Busted (1997) - full transcript

( Female radio dispatcher)

Hey, you know uncle Alex,
I really miss that great white.

Things just haven't been the
same since he's been gone.

Yeah, that fish was
a minnow compared to

the barracuda I married.

Hamilton, where have
you been all morning ?

Out working the streets.
It's a jungle out there.

Found a missing
earring.

A-ha.

Hamilton,
hit the streets.

Yes, sir.



Time for roll call.

Let's roll.

Lacey ?

Pumpernickel, sir.

Casey ?
Onion, sir.

Howe ?
Sesame seed, sir.

David ?

I actually, uh,
I wanted the sesame seed.

You had it
last roll call.

Yes, but I wanted
it now, too.

I like sesame seed.

I wanted the
damn sesame seed.

You dirty--
give me the
fucking sesame--

stop!



That's why I'm
the captain.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Hey, hey,
knock it off.

Where the hell's
Clifford ?

He's down cleaning the sewage
pumps last time I saw him.

That's where
he belongs.

All right...

We've got a busy
day ahead of us.

Let's see what we've
got this week.

All right, so far we've
had, robberies, zero.

Accidental deaths, zero.
Murders, zero.

But! We have had an increase
in the number of women

jumping out of their showers
and running through the yard...

Naked.

That, that would be
peeping Tom.

( Whirling, high-pitched noise )

We have a sketch.

It's a little rough right now,
but we're still working on it.

You should get
a fair idea.

Not bad.

Really nice.

Well I know it's a--
it's a little rough,

but it's the best I could
do right... up front.

So basically, I want you to
keep doing what you're doing.

Keep your eyes out for
that peeping Tom...

( Whirling sound again )

And don't get caught
sleeping in the squad car.

I uh... that's because I
was using my other senses.

Like a ninja.

So, when you go
out there today,

I want you to fight.

Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight.

If you run into a criminal
and you get into a fight...

Here's what I want
you to do,

if he hits you and
knocks you down,

I want you to get up
and fight him again.

If he knocks you down again,

I want you to get up
and fight him harder.

If he knocks you down again,

I want you to get up and
get the hell out of there

'cause you're losing.
Now get out there and move!

Get me a donut.

Captain, he gets
the last donut.

Hi.
Up yours.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, what happened
to you ?

I'm sorry.

You missed roll call.

Ah, kaiser.

Where were you ?

I was on a
cigarette break.

But you don't smoke.

Well, that's not what
the lady said.

Good morning,
lieutenant.

Good morning,
officers.

( Telephone ringing )

( High squeaky voice )
Amity police,
is this an emergency ?

Uh, yes. I would have the
greatest respect for you

if you could hook me up with...

Do you have many different
kinds of girls there ?

( Deep, sultry voice )
Yes, sir.

Do you have a preference
for your afternoon pleasure ?

Yes, something in a redhead
with broad shoulders.

Someone will be right over
to pick you up.

David, we got one!

Yeah, who's it for ?

Bambi!

Oh, good.
Wake her up.

Oh, wait, it's Dr. Kaplan,
she doesn't need to be awake.

( Sirens wailing )

Bambi. Carrie.

Carrie, you awake ?

Now I am.

Well, get up. You still
have to make up your

ten hours of
community service.

Can't I take it
out in trade ?

Carrie!

All right.
All right.

The women's auxiliary
is coming in for a lesson.

Wake me at one.

Bambi!

Hmm ?

You look different.
What is it ?

Oh, maybe 'cause I
straightened my hair a little.

I don't think so.

Weight loss ?
I dropped fifty-two pounds.

You do look great,
but I don't think that's it.

Nose job ?

May be.

Boob job ?

Getting closer.

The sex-change
operation.

That's it.

( Alarm sounding )

Hold it right
there, miss.

Yes ?

Do you realize that
you were jaywalking ?

Well, i--

we have laws
around here, miss.

But, but--
didn't you see ?

But, but, nothing.
Great butt or no butt...

You're still getting a ticket.
Butts don't stop me.

But, in case you're wondering,
you have a great butt.

( East Indian accent )
Pay attention,
you nutty fool!

Nice hat.
What's the problem ?

A guy from
over there--

never mind.

Where are you going ?
Why don't you chasing him ?

( Breathing heavily )
That's a long run.

I bet it is.

Officer Hamilton.

Officer howe.

Yeah, did you
see everything ?

Everything.

Good, good.
Where are the perps ?

Right over there.

( Laughing devilishly )
I mean the uh--

I mean the guys who
robbed the liquor store.

Someone robbed
the liquor store ?

Oh, god. Nobody
tells me anything.

I tried
to tell him.

You're under arrest. Wait until
I get you to the police station.

You're a troublemaker.
You're a troublemaker.

Walk, walk, walk.
Move that ass. Move that ass.

Come on, get in. Get in.
Let me pat you down...

What do we got here ?

We had a burglary.

I see, uh...

What did you do...

Steal somebody's heart ?

Oh! Eew!
Ah!

No, this is
the eyewitness.

Einstein, over here--
Hamilton, idiot.

Moron!
Moron, idiot.
Shut up.

I'm sorry.

This big poluka had his back
to the whole crime scene

and missed everything.

She was jaywalking.

So, tell me,
did you see anything ?

I saw two guys running
out of a liquor store,

they had shorts on and black ski
masks and I tried to tell him.

He didn't do anything.

Hmm, too bad she didn't
see anything.

Wait a minute,
what day is it ?

The third.

( Together )
The baker brothers.

That's right.
Excuse me ?

Well, you see,
it's a baker brothers' m.O.,

black ski masks, every Wednesday
they Rob their father's store.

Howe, pick them up.

You want to book her ?

Yes, book her.

I can offer you a two-day roll.
Sag scale and credit billing.

