Cactus Flower (1969) - full transcript

Toni Simmons believes that the only reason her married lover won't leave his wife is because of the children. In truth, her lover, dentist Julian Winston, doesn't have any children. In fact, Julian doesn't even have a wife - he just tells women he does to avoid getting involved. When Julian does decide to take the plunge with Toni she insists on meeting the first wife and Julian enlists the aid of his long-time nurse/receptionist Stephanie Dickinson to play the part.


♪ The time for love

♪ Is anytime, no matter what

♪ The season or the year

♪ The day for love

♪ Is any day, there's just

♪ No telling when it will be

♪ But when your heart is ready
you will find

♪ That spring is really
just a state of mind

♪ Some flowers blossom late
but they're the kind

♪ That last the longest

♪ Someday someone
will walk into a room

♪ And in no time at all
you'll be in bloom

♪ And that's
the timeless wonder

♪ Of the time

♪ For love




♪ Need

♪ I need to be been with

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Oh

♪ Keep talking 'bout all
the places that you wanna go

♪ You can't shout
your lovin' on me

♪ If you're walkin'
out the door

♪ Baby I needs, yeah

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Well, I'm doin'
my best, now, baby

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ When I'm getting
my rest, yes

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Well I'm back
in my satchel baby

♪ I needs to be
been with, yeah

♪ When I'm phoning my macho

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Every minute without you

♪ That seems ages
without your love


♪ I needs to be
been with, baby

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be
been with, baby


Hey in there,
something wrong?


Hey, I smell gas.

♪ Needs to be
been with, baby ♪




I'm not Julian. Wake up.

Julian, kiss me.

Sorry, Julian,
whoever you are.

Who are you?

What are you doing?


You were kissing me.

I lost my head.

Well, how did you
get in here? I don't...

You left your gas on.


Oh, I'm alive!

I blew it!

I blew it!
Oh, boy, I really blew it!

Take it easy.
Well, you're lucky I broke in.

Why did you?

I thought you were dying.

Well, that was
the whole idea.

Now, why don't you go back
and mind your own business

like everybody else
in New York city?

Okay, lady.

That's the last time
you catch me
saving your life.

Damn it,
you made me blow it!

Well, it happens you were
going about it all wrong.

I believe you're supposed
to put your head in the stove.

Well, it's
a second-hand stove.

There were no directions.

So, why did you do it?
Because of Julian?

How do you know
about Julian?

You called me that
while you were kissing me.

I wasn't kissing you.
You were kissing me.

And by the way,
is that all you did?

There wasn't much time.


Oh, I'm sorry. I guess
I should be grateful.

What's your name?

Igor Sullivan.

Igor Sullivan.
That's wild.

I made it up.

Ahem. How come
you picked Igor?

Igor's my own.
I made up the Sullivan.


It's a good name
for a writer.

You're a writer?

You're the writer!

The one who keeps pounding
on his typewriter all night?

You drive me crazy.

Why didn't you complain?
So I could
have met you earlier.

You haven't
told me your name.

Toni Simmons.

Uh, look, Toni, uh,
what did this Julian
do to you?


Well, he must have done
What, did he cheat on you?

Beat you? He's a drunk?
A crook?


Oh, he's married.

For life.

He's got three kids.

I don't know why
I'm telling you all this,
like you were Dear Abby.

Is that
that dirty rat Julian?

Oh, he's not a dirty rat.
He's a dentist.

A fine dentist,
Fifth Avenue.

With a wife
and three kids.

Well, that's one of
the things that
attracted me to him.

You go
for married men, huh?

I like honesty.

All my life people
have lied to me,
and I can't stand it.

Julian at least
had the decency to warn me
he had a wife and a family.

I was in love with him,
so I accepted it.

At first I thought
it was going to be a gay,
carefree fling.


Then came all those nights
when he couldn't make it.

And then he called tonight
and cancelled.


It was our anniversary.

Anniversary? Of what?

Julian and I met one year ago
at Stereo Heaven.

That's the record shop
where I work.

Stereo Heaven.
I've been there.
I never noticed you.

Well, Julian did.
And I noticed him.

He was charming, good-looking,

No sweatshirts.

Sorry, I didn't know
that suicide
was black tie.

You know, sitting here
alone tonight,
it suddenly came over me.

I have wasted
away my whole life.

Do you realize I'm 21?

It's a lucky thing
I smoke too much.

I was on my way down
to the corner
to get cigarettes.

The corner? Oh, my god!

What's the matter?

I wrote Julian telling him
what I was going to do.


What would be the sense
of killing myself
if he didn't know about it?

Where are you going?

I've got to get
that letter back.

Wait a minute!

Hey, how do you
plan to do that?

With a piece of string
and some chewing gum.

Look, you already
broke the law
when you attempted suicide.

Don't start monkeying around
with the Federal Government.

I guess you're right.

What time is it?

It's almost 3:00.

3:00. I've got to get up
and go to work in the morning.

Go away. I have to sleep.

Oh, hell with that.
I'll take the day off.

Yeah, why kill yourself?


Boy, you must be
a pretty corny writer.

What sort of things
do you write?


What kind of plays?

Very advanced.
All the actors
keep their clothes on.

Public's not quite
ready for that yet.

How do you live?

I get an allowance
from my father.

Oh, boy!

I was beginning
to feel sorry for you.

can't be poor.

if you need anything,
just pound on the wall.

I'll come right away.

Thanks, Igor.

Good night.



Igor, I want you to call
Julian for me in the morning

before he gets that letter.

Why don't you
call him yourself?

In the first place,
I'll be sleeping.

And second place,
I don't want to give him

the satisfaction
of hearing me cry.

Why not throw
a scare into him?
He deserves it.

Oh, he's liable to call
the cops or something.
Will you do it?

Yeah, all right.

He's in the book.
Julian Winston, D.D.S.,
Fifth Avenue.

Julian Winston,
D.D.S., Fifth Avenue.

What'll I say to him?

Just tell him I'm alive.
You're alive.

And I never want to
see him again
as long as I live!



Dr. Winston's office.


Igor Sullivan?
Is it about an appointment?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan,
but the doctor's
with a patient right now.

If you'll just
give me the message.

Well, if you insist
on speaking to him,

then you'll have to
call back later.

A caramel. One lousy caramel,
and the whole damned
filling came out.

Mrs. Durant, it was only
a temporary filling,

and you were warned
to be careful.

(TSKS) Caramels!

Well, good heavens,
I've given up
everything else.

Is the doctor
ready for me?

He was 20 minutes ago.
But since you were late,

he gave your time
to another patient.


Morning, Miss Dickinson.

Oh, thank you, Howard.

Would you please tell
the doctor I'm in a hurry?

Charles is expecting me
in half an hour.


Mr. Charles,
the hairdresser.

Today he's taking
care of me personally.

I can't keep him waiting.

Really, Mrs. Durant,

your teeth are more important
than your hair.

You really believe that,
don't you?





Dr. Winston's office.

Good morning, Mrs. Andrews.

Well, the doctor
is booked solid today.

Well, let me check with him.

Excuse me, Doctor,
Mrs. Andrews
is on the phone.

Her bridge is wobbling.

Tell her to come in
at 8:00 tomorrow morning.

Yes, Doctor.
And Mrs. Durant is here.

When you get a minute,
I'd like to speak to you.
All right.

Mr. Greenfield,
please don't handle
the instruments.

Say, I was reading the other
day that there's a dentist
in New Jersey

who has topless nurses.

I didn't know
you were interested
in reading.

She really turns me off.

I thought
all Swedish dames
were sexy.

I mean, I've seen
some of those movies,

but this one's
like an iceberg.

She's very efficient.

Have you ever seen her
out of her uniform?

I mean,
in street clothes?

I'll bet she wears
corrective hats.

Harvey, what you don't like
about Miss Dickinson

is exactly what I do like
about her.

She's like a wife,
a good wife,
devoted, competent

takes care of everything
for me during the day.

And at night,
she goes home, to her home.

And I, with no problems
and no cares,
go to my girl.

My life is arranged
the way I like it.

Your girl?

One girl? Singular?

Didn't I tell you?
It's been a year now.

Huh. That's not
the old Julian Winston
I knew in the old days.

The dancing dentist
at the Copa every night
with a new girl.

Toni has changed all that.
I don't want anyone else.

You mean you're in love
with her?

I tried to fight it.
Take last night.

I deliberately broke
a date with Toni

to go out
with another girl.

Airline stewardess,
tall, built,

Australian girl.

We went up to her place...

...had a few drinks.


Bite. Stay that way.

Hey, you can't leave me
hanging like this.

You wanted to see me
about something?

Yes, Doctor.

I've been meaning
to speak to you
about Mr. Greenfield's bill.

Miss Dickinson, you know
he's an old friend of mine.

Well, I think he's taking
advantage of you.

Miss Dickinson,
there are some things
a man just can't do.

I won't push
Harvey Greenfield
for money.

I've known him too long.

You do it.

Well, I'll be happy to.

What's this?

I ordered you
some new shirts.

The ones you're wearing
are frayed
around the collar.

You really should change
laundries. They're using
too much starch.

Please stop mothering me.

Here's a letter
for you, Doctor.

When I'm through
with Mr. Greenfield.

Rinse, please.

So, you went up
to her place.


