Bryan Callen: Man Class (2012) - full transcript

In his first one-hour comedy special Bryan Callen gives his unique take on how to be a real man in modern society.

BRYAN CALLEN: Got lines in my
face.

I don't... I should have gotten
my hair cut or something.

That's... that's... I'm losing
my hair in the weirdest way.

And this... I don't know if this
shirt works, 'cause this is all

wrinkly here.

I don't even know if this makes
me skinny or what.

I just feel as though I could
have used another week.

You done?

Your life is a lie.

Do you understand me?

I don't really like the way
you're putting that.



I just feel as though I'm, um...

Your boobies getting all full
and stuff?

Huh, your boobies aching?

Huh?

You disgust me.

But I've got to go teach a man
class, now.

Okay?

Maybe get a couple girls
pregnant in the process.

Confuse a couple guys about
their sexuality.

And most importantly, bring some
comedy heat.

I'll see you later.

I can't listen to this anymore.

Don't fail.

Maybe I was too hard on him.



(thunder rumbles)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and

gentlemen, Bryan Callen.

(audience cheering, applauding)
CALLEN: Yes, I say yes!

Gets me excited!

Look at my fingers.

I didn't even plan that.

You guys got my fingers all
erect and whatnot.

What's going on?

What a crowd.

Nah, God, congrat, what...

Congratulations on that
moustache, my friend.

That's an aggressive moustache.

And there's another one, we
don't play around.

And you've got that...

You got... it's not even hair,
it's a fucking mane.

It's a mane, man!

And curly.

It's wavy.

It looks like a ski slope, only
black.

Looks like you're wearing a
couple crow wings or something.

Perfect for framing your
moustache.

Looks like a squirrel tail or
something.

I had a whole act, and I come
out and I see that.

What to do with that?

It's amazing.

Dude, listen, let me explain
something.

First of all, you don't always
have to wear it like that.

Maybe just sit in your eyes.

Let it sit in your eyes, and eat
a peach.

You ever just eat tropical
fruits?

You're standing in the doorway,
and you just...

Let the juice drip down and
catch in your moustache?

Oh, butterflies!

They land on your moustache!

They love peach!

Mm!

And butterflies.

Then you breathe in and they're
like this, and you breathe out

and they're like...

I'll do my whole act on his
facial hair.

(audience applauding)
You just got to...

A man's got to know how to use
his feathers, man.

We don't have any help from an
industry.

Got to know how to use your
body, man.

On a scale from one to ten, I'm
a five.

Solid, okay?

Like, as a comic, they always
give you a stool.

You go to a bar, they give you
a stool.

Teach you a couple things, okay?

I don't sit on stools.

All right?

That's how you kill yourself
before you get out of the gate.

Okay?

You walk in, wore your new
outfit, you're like, all right,

ladies.

Nice.

I'm a grown man.

My feet don't reach the ground.

Look at this.

That doesn't make a girl want to
breed with you.

What do you do?

I never know, what are you going
to do?

A little swim kick, does that
turn you on? When I do that?

Huh, you like that?

Or should I tuck my feet?

Now I tuck.

Most of the time we tuck.

We're not even sitting,
I'm perching.

Like a birdie or a kitty-cat.

Okay? Grown men don't perch.

I'll show you how you turn heads
when you're a regular guy.

Okay?

Scale of one to ten, I'm a five.

Solid, okay?

So I walk in and I gotta get
their attention right away.

What do I do?

I don't know.

I don't even walk in.

I just start popping my legs.

Yeah, yeah.

It's weird.

She's like, why is that guy
walking like a male chicken?

Don't worry about it, honey,
you're looking at me.

That's the point.

All right?

Get to the stool.

Moment of truth.

She expects a kitty-cat,
maybe a birdie.

What's the kid do?

Huh?

I'm a five.

Now I'm a seven.

Aren't I?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Look at how flexible my upper
groin is.

My God, why is he caressing his
own thigh?

Because it's a free country,
that's why.

Look at that.

Right there is the dirty
undergrab goatee.

You know what I'm talking about?

Call that the DUG.

These jeans are a little tight,
I'm not going to lie to you.

I wore them for the special.

You guys want to see eight?

Huh?

(cheering)
I don't care. I don't care.

I give. I'm a giver.

You got your seat belt on?

You ready for eight?

Look at that shit right there.

Look at that.

Do not try this at home,
you will tear your sack.

You understand me?

Take my workshop before you try
that.

That's an advanced move.

I'd show you a nine, but I'm not
wearing the right pants.

You want to see nine,
I've got to be wearing my 1970's

running shorts.

Yeah, I said it. I said it.

Everybody's shorts come down to
here.

Horse poo.

I say, bring them high, bring
them tight.

I'll go a size too small.

What do you think about that,
OC?

Huh?

Yeah.

Tell you what's good about that.

You walking, riding high, you
throw a leg up, what happens?

Listen, women can show off a
little cleavage, I can't show

off a little...

(clicks tongue)
You know what I'm saying?

Don't show the whole thing.

I'm not trying to be vulgar,
just a little bit.

Just the nubs, because women
like subtlety.

They'll look, too.

They will look.

They'll be like,
"Oh, my, is that what I...?

Is that what I think?

Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey, hey."

Easy, looky-loos!

Man...

Moustache, don't show the whole
thing.

A lot of my students go
overboard, trying to be extra

sexy.

You show the whole thing, it
just ends up looking like

somebody threw a dead baby bird
against your leg.

Okay?

It's a disgusting metaphor,
but I'm educated.

I use metaphors.

I've got to get this stool out
of here.

I, uh, is my assistant back
there?

Get my assistant.

I don't do my own stuff.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, look at that.

That's... yeah. That's...

That's Jeremy Piven.
That's Jeremy.

He delints me.

He delints me.

Delint.

He's delinting me.

He delints me.

Thanks.

Thank you.

He's telling me I'm doing an
amazing job.

Thank you.

PIVEN: The Prius is fired up
ready to go.

Whenever you're done.

CALLEN: Yeah, I'll be done in
about an hour, though.

Thank you so much.

(cheering)
Right there.

Now, what's...

what's the lesson?
What's the point of that?

To show you I've got A-list
celebrity friends?

That I make a ton of money?

That cost me 20 grand.

Don't worry about it, all right?

It's not the point.

The point is, if you can afford
to have an assistant like that,

a famous assistant...

gets you laid.

Not a waver, by the way, either.

I don't do this.

I don't know who invented this.

This is not...

This is... there's nothing
masculine about that.

Don't ever do that.

You go to a bar, like hi.

I got caught in a double wave
one time.

They were like, oh, my God, hi.
Oh, my God.

What is that?

No.

No.

Girl says hi to me in a bar,
bang, I point.

Look at that.

See that?

Isn't that more masculine?

Yeah.

No, how you doing?

I throw it right back at them.

Watch me get out of it.

Ready?

Yeah.

Just a little trick.

I holstered my point.

Never seen that.

I can point to this whole room
if I want.

I'm not going to show off.

I'm not doing that just to,
you know...

I've already showed you what I
got going on over here.

I can get you all.

In fact, if there's a group
that's a problem.

A lot of times there's a group
of women, or you know, a group

of people, and you point like
that, you create confusion.

Because they're like, you know,
is he pointing at me or what?

So you got to have other
techniques.

(clears throat)
You want to see my technique?

What? I'm not baiting you.

I'm not baiting you.

I'm just saying.

I just want to say, people like,
that's impossible.

