C.B. Hustlers (1976) - full transcript

Truckdrivers help each other avoid the police by creating roadblocks by communicating on their CB radios.

- That's a 10-four.

(upbeat funk music)

Yeah, it wouldn't surprise
me if he passed me

when we started up the
same hill up there.

- I'm telling, I
had to get here.

But you when you get up there,
give me a whistle, all right?

(static hissing)

- Standby, breaker breaker.

- Yeah, head on out.

Stay on till you get
to the southbound lane.

Go around there.

(static hissing)

- One more time.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- Your mic's coming
in pretty clear.

- Too close or too far away.

- Pretty good.

- Jump up on down.

Probably the guy
that called the cows-

- Ah, this is Honey
Bun, I need a copy of-

(static hissing)

- Roger, Honey Bun,
we got Moonshine here.

- 10-four.

We are wondering about
Ferris state in 51st highway.

- Your team is far back
as I retain, Honey Bun.

Looks like you can
drop that hammer.

- Thank you , Moonshine.

We will leave in
the morning here.

- You got a big
10-42, Honey Bun,

catch you on the flip flop.

- Scuzz.

- Uh-uh.

- Moonshine sounds
like he's gotten tired.

Think we can get
his heart started?

- Uh-uh.

Hey, what's the five
letter word for currency?

- Money, which Moonshine has
but we are going to get it.

Let's call Hotbox Two,

and tell the girls
to comb it out

and put some smell upon it.

- Hotbox Two, this
is Hotbox One.

This is Scuzz calling.

Listen uh, got a
wheeler coming your way,

so, uh, clear up that track,

because he is gonna lay
right through that tunnel.

- Can we go?

(upbeat funk music)

- Okay girls, let's go to work.

- Get 'em in here.

- Oh, my God, truckers!

- Moonshine, it's Dancer
in Hotbox One, do you copy?

- Loud and clear, Dancer,
what's building now?

- Got some CB honeys,

dropped the ramper about a
mile and half up the road.

Ready to work.

- Sounds far out.

- Got Lemon, skin
tight and pure.

- Sounds real good to me.

(funky music)

- The one selling senior,

got a juicy watermelon.

- Juicy, oh!

I let her run down the juice.

- I also got some
brand new prune,

that's dying inside.

- Well, old buddy,

I'm partially pruned to support.

I need to get cleaned out.

- How man greens to you?

- 25 oughta cover it.

- Okay, Dancer, 10-4.

Good talking to you.

- Good talking to you to buddy.

- Better tell Sophie
to get it together.

- Hotbox Two, this
is Hotbox One again.

Sophie, this is Scuzz,

better get it together.

Clean it up now.

You got two more visits
heading your way.

(funky music)

♪ CB honeys on Hill run

♪ Ever on the side Of the road

♪ Hammering down
no smokies around ♪

♪ And he's gonna
handle all of you ♪

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ Waiting for you

♪ 18 wheels are burnin'

♪ The blue bruises
are hard on my day ♪

♪ This Jimmy's tough
but that ain't enough ♪

♪ Benny's up ahead on the rail

♪ Hotbox One, I'm callin'

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ Baby, back to you

♪ Baby, I have been
driving too long ♪

♪ Annie, I want you to
sing my favorite song ♪

♪ Annie, will you miss
me when I'm gone ♪

♪ 10-4, these dudes are coming

♪ They got these
rather ready for you ♪

♪ Follow me, dude
keep on after two ♪

♪ I'm gonna introduce
Annie to you ♪

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ I'm layin' track to you

♪ Annie, I've been
driving for too long ♪

♪ Annie, I want you to
sing my favorite song ♪

♪ Annie, will you miss
me when I'm gone ♪

♪ You can truck to Houston

♪ And Wennie and Tennessee

♪ The smokeys will hound you,
the big rigs surround you ♪

♪ Annie's there waiting for me

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

♪ I'm layin' track to you

♪ Hotbox One, I'm calling

♪ Calling for a rendezvous

- Hi, can I check
your dip stick?

- No, we're silky.

- I come with the van, you know.

- Thank you anyway, sweetheart.

Hey, woman.

- Hey, Moonshine!


- Good to see you.

- Been a long time
since I've seen you.

- Sure as hell have.

Too damn long.

- Thought maybe you found
something on the road.

- Nah, hell I did though
in Georgia for a while,

I left it down,
side of the road.

- How long has it
been, Moonshine?

- It's been too damn long.


Why don't me and you just
get down to business?

- Well.

Whoa, wait a minute.

A little pay before you play.

- Gotta hand it to you, Silky.

Here you go, 30 bucks.

Cool, let's fire it up here.

Save, you could say.

- Uh-uh.

- Okay, prune,

wanna see you uh

clean out my system.

- Hey, what's a seven-letter
word for recurring?

- Could you stop nagging
me with that shit.

- Nagging!

Hey, that's great!

- Oh, damn it!

For a woman with your smarts

to get hung about that 10
down, five across crap.

- Honey, do you know how many,

it is estimated at least a-

- Cut, right there.

I don't want you to
do that puzzle shit

when I'm around, then you
don't it, you understand?

- What's bugging you?

