Burn Burn Burn (2015) - full transcript

Following the death of their friend, two girls in their late twenties embark on a road trip to spread his ashes. Seph and Alex take turns driving. Dan is in the glove compartment, in tupperware, decreasing in volume as the trip progresses.

- Am I alive?
- No.

- Am I a man?
- Yes.

- Am I fictional?
- No.

Am I Dan?

Do you think?

♪ I pull some streams of smoke
Down into my lungs ♪

♪ Young face in alcohol flames
I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ I wish I had your voice
At the end of the line ♪

♪ I'm a postcard waiting
In a forgotten time ♪

♪ I shiver on the floor
Of broken glass ♪

♪ I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ Took off my shirt
Kicked off my shoes ♪

♪ I was twisting in the movie
That I'd left for you ♪

♪ I said, "Throw me a cigarette
I was king of the world" ♪

♪ But I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ I'm blocking out the pain again ♪

♪ Don't know how to start again ♪

♪ Life on the road holds nothing
But lost sleep ♪

♪ When a woman can be alone ♪

♪ With her weakness or sin ♪

♪ How does she write the sickness
Out of her heart? ♪

♪ Hooked and sick
Now we're dust and done ♪

♪ So I said my goodbye,
Good luck and so on ♪

♪ Trembling hands
I must be insane ♪

♪ But I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪

♪ Where I can be found ♪

♪ You don't remember ♪

♪ You don't remember ♪

♪ You said it's plain to see ♪

♪ I'm stuck on you ♪

♪ You don't remember ♪

♪ You don't remember ♪

♪ You don't remember ♪

♪ I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ I just don't know... ♪

♪ I was dead on arrival ♪

♪ Where I can be found ♪

♪ I was dead on arrival ♪

A bit literal.

How many mini Scotch eggs is too many?

- How many have we had?
- Twenty.

Maybe more.

Yeah, that's too many.

Come on.

We should go back inside.

It's only temporary.

I do it in between acting jobs.

Yeah. I mean, it's advertising
so I guess that's always pretty well paid?

And actually the skills do feed in.

Yeah, I know. I'm... I'm really lucky.



Oh, no, no.
That wasn't one of our clients.

To be honest, the thing
I don't like about it is the name.


Stupid name for a job.

I think hypocrisy is quite a strong word.



I'm just gonna ask...
Is this the day to be asking me this?

Is this the day?

His mum's made me read
loads of books about cot death.

All of death, actually.

I mean, loads of ways that you can die...


I hate people.

Babe, did you tell Dan's cousin
I was a homeopathist?

No, I didn't.

I said you were a homeopath.

"Homeopathist" is not a word.

What are you talking about?

I don't tell people at first meet
he works in the city.

- People blame him for stuff.
- Seph!

I'm protecting him!

I wish I'd lied about my own job,
to be honest.

I thought today was the one day
I wouldn't feel like a failure.

You know, compared to dying,
I'm doing all right.

- Seph!
- What?

Sorry, could you, for one second,
not make this about your fucking self?

The guy is dead.

Should we go?

Just give me five minutes.

Hey, it's Pandora.

Sorry, I can't take your call.
Leave a message and I'll ring you back.

Hi, Pan. It's me.

Alex... I'm so sorry to bother you.

I know you're working all day.

I just...

I don't know... I just...
I just really wish you were here.

It's really hard.


I'm sorry. I'm not gonna go.
I know you can't be here.

Anyway... Sorry.
Of course, I'll lend you that money.

I'm... I'm sorry I've been a twat.

Anyway, I love you.

I'll see you later.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

I'm not trying to make it about myself,
but just...

No, I know.

I'm sorry.

I love you, mouse.

I love you, too.

And you've gotta stop telling people
you're a failure.

It's not failure like normal failure.


No, it's acting.

It's a lottery, isn't it?

It's like failure like...

"Oh, I didn't win the lottery."

You keep ploughing on, baba.

So brave.

- Are you sure that we could just...
- What?

We can't just leave. It's not allowed.

No, no. Hang on a second.

Wait there. Amelia!


Sorry, we weren't sneaking out.

We have to show you something.


Come on.

I've been calling this Dan's dongle.


Let's leave them to it, shall we?


Go on. Open it.

Is that... Is that my bathroom?

Seph. Okay, so... I'm gonna die.

Yeah. And you have no idea...

I start fucking chemotherapy tomorrow.

I mean, it's just... It's just palliative.

The doctors took great pains to explain
that it's not gonna save my life.

Thank you, David.

Yeah. You know it's serious when they say,
"Call me David."

Okay. Right.

Yeah, I... I don't know
when you're watching this.

How long I've been, you know...


But... I love you.

I love you both a lot.

And I am sorry that I'm not gonna tell you
that I'm ill...

but I'm not!

I reckon one day... One day you'll get it.

Or not. I don't know.

Anyway, I've had a fucking...

I've had a fucking brilliant idea
just now.

I'm gonna give you...

I bequeath you...

my ashes.



Yeah. I've told my missus what I want
and she's not happy about it.

But fuck it!

Mom, if you are watching this,
you fucking shouldn't be.

I told you--

Amelia, I'm really sorry.

You know, I didn't realize he hated me...

that he really hated me.

But he does.


He really did.

- Of course he didn't--
- No, he did!

You'll see.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Well, you know...

probably the cancer.

- I told you--
- Dan!

Dan, I think
I'm actually gonna wet myself!

All right, all right!

Awkward time jump.

Ruined it for yourself there, Al.

Okay, so...

There are four places I wanna go back to.

And I want you to scatter a bit of me
in each one.

There's a list of the places--

I've written down the exact post codes,
for your sat-nav or whatever.

And so you just take a laptop
and a USB stick...

and I've made a video for each place...

so it will sort of be
like I'm really there.

Oh, and Henry's agreed
to lend you the car.