How you going to point to
everybody?

I don't know, how about like
that?

Look at that.

Yeah.

Five finger underpoint.

Look at my knee.

All right?

Yeah, I'm getting everybody.

And you guys with my thumb.

Just 'cause.

Yeah, it's awesome.

All right?

You know why that's awesome?

Because you hit a bunch of women
like that, you're like,

what's up, ladies?

They're like, oh, my God, he
points like a wizard.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I know.

And by the way, if you're a
nerd, don't come up to me after

the show, like, excuse me, um,
wizards point like...

I've had that a couple times,
where like, wizards... you were

pointing... they actually
point...

I know how a wizard points.

I don't want to get into a
conversation about wizardry with

you.

Okay, nerd?

How about that?

I'm an adult.

It's a bad habit anyway.

Never do the authentic wizard
point, ever.

That's a mess.

Always, please, underpoint.

Always underpoint, never
overpoint.

Always under, never over.

Always...

I can't say it enough.

Why?

You get in the habit of this all
the time?

You're like, hey, hey, what's
up, man?

Aha, I'm a wizard, that's fine.

The problem is, sometimes you've
got people in the upper rows,

balconies, second story, and
they're like, hey, how are you?

You can't be like, what's up,
how are you guys?

Yeah.

Now I'm a Nazi bastard.

You see that?

You see how you go from sexy
wizard to huge A-hole with the

swivel of your wrist?

Yeah.

And this is a beautiful thing
about life, the way you use your

body sends off all the right or
the wrong signals.

You get caught in the white
power salute, I'll show you how

easy it is to get out of.

You get excited, you're like,
hey, what's up?

They're like, oh, my God, he's a
Nazi.

All you got to do is bring your
fingers in.

Now we got black power,
motherfucker.

You see that?

I'm so inclusive.

It's tough being a regular
straight guy, too.

In this society, we live in a
very puritanical, homophobic

society.

You just can't do certain
things.

You can't be too expressive with
your body.

You can't, you can't, you just
can't...

You know?

You can't...

You can't announce yourself.

You can't... ♪ I'm here.
You can't do that.

You can't walk in.

I've always wanted to, you know,
just...

You can't frolic through wheat.

That's oh, I've...

No matter how, like, stressful
my day I can never just run

through wheat.

And just forget my sorrows, you
know what I mean?

Never!

Women never go, oh my God that's
so hot, he's frolicking.

They never, not once, in the
history of man.

You can't run through that same
wheat field like this.

You can't drag a hand over
the wheat, either.

You can't do that.

I never...

There's no manual for it,
I just know that's not allowed.

It's about sending a different
signal, that's all.

You know?

It's funny too, when guys...

I noticed, I was at a game the
other day, and guys cheer like

this.

Like they, they've got to,
you know.

If you're like, Yeah!

If you're cheering your team on,
or you're at a concert, or what.

Yeah!

We're number one!

It's this.

See how I've got the little bend
here?

This area gets a lot of oxygen.

And I'm here, right here, right?

That's how guys... Yeah!

(whoops)
Number one!

You'll never see your buddy,
like...

(whoops)
We're number one!

You can't lock the knees and the
elbow at the same time.

You can't do that.

It's funny.

Straight guys will never lock
their knees, and...

You never lock the joints.

I'll tell you a story.

I thought about that because my
buddy...

I don't like making fun of
anybody for being gay, or I just

never thought it was funny
because I got, you know.

My buddy's...

I have a friend who's a drag
queen.

And he's... I grew up with him.

Very gay.

Uh, like, really, like feathers,
the whole thing.

He's literally, like, you know,
the kind of guy who's like, when

I'm with him, I've had other gay
men come up and go, uh, your

friend's a little hmmm,
you know? And, uh, yeah.

So, uh...

So this guy brought out a snake.

And I don't like snakes.

Okay?

So, I, I was with my other
friends and my buddy, Jay.

And I assumed the standard
I don't like snakes stance.

The standard straight guy
I don't like snakes stance.

Which is a little here.

You see?

Look, again, a bend in the
knees, here.

I'm low here, and I-I'm ready,
I'm ready in case I've got to

punch the snake in the fangs.

Right?

And that-that's how, if you ever
look at, like regular, straight

guys, they-they always...

There's always a little hunch to
the shoulders.

There's always a little...

I think it goes back to hunting.

I think it goes back to cave man
days, where, you know, when

you're hunting deer, you got to
stay...

you've got to have a little give
because you're under...

You're staying under the
foliage, here.

You can't...

If you have good posture,
they see your head.

You know what I mean?

You're spooking the deer with
your posture.

So you've got to stay under here
like that.

And then you got to push off
here.

It's always, when you spear a
deer, but then again, that

rustling may not be a deer.

It could be a tiger, so you got
to fucking fight it, you know.

But hunting, fighting posture,
which is what men live in,

that's because life is that way.

It's a hunt and a fight.

Which is deep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, but we'll touch on that.

We'll touch on that subject in a
second.

But here's the thing.

So, back to the snake.

Okay, so the guy...

So I-I'm like, keep the snake
away, and all my buddies are

doing a variation on that theme.

Like, I don't want the snake.

And my buddy, my...

Jay, the drag queen, he, I swear
to God, he's looking at the

snake like this:
I was like, Jay, you look like

a penguin under arrest.

That's what I said, because I'm
witty.

You can't do that.

You can't...

You can't defend against a
snake.

You're making yourself a bigger
target.

You can't keep a permanent
snarl, like I don't like that.

You never see me out...

This-the world is too dangerous
to be standing ever like a

penguin or anything like that.

You just can't...

You can't.

It's just... it's too dangerous.

There are too many tigers in
the tall grass, man.

There really are.

Read the newspaper.

You watch the news, you better
be always ready.

I'm always, you never see me out
of this position.

I'm just always looking around
like that.

That's how guys are.

People are too relaxed.

I see people...

I look at you...

That's why the only time I'm out
of the hunt-fight posture

is when I'm sleeping.

And that's probably why I don't
sleep very well.

Because you never see me napping
in a public place.

Like in a park.

I don't understand.

That's like a...

And you'll never see me take a
nap on the side of the road.

That's the crazy...

There are too many maniacs.

I'm always looking for maniacs.

The minute you lock your knees,
you become bait, okay?

You stop being a hunter,
and you're bait for the maniacs.

They're out there looking for
locked knees.

Speaking metaphorically again.

They're gonna teach this
one-hour special in

literature class.

But anyway, the point I'm making
is this:

like, like, you got to just,
you know,

like, like I-I but that's,
sleeping is the...

I don't sleep well.

I'm just always ready.

I wake up like
a little kitty-cat, like...

at the littlest sound like that.

My mother told me to take a nap
on the side of the road

one time.

I told her I was falling asleep.

She goes, "Oh, just pull over.

Take a nap on the side
of the road."

Excuse me?

Uh, not a shot.

That's the dumb...

I would, that's the cra...

Are you out...?

Turn myself into maniac bait?

Are you out of your mind?

I'll die in my sleep
at the wheel.

I'd way rather die in...

I fall asleep, die in a crash.

Die in a fiery place.

I'll take that shit
over being well-rested,

waking up on the side of the
road tied to my car seat

while some maniac is stabbing
my face in.

Rise and shine!

No way.

No way.

I'm not dying like that.

No way.

It's a...

It's like, it's like the same
thing when people, like,

stop their car and
they wave you across like that.

I see people lollygagging.

Like, dee-dee,
thank you very much.