- That's bugging me.

I'm getting tired of this shit.

Just when we get things

together between the two of us,

you gotta go to work.

- Honey, that's
what I am here for.

- Yeah.

Well, maybe that'll change.

(slow country music)

♪ Am I just another

♪ One night loving
one night stand ♪

♪ Annie couldn't have

♪ Moving on the blinds

♪ I am here beside you

♪ I know inside

♪ You're just a child

♪ But I have lost
our favorite memory ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ When the moon is high

♪ And some other guy

♪ Will roll with you

♪ But until then

♪ Your heart belongs to mine

♪ And all other kisses

♪ Soft caresses

♪ We will share

♪ Still an hour from
now, you're leaving ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ Would you step in paradise

♪ For how long you can't tell

♪ We will spend this night

♪ In paradise

♪ The Paradise Motel

♪ Lying here beside you

♪ I know inside you

♪ You are just a child

♪ But our love
stops at any level ♪

♪ Check out time

♪ We just can tell

♪ It's paradise

♪ But how long you can't tell

♪ We will spend this night

♪ In paradise

♪ The Paradise Motel

♪ Then all other kisses

♪ Soft caresses

♪ We will share

♪ We will spend this
night in paradise ♪

♪ The Paradise Motel

(percussive music)

- Hey Hotbox,

Today I saw a smokey
on the front porch.

- Better put a sock on
your hand run high ballin'.

Smokey is coming.

(fast-paced music)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

- Just what the Sam
Hell kinda driving

do you call that back
there, young lady?

- I'm sorry, Officer,

my bra strap broke and
I almost lost control.

- Well, uh, I certainly see

why you would have
problems with that.

Whether, where are you from?

- Over there in the next county.

- Hm, yeah.

This, uh, here, your vehicle?

- Belongs in the family.

- Hm.

What you got in the bag?

- Just some old
baggage and camp gear.

- Oh, you do?

You mind if I have
a look in there.

- Yes, I do.

- Well,


we have the search laws, right?

- Hmm.

- Well, tell you
there ain't no collar,

lucky for you this time I guess,

but I want you to know that

this here is a clean county.

Sheriff Ramsey here

aims to keep it
that way, all right?

- Yes, sir, we'll be good.

Bye, sir.

(phone ringing)

- Morning, Clarion Weekly.


Yeah, we go to press
in about five hours.

Okay, bye now.

Hey, Mountain.

Or Mr. Dean.

Mountain Dean.

Oh, boy.

One of these days-

- No one will do it.

(static hissing)

- CB break,
east-bound 18-wheeler,

Smokey the Bear coming
a mile behind it.

- What the hell is
Smokey the Bear?

- Cops!

Don't you ever
listen to that thing?

- I don't know what
that thing is though.

- Two, this is Hotbox One,

do you read?

(static hissing)

- Honey,

tell her to get
her act together.

- Hotbox Two, that's
you, Double Dee?

Give me two words
that mean shut up.

- That's enough.

- Right.

(static hissing)

- Prune might have to
take on excess baggage.

The county mounty-

- What the hell is a prune?

- Something to clean you out.

(static hissing)

(guitar music)
(birds chirping)

- Damn.

Damn Smokey!

By the time we find
a good location

and set up shop,

those four-wheelers
come rolling by

and bust it up.

- Ah, that goes
with the territory.

- Well, I don't
mind telling you,

I'm getting a little sick
and tired of the road life.

- What are you talking about?

I think road life
has been great to us.

Where else could you got
out and travel the country,

and make the money we make.

We own all these
vans, clean and clear.

We don't even pay no taxes.

- Yeah, well, I'll tell you.

If someone were to make
me an offer right now,

the vans, the
girls, the CB units,

2500 a week, I'd chuck it all.

- And me?

- I couldn't leave you, honey.

You're my right arm.

- But what would we do, then?

- Well, I don't know.

Buy a farm, maybe.

Settle down.

Just be folks.

(percussive music)

(men shouting)

(all chattering)

(man laughing)

(all chattering)

(all chattering)

(all cheering)

- I love you.

- God, I hope he's not driving.

(upbeat funk music)

- I don't get 'em, think
they got me fooled.

Well, they gotta
get up a lot earlier

to fool Sheriff Elrod P. Ramsey.

Yes, sir, that smarty hotshots

had better watch it.

All that hanky-panky
beer drinking,

that is someone smoking
that funny boy stuff.

Namby-pamby lawlessness.

What I'm gonna get is evidence.

Then I'll ride them
out of my county, yeah!

And I got just
the way to get it.

Super undercover disguise

is the way to bust
up those gangs.

Join 'em and ram 'em.


They won't even
know what hit 'em,

(funky music)

- Haven't met anybody like
you in my entire life.


(all yelling)

- Who was that twerp?

- A guy.

- I know it's a
guy, but who was he?

- Oh, just someone
I used to hang with.

- You went with that gas junkie.

- He happens to be a super guy.

- I bet.

How the mighty have fallen.

- You can say that again.

(all chattering)

(all chattering)


(man cheering)

- Whoo!

(all chattering)

- Well, looks like everybody
is having a good time.

- Damn!

Wish I thought to
bring my camera.