I asked him this afternoon, so...


Road trip!

Yeah, essentially this is...

Thelma & Louise
plus Casper the Friendly Ghost.

You are welcome.

What the fuck's going on?

It belonged to his dad, this car.


And that's...

where he wanted to be stored
on the journey.

He put some thought into it.

Right. Fuck, sorry.

Please, fuck away. I do understand.

And this...

seemed like a more practical receptacle.

I thought you had to wait a bit...

for ashes.

I play squash with Colin.

- Man from the crem.
- Right.

Nice guy.

I don't think we should do it.

- What?
- Take it a week... a couple...

I... I don't know. And just
take him back to them.

But it's what he wanted.

It doesn't matter. It's fucked up.
It's really fucked up.

Even for Dan.

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Al, could we talk about this?
- Oh, please.

Pandora, turn that fucking radio off.

Oh, my God!

Is that Pandora?

Obviously, you know each other.


I have literally no idea who that is.


Rachel? Right.

- Alex--
- Oh, my God.

Our friend just died.

Her friend... just died.

Your girlfriend's friend just died.

Who refuses to go to a funeral?

Who refuses
because they'd rather be doing...

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay, I think this is between me and Alex.

Oh, my God, Alex!

I will cut you, Pandora. I swear to God.

You were right.

Twenty Scotch eggs is too many.

Jesus Christ. What a day!

I'm gonna kill her.


I'm gonna go round there tomorrow
and I'm gonna skin her alive

and wear her as a coat
to a fucking party.

- Seph!
- Dan would want to stick with her.

He would!
He'd probably come back and help.

Just calm down.



- Alex--
- Can I please not talk about it?

All right. Good night.


Are you okay?

- What?
- I just...


Sleep well.

You too.

I'll just be in there...


See you.




I love you.

I can't breathe.

Yogurt is so in trend right now.
You got FroYo... I grow my own yogurt.

- What? Bacteria?
- Yeah. Bacteria.

Anyway, Alex is gonna tell you
about the copy.



- Alex...
- My ashes!

- Alex.
- Yes!



But, Madan, this is what I'm saying...
I don't think you are depressed.

- Well... I...
- If you'll let me finish, please.

- Sorry.
- I think you are lonely...

and a little bit tired.

Madan, I've just seen the clock.
I'm afraid we're out of time.

But if you just let what I've said...


- Okay? And...
- Okay.

keep filling out the mood-sheets.



I don't think he's very bright.


Into REM?



Yeah. Thank you.

Decaf for me.
Madan's left me slightly wired.


Oh, talk to me.

- What?
- Your friends. Your dead friends?


Oh, you need to talk about it.

- You must talk about it.
- Yeah.

Words are a paddle. They're like a rudder
through pain, you know?

Am I making any sense?

Yeah, I think so.

Don't think of me as your boss.


- Don't think of me as James' boss's wife.
- No.

No, I'm... I'm a human being,
just like you...

and I'm here for you.

Anything you want, anything at all.

You're in the right place, actually.

I totally get it.

Well, actually I was--

Are there any Jaffa Cakes, by the way?

- No--
- Fuck!

Sorry. I don't need them.

I don't need them.

It's Pavlov's dogs, actually.
It's the smell of the coffee.


Carry on.


Actually, I was gonna ask you
if I could take a week off.


I mean, it's simple, it's minimalist.

This generation YouTube,
and have no attention span.

At the end of the day, it's yogurt.

It's not, I don't know... atomic fusion,
is it?

Does Johannes mean nothing to you?

- What? No--
- He's a baby.

You are proposing
leaving a baby on his own for a week.

- Well, to be fair--
- A week!

What's that thing that Bono did,
when he clicked his fingers?

Yeah, a child dies.

Every time I do that is the time it takes
for someone to eat yogurt.

Fifteen dead kids.

At least, because some people eat slowly.

This is actually classic, Seph.
This is textbook.

I gotta tell you that your friend is dead.
There's nothing you can do about it.

It's a truth
that we never want to acknowledge

that there is a skull at the banquet,
there is a worm at the core...

Death is the final answer.

I've just been fired.

Let's do it.

Let's scatter Dan.

- She really said that?
- Yeah.

Fuck. Wow.

She didn't actually fire me
until I pointed out

that she's there, you know, all the time,

and I am, therefore,
somewhat surplus to requirements.

- You know what she bought the other day?
- What?

- An almond milker.
- What?

I shit you not.

She was shouting at me,

telling me I had no sense
of responsibility,

and I had this beautiful moment
of clarity.

I thought, "This woman milks nuts.

She milks them.

I mean, what am I doing?

What am I doing with my life?"

So I told her to go fuck herself.

- Very strong choice.
- Thank you.

Were your lot not sympathetic?


- About the funeral.
- Yeah, I didn't tell them.



I don't know. We just decided.

Thank you.


No, not a whim.

Oh, for God's sake!

We're driving across Britain.

It's not fucking Mexico!

I... I don't give a shit
what you say, James.

I really don't.

But I'm not sorry, am I?

Oh, for God's sake! Look, I...
I don't expect you to understand it.

Okay? Because you never liked him.

Did you?

You... I... I'll...

I'll call you tomorrow... possibly.



How's that working out for you?


I still can't believe Dan didn't tell us.

I can.

'Cause then you can just sort of
get on with it, can't you?

Oh, my God, that's what you'd do,
isn't it?

Yeah, probably.

Have you spoken to her yet?


- Not at all?
- No.

- You will have to, you know?
- No.

I mean, what about all your stuff?

It's just stuff.

Went out and bought more clothes
this morning.

I mean, what about your laptop
and your passport?

She's literally got all your stuff, Al.

Look, it's just stuff.

Seriously, I don't care.

If there'd been a fire... Right?

If there'd been a massive fire
in the flat...

then I'd have lost it all anyway.

So that's what it's like.
That's how I'm seeing it.

