Calendar Girl (1993) - full transcript

NED:
From the beginning of time,
man has had the need

to capture the beauty
of the human form.

Painters painted,
sculptors sculpted.

But none of these forms
seemed worthy of the subject.

Then man found a way
to fuse beauty and art
into a perfect new form...

The calendar.

♪ I love, I love, I love
my calendar girl

♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl

♪ I love, I love, I love
my calendar girl

♪ Each and every day
of the year

♪ January



♪ You start the year off fine

♪ February

♪ You're my little valentine

♪ -March
-I'm gonna march you

♪ Down the aisle

♪ -April
-You're the Easter Bunny

♪ When you smile

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love
my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ Of the year

♪ -May
-Maybe if I ask



♪ Your dad and mom

♪ -June
-They'll let me take you

♪ To the junior prom

♪ July

♪ Like a firecracker
I'm aglow

♪ -August
-When you're on the beach

♪ You steal the show

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love
my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ Of the year

♪ -September
-Light the candles

♪ At your Sweet Sixteen

♪ -October
-Romeo and Juliet

♪ On Halloween

♪ -November
-I'll give thanks

♪ That you belong to me

♪ -December
-You're the present 'neath

♪ My Christmas tree

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love
my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ -Every day
-Every day

♪ Of the year ♪

GIRL:
I'm gonna take dance class.

NED: It was 1962,
and here I was at UCLA.

And it seems like
another planet.

I was lost,
and I was lonely.

And I hadn't found
any of my classes.

UCLA must stand for
"You can't locate anything."

Okay, but that's the past.

Today, I swore
I'd make one new friend
if it killed me.

Then I saw her.

Everything you'd want
in a friend.

Blonde hair and a great body.

Yeah, I'd talk to her.

I'd ask directions.

I'd kill two birds
with one stone.

-GIRL: What's going on?
MAN: They're stuffing
a phone booth.

GIRL: All of you?

NED: Okay, so now
I'm standing there.

Breathing down her neck.

There was my same old problem.

Not brave, no guts.

What a jerk.

And I felt like
I was six years old.

Actually, six was a great age.

It was easy making
friends then.

That's when I met
my best buddies,
Scott and Roy.

And women
were no problem.

All we cared about was
a puppet made out of wood.

MAN: Hey, kids!
What time is it?

CHILDREN:
It's Howdy Doody Time!

[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING]

NED: Back then,
16 million kids watched
Howdy Doody faithfully.

So when Buffalo Bob announced
a look-alike contest,

every kid in town signed up.

The winner and a guest got
an all-expense-paid trip
to Doodyville.

But no one actually knew
where Doodyville was.

But it had to be more exciting
than Indian Springs, Nevada.

There was a real run
on flame-red hair dye
that week.

Stop fidgeting.

Looks like
a car accident.

NED: That's where
I met Roy Darpinian.

He was one of a kind.

He was really tearing
the place up, as usual.

-[GROWLING]
-He didn't care about winning.

All he cared about
was being noticed.

And he was.

Smile. Say Howdy Doody.

[BURPS]
Howdy Doody.

NED: Scott Foreman
should have won.

Even without the makeup,
the guy looked
just like Howdy Doody.

We nicknamed him, "The Dood."

-[CHILDREN CHATTING]
-He even had a wooden leg.

He'd show it to us
any time we asked.

Until Roy told him
to charge a buck.

-I didn't win, either.
-MAN: Smile and say
"Howdy Doody!"

NED: But from that day on,
the three of us were
inseparable.

-Howdy Doody.
-NED: It was perfect.

Roy didn't have a mother,
I didn't have a father,

and Dood didn't have a leg.

None of us were going
to Doodyville,

but we stayed
devoted to Howdy.

-Until we turned 12.
-[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Howdy didn't seem
quite so interesting
once we discovered her.

A new hero with less freckles
and more flesh.

Dood. Roy. I've been looking
all around for you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Come on.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

SCOTT:
Oh, holy cow!

ROY: Where did you
get this, Bleuer?

NED: I found it
in my dad's drawer.

-SCOTT: Oh.
-Look at those bosoms.

So round. So...

SCOTT: Round.

NED:
A miracle of shape.

That's guaranteed
shit-sure boner.

-[THUNDER RUMBLING]
-[LAUGHING]

-NED: Come on, you guys.
-ROY: Okay, read back
what we got.

-SCOTT:
"Dear Miss Monroe..."
-No, say, "Dear Marilyn."

It's more personable.

How about, "Dear
Miss Atomic Blonde"?

No, I think I'll stick
with "Miss Monroe."

"We've seen
all your movies.
We're your biggest fans."

That's it.

ROY:
Okay, how about this?

"We're your biggest fans."

"You don't have
any bigger fans
in the whole world.

"We love you.

"And we especially love
your big, pointy tits.

-"They're like missiles."
-No. Uh-uh.

Roy. We can't say that to her.

Ladies love to
hear that stuff,
because they got 'em.

And they don't think about 'em
as much as we do.

We have to let 'em know.

I'm not signing my name
to anything about that.

Yeah, what are you?
A man or a mouse?

-[IN UNISON] I'm a man.
-Jinx.

NED:
When you got jinxed,
you couldn't talk

'til whoever jinxed you,
unjinxed you.

Scott never broke the rules.

And if Roy was really pissed,
Scott could go for days
without speaking.

We can't say she has bosoms
like a missile base.

Well, what do you think's
gonna grab her?

I don't know. I think
we should sound like
we have brains.

If anything, tell her
we think she's...

-A handsome woman.
-Handsome? Why don't you
just tell her she's a man?

NED: Dood, your leg.
You're castrating me. Oh.

NED:
It took us a while,
but we finally finished.

Fell asleep
and dreamed about her...

Marilyn Monroe.

Two weeks later, she sent us
an autographed picture.

She loved us back.

We took turns sleeping
with that picture.

Sure, we got a few paper cuts,
but she was worth it.

Even Roy, who had a lot
of real-life girlfriends,
still stayed true to Marilyn.

ROY:
"Monroe was working
on her latest movie,

"Something's Got to Give,

"and two weeks later,
something did.

"Marilyn was fired.

"What we'll all miss
on the screen

"is the skinny-dip scene
you see on these pages."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Prepare yourselves, gentlemen.

-Oh.
-Oh, yeah.

-Beautiful.
-Look at those eyes.

Read these lips.

"I want you to canoe me.

"Canoe me, Roy.

"Canoe me, now."

Darpinian, that ciggie's
making a beeline
for your brain.

I told you
not to do that.

Wow.

I wonder if the doctor
would let me take them.

How long does it take to get
a shot of penicillin

-around this place,
anyway, huh?
-[RINGS BELL]

I mean, either I got the clap
or I don't, right?

-[CHUCKLES]
-NED: Then one day,
Roy dropped it on us.

He'd enlisted in the Army
for a very typical
"Roy" reason.

We're all going
to hell, anyway.

I might as well
go out fighting.

Positive, Roy. You've got
a great sense of humor there.

NED:
Roy had to leave
for boot camp in a week.

I didn't know what to think.

And the Dood couldn't think
because he was in love.

ROY: Aw.

NED: Scott had known
Becky forever,

but lately he had
that goofy look
when she was around.

They were gonna get married.

The Dood, married.

I mean, the guy was still
eating animal crackers.

[HORNS HONKING]

Hey, hey, hey.
Watch it, kid.

Roy.

What?

Don't be a jerk.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[RAY CHARLES' WHAT'D I SAY
PLAYING]

-So, we'll go to
the Chief tonight, huh?
-Okay.

-All right.
-I'll see you, Roy.

I'll call you later.

NED:
Could Roy really have
joined the Army?

Was he really that impulsive?

♪ Yeah, mama
don't you treat me wrong

♪ Come and love your daddy
all night long

♪ All right now...

NED: I guess that day
was my first signal

that life as I knew it wasn't
gonna be the same.

The inseparables
were separating.

♪ See the girl
with the diamond ring... ♪

NED: On the surface,
things seemed the same.

Dood still had his job
at the Chief,

even though once
he mixed up the reels
during The Ten Commandments,

and had Moses lead
the Israelites
back into slavery.

It was great for us, though.

Free movies.

And Roy.
For the last two years

he worked as a bagman
for a mob bookie
out of Las Vegas.

Antonio and Arturo,
the Gallo brothers.

They came with the job.

They made sure
when Roy talked,
people listened.

Roy hadn't turned in
his resignation yet.

Who could blame him?

The Gallo brothers
could be scary.

But there was something
kind of likeable

about the way Antonio brought
the world to his brother

through sign language.

Son of a bitch. Roy.

