C.B. Hustlers (1976) - full transcript

Truckdrivers help each other avoid the police by creating roadblocks by communicating on their CB radios.

- That's a 10-four.

(upbeat funk music)

Yeah, it wouldn't surprise

me if he passed me

when we started up the

same hill up there.

- I'm telling, I

had to get here.

But you when you get up there,

give me a whistle, all right?

(static hissing)

- Standby, breaker breaker.

- Yeah, head on out.

Stay on till you get

to the southbound lane.

Go around there.

(static hissing)

- One more time.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- Your mic's coming

in pretty clear.

- Too close or too far away.

- Pretty good.

- Jump up on down.

Probably the guy

that called the cows-

- Ah, this is Honey

Bun, I need a copy of-

(static hissing)

- Roger, Honey Bun,

we got Moonshine here.

- 10-four.

We are wondering about

Ferris state in 51st highway.

- Your team is far back

as I retain, Honey Bun.

Looks like you can

drop that hammer.

- Thank you , Moonshine.

We will leave in

the morning here.

- You got a big

10-42, Honey Bun,

catch you on the flip flop.

- Scuzz.

- Uh-uh.

- Moonshine sounds

like he's gotten tired.

Think we can get

his heart started?

- Uh-uh.

Hey, what's the five

letter word for currency?

- Money, which Moonshine has

but we are going to get it.

Let's call Hotbox Two,

and tell the girls

to comb it out

and put some smell upon it.

- Hotbox Two, this

is Hotbox One.

This is Scuzz calling.

Listen uh, got a

wheeler coming your way,

so, uh, clear up that track,

because he is gonna lay

right through that tunnel.

- Can we go?

(upbeat funk music)

- Okay girls, let's go to work.

- Get 'em in here.

- Oh, my God, truckers!

- Moonshine, it's Dancer

in Hotbox One, do you copy?

- Loud and clear, Dancer,

what's building now?

- Got some CB honeys,

dropped the ramper about a

mile and half up the road.

Ready to work.

- Sounds far out.

- Got Lemon, skin

tight and pure.

- Sounds real good to me.

(funky music)

- The one selling senior,

got a juicy watermelon.

- Juicy, oh!

I let her run down the juice.

- I also got some

brand new prune,

that's dying inside.

- Well, old buddy,

I'm partially pruned to support.

I need to get cleaned out.

- How man greens to you?

- 25 oughta cover it.

- Okay, Dancer, 10-4.

Good talking to you.

- Good talking to you to buddy.

- Better tell Sophie

to get it together.

- Hotbox Two, this

is Hotbox One again.

Sophie, this is Scuzz,

better get it together.

Clean it up now.

You got two more visits

heading your way.

(funky music)

♪ CB honeys on Hill run

♪ Ever on the side Of the road

♪ Hammering down

no smokies around ♪

♪ And he's gonna

handle all of you ♪

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ Waiting for you

♪ 18 wheels are burnin'

♪ The blue bruises

are hard on my day ♪

♪ This Jimmy's tough

but that ain't enough ♪

♪ Benny's up ahead on the rail

♪ Hotbox One, I'm callin'

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ Baby, back to you

♪ Baby, I have been

driving too long ♪

♪ Annie, I want you to

sing my favorite song ♪

♪ Annie, will you miss

me when I'm gone ♪

♪ 10-4, these dudes are coming

♪ They got these

rather ready for you ♪

♪ Follow me, dude

keep on after two ♪

♪ I'm gonna introduce

Annie to you ♪

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ I'm layin' track to you

♪ Annie, I've been

driving for too long ♪

♪ Annie, I want you to

sing my favorite song ♪

♪ Annie, will you miss

me when I'm gone ♪

♪ You can truck to Houston

♪ And Wennie and Tennessee

♪ The smokeys will hound you,

the big rigs surround you ♪

♪ Annie's there waiting for me

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ I'm layin' track to you

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

- Hi, can I check

your dip stick?

- No, we're silky.

- I come with the van, you know.

- Thank you anyway, sweetheart.

Hey, woman.

- Hey, Moonshine!

(laughs)

- Good to see you.

- Been a long time

since I've seen you.

- Sure as hell have.

Too damn long.

- Thought maybe you found

something on the road.

- Nah, hell I did though

in Georgia for a while,

I left it down,

side of the road.

- How long has it

been, Moonshine?

- It's been too damn long.

(chuckling)

Why don't me and you just

get down to business?

- Well.

Whoa, wait a minute.

A little pay before you play.

- Gotta hand it to you, Silky.

Here you go, 30 bucks.

Cool, let's fire it up here.

Save, you could say.

- Uh-uh.

- Okay, prune,

wanna see you uh

clean out my system.

- Hey, what's a seven-letter

word for recurring?

- Could you stop nagging

me with that shit.

- Nagging!

Hey, that's great!

- Oh, damn it!

For a woman with your smarts

to get hung about that 10

down, five across crap.

- Honey, do you know how many,

it is estimated at least a-

- Cut, right there.

I don't want you to

do that puzzle shit

when I'm around, then you

don't it, you understand?

- What's bugging you?

- That's bugging me.

I'm getting tired of this shit.

Just when we get things

together between the two of us,

you gotta go to work.