But you'll have to
call my agent.

Damn, I hate
working with agents.

Hey, David.
Anything new ?

Yes, ten children
were born yesterday.

I mean in
the station ?

Oh, no.
Same old garbage.

See what I mean ?

Yeah, that really stinks.
What about that peeping Tom ?

( Whirling sound )

Oh, well, we haven't
caught him yet,

if that's what
you're asking.

But he really does
give me the creeps.

He's not spying on you.
You're built the wrong way.

What do you mean ?

Well, you see, David.
The male anatomy is

quite different from
the female's in many ways.

For example,
the male erection.

I think I got
your point.

No pun intended.

No pun taken.

I wasn't trying
to be funny.

Well, so far you don't have
anything to worry about.

Good.

So, you got any leads.

No, but if it kills me, I'm
going to catch that peeping Tom.

( Whirling sound )

Whoa!

Who do you think can raise their
eyebrow higher ?

Spock.

You who.

Ah, Mrs. Davies.

How good
to see you.

Your mustache
tickles.

I don't have
a mustache.

Oh, oh, uh...

I came to check on
the women's auxiliary.

Come on.

Let's go.

So, how are things ?

Fine. Just fine.

David, darling. You haven't told
my husband about your little...

Enterprise, have you ?

Not a thing.

Besides, I think if he
knew what we were doing,

he would have
no problem with it.

Because all we are
doing is taking
crime off the streets...

And putting it in
the police station
where it belongs.

Give me
that purse.

Ah, don't!
Don't!

Well, I just wanted
to warn you because...

He's up for re-election and
you know what that means.

Instantaneous,
ostentatious morality.

Precisely.

Let's go.

Ah, Mrs. Mayor. We were
just getting started.

( Women squeaking )

Ah, Carrie,
carry on.

All right, ladies.

The procedures I'm going to be
teaching you this afternoon

will be very, very
important to your marriages.

Oh, yes.
Ah.

Today, we'll be
discussing oral sex.

( Ladies gasp )

Now, I've laid out a few items
here for us to practice with.

Try and find whatever it is
that you have at home.

Cucumbers.
I have cucumbers.

Does anybody need a cucumber ?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Carrots.

Anybody need a carrot ?

Hot dogs ?

( Ladies contemplating
in background )

Do you have any, um...
Vienna sausages ?

Oh... I am sorry.

Officer angoloti, you left your
nude crack shots in the copier.

Please pick them up.

Thelma, is the cell
ready yet ?

( High-pitched voice )
Yes, sir.

( Deep, sexy voice )
Nice to see you
again, Dr. Kaplan.

Thelma.

( Inaudible chatter )

Heh, heh, heh.

Come here,
you bad, bad boy.

First, I'm going to have
to strip search you.

Now, you're the prisoner,
I'm the warden,

and I'm going to have to
put you in the hole.

( Music plays )

Excuse me,
captain amith in ?

And who should
I say is asking ?

Martin riff.

I'm, I'm
the new guy.

Oh, the rookie.
We've been expecting you.

Let me check.

( Buzzer sounding )
Captain Smith, the rookie's
here for orientation.

Hi, you must be
the new rookie.

Captain.

Good to see you, son.

Well, welcome to the
amity police force.

Come on, let me
tell you something
about our organization.

Organization ?

You know, I was in the
drama club in high school.

Oh, so you're
a four-eyed homo ?

Come on, one more. One more.
Squeeze it up.

Ah, that's a girl.

Good goin', girl.

Tit for tat.

Oh, excuse me.

Officers
Casey and Lacey ?

Rookie Marty riff.

Oh, you mean they're
not the hookers ?

No, you idiot.
Hookers have real tits.

Officers caey
and Lacey. Ladies.

Sir.
Sir.

Come on,
buck boy.
Bye!

Oh, my god!

Yeah, they're partners...
In more ways than one.

( Humming )

Here you go.

Hey, captain. We got a pick up,
you want me to take the rookie ?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Get that four-eyed geek
out of here.

He's bugging the
crap out of me.

I appreciate your
confidence in me, captain.

Yeah, you're doing
a great job, son.

I'm sure your father
would be proud of you.

If he knew
who you were.

Oh, I appreciate that.

It's for Bambi, again.

Teddy on larchmont and
he used the old password.

Okay, I'll give him
the new password.

What's the password ?
Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

It used to be
cock-a-doodle-doo.

Then last summer
a rooster called.

We thought it
was a "John."

Now we know what
chicken ranch means.

Ha, ha.

Captain.

Take your hands off me,
you slime ball!

Caught her on the corner
of first and main

soliciting for
sexual favors.

Was not.

Was to.

Was not.
Was to.

Was not!
Was to.

Gotcha.

Take this little floozy
to the interrogation room.

She looks dangerous.

Don't try to act smart, tootsie,
or you'll find out what police
brutality really means.

This way.
Let's go.

Hey, where the hell's
Clifford, anyway ?

The little shit's probably
getting another mri.

Well, she looks like
the real thing.

Yeah, choice of
a new generation.

Or maybe she's
the uncola.

Quite possibly.

Well, I'll run
her record.

You go in there
and keep her calm.

But be firm with her.
I want her to know...

We don't take
the law lightly.

Okay... let's go.

Look, I want to
make a phone call.

You'll make a phone call when I
say you can make a phone call.

Well, I ain't saying shit
until I talk to my lawyer.

Well, fine. We could use
some silence around here.

Oh, hey. I like your outfit.
Did you get that around here ?

What's it to you ?

Just trying
to be nice.

They're not really going to
try and hold me here are they ?

It's a small town, honey.

They don't take too kindly
to breaking the law.

Shut up, you two.
This woman here's a criminal.

And I'm going to see to it
that she's punished.

No! No! Not that.
Please! Anything but that.