Two straws for Arturo.

No. What?

Outstanding.

Roy.

Our compliments
to the chef.

♪ All right ♪

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, watch where
you're going, pal.

NED: And I was back
working at the toy store.

The same one my father ran
before he got killed in Korea.

Everything was changing,
but me.

Everyone was going on,
doing brave things.

What was I doing?

Working at a toy store.

I didn't know what
I wanted to do.

I guess I just figured
we'd all wind up in college.

Now I wasn't sure
I even wanted to go.

I needed help.

And there she was.

I had collected
all the interviews, articles

and pictures I could find.

The one constant, Marilyn.

MARILYN:
Talk about sad.

You mean you can't
fall in love?

MAN: Not anymore.

MARILYN: Have you
ever tried American girls?

You poor, poor boy.
How can you think about...

-SCOTT: Oh.
-ROY: Look at those.

-...food at a time like this?
-ROY: Becky got a set
like those?

-What else is there for me?
-SCOTT: Shut up.

Is it that hopeless?

TONY CURTIS:
If I wasn't such a coward,
I'd kill myself.

I may not be one of those
French upstairs girls, but...

Could I take another
a crack at it?

If you insist.

Anything this time?

I'm afraid not.

I'm telling you.
She's ripe for the picking.

She ain't married to
that Miller guy anymore.
She just got canned.

She's probably
up for some action.

Roy, she's
a very private person.

That's firsthand. You won't
get in to see her.

And if you do
happen to get in,
she won't go out with you

because you have
no brains and you fart.

It can't be that tough.
I'll just go up to her door,

ring the bell, and when
she opens up, I'll say,

"Put out or get out."

-That'll grab her.
-Grab who?

It's Roy's opinion
that Marilyn would
go out on a date with him.

[LAUGHS]
You wish.

Guys, it's two days tops.
We can hang out
at my Uncle Harvey's.

Uh...

I... I can't
go with you.

I... I wouldn't know
how to tell Becky
where I was going.

Or why.

So snow her, Dood.

You tell her you ain't
never gonna see me again.

You wanna spend
the last couple of minutes
goofing around.

You got the face
to sell her.

I can't lie to her like that.
She'd never forgive me.

What are you,
a man or a mouse?

-I'm engaged.
-Wrong. You're a candy-ass.

Bleuer...

What about you?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't know if I could
get the time off from work.

-Then quit.
-Roy, quitting requires

an extreme knowledge
of not working.

I don't have your talent
for free time.

Guys, I'm talking
about meeting her.

Her.

The girl you've been
dreaming and creaming about.

And what about money?
Who's gonna pay
for all this?

Neither of you
has ever eighty-sixed
this stinking little town.

I'm the only guy you know
who can bring this off,

and you're gonna
bounce the cement
if I do and you don't.

Come on, guys. It's
two or three days, tops.

MAN: Step. Step. Step.
Helmet in.

Harder. Harder.
Elbows in.

Jab. Jab. Come on. Duck.

Block. Block. Block.

You wanna kill me?
Don't give in to temptation.
[GRUNTS]

Son, if you're not gonna
defend yourself,

don't step into
my ring again.

[SPITS]

Feel better?

Kid's got guts.

Yeah, everybody's
got guts.

Look, uh...

I need the keys to the car
for a couple days.

I wanna swing by Harvey's.

Going by Harvey's?

Yeah. He invited me.

He invited you?
Well, when did he
invite you?

What difference does it make?
He invited me.

Do I get the keys
or not?

No, you don't get
the keys.

You shouldn't go anywhere
this close to induction.

Stay around here,
collect your thoughts.
It might do you some good.

Why don't you
collect your thoughts?
I had to ask.

Roy? Roy, don't walk
away from me.

Roy, I'm not finished
talking to you.

Roy!

Bleuer.

Bleuer, you pea brain.

Grab your paddle, we're going
on a little canoe trip.

It's "Marilyn" time.

-Roy, I can't.
-Come on. This is it.

She's ripe. Let's fly.

-Is the Dood going?
-Buried the Beck
just like I told him.

She even opened
the car door for him.

I'm very, very proud
of that boy.

-Come on.
-Look, Roy. I just...

I can't leave the store now.
Okay? I can't leave.

Why not?

I mean, I don't have anyone
to come in for me.
Mr. Beggie is sick.

Jesus, Bleuer.
This place could
close down a month,

nobody would know
the diff.

What the hell's
keeping you here?

Now is not possible.

Fine.

You're blowing this, Bleuer.

Royally. And you know it.

I walk out that door,
that's it.

Fine.

Fine.

You can't rub BenGay
on a heartache.

We'll see you
when we get back.

Roy. Roy, wait up.

Dood.

Dood.

-[HORN HONKS]
-Hey, Bleuer.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

Oh. Hi, guys.

-You're so soft.
-[LAUGHS]

ROY: Come on. Get in.

[TEN CITY'S GOING TO A GO GO
PLAYING]

♪ Come on

♪ There's a brand new place
I found-a

♪ Where people come
from miles around-a

♪ They come from everywhere

♪ And if you'll drop in there

♪ You might see
anyone in town-a ♪

NED: I was surprised
Roy's dad let him borrow

his brand new convertible
for the trip.

Well, I guess
we were on a streak.

Roy even had us
a place to stay.
Right in Hollywood...

At his Uncle Harvey's.

Yeah, things were
really working out.

And for once,
I had a sense of direction.

ROY: I do all the talking.

No, I do all the talking.

-No, I do all the talking.
-Hey, it's my car.
I do all the talking.

If you're gonna
do all the talking,

we might as well
just turn around now.

I do all the talking.

Roy, if you do
all the talking,

we're never gonna
get past Mrs. MacDonald.

Mrs. MacDonald?
Who the hell's that?

-Mrs. MacDonald?
-She's Marilyn's housekeeper.

Then I'll do
all the talking with her.

-California. We're here.
-ROY: Relax, Dood.
It's a big state.

Really? I gotta
go to the bathroom.

ROY: Hold it.

SCOTT: Oh, hey, look,
the Capitol Records building.

-ROY: Where? I can't see it.
-There it is, right there.

ROY: Dood. Shut up.

NED: Are you sure
your Uncle Harvey's
expecting us?

Yeah.

Harvey.

-Yeah?
-Roy.

-Roy!
-Hey! Hey.

Oh.
How are you?
How are you?

-Good to see you.
-This is Scott and Ned.

All the way, I was gonna bet
there's a party going
on at Harvey's.

-Look at this, huh?
-Party? This isn't a party.

It's 200 people talking
about themselves.

Candi. Randi.

I want you to meet my nephew,
Roy, and his friends.

-Hi.
-BOTH: Hi, boys.

HARVEY: Now, girls,
you've got a really
big job ahead of you.

-Now, make sure
everybody gets a lei.
-[GIRLS CHUCKLE]

Come on, boys.
Let me show you around.

I love those twins.

So, Harve? Uh, what is
with the noisemaker?

Well, I had a few feet
snipped off.

Bandages come off tomorrow.
I'm very excited.

Get out of here.

You know, out of
the whole family,

Harvey got stuck with the real
blockbuster Armenian nose.

-Okay, Roy, very funny.
-You could land a plane on it.

It's true.

I mean, it took me
a while to angle it,

but this is the reason why
I haven't hit it big yet.

I mean, look at this face.

Take a close look
at this face.

What do you see?
Nose.

Wall-to-wall nose.

You're looking at
my future.

Andrea. I see
three empty hands.

What are we gonna
do about that?

Sorry, Harve. Here you go.

So Roy? You have a date
with Marilyn Monroe?

Well, yeah. I mean,
you'd take her out

if you could swing it,
wouldn't you?

Hell, I'd take out
her laundry if I could.

-But Marilyn Monroe?
-[CHUCKLES]

I'm proud of you, Roy.
Come here.

ROY: This is a great pad.

Go get me something here,
will you, please?
Oh, thank you.

Hey, everybody.
This is my nephew, Roy,

and that's Chip
and Skippy.

Scott. Look at this.

I want to
show you something.
Come here.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

Look at that, boys.

-[GASPS]
-That's Hollywood, Skippy.

-It's Scott.
-HARVEY: Yeah.

God, what a perfect place
for the West Coast.

Come on. Let's go
take a look. Come here.

Dood. Come on.

This is, uh,
where you're gonna
be able to sack out at night.

ROY: [CHUCKLES]
What is this, a tin can?

It's a bomb shelter, Roy.

Harve, a bomb shelter?

What's it doing
in your back yard?

HARVEY: Look, if you're
gonna buy one, you gotta
see what it looks like.

