Buddy Games (2019) - full transcript

Throughout history,
humans have had a primal instinct to hunt,

to compete, to dominate.

Initially,
survival was a daily necessity.

Kill or be killed.
There was no choice.

And through these battles,
through all the aggression

against the opposition,
a respect developed.

An unexpected camaraderie
was born.

And around the world,
brotherhoods were forged.

But now that we're civilized
and spoiled

by the luxuries
of the modern world,

those instincts
have been dulled.



However, that primal need
to dominate remains.

Even today, people around
the world need an outlet,

an arena to crush
the competition.

And I'm not talking
about fantasy football.

I'm talking about
real competition.

Blood, sweat, and beer.

This is the story
about my group of friends.

And for the last 20 years,
we found that outlet

to unleash our need
to conquer, to win,

to be crowned king,

and to ruthlessly demoralize
our best buddies.

But at the end of the day,
we are lifelong friends,

and nothing could come
between our brotherhood.

Well, almost nothing.



Where are you?

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Get some.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck you!

Fuck!

Damn it!

Ow! Fuck!
Aaah! Aaah! Stop!

Fucking stop shooting!
Aaah!

Too much!

Oh, fuck.

Yeah!

- Who's the king?
- You're the king!

I want to say a couple words here.

I should not be
standing here

collecting another
championship,

but I am,
thanks to guys like Doc.

I had you, Shelly.
I had you.

You had me dead
in the fucking water,

- I did, Shelly.
- right there by the tree stump,

and then you... what happened?
You panicked, right? You spazzed out?

That is a good quality
in a doctor, you must admit.

Your patients are very lucky.
We'll let it go, and Zane...

- That's my name!
- "In Zane" in the membrane.

You idiot.
You're such an idiot.

This fucking guy!

And, Durfy, I was really hoping
you'd win, man.

- Oh, thank you.
- 'Cause I wanted to go down on the champion.

Since I'm the champion,
you can go down on me.

- Yeah, I'll start now.
- Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

It's "ding!" Like a bullet off Superman.
That's what that was.

Where's big Bob?
Big Bob! Bobfather!

- Yes!
- The man we owe it all to.

The man who put
all this shit together.

- Bobby, thank you. I love you, brother.
- Love you too, buddy.

And last but not least,
Dixon Bender "like Beckham."

Get over here, Bender.
Bender,

I, uh, I've won, uh,

six championships
in six years.

What do you have
to say about that?

- Well, Shelly, I...
- Oh, we're all out of time.

So sorry, Bender.
Love you, Bobby!

- Whoo!
- I need a beer.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bender, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry about earlier.

I was just trying to make sure
you were actually dead, you know.

Well, you did.
You shot me, like, 30 times, Shelly.

- Thirty times. You painted a fucking house.
- Yeah.

It hurt.

Aw, sweet, sweet Bender.
Come on.

Come on over here.
You didn't deserve that.

- I'll never do it again, okay?
- All right.

- You hear me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'Cause you are the toughest
son of a bitch I know,

and you wear your heart
on your shoe.

Aaah! Fuck!

You can be such
an asshole, dude. Fuck!

- You're 33?
- Yeah.

- Wow!
- You're so good looking for an older guy.

- Yeah! Totally.
- I am not.

- Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not.

You look like
a movie star.

You seriously think
I look like a movie star?

Yeah, totally!

- You're hot!
- Wow, thank you!

- What do you do?
- Oh, I operate a backhoe.

I dig a lot of, uh,
sewer mains and cesspools.

It's, uh, anywhere where waste
generally dissipates into the soil.

- Like poo? Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Pretty good job.

Your grandparents let you
throw parties like this here?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Really?

Well, every summer,
last 15 years.

- Oh, my...
- Hello! Who's this beautiful lady?

- Hi, I'm Tiff.
- Tiff?

Tiff, do you know
who this is?

- That's Bob.
- This is Bob.

Bob is the bestest,
sweetest son of a bitch

- in the whole, wide world.
- Are you gonna kiss me on the lips?

I'm gonna kiss you right on your
lips, you big, handsome...

- You guys should kiss.
- I love this guy.

Okay. Nikki calls.

Jesus Christ.

Careful...

Hey, who's got my bucket?

There you are, baby.

Sheldon Baldinger.

Why, Nikki Baldinger?
Hi, wifey.

I think it's time
we have a little chat.

Yeah? What do you want
to talk about?

I think it's time for
my big, strong champion

to take his trophy...
inside.

- Shelly! Shelly! We got a sleeper. Right there.
- Dude.

Mark did a bunch of absinthe.
He's basically in a coma.

So fire up the nut sac.

Time for the old
meat goggles.

Rain check, babe. I'm sorry.
I can't disappoint my fans.

Whoo! Who wants
some balls and gravy?

Balls! Balls! Balls!
Balls! Balls! Balls!

Ugh.

Unbelievable.
Look at this guy.

Why do I do this? Every year,
I get dragged down to these things.

Bunch of grown men
acting like teenage chimps.

Yeah, they're animals.

Poor Mark's passed out. Now he has
balls smeared all over his forehead.

He's a schoolteacher.

It's a good thing
Mark's students aren't here.

All he cares about is work

and beating his buddies at the Buddy
Games, especially you, Bender.

I haven't showered
for three days!

Why don't you
teach him a lesson?

From us. Come on.
It'll be fun.

- What, shoot him? I can't do that.
- Okay.

Two for one.
Two nuts, one guy.

Look familiar, Bender?

- What if I did?
- Yeah, do it.

Left hook. Uppercut.

Body blow. Aaah!

What?

Shel! Shelly!

Bender, you fucked him up
real good, man.

Jesus Christ,
what am I looking at?

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

You know,
I was doing the math

on how many years
we've been coming here,

- and it's five years of Sundays.
- I know.

She's making
the same casserole.

Oh, God.

My mom really
appreciates it though.

And I appreciate you
for coming with me.

I was thinking
that maybe we could

- add something to the Sunday routine.
- Like what?

I'm just gonna keep sliding down
the counter until you figure it out.

We could see
how we like that.

Yeah. You want
to do it right here?

You want to add something
to the Sunday routine?

I'm staring at a picture of myself
as a child staring back at me.

It's horrifying.

Oh, God!

Okay, my buns are warm.

Bless your heart!

Oh, I always forget
to heat those up.

Not a big deal.
I mean, look at your casserole.

- Isn't it good today?
- Oh...

- Did you do something different this time?
- No.

No, you baked a pie.
How am I gonna compete with you?

Oh, I bought
that pie, sweetie.

Bill hates my pie.

What? What's that?

I said,
you hate my pie.

Oh, yeah.
Store pie's better.

You know, I always think
that pie is pie.

You know,
as long as it's warm

and lots of whipped cream,
you know.

- Mmm.
- Bob loves my pie, right?

- I do love your pie. Very much.
- Yeah, Bob loves my pie.

Sounds like you guys
are talking about vagina.

- Oh, Bill!
- What?

Oh, good Lord!
I know what you meant.

No, we were actually
talking about vagina.

- No, we weren't.
- Oh, stop it.

Bobby, when are you
gonna marry this girl?

Mom, please.

- Peas?
- No, Dad. I don't want peas.

I want grandbabies,
for goodness sake.

I know you want grandbabies.
You say that every weekend.

- What are you guys waiting for?
- Mother...

Mary Ann Baldinger?

Uh, give me one second.

Why don't you take him away
somewhere romantic?

Mrs. Baldinger. This is a surprise.
How are you?

Not so good, Bobby.
Sheldon needs you. Now.

- We're at Silver Linings.
- Silver Linings? Like, the rehab?

Yes. I'll explain when you get here.
Come now.

- I'm sorry, you guys. I have to run.
- What?

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, I'll see you back at the house.

- Do you want me to go with you?
- Nope. You enjoy yourselves.

- Eat your casserole.
- I can...

Okay. Okay.

What?

What is going on?

Shouldn't his wife be here?
Where's Nikki?

Nikki?
The bitch filed for divorce,

sold the shares back to the
investors, and moved to Jamaica.