I don't know about that.

Somebody stops their car
like that,

why's this guy stopping?

That's weird.

Grown man stopping his car
like that?

I'm always ready, man. Always.

Always, always.

'Cause you know there's always
that maniac.

This is a true story.

There was nun behind a wheel.

This is a bad story about me,
but the nun waved us across,

with my buddy.

My buddy goes, "Let's go."

I go, "I don't know."

He goes, "It's a nun."

I go, "Or it's a maniac dressed
like a nun?"

It's a perfect maniac
costume, okay?

All maniacs have a nun costume.

It hangs right next
to the Santa costume, okay?

I don't have data on it,
but that makes sense,

doesn't it?

Yeah. I crossed.

I'm not a freak. I crossed,
but I was waiting.

I just had one eye peeled
like that, just daring that nun.

Aha!

Not this guy, nunny!

You just be careful
of that shit.

And if he's smiling at you...

fuck you.

Smile at me.

That's a dead giveaway
of a maniac.

Smile. Grown men don't smile.

The older you get,
the less you smile.

That's a fact.

You been through too many wars.

How many dads or grandpas
you know who, are like,

walking around like...

Grown men don't even smile
on vacation.

My dad started frowning the
minute we started packing

our bags.

He spent the whole vacation
looking for somebody

to rip him off, like this.

He was right.

You see a grown man
smiling at you randomly

for more than three seconds,
walk away.

He's either a freak
or he's selling you something

you don't need.

I'm telling you.

You've got to just be always...

It's just...

It's why I got to stay in shape.

You can't tell what I got
going on, but believe me,

I take my shirt off,
you guys would fucking flip.

No, no, no, no, that's not,
that's not why.

I can't anyway.

I'm wearing a leotard.

But, um, it's nothing weird.

Just after the show,
there's this wealthy older

gentlemen I do some
private dancing for.

I don't want to talk about.

It's not a big deal.

He wants me to throw on
a blonde wig and scrub his

floor while he calls me
"Dutch boy."

It's his 150 bucks.

You know what I'm talking
about, goatee?

You know what I'm talking about.

My rent's paid on time!

Got to keep in shape, man.

You got to just stay, you know,
just keep the belly tight and

the arms heavy.

That's the other thing.

Otherwise, you start
looking soft.

You start looking appetizing.

Guys know that, though.

We have an instinct for that
stuff, guys, you know.

But the problem is, you know,
you got to look like you can

handle yourself with your bare
hands, but we don't do anything

with our bare hands.

You know, that's the thing
about... That's the bummer about

technology.

Technology is moving so fast,
we don't do anything

with our bare hands.

You know, men are still
producing testosterone.

We're still bigger, stronger
and in a lot of ways more

aggressive, but there's,
you know, we're losing habitat.

Unless you're a cage fighter,
or, like, a Marine

or a fireman, the rest of us,
all we have is the gym.

There's nothing else.

There's nowhere else
to burn it off,

but we still, you know.

We still do these crazy P-1-7
whatever, you know.

It's the cra...

Guys'll do shrugging like that.

My buddy was doing this the
other day with weight.

I-I was like, what are you...

what are you doing?

"I'm working my traps,
you idiot.

What's it look like I'm doing?"
Because that's a very

important area.

We sit in the gym,
and we ride, you know, bicycles

that go nowhere and run
on belts just so our cardio is

where it should be in case
the tiger takes us into

the second or third round.

Got to have good cardio.

And-and bench.

Bench is another classic example
of the breeding instincts/

fight-hunt instinct gone wild.

Guys, 'cause you've got
to have a chest.

Guys spend a summer trying to
get 300 pounds off their...

They'll do what ever they got...

(grunting)
You know, they'll shoot

themselves up with testosterone,
with human growth,

it doesn't matter.

The only thing weak on them is
their liver, their kidneys,

and their dick.

It's worth it. It's worth it,
if they can get 300 pounds

because, you know, you always
use this in the wild,

in case somebody throws a car
engine on your chest.

Right? Right?

And then you've got some guy,
you don't even know teabagging

you the whole time.

It's like a...

It's worth it!

I can't do it.

I can't go to the gym.

I can't. I can't.

I just feel too artificial.

I can't.

My buddy was doing this the
other day.

He was kicking like that
in front of a TV with one of

these exercise programs.

Like that.

I-I was, like,
"What are you doing?

"He goes, Nah, this gets
your ass.

I'm bubbling my ass.

It gets the ass.

It really gets the bubble."

I had to punch him in the face
on principle, okay?

It's not how a man
gets his body.

A man gets his body
by doing man stuff.

That's way sexier, I think,
to a woman, if you just, you

know, you do, you work the land.

You know, you split wood,
you bail hay, you take

your girl from behind.

Whatever it is, you know?

Gets you in shape.

So much better.

So much better, man.

That's, you know...

Women are taking Viagra now
because we're...

because men don't,
can't do man stuff.

You got in shape in
the old days.

You had to work the land.

Fuckin', you had to bale hay.

I don't even know how to...

I don't know if that's
how you do it,

but that's how I...

And you got to split wood.

You're splitting wood.

You're popping your hips
like that.

Yeah, yeah!

Dude, you should.

Then you'll...

Your hair, like this.

You should always split wood.

Eh!

Oh, oh, it's awesome.

Then you just sit back and...

You're just maybe wearing a pair
of baggy pants tied off

with a rope.

Maybe no pants.

Maybe just rope, I don't know.

Take a peach break.

Mm-hmm.

Come home, and you smell like
she's baking you a pie.

You come home and she's baking
you a pie.

And you smell like wood
and hay and peach.

That's a great smell.

Beats the hell out of smelling
like protein powder

and baby oil.

Right? Everything is simulated.

Everything.

Just feel that way.

I just want to...

Just, I miss the old days.

We've got to get back
to that stuff.

Technology has a downside
is all I'm trying to say.

We used to catch our own food.

Come on, man. That's so sexy.

You catch your own food?

Come on.

What a way to tell
a woman you love her.

You just go out there,
and you're, like, "I'll be right

back, baby."

You know what I mean?

"I want a hamburger."

"Take you to Mickey D's,
and maybe I'll just catch

you a cow, honey."

Throw a big, old, angry stallion
between your legs.

"I'll be right back, baby.

Hyah!"
You're just fucking riding him.

Look at that.

That's my technique.

It's not even good.

I don't care.

No hands. Look at that.

No hands! No hands!

By the way, horses...

My buddy, you know,
that's the other thing.

Horses are...

My buddy bought a 400-
horsepower $200,000 Porsche,

or whatever.

Like this really expensive,
I don't know what it was.

And he opens the hood.

I don't know much about cars.

And he goes...

And I was, like, I don't know.

I was, like, "Oh."

And he didn't like that
reaction, so he went...

I didn't know what I was...

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

What does he want from me?

I don't know anything.

And then he's revving
the engine like...

(mimics engine revving)
I'm like, "Oh, my...

He's, like, "Yeah!

236 miles an hour!

Tell me that sound doesn't give
you a boner, bro."

(mimics revving)
I was, like, "That's

incredible. 236 miles an hour.

Dude, if there was no traffic
or speed limits,

you would kill everybody."

I'm telling you.

You might have...

Come on, man.

You got a horse.

I'll get right up on a horse.

What a way...

Women, I don't give a shit,
you ride up on your 400-

horsepower car,
I ride up in a one-power

horse; sexier.

Sexier.

That's what you did.