There was a massive fire or bomb
and all my stuff was lost...

and she died.

I mean, yes, the literal facts
are that she's not dead...

and that she's got all my stuff.

But it's how you look at it.

So, rather excitingly,
we seem to have got beyond Wirral,

and are now in the middle
of bum fat nowhere!

Where possible, do a U-turn.

Do a U-turn.

Maybe just do a U-turn--

Just shut up! It'll come back in a minute.

Look, we are here, okay?
Glastonbury is here.

We are driving in the opposite
fucking direction.

- You sure?
- Yes! I'm--

Hang on. Are you holding it
the wrong way around?

Please, just get in the car
before I punch you in the mouth.


Oh, hello!

Ah, Glastonbury Abbey.

Always wanted to come back here.

Could you just turn me around
so I can see it?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Yeah, you can turn me back now.

Okay, so... I came here once,
when I was a toddler, with Dad.

It was his favorite place.

And apparently, I took down my pants

and peed against one of the ruins
like a dog.

Cocked my leg.

Very embarrassing.

Anyway, this place is meant to be,
you know, important.

King Arthur's buried here, supposedly.
It's pretty glam.

And three unnamed Saxon kings.
Less glam, sure, but...

Dad loved it.

Came here all the time
when he was at university.


That's what he said... Spiritual.

And, yeah, he wasn't, you know, like that.


I believed him...


Yeah. I mean,
I don't know about that stuff.

But I don't want it to be
that all I could say about the place

is that I once took a piss on it.

And Dad wanted to be cremated...

scattered here.

But no one listened to him.
They buried him.

Did I ever tell you that?

His fucking sister!

Yeah! Good one, Mandy!



I want a bit of me here.

'Cause a bit of me means a bit of him.

Well, someone made you a lovely dinner.

And Al... Fuck.

Al has been talked into lending Pandora
500 quid.

Yeah, I think
you should probably dump her, mate.

Life is too short...

even if you're not me.

It's fucking nothing. It just goes.

We waste so much time...

and look, I know you.
I know that neither of you are very happy.

Not really.

Not at the moment.

So, look, this trip is not just about me.

I want you both to have time...

to get some space, to just work out...

I don't know, just work out some stuff,
whatever that means.

I mean, I can help you, because...

Well, you have to listen to me.
You can't ignore me because...

I'm dying.

I'm dead.


Yeah, I'm dead.

Yeah, and I'm telling you,
this is the worst thing...

Feeling like you haven't made the most

of every tiny little second
you've breathed.

Okay, so...


is for you two.

This is appropriate because...

it's Kerouac.

Though you'll probably be frequenting
more Little Chefs than he did.

"The only people for me are the mad ones.

The ones who are mad to live,

mad to talk,

mad to be saved,

desirous of everything at the same time.

The ones who never yawn...

or say a commonplace thing,

but burn, burn, burn...

like fabulous yellow
Roman candles...

exploding like spiders
across the stars."


Not allowed.
We've never allowed scattering.

No way, Jose.

But why? I mean, it's just ash.

He's just ash.

Let me stop you right there.

It's not just ash.

That contains human bones
and other parts of a human.

We're a significant archaeological site...

and we've got badgers.


I can give you a guided tour.


Six pounds each.

I won't charge you for him.

And you'll notice
that a lot of these tombs are quite small

because people in Medieval times
were very short.

Their stature...

But I don't believe King Arthur would have
been short of stature.

I think he would have been
a strapping man.

Handsome, with flowing hair...
probably quite muscular.

Of course, his wife, Guinevere,
cheated on him...

with a knight, Sir Lancelot.

Because in those days,
women could also be cheating, lying whores

as they are now.


Said to be the final resting place
of King Arthur.

Right, so it's all right for him?

Different times.

It's different times.

It's better times.

- Quickly, whilst her back's turned!
- What?

It's never fully turned.

I can't believe we fucked up already.

- It's the first place, and we can't do it!
- Seph.

I mean, you know that stuff
would hurt his dad, Al.

I mean, his poor dad.

It's not our fault. Come on, Seph, it's...

It's... You know, it's... the badgers.

I might...

have a solution.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

There he is.

It's better this way, isn't it?

Because he can stay here,
and he won't be floating about all...



He'll be between here and the gift shop.

And I'll take him out at lunch times.

Thank you.

And on fag breaks,
if I start smoking again.

- I might do. Might... Might not.
- Right.

Don't worry.
I won't use him as an ashtray. I...

I'm gonna look after him. I promise.


It's okay.

People are just so...

weird and... kind.

I know. I know.

Take him outside at lunchtime...


- Hi.
- Jesus!

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
I just heard...

I just heard you... Heard sobbing.

Sorry, I was just having a...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.


Oh, my God. Thank you.

They've got a protective balm.

It's quite... It's quite soothing
if you've got, you know, sensitive skin...

or something.

- I do have sensitive skin.
- Yeah.

What you girls doing tonight?

I'm Adam, by the way.

Hi, Adam.

Hey, this is Seph's phone.

Wait for the beep
and then say something fascinating...

or offer me money! Thanks. Bye.

Hey, babe, it's me.

Yeah, I'm sorry about earlier.
I... I guess I was just worried.

That's all.

But you're right. I was being a dick.

But the good part of it is
I've got your job back.

So, yeah, I just hope you don't mind that.

I spoke to Tim and I just explained to him
that, you know, it's been a bit of a...

You know, you're not...

Yeah. So, anyway, it's all fine.
All's forgiven.

So you don't need to sign on...

or go on the game.

Bad spot, either of those decisions.


Right. Okay. Love you.


Yeah, it's just a small kind of gathering.

Friends not foes.

You don't have the foes in here.

They can't dance,
and they piss in the cider.

How... How long
are we going to be here for?

- What?
- An hour? Two hours? What?