- Honey, that's

what I am here for.

- Yeah.

Well, maybe that'll change.

(slow country music)

♪ Am I just another

♪ One night loving

one night stand ♪

♪ Annie couldn't have

♪ Moving on the blinds

♪ I am here beside you

♪ I know inside

♪ You're just a child

♪ But I have lost

our favorite memory ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ When the moon is high

♪ And some other guy

♪ Will roll with you

♪ But until then

♪ Your heart belongs to mine

♪ And all other kisses

♪ Soft caresses

♪ We will share

♪ Still an hour from

now, you're leaving ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ Would you step in paradise

♪ For how long you can't tell

♪ We will spend this night

♪ In paradise

♪ The Paradise Motel

♪ Lying here beside you

♪ I know inside you

♪ You are just a child

♪ But our love

stops at any level ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ We just can tell

♪ It's paradise

♪ But how long you can't tell

♪ We will spend this night

♪ In paradise

♪ The Paradise Motel

♪ Then all other kisses

♪ Soft caresses

♪ We will share

♪ We will spend this

night in paradise ♪

♪ The Paradise Motel

(percussive music)

- Hey Hotbox,

Today I saw a smokey

on the front porch.

- Better put a sock on

your hand run high ballin'.

Smokey is coming.

(fast-paced music)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

- Just what the Sam

Hell kinda driving

do you call that back

there, young lady?

- I'm sorry, Officer,

my bra strap broke and

I almost lost control.

- Well, uh, I certainly see

why you would have

problems with that.

Whether, where are you from?

- Over there in the next county.

- Hm, yeah.

This, uh, here, your vehicle?

- Belongs in the family.

- Hm.

What you got in the bag?

- Just some old

baggage and camp gear.

- Oh, you do?

You mind if I have

a look in there.

- Yes, I do.

- Well,

(chuckling)

we have the search laws, right?

- Hmm.

- Well, tell you

there ain't no collar,

lucky for you this time I guess,

but I want you to know that

this here is a clean county.

Sheriff Ramsey here

aims to keep it

that way, all right?

- Yes, sir, we'll be good.

Bye, sir.

(phone ringing)

- Morning, Clarion Weekly.

Huh?

Yeah, we go to press

in about five hours.

Okay, bye now.

Hey, Mountain.

Or Mr. Dean.

Mountain Dean.

Oh, boy.

One of these days-

- No one will do it.

(static hissing)

- CB break,

east-bound 18-wheeler,

Smokey the Bear coming

a mile behind it.

- What the hell is

Smokey the Bear?

- Cops!

Don't you ever

listen to that thing?

- I don't know what

that thing is though.

- Two, this is Hotbox One,

do you read?

(static hissing)

- Honey,

tell her to get

her act together.

- Hotbox Two, that's

you, Double Dee?

Give me two words

that mean shut up.

- That's enough.

- Right.

(static hissing)

- Prune might have to

take on excess baggage.

The county mounty-

- What the hell is a prune?

- Something to clean you out.

(static hissing)

(guitar music)

(birds chirping)

- Damn.

Damn Smokey!

By the time we find

a good location

and set up shop,

those four-wheelers

come rolling by

and bust it up.

- Ah, that goes

with the territory.

- Well, I don't

mind telling you,

I'm getting a little sick

and tired of the road life.

- What are you talking about?

I think road life

has been great to us.

Where else could you got

out and travel the country,

and make the money we make.

We own all these

vans, clean and clear.

We don't even pay no taxes.

- Yeah, well, I'll tell you.

If someone were to make

me an offer right now,

the vans, the

girls, the CB units,

2500 a week, I'd chuck it all.

- And me?

- I couldn't leave you, honey.

You're my right arm.

- But what would we do, then?

- Well, I don't know.

Buy a farm, maybe.

Settle down.

Just be folks.

(percussive music)

(men shouting)

(all chattering)

(man laughing)

(all chattering)

(laughing)

(all chattering)

(laughing)

(all cheering)

- I love you.

- God, I hope he's not driving.

(upbeat funk music)

- I don't get 'em, think

they got me fooled.

Well, they gotta

get up a lot earlier

to fool Sheriff Elrod P. Ramsey.

Yes, sir, that smarty hotshots

had better watch it.

All that hanky-panky

beer drinking,

that is someone smoking

that funny boy stuff.

Namby-pamby lawlessness.

What I'm gonna get is evidence.

Then I'll ride them

out of my county, yeah!

And I got just

the way to get it.

Super undercover disguise

is the way to bust

up those gangs.

Join 'em and ram 'em.

(laughing)

They won't even

know what hit 'em,

(funky music)

- Haven't met anybody like

you in my entire life.

(laughing)

(all yelling)

- Who was that twerp?

- A guy.

- I know it's a

guy, but who was he?

- Oh, just someone

I used to hang with.

- You went with that gas junkie.

- He happens to be a super guy.

- I bet.

How the mighty have fallen.

- You can say that again.

(all chattering)

(all chattering)

(laughing)

(man cheering)

- Whoo!

(all chattering)

- Well, looks like everybody

is having a good time.

- Damn!

Wish I thought to

bring my camera.

- Listen, flash!

This rally is going to

be here for three days.