- Listen, flash!

This rally is going to
be here for three days.

You can take a picture anytime.

We are frying bigger fish today.

Now go out and mingle
with the people.

- But I don't wanna mingle.

- Mingle or I'll mangle.

(funky music)

(all chattering)

(all chattering)

- Looks better upside down.

(all laughing)

(all chattering)

- Hi, mister.

- Well, hello
there, little lady.

Quite a sight, huh?

(man hoots)

- What you doing, Mr. Boots?

- Well, taking them notes, get-

(man yelling)

We are doing an
article on CB vans.

- Would you like to see the
inside of a real moving van

with a great receiver?

- I don't know.

- Oh, come on, Mr. Boots.

- Okay.

Lead on, little lady.

(upbeat funk music)

- Well, now Mr. Turner.

How long have you
had this CB business?

- Well, I had this
particular rig,

two years now.

- Oh!

You have always owned vans then?

- Oh, no, we've had pick ups,

stretch outs, buses,

anything that holds
more than two people.

We got a big family, you know.

- Very interesting.

And you give your rigs names?

- Of course.

- What do you call this van?

- Oh, hot-
- Hot- Hotel.

- Why is that?

- Oh, because we've got girls

checking in and
out all the time.

(all laughing)

- Really?

(all chattering)

- This looks like a van,

another van that
I've seen lately.

- They all kinda look alike

This is mighty nice
of you, young lady.

- Well, you might have a chance

to talk to her again.


You are kinda cute
for a good man.

- And you have a CB, of course?

- Of course.

- What's your handle?

- My what?

- Your CB code name.

- Uh, uh, darling.

- That figures.

- That's very interesting.

- Hey, mister, how come
you ain't taking no notes?

(man laughing)

- I have a photogenic memory.

- Are you good all over?

- I'm wearing leather boots.

- You want to go now?

Well tell me something.

Are you married?

- Uh-uh.

- Well, folks,

I think I have got
enough information

for a first class feature.

And I want to thank you

for your first
class co-operation.

- We wanna thank you, Mr. Dean.

We hope we gave you
everything you wanted.

- (chuckles) To be sure.

To be sure.

Well, see ya in
the funny papers.

- You sure got a mighty
powerful chest, Boots.

- I used to milk cows

when I was a boy.

- Your ears are so
cute, they taste salty.

- I used to shovel manure.

- What's more exciting
than my company?

- Boots!

If you don't come out here,

I'm gonna leave without you.

- Sir, excuse me,
have you seen Boots?

Oh, you can't miss him.

Come on, he's so high,

about so wide,

and his eyes have a
totally blank look in 'em.

(all chattering)

- Boots!

- Boots, now push.


- Sure would like to
do some turn around.

- Oh!

I'm sorry, Rocky, they are
all down junking today,

stick it in your ear.

Come on, Boots, all
together now, push!

(both grunting)

- Ah!

Damn I think I just
seen me a tongue.

- When is the last time

you laid some track, big boy?

- Oh, it's been a long time.


- Whoa, wait a minute, hotshot.

Got 25 bucks?

- Uh-uh.

- Hand it over.

- What's $25 for?

- Total charge.

(both laughing)

(all chattering)

- Keep the pace, baby.

High and feeble.

Make love, not war.

- They are so dumb.

I'm a new person, they
think I'm one of them.

As easy as taking
candy from a baby.

(funky music)

- Hey, the same van I stopped.

Wonder what they are doing here.

Probably more hanky-panky.

Well, I'll put a stop to that.

(funky music)

- Day off, Sheriff?

- Boots?

- Hm.

- Make love to me.

- Hmm, show your nipples.


(static hissing)

- Dancer, this is
Moonshine, do you copy?

- Hi, Moonshine,
how is it hanging?

- It's trouble, old buddy.

It ain't hanging, it's draining.

Me and Black Eagle
were looking for a pop.

Silky gives us weird vibe.

- Can't tell he was
was Van Johnson or-

- I'm here at the rally, boys.

I'll check it out, anyways.

- Dancer's voice.

But that's Turner!

Where the hell is Boots?


- Ooh, wow!

- Why you dirty old man,

you should be
ashamed of yourself!

Shame, shame, shame.

- Oh, my God.

- Hi, mom.

- Oh, no, Miss Turner,

I didn't realize it
was your daughter.

I swear I didn't.

- I bet.

- No, honestly, she,
she looked so different.

She was all grown.

She had, and everything.

- Well, she is quite
developed for a 16 year old,

ain't you, darling?

- Yes, mommy.

He gave me $25 too.

- Mr. Clayborn,
sir, will you please

put your clothes on
in front of my child.

- Yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.

And I want you to
step outside here.

I don't wanna dirty this van

with the likes of you.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Mr. Clayborn,
sir, are you aware

what the charges
are in this state

for statutory rape?

- Statue, what ma'am?

- Laying a
teenybopper, you twit.

It's 30 years, hard time.

- I didn't know she was a child,

I swear I didn't.

- God bless you,

you have deflowered my child.

- If I could take
it back, ma'am,

I would.

- Oh, no, what's
important here is,

to save my child's
honor and reputation.

