Bryan Callen: Never Grow Up (2017) - full transcript

Bryan Callen discusses his dreams as a boy, his unique upbringing and what he wishes to pass on to his children.

male announcer: Please give
a big Irvine round of applause.

My brother from another mother:

Mr. Bryan Callen.

[cheers and applause]

[applause continues]

- What’s up, Irvine?
What’s up?

[cheers and applause]

I love it!

My God.

What a crazy--

what a crazy job.



This is so nuts.

Like, I don’t know any of you,

and you’re all looking at me
like this.

And I got to solve that problem

for the next hour.

It’s--it's so
anticlimactic, though.

It’s so awesome.
You guys are, like, "Ahhh!"

And then I’m like--
then I got to go into jokes.

Like, if you’re a musician,
you’d be like,

"One! Two! Three!"

I want to--
I want to do something.

I want to--
I’d love to just, like--

I swear to God, I want to be
the one comic

that just starts things off.



Like, I want to pull
my pants off

and release doves.

Wouldn’t that be cool?

I don’t know how you'd do that.
But I was like, "Dahhh!"

And you guys--"His dick!"
But then doves.

I can’t believe I do this
for a living.

This is so--you’re never
encouraged to do that.

I got in trouble for this
my whole life.

Nobody, when you’re a kid--
nobody’s like,

"You"--in algebra--
"Keep not paying attention.

"Keep doing--keep disrupting
the class.

"Every time I turn my back,
keep chewing your tongue

and mock jerking off."

That was my go-to.
I’d be like, "I'm bored.

I need attention.
Mmmmm!"

Still works. Look.

It’s unbelievable.

Just like, men are supposed
to be, like serious.

Like, the more manly you get
on the man scale--

like, if you go from
least manly, like librarian,

to superhero--

like, as you climb that ladder,

the more serious you are.

My dad was a Marine.
That dude never even smiled.

That dude--a man,
like, traditionally,

you’re supposed to have
a grimace, like...[grunts]

You don’t--no smiling.
Just...[grunts], you know.

And you grunt.
Just--ehh! Grunt!

You do--ehh! You know.

Never--and never, ever, laugh.

A real man never laughs

unless he’s taking a life.

And then, "Heh, heh, heh, heh."

That’s the only time.

It’s the only time.

Otherwise, you grimace
and you grunt,

because you do things that
require grimacing and grunting.

You fight, you punch, you work
with your hands, you--

I don’t know what this is.

I’m unscrewing a huge jar.
Whatever.

But that’s what your life is.

A fight, it’s work,
and you have sex some--

you reward yourself some--
but same intensity.

Ehhh! You know, you have
the same...

If a real man is behind
a closed door,

you don’t know if he's fighting,
fucking, or doing chores.

You don’t know, man.

It’s crazy, man.

None of the great men--

none of the great men
were funny.

I was thinking, I’ll never be
historically significant.

I went through the whole list
of all the great men,

like Copernicus and Galileo
and Freud and Newton.

Einstein--Einstein was witty,
but he wasn’t--

he wasn’t, like--you know,
you don’t read about him

being a silly goose, as well.

You don’t... he wasn't like,

"Well, when protons stick
to a helium isotope,

"you got to make sure you
stabilize the electrons.

"Now, if the electrons
do disappear,

you might want
to check your butt."

[giggling]

Eh...
you know what I mean?

Like, I went through the list.
Like, Gandhi--

Martin Luther King never
told a fart joke.

I guarantee.

Nobody was laughing
during his speeches.

Maybe racists were,
but that’s it.

That’s the only people.

It’s weird. I'm just--I’m
funnier than all those people.

I know, I know.

It’s weird to have one skill set

that’s better than
all the great men.

Even Jesus.

No, I don’t--
no, I don’t know.

I’m just saying, I'm sure
he was awesome.

He’s better at everything.

I just don’t know
how funny he was.

I don’t know.

I’ve been to church;
I read the Bible.

Never laughed once, man.

I’m just--I don't--

I’m--no, I don't know.

I’m sure--look,
walking on water, amazing.

But stand-up is diff--
I’m really--

this takes a long time, man.

There’s no--I'm just saying,
if I do an hour,

and then he were to come on
just out of the gates,

first time, you think
he’s gonna be funnier?

Get the fuck out--not a shot.

I’m sorry.
Even the Pope.

Even the Pope would be like,

"Eh, Bryan’s funnier
than the Lord."

I think.

It’s weird to start my show off

saying I’m funnier than God,

but...

I get so nervous, man.

I got--I got to start--

I really, truly feel like I
have to get more religious.

I feel like I got to--
’cause I just feel so lucky.

I’ve been given everything.

I’m not just talking about
my physical symmetry

and my jawline, but I’m
talking about--

no, but for real, man.

I didn’t do anything.
Look, man.

I mean, I was born--I was--

I’m a white American male
in 2015

who gets paid to make
people laugh.

[cheers and applause]

I won the historical
lottery, man.

I have--there’s no--
I can’t complain about anything.

I’m just--I'm just lucky.

I was just born on third base.
God told me to run home.

But I got to do--I feel like
I got to do something

to make the world
a better place.

I can’t just take.
I can’t--

’cause if I die tomorrow,
that’s not gonna be--

I haven’t done enough
to make the world--

I haven’t given enough.

I just feel like I’m
gonna get to Heaven

and God’s gonna be like,
"Well, well, well.

"Check it out everybody,
it’s the taker.

"Look at Takey Takey Take, huh?

"Gave you all that opportunity,
a white guy, and what’d you do?

"You went out, you ate a lot,
and you made your dick happy.

Ain’t that right?"

[chomping, grunting]

Seriously, you ever think
about what you do?

Man, it’s all about this.
And I don’t know, man.

I got to start--
I don’t even--

like, I’m too horny, I think,
to be a good person.

Like, I...

I mean, just as a guy,
you’re always thinking,

it’s always this--he just--
if I didn’t have this situation,

I’d get so much done, but he's
always like, "Let’s go!"

You know, "I want
to fuck strangers!"

I’m like, "Whoa, I'm married.

I got to--I could
lose my house."

But it’s just a lot
of bad advice.

You know what I’m saying?
You guys--

guys know what I’m saying, man.

It’s like, I don't even--
I just--

I don’t even think about--
like, it never enters my mind.

My--my thoughts are so filthy.

I never think about
helping the poor.

Like, I don’t even--
I don’t even Google charity.

My search history’s just
full of sin, man.

It’s hard being a guy.

Being a guy is--
women don’t understand.

It’s just constant, man.

I--women are--you guys
are so complicated

with the sexual experience.

You need all this information.

You got to know my name,
all this bullshit.

Dudes, man, dudes can
fall in love--

they can--they can drive by
a women 25 miles an hour.

That’s all they need.
They’re in.

They’re just like,
"I fuckin’ love you!"

And they mean it.

You ever think about what you
think about all the time, man?

It’s just, you know...

If I’m not horny,
I’m worried.

It’s one or the other.

I’m like the horny worrier.

That’s what they're gonna write
on my tombstone

if I don’t--if I don't
clean my thoughts up.

I don’t want--
I don’t want to die.

I want to fuck.
You know, back and forth.

You know? It’s a terrible
thing to say.

I’m not that simple.

Like, sometimes I--
I have overlap.

Like, sometimes I get worried
in the middle of being horny.

