Cactus Flower (1969) - full transcript

Toni Simmons believes that the only reason her married lover won't leave his wife is because of the children. In truth, her lover, dentist Julian Winston, doesn't have any children. In fact, Julian doesn't even have a wife - he just tells women he does to avoid getting involved. When Julian does decide to take the plunge with Toni she insists on meeting the first wife and Julian enlists the aid of his long-time nurse/receptionist Stephanie Dickinson to play the part.

(THE TIME FOR LOVE IS ANYTIME

BY SARAH VAUGHAN PLAYING)

♪ The time for love

♪ Is anytime, no matter what

♪ The season or the year

♪ The day for love

♪ Is any day, there's just

♪ No telling when it will be

♪ But when your heart is ready

you will find

♪ That spring is really

just a state of mind

♪ Some flowers blossom late

but they're the kind

♪ That last the longest

♪ Someday someone

will walk into a room

♪ And in no time at all

you'll be in bloom

♪ And that's

the timeless wonder

♪ Of the time

♪ For love

(BLOWING)

(GAS HISSING)

(GAS CONTINUES HISSING)

♪ Need

♪ I need to be been with

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Oh

♪ Keep talking 'bout all

the places that you wanna go

♪ You can't shout

your lovin' on me

♪ If you're walkin'

out the door

♪ Baby I needs, yeah

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Well, I'm doin'

my best, now, baby

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ When I'm getting

my rest, yes

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Well I'm back

in my satchel baby

♪ I needs to be

been with, yeah

♪ When I'm phoning my macho

♪ I needs to be been with

♪ Every minute without you

♪ That seems ages

without your love

(SNIFFING)

♪ I needs to be

been with, baby

♪ I've got to tell you

♪ I needs to be

been with, baby

(SNIFFING)

Hey in there,

something wrong?

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Hey, I smell gas.

♪ Needs to be

been with, baby ♪

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

Julian.

Julian.

I'm not Julian. Wake up.

Julian, kiss me.

Sorry, Julian,

whoever you are.

Who are you?

What are you doing?

Mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation.

You were kissing me.

I lost my head.

Well, how did you

get in here? I don't...

You left your gas on.

Gas?

Oh, I'm alive!

I blew it!

I blew it!

Oh, boy, I really blew it!

Take it easy.

Well, you're lucky I broke in.

Why did you?

I thought you were dying.

Well, that was

the whole idea.

Now, why don't you go back

and mind your own business

like everybody else

in New York city?

Okay, lady.

That's the last time

you catch me

saving your life.

Damn it,

you made me blow it!

Well, it happens you were

going about it all wrong.

I believe you're supposed

to put your head in the stove.

Well, it's

a second-hand stove.

There were no directions.

So, why did you do it?

Because of Julian?

How do you know

about Julian?

You called me that

while you were kissing me.

I wasn't kissing you.

You were kissing me.

And by the way,

is that all you did?

There wasn't much time.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess

I should be grateful.

What's your name?

Igor.

Igor Sullivan.

Igor Sullivan.

That's wild.

I made it up.

Ahem. How come

you picked Igor?

Igor's my own.

I made up the Sullivan.

Oh.

It's a good name

for a writer.

You're a writer?

You're the writer!

The one who keeps pounding

on his typewriter all night?

You drive me crazy.

Why didn't you complain?

So I could

have met you earlier.

You haven't

told me your name.

Toni Simmons.

Uh, look, Toni, uh,

what did this Julian

do to you?

Nothing.

Well, he must have done

something.

What, did he cheat on you?

Beat you? He's a drunk?

A crook?

Worse.

Oh, he's married.

For life.

He's got three kids.

I don't know why

I'm telling you all this,

like you were Dear Abby.

Is that

that dirty rat Julian?

Oh, he's not a dirty rat.

He's a dentist.

A fine dentist,

Fifth Avenue.

With a wife

and three kids.

Well, that's one of

the things that

attracted me to him.

You go

for married men, huh?

I like honesty.

All my life people

have lied to me,

and I can't stand it.

Julian at least

had the decency to warn me

he had a wife and a family.

I was in love with him,

so I accepted it.

At first I thought

it was going to be a gay,

carefree fling.

Whoopee!

Then came all those nights

when he couldn't make it.

And then he called tonight

and cancelled.

(HISSING)

It was our anniversary.

Anniversary? Of what?

Julian and I met one year ago

at Stereo Heaven.

That's the record shop

where I work.

Stereo Heaven.

I've been there.

I never noticed you.

Well, Julian did.

And I noticed him.

He was charming, good-looking,

sophisticated.

No sweatshirts.

Sorry, I didn't know

that suicide

was black tie.

You know, sitting here

alone tonight,

it suddenly came over me.

I have wasted

away my whole life.

Do you realize I'm 21?

It's a lucky thing

I smoke too much.

I was on my way down

to the corner

to get cigarettes.

The corner? Oh, my god!

What's the matter?

I wrote Julian telling him

what I was going to do.

Why?

What would be the sense

of killing myself

if he didn't know about it?

Where are you going?

I've got to get

that letter back.

Wait a minute!

Hey, how do you

plan to do that?

With a piece of string

and some chewing gum.

Look, you already

broke the law

when you attempted suicide.

Don't start monkeying around

with the Federal Government.

I guess you're right.

What time is it?

It's almost 3:00.

3:00. I've got to get up

and go to work in the morning.

Go away. I have to sleep.

Oh, hell with that.

I'll take the day off.

Yeah, why kill yourself?

(LAUGHS)

Boy, you must be

a pretty corny writer.

What sort of things

do you write?

Plays.

What kind of plays?

Very advanced.

All the actors

keep their clothes on.

Public's not quite

ready for that yet.

How do you live?

I get an allowance

from my father.

Oh, boy!

(LAUGHING)

I was beginning

to feel sorry for you.

Everybody

can't be poor.

Look, (STAMMERING)

if you need anything,

just pound on the wall.

I'll come right away.

Thanks, Igor.

Good night.

(BANGING ON WALL)

Toni?

Igor.

Igor, I want you to call

Julian for me in the morning

before he gets that letter.

Why don't you

call him yourself?

In the first place,

I'll be sleeping.

And second place,

I don't want to give him

the satisfaction

of hearing me cry.

Why not throw

a scare into him?

He deserves it.

Oh, he's liable to call

the cops or something.

Will you do it?

Yeah, all right.

He's in the book.

Julian Winston, D.D.S.,

Fifth Avenue.

Julian Winston,

D.D.S., Fifth Avenue.

What'll I say to him?

Just tell him I'm alive.

You're alive.

And I never want to

see him again

as long as I live!

(DOOR CLOSING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dr. Winston's office.

Who?

Igor Sullivan?

Is it about an appointment?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan,

but the doctor's

with a patient right now.

If you'll just

give me the message.

Well, if you insist

on speaking to him,

then you'll have to

call back later.

A caramel. One lousy caramel,

and the whole damned

filling came out.

Mrs. Durant, it was only

a temporary filling,

and you were warned

to be careful.

(TSKS) Caramels!

Well, good heavens,

I've given up

everything else.

Is the doctor

ready for me?

He was 20 minutes ago.

But since you were late,

he gave your time

to another patient.

(SIGHS)

Morning, Miss Dickinson.

Oh, thank you, Howard.

Would you please tell

the doctor I'm in a hurry?

Charles is expecting me

in half an hour.

Charles?

Mr. Charles,

the hairdresser.

Today he's taking

care of me personally.

I can't keep him waiting.

Really, Mrs. Durant,

your teeth are more important

than your hair.

You really believe that,

don't you?

(SIGHS)

Sad.

(SNIFFS) Mmm!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dr. Winston's office.

Good morning, Mrs. Andrews.

Well, the doctor

is booked solid today.

Well, let me check with him.

Excuse me, Doctor,

Mrs. Andrews

is on the phone.

Her bridge is wobbling.

Tell her to come in

at 8:00 tomorrow morning.

Yes, Doctor.

And Mrs. Durant is here.

When you get a minute,

I'd like to speak to you.

All right.

Mr. Greenfield,

please don't handle

the instruments.

Say, I was reading the other

day that there's a dentist

in New Jersey

who has topless nurses.

I didn't know

you were interested

in reading.

She really turns me off.

I thought

all Swedish dames

were sexy.

I mean, I've seen

some of those movies,

but this one's

like an iceberg.

She's very efficient.

Have you ever seen her

out of her uniform?

I mean,

in street clothes?

I'll bet she wears

corrective hats.

Harvey, what you don't like

about Miss Dickinson

is exactly what I do like

about her.

She's like a wife,

a good wife,

devoted, competent

takes care of everything

for me during the day.

And at night,

she goes home, to her home.

And I, with no problems

and no cares,

go to my girl.

My life is arranged

the way I like it.

Your girl?

One girl? Singular?

Didn't I tell you?

It's been a year now.

Huh. That's not

the old Julian Winston

I knew in the old days.

The dancing dentist

at the Copa every night

with a new girl.

Toni has changed all that.

I don't want anyone else.

You mean you're in love

with her?

I tried to fight it.

Take last night.

I deliberately broke

a date with Toni

to go out

with another girl.

Airline stewardess,

tall, built,

spectacular-looking

Australian girl.

We went up to her place...

Yeah.

...had a few drinks.

Yeah.

Open.

Bite. Stay that way.

Hey, you can't leave me

hanging like this.

You wanted to see me

about something?

Yes, Doctor.

I've been meaning

to speak to you

about Mr. Greenfield's bill.

Miss Dickinson, you know

he's an old friend of mine.

Well, I think he's taking

advantage of you.

Miss Dickinson,

there are some things

a man just can't do.

I won't push

Harvey Greenfield

for money.

I've known him too long.

You do it.

Well, I'll be happy to.

What's this?

I ordered you

some new shirts.