You can take a picture anytime.

We are frying bigger fish today.

Now go out and mingle

with the people.

- But I don't wanna mingle.

- Mingle or I'll mangle.

(funky music)

(all chattering)

(laughing)

(all chattering)

- Looks better upside down.

(all laughing)

(all chattering)

- Hi, mister.

- Well, hello

there, little lady.

Quite a sight, huh?

(man hoots)

- What you doing, Mr. Boots?

- Well, taking them notes, get-

(man yelling)

We are doing an

article on CB vans.

- Would you like to see the

inside of a real moving van

with a great receiver?

- I don't know.

- Oh, come on, Mr. Boots.

- Okay.

Lead on, little lady.

(upbeat funk music)

- Well, now Mr. Turner.

How long have you

had this CB business?

- Well, I had this

particular rig,

two years now.

- Oh!

You have always owned vans then?

- Oh, no, we've had pick ups,

stretch outs, buses,

anything that holds

more than two people.

We got a big family, you know.

- Very interesting.

And you give your rigs names?

- Of course.

- What do you call this van?

- Oh, hot-

- Hot- Hotel.

- Why is that?

- Oh, because we've got girls

checking in and

out all the time.

(all laughing)

- Really?

(all chattering)

- This looks like a van,

another van that

I've seen lately.

- They all kinda look alike

This is mighty nice

of you, young lady.

- Well, you might have a chance

to talk to her again.

(chuckles)

You are kinda cute

for a good man.

- And you have a CB, of course?

- Of course.

- What's your handle?

- My what?

- Your CB code name.

- Uh, uh, darling.

- That figures.

- That's very interesting.

- Hey, mister, how come

you ain't taking no notes?

(man laughing)

- I have a photogenic memory.

- Are you good all over?

- I'm wearing leather boots.

- You want to go now?

Well tell me something.

Are you married?

- Uh-uh.

- Well, folks,

I think I have got

enough information

for a first class feature.

And I want to thank you

for your first

class co-operation.

- We wanna thank you, Mr. Dean.

We hope we gave you

everything you wanted.

- (chuckles) To be sure.

To be sure.

Well, see ya in

the funny papers.

- You sure got a mighty

powerful chest, Boots.

- I used to milk cows

when I was a boy.

- Your ears are so

cute, they taste salty.

- I used to shovel manure.

- What's more exciting

than my company?

- Boots!

If you don't come out here,

I'm gonna leave without you.

- Sir, excuse me,

have you seen Boots?

Oh, you can't miss him.

Come on, he's so high,

about so wide,

and his eyes have a

totally blank look in 'em.

(all chattering)

- Boots!

- Boots, now push.

(grunting)

- Sure would like to

do some turn around.

- Oh!

I'm sorry, Rocky, they are

all down junking today,

stick it in your ear.

Come on, Boots, all

together now, push!

(both grunting)

- Ah!

Damn I think I just

seen me a tongue.

- When is the last time

you laid some track, big boy?

- Oh, it's been a long time.

(chuckling)

- Whoa, wait a minute, hotshot.

Got 25 bucks?

- Uh-uh.

- Hand it over.

- What's $25 for?

- Total charge.

(both laughing)

(all chattering)

- Keep the pace, baby.

High and feeble.

Make love, not war.

- They are so dumb.

I'm a new person, they

think I'm one of them.

As easy as taking

candy from a baby.

(funky music)

- Hey, the same van I stopped.

Wonder what they are doing here.

Probably more hanky-panky.

Well, I'll put a stop to that.

(funky music)

- Day off, Sheriff?

- Boots?

- Hm.

- Make love to me.

- Hmm, show your nipples.

(moaning)

(static hissing)

- Dancer, this is

Moonshine, do you copy?

- Hi, Moonshine,

how is it hanging?

- It's trouble, old buddy.

It ain't hanging, it's draining.

Me and Black Eagle

were looking for a pop.

Silky gives us weird vibe.

- Can't tell he was

was Van Johnson or-

- I'm here at the rally, boys.

I'll check it out, anyways.

- Dancer's voice.

But that's Turner!

Where the hell is Boots?

(laughing)

- Ooh, wow!

- Why you dirty old man,

you should be

ashamed of yourself!

Shame, shame, shame.

- Oh, my God.

- Hi, mom.

- Oh, no, Miss Turner,

I didn't realize it

was your daughter.

I swear I didn't.

- I bet.

- No, honestly, she,

she looked so different.

She was all grown.

She had, and everything.

- Well, she is quite

developed for a 16 year old,

ain't you, darling?

- Yes, mommy.

He gave me $25 too.

- Mr. Clayborn,

sir, will you please

put your clothes on

in front of my child.

- Yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.

And I want you to

step outside here.

I don't wanna dirty this van

with the likes of you.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Mr. Clayborn,

sir, are you aware

what the charges

are in this state

for statutory rape?

- Statue, what ma'am?

- Laying a

teenybopper, you twit.

It's 30 years, hard time.

- I didn't know she was a child,

I swear I didn't.

- God bless you,

you have deflowered my child.

- If I could take

it back, ma'am,

I would.

- Oh, no, what's

important here is,

to save my child's

honor and reputation.

Wouldn't you agree, sir?