I don't know. Can't we just stay
and see what happens?

Yeah, okay. I'm just... I'm just checking.

Look, you need to chill out, okay?
Just relax.

Use tonight to listen to yourself--

Right. I can take that shit from Dan.
He is dead.

You? No.

Listen, Sparky. How about you interact
with some new people

and chill the fuck out?

Hey, don't leave me on my--

- Oh, my God!
- Alex...


- You all right?
- Oh, God.

- You okay?
- Sorry. I just... zoned out.



- Your mate...
- Yeah.

- She's seeing anyone?
- Yes.

Yeah, I thought so.

- How about you?
- Me?

- Yeah.
- I'm a massive bender, sorry.

Fair dues.

Fair dues.

- I'll be on.
- Good.

Adam rescued me in London.


I'd been there for a couple of weeks
or something. It was a Sunday.

Really busy.

And I was on my way to the fucking,
I don't know, Tate or something...

and this pigeon shat on me.

- And then an old man flashed me.
- Oh, God!

And I was eating this awful sandwich.

She told me it was halloumi and it wasn't.

I just started crying.

Bawling, you know, like a little kid.

And then... Adam just appeared.

I don't know how. He was just there.

He gave me this hug...

and he told me
everything was gonna be okay...

and that he knew somewhere
where I might be a bit happier.

He does seem pretty...

- Pretty cool.
- He's amazing.

...and they're dead.

And they burn out, but...

but in the future.

No, hang on.

Yeah... The past.

They're the past. We...
We're looking at the past...

because they're... They're dead.

But, to us, they are still burning.

That is... That is life from the past.

You know, that is life.

You know, The Tudors or something.

And we just waste...

this time.

And waste our lives just...

worrying about things
that don't even matter. Like...

am I too fat?

Does she still love me?

Why did I get that tattoo?
It sucks a bit.

And we fight each other
and kill each other and argue about...

my God is better than your God
and all that shit.

And all the while, we are...

we are looking out at death.

And it's really beautiful.

And that is actually, literally...

lighting up the fucking sky at night.

We should just...
We should just be calm...

and say...

And say, "Oh, fuck it.

It doesn't matter."


nothing matters.

Because it's okay.

God, Adam.

Sorry, I got a bit--


Dan would have really liked you.

Yeah. Yeah, he would.

I'd say that is a profound compliment.

- To Dan.
- To Dan.

- To Dan.
- To Dan.

Have you seen my shoes?






Fuck. What?

Alex, it's okay. It's me.

Oh, Jesus... How I... Christ.

I know.

Where the fuck are we?

On a farm.

Oh, God.

It's fine. Come on. Let's just go.
It's... It's fine.

We'll get some breakfast on the way.

Ahoy there!

- Oh, hi.
- How are you?

Bit rough, yeah?

What time are we off?


Come in the car with us. We'll take you.

- Really?
- Yeah.


Cardiff, yeah.


Girls are just getting
their shit together, so...

I'll see you in a sec, yeah?

Road trip.

Music can be a distraction.


You know, sometimes it's better just to...

to listen to what's already there...
out there in the ether.

You know, you just listen. You lis--


And... And see what you can hear.


Now I can hear...

Now you could hear the rain.

Pitter patter, pitter patter,
pitter patter.

And I could hear...

hear the road beneath us.

You know, that's a constant...


It's quite...

Yeah, it's quite a rough surface.

All part of the journey, though. Isn't it?


Vibration. What's that vibration?

That's... That's actually...
That's the vibration of my phone.

See? Who... Who is it? Who's that?

Who's... Yeah, probably.

Cool. We'll call him back later.

And then there's all of us together.

There's all our energy together.

Can you hear the buzz?

That's the buzz. The buzz of us.

Is this your car?

- No it's Dan's stepdad's.
- Who's Dan?

Oh, shoot. Sorry. Sorry.


You guys want anything?

No, we're all right. Thanks.

Cool. See you in a second.

Actually, I should probably go for a wee.

- Wait.
- What?

- I'm not driving up to Cardiff.
- What?

I know, I know. I'm a terrible person.

I'm not doing it.

They're weird.

He's old and... they're weird!

They make me feel panicky.

What if I end up like that?

I mean, is that what happens when
you're arty, but essentially a big shit?

He has the charisma
of a benign Charles Manson.

- I don't like it!
- But...

I'll end up killing one of them.

I swear to God, I'll use one of them
as a weapon to kill the other two.

Right. But, I mean, can we...

I mean, could we just leave them?

Dan would have hated them.

He hates them.

I feel really bad.

Oh, shut up.

I think we should go back and get them.

No way!

But, seriously,
what if something happens to them?

Look, Alex, we've done a bad thing, okay?


try and enjoy it.


Welcome to Wales.

You are now in Wales.

Where does your mum live?


I don't know. Never met her.

Well, why would you?

I've met most people's mums.
You've met mine.

I don't know...

I've known you for nearly ten years.

We're scattering the ashes
of our newly dead friend.

And you're telling me that me meeting
your mum would be... what?

Taking this to an inappropriate level
of intimacy?

Do I look like children's TV presenter
in this scarf?

What? No. Shut up.

They're different to your mum, so...

Don't be a dick.

Now, listen. I haven't told her
what we're doing on the phone.

I haven't told her about Dan.

What? Why?

Just because.

Please don't say anything.
She'll get upset.

I've said we're scattering your granny.


- Hello.
- Hello. Hi.

Come in.

What a lovely thing you're doing
for your nan.

Oh, well, you know, it's what she wanted.

You'll stay tonight, won't you?

Mum, I told you, we... We got to--

Come on, Al?

We'd love to.


Yeah, I got the bedding out just in case.

Chicken kiev's okay for your tea?


I'll... I'll put the oven on.

What's wrong with you?

She's so nice.

Do you need a hand, Shelle?

It's a new carpet?

It is, yes.