What?

He is in a dark,
dark place, Bobby.

Sheldon's a good boy.
Do you know what it's like

watching your boy wasting away
in front of your eyes?

I can't even imagine, Mrs. B.
I am so sorry.

I need you to do
something for me.

Yeah, anything. You name it.

Get the boys back together.

Yeah. Whatever you need.
We'll take him out,

- maybe go on a vacation.
- No.

His counselor said Sheldon
needs something to live for.

He needs a win.
He needs those games.

- The Buddy Games?
- Yeah.

No. No, no, no.

That's... That's not
gonna happen.

I'm not asking.
I'm telling.

If you have any compassion
in your soul whatsoever,

you will do this
for my boy.

Oh, don't be a pussy.

You were always
a leader of men.

What did the boys
used to call you?

- The Bobfather.
- And why did they call you that?

Because I was their leader.

Exactly.

Now, you rally
those troops.

- Shake. All right.
- All right.

Oh, you're a good boy,
Bobby.

God...

- Whoop. Excuse me.
- Hey, Bob.

Shelly?

What are you
doing here, Bob?

Holy shit! What...
Uh, you look...

Like a runway model?

You know...

- Why are you here, Bob?
- Uh...

Uh, could we go talk someplace
a little more private?

Sure. Just let
Bruce finish first.

You hungry, fella?

I know it feels like
he's taking stuff off,

but he's actually putting
things on your head.

- Mmm!
- What, you got cocaine in here?

How the fuck did you get
cocaine in here?

Crushed-up SweeTARTS.

Desperate times,
brother.

So, uh, I don't see you
for years,

and then you just show up
on my doorstep like this.

Uh, you don't see me for y...

We've been trying
to track you down for years.

- What do you want, Bob?
- I want my best friend back.

That's what I want.

I want to know
what the hell happened to you.

And why are you here...
Five years?

Oh, come on, man.

Seriously?

What could be so bad that
you had to go down this road?

I lost my right testicle
that night, Bob.

Oh, I... I didn't...
I didn't...

I didn't know that.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, that night
they did surgery.

I didn't feel anything
for days, man.

I mean, it might have been
the OxyContin talking,

but, whoo, son!

But, uh something
still wasn't right.

What do you mean?

I guess
in all the chaos,

nobody thought to check
on my left nut,

- the only one I had left.
- Oh, no.

It got a little
staph infection,

and they had to
remove that one too.

So you...

Lost both my balls?
Yeah.

Ah, Jesus Christ.
I'm so sorry, man.

I had no idea.
I don't even know what to say.

I'm a fuckin' textbook
alpha male, honest.

I am a wrecking ball.

- I am a killing machine.
- Okay. Okay.

I bring food back to the
village and lay all the women.

You know, life hasn't been all that
good to me either, just so you know.

My company is completely
in the shitter.

I'm practically broke.
I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Goddamn it, man! We were on top
of the world, weren't we?

Look, I know we're not as young
and bulletproof as we used to be,

but we got to where we were because
we were good at what we did.

Who says that got to settle because
life dealt us a couple of shitty hands?

You know what we need?

A gun.

No, we don't... not a...
No, we don't need a gun.

Right. Two guns.
One for each of us. Good catch.

You know
what else we need?

- The Buddy Games.
- You out of your fucking mind?

- No.
- That's the reason I'm in this place,

in this goddamn robe,

snorting crushed-up
candies.

I got tits, for Christ's sake!
Fuck the Buddy Games!

Let's not let one little hiccup
destroy 20 years of greatness.

You are...
the Buddy Games.

You are our champion.
You are our king.

- We need you to save us.
- I'm the king?

- You're the king.
- Who's the king?

- You.
- Mm-mmm.

- Shelly.
- Shelly's the fucking king.

If I'm the king, then I get
to decide who's there.

Okay, sure.

Then Bender can't be there.

Really?

- Come on.
- Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's one of us.

What?
After what he did to me?

Then forget it, man.
Fuck you. Save yourselves.

Okay, okay, you know what? Fine, fine.
He doesn't even have to know.

I'll call everybody else
except for Bender.

Get those fucking games
back on.

- Right on. One more thing.
- What?

Let me tell the guys.

- About what?
- My balls.

What balls?

Too soon, sorry.
Come on.

Just give me a...

Bear. Look at you.

What's the matter
with you?

- Tell me you're in.
- Are you kidding me?

Fuck, yeah!
Yeah, I'm in!

Bitches are going down!

Stay Golden.

- Zanester!
- Bobfather!

"Boobfather."

What's up, man?

- The games are back, baby!
- What?

- And Shelly's in.
- You're kidding me.

- No, I'm not.
- Shelly's...

Yeah, count me in, man.
Count me in. Sounds delish.

- All right, buddy, let's talk soon.
- Okay.

Holy shit.

Whoo!

- Bobby!
- Hey, Durfy, you got a minute to talk?

- Uh...
- Okay, that's a cut on rehearsal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a second.

- I'm just shooting a major motion picture right now.
- Please face camera.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
So what's up, dude?

Buddy Games, they're back.
Are you in?

Um, I feel like that would be a
little weird without Shelly now.

- No, no, he's in.
- Then I'm there.

- I can't wait to see him.
- All right, I'll talk to you soon, buddy.

Thank you, second team.
First team on set.

- Hey, Mr. McDonough.
- Hey, how are you?

Yeah, good.
So your mark is right there.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're gonna be looking...

- Right. Mm, mm, mm...
- ...right over there. Okay.

Don't be too nervous.
You already got the job.

Maybe grab a quick pic,
though, together?

- Then we can tag each other.
- Inappropriate, but, yeah, sure.

- Have you heard of Facebook?
- Yeah, I guess.

- I'm gonna pop it on there.
- That's great.

Hey, here with
my top dog,

- Neil McDonough.
- Is that a video?

- It is a video. Is that okay?
- Yeah, n...

- You'd rather I take a picture?
- Second team, what are you doing?

One second. I'll just do a video.
I'll be really quick.

Hello?

Hey.

- Looks like someone's been busy.
- I have been busy.

What do you think
about taking a vacation?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah? Oh, my gosh, good.

'Cause I went through our calendars,
and there's a couple things we can move,

and we can make it work out.
We can go anywhere.

Do you smell
something burning?

Oh! Damn it.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh!

Are you...

Dang!
I burned it.

Could you...
Could you turn back?

I made three of these.

The other two didn't actually
turn out so well either, but...

oh, well.

Well, you know what? We can always
scrape it off and still eat the inside.

Oh, I was gonna ask you,
what was going on with Mrs. Baldinger?

Oh, uh...
Yeah, no, that's...

Shelly's not doing so hot.
He is on suicide watch.

- What? Poor Sheldon.
- Yeah.

He needs my help, babe.

Yeah, of course.
Whatever he needs.

Mary Ann thinks that I should
get the guys back together

for the Buddy Games.

- And what'd you tell her?
- Well, no.

- Good.
- At first, and then I said yes.

- And then you said yes?
- Of course. You know?

Are you sure you don't want to
think about this for a second?

- I have thought about it.
- You have thought about it?

It's a really good idea.
What better to get him off his feet?

You really think that getting the guys
together for a weekend of teabagging

will stop Sheldon
from killing himself?

Yeah. I do.

Okay, so then, um,
what's next for us?

Um...

- Oh, my God, you don't know.
- I do know.

- You don't know.
- Yeah, I know.

We've grown up,
and it's not gonna be like it was before.

How do you know?
You haven't seen these guys in forever.

Can somebody
open the goddamn door?

Is that Bender?

Oh, sounds like he's grown up.
I'm gonna go.

You know what? That's a good idea.
Let me deal with him,

and I'll meet you
for dinner later.

- No, Bob, I'm leaving.
- What do you mean, you're...

Okay.

You have the Buddy Games,
right?

I'm taking the helicopter.

Dixon fuckin' Bender.

- How are you, man?
- Well, I'd be lying

if I said everything was
rainbows and unicorns.

You're still struggling, huh?