The ones you're wearing

are frayed

around the collar.

You really should change

laundries. They're using

too much starch.

Please stop mothering me.

Here's a letter

for you, Doctor.

When I'm through

with Mr. Greenfield.

Rinse, please.

So, you went up

to her place.

Hmm?

You went up to her place,

you had a few drinks...

Oh, oh, yes.

The stewardess.

Yes, beautiful girl.

Beautiful.

Well, then what happened?

Oh, nothing.

Toni stopped me.

Toni? She showed up?

In my mind.

Suddenly I saw

her face before me

and I couldn't

go through with it.

I left, walked out.

You wasted

a whole stewardess?

Open.

You going to get married?

Married? Who said anything

about getting married?

If you feel that way

about your girl...

I feel that way about my girl

because she is my girl.

You'd never catch me

feeling that way

about a wife.

Look, Harvey,

I've got a perfect setup.

Why spoil it

by getting married?

Well, that's a very

healthy outlook.

But what about her?

No problem.

All girls

want to get married.

I know. I've been

subdivided three times.

Not Toni Simmons.

She thinks

I'm already married.

Julian, you pulled

that old stunt

on her, huh?

The minute I met her,

I knew this girl

could make me do anything.

So just to protect myself

in the clinches

I told her that I had

a wife and three children.

Three children

is a nice touch.

Yeah, and I told it to her

right away

so that everything

between us would be

open and aboveboard.

Very good. Very good.

That's such a big, dirty,

rotten, filthy lie,

it has class.

(AIR HISSING)

I'm going to put this back

temporarily.

It should hold you

till next week.

All right, bite down hard.

That's it.

Stay like that.

Would you give Mr. Greenfield

another appointment?

Yes, Doctor.

Uh, I know you won't

have time to go out

for lunch today

so I, I made you some

of your favorite sandwiches,

chicken and egg salad.

Again?

The way you always

liked them.

If you say so.

Oh, Dr. Winston,

I'm so terribly sorry

I was late.

It's all right, dear lady.

That is all right.

But I understand

we've been very naughty.

Oh, I don't know

about you,

but all I had

was one little caramel.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Besides being bad

for your teeth,

Mrs. Durant,

think of how caramels

can hurt

those splendid hips.

Oh, isn't he

a marvelous dentist?

Great.

But with his talents

he would have made

an even better obstetrician.

In here, Mrs. Durant.

JULIAN:

See you next week, Harv.

Now wait a minute.

I listened to you

about your girl.

Let me tell you

about mine.

I'm running a little...

She's a beautiful girl

with a figure

like a Greek goddess.

Yeah, yeah.

Great, big,

beautiful eyes.

Yeah, but her teeth

need work.

They overlap a little,

and I promised her...

Harvey, you pulled this

on me before.

MISS DICKINSON:

Doctor, Mrs. Durant is ready.

But, Julian,

old buddy...

Oh, all right, send her in

and I'll see what I can do.

But don't you know any girls

with straight teeth?

Excuse me, Sergeant...

Uh, Miss Dickinson.

Dr. Winston asked me

to make an appointment

for a lady friend of mine.

How about

a week from Tuesday

at 7:00 a.m.?

You're kidding.

I'm asleep at 7:00 a.m.

Oh, I thought the appointment

was for a lady.

That's right.

We're both asleep

at 7:00 a.m.

(TITTERING)

I'm sorry.

I hope I haven't

shocked you.

No, but it must be

a terrible shock for her.

JULIAN:

Will you get me

Mrs. Durant's chart, please?

Yes, Doctor.

By the way, Mr. Greenfield,

who is paying

for this treatment?

HARVEY:

Put it on my tab.

There is no more room

on your tab.

HARVEY: Julian.

I feel insulted.

It isn't as if I'm

planning to stick you.

It isn't as if

you're planning

to pay me, either.

Look, uh,

things are a little slow

for actors

this time of year.

But as soon as

the new television

season starts...

How about Thursday

at 5:30 in the afternoon?

Or is that too early?

We'll set the alarm.

Uh, will you prepare

an anesthetic syringe,

please?

Yes, Doctor.

You said something

about a letter?

Yes.

Oh, and by the way,

your tailor called

about your fitting.

That's something

I can't do for you

any more than I can go

to the barber for you,

which, by the way,

you could also use.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong, Doctor?

Why didn't you

show me this before?

Well, I tried to, but...

Doctor! Doctor!

Are you leaving?

What about Mrs. Durant

and all the other patients?

You handle it.

Doctor, really!

If your girlfriends

start to come

before your patients...

Miss Dickinson, shut up!

Oh!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dr. Winston's office.

No, he's not here.

Now, look, Mr. Sullivan,

if it is that important,

you'd better tell me

about it.

What? Toni is alive?

Who is Toni? Hello?

Now, hello?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I didn't know dentists

made house calls.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it!

Knew what?

That you

wouldn't do it.

A whole day

full of appointments,

a dozen patients coming,

and you send a letter

that you're going

to kill yourself

and then don't.

Well, I'm sorry

to disappoint you.

The whole thing

was a fake, wasn't it?

Everything between us

is a fake, Julian.

Just because I broke

one lousy little date

last night?

It happens that I had

a very important meeting

with an Australian dentist.

We were comparing techniques.

Don't try to spare

my feelings, Julian.

I know you were out

with your wife.

Well, if you know, you know.

I've made up my mind, Julian.

We're through.

Through?

What are you talking about?

We're so happy together.

We are?

Well, I'm happy together.

I've decided I want a man

of my own. Exclusively.

No more going halfsies.

So here. I packed

your pajamas, your toothbrush,

and your pic...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Toni, this isn't like you.

Hi. Oh, I didn't know

you had company.

It's only Julian.

This is Igor Sullivan.

Hello, Dr. Winston,

I just spoke to your nurse

on the telephone.

Something wrong

with your teeth?

No, I called to tell you

Toni's alive

and you didn't have to

worry about her letter.

Alive?

You feeling all right,

Toni?

I'm fine.

Thanks, Igor.

Okay.

I wanted to make sure

you weren't playing

any more tricks with the gas.

Gas?

Gas.

Gas.

Toni, I'm a bastard.

No, Julian.

A no-good bastard.

Well...

You really tried

to kill yourself over me?

Stupid, wasn't it?

I'm a bastard.

The biggest bastard

in the whole world.

Julian, please,

you're starting to make it

sound like bragging.

It wasn't your fault.

I knew what I was

getting into.

You've always told me

the truth.

I should've kept

my mouth shut.

You couldn't, Julian.

You're a decent guy.

That's why I fell

in love with you.

Now I'm returning you

to your wife

and your children.

I hope you'll be

very happy.

You know, Toni.

Everything's going to

be all right.

I'm going

to make it up to you.

Oh, sure.

You'll take me away for

another fun-filled weekend

at some motel.

No more weekends

and no more motels.

Toni, I'm going to marry you.

How do you mean, marry?

You know, marry,

with the judge,

the blood test,

the license.

That kind of marry.

Right away.

But what about your wife?

My wife? I'll divorce her.

What about the children?

I'll divorce them, too.

Julian, this isn't funny.

I should have done it

a long time ago.

Oh, baby, when I think

that you were ready to

die because of me...

Oh, Julian,

you really do love me.

Did you ever doubt it?

Julian, not now.

Why not now?

Igor's right next door.

He can hear everything.

Well, Igor's been

right next door before.

Yeah, but I hadn't

met him then.

Look, the sooner we move you

out of here, the better.

Now that you're going to be

Mrs. Julian Winston.

Imagine that.

Me, a married man.

I mean,

me, married to you.

Julian, wha-wha-what's

going to become of her?

Your wife.

Why do we keep talking

about my wife?

Well, you're going to

have to make some

arrangements about her.

What do you

figure on doing?

Simple. Hup, out!

Oh, is that what

you'll say when

you get tired of me?

"Hup, out"?

No, this is different,

darling.

I'm, I love you.

My wife and I...

I never even knew her.

How did

the three children come?

United Parcel?

Well, at the beginning

I was polite.

Look, will you stop

worrying about my wife?

She'll be taken care of.

What if she refuses

to give you a divorce?

She wouldn't dare.

Let's forget her.

I can't.

I can't. The thought

of being a housebreaker

sort of spoils things.

A home-breaker.

A housebreaker is a crook.

Well, I'm stealing you

away from your wife.

You may not believe it,

but I have

certain standards.

Toni, I haven't wanted

to go into this,

but what if I told you

that it's my wife

who wants the divorce?

Oh, God. You mean

she found out about us?

Let's just say that

she wants

her freedom, too.

Oh. Well, in that case,

I'll be proud

to marry you.

(MUFFLED) Oh, baby.

(GIGGLING)

(BANGING)

Hey!

Hey, will you...

(BANGING CONTINUES)

What the hell

are you doing there?

Fixing Toni's window.

Because if she waits

till the janitor

gets around to it,

it'll take forever.

Thanks, Igor.

(BANGING CONTINUES)

Tell him to get

the hell out of here

and come back later.

Julian, don't be

so impatient.

Well, look,

now that we're engaged

don't you think we should

do something to celebrate?

I know.

Let's do something

we've never done before.

What?

You can take me out

in the daytime.

Did you get enough

sauerkraut?

(GIGGLING) Yeah.

(MACHINERY RUMBLING)

(GIGGLING)

I want to meet her.

Who?

Your wife.

My wife?

I wanna get things

straightened out

with her.

Oh, come on, Toni.

That really

isn't necessary.

Well, I want her

to tell me herself that

she wants to leave you.

She does!

Have I ever lied to you?

(HORN BLARING)

You'll arrange it,

won't you, Julian?

Arrange what?

For me to meet your wife.

It's very important

she doesn't think of me

as some sort of

house-wrecker.

Home-wrecker.