Wouldn't you agree, sir?

- Oh, yes, ma'am.

- Oh, good, then
I'm glad we agreed.

This is exactly what we do.

Mr. Clayborn,

I'll drop all those
charges against you.

In return, you must promise

never to mention this
incident to anyone.

Is that clear?

- Oh, no ma'am,

I swear I won't breathe
a word to a living soul.

- Not to Mr. Dean,

or to Mrs. Saggins or anybody,

or else you'll be a goner!

- And I have $25 to prove it.

- No, may I be dipped
in born and mule fat

if I whisper a word.

Can I go now?

- Mr. Clayborn, if I were you,

I'd go straight to church
and pray for my salvation.

- Yes, ma'am, I will,
I will right away.

- Was she any good?

- Ma'am?

- Goodbye, Mr. Clayborn.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Bye!

Come back, you here?

(static hissing)

- Dancer, this is
Hogbreath, do you copy?

- Yeah, Hogbreath,

this is Dancer.

What's up?

- Couple of us old boys
are heading your way.

Wanted to lay some tracks.

The way I heard it,

is your Annies have taken
over them four wheelers

and leave the 18 wheelers

with their dipsticks
in their hands.

- (laughing) I know
the problem, man.

- Yeah, go take care
of them right away.

I thought your Annies
were our private stock.

- They are, Hogbreath.

They've been on
knocking on some of that

amateur stuff while they
are here at the rally.

I'll take care of it.

Don't you worry.

Harry is in the all new,
Franco Matania career.

- Solid, old buddy.

See you soon.

- Hotbox Two,

this is Dancer, do you copy?

(static hissing)

Hotbox Two, this is
Dancer, do you copy?

(static hissing)

Where are those skanky things?

- Hello, Clyde?

Is Boots over there?

No, we got separated
at that van rally,

and I thought maybe he
might have come back

into town for a bite to eat.

Okay, if he comes in,
have him call me, will ya?


(light acoustic guitar music)

♪ Where you going

♪ Where you been

♪ Where's tomorrow

♪ Where's the end

♪ If the stars in
heaven disappeared ♪

♪ And the rain
clouds hid the moon ♪

♪ Would you have me

♪ When the seasons change

♪ The snow is falling

♪ The earth is
colder and hotter ♪

♪ Will you love me

♪ Where you going

♪ Where you been

- White House sources indicate

that more and more,

the President is leaning

on the strong shoulder

of this phenomenal
grass-roots unit.

Dean has become the guiding hand

that wields an
incorruptible path.

- You know Boots,

it's a shame you never
paid any attention

to that squawk box.

You might have
learned something.

But all that ever seems
to interest you is

who attended the
last church social,

or to remind our readers

that their dogs have
to be relicensed.

You listen to that
trucker CB talk,

you might pick up
on a hot news item.

- Oh, come off it, Mountain,

you had your ear to that box

for five years now.

And all they ever told you was

lettuce was going
75 cents a bushel.

- Hm, I made us some
money, didn't I?

Off that brand new linotype.

So what the hell are
you bitching about?

- I ain't bitching,

but don't sit there
playing Dick Tracy,

and tell me that CB radio

is gonna give us the
story of the year.

- That's the difference.

That is the difference
between you and me.

It is the difference
between dog licenses

and detente.

It is the difference between

church socials and Watergate.

It is the difference
between talking

to Eric Sevareid
and Boots Clayborn.

It is the difference
between little and big.

It is the difference
between the local PTA's

annual journalism award,

and the Pulitzer prize.

It is the difference
between night and day.

Between black and white.


What the hell is the use?

- Can I have another one
of your Goobers please?

- Oh, you want peanut.

There is the peanut.

Take the peanut.

Oh, God, the word dumb
takes on a new meaning!

To be trapped in
this one horse town,

with a bunch of meat, oh God.

- Dear Ma'am.

No, that doesn't sound good.

- This is Hogbreath,
just passed your rig.

Looking for a huge watermelon,

got a load I wanna drop, over.

- Morning Hogbreath,
this is Scuzz,

You know Sunday,
it's down the road,

and Lemon will be ready
to unload, do you copy?

I gotta write to my mother.

(phone ringing)

- Clarion Weekly,
Boots Clayborn.

Oh, hi, Miss
Saggins, how are you?

Yeah, how is Wilbur?

Fine, fine.

Oh, yeah, just a minute.


Last night?

Yeah, how much did she weigh?

22 pounds!

Oh, ah, that much

Okay, oh, yes ma'am, yes ma'am.

I getting it all down.

You can read about
in paper next week.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, yeah.

Tell Wilbur, hello for me.

Fine day to you
too, Miss Saggins.

Bye now.

- Stop the presses.

Copy point, re-write.


I just got a hot flash.

I want this in three inch
type with red banner.

Okay, here goes.

Mrs. Wilbur J. Suggins'

pet cow Bula

just dropped a calf.

The new arrival weighed
in at 22 pounds.

Both mother and
daughter are doing fine.

Signed, 30!

- How did you know that?

- Oh, command is a lonely-

- Got a buyer on the way,
so polish up those lemons.

- What's a lemon?

- Just watch my action, silky.