Wait! Hold it right there,
officer Hamilton.

I ran her record, not bad.
The second song's pretty good.

What about
the third song ?

Not catchy enough.
But we'll let you slide.

So, Carrie, could you use
an extra hand around here ?

( Applause )

It's summer, we can always
use an extra hand.

Sorry I was rude to you
earlier... I just wasn't sure.

...doin' my job. You may have
been with internal affairs.

You thought I was a cop ?

Well... you can never
be too sure.

What was it that gave it away,
maybe the outfit ?

I like your outfit.

Yeah, me too.

You guys are nuts.

If you aren't going to
charge me with anything,

I'm going to get the
hell out of here.

Let's go.
Let's go.

You can go, darli'. But I think
you're making a big mistake.

You can work right here
doing what you do.

But if you don't want to...
Can I borrow your outfit ?

You see, there's already two of
us here. Got room for three ?

Wait a minute,
you guys are hookers ?

No, but we
play them on TV.

Bambi and I got
started the same way.

Got busted, captain
invited us to stay on.

Wait, the captain
gave you a job ?

Sure. He said he didn't
see any harm

in two girls trying
to make a living.

As long as
no one gets hurt.

And you guys never get smacked,
beat up, anything like that ?

In the police department ?

Just think, no more pimps.
No more cold street corners.

No more standing around in
these ridiculous high heels...

That throw your
back out.

Great.

So, what do you think,
you want to get cleaned up ?

Sure.
I'll show you
the locker room.

Think I'll clean
the locker room.

I think not.

I think that you're
not going to rest

until you get out there
and find me that peeping Tom.

( Music plays )

God damnit! If we
don't find him soon,

this music is going
to drive me insane.

Okay. And a 5, 6, 7, 8...

Ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba
twirl like you feel it and go...

You go girl...
Ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba

and a turn
and a ba ba!

It's the mayor!
It's the mayor!

It's the mayor!

Captain Smith!

Ah, take five ladies.
Love you, hate you. Yes ?

Mayor Davies is here.

Oh, my god.
Mayor Davies.

Gentlemen.

Sir.
Mayor Davies.

It has come to
my attention that

this police department
has not been following

the strict moral guidelines
expected of it.

What do you
mean, sir ?

Amity is a fine community of
hard working families

and innocent children living
in Harmony with each other

and the cities around them.

( Loud music and fireworks )

...of dedicated hard
working professionals.

( Music and fireworks
grow louder )

...serving the needs
of the community...

Hold it down!
I'm trying to talk.

( Noise quiets )

What is it exactly
you want, sir ?

Captain Smith, I am
demanding you step down

until a full investigation
of you and your department

has been completed.

( Sirens wailing )

Take him away!

I'm innocent.

I'm not leaving you
high and dry.

I've brought you exactly what
this department needs.

Captain Mae.

This is captain Mae.

She'll be in charge
of this department

until things get sorted out.

Lieutenant caroll,
show her the ropes.

Yes, mayor.

Short, medium, long.

Officer David caroll,
head of vice.

I'll bet you are.

I think there was
no need for a change.

Oh, I think there was plenty
of need for a change.

Bring me
up to speed.

All right.
Let's go.

On your marks.
Get set. Go!

Officer howe, line one.
Winchell's donuts, again!

Hi.

Will you
stop it already ?

Hmm, you noticed
him, too.

Yeah, but I'm
not drooling.

I bet he's great
in the sack.

I'll bet he's never
been in the sack.

I think we
should find out.

Sorry.

Nah.

Speak of the devil.

Oh... I'm-- I'm sorry.

Sorry about what ?

Well, I mean,
I don't want to interrupt.

Sit... there... now.

( Clears throat )
Ahhm, so...

Been a cop long ?

Yeah.

No, no. I mean no.
I just graduated.

You're going to
like it here.

Can I have a bite
of that apple ?

Sure.

( Biting and slurping sounds )

Excuse me.

Don't you want
something on that ?

Do you have
any... butter ?

Sure.

Oh, honey. You have to
spread this evenly.

Let me help you.

Oops, I think
you missed a spot.

Amity's a great
little town.

Nice people.

Really nice.

It sure seems like it.

Can I have
one of those ?

Sure.

Would you like half ?

Thanks.

You'll see our
fabulous lunch room.

And this is where all
of our wonderful
police officers

come and have
lunch every day.

If you look right now
you'll be able to see them--

what is going
on here ?

What is going
on here ?

Ah, ah.
Ah, ah.

Officer riff here
was showing us

the correct procedure for
the heimlich maneuver.

Ah, ah, h ate one of these
and I think he got really hot,

right, officer riff ?

Well, never mind
that right now,

ladies and gentlemen,

this is officer
captain Mary Mae,

she will be heading and
investigating the department

from here on out.

Officers Casey.
And Lacey.

At your service.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Oh, maybe you'd
like to see

the certificate of appreciation
we received last year ?

The most uneventful
town in America.

Ah, ha.

Well, that certainly
is interesting.

I'd like to see
the locker rooms.

Ah, okay.
Look at that one.

See that picture
right there ?

Do you want to
do my breasts ?

Oh, yes.
Oh, please.

Oh, deeper.

No, no. I don't floss
on the first date.

That's uh, that's our
local high school.

Look at all those
adorable faces.

Gee-gee, ga-ga,
goo-goo.

Locker room,
let's go.

( Alarm sounding )
Rinse fast,
we've got trouble.

What's up?

No time.

Use the route, round up the
girls and get 'em out of here.

Hurry!

Oh, my god!
Bambi's still on duty.

Come on!

Where are you going ?
Secret passage, good idea.

Don't do this. Wait for me.
Don't do this!

Officer howe,
at your service.

You have the men and women
in the same locker room ?

Well, you see, it's not really
like that because-- because--

well, uh, you see.
It's just that...