I don't want to have to

hide every time

I run into her somewhere.

Believe me,

you'll never run into her.

Julian,

if I don't meet your wife,

I won't be happy.

And if I'm not happy,

then you won't be happy.

I'll bet this guy cheated

and used a ruler. (CHUCKLES)

When am I going to meet her?

And don't say who.

Baby, you can

take my word for it.

Julian, you've

got to promise...

I'll do nothing

of the kind.

Now let's just drop

the whole thing.

All right, let's drop it.

Do you know

what this represents?

Goodbye, Julian.

"Goodbye"?

It was very nice

knowing you.

Just a minute.

Toni, come back here.

Forget it!

Wait a minute,

Toni. Toni! Will you...

All right, I promise.

You'll meet her.

(ECHOING)

You'll meet her!

You'll meet her!

(SIGHS)

Oh, Señor Sanchez.

The doctor,

he is waiting?

I tried to call you

at the UN,

but you'd already left.

The doctor had to cancel

all his appointments today.

Oh, really?

Well, that's too bad.

Oh, but as long

as you're here

we might as well

x-ray that tooth

that's bothering you.

That I don't mind.

But you're not afraid

of Dr. Winston, are you?

Well, it's funny,

because by nature

I am not a coward.

As a matter of fact,

I'm known in my

own country as El Bravo.

El Bravo.

How about that?

(LAUGHING)

I have been through

six bloody revolutions.

At United Nations,

I've sat in my seat

and I've listened to

a nine-hour speech

by the Bulgarian delegate.

Yet, when it comes

to dentists, huh...

Well, we all have

our little weaknesses.

I have several big ones.

Now, Señor Sanchez.

Oh, I cannot help myself.

There is something

so provocative

about a nurse in uniform.

No frills, no adornments,

just the basic woman.

Now, you hold that

with your finger.

There we are.

Hold still, Señor Sanchez,

or the basic woman

is liable to x-ray your nose.

Hold still.

There.

Thank you.

There we are.

You know,

Miss Dickinson, you are

a most attractive woman,

yet you try to conceal it.

Very successfully,

I'd say.

Ah, but we Latins

have a great eye

for hidden beauty.

You know, for centuries,

our women

were all covered up

with mantillas,

long dresses, veils.

So we, in self-defense,

have had to

develop an instinct

for guessing

what was underneath.

I'll give you

another appointment.

(CHUCKLES)

You're very charming,

my dear,

and so easy to talk to.

Ah, you are a woman

worth knowing.

What about next Friday

at 5:00?

Wonderful!

Where shall we meet?

This is for you

and Dr. Winston.

But I would like for us

to have dinner

one of these nights,

with candlelight,

soft guitars...

Will you bring along

your wife?

Uh, my wife?

You would not like her.

Nobody likes her.

Let's make it

for next Friday,

after my appointment.

Señor Sanchez, I can't.

You're a married man.

This I cannot understand.

If I'm a married man,

it is my problem.

What has it

got to do with you?

I would not be prejudiced

if you were married.

Señor Sanchez,

how are you?

Come, come.

I can take you now.

Well, I cannot

take you now.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, Miss Dickinson,

I, uh, I'm sorry I ran out

on you this morning.

I managed.

I knew you would.

Oh, you knew I would.

Well, I didn't

know I would.

But I did. Rearranged

all your appointments.

I told everyone

you had to go

to your dentist.

That made them happy.

I can always count on you

in a jam.

If you don't need me

anymore, Doctor,

I'm, I'm going home.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'll get that.

Hello?

Don't worry. You'll meet her.

You'll meet her.

Miss Dickinson.

Yes, Doctor?

Is... Uh, are you

in a hurry this evening?

MISS DICKINSON:

Why, no, if there's anything

I can do for you...

I thought maybe

you'd like to come out

and have a drink with me.

MISS DICKINSON: What?

Are you asking me to go out?

Why? Is there somebody else

in that closet?

I don't understand.

It's the most

natural thing

in the world

for a doctor

to take his nurse out.

Yes, but I've been working

for you for almost 10 years,

and this is the first time

that you have ever invited me.

Well, better a little late

than a little never.

And I suddenly realized

that I have no idea...

(CHUCKLING)

...of what your life is like

outside the office.

Tell me about

Stephanie Dickinson,

civilian.

I, I don't know

where to begin.

That's a good place.

Well, I, I live

in Jackson Heights.

That much I know.

Alone?

Um, yes. No, no.

I live with my sister Anna

and her husband

and their two boys

and uh,

a bulldog named Max.

Sounds cozy.

Yes. I like

large families.

And uh, I help Anna

with the cooking.

And after dinner

I walk the dog, or I read,

watch television,

if there's

a good documentary.

And sometimes

we play Monopoly.

Monopoly. That's fun.

And my, my brother-in-law

is very good at it,

but he cheats.

Um, then on Saturdays

I take

my two nephews to town.

We go to... To the zoo

or the park.

What do you do

on your vacation?

Oh, that's when I become

a different person.

Independent

and adventurous.

I saddle up

my little Volvo...

Volvo? That's a good car.

Yeah,

well, it's second-hand.

Well, I break away

from everything

and go tooling up

to Cape Cod.

Alone?

Yes. Just me,

my paintbox and Max.

Max?

The dog.

Oh.

For the two weeks,

I, I wear blue jeans

and walk around barefoot

and paint up a storm.

What about your personal life?

I mean, uh, uh...

You mean men?

Yes.

At, at the moment,

there are no men in my life.

But there have been?

Well, Doctor,

I'm no sex goddess,

but, uh,

I haven't spent

my life in a tree.

I was married

when I was very young,

but it didn't work out.

Married? I had no idea.

Neither did he.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

And once

I was very much in love.

It lasted for

a long time, but...

But?

Well, he couldn't

leave his wife.

Him, too.

What do you mean,

"Him, too"?

Oh, nothing. I was thinking

of a similar case.

In this job,

you don't meet anything

but married men.

I suppose all the single ones

have good teeth. (LAUGHS)

(PIANO PLAYING

IN THE BACKGROUND)

Frankly, I hadn't planned

on being an old maid.

An old maid? Nonsense.

You've got

a long way to go.

Well, I've been

talking an awful lot

and I'm afraid

I'll be late for dinner.

Miss Dickinson.

I'm glad we had

this little talk.

You're a very rare person,

sensitive and generous.

Well, I guess

I'm all right.

I have a feeling

that if I found myself

in trouble,

I could count on you

for help.

But you know

that's true, Doctor.

But sometimes

a problem comes up

that's so difficult

that, uh...

Why don't you try me?

(SNAPS FINGER)

Miss Dickinson,

you could do me

a great service.

You see I'm desperately

in need of a wife.

Oh, Doctor.

Oh, please,

don't misunderstand me.

I never expected...

Oh, I need a wife temporarily,

15 or 20 minutes.

15 or 20 minutes?

I'm telling all of this

very badly.

Miss, Dickinson,

I want someone to play

the part of my wife.

Someone like me.

If only you would.

It wouldn't involve

any, uh, I mean, uh...

All, all you'd have to do

is tell a certain person

that, uh, you want a divorce.

You see,

I've suddenly decided

to get married.

I guess

I didn't tell you.

No. No, you

didn't tell me.

Well, I have.

Her name is Toni Simmons.

Oh, I'm supposed

to give you a message.

She's alive.

Well, that's only

part of it.

See, my problem is

she thinks

I'm already married.

Where could she have

gotten such an idea?

Well, at the time,

I had my reasons.

But, uh, I'll straighten

that out later.

At the moment,

I have to dig up a wife.

Well, right now, stop digging

and tell the girl

the truth. Good night.

Well, I can't tell her

anything now,

Miss Dickinson.

She's liable to...

Well, she's so young

and she's had

a lot of unfortunate

experiences.

I'm the first decent man

she's ever met.

Are you quoting her,

or you?

Toni is a wonderful girl.

She won't get married

unless she meets my wife.

I mean, she's straightforward,

she doesn't want to

be a housebreaker.

I mean, a house-wrecker.

Isn't that sweet?

Just darling.

She works at Stereo Heaven

in the Village.

And if you would

just go and meet her...

Doctor. I'm sorry.

I hate lies.

No more than I do,

Miss Dickinson,

no more than I.

But I don't know

how to

get out of this one.

My happiness

lies in your two hands.

For years, these two hands

have held nothing

but your instruments

and your appointment book.

You've managed to handle

your happiness

without any help from me.

And now you want

to use me in this...

In this contemptible way.

You just tricked me

into talking about myself

so that...

What you did

wasn't very nice, Doctor.

Not very nice at all.

(PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING)

You just can't get

decent help these days.

(CAR HONKING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I thought

you were taking us

to the zoo today.

Oh, this is much better

than the zoo.

Now, here,

you go and buy yourselves

an ice cream, huh?

I'll be over there

in the record shop.

And I'll...

I'll meet you here.

Good.

(HORN BLARING)

Don't you have this

in mono?

Uh, it's been

discontinued.

Let me look in

the stockroom. Maybe

we still have a copy.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Can I help you?

No thanks. Just browsing.

When do you expect

the recording

of the Horowitz concert?

Oh, it should be in

later this week.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Looking for something

in particular?

That, uh, Horowitz album,

if I order it now,

will you mail it to me?

Most certainly.

May I have your

name, please?

Mrs. Julian Winston.

And do you have

an account with us?

No, but my husband does

a lot of business here.

Surely you remember

my husband.

Well, I may have

assisted him sometime.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Oh, I wouldn't be surprised.

Pardon?

Maybe you didn't

catch my name.

Mrs. Julian Winston.

Uh, Marcia?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Would you handle this?

Uh, my customer,

I'll take care of this.

Sure.

Mrs. Winston,

I'm Toni Simmons.

I suppose you came here

to see me.

