Burlesque Assassins (2012) - full transcript

The Burlesque Assassins. Beautiful, deadly and a vital weapon in the war on communism that threatens the free world. Set in the 1950s, this tale of cold war espionage and intrigue follows superspies Johnny Valentine, Koko La Douce, Bombshell Belle and new recruit Bourbon Sue as they seduce their way within killing distance of a trio of villainy bent on global domination. See the fatal fan dance of Koko La Douce! See the brutal boa of Bombshell Belle! Witness firsthand the carnage and the cleavage as the enemies of The Burlesque Assassins discover that when it comes to these women, LOOKS CAN KILL!

[ ♪ ]















MISS MOLOTOV IT'S SUCH
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

MY NAME'S XARAH VON
DEN VIELENREGEN.

I'M A HUGE FAN.



THANK YOU DEAR.

WAIT, MISS MOLOTOV,
CAN I ASK YOU...

DO YOU HAVE
ANY ADVICE?

ALWAYS LEAVE
THEM WANTING MORE.





Von Hossenfeffer:
FROM A SECRET ADMIRER.

OR PERHAPS NOT
SO SECRET ANY LONGER

KATARINA MOLOTOV...

AND PERHAPS
NOT AN ADMIRER.



PROFESSOR VON HOSSENFEFFER
GERMANY SURRENDERED.

THE WAR IS OVER.

SO WHY MUST WE CHASE
YOU ALL OVER EUROPE?



AH, I HAVE
DISCOVERED SOMETHING...

SOMETHING
EXTRAORDINARY...

SOMETHING THAT
WILL MAKE ME

THE MOST POWERFUL
MAN IN THE WORLD...

WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?

THAT WOULD BE...

OF NO CONCERN TO YOU.

WHAT IS OF CONCERN TO YOU IS
THAT THE INTERFERING OF YOU

AND YOUR BURLESQUE ASSASSINS
WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED.



BUT I CAN BE
PERSUADED TO SHOW MERCY.



TELL ME WHERE I CAN
FIND JOHNNY VALENTINE

AND THIS CAN BE
SWIFT AND PAINLESS.



JOHNNY VALENTINE?

AH...

JOHNNY VALENTINE...

Johnny Valentine:
SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?



HEY BABYDOLL,
IT'S A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.

OH, THE PLEASURE'S
ALL MINE JOHNNY VALENTINE.

IT SEEMS AS
THOUGH THE PROFESSOR

HAS DISCOVERED
SOMETHING OF GREAT VALUE.

PERHAPS AGENT MOLOTOV
COULD PERSUADE HIM TO TALK.

I AM TOLD SHE CAN BE...

VERY PERSUASIVE.

DON'T I KNOW IT.

COME PROFESSOR...

I HAVE TO ASK YOU
A FEW QUESTIONS.

[ ♪ ]







I SEEN THE WAY
YOU LOOK AT HER MAXIM.

I SEEN IT,

BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

SHE'S NOT
INTERESTED IN YOU.

NEVER HAS BEEN,
NEVER WILL BE.



THE SOONER YOU GET
THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK

COMMIE SKULL,
THE BETTER.



IS THAT A TELEGRAM
IN YOUR POCKET?



FROM YOUR
GENERAL PERHAPS...

PERHAPS INFORMING YOU
THAT OUR TREATY IS OVER...

NO DOUBT ORDERING YOU
TO ESCORT THE RUSSIANS

TO NEAREST
AIR FORCE BASE...

WAR IS OVER.

THE ALLIANCE
BETWEEN OUR COUNTRIES

IS ENDING
AS WE SPEAK.

HOW MUCH LONGER
DO YOU THINK THIS

ROMANCE OF YOURS
WILL BE TOLERATED?

BY MOSCOW OR
BY WASHINGTON?

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU
CAN RESIST ME PROFESSOR?

NEIN...
I MUSTN'T...

HMM, VERY WELL.

[Von Hossenfeffer Screams]



A CURTAIN IS COMING
DOWN ON THIS ROMANCE.

AN IRON CURTAIN THROUGH
WHICH THERE CAN BE NO LOVE.



WELL, THAT MAY BE TRUE.

BUT NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS...

NO MATTER WHAT
COMES BETWEEN US...

SHE'LL ALWAYS
LOVE ME.

AND SHE'LL
NEVER LOVE YOU.



TELL ME PROFESSOR.

TELL ME WHAT
I WANT TO KNOW.

IT'S A WEAPON.

IT IS A WEAPON...

A WEAPON... AND HOW
WOULD ONE USE THIS WEAPON?

OOH...

THE WEAPON IS ACTIVATED
BY MEANS OF A CODE...

A CODE?

AND HOW COULD
I FIND THIS CODE?



(Whispering)
TELL ME.

OH!

THE CODE
WAS HIDDEN...

BROKEN INTO
THREE PARTS...



SO NONE BUT THE REICH
COULD EVER FIND IT...

[Gunshot]

ORDERS FROM
THE KREMLIN.

NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE RUSSIAN
PARANOIA TO SPOIL THE DAY.

AND YOU, WITH YOUR ORDERS
TO DEPORT US BACK TO MOSCOW.

[ ♪ ]

IS IT TRUE JOHNNY?

YEAH...



ESPIONAGE IS A SMALL WORLD,
JOHNNY VALENTINE.

OUR PATHS WILL
CROSS AGAIN SOON...

IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WAR
WITHOUT YOU, BABYDOLL.

A LONG COLD WAR.



[Door Closes]

[Gong]

[Gong]

[ ♪ ]







HEY GUYS...

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

UH...

BUY YOU A DRINK?

SURE.



HEY.

SOMETHING
FOR THE LADY.

BOURBON SUE?

THAT'S WHAT
THEY CALL ME.

SO UH...

YOU MUSTA BEEN
HERE BEFORE.

I BEEN
LOTS OF PLACES.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
YOU BOYS BEFORE.

WE'RE FROM DETROIT...

OH YEAH?
TELL ME...

DETROIT BOYS LIKE TO
DANCE WITH PRETTY GIRLS?

YEAH. YEAH.

WELL ALL
RIGHT THEN.













YOU A WORKING GIRL,
BOURBON SUE?

MAYBE...

BUT I AIN'T
WORKIN' TONIGHT.

YOU WANNA...

COME BACK
TO OUR HOTEL?

POUND BACK A FEW?

HOW ABOUT WE SKIP
THE HOTEL AND GO

"POUND BACK A FEW"
IN THE ALLEY RIGHT NOW?

HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!





STAY.













AH!

WHAT THE HELL?
YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT RANDY?

WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'M A REAL KNOCKOUT.

YOU'RE IN BIG
TROUBLE NOW LADY!

(Sue Chuckles)

YOU'RE GONNA NEED
SOMETHIN' A WHOLE LOT BIGGER

THAN THAT IF YOU
WANNA PLAY WITH ME.

OH YEAH?

[ ♪ ]







YOU MUST BE
BOURBON SUE.

WHAT'RE YOU,
THE COPS?

NOPE.

ROBBERS?

NO.

WELL THEN WHO
THE HELL ARE YA?

I'M JOHNNY VALENTINE.

AND I'M
YOUR NEW BOSS.

I WORK ALONE.

AH!

CONGRATULATIONS
BOURBON SUE.

YOU'VE BEEN RECRUITED INTO
THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.

THE WHAT?

Narrator:
THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.