It's not really in the
budget right now...

In this department to have
two separate locker rooms.

Well that sounds
like a line.

You see, uh, we take
turns in the shower...

First the women, then the men,
then the transsexuals...

Then the transvestites, it's all
so we don't confuse the issues.

No, that's all
very confusing.

Now I'd like to see
the holding cells.

Right this way.
Let's go.

( Electrical buzzing )

Ouch!
Officer caroll...

You just got
to let me go.

I promise I'll never
do it again...

And from now on
I'll be a good girl.

You're already
pretty good.

Thanks, thanks.

I'm afraid to ask.

You should be.
I mean, you shouldn't be.

Because it really
doesn't matter.

I can explain.

I'm waiting.

Well, I, uh...

Would you believe--

thank you, thank you and
welcome to "would you believe?"

The show that tests just how far
your imagination will stretch.

My pumpkin pie.

My little prune Danish.

My lover.

( Audience gasps )

No one's supposed
to know. Shh!

Shh!

And right now for five hundred
dollars, officer David caroll...

Why does this jail cell
look like a bordello ?

Would you believe... ?

Ah, because she's here
so often that

they had to bring all of
her own stuff from home.

( Ding - ding )
Good answer,
but not good enough.

Ms. Bambi,
would you believe ?

Um, we have the whole thing
redone by Madonna's decorator.

( Ding - ding )
That's unbelievable.

Captain Mary Mae,
for five hundred dollars,
would you believe...?

It was created by
criminal psychologists

who wanted to regress criminals
to the moment of conception.

( Ding - ding - ding )
That's right.
We have a winner.

( Cheers and applause )

Captain Mary Mae of the
amity police department.

Step up here to collect your
five hundred dollars.

Thank you.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Five hundred dollars ?

That's more than
I've made all week.

( Audience groans
sympathetically )

Tune in next week and
be prepared to stretch...

Stretch... stretch further than
you've ever stretched before.

( Applause )

So... you think
you're being cute ?

Ya think this is
some kind of game ?

Badgering, ha ?
Don't listen much, mister ?

You got a hearing problem ?

He doesn't speak much.

Neither do you.

Mr. Baker, you're supposed
to be the older brother...

You're supposed
to set an example.

I don't think
he's listening.

Can you hear me, mister !?

He's got hearing
problems, too.

Let me try some
sign language.

All right.

You... can't... break... into...
Your father's... store.

It... makes... you... look...
Whoo... ah...

Bad.

He can't sees
nothing, neither.

David:
So, why are we
talking to him ?

'Cause he's the one who's got
all the brains in the family.

( Zipper unzipping
girl screaming, glass breaking )

...yap, that helped
put us on the map.

All righty, tell you
what I'm going to do.

I'm going to let
you go this time.

No one's pressing charges.

But next time--

clear!

We'll never
do it again.

You better not.
And you!

Take that stupid
look off your face.

That's better.

Come on, come on.
Get outta here.

Leave those masks.

Someone help me.

Well, what can
we do for you ?

I was taking a shower,
I just live around the corner.

There was this man,
I saw him in my bushes.

Watching me.

So he was...
Washing your bush.

No, he was
busting my watch.

I mean, watching my bust...
I mean watching me wash.

I've never been so
scared in my whole life.

So... this man,
did he look like this ?

That's him.
Exactly!

Well, sounds like
the peeping Tom.

( Music plays )

We know sombody's
been watching and

we've been watching him watch...
But we don't know who he is.

Even with that sketch ?

Yeah, it's hard
to believe.

Can I wash you walk ?
I mean, can I walk your bush ?

I mean, can I walk
you home ?

I'd really appreciate it.

Heh, heh, heh.

Thank you.

Drop by anytime.

So, is the
mayor gone yet ?

Yeah, the shit has
really hit the fan.

Wait a minute,

we don't steal other
people's jokes around here.

We only borrow them.

Good thing.

Yes. Oh, my god.
I left Billy in the cell.

So, what's goin' on ?

Okay, what happened was

captain Smith came in

the picture, you know,

and he was the captain and

he was great,

because we ran prostitution

through here, but everybody

got paid a lot of money,

they got their nails painted,

their toes painted every

single day 'cause they could

afford it...

>>Sorry.

They bought all kinds of...

And prostitution ring and they

keep trying to get rid of

the prostitution ring.

What are we supposed to do,

I mean, nobody is making money

anymore, everybody needs

to be rich, they need to get

new clothes daily.

They need to feed themselves,

then captain Mary Mae comes in,

she says,

"oh, I'm not gonna take this..."

This is a fine way
to run a business.

Lock us up in
separate cells, man.

I feel like I'm about
ready to bust.

Billy!

David!

Sorry, man. I didn't mean
to leave you hangin'.

We've had a
little problem.

Look, we have a
little problem here.

I've heard that before.

So have I.

Me too.

Well, any way. I guess we should
probably leave you be for now.

Yeah, let's go.
We'll come back.

No! Wait! David, you can't
leave me like this, man.

I feel like a prisoner.

What would make you
feel that way ?

I got it.
We'll be back.

>>She has something up her butt

and it died and she doesn't

understand because the law's all

she knows, you know, she just

doesn't even want to know what's

going on, because she walks

around the whole place,

how does she know about this...

She came here a short while ago

she doesn't know anything,

'cause she's--

man, that was bad.

You didn't like it ?

No, I'm down with it.

It felt hard to me.

No, I mean I'm cool.
I'm just chillin'.

Do you want me to
turn up the heat ?

Hey, where's Bambi ?

My god, she's still
with Billy.

Captain Mae is coming!
Captain Mae is coming!

( Alarm sounding )
Mae alert!
Mae alert!

Well, I'm sure it's all
very interesting.

But I really do have
to get unpacked.

