Burnzy's Last Call (2022) - full transcript
Set almost entirely inside a dive bar in Manhattan, New York City, known as a "gin joint" or a "watering hole", the regular patrons at Eppine's Bar attempt to cope with the homogenizing world around them as they struggle with personal and political identity as the rest of the city slowly gives into gentrification while the place stands as the last battleground for individualism. Centering on the bartender Sal, and the elderly regular Burnzy, they witness and interact with various people that walk into the bar on this one long day whom include businessmen, college kids, a local bookie, a local cop, a drag queen, an abrasive gambler, annoying tourists, a kind yuppie woman, an alcoholic artist, and many others.
In nature,
a watering hole is like a local tavern
or pub.
Sooner or later, residents from all over
the neighborhood end up there.
Most come to drink.
Others to hunt.
Some are just passing through.
And others come to linger.
This is the story of one particular
watering hole
in downtown Manhattan.
(raunchy blues music)
♪ Oh oh ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Spook dogs is growling ♪
♪ Stormy night and I can't sleep ♪
♪ Morning and a howling ♪
♪ Bones is all that's left of me. ooo ooo ♪
♪ ooo ooo ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Bad people slow me ♪
♪ Sold a beggar to a snake oil show ♪
♪ Got no ones to hold me ♪
♪ Mama's dead and I don't know. woohoo ♪
♪ I gotta holler ohh ♪
♪ All night long ♪
- He tells me he wants
to bring this girl over
to our parents house for dinner
I said, "Okay big deal"
He says but she's black, but not too black.
I say, "All right, how black?"
He goes, "She looks Spanish or Italian".
I say "Fuck it, bring her over".
So anyway, he shows up
with this girl, right?
She is black as night.
Nobody says nothing through
the whole dinner, you know?
You know me Sal, I'm not prejudiced.
I don't give a shit what people are.
Just pissed he fucking lied to me.
Russell!
Burnzy! Sally!
Uh oh, here we go.
I dream of Genie with the pomade hair.
Sally, can I buy these
boys a delicious cocktail?
Having an early lunch, Russell?
No, a late breakfast,
following through to lunch.
I'll have a Dewars and soda..
Yeah. All right. How much?
I've been a CPA, that's a Certified
Public Accountant, for over 20 years
now, and I just can't imagine
how the guy does it.
I deal with numbers all day long,
but once I'm done, that's it.
It all washes away, with a little help.
Well, it takes a special kind of guy
to be a bookie who don't use paper.
It's a gift.
Eugene is gifted.
-Shut the fuck up!
No, not you, asshole.
- Good afternoon.
May I have a very, very
dry Tanqueray martini,
May I have a very, very
dry Tanqueray martini,
straight up.
Two olives and just wave the Vermouth
And may I also have some water?
Pepe little man, what's wrong?
You're not paying attention.
Sit.
Now you're paying attention.
Sal.
How can you stand her?
That rat dog on the bar.
- So I let her bring her dog
in, what's the big deal?
She's out of her mind.
And you got a clean bill of mental health
Eugene?
You're a softie Sal. Patience of a saint.
What do you care, Gene?
She don't bother nobody.
Unlike yourself.
- You know, you should think
about changing your lifestyle a little.
Smokin, drinkin. Think
about a career change.
You could lose a few pounds.
- I do all right.
I'm gonna get my weight down
when I was in the service.
- You was in the service?
- Hell yeah.
- Coast Guard.
- The Coast Guard?
(men laughing)
- Fuck you.
What the fuck do you guys do huh?
What the fuck have you ever do huh?
Goddam coast kept you safe.
You didn't even know it man.
- I did four years in the Air Force
and two years in the
north motherfucking pole.
- No way.
- Hell yes.
57 to 59.
I counted every fucking day.
They sent all the bad niggers
and fuck ups to the north pole
The great white north
with little black dots.
Man you never seen cats more out of place
than them brothers up there.
The weather is for you snow monkeys.
Black man is made for the equator.
(men laughing)
(blues guitar music)
- Hey Burnzy, Sal.
I take a Finlandia martini straight up,
better yet just throw it
on me and light a match.
Burnzy get ready to call 911,
this is gonna be front page suicide.
How do you like that Sal?
Your bar all over the cover of the Post.
Cop Snaps - Torches Himself in Gin Mill.
(Burnzy laughing)
You know, forget the martini,
I'll just take a beer.
And put a collar on it,
I want a little foam on my nose.
So I get a call for cardiac arrest
over at the karate school on Lafayette.
I get there before the EMS guys.
There's a guy turned blue.
Now he's alive, he's awake,
but he's had a heart attack.
You know, he's talking, he's
a young guy, he's my age.
So the EMS guys show up.
Now there's this one asshole EMS guy.
I mean, he's a bodybuilder, you know,
with the short hair and a
ponytail, you know what I mean?
A real freak.
So he's talking to the blue guy,
the guy's got an irregular heartbeat.
So the EMS guy takes out the paddles
to start to give them a shock.
I said, "Wait a minute,
you can't shock him."
"This guy's awake."
"Aren't you to suppose to do that"
"only if you don't got a pulse?"
So the ponytail says, "He's
got an irregular heartbeat."
"This will help straighten it out
and it's procedure "so back off".
Everybody backs off.
They give him a shot with the paddles
and bang he's fucking dead.
- Jesus Christ.
- Bang, they hit them again.
Again,
again.
Now the bodybuilder's sweating,
'cause he's fucked up big time
and I'm standing right there.
So I had to radio his supervisor.
Think this guy is whacked on steroids.
- Jesus Christ, that stupid bastard.
- I think it's crazy anyone
who would wanna live here,
instead of the country.
- Well then again, serial
killers all live in the country.
You live next to a guy.
He looks normal driving his pickup.
His front lawn is all manicured.
Next thing you know, he's in the news.
There's 20 little kids
buried under his house.
You know what I mean?
Now that could never happen in New York.
- You're absolutely right Burnzy.
- Get out of here.
- No, I'm serious, you know why?
'Cause we have Supers.
The building Supers are so fucking nosy.
The first body you got
rid of they’d turn you in.
Sniffing around the garbage.
Hey there's body parts in that hefty bag.
Looks like it's from 3F.
Call the cops.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Believe me the real freaks
live out in the country.
- Well I gotta clock out now.
( rhythm and blues guitar music )
How you doing?
- What's your name?
- Sal.
- Sal?
(everyone laughing)
My name is Gertrude.
- Gertrude.
- Could I get you something Gertrude?
- Yes please.
Cappuccino please.
- Sure.
Coming right up.
You want cinnamon or chocolate on that?
- Cinnamon.
Could I have a Coca-Cola too please?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(speaking in a foreign language)
Can I have a beer also please?
(rhythm and blues music)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- I knew it was too good to be true.
- I don't care.
I'm in love with her, warts and all.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(rhythm and blues music)
- Sal?
(laughing)
Sal.
I have to be leaving now.
(rhythm and blues music)
- So I says to her don't you eva,
eva put your friggin hands on him again.
- She is such a pig.
- Ladies.
- I'll have a vodka diet Coke.
- I don't know what I want,
make hers first, I got to think about it.
- God, you never know what you want.
- So I'm careful.
- Order a drink, put a condom on it.
We're paying separate.
- I'll have a Bay Breeze.
- Don't make them.
- You can't make me a Bay Breeze?
- I don't have any pineapple.
- All right, I'll have a Pina Colada.
- [Sal] Nope.
- You know how to make
a sex on the beach Sal?
-hmmmm
OK.
Give me a draft, light.
- All of that for a beer?
Are you going to do this at Club Med?
'Cause let me tell you,
if you try to pull this
at Club Med, this is how far
you're gonna get with me.
- This guy is sitting in this joint
and this babe walks in,
sits right across from him.
He buys her a drink, they talk.
He says, "My wife doesn't
like having sex with me.
"She thinks I'm too kinky".
So the babe says, "Wow what a coincidence",
"My husband thinks I'm too kinky too.
"We never have sex anymore.
"I'm just dying to have some".
He says, "Great, let's
go back to your place"
So they go back to her place,
he's laying on her bed.
She says, "I'll be back in a minute".
So she goes into the bathroom,
she puts on all this leather gear,
handcuffs, a bullwhip, high
heels, everything right?
She comes out of the bathroom
and the guy's dressed.
She says, "How come you're dressed?"
He goes, "Hey, I just fucked your poodle,
"shit in your pocket
book and I'm outta here".