I'm gonna rape old
Hogbreath in record time.

I'm gonna cook his ass.

- Hi, Dee Dee, honey.

Your boy has missed ya.

- How much of that panda piss
have you had all, old buddy?

- Oh, just a nip
and a tuck, darling.

- I don't like
taking on no drunks.

- Yeah, they take too long.

- Wait, but I can handle him.

- I can handle my own action.

- I'm gonna improve
on my record.

- He's all yours, Dee Dee.

- Come on you,
let's get cracking.

- Oh!

What a beautiful day!

Just took me a nice long
walk, cleared my head.

Ah, that sun sure feels good.

- Change your mind
about retiring?

- Nope.

Still think it's a good idea.

You ought to get some thought

about putting down
some roots somewhere.

You ain't getting any younger.

- Oh hell, we got miles to
go before we call it quits.

- I ain't talking
about calling it quits.

Just getting tired
of dodging the law,

pissing on the run and
eating out of cans.

Damn, woman,

when was the last time
we slept in a decent bed?

Or had us a steak dinner?

- I can't recall.

- That's what I mean.

- Wait, my hair.

Take my pants off.


- I've I'd known you
looked this good,

I'd have been here sooner.

- See.

- When you're done, I'll go.


- You ready?

- Oh, I'm ready, honey.

I'm on, I'm ready.

- Okay.


(upbeat funk music)

- You hungry?

- A little.


- Oh God, I'm starving.

- Huh?

You ate the whole
pound of those peanuts.

How could you be hungry?

- I quit smoking last month.

- And you gained 30 pounds too.

- Oh, come on, I'm starving.

Let's go over to Clyde's Steaks.

- All right.

- Hotbox One, this
is Hotbox Two.

What' the hell's
going on over there?

- Dancer-

- Come on, let's go.


- Seems our lemon's dried out.

- What the hell do you
suppose they meant by that?

- I don't know.

Bit I'm hungry.

Come on, there ain't
nothing happening here.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Listen to this.

Something is going on out there

that just doesn't sit right.


Now, that Dancer, Lemon,

razzle, dazzle,

that's not just truckers' talk.

Now, they usually talk about

the cops,

and the kind of freight
they are hauling.

- So these guys
are hauling fruits.

- Boots, Boots, my God!

When is the last
time you saw a woman

driving a diesel rig?

- That was a woman's
voice wasn't it?

- Oh, bless you, Jesus!

Bless you.

- Okay.

Who's next?

- I told Clyde no mustard.

- You eat mustard
on everything else.

- Not with steak sandwiches.

- I'm not quite so
sure it's steak.

Tastes more like
Clyde's boot sole.

- At least the mustard is good.

- West-bound 18 wheeler,

East-bound Black Eagle.

This is Hogbreath.

Do you copy?

- Yeah, yeah, clear, it's
good to hear your voice.

- I just brown bottled up.

One hand in the chicken coop.

I'm ready for some
tunnel action.

- Tunnel!

But there are no tunnels in
this part of the country?

- About two miles past
Johnson's gas station.

You'll see a sweet
chocolate van.

Got some real fine Annies there.

Ask for the one that
can wink you off.

- Okay now, no one's
taking the answer.

Just what was that all about?

- Quite simple, really,

"brown bottle", means
he is having a beer.

"One hand in the chicken coop",

means that the fellows
at the way station

gave him some trouble.

That "Annie and tunnel"
double talk, that,

that's still a mystery to me.

- You gonna finish
that sandwich?

- Damn right, I'm
gonna finish it.

Boots, I'm telling there is
something going on out there

that just isn't on the
straight and narrow.

- What do you mean?

- I think we better
go over to Johnson's

and have a little looksie.

- I think the part of
the story comes in here.

- I think we're on a story.

Yes, sir.

This CB set is gonna
lead us to the spot

where man and destiny collide.

- How was Hogbreath?

- That dude was hung like a
(speaking foreign language).

- Good evening,
ladies and gentleman,

this is Walter Cronkite.

Tonight, our profile of
the internationally famous,

Pulitzer Prize winning,

White House corespondent,

JR Mountain Dean.

A mountain of man.

A mountain of power.

(funky music)

- Ah, business as usual
down Johnson's there.

- Shall we turn back?

- Hell no!

We are on a story.

- Could it be that Mountain Dean

will chalk up
another broken heart?

We recall, last month,

when Dean spurned the
proposal of marriage

from TV's rock singing
star, Claire Brown.

She decided to quit everything

and become a nun.

When asked about this
latest development,

Dean's only reply was-

- Not a chance, fellas.

Those jet-set dollies

are nothing but
playthings to me.

- Huh?

- Nothing.

- C, four-letter word for
drops would be, glide?

- Hey, look there,
isn't she something?

- Yeah, she got
a CB antenna too.

Let's take a gander.

- Honey!


- What?

- There's two men
snooping around the van.

What are they snooping for?

They sure don't look right.

- Yeah, you're right.

Sure do.

- What are we going to do?

- Well, my daddy always said,

"The best defense
is an offense."

- Yeah, just don't
get too offensive.

- Afternoon, gentlemen,

what can I do for you?