Back in the day,
that's what you did!

You just rode.

You know, if you wanted to meet
a woman, it was just...

You didn't have to fucking meet
her, you just rode by just...

Hey, mine! You know?

It's illegal, but it's romantic.

People'd be, like,
"How'd you guys,

how'd you guys meet?"
"Meet? I fucking stole

her, bro."

Oh, Jesus.

So many things you can do
on a horse, man.

A lot of things I want
to do before...

Like, I've always wanted to
rescue a group of women

on a horse.

You know what I mean?

They're just in the wilderness,
covered in leaves

'cause they lost their clothing
in the accident.

Maybe they're surrounded
by wolves?

Fucking wolves! (howls)
"Oh, my God, I'm so cold.

We're going to die. The wolves."

But guess what?

The wolf whisperer comes
riding up with that hair

and that moustache.

I don't even need the tail
on my horse.

I just snip it
'cause I don't want to compete.

Yeah.

I look like a centaur.

All I'm wearing is that rope,
remember?

And I just feel the backbone
on my taint.

It's too much information.

It's just my private fantasy.

(grunting)
I just ride up, and they're,

like, "Thank God.

Thank you, wolf whisperer.

What about the wolves?"
I just look at the wolves.

I'm, like, (growling). Yeah.

Which means, "Get the fuck out
of here, wolves!"

Or because we're shooting
a special,

"It's get the F out of here,
wolves!"

That's me trotting them
to safety.

Then we got to make, we got
to make camp,

and I got to feed them,
and I'm-I got my peach

hip basket.

I give them peaches.

How hot would that be,
as they're eating peaches,

and I'm splitting wood
to make a fire?

But we don't have any matches.

Uh-oh.

Guess I better rub two sticks
together.

Yeah, a lot of guys you see,
like these
Survivor
guys,

they're all crunched over
like a little monkey

doing this really fast.

That's not how the wolf
whisperer does it;

slow, deliberate.

Can you... can you really start
a fire like that?

(makes roaring flame sound)
I believe every man chooses to

be a coward or a hero.

Someday, this is my
number one.

I think most men will identify
with this,

and I think most women will find
it romantic.

But I've always wanted to
rescue, like, a sleepy town,

like a sleepy little country
town from a Nazi biker gang,

you know?

I've always wanted to do that.

Like, in the movies, though,
a lot of times, you know,

they're beating up, they're,
like, playing rag dolls with

the girls and beating up
the guys and drinking whiskey

and whatever, and they're
wearing bandaleros.

That's Spanish for "bandaleros."

And, uh, and, uh, you know,
the guy comes in, and he's,

like, "Hey, you guys,
I think the lady doesn't want

to dance with you anymore.

You mind if I cut in?"
Or whatever.

They use some bullshit
dance metaphor, and then they...

They do all their kung-fu,
and then they...

Okay, these movies, like, in
the '70s, but you know

what I mean.

Let me show you how you do it.

You've got to fight a biker
gang, okay, this is what you do,

all right?

This is how you do it.

You got to...

If you got fight a whole group
of dudes, like a badass

biker gang, you don't
just come in like that.

They don't just attack you
one at a time like in

the movies.

They bum rush you, okay?

So you got to get them on
their heels, okay?

And this is what you do.

You send a messenger.

You send somebody out there
first to warn them.

You got to get them spooked,
okay?

Now, I watch these nature shows,
Discovery and stuff.

They had an African
medicine man,

okay, on one of these programs.

Like, a real-life...

He had a bone tank top.

He had a bone tank top,
and, like, a leopard head

on his head.

That was his hat.

That-that's your hat.

He had a head like this.

On his head!

No chin strap, just stayed on.

And he was doing this.

This guy had ebola...

(chanting in foreign language)
And, and the hat wasn't...

The leopard head stayed
on his head.

You know how?

Magic, okay?

And he's, like...

And the guy who had ebola was,
like, "Oh, thank you so much."

You know, he walked away.

Anyway, the point I'm making is
that's who I want.

That's who I send ahead of me
before I come to kick

some ass, okay?

So the biker gang.

They're in this sleepy
country town, and they're

doing all their wrongdoing.

I don't really know how
to mime wrongdoing, but

you know, (makes fart sound)
whatever they're doing, okay?

And they're doing their thing,
and-and I...

And this is what they get
interrupted by.

They don't see me.

They just see my African
medicine man, Itwatdumela,

they just see him, like...

(chanting in foreign language)
(chanting in foreign language)

(makes clicking sounds)
(prolonged shriek)

Yeah.

That'll get your attention.

Okay?

So what happens?

Leader of the wrongdoers doesn't
want to be spooked, so he's

always like, "The hell's that
crazy son of a bitch saying up

there, speaking all that
goddamned gibberish, getting in

the way of my wrongdoing?

Somebody go up there and kick
his ass!"

And they're all like, "Yeah!"
But there's always some grizzled

wrongdoer who speaks fluent
Swahili or whatever, okay?

Because, you know, he's a
mercenary in Africa.

He's always, "Hold on!

Hold on.

That ain't no crazy man.

That's a real-life African
medicine man.

Congo.

Deep forest.

He ain't speaking gibberish."

"What the hell is he saying?"
"He's saying that the gods are

angry, and their wrath rides
near in the form of a slender,

brown-eyed, white man.

"And we should run because he
will come and lay a reckoning on

us so terrible that our screams
for mercy will crack the very

sky above us and bring birds
from the sky and fish to land.

And then he... I imagine this
means we're going to get

smashed, and then-- aah!

I don't know.

Maybe that's the way we're going
to die."

Already awesome, okay?

Yeah.

Now, if you know anything about
African medicine men, you know

that they can disappear just--
poof!-- like that, all right?

And then guess who's standing in
his place.

That's right-- the kid.

That's right.

I'm just hanging out like this.

Just fucking shredded.

You can't, you know... but
fucking...

(makes popping noises)
(imitates braying donkey)

You know, whatever.

I need the stand for this,
all right?

And I don't know why, but I got
two, like, really hot girls

clutching each calf like that.

Yeah, it's my fantasy.

I don't care.

It's not... it's not good for
mobility.

I don't give a shit, all right?

And I'm just standing there...

(exaggerated Latin American
accent): I got two machine guns!

Two machine...

(normal voice): That's Spanish
for "machine guns."

I just got... and I'm just...

I just fucking... I just start
spitting that.

Just...

(imitating rapid gunfire)
That's the machine gun twirl,

all right?

Yeah, I invented that.

But whatever.

Of course, I run out of bullets,
right?

You run out of bullets, here's
the best part.

I just take my guns, and I just
go... and drop them.

Of course, the two girls are
like, "What, are you fucking...

are you out of your...?!

You're such an idiot!

Why didn't you bring
more bullets?

You're such an idiot!

There's so many more of these
Nazi bikers. We're gonna die!"

I don't say shit.

I just reach into my back, and
I pull out two machetes.

Two machetes!

And then I do the machete dance.

Ever seen that?

I'll answer the question.

No, you fucking haven't.

That's the machete helicopter.

Without machetes, it looks
very... (mutters)

With machetes, deadly.

Anyway...

Now, story goes on.

So they're all dead.

Here's the best part of the
fantasy, okay?

It's not even the best part.

This is what every guy wants to
do, okay?

I want to get on my horse.

You forgot about the horse.

This is a horse fantasy.

Yeah, I get on my horse, and
I just ride.

I just ride off into the sunset.

