Buddy Buddy (1981) - full transcript

The investigation into the 50
million dollar land fraud

scandal in Palm Springs
suffered a setback today,

when one of the witnesses,
Leopold Schuster, 59,

was killed in a bomb explosion
outside his home in Banning.

The other two witnesses, Barney Pritzig
and Rudy "Disco" Gambola,

who were granted immunity,

and will testify
for the prosecution,

have now been ordered put under
immediate police protection

by the district attorney.

Here's the weather forecast now
for Southern California.

The predicted high for today
is 74, 68 at the beaches,



88 in the low deserts,
82 in the high deserts,

and smog alerts
have been posted

for San Bernardino, Pomona,
Ontario, San Fernando Valley,

San Gabriel Valley, and...

They're
three for a dollar.

One at a time.

Come on, open up!

Open up in there!

- Yes?
- Barney Pritzig?

Why do you want to know?

I'm Captain Hubris.
the District Attorney sent us.

We're gonna be
your babysitters.

Thank God!

Come in, gentlemen, come in.



Would you believe I was afraid
to bring in the milk and the paper?

Let's see, what
have we got here?

You guys had your breakfast?

Yes, thank you.

You're welcome.

Moffett, you secure
all the doors and windows.

I want this place sealed up
tighter than Fort Knox.

Garcia, check the joint out
from top to bottom.

Look in every closet,
under every bed,

behind every curtain.

Jacoby, you go out
and cover the backyard...

And the garage and the alley.

Tell me,

Mr Pritzig,

this fireplace, is it
a real one...

or just a dummy?

Because we don't want any
Santa Claus dropping in on you.

Did you say something,
Mr. Pritzig?

Mr. Pritzig!

Cyanide.

... only $5.
So come on down.

... number one
going straight to the top...

... my dear brothers
and sisters...

... while funeral services are being held
for the second victim... Barney Pritzig, 71...

the tightest
security precautions

in the history of the state
are being taken

to protect the life
of the last remaining witness,

Rudy "Disco" Gambola,
the man who knows too much.

The reputed mobster
will be brought out of hiding

to testify
before the grand jury

at 2:00 this afternoon

at the county courthouse
in Riverside.

On the stock market today...

- Check my tires please.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Fill 'er up.
- Right.

- Unleaded.
- All right.

- Did you wash your hands?
- Yes.

Just a minute!

I'm sorry.
I was throwing up.

I have a nervous stomach.

They say it's psychosomatic
because of my wife.

We're separated.

Three months
this Thursday.

Bye.

All yours.

~ Cecilia. ~

- Let's go.
- Right.

We're there the
top of the stairs.

- Here you go.
- Check.

Just exactly where are you
hiding this guy Gambola?

When are you bringing him in?

In Vegas, it's 7 to 5
Gambola won't live to testify.

You've already lost
two witnesses.

What makes you think
you won't lose this one?

All right,
shut up for a minute!

I know what you guys think
about cops...

a bunch of dumb,
trigger-happy yo-yos.

You'd just love it if we
blew this one, wouldn't you?

Well, we're not going to.

You stick around because
come 2:00 this afternoon,

Gambola will sing, I guarantee you.

Now, have you got
any other questions?

I'm a busy man.

Yes?

I have a reservation,
name of Trabucco.

Oh, yes, Mr. Trabucco.

You asked for a room
at the front of the hotel,

not too high up?

We have just the thing
for you.

Will you fill this in,
please?

How long
will you be staying with us?

I'll let you know.

361.

I'll take that.

This way.

First time in Riverside?

Salesman.

Last month, we had convention
of computer salesmen here.

The stories I could tell you.

The booze, the broads,
the grass.

They had to smuggle out
three naked hookers...

down the laundry chute.

You want me to shut up, right?

Good morning.
May I help you?

How many would you like?

Lot of excitement
down there today.

The bathroom's in here
and that's the closet in there.

And this is the switch
for the air conditioning.

It's... temporarily out of order.

And if you need
anything at all...

I won't need anything.

...ask for Eddie.

Is everybody
in position up there?

Can you hear me up there?

Operator, how do I get long distance?

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Green?

Oh, Mr. White.

Let me speak to Mr. Brown.

Hello, Mr. Brown?
This is the dentist calling.

Everything is on schedule. I'm
right here in the operating room,

but I've been looking at those X-rays
and I'm afraid we're gonna

have to renegotiate the deal.

I know I gave you an estimate
for those three rotten teeth,

but it's just not realistic.

The first two were
simple extractions.

This one is a root canal job.
I figure it's worth another 10 grand.

Come on, you know I do nice work.

I'd better, because if I don't, you
guys are gonna have my ass, right?

So, what's it gonna be,
do I go ahead

or should I cancel
the 2:00 appointment?

Okay, then we're in business.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

How long will you be with us,
Mr. Clooney?

That depends...

on my wife.
She is staying with a friend.

Actually,
he is no friend of mine.

359.

Enjoy your visit.

I sure hope so.

First time in Riverside?

Yes. Uh, come to think of it, no.

We passed through...
me and my wife...

on our honeymoon
on our way to Palm Springs.

That was 12 years ago.

Here you are.

A nice, quiet room
on the side of the hotel,

away from all the excitement.

Quiet is what I need.