Dr. Winston, my husband,

said that you were

most anxious to meet me.

Well, here I am.

Um, did he, uh...

Did he tell you

about our, our plans?

Uh, the divorce.

Naturally.

Well?

Well, what?

You don't mind?

Oh, the doctor and I

are in complete agreement

about the divorce.

(EXHALES) I can't tell you

how good that makes me feel.

I really

made your day, hmm?

Well, you see,

Mrs. Winston...

Call me Stephanie.

After all, I won't be

Mrs. Winston much longer.

Oh, then you do mind?

Of course not.

Oh, things between

the doctor and me

have become impossible.

(TONI CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, I can't tell you

how good that makes me feel.

I'm glad.

May I ask you a question?

Are you absolutely sure

that you love Julian?

Do I love him?

Do you?

Madly. Wildly. Desperately.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

As long as

you're fond of him.

I don't want him

to end up

bitter and unhappy.

Oh, I understand,

especially after he had

such a terrible marriage.

It was not so terrible.

Our marriage, after all,

lasted 10 years and we...

I notice you're not

wearing a ring.

Well, when something

is over, it's over.

Well, I just hope

that you have better luck

with Julian than I did.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Uh, there's just one thing

that's bothering me...

I'll be happy to play this

for you, if you'll just...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mrs. Winston,

who's going to

tell the children?

The children?

Oh, it's going to be tough

explaining

such a horrible thing

to three young children.

Three.

(STAMMERING)

We have to tell them.

Three.

Well, I'll, I'll tell them.

Julian is no good

at that sort of thing.

How will they take it?

Oh, they'll

get used to it.

At least now I'll be able

to devote myself

to them full-time.

I've been so busy

helping Julian

with his work.

Of course,

he does have a nurse.

Oh, I know.

I hear Miss Dickinson

is marvelous.

She is.

One of those

sterling old maids,

probably madly in love

with the boss.

Did Julian

tell you that?

No, not exactly.

But one night

when he was working late,

I suddenly got jealous

of Miss Dickinson.

(GIGGLES) When I told

him about it, he just

laughed and laughed.

(LAUGHING)

Have you ever been

jealous of her?

Not me.

Any woman who marries Julian

had better not be

the possessive type.

Oh, I know Julian

must have played around.

But after all,

when a man has

a terrible marriage...

Don't keep saying that.

Now, I must go, really.

Mrs. Winston,

you asked me a question,

and now I want

to ask you one.

Are you absolutely sure

you don't love him anymore?

But of course

I don't love him anymore.

But you can't leave a man

after so many years

without feeling

a little pain.

A man with whom

you have shared all normal,

everyday things.

Worrying about

his barber, his tailor.

Making sandwiches for him.

Oh, he's crazy about chicken

and egg salad sandwiches.

And buying his shirts,

his pajamas,

his handkerchiefs,

looking after him.

Planning for him.

A man who's all yours.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

At least, almost all yours.

Oh, I don't know

what has come over me.

I'm talking nonsense.

It must be that music.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

You will see that I get

that Horowitz album?

Of course.

Shall I charge it

to Dr. Winston?

No, I'd better get used to

paying for things myself.

You want it sent

to your home address?

Yes.

No. Uh, send it

to 975 Glenwood,

uh, Jackson Heights,

Apartment 3A.

You moved out?

Yes, I packed up everything,

including the children,

and moved in with my sister.

I thought

that was the best thing

for everybody.

Mrs. Winston!

What about your future?

What's going

to become of you?

Oh, I'll just ride off

into the sunset

or something.

Well, it's just

that I want to be sure

you're all right.

Well, I'll...

I'll write you

every day.

Mrs. Winston!

I want you to know I think

you're a very gracious,

charming

and very brave woman.

Oh. Thank you, my dear.

(JULIAN SINGING)

I thought it was Toni.

What if it had been?

I just, I wanted to get

my electric razor

out of her apartment.

Why would it be in there?

Because you can't

slash your wrists

with an electric razor.

I took all her blades

away from her.

I wish you'd butt out

of my fiancee's life.

"Fiancee." now,

look, Dentist...

Doctor.

Why don't you stop

stringing the girl along?

You know you're not

going to leave your wife.

For your information, sir,

Toni and I are

getting married.

She didn't tell me.

Why should she tell you?

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

TONI: Hey, Igor.

That's a new towel.

Hello, Julian.

(KEY RATTLING)

I, I just heard

the good news.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Igor.

It'll take a while yet.

TONI: But first

there's the divorce.

Oh, we haven't

gotten our divorce yet?

Would you give Tarzan here

his electric razor?

Oh, I'm sorry, Igor.

I should have

returned it.

So, you haven't

gotten the divorce yet?

I'd like to have you

in my chair

for five minutes.

Thanks.

Next time,

don't come calling

in that outfit.

You want me to get

all dressed up to shave?

Ho-ho.

How come you're so late?

Julian, I had a visitor

at the shop this afternoon.

Your wife.

She came?

She was magnificent.

Handled herself beautifully.

She's a real lady.

Well, I don't marry

just anybody.

Then everything

is all cleared up?

Julian, you lied to me.

What? Never!

What did she tell you?

I deny it.

Well, you may not be aware

of it yourself, Julian,

but your wife

still loves you.

Hmm?

I'm telling you,

your wife still loves you.

Now, did she

or did she not

tell you that she

agrees to a divorce?

But she's only doing it

to make you happy.

She's crazy about you.

Anybody can see that.

Toni, let's stay calm.

Tell me

what the damn fool...

What my wife said.

Well, it's not what she said,

it's what she didn't say.

All right, tell me

what she didn't say.

Word for word.

Well, it was the way

she talked about you,

and your barber,

and your shirts,

and your handkerchiefs.

I got all choked up.

And she mentioned

those chicken and

egg salad sandwiches.

You mean to say she bragged

about her damn sandwiches?

She didn't brag.

She just told me

she made them.

It sounded as if

they were made with love.

Well, they were made

with mayonnaise.

And too much mayonnaise.

And next time

she gives me one,

I'm going to smack her

right across the mouth

with it.

Julian!

There's a very cruel

streak in you.

This fine woman who...

"This fine woman"?

Suddenly you're

my wife's lawyer.

Uh, Toni, you wanted

to see her. I fixed it.

Well, that was

a mistake.

Great.

Maybe if

I never met her...

But I did meet her,

and I liked her.

Especially after

I saw her

with the children.

The children?

She brought the children?

(SIGHS) They were waiting

for her across the street.

Not the little girl,

just the two boys.

Must be those damn nephews.

Incidentally,

how old is Peter?

Peter?

Peter, that's your

older boy, isn't it?

(CHUCKLING) Oh! Yeah.

Yes, that's, uh,

Peter all right.

Well, let's see, how old

would he be now? Um...

You told me

he was eight.

Well, if that's

what I told you.

Well, he looked more

like 12 to me.

Yes, well... No, it's...

It's the younger boy

who's eight.

Peter, uh... Peter is 12.

That's very interesting,

considering you've only

been married 10 years.

Come on, Julian,

the truth.

Well, all right.

The truth is that Peter

was a premature baby.

He was born

before we were married.

I'm glad.

That confirms everything.

How's that?

Don't you see?

Here's a woman

who gave herself to you

before you were married.

That proves

it was true love.

Oh, for

God's sake, Toni.

And I'd feel guilty

if I did anything to...

Toni, I told you

that she wants the divorce

as much as I do.

JULIAN: And for

a very good reason.

TONI:

What good reason?

What good reason? Huh!

Oh, boy!

(SNORTS)

Another guy.

Your wife? Another man?

I'd be very much surprised.

Toni, that's

the kind of thing

a man with a normal ego

wouldn't lie about.

Well, maybe you're right.

Knowing the fact

that you've been

cheated on,

that you wife did that

to you, makes it all

seem nicer somehow.

Just as long

as you're happy.

Why shouldn't she

have a boyfriend?

After all, you

have a mistress.

You nut.

Julian, if we're going

to dinner and a movie...

Why don't we stay in tonight

and scramble something?

I don't think we ought

to do this anymore.

What?

Well, now that

you're getting a divorce,

we ought to be

more careful.

We wouldn't want this

to get messy.

Of course not.

But, baby...

It's only for six weeks

while your wife

goes to Reno.

Reno? Hell, I'm going

to send her to Mexico

for one of those

quickie divorces.

JULIAN:

In, out, finished, bingo.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Do you think

he'll marry her?

Who?

Your wife's

boyfriend.

I don't know. Maybe.

Who cares?

I'm curious.

What's...

What's he like?

What does he do?

I haven't

the slightest idea.

I don't know him.

Wouldn't you like to

meet him?

Sort of look him over? Hmm?

Toni, you're getting

that look

in your eye again.

Two, please.

Julian, this man

may become your

children's stepfather,

maybe he'll rob your wife,

exploit her, beat her!

You have to arrange

for us to meet him.

No.

(CAR HONKING)

All right, I'll do it myself.

Now that I know her,

I'll just call her.

No, no, no, you mustn't!

Julian, if you won't do this

one little thing for me...

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

But it's such a little thing.

All we have to do

is find a man...

No!

And now, if you'll

excuse me, I...

I have to develop

some x-rays.

I'm afraid I threw

this boyfriend thing

at you too quickly.

I'll get rid of Mrs. Durant,

and then...

It won't

do you any good.

Boy, you're getting

as prickly

as your damn cactus.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

What's going on out there

between you two?

(WATER RUNNING)

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Nothing

in particular.

Don't try to

fool me, Doc.

I have a very good nose

for sexual tension.

(LAUGHS)

That's very funny,

Mrs. Durant.

Very funny.

(WHIRRING)

Open.

(SCREAMING)

(LID CLATTERING)

You'll ruin the x-rays!