BEAUTIFUL,
DEADLY,

AND A VITAL FIRST LINE OF
DEFENSE IN THE WAR ON

TYRANNY THAT
THREATENS OUR FREEDOM.



CREATED IN 1941
BY FOUNDING MEMBERS

JOHNNY VALENTINE
AND KATARINA MOLOTOV,

THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS
WERE A TOP SECRET

JOINT OPERATION BETWEEN
"THE AGENCY" AND

THE SOVIET UNION'S
SECRET POLICE.

REALIZING THAT THE
IRRESISTIBLE FEMININE CHARMS

OF THE DANCE HALL
WERE THE IDEAL COVER

TO GAIN INTIMATE ACCESS TO
THE HIGHEST RANKING MEMBERS

OF THE NAZI REGIME, JOHNNY
VALENTINE AND KATARINA MOLOTOV

BEGAN A CAMPAIGN OF
RESISTANCE THAT SPREAD

THROUGHOUT THE
INFAMOUS THIRD REICH,

CLAIMING HUNDREDS
OF ENEMY LIVES.

THEIR GOAL,
TO OVERTHROW THE AXIS POWERS.

THEIR CODE NAME,
THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.

THEIR METHOD,
SEDUCE AND DESTROY.

CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE COMPLETION

OF YOUR
RIGOROUS TRAINING,

AND YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO THIS
ELITE TEAM OF DEADLY ASSASSINS.



SO I'M GONNA BE ONE OF
THESE "BURLESQUE ASSASSINS"?

YUP.

WHAT ABOUT THE RIGOROUS
TRAINING THE MOVIE TALKED ABOUT?

WE'RE IN BIT
OF A HURRY SUE,

WE'RE CUTTIN' SOME CORNERS,
YOU'RE GONNA LEARN ON THE JOB.

WELL, WHAT IF DON'T WANNA
BE A BURLESQUE ASSASSIN?

DON'T WANNA BE A
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN?

WELL... I DUNNO.
WHAT'S IT PAY?

ROOM AND BOARD.

WHAT ARE THE HOURS?

24 HOURS A DAY
7 DAYS A WEEK

FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.

NOW, WELL WHY THE HELL
WOULD I WANNA DO THAT?

WHY?

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA SPEND YOUR
LIFE TRAVELLING THE GLOBE,

TAKING ON THE MOST EVIL
AND DIABOLICAL MINDS

OF HUMAN
EXISTENCE, SEDUCING,

AND THEN KILLING THEM
ALL IN DEFENSE OF

FREEDOM
AND DEMOCRACY?

WHY WOULD YOU
WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A

NON-STOP ADRENALINE
FILLED ADVENTURE

FULL OF LUST, DANGER
AND INTRIGUE WITH

INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE
AT EVERY TURN?

WHY?
I DUNNO...

YOU GOT SOMETHING
BETTER TO DO?

NO.

GOOD, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

I'M BOURBON SUE.

GOOD FOR
YOU DARLING.

SO WHERE WE GOING?

JUNO, ALASKA.
ARCTIC MISSION...

WE MUST BE SOMEWHERE
OVER NORTH DAKOTA NOW.

OR MAYBE EVEN THE
CANADIAN PRAIRIES.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER BEEN
IN AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.

IT'S PRETTY NEAT.

NEVER BEEN
IN AN AIRPLANE?

OH, I GUESS YOU NEVER PARACHUTED
OUTTA ONE THEN NEITHER?

HUH?

ALRIGHT EVERYBODY!
THIS IS A SKYJACKING!

OH MY GOD.

[ ♪ ]

- TIME TO GO KID.
- WHAT?

TIME TO GO.

WE'RE GETTING OUTTA
THIS BUCKET OF BOLTS.

GO? WE CAN'T GO!
THIS IS AN AIRPLANE!

- HERE, PUT THIS ON.
- WHAT'S THIS?

- A PARACHUTE.
- PARACHUTE?

PARACHUTE.

NO NO NO I CAN'T
JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE!

- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T KNOW HOW!

IT'S EASY.
YOU SEE THAT YELLOW CORD?

- UH, YEAH...
- COUNT TO THREE AND PULL.

WAIT, PULL THIS
AND COUNT TO THREE?

CLOSE ENOUGH.



HEY RED, YOU COMING?



Bombshell Belle:
OH, STUPID PARACHUTING...

ALWAYS TURNS MY HAIR INTO
A BLEEDIN' RAT'S NEST.

[Radio Starts Playing Loud]

WELL, YOU'VE
GOT THE RADIO...

MAYBE IF YOU
CONNECTED THE--

AH.



I DON'T UNDERSTAND
ALL THE SECRECY JOHNNY?

WHY WE GIVING OUR
OWN BOYS THE SLIP?

'CAUSE THIS MISSION'S
AS TOP SECRET AS THEY COME.

EVEN THE AGENCY CAN'T
KNOW WHAT WE'RE UP TO.

GALS, WE'RE GOING
AFTER THE WEAPON.

THE WEAPON?

UM...
WHAT'S "THE WEAPON"?

OH I REALIZE YOU AIN'T
BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED.

BOURBON SUE, MEET
YOUR NEW PARTNERS,

BOMBSHELL BELLE, LONDON
ENGLAND AND KOKO LA DOUCE,

TOP GERMAN AGENT.

SO THE WEAPON.... WELL,

SHORTLY AFTER WW II THE NAZIS
TEAMED UP WITH THE ITALIANS

AND USED SOME DRAWINGS
BY LEONARDO DA VINCI

TO MAKE A ULTIMATE WEAPON,
A DEATH RAY.

DEATH RAY?

Koko:
YES BUT THE DEVICE
REQUIRED ENORMOUS POWER.

THEY WERE NEVER ABLE TO
GET IT TO KILL ANYTHING

LARGER THEN A CAT.

SO IT'S REALLY MORE OF
A NAZI CAT KILLIN' RAY.

POOR KITTIES...

Koko:
BUT WITH THE
INVENTION OF NUCLEAR POWER

THE NAZIS FINALLY HAD
A WAY TO FUEL IT.

THAT BECAME
THE WEAPON.

THE NAZI
ATOMIC DEATH RAY.

THE NAZI
ATOMIC DEATH RAY?

WELL IT WAS JOHNNY HERE
WHO FOUND OUT THEY HAD

GOTTEN THE THING MADE RIGHT
AT THE END OF THE WAR.

AH, ME AND KATARINA...

GOOD TIMES.

THE DAMN WAS THOUGH
IT WAS GONE. VANISHED.

SMUGGLED OUT OF BERLIN JUST AS
THE RUSKIES WERE CLOSING IN.

RUMOUR HAS IT
IT'S HIDDEN SOMEWHERE

IN THE GOOD
OLD U.S. OF A.

LAYING DORMANT...

WAITING TO BE ACTIVATED BY
MEANS OF A SPECIAL CODE.

THIS CODE WAS SEPARATED
INTO 3 PIECES,

AND DISSEMINATED
AROUND THE GLOBE,

THE IDEA BEING THAT ONE DAY
THEY'D BRING ALL THE PARTS

OF THE CODE TOGETHER,
ACTIVATE IT,

AND TAKE REVENGE
ON THE FREE WORLD.

THE DAWN OF
THE FOURTH REICH.

AND NOW THE 3 PARTS OF
THE CODE ARE COMING TOGETHER?

Johnny:
BINGO.

YOU'DA KNOWN ALL THIS IF
YOU READ YOUR HANDBOOK...