Harvey, you sell
bomb shelters?

Roy said you were
an actor.

Yes. Well, acting is my
profession of choice,

but every time I unload
one of these darlings,

I'm saving lives.

Plus, I'm, uh,
paying off the nose.

Yeah, look, Harvey, it's like
I said on the phone,
two, three days, tops.

We'll romance
and we'll canoe trip.

I'm on a train
for Basic on Saturday.

Sylvia. Delphine.
Come here.

-Come here, I want you
to meet somebody.
-[PEOPLE CHEERING]

-Oh!
-[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Uh, Sylvia? Delphine?
This is my nephew,
Roy, and his buds.

They're gonna be
staying with us, uh,
a couple, three days.

-Ladies.
-Welcome to Hollywood, fellas.

Hi. I'm Scott, uh, Foreman.

Thanks for talking to me.

-HARVEY: Gotta mingle.
Gotta mingle.
-[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Later, Harve.

You boys have
a good time.

"Thanks for talking
to me?"

I don't know
either of you.

Ah!

[CHUBBY CHECKER'S
LIMBO STAR PLAYING]

-SCOTT: Are we at Marilyn's?
-NED: Yeah, pull over, Roy.

ROY: Yeah, I know.

NED: 12305 Helena Drive.
This is it.

Nice house.

Okay, pea brains.
Remember, this is my show.

I do all the talking.

Let's make some history.

Dood, fix your hair.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks, guys.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKS]

Yeah?

Is Marilyn here?

[SIGHS] You got
the wrong house.

Is this 12305 Helena Drive?

That's the address.
But there's no Marilyn here.

Look, chief.
Uh... [CHUCKLES]

I don't know who you are,
but, uh, if you just tell her

the guys who
wrote her the letter
six years ago are here,

she'll want to see us.

You deaf?

Get the hell
off of my property.

We're not leaving
'til she comes out.

Roy. Uh, sir, please, uh,

people are usually being asked
the wrong questions,

so usually they end up giving
the wrong answers.

Uh, let me rephrase.

May we please see Marilyn?

Please.

You wanna see Marilyn?

I'll get her for you.

Don't move.

[DOOR SLAMMING]

Well, you see what happens
when we do all the talking?
Huh?

-Kill.
-[BARKS]

-Kill.
-Uh-oh. Dood.
Nice doggie.

Come on, guys. Dood.

Dood, he's gaining on you.

[SCOTT SCREAMS]

Okay, so I was wrong.
It wasn't Helena Drive.

It was Fifth Helena drive.

This time,
I'm absolutely sure.

-You're absolutely sure?
-Yeah. It says right here.

You better be right
this time, Bleuer.

I'm right. I'm right.

Look at this.
It's beautiful.

ROY: [CHUCKLES]
It's all right.
NED: This is gorgeous.

I hope there are
no dogs here.

[BLOWS]

Hello, is Marilyn home?

May I help you?

Yeah. We'd like to
talk to her.

What is this about?

It's private.

Do you have an appointment
with Miss Monroe?

No, but we thought if...

If you just tell her
Roy Darpinian,

Ned Bleuer
and The Dood are here,

we could skip the snow job,
sweetheart.

Right. Now, get
out of here
before I call the cops.

[SLAMS]

Well, let's just say
it's a perfect end
to a perfect day

and get something to eat.
My stomach is talking.

-Oh. Yeah.
-Wait a minute, guys.

What are we, men or mice?
Huh?

-What?
-We came here to do something,

and no ball-busting biddy
Hazel's gonna stop us.
Come on.

I'm giving you boys
fair warning.

The police department
is on its way.

The honest-to-God truth is...

She's my mother.

I didn't wanna say
anything at first,

'cause I didn't think
you'd buy it.

I mean, it's...
It's weird, you know?

When, after 18 years
of tears on your pillow,

you find out
who your real mom is.

And that your brothers...

Are just two pea brains
who sleep in the beds
next to you.

[NED CLEARS THROAT]

That's the truth,
on the Holy Bible.
I swear it.

[SIRENS WAILING]

I told you so.

We should go.
Come on, Roy.

You know, we only wanted to be
near her for a minute.

Maybe... Maybe wish her
a happy belated birthday.
That's all.

Let's go, Ned.
The cops are coming!

[SIREN STOPS]

[SIGHS]

So, uh, when
will he be returning?

Who knows? Roy doesn't
keep track of time too good.

Why, what's going on?

Nothing, nothing.
It's just, we, uh, no.

Well, he... We...

We work together in the,
uh, same garage,

and happened to misplace
one of the keys to the car.

And, uh, we were
hoping, you know,

that Roy would be able
to find those keys.

Well, all he told me...

He was gonna spend
some time with my brother,
Harvey, in Hollywood.

Then he took off.

Look, uh, if it's important,
I, uh, can phone him up there.

Oh. No, no.

No, I mean, we can wait.
This is nothing.

What's a few days?
Huh? Let's...

I wouldn't wait
any longer than that.

He'll be in
the Armed Forces on Saturday.

Well, thank you.

And, uh, sorry
for the bother.

Excuse us.

Hollywood.

♪ Just one look... ♪

Damn, Bleuer.
Did you read this?

"Her derriere looked like
two puppies fighting
under a silk sheet."

-Choice stuff. [CHUCKLES]
-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Don't anybody
jump down my throat,

but are we heading
home tomorrow?

No, we are not heading
home tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a whole
new ball game.

Why? We're never gonna
get past her housekeeper.

-Let's just call it quits.
-Dood.

You can't rub BenGay
on a heartache.

What does that mean?

It means, I don't rest
until she's mine.

That's what it means.

ROY:
Guys, we got this book.

We ought to be able
to track her down.

♪ A kiss on the hand

♪ May be quite continental

♪ But diamonds are...

SCOTT: The Ambassador?
Is this a hotel?

Boys.

ROY: I told you
she wouldn't be here.
She has a house.

Why would she be in a hotel?
Hotels have restaurants.

This happens to be
one of Marilyn's favorites.

♪ Or help you
at the Automat...

-Where are we going?
-Yeah. Where are we going?

ROY: Don't worry about it.
SCOTT: I'm hungry.

♪ And we all lose
our charms in the end...

[TIRES SCREECH]

-What is this place?
-A restaurant.

♪ These rocks don't lose
their shape...

-No luck, huh, Bleuer?
-Nah. Give me the book.

♪ Tiffany's

♪ Cartier

♪ Black Star, Frost, Gorham

♪ Talk to me, Harry Winston

♪ Tell me all about it

♪ But stiff back... ♪

Roy! Stop the car!
It's her!

It's her! I'd know
that walk anywhere!

-She just went in there!
-Where?

Right there! Look.
A blind guy could see her.

It's her! Roy, park the car!

I'm parking it, already!

All right, let's go.
Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

Roy, wait!

Marilyn!

Gracefully, guys.

Just like we came in.

Yeah.

[BOBBY DARIN'S DREAM LOVER
PLAYING]

♪ Every night
I hope and pray... ♪

NED: We were convinced
that Marilyn would love us
once she met us.

But we had to get her
to see us first.

So we parked
in front of her house,

determined to wait
until she noticed us.

F.

NED: There was this great game
we played to kill time.

F, U.

NED: The object of the game
was to use letters,

in order, without actually
spelling a word.

F, U, C.

NED: If you spelled a word,

you lost.

I quit.

-NED: Roy frequently quit.
-[SIGHS]

His vocabulary just didn't
include words like fuchsia.

But for some reason,
he always started
with the letter F.

Well...

Since we're gonna be out here
for the long haul,

why don't we
turn on some heat?

Here's one for you.

Take it.

One for you,
and one for me.

Reefers.

You're giving us reefers?

Little louder.

Don't think
they caught it at
the police station.

Are these standard now
in all the 62's, or...

I borrowed 'em
from Harvey.

-Borrowed?
-We're gonna go
straight to jail.

I know it. This is jail.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

ALL:
♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl

♪ I love, I love
I love my calendar girl

♪ Each and every day
of the year

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da

♪ January

♪ You start the year off fine

♪ February
You're my little valentine

♪ March, I'm gonna march you

♪ Down the aisle

♪ April, you're the Easter
Bunny when you smile

♪ Yeah, yeah
My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love
I love my little calendar girl

♪ Every... Every day...
Every day...

♪ Every day of the year ♪

NED: Gee.
ROY: Whoo.

Did you guys ever think,

if Mister Ed can really talk,

how come he never
complains about standing
in his own piss?

You know the only reason
I was born?

'Cause the drugstore
was closed on Sunday?

No.

[LAUGHING]

[SNORTS]

I was supposed
to be a girl,

to make up
for my sister.