Yeah, I've been
eating shit, actually.

Went through my mom's inheritance,
and, uh, now I'm living in my van.

So, you know, fuck me.

I don't want to talk about it.
Know what I want to talk about?

I want to talk
about Buddy Games.

- Uh, what about Buddy Games?
- I heard through the grapevine

not only are they back on,
but Shelly's back?

Where the fuck has he been,
and why didn't you call me?

- Uh, listen...
- I want to know when and where they are.

I need to sleep
on your couch.

I'll take a bed.
I'll take whatever.

But I need some sleep.

Uh... there's an
entry fee this year.

Okay, yeah. All right.

Like, how much?
Like, ten bucks?

$10,000? Our friends
that I've known...

we've known forever...
they now all of a sudden

have $10,000 in side cash
they can just throw around?

Durfy does?
He still owes me 20 bucks.

- That's what the guys wanted to do. I'm sorry.
- Fine.

We'll play your
high-stakes shit, okay?

But I want to play,
so can you front me the money?

No. Things are, uh,
a little tight

at the moment,
so I can't.

Yeah, I can tell.
You're roughing it.

Just let me play. You can.
You can because you're the Bobfather.

So you created this world.
You make the rules.

So you could go, "Hey,
remember our friend Bender?

Can he come and play?"

I can't.
Just figured it out. Shelly.

Now this makes sense.
Holy shit.

Because five years ago,

I accidentally
cracked his nut.

- I'm really sorry, okay?
- He lost both of his balls.

- He lost both his fucking balls.
- What?

Goddamn you, man!

Both of them?

- I don't want to talk about it. You got to go.
- Bob, I didn't know.

- You got to go.
- All right, all right.

I love you, dude,
but you gotta fucking go.

You're leaving right now?

Where are you going?

Really? Really, Bob?

You can't float me
any cash? Really?

Damn it, man! Come on!

What a dick!

All right,
I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 25 for
the china, 50 for the ring,

- Fifty?
- A hundred for the locket, a hundred for the paintings,

and, uh, $100 for
the rest of this crap.

- 375. We got a deal?
- What? No, we don't have a deal.

$50 for a diamond?
That was my mother's wedding ring.

It's fake, fella.

What?

Fuckin' motherfucker!

She gave him 47 years.

That should be
a Purple Heart!

That would actually
be worth something.

Fine. Okay.

All right, fine.
What about the china?

You can't tell me that's fake.
'Cause that says,

"Made in China."
Okay.

So I will take no less

than a thousand for all this,
and that's final.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 375.

She's still dead.

500. $500.

Okay.

I don't normally
do this...

but I'm gonna
give you 375.

Oh, you're really
having fun, aren't you?

Can I hold the locket
one more time?

Can you give me that,
you surly fuck?

- Can I keep the picture?
- Sure.

That'll be $5.

Hey!

- Asshole!
- Sorry. I'm in training.

We're gonna test your range of
motion, all right?

I want you to hold on
to this ball here,

and you're gonna go
from side to side.

Oh! He steals the ball!

Oh!

Mr. Hornbacher,
I am so sorry.

Yeah, some lemonade, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, what do we have here?

Saddle up,
you old grisly bird.

Yeah.

Yeah, beauty.

Cheers.

You're breaking
the law, mister!

You need a liquor
license to sell vodka.

And you need to recognize
a business opportunity.

So MYOB, little bitches!

- He just said the "B" word!
- Shame on you!

You're both gonna be strippers
when you grow up,

really bad ones
that no one pays to see.

Ew!

I'm texting the police!

Fuck.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Stop!

Hey, come back here!

Get on the pole!

What are you doing?
Stop!

- Give us our money! Come back!
- You're bad kids!

He took our money!
Stop! Hey!

Pig!

Mom!

She didn't tell me.

I thought I had cancer,
damn it. Okay.

I thought I had cancer,
damn it.

You all knew what I was,
and you didn't tell me?

I thought I had cancer,
damn it!

Hmm.

Fuck.

What the fuck.
Was that any good?

- Yeah.
- Hey, little brother.

Little busy today.
What do you need?

I need to borrow
a couple bucks.

Thought you said this
Hollywood thing was working out.

It is. I just
murdered an audition

for a CW pilot
right before I called you.

And I'm in postproduction
on something right now.

What the fuck
is postproduction?

I star in a national commercial
for the Marines.

Well, I'm sure Dad
would have been proud.

He'd have been more proud if you
were an actual fucking Marine.

Jack, you are hurting my
feelings a little bit, but yes.

Jesus Christ. Listen to me.
Do you know how hard it is

trying to keep this
family business profitable

without having to finance
your little pipe dreams?

Dad left this to you,
not me.

How long's it gonna be
before you figure out

that this acting thing
is a fucking waste of time?

You know, sister's out here.
Belly's as big as shit,

but she's sweating her balls
off just like the rest of us.

So why don't you think about
that while you're out there

in La-La Land eating your
goddamn avocado sandwiches?

- You don't know what I...
- I got work to do. Real work.

Look it up. Fuck-head.

Full penetration's
an extra hundred.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Uh-huh!

I'm giving you
the early-bird special.

Shut up and dig! Dig, boy!

How many labias
do you have?

Oh, I just farted!
Just keep going!

Oh, it's bad!

Oh, no!

No!

Looking great, hon.

- Yeah?
- Gorgeous.

Come on, angel.
Time to go.

Hey, honey, it's me,
checking in again.

I just want to make sure
that you're okay out there,

wherever you are.

I just want to know why
you stormed off like that,

why you hate these guys
so much.

Look, we need to talk.

Oh, here we are.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I bet this brings back
some fond memories, huh?

Last time I was here,
I was getting wheeled out on a stretcher.

Well,
not that memory.

- Welcome back, buddy!
- Oh, hey.

- You made it.
- Yeah.

Hey, I got to defend
my title, right?

- I'm gonna take that back.
- Hey! Hey!

Oh, talking smack already.
How much fun is this, huh?

- All right, Mama.
- Okay, I'll let you boys be.

- Come on.
- Hold that for a second.

Just a second. You only hold
it while I get out of the car.

Good luck, sweetie.

- So good to see you.
- Give 'em hell, hon.

- Bye, Mom. Thanks.
- Bye, Mary Ann.

- Thanks.
- Bye, Mama. Thank you.

- Welcome back, man.
- The place hasn't changed much.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, there's, uh...

There's something that I wasn't
entirely honest with you about.

- My company did well.
- How well?

Well, I sold it for...
approximately 387 million.

Wow! That's...

- I'm... Holy...
- Yeah, it's been a...

- Congratulations, brother.
- ...a pretty good couple of years, thanks.

Life just hasn't been
the same without you.

That part was true.

You didn't tell
the guys about my...

Your balls? No. No.
Definitely not.

I'm not sure I can
believe you now, Bob.

Yeah? Well, believe this.

- You're with friends now.
- Hey, boobs!

- Is that your dad?
- Hey, Mr. Schmidt.

No, no, no.
That's... That's Shelly.

Oh, my God.
What the hell?

Holy shit, Sheldon!

- Fuck you guys.
- Are you kidding me?

He's back!

Get the fuck off of me.

Get off of me.
Get off of me.

Hands off, hands off.

That's right.

Oh, so, um,

I had to say goodbye
to the guys in Bon Jovi

and start the journey
home, man.

I just realized I couldn't
run from it anymore.

That's reality.
That's it.

You still got his
number, Bon Jovi?

Come on, Doc. Some decorum.

Shel, I'm so sorry you had
to go through all that, man.

Thanks.

But tell me about
the chicks from Tibet, man.

'Cause I've heard they're
smoking hot. True or false?

- Nah, I never heard that.
- I never heard that.

You guys haven't heard...

The point is that our king is back.
Look at this.

He sure as hell is.

Let's make a toast.
Oh, wait. Somebody's here.

- Nut check!
- Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Nut tap!
- You're lucky they were low. I didn't really feel much.

You dodged a bullet.
I just felt log.

I'm very happy to see
we're still doing that.

No shit,
because that is...