Does that ever happen to you?
You know what I mean?

Where you’re like, having sex,
and you’re like,

"I could die right now."
You know what I mean?

Like, global warming
or whatever, I don’t know.

Or you’re like, "I should have
locked the door--home invasion."

You know?

Not that I--that’s gross.
I shouldn’t masturbate.

I don’t...
but that’s the only time.

I don’t masturbate standing up.
I’m just saying.

I don’t...
that was for the joke.

That’s the only time that
good posture and a smile

is creepy.

Right? If I catch
you masturbating,

please be hunched over
your computer.

Be--have some shame,
you know what I mean?

Hide from the dog.
Anything.

If I catch you, and you’re
just smiling, like...

Just staring at a wall, I can’t
be friends with you, man.

It’s crazy.
I’m a good person.

That’s what I always
say to myself.

Like, I’m a good person.

But I don’t even know
what that means.

I’m a good person as long
as things are going my way.

You know what I mean?
If I miss some sleep--

I had an hour of sleep--

like, I like everybody.

I love ev--
I’ve always been--

I’ve always--I just mean
everybody everywhere

all the best, but I was
working on an hour of sleep,

and I was like, "I want
everybody to die."

Like, I hate ev--
you know what I mean?

And then I got hungry.
I was at the airport.

And I--nothing was open.

And I was--an hour of sleep,
and I was hungry--

and I was, fucking--

I kicked a puppy, man.
I was like...

It was wagging.
I was like, "Come on!"

You know? Just...

it’s just weird.

My character and my biology
are so linked.

It sucks.

I don’t know, man, I just--
I give, though.

I’m not--I am a good--
I do give.

I do try to make the world
a better place, man.

I give.
I give to the homeless.

I keep change in my console.

And when they come
to my window, I always--

I always--I always, man, I’m--

’cause I don't know, I don’t
know what happened to you.

I’m always like, you know,
"Don’t touch my car."

And you know--no, but I say--
I give them also advice.

You know, "Shave.
You should get it together."

Whatever I do. And you know,
"Watch my special."

Whatever it is, but...

but no, and I--
I’ll give a dollar sometimes.

I don’t care. I'm crazy.

And... no, but we have
limits, though.

Like, I--like, you know--

like, the other day, I thought
I was giving him a dollar,

but it turned out to be
a five dollar bill,

and I was like, "Whoa!"

[chuckles] I pull it back,

and it was so weird,
because he was like, "Aw!"

And I was like, "Aw!"
And then it was--

and then the light was red,
and it was awkward,

because he was like, "Aw!"
It was like I teased him.

I was like, "Oh!"
And then, then it’s like,

who am I, really?
What am I gonna do?

And then the light turned green,
and I was like...

[imitating engine roaring]
You know.

It’s a bad story.

It was Tuesday.
It’s not a five-dollar day.

If it’s Christmas, of course,
but come on, man.

I don’t know, man.

Two ways to make the world
a better place:

charity, giving,

and the other...

is to vanquish evil.

Protect the innocent.
Strike down the wicked.

That’s--that's what I--

that’s what I--
that’s why I ultimately

have never really been happy.

Because I--I just still
haven’t become the man

that I wanted to be.

You know, the man I used to go
to the movies for.

I took movies seri--
as a kid, man,

I would be like, "I’m gonna do
what that guy in the cape does."

And my friends are like, "Bro,

you gotta be a doctor
or a lawyer."

I was like, "Yeah,
if you’re a pussy.

I’m doing what that guy does."

I just--I always--

I can’t believe
that I’m still not--

like, I’m--I just--
there are people--

look, man, there are people
that need to fuckin’ die.

I don’t care what anybody says.

They are, they’re ruining it
for all of us.

Most people are good.

There are just a handful
of people that just need--

and everybody in this room
knows at least one person.

At least one person that
could die violently, okay?

In public, you might be like,
"That’s so terrible."

But in private, you’d be like...

[snickering]

You know, you know, "I know
I shouldn’t be laughing,

but he was such a dick,"
you know.

And that’s how--I just--

I just feel like I just--
I got to fucking--

I just--and I
was always hoping--

like, my kung fu is strong.

Don’t kid yourself.

I’m... psssh!

That move right there, psssh!

That’s my favorite.
That’s hard.

That will stop your heart,
if I unleash it.

If I work from my
Hara,

psssh! psssh!

That--it’s one of my favorite
moves in street fighting.

The other move in kung fu, um...

sorry, that’s Chinese
for kung fu.

I speak Chinese.
It doesn’t matter.

If I’m serious, I'll go
in the body here.

I go all the way in,
I will grab the heart,

pull it out while
it’s still pumping.

And I still--I can’t--fucking--
it’s hard to do.

Honestly, I don’t
have it mastered.

Every time I’m in
a street fight,

I do that, I get punched
right in the face, man.

I know. And I practice.

My fingers, I jam them in--

in vats of dry rice constantly.

And I practice on goats.
I still can’t get it in.

I know, man.

I shouldn’t even show you guys
this stuff.

This is fuckin’...

I got to close my fist,
but the point is...

I just--I feel like--
I think heroes--

like, every guy wants
to be a hero.

That’s all I want to do.

I mean, it’s great if people
are like, "Bryan,

what’s it like to be the
greatest comedian of all time?"

All that stupid stuff, like--
I’m always like,

"I don’t put any stake in those
stupid awards," but you know,

"but you won in
all five categories."

"Yeah, okay, I’m
the Michael Jordan of comedy."

That doesn’t matter.

But just to be a great--

I think that great heroes--
I think you’re chosen.

I think the gods are like,
"He’s the one."

Like, I--as a kid,
I was always hoping.

Like, I just--I remember
as a kid, just hoping,

like, I would do something.

I would receive a sign,
’cause I knew

I could make the world
a better place.

I just--like, I always wanted to
sprout angel wings or something.

Like, you’re brushing
your teeth, and all of a sudden

you’re like, "What the..."

[popping]

"Mom!"

And your mom comes in.
She’s like,

"[gasps] You’re the one!"

Aww!

That, or sometimes, another way

you know that you’ve
been chosen is if

small birds start
landing on you.

Yeah, just small birds,
sparrows.

If you’re--
if you’re in the back yard

and you’re covered
in sparrows one day,

that’s--it's probably time
to get your gear.

It’s probably...

sparrows and squirrels,
those are the two.

If squirrels start jumping
in your pocket

and sparrows.

Now, it’s got to be
sparrows and squirrels.

If it’s rats and crows,

run to fuckin’ church
right away.

That’s not a good sign.

One bird.
I just need one bird.

Just one. One bird
lands on my shoulder.

I got a list of people

that are getting the shit kicked
out of them.

I’m telling you.

And I’ll tell you who's
number one on my list.

I’ll tell you who's number one.

Those A-holes from
the movie "Taken."

I hate--argh! Rrrgh!

I hate Eastern European
sex traffickers.

I’m sorry.
I don’t mean to generalize.

I’m sure some are nice people.

Whatever.

For the most part--[shouts]

The minute--and I’m not gonna--

I’m not gonna use my kung fu.

I’m not gonna just go in
and start kicking ass.

I will warn them.
I will warn them.

I’m gonna walk right
to their headquarters.

I’m gonna be like, "You guys!

Let the girl go."

And if they give me any
of their bullshit, like,

"I’m sorry, my friend,
it’s not possible.