You went up to her place,
you had a few drinks...

Oh, oh, yes.
The stewardess.
Yes, beautiful girl.


Well, then what happened?

Oh, nothing.
Toni stopped me.

Toni? She showed up?

In my mind.

Suddenly I saw
her face before me

and I couldn't
go through with it.
I left, walked out.

You wasted
a whole stewardess?


You going to get married?

Married? Who said anything
about getting married?

If you feel that way
about your girl...

I feel that way about my girl
because she is my girl.

You'd never catch me
feeling that way
about a wife.

Look, Harvey,
I've got a perfect setup.

Why spoil it
by getting married?

Well, that's a very
healthy outlook.
But what about her?

No problem.
All girls
want to get married.

I know. I've been
subdivided three times.

Not Toni Simmons.
She thinks
I'm already married.

Julian, you pulled
that old stunt
on her, huh?

The minute I met her,
I knew this girl
could make me do anything.

So just to protect myself
in the clinches

I told her that I had
a wife and three children.

Three children
is a nice touch.

Yeah, and I told it to her
right away

so that everything
between us would be
open and aboveboard.

Very good. Very good.

That's such a big, dirty,
rotten, filthy lie,
it has class.


I'm going to put this back

It should hold you
till next week.

All right, bite down hard.

That's it.
Stay like that.

Would you give Mr. Greenfield
another appointment?

Yes, Doctor.

Uh, I know you won't
have time to go out
for lunch today

so I, I made you some
of your favorite sandwiches,
chicken and egg salad.


The way you always
liked them.
If you say so.

Oh, Dr. Winston,
I'm so terribly sorry
I was late.

It's all right, dear lady.
That is all right.

But I understand
we've been very naughty.

Oh, I don't know
about you,

but all I had
was one little caramel.

Besides being bad
for your teeth,
Mrs. Durant,

think of how caramels
can hurt
those splendid hips.

Oh, isn't he
a marvelous dentist?


But with his talents
he would have made
an even better obstetrician.

In here, Mrs. Durant.

See you next week, Harv.

Now wait a minute.
I listened to you
about your girl.

Let me tell you
about mine.
I'm running a little...

She's a beautiful girl
with a figure
like a Greek goddess.

Yeah, yeah.
Great, big,
beautiful eyes.

Yeah, but her teeth
need work.

They overlap a little,
and I promised her...

Harvey, you pulled this
on me before.

Doctor, Mrs. Durant is ready.

But, Julian,
old buddy...

Oh, all right, send her in
and I'll see what I can do.

But don't you know any girls
with straight teeth?

Excuse me, Sergeant...
Uh, Miss Dickinson.

Dr. Winston asked me
to make an appointment
for a lady friend of mine.

How about
a week from Tuesday
at 7:00 a.m.?

You're kidding.
I'm asleep at 7:00 a.m.

Oh, I thought the appointment
was for a lady.

That's right.

We're both asleep
at 7:00 a.m.


I'm sorry.
I hope I haven't
shocked you.

No, but it must be
a terrible shock for her.

Will you get me
Mrs. Durant's chart, please?

Yes, Doctor.

By the way, Mr. Greenfield,
who is paying
for this treatment?

Put it on my tab.

There is no more room
on your tab.

HARVEY: Julian.

I feel insulted.

It isn't as if I'm
planning to stick you.

It isn't as if
you're planning
to pay me, either.

Look, uh,

things are a little slow
for actors
this time of year.

But as soon as
the new television
season starts...

How about Thursday
at 5:30 in the afternoon?

Or is that too early?

We'll set the alarm.

Uh, will you prepare
an anesthetic syringe,

Yes, Doctor.

You said something
about a letter?

Oh, and by the way,
your tailor called
about your fitting.

That's something
I can't do for you

any more than I can go
to the barber for you,

which, by the way,
you could also use.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong, Doctor?

Why didn't you
show me this before?

Well, I tried to, but...

Doctor! Doctor!

Are you leaving?

What about Mrs. Durant
and all the other patients?

You handle it.

Doctor, really!

If your girlfriends
start to come
before your patients...

Miss Dickinson, shut up!



Dr. Winston's office.

No, he's not here.

Now, look, Mr. Sullivan,
if it is that important,

you'd better tell me
about it.

What? Toni is alive?
Who is Toni? Hello?

Now, hello?


I didn't know dentists
made house calls.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it!

Knew what?

That you
wouldn't do it.

A whole day
full of appointments,
a dozen patients coming,

and you send a letter
that you're going
to kill yourself

and then don't.

Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you.

The whole thing
was a fake, wasn't it?

Everything between us
is a fake, Julian.

Just because I broke
one lousy little date
last night?

It happens that I had
a very important meeting

with an Australian dentist.

We were comparing techniques.

Don't try to spare
my feelings, Julian.

I know you were out
with your wife.

Well, if you know, you know.

I've made up my mind, Julian.
We're through.

What are you talking about?

We're so happy together.

We are?
Well, I'm happy together.

I've decided I want a man
of my own. Exclusively.

No more going halfsies.

So here. I packed
your pajamas, your toothbrush,
and your pic...


Toni, this isn't like you.

Hi. Oh, I didn't know
you had company.

It's only Julian.
This is Igor Sullivan.

Hello, Dr. Winston,
I just spoke to your nurse
on the telephone.

Something wrong
with your teeth?

No, I called to tell you
Toni's alive

and you didn't have to
worry about her letter.

You feeling all right,

I'm fine.
Thanks, Igor.

I wanted to make sure
you weren't playing
any more tricks with the gas.



Toni, I'm a bastard.

No, Julian.

A no-good bastard.

You really tried
to kill yourself over me?

Stupid, wasn't it?

I'm a bastard.

The biggest bastard
in the whole world.

Julian, please,

you're starting to make it
sound like bragging.

It wasn't your fault.

I knew what I was
getting into.

You've always told me
the truth.

I should've kept
my mouth shut.

You couldn't, Julian.
You're a decent guy.

That's why I fell
in love with you.

Now I'm returning you
to your wife
and your children.

I hope you'll be
very happy.

You know, Toni.
Everything's going to
be all right.

I'm going
to make it up to you.

Oh, sure.
You'll take me away for
another fun-filled weekend

at some motel.

No more weekends
and no more motels.

Toni, I'm going to marry you.

How do you mean, marry?

You know, marry,
with the judge,
the blood test,

the license.
That kind of marry.
Right away.

But what about your wife?

My wife? I'll divorce her.

What about the children?

I'll divorce them, too.

Julian, this isn't funny.

I should have done it
a long time ago.

Oh, baby, when I think
that you were ready to
die because of me...

Oh, Julian,
you really do love me.

Did you ever doubt it?

Julian, not now.

Why not now?

Igor's right next door.
He can hear everything.

Well, Igor's been
right next door before.

Yeah, but I hadn't
met him then.

Look, the sooner we move you
out of here, the better.

Now that you're going to be
Mrs. Julian Winston.

Imagine that.
Me, a married man.

I mean,
me, married to you.

Julian, wha-wha-what's
going to become of her?

Your wife.

Why do we keep talking
about my wife?

Well, you're going to
have to make some
arrangements about her.

What do you
figure on doing?

Simple. Hup, out!

Oh, is that what
you'll say when
you get tired of me?

"Hup, out"?

No, this is different,

I'm, I love you.

My wife and I...
I never even knew her.

How did
the three children come?
United Parcel?

Well, at the beginning
I was polite.

Look, will you stop
worrying about my wife?

She'll be taken care of.

What if she refuses
to give you a divorce?

She wouldn't dare.
Let's forget her.

I can't.

I can't. The thought
of being a housebreaker

sort of spoils things.

A home-breaker.
A housebreaker is a crook.

Well, I'm stealing you
away from your wife.

You may not believe it,
but I have
certain standards.

Toni, I haven't wanted
to go into this,

but what if I told you

that it's my wife
who wants the divorce?

Oh, God. You mean
she found out about us?

Let's just say that
she wants
her freedom, too.

Oh. Well, in that case,
I'll be proud
to marry you.

(MUFFLED) Oh, baby.




Hey, will you...


What the hell
are you doing there?

Fixing Toni's window.

Because if she waits
till the janitor
gets around to it,

it'll take forever.

Thanks, Igor.


Tell him to get
the hell out of here

and come back later.

Julian, don't be
so impatient.

Well, look,
now that we're engaged

don't you think we should
do something to celebrate?

I know.

Let's do something
we've never done before.


You can take me out
in the daytime.

Did you get enough




I want to meet her.

Your wife.
My wife?

I wanna get things
straightened out
with her.

Oh, come on, Toni.
That really
isn't necessary.

Well, I want her
to tell me herself that
she wants to leave you.

She does!
Have I ever lied to you?


You'll arrange it,
won't you, Julian?

Arrange what?

For me to meet your wife.

It's very important
she doesn't think of me

as some sort of


I don't want to have to
hide every time
I run into her somewhere.

Believe me,
you'll never run into her.


if I don't meet your wife,
I won't be happy.

And if I'm not happy,
then you won't be happy.

I'll bet this guy cheated
and used a ruler. (CHUCKLES)

When am I going to meet her?
And don't say who.

Baby, you can
take my word for it.

Julian, you've
got to promise...

I'll do nothing
of the kind.

