Cadillac Man (1990) - full transcript

Joe's a car salesman with a problem. He has two days to sell 12 cars or he loses his job. This would be a difficult task at the best of times but Joe has to contend with his girlfriends (he's two timing), a missing teenage daughter and an ex-wife. What more could go wrong ?.. a lot, enter a crazy jealous husband with a machine gun..

I don't know what happened.

I thought you guys
were supposed to service this thing!

- I don't know why they didn't service...
- Yeah, yeah. "I don't know."

Why don't you guys
just take a suck on that tailpipe?

Then we could bury you, for God's sake.

Son of a bitch!

I don't know
what the hell I'm gonna do now.


- Blown engine, right?
- Yeah, the engine's blown to hell.

- Want me to call you a tow truck?
- Nah, we got help coming.


Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.

Finest automobiles
by the world's great car makers.

Oh, great. Just what I need,
a goddamn car salesman.

You know,
you're in a very dignified profession.

People rely upon you for the last images
they have of their loved ones,

and this ain't a pretty picture.

Oh, please. I'm trying to bury a guy,
not buy a hearse.

Hey, I'm talking a deal. $500 over invoice.

- Dealer invoice?
- Dealer invoice. Come on by tomorrow.

We're having a one-time-only sale
of all of our luxury vehicles.

I'll customize anything you want.

I will personally walk you
through every step of the deal.

We'll have your business back on its feet
by Monday. Back from the dead.

You might say...

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

If I might interrupt,
what are you doing about my husband?

We've arranged for a pickup truck.

Pickup truck?

A pick... No, no, no, no, no.

I did not spend $10,000 to have my Ralph
clowning around in a pickup truck.

I'll put you out of business.
Or better still, I'll take you to court.

I'll bury you for this.

- Madam?
- What is it?

- What's up?
- My deepest condolences.

May I suggest that
we move your husband along

as quickly as possible
to his last resting place?

Because as you can see
it's a very, very hot day,

and there is no air-conditioning,

so I think we should get him out of the sun
as quickly as possible. Please.

I'll gladly lend a hand.

Please, gentlemen.

- Take it easy there.
- This guy needs to go on a diet.

Please, that's the widow, man.

- What's she feeding the guy?
- Cool it.

Life's crazy, isn't it?

I mean, here I am driving along,
minding my own business,

when opportunity knocks.

Be careful with the...

All right, get all the flowers.

Oh! Jesus.

He's in there.

This must be very stressful for you.

$10,000 for a funeral.
She's gotta be well off.

He'll be all right. Don't you worry.

This is a nice box.
He must have carried a big life policy.

Say, thanks a lot.
I mean, this is not even your funeral.

Hey, I do for you,
maybe one day you do for me.


She could use some cheering up
at a time like this,

and people get a lot of pleasure
from a new car.

Yeah, she'll wanna get on with her life.

Can I?

Hey, you can't do this. You can't sell
a widow a car at her husband's funeral.

I mean, people are gonna think
that's a little insensitive.

But come on, most people think that

car salesmen are
scum of the earth anyway.

May I help you back to your car?

Thank you.

Your husband must have been a fine man.

Yes, he was a fine man.

A man who took care of you all of his life.

- Never denied you anything.
- Nothing.

Ralph denied me nothing.

He was a good provider.

Now that he's gone,

I'm sure that he wouldn't want you
to deny yourself in his absence.

Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.

- What is this?
- It's my business card.

You're not trying to sell me a car, are you?

At my husband's funeral?
Before he's even in the ground?

- Are you?
- Yes.

You sleaze.

You are the scum of the earth.

Okay, so not every sale works out.

But I gotta keep trying,
because you know why?

A lot of them do work out.

And when they do, I feel great.

'Cause I'm making someone happy.

It's like I'm making a friend,
what I like to call a relationship for life.

I love to sell.

It's pathological, I guess. I don't know.
Hey, you know why?

'Cause at that moment,
at that point of sale,

I cannot get any closer to
another human being without protection.

A little to the right.

A little to the left.

Okay. Good.

Honey, honey.

Did you ever think that you could
drive the car of your dreams?

Honey! Honey, honey, honey!

- Honey, that was quick!
- No, no, honey, it's your commercial.

- Your commercial's on.
- My commercial?

Yeah, babe. Babe, look. Look.


There's Dave, there's Henry.

- He talking oriental?
- No, he speaks perfect English.

- I'm Molly, and I'm going to put you...
- Who's she?

That's Molly.
I mean, somebody I work with.

I'm Joey, and I'm gonna put you...


Looks very professional.

One day! Sunday!

Yo, Frankie.

Hey, Joe, come here. Hang on a second.
I wanna show you something.

What do you think of that bad boy, buddy?

Yeah, it's really tasteful.

Little skulls with "Death rocks."
You know what would be nice?

Maybe some worms crawling out of it.

That would really piss your dad off.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Good golly, Miss Molly.

You've had the rest. Now have the best.

Joey, I'm with a customer.

You do remember
what a customer looks like, don't you?

- Joey, Joey.
- Hey, Jackie.

I know I'm late,
but I've been taking care of business, babe.

Yeah, I know the kind of business
you're taking care of.

No, really.
I hustled a new hearse at a funeral.

Come on, Joey. Don't bullshit me.

- This is Jackie you're talking to here.
- Jackie, I'm not bullshitting.

- It's coming in tomorrow.
- Good.

- Jackie?
- Yeah.

The guy you wanted from downtown
is holding on line one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell him I'll call him later.

- Later?
- Later.

Oh, God. She just drives me crazy.

Jackie, be a little more subtle, huh?

She's a married woman.
You don't wanna get caught, do you?

Hey, come on. God forgive me, Joey.
I mean, I just can't help myself.

Hey, who can?

Look, Joey, I gotta talk to you about
the sale tomorrow.

Jackie, I'm ready.

You remember those two guys that came...
No, you weren't even here that day.

Anyway, Dad had a couple outside experts
come by, check our operation.

And they recommended that
we reduce the sales force

when we move to the new location.

How many you gonna lose?

Well, Molly's gonna stay
'cause she sells cars.

And Dad's got a big heart,
so maybe one or two others.

Jackie, what are you talking about?

We're the guys. We made this place.

Come on, Joey, read the sign.

Big Jack Turgeon made the place.

He made you. He taught you how to sell.
He made you rich.

You'd still be rich if
you didn't blow it on the babes all the time.

Well, I'm having a few problems, you know.

Some of them personal.

But I'm working them out, and
I'll be back better than ever. I really will.

Well, get back. By tomorrow.

'Cause you gotta close a dozen units
to make an impression on the old man.

Otherwise, you're gone.

What are you talking about,
12 units by tomorrow?

Yeah, today and tomorrow.

Today's dead.
No one's gonna come in today

if they know
they can get it tomorrow on sale.

Well, I don't know.
Get on your horse, cowboy.

Call all your old clients.
I'll toss you a few leads.

Do whatever you gotta do
to get people in here.

'Cause you gotta sell, sell, sell, Joey.

'Cause it'd be terrible
if you weren't here anymore.

Terrible? Nah.

It'd be a total fucking disaster.


Hey, Frankie, wake up over there.

Wash my car, will you?
And do a good job for once.

I don't care who your old man is.

Chopsticks. I'm buying.

I'm talking about this bullshit now.

Humor him. We'll make like the old days.

I mean, who knows?
Anything can happen. Look at Russia.

Right, things don't work out here,
I can sell Lincolns in Lithuania.

That's a good idea.

Brought that color right around, huh?

Okay, my friends.
You stop talking now. Time to eat.

Hey, ho, Helen.

Siu mai pork. Come on.

- Give me some of those shrimps, please.
- No, back off.

That's not for you. This for better table.

- "Better table."
- This one for you.

- Martial arts expert.
- Three, maybe, I think, huh?

No, no, no, two.
I'm not gonna buy out that easy.

Three. You big man. You need to eat a lot.

What, are you working on commission?

I mean, you know,
you'd sell the soles off your feet.

Hey, you shut up.
You no mess with me, okay?

Hey, you have any cat today?

No, no more. Finished.
But this is very special for you.

- What's for me?
- This is monkey brain.

- Monkey brain, huh?
- That's right.

Helen, that's not the monkey's brain.

Look at that.
That's a different part of the monkey.

- Stop playing with it now. Eat it.
- Enjoy.

This the... This the... The bear's balls.

- What?
- Bear's balls.

- Bear's balls?
- Is that right?

Okay, it's on you.

- Okay, you shut up now. Eat.
- Okay.


Honey. Do it again.

...and then he got a car.

- That's the way I live my life.
- Amen.

- You boys talking dirty again?
- No, no!

No. Mrs. Turgeon
wants you to call her. Now.

Wife calls, pack the balls.

Hey, that's my mother, Benny.

If you guys want me to keep treating lunch,
just remember,

you have to sell every damn one
of those cars on my lot tomorrow.

'Cause if I'm not making,
you're not making.

So let's hear the company motto.

Nobody gets out alive.

How the hell am I gonna
sell 12 cars by tomorrow?

Twelve cars in one day? That's impossible.

I don't know. Maybe it can be done.
Maybe I'm the guy to do it.

What am I doing?

Instead of selling,
I'm going out shopping with Joy.

I'm a sick man.

Oh, God. Why?
'Cause I can't say no to a woman.

I love 'em. I just gotta make 'em happy.

'Cause if they are happy,
I get a chance to be happy.

It's just not fair that
my whole life should hang in the balance.

I mean, I've gotta know.

I am not going to divorce Harry until
I know that I'm gonna be taken care of.

I mean, am I wrong? If I'm wrong, tell me.

- You're wrong.
- Nice piece, isn't it, sir?

- Lovely.
- Gorgeous.

One of my favorites.
Came in on an estate sale.

French art glass. Gallé. Mid-19th century.

- Would you like me to price it for you?
- Yeah, would you, please?

So what's it gonna be?

What? Look what you're buying here.

I mean, I'll never be able to do for you
what Harry can.

I don't have his money, you know?

- Listen. I got family responsibilities.
- What are you saying?

I got a mother.
I got a daughter going to college soon.