Well, the bathroom's here,
the closet's there,

and forget the air conditioning.
It hasn't worked in years.

My name's Eddie.
If there's anything you need...

I do.

Could you bring up
a bucket of ice, please,

and two glasses?

None of that plastic stuff,
just two, nice...

long stemmed glasses
made out of glass.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Is it all ashes
or is there still a spark?

Is it all ashes
or is there still a spark?

Operator, can I have an
outside line please? Thank you.

Is there still a spark...

Uh... would you
connect me please...

uh... with Mrs. Clooney...
Mrs. Victor Clooney. It's personal.

Uh, Celia?

Hi, Celia, it's me.

Don't hang up!

Uh, no no no. I'm here in Riverside,
at the Ramona Hotel.

Oh, I want to see you.

Well, you may have nothing
to discuss, but I do.

All I want you to do is come up
here for one half an hour...

Now, is that too much to ask?
A lousy half hour?

What do you mean the
doctor wouldn't like?

I'm your husband, for heaven's sakes.
Don't I get any points for that?

What? Are you gonna tell
me I came all the way here

and you won't even...

Is this how we are going to
end 12 years of marriage?

Look. I am not proud.
I'm not vindictive.

I am willing to forgive
and forget.

I tell you, it has been hell
since you left, Cilia.

I've been sleeping on two chairs
in the living room.

I couldn't bear to go
near the bed.

Celia, Celia, is it all ashes,
or is there still a spark, Celia?

Aren't you gonna say
anything, Celia?

What do you mean "No way"?

I tell you, you are talking to a
man who is at the end of his rope.

Celia?

Goodbye, Celia.

Rope.

Rope.

~ Does your mother
know your heart, Cecilia? ~

~ And does she know
that I'm about to steal ya? ~

~ Oh, my. ~

~ When I look in your eyes,
something tells me ~

~ that you and I
should get together. ~

~ How about a little kiss,
Cecilia? ~

~ Just a kiss,
you'll never miss, Cecilia. ~

~ ... why do we two
just keep on wastin' time? ~

~ Oh, Cecilia, ~

~ say that you'll be mine. ~

Sir, it's me... Eddie, the bellhop.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Mister!

Are you all right?!

Where's the cut-off,
goddamn it?!

Hey, what the hell
is goin' on in here?

Tried to hang himself.
The guy checks in,

orders ice and
real champagne glasses,

and you think he's getting ready
for a little daytime action, right?

Wait a minute,
who are you calling?

The desk, to get the police.

Police? What for?
He isn't dead.

An attempted suicide.
You've got to report it.

That's the law.

Forget the cops. They
got better things to do,

especially today.

This is a respectable hotel.

You bet. That's why
you don't want cops

all over the place asking
stupid questions.

Let me take it
up with the manager.

You're not going to take it
up with anybody!

Don't you think
that poor son of a bitch

has enough trouble?
He doesn't need cops.

he needs sympathy,
understanding,

a little human warmth!

Celia...

Here. Get yourself a hair dryer
and keep your mouth shut.

Anything you say.

But you'd better watch him.
He'll try it again.

They all do. I know.

I tried out
for the paramedics.

12 years, and she wouldn't
give me a half an hour...

One lousy half an hour.

Haven't I seen you before?

We met at the gas station.

Oh, yeah! What's this
with you and bathrooms?

Either you're throwing up
or you're trying to kill yourself.

Sorry.

What made you do it?

They caught you with
the hand in the till?

Bookies after you?
Terminal cancer? What?

Terminal love.

Love? You did it for a dame?

Celia's not a dame!
She's my wife!

Actually, she's my second wife.
I left my first wife for Celia.

Gave up everything...

...the three kids, the house,
and the insurance.

I owned
a piece of the rock,

and the two cars,
and the Betamax, and...

Now Celia's left me...

That's tough.

...for some phony doctor...
Dr. Zuckerbrot or...

He runs this fancy clinic.

"INSTITUTE FOR SEXUAL FULLFILMENT."

What the fuck is that?

That's a racket!
That's what that is!

She came up here
to investigate it.

What is she, with the FBI?

No, she's with CBS.
Their research department.

You know "60 minutes"?

They were going to expose
the whole set-up.

Next thing I know,
she's not coming home.

She falls for that quack.

She walks out on me,
walks out on her job.

I get a nervous breakdown
and ulcers.

The whole thing
is in my suicide note.

- Do you want to read it?
- No.

Now, look...

You want to hang yourself,
it's okay with me.

Go out in the country,
find yourself a tree,

but don't make waves
around here.

I'm tryin'
to work next door.

I could drown myself,
but he turned off the water.

Listen, you give me
any more trouble

and I'm gonna strangle you
with my bare hands.

That's another solution.

You makin' it very difficult
for me to like you.

Now what is it?!

- I had an idea.
- As?

- Why don't you call her?
- Call who?

My wife. Tell her
that I tried to kill myself.

- Here's the number.
- I don't even know your wife.

Tell her you're a friend of mine.

I'm nobody's friend.

Tell her that my life
is hangin' by a thread

and that I'm slippin' fast
and then she'll have to come.

Look, I don't seem
to be getting through to you.

I'm a very busy man,

so don't bug me,
don't hassle me.

Get off my back!

- You mean you're not going to call?
- No.

Okay, the deal is off.