Now let's just drop
the whole thing.

All right, let's drop it.

Do you know
what this represents?

Goodbye, Julian.


It was very nice
knowing you.

Just a minute.
Toni, come back here.

Forget it!
Wait a minute,
Toni. Toni! Will you...

All right, I promise.
You'll meet her.

You'll meet her!
You'll meet her!


Oh, Señor Sanchez.

The doctor,
he is waiting?

I tried to call you
at the UN,
but you'd already left.

The doctor had to cancel
all his appointments today.

Oh, really?
Well, that's too bad.

Oh, but as long
as you're here

we might as well
x-ray that tooth
that's bothering you.

That I don't mind.

But you're not afraid
of Dr. Winston, are you?

Well, it's funny,
because by nature
I am not a coward.

As a matter of fact,
I'm known in my
own country as El Bravo.

El Bravo.
How about that?

I have been through
six bloody revolutions.

At United Nations,
I've sat in my seat

and I've listened to
a nine-hour speech
by the Bulgarian delegate.

Yet, when it comes
to dentists, huh...

Well, we all have
our little weaknesses.

I have several big ones.

Now, Señor Sanchez.

Oh, I cannot help myself.

There is something
so provocative
about a nurse in uniform.

No frills, no adornments,
just the basic woman.

Now, you hold that
with your finger.

There we are.

Hold still, Señor Sanchez,
or the basic woman
is liable to x-ray your nose.

Hold still.


Thank you.

There we are.

You know,
Miss Dickinson, you are
a most attractive woman,

yet you try to conceal it.

Very successfully,
I'd say.

Ah, but we Latins
have a great eye
for hidden beauty.

You know, for centuries,
our women
were all covered up

with mantillas,
long dresses, veils.

So we, in self-defense,
have had to
develop an instinct

for guessing
what was underneath.

I'll give you
another appointment.


You're very charming,
my dear,
and so easy to talk to.

Ah, you are a woman
worth knowing.

What about next Friday
at 5:00?

Where shall we meet?

This is for you
and Dr. Winston.

But I would like for us
to have dinner
one of these nights,

with candlelight,
soft guitars...

Will you bring along
your wife?
Uh, my wife?

You would not like her.
Nobody likes her.

Let's make it
for next Friday,
after my appointment.

Señor Sanchez, I can't.
You're a married man.

This I cannot understand.

If I'm a married man,
it is my problem.

What has it
got to do with you?

I would not be prejudiced
if you were married.

Señor Sanchez,
how are you?

Come, come.
I can take you now.

Well, I cannot
take you now.


Uh, Miss Dickinson,
I, uh, I'm sorry I ran out
on you this morning.

I managed.
I knew you would.

Oh, you knew I would.
Well, I didn't
know I would.

But I did. Rearranged
all your appointments.

I told everyone
you had to go
to your dentist.

That made them happy.

I can always count on you
in a jam.

If you don't need me
anymore, Doctor,
I'm, I'm going home.

Oh, I'll get that.


Don't worry. You'll meet her.
You'll meet her.

Miss Dickinson.

Yes, Doctor?

Is... Uh, are you
in a hurry this evening?

Why, no, if there's anything
I can do for you...

I thought maybe
you'd like to come out
and have a drink with me.


Are you asking me to go out?

Why? Is there somebody else
in that closet?

I don't understand.

It's the most
natural thing
in the world

for a doctor
to take his nurse out.

Yes, but I've been working
for you for almost 10 years,

and this is the first time
that you have ever invited me.

Well, better a little late
than a little never.

And I suddenly realized
that I have no idea...


...of what your life is like
outside the office.

Tell me about
Stephanie Dickinson,

I, I don't know
where to begin.

That's a good place.

Well, I, I live
in Jackson Heights.

That much I know.

Um, yes. No, no.
I live with my sister Anna

and her husband
and their two boys

and uh,
a bulldog named Max.

Sounds cozy.

Yes. I like
large families.

And uh, I help Anna
with the cooking.

And after dinner
I walk the dog, or I read,

watch television,
if there's
a good documentary.

And sometimes
we play Monopoly.

Monopoly. That's fun.

And my, my brother-in-law
is very good at it,
but he cheats.

Um, then on Saturdays
I take
my two nephews to town.

We go to... To the zoo
or the park.

What do you do
on your vacation?

Oh, that's when I become
a different person.

and adventurous.

I saddle up
my little Volvo...

Volvo? That's a good car.

well, it's second-hand.

Well, I break away
from everything

and go tooling up
to Cape Cod.


Yes. Just me,
my paintbox and Max.

The dog.


For the two weeks,
I, I wear blue jeans
and walk around barefoot

and paint up a storm.

What about your personal life?
I mean, uh, uh...

You mean men?


At, at the moment,
there are no men in my life.

But there have been?

Well, Doctor,
I'm no sex goddess,
but, uh,

I haven't spent
my life in a tree.

I was married
when I was very young,
but it didn't work out.

Married? I had no idea.

Neither did he.


And once
I was very much in love.

It lasted for
a long time, but...


Well, he couldn't
leave his wife.

Him, too.

What do you mean,
"Him, too"?

Oh, nothing. I was thinking
of a similar case.

In this job,
you don't meet anything
but married men.

I suppose all the single ones
have good teeth. (LAUGHS)


Frankly, I hadn't planned
on being an old maid.

An old maid? Nonsense.
You've got
a long way to go.

Well, I've been
talking an awful lot

and I'm afraid
I'll be late for dinner.

Miss Dickinson.

I'm glad we had
this little talk.

You're a very rare person,
sensitive and generous.

Well, I guess
I'm all right.

I have a feeling
that if I found myself
in trouble,

I could count on you
for help.

But you know
that's true, Doctor.

But sometimes
a problem comes up
that's so difficult

that, uh...
Why don't you try me?


Miss Dickinson,
you could do me
a great service.

You see I'm desperately
in need of a wife.

Oh, Doctor.

Oh, please,
don't misunderstand me.

I never expected...

Oh, I need a wife temporarily,
15 or 20 minutes.

15 or 20 minutes?

I'm telling all of this
very badly.

Miss, Dickinson,
I want someone to play
the part of my wife.

Someone like me.

If only you would.

It wouldn't involve
any, uh, I mean, uh...

All, all you'd have to do
is tell a certain person
that, uh, you want a divorce.

You see,
I've suddenly decided
to get married.

I guess
I didn't tell you.

No. No, you
didn't tell me.

Well, I have.
Her name is Toni Simmons.

Oh, I'm supposed
to give you a message.

She's alive.

Well, that's only
part of it.

See, my problem is
she thinks
I'm already married.

Where could she have
gotten such an idea?

Well, at the time,
I had my reasons.

But, uh, I'll straighten
that out later.

At the moment,
I have to dig up a wife.

Well, right now, stop digging
and tell the girl
the truth. Good night.

Well, I can't tell her
anything now,
Miss Dickinson.

She's liable to...

Well, she's so young

and she's had
a lot of unfortunate

I'm the first decent man
she's ever met.

Are you quoting her,
or you?

Toni is a wonderful girl.

She won't get married
unless she meets my wife.

I mean, she's straightforward,
she doesn't want to
be a housebreaker.

I mean, a house-wrecker.
Isn't that sweet?

Just darling.

She works at Stereo Heaven
in the Village.

And if you would
just go and meet her...

Doctor. I'm sorry.
I hate lies.

No more than I do,
Miss Dickinson,
no more than I.

But I don't know
how to
get out of this one.

My happiness
lies in your two hands.

For years, these two hands
have held nothing
but your instruments

and your appointment book.

You've managed to handle
your happiness
without any help from me.

And now you want
to use me in this...

In this contemptible way.

You just tricked me
into talking about myself
so that...

What you did
wasn't very nice, Doctor.
Not very nice at all.


You just can't get
decent help these days.



I thought
you were taking us
to the zoo today.

Oh, this is much better
than the zoo.

Now, here,
you go and buy yourselves
an ice cream, huh?

I'll be over there
in the record shop.

And I'll...
I'll meet you here.



Don't you have this
in mono?

Uh, it's been

Let me look in
the stockroom. Maybe
we still have a copy.



Can I help you?

No thanks. Just browsing.

When do you expect
the recording
of the Horowitz concert?

Oh, it should be in
later this week.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Looking for something
in particular?

That, uh, Horowitz album,
if I order it now,
will you mail it to me?

Most certainly.
May I have your
name, please?

Mrs. Julian Winston.

And do you have
an account with us?

No, but my husband does
a lot of business here.

Surely you remember
my husband.

Well, I may have
assisted him sometime.

Oh, I wouldn't be surprised.


Maybe you didn't
catch my name.

Mrs. Julian Winston.

Uh, Marcia?


Would you handle this?
Uh, my customer,
I'll take care of this.


Mrs. Winston,
I'm Toni Simmons.

I suppose you came here
to see me.

Dr. Winston, my husband,
said that you were
most anxious to meet me.

Well, here I am.

Um, did he, uh...

Did he tell you
about our, our plans?

Uh, the divorce.


Well, what?
You don't mind?

Oh, the doctor and I
are in complete agreement
about the divorce.

(EXHALES) I can't tell you
how good that makes me feel.

I really
made your day, hmm?

Well, you see,
Mrs. Winston...