She belongs to us."

I’m gonna live out the movie.

I got a good life, but if you
turn my life into a movie,

I wouldn’t recommend going.

But I’ll tell you
something right now.

I’ll tell you
something right now.

The minute they say,
"Go fuck yourself,"

I will fuckin’--
I’m gonna unleash my fuckin'--

it’s gonna be this,
this, that...

Psssh! Psssh!

No, that’s standing Jiu-Jitsu.

You don’t know anything.

Psssh! Psssh!

[yells]

I just threw his dick away.
You see that?

Psh! Psh! Psh!
Anyway.

The point is, actually,
she’s in a tower.

And I wanted them to build
stairs, but they couldn’t.

So picture me walking upstairs
as I’m fighting, 'cause she’s--

I’ve always wanted to rescue
a woman in a tower.

And I get there, and I’m--

there’s just bodies
all over the stairs,

just bodies of Eastern European
sex traffickers.

And hearts everywhere.

And I’m out of breath, and she's
behind the door.

And I’m wet. I don't know why.

I just like the idea
of being wet.

My--my fantasy is I’m always--

the water’s rivuleting
through my--

and my hair is in my--

I don’t have this bullshit hair.

It’s...

I don’t.

If this hair gets wet,

it looks like lettuce, man.

It’s not funny.
I had to get--

I had to bring a hair guy in.

Anyway...

But I--and then she’s like,
"Help me."

A lot of guys would
pick the lock. Not me.

I fucking kick the door open.

I’ve always wanted to just
kick a door open with my heel.

And every time I rescue
a woman in my fantasy,

she’s always in a state
of undress.

She barely has time
to cover her breasts.

She’s... "Who are you?
What are you doing here?"

I’m like, "We don't
have time to talk!

Let me help you with these!"
I don’t know. You know.

I don’t know what I do.
It’s an emergency.

I know I got to get
her out of there.

I grab her by the small
of her waist, and I just hit--

I hoist her here.

Use your hips.
Don’t hurt your back.

Use, and throw her up.

I would grab her by the hand
and run her out,

but she can’t keep up.

My legs are too long.

They’re too long and heroic.
I cover too much ground, man.

Look at me, I’m a fuckin'--
I’m a racehorse, man.

She’s in high heels.

How’s she gonna--
it’s impossible.

She’s on my shoulder.

She’s never been on
a hero’s shoulder.

She’s like, "Holy shit.

Your body feels like warm wood."

Or whatever.

She’s on my back, and I'm just
mowing her captors down.

Just [imitates machine gun].

Machine gun,
holding it sideways.

You ever seen that in a movie?

Let me answer the question.

No, you fuckin’ haven't.

[imitates machine gun]
And she’s like, "Ahhh!"

I’m like, "Calm down!"

That’s just how I calm
a woman down.

And I lost my pants
in the fight.

I don’t know if
I mentioned that.

No, ’cause--nothing weird.

I was just fighting, and, uh,

they released a dog--
attack dog.

Dutch shepherd. Bite-trained.
I could tell.

And I was fighting.

I didn’t see it,
but I could sense it,

’cause I run with wolves.

And I just--
and it came at me,

and I had to--I had to--

I pulled here, and it
grabbed me here.

And I kicked it off, like that.

And it took my pants,
’cause my pants are Velcro.

And, uh...

yeah, so my piece was just,
like, flying, you know.

It was like I--
it’s not safe, 'cause I--

I’m fighting, and it--
there’s too much floppage.

I could tear out my sack,

so I had to take my bandana off
and tie down.

Tight. I tie down tight.

It’s not comfortable,

but it keeps me disciplined
and honest.

I’m all about discipline
and honesty.

I know, but the fight
wasn’t over.

The dog came back at me,
and I had to--

it’s hard to demonstrate.

But you got to--you absorb.

He came at my face,
and I had to--

you ever see "The Matrix"?

Doesn’t matter, but see,
you’re here,

moving here, and I caught--

you have to, here, and catch--

here, catch the head.

Put the body between your legs,

and then you got
to alpha the dog.

Show the dog who’s boss.

Don’t hurt it, just, just...
shh, shh, shh.

That works on male humans, too.

Just here.

It’s just how you
break his spirit.

Now I own him. Anyway...

It’s scary.

I’m just
[imitates machine gun].

And I don’t run out of bullets.

Don’t worry, 'cause I don’t.

I’m wearing
bandoleros.

Yeah,
bandoleros.

It’s Spanish for bandolero.

I speak Spanish.

I am Spanish, I think.
I don’t know.

I’ve always wanted
to look more--

I love that look,
that beautiful Latin, the hair.

I--I want to be, you know,
salsa dancer.

You know that fuckin’--
I love that, man.

My name, though, I don’t
have a--it’s a bullshit name.

I don’t have a hero's name.
"Bryan."

"Bryan’s here! We're safe now!"

Who says that?

I want a Spanish nickname.

I’d love to have a Span--that's
when you know you’re a badass,

when they give you
a Spanish nickname, man.

I’d give a pinky to kick
a door open and have a girl go,

"[gasps]
El Gato."

Anything Spanish:
El Gato, Escorpión.

Even butterfly.
"[gasps]
Mariposa."

Man!

Oh...

I love that.

There are a lot of problems
with me being
El Gato.

I just--I don’t have--

I don’t have that mindset, man.
I wake up--

like,
El Gato
wakes up
every morning, he’s like,

"Today is a good day to die!"

I woke up the other day
and my feet hurt.

I was like, "Uhhh!"

I know. My--my wife was like,
"What’s wrong?"

And I was like,
"I definitely have foot cancer

or something."

El Gato
doesn’t Google
foot cancer.

It’s ridiculous.

You try to be a hero in
your everyday life.

Like sex.
I try to be, you know...

I try to, you know what I mean?
Talk dirty.

And just be a man.

Like, pull your hair,
and just, yeah.

But then at the moment of truth,
like when I have my thing,

I don’t--it all goes
out the window.

I don’t know how
El Gato--

I don’t know how he does it.
I don’t know.

I’ve never been in the room,
but I’d imagine a hero,

when he has his thing,
it’s probably a gift.

He’s probably like,
"I made this for you!"

You know?

Maybe he sings.
♪ Ma-ha-ha-ha-ha

I don’t know.

I try. I try to look--
I just, I can’t.

I lock up.
I can’t help it.

My whole body--I just--

like I’m being electrocuted,
like...[grunts]!

I look like I’m about to sneeze.
Ah, ah.

You know.

And I say weird shit sometimes.

[yelling] Mommy!
You know.

I’m not built for--I don't--
it sucks, man.

I always--I was hoping I would--

I kept waiting to grow
into heroic stature.

Just, I wanted big elbows,
and just--

my father’s a giant.

My dad, I thought
I’d grow into my--

my dad is big.

He grew up on a farm, no money.

His mother just stuck
an udder in his mouth.

[smacking] And all the calcium
went to his head and his feet.

He can’t find shoes, hats.
Beds are tricky.

Can’t dial a cell phone.
Fingers are too fat.

You ever see a giant try
to dial a cell phone?

It’s impossible. They can't--

I feel bad for giants.

Samoans have the same problem.

They get--
because he hits, like, one,

and then he catches some
of the two and the four.

Like, so frustrating.
He’s like, Mmm! Mmm!