What deal?

You don't call her,
I'm gonna do it again.

- Oh, you are?
- And again and again!

I got razor blades,
I got sleeping pills.

- You got a handkerchief?
- A handkerchief?

Well, yeah.

What are you gonna do
with that?

Argh!

What are you
doing to me?! Are you crazy?!

Now, is everything checked out?
Roof tops? Sewers? Air traffic?

Yes, sir.

Let's see...
12:20.

Now here's the game plan.

At 1 o'clock we throw
up the road blocks.

- Right.

They are liable to try some
kind of a stunt, a diversion.

I don't care if a frigging bomb
goes off in the next block,

nobody leaves his post.
Do you understand?

Roger.

Bird watcher 1 to
bird watcher 2.

- How's the canary?
- Doing just fine.

Keep him on eyes. We'll
pick him up at 1:45 sharp.

Over and out.

The maid!

I come to mop up.

Madre de Dios!

You know, I don't have
to do this for a living.

My husband and I, we have
a catering business.

We do parties,
Mexican dinners,

guacamole, quesadillas, chile...

frijoles, tortillas, tamales,
burritos, enchiladas.

All that for $7 a head.

My mother-in-law, she cooks.
My husband and I do the serving.

Our son Philippe...
he parks the cars.

And we have two
cousins and an uncle,

they're the Mariachi Band.

~ Cucurucucu Paloma... ~

So, if you ever plan
to have a party,

we're in the Yellow Pages
under "Tijuana gourmet."

You think you can remember that
or shall I write it down?

Thank you.

Wait! Come back!
Come back!

Have a nice day.

Son of a bitch!

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-ahh!

Hey! Where are you?

What the hell do you think you're
doing? Are you crazy or something?

Not at all. I know
exactly what I'm doing.

Come on back. I promise
not to tie you up again.

I know why you did that
because you're a good person.

You didn't want me to
hurt myself. Right?

Come on back!

Hey!

Jesus Christ. All those cops
down there. They'll see you.

Oh, good. I want 'em to see me.

- Listen you lunatic...
- I am gonna stay up here

until they bring my wife.

And if they don't, I jump.

Just come in here for a minute.
Let's talk it over.

I don't want to talk to you.
I want to talk to my wife.

All right, all right, I'll call.
I'll fix it up. Okay?

But first come in here.

First you fix it up,
then I'll come in.

What's the goddamn number?

It's on the folder
in my room. Okay?

Hey, lieutenant.

- There's a guy up there on the ledge.
- Where?

Third floor, don't you see him?
Last window on the right.

- We better check it out.
- No, you don't.

This may be a diversion.
You know what Hubris said...

nobody leaves his post.

Outside line.

Hey, psst, what's her name?

Celia. Celia Clooney.

Dr. Zuckerbrot's clinic.
Ecstasy is our business.

What kind of shit is that?

Listen, let me talk
to Mrs. Clooney, fast.

Mrs. Clooney?
She's in ultrasound stimulation.

She can't be disturbed.

It's an emergency,
for Christ's sake!

A matter of life and death!
So don't jerk me around!

You're a very vulgar man.

I'll let you talk
to Dr. Zuckerbrot himself.

101,

105,

Zuckerbrot here.

Repeat that, please.

What?

You are speaking too fast.

Okay, doc,
I'll slow it down.

There's a guy here
name of Clooney,

standing on the ledge
of the Ramona Hotel.

He's threatening to jump
unless he can see his wife.

I do not know the gentleman.

What did you say his name was?
Mr. Clooney?

Yeah, like in Mrs. Clooney.

You know,
the dame you've been balling.

That is neither
here nor there,

but I will
under no circumstances

permit his wife to see him.

This is emotional blackmail.

And I will absolutely
not allow her to submit to it.

So my advice
to Mr. Clooney is... jump.

Wait a minute, doc.

Hey, doc!

How are we doin'?

Hello, Mrs. Clooney.

Did the doctor
explain the situation?

Yes, I'm afraid he means it.

You will? Thank you.
I knew you would.

You sure sound
like one terrific lady.

Well?

It's all set.
She'll see ya.

Oh, Celia? She will?
Swear?

Who would lie
about a thing like that?

Come on in.

When is she gonna come?
I better get some fresh ice.

Don't bother. She wants you
to come to see her.

Oh.

It's better than nothing.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

So take it easy,
relax. I'll drive ya.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- You'll need some moral support.

I don't want to keep you
from your business.

That's all right. I think
I just have time to make it,

but we better step on it.

Let me change my shirt.
Be back in a minute.

~ Cecilia. Da da-dee da-da da daa. ~

That's right, no water.

~ Cecilia... ~

How are you comin'?

Almost ready.

~ Cecilia... ~

Oh, I'll bring these
flowers along.

Can't hurt.

You know, it is a lucky thing
I wound up next door to you.

You know what they say...
the kindness of strangers...

Let's get a move on, huh?

I promise you, after this,

I'll never make
any more trouble for you.

That's for sure.

What's with all these policemen?
What are they doin'?

Blowing the taxpayers' money

just to protect
some goddamn stool pigeon.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been seeing that
in the news.

Yeah,
once we get out of town,

it's about 7 miles
on the road to Elsinore.

Can I ask you a question,
Mister, uh...