Call me Stephanie.

After all, I won't be
Mrs. Winston much longer.

Oh, then you do mind?

Of course not.

Oh, things between
the doctor and me
have become impossible.


Oh, I can't tell you
how good that makes me feel.

I'm glad.

May I ask you a question?

Are you absolutely sure
that you love Julian?

Do I love him?

Do you?

Madly. Wildly. Desperately.


As long as
you're fond of him.

I don't want him
to end up
bitter and unhappy.

Oh, I understand,

especially after he had
such a terrible marriage.

It was not so terrible.
Our marriage, after all,
lasted 10 years and we...

I notice you're not
wearing a ring.

Well, when something
is over, it's over.

Well, I just hope
that you have better luck
with Julian than I did.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Uh, there's just one thing
that's bothering me...

I'll be happy to play this
for you, if you'll just...


Mrs. Winston,
who's going to
tell the children?

The children?
Oh, it's going to be tough

such a horrible thing
to three young children.


We have to tell them.


Well, I'll, I'll tell them.
Julian is no good
at that sort of thing.

How will they take it?

Oh, they'll
get used to it.

At least now I'll be able
to devote myself
to them full-time.

I've been so busy
helping Julian
with his work.

Of course,
he does have a nurse.

Oh, I know.
I hear Miss Dickinson
is marvelous.

She is.

One of those
sterling old maids,

probably madly in love
with the boss.

Did Julian
tell you that?

No, not exactly.
But one night
when he was working late,

I suddenly got jealous
of Miss Dickinson.

(GIGGLES) When I told
him about it, he just
laughed and laughed.


Have you ever been
jealous of her?

Not me.

Any woman who marries Julian
had better not be
the possessive type.

Oh, I know Julian
must have played around.

But after all,
when a man has
a terrible marriage...

Don't keep saying that.
Now, I must go, really.

Mrs. Winston,
you asked me a question,

and now I want
to ask you one.

Are you absolutely sure
you don't love him anymore?

But of course
I don't love him anymore.

But you can't leave a man
after so many years

without feeling
a little pain.

A man with whom
you have shared all normal,
everyday things.

Worrying about
his barber, his tailor.

Making sandwiches for him.
Oh, he's crazy about chicken
and egg salad sandwiches.

And buying his shirts,
his pajamas,
his handkerchiefs,

looking after him.
Planning for him.

A man who's all yours.


At least, almost all yours.

Oh, I don't know
what has come over me.

I'm talking nonsense.
It must be that music.


You will see that I get
that Horowitz album?

Of course.
Shall I charge it
to Dr. Winston?

No, I'd better get used to
paying for things myself.

You want it sent
to your home address?

No. Uh, send it
to 975 Glenwood,

uh, Jackson Heights,
Apartment 3A.

You moved out?

Yes, I packed up everything,
including the children,
and moved in with my sister.

I thought
that was the best thing
for everybody.

Mrs. Winston!

What about your future?
What's going
to become of you?

Oh, I'll just ride off
into the sunset
or something.

Well, it's just
that I want to be sure
you're all right.

Well, I'll...
I'll write you
every day.

Mrs. Winston!

I want you to know I think
you're a very gracious,

and very brave woman.

Oh. Thank you, my dear.


I thought it was Toni.

What if it had been?

I just, I wanted to get
my electric razor
out of her apartment.

Why would it be in there?

Because you can't
slash your wrists
with an electric razor.

I took all her blades
away from her.

I wish you'd butt out
of my fiancee's life.

"Fiancee." now,
look, Dentist...

Why don't you stop
stringing the girl along?

You know you're not
going to leave your wife.

For your information, sir,
Toni and I are
getting married.

She didn't tell me.
Why should she tell you?

TONI: Hey, Igor.

That's a new towel.
Hello, Julian.


I, I just heard
the good news.


Thanks, Igor.
It'll take a while yet.

TONI: But first
there's the divorce.

Oh, we haven't
gotten our divorce yet?

Would you give Tarzan here
his electric razor?

Oh, I'm sorry, Igor.
I should have
returned it.

So, you haven't
gotten the divorce yet?

I'd like to have you
in my chair
for five minutes.


Next time,
don't come calling
in that outfit.

You want me to get
all dressed up to shave?


How come you're so late?

Julian, I had a visitor
at the shop this afternoon.
Your wife.

She came?

She was magnificent.

Handled herself beautifully.
She's a real lady.

Well, I don't marry
just anybody.

Then everything
is all cleared up?

Julian, you lied to me.

What? Never!
What did she tell you?
I deny it.

Well, you may not be aware
of it yourself, Julian,

but your wife
still loves you.


I'm telling you,
your wife still loves you.

Now, did she
or did she not

tell you that she
agrees to a divorce?

But she's only doing it
to make you happy.

She's crazy about you.
Anybody can see that.

Toni, let's stay calm.

Tell me
what the damn fool...
What my wife said.

Well, it's not what she said,
it's what she didn't say.

All right, tell me
what she didn't say.
Word for word.

Well, it was the way
she talked about you,

and your barber,
and your shirts,
and your handkerchiefs.

I got all choked up.

And she mentioned
those chicken and
egg salad sandwiches.

You mean to say she bragged
about her damn sandwiches?

She didn't brag.
She just told me
she made them.

It sounded as if
they were made with love.

Well, they were made
with mayonnaise.
And too much mayonnaise.

And next time
she gives me one,

I'm going to smack her
right across the mouth
with it.

There's a very cruel
streak in you.

This fine woman who...
"This fine woman"?

Suddenly you're
my wife's lawyer.

Uh, Toni, you wanted
to see her. I fixed it.

Well, that was
a mistake.

Maybe if
I never met her...

But I did meet her,
and I liked her.

Especially after
I saw her
with the children.

The children?
She brought the children?

(SIGHS) They were waiting
for her across the street.

Not the little girl,
just the two boys.

Must be those damn nephews.

how old is Peter?


Peter, that's your
older boy, isn't it?


Yes, that's, uh,
Peter all right.

Well, let's see, how old
would he be now? Um...

You told me
he was eight.

Well, if that's
what I told you.

Well, he looked more
like 12 to me.

Yes, well... No, it's...

It's the younger boy
who's eight.
Peter, uh... Peter is 12.

That's very interesting,

considering you've only
been married 10 years.

Come on, Julian,
the truth.

Well, all right.

The truth is that Peter
was a premature baby.

He was born
before we were married.

I'm glad.
That confirms everything.

How's that?

Don't you see?

Here's a woman
who gave herself to you
before you were married.

That proves
it was true love.

Oh, for
God's sake, Toni.

And I'd feel guilty
if I did anything to...

Toni, I told you
that she wants the divorce
as much as I do.

JULIAN: And for
a very good reason.

What good reason?

What good reason? Huh!

Oh, boy!


Another guy.

Your wife? Another man?
I'd be very much surprised.

Toni, that's
the kind of thing
a man with a normal ego

wouldn't lie about.

Well, maybe you're right.

Knowing the fact
that you've been
cheated on,

that you wife did that
to you, makes it all
seem nicer somehow.

Just as long
as you're happy.

Why shouldn't she
have a boyfriend?

After all, you
have a mistress.

You nut.

Julian, if we're going
to dinner and a movie...

Why don't we stay in tonight
and scramble something?

I don't think we ought
to do this anymore.

Well, now that
you're getting a divorce,

we ought to be
more careful.

We wouldn't want this
to get messy.

Of course not.
But, baby...

It's only for six weeks
while your wife
goes to Reno.

Reno? Hell, I'm going
to send her to Mexico

for one of those
quickie divorces.

In, out, finished, bingo.


Do you think
he'll marry her?


Your wife's

I don't know. Maybe.
Who cares?

I'm curious.

What's he like?
What does he do?

I haven't
the slightest idea.
I don't know him.

Wouldn't you like to
meet him?
Sort of look him over? Hmm?

Toni, you're getting
that look
in your eye again.

Two, please.

Julian, this man
may become your
children's stepfather,

maybe he'll rob your wife,
exploit her, beat her!

You have to arrange
for us to meet him.


All right, I'll do it myself.
Now that I know her,
I'll just call her.

No, no, no, you mustn't!

Julian, if you won't do this
one little thing for me...

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

But it's such a little thing.
All we have to do
is find a man...


And now, if you'll
excuse me, I...

I have to develop
some x-rays.

I'm afraid I threw
this boyfriend thing
at you too quickly.

I'll get rid of Mrs. Durant,
and then...

It won't
do you any good.

Boy, you're getting
as prickly
as your damn cactus.


What's going on out there
between you two?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

in particular.

Don't try to
fool me, Doc.

I have a very good nose
for sexual tension.


That's very funny,
Mrs. Durant.

Very funny.





You'll ruin the x-rays!

Now, listen, Miss Dickinson,
before the next patient
shows up...

No, you listen to me.
You asked me
to pose as your wife.

It was preposterous
but I did it and I think
I did it beautifully.

Problem is, too beautifully.
Toni thinks
you still love me.

Not you, my wife.

How could she get
a ridiculous notion
like that?

From you.

I behaved like
a dignified, civilized,
willing-to-be-divorced wife.

Naturally I couldn't take
my situation lightly because
there were children involved.

Why did you have
to bring them along?
That's what choked her up.