- Good afternoon, mister.

- Afternoon, lovely
afternoon ain't it?

- Sure is.

- My name is Mountain Dean.

And this is Boots Clayborn.

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- We are from the
Clarion Weekly.

- Oh, well,

ain't that nice!

- Mighty fine looking
rig you got here.

- Yeah, well,

would you boys
like to step inside

and have a coke or something?

- My pleasure, mister.
- Be my guest.

Make yourself at home,
a little cramped.

- Aww!

- Hey, honey!

Come on in, we got visitors.

- Laura Mae Turner,

this is the little lady.

And I'm Billy Bob Turner.

This is Boots Clayborn.

- It's real honor, ma'am.

- Mountain Dean,
ma'am, likewise.

- These are gentleman
from the newspaper, honey.

- Oh, how interesting.

- Well, what can
we do for you boys?

- Well, Mr. Turner,
our newspaper

the Clarion Weekly,

you've heard of it, haven't you?

- Oh, I read them everyday.

- Well, we are doing a
big article on CB radio,

and your van being
so original and all

and you having an outfit why,

we thought we might
do a feature on it.

And you,

with your permission, of course.


Right, Boots?

- Oh, yeah.

- That would be just so lovely.

- Well,

there ain't special
about Laura Sue or me,

or the CB or the vans.

We are just simple people

doing our thing, right, honey?

- Oh why, Billy darling,

I think you're being
far too modest.

Why don't you tell
these nice gentleman

about our CB sales company?

- Oh, yeah!

Well, you see, gentleman,

this is like our warehouse.

We go around selling
the CB units,

right out of the van,

person to person.

Saves us overhead.

- Oh, that's very interesting.

How are your prices?

- Oh!

Right on.

You see, this is something

we can really get
our teeth into.

Listen, could we
continue this interview

when we have more
time to spend on it?

- Why, sure.

- Good.

- Well, I must say,

this is one of the
most incredible vans

that I have ever seen.

It really is.

- Well, it's not the much.

- Also, the color
schemes you have in here.

- Oh, these here are my uh

daughters and my sales ladies.

This is Diane.

- Nice to meet you.

- This is Sally.

- Much obliged.

- And this our
youngest, Deborah.

- Nice to meet you.

- Listen, you think it over
and we'll catch up to you.

Are you going to
the big CB van rally

over in Deerfield?

- Yeah, that's what
we're here for.

- Okay, we will
see you there, bye.

- Bye!

- Bye.

- So you think those
two guys are for real?

- I think they were news hogs.

But I don't think

they were after a
story about CB units.

- Yeah, but they wouldn't
know what we are up to

unless one of our
men let it spill.

- Our boys would just be
killing their own action.

And they like to keep it
in their trucking family.

- Hmm.

Well, I think just to be cool,

we'll go to that rally.

- Yeah, why don't we do it,

and pick up some side money.

- Good idea.

- Yeah.

- Back there isn't straight.

- That Laura June
sure was pretty.

Pretty litter of kids.

- Where do they get their money?

- They look just like her.

- I'll bet my half of
the Clarion Weekly,

they ain't her kids.

And I'll bet your half
of the Clarion Weekly,

that he ain't her husband.

- By damn!

I bet you're right.

Ah, something fishy
is going on out there.

He's blackmailing her.

- Ah, she's in on it with him.

- Them aint their kids?

- What the hell are they up to?

- Can't be, she's too young
for offspring that old.

- Well, I don't know
they looked more than 15.

- Laura June ain't
much more than that.

- You suppose they are
just living together?

- Are you throwing
off on Laura June?

- No, no.

But something is
going on out there.

And she is in on it with him.

- In on what?

Laura June is a
virgin of a woman,

if I ever saw one.

- (laughs) Are you crazy?

- No, I just know.

Now, them ain't her kids,

and I'll bet you they ain't,

and he ain't her husband.

She'd never marry
something like that.

It just stands to
reason that she is pure.

- As the driven snow!

I'm still gonna keep
my eyes on them,

because there's a story in this.

- You ain't gonna do
nothing to Laura June!

Not without your permission.

- Hey!

Mama has got everything
under control.

- Where the hell you girls been?

CB units been burning up
with all kinds of action,

and you are out there
hustling that amateur trade.

- Oh, relax darling.

We've been taking care of this.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, seems old Silky

got a hold of that
news hog, Boots,

and when I caught him,

he had his long stroke showing.


- You're kidding.

Chalk one up for our side.

- Those numb nuts must
have been listening in

on our CB.

They got suspicious

and they thought
they'd expose us,

if you'll excuse the expression.

- Scuzz catches him
blowing a minor,

tells him the consequences

and baby and daddy
are home free.

- Oh, I'll be damned.

And here I was
plotting my next move,

getting mad at you girls.

And all the while, you are out,

saving the settlers
and the Indians.

- Well, Silky saved the day.

I'll tell you when she got
through with old Boots,

he didn't know his
ass from his elbow.

- And a big drink to old Silky.

- Hollywood's Robert Redford,

the most dashing actor
on the screen today,

has just been found by
Omnipotence Production,

to play the most sought
after masculine role

in film history.