- Oh, yes, ma'am.

- Oh, good, then

I'm glad we agreed.

This is exactly what we do.

Mr. Clayborn,

I'll drop all those

charges against you.

In return, you must promise

never to mention this

incident to anyone.

Is that clear?

- Oh, no ma'am,

I swear I won't breathe

a word to a living soul.

- Not to Mr. Dean,

or to Mrs. Saggins or anybody,

or else you'll be a goner!

- And I have $25 to prove it.

- No, may I be dipped

in born and mule fat

if I whisper a word.

Can I go now?

- Mr. Clayborn, if I were you,

I'd go straight to church

and pray for my salvation.

- Yes, ma'am, I will,

I will right away.

- Was she any good?

- Ma'am?

- Goodbye, Mr. Clayborn.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Bye!

Come back, you here?

(static hissing)

- Dancer, this is

Hogbreath, do you copy?

- Yeah, Hogbreath,

this is Dancer.

What's up?

- Couple of us old boys

are heading your way.

Wanted to lay some tracks.

The way I heard it,

is your Annies have taken

over them four wheelers

and leave the 18 wheelers

with their dipsticks

in their hands.

- (laughing) I know

the problem, man.

- Yeah, go take care

of them right away.

I thought your Annies

were our private stock.

- They are, Hogbreath.

They've been on

knocking on some of that

amateur stuff while they

are here at the rally.

I'll take care of it.

Don't you worry.

Harry is in the all new,

Franco Matania career.

- Solid, old buddy.

See you soon.

- Hotbox Two,

this is Dancer, do you copy?

(static hissing)

Hotbox Two, this is

Dancer, do you copy?

(static hissing)

Where are those skanky things?

- Hello, Clyde?

Is Boots over there?

No, we got separated

at that van rally,

and I thought maybe he

might have come back

into town for a bite to eat.

Okay, if he comes in,

have him call me, will ya?

Thanks.

(light acoustic guitar music)

♪ Where you going

♪ Where you been

♪ Where's tomorrow

♪ Where's the end

♪ If the stars in

heaven disappeared ♪

♪ And the rain

clouds hid the moon ♪

♪ Would you have me

♪ When the seasons change

♪ The snow is falling

♪ The earth is

colder and hotter ♪

♪ Will you love me

♪ Where you going

♪ Where you been

- White House sources indicate

that more and more,

the President is leaning

on the strong shoulder

of this phenomenal

grass-roots unit.

Dean has become the guiding hand

that wields an

incorruptible path.

- You know Boots,

it's a shame you never

paid any attention

to that squawk box.

You might have

learned something.

But all that ever seems

to interest you is

who attended the

last church social,

or to remind our readers

that their dogs have

to be relicensed.

You listen to that

trucker CB talk,

you might pick up

on a hot news item.

- Oh, come off it, Mountain,

you had your ear to that box

for five years now.

And all they ever told you was

lettuce was going

75 cents a bushel.

- Hm, I made us some

money, didn't I?

Off that brand new linotype.

So what the hell are

you bitching about?

- I ain't bitching,

but don't sit there

playing Dick Tracy,

and tell me that CB radio

is gonna give us the

story of the year.

- That's the difference.

That is the difference

between you and me.

It is the difference

between dog licenses

and detente.

It is the difference between

church socials and Watergate.

It is the difference

between talking

to Eric Sevareid

and Boots Clayborn.

It is the difference

between little and big.

It is the difference

between the local PTA's

annual journalism award,

and the Pulitzer prize.

It is the difference

between night and day.

Between black and white.

Between...

What the hell is the use?

- Can I have another one

of your Goobers please?

- Oh, you want peanut.

There is the peanut.

Take the peanut.

Oh, God, the word dumb

takes on a new meaning!

To be trapped in

this one horse town,

with a bunch of meat, oh God.

- Dear Ma'am.

No, that doesn't sound good.

- This is Hogbreath,

just passed your rig.

Looking for a huge watermelon,

got a load I wanna drop, over.

- Morning Hogbreath,

this is Scuzz,

You know Sunday,

it's down the road,

and Lemon will be ready

to unload, do you copy?

I gotta write to my mother.

(phone ringing)

- Clarion Weekly,

Boots Clayborn.

Oh, hi, Miss

Saggins, how are you?

Yeah, how is Wilbur?

Fine, fine.

Oh, yeah, just a minute.

Okay.

Last night?

Yeah, how much did she weigh?

22 pounds!

Oh, ah, that much

Okay, oh, yes ma'am, yes ma'am.

I getting it all down.

You can read about

in paper next week.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, yeah.

Tell Wilbur, hello for me.

Fine day to you

too, Miss Saggins.

Bye now.

- Stop the presses.

Copy point, re-write.

Rewrite!

I just got a hot flash.

I want this in three inch

type with red banner.

Okay, here goes.

Mrs. Wilbur J. Suggins'

pet cow Bula

just dropped a calf.

The new arrival weighed

in at 22 pounds.

Both mother and

daughter are doing fine.

Signed, 30!

- How did you know that?

- Oh, command is a lonely-

- Got a buyer on the way,

so polish up those lemons.

- What's a lemon?

- Just watch my action, silky.

I'm gonna rape old

Hogbreath in record time.