Oh, you don't have a sister.

No, she died.

She was, uh...

I don't know, something.

My mother wanted
another girl so bad.

God, my mother.
[CHUCKLES]

I'll tell you, man.

When you're on top,
you're the best.

She digs a winner.

My old man, in his heyday,
she just...

He was king.

He used to get up for a fight
by canoeing her.

You could hear
the lockers banging.

[SNICKERS]

And then he got busted up
against Isherwood.

After that she just...

She don't respect him
no more, yeah...

Just like that.

He was down.

She wouldn't let him up.

Sometimes I'd sleep
outside their room
when it was fight night.

Go in and try to break it up.

[SNICKERS]

She's a singer now, you know?

[MOANS]

Oh, God.

God. God.

Becky's gonna have a cow.

Foreman, you are
such a candy-ass.

Man. I'm double-crossing her!

How are you
double-crossing her?

With Marilyn.

What?

I mean, we haven't
even met Marilyn.

-I'm a rat fink. Fink.
-We met her fence.

We met her door, her maid.

-Fink. Fink. Fink. Fink.
-We met with rejection.

Dood, Dood, Dood.

The only thing
you've done wrong, so far,

is getting a boner with
somebody else's name on it.

We're just here to say hello.

I still feel bad.

She loves me so much.

Why?

-It's the phony leg.
-Oh.

Will she still
love me this much
when I'm old and ugly?

You're ugly now.

That's the beauty of it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-What if Becky finds out?
-[LAUGHS]

-She'll think
I'm a drug addict.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

And then... And then
she'll tell my mom!

[SLOW SONG PLAYING]

Come on. Come on.
Let's go for a walk.

Good boy.

[ALL SNORING]

[WHISTLING]

[HUMMING CALENDAR GIRL]

Nice.

Tony Curtis.

Spartacus.

-Ooh.
-We got you now, Roy.

Where is the money?

Money? [GAGS]
I... I don't know what
you're talking about.

What?

What do you mean,
it's the wrong guy?

-[COUGHING]
-My apologies.

I hope that we haven't
injured you.

-Where is Roy?
-Roy?

I... I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Where is your nephew, Roy?

-Roy!
-Roy.

-Roy!
-Where is he?

I... I don't know.

Look, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't lie to you.

Uh, and-and I especially
wouldn't lie... H... He's out!

Yeah.

Time to go to work.

Uh... Excuse me?

W... Why is he...
He keep doing that?

See, he can't hear.

Sorry.

He speaks to me
with his hand.

And right now,

he's telling me
which one of your bones
we should break first.

Or do you have
a preference?

Uh-uh-uh. Uh, yeah.

N... Not, um...
Not the nose.

Don't... Please, please,
don't... Don't hurt the nose.
Okay?

Guys. Drop your socks
and grab your jocks.

Get a load of
who's coming out.

-Who is it? Marilyn?
-I don't know.
I can't make her out.

But the old lady's driving.

SCOTT: It looks like her.
NED: Yeah, it must be her.

We should go
before we lose her.

I'm up.
Let's put some tires
on the road.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

When we catch up with her,
you two pea brains shut up,
and I do all the talking.

Hey, the both of you,
shut up.

[HORN HONKING]

-You're getting
a little close, Roy.
-Yeah, I got it.

I think that's her.
Right there.

I can see her, Dood.
Thank you.

-What are you gonna do?
-ROY: Just give me a second.

MACDONALD:
Oh, dear. Those boys
are right behind us.

What should I do?

MARILYN:
I'm sure they're harmless.

-Just go a little faster.
-Okay.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You see this? You see this?
They're giving it the gun.

[HORN HONKING]

Let's go back and wait
outside her house.

BOTH: Let's just go back
to Indian Springs.

Jinx.

Shit.

-Not long now, baby.
-Marilyn must hate us.

She's gotta hate us.
I hate us.

Nobody hates nobody.
It's the chase, man.
They love it.

Brakes. Roy,
use the brakes.

Will you slow down?

-[WHINING INAUDIBLY]
-What?

What? Dood? Roy, Roy,
Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.

Unjinxed.

We just passed her car.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

-You guys okay?
-Yeah.

Hey.

[SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

That was her.

It was her.

[BOTH SIGH]

So, we fired a couple
of blanks.

You can't rub BenGay
on a heartache.

You made an instantaneous
decision to have
a car accident.

There's no editing process
between your brain and mouth.

-Yeah, I ain't
like you, Bleuer.
-Bull's eye.

You figure
everything to death.

You sit and you think.
You kill the day.

Look at that book
you carry around.

Sometimes you
gotta floor it.

Appropriate phraseology,
given our experience.

[REPEATS MOCKINGLY]

Just say,
"Fuck you, Roy." All right?

Fuck you will do,
without any thinking at all.

All right. Granted,
I... I do size up situations.

But not all the time.

Yeah, Ned. You do.
All the time.

See, I'm not just
making this up.

All right. Fine.

We don't even know
why we're here...

Don't start that shit
with me, Dood.

-You're really getting
on my nerves.
-But he's right.

I mean, we're just becoming
an irritation to her.

I don't want her to
remember me like this, Roy.

I'll tell you how we get
in her house.

We gotta find something...
Something...

Something that'll
move her, you know?

An ace, right to
the pump.

We gotta make her cry.

That's it.
That's how we get in.
We make her cry.

Any ideas?

Well, I... I remember
reading a story,

but I don't know, it's...
It's a really big stretch.

Hey. Anything
can be a plan.

-Let me hear it,
and I'll tell you.
-Here we go.

"She has a profound
empathy for animals,

"based on her own memories of
being unprotected as a child.

"Once, when it was raining,
she heard a calf mooing
just outside her door.

"She tried to bring
the calf inside,

"because she thought
the farmer had forgotten

"and left it outside
to get soaked."

This is a jackpot.

"It took Jim, who was
her husband at the time,

"over an hour
to convince Norma Jean

"that cows didn't mind
standing out in the rain."

Oh, but they do.
They hate it.

This is it. This is 100%
what we gotta do.

His eyes are
bugging out again.

We gotta boost a cow.

That's it.
We gotta boost a cow.

No way, Roy. I mean,
I... I reject that idea.

We're not boosting
a cow, okay?

We're... We're not
boosting a cow.

HARVEY: Roy? Roy?

Hey.

Where have you been all night?

-ROY: What do you mean?
-Do you know a couple of
dinosaurs named Gallo?

Well, they came by last night
to beat your brains out.

But, luckily for you,
I was able to fend them off
with my nose.

I don't believe this.

Gallo? Aren't those
the guys you work with?

What are they
doing here, Roy?

Roy, what are
they doing here?

I sort of, uh...
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I sort of palmed
a grand for the trip.

You stole their money?

Technically,
it wasn't their money.

They seem convinced
that it is.

To come all the way
to another state?

They told me to tell you
that if you give them
back their money,

you can keep
your thumbs.

New rule. No relatives.

NED: Roy figured
the Gallos would never
look for us at Marilyn's.

Besides, we were on a mission.

I'll tell you something.

Women are gonna be
around a lot longer
than anyone expected.

And that's a fact.

Roy, you're like 10 pounds
of shit in a five-pound bag.

What are you two pea brains
gonna do after I'm gone? Huh?

Who's gonna keep you up on
the latest advancements?

Hey, you're not the only
source on women anymore.

I mean, that was fine when
we were kids, but I'm 18 now.

My body has been fondled
by hands that are not my own.

And I'm getting married
next month.

A lot of good that's gonna do.
The blind canoeing the blind.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, says who, Darpinian?

You?

Everybody knows
you've been carting around

the same rubber in your wallet
for three years.

Two virgins. That shouldn't
happen to anybody.

Yeah. Well, whatever Becky
and I need to know,

we'll get from each other.

MAN: Okay?
WOMAN: All right.

NED: Jesus. That's her.
SCOTT: Where?

The black hair
and the sunshades.
It's a disguise.

-She uses it on saps like us.
-It's not her.

NED: That's her.
ROY: Bleuer, you're cracked.

It's not her body.
It's not her walk.
It's not her.

NED: Here.

"She prowls the streets
of New York sometimes

"in her black wig
and kerchief.

"But what most often
gives her away

"are the huge
aviator sunglasses
she adds to this disguise."

[SNIFFING]

Do you smell it?

-Chanel No. 5.
-Let's go.

NED: Oh, I see her.
There. She's...
She's turning right.

Don't lose her, Roy.

SCOTT: No accidents, Roy.
Do not ram her.

Yeah, I got it, Dood.
I got it.

SCOTT: Hey, look.
It's the Pacific.