That's the kind of stuff I
missed, man, all my travels.

It was the camaraderie,
being with you guys, just...

the connection with other
people, you know?

I feel bad I didn't reach
back out to you guys.

'Cause I got all the cards and the notes and
everything. I just had a lot on my mind.

- It just wasn't...
- You kidding? We love you, man.

What...

I know that horn. Yeah.

It's got to be.

Whoo! What?

What? Buddy Games!

Yeah!

- There he is!
- Hey, you guys, Bender's here!

You fucking bastard.

He's not supposed
to be here.

Come on. I'm not gonna
miss the Buddy Games.

That's insane.
What's up, Durf?

Bender!

- Who's that guy?
- Hey, man. How are ya?

Are you lost?

Sheldon.
What's up, bud?

I got nothing to say
to you, buddy.

You got a lot of fucking nerve
showing your face here.

I knew you were gonna say
that, and I'm here for peace.

Okay? Hear me out.

Look, man, the past
is in the past, dude.

There's nothing we can do about it.
What happened, happened.

All I care about
is the future

and our prosperity,

and that's why I'm here.

Sheldon, I give you...

- Cuban cigars.
- No, Doc, but good guess.

This is something
a little bit more special.

What is this?

It's my... my seed.

My... baby sauce.

- What?
- Dick matter.

- Are you... Are you for real?
- Wow, Dixon fucking Bender.

Oh, that's a lot of loads.

Uh, it's nine,
to be exact.

Whoa, there.

- Dude, two days, that took me.
- Ugh.

Bender, you are
a fucking hero, man.

- That's kind of weird, man.
- Was there a memo?

Were we supposed to bring semen?
I didn't bring semen. Durfy?

Bender, that's a very gross present.
Why did you give him that?

It's not gross.
It's not gross, okay?

Our friend, our very good
friend here, Sheldon,

he lost both of his testicles.

Oh...

Is that true, Shelly?

It's true. I, uh...
They're both gone.

I'm... I'm, uh... I'm like
a Ken doll down there now.

Hey, Ken had a good life.

He had a hot blonde,
a Corvette. Right?

Ah, look, I mean,
I can't complain.

- Now I can have kids.
- You can have dozens.

So, that's
my peace offering,

and I just want to know,
are we cool?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Whew!

- Oh, thank God.
- Are you kidding me?

- Come on.
- Love you, brother.

It worked. Thought we
were gonna see some blows.

Thank you very much.
That's really fucking awesome.

I love that. Know what
else I love? Alcohol!

Let's go to the tiki bar.
Come on.

- Tiki bar!
- All right.

Go for it.

- I can't believe that worked...
- Thanks, Bob.

'Cause that's
your fault, right?

- Whoa!
- What the hell?

Dude, what is all this money?
What is that?

Dude,
it was not easy.

I mean, a $10,000
entry fee?

That was not easy
to scrape up,

but I banged and bartered
my way for those Benjamins.

Pretty much sold my soul,
and, uh, don't give a shit.

But at the end of the
day, I'm gonna win that...

♪ $60,000, whores ♪

Entry fee?
What entry fee?

- I'm lost.
- Bender...

I'm sorry, Bender.
There was never an entry fee.

What?

I'm sorry, but I didn't have the heart
to tell you, man, you weren't invited.

We didn't feel comfortable
with you here this year.

You know, you could've told me that.
That would have been a lot easier.

I didn't think you were gonna
come up with ten thou...

I mean, 10,000 bucks?
Really? That's crazy!

- Oh, my God.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

I made up everything about
the fee and the pot. I'm sorry.

You're sorry? I sold
all of my shit! All of it!

I sold all
my mom's stuff.

I gave a bum
a hand job for $30.

- Ooh, expand on that.
- No, I'm not going to. You want to smell my hand?

I don't think so.
No, probably not.

Bob, you fucked me, man!

You promised me 60 grand,
so you better fix this.

I can't get that stuff back.
I can't take that hand job back.

This has always been about pride. You said
it yourself. This is about the brotherhood.

This is not about money
or anything else.

Oh, fuck that!

Yeah, it's not about money,
because you have money.

- All right? Zane.
- Yeah?

Could you use $60,000
for your tanning business?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Durf, what about you, bud?
- Yeah.

- It's a hard yes from you. It should be. Doc?
- Yeah.

Exactly. And Shelly needs new
straitjackets. You see, Bob?

We all fucking need.

But not you, man.
You don't have the need for anything.

Zane, could I spot you
10,000 bucks?

- Just this once.
- What about you, Durfy? Can I spot you?

- What about you? Doc? Shelly?
- Yeah, I won't say no.

50,000 bucks.

- That's great. What about you?
- What about me?

What are you gonna
spot yourself?

Can you believe
this fucking guy?

Well, yeah.

It's so crazy!
I sold all my shit.

I'm gonna match the fucking pot.
How does that sound?

Hundred thousand bucks!

We're gonna play
for 100,000 bucks.

I like it,
I don't love it.

- One-fifty.
- Yes! Done.

- 150,000 bucks!
- 150 grand!

- Oh!
- Looks like we got ourselves a Buddy Game.

Yes!

All right,
boys, here we go!

The Buddy Games
are back, baby!

Kicking off this year's event:
Kong's Crucible.

It's a giant
obstacle course,

complete with corn dogs,
bubble balls,

watermelons,
electric eels.

- What's that?
- Don't ask.

Once you get through there,
it's mud pits,

motorcycles, beer bongs,

and one
big-ass waterslide.

You're gonna catch a lot of air,
I'm gonna warn you right now,

but, very important
to note,

the only way you win
is if you capture the flag.

Whoever captures the flag
wins the event.

Top three finalists
at the end of today's events

competes in tomorrow's
final event, the endgame.

Oh, by the way, Shelly,
we got near beer for you.

- Copy.
- Wait, what?

- He's in the program, Bender.
- I can't mix my meds with alcohol.

He can't drink alcohol period.

That seems like
an unfair advantage.

- It's still beer, dick face!
- Why don't you just get him a Fresca.

Are you trying to mind-fuck me, mijo?
'Cause I invented mind-fucking.

- I'll come all over your mind.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Insane Clown Pussy.

Are you ready for this?

- Boom!
- Eat!

Goddamn, dude!

What the fuck?

High voltage? What...

- Oh! Oh, God!
- Get over here!

Go, go, go, go!

Fuck you!
Eat it! Eat it!

Coming for you!

Come on!

I can suck way harder
than you, Bender!

Let's get it!

Fuck it.

Ah, good!

Cheaters!

Not today!

Don't touch me, Bender! Aaah!

I am Kong King!

Stop Shelly!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no!

Son of a bitch!

You finished?

Bob put zero effort
into this event.

This is
fucking dumb.

Oh, come on.
I lost my whole lure.

Is there money in there?

- Open it.
- Be careful, Doc.

Yeah!

Oh, no!

- Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
- Oh, God!

Yeah, baby.

Okay.
Remember them well.

All right, here we are, boys...
the old watering hole.

The old Spread Eagle
Bar and Grill.

It's also the home
of our next challenge.

So full
of curveballs.

Who here thinks
they got what it takes

when it comes to
charming the ladies?

Well, that's part of it.

You think you can get
a girl to buy you a drink?

Okay, easy enough.

Take them on the dance floor and
maybe get a kiss on the lips?

- Oh, please.
- Bob, come on.

Okay, well,
who can do that

without shitting
your pants first?

Yeah, you all got real serious
now, didn't you?

- Bob, that's perverse.
- Nope, that's the next challenge.

I like to call it
"intestinal fortitude."

Man, this is the dumbest shit ever.
Are you fucking kidding me?

- No.
- Corn dogs and laxatives?

You are the ones that wanted
to play for 150,000 bucks.

I'm just trying to
make you earn it.

Sounds like somebody
doesn't want to compete.

- And if you don't compete...
- You must concede.

I'm not conceding! I'm a fucking
cock rooster. Gonna get me a chicken.

- Here we go.
- Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

- Your bag is everything.
- Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry. May I?
- Absolutely.