I'm gonna cook his ass.

- Hi, Dee Dee, honey.

Your boy has missed ya.

- How much of that panda piss

have you had all, old buddy?

- Oh, just a nip

and a tuck, darling.

- I don't like

taking on no drunks.

- Yeah, they take too long.

- Wait, but I can handle him.

- I can handle my own action.

- I'm gonna improve

on my record.

- He's all yours, Dee Dee.

- Come on you,

let's get cracking.

- Oh!

What a beautiful day!

Just took me a nice long

walk, cleared my head.

Ah, that sun sure feels good.

- Change your mind

about retiring?

- Nope.

Still think it's a good idea.

You ought to get some thought

about putting down

some roots somewhere.

You ain't getting any younger.

- Oh hell, we got miles to

go before we call it quits.

- I ain't talking

about calling it quits.

Just getting tired

of dodging the law,

pissing on the run and

eating out of cans.

Damn, woman,

when was the last time

we slept in a decent bed?

Or had us a steak dinner?

- I can't recall.

- That's what I mean.

- Wait, my hair.

Take my pants off.

Sorry.

- I've I'd known you

looked this good,

I'd have been here sooner.

- See.

- When you're done, I'll go.

Oh!

- You ready?

- Oh, I'm ready, honey.

I'm on, I'm ready.

- Okay.

(moaning)

(upbeat funk music)

- You hungry?

- A little.

You?

- Oh God, I'm starving.

- Huh?

You ate the whole

pound of those peanuts.

How could you be hungry?

- I quit smoking last month.

- And you gained 30 pounds too.

- Oh, come on, I'm starving.

Let's go over to Clyde's Steaks.

- All right.

- Hotbox One, this

is Hotbox Two.

What' the hell's

going on over there?

- Dancer-

- Come on, let's go.

(shushing)

- Seems our lemon's dried out.

- What the hell do you

suppose they meant by that?

- I don't know.

Bit I'm hungry.

Come on, there ain't

nothing happening here.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Listen to this.

Something is going on out there

that just doesn't sit right.

Here.

Now, that Dancer, Lemon,

razzle, dazzle,

that's not just truckers' talk.

Now, they usually talk about

the cops,

and the kind of freight

they are hauling.

- So these guys

are hauling fruits.

- Boots, Boots, my God!

When is the last

time you saw a woman

driving a diesel rig?

- That was a woman's

voice wasn't it?

- Oh, bless you, Jesus!

Bless you.

- Okay.

Who's next?

- I told Clyde no mustard.

- You eat mustard

on everything else.

- Not with steak sandwiches.

- I'm not quite so

sure it's steak.

Tastes more like

Clyde's boot sole.

- At least the mustard is good.

- West-bound 18 wheeler,

East-bound Black Eagle.

This is Hogbreath.

Do you copy?

- Yeah, yeah, clear, it's

good to hear your voice.

- I just brown bottled up.

One hand in the chicken coop.

I'm ready for some

tunnel action.

- Tunnel!

But there are no tunnels in

this part of the country?

- About two miles past

Johnson's gas station.

You'll see a sweet

chocolate van.

Got some real fine Annies there.

Ask for the one that

can wink you off.

- Okay now, no one's

taking the answer.

Just what was that all about?

- Quite simple, really,

"brown bottle", means

he is having a beer.

"One hand in the chicken coop",

means that the fellows

at the way station

gave him some trouble.

That "Annie and tunnel"

double talk, that,

that's still a mystery to me.

- You gonna finish

that sandwich?

- Damn right, I'm

gonna finish it.

Boots, I'm telling there is

something going on out there

that just isn't on the

straight and narrow.

- What do you mean?

- I think we better

go over to Johnson's

and have a little looksie.

- I think the part of

the story comes in here.

- I think we're on a story.

Yes, sir.

This CB set is gonna

lead us to the spot

where man and destiny collide.

- How was Hogbreath?

- That dude was hung like a

(speaking foreign language).

- Good evening,

ladies and gentleman,

this is Walter Cronkite.

Tonight, our profile of

the internationally famous,

Pulitzer Prize winning,

White House corespondent,

JR Mountain Dean.

A mountain of man.

A mountain of power.

(funky music)

- Ah, business as usual

down Johnson's there.

- Shall we turn back?

- Hell no!

We are on a story.

- Could it be that Mountain Dean

will chalk up

another broken heart?

We recall, last month,

when Dean spurned the

proposal of marriage

from TV's rock singing

star, Claire Brown.

She decided to quit everything

and become a nun.

When asked about this

latest development,

Dean's only reply was-

- Not a chance, fellas.

Those jet-set dollies

are nothing but

playthings to me.

- Huh?

- Nothing.

- C, four-letter word for

drops would be, glide?

- Hey, look there,

isn't she something?

- Yeah, she got

a CB antenna too.

Let's take a gander.

- Honey!

Honey!

- What?

- There's two men

snooping around the van.

What are they snooping for?

They sure don't look right.

- Yeah, you're right.

Sure do.

- What are we going to do?

- Well, my daddy always said,

"The best defense

is an offense."

- Yeah, just don't

get too offensive.

- Afternoon, gentlemen,

what can I do for you?