Mmmm! [roars]

I’ll do it for you.

"Thank you."

I don’t look anything
like my dad.

Nothing. Doesn’t have a neck.

Hairy, too. Hairy.

Like, there’s hairy, and then
there’s "of the forest" hairy.

That dude could walk up
to a beehive naked

and just starting eating honey;
he’d be fine.

He’d have to cover his nose.
That’s it.

Just mmm, mmm.

I take after my mother’s side.

My mother’s Southern Italian.

But not the good
Southern Italian.

Not like, you know,
Mafioso,
you know.

Like, strong.
You know, you think about--

they were, like, pickpockets
and peasants.

Just... it’s like a long line
of petty crime and peasantry.

They dug in the dirt,
and they would...

Little people. They look like
cashews with feet.

Just shitty...

It’s not even a family tree.

It’s a family bush.

Just... [grunts]

It sucks, man.

I could pick your pocket
in a group like this.

What are you gonna say
to the cops?

How you gonna describe me?
What are you gonna say?

"He was white.
Brown hair. Medium."

Ha, ha, ha!

I work out, but no matter what--
no matter--like, I try.

I’ve always wanted to have
that kind of body

where people are like,
"Holy shit, Bryan," you know.

I don’t--the more I work out,
the more I just--

like, I’m not--
my dad was built.

He was a Marine, built for war.

And I thought I’d--but I'm not.
I’m built for dance.

Look at this shit.
Like, I have--

like, I have--I can pop, and--

look at the--look at how--
I’ve never taken dance.

Look at the--
look at the precision and the--

and the vulnerability
in my eyes, I just...

I know, I can do four.

I’m amazing.
It’s nothing.

It’s nothing.

My spinal cord’s made of rope.
What is this?

It’s not this--you can't be
that supple and be a hero.

I should have been a dancer,
but we don’t--

I didn’t come from a culture
that supports it.

I’m straight, so it's
just complicated.

We’re too homophobic.

As a straight man, I could never
do the things that I--

I could never pop my--
I couldn’t button my dances

like that without answering
a bunch of questions.

You know, it’s very hard
being a straight guy.

They keep you in a cylinder.

There are so many things you
can’t do with your body.

As a straight guy,
you gotta dance...

I was--I travel.

I’m telling you--Canada,
it doesn’t matter, you got to--

straight men, when they dance,
have to keep their arms bent.

This is what--
do whatever you want,

but your arms--
one hand can go up.

You can go low,
but you must default here

in case you got to keep
somebody away.

I don’t know what it is.

But I’ll tell you,
I’ll tell you the rule.

When you’re a straight guy, you
can never straighten your arms.

Ever. The minute--the minute
you straighten your arms,

you’re fucked.

You know what bugs me?

I’m not brave.

It bothers me, man.

I’m just not, I--
it’s important to me,

but I got--
I got exposed.

My buddy scared me
the other day, scared me.

He just--all he did is
he went, "Ahhh!"

That’s all he did.
He jumped out of the bushes

and went, "Nahhh!"

And if you’re--

if you’re
El Gato,

and the minute he goes, "Ahh,"
you just hit.

You don’t even move.
Just "bah!" You just--

You don’t even react.

You’re like,
"Oh jeez, I’m sorry."

I didn’t do that. I, uh...

I know.

First of all, the noise I made.

This is the kind of shit
I worry about.

I’m afraid I'm gonna make
a bitchy noise when I die.

I am. I hope I make
a man noise.

I hope I’m like, "Uhh!"
You know.

Or I want to--or maybe
I could say something.

Like, "Bring it, pussy!"
You know.

But I have a high voice.

I’m afraid I'm gonna squeak--
[squeaks] And die.

And...

my, my...

they shot--they scared me,

and they filmed it
on video camera.

This is when you know.

They used the iPhone 6 so you
could see my reaction

in slow motion.

Watching yourself become
a coward in slow motion...

And by the way, my friend’s
a dirtbag.

Like, I knew him ten years.

What--the joy on his face.

When the camera slows down,

you can tell a lot about
somebody’s character.

You just see him--
he just steps out.

I’m walking, and you see him--

he steps out, and he just goes,

"Oooohhhh-aaahhhhh!"

Right?

And you see me.

I’m walking, man, like I'm
top of the food chain.

I mean, I’m just happy.

I own this street, man.

I got no fear.

And you just see his
hands come into view,

and instead of me being like,
"Arrrgh!"

I don’t even look
at where the danger was.

I--I threw my wrists
like I--

like, like I had a tiny towel
I was trying to get sand off.

I was like...

I literally--you see him go,
"Uhh!"

And I went,
"Huurrrrr!"

[shrieking]

I threw my ass this way.
I stayed here.

That’s what I did.
I was like, here you go.

And here’s a handle that you
can swing me around with.

Like, the only animal that
does that is a porcupine.

What a bunch of--you know.

That’s my spirit animal,
a porcupine.

Fuckin’...

so bad.

I get it from my mother.

My mother--my mother--

my mother--
it’s directly from my mother.

My mother’s afraid
of everything.

My mother could find death
in a scarf.

In a scarf.

I’d go out with a scarf.
She’s like,

"Don’t wear a scarf."
I was like, "It’s freezing."

"I know, but escalators--

if it gets caught,
your head will come off."

I’m 11 years old.
I don’t want to die by yarn.

Why’d you put that in my head?

She’d put things
in my head, man.

Italians are terrified
of an empty stomach.

Terrified. My mom, every time
I’d have an empty--

"Did you eat?
Make sure you eat.

"You don’t eat, you lose
all the feeling in your legs.

"You’ll be a zombie; you could
faint, hit your head, and die.

I know four people."
I believed her!

I thought that’s
what would happen.

Ruined good times
with my buddies.

I thought once you
got empty you’d--

I’d, literally, I'd be like,
"Bro, I got to eat, man."

My friend’s like,
"What are you talking about?"

"I got to eat now!"

They’re like, "Whoa, easy.
You hungry?"

"No, I’m not hungry, but...
[sputtering]

I didn’t bring my helmet!
I could fucking die!"

She would follow me outside.

She would follow me outside
with food.

I’d just eaten.
She’d always pass snacks.

She’d be like, "Take a pear."
I was like, "What?

I don’t want a pear."

"Take a pear in case
you get hungry."

"I’m not taking a pear."
"Just in case."

"I’m going on a date.

I’m not taking a pear
with me, man."

No way am I gonna stop
the date--

"Just hold on for a second.
I just have..."

"I could faint and die, sorry.

Do you have any napkins,
’cause my fingers are..."

Even as an adult, like, I was--

she came to visit me like
two months ago in LA.

And I’m driving to the city,

and she shouts after my car,
she goes, "Lock your doors!"

I was like, "Why?"

"They’re kidnapping adults now."

She went like this, like
apparently there’s a giant

who’s like,
"I’ll take your boy."

[chuckles]

My dad’s the exact opposite.

I always wanted to be like him,

but I just couldn’t
figure it out.

Like, there’s--there's--like,
my father was a Marine.

But then he went on to do other
things in the military.

Like, he just did--like, I
grew up all over the world.

I’ll give you--I was born
in the Philippines.

I lived in Calcutta, Mumbai,

Lebanon, Pakistan,
Lebanon again,

Greece, then Saudi Arabia.

I came to this country
when I was 14.