-ROY: Really? Where?
-Right there.

-ROY: Where?
-Right... Oh, shut up,
Darpinian.

A nude beach.

ROY: Jackpot.

Naked women are more fun
than anybody.

Roy. Roy.

Roy, I have enough trouble
getting naked in front
of a mirror.

Perfect. It's wide open.
There's no place she can run.

Except across the water.

She's good, Bleuer,
but she ain't no Jesus.

-I can't do it, Roy.
-Dood.

This is it.
This is it.

Do you want to see
her naked, in the flesh?

She's right down there.

I bet there's a million guys
who'd kill to be
in our feet right now.

Okay, okay. But, why do we
have to get naked?

-Why can't we go down
there like this?
-Yeah?

Look. If you two mice
wanna stay up here
and play pocket pool,

I'll go down there myself.

It don't matter to me.

Ladies.

Oh, my God. Ned, I can't
go down there.

What about my leg?
People are gonna laugh.

-Here, Foreman.
-Oh, thank you.

Oh, Bleuer. A little
light reading, huh? Good.

All right, guys.
Let's go.

Oh. God, I love
this place.

What do you say
we wait till she comes out
of the water, huh?

I'll be selling her
the idea,

and a big wave will come
and wash me out to sea.

NED: Look. It's Marilyn.
In the black wig.

I need to lay down
for a minute.

I just have to lay down.

Do you know how you're
going to ask her?

Yeah, I figure I'll say
something with my eyes.

I got this thing
worked up with my eyes.

One look, she's Velveeta.

In other words, we've...
We've come all this way,

and you haven't devoted
one iota of your brain
to this, have you?

ROY: Guys, let's go.

Now, remember, guys, I do
all the talking. You got it?

NED: All right. All right.
Make it good, Roy.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, my, uh, faithful
companions here say

they're gonna murder me
for saying this to you,

but I think you're a woman who
can understand when I say,

I just wanna lay
on top of you

and see where it goes
from there.

You're dreamin', bud.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Roy.

Oh, shit.

SCOTT: What?

This beach just got
very small.

-WOMAN: Oh.
-MAN: Hey.

MAN: It's a nude beach.
What's the matter with you?

-In the water. Come on.
-Water?

I can't swim.

-That's the whole angle.
Neither can they.
-I can't swim.

If you guys ever thought
about following me before,
now's the time.

I ain't kidding.
Come on. Let's go.

What about my bible?

I can't swim!

WOMAN: Squares.

Hey, hey, hey.
Careful, it's wet.

ANTONIO: Hey, Roy.
No more running.

We got you.

You're stuck, pal.

ROY: Hey, I didn't know
you guys were in town.

Might as well come in, guys.
The water's nice.

NED: Guys, is that her?

Hey. Oh, my God.

-Look. There she is.
-Man, what is this?

Are we cursed, or what?

Hey, Roy.
We're not leaving
this beach.

I hate you, Roy.
I hate you.

First, you get me naked,
then you get drowned.

This isn't fun anymore.

So, how long would you
estimate we're gonna be
out here for?

Well, there are
two things that'll slow
the Gallo brothers down.

Either they die,
or they get hungry.

Which is more likely to happen
in our lifetimes?

ROY: F.

NED: F-U.

SCOTT: F-U-C.

I quit.

You wanna eat? Now?
What about Roy?

That's true, we do know
where he's staying.

Let's eat.

ROY: It's been
two and a half hours.
Let's get out of here already.

SCOTT: Are you sure it's safe?
ROY: Yeah, it's safe, Dood.

Well... Well, they could
be hiding behind a rock
waiting to ambush us.

Dood, just shut up
and let's go.

I can't believe it.
God damn it.

Six... Six years.

Six years it took me
to put this together.

It has all the Life articles
ever written about her.

They're all
completely soaked.

These pictures, I... I haven't
seen them anywhere else...

Bleuer. Will you clam up about
your stinking bible already?

Right there. We were
this close. This close.

I'll tell you,
first thing we gotta do...
We gotta boost a cow.

Oh, forget the cow, Roy.
Can we forget the damn cow?

Just for... I wanna go home.

Becky's gotta be going nuts.

Dood. I ain't gonna
say this again.

We go home when
I say we go home. Got it?

Fine. Then I'll just take
the car when you're asleep.

-Yeah, and who's
gonna drive it?
-I am.

Really? Who's gonna pump
the gas pedal?

Well, who do you think?

With what, Dood? Huh?

With what?

You got born
with the wrong leg.

We are going home.

Son of a bitch. He stuck
his gum in my armpit.

We're going home.

[CHUCKLES]
Foreman, your ass is grass.

I have a life ahead
of me Darpinian.

-And I wanna be there for it.
-So, you can't rub

-BOTH: BenGay on a heartache.
-Jinx!

You better figure out a way to
get this Bazooka outta my pit.

-I said jinx, you have
to be quiet...
-Forget jinx.

I caught you. I caught you.

So, what're you
gonna do? Huh?

You gonna make me shut up?

Is that what you're
gonna do? Huh? Come on.

-Jinx. Jinx.
-Why don't...

Don't butt in, Bleuer.
This is between him and me.

Come on. Get angry.
Make a fist.

-Put my lights out.
Let's go.
-Roy.

-Roy, stop.
-Roy, I really don't...

Come on. How can you
stomach this?

Punch me. Punch me.

Hit me so hard,
I'll never forget it.

Does Becky know what a gimp
mouse she's getting?

Get off me!

-[GRUNTING]
-You hit like a chick.

-Guys, stop it.
-[GRUNTING]

Dood, cut it out.

[COUGHS]

Roy. I'm sorry.

[PANTS]

Ah, I had it coming.

[CHUCKLES]

You got me pretty good.

That's the way it goes.

-NED: Nobody said
anything about the fight.
-[COUGHING]

And the next morning,
we were too busy preparing

for the Gallo brothers
to care.

Hot plate, guys. Hot plate.

I don't see how laying out
food's gonna solve anything.

Trust me, Bleuer.
I never finish anything
I don't start.

What does that mean?

-What time is it?
-It's, uh, 02:09.

The Gallos, they're always
on time when someone's
getting pulverized.

Is somebody here getting
pulverized today?

You can use initials if whole
names give away too much.

It's better if I don't
say nothing.

You're gonna give 'em
their money back?

-Right, Roy?
-There's no point to that.

They want it all.
What do you think
we've been spending?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

On the dot.

Oh, one thing.
With the Gallos,

any gunplay,
just duck and cover.

What?

Arturo. Antonio.
Thanks for using the door.

Come in. Come in.
Don't be shy.

What a surprise.

Hey, guys.
Look who it is.

Hi. How... How are you?

Roy? You're a hard man
to track down.

Not really. You guys are
just easy to shake.

Hungry?

Roy, that was
a very awful thing you did,
taking that money from us.

I know. And I feel terrible.

And I hate putting you guys
on the line like this,

but I'm tapped. No alibi.

So, how about you just eat up
and wax me? Okay?

Arturo, bad news.
He doesn't have the money.

That's his plan?
"Eat up and wax me?"

Hey. Roy.

I want you to understand
that we don't want
to harm you.

Yeah, you've been
kind to us.

That's sweet. Yeah.

But we must do
what we are told.

Hey, I ain't complaining.

You guys wanna bust me up?
Go for it.

Arturo says we're gonna
have to break all your fingers

-and, maybe...
What do you think? A leg?
-[GASPING]

Maybe a leg?

Yeah? But we're gonna try
to break them in places

where it would be
easier to mend.

That's fair.

Roy. You're not gonna
let them do this to you.

These guys break bones
for a living.

It's what they do,
their job.

I'm part of their job.
It'll get better.

Run, Roy.
It's a better plan.

OFFICER:
Police. Open up!

Everybody up against
the wall and spread 'em.

-What'd we do?
-This isn't happening.

Roy Darpinian, Scott Foreman
and Ned Bleuer, we have
a warrant for your arrest.

For trespassing
and compound aggravation
of a Miss M. Monroe.

-No. That's not possible.
-She wouldn't
do that to us.

OFFICER:
The complaint was filed
this morning.

-They're clean.
-Cuff 'em.

-What are you
two doing here?
-Nothing.

We're just, uh,
visiting our good friend, Roy.

-Beat it.
-Roy. Roy!

-Hold it right there.
-Whoa!

-What's going on?
-Who are you?

Harvey Dar... Darpinian.
I... I live here.

-Can you prove it?
-I can prove it.

My initials are
on the doormat.

These men are
under arrest.

You two again.

Well, well, well.
Why am I not surprised?

No, no. Not these men.
These men.