"The Life and Loves
of Mountain Dean."

Screenland experts don't
believe that Redford,

is macho enough for the part.

But he does bear a
remarkable resemblance

to the legendary Dean.

(static hissing)

- Hello, Meredith,

Boots around there?


Your husband.

I don't know why he should
be coming around there,

looking for me I suppose.

Yeah, well,

I love you too, dear.

Yeah, I'll be home for supper.

Yeah, bye.

Where the hell have you been?

Boots, I think I
know what's going on.

Now, Turner told me

that his CB call name was Hotel.

But he lied.

- You ever stop and think

that you might be
boring to some folks.

Maybe Mr. Turner didn't want
you calling and bugging him.

- He is called Dancer.

- Hogbreath to
Dancer, do you copy?

- Get away from there.

Get your hands off of that!

What's the matter with you?

- Copy, copy.

- Me and Eagle and Moonshine

are nearing your cab
and ready to boogie.

- Sorry, old buddy,
no boogieing tonight.

A little victory celebration.

If you boys lay over,

we can pick you up tomorrow.

- Sounds fair enough.

- Over and out for the night.

- Tell that Lemon,
that I want it fresh.

- See, Boots?

Those guys keep
asking for fruits.

But there are no fruits

on that Turner van.

- I don't want to hear it.

- That Turner,

alias Dancer, he is the leader.

And those daughters of his,

and if they are his daughters,

are no more than a
bunch of little whores.

- Now wait, wait a
minute, Mountain.

Them girls are all
too young to be

whoring and they
seemed awful nice.

- I'm going out there tomorrow

and kick the frosting
off his cake.

- You might be getting
into mighty trouble

if you go out there, you know.

We don't wanna get
nobody in trouble, do we?

- You gonna be
playing with fire.



You and I are gonna make those

big Watergate newsmen look like

a bunch of cub reporters.

- You gonna go out there and
get us in over your head.

- I want you out there

first thing in the
morning, Boots.

And bring your camera,

we're gonna catch those
bastards in the act.

Something else, I
better bring along.

This is big apples.

Which one is the
mightier, Boots?

We'll find out tomorrow.

- Yeah, I think it's about
time we put old Boots on.

Hi, Bootsie!

- Who is that?

- Are you there, Bootsie?

- Who is that?

- It's just little old me.


- Oh!

Hello, little lady.

- Are you alone?

- Yeah, Mountain has gone home.

- Are you sorry for
what you did today?

- I'm truly sorry.

- Did you go to church
like my mama told you to?

- I was just fixing to.

As your mama said,
I was just going.

- Well, you better.

- Oh, yes.

- Reflect in church
by yourself tomorrow?

- I'm afraid so.

- You make sure it doesn't
tumble down to anything

Or my mommy will spank you.

- Now, he already
thinks that your daddy

is running a whorehouse.

Ah, excuse me, ma'am.

- That's okay, I have heard
the expression before.

- I told him it weren't true.

It ain't, is it?

- Why, of course not.

- Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'm not sure that
he believed me.

- You make sure
nothing screws up.

You hear?

- I hear ya!

Now Mountain can be
often stubborn sometimes.

- Well, you just
make sure you don't.

See you, good night.

- I guess.

(all cheering and applauding)

- Well, my darlings,

that was an Academy
Award performance.

- You know, it might
sound unbelievable

but I really believe that
she likes the old bear.

- You're kidding.

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, come on, Dee.

You're a baddie.

If woman didn't have a pussy,

she wouldn't have a
friend in the world.

- Ah, our leader.

If we didn't have pussies,

you would have to go
to work for a living.

- That's what you think,

I got a big surprise for you.

I got 15 grand
stashed in a sock.

Little cushion,

so we can dump this
rollin' whorehouse

and just be folks.

- You sly old fox.

- The way I figured is,

we give the gals
three grand apiece,

and Hotbox Two if they want it.

You and I start a new life.


What do you say?

- You're really serious?

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, it sounds mighty
tempting, darling.

- What do you think, girls?

- Whatever you say, Dancer.

- But who will take
care of the girls?

- We can handle it ourselves,

and besides it might be fun.

- Sure.

- Don't worry,

I'll come up with something.

Why don't we sleep on it

And we'll catch
it tomorrow, huh?

- Excellent idea.

Night, night.

- Night.
- Night.

- Where the hell have you been?

Didn't I tell you to be out
here, first thing this morning?

- I been to church.

- Church?

You haven't been to
church for 20 years!

- I just felt like going.

- Where is your camera?

Didn't I tell you to
bring your camera?

- Yeah.

- Well, where the hell is this?

- I left it at home.

Them Instamatics
ain't no good anyway.

- Damn!

I wanted a photo finish.

- Didn't I see you stop,

talk to those boys,
back down there?

- Yeah, mm-hm.

And I got my information.

- About what?

- Boots, you're getting dense.

Don't you remember what
we're doing out here

in the first place?

Those Turners, if
they are Turners,

are running a
traveling cat house.

- Let's go get a beer.

Come on, I'll buy.

- The hell you say.

Those girls are
charging $25 a hay roll.

- What?

You don't think that $25

might be something
for tax, do you?

- Tax!