- He met some slut at
a bar on the East side
and he goes home to her place
and they're laying around drinking wine
and he sees she's got a fireplace.
So to make it more romantic,
he goes out to buy some firewood
at the Koreans around the corner.
Something he would never
do for me, of course,
but for one night with some whore,
he goes out to get the firewood.
He's a little drunk.
He starts back to her apartment,
ready to set the mood.
And he can't remember
what apartment building.
- It serves him right.
- So wait, that's not all.
He came over to my apartment,
drunk and stunned with
an armful of firewood.
I don't have a fireplace.
He was in shock.
(friend laughing)
Wouldn't let go of the wood.
(men laughing)
- You got the hockey game on?
- There's no hockey on now.
- Channel 21 my friend, exhibition match.
Bruins versus the Ruskies.
- You're betting on exhibition hockey?
- Start me a tab will ya?
- No tabs.
- Sal, Sal, more ice over here,
I wanna cut a deal with you.
We come in right?
Bring in the boys.
Have a few drinks, have a good time.
Then, you know,
I put a C note on the bar.
Everything's taken care of.
You do what you want with it,
boss doesn't have to
know, everybody's happy.
- Can't do it Minsk.
- What's the matter?
Make it up as you go along.
- I do that anyway.
- This is why Minsky is the
big bucks guy that he is.
He hustles bartenders, old ladies.
Cripples.
- Think about it Sal.
Think about it.
(hockey game announcers)
-Shit.
- Man I got a yard on this with Eugene,
I'm fucked if this goes under.
No, no, no, no.
Unbelievable.
No.
Time is on my side.
This is Luke we're talking about.
Luke, does not go down easy.
- Hockey stinks on ice.
- Life is a lot like hockey.
It's like you watch them
fight and scramble around
for this puck that nobody
can see half the time.
It's fast like life.
It happens and you don't see it coming.
You fight like crazy,
hustling and bang, checked
against the boards.
Woof, stick in the ribs, goal.
It's very fast, very violent
and very exciting.
- And very stupid.
Baseball pally.
A gentleman's game with a history.
Baseball.
- Baseball's for pussies,
it's boring.
(hockey game announcers)
- Shit.
It's over.
Hey man, you are one of my bad luck charm.
Sal, if Eugene shows up,
you haven't seen me, okay?
- You were never here.
- And you didn't see me neither.
- What makes you think I care?
- I'll catch you next time, Sal, okay?
- Yeah right.
- Tight wad.
50 cents.
Now you'll be able to buy that newspaper
you always wanted Sal.
That guy is no good, no good.
It’s like water off a duck's back.
A chump is a chump.
♪ Jazzy piano music ♪
- I told him, take me to the prom,
or fuck me on the first date,
but make up your fucking mind.
- I don't know Kevin.
It sounds like you're
getting reamed on this one.
- Hey, what is it?
Tommy, Joey, Billy?
- Frank.
- Frank.
- Vodka stinger, Sambuca,
beans on the side okay?
- [Sal] You got beans in
the inside of your head.
- Get a fucking personality pal.
- Kevin, come on.
What's your gut feeling
about the deal with this guy?
- My gut feeling is not a gut feeling.
It's a feeling in my ass
and I'm getting fucked.
-Why don't you fuck him in the ass first?
-I don't have the grease.
- [Minsky] Where's my fucking money?
- Minsky.
How are you doing, man?
We were just talking about you.
Weren't we just talking?
I was just telling her about you.
This is Danny, my friend Danny.
- Hi Danielle. - What the fuck happened?
- What happened?
That's a good question.
We're all losing our ass a little bit,
but listen, just hold on,
take it easy, take it easy.
You didn't lose your money.
First of all, let me give
you a little philosophy.
I'm trying to make you some money.
Stock is not something that
you're gonna lose your money.
It's there.
It's a piece of fucking paper.
It's a, what's a metaphor?
Give me a metaphor.
- It's a garden.
- It's a fucking garden.
You put the seed in, you leave it there.
You don't fucking check
the fucking seed every day,
to see how the fucking corn's
gonna grow two inches.
- You gotta let it grow.
- You let it grow and all of a sudden
in a fucking year you go,
you got an ear of corn.
You got a whole fucking garden.
Now let me tell you.
- What's you say?
You said three months.
- The Hong Kong thing.
I gave him the Hong Kong railroad.
You got how many fucking
Chinese are there?
Billions of fucking people
riding around on bicycles.
They're gonna build a railway.
I got you a blue fuckin chip stock man,
in 10 years that thing's
going to make you,
that's like CBS.
It's it's $10.
I got him $10 in the fucking share.
- It's not a cash machine.
- You don't put the card in.
- The fucking thing's gonna
be in a couple of years
a 300, it's a blue, do you
know what a blue chip stock is?
- I know what a blue chip stock is.
- A blue chip stock, that's what you got.
Where are my beans?
I said beans on the side.
- Two New Amsterdams please.
- Got ID fellas?
- I don't got mine with me.
- It's all right, forget it.
Five dollars
- Thanks man.
I love this place, man.
It's such a dive you know?
- Yeah.
- Quite a crowd tonight.
I'm waiting for someone.
If he doesn't get here soon,
I'm going to skitdaddle.
This is 200 Thompson Street, right?
- Right.
- I just wanna make sure
I'm in the right place.
My name's Jackie.
- Sal.
- I used to bartend.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
Those guys are pretty scary.
- It's the hair club for men.
(Jackie laughing)
- So what else do you do besides tend bar?
Are you an actor or musician?
- This is it.
- Well that's OK. I
ah.. I didn't mean to...
- You don't have to do anything else.
It's just, you know, when I was doing it,
I couldn't wait to get out,
the people, the hours,
the booze, you know?
The money's good, but you really earn it.
I'm waiting for a friend I
haven't seen in a long time,
I'm nervous.
- Two shots of Jagermeister please.
- [Minsky] Three months.
- Hold on, hold on. Shh shh.
- You got your money.
Do me a favor, don't sell this stock.
Leave it.
I am gonna make you so much fucking,
you wanna take a flyer?
- What have you got?
- All right.
I got a stock.
This is almost like you
read in the fucking paper.
Inside information.
I can lose my ass on this, but listen.
-You gotta keep this under.
- I got a stock.
It's a natural gas.
It's a Canadian stock.
They're building a pipeline
from fucking Toronto
all the way across Canada.
Now look, you read the
papers, California's in shit.
The whole fucking state,
riots, earthquakes.
- Fires.
- Fires, droughts,
The whole thing.
It's an energy crisis.
What they're gonna do
is they're gonna start
shipping natural gas from Canada.
They're gonna fucking
fund the whole energy
of California on this one gas line.
I got at $5.
It's a, what is it, $5?
- Five dollars?
- Five fifty..
I guarantee in a year it's gonna be $20.
I'm putting what, 30,000?
What did you put in?
- You sold your co-op.
- I sold my fucking co-op.
Look, I'll tell you something right now.
When the broker puts his own money in,
you know, it's a fucking sure deal.
- We go to school at NYU and
live at the dorms over there.
- College boys.
What are you studying to be bankers?
- No, no, film.
- Film?
- What kind of jobs can
you get from the film?
You will run a one hour a photo?
- No.
We make movies.
- So you going to be movie stars huh?
Like Victor Mature?
- No directors.
- I aint been to the movies in a while,
used to go all the time,
Westerns mostly.
Go see the Duke.
Hank Fonda.
In My Darling Clementine.
- John Ford.
- Huh?
- He directed it, John Ford.
- Oh yeah?
Well what do you know, I didn't know that.
I guess school pays off huh?
- This place has a story on every stool.
You take that stoll you're sitting on,
Now that's the stool where Sniffy Barnes
keeled over and died after one drink.
Last drink.
Now here's a guy who's a no
good souse all his life.
Every day he'd drink a
rot gut whiskey and beer,
day in and day out.
So finally he gets religion
and he starts to stop drinking.
For six months, he goes to church.
He's good to his wife and kids,
puts on clean clothes,
shows up at work on time.
One night, we come down here
and he decides he wants to go with us,
but he's not drinking.
Just tomato juice.
So we have a few and
he's starting to sweat.
We ain't paying much
attention, drinking our beers.
So he figures, I'll have a Bloody Mary.
What the hell, it aint the rot gut stuff
he's used to drinking.
And he won't even taste the vodka.
So the bartender sets him up,
knocks back the Bloody Mary and whammo.
He hits the floor like a
ton of bricks, stone dead,
massive coronary or something.