- Good afternoon, mister.

- Afternoon, lovely

afternoon ain't it?

- Sure is.

- My name is Mountain Dean.

And this is Boots Clayborn.

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- We are from the

Clarion Weekly.

- Oh, well,

ain't that nice!

- Mighty fine looking

rig you got here.

- Yeah, well,

would you boys

like to step inside

and have a coke or something?

- My pleasure, mister.

- Be my guest.

Make yourself at home,

a little cramped.

- Aww!

- Hey, honey!

Come on in, we got visitors.

- Laura Mae Turner,

this is the little lady.

And I'm Billy Bob Turner.

This is Boots Clayborn.

- It's real honor, ma'am.

- Mountain Dean,

ma'am, likewise.

- These are gentleman

from the newspaper, honey.

- Oh, how interesting.

- Well, what can

we do for you boys?

- Well, Mr. Turner,

our newspaper

the Clarion Weekly,

you've heard of it, haven't you?

- Oh, I read them everyday.

- Well, we are doing a

big article on CB radio,

and your van being

so original and all

and you having an outfit why,

we thought we might

do a feature on it.

And you,

with your permission, of course.

(chuckling)

Right, Boots?

- Oh, yeah.

- That would be just so lovely.

- Well,

there ain't special

about Laura Sue or me,

or the CB or the vans.

We are just simple people

doing our thing, right, honey?

- Oh why, Billy darling,

I think you're being

far too modest.

Why don't you tell

these nice gentleman

about our CB sales company?

- Oh, yeah!

Well, you see, gentleman,

this is like our warehouse.

We go around selling

the CB units,

right out of the van,

person to person.

Saves us overhead.

- Oh, that's very interesting.

How are your prices?

- Oh!

Right on.

You see, this is something

we can really get

our teeth into.

Listen, could we

continue this interview

when we have more

time to spend on it?

- Why, sure.

- Good.

- Well, I must say,

this is one of the

most incredible vans

that I have ever seen.

It really is.

- Well, it's not the much.

- Also, the color

schemes you have in here.

- Oh, these here are my uh

daughters and my sales ladies.

This is Diane.

- Nice to meet you.

- This is Sally.

- Much obliged.

- And this our

youngest, Deborah.

- Nice to meet you.

- Listen, you think it over

and we'll catch up to you.

Are you going to

the big CB van rally

over in Deerfield?

- Yeah, that's what

we're here for.

- Okay, we will

see you there, bye.

- Bye!

- Bye.

- So you think those

two guys are for real?

- I think they were news hogs.

But I don't think

they were after a

story about CB units.

- Yeah, but they wouldn't

know what we are up to

unless one of our

men let it spill.

- Our boys would just be

killing their own action.

And they like to keep it

in their trucking family.

- Hmm.

Well, I think just to be cool,

we'll go to that rally.

- Yeah, why don't we do it,

and pick up some side money.

- Good idea.

- Yeah.

- Back there isn't straight.

- That Laura June

sure was pretty.

Pretty litter of kids.

- Where do they get their money?

- They look just like her.

- I'll bet my half of

the Clarion Weekly,

they ain't her kids.

And I'll bet your half

of the Clarion Weekly,

that he ain't her husband.

- By damn!

I bet you're right.

Ah, something fishy

is going on out there.

He's blackmailing her.

- Ah, she's in on it with him.

- Them aint their kids?

- What the hell are they up to?

- Can't be, she's too young

for offspring that old.

- Well, I don't know

they looked more than 15.

- Laura June ain't

much more than that.

- You suppose they are

just living together?

- Are you throwing

off on Laura June?

- No, no.

But something is

going on out there.

And she is in on it with him.

- In on what?

Laura June is a

virgin of a woman,

if I ever saw one.

- (laughs) Are you crazy?

- No, I just know.

Now, them ain't her kids,

and I'll bet you they ain't,

and he ain't her husband.

She'd never marry

something like that.

It just stands to

reason that she is pure.

- As the driven snow!

I'm still gonna keep

my eyes on them,

because there's a story in this.

- You ain't gonna do

nothing to Laura June!

Not without your permission.

- Hey!

Mama has got everything

under control.

- Where the hell you girls been?

CB units been burning up

with all kinds of action,

and you are out there

hustling that amateur trade.

- Oh, relax darling.

We've been taking care of this.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, seems old Silky

got a hold of that

news hog, Boots,

and when I caught him,

he had his long stroke showing.

(laughing)

- You're kidding.

Chalk one up for our side.

- Those numb nuts must

have been listening in

on our CB.

They got suspicious

and they thought

they'd expose us,

if you'll excuse the expression.

- Scuzz catches him

blowing a minor,

tells him the consequences

and baby and daddy

are home free.

- Oh, I'll be damned.

And here I was

plotting my next move,

getting mad at you girls.

And all the while, you are out,

saving the settlers

and the Indians.

- Well, Silky saved the day.

I'll tell you when she got

through with old Boots,

he didn't know his

ass from his elbow.

- And a big drink to old Silky.

- Hollywood's Robert Redford,

the most dashing actor

on the screen today,

has just been found by

Omnipotence Production,

to play the most sought

after masculine role

in film history.

"The Life and Loves

of Mountain Dean."