Yeah. You asked my father
what he did,

he’d tell you he was a banker.

What bank?

One over there.

That--I know a lot of you
have fathers.

My dad beat the shit
out of all your dads.

You don’t understand.

And the masculine energy,
it was--

I think both his
parents were men.

It...

Listen, man, I don’t know
what that guy did.

I still catch him,
75 years old.

That big, gray giant,
I’ll just catch that dude

just looking off
in the distance,

and he’s just making
weird noises.

I don’t know--I don't know
if he’s looking for somebody,

waiting for somebody...

there’s something he clearly
forgot to do, ’cause I--

he’ll just be out there,
just looking out, going...

[growling]

[muttering]

[chuckling]

[gasps] [inhales]

[whispering] I can’t see you,

but I can smell you.

It’s like, Mom, Dad's
threatening the horizon again.

He was different, man.

He was such a different dude.

Like, I--somebody didn’t--
somebody should have told me,

"Look, you’re a cat,
he’s a bear.

"You’re never gonna be a bear.

Just perch on walls,
and he’ll kill."

Whatever, you know.

Like, he was just so--
I remember him, like,

he would snore
and drink black coffee.

And as a kid, I was like,
"I got to start snoring

and drinking black coffee."

Like, I just--
but I was so finicky.

I was a finicky eater.
That dude would eat anything.

He’d eat bones, cactus.
It didn’t matter, man.

I would freak out if my
pancakes were too thick.

I would! I was like,
"I asked for crepes!

"What is this?!

"More egg in the batter,
obviously!

Unless you have a bag
for me to ughhh!"

My dad ate a banana
without peeling it once.

I’m not kidding.

I was 15. I came home.
I was playing baseball.

I didn’t even know
these guys that well.

He’s in the middle
of the kitchen--

just his underwear,
already a disaster--

taking shark bites, shark bites,

out of a tight-skinned Chiquita.

Just...

And I come home,
my buddy John,

who was the tough guy
in our group--

he’d always walk in chest first.

He comes walking in, he, like--
he’s not afraid of anything.

He sees my father, he goes...

"There’s a giant in your kitchen
eating a banana."

I was so embarrassed.
I ran in.

I was like, "Dad,
what are you doing?

What are you doing?"

My father goes,

"I’m in a rush."

Fuckin’, the gorilla's
in a rush.

You got to go outside.

Oh, but this is the point
I’m making.

Wasn’t afraid of anything.
He’s just a different dude.

We got in the car.
We got in the car, man.

And it was just he and I,
and the windows were rolled up,

and there was a hornet--
a hornet--

I’m not talking about
a yellow jacket.

I’m talking about
a hornet, okay?

Hornets: the kind that
live in the ground.

Not even part of the ecosystem.

You know those ones
with the two abdomens

and the fur
and the armor, horns.

You can see their stingers.

They’re not even part
of the ecosystem.

They were put on the Earth
to sting a man for his sins.

You know those--

that’s the only thing
they’re there for.

They don’t have anything to do.

’Cause a honeybee stings you
like, mm.

And you’re like, "Ow."
And it dies.

It’s very sad.

Not so, not so the
hornate.
Not so.

No, no, no, no.
They find the sinner.

They grab you here, bite,

and they hump-sting you
50 times that way.

They empty your sack.
Your face melts.

You can’t have an open casket.

You can Google it;
I don’t give a shit.

Anyway...

so, I’ll never forget this, man.

This is when I get in the car,

and I see the
hornate.

It’s got--
it’s got two abdomens.

And its fur, a hell-red fur,
and, uh, orange.

And the stinger’s a little
thicker than my fingers,

I think.

And, uh, horns.

And I looked at it.
We looked at each other.

Its eyes were as black
as the blackest night.

And I knew--I knew then
it was gonna kill me.

I knew. I understood
that it was my time.

And it began to run toward me.

And I...

I tried to--I forgot--
my hands--

I didn’t know how
to use my hands.

I was... huh!

I couldn’t get my hands to work.

And I tried to get out,
and my father,

with his giant,
non-cell-phone-dialing fingers,

just caught it.

He just went...[cracking].

And broke its bones.

Just...[cracking]
I heard it.

Those things, they die hard.

That thing died like,
"Fuck you!"

You know.

And my dad was going like that
with his fingers,

and I was like--
I was a mess.

I was like...[panting]
"What the fuck."

And my father goes--
and he was doing this.

I go, "That thing sting you?"

My father goes, "I don’t know."

[grunts] "Probably."

It’s like, it's not
a philosophical question.

And this is when you
know the difference.

Like, I was like,
many years later,

I was on a date with this girl.
I liked her.

I remember I cleaned the inside
of my car out.

I was excited.
Like, I know.

Right behind my--like,
I was acting cool,

but just below the surface
of my skin, I was like,

"Ahhhh!" You know.
[giggling]

But cool otherwise.

And we get in the car,
and it’s going well.

She’s laughing at my jokes.

She was an actress, so I was
lying about celebrities I knew.

It was beautiful.

And I’m about to--I'm about
to start the car.

You know those days when
you’re like,

everything is right
in the world.

And I’m about to start the car.

And that same hornet...

was on my dashboard.

And this thing was even bigger.

It had feathers, I think.
I can’t remember.

And it turns, and it looks
at both of us.

And I remember my girl,
my beautiful girl,

she just--
she chipmunked up.

She just went, "Oh, my God,
please help me.

I’m so allergic.
I’m so allergic."

And I was like--[whispering]
"What the fuck," you know.

And I drive like this.

I always drive like this

to show a woman I’m in control.

Here, one hand.

Plus, she can see the belly
of the whale.

It’s a technique.
I give that to you.

I give it to you.
You can take it.

But anyway...

but you got to understand,

this is an emergency situation.

My girl’s in danger.

I was raised by--
my father was a Marine.

My mother was a Sicilian woman
from Brooklyn.

That is a very macho,
old-fashioned culture.

My mother raised me
old-fashioned.

She said, "If you
are with a woman,

"you are responsible
for her safety.

"I don’t care what
the situation.

"I don’t care if it's a bear.

"I don’t care if it's two dudes
with baseball bats.

You are her shield."
And that’s how I am.

That’s what I say to my girl.
I’m always like, "Listen, man.

"If there’s a dangerous
situation,

"you get behind this right cheek
right here.

"You clip on.
Clip onto this belt loop.

"Not with these jeans, ’cause
they’re expensive as shit,

but stay close here."

And I’m moving, mmm.
I use my, mmm.

I use my elbows when I fight.

I don’t use my hands
a lot of times,

’cause I need my hands for
music and lovemaking, so...

mmm, mmm.

I play the harp and stuff.
It doesn’t matter.

Stringed instruments
are my thing.

But that’s how it is, man.

It’s the first thing
I said to my wife.

Like, "You want to be with me?
I’m not like other guys.

"You want to be with me,
you got to be into money,

big dicks, and having
a human shield."

Because...

that’s how it is.

Listen, man.
You guys--you guys clap.

Some girls don’t--
some girls don’t like that.

Some girls don’t want to laugh
and cum that much, whatever.

[grunting]

I’m just telling you
what my culture is.

So I’m in the car,
and it’s this hornet.

And it’s looking at us,
and its--its wings.

She’s like, "Help me!"
I was like, "Run!"

She’s like, "Where?"
And I was like, "I don’t know!"