I always take
my nephews out
on Saturdays.

If I can't spend
my weekends
as I see fit, Doctor,

me and my cactus
will be glad to resign.

Miss Dickinson,
you know I can't get along
without you.

Of course I do.
You must help me,
Miss Dickinson,

not only as a friend,
but as a nurse.
It's your professional duty.

Ha! Professional.

My problems with Toni
are beginning
to affect my work.

Do you know what
happened just now in there?

I hurt Mrs. Durant.
She felt pain.

It's the first time
in my life
I've ever hurt a patient.

Too bad it wasn't
Harvey Greenfield.

Miss Dickinson,
you played the part
of my wife once

and you enjoyed yourself.
Admit it.
You did enjoy it.

Yes. It wasn't too bad.

All right.
Now here's your chance
to play a return engagement.

No actress quits
after one performance.

Oh, so, I lose a husband
and gain a lover?

At least I don't feel
completely abandoned.

Good, wonderful.
Now, all we have to do

is to find someone
to play the part
of your boyfriend.

What about Señor Sanchez?
He keeps sniffing around me.

What about
your brother-in-law,
the dirty Monopoly player?

Doctor, you want me
to act the part

and now you want me
to furnish my own props?

I need a boyfriend,
you find me one.

That's not going
to be easy.

I mean,
we have to find someone
I know I can trust.


Am I late?

As a matter of fact,
you're just in time.

Not him! Not him!

Hey, what's
going on here?

Boy, does she hate me.

You're wrong
about that.

Harvey, how would you like
to have your girl's teeth
fixed for free?


I thought
you'd never show up.

You mean,
you hoped.

Right this way,
Mr. Greenfield.

Why did you choose
this place?

It's the new in spot.
I never heard of it.

Nobody has. That's why
it's so popular.

Now, what'll you
have to drink?

Let's go all out
and have champagne.

Very good, madame.


Now, where are they?

They'll be here.

You know, you look different
when you're all dressed up.

In the office,
you sort of look like
a large Band-Aid.

Mr. Greenfield,
I couldn't care less
what you think of me.

Hey, I'm supposed to be
your lover, remember?

That's the reason
you're getting a divorce.

So, uh, let's act
a little crazy about me,
shall we?

Your hand.

What about my hand?

It's on my knee.

Sorry, I thought
it was mine.

Shall we dance?

I'd rather
walk on hot coals.

This is going to be
a smashing evening.

Oh, I didn't know
they made champagne
in Idaho.


Drink up. It'll make me
look better to you.

There isn't that much
wine in the world.

To our love affair.
God forbid.

Oh, there they are.

Quick what?

Act natural, romantic.
Flirt with me.

You want me to act natural
and flirt with you
at the same time?

you really are a louse.

A Scotch and water
and a Scotch and soda, please.

Julian, don't look now,
but it's your wife.

My wife? Nonsense.

No, I'm sure that's her
over there with that man.

Yes, that's my wife,
all right.
And with her boyfriend.

Well, what do you know
about that?

Oh, this is embarrassing.

Well, you insisted
on seeing him.

I know, but now I feel
like a spy. Let's go.


Look, as long
as we're here,

how do you know
that's her boyfriend?

Well, who else could it be?
Besides, look at them.

They act very affectionate.

Yes, they do.

I thought she
only played Monopoly.

Hey, go easy on that stuff.
I'm not sure
I can pay for it.

Don't worry.

Dr. Winston gave me money
to pay for the check.

Thank you.

I don't think
they've noticed us.

We'd better
push things a bit.
Let's dance.

But when I
asked you before ...
Shut up and dance.

She dances, too.

Everything about your wife
seems to surprise you.

Oh, it's been so long
since we've
really communicated.

Come on, I want to
look at them closer.


Your hand!

Look, I'm only human.


Oh, sorry.
Oh, hello, Julian.

Talk about coincidence.

Good evening,
Mrs. Winston.
Good evening.

I want you to meet my...
Hi, honey.

I'm Harvey Greenfield,
her boyfriend.

this is my husband.

Good to meet you, old man.
I've heard a lot about you.

Join us for a drink?
No. Well, I...

Well, after all,
we are civilized people,

unless, of course,
you two
prefer to be alone?

Hell, no! I mean,
we are civilized people.

Look, why don't you
come to our table?
This party's on me.

What do you think of him?
Ask me later.

It's strange to see you
in a nightclub.

I didn't realize
you were such a swinger.

Oh, you never
really knew me, my dear.

Can we have
some more glasses
over here, please?

Julian thinks of me
as a homebody

because of all the years
I was trapped
by the children.

Of course.

By the way, Mr. Greenfield,

How do
you like children?



That's the kind of joke
made by a man who is trying
to hide his feelings.

Deep down, I know
you really love children.

Deep down.

Oh, yeah. Oh, deep down.
Yes, yes, especially yours.

I'm nuts about them.

Mr. Greenfield,
uh, what kind of work
do you do?

Oh, I don't work
for a living, honey,
I'm an actor.

Why don't you
pour the wine?

An actor? Isn't that
a very insecure profession?

Only financially.

That's quite a girl
you got there, Julian.

I hear it's going to
happen very soon
between you two.

As soon as
we can make it.

Julian, I hardly think
it's the moment to...

Come on, now, Toni.
We have nothing to hide
from these people.

Yeah, it's all
in the family.

Stephanie and I
have nothing to hide
from each other either.

Oh please,
change the subject.

Look at her blushing.
Isn't she cute?

Really, Harvey...
She acts kind of
cold in public

but when we're alone
together, oh, boy.

I forgot you knew her
as well as I do.

She's absolutely...

Let's have
another drink.

The party's dying.

Oh, there you are, Harvey.
I'm sorry I'm late, honey.

Hello, everybody.

Won't you sit down?

No, she doesn't want to.
We have to talk now.
It's business.

Well, did we have
a date, or didn't we?

Please excuse us, folks.
She's the daughter
of my TV sponsor.

Silly debutante.
I'll be right back.

What are you
trying to pull?

Quiet, or you'll be stuck
with your old teeth.

Uh, would you
excuse me, please?

I'll go and
powder my nose.

Do you want me
to go with you?

No, dear.
I'm all right.


Well, Julian.

What's wrong?

He's a bum.

Oh, I wouldn't
say that.

You didn't catch it,
but earlier I saw her

slip some money to him
under the table.

That doesn't
mean anything.

Did you get a load
of that girl?

Well, I wasn't paying
much attention.

When she bent over
it looked like she had her
knees up inside her dress.

Now look, I could give you
a dozen explanations,

but you might as well
know the real one.

I'm a member
of the CIA.

The CIA?

I thought you were
a television actor.

That's my cover.

So, if you ever see me
in public
with another girl,

you must pretend
not to know me

or it could
put my life
in great danger.

Oh, I wouldn't want
to do that.

It doesn't matter
what we think of him.

It's my wife
who loves him.

Loves him? Didn't you see
how humiliated she was?

Well, Toni, I...

What do you want me
to do about it?

We have got to save her
from that man.

Toni, the man
probably had a little
too much to drink.

Why do you keep
defending him?

I'm angry enough
because you were
so chummy with him.

Julian, my respect for you
is going down every minute.

Hey, is the party
still going on?

Not for you,
Mr. Greenfield.

I don't like the way
you treated my wife.

A joke's a joke.

And I don't like
the way you behaved
toward my girl either.

I want you to leave quietly
and never see my wife again.
Or my children.

Well, wait a minute,

If I hear that
you've been bothering
Stephanie again,

I'll knock
all your teeth out.

You'll have to put them
back in again.

Get out!

I guess that'll
take care of him.

You know, Julian,
I've never seen you being
so physical before.

And you were beautiful.

Ah, it was nothing.

What do you say
we go over to your place
where we can be alone?

I'd like that.

Well, I am a little tired,
so I think I'll go home.
If you'll excuse me.

You're going home alone?
Without an escort?

Oh, I'm used to that.
Thank you. Good night.

Good night.

Mrs. Winston.

Wait. Uh, Julian
can drop me off
and then drive you home.

No, no,
I couldn't do that.

Oh, he'd be glad to.
Won't you, dear?

It's all settled.

Thank you, Toni.

It's been so long
since Julian and I
have gone home together.

You're a great
little fixer.

I'll dump her
in Jackson Heights and then
come back to your place.

No, Julian, not tonight.
Stay with her.

Are you out of your mind?
What the hell am I
going to do with her?

You're gonna be
very nice.

Now, wait a minute...

Very nice, to please me.

Well, Doctor,
I know how anxious
you are

to dump me and get back
to Toni, so you...

I'm not going back there.

You're not going back?

Toni thought
you looked so sad
and humiliated,

she told me
to stay with you.

Stay with me?

Now, let us get
our stories straight.

As far as Toni is concerned,
are we supposed to have
spent the night together?

No, of course not.
I've thought
the whole thing over

and I've decided
to tell the truth.

Good for you.

I'll buy her a nice,
expensive present
and tell the truth,

then she and I
can get married.

Then everything is fine.
No, it isn't.

'cause when she finds out
that I've been lying,

she's liable to do
something desperate.
It's all your fault.

You did all you could
to louse me up.
Harvey was trying his best.

You didn't have to
put on that act
about being humiliated.

That was no act.
I was humiliated.