Screenland experts don't

believe that Redford,

is macho enough for the part.

But he does bear a

remarkable resemblance

to the legendary Dean.

(static hissing)

- Hello, Meredith,

Boots around there?

Talking?

Your husband.

I don't know why he should

be coming around there,

looking for me I suppose.

Yeah, well,

I love you too, dear.

Yeah, I'll be home for supper.

Yeah, bye.

Where the hell have you been?

Boots, I think I

know what's going on.

Now, Turner told me

that his CB call name was Hotel.

But he lied.

- You ever stop and think

that you might be

boring to some folks.

Maybe Mr. Turner didn't want

you calling and bugging him.

- He is called Dancer.

- Hogbreath to

Dancer, do you copy?

- Get away from there.

Get your hands off of that!

What's the matter with you?

- Copy, copy.

- Me and Eagle and Moonshine

are nearing your cab

and ready to boogie.

- Sorry, old buddy,

no boogieing tonight.

A little victory celebration.

If you boys lay over,

we can pick you up tomorrow.

- Sounds fair enough.

- Over and out for the night.

- Tell that Lemon,

that I want it fresh.

- See, Boots?

Those guys keep

asking for fruits.

But there are no fruits

on that Turner van.

- I don't want to hear it.

- That Turner,

alias Dancer, he is the leader.

And those daughters of his,

and if they are his daughters,

are no more than a

bunch of little whores.

- Now wait, wait a

minute, Mountain.

Them girls are all

too young to be

whoring and they

seemed awful nice.

- I'm going out there tomorrow

and kick the frosting

off his cake.

- You might be getting

into mighty trouble

if you go out there, you know.

We don't wanna get

nobody in trouble, do we?

- You gonna be

playing with fire.

Fire!

Hell!

You and I are gonna make those

big Watergate newsmen look like

a bunch of cub reporters.

- You gonna go out there and

get us in over your head.

- I want you out there

first thing in the

morning, Boots.

And bring your camera,

we're gonna catch those

bastards in the act.

Something else, I

better bring along.

This is big apples.

Which one is the

mightier, Boots?

We'll find out tomorrow.

- Yeah, I think it's about

time we put old Boots on.

Hi, Bootsie!

- Who is that?

- Are you there, Bootsie?

- Who is that?

- It's just little old me.

Silky!

- Oh!

Hello, little lady.

- Are you alone?

- Yeah, Mountain has gone home.

- Are you sorry for

what you did today?

- I'm truly sorry.

- Did you go to church

like my mama told you to?

- I was just fixing to.

As your mama said,

I was just going.

- Well, you better.

- Oh, yes.

- Reflect in church

by yourself tomorrow?

- I'm afraid so.

- You make sure it doesn't

tumble down to anything

Or my mommy will spank you.

- Now, he already

thinks that your daddy

is running a whorehouse.

Ah, excuse me, ma'am.

- That's okay, I have heard

the expression before.

- I told him it weren't true.

It ain't, is it?

- Why, of course not.

- Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'm not sure that

he believed me.

- You make sure

nothing screws up.

You hear?

- I hear ya!

Now Mountain can be

often stubborn sometimes.

- Well, you just

make sure you don't.

See you, good night.

- I guess.

(all cheering and applauding)

- Well, my darlings,

that was an Academy

Award performance.

- You know, it might

sound unbelievable

but I really believe that

she likes the old bear.

- You're kidding.

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, come on, Dee.

You're a baddie.

If woman didn't have a pussy,

she wouldn't have a

friend in the world.

- Ah, our leader.

If we didn't have pussies,

you would have to go

to work for a living.

- That's what you think,

I got a big surprise for you.

I got 15 grand

stashed in a sock.

Little cushion,

so we can dump this

rollin' whorehouse

and just be folks.

- You sly old fox.

- The way I figured is,

we give the gals

three grand apiece,

and Hotbox Two if they want it.

You and I start a new life.

Clean.

What do you say?

- You're really serious?

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, it sounds mighty

tempting, darling.

- What do you think, girls?

- Whatever you say, Dancer.

- But who will take

care of the girls?

- We can handle it ourselves,

and besides it might be fun.

- Sure.

- Don't worry,

I'll come up with something.

Why don't we sleep on it

And we'll catch

it tomorrow, huh?

- Excellent idea.

Night, night.

- Night.

- Night.

- Where the hell have you been?

Didn't I tell you to be out

here, first thing this morning?

- I been to church.

- Church?

You haven't been to

church for 20 years!

- I just felt like going.

- Where is your camera?

Didn't I tell you to

bring your camera?

- Yeah.

- Well, where the hell is this?

- I left it at home.

Them Instamatics

ain't no good anyway.

- Damn!

I wanted a photo finish.

- Didn't I see you stop,

talk to those boys,

back down there?

- Yeah, mm-hm.

And I got my information.

- About what?

- Boots, you're getting dense.

Don't you remember what

we're doing out here

in the first place?

Those Turners, if

they are Turners,

are running a

traveling cat house.

- Let's go get a beer.

Come on, I'll buy.

- The hell you say.

Those girls are

charging $25 a hay roll.

- What?

You don't think that $25

might be something

for tax, do you?

- Tax!

Tax on what?