I don't even know your name.

Trabucco.

Oh, Trabucco.

What kind of name is that?

My mother was Turkish,
my father was Brazilian.

I was born in Detroit.

Is that a fact?

Close enough.

You ever been married,
Mr. Trabucco?

Once, but I got rid of her.
Now I just lease.

Oh.

Why did you get rid of her?

Because
she was a pain in the ass,

always getting on my nerves,
interfering with my work.

Yeah, I know. People like...
What line of work are you in?

Pest control.

Oh, like ants
and cockroaches and termites?

Something like that.

I spray them. I poison them.
I shoot them.

You shoot termites?

Coyotes.
I shoot coyotes...

and skunks and rats.

I guess...
somebody has to do these things.

Are you from L.A.?

Not necessarily.

Oh. I am.

I'm in television... CBS.

That's where I met Celia.

How about that?

I started out
in the legal department.

I'm in Standards and Practices,
what you'd call censorship.

I have to read every script
and see every foot of film.

You'd be surprised at what
some of these so-called creators

try to sneak past you...
all the sex and violence.

There's a lot of that
going around.

But not through
the Iron Duke.

You know, just last week,
we had three new shows come in.

Every one of them
had a girl in a wet T-shirt.

So?

Well, I'm not against
a little cleavage

if it's done in good taste,

but nipples
are a definite no-no.

Everybody's got 'em.

Not in prime time.

We had a sitcom
on Christmas Eve.

Do you know what
one of the characters was named?

Señor Cajones.

What's wrong with that?

Cajones is Spanish for testicles.

No shit?

You sure we're goin'
in the right direction?

Trust me.

Sunnyvale?

Nothing but a lot of
rocks and sage brush.

It's a short cut.
We're almost there.

We are? Uh.

Oh, getting
that nauseous feeling again.

Don't worry. You'll
handle it okay.

You know the truth is I've never
been that very good with women.

I guess I just don't have
the killer instinct.

What are we stopping here for?

This looks like a
good spot for it.

For what?

Don't you think you'd better
up chuck before you see her?

You're right. I gotta
be at my best.

Over there. Over there
behind the rock.

Always thinking of me.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Do you suppose there's a law
against puking on private property?

Hey, there!

Is this your car?

What about it?

We got a very
pregnant woman in there.

And that heap ain't gonna
make it to the maternity ward.

She needs a lift.
Okay?

No, it's not okay, cause
I got a very sick man here myself.

- Right?
- No, not any more.

I'm feeling much better now.

Come on. Let's move it before
this lady pops.

You heard him. She's gonna pop.

Damn busybodies. Why aren't
they out trying to catch crooks.

Is it safe to leave my car here?

Who's gonna steal it?

I think you better
back her in.

There's a clinic
just down this road.

They'll have nurses and stuff.

I don't care what you say, I think
that people are basically decent.

Now take you for instance...

First, you save my life,
and now you're helping

to bring a new life
into the world.

You really ought
to name the kid after him.

Unless it's a girl,
of course.

But a lot of girls
have boys' names these days.

I know one called Bruce.

Is this your first one?

Yeah.

Hold tight, Jenny.
Everything's gonna be cool.

Did you... did you get
the hash out of the trunk?

Shh.

Hush little baby,
don't say a word.

Papa's gonna buy you,
a mockingbird.

Sing. Ah, sing.

First babies are
very unpredictable, you know.

I mean you always read
about them being born in taxis.

planes and buses, escalators.

I wouldn't be surprised if she
had it right here in the car.

Shut up!

Oh oh oh! This is it!
Dr. Zuckerbrot's.

Just dumb luck.

Wait a... wait a s... will you
wait a second, officer?

You've got to understand something.
This is a sex clinic.

We don't deal with the
finished product here.

I don't give a shit.
Get her out of my car.

Hey, man, that was beautiful. And I
want... you know, like, uh, thank you.

- Okay?
- Glad to do it anytime, aren't we?

And if that looking
glass gets broke,

papa's gonna buy
you a billy goat.

What a mess.

Uh... Look, I know that
you're in a hurry...

but you wouldn't possibly consider
coming in with me, would you?

Just for a minute?

And, uh, you speak to her
first. Sort of break the ice.

No.

You're right.
You're absolutely right.

I've got to learn to
stand on my own two feet.

It's always been
my problem.

That's...

no spine. No...

cojones.

She said she
thinks she's in love.

She really said that?

- Hmm.
- That's an improvement.

Well, I think
she's starting to open up...

Yes?

I'm here
to see Mrs. Clooney.

- And you are?
- Victor... Clooney.

Are you a relative?

Am I? About the closest relative
that you can have.

I'm her... I'm her hus...
Where is she?!

Uh, not so loud, please.

She's in the library,
but you're going to have to get

written permission
from Dr. Zuckerbrot.

Well, damn it! Did he get
written permission from me...

before he started...

fooling around with her mind?
- Look, fill this out in duplicate

and come back after lunch.

- I'm not having lunch.
- Well, I am.

It's a boy!

Hey! Wow! Man!
I'm a father!

Congratulations, kid.

Listen to him!
"B" flat!

That's real heavy.

Uh, here... Have a joint.

Thanks.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, Elvis Junior.

...which brings us
to today's subject...

premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation

means always having to say
you are sorry.