Miss Dickinson,
you have this
hang-up about men

that forces you to destroy
any possible relationship.

That's really what
causes you hate Harvey.

No one needs a reason
for hating Harvey.

You completely
de-feminize yourself.

I've noticed it
around the office
and around me.

Now, Doctor, I was hired
as a nurse-receptionist,
not as a geisha girl.

You're afraid,
Miss Dickinson.
Afraid of emotion,

afraid of intimacy,
afraid to live.

If you call that living,
the way you carry on,
Doctor, then you're right.

I'm only telling you this
for your own good.

Funny how, whenever
people hurt your feelings,

they're always doing it
for your own good.

Turn right
at the next corner.

Hi, Igor.

Hi. You got Aida
with Callas?

You know, I haven't
heard your typewriter
last few days.

I'm too depressed
to work.

Sometimes, I wish
my mother
had taken the pill.

What's your problem,
a girl?

No, I've outgrown
that stuff.
Sex is for teenagers.

Seem to need something else.
I don't know what.

I know exactly
how you feel.

Hey, can I read
your play sometime?

Yeah, it'd be nice
if somebody did.

Well, I'd like that
very much.

Want me to put it in a sack?
No, I'll listen to it here.


Do you always stand
up there like that?

Nobody around here looks.
Most of our customers
are classical.

What are you doing here?

My lunch hour,
and I brought you
a present.

A present? It isn't even
my birthday or anything.

Open it.

Let's go in the back.

Gee, I wonder
what could be in here.


Black leather slacks?

Black leather slacks?
Can't you think
bigger than that?

What could be bigger
than black leather slacks?
Okay, I give up.

A mink stole!

A mink stole!

And a card, too.

"Your next appointment
is on..."

"As ever, Julian."
How sweet.

Aren't you going
to try it on?

A mink stole. (GIGGLES)

Okay, Julian, what are you
trying to tell me?

What makes you think
I'm trying to
tell you anything?

You're not
a stingy man, Julian,

but you're not the last
of the big-time
spenders, either.



As a matter of fact,
there was something
that I...

I wanted to tell you.

It's, uh...
It's about me
and my, uh...

Your wife?

I get the message.

You do?


Last night, you and she...
For old times' sake.

(SCOFFS) That's absurd.

Julian, don't apologize.
After all, it was I who
told you to be nice to her.

Of course,
it was up to you
to decide how nice.

Oh, look, Toni, it's
nothing like that. It's...

You see, the fact is,
Stephanie is...

Miss Simmons.

Would you step in here
for a moment, please?

Yes, Mr. Shirley.

May I ask
what's going on here?

Um, this gentleman
is looking for a, a stereo

to match the color
of his wife's mink.

When I think how many nuts
are running around loose
in this town...

Carry on.

Now, go ahead.
You were saying
Stephanie is...

Yes, you see,
Stephanie, uh, is...

Oh, come on, Julian,
let's have it.
You know me.

I can forgive
anything but a lie.

Forget it.

Let me try to help.
You have a problem
with Stephanie, right?

Never mind.
Let's see, she drinks?


She's a kleptomaniac?

Uh, she takes acid?


There's only
one other thing

I know a man would
really be ashamed
to talk about.

Stephanie is
no nymphomaniac.

I guessed it?

That's what you
came here to tell me?


Well, go ahead,
give me all the details.

What can I tell you,
except my wife, Stephanie,
is a slave to her desires?

Well, that's a very
sweet way of
describing a nympho.

You can imagine
what my life
has been like.

Julian, you've got
to take the children
away from her immediately.

Why? It's not catching.

You, you, you've got
to fight her for custody.

You have...

Come to think of it,
the children don't look
much like you.

The whole thing
is too painful
to talk about.

Oh, you poor darling.
When I think of
that awful woman.

What am I saying?
She's not awful.

I mean, she's marvelous.
I admire her courage.

Well, now that
the whole ugly story
is out,

we'll never mention
her name again.

You know what I was doing
when you arrived?

Sending a present
to Stephanie.
She likes Horowitz.

What's her address
in Jackson Heights?

Why don't you just
send it to the office?

Miss Dickinson
will forward it.


What do you mean by that?
I'll see you later.

This time I was dressed.


What have you got there?

Oh, it's mink.
From Julian.

My Aunt Bertha
has one just like it.

Yeah, I know. I wanted
black leather slacks.

Poor Julian. He thought
this would please me.

It's a throwback
to the days

when, when a hunter
would give his wife
the dead animal skins.

Wonder how many minks
Julian has killed?

That's very unkind, Igor.

When I think of
all the women who would
do anything for this

and here I am,
not really wanting it.

Hey, Igor, this is my chance
to do a good deed.

I was going to send
his wife those records.

I'll send her
this mink instead.

Oh, boy.

What's wrong?
She'll love it.

Mrs. Winston
will never accept
a mink stole from you.

Where's that card?

"As ever, Julian."

That should do it.

Anyway, it's just sort
of a care package.

Toni, you're a kook.
But a nice kook.

Oh, Señor Sanchez,
but you're
10 minutes early.

Imagine, Arturo Sanchez
being early
for the dentist.

It is a new man, no?
Certainly is.

And today,
I hurried to get here.

Do you know why?

El Bravo rides again.

The cowardly fear
of the dentist,

is completely overcome
by the great desire

to see the lovely,
Miss Dickinson.

I'll tell Dr. Winston
that you're here.

(STAMMERING) Ah, wait.
Do not call him yet.

Tell me,
have you ever been
to a diplomatic ball?

Me? It's a little
out of my line.

Tonight there will
be such a function
at the Waldorf.

It will be very boring

unless you do me the honors
of accompanying me.

What about your wife?

Must we take my wife

Besides, she's spending
a week at a fat farm.

Thank you, Señor Sanchez,
but I rarely go out
on weekdays,

and I don't have
the kind of clothes...

I can buy you anything.

In a Swiss bank,
I have $20 million.

It's nice
of you to ask me,
but I'm afraid not.

But, I must warn you,
the men in my family
are very persistent.

For 200 years
after Columbus

we persisted in thinking
that the world was flat.


Package for Mrs. Winston.

Mrs. Win...
Yes, I, I'll take it.

I didn't know
Dr. Winston
was married.

Well, it's always a shock
when it happens
to someone you know.

Miss Dickinson, we're running
low on acrylic cement.
I wish you'd reorder it.

Yes, Doctor.
I did that already,

The firing squad.

No, no, no.
No blindfold, huh?

Doctor, this package
just arrived
for Mrs. Winston.

Oh, yes, that, uh,
that's a present for you.

For me? From whom?

One of your fans.

"As ever, Julian."

For me.

For me!

From Julian.

Miss Dickinson,
the patient's
x-rays, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor,
I'm so overwhelmed.
That present...

I don't know
how to thank you.

Don't thank me.

Well, who else?
And that lovely card,
"As ever, Julian."


Oh. Yes, of course.
I, uh,

I wanted to get you
something that
I thought you'd like.

After all, you've put up
with a lot from me lately.

I never dreamed
I'd, I...

I never expected
anything like this.

Oh, it's... It's all right,
if you like Horowitz.

Horowitz? Must be
the name of the furrier.

Oh. Ah.

Miss Dickinson, these are
Harvey Greenfield's x-rays.

I'm so sorry, Doctor.


What is it, Doctor?

Is there something
wrong with my x-ray?

You know
how nervous I am.

Hello, Anna.
I want you to run over
to Lucille's dress shop.

There's an evening dress
I was looking at.
I want you to buy it for me.

I need it tonight.
I'm going to a ball.

Doctor, you can
tell me the truth.

Um, it is an abscess?

The, the nerve is dead?

All my teeth have to go?

Doctor, talk to me,

What is she?
Your dearest friend?

Do you realize
how much I paid
for that mink?

Oh boy, you're never
going to stop
nagging me about it.

You're beginning to sound
just like a husband.


A square husband.

Hi. You said you wanted
to read my play.

Thanks, Igor.

Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?

It depends.
What have you got
in your refrigerator?

We're going out for dinner.
You want to come with us?

I'm sure Igor
would be very bored.

No. Not if
you're paying for it.
I'll put on a tie.

Why? Are you having
your beads re-strung?

I thought we were
going to have
a quiet little dinner?

Well, Igor's
very depressed.

There's a lot of that
going around now.


Why'd we come back here?

It's the one place
we won't bump
into Dr. Winston.

Why don't you want
to bump into Dr. Winston?

Let me put it to you
this way, shut up.

Hello, Harvey.
How are you?

How am I?
I'm sore as hell,
that's how I am.

I don't blame you,
Harvey, but listen...

You treated me like
I was dirt and
you were Mr. Clean.

Look, I'm having
a rough time.

As long as I was
lying to her,
everything was fine.

But the minute
I decided

to do the right thing
and marry her,

I've had nothing
but troubles.

You wouldn't believe
the complications.

It's like waltzing
in wet cement.

I haven't even been able
to spend one night
alone with her.

I'd better get back, Harvey,
before she sees us together.

If you work for the CIA,
how come you hang around
with dentists?

He's installing a miniature
radio transmitter
in my wisdom tooth.

What were you
doing talking to
that awful man?

I was getting lonesome
for the sound
of a human voice.