THERE'S A HANDBOOK?

BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
ALL THE SECRECY JOHNNY?

WELL, THE
SECRECY'S ON ACCOUNT

OF HOW I GOT
THIS INFORMATION...

[Radio Buzzing]

Voice From The Radio:
DO NOT MOURN AGENT LILY WHITE.

SHE WAS A TRAITOR WHO
BETRAYED YOU TO THE K.G.B.

I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.

Voice From The Radio:
NO?

Lily White's Voice:
...AT 7 HUNDRED HOURS.

THEN MISTER VALENTINE
WILL BE COMING TO HAVANA

TO MEET WITH BATISTA AT
THE PALACIO NATIONAL...

Voice From The Radio:
WE HAVE A COMMON
ENEMY JOHNNY VALENTINE.

AN ENEMY THAT HAS BEEN
HIDING FOR 10 YEARS NOW.

AN ENEMY THAT HAS BEEN QUIETLY
GATHERING PIECES OF PUZZLE,

WAITING FOR
MOMENT TO STRIKE.

SO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE CARE OF IT...

ME AND THE
BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.

Voice From The Radio:
AGENT LILY WHITE WAS NOT

THE ONLY TRAITOR WITHIN
THE RANKS OF THE AGENCY.

IF YOU WISH TO STOP THEM,
YOU WILL HAVE TO COME ALONE.

Belle:
SO THAT'S IT?

THEY DIDN'T TELL
YOU NOTHING ELSE?

Johnny:
NO.

THAT'S IT.

NOTHING ELSE.

Belle:
SO THAT'S WHY WE
TOOK OUT OUR OWN GUYS...

OH, I DUNNO JOHNNY,
SOUNDS LIKE A TRAP TO ME.

YEAH, SOMETHIN' IN
THIS KITCHEN AIN'T KOSHER.

AND SEEING HOW THIS
AIN'T AN OFFICIAL MISSION.

IF YOU WANNA BACK OUT,
NOW'S THE TIME.

JESUS JOHNNY, IT AIN'T LIKE WE
NEVER WALKED INTO A TRAP BEFORE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU KID?

IT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN ON
YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

- FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?!
- HEILIGER STROHSACK!

YOU'RE BRINGING HER IN
ON A MISSION LIKE THIS

RIGHT AFTER
COMPLETING HER TRAINING?

- TRAINING?
- JOHNNY WHAT THE--

LOOK, WE HAVE A POTENTIAL
MOLE IN THE AGENCY,

IF WE HAVE ANY CHANCE OF
SUCCEEDING ON THIS MISSION

I NEED THREE
AGENTS BY MY SIDE.

THREE AGENTS
I CAN TRUST.

YOU...

YOU'RE TOO GOD-DAMN
SOPHISTICATED TO BE A SPY.

WELL I SHOULD
THINK SO.

AND YOU...
YOU'RE JUST TOO CRAZY.

AW, THANKS JOHNNY.

SUE HERE...
SHE CAN'T BE A DOUBLE AGENT!

SHE'S A NOBODY!

NO OFFENSE KID.

SHE'LL LEARN
ON THE JOB,

JUST LIKE ME AND
KATARINA DURING THE WAR.

SHE'LL BE FINE.

THIS IS A
BIG DEAL YEAH?

AGENTS TRAIN FOR YEARS TO GET
A SHOT AT A MISSION LIKE THIS.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE...

Koko:
SHE'S RIGHT, BOURBON SUE.

WITH A MISSION LIKE
THIS ON YOUR RESUME

YOU WOULD RISE TO THE TOP
RANKS OF GLOBAL ESPIONAGE.

RIGHT... PROVIDED SHE MAKE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT OF COURSE.

OH COURSE.
OH COURSE.

[ ♪ ]


[Crowd Cheering]



Koko:
SO... WHO ARE THE TARGETS?

Johnny:
SO FAR, I'VE IDENTIFIED

TWO OF THE THREE TARGETS
WE'LL BE TAKING DOWN.

THEY'RE HEIRS TO THE LEGACY OF
THE EVIL OF WORLD WAR II...

...ONE IS THE LITTLE KNOWN
SON OF THE ITALIAN DICTATOR...

BENITO MUSSOLINI JR.



AND THE OTHER,
IS AN UNHOLY CREATURE

SPAWNED IN THE UNNATURAL
LABS OF THE S.S...

THE CLONE
OF HITLER.





ADOLF!
YOU SHAVED IT!

OF COURSE I
SHAVED IT YOU FOOL!

WE ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE IN DISGUISE!

WHY ARE YOU WEARING
YOUR UNIFORM?

I LIKE
THIS UNIFORM.

HUH, IT MAKES
MY PECS LOOK BIG.

I WANTED TO LOOK
GOOD FOR THE LADIES...

BUT YOU KNOW IT LEFT A LITTLE
WHITE SPOT WHERE YOU SHAVED IT?

LIKE A...
LIKE A MOUSTACHE TAN LINE...

I'VE NOT
SEEN THAT BEFORE.



Sue:
WAIT A SEC...

I THOUGHT THE CODE WAS
SPLIT UP INTO THREE PIECES?

WHOSE GOT
THE THIRD PIECE?

I'M NOT SURE YET,
BUT I GOT MY SUSPICIONS...



Johnny:
HEY KID,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

TONIGHT YOUR MISSION
IS TO FOLLOW ORDERS.

AND ONCE YOU MAKE
YOUR FIRST KILL,

YOU'LL BE A FULL FLEDGED
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.

AND IT'S GOTTA BE
ONE OF THE BAD GUYS,

IN CASE YOU
WERE WONDERING.

ONE TIME JOHNNY!
ONE TIME! JESUS!







HIYA FELLAS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

I'M LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING LIGHT,

LIKE A NICE
BOTTLE OF A CHIANTI.

SO LIKE A RED?

OK.

AND YOU?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE
FOR GERMAN BEER?

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN...

I DUNNO...
WE GOT GERMAN STYLE BEER...

WHAT DO YOU
MEAN GERMAN STYLE?!

IT CANNOT BE
GERMAN STYLE...

IT IS EITHER
GERMAN OR IT IS NOT!

DON'T GET ALL
SNARKY, ADOLF.

I'M NOT GETTING
ALL SNARKY, BENNY!

LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
GET ALL STRESSED ABOUT IT

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T
BE DRINKING AT ALL?

YOU WANT
A SHIRLEY TEMPLE?

NO I DO NOT WANT
A SHIRLEY TEMPLE!

THE FÜHRER DOES NOT
DRINK A SHIRLEY TEMPLE!

(Muttering)
THE FÜHRER DOES NOT
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.





THERE IT IS.
I GOT A DRESSING ROOM

FOR US IN THE BASEMENT
AND A BOX FULL OF GOODIES.

KOKO,
YOU'RE UP FIRST.

YOUR TARGET,
MUSSOLINI JR.

YOU'RE MISSION...
SEDUCE AND DESTROY.

MY PLEASURE,
JOHNNY.



AIN'T YOU COMING
WITH US MISTER VALENTINE?

I'LL BE THERE, KID...

I JUST GOT A HUNCH THAT OUR
MYSTERY MAN MIGHT KNOW MY FACE.

I GOTTA
COME INCOGNITO.

OH...

HEY...

YOU'RE GONNA
BE FINE KID.

I GOT A SENSE
FOR THESE THINGS.