All right.
Maybe later then.

I've still got some
paper work to do.

Any messages ?

Yes, your
mother called.
My mother called ?

Yes, there's been
a horrible accident.

Your father's
been killed.

What do you mean ?

Apparently there was a
freak accident and

his lawn mower killed him.

She said it went haywire

and turned your father
into fertilizer.

Wait, good news.

Your lawn looks
better than ever.

It's colorful and
full of life.

Who are you ?

Officer Lisa hancock,
I'm the night receptionist.

I thought the lieutenant picked
up the phone at night ?

Well, that's because
he didn't have me.

Do you have
any white-out ?

Oh, gosh, Billy.
I thought you were done. Sorry.

No, no. Wait!
David! David!

Damn, no matter what I do
I can't get out of jail.

( Phone ringing )

Amity police department.
Is this an emergency ?

It sure feels like one.
Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

Preference ?

I've already picked the blonde
one and I'm tired of Casey.

An officer will be right over.

Go wake up Clifford and get
Hamilton a run interference.

All right.

No. I'm here as
a public servant.

I'll help anybody.
No problem at all.

Why would I care that
it's the pope ?

He's got sexual problems
just like everybody else.

I assure you. What do you
mean, anti-semitic ?

( Clears throat )
Hamilton ?

Yes ?

I've got a
client en route

and I need you to pick up
a graffiti artist.

Take care of the
captain for me, will ya ?

That woman's about as
much fun as an enema.

I'll right, then I'll
take care of her.

Thanks.

And by the way...
Don't forget...

Bambi's in the cell,
you got to get her out.

Remember last time ? She thought
she was the lion for an hour.

Remember ? I had to do
the end production of

the wizard of oz fifty times,
how could I forget ?

That was pretty
miserable, wasn't it ?

Yeah, it was.
You were off key.

Very.
Very flat.

It was a bad day.

Bad hair day, too.
Damn!

But I'm on a diet.

You're 100 pounds
over weight--

oh, hi. Captain,
I'm going out on a call...

It's very high profile.

I thought you might
like to ride shotgun ?

You think it
may be dangerous ?

It very well
could be.

Let's go!
All right.

Marty.

Seen Carrie ?

No.

All right, well if you
see her before I do,

let her know we need her
in the interrogation room.

We're not using the cells
in the day anymore, okay ?

Okay.

Hey, cliff ?

Yes ?

( Clearing throat )

You ever have two girls come
on to you at the same Tim ?

Only in my dreams.
What's up ?

Well, I don't know
how to decide.

What's to decide ?

Well, I've never,
you know...

I've never been in
this situation before.

Marty, there's worse situations
to be in, all right ?

Trust me.
I tell you what,

if you get two chicks
in the sack, all right,

I'll turn in my badge.

It'd almost be worth it.

Shut up! All right,
so if you see Carrie,

you'll tell her that ?

All right.
Thank you.

Thank you.

What do you got ?

Counterfeit,
caught him red-handed.

Good work.

So, what are
you doing ?

Got Carrie in the
interrogation room.

Come here,
my little doggie.

Heel!
Heel!

Ankles.
Ankles!

That's it,
lick my latex.

Good doggie.

That was bull shit!
An 8-year-old ?

What kind of crime do we
have in this city ?

( Alarm sounding )
Oh, Mae alert!
Mae alert!

Meow!

Oh, no! Come on!
Come on, get up!

Get up!

Get up.
Put your clothes on.

Come on,
oh, Mae alert.

M@e alert.
Maealert

out, John boy! Out!

All clear!

What's that
supposed to mean ?

Oh, would you believe--

thank you. Thank you and welcome
to "would you believe?"

The show that tests--

no, no, no!

What ?

Well, this is just
over the top.

Really ?
Yes.

( Audience booing )

Well, if you want to be
that way about it... here!

So, what really
happened ?

Well, I was interrogating
this man, and we ah, ah...

Ah, threw up.
He threw up.

He threw!

And I was just letting him
know that it was all clear...

Meaning that it
was all clean.

Clean. Clear.
Clear and clean.

As a whistle.

Where are your
cleaning supplies ?

Whistling.

Ah, all I need is
my trusty rag.

Dependable.
Trusty.

You can trust it.
Never lie to you, ever.

What have we got here ?

I caught him trying to pass
counterfeit 100 dollar bills.

Good work.

But the guy must
be color blind.

What makes you
think that ?

Because 100 dollar
bills aren't red.

Stupid.

Are you sure on that ?

Well, here. You take a couple,
I'll take a couple...

Anybody want one ?

I'll take one.

Have a nice day.
Merry Christmas.

Twinkie ?

I'll take it--
sure, thanks.

Give me another
one of those. Thanks.

Ah, what a day.

Seven jaywalkers, two double-
Parkers and a litter bug.

God! Sometimes you really gotta
earn your paycheck around here.

Leaving ?

I'm taking the
books home with me.

Think anything
will happen tonight ?

Ah, no, no. Nights around here
are slower than the days.

Well, I'm only
a phone call away.

Good night.
Good night.

One-one thousand,
two-one thousand,
three-one thousand...

Let's party!

Whoo, yeah!

Come on, man. It's not funny.
Leave me alone.

It's not my fault.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, captain.

Morning, captain.

Clifford, did you
take roll call ?

All here.

Good. Last night I went
over the books...

And I was very surprised.

I've never seen a
police department

in such great
financial shape.

Oh, very nice. Good.

Money, I like that.

This building has been
paid off and I see you put

a down payment on a
new building for the station.

Your community has bought
you new walkie-talkies,

new uniforms, new weights
and a cappaccino machine.

Hear, hear!

It makes me proud.

( Choked up )
I-- they just give and give.

However, I have noticed
some unorthodox procedures

around here. So you guys best
watch your "ps and qs."

