesar. Look, like that.

Hello, precious.

Have you been a good girl?

Don't you think she looks
beautiful in my costume?

She's even wearing my little boots.
- Cause you like her power.

My little... boots.

She's serious.

Going to be dressed
like you today.


Scotch him.

So be it.


Come on.

Hail, Claudius Caesar.

Hail, Claudius Caesar.
- Hail, Claudius.

Hail, Claudius.
- Claudius, hail.

Hail, Claudius Caesar.