- Whoa.
Man.
- That's what they say,
but you know what I think
killed Sniffy Barnes?
- What?
- The quota.
- The quota?
- Everybody's got a quota
as to how many drinks
you can have in a lifetime.
Sniffy Barnes drank his quota.
If he'd stayed in the straight narrow,
he'd probably be alive today.
He just had one drink over the line.
- What about your quota?
- Well that's why I have short beers.
Chipping away.
Takes longer.
Guys like Sniffy are pigs,
drinking up as much as they can.
Not knowing how close they're getting.
I think I just have a little time yet.
But you never know.
- Think about it.
Think about it.
I wanna make you some money,
but think about it.
- How much?
- Think about it.
Think about it.
- How much?
Well, how much?
- I don't know.
I'd put in 20 at least.
- I'll put three.
- Three?
- Put in five, come on, write out a check.
I wanna make you some money, I feel bad.
- You got a pen?
You fucking children are gonna thank me.
Just write out for five thousand dollars
I'm gonna quadruple your fucking money.
- How does this thing work?
5,000 in three months,
I guarantee you're going to have $20,000
and then you're going to be coming here
and you're gonna be buying me drinks
from Mr fucking personality.
What's $5,000 to you?
- $5000 to me?
- You're going to make
a lot of money.
I'm kidding you man.
Don't ever lose your sense
of humor Minsky, okay?
Come on, I'm
gonna make you a lot of money.
I promise.
- Trust him.
- Trust me Minsky.
I'm gonna make you money.
All right, take it easy.
[Minsky] You make me sick.
I'm going to make your money
you bald headed, cock sucking Jew.
Oh.
- Who from?
- The hair club president.
- A note too, getting kind
of high school around here.
If your date don't show,
I could fill in for him?
Tell him thanks but no thanks.
- So what'd she say?
- She said, "Thanks but no thanks".
- Stuck up bitch, fuck her. Fuck her.
- You're a smooth Minsky.
Why don't you show her your money clip?
- Sal, give her this, give her this.
- Why don't you take the hint Minsk?
- Give her this, give her this.
- Why don't you give it to yourself?
- Cause it's Sal's job.
- Go to the fucking post office.
Does he look like a fucking post man?
He's a bartender.
- Oh really?
Then can we have another round bartender?
- Burnzy.
- What's the matter
Francis, what's the matter?
Just calm down and tell me.
- Them kids pushed me.
My bike's gone now with all my stuff.
- All right, don't worry Francis,
we'll get the bike back.
Sal would you do me a favor?
- Ahh, my Holy Bible, my eight ball juice!
- Eight ball juice?
- Yes eight ball juice.
It's inside the eight,
you know, future unclear, try again.
- Oh, I know what he's talking about.
I had one, an eight ball of course,
you ask it your future.
I had one in high school.
- Yeah no eight ball juice.
It's just a juice.
- Me and Larry will look for it.
- We will?
- What you're too busy drinking beer.
You can't help this guy out?
- All right.
What color is it?
- It's a beautiful blue bike.
- That's right.
You can't miss it.
It's a big blue tricycle
and it's got reflectors
and bumper stickers
and there's a big tool box in the back
where he keeps all his stuff.
- Wait a minute.
What if these guys still got it?
- We take it back,
what are you chickening out?
- I'm just not sure I
want to be this involved.
Shouldn't we let the cops handle it?
- So somebody robs a handicap guy
and you've got a question in your head
as to whether or not
you want to be involved?
Come on.
- Now, Francis, these boys
are gonna look for your bike.
Okay?
Now you and I will stay
here until your sister comes
and they're gonna find it all right?
- Thank you boys.
- We're on the job.
You gotta promise to give
us a ride, if we find it.
- High and low the
search begins, all right?
-Good luck fellas.
- Bartender.
I'll have a Lillet of the rocks please,
with a slice of orange.
- That's disgusting.
- Oh please.
I don't bite.
- Knock that off okay pal?
This ain't the kind of joint.
- Oh, what kind of joint is it?
- It's a man's joint.
- Well then I'm in the right place,
I'm enjoying my drinks in
a good companies of mens.
- Doesn't it break your mother's heart
to see you dressed like that?
- Honey, my mother showed
me how to dress like this.
So don't you be casting no
aspersions on my mother.
I grew up in South Philly
and I'm man enough to whip
any man's ass who talks
trash that includes my mama.
- Take it easy lady.
Take it easy.
It's a free country.
You wanna dress like a
girl, dress like a girl,
all right?
No skin off my ass.
- And a skinny ass at that.
(old school hip hop music )
- All right, all right.
- You got to serve somebody
And baby you just been serv-ed.
You guys, you gonna
let this lipstick wearing
You know what I'm gonna have to do
if you say that word, huh?
-What word? What word?
-Everything alright down here?
- I'm good. I'm good.
Couple drinks. This is
good. Just need some drinks.
Another round Sal OK?
And you drinkin?
Yeah whatever um...
-Marla.
-Marla wants.
- I'll have a Lillet on the rocks
with a slice of orange please.
(old school hip hop music )
- How are you Sal, you old teetotaller?
Let me have a
Vodka.
You look tired man.
Why don't you let me buy you a drink?
No?
I'm buying.
♪ No cocktails for Sally ♪
♪ Whoa whoa... whoa whoa... whoa whoa ♪
Hey Burnzy is this your escort tonight?
You get around pretty good for a tin can
eating old goat.
She's a lovely girl.
Maybe Burnzy here's your father figure.
Most likely though her grandfather figure.
(Andre laughing)
- Knock it off Andre, please.
- Would you like to see my etchings?
There just back in my lair
and it's just a short stumble from here.
- Thank you no, I've got a good idea
what they're probably all about.
- Pathetic lush.
Burnzy, ever vigilant and forthright
yes protecting all.
But your time is passing.
You are getting old old man
and who will take your
burden when you're gone?
Who will carry the torch
for Burnzy?
Perhaps Sal.
Would you believe,
that there was a time when I... me... I,
used to take his pissed-in pants off.
He was positively incontinent,
clean him up, put him in bed.
Tilt his head over to the side
so he wouldn't suffocate
on his own puke.
But I got one question for you, Sally.
How the hell can you work in a bar
when you don't drink anymore?
I mean, Jesus Christ.
We all gotta make a living,
but this is ridiculous.
What's the fucking deal Sally?
You know what I want Sal?
I want your drink.
The one you break your pledge with.
The one when you're all alone,
and nobody's gonna find out,
give me your drink Sally.
I'll give you my fucking drink.
Have a drink Andre.
Knock yourself out.
- What's the matter Andre?
Did you have something else in mind?
-Ira
You have just got to let me
do something with that rug.
It's a train wreck of hair piece.
- What do you mean hair piece?
This ain't a rug.
- Oh baby, honey, please.
If that ain't a rug, then
I'm General Colin Powell.
- Oh my God.
Secret's out.
Ira's wearing a wig.
Oh, baby, I can
I could whip that racoon in the shape
if you let me.
You know, if there's one thing
in this world I know is wigs.
Well Patty LaBelle use to call me
all hours a day and night
just to get my secret of suckscess.
Now come here
Ira, don't make me chase you.
Bartender, Bartender, another Lillet please
and a round for my mens friends here.
Don't worry, baby, I learned
all my beauty skills in jail.
- Well Sal, I've been stood up.
- Well Sal, I've been stood up.
I can't believe I waited this long.
I know it better. I know it better.
Well it was nice meeting you,
I'll have to draw by next
time I'm in town, yeah?
- Are you going to be okay?
- Yeah, I'll be all right.
I'm not very good at
picking the men in my life.
- Married?
-Hmm?
- Briefly, you?
- No.
- Really?
- Why are you surprised?
- You're a mighty handsome lady.
- Thank you.
How long were you married?
- A couple of years.
Don't remember it too well.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.
- It's okay, no problem.
It's just that I really don't remember it.
It's a bit of a fog.
Days of wine and roses,
if you know what I mean.
- Got ya.
- Could I buy you drink or something?
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
[ Hair Club laughing ]
- He should take like a chain
to the bed.
You think of chaining him to the bed.
No, chain his nose here
nobody steals your nose,
you know what I mean?
Stop.
- They pick him up on satellite radar.
- He's a bag boy for
a Slovaks supermarket.
- And where do you live?
- 419 Hudson Street, apartment 4F.
New York, New York,
one zero zero three five.
- Always remember that, so
you don't get lost or nothing.