Oh, God. I don't believe this.
You know, you insult me.

I am not talking about
financial support, you putz, you.

- Don't hit me here.
- I'm talking emotional support.

- Emotional! Can you afford that?
- Yeah.


You like this?

- I like you.
- Do you want it?

I want you!


So what you're saying is someone died,
and you got this baby real cheap.

- Honey.
- Babe.

- You mind showing us the invoice?
- Sir!

I see a lot of art hanging around here

with what we like to call
dust on it, you know?

Hey. You don't make money
if you don't move the inventory, do you?

May I have a moment with you?

You're a salesman first,
and then everything else second.

I gotta sell some cars, okay?

Honey, it's just that it's very embarrassing
is all I'm saying.

I don't understand why it's necessary
for you to try and sell the man a car.

What are you pissed about?
I just saved you a grand, right?

Honey, it's not that, and you know it.

What are you doing?
I thought you quit smoking.

Have a piece of gum instead. Here.

What do you hate Harry so much for?
You want to throw his money away?

I don't hate Harry.

Can I help it if the bastard loves it
when I spend his money?

Come on!

- I don't make that kind of money, Joy.
- Stop it.

I know you don't, honey.
I'm not asking you to marry me.

I'm just saying I will... Shut up!

I will not share you
with other women, darling.

And that includes Tina.

Come on, it's green!

What are you talking about, Tina?
We're divorced. You know that.

- You still sleep with her.
- I do not sleep with her. I see her.

I have a daughter with her.
I have to see her to see my daughter.

If I don't see her,
some other shlub sees her,

and I don't get to see my daughter at all.

- Joey. Joey.
- Joy.

Joy, I hear what you're saying.
I know what you want.

Honey. So let's call Harry.
We'll just get it over with.

There's a payphone. Let's just...

Joy, Jesus Christ, I gotta get to work.
I'm gonna lose my goddamn job if I don't.

What's your problem?

- Hey, honey. Honey.
- Shut up.

You get the dog all excited.

I don't mean to. I'm sorry, darling.

You didn't bond with him
when he was a puppy.

I'll bond with him.
Yeah, I'll bond with him very soon.

- Angel. Sweetie. Baby.
- Darling.


Hey, Joey, what are you doing?

It's okay, Mario. It's my car.

Hey. Sorry about that.

Put the cigarette out. Tony's trying to quit.

Yeah, these things will kill you.

Oh, God, am I late.
Hope Tony will still see me.

Some people late to see Tony
end up late for their own funeral.

Hey, wait a minute.
Carmine will bail me out.

Yeah, good old Carmine.
Tony's number one man.

Come in, Joey.

Where's Carmine?

Hunting accident. Wait here.

I'll take those.

- Here you go, Joey.
- Thanks, Tony.

All right. Let's get down to business.
What's on your mind?

I was wondering if you or any of the boys
were looking for a new car

because we're having
a sale on Sunday, Tony.

- You're having a sale?
- Yeah.

- Is that what you came here for, Joey?
- Yeah, Tone.

- I'll tell you what, I'll pass the word along.
- That'd be nice.

Joey, you didn't come here
looking for money?

- Joey, please, no more money.
- Hey, Tony, I'm not asking.

20 G's, Joey.

Listen, we go back,
but I am not your personal banker, Joey.

Hey, Tony, you've been great to me.
Thank you. Really. God bless you.

You know other guys out 20 G's...

Other guys, I fix.

Listen to me,
and listen to me carefully, please, Joey.

Don't make me wait too long, Joey, please.

I won't. No.

Don't make me wait too long.


Drink up. Here.

Take it from me, Joey.
As much fun as women are,

they are not worth ruining your life over.

Yeah, you got it, Tone. Thanks for
spreading the word about the sale.

Not a problem.

Thanks for getting my kid
that weekend job.

Frankie, that lazy shit.

Did you see that fucking tattoo

- he has on his arm?
- Yeah.

Thinks he's gonna be a rock-and-roll star?

Sometimes I think he's gonna be a fruit.

Hey, I'll see ya.

- Yeah, we go back, Tony.
- We go back, Joey.

Okay, Joey, here are the rules.

No wisecracks, no arguments
and definitely no fighting with the wife.

Ex. Ex-wife. Remember the alimony?

Hey, my paint job is still holding up.

Okay, I get in there, I get her back
in that good mood, like I used to.

Then I take care of business. Car business.

Wait a minute,
maybe she's seeing somebody.

Why not? She's a good-looking woman.
Who wouldn't be attracted to her?


Staying alive

Staying alive

Ah, ah, ah, ah

Staying alive

Oh, God.

You're looking good, Tine.

You don't do that, Joey.

Coming in here without calling,
without even ringing the damn bell.

You don't live here, you know?

No, I just paid for it.

Hey, that does not give you the right
to keep coming in here.

- Especially when I'm not home.
- Hey, you know I don't do that.

- Get off it, Joey. I know your smell.
- Yeah.

You're married to someone for 11 years,
you get to know a lot of things.

- Get out of my mail.
- Excuse me.

- What is this?
- It's food. It's for vitamins.

No, these are chemicals. Come on!

Lisa needs real food to grow,
not plant fertilizer.

- She's grown.
- Yeah?

Anyway, I cook for her.
She's never here to eat it.

- Where the hell is she?
- She's 15. That's where she is!

She thinks she's her own boss.

Thinks she doesn't have
to go to school anymore.

What, she's ditching?
Tina, you're supposed to tell me this stuff.

It's her new friends, Joey.
That's what I think.

What kind of friends she got, Tina?

- Do you know from these friends?
- Yeah. Some of them.

What, is she into drugs,
something like that?

- She needs a father!
- She's got one.

It wouldn't hurt if
you set a little cash aside for Lisa's college

like you keep saying you are.

Tina, I've always taken care of you.

But I'm living in two rooms
as big as your garage, huh?

I'm living like a fucking cabbage seller,
like my old man!

Oh, yeah, because
you spend your money on whores

instead of your daughter's education.

That's it. My lady friends are not whores!

- So marry one!
- You couldn't afford me to!

'Cause God forbid
you might have to get a real job.

I got a real job, Joey! Catering! Remember?

Come on, Tina. Whipping up
a few cheese logs for your friends' parties

- ain't a real job.
- It was when I cooked for you.

You know what the real job was? Eating it!

I didn't see you get any thinner.

I'm lucky I didn't blow my ass off
after eating Beans à la Tine!

Do you feel better?


It's true.

Okay, all right, how about this?

$500 a month for a college fund for Lisa.

- Now, do you feel better?
- Yeah.

- Sure, terrific, if you do it.
- I promise.

So why did you come
all the way over here today, Joey?

- Just to talk to me about Lisa?
- I was just driving by.

- See ya.
- Joey.

Where the hell
are you gonna get $500 a month?

Joey, did you forget why you came here?
Come on, boy.

Tina, I forgot.

Could you call your brother
and tell him we're having a sale tomorrow?

So that's why you came over.
He's got a car, Joey.

I mean, I'll cut him a rock-bottom price.
Straight to the floor.

I mean, I'll make him a deal

even a tight-ass like your brother
couldn't refuse, you know?

Why are you selling me, Joey?

Come on, Tine. Do me a favor.
Get him to come down. Please?

Okay, I'll talk to him.

Thanks, Tina. Why'd I ever leave you?

Well, you didn't leave me, Joey.
I asked you to leave.

Remember why?


There's one woman in my life, though,
doesn't ask me for a thing.

She lives for me. She really does.

Every time I see her, I feel great

'cause she really knows
how to take care of me.

You know why, Joey?

And that's the most important thing.
When the fagioli...

Ma. Basta on the fagioli, okay?
No more beans. I got a date, okay?

Okay, I'll put it here.
If you want some more, I'll get it.

Joey, why are you so unhappy?

Ma, I'm not unhappy.
I'm just not hungry, okay?

Come on, that's bullshit and you know it.
Don't bullshit your ma, Joey.

Bullshit the girls,
but don't bullshit your ma.

Okay, look.

- I'm eating, all right?
- Yeah?

I'm not jerking you around.

Have you talked to your daughter lately?

Tina calls, you know?

But Lisa? Never.

- I'll talk to her.
- Not only talk, Joey!

Lisa needs a regular family.

You know, like you had with Tina.

Come on, Ma. You couldn't stand Tina.

Now all of a sudden
you want to get us back together?

- So I ain't perfect.
- Who is, Ma?

You are, Joey.

You are my perfect little boy.

Joey Central. Cars are my life.

- How you doing, Joey?
- Great, Jackie, doing great!

I got four potential sales in the bag.

Yeah, okay.
Listen, are you seeing someone tonight?

Yeah. I guess I've earned a little R&R,
don't you think?

Sure you did! We all did!

So listen, I guess that means
you won't be using your pad tonight, huh?

Jack, there, come on. It's Saturday night.

I mean,
what's Donna gonna tell her old man?

You're pushing your luck, cowboy.

I know what I'm doing, babe. Believe me.
So is that okay?

Yeah, that's okay.
Mi casa es su casa, amigo.

Hey, gracias, señor!

And you keep selling cars, you hear, Joey?
We need you at Turgeon.

Don't you worry about it, Jackie.
The only thing on my mind is selling cars.

- Don't. Don't. Don't! Don't!
- What? What? What?

- You'll mess me up.
- I can't mess you up.

No. Come on. Let's go. Let's go!

Joey, how's your day?

Oh, my day?
It's been a drag till I get to you, gorge.

Hey, come on. Gorge. Gorge. Hey, Gorge.

- You wanna know what a drag is, Joey?
- Oh, yes, Gor...

- I think it's standing on your feet all day.
- Yeah, yeah, that's it. Wait...

Spraying goofy-smelling mousse on people.

- Yeah. Gorge. Gorge.
- Trying to make these old ladies look

- like they...
- Gorge. Gorge. Gorge.

Trying to make them look like
they walked off of Cosmo.

When they look like
they got hit by the lousy A-train.

- Joey, I cannot find my pumps!
- Honey.

Where are my pumps, Joey?

Strawberry slides into home!