- Look at that.
- It's watermelon.

I think I might be the last
piece to this puzzle.

Oh!

My mouth is very dry.

- Can I get you a drink?
- You are so very sweet.

- Absolutely.
- I... Just this once.

- Okay. What do you like?
- Oh, anything that's wet.

Oh...
Oh!

Hey, can you buy me a drink?

I live in my van.

What? No.

I'll chow your box
for a week.

You like vodka?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Two wet ones.

Yeah, hi.
This is Dr. Kelly.

You look like
you need a blow job.

- Shot, silly.
- Oh.

What did you think
I meant?

Uh, you know, oral...

Can you please just call me back?
I miss you.

All right, bye.

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

I would buy you a drink...

but my friends and I are playing
this ridiculous game

where we're trying to get
women to buy us drinks.

That's refreshingly
honest.

- It's ridiculous.
- I feel like buying you a drink.

- Okay.
- What'll it be?

Uh-oh. You look lonely.

The cure for that is,
you buy me a drink,

and I'll sit...

I'll save
this seat for you.

You know what drinking
makes me want to do?

- What's that?
- It makes me want to feel, and it makes me want to move.

- You want to move with me?
- Ooh, absolutely!

Oh, I know you.
Hi, Durf.

Here we go. Here it is.

There's a kink there
that's very sensitive

- on the right side, yeah.
- Oh, I can feel that.

Why don't you order us
a couple drinks,

and I'll get you
all fixed up?

Um, sure.

Eddie,
two vodka cranberry.

Careful.
I'm very sensitive.

Nice and loosey-goosey.
Nice and loosey-goosey.

Aaah!

- Oh, yeah, there you go.
- Oh, God!

- How's that? Nice?
- I think you just made it worse.

- Stand up. Let's check that weight distribution.
- Okay, hang on.

- I love your hair. Do you sleep in the woods?
- Sometimes.

I got a half a bottle
of Fireball parked outside

in my Kia Sorento,
if you're interested in coming out back.

Yes. Yes, I am.

- Yes, I am.
- Good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Save it, kitty. Save it.

Let's hit the dance floor,
and you can ride me like a fucking animal.

- I will. I will.
- Okay, let's go.

If you let
your hips go,

your neck will follow.

Wait a minute.
Are you trying to dance with me?

Yeah. No, I'm...

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Where's the bathroom?

That's it for Doc.

- I don't want to buy you a drink.
- What's the big deal?

- Fuck off, please.
- What did you say to me?

- I said, "Walk off."
- Hey! The lady said no, asshole.

- Fuck off, shrimp dick. Come on. Please.
- No!

Hey, bud,
how's it going?

How does it look
like it's going, bitch?

Okay.

Zane, I forgot what a good
dancer you are, man.

- Yeah?
- What was that move you used to do back in the day?

It was sick.
You used to kill it.

It's not a move, Bender.
It's called art.

- Hey, dude, break it out, man.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

- Here at the Spread Eagle?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, Bender,
you made me...

- Oh!
- What happened?

I'm having a hard time
understanding what's she's doing.

- Why would she do that?
- She just left.

She just left,
and... and I'm...

I'm a little busted up about it.

I mean, she's...
I love her.

She is beautiful.
Tiff...

You like that, huh?

Who's the shrimp dick now, motherfucker?
Who's the shrimp dick now?

Let me go,
shrimp dick!

What's up, Durf?

Having some troubles?
Struggling a little bit?

I'm good.

You don't look good.

Oh, fuck!

Let it out!

I'm gonna crush you,
you little Oompa Loompa motherfucker!

Shh, shh. Go to sleep.
Shh, just let it happen.

Shh.

Shh.

Yes! Yeah!

Congratulations, Bender.

Hey, Shelly.

You looked pretty good
until the fight started.

I don't want
to talk about it.

- That guy was really small.
- Bender...

I know they like to be called little
people, but I'd classify that guy...

- Shut your cock pocket.
- What the fuck are we doing here?

- Seriously, Bob. I have meat strapped to my face.
- Hold your horses, boys.

It'll be here momentarily.
But first,

I decided to throw a little
curveball into this one.

- Oh!
- We're gonna hit this.

- Oh, man.
- Oh, fuck, yes. Let's get weird.

- Please!
- What does that mean?

You're saying
you've never smoked pot?

You don't fucking know
what I do

when I go
to the clubs, man.

I get super paranoid
when I smoke grass.

Come on. You know the rules.
Buddy Games, baby.

- If you can't compete, you must concede.
- It's medicinal.

Bet I'm the only
one that's smoked hash.

Guys, they test
sometimes on movie sets.

I don't know if I can
have this in my system.

That's the shit
that killed Hendrix.

Yeah, boy!
Bye, bye, brain.

Take it.

- Got it?
- Got it.

Don't bogart that shit.

Fuck you.

Holy shit.

You're blowing it out and
sucking it in at the same time?

- This is a bad idea.
- All right, boys.

The final event
of the day.

This is not a game
of strength

or endurance,
but rather a test of courage,

and it will determine tomorrow's
three finalists in the endgame.

So ask yourselves, how bad
do you want that money, boys?

- Bad. Real bad.
- Real bad.

The game is simple.

The last one to keep
his head above board wins.

Enter the dragon!

What?

- Bob, what the fuck is that thing?
- What the fuck is that?

- What the fuck is that, man.
- It's a dinosaur.

Hey, Bob. Bob left.

Bob, what
a fucking coward.

Yeah. Look at Shelly
and his juicy, fat head.

Eat off the rest
of his hair.

Doc!

- Oh, my God!
- Doc!

- Tell me you're okay!
- That was intense.

Doc, talk to me!
Doc, just talk!

He senses fear!

Doc was weak,
like you, Zane.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not afraid.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

No. No.

Ugh! I'm sorry, Mom!

That's it, motherfucker.
That's it, motherfucker.

Huh?

Shelly, get out of there.
You win, man.

- What are you doing?
- You want a piece of me, huh?

You stupid fucking pea-brained
lizard, you think I'm scared of you?

Shelly, man, you already won.
Get out of there!

Where is it?
Where is it? Come on!

Oh, my God!

Hey.

You all right?

Uh-huh. Good times, man.

You're sort of gazing
right into that fire.

I'm just a little
worried about you.

Hey, look, I know you're
pissed at me right now...

Why would I be pissed at you?
'Cause you lied to me about everything?

I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I am. But I did it for...

Don't apologize.
You literally saved my life.

- Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean...
- No.

This little reunion could just
as easily have been my funeral,

but now I got a reason
to live again, man.

And that? I owe that all
to you, little buddy.

Can I get you anything?
Another near beer?

Nah, I'm good.

- Okay.
- You know what, though? I'm gonna get you something.

- Okay.
- Show you how I feel about everything.

- Ooh!
- Oh, yeah.

- How many cards you want, Doc?
- Hey, fellas.

Look, I'm a little
embarrassed

by my behavior earlier...
I got a little crazy there.

It's just been a long day of
excruciating pain and humiliation.

I feel bad about
the way I behaved.

I feel better now because being
with you guys means the world to me.

As a token of my appreciation,
I made you guys these frosty pina coladas.

One for everybody.
Get in there!

- Can you get me one?
- Guys...

Thanks, man.
Look how frothy these are.

- Shelly did a fun thing. Look, Bob.
- Thank you, bro. Wow.

Mmm. It's different,
but it's good.

Creamy, ooh.
I like it.

My mom always said, "If the drinks are
free, drink till you can't walk or see."

Shelly, are you good?
I thought you were on the wagon.

Never been better, buddy.
Never been better.

This is exactly
what I needed.

All right. Don't get too drunk
and then whip your pants down

- and start playing with your empty bean bag chair.
- All right.

- Hey, to Shelly.
- To Shelly Belly. Love you, Shel.

Glad to
have you back, brother.

Cheers, cheers.

Yo, Doc,
I think you need to have

a doctor look at that thing.
It's starting to drip.

I am a doctor, Durf.

So good, man!

I didn't mean it
like that.