These men? No, officer.
You've made a mistake.

I filed a complaint against
these men yesterday
for breaking and entering.

For breaking my nose
last night.

-I want you to arrest
them right now.
-Officer. Officer.

We would... We would be
very happy to leave,

if first we could just shake
hands goodbye with Roy.

-Officer, these...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it. That's it.

Nobody moves,
nobody gets hurt. All right?

-Put the gun down.
-HARVEY: Roy, listen to him.

-Everybody, back.
-Roy.

Stop or I'll shoot.

Anybody wants to talk to me,
you talk to Uncle Sam.

-Freeze!
-No, Roy!

[ROY GASPS]

Now, Ken.

It just went off by itself.
I swear I didn't...

Oh, my God.

Roy? Roy?

Get away, you animals!

-SCOTT: Is he breathing?
-Oh. You better get
an ambulance.

-Is he alive?
-OFFICER: Ken, move!

It's too late.

Oh, my God. He's dead.

Please, pay our respects
to his father.

OFFICER: I never meant
for that to happen.

HARVEY: Roy. Oh, no, Roy.

Roy. G... Oh, G...

[SOBBING]

Roy, you didn't
have to, Roy.

You didn't have to, Roy.

-You didn't have to. You...
-[GAGS]

Dood. You're castrating me.
Mwah.

-You're alive!
-Yep.

Not bad for
a dead guy, huh?

Damn you, Darpinian.

Well, why didn't
you tell us?

They had to buy it all,
everything.

You got the face, Dood.

These really aren't police?

No, no, no. But they're
convincing, aren't they?

I want you to meet Steve
and Ernie, fellow thespians.

And, then, fellas? Don't break
into spontaneous applause.

Uh, Steve? Can I see you
for a minute?

Now, what is this,
uh... This line that
you used on me,

"Can I prove it?"

Well, I was improvising.

We rehearsed for
a half hour...

It was getting flat...

[ALL TALKING]

You could've at least
said something.

Let me give you
a fact, okay?

If a guy walked through
the door right now
with a gun and said,

"I'm gonna shoot one of you.
Who's it gonna be?"

I'd tell him to shoot me.

Without even thinking,
100% percent me.

Well, you know what
we have to do now?

We gotta go boost a cow.

[WILSON PICKETT'S
DON'T FIGHT IT PLAYING]

♪ You'd better get on up...

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ And get that groove... ♪

Yes. We're taking...
We're doing it.

Hard left.

-Into the...
Into the trailer.
-[MOOING]

What do you boys want
a cow for, anyway?

Uh, it...
It's for a, uh...

Uh, a religious ceremony
that, uh, we perform.

[MOOING]

Whoa.
Whoa. Oh.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

It's a... It's a...

A celestial thing
that we like to do.

-You must be from Hollywood.
-Yeah.

This cow oughta jump
at the chance to meet Marilyn.

All right, on three.

It... It's for my mother.

[WHINING]

It's gonna cost you more.

Yes. Go.

Take it home.

[MOOING]

♪ You're too much, baby

♪ I'd like to
make you mine...

We're gonna try again.

Roy? This cow
moves for no man.

Rosie?
Get in the trailer.

[MOOING]

♪ So don't fight it, oh baby ♪

[MOOING]

I would walk miles
through the desert,

just to help you on
with your coat.

Oh. Well, that'll
impress her.

Come on, Dood. She's gonna
think you're a sap.

How about
I just say the truth?

I'm sorry for all
the trouble I've caused,

but I just had to meet you
once before I died.

Why don't you go back to,
"Hi, my name is Scott Foreman.
Thanks for talking for me."?

[LAUGHS]

What are you gonna say, Roy?
And it better not be any

"I wanna lay on top
of you" stuff.

You can't say that to Marilyn.

Well? Roy?

All right. I make it in.

I say...

I love you.

I love you more than
I've loved any woman.

I've waited for you
longer than I've waited
for any woman.

I'm a man
on my knees.

Roy, did you just
make that up?

-It's good stuff, isn't it?
-Yeah.

Oh, you didn't make that up.
The first part's from
Gone With the Wind.

-[NED LAUGHS]
-Yeah, but I added
the stuff about the knees.

-The knees are cherry.
-[CHUCKLES]

-[WATER SPLASHING]
-[MOOING]

[MOOING LOUDER]

[MOOING]

[MARILYN GIGGLING]

They're very funny.

I'll take care of 'em.

Hey. You wanna
moo for a while?
I... I'll do the water.

No, I don't.
I'm not good at a cow.

Moo. Moo.

All right, boys.

Moo.

Enough is enough.

Miss Monroe thinks
you're very amusing,

but it's time to stop now.

You in the bush! Let's go!

Jackpot.

[SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

[MARILYN TALKING
BEHIND DOOR]

MARILYN: I'm not sure.

MARILYN: Yes?

Marilyn.
How you doing?

Oh. I'm sorry,
you're on the phone.

Listen, could you get off?
I don't have a lot
of time here.

Ha. [CLEARS THROAT]

[SNIFFS]

Hi. I'm Roy Darpinian.

Thanks for talking to me.

Miss Monroe wants this cow
off her property. Shoo. Shoo.

We're trying, ma'am.

I suppose asking you
for a little help's not
a terrific idea.

Maybe you could
hold up some grass?
Ma'am?

Oh, no.

Miss Monroe.

Miss Monroe.

-Well?
-What time and where?

-[DOOR CLOSING]
-She said no.

[COW MOOING]

WAITRESS:
Order coming right up.

Of course she said no.

I mean, what's she gonna say?

A guy breaks into her house
and asks her out on a date.

She's gonna say no.

Well, for the hell of it,
I left Harve's number.

Oh, I'm sure she'll call.

So, how about it, Roy?

"Get lost."
That's what she said.

She didn't say, "Get lost."

Marilyn doesn't talk
like you do, Roy.

She said, "Get lost."

Or "Get going" or
"Get off the bed."

I... I can't remember.

How did she look up-close?

Did... Were her eyes
half open? Did she
ever close her mouth?

Roy, you gotta understand.
You were with her.

I mean, you got close enough
to make a... A difference.

W... We just want a handout.

All right.

She was just
lying there.

I gave her my best shot.
She said no.

I don't beat a dead horse
for no woman.
I don't care who she is.

We should have just gone
for Elizabeth Taylor.

This is so depressing.

We don't even deserve
to be mice.

Well, look, guys. Just 'cause
we choked with Marilyn Monroe

doesn't mean we have
to go home with nothing.

I mean, we can still
turn this trip around.

What? And spoil
our rotten time?

What are you talking about?

We're forgetting
where we are.

I mean, we're in Hollywood.
We've been here all this time,

and we're still
on the front porch.

I mean, come on.
As... As far as I'm concerned,

tonight, the only thing that
should matter should be us.

We oughta be out there
doing everything.

Everything we've never
done before...

And some things we have
but wouldn't mind doing again.

Huh?

[CAPITOLS' COOL JERK PLAYING]

♪ Cool jerk

♪ Cool jerk

♪ Cool jerk... ♪

ANNOUNCER: Here
in the heart of Hollywood.

At the premiere of Barabbas.

Let's see who I see.
Huh, it is.

It's Mr. James Darren.

-One of the true
great movie stars.
-[PEOPLE CHEERING]

ROY: Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy. Hey,
I saw your last four movies.

I want my three bucks back.

-[SHUSHING]
-Guns of Navarone. Too loud.

-Roy. Roy.
-[LAUGHING]

It's Dean Martin.

Hey, hey, hey. Dino.

Hey, Dino. Over here.
Hey, Dino.
I saw your last movie.

Find yourself
another Jerry!

Roy. [SHUSHING]
Everybody's staring
at you, okay?

Why, what's the problem? Never
gonna see these people again.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Chubby Checker.

Yes, The Twist...

Holy shit.
What's he doing here?

Hey. Hey, Chubby.
Chubby, hey.

Hey, Chubby. Hey, Chubby.
Chubby. Over here. Hey.

♪ Let's twist again

ALL: ♪ Like we did
last summer

♪ Yeah, let's twist again

♪ Like we did last year

♪ Do you remember when
things were really hummin'?

♪ Yeah, let's twist again
Twistin' time is here ♪

-I like that.
-[LAUGHTER]

You, Chubby.

Like your shoes.

Hey, hey.
Put me down.

Bye, Chubby.
I'm Ned.

I don't believe it.
He was talking to us.

-NED: Where did Roy go?
-He's over there.

Ladies. Ladies.
Hi, my name is Roy.

I'll be your escort
this evening. Come on, guys.

I don't believe this.

Come on, guys.
Let's go.