- Joey.
- Yes, baby.

- Do me something good, okay?
- What?

Turn over.

Oh, yeah! That!

- We're gonna play mandingo again?
- No.

- No?
- We're gonna do your 'do.

- What?
- Your 'do!

There's gonna be celebs
there tonight, Joey.

There's gonna be paparazzi
there tonight, Joey.

So you gotta look special, you know?
You gotta look good.

And I got you some clothes.

- Yeah?
- Special!

Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.

You know, the Allanté should be
a really good car for you.

- Yeah?
- It's computerized, does 140 miles an hour.

Better than that Rabbit
I saw you drive up here.

- 140 miles an hour!
- Yeah.

The Allanté. Sure.

Joey, you gotta be doing this all the time?
Selling, selling?

- Come on, baby!
- I'm sorry, honey. I can't help it.

Hey, tomorrow we're having a big sale.

- Yeah? Tomorrow? Okay, I'll be there.
- Yeah, tomorrow.

We got to get in here, Joey.

- There's fashion people downstairs.
- Coming through.

- You always have to be selling.
- Get back. Get back.

- Okay, I'll try, Lila.
- Gotta get a shot here!

Well, I'm trying!

Ricky, look. Look in your book.
Lila. L-I-L-A. Lila.

- I know it's in your book.
- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm on your list!
- Under L! Under L!

Hey! Hey! Shoot here!
Shoot this, huh? Shoot me.

I'm Lila. I'm an up-and-coming designer.

I designed all this stuff myself. Come on.

Come on, she's gorgeous.
Even a blind man could tell she's hot.

She's a nobody. She's nothing.

I take stars. I take celebrities.
I take famous people.

This person is nowhere.

I'm not taking her picture.
I'm not wasting the film.

- It's nothing personal.
- Screw this dude.

- You didn't have to say that to her.
- Have a nice life.

Hey, you know what you are?
You're an asshalf.

Takes two of you to make an asswhole!

Hey! Hey, does this get us in?
You know Mr. Grant? You know him?

- Yeah, all right.
- All right. Okay. Gorge!

- Hey, hey, you want to come in or what?
- Yeah, I'm trying.

- Hey, Gorge, where you going? We're in.
- I'm not going in there, Joey!

- Will you wait up, Lisa?
- Who's Lisa?

I don't know, Liza. Come on,
what are you saying here?

- You doing a Lisa?
- No, what are you... No! No! I'm not.

I know the diff between Lisa and Lila, Joey!

- You said Lisa!
- No, I did not, okay?

I don't know a Lisa. I'm not doing a Lisa.

Only Lisa I know is the Mona Lisa.

Gorge. Come on.

You're the only girl for me.

Come on, Gorge.

Your time's gonna come.
I know what I'm talking about.

I don't wanna be
just some stupid bimbo, Joey.

Hey, what are you saying "bimbo"?
You know what a bimbo is?

It's a little elephant with big ears.

Hey, come on! Listen,

your 'dos are gonna be the hottest thing
in this whole goddamn city.

You really think so?

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I'm not a loser.
- Gorge.

You think I'm gonna
waste my time with a loser?

You know what a loser looks like?

A loser looks like this.

I like to see the Allanté, please.

Please show me the Allanté.

I love you, Joey. I really do.

Hey, Gorge.


- Hiya, Joey!
- Benny!

Legend, lover, salesman, right?

- Take no prisoners today, Ben.
- You got it.

- Frankie!
- Joey, barf on this, man.

- Why do I got to do this shit for?
- Money.

- After you.
- No, après vous.

He speaks French.

Hey. You and me, Mol.
It's time we got something going.

- I'm free tonight.
- I'd like that, Joey,

but I think I'd rather eat worms and die.

Well, you know,
my worm doesn't have a hook.

You know what your problem is, Joey?
You're a pig.

And you're a chauvinist,
and you have no respect for women.

Well, I guess dinner and a blowjob's
out of the question, then?

- I guess.
- Yeah. We'll forget dinner.

Telephone call for Joey O'Brien.

- Big day, Joey.
- Almost. It was right there and got away.

- Joey O'Brien.
- Oh, God, it's Tina.

Tina! What?

Lisa. Lisa, she stayed out all night.
She didn't come home.

- She didn't? All night?
- I don't know where she is.

You called hospitals?
You called the police, honey?

No, she called from a payphone.

- She called?
- Yeah.

What did she say?

Your daughter! She said she's with friends!

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God,
she's with that little prick, Louie.

- Joey, you gotta come home!
- Listen. Listen, I can't.

I can't. I can't come home now.

Listen, if I come home, I blow my job.

- She's okay. She called.
- Look, Joey...

She's gonna be all right.

She comes home, you give me a call, okay?

- Joey, listen, you gotta come home.
- Okay?

- I need you!
- All right, baby?

You got it. Bye-bye.

That little motherfucker's dead.

- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do?

Jackie Turgeon, how do you do?

- This is my wife.
- How do you do?

This survey is bullshit.

Who are these experts?
What do they know?

- They ever sell a car?
- Now, come on, Benny, we're the salesmen.

We gotta do what we do best.

- Lie.
- Yeah.

- Cheat.
- Steal.

Cool it, cool it, cool it.
That's Donna's old man.


Excuse me.

Donna, come here. I wanna talk to you.

It's her husband. Where's Jackie?

Over there, doing a little carpet inspection
on the Mercedes.

Don't look. Don't look.


Come here. I want to talk to you.

Larry, what the hell
are you doing over here?

- So I'm sitting home, thinking, right?
- Yeah.

And I realize something. It's Sunday.

- So?
- What you got to work on Sunday for?

I already told you Larry.
There's a big sale. I gotta work.

- You already worked half the night.
- Yeah.

So how many cars do you sell

- at 2:00 in the morning, Donna?
- What?

How many cars do you sell
at 2:00 in the morning?

Something's going on. I can feel it.

What can you feel? You can't feel anything
'cause nothing's going on.

- I can feel it.
- You're just going crazy.

I ain't gonna be a fool, Donna.

- Go home, Larry.
- I ain't gonna be a fool.

- Just go home.
- Don't tell me what to do. I'm going home.

You go inside.

I ain't gonna be your fool.

Jackie, all clear.

Come on! Sell some cars, will you?

That was a little close.

Take no prisoners.

Hit the road Little Jack

Nobody gets out of here alive.

Don't you come back

No more, no more
no more, no more

Hit the road, Little Jack

And don't you come back
no more, no

What you say?

I know about you people. You're all thieves.

Every time you open your mouth,
you're gonna cost me money.

- That's right, dear.
- I'll do the talking, okay?

What I want, and what I'm willing to pay.

- Think you can handle that, pal?
- Definitely.

- Yeah.
- Hop in.

Perfect fit, huh?

- How is that, dear?
- Feels good.

- It looks great, honey.
- Doesn't it?

Really packed in here.

- I don't know.
- What don't you know?

I just don't know.

So this is a Bends, right?

- Benz.
- Benson.

- No, Benz. Not Benson. Benz.
- Benz.

300E Benz.

- How long have you been selling cars?
- Just a little while.

- Fifteen years.
- You got a lot to learn.

I do.

Let me take a guess.
You're thinking you can't afford this car.

Well, for $45,000...

- What?
- Okay.

Didn't mean to frighten you with that.
That's what's called sticker shock.

- You want me to get some oxygen?
- Sticker shock?

Listen, I know what I can afford.

I just don't know.

I don't know.

You're a hell of a driver, Mr. Clampstock.

- Well, you ready to take this baby home?
- I don't know.

We're doing pretty good.

We moved 15 units, but we can do better.

So I'm gonna allow another $500 off
the buy-back without prior approval.

Good, good.
Jackie, how many cars did I do?

Two Benny. Just two.

Christ, 35 years on the floor,
I'm gonna lose my spot...

Benny, Benny, day's not over.
It's only 11:30.

Today don't matter if I'm gonna lose
my spot. I wanna know, Jackie.

Benny, you're not selling any cars
standing here, now, are you?

Hold on.

- Hello?
- Joey?

- No.
- Is he there? It's his doctor.

- Yeah, he's here.
- Sign this.

- Doctor's on the phone.
- Can't talk now.

You rat.

No, I'm sorry. Mr. O'Brien is with
a customer. He's a very busy man.

- We were talking Jackie.
- It's important I speak to him.

Like I told you...

I'm telling you, I'm not selling anymore
unless you give me a spot at the new place.

- Joey, doctor says it's an emergency.
- What kind of emergency?

What kind of emergency?
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

- Give me that.
- No, I want to speak to Joey.

- Yeah, this is Joey.
- Hi, it's me.

- Yeah, Lila, what?
- I need an agent.

- What kind of emergency? It's a busy day.
- I think I need an agent.

- An agent?
- Yeah, to help me sell my stuff.

- An agent.
- What kind of agent?

God damn it, Jackie. We were talking here.

Stop listening to Joey on the phone
and answer me.

Come on, there are no guarantees, okay?
There are no guarantees in life.

What the fuck do you need
a press agent for? No, no. I know. Listen.

No, no, it's not like you don't have
something to publicize, babe.

You got a lot to publicize.

Fuck you, Little.

And fuck Big.

Fuck 'em big and little.

Little and Big, fucking fucks.
You know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I got the gist, Ben.

You know what I'm saying, Joey?
God damn it!

No, no, honey.
No, just somebody learning English.

Fuck you!

Better lighten up on the caffeine.

- Number seven.
- Tell me the price.

Five grand for three months?

Five grand is not the money, darling.

It's just the fact that...
Hey, wait a minute, you're worth it.

You're priceless, babe. You know that.

Seven, Joe. Seven.

Joey, what's going on over there? Hello?

Ten. Ten.



That's cruel.

God damn it, Joey!

What? Babe, listen.

I gotta go. I gotta get back out there.

Five grand I gotta make,
and I gotta get it now.

- You get it? Okay. Bye-bye.
- Yeah, sweetie. You're the best.

So many women, so little cash.

Take no prisoners!

Thirty-five years I've been selling cars,
Joey. You know what I mean?

Now all of a sudden, all of a sudden,
I don't know what I'm selling?