So how's La La Land
treating you, bro?

Yeah, Hollywood man.

Pretty darn good.
I'm feeling blessed.

- I got a lot of things coming down the pipeline.
- That's great, man.

- Couple things in postproduction.
- What's postproduction?

That's a good question.
Editing,

color timing, scoring...

Scoring, verb...

What Zane does every night
with the ladies.

You know what you should do?

Seriously.
Work with Mark Wahlberg.

Guy is money.

He kicks all kinds of ass.

He's got that itty-bitty waist,
but he seems like an accessible guy.

Like, the kind of guy
you can talk to.

That's a really helpful tip.
Thank you.

Yeah, for sure.

But seriously, like,
what do you got, Durfy?

Uh, I was told not to
let anybody watch this,

but I did get an early cut
of something

that I have on my phone if you
guys want to take a little look.

All right.

You can't tell anyone
you saw this, though, okay?

This is what we call
an industrial in the biz.

Oh, she's pregnant.

Who's that handsome guy?

- Black-and-white. Nice touch.
- Artsy.

She's cute.

It's likeRaging Bull.

It's got a great twist,
too, you guys.

Oh, God, she's so good.

I really liked
working with her.

Um...

- Oh, man.
- Wow.

Man, she gets me
when she gives that look.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, it's...

Let me get
this straight.

You stay at home,
and your wife goes to war?

Yeah, well, um, you know,
somebody has to watch the baby.

I didn't write it.
I just act in it, so...

No, totally. America thanks
you for your service, man.

- How do you make yourself cry?
- On the day, I wasn't able to,

so they just put
a drop in your eye.

- You didn't cry?
- Well, not on that day.

- Wow!
- I always though you actually cried.

- I think it looks real.
- Come on. This...

We're his best friends.
We owe him honesty here.

Durf, I love you.
That's a terrible commercial.

That's 100%
Rotten Tomatoes, man.

Yeah, I have other things
maybe you'll dig.

Of course you will,
and they'll be awesome.

No, we're all pro-troops,
but that was anti-acting.

That's good, though, dude.
Next time, Durf.

I'm kidding, Dude.

I'll get an eyedropper, dude.
Don't well up.

I loved it. Hey, it's time
to announce the finalists.

- Come on. Let's go.
- This is go time.

- Come on, baby.
- Come on. Let's go.

I liked your movie, Durf.

Thanks, man.

All right, boys, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

As you can see, I stand
among these tiki torches.

These three tiki torches
represent the three guys

who will be competing
in tomorrow's final event.

If I call your name,
you're in. Ready?

And remember,
we're playing for this.

- Yeah.
- Hell, yeah.

- Say my name.
- The first finalist in this year's Buddy Games is...

Bob Schmidt.

Is there a Bob Schm...
Oh, that's me.

That's me.

All right,
game one, game one.

Hey, check it.
The score's right here.

And the next finalist is...

Dixon Bender.

- Yes!
- What?

- I did better than Bender did.
- I did not see that coming.

- Yep, I saw it coming.
- I want a recount.

You'd be up here if you held
your shit the longest.

That's right.
And the third finalist

may not be the most
athletic guy here.

- In fact, he's probably the least athletic guy here.
- Doc.

- Oh, no. That's not good for me.
- He demonstrated nerves of steel

in the face of dragons.
It's Shelly Baldinger!

- Yeah!
- You got to be kidding me!

- What? Are you joking?
- Yep.

That's bullshit.

Don't look so down, Durf.

Maybe there's a tampon
commercial in your future.

Yeah. Anything with
a vagina, you know?

Or a fake baby.
You fuckers.

I don't know how I'm not a finalist.

- I want a recount.
- Hey, who wants a pina colada?

- I want a pina colada!
- Who wants a pina colada?

When I say "pina,"
you say "colada"!

- Pina! Pina!
- Colada! Colada!

Hey.

Hey. Shelly.

Shelly.

Guys. Guys, come here.
Shelly's out cold here.

Oh, you know what that means.
Balls and gravy!

No, no, no, no. I'm serious.
I can't tell if he's breathing.

- What? He's just passed out.
- All right, get out of my way.

Let me handle this.
Let me handle this.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- This is bad, guys.
- Give it to us straight, Doc.

It's an impingement
between C3 and C4.

Are you kidding me?
Is he breathing?

Yes, he's breathing.
He's fine.

He's just
a big, ugly baby.

He's fine.
He's sleeping.

Where's... Where's Durfy?

- I don't know.
- That's odd.

- Durfy!
- Durf!

- Durfy! Durfy!
- Durf! Durf!

This is bullshit.

I'm gonna pack my bags
and get out of here.

What the hell is that?

What the fuck?

- He's not out there.
- His car's still here.

- He's not in his room.
- I called him. He didn't answer.

- Where would he be?
- Oh, you guys.

- What?
- The commercial.

His commercial
about lady Marines.

Dude, our own military might
attack us over that commercial.

- We shit all over it.
- We were being honest. It sucked.

- We didn't have to be that honest.
- You know how sensitive he is.

Fuck! He probably
wandered off somewhere.

- We got to go looking for him.
- Somebody's got to watch Shelly.

The doctor should.

I want Bender to stay.

- You hear that?
- What'd you say?

He picked Bender.

- He said "Doctor."
- He said "Bender." I heard him.

- Bender, you stay here. Stay with him.
- Are you kidding me?

Grab the torches, boys.
Let's go find him.

What if he wakes up?
Do I have to talk to him?

Stay back!

Leave me alone!

Oh! Shelter.

Durfy?

- Durf!
- Durf and Turf?

What is that? What is that?

How's it getting
in the door?

What?

Where are you?

You hear that?

Oh, my God.

- That way.
- Let's go get our boy.

We're coming, Durf!

What?

That's weird.

Don't make me do this.

Please!

Okay, I'm going
to let you go.

Stop fighting, okay?

Stay down.

Whore! Okay!

- Die you little...
- That's a tiny thing!

Durfy...
Knock it off, man!

Stop, man, stop!

Did he kill it?

Oh, my God!

You guys, that thing
was trying to kill me.

- Oh, my God.
- That little thing right there?

Yeah, it looks cute,
but it came in that shed

and got my ear
and my face.

- Holy mother of God.
- You look like shit, man.

Is that right?
I look like shit?

My commercial sucks. Do you
want to say anything else?

- I was just busting...
- No, no, I heard you loud and clear.

I heard you loud and clear.
The commercial sucked.

- We were just busting your chops.
- You know what else?

I'm not fucking making it
in Hollywood, okay?

Are you happy?
I don't have an agent.

I self-submit
to extras casting, okay?

I sell tape.

And right before I got here,
I shit the bed

on probably the best opportunity
I'm ever gonna have for a CW pilot.

And it's fucking gone, and that's it, okay?
So I fucking suck!

- You don't suck.
- You feel fucking funny now?

You want to make some
fucking jokes about that?

Durfy, calm down.
You're a little fired up right now.

No, no, no. Don't calm down.
Let him get it out.

What is this, Durf, huh? What is this,
your fucking goodbye speech? Huh?

We throw a little tough love your
way, and you throw in the towel?

You want to be an actor or not?
Start filming this.

You want to fucking be an actor
on a CW pilot, Durfy?

- Use it! Use it!
- Show me! Show me!

You guys, I just got attacked
by a fucking mink.

I'm not auditioning
in the woods, okay?

- I'm not gonna do this!
- Do it right now!

You guys knew what I was the whole
time, and you didn't tell me?

I thought I had cancer,
damn it.

Okay, so I'm a mutant?

So I'm gonna dedicate
the rest of my life...

to putting those
who would do ill to others

straight in the fucking ground.

And I don't care
if I have to die doing it.

John Durfy Jr,
Mutant Institute.

Yeah!

You guys,
that last part was improv.

Yeah, Durfy! Yeah!

That's not even in the script.
It's not even in the script.

Hi, Dixon.

Hey, Shelly.

Have an extra bowl of
Cuckoo Puffs this morning?

When are you gonna learn
to shut the fuck up, Bender?