ONE GOOD CLEAN KILL
AND YOU'LL EARN

THE TITLE OF
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.

HEY,
I AIN'T WORRIED.

SEDUCE AND
DESTROY, RIGHT?

YOU GOT IT, KID.









THOSE ARE
THE TARGETS...



DON'T STARE, DARLING.

JUST ACT NATURAL.







LOCK'S BUSTED,
SWEETHEART.



OH KOKO, YOU SHOULD
CHECK OUT ALL THE

NIFTY TOYS
JOHNNY GOT US.

IS THIS THE M 97
TACTICAL FOLDING FAN?

HONEY,
IT'S THE M 97 B!



Koko:
I THINK I FEEL A FAN
DANCE COMING ON THEN.



WHAT'S THIS?





HE TOLD US TO
BE HERE AT 9:00!

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS THAT
HE CAN KEEP THE FÜHRER WAITING?!

DOES HE THINK WE
ARE SCARRED OF HIM?

RIGHT, IF YOU'RE
NOT SCARED OF HIM

THEN WHY DID YOU
PEE PEE YOUR PANTS

THE LAST TIME THAT
HE YELLED AT YOU, HUH?

I DID NOT
PEE MYSELF!

I TOLD YOU
I SPILLED MY DRINK!

RIGHT...

WELL I'M
SCARRED OF HIM.

THANKS YOU
SO MUCH COMRADE

FOR THIS GLORIOUS CHANCE
TO SERVE THE MOTHERLAND.

OF COURSE...
AND EVERYTHING IS ARRANGED?

OH YES SIR!

THE TELEGRAPH OPERATOR AND THE
RADIO OPERATOR IN NEW YORK.

ALL AS YOU
INSTRUCTED.

AND WHOM HAVE
YOU TOLD OF THIS?

NO ONE SIR!

YOUR PLAN IS
KNOWN ONLY TO ME.

EXCELLENT.

(Nervous Laughter)

MOTHERLAND IS GRATEFUL
FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.

SACRIFICE?

[Neck Snaps]





[Crowd Cheering]

HO HO HO
GENTLEMEN!

HOW ABOUT THE APPLAUSE FOR
THE AMAZING KITTEN DEVILLE!

AND NOW,
OUR NEXT PERFORMER,

ALL THE WAY FROM
HAMBURG, GERMANY.

SHE IS DRIPPING WITH
EUROPEAN SENSUALITY.

KOKO LA DOUCE!

[Crowd Cheers]

OI! IF YOU'RE
GONNA LEARN ON THE JOB

YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE,
SEE HOW IT'S DONE.

OH, RIGHT.

[Crowd Cheering]

ICH WEIß NICHT
ZU WEM ICH GEHÖRE,

ICH GLAUB ICH GEHÖRE
NUR MIR GANZ ALLEIN.

WENN ICH GERADE
DIR TREUE SCHWÖRE,

WIRD WIEDER EIN ANDERER
GANZ UNGLÜCKLICH SEIN.

[ ♪ ]







OH LOOK ADOLF.

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!

YOU WISH.





OH COME ON ADOLF.
YOU HAD TO OF SEEN THAT!

SHE'S WINKING AT ME!

SHE'S GORGEOUS!

SHE'S A FINE SPECIMEN.

SHE MUST HAVE A
LITTLE GERMAN IN HER.

OH YEAH?

WELL MAYBE SHE'D LIKE
SOME ITALIANO IN HER, HUH?!

















WOW...

YEAH, THAT KOKO LA DOUCE
SURE IS THE REAL DEAL ALRIGHT.

MISTER VALENTINE?

WATCH THIS MOVE, KID.

SHE'S DEADLY ACCURATE
WITH THAT THING...



UH, MISTER VALENTINE...

WHY ARE YOU
DRESSED LIKE A LADY?

I TOLD YOU KID,
I'M INCOGNITO.







[ ♪ ]

Narrator:
DATELINE CHICAGO.

THE YEAR, 1951.

YOU GOTTA LOOK
DOWN THE CUE, SEE?

Narrator:
KOKO LA DOUCE
INFILTRATES THE HIDEOUT

OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICAGO
GANGSTER KNOWN AS CHROME DOME

TO STOP THE FIRST
PIECE OF THE CODE

FROM BEING SOLD TO
A MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN.



KOKO SPRINGS
INTO ACTION.

NOT ON THIS
ASSASSIN'S WATCH.

LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE
FOR OUR HEROINE!

BUT KOKO'S GOT THE BALLS
TO HANDLE THESE BOYS.

AND A NICE HARD
STICK TO BOOT!



GET THE POINT
CHROME DOME?

PAL.
Narrator:
AND WHO DO
WE HAVE HERE?

NON OTHER THAN
JOHNNY VALENTINE.



BUT WAIT!
A TRAP!



JOHNNY VALENTINE
TO THE RESCUE.

[Gun Cocking]

A DOUBLE CROSS.

AND WHO IS
THIS BEAUTY?

KATARINA MOLOTOV.

JOHNNY VALENTINE.

Narrator:
OUR LOVERS REUNITED.



HOW DID HE GET TO THE
BACK OF THE LINE AGAIN?

Narrator:
AND THE VILLAIN
MAKES HIS ESCAPE

WITH THE FIRST
PIECE OF THE CODE.

CRUCIFIX!

I'M NEVER GOING TO
CATCH HIM IN THESE HEELS.

I TOLD YOU WE
WOULD MEET AGAIN.

I WAS BANKING
ON IT SWEETHEART.

[ ♪ ]

Koko:
WELL DON'T LET THE
FATE OF THE FREE WORLD

INTERRUPT YOUR
LITTLE REUNION.



[Sirens Approaching]

DAMN.

WELL IT LOOKS LIKE COPS
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO GUNSHOT
BLASTS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.

AND MY SUPERIORS AT THE
K.G.B WOULD NOT BE PLEASED

IF I WERE TO BE PICKED UP
BY AMERICAN POLICE.

AIN'T NO ONE SUPERIOR
TO YOU, DOLLFACE.

OUR PATHS WILL CROSS
AGAIN, JOHNNY VALENTINE.

I KNOW THEY WILL,
MY LITTLE COLD WAR MINX.



[ ♪ ]









NOW THAT'S
WHAT IT TAKES.

[Crowd Cheering]

SO?
YOU READY?

ABSOLUTELY.

Emcee:
AND NOW, AN ACT
YOU'RE ALL SURE TO LOVE.

FROM NEW YORK CITY,
A REAL MANEATER.

MISS AMBER RAY!

[ ♪ ]





OHHH... IT'S TOO BAD
SHE DID NOT LIKE YOU

AS MUCH AS
SHE LIKES ME.

BUT DON'T WORRY,
MAYBE WE FIND ONE OF THESE

BUSBOYS TO
LOVE YOU, HUH?

DON'T BE STUPID!

I BET SHE THROWS ONE
OF THOSE OUT EVERY SHOW.

PROBABLY TO THE MAN WHO
LOOKS LIKE THE BIGGEST FOOL!

OH, I HOPE YOU BOYS
AREN'T FIGHTING OVER ME...

SO SHE'S GONNA
KILL THAT GUY?

YES SHE IS.

WHERE?

DRESSING ROOM.

HEY...

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
THING YOU'RE GOING?

I'M GONNA WATCH.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN
ON THE JOB IF I STAY HERE?



ALRIGHT. YOU JUST
GO SOMEWHERE SAFE,

AND STAY
OUTTA SIGHT.