There are
many schools of thought

on how to pace yourself
and maintain self-control.

Some advocate keeping a bucket
of ice water beside the bed

and dipping your toes into it
at the critical moment.

Others recommend

that you concentrate
on something prosaic.

Try to think of the names
of the Seven Dwarves

in "Snow White."

Try to remember
your Social Security number...

Excuse me, could you tell me
where the library is?

Sorry, not now.
My fiancée has a slow leak.

Celia?

Celia.

- Hi.
- Victor.

What are you doing here?

You said
you wanted to see me.

I said?

He said that you said it.

Who's he?

Come on. Pack your things.
We're going to go home.

You've had your fun.

Fun? You think
I'm doing this for fun?

This has been the most meaningful
experience of my life.

Looking at dirty pictures?

Is that what you think it is?
This is basic scientific research.

Come off it, will you?
First you were into ferns,

and then it was whales.

Are you aware, for instance,
that a woman has 89

different erogenous zones
in her body?

Oh, 89!

Who says so?!
That pygmy doctor of yours?!

To me, he's a giant.

He's a giant!
He's a giant phony!

Quiet!

I am afraid you have been
totally brainwashed.

Not totally.

I've only reached
the fourth plateau.

The fourth what?

Dr. Zuckerbrot's
theory of sexual awareness.

A few lucky ones make it all
the way up to the ninth plateau.

What's happening up there?

The ultimate orgasm.

Oh, I knew it. I knew that
was coming! The "o" word!

That's when the earth moves
and the sky bursts open

and the white-hot flames
consume you...

That's enough. I don't
want to hear it any more!

I don't want
to hear any more, either!

I'm trying to write a paper on the
pros and cons of circumcision.

The pros and cons of...

You ought to be locked up...
all of ya!

You're nothing
but a bunch of damned perverts!

Please!

Sexual deviants!
Animals!

People are studying here.

Studying?! They're nothing
but a pack of wild dogs in heat!

That's all you are!

Frontal nudity. Consenting adults.
Premature ejaculation!

Up yours, buster!

Excuse him, he's going through
a stress situation.

Ah.

Tums. Where are my tums?

What have you been eating?

It's not what I'm eating,
it's what's eating me!

Victor, you must really learn
to deal with your hostility.

It's poisoning your system
and corroding your mind.

You're not living, Victor.

You're just using up time,
using up space, using up air.

What plateau are they on?

Wake up, Victor. You can't just
bleep out what's happening today.

You've got to go
with the flow!

What happened
to your wedding ring?

I had it melted down
and made into a charm for Hugo.

Hugo?

Dr. Zuckerbrot.

He wears it
on a chain around his neck.

This son of a bitch is wearing
my wedding ring around his neck?!

I have no more use for it.

You might as well know, Victor,
I'm filing for divorce.

Divorce?

Celia,
what happened to us?

Where
has all the magic gone?

We've been together
for 12 years.

That long?

Well, maybe they weren't
12 great years,

but we had a few good weeks
here and there.

Let's the two of us go back to
the hotel, huh? It's all set up.

I got a bucket of ice water
and I'll set it next to the bed.

What kind of a crazy idea is that?

Well it's not my crazy idea.

It's your crazy doctor's
crazy idea!

How shall we handle this...
your lawyer or mine?

No.

No? What do you mean 'no'?

There will be no lawyers
and no divorce.

You're gonna give me
a hard time?

There will be no divorce because
a widow doesn't need a divorce.

Victor,
stop making empty threats.

Empty threats?

Read that after I've gone.

Don't bother with flowers.
You can use these.

They couldn't save her.
She's gone.

I know how you feel.

Here are the headlines
at 1 o'clock.

As the hour approaches
for Rudy "Disco" Gambola

to testify
before the Grand Jury,

the police exercising every
possible precaution

have thrown up road blocks

around the entire civic center.

Motorists are advised to
use alternate routes.

Come on.

All right. All right.
Keep it moving. Come on.

Come on lady.
Keep it moving.

This is police harassment.
That's what it is.

Look, I'm a citizen.
I'm a taxpayer.

I've got a driver's licence.
I can go anywhere I want!

Where do you want to go, lady?

J.C. Penney.
I've got this girdle.

It's too tight.

- I'm going to exchange it.
- Did you ever think of going on a diet?

A diet?
What kind of diet?

The 14-day diet
at the county jail.

Now, move your car.

All right.
All right, officer. Okay.

Good afternoon, father.

And a good
afternoon to you, officer.

What, uh, seems to be
the trouble?

Just a routine check.

May I ask where you're
going, father?

Oh, it is a very sad mission
I'm on. Very sad.

I'm off to administering last rites
to one of me parishioners.

Poor soul, barely 40 years old.

Ah, well that's the breaks.
The lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

For His is the power
and the glory.

Ain't that the truth.

Pass him through.

Bless you my son.

What is it, Celia?
What can be so important?

I saw him.

He's going to do it!

Who is going to do what?

Victor, he's going to kill himself.

That's his problem.

It's our problem too.
Look at this.

He blames you
for the whole thing.

A warped mind.
Nobody will take this seriously.

You don't know those guys
from "60 minutes." They get hold

of something like this and
Mike Wallace will crucify you.

Who pays attention
to that foolishness?