Do you know Dai's lad down the hill?


He lives down the hill.

This is our postman, Dai Persephone.

Oh, right.

But he's got a son, Dai does.

Evan, his name is...

from his first marriage.

Didn't work out.

She ran off with a man from the Council.

Nasty piece of work.


Smelt like bacon.

Anyway, Evan's a sweet lad,

and he runs his own carpet shop.

He does it on the Internet,

as well as having a little shop
you can go into.

Making a killing.

Actually, more like a genocide,
in terms of numbers, apparently.

Anyway, he knew I needed a new carpet

because I've been going on about it
for months.

And I was down his way
about a fortnight ago,

and he said to me, "Oye, Shelle!

I am doing a certain kind of carpet
for half price this week."

And I said, "All right, are you?"

And he said, "Yes"!

Oh, he fitted the whole thing.

Only took about an hour.

Oh, it's lovely.

It is lovely.

It's a lovely color.

Oh, thank you.

Do you like it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's quite nice.

She doesn't know about Dan...

What about Pandora?

Does she even know about her?

Al, does she know you're gay?

Hey. It's me.

Can you call me please?

It feels weird.

I've been doing some very weird things
since you've not been here.

Just ate a pack of crisps on the toilet.


I've been feeling bad about Dan.

I didn't hate him.

He just...

could be a bit of a twat sometimes,
couldn't he?

But I didn't hate him.

All right. Bye.

Look after her, won't you?

Of course, I will.

Thanks for having us.


I really do not want to talk
about it, okay?


This can't be right.

Oh, let's just watch the video.

And what is the significance...

of Livid Nightclub, you ask?

Well, traveling friends,

you are standing by the hallowed ground
upon which I lost my virginity

on a geography field trip.

It was beautiful.

I mean, sure, it was in a toilet,
but it was beautiful.

I was 13. She was a bit older.

We both had train tracks,

and I had a light smattering of acne
on my top lip.


And as a result of my love affair,

I remember very little
about shale formation,

and the word fannies.




I was Googling this...

thing today. It's crazy. You should do it.

Apparently, it's a one
in 800,000 chance...

of someone my age
getting pancreatic cancer.

One in 800,000!


Yeah, basically, very special.

Okay. Right.

We're gonna play a game.

I want... I want each of you
to tell the other one

something about yourself
that they don't know.

Do it now. Pause the video.

Pause the video!

Oh, come on.

I don't think I'm in love
with James anymore.


- Well, what are you going to do?
- I don't know.

You go.

What? No. I'm sorry. Can we just...

Okay, here's a fun fact.

Fun? Yeah, it's actually quite weird.

That you have both...

at some point in your lives...

given me a blowjob.


Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm awful.

We're awful.

Yeah, I love you both very much. But...

not in a sexy way.

I'm just glad we worked that out
before I died.

Not that it worked out much else.

Fuck, I always thought
I would know eventually.

You know...

I mean, definitely before I fucking died,
I thought I'd settle.

And I'd have a husband or a wife

and we'd be 80,
living in charming artistic squalor.

Okay, Seph, you need to ask Al
to tell you...

about Amy.

That one is serious, Al.

You need to do that, okay?

Just please.

Because I know
I'm the only person you told, Al. And...

I'm not gonna be around anymore.
I won't be able to help you.

So just tell someone else.

All right, Yoda!


All right, go on, then.
When did you do it?

Years ago.

That time we went to Corfu.

And you all became convinced
I was an alcoholic.

Oh, yeah.

You took me to an AA meeting in a Taverna.

When did you do it?

At his mum's house.

One of his birthdays...

It was fancy dress...

and I was wearing a crown.

I initiated the whole thing.

- Did you?
- Yeah.


Did you keep your crown on?



Oh, God.

I mean, he's nice and he's kind and...

he's all other things.

All of them.


It's got to the point
where I can read his face so well.

I know his sex eyes.

You know, when someone's trying
to initiate sex, right?

And my heart sinks.

I just think...

"Go on, then.

Probably less mind-numbing than talking
to you for another eight minutes."

I mean,
I've had sex out of politeness before...

you know, with people.

When you think this is probably
less awkward and time consuming

than explaining to you
why I'm backing out.

But it shouldn't be happening with him...

with James, should it?

No. Probably not.

Who's Amy?


Let's go to our hotel
and get really pissed.

Fuck that. Let's take Dan back to Livid.

Fuck. It's fucking freezing.

You want my coat?

- It comes at a price.
- Fuck off.

Yeah, we're all right. Thanks.

No, he's just being a cock.

Serious. Have it.

Are you sure?


Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Oy! She's got a boyfriend.

- So?
- So she's got a boyfriend!

- You've got a fucking boyfriend.
- You do?

- Maybe.
- She does. His name's James.

Oh, piss off, Al.

This is all your fault.

Oh, shit.


I need to talk to her.



Oh, all right. I'll...
I'll just stand over here.

No, you go back inside.
I'll find you in a minute.

Can I get your number?

I'll find you back inside.

Did you just shag him?

It was a homage...

A what?

An homage to Dan.

We were in the toilet.


Hey, this is Seph's phone.
I'm away for a bit.

But leave me a message
and I'll call you when I get back.

Seph, call me back. Please.

Please. I know you're pissed off

but this is starting
to make me feel pathetic.

Come on.

Little mouse...

I've been to your house...

and you're not there.

Where are you?

Where are you?

- Alex, wait.
- Seph, please. Just stop talking.

- You all right?
- Yes.

- Good night?
- Yeah. Sorry, we're just--

- You two having a row?
- No. We're--

You're having a lesbian row?

- No! We're just... Please. I...
- Can we give you a little kiss?

- No, I'm all right. Thanks.
- Back off, mate.

Just a little kiss.
That's all right, innit?

Are you trying to get him to snog you?

Jesus Christ.

- You can touch my cock if you want.
- Oh, God.