I BELIEVE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING OF MINE.

OH... IT'S MINE NOW...

FINDERS KEEPERS, HUH?

WHAT MIGHT I HAVE TO DO
TO GET THAT BACK FROM YOU?

I'M NOT SURE...

PERHAPS A DANCE...

UNA DANCA PRAVITO, HUH?

IN MY DRESSING ROOM...
PERHAPS?



YEAH.

IS THAT-

COMRADE STALIN...

WHERE ARE
YOU GOING, BENNY?



THIS WOMAN WAS
OFFERING ME A DANCE...

A PRIVATE DANCE...



YOU SHOULD TAKE
GUARDS WITH YOU!

I WAS JUST TELLING HIM HE
SHOULD TAKE GUARDS WITH HIM.

YOU WERE NOT
SAYING THAT.

YES I WAS.
YOU DON'T LISTEN!

STALIN HE'S MAKING
THAT UP RIGHT NOW.

YOUR JUST A
BIG TATTLE NAZI!
OH YOU STUPID
SPAGHETTI HEAD!



MY FRIEND HERE IS A
SOMETHING OF A DIPLOMAT.

HE MUST BE GUARDED
AT ALL TIMES.

I AM SURE
YOU UNDERSTAND.

OF COURSE...
THIS WAY.



IT STAYS HERE.







WHAT IN GOD'S NAME
IS ON YOUR FACE?







FIND SOMEWHERE SAFE...

STAY OUT OF THE WAY...





THIS WAY
GENTLEMEN...



NO... OUTSIDE.



THESE MEN ARE MY PERSONAL
GUARD... THEY WILL STAY.

OF COURSE.

EVERY SHOW GIRL
LOVES AN AUDIENCE.

(Mussolini Jr. Chuckles)






































[Crowd Cheering]

HA!

- AH!
- AH!

[Crowd Cheering]

[Mussolini Jr.
Struggling to Breath]

YOU CAN
COME OUT NOW.

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE
TO MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD.

OK... I WANNA LEARN HOW
TO THROW A FAN LIKE THAT...

IT'S EASY DEAR.

JUST LIKE A FRISBEE.

WHENEVER I THROW A FRISBEE
IT ALWAYS COMES BACK

AND HITS ME
IN THE HEAD...

WELL PROBABLY
BEST NOT TO TRY IT THEN.

LISTEN WHY DON'T
YOU MAKE YOURSELF

USEFUL AND
GRAB A MOP.

OH RIGHT.

THESE GUARDS ARE LEAKING BRAINS
ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

[ ♪ ]







BENITO?

FINITO.

GOOD.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO
OUR THIRD TARGET IS...

JOE STALIN.

- STALIN?
- STALIN?

STALIN.

THAT DRESS DOES NOT
LOOK GOOD ON YOU JOHNNY.

I'VE TOLD YOU, PATTERNS
ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.

BUT, ISN'T HE DEAD?

Johnny:
SUE EVERYONE IN
THIS ROOM'S BEEN

OFFICIALLY DEAD
AT LEAST ONCE.

- TWICE.
- THREE TIMES.

17.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
OFFICIALLY DEAD...

OH, HERE.



THE POINT IS THE
STAKES JUST WENT UP.

THIS STALIN, HE'S NO RICH KID
PUSH OVER TYRANT WANNA BE

LIKE THESE OTHER
CLONES AND CLOWNS.

HE'S THE REAL DEAL,
AND REAL DEADLY.

Koko:
SO IS HE THE MYSTERIOUS
THIRD MAN YOU WERE EXPECTING?

Johnny:
NO, HE AIN'T... AND THAT
MAKES ME A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

BUT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

LADIES,
THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

I FIGURE WE GOT
ABOUT HALF AN HOUR

BEFORE MUSSOLINI'S MEN
START GETTIN' SUSPICIOUS.

WONDERING
WHERE HE'S AT.

SO WE NEED TO TAKE OUT CLONE
OF HITLER AND STALIN ASAP.

AND GET THE CODE TO
THE NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY!

RIGHT.

SO, FIRST UP BELLE,
CLONE OF HITLER.

THAT LEAVES YOU KID,
JOSEPH STALIN.

OI OI OI! WHY DO I GET
THE CLONE OF HITLER

IF STALIN'S
MORE DANGEROUS?

THAT'S NOT FAIR!
I'VE GOT SENIORITY!

LISTEN BELLE, THESE HITLERS
ARE REAL PARTICULAR.

THEY PREFER BLONDES AND
REDHEADS OVER BRUNETTES.



I'M SORRY TO HIT
YOU WITH A DOOZIE LIKE THIS

FOR YOUR FIRST KILL KID,
BUT SOMETIMES WE...

WE JUST GOTTA PLAY
THE CARDS WE'RE DEALT.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

Johnny:
DAMN STRAIGHT.

AND IF YOU DO SUCCEED IN
KILLING THAT COMMIE BASTARD

YOU'LL BE A FULL FLEDGED
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.

YOU... I NEED YOU
TO STAY OUTTA SIGHT.

WHILE BELLE GETS READY YOU
TWO HOLD DOWN THE FORT.

I'M GONNA GO UP TOPSIDE
AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.



HEY KOKO,
I THINK HE'S DEAD.

OH, RIGHT.



YOU IDIOT.

WELL I DID NOT KNOW IT
WOULD LEAVE A TAN LINE!

WHAT DID YOU THINK
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

YOU HAD THAT STUPID
MOUSTACHE SINCE YOU CAME

OUT OF
THE TEST TUBE.

OF COURSE THERE
IS A TAN LINE.

WELL YOU HAVE HAD YOUR
MOUSTACHE JUST AS LONG!

YES BUT I HAVE
MAN'S MOUSTACHE.

THE MOUSTACHE
OF A RULER.

WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE?

THE CHARLIE
CHAPLAIN OF EVIL?



Emcee:
OUR NEXT VETERAN PERFORMER

HAILS FROM
LONDON ENGLAND...

SHE OOZES SASS,
SAUCE, AND SEX APPEAL.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE
INCOMPARABLE BOMBSHELL BELLE!

[Crowd Applauding]

[ ♪ ]





♪ BEI MIR
BUST DU SCHOEN,

PLEASE LET
ME EXPLAIN, ♪

♪ BEI MIR BUST DU SCHOEN
MEANS YOUR GRAND ♪

♪ BEI MIR BUST DU SCHOEN,
AGAIN I'LL EXPLAIN, ♪

♪ IT MEANS YOU'RE THE
FAIREST IN THE LAND ♪

♪ I COULD SAY BELLA BELLA,
EVEN SAY WUNDERBAR, ♪

♪ EACH LANGUAGE ONLY HELPS ME
TELL YOU HOW GRAND YOU ARE ♪

SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU...

NO. YOU ARE MISTAKEN.

♪ BEI MIR
BIST DU SCHOEN,

KISS ME AND
SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ♪



SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU!

YOU SHOULD SMILE AT
HER OR SOMETHING.

MAYBE YOU CAN GET
LUCKY LIKE MUSSOLINI.



I AM NOT
INTERESTED.

HOW COULD YOU
NOT BE INTERESTED?

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!

I HAVE
SEEN BETTER.

YEAH...

BOYS FROM
HITLER YOUTH MAYBE?

WHAT?!

I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN SOME CABARET DANCER.

HOW COULD YOU NOT BE INTERESTED
IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?