What is this? What does that say there?
Salesman of the year.

- Excuse me.
- Maybe...

- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?

You gave me your card.

Right, right. Something in black.

- The hearse, right?
- Yeah.

Sorry. Well, you sit right down.
I'll be right with you, okay?


So what am I supposed to do now?
Grow legs like Molly?

I don't know, Ben. I still wouldn't fuck you.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

You don't look so good.

Well, it's getting to be kind of a long day.

We own Frito's cars.

- Seven years. We have 19 taxis.
- Twenty.

Congratulations, you're ready
to step up from the taxis

to a Prestige Luxury car, right?

- Yes.
- We're gonna buy an American car.

- Only American.
- Well, God bless you, sir.

It's gonna be hard to buy a Russian one.

- Let me show you this American car.
- Yeah.

Lincoln Continental. Do you have any kids?

- I have... No, three kids.
- And children.

Three his children and two our kids.

- Well, this'll fit...
- This will fit nice good.

Put the bad ones in the front
and the bad ones in the back.


- Excuse me one second.
- Mr. Salesman, real leather in the seat?

Real leather, yeah.
Nothing fake in America.

Telephone call for Joey O'Brien.


- Joey, it's me.
- Tina!

- She home?
- No, not yet.

- I don't know where she is.
- Not yet?

Why don't you try calling this Louie?

I don't know his last name. Do you know it?

No, I don't know his name.
We're not that close.

But if I ever do get close to him,

he's gonna be wearing his balls
for earrings.

He gonna be back or no, huh?

On the telephone.

I don't understand.
He going to sell this car? What? I just...

Yeah, yeah,
I do sound a little tense, Tine, yeah.

- You wanna know why?
- I know why.

'Cause my day has been shit. Total shit.

Yeah, Joey,
you're not the only one, you know?

My little girl's missing,

- doing God knows what the hell.
- Joey.

I'm gonna lose my job.
I'm up to my ass in hock.

- People asking money from me.
- Joey, calm down.

And I gotta sell seven more cars
by the end of the day.

- Shit, total shit, S-H-I-T.
- Joey, come on now. Calm down.

It could not get any worse.

- Hello?
- Oh, shit.

Joey, what? What is it? Joey?

- Oh, Tina...
- Is she there?

- Tina, you call me...
- Joey?

...the moment that Lila...
Lisa gets home, okay?

- Lila?
- Joey, don't do this to me today.

I have a previous relationship
with these customers.

- Mr. Salesman, please.
- One moment.

- Hello, Mrs. Munchack.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- You know Chester.

- Yeah, he likes you. He does.
- I hope.

Mr. Munchack,

Joey O'Brien,
I put you in that 560 SL a couple years ago.

Yes, Mr. O'Brien, my relationship for life.


Has she run well for you? The car.

Well, she doesn't seem
to have any complaints.

Well, glad to hear that.

No complaints at all.
I tell you, it's been like a dream.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone...
Thing more.

It's been a pleasure servicing...
Serving you.

- Mr. Salesman, please!
- One moment, please!

I'll be right with you.

Place can't run without me.
What can I do for you, Mr. Munchaque?

- Munchack.
- Chack.

Like to get a new car for my wife.

Well, hey, that's what I'm here for.

Come on, let me show you around.

So what's it gonna be, Mr. O'Brien,

are you ready to continue
our relationship for life?

Joey. Joey.

- I'm still waiting for you, Mr. Salesman.
- One moment!

- Excuse me.
- I'm sick of your moment.

Can't you see I got two ups at once.
Little's not gonna approve your deal.

You better go talk to him.
Your sale's gonna walk, Joey.

Donna, do anything. Keep him there.
Show him some cleavage, okay?


- Mr. Salesman!
- One moment, I'll be right with you.

Wait a second. My wife was thinking
maybe an Allanté convertible.

- Shut up! Black.
- Hear Daddy?

- Now is that what you want, darling?
- Yes, honey.

I did see one that I really liked.
You must know what I'm talking about.

So Mr. O'Brien, can you help us?

- Mr. Salesman!
- Surely.

Please, this Washington Continental.

What kind of deal
are you gonna make me on this?

- Cash is okay?
- Cash.

- Mr. O'Brien, please.
- One moment.

- I ask you, how much in cash?
- American cash?

Sure, you accept Chinese?

Excuse me, Joey, get with that guy...

Come on, Mr. Salesman!

Hey, hey, don't go.

Hey, we had a deal here. Sit down!

- We had a deal! He changed every number!
- I know. Sit down. Take a load off your legs.

- He changed every number.
- Mr. O'Brien, I believe you were serving us.

- Hey, back off!
- Please!


All you bastards are gonna die!

You had your good time?
Now you're gonna die!

Get over there! Get over there!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

- Move it! Move it!
- Okay.

Oh, my God!
He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us!

Everybody fucking against the wall,
or we all fucking die.

Hey! Get out! Get out of there!
What are you hiding from?

Get up! Get up! What are you hiding from?

Are you one of them? Are you one of them?

- Donna! Donna!
- Larry!

- Are you one of them?
- One what?

- You look like one of them!
- Larry! Larry!

What the hell are you doing, Larry?
You gone crazy, Larry?

I wanna know, Donna.

- What, have you gone crazy?
- Tell me! Tell me!

- What are you doing?
- Who here did you do?

Tell me who you fucked here, Donna!
I wanna know!

I gotta know! Tell me!

What do you want to know?

Everyone, okay? I fucked them all!

I just fuck and fuck and fuck!


Get up!


Hey! Hey! Hey!

Get in there! Move it!

Move it!

I'll fucking kill you! Move it! Move it!

Not me! Don't shoot me!

All right. Okay.

Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. All right.

Okay, everybody over there!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Everybody back. Everybody back.

Okay. Okay. Everybody, hands up.

And make it look like nothing's happening.

Shut the dog up! I don't like dogs!

He's just a puppy!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

All the women over there!

Please, I just came to buy car with my wife.

- Get over there!
- You're gonna get us all killed.

Shut up! Shut up!

Get it away from me! Get it away from me!

No, please! No, no, Chester, please!

Get it away from me!

Get the dog away from me! Get...

My baby, no! Please! Please!
My baby! Please! Please!

You! Little tough guy with the tattoo!

You been doing Donna, ain't ya?

Answer me, you little shit!
Stick your little toy dick in there, huh?

I swear to God,
I didn't fuck your girlfriend, man!

She's not my girlfriend. She's my wife!

Oh, Jesus! Don't! Don't!
He's just a kid, come on.

- What's your problem, mac?
- Oh, God, please. Joey!

- Darling, back! Darling, get back!
- Stay back!

- Get back. Get back, darling!
- Stay back!

- No! Joey! Joey! Joey!
- Joey? What is this, Joy?

I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to hurt you!

Joy, you haven't been
screwing this salesman, have you?

Shut up, Harry!

- Well, have you?
- A little.

Everybody fucking shut up!
This is my thing, all right?

This is some joint here.

Open season on everyone's wife, huh?

So you had your little fun, did you?

Please don't kill me! I don't want to die!
I don't want to fucking die.

It was me. It was me!

You what?

Me and Donna, we...



What are you saying, Joey?
How could you do this to me?

You're something, O'Brien!

- I hope to hell this guy really does kill you!
- I loved you!

- Shut up! You shut up! Shut up!
- You bastard!

You shut up even more!

- Sorry. I'm sorry, sir.
- Thank you.

I'm doing the talking.

Right, right.

So we got one.

Who else did her? Who else did her?
The kid? Who else?

Come on, who else?

Nobody else. It was just me.

Yeah? Prove it.

You think I'm gonna bullshit you
about this?

What am I, a retard?

You think I'm gonna bullshit a guy

with an automatic weapon
loaded and pointed at me?

It's just me. Nobody else.

Yeah, well, what about,

you know, all that stuff she said,
you know?

"I fuck and fuck and fuck."

She was trying to hurt you, man.


Am I dead?

Move it! Move it!

Don't you hurt my son!
You hurt him, I'll kill ya!

I'll kill you right here!

Hey, come on, we were talking.

We were talking here, Lar.
Remember, me and Donna?

- Yeah, right.
- Right.

So how many times you do her, man?

What's it matter, Lar?
She's dying over there on the floor.

One time? Twenty times?

- Less.
- Tell me. Ten?

- I don't know.
- More than 10?

- Less than 10? What?
- Hey, look behind me.

I can't talk in front of the ladies.
You know what I'm saying?

Come on.

You let the ladies go,
I'll tell you everything.

What have you got against the ladies?
They never did anything with Donna.

I don't know they didn't do nothing.

Come on. You let the ladies go,
we'll talk all night, okay?

No, no, no, no, you tell me first.
How many times?

- Oh, God.
- I swear I'll kill you.

Go ahead!

But you kill me, you never learn
anything about me and Donna, do you?

Now, come on, Larry, be a guy.
Let the ladies go.

Okay? Come on, now.


- Larry.
- Oh, shit.

Larry, Larry, she's over there.

She's alive. Look at that, Larry.

- She ain't dead.
- What happened?

The shot just grazed her head.
You ain't killed anybody.

- Come on.
- Get away from her! What are you doing?


- She's hurt, Larry.
- She deserves it.

Let me just get her up,
get her in a chair, okay, Lar?

- Put her in a chair.
- That's a good idea, Lar.

Get your hands off her!

What happened?

No matter what you hear, shut up.


Yeah, bitch,
better listen to your boyfriend here.


You heard me.
Listen to what your boyfriend's saying.

You think I'm fucking Joey?



What's going on here?
You doing her or not?

Of course I'm doing her.

I don't know who I'm doing
and who I'm not doing.

Donna. I told him. Just you and me, right?

There's nobody else.

Look at that.

See, the bullet grazed her head.
The bullet grazed your head, Donna.

She doesn't know what's going on.

She's got amnesia.

- I got what?
- She got what?

Don't go bullshitting him, Donna, okay?

I told him everything. You see the gun?

You lie to him,
who knows what shit is gonna go down?

So trust me on this, D.


Just Joey. Nobody else.

Nobody else.