-SCOTT: He wants us to go.
-Well, let's go then. Come on.
Go. Go.

♪ Whoo
Cool Jerk

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

NED: Grauman's wasn't
the only place we got
thrown out of.

We got bounced from
all the best clubs.

Some of them twice.

But Roy kept promising
the best was yet to come.

[TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING]

SCOTT: Oh. Oh. No.

No, there's no way
I'm doing that.

This is where you make
your stand, Dood.

For life. You don't
forget today.

Becky would throw a fit
if she saw one of those on me.

So get it someplace
she'll never figure to look.

She's gonna be my wife.

In 80 years she'll know
every inch of my body.

Get it on your pecker.

So, who's not supposed
to notice that thing
on your butt?

Oh. Yeah, Roy. Yeah.
"Born Raise Hell?"

Well, my old man took me in
when I was 10, all right?

But made me get it
on my ass in case one day

-I get sick of looking at it.
-Your father got you tattooed
when you were 10?

-Yeah.
-Uh-huh. Since when?

After my mom split,
whatever I wanted.

He didn't care what I did.

Hell, I don't even know why
he wanted me to stick around.

See, but I got no more use
for my old man.

I'm going somewhere
where people'll give me
some respect, listen to me.

Is that the only reason
you joined up?

Because of your Dad?
Didn't it occur to you

that he wanted you to stay
because he needed you more?

Oh, yeah.
It occurred to me.

Every Saturday morning
when he made me step
in the ring with him,

so he could
hand me my ass.
Come on. Pick a tattoo.

It could be he hit you
because it was the only...

Scott! This ain't the damn
Andy Griffith Show.

When I'm gone,
he ain't gonna miss me
one stinking bit.

Are you gonna miss him?

No.

He's a loser.

If he had any guts, he'd have
bought it in Korea,
like your old man.

Why do either of you have
to die to let the other one
know you're still alive?

I mean, Jesus, Roy.
You still have
your father, and...

And you don't even...

You just don't get it, do you?

I would do anything
to have my father back
for five minutes, you know?

Five minutes.

Just to talk to.

I have so few memories of...
Of my father.
And you know, I...

Every day I lose
something else.

I look at pictures
and, uh...

And I don't know who
I'm looking at.

Well, at least you know
your old man loved you.

He was a hero. He gave you
someone to respect.

Who cares if
he was a hero, Roy?

He's dead.

He's dead.

I can't even tell him
about this, and...

SCOTT: It's okay, Ned.

It's all right.

All right. Who's next?

Oh... Him. Him. Him.

NED: Roy got
"Property of the U.S.A."
tattooed on his butt.

-[PHONE RINGING]
-And then the Dood passed out.

We carried him home
and crashed in Harvey's
living room.

-[SCOTT SNORING]
-[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, I think Harvey's
sleeping right now.

Why don't... Why don't you
call back tomorrow?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, come on.
I'm beat. I don't...

Well, you don't sound
like Marilyn.

Holy shit. Uh...

Yes. He is. Uh...

I'm sorry. Why don't you...
Please. Please hold on.

R... Roy! Get up.
Darpinian.

-Mmm. What?
-It's her. She's on the phone.

She wants to talk.

-Who?
-Marilyn.

-Really?
-I told you she'd call.

Didn't I tell you?
What did I tell you, huh?

I can't believe
she's calling us.

For God's sake,
just be nice.

Yeah? This is Roy.

Uh-huh, a soft top.

Yeah, no sweat.
Give me 20 minutes.

I knew she'd call.
She can't sleep.

She wants to take a drive down
the Pacific Coast Highway.

Wow.

-I gotta go.
-NED: Wait, Roy.

Go in there and take a shower.
And use soap... And water.

You're at least gonna do
something about your breath.

Right?

My breath is fine.

You can't smell
your own breath.
And it's not fine.

HARVEY: It's not funny.
It's never happened before.

-Hey. Hey, hey.
-[SHRIEKS]

People are sleeping here.

Sorry, Harvey. I gotta get
into your closets to find
some clothes for Roy.

I need something clean
and really good-looking.

What time is it?

Roy got the date
with Marilyn. [CHUCKLES]

There. Happy now?

Thank you. You're gonna
thank me for it.

Oh. I still think that's
way too much Vaseline.

No. It's enough.

Yeah, for a petroleum field.
Get undressed, Roy.

You know, now would be a great
time to try some Q-tips.

-I don't see
clothes coming off.
-I gotta find my keys.

Roy. Roy, come
back here. Roy.

Roy, you're not getting
out of here until
you shower, shave,

brush your teeth, put on
different clothes

and go through a huge
evolutionary change.

-Mmm-hmm.
-[TEARING]

-What are you doing, Bleuer?
-You're not wearing
these clothes.

[CHUCKLES]

And how come the way
I dress never bugged either
of you before? Huh?

Because you never went out
with anyone we ever
respected before.

Listen to us,
Roy, okay?

Just... Just for
a second, listen.

All right? It's not only you
out there with her.

It's us. It's Harvey.
It's every guy
you've ever met.

Everything you do
from tomorrow on
is already nothing.

It's never going to be as good
as it is tonight. Never.

[SCOFFS] Jeez,
it's only a date.

It's only a date, Roy?

-Why did it have to be you?
I mean, anybody else.
-[LIGHTER CLICKING]

Anybody.

[WATER RUNNING]

Why don't you just
take her, Bleuer?

Come on, Roy.
The shower's on.

Bleuer. You take her.

-Roy, I'm serious.
-So am I.

Somebody's gonna
be late.

She'll have a better
time with you.

How can I take her?
She made the date with you.

So tell her I sprained
my ankle, and I can't
leave the house.

Tell her anything you want.
She'll go for it.

Are... Are you serious?

Do you want me
to take her?

She's waiting for somebody.

I just wanna
canoe her, man.

You're the one
who's carrying the torch.

Go on, get in the shower.

-Go.
-Uh...

NED: He gave me his date.

Roy-Badass-Darpinian
gave me his date.

Maybe he was scared.

Maybe he just didn't
want to take a bath.

There was one
condition, however.

His shoes.

Some part of him
had to be out there.

Who are we kidding?
I'm gonna be back here
in 10 minutes.

Give her heat.

SCOTT: God, I wish
I were you.

ROY: Dood?
Tell me something.

Who would you have taken
if you'd won that contest?

Ball-park figure?

What contest?

You know,
that Howdy Doody thing?

Remember, way back?

-I probably would have
gone with Becky.
-Becky.

You didn't know Becky.
How could you take Becky?

You said today.

Are we talking
about today, or...

What are we talking about?

Roy. I could never choose
between you and Ned.

You're both my best friends.

How could I hurt one of you
by taking the other?

Is that what you were
looking for?

Ah, Dood.

You're so soft.

I always figured
the only reason

you hung around with me
was because of Bleuer.

No. That's not true.

I'm... Used to you.
You know?

You never let me
off the hook, ever.

I always end up doing
what you want me to do,
even if I feel guilty.

So, what you're saying is...
You don't like me

because I get you drunk,
but you do like me

because I stick around
to watch you throw up?

Yeah. Heh.
Something like that.

NED: Surprisingly, I actually
made it her house.

She spent a real long time
getting ready.

I took that as a compliment.

The knot in my stomach was
the size of a bowling ball.

What was I gonna say to
the world's greatest woman?

I mean, Roy could
give me the date,

but he couldn't give me
a personality.

And then, suddenly,
there she was.

I couldn't take
my eyes off her.

Which made driving rough.

But I figured,
if I died right now,

it would be the high point
of my life.

She didn't say anything.
She just stared at the ocean.

And I just stared at her.

The silence was deafening.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

I was never so glad
to see a cop.

Uh, I know I wasn't
going too fast.

Oh, it's...
It's probably like a...

Like a taillight
or something, or...

I don't know, uh...

[SIREN TURNS OFF]

Don't worry.
I'll handle it.

Is there some problem,
officer?

I... I know
I wasn't speeding.

Take out your driver's license
and registration.

Uh, yes, sir.

Are you aware
the car you are driving

was reported stolen
four days ago?

No. I... I wasn't.

We're borrowing it
from a friend of ours,

who borrowed it
from his dad.

Jesus, that does sound
pretty bad.

Registration?

I... I can't find it.
I... I mean...

Please, sir,
you have to believe me.

This car can't be stolen.
It's... We borrowed it.

I... I swear to you
on my father's grave. We...

MARILYN: I'm sure
this is Mr. Darpinian's
car, officer.

Um, I'm so bad
with first names.

-It's, uh...
-Eddie.