Why am I here?

That is a really good question.
What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here.
I was very clear about that.

I have every right to be here.
I'm one of your oldest friends,

and I'm here to preserve
the sanctity of our friendship

and to beat your ass
in the Buddy Games.

I'm gonna wipe your ass
out there today.

You're gonna wipe my ass?

Yeah, with your face.

You're gonna wipe my ass
with my face.

Got it, bud.

And I'm sure that Bob
will make that happen.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You don't think this is all rigged for you?

Like you didn't know that?
Look, you made your point. Just let me out.

What the fuck are you doing?

You know what
your problem is, Bender?

You don't know when to shut the fuck up!

No! You crazy fuck!

- No! All right, no!
- Yeah!

I won't say anything else.
I'll stop talking.

Oh, I really want to
believe you when you say

that the sanctity of our lifelong
friendship means something to you,

but...

I don't.

Is that supposed to
scare me?

When's the last time
you've driven a car?

Your mom
dropped you off here.

Don't you talk
about my mama.

Then get your fat ass
out of my mom's van!

You say you're sorry.

Sorry for what?

For ruining my life.

I didn't ruin your life!

You fucking say it!

Fuck you!

No! No!
Wait, wait, wait!

I didn't shoot you!
I didn't shoot you!

I didn't do...

No!

What did you say?

I said you're
a piece of shit!

No, that's not what you said.
You said you didn't do it.

Of course I didn't do it, man.
I'm not an animal.

I wouldn't shoot a man in the
balls, let alone my friend.

I love balls.
I have two of them.

Okay. You didn't do it?
Who did?

Nikki.

Bullshit.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Why don't you teach him
a lesson.

From us. Come on.
It'll be fun.

- Rest it. Let it sit there.
- Right on the nose.

What if I did it
right there?

- Shoot him.
- Ooh.

But I couldn't do it.

So she took the gun from me
and pulled the trigger.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What did you do?

Then why wouldn't
you say something, huh?

Why would you
protect her?

- I was protecting you.
- Protecting me?

- Your marriage.
- If you wanted to protect me, you could've stopped her.

Do you think I knew that she was
gonna shoot you in the scrotum?

All right, I could've taken the gun
away, but I didn't.

Can somebody get me out of
this fucking thing, man?

I got it. I got it.

Do you want to know why I didn't?

Maybe it's because
you were being

- a drunk, obnoxious asshole.
- This fucking guy.

Or maybe I did it because you
put your balls on our foreheads

for years
and just laughed it up.

Or maybe I liked

that you thought it was me
all these years.

Because whether or not
I pulled the trigger,

- you got what you deserved, bud.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

He doesn't mean that. Bender,
you don't mean that. Nobody deserves...

Guys, I got to
come clean. In '95,

when I won the cup,
I was juicing.

I got to get it off my chest. I don't want
you to scratch my name off the cup though.

Nobody's gonna scratch anything
off anything. Shell Bell,

I think it's pretty clear
that Bender feels terribly.

I mean, he gifted you
his own personal spank bank.

That's a gesture.

- Am I right? That was a real gesture.
- Yeah.

- You're right.
- Yeah, which I want back.

You're unfit
to raise my children.

- That's not gonna happen?
- What do you mean?

Can't do it.
I already re-gifted it.

- To who?
- What?

You like those pina coladas?

Mmm. Little bit
of Bender in there?

Oh, no.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

You're joking? That's a joke?

Oh, my...
Oh, my God.

- No.
- I knew I tasted jizz!

Bob, get him back
in the loony bin right now.

Call his mom
and have her pick him up.

- That is grounds for disqualification.
- I'm calling the cops.

What are you going to tell the cops?
"Hey, Officer, I drank my own jizz"?

Hold up. Hold up.

Why are we surprised
by this?

This is the kind of stupid shit that
happens every time we get together.

I mean, I never thought I was
gonna forgive you guys for this.

- I was so pissed at you guys.
- Still a great piece.

You remember that one?
That was you guys.

Sons of bitches!
And this? Fucking...

- Zac Efron.
- That was your idea.

You did that
on your own, bro.

Your choice.

You wanted that.

- You all gave me the...
- No. No.

Look, the point is
that every time we get together,

we do something that
we regret in the moment,

but then we laugh about it
later, right?

That's why we keep coming back.
These are the games we play.

These are the memories that we live for.
And, yeah, we drank a little jizz...

We drank a lot of jizz.

We drank a lot of jizz.

I had a second pina colada.

And Shelly totaled
Bender's van, but you know what?

This too shall pass.
We will live on,

and this brotherhood
will never die.

And I fucking love it!
I love all of it.

And I've missed every one
of you assholes.

And I wouldn't trade this shit
for anything, so...

I suggest that each one of you
look in the mirror

and think about what this
brotherhood means to you.

Especially you, Durfy.

Your ear,
it's, like, hanging...

Is it injured?
'Cause it doesn't feel good.

- You might want peroxide...
- You think that's gonna read on camera?

- Not if the camera's pointed at someone else.
- Thanks for inviting me.

- You're a good person.
- Yeah, yeah, you too.

Thanks for letting me play, and thanks
for the pina coladas and my ear.

It's just
been really great.

All right.

The rest of you
get a little sleep,

because come sundown,
it's game on.

- Not so much you two.
- Nope, we are sleeping in.

Didn't make the cut.

Shelly,
you went too far.

- Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah, Shelly.

Well played.

So here we are, boys.

The endgame.
It's simple.

First one to lay their hands

on that buddy bucket
at the end of this field

wins all the cash.

What's with the suit?

Oh, this old thing?

It's a one-inch-thick
superpolyamide body armor suit.

Why? What the fuck
are we doing now?

Well, this little baby
can absorb a bullet

- from ten feet away.
- What?

All we're gonna be using
are simple bows and arrows.

Give it a try.

- You want me to shoot you with an arrow?
- Yeah.

Okay.

There you go.

I like this already.

Oh, no!

Bob!
What the fuck?

Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

Bob! Oh, my...

Oh! Help!

You should see the looks
on your faces!

- I'm just kidding.
- Oh, my... Dude, what the fuck, man?

That's the game.
That's the game.

You got six arrows right over here.
Use them wisely,

because if you get stuck
with an arrow, you're out.

Ten minutes, shotgun start,
so suit up, boys.

Whoo!

Ow. Bob, you're...

Bob's not well mentally,
I don't...

I don't know
who to root for.

- I hate them all.
- Yeah, it's tough.

- I'm going Bender.
- You're gonna go Bender?

- Bender.
- He lost his mom. He lives in a van.

He's had hemorrhoids
since we were, what, six?

How many fucking six-year-olds do
you know that have hemorrhoids?

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

You know what's
fucking crazy?

Like, seriously?

How slimming
black really is.

One little announcement.

That field is live.
Real arrows will be flying.

So, please, if you could
stay behind these flags

until you can see that
champion bucket is raised.

- Smell weird to you?
- Oh, fuck, man!

Oh, let me get a shot really quick.
You got any schnapps?

Why do you have a nut cup?
Aren't those supposed to protect testicles?

Aren't minivans meant for mothers?
Oh, that's right. You don't have a minivan.

Yeah, thanks. I don't have a mother either.
You're about to lose.

You're about to burp up
your own cum bubbles.

You're gonna
fucking lose, man.

This is your day...

Bye, suckers!

Let's go, babe! Come on.
You got this. Let's go!

Okay, babe, you got this!

Let's go, baby!

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Suck on that,
Richie Rich!

Bob!

Bob! Bob!
No, wait...

Shit just got real.

Okay. Shelly's
sucking wind right now.

He's not gonna be able
to shoot for shit.

It's now or never.

Let's go, Bender.

We already know how
this will end, Bender!

I own you! I always have!

You always said,
"There's next year," Shelly.

Well, guess what?
It is next year!

I guess it boils down to
who's got the bigger balls.

Well, that'd definitely
be you, pal.

No, no, no.
Ladies first.

Aaah! Fuck you!

Ooh, look at that fat back.