SHE IS A HARLOT.

SHE'S ONLY INTERESTED
IN ME BECAUSE SHE IS

TRYING TO GET HER
HANDS ON MY MONEY.

SO? YOU HAVE A
BRIEFCASE FULL OF GOLD!

WHAT IS MONEY TO YOU?

IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE
THE FÜHRER OF YOUR BELOVED

FOURTH REICH THEN YOU
HAD BETTER START ACTING

LIKE A LEADER AND
NOT A COWERING GIRL.

IF YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH
TO CONQUER A WOMAN,

THEN YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO
FIGHT BESIDE JOSEPH STALIN.



FINE!

IF IT IS SO IMPORTANT
TO YOU I WILL WOO HER.

WOO HER WITH
MY ARYAN CHARMS.





[ ♪ ]

Narrator:
DATELINE OKLAHOMA.

THE YEAR, 1953.

BOMBSHELL BELLE POSSES AS A
KNIFE THROWER TO INFILTRATE

THE CIRCUS MOB OF THE
NOTORIOUS RINGMISTRESS.



HEY!

NOT SO CLOSE!

Narrator:
AGAIN THE ENEMIES OF
DEMOCRACY ATTEMPT TO TRADE

OUR FREEDOM FOR
WEALTH AND POWER,

BUT THE
BURLESQUE ASSASSINS

STAND POISED TO
DEFEND THAT FREEDOM.

READY TO ELIMINATE THE
MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN AND CAPTURE

THE PRECIOUS SECOND
PIECE OF THE CODE.

BUT THIS VILLAINOUS VIXEN STILL
HAS A FEW TRICKS UP HER SLEEVE.

HEY DARLIN'.

ALWAYS DID WANT TO RUN
AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS.

NOT REALLY
SURE WHO HE IS,

CLAIMED TO BE SOME
KINDA CARNIE PREACHER.

MIDGETS FOUND
HIM POKING AROUND.

THAT'S THE GOOD THING
ABOUT MIDGETS THOUGH.

THEY'RE THE RIGHT HEIGHT
FOR ALL SORTS OF THINGS.

Narrator:
BELLE SPRINGS
INTO ACTION.

HORRENDOUS HAND TO
HAND COMBAT ENSUES.

BUT WHERE THE BURLESQUE
ASSASSINS ARE AT WORK,

KATARINA MOLOTOV
IS NEVER FAR BEHIND.

AND THE RINGMISTRESS
IS ABOUT TO LEARN

THE PRICE OF RUBBING THIS
COMMIE KITTY THE WRONG WAY.

SCORE ANOTHER
VICTORY FOR FREEDOM!

BUT ONCE AGAIN THE MYSTERIOUS
VILLAIN SLIPS THROUGH THE

GRASP OF OUR HEROINE WITH
THE SECOND PIECE OF THE CODE.

HEY, HOW'D YOU?



OH BOLLOX!



Katarina:
I HAVE SAVED YOU.

YOU KNOW IN SOME CULTURES THAT
MEANS YOUR LIFE IS MINE...

WELL THAT'S A BAD
DEAL FOR YOU DOLLFACE,

'CAUSE I
ALREADY WAS YOURS.



I'VE GOT SOMETHIN'
FOR YOU BABYDOLL,

I'VE BEEN CARRYING IT AROUND IN
CASE WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER.

OH, JOHNNY!

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

UH, HI.
I'M BELLE.

OH, HOW RUDE OF ME,
BOMBSHELL BELLE,

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
KATARINA MOLOTOV...

THE ORIGINAL
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN...

AND THE FUTURE
MISSES VALENTINE,

THAT IS IF
YOU'LL HAVE ME.

BUT OF COURSE JOHNNY.



BUT THERE
IS STILL THIS

SILLY LITTLE MATTER
OF THE COLD WAR.

HMM, DETAILS.



BUT I DO SUPPOSE
THERE ARE SOME

LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.

NAMELY MUSSOLINI JR. AND
THE CLONE OF HITLER.

Katarina:
AND THIS MYSTERIOUS
FRIEND OF OURS

WHO SEEMS SO INTERESTED
IN THE DEATH RAY...

I DO HATE TO LEAVE
THEM OUT THERE...

AND I HATE TO LOSE.

SO THIS SHALL BE
OUR ENGAGEMENT...

ALRIGHT...

BUT AFTER WE KILL
THOSE BASTARDS...

AND AS SOON AS WE
DESTROY THE DEATH RAY.

RIGHT.



THERE IS STILL ONE
MORE PIECE OF THE PUZZLE

TO BE SOLVED JOHNNY.

WELL THEN I- I GUESS
I'LL SEE YOU THERE.



I DO SO THAT
HOPE YOU'RE

STILL WEARIN' THIS
RING WHEN I SEE YOU.



I PROMISE YOU, JOHNNY,
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE,

THIS RING WILL NOT
LEAVE MY FINGER.



CAN WE GET
OUTTA HERE, JOHNNY?

CLOWNS GIVE
ME THE CREEPS.

[ ♪ ]



♪ I COULD SAY
BELLA BELLA,

EVEN SAY
WUNDERBAR ♪

♪ EACH LANGUAGE ONLY HELPS ME
TELL YOU HOW GRAND YOU ARE ♪

♪ I TRIED TO EXPLAIN

♪ BEI MIR BIST DU SCHOEN

♪ KISS ME AND
SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ♪



[Crowd Cheering]

YOU SEE.
ARYAN CHARMS.

[Crowd Cheering]

AND WHERE IS MUSSOLINI?
HE SHOULD BE BACK BY NOW?

PERHAPS OUR ITALIAN
FRIEND TAKES A MORE TIME

WITH LADIES THAN YOU...

[ ♪ ]

WAITRESS!

OUR NEXT PERFORMER,
FROM THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO,

THE QUEEN OF CARNIVAL.

KELLITA!





EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?

I THINK SO.

THAT CLONE OF HITLER IS
ONE CREEPY LITTLE NAZI.

YEAH BUT, DO YOU
THINK THAT HE BIT?

HEY LADY...

THERE'S A GUY OUT FRONT
WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.



THEY ALWAYS
BITE JOHNNY...

JUST NOT AS
HARD AS ME.

"PLEASE JOIN ME
FOR A DRINK.

P.S., I HAVE
MUCH MONEY."

HUH, THAT'S CHARMING.





SHE'S NOT COMING.

YOU HAVE GIVEN TO HER WHAT THE
AMERICANS CALL "THE WILLIES".

I HAVE NOT GIVEN
HER "THE WILLIES".

PERHAPS IT WAS YOU WHO
GAVE HER "THE WILLIES"!

PLEASE. RUSSIANS ARE RENOWNED
FOR THEIR LOVEMAKING.

GERMANS ARE RENOWNED
FOR PICKLED CABBAGE.

Belle:
HIYA BOYS.

NOW WHICH ONE OF
YOU FINE GENTLEMEN

WROTE ME THIS
LITTLE INVITATION?

I'M BETTING IT WAS YOU,
WASN'T IT SWEETIE?



SAY SOMETHING YOU FOOL.

WHAT?
WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

COMPLIMENT HER.



HELLO.

I UH...

I LIKE YOUR FEET.

OH...

THANKS...

YOU WILL HAVE
TO EXCUSE MY FRIEND.

HE'S A LITTLE
SHY WITH LADIES.

OH, THAT'S OK.

I THINK SHY GUYS
ARE KINDA CUTE.