-Yeah.
- Francis.
Hi Burnzy.
Thanks for looking after him.
I hope he hasn't been a problem.
- No problem at all.
- He gets harder to keep
track of as he gets older,
you're going to be awake all
night, drinking those sodas.
What were you doing out so late?
You're supposed to come home after work.
You missed your favorite program.
- Oh Police Blotter! Ah!
- He gets around on that bike.
I worry about him, he's such a target.
I get reports of him
being up past 14th street.
- I can't believe that
anybody would bother him.
It's not like that bike
was valuable to them.
- To tell the truth, I'm
kind of glad it's gone.
He's so hard to keep track of.
- Some kids went to look for it.
- What am I gonna do with you?
Let's go home.
Maybe those boys will find your bike.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again.
- It was nice meeting you Francis.
When I'm in town, I'll do
my shopping at Slovaks.
Maybe I'll see you?
- On Police Blotter.
- Let's hope not.
- Jesus Christ Burnzy, you're still here.
- I'm still here?
What the hell you doing here?
- I go down to the station house,
I'm just about to punch my card,
when a detective from
homicide start grilling me.
So he asked me if I happen
to know a bookie on my beat,
by the name of fat Eugene Fisher.
I said, "No, I don't know
any bookie named Eugene".
Then it hits me.
Wait a minute.
That stiff over at the karate
school I was talking about,
that's the guy.
- Eugene?
- What, you know him?
- Oh Jesus.
He was here this morning.
- Wait a minute.
There's a bookie hangs out here,
and you guys don't tell me nothing?
- [Burnzy] We can't rat the guy out.
- Yeah well, he was working
as a snitch for the detective.
Well don't matter now,
it all died with him.
That EMS knucklehead shot
the life right out him.
- Oh Jesus Christ.
Well, here's to fat Eugene.
Well, here's to fat Eugene.
You're a jerk, and a chisler and a snitch.
God help you anyway.
Here here.
(glasses clinking)
- Cheers.
- Fuck him.
- Hey Sal, did you hear?
- Luke.
- Jackie, how long have you been here?
- Since 7 o'clock.
Since the time you were
supposed to meet me.
- Oh Jackie, I can explain.
I'm so sorry.
- This is just the guy
you were waiting for?
- Not you again.
Don't you ever go home?
- Yeah I can't believe it either Burnzy.
See what I mean Sal?
What is wrong with me?
- Really, Jackie,
I can explain.
Don't be mad.
A lot has happened tonight,
that you just wouldn't understand.
Come on let's go somewhere
and get a bite to eat.
I can explain over dinner.
- It's a little late, I think
I understand you pretty well.
A lot can happen in one night.
I was just on my way home, thank you.
I have a plane to catch in the morning
and it's been a very long day.
- Stay for one drink, I'm flush.
I hit it big today, my big break.
Hey Sal, set everybody up.
- I'm going home.
Goodnight Burnzy.
Night Sal.
- Hey, wait a minute, Jackie.
You don't understand.
Would you listen to me please?
See, I was into this
guy for a lot of money.
I was in serious danger
of having broken kneecaps.
As it turns out, Eugene
didn't keep any books or marks.
He kept it all in his head.
So my debt died with Eugene.
That was like a gift from God,
taking Eugene out.
- Gift from God.
Thanks Sal.
Call me sometime.
- I think your luck is changing.
- Give me a Stoli rocks Sal.
- You know, kid life is a lot like hockey,
fast, unpredictable,
you never see it coming.
Very exciting.
- Go home old man.
- Why don't you quit while you're ahead?
- One thing I never do,
is let a babe spoil a hot streak.
Another one Sal.
- You know, you're dumber
than you look pally,
letting a lady like that wait around.
That's a lucky break,
you ain't getting again.
- What's with you, man?
Is this your job here or something,
handing out free advice?
I mean you think because you're old,
you got the right to run everybody down
with your tired old philosophy huh?
I mean, if you're so God damn smart,
why don't you kicking back in
some estate in Bermuda, huh?
Why aren't you the president?
You think just because you
managed to live this long
and not get croaked that
you deserve a medal?
Huh
It's no wonder, it can't be much risk
sitting in one place the whole time.
- You'd be surprised.
- It is all about risk, it's chance.
I'm not sitting around
waiting for death to come,
I'm going to be out there face first
and if I go down in flames,
that's the chance you take
and Luke does not go
down easy my friend, no.
I got a hot streak going
and I'm wasting it here talking to you.
- Well you better get
going on that hot streak.
Wouldn't wanna see you burst
into flames right here.
- Here you go Sal.
Hey, thanks.
I told you I'd get you next time.
Hey, don't go nowhere old man,
you still got some time left.
Yeah what about it?
It's my birthday.
-[Sal] Burnzy.
Last call.
Yeah I didn't think I'd
be closing up the joint.
Haven't done that in years,
not since,
Ah never mind.
- Did you say it's your birthday?
- Yeah it's my birthday.
- Happy birthday.
Why don't you say something?
- Come on Sal, I'm 75.
Why would I?
The last time I had a
really happy birthday was,
65 years ago.
I'll never forget it.
My brother took me to the Polo Grounds,
to see the Giants play.
That game was amazing.
Giants lost, but I didn't care.
My brother saved up milk bottle caps
for three months
and got two free tickets to
take me to see the Giants.
What a guy
and he was tough too.
After the game we were walking home
and we decided to go to the Tarzan place
where all the kids hang out.
It's just outside of the stadium
in a deep gully by the Harlem River.
It was a perfect summer night.
I can smell it.
And all the kids were
swinging around on the rope
doing the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan call,
the original, not the
phony stuff you got now.
And each kid was taking a turn
and I was like the youngest guy there.
(Burnzy laughing)
And there were a couple
of creeps with slingshots
dressed like sports hanging around there.
So, my turn comes
and I swing as hard as I can,
'cause I want to show those other kids,
I may be small, but I'm tough too
and just as I get to the peak,
whack, a rock from a
slingshot, right in my back.
I fall off the knot on the
rope and I hit the ground.
And my brother's right there.
He shouts up at these sports,
standing over us on the hill
and he says, "Who did that?"
I'm crying and crying.
And the biggest guy in the group,
he looked like
Dutch Shultz or something.
He's standing there with
a sling shot and he says,
"Me, what about it?"
And my brother starts up that hill.
I can see it still
his hands, his fingers
puffed up into fists
and he walks right up to that guy,
bam, whack, bang.
(Burnzy laughing)
Everybody is stunned.
He beats the crap out of that guy.
And the wise guy's friends
won't even help him.
They're in shock.
He's getting such a whipping.
(Burnzy laughing)
Ah yeah.
My brother didn't take crap from nobody.
He was a hell of a guy.
Ain't it amazing?
You take a guy like Eugene.
I mean, nobody gives
a shit that he's dead.
He ain't dead 24 hours
and people are happy he's gone.
You know I thought that when you go,
I mean you know.
Don't mind me, I'm just a little.
Just give me my tab Sally.
- No tab Burnzy, happy birthday.
- Oh no.. its..
Thanks.
Well, better get to bed.
Just another guy crying in his beer.
(Burnzy chuckling)
See you tomorrow.
- You gonna be okay Burnzy?
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
Beat that quota one more day.
Happy birthday.
Thanks Sal.
- So long Burnzy.
♪ Like the sound of distant trumpets ♪
♪ Like the writing on the wall ♪
♪ It's the old familiar feeling ♪
♪ As the hammer starts to fall ♪
♪ Let the good times keep on rolling ♪
♪ Keep the candle burning bright ♪
♪ 'Cause the end is
near last call tonight ♪
♪ In those joints we used to frequent ♪
♪ Where the repartee is light ♪
♪ There are among those happy faces ♪
♪ You can find me every night ♪
♪ With an olive or a twist ♪
♪ And a line that's cavalier ♪
♪ Till the man declares ♪
♪ Last call is here ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ People say I've changed ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ I've been acting kind of strange ♪
♪ Yes my hearts been re-arranged ♪
♪ Life will never be the same ♪
♪ It's just not the same ♪
♪ You know I couldn't help but notice ♪
♪ Your drink is running dry ♪
♪ And that cocktail dress you're wearing ♪
♪ It really caught my eye ♪
♪ So let's order up one more drink baby ♪
♪ Let's have ourselves a ball ♪
♪ 'Cause the end is near ♪
♪ It's bottoms up my dear ♪
♪ Just one more shot and beer ♪
♪ It's gonna be last call ♪
♪ The clock on the wall ♪
♪ Is indicating last call ♪
♪ You know the curtain must fall ♪
♪ Soon as it's last call ♪
♪ Yeah we said it all ♪
♪ Last call ♪
[Burnzy] Ah, the neighborhood
ain't what it used to be.
a watering hole is like a local tavern
or pub.