Now, listen, Miss Dickinson,

before the next patient

shows up...

No, you listen to me.

You asked me

to pose as your wife.

It was preposterous

but I did it and I think

I did it beautifully.

Problem is, too beautifully.

Toni thinks

you still love me.

Me?

Not you, my wife.

How could she get

a ridiculous notion

like that?

From you.

Nonsense.

I behaved like

a dignified, civilized,

willing-to-be-divorced wife.

Naturally I couldn't take

my situation lightly because

there were children involved.

Why did you have

to bring them along?

That's what choked her up.

I always take

my nephews out

on Saturdays.

If I can't spend

my weekends

as I see fit, Doctor,

me and my cactus

will be glad to resign.

Miss Dickinson,

you know I can't get along

without you.

Of course I do.

You must help me,

Miss Dickinson,

not only as a friend,

but as a nurse.

It's your professional duty.

Ha! Professional.

Yes!

My problems with Toni

are beginning

to affect my work.

Do you know what

happened just now in there?

I hurt Mrs. Durant.

She felt pain.

It's the first time

in my life

I've ever hurt a patient.

Too bad it wasn't

Harvey Greenfield.

Miss Dickinson,

you played the part

of my wife once

and you enjoyed yourself.

Admit it.

You did enjoy it.

Yes. It wasn't too bad.

All right.

Now here's your chance

to play a return engagement.

No actress quits

after one performance.

Oh, so, I lose a husband

and gain a lover?

At least I don't feel

completely abandoned.

Good, wonderful.

Now, all we have to do

is to find someone

to play the part

of your boyfriend.

What about Señor Sanchez?

He keeps sniffing around me.

What about

your brother-in-law,

the dirty Monopoly player?

Doctor, you want me

to act the part

and now you want me

to furnish my own props?

I need a boyfriend,

you find me one.

That's not going

to be easy.

Thanks.

I mean,

we have to find someone

I know I can trust.

(BELL DINGS)

Am I late?

As a matter of fact,

Harvey,

you're just in time.

Not him! Not him!

Hey, what's

going on here?

Boy, does she hate me.

You're wrong

about that.

Harvey, how would you like

to have your girl's teeth

fixed for free?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I thought

you'd never show up.

You mean,

you hoped.

Waiter!

Right this way,

Mr. Greenfield.

Why did you choose

this place?

It's the new in spot.

I never heard of it.

Nobody has. That's why

it's so popular.

Now, what'll you

have to drink?

Let's go all out

and have champagne.

Very good, madame.

Domestic.

Now, where are they?

They'll be here.

You know, you look different

when you're all dressed up.

In the office,

you sort of look like

a large Band-Aid.

Mr. Greenfield,

I couldn't care less

what you think of me.

Hey, I'm supposed to be

your lover, remember?

That's the reason

you're getting a divorce.

So, uh, let's act

a little crazy about me,

shall we?

Your hand.

What about my hand?

It's on my knee.

Sorry, I thought

it was mine.

Shall we dance?

I'd rather

walk on hot coals.

This is going to be

a smashing evening.

Oh, I didn't know

they made champagne

in Idaho.

There!

Drink up. It'll make me

look better to you.

There isn't that much

wine in the world.

To our love affair.

God forbid.

Oh, there they are.

Quick.

Quick what?

Act natural, romantic.

Flirt with me.

You want me to act natural

and flirt with you

at the same time?

(LAUGHS) Oh,

you really are a louse.

A Scotch and water

and a Scotch and soda, please.

Julian, don't look now,

but it's your wife.

My wife? Nonsense.

No, I'm sure that's her

over there with that man.

Yes, that's my wife,

all right.

And with her boyfriend.

Well, what do you know

about that?

Oh, this is embarrassing.

Well, you insisted

on seeing him.

I know, but now I feel

like a spy. Let's go.

Okay.

Look, as long

as we're here,

how do you know

that's her boyfriend?

Well, who else could it be?

Besides, look at them.

They act very affectionate.

Yes, they do.

I thought she

only played Monopoly.

Hey, go easy on that stuff.

I'm not sure

I can pay for it.

Don't worry.

Dr. Winston gave me money

to pay for the check.

Thank you.

I don't think

they've noticed us.

We'd better

push things a bit.

Let's dance.

But when I

asked you before ...

Shut up and dance.

She dances, too.

Everything about your wife

seems to surprise you.

Oh, it's been so long

since we've

really communicated.

Come on, I want to

look at them closer.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Your hand!

Look, I'm only human.

Barely.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, hello, Julian.

Talk about coincidence.

Good evening,

Mrs. Winston.

Good evening.

I want you to meet my...

Hi, honey.

I'm Harvey Greenfield,

her boyfriend.

Harvey,

this is my husband.

Good to meet you, old man.

I've heard a lot about you.

Join us for a drink?

No. Well, I...

Well, after all,

we are civilized people,

unless, of course,

you two

prefer to be alone?

Hell, no! I mean,

we are civilized people.

Look, why don't you

come to our table?

This party's on me.

What do you think of him?

Ask me later.

It's strange to see you

in a nightclub.

I didn't realize

you were such a swinger.

Oh, you never

really knew me, my dear.

Can we have

some more glasses

over here, please?

Julian thinks of me

as a homebody

because of all the years

I was trapped

by the children.

Of course.

By the way, Mr. Greenfield,

Yes?

How do

you like children?

Barbecued.

(CHUCKLING)

That's the kind of joke

made by a man who is trying

to hide his feelings.

JULIAN:

Deep down, I know

you really love children.

Huh?

Deep down.

Oh, yeah. Oh, deep down.

Yes, yes, especially yours.

I'm nuts about them.

Mr. Greenfield,

uh, what kind of work

do you do?

Oh, I don't work

for a living, honey,

I'm an actor.

Why don't you

pour the wine?

An actor? Isn't that

a very insecure profession?

Only financially.

That's quite a girl

you got there, Julian.

I hear it's going to

happen very soon

between you two.

As soon as

we can make it.

Julian, I hardly think

it's the moment to...

Come on, now, Toni.

We have nothing to hide

from these people.

Yeah, it's all

in the family.

Stephanie and I

have nothing to hide

from each other either.

Oh please,

change the subject.

Look at her blushing.

Isn't she cute?

Really, Harvey...

She acts kind of

cold in public

but when we're alone

together, oh, boy.

I forgot you knew her

as well as I do.

She's absolutely...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Let's have

another drink.

The party's dying.

Oh, there you are, Harvey.

I'm sorry I'm late, honey.

Hello, everybody.

Won't you sit down?

No, she doesn't want to.

We have to talk now.

It's business.

Well, did we have

a date, or didn't we?

Please excuse us, folks.

She's the daughter

of my TV sponsor.

Silly debutante.

I'll be right back.

What are you

trying to pull?

Quiet, or you'll be stuck

with your old teeth.

Uh, would you

excuse me, please?

I'll go and

powder my nose.

Do you want me

to go with you?

No, dear.

I'm all right.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Julian.

What's wrong?

He's a bum.

Oh, I wouldn't

say that.

You didn't catch it,

but earlier I saw her

slip some money to him

under the table.

That doesn't

mean anything.

Did you get a load

of that girl?

Well, I wasn't paying

much attention.

When she bent over

it looked like she had her

knees up inside her dress.

Now look, I could give you

a dozen explanations,

but you might as well

know the real one.

I'm a member

of the CIA.

The CIA?

I thought you were

a television actor.

That's my cover.

So, if you ever see me

in public

with another girl,

you must pretend

not to know me

or it could

put my life

in great danger.

Oh, I wouldn't want

to do that.

It doesn't matter

what we think of him.

It's my wife

who loves him.

Loves him? Didn't you see

how humiliated she was?

Well, Toni, I...

What do you want me

to do about it?

We have got to save her

from that man.

Toni, the man

probably had a little

too much to drink.

Why do you keep

defending him?

I'm angry enough

because you were

so chummy with him.

Julian, my respect for you

is going down every minute.

Hey, is the party

still going on?

Not for you,

Mr. Greenfield.

Huh?

I don't like the way

you treated my wife.

A joke's a joke.

And I don't like

the way you behaved

toward my girl either.

I want you to leave quietly

and never see my wife again.

Or my children.

Well, wait a minute,

buster.

If I hear that

you've been bothering

Stephanie again,

I'll knock

all your teeth out.

You'll have to put them

back in again.

Get out!

I guess that'll

take care of him.

You know, Julian,

I've never seen you being

so physical before.

And you were beautiful.

Ah, it was nothing.

What do you say

we go over to your place

where we can be alone?

I'd like that.

Well, I am a little tired,

so I think I'll go home.

If you'll excuse me.

You're going home alone?

Without an escort?

Oh, I'm used to that.

Thank you. Good night.

Good night.

Mrs. Winston.

Wait. Uh, Julian

can drop me off

and then drive you home.

No, no,

I couldn't do that.

Oh, he'd be glad to.

Won't you, dear?

It's all settled.

Thank you, Toni.

It's been so long

since Julian and I

have gone home together.

You're a great

little fixer.

I'll dump her

in Jackson Heights and then

come back to your place.

No, Julian, not tonight.

Stay with her.

Are you out of your mind?

What the hell am I

going to do with her?

You're gonna be

very nice.

Now, wait a minute...

Very nice, to please me.

Well, Doctor,

I know how anxious

you are

to dump me and get back

to Toni, so you...

I'm not going back there.

You're not going back?

No.

Toni thought

you looked so sad

and humiliated,

she told me

to stay with you.

Stay with me?

Now, let us get

our stories straight.

As far as Toni is concerned,

are we supposed to have

spent the night together?

No, of course not.

I've thought

the whole thing over

and I've decided

to tell the truth.

Good for you.

I'll buy her a nice,

expensive present

and tell the truth,

then she and I

can get married.

Then everything is fine.