Tax on what?

Listen, as far as I know

beaver isn't an
endangered species.

That's play money!

- You absolutely sure?

- Boots, have you been in
Clyde's home brew again?

I tell you, the stuff has
got you talking to yourself.

- I'll see you later.

- You come back here,
we've got work to do.

Never mind.

I'll do it myself.

There's a Pulitzer
Prize in this one.

I can smell it.


Hi, Sheriff.

How is crime and violence?

Listen, you will
have to excuse me.

I'm on a hot news tip.

- Well, don't get too far away.

'cause I'm about to get
myself some stripes.

And I want the very
best news coverage

that I can possibly have.

So the people down at the county

know exactly what kind
of a job I have done.

- Oh, what are you
on to, Sheriff?

- Well,


I'll tell you just so you know

exactly where to be.

But you know there is a couple

of very fancy vans around here,

and they ain't exactly

what they like people
to think they are.

- I sure hope you have
a good case, Sheriff.

I don't like to
print fairy tales.

- Well, you ain't gonna have to

'cause I got warrants
and everything.

- Hey, Sheriff,

there has been a bad accident

down the road, you
better call an ambulance.

- (sighs) Damn it, Mountain.

Stand by, I'll be right back.

- Now, look-a here, miss.

I know what you have been up to.

You fooled me with
the virgin bit.

But no more.

No more, you are a grown woman.

- I sure am.

You're so masterful
when you're mad.

One kiss from your cruel lips.

Come here, you great big lug.

(knocking on door)

- Good morning, Dancer.

- Well, it took you long
enough to figure it out.

Come on in.

- I smelled you out,
right from the start.

Who do you think
you were fooling

with that tunneling and
lemon and prune routine?

You know, you have to get up

pretty early in the morning

to fool old Mountain Dean.

Oh, yeah!

I even talked to some
of your customers,

they spelled out
the whole thing.

- What are you
gonna do about it?

- I'm gonna bust
this thing wide open.

- What's your partner
gonna think about it?

- Whoa!

You might have had him fooled

with that
virgin-stirgin routine,

but I'll set him straight.

You and your rolling cat house,

have thrown me the
last hump, Mr. Smarty.

- What makes you think so?

- Because when my story breaks,

there isn't a trucker alive

that would touch you

with 10-foot tire iron.

- Let me ask you something?

- Shoot.

- How much do you
and your partner

make a week on the
newspaper business?

- Roughly, 55 to $60 a week,

after expenses.

- That much, huh?

How would you and
Boots like to own

this rolling cat house?

- What?

- With you two boys
running the operation,

you will get a better clientele.

You'd lend and air
of respectability.

And you will get a little
side action for yourself.

- I wouldn't dream
of such a thing.

- 2500 tax free dollars a week

could buy a lot of drinks.

- $2500?

That's what you
take in in a week?

- On a bad week.

- But, where does
that leave you?

- Oh, I guess old Dancer

is trying to make an
honest woman of me.

- That's right, honey.

- $2500 a week, huh?

I don't know, oh!

Oh, but I do know that
the local county mounty

knows more about you than I do.

And he's got papers to prove it.

But if he gets to
you before I do,

I lose my scoop.

- Honey, I think the man has
just bought us some time.

- The noblest know him

as the public good.


(engine revving)

- Hotbox Two, wrap
it this minute.

County mounty on
the way with iron.

I repeat, county mounty
on the way with iron.

- Cops are coming.

(funky music)

(all laughing)

(all cheering)


- Yeah.

(siren wailing)

(siren wailing)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

- Hey, did that Sheriff
come across the county line?

- No, darling, he sure didn't.

- Then why the hell
are we running?

- Mayday, mayday!

Attention, all you truckers.

Now, hear this.

I want you to listen up

and I want you to
listen up tight.

Yes, I mean you.

You double crunching

I just thought
you'd like to know,

that aren't laying any
track around here anymore.

Because the tunnel
has just caved in.

That's right!

There is no more
fruit around either.

No lemons,

no prunes,

no watermelons, no nothing,

not even a grape.

Because the entire crop
just died of a frost.

Oh, yes.

I broke up your
little playhouse,

and your Dancer,

and Prancer, and Donner
and Blitzen are gone!

Finito, fini, kaput.

Yes, I did it to ya.

And I did it single handedly.

In spite of a
corrupt news staff.

So Mr. Moonshine

and Mr. Hogbreath

and Hogwash,

and all you other
18-wheel tramps,

can just go and look elsewhere

for your little filthy
freeway frolics.

The game is over!

This town is clean.

And it's gonna stay that way,

you got it?

Oh, yes.

My name is JR
Mountain 'Scoop' Dean

of the Clarion
Weekly, a free man,

and a free press.

And if you want me,

well, you know where to find me.

- Well, now, Mr. Mountain Dean,

we'll see about that.

- This here is Big
Boots in Hotbox Two.

Now we are setting up,
brand new warehouse

just full of lemons and
prunes and watermelons.

It will be business as usual.

So Mr. Mountain Dean,

you can forget about being

the second coming
of Eric Severaid,

and yup!

Ain't nothing gonna
stop the CB Hustlers.

(funky music)