Sooner or later, residents from all over
the neighborhood end up there.
Most come to drink.
Others to hunt.
Some are just passing through.
And others come to linger.
This is the story of one particular
watering hole
in downtown Manhattan.
(raunchy blues music)
♪ Oh oh ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ Spook dogs is growling ♪
♪ Stormy night and I can't sleep ♪
♪ Morning and a howling ♪
♪ Bones is all that's left of me. ooo ooo ♪
♪ ooo ooo ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Bad people slow me ♪
♪ Sold a beggar to a snake oil show ♪
♪ Got no ones to hold me ♪
♪ Mama's dead and I don't know. woohoo ♪
♪ I gotta holler ohh ♪
♪ All night long ♪
- He tells me he wants
to bring this girl over
to our parents house for dinner
I said, "Okay big deal"
He says but she's black, but not too black.
I say, "All right, how black?"
He goes, "She looks Spanish or Italian".
I say "Fuck it, bring her over".
So anyway, he shows up
with this girl, right?
She is black as night.
Nobody says nothing through
the whole dinner, you know?
You know me Sal, I'm not prejudiced.
I don't give a shit what people are.
Just pissed he fucking lied to me.
Russell!
Burnzy! Sally!
Uh oh, here we go.
I dream of Genie with the pomade hair.
Sally, can I buy these
boys a delicious cocktail?
Having an early lunch, Russell?
No, a late breakfast,
following through to lunch.
I'll have a Dewars and soda..
Yeah. All right. How much?
I've been a CPA, that's a Certified
Public Accountant, for over 20 years
now, and I just can't imagine
how the guy does it.
I deal with numbers all day long,
but once I'm done, that's it.
It all washes away, with a little help.
Well, it takes a special kind of guy
to be a bookie who don't use paper.
It's a gift.
Eugene is gifted.
-Shut the fuck up!
No, not you, asshole.
- Good afternoon.
May I have a very, very
dry Tanqueray martini,
May I have a very, very
dry Tanqueray martini,
straight up.
Two olives and just wave the Vermouth
And may I also have some water?
Pepe little man, what's wrong?
You're not paying attention.
Sit.
Now you're paying attention.
Sal.
How can you stand her?
That rat dog on the bar.
- So I let her bring her dog
in, what's the big deal?
She's out of her mind.
And you got a clean bill of mental health
Eugene?
You're a softie Sal. Patience of a saint.
What do you care, Gene?
She don't bother nobody.
Unlike yourself.
- You know, you should think
about changing your lifestyle a little.
Smokin, drinkin. Think
about a career change.
You could lose a few pounds.
- I do all right.
I'm gonna get my weight down
when I was in the service.
- You was in the service?
- Hell yeah.
- Coast Guard.
- The Coast Guard?
(men laughing)
- Fuck you.
What the fuck do you guys do huh?
What the fuck have you ever do huh?
Goddam coast kept you safe.
You didn't even know it man.
- I did four years in the Air Force
and two years in the
north motherfucking pole.
- No way.
- Hell yes.
57 to 59.
I counted every fucking day.
They sent all the bad niggers
and fuck ups to the north pole
The great white north
with little black dots.
Man you never seen cats more out of place
than them brothers up there.
The weather is for you snow monkeys.
Black man is made for the equator.
(men laughing)
(blues guitar music)
- Hey Burnzy, Sal.
I take a Finlandia martini straight up,
better yet just throw it
on me and light a match.
Burnzy get ready to call 911,
this is gonna be front page suicide.
How do you like that Sal?
Your bar all over the cover of the Post.
Cop Snaps - Torches Himself in Gin Mill.
(Burnzy laughing)
You know, forget the martini,
I'll just take a beer.
And put a collar on it,
I want a little foam on my nose.
So I get a call for cardiac arrest
over at the karate school on Lafayette.
I get there before the EMS guys.
There's a guy turned blue.
Now he's alive, he's awake,
but he's had a heart attack.
You know, he's talking, he's
a young guy, he's my age.
So the EMS guys show up.
Now there's this one asshole EMS guy.
I mean, he's a bodybuilder, you know,
with the short hair and a
ponytail, you know what I mean?
A real freak.
So he's talking to the blue guy,
the guy's got an irregular heartbeat.
So the EMS guy takes out the paddles
to start to give them a shock.
I said, "Wait a minute,
you can't shock him."
"This guy's awake."
"Aren't you to suppose to do that"
"only if you don't got a pulse?"
So the ponytail says, "He's
got an irregular heartbeat."
"This will help straighten it out
and it's procedure "so back off".
Everybody backs off.
They give him a shot with the paddles
and bang he's fucking dead.
- Jesus Christ.
- Bang, they hit them again.
Again,
again.
Now the bodybuilder's sweating,
'cause he's fucked up big time
and I'm standing right there.
So I had to radio his supervisor.
Think this guy is whacked on steroids.
- Jesus Christ, that stupid bastard.
- I think it's crazy anyone
who would wanna live here,
instead of the country.
- Well then again, serial
killers all live in the country.
You live next to a guy.
He looks normal driving his pickup.
His front lawn is all manicured.
Next thing you know, he's in the news.
There's 20 little kids
buried under his house.
You know what I mean?
Now that could never happen in New York.
- You're absolutely right Burnzy.
- Get out of here.
- No, I'm serious, you know why?
'Cause we have Supers.
The building Supers are so fucking nosy.
The first body you got
rid of they’d turn you in.
Sniffing around the garbage.
Hey there's body parts in that hefty bag.
Looks like it's from 3F.
Call the cops.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Believe me the real freaks
live out in the country.
- Well I gotta clock out now.
( rhythm and blues guitar music )
How you doing?
- What's your name?
- Sal.
- Sal?
(everyone laughing)
My name is Gertrude.
- Gertrude.
- Could I get you something Gertrude?
- Yes please.
Cappuccino please.
- Sure.
Coming right up.
You want cinnamon or chocolate on that?
- Cinnamon.
Could I have a Coca-Cola too please?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(speaking in a foreign language)
Can I have a beer also please?
(rhythm and blues music)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- I knew it was too good to be true.
- I don't care.
I'm in love with her, warts and all.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(rhythm and blues music)
- Sal?
(laughing)
Sal.
I have to be leaving now.
(rhythm and blues music)
- So I says to her don't you eva,
eva put your friggin hands on him again.
- She is such a pig.
- Ladies.
- I'll have a vodka diet Coke.
- I don't know what I want,
make hers first, I got to think about it.
- God, you never know what you want.
- So I'm careful.
- Order a drink, put a condom on it.
We're paying separate.
- I'll have a Bay Breeze.
- Don't make them.
- You can't make me a Bay Breeze?
- I don't have any pineapple.
- All right, I'll have a Pina Colada.
- [Sal] Nope.
- You know how to make
a sex on the beach Sal?
-hmmmm
OK.
Give me a draft, light.
- All of that for a beer?
Are you going to do this at Club Med?
'Cause let me tell you,
if you try to pull this
at Club Med, this is how far
you're gonna get with me.
- This guy is sitting in this joint
and this babe walks in,
sits right across from him.
He buys her a drink, they talk.
He says, "My wife doesn't
like having sex with me.
"She thinks I'm too kinky".
So the babe says, "Wow what a coincidence",
"My husband thinks I'm too kinky too.
"We never have sex anymore.
"I'm just dying to have some".
He says, "Great, let's
go back to your place"
So they go back to her place,
he's laying on her bed.
She says, "I'll be back in a minute".
So she goes into the bathroom,
she puts on all this leather gear,
handcuffs, a bullwhip, high
heels, everything right?
She comes out of the bathroom
and the guy's dressed.
She says, "How come you're dressed?"
He goes, "Hey, I just fucked your poodle,
"shit in your pocket
book and I'm outta here".
- He met some slut at
a bar on the East side
and he goes home to her place
and they're laying around drinking wine
and he sees she's got a fireplace.
So to make it more romantic,
he goes out to buy some firewood
at the Koreans around the corner.
Something he would never
do for me, of course,
but for one night with some whore,
he goes out to get the firewood.
He's a little drunk.