Can I have another
glass of beer?
Not yours.

Why did we have
to come here tonight?

Well, after what
happened last time,

it's the one place
we're sure not to
run into your wife.

This is very interesting.
What made you suggest this?

It's the one place
we're sure not to
run into my boss.

Oh, thank you, Arturo.
The ball was marvelous.

Oh, no, no, no.
You were marvelous.

What shall we drink?

Let's have some of that
crazy Idaho champagne.

Hey. Look at that!

I can hardly believe
that's Stephanie.

It is.
I recognize the mink.

Oh, that gown is absolute
poetry. Everybody at the ball
was staring at it.

It's a copy
of a copy.

Oh, but a girl like you
should have
nothing but originals.

In a Swiss bank,
I have $20 million...

Well. Didn't take her long
to find somebody else.

Toni, do you want to
let me in on this?

Who's that woman?
Julian's wife.

Not bad, Julian.
As a matter of fact,
she's very attractive.

Thank you.

Say, Igor, I didn't
know you went
for the older ones.

Look who's talking.



There's Dr. Winston.

Oh, dear.

It seems I just can't
get away from that man.

Would you like to leave?
No, no, no,
let's ignore him.

After all, my evenings
are my own.

What about your weekends?

They belong
to my nephews.

Oh, I see.

El Bravo, you're not
going to give up
that easily, are you?

Of course not.

Did I tell you the time
I played a whole game
of polo with a broken leg?

No, tell me about it.

Hey, isn't that the woman
from the other night?

Yeah, I do believe
you're right.

Who is she?

That's the dentist's,
uh, wife.

Well, who's that
with the dentist?

That's his fiancee.

He has a wife
and a fiancee?

Well, it's better
than having two wives.

Then who's the man
with Mrs. Winston?

Her new boyfriend.

Who's the guy
with Dr. Winston
and his girl?

That must be
her boyfriend.

I think the whole
thing is shocking.

Shall we?


Look at them

You're not jealous,
are you?

She shouldn't leave
her mink
lying around like that.

Someone might take it.

It's her mink now.

Come on, let's dance.

Mrs. Winston!

Here we are again.

Good evening, Doctor.

Good evening,

Well, you're certainly
blossoming out.

Doctor, you once
compared me
to my cactus plant.

Well, every so often,
that prickly little thing

puts out a flower
that some people think...

Miss Dickinson,
I strongly disapprove

of you making dates
with patients.

Really? Then how come
you fixed me up
with Harvey?

Look at them
acting so damn polite.

They're all
rotten, rotten.

What do you want them to do,
start kicking each other?

Rotten, rotten.

No, Julian,
like this.

That looks like fun.
Let us try it.

That's it, Stephanie.

I've got it, huh?

Hi, Sergeant.

Hi, Harv.

Boy, you're terrific.

They've lost me.
You go dance with her.

Cheer up. One of these days
the fox trot may come back.

Hi, Igor.

Introduce us.

Mrs. Winston,
this is Igor Sullivan.

That's not his real
name, of course.

Of course.

What is that?

The uptight.

And what is this?

The boogaloo.

What's that?

A new step.

What's it called?

The dentist.


Are you sulking again?

I got bored dancing
with Señor Sanchez.


Well, thank you, Igor.

I should have
brought my wife.

You must feel
as if you were dancing
with your mother.

Quiet, I'm enjoying this.

So am I.

Then relax.
Let's not get neurotic
about age.

You're a very sexy lady.

An old sexy lady.


Let's run away and live
on your social security.

I must say,
that Igor of yours is
a pretty vulgar dancer.

What do you mean, Igor?
She's the one plastering
herself against him.

When I think of all
I've done for her.

Hey, did you see that?

He just kissed her
on the neck.

Phoo! She sure likes
a lot of action.

Yes, she does,
doesn't she?

Right now she's surrounded
by her husband,

her ex-boyfriend,
her current boyfriend,

and maybe
her future boyfriend.

If somebody doesn't
stop that guy

he's gonna make love to her
in the middle of the floor.



Oh, Igor! Our song!

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Well, maybe I shouldn't
leave her alone
when she's like this.

Leave her alone?

That's some talk
for a man
who's planning a divorce.

Make sure that
gets home all right.

Rotten, rotten, rotten.

Rotten, rotten.

Everything you told me
about your wife
certainly was true.

She's not a lady.
She's a barracuda.

I don't care
to discuss it anymore.

Hey, look at that,
some poor schnook is getting
his car towed away.


Hey, wait a minute,
that's my car!

Hey, come back here!
Hey! Hey! Hey!


Oh. Good morning, Doctor.

That's how you're
coming to work?

Well, I didn't have time
to go home.

Where were you
all night?

It's all a blur.
A beautiful,
blurry blur.

When you left the club
you were already doing
fairly well, blurry-wise.

We didn't really
get started
until after you left.

I'm sure that
must have helped.

Everybody got to
know everybody and, uh,

at about 3:00 we were
invited to this big bash.

A bash?
A party.

Uh, in this pad,
on, uh, Waverly Place.



Did you ever have...

Did you ever
have a gin and tonic
made with, with tequila?

No, thank you.
Tequila and tonic?

No, no. No.

You substitute
the tequila...

No, you substitute
the tonic
for the tequila.

The tequila
for the tonic?

Yes, they call it...

Gin and tequila?

Yes. They call it
the Mexican Measles.


Missile. Yes, and, um,

they tell me
it prevents malaria.

You know what I've done?
I've created
a monster. That's what.

No, Dr. Frankenstein,
this is not creation
of yours, this is me.

Me, experiencing new things.
Things that
I've never done before.

And having a hell
of a good time.

So you stayed there
all night
fighting malaria?

No, we went to the beach.
The beach?

Yes, we wanted some fresh air,
so we drove to Coney Island.

It's lovely there at dawn.

Nobody around. We sat there
and watched the sun come up.

You sat on the beach
in your new mink stole?

Oh, a little sand
won't hurt it.

I had to lie on something.

Wait a minute.
You said you were sitting.
Were you sitting or lying?

A little of this
and a little of that.

You should have
come with us.

There wouldn't have been
room for all of us
on the mink.

Anyway, I'm sure
you prefer
to be with Toni.

Toni? I forgot
all about her.

What's the matter?

I, uh, I left her standing
outside the discotheque.

I hope she had
sense enough to go home.


It's just not practical
to keep one in the city.

A girl?

No, a car.


I, I didn't wake you,
did I?

Oh, I wanted to make sure
you got home all right.

No, I didn't get it.

Well, first I, I went to
the police station,

and they told me
to try this garage
on the East Side.

When I got there
they told me to try the
garage on the West Side.

And when I got there,
it was closed.

I couldn't find a cab
so I had to walk home.

I should have listened
to my mother
and become an MD.

Then they let you
park anywhere.

Yeah, okay.
You go back to bed.
I'll see you tonight. Right.

Did she get home
all right?

Yes, which is more
than I can say for you.

My cactus.
It's blooming!

Never mind, now.
What about your night
of debauchery

with Señor Sanchez?

Señor Sanchez?
Whoever said anything
about him?

We lost him
early in the evening.
We? Who's we?

Igor and I.

You mean,
you spent the night
with that hippie?

But you're wrong about Igor.
He's sensitive
and sincere and very poetic.

Poetic? I saw him
kiss you on the neck.

He's also very friendly.

There's no such thing
as a friendly kiss
on the neck.

I must say it's grotesque,
a woman your age throwing
yourself at a kid like that.

What about that
thing of yours?

If you don't think
that looks ridiculous...

It's different with a man.
A man with a younger woman
looks appropriate.

But when it's
the other way around...

You go to your church
and I'll go to mine.

It wasn't easy for me
to do what I did
last night.

But every time
I felt shaky,
I thought about you.

Oh, yes. It was obvious
you were thinking of me.

Thinking about all
those terrible things
you said to me.

I was determined
to make up
for the time I'd lost.

And I intend
to keep on doing it.

And now, if you'll
excuse me,

I'm going to take
an Alka-Seltzer.

I don't mind saying
I'm disappointed in you,
Miss Dickinson.

Very disappointed.

Doctor, you're the one
who said I was
discouraging men.

Stifling my femininity.

But the first time
an attractive young man

pays a little attention
to me, you go to pieces.

Well, if I didn't
know you so well,

I'd almost swear
you're jealous.

Jealous? Of you?
Come now,
Miss Dickinson.

I just think
it's in very bad taste

when, under my eyes
and the eyes
of my fiancee,

my wife puts on
an indecent,
immoral exhibition,

with someone young
enough to be her son.

All right, look.

So you had a little
fling last night.

Nobody's knocking it.
After all, there was
no harm done. Was there?

Why don't you come right out
and ask me
if I went to bed with him?

All right.
Did you go to bed
with him?

It's none
of your business.

What happened out there
on my mink stole?

I mean, the beach?
I want to know.

By what right?

A husband's right.
Let me remind you
that you're still my wife!

No more!
I want a divorce!

After all the years
of misery I've had.

Years of misery?

Yes, all those mornings
when I went in

and found hairpins
on the couch

and lipstick
on mouthwash glasses.

You've been spying on me?

All right,
you want to play rough,

I'll tell the world
about your drunkenness,
your wild parties,

your orgies
on the beach!