No, it isn't.

'cause when she finds out

that I've been lying,

she's liable to do

something desperate.

It's all your fault.

You did all you could

to louse me up.

Harvey was trying his best.

You didn't have to

put on that act

about being humiliated.

That was no act.

I was humiliated.

Miss Dickinson,

you have this

hang-up about men

that forces you to destroy

any possible relationship.

That's really what

causes you hate Harvey.

No one needs a reason

for hating Harvey.

You completely

de-feminize yourself.

I've noticed it

around the office

and around me.

Now, Doctor, I was hired

as a nurse-receptionist,

not as a geisha girl.

You're afraid,

Miss Dickinson.

Afraid of emotion,

afraid of intimacy,

afraid to live.

If you call that living,

the way you carry on,

Doctor, then you're right.

I'm only telling you this

for your own good.

Funny how, whenever

people hurt your feelings,

they're always doing it

for your own good.

Turn right

at the next corner.

Hi, Igor.

Hi. You got Aida

with Callas?

Sure.

You know, I haven't

heard your typewriter

last few days.

I'm too depressed

to work.

Sometimes, I wish

my mother

had taken the pill.

What's your problem,

a girl?

No, I've outgrown

that stuff.

Sex is for teenagers.

Seem to need something else.

I don't know what.

I know exactly

how you feel.

Hey, can I read

your play sometime?

Yeah, it'd be nice

if somebody did.

Well, I'd like that

very much.

Want me to put it in a sack?

No, I'll listen to it here.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

JULIAN:

Do you always stand

up there like that?

Nobody around here looks.

Most of our customers

are classical.

(GIGGLING)

What are you doing here?

My lunch hour,

and I brought you

a present.

A present? It isn't even

my birthday or anything.

Open it.

Let's go in the back.

Gee, I wonder

what could be in here.

Guess.

Black leather slacks?

Black leather slacks?

Can't you think

bigger than that?

What could be bigger

than black leather slacks?

Okay, I give up.

A mink stole!

A mink stole!

And a card, too.

"Your next appointment

is on..."

"As ever, Julian."

How sweet.

Aren't you going

to try it on?

A mink stole. (GIGGLES)

Okay, Julian, what are you

trying to tell me?

What makes you think

I'm trying to

tell you anything?

You're not

a stingy man, Julian,

but you're not the last

of the big-time

spenders, either.

Well...

(CLEARS THROAT)

As a matter of fact,

there was something

that I...

I wanted to tell you.

It's, uh...

It's about me

and my, uh...

Your wife?

I get the message.

You do?

Yeah.

Last night, you and she...

For old times' sake.

(SCOFFS) That's absurd.

Julian, don't apologize.

After all, it was I who

told you to be nice to her.

Of course,

it was up to you

to decide how nice.

Oh, look, Toni, it's

nothing like that. It's...

You see, the fact is,

Stephanie is...

Yes?

MR. SHIRLEY:

Miss Simmons.

Would you step in here

for a moment, please?

Yes, Mr. Shirley.

May I ask

what's going on here?

Um, this gentleman

is looking for a, a stereo

to match the color

of his wife's mink.

When I think how many nuts

are running around loose

in this town...

Carry on.

Now, go ahead.

You were saying

Stephanie is...

Yes, you see,

Stephanie, uh, is...

Oh, come on, Julian,

let's have it.

You know me.

I can forgive

anything but a lie.

Forget it.

Let me try to help.

You have a problem

with Stephanie, right?

Never mind.

Let's see, she drinks?

No.

She's a kleptomaniac?

No.

Uh, she takes acid?

(SIGHS)

There's only

one other thing

I know a man would

really be ashamed

to talk about.

Stephanie is

no nymphomaniac.

I guessed it?

That's what you

came here to tell me?

Wow.

Well, go ahead,

give me all the details.

What can I tell you,

except my wife, Stephanie,

is a slave to her desires?

Well, that's a very

sweet way of

describing a nympho.

You can imagine

what my life

has been like.

Julian, you've got

to take the children

away from her immediately.

Why? It's not catching.

You, you, you've got

to fight her for custody.

You have...

Shh!

Come to think of it,

the children don't look

much like you.

The whole thing

is too painful

to talk about.

Oh, you poor darling.

When I think of

that awful woman.

What am I saying?

She's not awful.

I mean, she's marvelous.

I admire her courage.

Well, now that

the whole ugly story

is out,

we'll never mention

her name again.

You know what I was doing

when you arrived?

Sending a present

to Stephanie.

She likes Horowitz.

What's her address

in Jackson Heights?

Why don't you just

send it to the office?

Miss Dickinson

will forward it.

Hi.

What do you mean by that?

I'll see you later.

This time I was dressed.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

What have you got there?

Oh, it's mink.

From Julian.

My Aunt Bertha

has one just like it.

Yeah, I know. I wanted

black leather slacks.

Poor Julian. He thought

this would please me.

It's a throwback

to the days

when, when a hunter

would give his wife

the dead animal skins.

Wonder how many minks

Julian has killed?

That's very unkind, Igor.

When I think of

all the women who would

do anything for this

and here I am,

not really wanting it.

Hey, Igor, this is my chance

to do a good deed.

I was going to send

his wife those records.

I'll send her

this mink instead.

Oh, boy.

What's wrong?

She'll love it.

Mrs. Winston

will never accept

a mink stole from you.

Where's that card?

"As ever, Julian."

That should do it.

Anyway, it's just sort

of a care package.

Toni, you're a kook.

But a nice kook.

Oh, Señor Sanchez,

but you're

10 minutes early.

Imagine, Arturo Sanchez

being early

for the dentist.

It is a new man, no?

Certainly is.

And today,

I hurried to get here.

Do you know why?

El Bravo rides again.

Yes.

The cowardly fear

of the dentist,

is completely overcome

by the great desire

to see the lovely,

delicious

Miss Dickinson.

I'll tell Dr. Winston

that you're here.

(STAMMERING) Ah, wait.

Do not call him yet.

Tell me,

have you ever been

to a diplomatic ball?

Me? It's a little

out of my line.

Tonight there will

be such a function

at the Waldorf.

It will be very boring

unless you do me the honors

of accompanying me.

What about your wife?

Must we take my wife

everywhere?

Besides, she's spending

a week at a fat farm.

Thank you, Señor Sanchez,

but I rarely go out

on weekdays,

and I don't have

the kind of clothes...

I can buy you anything.

In a Swiss bank,

I have $20 million.

It's nice

of you to ask me,

but I'm afraid not.

But, I must warn you,

the men in my family

are very persistent.

For 200 years

after Columbus

we persisted in thinking

that the world was flat.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

MAIL BOY:

Package for Mrs. Winston.

Mrs. Win...

Yes, I, I'll take it.

I didn't know

Dr. Winston

was married.

Well, it's always a shock

when it happens

to someone you know.

Miss Dickinson, we're running

low on acrylic cement.

I wish you'd reorder it.

Yes, Doctor.

I did that already,

yesterday.

(LAUGHS)

The firing squad.

No, no, no.

No blindfold, huh?

Doctor, this package

just arrived

for Mrs. Winston.

Oh, yes, that, uh,

that's a present for you.

For me? From whom?

One of your fans.

"As ever, Julian."

For me.

For me!

(QUAVERING)

From Julian.

Miss Dickinson,

the patient's

x-rays, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor,

I'm so overwhelmed.

That present...

I don't know

how to thank you.

Don't thank me.

Well, who else?

And that lovely card,

"As ever, Julian."

What?

Oh. Yes, of course.

I, uh,

I wanted to get you

something that

I thought you'd like.

After all, you've put up

with a lot from me lately.

I never dreamed

I'd, I...

I never expected

anything like this.

Oh, it's... It's all right,

if you like Horowitz.

Horowitz? Must be

the name of the furrier.

Oh. Ah.

Miss Dickinson, these are

Harvey Greenfield's x-rays.

I'm so sorry, Doctor.

(STAMMERING)

What is it, Doctor?

Is there something

wrong with my x-ray?

You know

how nervous I am.

Hello, Anna.

I want you to run over

to Lucille's dress shop.

There's an evening dress

I was looking at.

I want you to buy it for me.

I need it tonight.

I'm going to a ball.

Doctor, you can

tell me the truth.

Um, it is an abscess?

The, the nerve is dead?

All my teeth have to go?

Doctor, talk to me,

please!

What is she?

Your dearest friend?

Do you realize

how much I paid

for that mink?

Oh boy, you're never

going to stop

nagging me about it.

You're beginning to sound

just like a husband.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

A square husband.

Hi. You said you wanted

to read my play.

Thanks, Igor.

Hey, what are you doing

for dinner tonight?

It depends.

What have you got

in your refrigerator?

We're going out for dinner.

You want to come with us?

I'm sure Igor

would be very bored.

No. Not if

you're paying for it.

I'll put on a tie.

Why? Are you having

your beads re-strung?

I thought we were

going to have

a quiet little dinner?

Well, Igor's

very depressed.

There's a lot of that

going around now.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Why'd we come back here?

It's the one place

we won't bump

into Dr. Winston.

Why don't you want

to bump into Dr. Winston?

Let me put it to you

this way, shut up.

Hello, Harvey.

How are you?

How am I?

I'm sore as hell,

that's how I am.

I don't blame you,

Harvey, but listen...

You treated me like

I was dirt and

you were Mr. Clean.

Look, I'm having

a rough time.

As long as I was

lying to her,

everything was fine.

But the minute

I decided

to do the right thing

and marry her,

I've had nothing

but troubles.

You wouldn't believe

the complications.

It's like waltzing

in wet cement.

I haven't even been able

to spend one night

alone with her.

I'd better get back, Harvey,

before she sees us together.

If you work for the CIA,

how come you hang around

with dentists?