Well, as a matter of fact,
that is the registered
owner's name. Eddie Darpinian.

That's Roy's dad.

I'm sorry, Miss Monroe.
It's probably a mistake
out at Dispatch.

It happens.

You better have
your friend here get
this car home, pronto.

-Yes, sir.
-Ma'am?

Could I trouble you
for an autograph?

Uh, to Fred.

Good evening, ma'am.

Happy motoring.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Thank you.

♪ Out of my dreams

♪ Just like a wave
to the shore...

It's nice here.

It's perfect, Ned.

♪ You came into
my world

♪ And I know

♪ Just hoping you'll hold me

♪ Tonight, I understand

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ The magic
of the moment

♪ You are here

♪ I touch you

♪ I hold you... ♪

NED: Being with her
was a dream come true.

I was floating.

-She wasn't like a movie star.
-Tell me, where are you from?

She talked about
regular things.

She mostly wanted
to know about me,

who I was,
how I wound up
on her doorstep.

She made it
so easy to talk.
It just flowed.

I told her about
the trip to Hollywood.

About Roy and the Dood.

Everything we went through
to meet her.

When I told her
about the nude beach,

she laughed.

I made her laugh.

[LAUGHING]

Then she said
I was really lucky
to have good friends.

I didn't think much about it,
but I just went on about

the first autograph she sent,
and the Bible,

and how she cut
the strings on Howdy

and became my number one hero.

And I thought
she'd laugh again,
but she didn't.

I don't know, Ned.

I'd rather be your friend
than your hero.

Friends last longer.

♪ With your smile

♪ And I believe

♪ What your eyes...

I wish
these were diamonds.

♪ The magic
Of the moment

♪ Is now and always

♪ With you

♪ Magic of the moment

♪ The magic
of the moment...

-Thanks for
the drive, Ned.
-Yeah.

♪ The magic of the moment

♪ Is now and always

♪ With you

♪ With you ♪

NED: Roy. Dood.
Where are you guys?

Bleuer. Bleuer.
You son of a bitch.

-You went for it.
What happened?
-[LAUGHING]

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

Get this guy
to a confessional.

-What happened?
-Well, it was incredible.

I mean, it was unbelievable.
She's... She's the most
incredible woman.

She's... She's not at all
like her films, you know?

She was actually
flattered that we found
her so attractive.

Wait a minute.
Before you tell me anything,
how was the canoe trip?

Well, uh, I hate
to disappoint you, Roy,

-but I... I...
-No. No. No.

Don't even te...

First, you mooch my date,
and then you don't
even canoe her?

-The Dood could've done that.
-None of us would've.

I would've done it.

If I'm taking her on a date,
I'm gonna leave her something
to remember me by.

Don't worry, Roy.
She'll remember you.

I gave her your shoes.

Hey, what's
the big idea?

You're the big idea.

Home, Dood.

I can't. I can't.

We're sick of hearing
you say that. "I can't."

Know what? That's not even
your word anymore.

From now on, when you don't
wanna do something,

your new word is,
"I'm a pussy."

You got that?
"I'm a pussy."

-"I'm a pussy."
-What if I get into
an accident?

It won't matter.

You don't have a license,
you don't have insurance,

and you're driving
a stolen car.

Should I?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Hey. Hey!
Where you going?

Hey, Roy. Where...
Where you going?

-Sorry, Harve. We gotta split.
-What about Marilyn?

You didn't tell me
about the date.

-You owe me some details.
-[CAR STARTS]

This is no way
to treat a relative.

Harvey, I was gonna come in,
but I thought it was too late.

BOTH: Bye, Harve.

Call me.

[OTIS REDDING'S
RESPECT PLAYING]

[CAR HONKS]

♪ What you want

♪ Honey, you got it...

NED: Dood held that wheel
like he'd never let go.

It was fun.

I'd never seen Darpinian
in the back seat.

Things had definitely changed.

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Yeah, yeah...

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪ Honey, if you want it... ♪

NED: Roy, check this out.

-All right.
Give 'em hell, Dood.
-[CHUCKLES]

-[TIRES SCREECH]
-There, there, there.

NED: Even though we were
scared to death,

we decided to let Dood
drive all the way home.

We were cutting it close.

Roy was shipping out
that afternoon.

But he said he still had
some personal business
to take care of first.

Brought your car back.

There's about 50 or 75
bucks' worth of damage.

I figured you
for gone already.

It's Saturday.

I got ring time coming.

Okay.

Put 'em up.

Get 'em up

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

What's gotten into you?

Nothing. I just, uh...

Had a few minutes
to kill before I got
on the train, and I...

I wanted to spend 'em
with you. [SOBBING]

I want you
to have this, Roy.

You sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Wedding won't be
the same without you.

-You know all your kids
are gonna look like this guy?
-[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

Don't die over there.

Shit. That's the last thing
I'm gonna do.

Don't get crazy.

I'm gonna
miss you, Roy.

Thanks for
getting me out of town.

Um, give 'em some heat.

Yeah.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard.

NED: I was gonna miss him.

Roy was the kind of guy
who pushed you into life.

He forced us to become men
a little faster.

I kind of felt sorry
for the Army, though.

God, they were actually
gonna give Roy a gun.

REPORTER [ON RADIO]:
The Dodgers trounce
the Mets 10-to-2.

The present temperature
is 88 degrees,

and the relative humidity
is 48.

And the wind is calm.

Sad news
from Hollywood today.

Screen star Marilyn Monroe
was found dead this morning
in her Brentwood home.

Thirty-six-year-old actress
was discovered
by her housekeeper,

the apparent victim of
an overdose of sleeping pills.

The suicide is a tragic end
to a glamorous career.

Miss Monroe was beloved
the world over,

and received over 5,000
fan letters a week.

In a recent interview,
the star was quoted as saying

that she "never knew
happiness as a child,

"and therefore never took it
for granted as an adult."

Sad, the world mourns
the passing of Marilyn Monroe.

Dead at 36.

NED: When Marilyn said
I was lucky to have friends,
she was right.

I did have good friends.

The best.

But it seemed unlikely
I'd make any new ones.

What was wrong with me?

I could kiss a movie star,

but I couldn't say
one word to this girl.

I'm glad Roy wasn't there
to witness the big cop-out.

He would've been all over me.

Bleuer, you gotta go for it.

-No guts, no glory.
-Come on, one more.

And then I thought,
what the hell?

You can't rub BenGay
on a heartache.

[ALL TALKING]

GUY: Get her in there.
Let's go.

How many so far?

Um... Uh...
You're 11, I think.

Well, uh, under
the circumstances,
I'm, uh, Ned.

Ned Bleuer.

I'm Melissa Smock.

Smock? Oh, uh... Uh...

-Smock.
-[GIGGLES]

NED: So I made a date
with Miss Smock.

That was brave.

Just saying her name is brave.

I got a letter from Roy
the other day,
which shocked me.

Who knew he could
read or write?

He said he was thinking
about the summer,

and realized that
the thing about it

was it never would have
happened if we didn't show up.

You know what scares me?

I understand him.

And even more,
I think he's right.

Nothing ever happens
if you don't show up.

♪ Love can be a shame

♪ I know of a fool
you see

♪ For that fool is me

♪ Tell me why...

You poor, poor boy.

Welcome to Hollywood,
fellas.

♪ Why do birds sing...

Oh, no.

She's my mother.

♪ Why do they
fall in love...

Marilyn.

Did you ever hear
of a rich pole vaulter?

What does that mean?

I just wanna lay
on top of you and see
where it goes from there.

Boy. You haven't had
much experience with
women, have you?

Run, Roy.
It's a better plan.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

-Dood, what?
-[WHINING]

-Roy, Roy, Roy.
-Unjinxed.

[MOOS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm not good at a cow.

A girl like I, almost
never gets to meet
really interesting men.

Jackpot.

Wow.

I knew she'd call.

Marilyn.

Ha.

Why don't you just
take her, Bleuer?

Good evening, ma'am.
Happy motoring.

BOTH: Bye, Harve.

There, there, there.

♪ Why do fools

♪ Fall in love?

♪ Why do fools

♪ Fall in love?

♪ Why do birds sing so gay?

♪ And lovers await
the break of day

♪ Why do they fall in love?

♪ Why does the rain fall
from up above?

♪ Why do fools fall in love?

♪ Why do they fall in love?

♪ Why does my heart skip
a crazy beat?

♪ Before I know

♪ It will reach defeat

♪ Tell me why

♪ Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me

♪ Tell me why
Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me why

♪ Tell me why

♪ Oh, oh, yeah
We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah
We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah
We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah
We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, tell me
Tell me

♪ Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me

♪ Why do they? ♪