I don't... I don't mind.

Or, you know, you two could get off
with each other...

and I could touch my own cock.

No. Can you let me...
Could we just use the cashpoint?

Oh, why so sensitive?

- It's just a fucking joke.
- Yeah.

You wanna touch his cock?

I've seen it. It's massive.


Thick as a baby's arm, love.

Been really nice to meet you.

Please. I don't wanna touch you
or have sex with you.

I'm really tired.
I just wanna use the cashpoint.

So can you please just let me do that?

You actually think I wanna fuck you?

You think I...

would wanna fuck you?

You arrogant little bitch.

I'm... I'm not...

Well, you know what?
I would fuck you. I would.

But I wouldn't like it.

And neither would you.

But I'd do it to teach you a lesson,
you fucking dike.

What the fuck's the matter with you?

What the fuck was that?

I got taught that in self-defense
in school.

Panic row with your arms.

Confuse the attacker.

Majority of people don't actually
want to assault someone

who manifests
genuine psychiatric problems.

Too much hassle.

I mean, technically that's the windmill,
isn't it?


Look, we can just go home
if you're so fucking furious, Alex.

Dan wanted us to take him to York.

So we're taking him to York.

God, I miss him.

Me too.

- My...
- Alex?


Hi, James.

James says to call him.


- Alex, what did you say--
- Fuck off. As if I'd tell him.

Give me a bit of credit.


I just said we're on our way to York
and that your phone's run out.

Look, I'm sorry if what I did upset you.

That's not an apology.


If you put the onus
on the person's reaction

rather than what you did,
it's not an apology.

"Sorry for what I did"
is being actually sorry.

"Sorry if what I did upset you" is not.

You're basically telling me
I'm being overly sensitive.

Jesus Christ.

- Look, Al. I just wanted--
- We don't have to talk about it.

- I want to!
- Well, I don't.

- Why not?
- Why, do you think?

- It's not the same.
- Stop talking about it!

Look, it's not like I think
that what she did to you is okay, Al.

What the fuck are you doing?

If I say I don't wanna talk
about something,

I fucking mean it, all right?


Have you ever done an Airbnb before?

No. Weirdly, I still prefer hotels
to complete strangers' houses.


So our host's name is Doug.

Twenty five reviews of people
saying what a nice man he is.

You're gonna get
a bonk on him as well, are you?

My goodness.

How tragic!

Do you know why he chose York?

We tend to find out
when we watch the videos.

I see.

Must be off.


Look, I'll... I'll leave you these keys.

Are you an actor?


What are you rehearsing?

The passion.

The Passion of the Christ.

All right. Wow.

Seph's an actress... sometimes.

Chapeau, my friend.


Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, sorry. Did you want to...
- Oh, no.

After you.


- All done?
- Yeah.

Go on, love.

- His mum.
- All right. I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Hey, guys.

I just got back
from seeing your play, Seph.

Little Women.


It is...

the first time I felt relatively
okay about facing imminent death.

It was fucking shit.

Yeah, and Alex was meant to meet me
for dinner before...

but she was late
so I had a pizza on my own.

Gonna feel pretty bad about that now, Al,
aren't you?


You should.

So York's pretty nice, huh?


It's where my dad was born...

and where Mum and Henry decided
to get married.

Good one.

Broke his fucking heart.


You're probably watching all of these

even though I've expressly told you
not to.

You're a bitch.

He's dead.

I'm nearly dead...

and you're just there,
pottering around, doing...

I don't know,
whatever the fuck pointless things you do.

Tell me, how is that fair?


I'm fucking...

I'm 29.

So... I had my CT today.


I'm fucked. Totally. It's not working.

And God...

You know, tonight, Al, you...

You actually complimented me on my beanie.


I mean...

I mean, sure. I'm on trend, as usual.

But, fuck.


I'm sorry.

I am sorry...

I'm lying to you, but, seriously,
fuck you for believing me.

I thought I was gonna be good at dying.

Like, really good.


they'd project me at Ted Talks,

and I'd be appreciated after my time.

But no. Turns out...

I don't wanna die.

I love being alive.

Much more than you two.

You just...

fucking moan
and feel sorry for yourselves.

You just go on and on and on
and on and on, all the time.

It's so fucking tedious.


You need to get your head out of your arse

and realize
that you're not really good at acting.

No one will ever tell you that,
so I'm doing it.

I don't give a fuck.

Do something else.

Alex is too polite to say anything,
but I bet she agrees with me.

James is too fucking supportive
to say anything either.

He's an idiot.
He's a fucking patronizing idiot.

Yeah, and don't think
you're getting off the hook...

Alex. No.

You say you're honest.

Yeah? You say you pride
yourself on that?

And then you keep all these secrets.


Has she told you
about Amy yet, Seph?

No, probably not,
even though I asked you to.

So fuck you if you didn't.

Because you should be doing what I say.

And you're a liar.

You push people away.

I mean, what's the point of you?

Either of you. What's the point?


I'm in York.

Don't tell Seph.

Where are you?

Right. There's something you should know.


Oh, my God, is that...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Al, do you mind giving us a minute?
- Yeah, absolutely.

You good for a drink?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Cool.

Are you okay?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You're unbelievable, Seph.


Okay? You lose your job,

which, pardon me for trying to be helpful,
I got you,

making me look like a fucking idiot
in front of my boss

because you're supposed
to be looking after his only child,

and he has to tell me
that you've told his wife

to go fuck herself...

and thrown a baby monitor
at her?

And then you just take off
without even telling me.

I've got no clue where the fuck you are,

apart from the fact
that you're with Al somewhere.

And I thank God for that, because at least
she picks up her fucking phone.


Look, and you can't just write it off
as grief...

To being upset.

Other people are finding it hard too,
you know? It's not just you.

It is possible to deal with things
in a better...

in a less selfish way.