Only 50 million people! Look what
they did to the Shah and Dr. Kissinger!

Kissinger? I don't even think
he is a real doctor.

Hugo,
I'm thinking about us.

We can't let
anything like this happen,

now that we've reached
the fourth plateau.

Please, schatzi,
before it's too late.

All right. You get the car.
I get my bag.

~ Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay... ~

Muchas gracias.

Room 359... would you
prepare my bill, please?

You're checking out?

You could say that.

Lighter fluid.

- Butane or regular?
- Regular.

- What size?
- The largest.

How many of those
have you got?

Hmm, about a dozen.

I'll take them all.

You are a heavy smoker,
aren't you?

Oh, shit.

Are you okay?

Fine. Care for a little
warm champagne?

How did it go
with your wife?

- It's all settled.
- Good for you.

She never wants
to see me again.

She. Women.

Go figure them.

I once knew a guy, he
had two heart attacks.

So they put in one of them
gadgets, uh, pacemaker.

So his wife divorced him,
because she said

it was interfering
with the TV reception.

Are you leaving?

Yeah. I didn't want
this to go to waste.

Are you sure you won't join me?

I'd better not.
I gotta keep a clear head.

I want you to know I'm
very grateful

to you for everything
that you did.

You just may be the nicest
person that ever lived.

I don't have to stand here
and listen to that kind of talk.

Well, I mean it.

I'm 48 years old

and in this whole stupid,
miserable world

the only friend that I've got is

somebody that I met
two hours ago.

Now, isn't that pathetic?

Don't let it
get you down.

Oh, I screwed up again.

- What's the matter?
- I forgot to get matches.

You wouldn't
happen to have any...

- Here you are. Keep them.
- ...matches. Thank you.

You sure?
Maybe just half a glass? Huh?

Bon voyage?

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to kill myself.

Not again.

Oh, yes, but don't worry.
You don't have to tie me to a chair.

- I'm not going to do it here.
- You sure now?

- Word of honor.
- That's my boy.

This time, I'm gonna give them
something to remember me by.

I'm gonna set myself
on fire!

- What!?
- Oh, I'm gonna climb up there,

I'm gonna douse myself
with all of that fluid,

light a match, and...
pa-whew... human torch.

They'll see me
for miles around.

- You're gonna climb up where?
- Up the fire escape to the roof,

- And when I jump...
- You're gonna jump from this roof?

You talk about your
ninth plateau?

I'll show them
some white-hot flames!

Are you out
of your fucking mind?!

Nobody's gonna stop me
this time!

Open up you crazy bastard!

I ain't got time
for this kind of shit.

Apocalypse now!

Wait a minute!

Ah! Ooh!

You hurt?

All right, take it easy.

Just take it easy.

Ah! Don't... don't worry.

I won't leave you alone...

Buddy.

We're ready just about
ready to pick up Gambola.

Alert the choppers to stand by.
- Yes, sir.

Come in.

McCluskey here.

Observed man climbing
out on fire escape.

Alley side of hotel.
Third floor.

I read you.

I wonder if it's the same guy
who was out on the ledge before?

What guy? What ledge?

Somebody clowning around
up there, but he went back in.

What do you mean,
clowning around?

- Did you check him out?
- Of course not.

You told us
not to leave our posts.

- In case it was a diversion.
- Jesus Christ.

Do I have to do
everything around here myself?

Parks the car.
See you upstairs.

Anything you say, schatzi.

Are these all the people you got
registered on the third floor?

Yes, captain.
Something wrong?

Oh, just that one of your
guests keeps climbing around

on the outside
of the building, that's all.

That's very unusual.

I bet it's that guy in 359
who tried to hang himself.

Hang himself?

I saw it.

And you didn't
report it?

359... Victor Clooney.

That's the joker.

Victor Clooney.
What room is he in?

Who are you?

I'm doctor Zuckerbrot.
I must see him immediately.

What's the trouble?

I am sorry, but
the confidential relationship

between doctor
and patient...

Come on.

The trouble is
he's a fruitcake

with suicidal tendencies.

He's in room 359.
Let's go.

Please. In his condition,
it is better I see him alone,

or he may
flip out altogether.

Okay, doc.
You handle it.

Tell him to keep away
from the windows

or he's liable
to get his ass shot off.

Sorry, I have no brandy.

Your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Oh, my head.

I'll get you
a cold compress, okay?

I keep forgetting.

Relax, Mr. Clooney.

You are in good hands.

Who invited you here?

I'm a doctor. Quick!
Help me pull down his pants.

His pants?

I'm going to give him
an injection.

Wrong end...
he hurt his head.

Do not tell me
my business.

What are you
gonna give him?

A shot of torazine,
to quiet him down.

We don't want him jumping
out of the ambulance.

What ambulance?

To take him to the
psychiatric ward.

Psychiatric ward?

That's the law.

Anybody who is suicidal
has to be locked up for observation.

Suicidal? Him?

Born loser

Misfit.

His wife walked out on him.

Oh! Ah, really?

From the way
she described him,

I somehow thought
he would be a lot homelier.

Is that so?

Although, must say...

he's better equipped than
I would have expected.

She discussed
it with you?

You a friend
of Mr. Clooney?

No, no, no. Just met him
this morning. Next door neighbours.