Here we go, baby.

- Damn it!
- Crap!

Yeah, let's dance, baby.

It's over. It's over.

Fuck you, Bender.
Fuck you.

Sorry about all that stuff
I said about you earlier, buddy.

No, you're not, Sheldon.

Just end it.

Don't shoot me in the balls either.
That'd be super predictable and lame.

Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.

- You fucking caught that?
- You were gonna shoot me in the face?

Get off me!
Get off me!

You son of a bitch!

Not this year!

No! No!

Never fuck with
a man's minivan.

I got it. I got it.

Yeah!

Yeah!
I fucking did it!

- You okay, buddy?
- No shame. You did good.

- You did really good.
- How many fingers is this?

Just not as good as that
motherfucker right there!

You just kicked him
in the head, Doc!

Bobby, are you okay?

- Oh, my goodness, look at that.
- Bob!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, you came.

- We've got to get you to the hospital.
- No, no, I'm fine.

I really am. I'm fine.
Well, not great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I know what you're gonna say,
that this whole thing was a mistake.

No, I wasn't gonna
say that at all.

Bobby, you needed this.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Now that it's out
of your system,

- we can just go back to our life, you know?
- Yeah.

God, I love you.

- I love you so much.
- I love you too.

I was doing a lot of thinking
on my trip, and, um...

I think it's time, Bob.

Yeah.

- All right, come on. Let's do this.
- I... I can't.

Oh, God, because your...
your hand.

- Let me help you.
- Whoa!

Whoa! Yeah!

It is huge!
How much was it?

I don't know.

I don't know!

Okay, everybody's
watching, Bob.

Look, baby, I know
that you're scared.

That's okay, and I get it,
but you don't need to be.

These last few weeks,
yeah, they have been weird,

but we can just go back
to the way things used to be.

Just you and me...

forever.

- I love you.
- Oh, my God. I love you too.

- I love you so much.
- I love you so much.

I'm not this guy.

I'm not the guy you deserve.

I'm this fucking guy.

What?

My mom wants me to be Bob,
the soon-to-be father, but...

I'm just the Bobfather,
you know?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Look, I know this sounds crazy.

I've never felt more purpose
than I have these last few weeks.

These guys need me,
and I need them,

and this is gonna keep happening
every year for the rest of my life.

And you're just gonna end up
hating them and resenting me.

And who knows? Maybe you'll
end up shooting me in the balls

and taking all my money
like Shel...

- Oh!
- Bobby!

You know, I really
respect your choice...

and your honesty.

I just wish you would've
told me five fucking years ago

that you would've chosen
your friend's balls

and their farts
over me.

- Where's the gravity? I...
- Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay, that's enough.
You got it out of your system.

Farewell, Bobfather.

Now, nobody does that to my buddy Bob.

- Ooh!
- Doc!

You are done, Tiff!

Mama, start the car.
Start the car, Mama!

Later, Tiff.

Well,
things didn't go exactly as planned,

but then again,
the games never do.

Look, you don't stop playing
because you get older,

you get older
when you stop playing.

Now the boys are back,

and somehow everything
seems right again.

In fact, things might even
be a little better.

Shelly may not have
reclaimed his throne,

but he's back.

Exactly where he belongs.

Still the king.

Turns out Durfy may not be
such a shitty actor after all.

He just needed a little nudge.

"You have officially been offered
the role of Frankie in..."

Oh, my God!

Yes!

And then there's Bender.

- Look at him.
- Call Sheldon again.

- That's the face of a champion.
- Calling Sheldon.

Nope.

- Call declined.
- Come on, man!

- Call Sheldon again. Call him again!
- Please watch your tone.

As for Doc, well,

he was finally able to
provide some relief.

It's time I got something
off my chest.

So here goes.

- I'm, uh...
- I know.

- What do you mean, you know?
- I know.

- How long have you known?
- Remember back in '96,

when you bought that Cavalier
King Charles spaniel,

and you named it after Brad Pitt's
character in Legends of the Fall?

- Oh, Tristan.
- Way before that.

All right, one more.

I'm gay!

All right, you're all done.

Oh, that felt amazing!

So if I'm not happy with the
results, I get a full refund, right?

'Cause I burn through
workout equipment

like Gene Simmons does
through pussy.

From Kiss.

I mean, fitness is
my middle name.

And I'm just afraid...
You know, like,

I've broken things before,
'cause I'm so strong, and I'm...

- Shelly, just hear me out.
- What are you doing here, dude?

I'm in trouble,
and it's bad.

- I need a place to hide out.
- No, man!

Oh, my God,
I'm in deep shit, man!

Get the fuck out of my house, dude.
What are you doing here?

- Bender!
- No! No! Aaah!

You're mine, bitch.

You shot my best friend,
you son of a bitch! You're fucking dead!

You hear me?
You're fucking dead!

Yeah, that's right,
you fucking pussy.

"Best friend"?

I'm truly touched
by that, man.

What the...
You're alive?

Ha, ha, ha!
I'm alive!

- It was a joke. I was trying to get you out of the house.
- What?

Yeah, you weren't returning my phone
calls, dude. I just want to talk.

But, he... he shot you.

Yeah, that's my buddy Thurston.
He works for the pawn shop.

I was buying my mom's shit back,
and he got me this movie gun.

- What movie is it from?
- Ride Along 2.

- Yeah, 50 bucks. Fucking bang, bang, dude.
- Hundred bucks.

- You said 50.
- I said a hundred.

Twenty-five a bullet and 50 for the
gun, that's $100.

You're a fucking liar!

- I'm not paying for that.
- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

What the fuck is going on here?

Look, man,

all I cared about

was you and just
making things right again.

You lost your fucking mind, Bender?
Get me out of this goddamn chair.

Dude, with that money,
I could've done anything.

Got an eight-ball
the size of Nebraska,

fucked my way through whatever
rogue country this asshole's from,

but that's not what
was in my heart.

I felt so bad for you and all
the shit you went through,

and I just wanted to
get you back on your feet.

So...

here's my plan.
Wait for it...

Boom!

A scrot-o!

Fuckin' scrotes!

I got balls for you!

Smell it! Smell!

I got you balls.
Fuck you. I got you balls.

Fuckin' Sack Nicholson
over here.

Piercings. One with a tattoo on it.
Look at this guy.

So many fucking balls, dude.

And then lo and behold...

Sheldon, you're back!

Shel Bell!
You look like Elton John.

You're fucking back!
Fuck you!

Look at that shit. Juicy!

Long live the king!

Bob's web of lies

has finally
come home to roost.

What will happen
to poor Bob?

I'm free.
And you're fucked.

It's not gross, all right?
Our buddy just...

It's a very,
very gross present.

- It's not gross.
- Why would you get him that?

It's not gross.

I was just a little
distracted, um,

planning my speech
for the Oscars.

What the fuck is that thing?
Fucking cat?

You need the Heimlich, dude?
You need the Heimlich?

This is some
jackassery, man.

Are you fucking
kidding me?

A baby? A baby here?

- Yeah, just take a look at the tailbone there.
- No tailbone.

- That's where I draw the line.
- Come on.

All right, bend over.

- Sweet swimsuit.
- Thank you.

Can you swim or dive?

Yeah, both.

Well, you can dive
on my dick.

Okay. Okay.

- Two more. Two more.
- Two more. Two more.

Filled with jizz!

Are you just gonna call it?
Okay. Foreground, background...

My dad likes to buy
his pie at the store.

Oh, yeah.
Store pie's better.

Oh, God.

What's the matter
with your woman?

Is she always
like this?

I think she's been
drinking this morning.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Motherfucker!

Fuck!

- I'm so sorry.
- On frame, right?

You became a friar.
That's dope, right? That is so rad.

- Listen to Lance Bass over here.
- Oh, shit!

Oh!

What?

Thanks, Prick Moranis.

Let's play some
Buddy Games!

Let's play some
"Bloody" Games!

No!

Get it.
Get it. Get it.

The, uh,
the parking brake wasn't set,

so it just started
rolling back.

Let's play some Buddy Games!