We're going by the book.

At ease.

( Farting )

Understood ?

Understood.
Understood.
Understood!

Now, I have a little
surprise for you.

Since there's such an excess
of cash in the slush fund,

I'm going to be
sprucing up the place.

You know, putting in some
green plants,

maybe a painting or two.

Anything else ?

Yes, we have a new drawing of
the suspect, the peeping Tom.

Pass this around to everybody,
get a good look at it.

Ooo, yeah.
Ah!

I wish I could
draw like that.

Ooo, I want
this guy.

Hey, that looks like
my ex-boyfriend.

Let me see that, again.

I bet you I could find
this guy in two hours.

Oay, get out there
and be safe.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know anybody was here.

What are you
sorry about ?

I-- um-- i--

I-- um--

could you come stand
here for a second ?

Well... sure.

No. Stand here.

There ?

All right.

Now, you try to
push my legs out...

And I'll try to
push them back in.

Okay.

Gotcha.

All my life I never even had
a beautiful girl look at me.

I mean, much less
come on to me.

And out of the blue today,
it's happened twice.

Twice ?

What's going on here ?

I was just exercising
my thighs.

Bitch.

Where's that janitor ?

My blinds haven't
been dusted this decade.

She works on
mostly nights.

Fine, I'll leave
her a note.

( Humming a note )

Tell me when the
mayor's wife comes in,

she's taking me to lunch.

She's already here.

She is ?

She's downstairs with the
women's auxiliary.

Oh, good. I think I'll
go join her.

Now hold it in your hand.
Firmly but gently.

Then up and down,
up and down.

( Alarm sounds )
Oh, Mae alert!
Oh, Mae alert!

Okay, put them
away 'til later, okay ?

Knowing the correct way
to use a condom

could mean the difference
between life and death.

Hello.

You must be
captain Mary Mae.

Ladies...

Captain Mary Mae.

Our new...
Captain.

Bravo!

Aren't you
the janitor ?

Janitor and also
sex educator.

Clean is
as clean does.

Hey, what are
you doin' here ?

Ah, couldn't sleep.

I was up all night trying
to catch that peeping Tom.

( Music plays )

Hey, Hamilton.
What you got there ?

Yeah, what you got
over here ?

Loiterer, got a
complaint from Cunningham's.

I'm so impressed
with the role

that this police department
plays in the community.

Oh, yes. Our officers
really give their best.

Mister, you got a name ?

( Mumbling )

Don't give me
any of your lip.

All right,
listen up.

I want you to take
his cuffs off him.

But watch him!
He looks like a creep.

Get some finger prints.

That was really good
the way you handled him.

It was strong--

thank you. You know,
I was trying to be--

I didn't want to
go over the top.

Some people--

he's got a gun.

Stop it!

That's enough screaming!

( Solo scream )

Now, you!

Why did you have to go
and get my gun ?

We were just going to
give you a hot meal.

We weren't gonna
do anything.

All right, Mr.
listen to me.

There's nothing
to worry about,

it's okay.
I know you're scared.

Watch me, I'm the guy
to talk to.

I'm not touching
my gun, you see me,

my hand is
not on my gun.

No, no, no!

Now, stay focused,

it's gonna be okay.

You can do this,
we're all friends here.

We're all friends,
drop the gun.

Come on, give me the gun!
You can do it.

Give me the gun.
Look a u.F.O.!

( Applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.
There's nothing to see here.

Now... all right, Mr.

We've got a place
for people like you,

it's called a
"big gray cell."

Take him away!

I'm sorry.
That's all right.

Get over here,
you scum bag!

Thank you!

Good work,
officer caroll.

Thank you very much,
just doin' my job.

Well, I'm impressed.

Thank you.

Our hero.

No need to
thank me.

No need to thank me.

Why don't you take the mayor's
wife out for a little lunch ?

Come on,
you deserve it.

Come on,
get out of here.

You guys have done a great job.
Thanks for watching.

You can sleep
safe in amity.

Love those guys, whew!

What a nice group of women.
That small town morality.

You just can't find
that these days.

Back so soon ?

Are you ever
off duty ?

As a matter
of fact, I am.

But not right now.

I had three more
complaints about

that peeping Tom
last night.

( Music plays )

Yes, but good news, got a
little further on that sketch.

Take a look.

Ah!
Ah!
Ah!

See, big differences. Now it'll
be a lot easier to find.

Well, that will
certainly help.

Yep!
I know.

Never knew I had
such a flair for art.

Captain!

Shhh!

Captain, what are
you doing here ?

What are you
doing here ?

What's with the
donut outfit ?

Camouflage.
I'm an eclair.

Listen, I came here to warn
you about that Mary Mae.

She's the best
they've got. I.N.S.

Immigration ?

I mean I.B.M.

Oh computers ?

I mean I.F.S.

Banking ?

You know,
internal affairs.

( Together )
Oh, right.

Tell me that you've closed
down the whole operation,

and put away
the contraband ?

I'd love to tell you that
but that's a lie.

She's not that hot.

Not at all.
No. We've got it covered.

We have a plan.

She can't even got to the
bathroom without everyone
knowing exactly where she is.

That's right.

A peephole ?
No. Listen.

( Intercom ) Thelma:
Oh Mae to the lunch room.

Oh Mae to the lunch room.

Pretty nifty, huh ?

Quick hide!
Hide!

Gentlemen...

We were just leaving.

No. I was just looking
for the two of you.

I think---

right here.
Here we are.

I think they've made a terrible
mistake about this department.

There's nothing fishy
going on here.

Nothing at all.

No. Not at all.

By the book,
that's our motto.

That's all right.
It's fine.

Good, we're just trying
to be good cops.

The best.

You are both fine
police officers.

Exemplary.