- Lar. Lar.
- Oh, shit.




Some crazy dude crashed
right through the goddamn door, man.

- He's got a gun.
- I know. Get down.

Get down? I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Cops. Cops!
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

Larry, you know what you do? Give up.

Larry? Larry. Larry, call it a day.

Let's put the gun down.
We go out and tell the cops,

a little domestic dispute.

- What are you talking about?
- Maybe we just let the ladies go, Larry.

How about that?
That'd look really good right now.

No? That'd buy you a little time.

Cops have to deal with
the ladies, you know?

How about that one? And the ladies could
tell the cops that you're a no-shit guy.

Hey, shut up! I'm a no-shit guy!

All you ladies get out of here
and you tell the cops

- that I'm a no-shit guy.
- Thank you.

Not you!

- What?
- Sit down!

- Sit down!
- All right!

He's a no-shit guy!

Hey! Quit talking that French stuff!


Joy, what are you doing? Get out of here.

Joey, I just love you, that's all.

Joy, there's nothing here for you.
I'm sorry. Now, go.

It's over, come on! Go! Get out!

- Hey! Get out of here.
- Harry, Harry.

You don't deserve this.
I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Get out of here!

Chester, Chester, Chester, come here.

Jeez, where'd you find her?

Sorry, man.

All right, everybody move it! Get it in gear!

Go! Go! Go! Move it!

What the hell are you doing here?

Relax, we're just getting a shot.

You're in the line of fire!

Hey, what's the problem?
We're miles away...

- Move it now! Move! Move!
- All right, all right. All right, all right.

You, inside.

You are surrounded.
You have no hope of escape.

Surrender immediately. You're surrounded.
You have no hope of escape.

Stay back!

Tell them to stay back or I'll blow this place
and half the fucking block to hell.

He says, stay back or he's gonna
blow this place and half the block to hell.

Yeah? With what?

Stuff on my bike there.

It's very explosive stuff.

He's got stuff strapped to his bike.

So what? So does my little kid.
Look, we wanna know what it is.

M2 plastic.

- Plastic?
- M2 plastic.

- Plastique? Oh, shit.
- Plastique, yeah.

M2 plastique!

M2 plastique?

- You tell him we don't believe him.
- Oh, fuck.

Where the hell did he get that?

- Jersey.
- Okay.

- Okay, what does he want?
- What do you want, Larry?

I don't know.

- Come on, talk to me.
- What?

What do you want me to tell him, Larry?

You don't want me to tell him the truth,
do you?

'Cause if I tell him the truth,
it's gonna get on the news,

and you're gonna be airing your dirty
laundry all over the goddamn city.

- Do you want that?
- Yeah. I mean, no!

Now, what do you want me to tell him?

Tell him...
I don't know what I wanna tell him.

Listen, that doesn't mean...

And don't think I ain't gonna kill you
and all these assholes here.

No, sir. I wasn't thinking anything like that.

Look, we're still waiting to hear
what he wants.

Come on, let us know who we're talking to.

He wants to know who you are!

He's talking to the NYPD.

No shit. Now give me a name.

Come on, he wants to know your name.

Look at the tag on your chest.
It'll make it a lot easier.

The name is Walters.

Okay, Walters, here's the deal.

- What's the plan, Larry?
- I don't know. I told you, I don't know.

Come on, Larry, you gotta have a plan.
We need a plan.

- Tell him I don't wanna talk to him.
- He doesn't wanna talk to you.

If I did wanna talk to him,
I wouldn't talk to him out there.

But if he does talk to you,
he's not gonna talk to you out there,

and he's not gonna talk to you in here.

Actually, I don't wanna talk to him at all.

he doesn't wanna talk to you at all.

- Tell them to go away.
- Go away.

What's his name? Can't talk for himself?

Larry? Larry, you don't have to push it
through my back to kill me.

- Sorry, sorry.
- It's a gun. Bullets come out, you know?

All right, all right.

What's his name?

- You wanna give him your name?
- No.

If I tell him my name,
then he'll know who I am.

That's good thinking, Larry. That's real
good thinking. Why don't you make one up?

- Like what kind of name?
- Anything you want. You're in charge.

Okay. What about Smith?

What, are you checking into a motel?

- No, give me a first name.
- Oh, shit.

- Chip. Chip.
- Chip.

Yeah, like from Charles. Chip.

Chip? That's a name for a squirrel.
How about Charlie?

No. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
That's a commie name.

- Commie?
- Yeah. Like, it sounds Chinese.

How about Chuck?
That's an all-American name.

Okay, Chuck.

- Chuck, yeah.
- So I'm Chuck. Chuck!

His name's Chuck!

- Tell him to go away.
- Go away.

You're doing good, Larry.

Oh, man.

This ain't working out
the way I thought it would.

Yeah, it's 'cause you gone and screwed up
like you always do.

Excuse me, what was I supposed to do?

Sit around while you screw this guy
and everything else that moves?

What kind of man would I be sitting around
with my johnson in my hand?

- Well, that's about the only place it's been.
- You bitch!

Bobby, move in! Move in!

Come on,
we gotta rush this freak! Move in!

You guys should get an apartment
in Beirut. You'd be a lot happier.

Hey, hey! They're coming! They're coming!

- Everybody, get down!
- Larry, come back!

- Larry, come back!
- No, don't shoot! Don't shoot!

The police! They're here! Did you see that?

My foot!

I hit him! I hit him! I hit him!

- My foot, my foot!
- Stay down!

Now you see what I mean, Joey?
He's got a real need to screw things up...

Hey, shut up, bitch!

Get away! Get away!

Get up, get up.
Go on, get out of there. Get out of there.

Hey! Hey!

Get down! Get down!

He shot a cop! He hit one! He hit one!

Larry. Larry. What did you do?

He shot a cop!

You shot a cop?

- He shot a cop! In the foot!
- I shot a cop. I shot a cop.

- I shot a cop. I shot a cop.
- Larry. Larry, calm down.

- Calm down. Calm down.
- I shot a cop. I shot a cop.

- You didn't shoot a cop.
- I shot a cop!

You shot a foot, okay?

- Just a foot. Maybe only a shoe.
- I shot a cop.

Okay? Calm down.


- Turgeon Auto.
- Yeah, I hear you're having a sale today.


Do you still have the blue Allanté
I saw on the commercial?

- I don't know if we have the blue Allanté.
- We have two.

Maybe. I know it says one day only,

but maybe call back tomorrow.

- Look, I can be there in 15 minutes.
- Yeah, I'm tied up right now.

- I'm with a customer.
- I would like...

I gotta go. Thank you.

Joseph O'Brien is
one of the most wonderful men

- I've ever worked with...
- Joe, Joey. J-O-E-Y.

Could you please get your dog
to just shut up for a moment?

Shut up, you tight-ass, you!

Listen, you.
I have been in a hostage situation.

Let's go, let's go.

- Out of the way, out of the way.
- Detective Mason,

- can you make a statement...
- Not now.

- How about you, sir?
- Come on.

Move! Move!

- Sir, you're the owner, right?
- Yes.

Okay. Now, you're aware of the
situation across the street? The guns?

Right? Okay. We're gonna take your place
over for about a half hour tops.

We wanna set up a direct line
of communication. Telephone?

Direct line across the street
to the dealership, okay?

Are you gonna eat? Are you gonna eat?

Hey, pal, we're gonna eat plenty,
don't worry.

Unpack your gear.
Put my phone over there.

- Okay, there's explosives on the bike.
- Wasn't it scary?

- It was like one of the scariest things.
- I'm still shaking.

My knee. Oh, my knee.

- Can I get it?
- No way, man.

- Why not?
- It's the cops.

- It may be a customer. It's a sale day.
- No way. I can tell, it's the cops.

How can you tell it's the cops?

'Cause of the way it's ringing.
It's ringing weird!

Okay, yeah. It's ringing weird.
It may be the cops.

Hey, but what have you got to be afraid of?
Cops can't see you on the phone.

They can't hurt you on the phone.
They can't shoot you.

- Hey, let me pick it up.
- No way.

- Hey, maybe the phone company...
- No, no!

- Hey, let me get it!
- No!

It's making me nuts.
Let me pick up the phone!

- All right, get it!
- Okay.

- Turgeon Auto.
- This is the police.

- It's the cops.
- Oh, shit.

Hey, we were talking to Walters before.
Who's this?

Yeah, who are you?

I'm Elvis, that's who I am.
I'm back from the dead, and I'm pissed.

No, I'm Joey O'Brien, okay?
Sorry, it was a joke.

- Who are you?
- My name is Mason.

Captain Mason.
Yeah, how you doing in there?

How am I doing? Well, to start off the day,
was gonna lose my job.

Now I may lose my life,
and I think I shit myself.

O'Brien, O'Brien, listen,
I understand your position.

Three har gow.

All right, you do what you have to do,
but get this Chuck on the line

or we'll run out of alternatives.
Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, Mason, I know what you're saying.

Larry, we got a new guy here.
His name is Mason.

- I think you should talk to him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cop, the one I hit, how's he doing?


- Larry... Chip...
- Charlie... Chuck!

Chuck! Chuck wants to know

- how the cop he hit is doing.
- He's gonna be all right.

Says he's gonna be all right.
Tells you not to worry.

Thank God.

Okay, now tell me, what does he want?

Okay. He wants to know
what you want, Larry.

- What?
- He wants to know what you want.

I told him already. I want him to go away.

He wants you to go away.

Yeah, that's very funny.
What does he want?

He says that's not on the program, Larry.


Well, what am I gonna do?

I don't know. What am I gonna do?

He's a little up in the air right now.
Can you give him a few minutes?

- Yeah, we'll give him one minute.
- What are you talking, one minute?

- One minute?
- We're not under enough pressure

without you playing Beat the Clock?

- Come on, get real here!
- Yeah!

- This is the guy who shot a cop. A cop.
- Yeah!

He only shot him in the foot.

Yeah, I know it's just in the foot,

but that doesn't mean
he's not dangerous, okay?

- Right! You tell him!
- Yeah. You start telling him what to do,

who knows what the hell
he's gonna do to us, okay?