SO... DO YOU THINK
YOUR FRIEND HERE

MIGHT WANT BE INTERESTED
IN BUYING ME A DRINK?

- YES.
- NO!

AND DO YOU THINK HE
MIGHT BE INTERESTED

IN JOINING ME FOR
MORE PRIVATE SHOW...

BACKSTAGE?

- YES.
- NO!

HMM...
WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?

BUT MY WOMAN'S INTUITION TELLS
ME YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME.



ADOLF.
IT STAYS HERE.



GUARD THIS
WITH YOUR LIVES.





[Crowd Cheering]

(Sigh)



HAVE YOU SEEN
MY FRIEND? ITALIAN?

NAMED BENNY?
HE ALSO CAME BACK STAGE...

OH... I DON'T THINK SO.

HE WAS WITH
ANOTHER DANCER.

KOKO LA DOUCE.

OH, I'M SURE IF HE WAS WITH
KOKO THEN HE'S IN GOOD HANDS.



PERHAPS THIS
IS A BAD IDEA.

COME ON, YOU'LL
FEEL MORE RELAXED

AS SOON AS YOU'RE
IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

WHY ARE YOU SO EAGER TO
GET TO YOUR DRESSING ROOM?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

OI, THERE'S NO NEED TO
GET ALL WORKED UP ALRIGHT?

DON'T TOUCH ME!

MEIN GOT!

MEIN GOT...

WHO IS THIS
MAGNIFICENT CREATURE?

YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN I HAVE EVER SET EYES UPON!

YOUR EYES...

YOUR SKIN...

OH, THOSE MUSCULAR
FEMININE ARMS.

MEIN FÜHRER!

OOOH!
SO POWERFUL! OH MY.

OH SUCH
CHILD BEARING HIPS.

SAY, WHAT IF
MY FRIEND HERE...

PENELOPE...

WERE TO
DANCE FOR YOU?

Clone Of Hitler:
OH PENELOPE. YES!

YES, OH A DANCE
WOULD BE DIVINE!

YOU KNOW, BELLE, I REALLY
MORE THE DANCING TYPE.

OH DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
YOURSELF, PENELOPE.

BESIDES, THE CUSTOMER
IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

MMMM, I CAN
SMELL YOUR MUSK.

FINE!

FINE...
WE'LL DANCE FOR HIM.

TOGETHER.

READY AND WILLING
WHEN YOU ARE!

[ ♪ ]





Johnny:
JEEZ CHIEF,

KEEP YOUR
SHIRT ON ALREADY.

WE'LL BE IN THE DRESSING
ROOM ANY SECOND NOW.







AH, OH!



NOW HOW ABOUT THIS?

I'LL DANCE FOR YOU...

WHILE PENELOPE GIVES YOU
A NICE SOOTHING MASSAGE.

WUNDERBAR.







PLEASE DON'T KEEP ME WAITING
MY BEAUTIFUL VALKYRIE.

Sue:
HEY, WHY
YOU KICKING ME OUT?

Koko:
YOU CAN'T STAY DOWN HERE,

EVERYONE ELSE IS
IN THE BASEMENT!

YOU NEED TO GO
INTO THE THEATRE

AND KEEP AN
EYE ON THINGS.

Sue:
OH, RIGHT.



Koko:
DON'T CLOSE THE--

AH WUNDERBAR!



OHHH...



YOU BEEN A BAD BOY?

A VERY BAD BOY?

(Belle Barks)

WOOF WOOF, YES.



OOOH...









OI!





(Belle Barks)



ROOF ROOF.



[Crowd Cheering]

NOW MEIN SHOTSIE,

KEEP YOU EYE
ON THIS NEXT MOVE.

IT REALLY
KNOCKS 'EM DEAD.

[Crowd Cheering]

OH GOD HE'S GUSHING!

GET ME SOMETHING
TO PLUG HIS NECK!

[ ♪ ]

ANYTHING!

NO...
I REALLY LIKE THAT ONE.

ANYTHING BELLE!



OH GOD.
HEY...

WHAT HAPPENED
TO HITLER'S HEAD?

OUR NEXT PERFORMER COMES
FROM THE ROMANTIC CITY

OF ROME ITALY.

SCARLETT MARTINI AND
HER UNWELCOME GUEST.

[ ♪ ]







OUR LEADER HAS BEEN GONE
FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW.



(Sue Gasps)







GUARDS... COMING...
LOOKING FOR MUSSOLINI...







I'M GETTING BLOOD
ALL OVER ME.

SUE ON THE COUNT
OF THREE LIFT.



GO STASH
THAT THING.



SUE YOU'RE COVERED
IN BLOOD. CHANGE INTO SOMETHING.

INTO WHAT?

GET SOMETHING
FROM THE TRUNK.

YEAH.

IF THEY COME THIS WAY,
JUST ACT NATURAL.



Koko:
HELLO?



GET IN! GET IN!

Koko:
NO WAIT!

CRUCIFIX!



Johnny:
OH, HOW CAN THIS DOOR LOCK?

THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR
DOESN'T EVEN LOCK?



CAPITANO?
HEIR HITLER?



(Sue Screams)



EXCUSE ME!
THIS IS A PRIVATE ROOM.

OH SORRY. WE WERE
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

WELL, HE AIN'T
IN HERE, IS HE?



[Crowd Cheering]

[ ♪ ]





[Gunshots]

Johnny:
BOURBON SUE'S IN TROUBLE!





Johnny:
EITHER OF YOU
GALS GOT A BOBBY PIN

I CAN PICK
THE LOCK WITH?

Belle:
WELL WHAT'S HOLDING ON
THAT WIG OF JOHNNY? STAPLES?

Johnny:
OH YEAH...







Johnny:
OPEN SESAME...





Koko:
NICE SHOT.



WELL, THERE WE GO,
RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.















[Crowd Cheering]

TRANSMIT THE CODE.

SET THE WEAPON TO
FIRE AT MIDNIGHT.

[Morse Code Beeping]

[Machine Beeping
and Powering Up]

Emcee:
AND NOW, WE HAVE
A TREAT FOR YOU.

A BRAND NEW
PERFORMER...

...A WOMAN WHO IS NAMED AFTER
THE DRINK THAT SHE SO LOVES.

...BOURBON SUE!

[Crowd Applauding]

[ ♪ ]

[Crowd Cheering]









SO, IF THESE GUARDS WERE
LOOKING FOR MUSSOLINI...

IF THEY DON'T
COME BACK...

WE JUST BOUGHT OURSELVES
A WHOLE MESS OF TROUBLE.





COMRADE STALIN.

OUR FÜHRER HAS
NOT RETURNED.

NOR HAS MUSSOLINI NOR HAS
THE MEN SENT TO LOOK FOR HIM.

THEY ARE FINE.

THERE IS NOTHING TO
BE CONCERNED ABOUT.

THIS IS A BAD
IDEA JOHNNY.

I'M INCLINED
TO AGREE.

YOU GOT A
BETTER IDEA?





WE ARE TAKING OUR MEN
TO SEARCH BACKSTAGE.

YOU WILL STAY HERE.

THE PRIORITY IS
TO GUARD THE CODE.

Guard:
YOUR PRIORITY
IS THE CODE.

OUR PRIORITY IS THE
SAFETY OF OUR LEADERS.

AH, THERE IT IS!



THIS IS A
REALLY BAD IDEA...