The sun is setting, and I get
to the hill where it all

started, and I want to do this.

I want to just pull my horse
around like that, and I just

want to do one of the...

(neighs)
Where my horse rears up, and

it looks like a little, like,
horsey boxer.

Like...

(grunts)
He's doing that!

Aah!

He keeps it.

He holds it.

'Cause I practiced it.

And then the whole town's like,
"Thank you, hero.

Thank you."

And I'm like, "No problem,
town."

(chuckles)
My God.

I'm out of breath.

Yeah.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah.

The point I'm making is that...

I was talking about killing
cows, wasn't I?

Yeah.

I like to wrangle cattle.

I'm a... I grew up on a range.

And, uh, you guys probably don't
understand that.

You guys are just city slickers.

But I used to wrangle cattle,
and that's a very sexy exercise.

You wrangle cattle, you go out
to your girl, "I'll be right

back, I'm going to catch
you a cow," that's very sexy to

a woman.

That's just old-school 'cause
you got to stampede them.

You stampede them, okay?

And they... all these dogies
are stampeding.

Every time, there's always some
dogie decides he's an individual

and he'll stray from the herd.

He just strays.

And I love that 'cause I'm like,
"What are you, an individual?

Huh?

You're a herd animal, you
idiot."

(grunts)
"Yeah, that's right.

Get back here, cowsy-powsy."

All right?

Pull my horse back.

You pull a cow off its feet,
it's a beautiful sound, man.

Because, usually, a cow is like,
"Moo.

I like grass.

Moo."

You know?

And "moo" doesn't mean anything.

It just means "moo" 'cause
they're idiots, okay?

You pull a cow off its feet
at a dead run, you know what

you hear?

"Moo!"
Yeah, which means "holy fuck"

in cow.

Yeah.

Then you jump off your horse
like that and you tie his

hooves up into what I call
a hoof bouquet.

Yeah, it's my little thing.

Got a bouquet of the hooves.

Guy will buy you a bouquet
of roses, I'll make you a

hoof bouquet.

Here comes the ugly part.

My girl is hungry, and I gots
to kill the cow.

A lot of guys will take a cow to
a slaughterhouse.

Mustache, you know how I kill
my cows?

I punch them in the face till
they fucking die, okay?

Sparta!

(grunting)
It's great exercise 'cause it

takes fucking forever.

It does.

It takes forever to punch
a cow to death 'cause they

got that spongy nose like a
shock absorber.

Like, "Come on!

My girl's hungry!"
Apologize to any vegetarians

out there.

Yeah.

I love animals.

I hate cows.

Had a bad experience with a cow
when I was a boy.

I was on my pa's farm.

I was about seven or eight
years old.

I was milking away, trying to
get some whole milk for my

Rice Krispies.

I think.

A lot of it's a blur.

Maybe I tugged an udder wrong.

I don't know.

I don't speak cow, okay?

Not up on cow politics.

All I know is I'm tugging away,
okay, all happy as a clam,

and the hoofed freak whipped
around and bit me in my face.

Yeah.

Goatee, you ever sustain a cow
bite to your face?

Huh?

You grow up real fast.

You got a 1,700-pound milk
machine latched onto your face

with them flat, grass-stained
teeth.

Thing just shook me.

Just... (grunting)
I was like, "Mommy!"

But Mommy wasn't around, so I
had to go like that to its eye.

That's what you do when an angry
bovine grabs your face.

You come out like the point
and-- gank!-- right in the eye.

'Cause they wear their eyes
on the side of their stupid

cow faces.

Thing let go right quick, too.

Thing was like, "Moo!"
Yeah, which means "my eye"

in cow.

Buy an eye patch.

(mocking chuckle)
Don't bite me in my adorable

face anymore.

That's me picking up my pail
of milk.

I finish every story with
detail.

That's how I walked.

'Cause I was cute.

Point I'm making is we just
pay a lot-- we just pay a price

for technology.

That's what I'm trying to say
in a roundabout way.

Just don't do...

I just have a roundabout way
of going about it.

That's all.

I like to give a lot of
examples.

But everything you do, you know,
just everything... nothing is by

bare hands.

We don't use our hands anymore.

Nothing's tactile anymore.

Nothing.

You don't use your muscle for
anything.

Back in the day, you didn't
have supermarkets.

That pail of milk... (chuckles)
do some sexy things with a

pail of milk.

Do some disgusting things with a
pail of milk.

No, we have the Internet, but
that's not what I'm talking

about here, right?

No, but you... with a... with a
pail of milk, forget it.

You just... you know what you do
with that?

You can make butter.

Yeah, you go up to your girl,
you be like, "I'll be right

back, honey.

I'm going to go make some
butter."

(gasps)
"What?"

Whatever.

Just, that's proper technique.

You got to get your... got to
get your hips in there.

Otherwise, your core gets
too sore.

Love churning butter.

Always feel like a daring
magician after I'm done.

You know what I mean?

What was milk is now butter.

So I like to reward myself.

I'll just give myself a reward.

I'll just knife a hand, reach
in, grab myself a liberal

handful.

I mean a liberal handful.

I give myself a raw butter bath.

(sighing)
Let me tell you something

right now.

You want to spice up your
love... your whole...?

You want to spice up your
love life?

I don't care you've been married
25 years, your girl comes in,

sees you giving yourself a
butter bath, everything

stops, okay?

Every... I don't care how
liberated, how educated.

It's very hard to put that
into context.

That just taps right into
the DNA.

They just walk in, the
purse drops.

They're just like, "What the
fuck are you doing in my

living room?"
"Nothing.

Just giving myself a butter
bath-- that's all.

That ain't illegal, is it?

I mean, you ain't the butter
police, are you?"

Fucking butter police?

Holy shit, I'm getting horny.

If she is the butter police, she
better slap them cuffs on real

tight, 'cause I guarantee my
wrists will be all kinds of

buttery.

Yeah, and I might just slip out
them cuffs.

She's either going to want
pancakes, or she's going to want

to "F" to the "uck."

No butter baths if you're
hairy, please.

That's disgusting.

I got to just say that.

Don't... hey, hey, you know,
guys, he said...

No, that's disgusting.

Shave it; otherwise, flies...

It's gross.

Peach juice-- butterflies.

Butter-- flies.

I... that's my...

I invented that.

That's my poem.

(chuckling)
Fantastic, fanta... fantastic.

Um, I just... look, you know,
everything we do, it's

efficiency and speed and
technology.

It's got its upside, man, but
I just... like, even the way we

communicate.

I think there's a problem.

I don't like the way we do...

Everything we do-- we're even
fighting wars like this.

We're fighting wars with
our thumbs.

That's what's happening.

And maybe it's good that we're
fighting with machines, but

there's something weird where
you got guys in Florida and

Nevada and they're killing bad
guys with their thumbs 5,000

miles away with those drone
aircrafts.

You know, I thought about it,
and I was like, you know, the...

the war hero in 20 years isn't
going to be the grizzled Marine

with the scars and the shaved
head; he's going to be the

chubby dude with huge thumb
muscles who smells like Doritos

and weed.

That's weird to me.

And the way we communicate, we
do the same thing with our

thumbs.

Like, "Hey, you're really hot.

I had a good time."

Send.

"You know, you're really
beautiful.

I like your tits in that dress.

LOL."

You know?

What happened to love letters?

Love letters-- that's... nobody
writes love letters anymore.

That's... that's so romantic.

That's so... you know, you're...

that's how you...