Yeah, you tell him
I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do!

They got the idea, Larry.

O'Brien. O'Brien, we'll give him 15 minutes.

Fifteen minutes. Thanks, Mason.
Thank you very goddamn much.

- What an asshole!
- What an asshole!


God damn it!

Larry, you wanna drill a hole in the back
of my neck with that fucking gun?


- What's this look all about?
- What? Me? Who?

You, pretty boy.


Hey, Joey, I bet this guy's been doing
Donna behind both our backs.

No. I really didn't.

I never even... I didn't touch her, really.

Yeah? Well, what was the look all about?

Just Joey, Larry. I swear to God.

Just Joey.

Larry, it's time you and I had that
private talk, and I'll tell you everything.


All right.

You and me.

Let's talk.

Everybody up!

Hurry, hurry!

All right, nobody try anything funny in here.

- Look, I'm sorry I didn't...
- Shut up!


Just cigarettes, Larry.

You smoke?

No, I don't.
It's a disgusting habit. Put it away.

Yeah, I'm trying to quit.



By the looks of things, it ain't been
so good with you and Donna.

What's it to you, man?

If things were going good,
you wouldn't be doing her.


You think doing her is more important
than the happiness of two people?

If I thought there was happiness at stake,
I wouldn't be doing her.

Yeah, right. So why are you doing it, then?

Hey, who knew it was such a big deal
till you came through that door, Larry?

Maybe she's doing me because she wants
to get back at you for doing somebody else.

Maybe you're doing everybody in town.
I don't know that.

I'm not, man.

Well, you could be.
I mean, you're a good-looking guy, Larry.

I'm not.

Well, hey, maybe you should. I mean,

Donna used to always say
how sexy you were.

She said I was sexy? She didn't say that.

She didn't not say it.

She's a lying bitch whore, is all.

Larry, what kind of a foundation
for a relationship

is calling your wife a lying bitch whore?

Well, she is a lying bitch whore.

Hey, she wasn't when you married her,
was she?

I don't think you're the type of guy
who'd marry a lying bitch whore.

I didn't know her too good
when I married her.

That's not good, marrying someone
you don't know too well.

- Yeah, well, tell me about it.
- Well...

Love sucks!

Yeah, but sometimes it's pretty nice, too.

Shit, is it hot!

- What do you do for a living, Larry?
- I'm a mechanic.

I used to fix airplanes
for Eastern over at LaGuardia.

That's a good job, Larry.
That's a lot of responsibility.

I got laid off.

- Yeah?
- I haven't worked in a year.

Why Donna had to get this job,
I don't know.

A man's gotta work.

Ain't that the truth? Boy, I think
you get everything from working.

You get your... You get money.
You get power.

You get your sexual attraction.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.
You're saying that a man without a job

is like a man without a dick.
Thank you very fucking much.

No, I'm not saying that at all.

- Yeah, you said that.
- I'm saying it's in your head.

- In my head?
- Well, not your head.

I mean, it's everybody's head. It's...


Fucking headache.

Larry, Larry, stay calm. They'll go away.

- How do you know?
- I know.


You know lots of things.

No, I know people.

When you sell stuff for a living,
you get to know people.

I don't know people so good.

Hold it. Don't push me, God damn it.

Oh, my God, there are cockroaches!
I got them all over me!

- The big cockroaches!
- Be quiet! Be quiet!

Let go!

Get down!

There's cockroaches up there!

Hey! You guys are really something.

I thought I could trust you.

Frankie, you bastard.

- Get him down.
- Let me down!

Move, move, move. Excuse me.

Joey! Joey!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

My boyfriend's in there. He's a hostage.

- Move.
- Hey, hey!

Officer, can you help me?
My boyfriend's in there.

Joey O'Brien, he's a hostage. Please!

- Okay, you can go.
- Thank you.

- Miss. Miss!
- Yes.

I'll have another one
of these shrimp-boat things.

Yeah. How many? Three, maybe?

- One.
- Okay, three. Thank you.

Ring through again.

Okay, come on.

Heat 'em up!

Wanna get that, Joey?

You got it, Lar.

Chuck's hotline.

I'm ringing and ringing and ringing.

- You gotta answer me when I'm ringing.
- Har gow.

What's going on in there?

I mean, we're being
very patient with this guy, O'Brien.

And what's he given us? Now you got
to get him to give us something.

Yeah, my boyfriend is in there hostage.

- I can't seem to...
- Look, lady, we're doing the best we can.

We got a phone hookup
into the hostage situation.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Good, thank you.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Joey! Look, I want...

Get that broad out of here!

- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
- What?

Get that broad out of here!

I could be of great help to you.

Now I'm fucked!

- What?
- That's it. We're coming in.

Mason! Mason, no, stay where you are.
We'll be okay, really.

We're all right in here.

- That's it. We're coming in.
- No, no, Mason, Mason. Don't come in yet.

Give me a moment, Mason, okay?
We're gonna work out something.

All right.

Larry, Larry, it's deal time.

Come on. You wanna take charge now?

Cut a couple of these guys loose.
Give 'em something.

Come on,
they all couldn't have popped Donna.

Some of 'em just came in
to buy a car today.

Come on. Be a guy, Larry, a no-shit guy.

- Okay, you.
- Yes!

Gentlemen, if you want to avail yourselves
of my services,

there's my card.
Pass them out among yourselves.

O'Brien, you got yourself a free coffin!

That's a hell of a thing to say to you,
ain't it?

- Ain't it?
- What about me?

I'm only customer. Just come to buy car.

I demand right to go free. Please, Mr. Larry.

Let me go, please. I'm just a customer, too.

Excuse me, I am also a customer.

- It's true. They are.
- That's right.

- So?
- So cut 'em loose, Larry.

I don't think so. Not him.

Why not me?

Well, he's doing your wife, too, right?

Yes, but what difference does that make?

Well, the way I look at it, we're like,
you know... We're in this together.

We're like brothers.

Hey, Larry, you can't hold him responsible
'cause his wife's having an affair.

Come on.

Well, how do you think I feel?
I can't walk out of here, either, can I?

We don't have anything
against each other, right?

So why don't I just give you something
to let me out?

Say, $25,000.

Twenty-five G's?

If that's not enough, tell me what you need.
I'll write you a check right now.

Think I'm some kind of idiot?

I wouldn't cancel it.

I swear. Look at the witnesses we have.

No, no, man. No, no, you don't understand.

If I took your money,
you know what that would be?

Extortion. I know what that is.

I ain't no extortionist.

But what difference?
You're already a kidnapper!

Hey! Thank you, Judge Wapner.

Why don't you also describe sodomy
in prison while you're at it?

Get him out of here. He's an asshole.

No, no, no. The asshole stays.
You two guys, you can go.

Thanks, Mr. Larry.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey!

Please shoot not me!

Please shoot not me! Not shoot me!

He may have a bomb or something.

- All right, pal!
- I am American citizen.

- All right, none of that Russian babble.
- I am American citizen.

Search him.

Hey, what's going on?

Watch the girl!

I couldn't have been doing your wife.
I just got out of the hospital.

I had prostate surgery.

That's right. He's got...
Show him your scar.

- Joey!
- Down!

Put your hands up!

- Cop!
- It's not a cop!

- It's a cop!
- It's not a cop!

- It's a cop! It's a cop!
- She's not a cop!

I'm not a cop! I'm Joey's girl!

It's your girl?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Really?

Lila, what the hell are you doing here?
Get out of here!

I love you, Joey!

I saw this crazy shit on TV.
I had to come down and see you.

You're screwing her, too,
and my wife and his wife?

How the hell you got time to make a living?

Joey, what's he talking here?
Joey, this true?

Come on, Lisa.

Lisa? I knew you were doing a Lisa, Joey.

- No.
- Jesus, what's that make it? Four?

How many girls you got?

Lisa's my daughter.

You got a daughter, Joey?
You probably got a wife, too!

- No, no, no, no.
- And a wife?

No wife. No! Ex! Ex! Ex! Ex-wife!

He's a busy boy, your Joey,
a very busy boy.

- Donna...
- What?

Tina... Chuck... Lila... Lola...

Lila! L-I-L-A, Lila!

Lila, listen, there's an explanation
for all this. There really is.

Yeah? I got an explanation for you, Joey.

You're a total shit, Joey, and I hate you!

I risked my lousy life for you, Joey.

Get out of here! Go!

You didn't have to say that.

- He didn't.
- No, man, you didn't need to do that.

That was mean.

That was really mean. You all right?


You got a lot of girls.

It's easy for you?

It ain't easy.

It's never easy.

What's your name? What's your name?

What's your name? What's your name?

Lila, Lila. I'm a designer.

I do jewels. I do clothes.
I did all these things myself.

I got an entire clothes line.

It's called Alalila.


My ex-boyfriend is in there,
the ex-Joey O'Brien...

- Are you Joey O'Brien's wife?
- Yeah. Well, no, I'm his ex-wife.

What's going on?

Get out of the way, man!
Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way! Move out of the way!

Move out of the way!

Move out of the way!

All right, stop the car. Stop the car.

It's Mr. Dipino. His son's a hostage in there.

Over there. Over there.

- Look! Looks like he's here!
- Out of the way!

- Out of the way!
- That's my kid in there. For Christ's sake.

Listen, what's going on?

- Where's my kid?
- Hey, where you going? You eat?

I'm not here to eat, lady.

Hey, let him in, all right? He's okay.

Hey, back off!

You no work here.
I work here. This the restaurant.

He wait outside.
You wait outside like everybody else.

No eat, no seat.

I'll get it. Sit down.

Heartbreak Hotel.

- Hey, don't push it, all right?
- It's a joke, okay?

Now ask Chuck
if there's anything he wants.

Some food, cigarettes, whatever.

- Okay.
- What?

NYPD takeout.

You want anything? Food? Cigarettes?

- No, not right now. Thanks.
- Okay. Not right now, thanks.

All right, listen.
Your wife wants to speak to you.

- What?
- Joey?

- Tina? You here?
- Tina?

It's my wife, my ex-wife.

What's she calling here for?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right. You?

What have you got to do with this?
Why is he holding you?