Thanks. You know
you've got to stop.

In fact, I want to do
something special for you.

I don't know what yet...

I just want you to know
I'm planning something.

Great!
Wonderful!

Thank you so much.

You're a real sweetheart.
A real pal.

Hamilton,
get back to work.

David, go home,
get some sleep.

( Yawns )
Get some z's

that's an order.

That was close.

I'm telling you
she knows something.

She can't!
It's not possible!

Listen, you've got to
close down the operation.

Well, we can't do that.
We're less than a week
away from the squad car.

We'd let the girls
down terribly.

It's too dangerous.

Well, I think
she's an M&M.

Huh ?

You know, hard on the outside,
soft and squishy on the outside.

You're playing with fire.

No I'm not.

Besides, think of
it this way.

I don't think this has anything
to do with the investigation
on the department.

I think it has to do with
that little affair you had
with Mrs. Davies.

Oh, you think
it's personal ?

It would sure
explain things.

I was going to workout
before my shower.

Would you like
to join me ?

Well you know i---

I think you should
workout with me.

We can work
on my pecs.

Well you know I was going to
take a nap. I'm kind of tired.

Is that an invitation ?

Well you know---

what the hell do you
think you're doing ?

Why don't you go home
and take a cold shower.

It's easy to see which
one of us he prefers.

You know to tell you
the truth I'm not---

you better get out of here
before I knock your lights out.

No ladies, please.

I'd like to see
you try.

Ladies, ladies,
please I've---

come on!

( All yelling )

You guys are best friends
let's not forget that.

Not any more!

( Yelling continues )

You slut!
You bitch!

Stop it!
Hey! Hey!

What are you doing
with your hands ?

What does it matter ?
There's no place where
hands haven't been put!

( Yelling begins )

We can't have brawling
in the police station.

Not with the
new captain.

If you guys want to fight,
you do it in the ring.

Let's go.

I will see you tomorrow.
You'll bet eating out of
a straw.

We'll see about that.

I'm, you know--
this has never happened to me.

This is your
fault, man.

No I did nothing.

What kind of aftershave
do you use ?
You're dust.

Brut.

I gotta get
some.

By fabrougette.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome one, welcome all,

to the greatest fight
you've ever seen.

We have three rounds
of championship boxing.

Now weighing in at 120 pounds,

the former miss America
runner up,

the champ...
Miss Casey Williams.

( Crowd cheering )

Lisa:
You're gonna be great, kid.
You're gonna be great.

And in the other corner,

which would be over here,

the very talented
and lovely lady

who happens to be miss America
third runner up,

ladies and gentlemen
weighing in at...

112.
Ah, I see.

Weighing in at 112 pounds,
former miss America runner up,

second runner up.

Miss Lacey Andrews.

( Crowd cheering )

You're fucking dead!

All right. All right.
Everybody back to your corners.

Back to your corners.

All right, let's
come in, ladies.

Leave the robe.
Leave the robe.

All right.

Now... I want a good
clean fight here, kids.

I don't want to see any raw
punches to the head.

Like this.

Or any jabs to the
stomach, like this.

All right ?

Now let's have some fun, kids.

Dead meat.

Go for it.

Great. Great. Great.
Let's start the fight!

( Bell rings )

Watch out. A little low there.
A little low.

All right. All right
let's break it up.

One...

Two...

Three.
( Bell rings )

Okay. Back to your ring.

I can't see nothing
out of my eye.

Your going to have
to cut me, Lisa.

You look bad. I think we
should stop the fight.

No. Cut the goddamn eye.

But watch the eyebrow,
I just waxed it.

No. It's not worth it.

Cut the eye.

( Crowd gasps )

( Bell rings )

All right.

Okay. Good fight.
Good fight.

And the winner by
a knock out...

Casey.

( Crowd hoots & hollers )

Hey!

You guys
yourselves again ?

( Together )
Yeah.

Isn't that cute.

Have you seen
Marty ?

We kinda want to apologize
for all we put him through
the last few days.

Yeah I understand.

You have been big
troublemakers.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry to me.
I don't care.

I'm not the one who was standing
there watching you guys fight
it out.

Anyway, I'll let him
know you're looking for him.

Oh, no need.
We have a surprise for him.

Oh, really ?

Oh wait. In that case,
third cell on the left.

All right. Shhh!
Be very quiet.

We're gonna make a real
cop out of you.

Who told you
it was my birthday ?

Hey what are you guys doing ?

( Laughing & talking )

Good morning, all.

( Together )
Good morning, captain.

As I told you
originally,

I was brought in here
to turn this department around.

And as I told you
more recently,

I didn't think there
was a need to.

She's a good lady.

The reason there's
no need to,

is because this entire
department is about to
be dissolved.

( Gasping )

And each and every one of you
is going to be...

...dismissed!

( Gasping )

Wait a second.

What are you
talking about ?

We didn't do
anything wrong.

I think turning a police station
into a house of ill repute,

is despicable.

Repute... what ?

No. Ill repute.
Ill repute.

Ill repute, captain.
What are you talking about ?

I didn't want to believe it.

I wanted to believe
that you were good cops.

That you care about
your community.

( All talking together )
We care, we care.

This tape...

Has a prostitute playing
bucking bronco

with a John in this police
station's investigation room.

( Laughing )

I can't believe it. She hid the
goddamn cameras in the plants.

This one, has a
prominent businessman

making a sizable donation
to this department

after an hour in a cell
screaming "oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god."

( Together )
Oh, my god.

And this one...

Has three police officers.

Two females and one male,

in one of our holding cells
having intimate knowledge
of each other.

Could I get a copy
of that ?

And I know you are behind
all this sin and decadence.

That you are the kingpin
of this operation.

And I will see that you
are treated accordingly.

Now, go clear out your
desk and lockers.