And it flies up, and I--

this is when you know
who you are.

This is when you know
if you’re a man or boy,

if I’m my father or me,

if I’m a hero or a coward.

These are the moments,
and this thing’s here.

She’s like, "Help me!"

And my father, like this...
[stammering]

She’s like, "What?"
And I fuckin’--

I left her in that car!

I know, but I ran like a man.
I ran hard.

My face--I had a frown.
[growls]

I know. I never saw her again.

It was, uh...I didn’t get laid,
but I didn’t get stung.

So you have to weigh...

Crazy.

My dad wasn’t even
afraid of dogs.

We had to cut through
this field one time.

And this Rottweiler showed up

with a head the size
of a bowling ball, and balls.

I never forgot, it was literally
trying to get at us

through the fence, like--
[barking]

Just foaming at the mouth,
and I was like, "Oh, my God."

I’ll just walk around,
obviously.

I start walking,
and my father goes,

"What are you doing?"

I was like, "Well, I’m gonna
walk around, of course,

"because there’s a black lion
here screaming ’fuck you'

in dog. I’ll go around."

My father goes,
"No. We’ll cut through.

It’s faster."

I was like, "I know, but again,

"we’re not crows, and, um...

"this is what they use
to guard the gates of Hell,

so we’ll just--
we’ll just go around."

And my father,
he couldn’t get it.

I knew he was gonna
fight the dog.

I knew, and I’ve never--
I’ve never been more afraid.

I was like,
"Please don’t fight this dog.

"Please don’t fight this--
they bite so hard.

I’ll do anything.
I’ll carry you, anything."

And my father gets in
that dog’s face, right--

he just bends down right
in the dog’s face,

and he goes like this:

"I’ll give you one chance."

[blowing]

And he blew in that dog’s face.

Whatever his Satanic energy,
I don’t know.

That dog backed up

and sat down sideways.

I don’t know what
that means in dog.

Obviously, it means,
"Ye may pass, O Dark One."

My dad opens the gate.
The dog is right there.

He goes, "Come on."

Man, I stuck to him like
a pilot fish on a shark.

I was touching him.

I was touching him
walking across.

And I was--I was 28 years old.

I know.

It’s just not in my nature.

It’s unbelievable.

He’s a good guy, though.

Like, he cared about the world.

He had no prejudice, my father.
None.

He cared about everybody.

And he would always make--
he would always read us things

about how bad the world was.

He’d ruin your day.

You’d be opening presents
on Christmas.

On Christmas, he’d be
reading some book

like "Bloodlands" or whatever,

and he’d just look at me,
and he’d go,

"You know, in the Ukraine
in the ’30s,

"a period of about five years,
even less,

"about 8 1/2 million people
died of starvation.

"Had to eat each other.

Enjoy your presents."

He was unbelievable
that way, man.

And one day he was reading--
we tell this story a lot.

He’s reading the newspaper,
and it’s brunch--Sunday brunch.

19 people outside, beautiful.

Dogs barking. Sun. Ehh.
Everything.

And he’s reading the newspaper,
and he looks--

he starts giggling.
He’s like...[giggles]

And he goes, "Look at this.
Look at this.

"A grown man--
a grown man in Colorado

"was attacked and killed--

"killed--

by a mountain lion."

Yes.

My father goes, "Pussy."

So I couldn’t let it go.

I was like, "I’m so sorry to
interrupt your Sunday reading.

"Are you under the impression
that a mountain lion,

a mountain lion
couldn’t kill you?"

And my father goes,
"That’s a stupid question."

I was like, "Why is that
a stupid question?"

And he goes, "Because
first of all, a mountain lion

"isn’t a real lion.

"And second of all,
a mountain lion

would never dare to attack me."

And I was like, "Really?

And how do you know that?"

And he goes, "I don’t know that.

It knows that."

Dead serious!

Dead serious, man!

Anyway, I’m never
gonna be like him.

That’s the point I'm making.

I’m just not--
but I’ll tell you something.

This is what’s crazy, man.
This is what’s crazy.

I have kids now, and my son--

my son is exactly
like my father.

Like, he doesn’t have
any of my genes.

None of them.
He looks just like my dad.

Like, it’s not a good thing,
really.

I mean, he’s--
he’s, like, 3 1/2.

You know, he’s just--
his ears, he’s got ears.

We have to cover his ears
with hair.

No, because otherwise,
the sun will never hit his face.

They don’t belong--

he could find his way
with echolocation. [clicking]

He’s got a fully-formed
man nose.

It’s a disaster.

I love him, but when
people see him--

like, a 3 1/2-year-old is
supposed to be like, awww.

They see him, they’re like,
"Ohhh."

You know, he’s...

no, he’s an animal.
Listen to me, man.

That kid’s not--I'm telling you,
I can see the caveman.

I’m like--
he doesn’t listen, too.

I’m like, "Go to bed."
He’s like...[grunting]

But see, this is very important,
because this is my chance.

Like, I’m talking about
giving back

and changing the world.

I have children now.

I got to make sure that I put

good people into the world.

It’s up to me, but this kid
is all caveman.

I’m telling you, man,
I don’t know how to--

he wakes up--
I call him the Destroyer.

He wakes up.
I don’t know what's in his head.

I promise you his to-do list--

he’s like, "Today, I'm gonna
eat three bananas,

"couple bran muffins,
a pound of hard cheese.

"Then I think I’ll take a shit
on or near the bowl, whatever.

"Then I’m gonna watch cartoons
completely naked

"on the cream-colored couch.

"Hope you don’t mind
the zebra pattern.

Yeah!"

He’s such an animal,
and the difference--

my daughter is all girl.

The difference--
it’s so interesting

that I have to now deal--
’cause my daughter is--

at my house, it’s like
the prototypical difference

between men and women.

My house is a microcosm

for what’s right and what's
wrong with the world.

My daughter has her playroom.

She’s just all girl.
She’s got her--

she’s got her, like,
little stuffed animals.

And then she’s got her dollhouse
and her stuffed, like, dolls.

And she’s like, "You guys
are gonna take a nap.

"And I’m gonna feed you guys,
but don’t eat too loudly,

"’cause you'll wake them up.

"And then after
you guys wake up,

"I’ll feed you, but don't
eat too loudly,

"and then you guys can
go to sleep, okay?

"Do you guys in the dollhouse
want some tea?

"Do you guys want tea?

"I can make you tea
with tiny cups.

Would you like tea?"
It’s so cute.

If the world was
like my daughter,

everything would be clean
and well-slept and well-fed.

I don’t think anything
would get done,

but it’d be awesome.

And if the world
was like my son,

we’d all be fuckin' dead.

Because if she leaves the door
to that playroom open,

that little Genghis Khan
son of a bitch...

he comes out just
all chest and ass.

He just looks like the letter S.

Just...

And I can see
he’s just a caveman.

He can’t figure out
what she’s doing.

He can’t just let it stand.

He’s like,
"What the fuck is this?

"You got a city with people
just eating and sleeping

"and drinking tea?

"You think that’s just allowed?

"You didn’t think
to build a wall.

"You didn’t think to have
an army on standby, huh?

"Nobody told you that
right next door

"is naked Godzilla?

Yahhh! Yahhh!"

He just destroys it.

My daughter, she cracks
the ceiling with her screams.

She’s just like, "Why?!"

And I have to explain it.