Well, I'm kind of in the middle
of a domestic dispute here.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Domestic dispute? What?

Well, yeah, a man-woman thing, you know?

- Does he have a wife?
- Yeah.

- You were fucking his wife!
- Yeah, I was fucking his wife, okay?

- Yeah, bingo.
- I swear to God, Joey,

I swear to God,
I almost think you deserve this!

Okay, Tina. Maybe I do deserve this.

Maybe I do, but what about
these other poor guys here?

Okay, listen. I just want to talk to him.
Put him on the phone.

- What?
- I want to talk to him now.

Okay. One moment.
She wants to talk to you.

- Oh, no.
- Come on.

- Joey, now. Please.
- Come on, Larry.

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello?

Hello? Yeah, hi, yeah. What's your name?

- Chuck.
- Chuck. Listen, Chuck.

I don't know if you have a family,
but Joey's got a daughter.

If you ever stop thinking about yourself
long enough,

you think about that, okay? You think
about us. You think about his family.

She's been out all night,
and she might be in trouble.

What's she saying, Larry?

- Really?
- What?

Your daughter, she might be in trouble.

- Louie.
- You know, I think

you're a prick and a selfish asshole
for keeping him in there

when he ought to be out here
looking for her!

- I'm an asshole and a selfish prick...
- Welcome to the club.

...for holding you in here when
you ought to be out looking for her.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Hey, it's all right.
You didn't know. It's okay.

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello?

- Chuck?
- Yeah.

Chuck, yeah. Listen, Chuck.

Joey's got a mom,
and she's real upset, you know?


What? What's she saying now?

Your mom, she's really upset.
She's watching it on television.

Oh, God.

Could you ask Joey
to just go give her a buzz.

She wants you to call your mom.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah, and Chuck?

- Yeah?
- What?

- Tell Joey that I think he should...
- Yeah?

...say to his mom that
everything's going to be all right.

You should say to your mom that
everything's gonna be all right.


How old is your mom?

She's an old broad, okay?

It's not gonna do her too much good
to hear this news.

Jesus, Joey,
calling your mother an old broad?

Come on. You call your wife a bitch.
Where do you get off?

Yeah, but she's my wife.
A mother is a mother.

Hey, what do you want me
to call my mother for?

What am I gonna say to her?
I say, "Hey, Ma, this guy's gonna kill me,

"but I got a great deal on a coffin"?
Get back.

Call your mother.

- What? No, I'm not gonna...
- Call your mother!

- No, what do you want me to call...
- Joey, call your mother!

- Okay, listen, Tine.
- Joey?

I gotta get off the phone right now.
I gotta call Ma.

- Joey, wait.
- What?

I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

- I really do.
- Bye.


I'm warning you, this ain't a good idea.

I mean, this and Dad in one year.

Hello, this is Joey.

- I got my ma this machine.
- Ma? She's got the machine on.

But she can't run it.

- Probably watching us on TV.
- Please leave a message after the beep.

Ma, pick up!

- Joey?
- Ma!

- I'm sorry I yelled.
- Joey, are you all right?

- I'm all right.
- You're bullshitting.

No, I'm not bullshitting you.

No, you can't bullshit your ma.

I want to talk to the man
who's holding you, Joey.

- What?
- Yeah, put him on.

- Come on, put him on now.
- Okay.

- She wants to talk to you.
- Oh, no.

- Put him on, Joey!
- Talk loud, she's a little deaf, okay?

Hello? Hello?

Come on. You asked for this.

- Hello?
- Come on.

- Hello? Can you hear me?
- Hello?

This is a terrible thing you've done,
scaring all those people!

- Are you listening?
- Yeah.

Well, you listen to me
and you listen to me good.

- Yeah.
- I'm an old woman, and he's all I have,

so don't hurt him! You hear me?

- All right.
- Yeah, yeah.

And don't you bullshit an old lady.
Don't you hurt my Joey!

Okay, I won't.

- Promise me you won't hurt him.
- I won't.

If you're not going to promise me,
you're bullshitting me!

So you better promise!

I promise!

Now, you prove to me that you're
a nice boy and promise one more time.

All right, I promise.

Okay, now let me talk to Joey.

- Looks like I'm not gonna kill you.
- Joey?

- Thanks, Ma.
- Everything is okay, Joey.

- Hey, listen.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, that'd be nice. We'll go find
that new place for you tomorrow, okay?

Will you have dinner with me?

Yeah, maybe we'll have dinner
tomorrow night.

- A little pasta fagioli, that'd be great, okay?
- Sure, whatever you want, Joey.

Ma, I gotta go, okay?

- Ciao, Mama.
- Goodbye, Joey...


- What are you doing?
- Larry.


- You a Catholic?
- I'm tired.

You a Catholic, Larry?

Yeah, why?

'Cause if you do that, you don't get
to go to heaven. You go straight to hell.

Larry, what are you doing?
You're scaring me.


Don't call me Oogie!

Larry! Larry, this is not gonna
get you out of this.

Larry, I can get you out of this, okay?

Let me talk to Mason.
Let me make him a deal, okay?

Let me just try something a little
off-the-wall, see if it sticks, okay?

Let me talk to Mason.
Just give me a second, okay?

That's all I need.

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Hello, Mason?
- No, this is Sergeant Whittaker.

- Get Mason, will you?
- Hang on.

- Yeah, Mason here.
- Mason.

- Is that you, O'Brien?
- Yeah.

- Okay, I'm listening. What's going on?
- It's Joey O'Brien. Listen.

Yeah, yeah.

- Chuck comes out of here voluntarily.
- Okay. Yeah.

Doesn't he get a little special treatment?

Yeah, we'll give him a limo,
take him to The Dating Game.


Yeah. Absolutely.
He deserves it, doesn't he?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Oh, no.

- No, Larry.
- Larry?

- Larry, Larry!
- No, don't do this, Larry!

- Larry!
- What? What?

- I got it! I got it!
- What? What? What?

It was right there. I got it!

- I got it!
- What?

A plan.

- Plan?
- A plan.

- A plan?
- Not just a plan, Larry. The plan.

The plan for you. The plan
that's gonna get you out of here.

And not just you. You and me,

because you and me, we're in this together.
You know what I'm saying?

If you don't get out, I don't get out.

What kind of plan? It's a complex plan,
but it's also real simple.

So stay with me, okay, Larry?
Stay with me.

'Cause it's got a lot of different parts.

And if you lose one part,
the whole plan could fall apart.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

Okay, Larry. First part, Larry,
the first part is you let everyone go.

That's good.

Isn't it?


Well, except me,

because you and me are in this together.

You let everybody go. It's the first
installment. Makes them think about it.

- Oh, no, no.
- Come on, man, it gets everything moving.

If you don't like that plan,
change the plan, Larry. It's our plan.

Make a new plan.
Work with me, Larry. Work with me.

Work with me.

Not everyone. Not him and not her.

That's a better plan, Larry, a lot better plan.
Isn't it?

Better plan.

Okay, guys, get out of here.

Okay. Good luck. Good luck.

Get out of here! There you go.

Come on, this way! Move, move, move!

Come on, run!

- Come on! Do it! Let's go!
- Come on!

Get that guy out of there!

- Come on! Run!
- Come on! Run!

Good plan, Larry.
You made a very good decision there.

Now, you ready for
the second part of the plan? You ready?

Here it comes. Second part.

This is where
we give them a little incentive.

We're gonna wind Mason up
like a cheap watch.

You ready? You cut Donna loose.

- Donna?
- What?

- Come on, Larry. You gotta.
- No!

- Why not? Listen.
- I just let everyone go.

I'm gonna let her go now?

Come on, Larry. It's part of the plan.

Hey, listen. What you gotta do this for?

Hey, why you gotta hurt her anymore?

You've done enough already
for one day, right, Larry?

Look at that. Look at what she's done here.

Look, you did that, Larry.
You almost blew her goddamn head off.

You tried to kill her, okay?

What did she do to you?
Did she try and kill you?

No, she didn't.

She ran around a little on you.

Come on, Larry, look at her. Look at her.

What are you keeping her around here for?
You gotta get it in proportion, Lar.

Hey. Tell you something else, Larry.

She ain't the only woman in the world.

I know what I'm talking about. Come on.

I don't want to go!


- Oh, now you don't wanna go?
- No!

- You wanna stay here?
- Yeah!

- Stay here and torture the fuck out of me?
- Yeah.

Get out of here! Go! Go ahead! Go!

- Get out of here!
- Fuck you!

Hell, I love you, Larry!

You jerk.

Get her out of there!

- Go, go.
- Come on!

Come on, come on.

Be careful. Come on, come on, come on.

Let go of me!
What are you doing? Jesus Christ!

You and Donna have
a very special kind of love, Larry.

You got a good woman there.
Come on. Harry.

Harry, come over here.

Hey, look at this.

Harry, Joe and Larry. The pet boys of love.

What's gonna happen to me?

I'll tell you
what's gonna happen to you, Harry.

Larry, you're gonna need
a lot of help to get you out of this.

No shit. 'Cause you're in pretty deep.

Here's where that help comes from.

And you know
what kind of help I'm talking about, Larry?

Money! And Harry's got lots of it. Lots of it.

You ready to give Larry that kind of help?

I get out of here in one piece,
you got whatever you want.

Anything you want.

I got your word? Because if you lie to me,
and you go back on it with him,

you'll be doing a little East-River
snorkeling. You know what I'm saying?

- You got my word.
- Okay, that's good.

How's that sound to you, Larry?
Sound good?

What? What? Yes? Yes? Yes? Come on.

They're gonna come in if you don't.
Come on, Larry.

Yes? Is that a yes? You with me? Yes.

- Yes.
- Okay, thanks.

Okay, shake his hand. There you go.

- You have my word. I won't abandon you.
- That's good.

I will not abandon you.

- I will never abandon you.
- Testify to that.

- I won't abandon you.
- Okay.

Trust me, Larry.

I won't abandon you.

I will not abandon you.
I won't abandon you.

- I will not abandon you.
- Get out of here.

I will not abandon you.

Someone's coming out. Hold your fire.