Well...

from what she told me
about their sex life...

not that there's
that much to tell...

Go on, go on.

Imagine, for 12 years,

every Wednesday and
Saturday night like clockwork.

and during all that time,
not one orgasm.

That's a lie!

Of course. Like any
good wife, she faked it.

For 12 years?

How is he?

Under sedation.

Help me
with the straitjacket.

Who's that?

What do you mean, "who's that"?
That's your husband.

Try again, doc.
You're not even warm.

Who's he?

Tell him, big mouth.
You told him everything else...

how great I was
in the sack.

Victor.

What else
did you tell him...

that I cheat
on crossword puzzles,

I steal sugar
in restaurants,

that I wet my bed
till I was 11?

No, Victor, believe me.
I never mentioned that.

A bed wetter.

Aha!
That explains everything.

I'll kill him, so help me!

Look what you did
to my best friend!

They ought to get you
for malpractice...

sticking a needle
up the wrong guy.

Victor, we were doing it
for your own good!

My own good?! You were going to
put me in a nut house.

I admit I made a mistake...

but that's easily corrected.

If you will be so kind
as to drop your trousers.

Wouldn't you like that.

I drop my pants, you drop
your pants, she drops her pants.

I've heard of that...
ménage a trois!

Victor,
you're running amok!

You are one sick doctor
and you ought to be horse whipped.

And have your cojones
cut off and be deported.

Don't you touch him!

There it is,
your wedding ring.

Oh my God. It's the 'p' word.

You know what
your problem is, Victor?

You should have
been born a man!

Celia, I may have
loved you once.

Right now, I don't even
like you much.

Now get the hell out of
here before I lose my cool!

Good idea. I have a lecture
on sex at the condominium.

Here, take this with you,
you little geek.

You can always go back
to your first wife.

Out!

Oh.

What time is it?

You mean right now?

Is it 2:00 yet?

20 minutes off.

Jesus!

What happened here?

We had to take
your pants down.

Who?

Me and the doctor.

What for?

- So he could give you a shot.
- Why?

He thought you were me.

You?
You son of a bitch!

You'll feel better
tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
I got 20 minutes.

- I got to get ready.
- For what?

Coffee... I need black coffee.

I'll call downstairs.

Shower, cold shower.

Wait, no, not in there.

Here. Here.

Ah.

Room service, please.

This is room 361.
Would you send up a pot of coffee?

No, no cream, no sugar.
Just black, hot, and strong.

Feeling better, are we?
Huh?

Hit me.

Hit you? Why?
You're my buddy.

Hit me!

Okay.

Harder!

Again!

Again!
I got to wake up!

20 minutes to go.

You got a date
or something? Huh?

Possible straight.

- Possible nothin'.
- You're right.

Queensies, pair of 10s.

All right, break it up!

Let's get this show
on the road.

Where is he?

Hey, Gambola!

Where the hell are you?

At a time like this,
you're dancing?

Who's dancing? I'm trying to
keep from freezing my balls off.

Let's go.

Well, are you ready
for your finest hour?

To tell you the truth,
I'm scared shitless.

Well you should be.
But I've got it all worked out.

I'm gonna save
that miserable life of yours.

Well, I'm sure glad
to hear it.

I need a volunteer.

Get out of here.

Lee.

Nah, too short.
Kowalski, you try it.

Good.
You two change clothes.

What's the gag?

If they're gonna
pick off anybody,

it's gonna be
the guy in civilian clothes.

Clever?

Yeah, I like it.

Personally,
I think it stinks.

What time is it now?

12 minutes to 2:00.

That lighter fluid.
Where is it?

What do you want
with that?

Get it!

Hurry!

Open it.
Open it up! Quick!

Ah.

I need help.

Hey, that's a gun.

Well, what are you gonna...
do with that?

You're gonna shoot
across the street?

You're gonna kill
that witness.

You killed the other two,
didn't you?

What is this,
20 questions?

You're a killer.

- Give it to me.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on,
you stupid asshole.

I'm not gonna let you
kill anybody.

You keep saying
we're buddies.

That's why.

So now you want me
to get killed.

Well, if you're worried
about the cops...

Screw the cops!

It's the people I work for... I'm talkin'
about the guys with the pinky rings.

I got a contract and if I don't
deliver, you know what happens?

I wind up on fisherman's wharf,
all chopped up for bait.

Why don't we get out of here
right now? I'll hide you.

Give me that gun.

I got a cousin in Colorado, he has
a ski lodge and it's out of season.

- What we do is get a couple of canned goods...
- Asshole.

Hey, Gambola.

A suit like this...
how much it set you back?

Oh, like $700, $800.

Shame
to get blood all over it.

Don't worry.
I got three more like that.

Okay, you're gonna shoot
that guy,

then you'll have to shoot me, too,
because I'll be a witness.

Where does it end?

You gonna kill everybody
in the world?

Don't you ever stop
yakking?

Son of a bitch.
I don't think I can do it.

Good.

I can't focus. I can't see a
god damned thing out there.

I'm a dead man.

Don't say that.

This was gonna be
enough money to retire on,

because in this line of work,

you don't qualify
for social security.

I loused it up
for you, didn't I?

I had my island
all picked out.

On a clear day,
you can see Tahiti.

I came this close,
but no cigar.