I've been so worried about you.

- James, I...
- No.

Listen, you don't need me.

And I don't need you.

But I want you.


I... I want you so much.

Will you marry me?

Jesus. Fuck.




Oh, my God.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Of course not! I mean, you two should,
you know, have a night in.

I mean, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- So great!

What the fuck are you doing?

I've got to get back
for a lunchtime meeting, so...

- I'll see you in London, okay?
- Oh, yes. Yeah.

But, hey!

Chief bridesmaid, so go ahead and start
buying penis straws...

and booking strippers...

- Yeah!
- ...and all the classic stuff.

All right, then. Bye.

- Bye.
- See ya.

Come on.

I mean, what is the point of you?

Seriously. Either of you.

What's the point?

You're a liar.

You push people away.

- Hi, Doug. I was just--
- Where's the other one?

- Who? Seph?
- The actress.

She's... I... I don't know.
I just tried to call her, but--

- Damn!
- What's wrong?

Well, it's a disaster. A fucking disaster,
excuse my language.

What's happened?

Can you spare me three hours?

I'm desperate. Please.

Legally, we can't put on a performance

without a full dress
to test out all the harnesses and so.

And then he hasn't showed up!

Who hasn't turned up?

We're so grateful. Thank you.

Right. Back in a second.

Sorry, where are you going?

Hang tight, kid.



Come back!

What on earth is going on?

What took you so long?

I mean, this is truly

an extraordinarily literal manifestation
of your maso-complex, Al.

Fuck off.

I assume your version of the Son of God

is one where he's got
all these weird secrets.

And he's secretly been shagging
someone called Amy,

rather than Mary Magdalene.

Seph, seriously, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, go on, then.

Talk to me.

Talk to me!

Look, I'm an awful person, okay?
I'm awful.

I'm a cock.

I did a rude in a toilet
with a man I don't know.

I'm a filthy slapper, whatever.

Are you... Are you drinking wine?


I don't think telling James
is a solution here.

I don't think that alleviating my guilt
by telling him is--

All right, yeah. Here we go.

I'm serious.

I mean, what good would it do him,
actually, to know?

He'll know!

Knowing is...

It... It's really important, Seph.

If you don't know stuff,
then you don't know someone.

- Bullshit.
- He's a nice guy!

He's not a nice guy.

Oh, Seph, fuck off. He is a nice guy.

Okay. So he is a nice guy.

Yes. I think you did a bad thing, okay?

You did a shit thing. You're a shit.

But that's not the thing, okay?
The sex isn't the thing.

But to not tell him...

and then agree to marry him!

I'm not actually going to marry him!

I was just...

shocked by what Dan...

I was angry about what he said
about James.

And I didn't want to humiliate him
in the pub...

despite his fucking Mr. Darcy "I love you
in spite of yourself" proposal.

I'm not gonna actually go through with it.

Well, then that's really shit.

And I think Pandora did a shit thing
to me...

because she could have just told me
she wasn't happy.

- Could she?
- Yes, she could!

Of course, she could.

But she didn't.

She lied. She fucking... She fucking lied.

And you're doing exactly the same thing
to James. You're doing...

And you're gonna break his heart.

I just can't... I can't...

I can't... I can't deal with people.

I can't deal with them...
Their thoughts and their feelings

and their lives being all mixed up
with mine.

Just fuck off.

Alex, please.

I'm sorry I've been such a dick, okay?
I really am.

And I know you think I'm...

evil and that I'm like Pandora,
but I'm really not.


And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not like you.

I wish I was. Honestly.
I really, really wish I was.

I wish that I had your morals.

But I don't.

I killed my sister.



That's who Amy is.

Amy got hit by a car.

All that stuff with Mum...

Me and Mum, why it's hard?

Well, it's that.

Amy got hit by a car and she died.

It was all because of me.
Well, definitely.

And I told Dan once,
when we were really drunk.

And I made him promise not to tell you.

Not to tell anyone.

I was five.

And she was two and a half.

She was really small.


And I was... I was making a...

you know,
those daisy chain crown things...

And I...
I left her to go pick some more...

when I shouldn't...

and she ran out into the front...

Mum and Dad split up...

mainly because of that.

It was just me and her.

And she was really nice
most of the time...

but then she'd get drunk
and she'd tell me it was all my fault.

Though she feels bad about it now.

We just... I just don't...
I just don't really like being around her.

People just, they want stuff from you,
you know?

And you can't give it to them
even if you try.

You just end up hurting them,
so there's no point.

I don't think you're bad or evil
or whatever it is you think I think.

I just think
you should just not be with James.

- You...
- Al--

Fuck, Dan! I swear to God. Fuck him.

Fuck you!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.


And you and your mum never talk about it?


What about Pandora?

God, no.

Al, you should talk to someone.

Yeah, I know.

It's just...

I worry about starting talking, you know?

What happens if you start...

and, I don't know, you can't stop?

And you just become it...

You... You just become...

all of your stuff?

I don't wanna talk about Amy again, okay?



I'm not being a dick. I just...

I don't remember anything about it.

Just what I got told.

I don't have my own actual memory
about it.

It's all right.

Are you okay?


I don't wanna scatter the last bit of Dan.

Me neither.

I don't wanna remember him right now.

Let's take him back to Amelia's.


- Are you sure you don't mind driving?
- No, it's fine.

I'm just sorry I drank, again.

It's okay.

Let's just go home.


Now at least we don't have to go
to Scotland.

Yeah. Too cold.

- Al.
- What?

That's a bit weird.

Do you think we should stop?

- No. I don't--
- I'm sure it's fine.

- No, I don't.
- She does look quite vulnerable, actually.

Look, we can't have this conversation
in front of her.

Just keep driving.

What if it's a sign?

- What?
- From Dan.

Never pick up hitchhikers. You know that.

Look, I really don't think Mary Poppins
is going to rip us, do you?