I’m like, "Honey, that's just
the way the world is.

"The universe--you know,
you guys give--

"you give life,
and men destroy,

"and it’s the yin and the yang.

"If they see it standing,
they can’t help it.

They have to knock it down.
You missed a spot."

And you know...

It’s crazy.

I worry about it, man.

I got to figure out
what to do with him.

I knew he was different
when he was two years old.

Two years old, man.

We were all dancing
in the kitchen.

And he didn’t know
how to dance yet.

We’re like, "Whoo! Yeah!"

And my son was like...
[grunting]

He didn’t know what to do
with his energy.

He’s like, "How do--
how do I do that? [grunts]"

I could see him taking on the--
like, the energy.

He’s like, "Mmmm."

And I was messing with him.
I was clocking him.

I was like,
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

He was like, "I’m warning you."
And I was like, "Yeah!"

And finally, he just couldn’t
take it anymore.

He just bit me. Uhh!

And I was like, "Ahhh!"

And he goes, "Raahhh!"

And I go to scold him,
and my father goes,

"Don’t scold him."
I was like, "Why?"

And he goes, "I feel like that
every single day of my life."

My son jumped into his arms
like a baboon.

They just walked away.
I was like,

"You raise him then!"

I got to do something
about him, man.

I got to make a human being
out of him.

’Cause man, how do you
raise a caveman?

How do I raise my father
in 2015?

It’s not appropriate.

There’s nowhere to burn off
your testosterone, man.

When guys don’t know how
to burn off their testosterone,

it manifests itself
in weird ways.

Like, some dudes, if they just--

they just feel, like,
all this energy.

They can’t bite somebody,
so they’ll just throw

a muffler and a racing fan on
the back of their Honda Accord.

That’s what that's about.

Just so they can rev
their engine like...

[imitating revving engine]

Or dudes who work out too much,

like my buddy who
never wears sleeves.

39 years old, he’s always like,

"I can’t go to coffee
like this."

Just lifts weights.
He teaches CrossFit.

I’ve never seen more muscle
on a guy’s chest and ass.

He just walks around.

He’s got matching dragon tattoos
on his calves,

which he got at 38.

But this is this energy.

This fighter-warrior-hunter
energy.

The other day--I went
to work out with him once.

Ridiculous. He’s fucking showing
me how he climbs a rope.

He’s like, "Check this out."
I was like, "Okay."

"’Cause I can
climb a rope with no legs, bro."

It’s like, okay, man, so you're
a champion at a sport

nobody else is competing in.

This guy, he had me
flipping tires.

Just doing this.

And then I had to do
kettlebells like this.

Then I had to do
snatch and clean.

I’m like, "Why am I doing this?"

And he’s like,
"You use that movement

every single day of your life."

No, I don’t!

I literally was like,
"The only time I’d use

"this movement is if I was
hiking and my face was flushed

"and there was a brook,
and I wanted water on my face.

"I guess maybe I’d do this.

"Maybe.

"Or maybe if there was a baby
trapped under a Smart Car,

"I guess I’d get under it here.

But then I’d have to side-kick
the baby to safety."

Which we didn’t practice.

Guys, if they don’t know
what to do--

I don’t want my son
to turn into that.

My other buddy--
not really a buddy.

I grew up with him, but--
so I have to be nice to him.

But he’s a survivalist.

He wears camo
to the supermarket.

He’s one of those people
that just says things.

I want to grab my own face,
I hate him so much.

Camo. He never did a day
in the military.

I was like,
"What are you doing?"

He’s like, "Never know when the
shit’s gonna hit the fan, bro."

"Well, we’re in LA.

"The forest is 30 miles away.

"So do you plan on blending in
with the produce?

What are you doing?"

He asked me if I--
he’s one of those guys

who knows the difference
between trees.

"You think that’s a Ficus, bro?
Japanese maple."

I hate him.

Tells you what to do
in any situation.

Bear attack?
Bear attack? Here.

I’m like, what are you doing?

"Something about your hands,
man. They freak out."

You know what he asked me
the other day?

The last question. I saw him.
He goes like this.

He comes out and he goes,
"You know how to take a shit

in jail, bro?"

[sighs]

I don’t have that app
on my phone.

He’s like, "How do you do it?

You just drop trou
and take a poo, right?"

I was like, "Yeah, I guess so."

"Ehh! Rookie mistake.

"You drop your pants, you take
a hop and a squat,

"they’re coming to shank you,
and they’re gonna shank you.

"Know they’re gonna shank you.
Know that.

What are you gonna do then?"
I was like, "I don’t know."

"You’re gonna run up,
forget your pants

"are around your ankles,
you’ll fall over,

"you get shanked 50 times,

"they’re gonna bury you
with a dirty ass.

Is that what you want?"

How do I take a shit in jail?

"Now you’re asking the right
questions, rookie.

"Now you’re asking
the right questions.

"Drop trou, take one leg out.

"One leg out.
One leg out here.

"Don’t sit. Hover.
Bacteria. Hover.

"Eyes straight ahead.

"Wait for it.
Practice this at home.

"You sink to the level
of your training.

"Eyes straight ahead.

"When the guy comes in,
wait for it.

"They got their knife.
They’re gonna shank you.

"Get close enough,
See the whites of his eyes.

Take a shit, throw it
in his face! Bang!"

[sighs]

He works at The Gap, by the way.

I just don’t want my son
to be that guy.

You got to figure out where
to place this energy.

That’s, like, that's
so important to me

that I put a human being--

I just can’t understand guys
who walk out on their kids.

Those guys--I hate those guys

more than Eastern European
sex traffickers.

Fuckin’ dummies.
Part of the problem.

’Cause that kid is--
he’s musical, I think.

So I got to get him to play
an instrument.

It’s got to be an instrument
that gets him laid, though.

’Cause if he doesn't get laid,
he’s gonna be big.

Angry. A disaster.
You know what I mean, though?

My job as a father is,
he’s got to play the piano,

drums, guitar, that’s all.

Just no flute.
You’re not playing the flute.

I don’t care.
You’re not getting laid.

It’s just--I don't care
how much the flute--

I’ll break it, slap your face.

It’s for his own good.
Nobody’s getting laid.

The face you got
to make alone...

Nobody wants to have sex
to that music.

You want to tiptoe
through a forest.

You don’t want to have sex.

Some instruments, I don’t
understand, like the tuba.

It’s a beautiful instrument,
I guess.

I guess you need it, although
I’ve never been to a concert

and been like,
"This is a beautiful concert.

Could’ve used more tuba,
actually."

I bet you the best tuba player
in the world doesn’t get laid.

I bet you they--
what are you gonna do?

"Come up to my room; I’ll play
you a solo on my tuba."

[honking]

Sorry about the geese
hitting the window.

[honking]

You got to be in
a marching band.

Good luck getting laid
in a marching band.

I’m not going to football games
while my son is like...

[honking]

Right behind this guy.

Those clangy things.

No.

I got to figure it out.

My daughter’s a whole different
situation, man.

My daughter’s interesting,
because my daughter--

my daughter is watching
every move I make.

That’s, like--she's imprinting
her idea of what a man is.

She’s gonna choose the man
that she’s with

based on the example I set,

which means I got to teach--
treat her mother right.

Can’t raise my voice.

Fuckin’... [muttering]

Just, you know...
[muttering]

Don’t talk to me that way,
’cause I'll take your leg...