He starts back to her apartment,
ready to set the mood.
And he can't remember
what apartment building.
- It serves him right.
- So wait, that's not all.
He came over to my apartment,
drunk and stunned with
an armful of firewood.
I don't have a fireplace.
He was in shock.
(friend laughing)
Wouldn't let go of the wood.
(men laughing)
- You got the hockey game on?
- There's no hockey on now.
- Channel 21 my friend, exhibition match.
Bruins versus the Ruskies.
- You're betting on exhibition hockey?
- Start me a tab will ya?
- No tabs.
- Sal, Sal, more ice over here,
I wanna cut a deal with you.
We come in right?
Bring in the boys.
Have a few drinks, have a good time.
Then, you know,
I put a C note on the bar.
Everything's taken care of.
You do what you want with it,
boss doesn't have to
know, everybody's happy.
- Can't do it Minsk.
- What's the matter?
Make it up as you go along.
- I do that anyway.
- This is why Minsky is the
big bucks guy that he is.
He hustles bartenders, old ladies.
Cripples.
- Think about it Sal.
Think about it.
(hockey game announcers)
-Shit.
- Man I got a yard on this with Eugene,
I'm fucked if this goes under.
No, no, no, no.
Unbelievable.
No.
Time is on my side.
This is Luke we're talking about.
Luke, does not go down easy.
- Hockey stinks on ice.
- Life is a lot like hockey.
It's like you watch them
fight and scramble around
for this puck that nobody
can see half the time.
It's fast like life.
It happens and you don't see it coming.
You fight like crazy,
hustling and bang, checked
against the boards.
Woof, stick in the ribs, goal.
It's very fast, very violent
and very exciting.
- And very stupid.
Baseball pally.
A gentleman's game with a history.
Baseball.
- Baseball's for pussies,
it's boring.
(hockey game announcers)
- Shit.
It's over.
Hey man, you are one of my bad luck charm.
Sal, if Eugene shows up,
you haven't seen me, okay?
- You were never here.
- And you didn't see me neither.
- What makes you think I care?
- I'll catch you next time, Sal, okay?
- Yeah right.
- Tight wad.
50 cents.
Now you'll be able to buy that newspaper
you always wanted Sal.
That guy is no good, no good.
It’s like water off a duck's back.
A chump is a chump.
♪ Jazzy piano music ♪
- I told him, take me to the prom,
or fuck me on the first date,
but make up your fucking mind.
- I don't know Kevin.
It sounds like you're
getting reamed on this one.
- Hey, what is it?
Tommy, Joey, Billy?
- Frank.
- Frank.
- Vodka stinger, Sambuca,
beans on the side okay?
- [Sal] You got beans in
the inside of your head.
- Get a fucking personality pal.
- Kevin, come on.
What's your gut feeling
about the deal with this guy?
- My gut feeling is not a gut feeling.
It's a feeling in my ass
and I'm getting fucked.
-Why don't you fuck him in the ass first?
-I don't have the grease.
- [Minsky] Where's my fucking money?
- Minsky.
How are you doing, man?
We were just talking about you.
Weren't we just talking?
I was just telling her about you.
This is Danny, my friend Danny.
- Hi Danielle. - What the fuck happened?
- What happened?
That's a good question.
We're all losing our ass a little bit,
but listen, just hold on,
take it easy, take it easy.
You didn't lose your money.
First of all, let me give
you a little philosophy.
I'm trying to make you some money.
Stock is not something that
you're gonna lose your money.
It's there.
It's a piece of fucking paper.
It's a, what's a metaphor?
Give me a metaphor.
- It's a garden.
- It's a fucking garden.
You put the seed in, you leave it there.
You don't fucking check
the fucking seed every day,
to see how the fucking corn's
gonna grow two inches.
- You gotta let it grow.
- You let it grow and all of a sudden
in a fucking year you go,
you got an ear of corn.
You got a whole fucking garden.
Now let me tell you.
- What's you say?
You said three months.
- The Hong Kong thing.
I gave him the Hong Kong railroad.
You got how many fucking
Chinese are there?
Billions of fucking people
riding around on bicycles.
They're gonna build a railway.
I got you a blue fuckin chip stock man,
in 10 years that thing's
going to make you,
that's like CBS.
It's it's $10.
I got him $10 in the fucking share.
- It's not a cash machine.
- You don't put the card in.
- The fucking thing's gonna
be in a couple of years
a 300, it's a blue, do you
know what a blue chip stock is?
- I know what a blue chip stock is.
- A blue chip stock, that's what you got.
Where are my beans?
I said beans on the side.
- Two New Amsterdams please.
- Got ID fellas?
- I don't got mine with me.
- It's all right, forget it.
Five dollars
- Thanks man.
I love this place, man.
It's such a dive you know?
- Yeah.
- Quite a crowd tonight.
I'm waiting for someone.
If he doesn't get here soon,
I'm going to skitdaddle.
This is 200 Thompson Street, right?
- Right.
- I just wanna make sure
I'm in the right place.
My name's Jackie.
- Sal.
- I used to bartend.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
Those guys are pretty scary.
- It's the hair club for men.
(Jackie laughing)
- So what else do you do besides tend bar?
Are you an actor or musician?
- This is it.
- Well that's OK. I
ah.. I didn't mean to...
- You don't have to do anything else.
It's just, you know, when I was doing it,
I couldn't wait to get out,
the people, the hours,
the booze, you know?
The money's good, but you really earn it.
I'm waiting for a friend I
haven't seen in a long time,
I'm nervous.
- Two shots of Jagermeister please.
- [Minsky] Three months.
- Hold on, hold on. Shh shh.
- You got your money.
Do me a favor, don't sell this stock.
Leave it.
I am gonna make you so much fucking,
you wanna take a flyer?
- What have you got?
- All right.
I got a stock.
This is almost like you
read in the fucking paper.
Inside information.
I can lose my ass on this, but listen.
-You gotta keep this under.
- I got a stock.
It's a natural gas.
It's a Canadian stock.
They're building a pipeline
from fucking Toronto
all the way across Canada.
Now look, you read the
papers, California's in shit.
The whole fucking state,
riots, earthquakes.
- Fires.
- Fires, droughts,
The whole thing.
It's an energy crisis.
What they're gonna do
is they're gonna start
shipping natural gas from Canada.
They're gonna fucking
fund the whole energy
of California on this one gas line.
I got at $5.
It's a, what is it, $5?
- Five dollars?
- Five fifty..
I guarantee in a year it's gonna be $20.
I'm putting what, 30,000?
What did you put in?
- You sold your co-op.
- I sold my fucking co-op.
Look, I'll tell you something right now.
When the broker puts his own money in,
you know, it's a fucking sure deal.
- We go to school at NYU and
live at the dorms over there.
- College boys.
What are you studying to be bankers?
- No, no, film.
- Film?
- What kind of jobs can
you get from the film?
You will run a one hour a photo?
- No.
We make movies.
- So you going to be movie stars huh?
Like Victor Mature?
- No directors.
- I aint been to the movies in a while,
used to go all the time,
Westerns mostly.
Go see the Duke.
Hank Fonda.
In My Darling Clementine.
- John Ford.
- Huh?
- He directed it, John Ford.
- Oh yeah?
Well what do you know, I didn't know that.
I guess school pays off huh?
- This place has a story on every stool.
You take that stoll you're sitting on,
Now that's the stool where Sniffy Barnes
keeled over and died after one drink.
Last drink.
Now here's a guy who's a no
good souse all his life.
Every day he'd drink a
rot gut whiskey and beer,
day in and day out.
So finally he gets religion
and he starts to stop drinking.
For six months, he goes to church.
He's good to his wife and kids,
puts on clean clothes,
shows up at work on time.
One night, we come down here
and he decides he wants to go with us,
but he's not drinking.
Just tomato juice.
So we have a few and
he's starting to sweat.
We ain't paying much
attention, drinking our beers.
So he figures, I'll have a Bloody Mary.
What the hell, it aint the rot gut stuff
he's used to drinking.
And he won't even taste the vodka.
So the bartender sets him up,
knocks back the Bloody Mary and whammo.
He hits the floor like a
ton of bricks, stone dead,
massive coronary or something.
- Whoa.
Man.
- That's what they say,
but you know what I think
killed Sniffy Barnes?
- What?
- The quota.
- The quota?
- Everybody's got a quota
as to how many drinks
you can have in a lifetime.
Sniffy Barnes drank his quota.