Listen, as far as I know

beaver isn't an

endangered species.

That's play money!

- You absolutely sure?

- Boots, have you been in

Clyde's home brew again?

I tell you, the stuff has

got you talking to yourself.

- I'll see you later.

- You come back here,

we've got work to do.

Never mind.

I'll do it myself.

There's a Pulitzer

Prize in this one.

I can smell it.

Ha!

Hi, Sheriff.

How is crime and violence?

Listen, you will

have to excuse me.

I'm on a hot news tip.

- Well, don't get too far away.

'cause I'm about to get

myself some stripes.

And I want the very

best news coverage

that I can possibly have.

So the people down at the county

know exactly what kind

of a job I have done.

- Oh, what are you

on to, Sheriff?

- Well,

(chuckling)

I'll tell you just so you know

exactly where to be.

But you know there is a couple

of very fancy vans around here,

and they ain't exactly

what they like people

to think they are.

- I sure hope you have

a good case, Sheriff.

I don't like to

print fairy tales.

- Well, you ain't gonna have to

'cause I got warrants

and everything.

- Hey, Sheriff,

there has been a bad accident

down the road, you

better call an ambulance.

- (sighs) Damn it, Mountain.

Stand by, I'll be right back.

- Now, look-a here, miss.

I know what you have been up to.

You fooled me with

the virgin bit.

But no more.

No more, you are a grown woman.

- I sure am.

You're so masterful

when you're mad.

One kiss from your cruel lips.

Come here, you great big lug.

(knocking on door)

- Good morning, Dancer.

- Well, it took you long

enough to figure it out.

Come on in.

- I smelled you out,

right from the start.

Who do you think

you were fooling

with that tunneling and

lemon and prune routine?

You know, you have to get up

pretty early in the morning

to fool old Mountain Dean.

Oh, yeah!

I even talked to some

of your customers,

they spelled out

the whole thing.

- What are you

gonna do about it?

- I'm gonna bust

this thing wide open.

- What's your partner

gonna think about it?

- Whoa!

You might have had him fooled

with that

virgin-stirgin routine,

but I'll set him straight.

You and your rolling cat house,

have thrown me the

last hump, Mr. Smarty.

- What makes you think so?

- Because when my story breaks,

there isn't a trucker alive

that would touch you

with 10-foot tire iron.

- Let me ask you something?

- Shoot.

- How much do you

and your partner

make a week on the

newspaper business?

- Roughly, 55 to $60 a week,

after expenses.

- That much, huh?

How would you and

Boots like to own

this rolling cat house?

- What?

- With you two boys

running the operation,

you will get a better clientele.

You'd lend and air

of respectability.

And you will get a little

side action for yourself.

- I wouldn't dream

of such a thing.

- 2500 tax free dollars a week

could buy a lot of drinks.

- $2500?

That's what you

take in in a week?

- On a bad week.

- But, where does

that leave you?

- Oh, I guess old Dancer

is trying to make an

honest woman of me.

- That's right, honey.

- $2500 a week, huh?

I don't know, oh!

Oh, but I do know that

the local county mounty

knows more about you than I do.

And he's got papers to prove it.

But if he gets to

you before I do,

I lose my scoop.

- Honey, I think the man has

just bought us some time.

- The noblest know him

as the public good.

Dean.

(engine revving)

- Hotbox Two, wrap

it this minute.

County mounty on

the way with iron.

I repeat, county mounty

on the way with iron.

- Cops are coming.

(funky music)

(all laughing)

(all cheering)

(cheering)

- Yeah.

(siren wailing)

(siren wailing)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

- Hey, did that Sheriff

come across the county line?

- No, darling, he sure didn't.

- Then why the hell

are we running?

- Mayday, mayday!

Attention, all you truckers.

Now, hear this.

I want you to listen up

and I want you to

listen up tight.

Yes, I mean you.

You double crunching

degenerates.

I just thought

you'd like to know,

that aren't laying any

track around here anymore.

Because the tunnel

has just caved in.

That's right!

There is no more

fruit around either.

No lemons,

no prunes,

no watermelons, no nothing,

not even a grape.

Because the entire crop

just died of a frost.

Oh, yes.

I broke up your

little playhouse,

and your Dancer,

and Prancer, and Donner

and Blitzen are gone!

Finito, fini, kaput.

Yes, I did it to ya.

And I did it single handedly.

In spite of a

corrupt news staff.

So Mr. Moonshine

and Mr. Hogbreath

and Hogwash,

and all you other

18-wheel tramps,

can just go and look elsewhere

for your little filthy

freeway frolics.

The game is over!

This town is clean.

And it's gonna stay that way,

you got it?

Oh, yes.

My name is JR

Mountain 'Scoop' Dean

of the Clarion

Weekly, a free man,

and a free press.

And if you want me,

well, you know where to find me.

- Well, now, Mr. Mountain Dean,

we'll see about that.

- This here is Big

Boots in Hotbox Two.

Now we are setting up,

brand new warehouse

just full of lemons and

prunes and watermelons.

It will be business as usual.

So Mr. Mountain Dean,

you can forget about being

the second coming

of Eric Severaid,

and yup!

Ain't nothing gonna

stop the CB Hustlers.

(funky music)