I remember the first love letter
I got from my girlfriend,

Karen Harrison, when I was
14 years old, and-and she wrote

me this letter, and she... she
cried onto the letter on purpose

so that the tears ran the ink.

Yeah, and it smelled like her
perfume.

And I remember just going...

(sniffs) "Oh, that's..."

You know, I was... I was 5,000
miles away, but it was amazing.

You don't get that with this.

And back in the old days, it
was even more romantic 'cause

you had to get a piece of
papyrus or parchment or

whatever the... I don't know.

What the fuck is it called?

Whatever.

Either way, it cost you a...

it was like a... took a month
to save up to buy one piece

of paper.

And then you had to take a
feather, and you dipped it in

squid ink, and you wrote
your... you wrote.

And I don't... I don't even...

anybody know how to get
squid ink?

Anybody?

I have no idea.

What a pain in the ass.

You got to go get a boat, I
guess, and a net, and catch

squid, which I have no idea how
to do, and then be like, "You...

what are you doing?"
"I'm catching squid."

"Ah, calamari."

"No, I got to write a love
letter.

It's fucking, you know..."

Then you got to get the ink out
of the squid, which-- do you

squeeze them?

Maybe you scare them.

Like, "Boo!"
You know, I don't... I'm being

silly, but you know what I mean.

Now you got your thing of ink,
and after all that with the

feather, and you dip it in the
squid ink and you write.

And you had to... and you
wrote poetry.

Poetry's dead.

Poetry-- the reason you wrote
poetry is because that's your

one letter, man.

After all that work, it better
mean something.

It's not just like, "Hey, had
a good time.

You look hot.

Thanks."

Like that, no.

You had to write to the rhythm
of your heartbeat, and you wrote

something that really fucking
mattered because you're

getting laid.

If that girl's going to give you
what she's got...

Back in the day, before
penicillin, STDs were a serious

issue, you understand?

So you're stuck with one girl,
and you wrote that thing,

and then you sealed it.

You just, you did this with it.

You know, whatever.

I don't know.

What is the word for that?

Rolled it? Yeah.

You rolled it, and then you
sealed it with wax, and you tied

it to the leg of a pigeon,
and you fucking sent it off.

My God.

That's incredible.

No e-mail.

I got pigeons.

You just hope a hawk doesn't
take him out of the sky on the

way.

Then your loved one doesn't know
how you feel after all that

work.

Back in the old days,
they were probably anti-hawk.

Anyway.

You know, but that's the thing.

I just feel like, you know,
style, taking your time for

stuff.

That's what makes life worth
living.

Like, what the...

Why can't I wear a cape?

Who decided capes were no longer
in for guys?

Back in the 1800's,
everybody wore capes.

There was a puddle, you took it
off.

There was a stray bull,
you fought it.

Whatever you did, you know what
I mean?

Capes were amazing.

If there was a breeze, they're
like "Oh, I'm cold."

"I don't know what you're
talking about."

You can wrap it.

You can wrap it.

If there was a bee swarm,
you're like, "Bees!

Run! Find water!"
Whatever.

It's so multi-functional, man.

You can just, and you just...

They see you coming a mile away.

You enter a room...

They think it's a dust storm
because... my cape's going to be

crushed velvet, ruby red.

It's going to drag on the ground
and swirl dust.

I'll tell you that much.

I know, it's hard.

Nowadays, you save 50 lives on
national TV, you show up on

Oprah
the next day in a cape,
douche bag.

(laughter)
Cape.

I have a cape, you can just
fucking swoop into.

I have arrived.

When you have a cape,
you can speak this way.

Like you're from England.

And you can court a woman.

You can use poetry.

Poetry's dead, but if you have
an English accent, a cape,

poetry, and a falcon.

Huh. Are you kidding me?

A cape and a falcon?

Even in 2011, you're going right
to the top of the food chain.

I don't give a shit.

I don't care if the president of
the United States walks through

that door, I walk in with a cape
and a falcon, forget it.

"Oh my God, that's Barack Obama.

That's so... What?

Hold on, why is that guy
wearing a cape and a falcon?"

That's what every girl does.

Every girl.

Because I own everything, my
lady.

And you can court a woman with
poetry when you have a cape, a

falcon, English accent and
poetry.

Lady, my lady.

Even the angels themselves
fell back, dumbstruck, awed and

clutching at their aching
hearts, when God pulled you from

his mold.

I cannot look upon you.

Your eyes, your eyes sparkle
with a radiance that would

darken even the sun.

Caw-caw.

I would grant you anything.

You have but to ask.

All I require is that you kiss
me in this area.

I know it's vulgar, but you see.

You see how classy even a
blowjob sounds when you've got a

cape and a falcon?

You get away with anything.

Aw, man.

I want it.

I want it.

You've got to-- it's got to be a
falcon.

Please don't scrimp on the bird.

No, because Americans are
idiots.

Like, "A falcon. How much is
that? Oh, no.

Do you got any skinny chickens,
I can paint his feathers brown?"

That's what we do.

We have sales.

Can you dress up a crow?

Put a hood on a crow?

Is there any way?

No!

Got to be a falcon, all right?

Ridiculous.

Bird makes all the difference.

It does.

I'm sorry, birds are badass.

And falcons, man, they can
protect you.

"Caw-caw" means attack face.

They just fly up and...

Like that.

They do.

They dive bomb your face.

That's where I think the guy
from
Avatar
got the idea.

Like that.

And they hit your...

You can train them like that.

You know, my buddy was a Green
Beret, and he, uh, I told him

that.

I told him I was going to get a
falcon that was going to attack

somebody's face, and he goes,
"That's the dumbest shit

I've ever heard in my life.

Bring your falcon.

Sic your falcon on me, bro.

Please, do that for me.

I want your falcon.

I'll punch him in the beak,
I'll pluck him, and I'll fuck

him, okay?"
Yeah, it's funny to you, but

that's my dream bird.

So, I was like, okay.

So, we went to the supermarket
because we were going to watch

football, and we were getting
all the stuff, and I picked up a

chicken.

Wasn't a big chicken.

I picked up a chicken, and I go,
"Matt," and I go...

I tucked it under my chin, like
this, and I go, "Matt, you're a

Green Beret.

Six foot four, 235 pounds.

Thank you so much for your
service to our country.

I know you're a badass.

You got no respect for a
falcon." This is a chicken.

Not a big chicken.

A little chicken.

There's a little chicken under
my chin. "I want you to be

honest with this question.

We've known each other a long
time. Be honest with this

question, okay?

I want you to tell me, honestly,
keep your eye on this chicken.

I want you to tell me, exactly
how... that feels?"

Yeah.

I shot put it in his face, okay?

He's like, "Aw!"
I'm like, "That's it.

Now dab the blood.

You got tears in your eyes.

I'm not done with the metaphor.

Now do me a favor.

Now, with that chicken, I want
you, in your mind, to add razor

sharp talons, a trailer hitch
for a beak, and 70 more miles an

hour!

That'll leave a couple marks,
Matt!"

Diss my bird.

That's why I believe in
reincarnation.

You could be reborn like a
falcon, you know, which is

awesome, and you know, people
talk about it.

You soar and attack faces and
whatever.

Or you could be a penguin,
which is the most ridiculous.

First of all, you ever try...

Can you imagine a penguin on my
forearm?

You imagine what a dumb animal.

Talk about ruining the whole
look.

You look like an Alaskan
magician, or whatever.

You know what I mean?

Like, first of all, it's a dumb
thing to talk about.