What if someone dodgy picks her up?



You okay?


I'm Seph.

- Sorry?
- Seph.


Lovely name.

Thank you.

I'm Alex.


Oh, just Alex.

Oh, sorry. I'm Diana.

So where is it you want to... to get to?


where my son lives.


Is that an iPhone?

- Yeah.
- It is, yeah.

You got one?

No. I lost my phone.

I mean, I didn't have one.


Where is Oxnam?

Which... Which county is it?


Oh, um...

I'm so sorry, Diana. We're going south.


We're headed south. I'm so sorry.
We can't take you to Scotland.


Hey, look. It's okay. It's okay.

We need to get petrol,
so just come with us.

We'll take you to a service station,
and we'll work out what to do.

It's a sign.

What else does Dan have to do?

Come back from the dead
wearing a fucking kilt.

So now you do want to go to Scotland?

She's... I don't know. Yeah.

- Yes, I do.
- Alex!


There's something really not right
about her.

- Exactly.
- I'm not being a dick...

but do you think we should try
and get her sectioned?


I mean, for her own good.

You... You can't just
get someone sectioned.

- Why not?
- Because just... You can't!

You don't have a fucking roving
rural team of mental health specialists

boning around Yorkshire.

I'm serious. She's mad.

- It's worrying me.
- She's not mad.

She's running away from someone.
Seph, I think she's really frightened.


We're going to drive you to Scotland.

Are... Are you sure?


Did you laminate that, Diana?

Oh, yes. I thought for the rain here.

I'm sorry for what I said...

the mad business.

Oh, gosh. Don't be.

I'm sorry you were frightened.

I'm just not quite... myself.

Are either of you married?

- No.
- No.

Don't you have a ring?

I saw it before.


I do.

I'm not sure.

Is he... Is he nice?

Yeah, he's really nice.

But he might be nice for someone else.

Where's yours?


Not nice?

Seph, for God's sake.

No, he isn't.

So you said your son's in Oxnam.

- Sorry?
- Your son. You said that's where he lives.


- He's a vet.
- Right.

I haven't seen him for... for years.

His father... My...

He was...

He made him leave when he...

And, I didn't.


- What?
- What?

That's his name.



I need a drink.

What would you
like to drink, Diana?

Oh, let me, please.

No, no, it's my round.
What would you like?

A whiskey, please.

Some coke.

I'm just gonna go have a cigarette.

Can I come?

Yeah, of course.

Do you want one?

Oh, no. I don't, thank you.

All right.

Hey, have you got any cash?


They don't take card.

Oh, here. Let me.

Oh, no. No. I wanted to
because of, you know, before.

No, please.

And I... I want to pay you
for the petrol as well.

I wrote it on my sign.

No, you don't have to--

I'll pay you back.


Is that all your money?

You don't have a card?

You shouldn't be carrying around
that much cash.

- I don't have a bank account.
- Right.

I think he was gearing up
to kill me finally.

Maybe I do sound mad.


We'll get you to your son's. I promise.

It's okay.

It's okay. Don't worry.

So we just thought...


And we don't want to remember him
like that.




I'm sorry. Forgive me for saying this.

- Yeah, that's okay.
- What?

He's very ill...

this boy, your friend. He's dying.

He's just...


Mad. Cruel.

But he's not angry with you.

You should take him.

Finish it.

Because if you don't, you might regret it.

You will regret it.

You'll feel bad...

and you'll always feel bad.

And you'll say
you'll come back here and do it...

but you won't.

You know...

I don't think it's...

Actually, I... I don't think it's...

Because he looks so...

Yes. No, no, I...
I don't think it's a good idea.

Yes. I think it's best if I...

Can you take me
to the nearest train station, please?

It's all right.

You okay?


Give me a sec, Al, yeah?

Hi, James.

No, I'm fine.


Sorry about the last time we... met.

Yeah, you probably wonder
why I'm keeping that in...

Why not just make everything nice?

Well, 'cause that would be bullshit.

You know it. I know it.

And that's not what this is.

I can be a dick, as you know.

And you're both awful...


Yeah, I mean, mostly not, but...

Anyways, in, uh...

for honesty...

for balance.


that may not seem
like the right thing to do, but...

there you go.


You were just here.

Came to visit me.


Ben Lomond.



I... I came here with Henry.

I'd not been great.

I was 17...

Sad, self-indulgent...

just broken up with someone.

Okay, fair enough,
she'd just broken up with me.

And Henry took me on
a walking holiday.


Yeah, and it was...

honestly, one of the best things
I've ever done.

We were out there for about a week.

Yeah, I hated it at first.

Hated him for taking me there.

We had these really long,
awkward walks in silence.

But then...

I don't know.

Well, no. I do know.
I just stopped being a dick.


Ben Lomond was where we went
on the last day.

And I think...

it's one of the most beautiful places
I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, and when we got to the top,

I remember
thinking very clearly to myself...

I wanna come here again...

and I wanna come here with someone
I really love.

And I love you.

Oh, and please...

can you make sure you keep a bit of me...

for Mum and Henry?

For Mum.


I'm really sorry.

I really, really am.

You were here this morning with Henry

Oh, fuck. We can't do it, can we?
We just can't...


I can't, anyway.

And I tried just now
and, like, I really did...

but I just can't put my heart in my mouth
and say all the stuff...

And now there's no time.

But, look. Despite everything, just...

know that I love you.

Please, just know that...

because I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to say it...

live, as it were.

You two, please make sure
my mum watches this.

She probably has, but just in case
she found the last one hard or whatever,

just make sure she does.


Bye, Mum.

Bye, Henry.

Bye, you two.

Bye, everyone.

I love you.

Oh, and...

watch out for false summits.

There's a few.

- Hi. Good morning.
- Hey.

Does that look...

a little higher to you?



Try not to fuck it up...

but don't worry if you do.