WHILE THEY ARE AWAY I AM
IN CHARGE OF THIS MISSION.

MY ORDER IS TO STAY
AND GUARD THE CODE,

AND YOU WILL
OBEY MY ORDERS.

THIS IS A BAD
IDEA JOHNNY.

JUST DO
IT ALREADY.





WE DON'T TAKE ORDERS
FROM YOU STALIN.

WE ARE GOING.





(Johnny Laughs)

PRETTY AS
A PICTURE.



THIS IS THE CREEPIEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

THIS IS NEVER
GOING TO WORK.

Belle:
YEAH... HE WAS PRETTY CREEPY
WHEN HE WAS ALIVE THOUGH...

IT MIGHT WORK...



GENTLEMEN.

WE DO NOT WANT A SCENE...

WELL THEN TELL YOUR
MEN TO STAND DOWN.



LOVELY. JUST LIKE A
COUPLE OF SPRINGTIME LOVERS.

STAY IN THE DARK,
EVERYTHING'LL BE FINE.



YOU ARE BEING PARANOID.

WHAT COULD THERE BE TO
FEAR IN THIS THEATRE?

WELL THEN WHY,
WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED

FOR THE SAFETY
OF THE CODE?

AH, LOOK!

ARE YOU SATISFIED?

THEY ARE MERELY
ENJOYING THEMSELVES.

KEEP SMILING.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THIS IS YOUR LEADER AND
NOT A WALKING CADAVER...



[Crowd Cheering]

[ ♪ ]





















THE SULTAN WISHES TO
THANK THE EMPRESS ANASTASIA

FOR THE GIFT OF
THIS LOVELY DANCER.

SHE WILL HAVE THE
SUPPORT OF HIS SULTANATE

WHEN SHE MOVES
AGAINST THE COMMUNISTS.





(Sultan Coughing)



(Coughing Continues)





POISON!

THE SULTAN HAS
BEEN POISONED!





THE CUP HAS
PROVEN HER INNOCENT.

THE POISON WAS
IN THE VEIL.



NO DOUBT AN ASSASSIN
SENT BY COMMUNISTS.

SHE'S DEADLY.

KILL HER QUICKLY WHILE
YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE.



IF YOUR HEART WILL ONLY
BEAT FOR JOHNNY VALENTINE,

THEN IT WILL
NOT BEAT AT ALL.

(Katarina Screams)





























[Crowd Cheering]

[Crowd Cheering]

[Crowd Cheering]

ASSASSINS!

[ ♪ ]





























HEY!

[ ♪ ]



(Guard Screams)



[Machine Whirring]

JOHNNY...
JOHNNY VALENTINE.

[Maxim Chuckles]

[ ♪ ]



MAXIM. I THOUGHT
I SMELLED A RAT.

SO MUSSOLINI JR. AND THE
CLONE OF HITLER THOUGHT THEY

WERE WORKING FOR JOE STALIN
TO GET THOSE PRECIOUS CODES.

THEY PAID ME A FORTUNE
TO RETRIEVE THE CODE FOR THEM,

AND THEN I LURED YOU
HERE TO KILL THEM FOR ME.

YEAH, BUT MAXIM,

YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA
COME IN HERE ALONE.

AS SO MANY
BEFORE YOU,

YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE
CUNNING OF THE RUSSIANS.

LIKE SO MANY BEFORE YOU,
IT WILL BE YOUR LAST MISTAKE.

(Maxim Snaps)





IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

THE WEAPON IS POWERING
UP AS WE SPEAK...


[Machine Whirring]



AND NOW I
WILL DESTROY YOU.

I WILL DESTROY YOU LIKE I
DESTROYED YOUR BELOVED KATARINA.

CUT DOWN
IN THE DESERT.

HER BODY LEFT AS
A FOOD FOR THE RATS.

ALL THAT REMAINS OF
YOUR PRECIOUS KATARINA IS

BONES BAKING
IN THE SUN.

AND THE RING.



WHAT?

THE RING
YOU SENT ME.

NO...

[ ♪ ]

NO.



ALLOW ME TO
INTRODUCE MY COMRADES...

THE CABARET OF DOOM.

MY OWN PRIVATE ARMY.

A LITTLE SIDE PROJECT
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON

WHILE AT THE K.G.B.

(Johnny Laughs)

NO!

HUH.

PLEASURE TO SEE YOU AGAIN
MISS KATARINA MOLOTOV.

Katarina:
THE PLEASURE IS MINE
JOHNNY VALENTINE.

I THOUGHT I'D
LOST YOU BABYDOLL.

I MEAN, HOW ELSE
WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE

GETTING THIS
FINGER IN THE MAIL?

JOHNNY, PLEASE...
I PROMISED YOU THIS RING

WOULD NOT LEAVE MY FINGER
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE...

AND IT HAS NOT.





[Machine Whirring]

[Machine Whirring Louder]

YOU THINK THIS
IS A VICTORY?

THE WEAPON HAS
BEEN ACTIVATED.

IN MOMENTS, ALL OF
MANHATTAN WILL DIE SCREAMING

AND THE WORLD WILL FALL AT
MY KNEES BEGGING FOR MERCY!

YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OUTTA HERE ALIVE MAXIM.

REALLY?



ONCE I SLIT YOUR THROAT,
THE DEATH IS ABSOLUTE...

BUT I STILL THINK
THAT YOUR FRIENDS

WILL STOP AND
TRY TO SAVE YOU...

LONG ENOUGH FOR
ME TO ESCAPE.

YOU REALLY
WANNA KILL ME?

HUH.

TAKE LOOK AT THESE...



MMM, BEAUTIFUL...

BUT IT CHANGES NOTHING...

OH IT CHANGES
SOMETHING.

HU-

Everyone:
AAH!

HUH...

JUST LIKE A FRISBEE...

PSST.

OOOP!

HEY! WHAT ABOUT THE
NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY?

WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO?

[Machine Whirring]

WHAT?

[Machine Whirring Building Up]

[Machine Bings and
Music Begins to Play]

[ ♪ ]





WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

ISN'T ALL OF NEW
YORK DYING RIGHT NOW?



Johnny:
AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS A
NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY, KID.

WHAT?

WE LIED TO YA...
SORRY.

Katarina:
THE WAR WAS OVER...

JOHNNY AND I KNEW OUR TIME
TOGETHER WAS COMING TO AN END.

Johnny:
SO WE SLIPPED SOME
COCKAMAMIE ACTIVATION CODES

TO THAT NAZI NUT JOB
PROFESSOR WE WERE HUNTING.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

VON HOSSENFEFFER.

RIGHT.

WE KNEW IT WAS THE PERFECT
REASON FOR OUR GOVERNMENTS

TO KEEP US
CHASING EACH OTHER.

THE PERFECT PLOT FOR
OUR SECRET RENDEZVOUS.



WHAT NOW, BABYDOLL?

OUR WEDDING
OF COURSE.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK,
KATARINA MOLOTOV.

AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU KILL,
JOHNNY VALENTINE.







ALRIGHT
BURLESQUE ASSASSINS,

LET'S GET
OUTTA HERE.



HEY KID, SINCE
YOU KILLED MAXIM,

THAT INCLUDES
YOU OFFICIALLY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS
MISTER VALENTINE.

YOU'RE A
BURLESQUE ASSASSIN NOW...

YOU CAN
CALL ME JOHNNY.







I THINK I'M GONNA
LIKE THIS JOB...



















[ ♪ ]













































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