You ever try to balance a
penguin on your forearm?

Anybody? Fucking...

What's going on?

You want to rake somebody's
face, you got to pick him up

and throw him at the guy.

And even then, it's like getting
hit by a long meat pillow with

feet.

Horseshit bird.

Idiots.

It's not even a bird. I mean...

In the middle of the South Pole,
you know how badly that would

suck, just always cold.

Like, this sucks.

"Polar bear! Run!"
Whatever.

The point is, by the way, this
is a little off topic.

But I watch a lot of animal
shows because I like the way

they sort of teach us
about male-female dynamics.

There's a bird out there that
can kick a grown man's ass.

Yeah, very easily.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yes, the ostrich.

The austrache, the African
austrache.

Very good class participation
right there, okay?

You jumped right on it.

Now, a couple things about the
austrache, that you may not

know, okay?

But I got to talk about it,
okay?

They run 55 miles an hour.

Yeah, 5-5, and they can keep
that pace up for a half an hour.

You should all be like this...

Okay?

Don't act like you knew that,
all right?

Let me put that into context for
you.

A racehorse, top of the line
racehorse, runs 45 miles an

hour, okay?

That means you take an
austrache, you drop it in the

middle of the Kentucky Derby,
all right?

Mr. Austrache is like, "Ha-ha.

See you later, horsies!"
It laps the fucking horses, man!

You put your money on the bird.

And it's got two legs.

You didn't think about that
until you came to my

presentation.

Not even why they're my favorite
bird, over the falcone, okay?

Here's what I love about them.

When... They don't take crap
from anybody.

Not even lions.

Lions come down to the watering
hole, everybody else high tails

it out of there because king of
the beasts is in the house.

You know what Mr. Austrache
does?

He draws an imaginary circle
around himself, and he just

hangs out.

He just hangs out, minding his
own business.

Just hangs.

Keeps a couple eyes on him,
you know, just looks at the old

yellow kit-kit-kitty-kitty-kit-
kit-kitties!

Kitty-kit-kit-kitty.

Long as you mind your own
business, kitty cat,

but they never do.

There's always some young, dumb
male who's like, "You know, I

want some... I want some bird."

As soon as that...

It's beautiful.

As soon as that lion just dips,
I mean, dips a paw over that

imaginary circle, Mr. Austrache
is like, "Here's the problem,

kitty cat.

I can run 15 miles an hour
faster than you can,

but I don't fucking feel like
it.

Hi-ya!"
Takes one shot.

By the way, it doesn't have to
be a lion, either.

Could be a Japanese tourist
who didn't listen to the guide.

Happens three times a year.

I'm just telling you.

(imitates Japanese)
"Mr. Ostrich, smile!

Smile, Mr. Ostrich!

Smile!"
"No!"

I'm telling you.

I want one roaming my property.

The rich are buying them now.

They're incredible.

They're incredible watch birds.

They keep everybody off your
property.

They only like you.

Your property is their property.

First of all, they can see over
your wall.

They're just doing this shit,
all day long.

"Any monkey business?

Huh?"
Yeah, and when maniacs and

robbers come to your house,
what animal are they looking

for?

Dogs, yeah.

What are they not looking for?

Yeah.

They're not looking for a 350
pound, kung-fu turkey, are they?

No, they're not.

They don't teach you that in
maniac school, do they?

You're just like, "I'm going to
kill somebody.

No dogs.

Is that a turkey?

What is that?"
"Wrong house!"

Good boy, Nathan.

You're a good boy.

The only time a straight guy
can lock his knees and his elbow

at the same time.

When he's petting his killer
austrache.

For kicking a maniac in the
face.

Good boy!

You're getting chubby.

This is my Christmas card.

People get weird pets.

They do.

You know, ostrich is a good pet.

Austrache is a good pet, dogs.

Don't get chimps, we know that,
right? No chimps.

Bad pet. Bad pet.

It's okay.

Just, we didn't know until the
9-1-1 call.

That's all.

I had to listen to it.

Shouldn't have listened to it.

Had to listen to it.

And I've never been the same
since.

There's before 9-1-1 call,
and after 9-1-1 call.

That's all.

I listened to that thing like
this.

I mean...

Like that. I mean that...

Listen...

Here's the thing I don't...

Do a little research on your
pets, that's all.

Just do a little research.

I don't understand how you
think-- thought processes.

Some people are so dumb.

Like, do a little research,
you know, they eat your face,

your genitals and your hands.

That's what they do.

That's the first place they go.

So, for me, I don't understand
how you go, "Hi, do you have

anything with six or seven times
the upper body strength of a

grown man with a three-year-
old's brain?

Anything like that?

Are they prone to rage?

Yeah?

I'll take one."

That's what scares me about
life.

You know, that's the
unpredictable, man.

For that woman, her tiger was a
chimp.

You know, that was the tiger
in the tall grass.

We're all going down.

We're all going down.

There's a tiger waiting
as soon as you lock your knees,

whatever.

But she took her vitamins,
she got her hair done,

she wore her seat belt that day,
she didn't expect...

Like that, okay?

There's no way to protect
yourself against that, okay?

They are so strong.

They had a female in the Bronx
Zoo, I think it was the Bronx

Zoo.

And it was 140 pounds,
and they strapped it to a chair,

and they gave it food, like, the
more it pulled, the sweeter the

fruit, okay?

So it pulled, with one hand,
uno
mane,
or is it
mano?

What do you say?

Mano.

God, I'm bilingual.

So, you go, with one hand pulled
1,200 pounds.

This thing was a 200-pound
chimp.

So I wonder, I wonder what you
do.

All that bench press you do,
you could bench 600 pounds.

You could have a 600-pound
bench, and this what happens to

you when Mr. Chimpanzee grabs
you.

Just... like that.

That sucks!

That's the worst way to die.

I don't want to die by biting.

I'll die by anything else,
not biting.

Thank you.

I'll take fire, everything,
not biting.

Oh my God.

No, thank you.

That's why I don't swim in the
ocean.

I don't do that. Yeah.

I'm not getting eaten by a
shark.

I don't care.

I don't do it.

No way.

Uh-uh.

I can go in these sneakers
and the water would not go in my

sneakers.

That's how far.

I'm not going in to my ankles
because I might get sucked in

by the undertow.

I don't care.

People want to make fun of me.

My sister's like, "You're such a
baby!

It's very rare.

It's rare.

It's so rare.

It's rare."

"Yeah, okay.

Where you're floating is rare,
and if you see where I'm

standing, that's never.

Never.

(applause)
You live in rare land,

I'll live in never land."

So annoying.

This is the thing as you grow
old, you start to realize

the things you heard as a kid,
like, since I was a little kid,

what do they tell you?

If a shark attacks you,
you punch it in the nose?

You just hit it in the nose.

Like that.

Oh is that what I do?

Oh, oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, thanks.

I feel safe.

What are you talking about?

They eat sea lions like this.

Okay?

It's like a Chevy with fins.

What are you?

Punch it in the nose?

What the?

You know how hard I punch under
water?

What are you talking about?

My... I could take that in my...

You could hit me in the balls
like that, I'd be like this.

And since when do sharks even...

When do you see them to punch
them in the nose?

This is how you get attacked
by a shark.

Like that.

You're swimming like, ah,
the sun...

(yells)
That's just, I'm just telling

you.

Google it if you have to.

They don't come out of the water
like, "I'm coming!"

Stupid.

Dumb.

I'm staying away from animals.