The mayor will be here soon
to serve you your papers.

Hold on a second.

I have something I want
to say to all of you.

As far as I'm concerned
you're all great cops.

Thank you.

Regardless of what the
department has to say.

I just want to tell you,

I've been doing this
for many, many years,

every time I try to get out,

they suck me right back in!

All right, get out of here.

Marty:
I'm gonna tell my mom.

( Growls )

I bet you really
enjoyed that.

Just doing my job.

Just doing my job.
Well, I got news for you,

we didn't do anything wrong
and you know it.

You broke the law.

Broke the law.
Yeah, great.

Come on. Prostitution is the
oldest profession on this
planet.

Besides the fact that it's
a victimless crime.

But it's still
a crime in this city.

Yeah, it is.

But I want you to think about
something for a minute.

The fact that we are helping
these ladies.

They're hookers, yes granted.

However they're going
to be hookers

either way you look at it.

So, we help them out.

We give 'em a head start.
We get them off the streets

and doing something they never
thought they could do.

Carrie is going back to school
to become a lawyer.

Bambi, she's going to become
a crossing guard.

I mean they're doing things with
their lives for a change.

But it's still against
the law.

Okay, I'll give you that.
It's against the law.

But we all break the law.

I mean, come on.
You know we speed.

We cut those little tags off
our pillows that we're not
supposed to.

I still have the tags
on my pillows.

You would.

You know what it is ?

You need something that
you haven't had

in a really, really
long time.

You see the truth
of the matter is,

what you need is something that
is not only physical,

but is emotional.

You need to learn how to feel.

You know they really do
know how to hurt a guy.

But I'm a cop.

I'm always a cop first.

Uh-huh. Well so am I.

So much so,
that I don't go anywhere...

( Zipper unzipping )

...without my badge.

You think you're so hot.

That you're the only one
devoted to your job.

Well... you are not
the only one.

My god!

Oh, god. He must still be down
there with the old maid.

( Sighs )

Oh, my god.

She must really be
cutting his balls off.

The poor bastard.

The mayor's here!
The mayor's here!

The mayor's here!

Oh, yeah!

( Alarm sounds )
Oh no!

Thelma on intercom:
The mayor's here!

Shit! Get up! Quick!

Mrs. D:
Darling I really think you're
doing the wrong thing here.

The people of tis town want
their police force

to be as moral
and ethical as they are.

We will not be protected from
the filth by filth.

Where's captain Mary Mae ?

I don't know, she must still
be in the lunch room.

Where's my dress ?
Where's my skirt ?

Give me your pants.

Gotch ya!

Got you all!

What you all have done
to this department...

Is beyond reprehensible.

It's a disgrace to
our community,

our culture...

And the fine people
who pay your salaries.

Oh, I will take great
pleasure...

In seeing that you're replaced
by officers of high moral
integrity

and that you're
all properly punished!

Save it for the podium.

Yeah!
You lost our votes!

Prisoners are not
allowed to vote!

Captain Mae!

I can explain.

The news team will
be here any minute,

to put all of this--
this whole thing on
the six o'clock news.

And you! Head of vice...

Clean out your desk!

You know mayor,
I think we can work this out.

These men and women have learned
the error of their ways.

And I think we should
give them another chance.

Oh, really ? That's not
what you were saying

when we were viewing
that tapes!

Well, see,
things have changed.

Officer caroll has presented
a very hard argument.

And I really think that
you should hear---

god oh mighty! It's like
an epidemic around here!

You take those off!

I mean--- well---

change! Change!

I have changed.

I don't see how!

You guys stop leering
at my wife!

I will sue you all!

You leaches!

I didn't know about the cameras,
or I would have told you.

I feel awful.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know, it's not even the fact
that I got fired that I'm upset
about.

It's not even the fact
that we have to go

take this entire department
in front of a jury

and talk about
our dirty laundry.

That's not even what it is.

You know what it is ?

What ?

The fact that we're never going
to catch that peeping Tom.

We were so close.
We were this close you know ?

It just drives me crazy.

I feel like...

There's just one
more thing.

Just one more thing!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Good god! Great scots!

By George, look!

( Gasps )

( Gasps )

Huh ?

( Gasps )

Keep packing! I want you
out of here in an hour!

( Laughing & snickering )

What ? What ?

What ?

David:
Well, Mr. Mayor, sir.

What ? What ?

( All talking together )

Naughty, naughty.

Shame, shame,
shame.

Well, Mr. Mayor...

Look familiar ?

I bet it does.

Because it's is the face
that you see every morning

when you look
in the mirror.

There must be
some mistake.

Oh yeah. You know what
the mistake is ?

You!

( Stuttering )
May-maybe we can
work something out.

Yeah. I've got a bone
to pick with you.

Nice legs.

Don't try to butter me up
by being nice!

All right, then.

Take him where
the sun don't shine.

Third cell on the left.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

See ya!

Gotta go!

Call my attorney.

( Cheering )

Everybody, I'd like
to officially welcome
lieutenant Mary Mae.

( Applause )

Very nice.
Very nice. Thank you.

She's going to be leaving
internal affairs

and joining us
as our new head of vice.

Wow!
All right!

Where the hell's
Clifford anyway ?

Well it seems the boy
had to turn in his badge.

Well, as of today,

officer caroll will be
my new right-hand man.

( Applause )

And officer Hamilton will be
my new left-hand man.

( Applause )

Well, anyway, just remember
what I've always said...

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

A good-- a good, uh,
there's nothing like a good--

right-hand--
hand-- job--

no, a man...
Man job ?

You said it was
a hand job.

I'm mean a right-hand man--
the job for a right-hand man.

The job for
a right-hand man.

I've got to call
my agent.

Time for lunch.

I'm going for lunch.
Corey, end this thing.

Good job, mate.