[muttering]

You’re lucky I have kids,
’cause otherwise...[muttering]

Jesus Christ, man.

I just--I don’t want my daughter
dating a guy like me.

Not the real me,
you know what I mean?

Which is a terrible thing
to say.

I’m a dirtbag.
I got to figure out--

you know, I want her dating
somebody with low blood sugar,

who owns cats and sips tea.

I’ll pay the bills.
I just want him...

’cause I--she--I can already
see, she looks like my wife.

She’s already got that--
the symmetry and stuff.

It’s gonna be a disaster.
She got none of my genes.

Long legs and the--even boys
already are like...[grunting]

I can see the wolves
on the hilltop.

They’re small,
but I can see ’em.

They’re just...[howling].

But I don’t--I'm not--
I got to protect her, man.

My father had it so easy.

My sister would
bring dudes home.

And they’d look at my father
and be like,

"It’s not gonna work out."

You got to get into
a young wolf’s brain.

I got--I know how to scare
a young wolf, man.

You got to use your mind.

You show up at my door,
I don’t like what I see,

you got your Jiu-Jitsu ears,
your tattoos,

your big black truck--

you want to bang my daughter
in the back of your truck?

Because I know--[sniffing]
I can smell a wolf.

I know a wolf.

I promise you I will
get in your head.

I will answer the door dressed--

I’ll be--I'll dress up like
a clown, completely naked.

I don’t give a shit.

I’ll be polite, but it's freaky.

You just walk up...

Hi! I’m Daddy. I forgot.

I’ll get her. Ha!

Nobody’s fucking with
the naked clown guy’s daughter.

Either that--if he’s not
afraid of naked clowns,

I swear to God, I’ll sacrifice
a goat on the front lawn.

I’ll be dressed like
a high priest,

and I’ll just be like--
that’ll get your attention.

If you walk in,
I’m just going...

[chanting gibberish]

[bleats]

[chanting]

[singing gibberish]

Welcome!

I always sacrifice
a goat to the gods

that they may quell
the fury in my breast

when someone comes
to pick up my princess.

I know you will treat
my daughter right, boy.

For if you do not,

I will replace this goat blood

with your blood.

[chanting]

I know, it’s a pain in the ass.

You got to get a permit
for the goat.

I don’t give a shit.
I’ll do it anyway.

Here’s a lesson I learned, man.

Here’s a lesson I learned,
having kids.

My daughter taught me
an amazing lesson.

I never thought I’d say this.

You talk about, you know,
being a real man.

You talk about making
the world a better place.

Talk about being lucky.

Born on third base, God told me
to run home.

Well, this is how you do it.
This is how--

this is--this is the greatest
lesson I ever had.

I went to a party.
She was young.

She was dolled up.

I spent a lot of time
with my outfit,

’cause my agent was like,
"You got to start schmoozing."

You know,
I was like, "All right."

So we go to this party.

There’s, like, celebrities.
I was like,

"I know a couple
of those celebrities."

"Like, hi, hi,
but I’m gonna go talk to them.

’Cause I'm gonna get a part."

I don’t know what I was doing.

She’s there,
and then she goes to play.

And these girls--she goes
to play with these little girls.

And the little girl was like,
"We don’t wanna play with you."

And she comes running back.
The girl’s mean.

She has a little tiara.
I was like, "Whoa."

She goes, "I don’t--they don't
want to play with me."

I was like, "Oh, well,
find another group,

’cause I got to go, you know..."

She’s like, "No, I don't
want to. I want to go home."

Said, "we can’t go home."
She goes, "Well, then,

I want to play donkey."

And I was like,
"We’re not playing donkey.

I’m not playing..."
Donkey’s a game we would play

where she’d get on my back,

and I’d be like,
"Ee-haw. Ee-haw."

Like I--yeah, she has
to get on my back.

I’m like this, and I'm like,
"Ee-haw. Ee-haw."

And I buck her off,
and if she falls off,

I trample her with my--
I tickle her.

It’s adorable here.

But I’m not doing that
at a party.

I bought new pants.
I have a--I look awesome.

So...

but then I realized,
as I’m telling her

I can’t play donkey,

I realized that if
I’m the kind of guy

that can’t play donkey
with my daughter

’cause I want to look
cool in Hollywood,

I’m not the kind of guy I like.

Right? So I was like--

right, so that’s what
your daughter--

first lesson, first lesson.

So I’m like, "All right,
we’ll play donkey.

"But you got five minutes.

"Play donkey out here.
Back room here.

"And there’s a wood floor.
It’s gonna hurt my knees,

"We’re gonna do it, five
minutes, then you go play.

That’s the deal.
We’ll make a deal. Fine."

Go back to the room.
So I’m like, ridiculous.

So I get in, and I’m
on my hands and knees.

And she--and by the way,
don’t feel bad for her.

The minute she gets on me,
she’s a Donkey Nazi.

She’s like, "Let's go,
you fuckin’ donkey! Hahhh!"

And I’m like, "Ee-haw.
Ee-haw. Ee-haw."

And I have to keep going
"Ee-haw,"

’cause otherwise I'm a lion.

It’s a disaster.

So I’m like, "Ee-haw,"
and some A-hole’s like,

"That’s actually
a good donkey, bro."

I was like, you know--

I had a hoof, I had a hoof,

but he knew what I was doing.

And I’m like, "Ee-haw, ee-haw."

And so I’m--
and she’s making me--

she’s got a weird imagination.

She’s like, she's like,
"Eat that tree!"

I’m like, "Honey, donkeys
don’t eat trees."

She’s like, "Eat it!"
I’m like, "Nom, nom, nom."

She’s like, "You're eating
the bark.

You have to eat the leaves."

I’m like, "Are you
fucking kidding me?"

Like, the difference between
here and here

is everything to
a five-year-old.

Nom, nom, nom.

And I’m like, "Ee-haw."
And my knees are hurting.

I’m like,
"I’m done with this, man."

I’m counting the minutes.

I got 30 seconds,
I’m gonna kick her off.

And just as I’m about to be
like, "You got to get off,"

that little girl with the tiara

who kicked her out
of the play group comes around

and she just comes over
and she goes,

"Make your donkey eat poo."

And my daughter, from my back--
from my back--

just turned and she went,

"That’s fucking genius!
Eat shit, donkey!"

I was like, "Ee-haw! Ee-haw!
Nom, nom, nom."

I swear to God, in five seconds,
there were 30 kids

pushing each other
out of the way

to ride the shit donkey.

Everybody.
It was unbelievable.

And my daughter was like
a barker from Disneyland.

She was the most popular girl
at the ball.

She--all of sudden, she’s like,

"Let’s go. Three-minute rides.

"I talk to the donkey.
I steer the donkey.

"You get behind me.

"Keep your arms and legs behind.

"You get to the back
of the line.

"I do not like your dress.
I do like your dress.

You get to the front
of the line here."

I carried those kids around
for two hours.

I have nerve damage
still in my knee.

I couldn’t kick her off, man.

I was like--I was--"Ee-haw."

My daughter was the baddest
chick at that ball.

And that’s what I learned, man.

You want to make the world
a better place,

yeah, you can be
El Gato,

you can be a guy like my dad,

but for me, I learned
that I can also

make the world a better place

by pretending to be
a shit-eating donkey.

I love you guys.

[cheers and applause]