You want a divorce?
It's I who wants a divorce.

I'll call the Registry
and have them
send you another nurse.

And here, give this to
your child-concubine.

if you walk out now,

don't bother
to come back!

Don't worry,
Doctor Winston,
you won't see me again.

And that goes
for the children, too!

How late were you
out with her?

I thought you came here
to talk about my play?

Well, I'll wait
till they make it
into a movie.

I have a right to know
what went on.
She's my fiancee's wife.

Toni, I'd rather not
discuss the lady.

Well, I happen to know
this particular lady
swings with anybody.

Well, then I guess
I'm not anybody.

You mean, nothing?

She didn't want to, huh?

Maybe I didn't want to.

Oh, I doubt that.

I saw the way
you kissed her neck
like Dracula.

All we did was dance a lot,
drink a lot, talk a lot.

About what?

About my work,
about myself.

It isn't often
I find a woman
I, I enjoy talking to.

Are you implying
you can't talk to me?

Come to think of it,
I cannot. You're always
doing the talking,

and it's always
about your troubles
with that tooth jockey.

Julian is a fine man
and much too good
for his wife.

You ought to know
what I know.

Well, I know what I know.
She's a hell of a dame.

She's good-looking, smart,
warm, very appealing.

Aha, then you
did want to!

Oh, for God's sake,
Toni, why don't
you act your age?

Or rather,
don't act your age.


Hey, Dracula,
it's for you.

Toni, I want to
talk to you.

Hi. How's your head

Which one?

Igor, do you, do you
mind if I talk to...

Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute,
I live here.

You can wait
in my place.


And I used to
worry about you.

That's what caused
all the trouble.

Boy, you and Igor,
that child...

I didn't come
to talk about Igor.

I want to talk
about Julian and me.

All right.
What about Julian?

Are you keeping him
or can you spare him?
I want to know.

There is something else
you have to know,

and I'm going
straight to the point.

I have no patience
with people who shilly-shally
about these things.

Julian and I...

Julian, uh...

Oh, my God,
it isn't as easy
as I thought.

Well, I think
I can guess.
You're pregnant.

Pregnant? Whatever
gave you that idea?

That night Julian
took you home.

Why not?
You're still
Mrs. Winston.

I am not Mrs. Winston!

I'm Miss Dickinson.

Miss Dickinson?

But you...

The old maid?

That's ridiculous.

That's what I think.
Well, I hate
to be the one...

Now, wait a minute.
Now, let's not get excited.

You're Miss Dickinson,
Julian's nurse. Right?


Well, then,
who's Mrs. Winston?

But there is no
Mrs. Winston.

Julian isn't married.

Never has been.

This is a trick,
isn't it?

You're trying to confuse me,
so I'll do something.

You'll get to keep
him for yourself,
along with Harvey, and Igor

and that South American.
He lied to me.


I'm sorry, Toni.

I know this is a shock
for anyone.

And even greater
for someone with
your youth and idealism,

That dirty son of a bitch!

Well, that's one way
of looking at it.

Toni, wait!

Toni, Julian loves you.

Then why did
he lie like that?

He isn't a bad man.
He's just a little weak.

A weak man,
but a strong liar.

When I think of all those
thousands of details

the little things he told me
about his married life,
his children.

Igor, why don't...
Could I...

What are we playing,
Odd Man Out?


Damn it,
I've been swindled!

Toni, Julian is
marrying you.

A lot of girls would
leap at such a swindle.

I know you're expecting
Julian and I don't
want to run into him...

How come you decided
to unmess this mess?

Let's say, Miss Dickinson's
a very conscientious nurse

and likes to tidy up
before she goes.

Sooner or later,
Julian is going to
break down

and tell you the truth
on his own.

Please help him.

Accept him.

A man who lies cannot love.

That sounds like something
out of a fortune cookie.


Dirty, married bachelor.


What did you want?


What's this all about?

Never mind.
Kiss me again.

Okay, but after this one,
I want
a complete explanation.


Is that Julian?

What if it is?

Toni, I don't know
what your game is,

but you're not gonna use me.
I'm getting out of here.


How? He's right outside.



I thought
you'd never answer.
What were you doing?

Getting rid
of my lover.

Oh, come on, Toni.
Please. Not tonight.

Tonight I...
I need all your help
and understanding.

What do you mean?

Well, I have something
to tell you and it's tough.

You've come
to tell me the truth.

Well, don't worry, darling.
If you've come to
tell me the truth...

You are going to
tell me the truth?

Well, go ahead, sweetheart.
I promise everything
will be all right.

Thanks, my love.
You're just marvelous.

This isn't going to
be easy.
But here it is.

My wife, Stephanie,
has changed her mind
about the divorce.

Try, try to remain
calm, dear.
It was a blow to me, too.

Oh, you poor man.

Well, now, let's see
if I can get this straight.

Your wife suddenly refuses
to give you a divorce?

It's hard to believe,
isn't it?

Very. When did
she tell you this?

This morning.

I fought like a tiger.
I pleaded with her.

I offered her everything
the house, money,
the car, more money.

But she and
her lawyer say no.


You can divorce her.
You have grounds,
all those lovers.

I can't because
of the children
and she knows it.

So, she's got us
over a barrel.
I'm absolutely sick about it.

Well, what happens
to me now?

We'll go right on
seeing each other
as before.


We'll manage
to snatch a few scraps
of happiness from life.

It's a compromise,
I know, but...

Well, dear,
if that's the way
it has to be...

Oh, baby,
how wonderfully well
you're taking this. Mmm.

You'll see,
we'll be even happier
than before.

Oh, well, it's not
such a bad arrangement.

And it, it's fair.
You'll still have
your wife, and me,

and I'll still have
you and Igor.



But you said
you were just friends.

You were lying to me?


I'm ashamed
to admit it.

I know how
you hate the thought
of a lie.

Oh, come on, Toni.
You're just putting me on,
aren't you?

What's that for?

That's our signal
that the coast is clear
and he can come over.

If I thought for one moment
that you and he...

You realize that if he walks
through that door,
it's all finished between us?

I realize that.

You called me?

What are you doing
coming through
the window like that?

Can't expect me
to come through
the hall like that.

Julian, don't feel
too bad about this.

You'll get over it...
I'll be fine, Toni.

You broke up my home.

You took me from my wife.
You alienated me
from my children.

But, thank God,
I still have
one thing left.

My integrity.

Now, would you mind
letting me in on this?

Igor, why don't
you have dinner
with me tonight?

Okay. I'll put
some clothes on.

Oh, you don't have to
go to all that trouble
just for me.



I thought you quit.

I came to pick up
my cactus.

What are you doing
in the office
on a Saturday?

Last night I had
12 Mexican Missiles,

and this is where
I splashed down.

Is everything all right
between you and Toni?

Oh, yes. Things are
all straightened out.

And, I might add,
without your help
and interference.

I'm so happy for you.

Well, I'm not
very happy for me.
Toni and I have split up.


I went to see her
and I told her

that you wouldn't agree
to a divorce.

Very clever.

What's so funny?

Nothing, except that
I went to Toni and told her
that we weren't married.

Why'd you do that?

I thought I'd fix things.
At least somebody
would get what he wanted.

You just can't stop making
chicken and egg sandwiches.

Why did you have
to go there and lie?

Because it was
the only way I could
get out of marrying her.

Don't you want
to marry her?

No. It's always
been a mistake

and when I caught her
with Igor, I knew it.

But she thinks
Igor is a child.

I know. I saw him come
through the window
with a diaper on.

He made me feel
like an idiot.
I got out as fast as I could.

Now I understand
why you went out
and got drunk.

No, no. You don't understand.
You see, when I left there,
I was angry.

Absolutely furious!

So you killed
a quart of tequila?

Please, stop interrupting.

I was sore as hell at Toni,
and then suddenly
it was like magic.

My anger disappeared
and I suddenly felt
a delicious sense of relief.

I said to myself,
"Julian, thank God,
at last you're out of it.

"Now you can go home
to your wife."

I bounced down the stairs,
singing to myself,

and I suddenly remembered
I had no wife.

When I got home,
there'd be nobody.

And when I got back
to the office,
you wouldn't be here either.

So then you hung one on.
It's marvelous, Doc,
uh, oh...

That's very nice, Doctor.



I think
I'm going to kiss you.

When will you know
for sure?

I plan to do this often.

I'll make a note
to remind you.


You know, it's funny,
I feel as though
you've always been my wife.

We don't even have to
bother getting married.

Well, just as
a matter of form.


Dr. Winston's office.

No, he isn't in on Saturdays.
Can I take a message?

Oh, well,
just a minute. I'll...

It's a young lady.

She's a stewardess
with Australian Airlines.

She says
she's free this evening.

Tell her
I've been grounded.

Sorry, Miss,
but Dr. Winston doesn't do
that sort of work anymore.


♪ The time for love

♪ Is anytime

♪ No matter what the season

♪ Or the year

♪ The day for love

♪ Is any day, there's just

♪ No telling when
it will appear

♪ But when your heart is ready
you will find

♪ That spring is really
just a state of mind

♪ Some flowers blossom late
but they're the kind

♪ That last the longest

♪ Someday someone
will walk into a room

♪ And in no time at all
will be in bloom

♪ And that's
the timeless wonder

♪ Of the time for love