If he'd stayed in the straight narrow,
he'd probably be alive today.
He just had one drink over the line.
- What about your quota?
- Well that's why I have short beers.
Chipping away.
Takes longer.
Guys like Sniffy are pigs,
drinking up as much as they can.
Not knowing how close they're getting.
I think I just have a little time yet.
But you never know.
- Think about it.
Think about it.
I wanna make you some money,
but think about it.
- How much?
- Think about it.
Think about it.
- How much?
Well, how much?
- I don't know.
I'd put in 20 at least.
- I'll put three.
- Three?
- Put in five, come on, write out a check.
I wanna make you some money, I feel bad.
- You got a pen?
You fucking children are gonna thank me.
Just write out for five thousand dollars
I'm gonna quadruple your fucking money.
- How does this thing work?
5,000 in three months,
I guarantee you're going to have $20,000
and then you're going to be coming here
and you're gonna be buying me drinks
from Mr fucking personality.
What's $5,000 to you?
- $5000 to me?
- You're going to make
a lot of money.
I'm kidding you man.
Don't ever lose your sense
of humor Minsky, okay?
Come on, I'm
gonna make you a lot of money.
I promise.
- Trust him.
- Trust me Minsky.
I'm gonna make you money.
All right, take it easy.
[Minsky] You make me sick.
I'm going to make your money
you bald headed, cock sucking Jew.
Oh.
- Who from?
- The hair club president.
- A note too, getting kind
of high school around here.
If your date don't show,
I could fill in for him?
Tell him thanks but no thanks.
- So what'd she say?
- She said, "Thanks but no thanks".
- Stuck up bitch, fuck her. Fuck her.
- You're a smooth Minsky.
Why don't you show her your money clip?
- Sal, give her this, give her this.
- Why don't you take the hint Minsk?
- Give her this, give her this.
- Why don't you give it to yourself?
- Cause it's Sal's job.
- Go to the fucking post office.
Does he look like a fucking post man?
He's a bartender.
- Oh really?
Then can we have another round bartender?
- Burnzy.
- What's the matter
Francis, what's the matter?
Just calm down and tell me.
- Them kids pushed me.
My bike's gone now with all my stuff.
- All right, don't worry Francis,
we'll get the bike back.
Sal would you do me a favor?
- Ahh, my Holy Bible, my eight ball juice!
- Eight ball juice?
- Yes eight ball juice.
It's inside the eight,
you know, future unclear, try again.
- Oh, I know what he's talking about.
I had one, an eight ball of course,
you ask it your future.
I had one in high school.
- Yeah no eight ball juice.
It's just a juice.
- Me and Larry will look for it.
- We will?
- What you're too busy drinking beer.
You can't help this guy out?
- All right.
What color is it?
- It's a beautiful blue bike.
- That's right.
You can't miss it.
It's a big blue tricycle
and it's got reflectors
and bumper stickers
and there's a big tool box in the back
where he keeps all his stuff.
- Wait a minute.
What if these guys still got it?
- We take it back,
what are you chickening out?
- I'm just not sure I
want to be this involved.
Shouldn't we let the cops handle it?
- So somebody robs a handicap guy
and you've got a question in your head
as to whether or not
you want to be involved?
Come on.
- Now, Francis, these boys
are gonna look for your bike.
Okay?
Now you and I will stay
here until your sister comes
and they're gonna find it all right?
- Thank you boys.
- We're on the job.
You gotta promise to give
us a ride, if we find it.
- High and low the
search begins, all right?
-Good luck fellas.
- Bartender.
I'll have a Lillet of the rocks please,
with a slice of orange.
- That's disgusting.
- Oh please.
I don't bite.
- Knock that off okay pal?
This ain't the kind of joint.
- Oh, what kind of joint is it?
- It's a man's joint.
- Well then I'm in the right place,
I'm enjoying my drinks in
a good companies of mens.
- Doesn't it break your mother's heart
to see you dressed like that?
- Honey, my mother showed
me how to dress like this.
So don't you be casting no
aspersions on my mother.
I grew up in South Philly
and I'm man enough to whip
any man's ass who talks
trash that includes my mama.
- Take it easy lady.
Take it easy.
It's a free country.
You wanna dress like a
girl, dress like a girl,
all right?
No skin off my ass.
- And a skinny ass at that.
(old school hip hop music )
- All right, all right.
- You got to serve somebody
And baby you just been serv-ed.
You guys, you gonna
let this lipstick wearing
You know what I'm gonna have to do
if you say that word, huh?
-What word? What word?
-Everything alright down here?
- I'm good. I'm good.
Couple drinks. This is
good. Just need some drinks.
Another round Sal OK?
And you drinkin?
Yeah whatever um...
-Marla.
-Marla wants.
- I'll have a Lillet on the rocks
with a slice of orange please.
(old school hip hop music )
- How are you Sal, you old teetotaller?
Let me have a
Vodka.
You look tired man.
Why don't you let me buy you a drink?
No?
I'm buying.
♪ No cocktails for Sally ♪
♪ Whoa whoa... whoa whoa... whoa whoa ♪
Hey Burnzy is this your escort tonight?
You get around pretty good for a tin can
eating old goat.
She's a lovely girl.
Maybe Burnzy here's your father figure.
Most likely though her grandfather figure.
(Andre laughing)
- Knock it off Andre, please.
- Would you like to see my etchings?
There just back in my lair
and it's just a short stumble from here.
- Thank you no, I've got a good idea
what they're probably all about.
- Pathetic lush.
Burnzy, ever vigilant and forthright
yes protecting all.
But your time is passing.
You are getting old old man
and who will take your
burden when you're gone?
Who will carry the torch
for Burnzy?
Perhaps Sal.
Would you believe,
that there was a time when I... me... I,
used to take his pissed-in pants off.
He was positively incontinent,
clean him up, put him in bed.
Tilt his head over to the side
so he wouldn't suffocate
on his own puke.
But I got one question for you, Sally.
How the hell can you work in a bar
when you don't drink anymore?
I mean, Jesus Christ.
We all gotta make a living,
but this is ridiculous.
What's the fucking deal Sally?
You know what I want Sal?
I want your drink.
The one you break your pledge with.
The one when you're all alone,
and nobody's gonna find out,
give me your drink Sally.
I'll give you my fucking drink.
Have a drink Andre.
Knock yourself out.
- What's the matter Andre?
Did you have something else in mind?
-Ira
You have just got to let me
do something with that rug.
It's a train wreck of hair piece.
- What do you mean hair piece?
This ain't a rug.
- Oh baby, honey, please.
If that ain't a rug, then
I'm General Colin Powell.
- Oh my God.
Secret's out.
Ira's wearing a wig.
Oh, baby, I can
I could whip that racoon in the shape
if you let me.
You know, if there's one thing
in this world I know is wigs.
Well Patty LaBelle use to call me
all hours a day and night
just to get my secret of suckscess.
Now come here
Ira, don't make me chase you.
Bartender, Bartender, another Lillet please
and a round for my mens friends here.
Don't worry, baby, I learned
all my beauty skills in jail.
- Well Sal, I've been stood up.
- Well Sal, I've been stood up.
I can't believe I waited this long.
I know it better. I know it better.
Well it was nice meeting you,
I'll have to draw by next
time I'm in town, yeah?
- Are you going to be okay?
- Yeah, I'll be all right.
I'm not very good at
picking the men in my life.
- Married?
-Hmm?
- Briefly, you?
- No.
- Really?
- Why are you surprised?
- You're a mighty handsome lady.
- Thank you.
How long were you married?
- A couple of years.
Don't remember it too well.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.
- It's okay, no problem.
It's just that I really don't remember it.
It's a bit of a fog.
Days of wine and roses,
if you know what I mean.
- Got ya.
- Could I buy you drink or something?
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
[ Hair Club laughing ]
- He should take like a chain
to the bed.
You think of chaining him to the bed.
No, chain his nose here
nobody steals your nose,
you know what I mean?
Stop.
- They pick him up on satellite radar.
- He's a bag boy for
a Slovaks supermarket.
- And where do you live?
- 419 Hudson Street, apartment 4F.
New York, New York,
one zero zero three five.
- Always remember that, so
you don't get lost or nothing.
-Yeah.
- Francis.
Hi Burnzy.
Thanks for looking after him.
I hope he hasn't been a problem.
- No problem at all.
- He gets harder to keep
track of as he gets older,
you're going to be awake all
night, drinking those sodas.
What were you doing out so late?
You're supposed to come home after work.