I don't think
he's going to abandon you, Larry.

You did it. We work well together.

I'm glad to be on your side, Larry.

God, I'm glad to be on your side, Larry.

Okay, you ready
for the final part of the plan?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- The final part of the plan.
- The final part. What's it?

You give up.

- What?
- Okay.

That's the final part of the plan, I give up?

- What kind of plan is that?
- Well, Larry...

Christ, I just let everyone go for that?

Yeah, but that's how it builds to that.
It builds to that, Larry.

Larry, I'm trying to help, okay?

Okay, look at it this way.
You turn yourself in.

- Does that sound better?
- That's crazy.

No, you're crazy.

That's what ties the whole plan together.

You see, Larry?
That's what ties it all together.

You're crazy, Larry.

You looked crazy
the moment you passed through that door.

You left sanity on the other side, okay?

You came into the twilight zone then,
because you came in here nuts,

crazy, loco en cabeza.
You know what I'm saying?

And you know why? 'Cause Donna,

Donna the "I love you,
fuck you, jerk" Donna,

tells you and makes you nuts.

She makes you crazy.

And it's not just Donna
that makes you crazy,

it's love that makes you crazy, Larry. Love.

And you know what?
Harry is going to get you

one of those motherfucking lawyers,
you know?

One of those lawyers
who got Oliver North off.

One of those guys who can get off
Bernard Goetz, Hinckley.

And they'll tell them you were crazy.

And Donna didn't just make you crazy.

Love made you crazy, Larry.
Love got you nuts.

And he'll tell that to the jury.

He'll go, "Larry was made nuts by love."

And what member of the jury,
whether it's a guy or it's a woman,

will not say,
"Hey, love does make you crazy."

Love makes you crazy.
And they're gonna let you walk.

And I'll tell you something else, Larry.

I'm gonna be by you every step of the way.

It's gonna be you and Joey O'Brien,

'cause I'm gonna be there
getting the lawyer,

making sure Harry pays for that lawyer,

and get you out of this,

because your problem is my problem.
You know what I'm saying?

So what do you say, Larry? A deal?

Come on, I haven't steered you wrong yet,
have I?

Be a guy, Larry. Time to be a guy.

No-shit guy.

Yeah, no-shit guy.

- Mason, here.
- Mason?

We're coming out of our own freewill.

- All right, we'll play it straight.
- Pay, sir. You pay.

No, he'll pay. It's all right.
Don't worry. He'll pay. They're coming out.

Walters? They're coming out.

Let me know when they're at the door.

Stay ready! They're coming out!

Stay on 'em. Stay awake.

Richie, Tony, stay on 'em!
Watch that opening! They're coming out.

It's gonna be all right, Lar. Gonna be okay.

Lar, why don't you put
the gun down now, okay?

No, Joey. Everybody's out there watching.

If I come out without a gun,
they'll think I'm a wimp.

I don't want to be no wimp.

Hey, Larry, no way you're gonna be a wimp.
Lose the gun.

They won't respect me without a gun.
They're cops.

Larry, the cops are gonna be real nervous
if you come out with a gun.

Well, they got guns. It makes me nervous.

Larry, come on, look, hey.

I don't have a gun.
It's gonna make me nervous.

Now, come on, lose the gun.


Larry, please. For me, please.

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take the bullets out.

Well, that's a very nice gesture.
Thank you, Larry. That's very nice.

Well, I don't want you to get hurt,
you know? You're, like, a friend.

Thanks, Larry.
Thanks for thinking about me,

but if you really don't want me to get hurt,
you'd lose the gun.

I'm not losing the gun, Joey.

Okay, Larry, but can I have the bullets?

- Why?
- Souvenir, you know? Little memento.

- Thanks, Larry.
- Sure.

It's empty.

- Forty-eight har gow I had?
- Forty-eight!

I had a shrimp boat is what I had.

He had a shrimp boat.
He had a shrimp boat.

- Come on, man.
- I didn't see no har gow.

I think you trickster maybe. You trickster!

He had a shrimp boat.
He had a shrimp boat.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- I'm gonna call the police, that's all.
- That's right.

- You're gonna call the police?
- Yes.

- Give me a divorce!
- You'll get it. You'll get a divorce.

At least if he was somebody!
I'm a man with his own business!

- A bum! Nobody!
- Do you want a divorce?

Do you want a divorce? You tell me.

What the hell do you want?

I wanna go to Florida!

All right, let's go.

Hey, Joey, thanks for talking to me.

Hey, Larry,
thanks for simplifying my love life.

Let's go.

Hey, they got TV cameras out there.

We gotta dress up a little.
We can't come out looking like this.

"Live at 5:00," you know? Come on.

- Jacket.
- Yeah.

It's a sale day.
I ain't walking out looking like this.

Come on, let us get through.
Let us get through to take care of her.

I think we should get you
to the hospital as soon as possible.

No, I'm not leaving
as long as my husband is in there.

- Look, just keep...
- Hey, get out!

This is not har gow.
That doesn't say, "Har gow."

You don't know how to read Chinese.

Well, that doesn't say har gow.

Hey, hold on here.
This doesn't look like a no-shit guy.

How am I doing here?

You want me to...

Yeah, a little bit, you know.
There you go. That's it.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Here goes nothing.
- Right.

Especially in that gun.

- Better keep this to your head.
- Yeah.

That looks crazy.

Okay, they're stopped at the door.

I call 911.

They're coming out, let's go.
They're coming out.

- Come on.
- Hey, you!

Where you going? Come back here!

Oh, God, Larry.

You got an empty gun there. This is crazy.

Yeah, right, that's the plan.
I'm crazy, right?

Yeah, right.

Okay, Lar, when we get out there,

I want you to drop the gun
when I tell you, okay?

Yeah, right.

- And keep the gun pointed at me.
- Why?

- Better at me than at the cops.
- Yeah, right, right, right.


- You ready, Lar?
- Yes.

Okay. We're coming out! Don't shoot.


That stuff you got strapped to your bike.

- It's safe?
- Yeah, it's okay.

You know, because if a cop gets blown up
trying to defuse it,

our little plan is down the toilet.

No, it's okay. It's okay. It ain't real.


You saying all that stuff
about you buying plastique in Jersey,

- that's bullshit?
- Yeah.

This is just my TV remote control thing.

That's pretty funny, Larry.

Let's go, Larry.

You are crazy, what am I talking about?

Get back! Get back here.

Stay with me, Larry.

- Come on, Larry, you're doing good!
- Oh, my God.

Stay with me. Come on, you're doing good.

Oh, shit.

I'm ordering you to release your captive!

Keep up with me, Larry.
Larry, keep up with me.

Drop the gun, Larry!


Don't shoot! It ain't loaded!

I got the bullets!
It's just a TV channel changer.

- There's no bomb!
- Stay down!

- What happened? What happened?
- Shut up!

- Move it!
- Bullets! I got the bullets!

What are you, nuts? Larry!

Let him go! Let him go!

I'm Captain Mason. Let him go.

- You lying sack of shit!
- What?

- You lying motherfucker!
- Joey!

Joey! Joey!


I talked him down and hid the bullets!

You had Stockholm Syndrome!

What are you talking about,
Stockholm Syndrome?

It's when you start feeling sorry
for the guy who's holding you captive.

The guy had a gun! The guy had a bomb!

The guy could've hurt you!
The guy could've hurt you!

- Get the stretcher.
- Move it! Go! Go! Get a move on!

- I got it!
- Come on, let's go! Move it!

Come on, let's go!

- Come on, let's go! Move it! Move it!
- Larry!

Okay, fellas, we'll take it from here.

Thank you, Joey. Thank you for everything.
I'm never gonna forget you for this.

I want you to know you got a job for life,
Joey. For life.

Not just me, okay?
Benny, Henry, the whole gang.

- Well, maybe we'll take Henry, but Benny...
- No, I'm through negotiating.

- You got it!
- Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey.

Thank you, Joey.
Thanks for taking care of my kid.

- He told me what you did for him.
- Hey, it was nothing, Tony.

- Nothing?
- Yeah.

Well, that's what you owe me, Joey.

Let's go. Come on. Come on.

What happened? What happened?

What happened?

Hey! Larry! Larry! You're gonna be okay.

- What happened?
- Larry! I'm gonna see you through this

every goddamn step of the way.

You hear me, Larry? You hear me?

Joey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. You crazy, Larry.

He's crazy. Get him out of here.

I never did Donna.


Let her through. It's his wife.
Come on, let her through.

Come on, get out of my way.



Okay, you got it.
Just help me find her, okay? You got it.

- Thank you, Joey.
- Don't mention it.


- Joey!
- Tina!



- Tine! Tina!
- Joey!

- Joey.
- Tina. Hey!

Let's get out of here. Where's Lisa?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Where the hell's your daughter?
- My daughter! Now she's my daughter!

Yeah, according to the court order, she is!

What are you yelling at me for?

I don't know.

Come here, you! God!

Oh, God.

- Looks like you missed all the fun.
- What are we gonna tell them?

"We"? I ain't talking to them, no way.

I'm gonna be in big trouble.
You better leave.

No problem. I'm gone.

Hey, you, underwear goes on the inside.

Come here, Lisa.

Come here. Come on.

I missed this.

You sure
you don't want me to drive you home?

Come on, Joey.

You don't get back
in the driver's seat that easy.


Hey, Tina.

You feel like giving
an old car salesman a second chance?

I'll tell you what.

You come over to the house
for supper tomorrow night

and we'll cook up
some of that old baloney of yours

and see how it goes down.


- Bye-bye.
- See you, Dad.

Hey, Joey! No more the hanky-panky!
You go straight home!

- Straight home.
- Yeah.

- Yo! Hey, Joey! Joey.
- Hey, Benny, I'm out of here.

Joey. Joey. Thanks, man.
Thanks for coming through for us.

Hey, Benny, that's our new motto,
"Everybody gets out alive!"

- Yeah. Monday?
- Monday.

Hi-yo, Silver!


Hey. You want a deal, you give me a call.

I think you know the number, right?

- Thanks, O'Brien.
- You got it.

God, I love to sell.

Oh, yeah!