He's installing a miniature

radio transmitter

in my wisdom tooth.

What were you

doing talking to

that awful man?

I was getting lonesome

for the sound

of a human voice.

Can I have another

glass of beer?

Not yours.

Why did we have

to come here tonight?

Well, after what

happened last time,

it's the one place

we're sure not to

run into your wife.

This is very interesting.

What made you suggest this?

It's the one place

we're sure not to

run into my boss.

Oh, thank you, Arturo.

The ball was marvelous.

Oh, no, no, no.

You were marvelous.

What shall we drink?

Let's have some of that

crazy Idaho champagne.

Hey. Look at that!

I can hardly believe

that's Stephanie.

It is.

I recognize the mink.

Oh, that gown is absolute

poetry. Everybody at the ball

was staring at it.

It's a copy

of a copy.

Oh, but a girl like you

should have

nothing but originals.

In a Swiss bank,

I have $20 million...

Well. Didn't take her long

to find somebody else.

Toni, do you want to

let me in on this?

Who's that woman?

Julian's wife.

Not bad, Julian.

As a matter of fact,

she's very attractive.

Thank you.

Say, Igor, I didn't

know you went

for the older ones.

Look who's talking.

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHING)

There's Dr. Winston.

Where?

Oh, dear.

(SIGHS)

It seems I just can't

get away from that man.

Would you like to leave?

No, no, no,

let's ignore him.

After all, my evenings

are my own.

What about your weekends?

They belong

to my nephews.

Oh, I see.

El Bravo, you're not

going to give up

that easily, are you?

Of course not.

Did I tell you the time

I played a whole game

of polo with a broken leg?

No, tell me about it.

Hey, isn't that the woman

from the other night?

Yeah, I do believe

you're right.

Who is she?

That's the dentist's,

uh, wife.

Well, who's that

with the dentist?

That's his fiancee.

He has a wife

and a fiancee?

Well, it's better

than having two wives.

Then who's the man

with Mrs. Winston?

Her new boyfriend.

Who's the guy

with Dr. Winston

and his girl?

That must be

her boyfriend.

I think the whole

thing is shocking.

Shall we?

(LAUGHS)

Look at them

dancing.

You're not jealous,

are you?

She shouldn't leave

her mink

lying around like that.

Someone might take it.

It's her mink now.

Come on, let's dance.

Mrs. Winston!

Oh!

Here we are again.

Good evening, Doctor.

Good evening,

patient.

Well, you're certainly

blossoming out.

Doctor, you once

compared me

to my cactus plant.

Well, every so often,

that prickly little thing

puts out a flower

that some people think...

Miss Dickinson,

I strongly disapprove

of you making dates

with patients.

Really? Then how come

you fixed me up

with Harvey?

Look at them

acting so damn polite.

They're all

rotten, rotten.

What do you want them to do,

start kicking each other?

Rotten, rotten.

No, Julian,

like this.

That looks like fun.

Let us try it.

That's it, Stephanie.

Oh!

I've got it, huh?

Hi, Sergeant.

Hi, Harv.

Boy, you're terrific.

They've lost me.

You go dance with her.

Cheer up. One of these days

the fox trot may come back.

Hi, Igor.

Introduce us.

Mrs. Winston,

this is Igor Sullivan.

That's not his real

name, of course.

Of course.

What is that?

The uptight.

And what is this?

The boogaloo.

What's that?

A new step.

What's it called?

The dentist.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Are you sulking again?

I got bored dancing

with Señor Sanchez.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, thank you, Igor.

I should have

brought my wife.

You must feel

as if you were dancing

with your mother.

Quiet, I'm enjoying this.

So am I.

Then relax.

Let's not get neurotic

about age.

You're a very sexy lady.

An old sexy lady.

Good.

Let's run away and live

on your social security.

I must say,

that Igor of yours is

a pretty vulgar dancer.

What do you mean, Igor?

She's the one plastering

herself against him.

When I think of all

I've done for her.

Hey, did you see that?

He just kissed her

on the neck.

Phoo! She sure likes

a lot of action.

Yes, she does,

doesn't she?

Right now she's surrounded

by her husband,

her ex-boyfriend,

her current boyfriend,

and maybe

her future boyfriend.

If somebody doesn't

stop that guy

he's gonna make love to her

in the middle of the floor.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Igor! Our song!

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Well, maybe I shouldn't

leave her alone

when she's like this.

Leave her alone?

That's some talk

for a man

who's planning a divorce.

Make sure that

gets home all right.

Rotten, rotten, rotten.

Rotten, rotten.

Everything you told me

about your wife

certainly was true.

She's not a lady.

She's a barracuda.

I don't care

to discuss it anymore.

Hey, look at that,

some poor schnook is getting

his car towed away.

Julian.

Hey, wait a minute,

that's my car!

JULIAN:

Hey, come back here!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Here.

Oh. Good morning, Doctor.

That's how you're

coming to work?

Well, I didn't have time

to go home.

Where were you

all night?

It's all a blur.

A beautiful,

blurry blur.

When you left the club

you were already doing

fairly well, blurry-wise.

We didn't really

get started

until after you left.

I'm sure that

must have helped.

Everybody got to

know everybody and, uh,

at about 3:00 we were

invited to this big bash.

A bash?

A party.

Uh, in this pad,

on, uh, Waverly Place.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Did you ever have...

Oh.

Did you ever

have a gin and tonic

made with, with tequila?

No, thank you.

Tequila and tonic?

No, no. No.

You substitute

the tequila...

No, you substitute

the tonic

for the tequila.

The tequila

for the tonic?

Yes, they call it...

Gin and tequila?

Yes. They call it

the Mexican Measles.

"Missile."

(LAUGHING)

Missile. Yes, and, um,

they tell me

it prevents malaria.

You know what I've done?

I've created

a monster. That's what.

No, Dr. Frankenstein,

this is not creation

of yours, this is me.

Me, experiencing new things.

Things that

I've never done before.

And having a hell

of a good time.

So you stayed there

all night

fighting malaria?

No, we went to the beach.

The beach?

Yes, we wanted some fresh air,

so we drove to Coney Island.

It's lovely there at dawn.

Nobody around. We sat there

and watched the sun come up.

You sat on the beach

in your new mink stole?

Oh, a little sand

won't hurt it.

I had to lie on something.

Wait a minute.

You said you were sitting.

Were you sitting or lying?

A little of this

and a little of that.

You should have

come with us.

There wouldn't have been

room for all of us

on the mink.

Anyway, I'm sure

you prefer

to be with Toni.

Toni? I forgot

all about her.

STEPHANIE:

What's the matter?

I, uh, I left her standing

outside the discotheque.

I hope she had

sense enough to go home.

(DIALING)

(SIGHING)

It's just not practical

to keep one in the city.

A girl?

No, a car.

Toni?

I, I didn't wake you,

did I?

Oh, I wanted to make sure

you got home all right.

No, I didn't get it.

Well, first I, I went to

the police station,

and they told me

to try this garage

on the East Side.

When I got there

they told me to try the

garage on the West Side.

And when I got there,

it was closed.

I couldn't find a cab

so I had to walk home.

I should have listened

to my mother

and become an MD.

Then they let you

park anywhere.

Yeah, okay.

You go back to bed.

I'll see you tonight. Right.

Did she get home

all right?

Yes, which is more

than I can say for you.

My cactus.

It's blooming!

Never mind, now.

What about your night

of debauchery

with Señor Sanchez?

Señor Sanchez?

Whoever said anything

about him?

We lost him

early in the evening.

We? Who's we?

Igor and I.

You mean,

you spent the night

with that hippie?

But you're wrong about Igor.

He's sensitive

and sincere and very poetic.

Poetic? I saw him

kiss you on the neck.

He's also very friendly.

There's no such thing

as a friendly kiss

on the neck.

I must say it's grotesque,

a woman your age throwing

yourself at a kid like that.

What about that

father-and-daughter

thing of yours?

If you don't think

that looks ridiculous...

It's different with a man.

A man with a younger woman

looks appropriate.

But when it's

the other way around...

You go to your church

and I'll go to mine.

It wasn't easy for me

to do what I did

last night.

But every time

I felt shaky,

I thought about you.

Oh, yes. It was obvious

you were thinking of me.

Thinking about all

those terrible things

you said to me.

I was determined

to make up

for the time I'd lost.

And I intend

to keep on doing it.

And now, if you'll

excuse me,

I'm going to take

an Alka-Seltzer.

I don't mind saying

I'm disappointed in you,

Miss Dickinson.

Very disappointed.

Doctor, you're the one

who said I was

discouraging men.

Stifling my femininity.

But the first time

an attractive young man

pays a little attention

to me, you go to pieces.

Well, if I didn't

know you so well,

I'd almost swear

you're jealous.

Jealous? Of you?

Come now,

Miss Dickinson.

I just think

it's in very bad taste

when, under my eyes

and the eyes

of my fiancee,

my wife puts on

an indecent,

immoral exhibition,

with someone young

enough to be her son.

All right, look.

So you had a little

fling last night.

Nobody's knocking it.

After all, there was

no harm done. Was there?

Why don't you come right out

and ask me

if I went to bed with him?

All right.

Did you go to bed

with him?

It's none

of your business.

What happened out there

on my mink stole?

I mean, the beach?

I want to know.

By what right?

A husband's right.

Let me remind you

that you're still my wife!

No more!

I want a divorce!

After all the years

of misery I've had.

Years of misery?

Yes, all those mornings

when I went in

and found hairpins

on the couch

and lipstick

on mouthwash glasses.

You've been spying on me?

All right,

you want to play rough,

I'll tell the world

about your drunkenness,

your wild parties,

your orgies

on the beach!

You want a divorce?

It's I who wants a divorce.

I'll call the Registry

and have them

send you another nurse.

And here, give this to

your child-concubine.