Listen, this guy that you
were gonna knock off...

who is he?

A hood. A mobster.
A no-good fink.

Maybe I could help.

Yeah,
pray for an earthquake.

Let me do the job.

- You?... Yeah. I have nothin'
to lose. Besides, I owe you one.

What are you gonna do...

walk across the street
and throw up all over him?

I know how
to handle a gun!

I used to be able
to hit a milk bottle

with a BB gun
from 200 feet.

Well, this is no BB gun,

and it's more like
200 yards,

and we're not talking about
any milk bottle.

I know what I'm doing.

One thing...
the safety catch...

is it on or off?

Okay, bring him out.

Here they come.

What do you see?

A lot of cops...
and one civilian.

That's him!

All right,
It's all set up for you.

As soon as he reaches
the eighth step...

Za-ping!

Nervous time.

They're on the first step...

second, third,

fourth...

five, six,

seven...

Now!

Oh my God.

What's the matter?

I think I shot a cop.

You fuckup!

Third floor. Last window
on the right.

They got the son of a bitch.

Must be a real
pro up there.

Yeah.

All right! Let's
smoke him out!

The fire escape.

This way, piss brain.

You take the elevator.

359... let's get him!

Stay close together.

- There's nobody in here.
- Search the whole floor!

What now?
They'll find us!

In there, you turkey!

All the way down?
Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

Yeo-o-o-w!

Wh-o-o-o-oa!

We made it.

Not yet!

You'd better drive, shit head.

- Have I done something to offend you?
- Get in there.

You wouldn't have
a spare dickey, would you?

Stop that car!

Stop it!

Oh, Christ.

I'm sorry.

Boy, am I glad I caught you.

Are you, now?

I've got a dying man
over here.

I don't know
what denomination he is,

but just to be on the safe side,
would you mind saying a few words?

Of course, my son.
That goes with the job...

to give light in darkness,
comfort in despair,

tranquility in stress.

He's right up here
on those steps.

Psst. I'll wait for you.

Get out of here.
Beat it.

What about you?

Never mind.
Save your own ass.

Will I see you again?

You heard me. Fuck off.

Father,

you said the 'f' word.

Tempus fugit. Habeas corpus.
Et pluribus unum.

Ipso facto. Caveat emptor.
In flagrante delicto.

Nolo contendere. Adeste fideles.
Hasta la vista. Amen.

Trabucco!

What did he say?

It's Latin.

It means "Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned".

Rest in peace, my son.

He's off and running
with the 50.

Down to the Baltimore
40-yard line.

Go! Go, baby!

Go! Go! Go!

Got it!

... The play, made by Doug Nettles,
who showed...

Did you see that catch
and that run?

Temperature 29 degrees
at kick off...

and the snow is falling again
at Three Rivers...

Bradshaw is back
deep again. Lots of time.

... they mark the ball
around the Baltimore 26.

Going way deep
for Stalworth...

... and it is caught
for a touchdown.

Touchdown. Touchdown.
Bwak!

Help!

Help!

Got to wonder why it didn't
go out of bounds...

Mister. Mister. Come quickly.
Man in boat. Man in boat.

Shut up! Not now!

All right, Bradshaw.
Come on.

Gary's running with the football.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.
That's it. Hey look at that...

He slid about 5 yards.

Second down and ten yards
to go. The Rookie...

What the hell is this?

Ah!

Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

I thought
I'd never find you.

Just who are you
looking for?

Who am I looking for?!
You! Trabucco!

There's nobody here
by that name.

There's nobody here by...

What are you trying to do
to me?

I've been to 93 islands.
It's taken me months.

I'm sorry.
You got the wrong island.

Fix up his boat!

Give him a gallon of water,
and away he goes!

Oh, for God's sake!
Don't you recognize me?!

Victor Clooney! The turkey!

The piss brain!

Oh, yeah. The shit head.

That's the one.
Now you got it.

Why didn't you say so.

I thought I was going crazy.
Too much sun or something.

When are you leaving?

I can't leave. I'm wanted.

Not by me.

By the police.
I'm a fugitive.

They can't pin
Gambola on you.

Gambola nothing. I blew
up the whole freaking clinic.

With your wife
and the doctor?

Yeah. Well, the doctor's
back in East Berlin.

Celia ran off with
the receptionist.

Here I am.
I almost didn't make it.

Almost doesn't count.

It's a goddamn tropical
paradise. How'd you find it?

I picked it up cheap.
11 hundred dollars.

It used to be a leper colony.

What happened to the lepers?

They moved them out when
they started testing the A-bomb.

There's lots of radiation
around here... and sharks.

And man eating turtles.

Well, I guess you're stuck with me.

What have I done
to deserve this?

Aw...

I'm glad
to see you, too, buddy.

But there's no need
to get emotional about it. Huh?

Lunch... it is ready!

Just a minute. There'll
be one more for lunch...

...and dinner, and breakfast.
Where can I wash up?

Oh, when you fix my bed, would you put a board
under the mattress... bad back, you know.

When does
the rainy season start?

Tell me, Tatupu.

Didn't you guys use to have
human sacrifices around here...

tossing people
into that volcano?

Yes,
but not for 200 years.

Ever think
of reviving the custom?

Well, for that you must have
a leap year, and a full moon,

and a virgin.

We don't have to be
that neat.