You missed your favorite program.
- Oh Police Blotter! Ah!
- He gets around on that bike.
I worry about him, he's such a target.
I get reports of him
being up past 14th street.
- I can't believe that
anybody would bother him.
It's not like that bike
was valuable to them.
- To tell the truth, I'm
kind of glad it's gone.
He's so hard to keep track of.
- Some kids went to look for it.
- What am I gonna do with you?
Let's go home.
Maybe those boys will find your bike.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again.
- It was nice meeting you Francis.
When I'm in town, I'll do
my shopping at Slovaks.
Maybe I'll see you?
- On Police Blotter.
- Let's hope not.
- Jesus Christ Burnzy, you're still here.
- I'm still here?
What the hell you doing here?
- I go down to the station house,
I'm just about to punch my card,
when a detective from
homicide start grilling me.
So he asked me if I happen
to know a bookie on my beat,
by the name of fat Eugene Fisher.
I said, "No, I don't know
any bookie named Eugene".
Then it hits me.
Wait a minute.
That stiff over at the karate
school I was talking about,
that's the guy.
- Eugene?
- What, you know him?
- Oh Jesus.
He was here this morning.
- Wait a minute.
There's a bookie hangs out here,
and you guys don't tell me nothing?
- [Burnzy] We can't rat the guy out.
- Yeah well, he was working
as a snitch for the detective.
Well don't matter now,
it all died with him.
That EMS knucklehead shot
the life right out him.
- Oh Jesus Christ.
Well, here's to fat Eugene.
Well, here's to fat Eugene.
You're a jerk, and a chisler and a snitch.
God help you anyway.
Here here.
(glasses clinking)
- Cheers.
- Fuck him.
- Hey Sal, did you hear?
- Luke.
- Jackie, how long have you been here?
- Since 7 o'clock.
Since the time you were
supposed to meet me.
- Oh Jackie, I can explain.
I'm so sorry.
- This is just the guy
you were waiting for?
- Not you again.
Don't you ever go home?
- Yeah I can't believe it either Burnzy.
See what I mean Sal?
What is wrong with me?
- Really, Jackie,
I can explain.
Don't be mad.
A lot has happened tonight,
that you just wouldn't understand.
Come on let's go somewhere
and get a bite to eat.
I can explain over dinner.
- It's a little late, I think
I understand you pretty well.
A lot can happen in one night.
I was just on my way home, thank you.
I have a plane to catch in the morning
and it's been a very long day.
- Stay for one drink, I'm flush.
I hit it big today, my big break.
Hey Sal, set everybody up.
- I'm going home.
Goodnight Burnzy.
Night Sal.
- Hey, wait a minute, Jackie.
You don't understand.
Would you listen to me please?
See, I was into this
guy for a lot of money.
I was in serious danger
of having broken kneecaps.
As it turns out, Eugene
didn't keep any books or marks.
He kept it all in his head.
So my debt died with Eugene.
That was like a gift from God,
taking Eugene out.
- Gift from God.
Thanks Sal.
Call me sometime.
- I think your luck is changing.
- Give me a Stoli rocks Sal.
- You know, kid life is a lot like hockey,
fast, unpredictable,
you never see it coming.
Very exciting.
- Go home old man.
- Why don't you quit while you're ahead?
- One thing I never do,
is let a babe spoil a hot streak.
Another one Sal.
- You know, you're dumber
than you look pally,
letting a lady like that wait around.
That's a lucky break,
you ain't getting again.
- What's with you, man?
Is this your job here or something,
handing out free advice?
I mean you think because you're old,
you got the right to run everybody down
with your tired old philosophy huh?
I mean, if you're so God damn smart,
why don't you kicking back in
some estate in Bermuda, huh?
Why aren't you the president?
You think just because you
managed to live this long
and not get croaked that
you deserve a medal?
Huh
It's no wonder, it can't be much risk
sitting in one place the whole time.
- You'd be surprised.
- It is all about risk, it's chance.
I'm not sitting around
waiting for death to come,
I'm going to be out there face first
and if I go down in flames,
that's the chance you take
and Luke does not go
down easy my friend, no.
I got a hot streak going
and I'm wasting it here talking to you.
- Well you better get
going on that hot streak.
Wouldn't wanna see you burst
into flames right here.
- Here you go Sal.
Hey, thanks.
I told you I'd get you next time.
Hey, don't go nowhere old man,
you still got some time left.
Yeah what about it?
It's my birthday.
-[Sal] Burnzy.
Last call.
Yeah I didn't think I'd
be closing up the joint.
Haven't done that in years,
not since,
Ah never mind.
- Did you say it's your birthday?
- Yeah it's my birthday.
- Happy birthday.
Why don't you say something?
- Come on Sal, I'm 75.
Why would I?
The last time I had a
really happy birthday was,
65 years ago.
I'll never forget it.
My brother took me to the Polo Grounds,
to see the Giants play.
That game was amazing.
Giants lost, but I didn't care.
My brother saved up milk bottle caps
for three months
and got two free tickets to
take me to see the Giants.
What a guy
and he was tough too.
After the game we were walking home
and we decided to go to the Tarzan place
where all the kids hang out.
It's just outside of the stadium
in a deep gully by the Harlem River.
It was a perfect summer night.
I can smell it.
And all the kids were
swinging around on the rope
doing the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan call,
the original, not the
phony stuff you got now.
And each kid was taking a turn
and I was like the youngest guy there.
(Burnzy laughing)
And there were a couple
of creeps with slingshots
dressed like sports hanging around there.
So, my turn comes
and I swing as hard as I can,
'cause I want to show those other kids,
I may be small, but I'm tough too
and just as I get to the peak,
whack, a rock from a
slingshot, right in my back.
I fall off the knot on the
rope and I hit the ground.
And my brother's right there.
He shouts up at these sports,
standing over us on the hill
and he says, "Who did that?"
I'm crying and crying.
And the biggest guy in the group,
he looked like
Dutch Shultz or something.
He's standing there with
a sling shot and he says,
"Me, what about it?"
And my brother starts up that hill.
I can see it still
his hands, his fingers
puffed up into fists
and he walks right up to that guy,
bam, whack, bang.
(Burnzy laughing)
Everybody is stunned.
He beats the crap out of that guy.
And the wise guy's friends
won't even help him.
They're in shock.
He's getting such a whipping.
(Burnzy laughing)
Ah yeah.
My brother didn't take crap from nobody.
He was a hell of a guy.
Ain't it amazing?
You take a guy like Eugene.
I mean, nobody gives
a shit that he's dead.
He ain't dead 24 hours
and people are happy he's gone.
You know I thought that when you go,
I mean you know.
Don't mind me, I'm just a little.
Just give me my tab Sally.
- No tab Burnzy, happy birthday.
- Oh no.. its..
Thanks.
Well, better get to bed.
Just another guy crying in his beer.
(Burnzy chuckling)
See you tomorrow.
- You gonna be okay Burnzy?
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
Beat that quota one more day.
Happy birthday.
Thanks Sal.
- So long Burnzy.
♪ Like the sound of distant trumpets ♪
♪ Like the writing on the wall ♪
♪ It's the old familiar feeling ♪
♪ As the hammer starts to fall ♪
♪ Let the good times keep on rolling ♪
♪ Keep the candle burning bright ♪
♪ 'Cause the end is
near last call tonight ♪
♪ In those joints we used to frequent ♪
♪ Where the repartee is light ♪
♪ There are among those happy faces ♪
♪ You can find me every night ♪
♪ With an olive or a twist ♪
♪ And a line that's cavalier ♪
♪ Till the man declares ♪
♪ Last call is here ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ People say I've changed ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ I've been acting kind of strange ♪
♪ Yes my hearts been re-arranged ♪
♪ Life will never be the same ♪
♪ It's just not the same ♪
♪ You know I couldn't help but notice ♪
♪ Your drink is running dry ♪
♪ And that cocktail dress you're wearing ♪
♪ It really caught my eye ♪
♪ So let's order up one more drink baby ♪
♪ Let's have ourselves a ball ♪
♪ 'Cause the end is near ♪
♪ It's bottoms up my dear ♪
♪ Just one more shot and beer ♪
♪ It's gonna be last call ♪
♪ The clock on the wall ♪
♪ Is indicating last call ♪
♪ You know the curtain must fall ♪
♪ Soon as it's last call ♪
♪ Yeah we said it all ♪
♪ Last call ♪
[Burnzy] Ah, the neighborhood
ain't what it used to be.