Stephanie,

if you walk out now,

don't bother

to come back!

Don't worry,

Doctor Winston,

you won't see me again.

And that goes

for the children, too!

How late were you

out with her?

I thought you came here

to talk about my play?

Well, I'll wait

till they make it

into a movie.

I have a right to know

what went on.

She's my fiancee's wife.

Toni, I'd rather not

discuss the lady.

Well, I happen to know

this particular lady

swings with anybody.

Well, then I guess

I'm not anybody.

You mean, nothing?

She didn't want to, huh?

Maybe I didn't want to.

Oh, I doubt that.

I saw the way

you kissed her neck

like Dracula.

All we did was dance a lot,

drink a lot, talk a lot.

About what?

About my work,

about myself.

It isn't often

I find a woman

I, I enjoy talking to.

Are you implying

you can't talk to me?

Come to think of it,

I cannot. You're always

doing the talking,

and it's always

about your troubles

with that tooth jockey.

Julian is a fine man

and much too good

for his wife.

You ought to know

what I know.

Well, I know what I know.

She's a hell of a dame.

(STAMMERING)

She's good-looking, smart,

warm, very appealing.

Aha, then you

did want to!

Oh, for God's sake,

Toni, why don't

you act your age?

Or rather,

don't act your age.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Dracula,

it's for you.

Toni, I want to

talk to you.

Hi. How's your head

today?

Which one?

Igor, do you, do you

mind if I talk to...

Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute,

I live here.

You can wait

in my place.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And I used to

worry about you.

That's what caused

all the trouble.

Boy, you and Igor,

that child...

I didn't come

to talk about Igor.

I want to talk

about Julian and me.

All right.

What about Julian?

Are you keeping him

or can you spare him?

I want to know.

There is something else

you have to know,

and I'm going

straight to the point.

I have no patience

with people who shilly-shally

about these things.

Julian and I...

Julian, uh...

Oh, my God,

it isn't as easy

as I thought.

Well, I think

I can guess.

You're pregnant.

Pregnant? Whatever

gave you that idea?

That night Julian

took you home.

Why not?

You're still

Mrs. Winston.

I am not Mrs. Winston!

(SIGHS)

I'm Miss Dickinson.

Miss Dickinson?

But you...

The old maid?

That's ridiculous.

That's what I think.

Well, I hate

to be the one...

Now, wait a minute.

Now, let's not get excited.

You're Miss Dickinson,

Julian's nurse. Right?

Right.

Well, then,

who's Mrs. Winston?

But there is no

Mrs. Winston.

Julian isn't married.

Never has been.

This is a trick,

isn't it?

You're trying to confuse me,

so I'll do something.

You'll get to keep

him for yourself,

along with Harvey, and Igor

and that South American.

He lied to me.

(WHIMPERS)

I'm sorry, Toni.

I know this is a shock

for anyone.

And even greater

for someone with

your youth and idealism,

but...

That dirty son of a bitch!

Well, that's one way

of looking at it.

Toni, wait!

Toni, Julian loves you.

Then why did

he lie like that?

He isn't a bad man.

He's just a little weak.

A weak man,

but a strong liar.

When I think of all those

thousands of details

the little things he told me

about his married life,

his children.

Igor, why don't...

Could I...

What are we playing,

Odd Man Out?

(DOOR SLAMS)

Damn it,

I've been swindled!

Toni, Julian is

marrying you.

A lot of girls would

leap at such a swindle.

I know you're expecting

Julian and I don't

want to run into him...

How come you decided

to unmess this mess?

Let's say, Miss Dickinson's

a very conscientious nurse

and likes to tidy up

before she goes.

Sooner or later,

Julian is going to

break down

and tell you the truth

on his own.

Please help him.

Accept him.

A man who lies cannot love.

That sounds like something

out of a fortune cookie.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Dirty, married bachelor.

Toni?

What did you want?

(SIGHS)

What's this all about?

Never mind.

Kiss me again.

Okay, but after this one,

I want

a complete explanation.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(WHISPERING)

Is that Julian?

(WHISPERING)

What if it is?

Toni, I don't know

what your game is,

but you're not gonna use me.

I'm getting out of here.

JULIAN: Toni?

How? He's right outside.

Easy.

(LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JULIAN: Toni?

I thought

you'd never answer.

What were you doing?

Getting rid

of my lover.

Oh, come on, Toni.

Please. Not tonight.

Tonight I...

I need all your help

and understanding.

What do you mean?

Well, I have something

to tell you and it's tough.

You've come

to tell me the truth.

Well, don't worry, darling.

If you've come to

tell me the truth...

You are going to

tell me the truth?

Well, go ahead, sweetheart.

I promise everything

will be all right.

Thanks, my love.

You're just marvelous.

This isn't going to

be easy.

But here it is.

My wife, Stephanie,

has changed her mind

about the divorce.

Try, try to remain

calm, dear.

It was a blow to me, too.

Oh, you poor man.

Well, now, let's see

if I can get this straight.

Your wife suddenly refuses

to give you a divorce?

It's hard to believe,

isn't it?

Very. When did

she tell you this?

This morning.

I fought like a tiger.

I pleaded with her.

I offered her everything

the house, money,

the car, more money.

But she and

her lawyer say no.

(SIGHS)

You can divorce her.

You have grounds,

all those lovers.

I can't because

of the children

and she knows it.

So, she's got us

over a barrel.

I'm absolutely sick about it.

Well, what happens

to me now?

We'll go right on

seeing each other

as before.

Good.

We'll manage

to snatch a few scraps

of happiness from life.

It's a compromise,

I know, but...

Well, dear,

if that's the way

it has to be...

Oh, baby,

how wonderfully well

you're taking this. Mmm.

You'll see,

we'll be even happier

than before.

Oh, well, it's not

such a bad arrangement.

And it, it's fair.

You'll still have

your wife, and me,

and I'll still have

you and Igor.

Igor?

(CHUCKLES) Igor.

But you said

you were just friends.

(STAMMERING)

You were lying to me?

(SIGHS)

I'm ashamed

to admit it.

I know how

you hate the thought

of a lie.

Oh, come on, Toni.

You're just putting me on,

aren't you?

What's that for?

That's our signal

that the coast is clear

and he can come over.

If I thought for one moment

that you and he...

You realize that if he walks

through that door,

it's all finished between us?

I realize that.

(WINDOW OPENING)

You called me?

What are you doing

coming through

the window like that?

Can't expect me

to come through

the hall like that.

Julian, don't feel

too bad about this.

You'll get over it...

I'll be fine, Toni.

You broke up my home.

You took me from my wife.

You alienated me

from my children.

But, thank God,

I still have

one thing left.

My integrity.

Now, would you mind

letting me in on this?

Igor, why don't

you have dinner

with me tonight?

Okay. I'll put

some clothes on.

Oh, you don't have to

go to all that trouble

just for me.

(TONI GIGGLING)

(JULIAN SNORING)

I thought you quit.

I came to pick up

my cactus.

What are you doing

in the office

on a Saturday?

Last night I had

12 Mexican Missiles,

and this is where

I splashed down.

Is everything all right

between you and Toni?

Oh, yes. Things are

all straightened out.

And, I might add,

without your help

and interference.

I'm so happy for you.

Well, I'm not

very happy for me.

Toni and I have split up.

What?

I went to see her

and I told her

that you wouldn't agree

to a divorce.

(LAUGHING)

Very clever.

What's so funny?

Nothing, except that

I went to Toni and told her

that we weren't married.

Why'd you do that?

I thought I'd fix things.

At least somebody

would get what he wanted.

You just can't stop making

chicken and egg sandwiches.

Why did you have

to go there and lie?

Because it was

the only way I could

get out of marrying her.

Don't you want

to marry her?

No. It's always

been a mistake

and when I caught her

with Igor, I knew it.

But she thinks

Igor is a child.

I know. I saw him come

through the window

with a diaper on.

He made me feel

like an idiot.

I got out as fast as I could.

Now I understand

why you went out

and got drunk.

No, no. You don't understand.

You see, when I left there,

I was angry.

Absolutely furious!

Homicidal!

So you killed

a quart of tequila?

Please, stop interrupting.

I was sore as hell at Toni,

and then suddenly

it was like magic.

My anger disappeared

and I suddenly felt

a delicious sense of relief.

I said to myself,

"Julian, thank God,

at last you're out of it.

"Now you can go home

to your wife."

I bounced down the stairs,

singing to myself,

and I suddenly remembered

I had no wife.

When I got home,

there'd be nobody.

And when I got back

to the office,

you wouldn't be here either.

So then you hung one on.

It's marvelous, Doc,

uh, oh...

That's very nice, Doctor.

Stephanie.

Doctor.

I think

I'm going to kiss you.

When will you know

for sure?

I plan to do this often.

I'll make a note

to remind you.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

You know, it's funny,

I feel as though

you've always been my wife.

We don't even have to

bother getting married.

Well, just as

a matter of form.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Dr. Winston's office.

No, he isn't in on Saturdays.

Can I take a message?

Oh, well,

just a minute. I'll...

It's a young lady.

She's a stewardess

with Australian Airlines.

She says

she's free this evening.

Tell her

I've been grounded.

Sorry, Miss,

but Dr. Winston doesn't do

that sort of work anymore.

(THE TIME FOR LOVE IS ANYTIME

BY SARAH VAUGHAN PLAYING)

♪ The time for love

♪ Is anytime

♪ No matter what the season

♪ Or the year

♪ The day for love

♪ Is any day, there's just

♪ No telling when

it will appear

♪ But when your heart is ready

you will find

♪ That spring is really

just a state of mind

♪ Some flowers blossom late

but they're the kind

♪ That last the longest

♪ Someday someone

will walk into a room

♪ And in no time at all

will be in bloom

♪ And that's

the timeless wonder

♪ Of the time for love