I do not play with anything but
a dog, or a kitty-cat.

Sometimes you got to fight a
man.

I got in a fight.

He was basically, he was
basically, I mean, he was about

the size of my kitchen.

I don't know if you ever fought
your kitchen.

I'm not a tough guy, you know.

You know, as a man, too,
you know, I moved a girl out of

the way.

I just like, I went...

It was crowded and I go,
"Excuse me."

Like that, and I guess it was
the wrong girl because I just

see...

Like that.

And, and he's this giant man.

And you know, as a man,
you always, like, you know,

you learn how to punch, and you
learn how to wrestle, you know.

And you always talk a game,
like yeah, I'd be ready.

This is what I did when he came
at me.

I went like this:
Yeah, that's not a good feeling,

because when you have your
kitchen...

I don't know how to fight my
kitchen.

So, he came at me, but I'm
crafty.

I think.

I'm crafty, I'll keep you busy.

Okay, so here's what I did.

It was amazing.

And you try this.

He came at me with his big bald
head with these ears, and he

came at me, and I don't know
how I thought of it.

I was like this,
and I grabbed his ears.

I just grabbed his ears.

And he... they freak.

Guys don't know what to do.

He was like, "Get the fuck off
my ears!"

Like that.

And I'm like, "I didn't do
anything!"

He's like, "I'll kill you!"
And I'm like that, and I'm

driving his face.

I'm driving it.

Like that.

He's like, "I don't care."

I'm like, "I didn't do."

And I'm holding his face like
that.

And then he clamped on to my
wrists with these banana hands.

Like that.

And I was like, "Oh God!"
And I remembered the chimp.

I remembered, so I just
I just chimp-yanked him.

I just chimp-yanked him.

Like that, and I kissed that
son of a bitch.

I know.

Not to brag, but I'm a really
good kisser.

And, uh, yeah.

Plus, if he hits you then, it's
a hate crime.

But, um...

So anyway, I was kissing him,
like that, and it confuses the

guy.

If you do that, guy's like,
"What the? I thought I was

straight. You're...

What the hell's going on?"
Yeah, whatever they say.

But the rule is, once he starts
relaxing into your mouth, you

you got to pull back, head butt,
knee, all right?

Yeah, that's the straight guy
rule, because then that'll

cancel out the hmm.

You know?

Here's the genius of that move.

You make out with a guy,
then beat his ass, fucks him up

for life.

Screws him up for life.

All right?

It's psychological warfare.

Attack the mind and the lips.

All right?

But, I...

You know, it's funny, because
guys, if there are no girls

around, guy wants to fight me,
I'll run away.

I don't care.

I got no ego.

I don't want to fight with you.

Girl's around, I'm going down
swinging.

That's how it is with guys.

We don't want to look like
cowards in front of you.

That's, guys, just, you know.

They got to, that's why guys
talk a lot.

You know, guys, as long as
there's six people between us.

Yeah, I'll put you in the ICU,
bro.

You're lucky all these guys.

Let me go, let me go.

That's, we got to make a show.

Like hitting our chests.

And, you know, certain parts of
the world, like New York.

New York.

There's nobody who talks more
jive than Italian guys from New

York.

That's-That's an art.

I don't care.

Brooklyn guys.

New York guys.

Italian guys, nobody speaks like
that.

They got to tell you who they
are, where they're from, what

they're going to do to you,
who they know.

It's so beautiful, before the
fight.

They'll be like, "Bro, you want
to fight me?

You know who I am, bro?

You want to fight?

This guy wants to fight me.

Getting his titties all twisted
up, bro, do yourself a favor.

Do yourself... go home,
drink a warm glass of milk,

take a nap, and go to Mass,
all right?

I'll slap you so hard,
I'll kill your dog, all right?

Bang. Your dog died.

Like that."

"Gonna kill my dog.

Going to slap my dog.

You going to slap me, bro?

You going to put a hand on me?

You know who I am?

You're going to put your hand on
me?

You know who I am?

You know how many people I know,
bro?

You put your hand, you look at
me wrong, never mind slap me,

you look at me wrong, bro,
I make two phone calls, bro.

Two phone calls.

You go away in the morning.

Tomorrow, your whole family is
working in a circus, bro.

Your dad's a clown.

He's throwing pies in his own
face.

Your mother's a fat lady.

You know that, right?

You know she gets the job.

No resume.

She walks in, she gets the job.

You know that. Right?

How long's it take your sister
to grow a beard?

About two days?

We throw her up on a stump, we
charge two dollars to look at

her, you hump."

"You talk about my family?

Now you talk about my fam...

You bring my family into this
shit, bro?

Bro, two phone calls?

You know who I am?

You know how many people I...

Two phone calls?

You think you know people, bro?

Listen to me right now.

I make one phone call, bro.

One phone call.

I don't got to make a phone
call.

I text. I just text.

You go away.

Tomorrow, your house, your
domicile's a car wash.

Your mother's washing my car
like this.

Topless, her tits are slapping
around.

I don't tip her."

(laughter)
All right, that's just an

example of the kind of stuff
they talk in New York, and then

they fight, all right?

Here's the message, all right?

Don't do any talking.

Don't do any talking.

You weaken your position, okay?

You don't want to get into a
fight in the first place.

You got to spook the guy.

Okay, it's like the African
medicine man, same thing.

You got to get him on his toes.

You get your friend to do your
talking for you because if

somebody warns you about the guy
you're about to fight-- very

scary.

Don't use a French guy.

Certain guys you don't use, you
know what I mean?

No, because my buddy's French,
and he got in a fight.

It was the most ridiculous
scene.

(speaking in French)
That's it.

It just ends up making the guy
horny.

Yeah, you get dry-humped.

But if you got... if you can
get... if you got a creepy

friend, the creepy friend's
always the best.

The guy who's just, you know...

You know, everybody has that
creepy friend?

That one eerie guy, you never
know what he does, he's always

just hanging around, you know,
he's usually carrying a

shovel.

You know that guy?

Always digging in the middle of
the night?

You know, like, "Peter, what are
you doing?"

"I'm looking for my mother.

Shut up."

That's a good guy, because if
you got the guy, the guy's

standing there, he's about to
fight you, you get Peter to walk

behind him.

Just walk behind him, like, "Um,
excuse me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother
you.

I'm sorry.

Please don't fight that guy.

He's crazy.

He's fucking crazy.

He's totally crazy.

He will take out your eyes.

Like..."

(groans)
"Mommy."

Okay, I'm making a point.

Now, here's the lesson, all
right?

I got a way you can get out of
this.

If you do this, nobody would
ever fight you, okay?

I'm going to show you this.

This is how you can get out of
any fight in the world, okay?

Guy's there, don't stand like
this, okay?

A lot of guys stand like this.

If you know how to use this,
that's fine, but usually I see

guys standing like this, they
get in a fight, they look like

they're in a washing machine.

You know what I mean?

Start...

It's embarrassing.

So you want to confuse them,
okay?

So here's what you do, okay?

I get in a fight, this is what I
do.

Boom, look at that right there.

Yeah, I go hips out with the
jazz hands, and look at how

loose my mouth is.

Yeah, it's not going to stop
them, it just confuses them,

though.

He's like, "What the fuck?

Is this guy a dancer?

What's going on, you know?"
He doesn't know.

While he's confused in that
interim, who do I get to do my

talking for me?

It's awesome.

I get a Scottish nobleman to
ride up behind me on a horse,

all right?

You know the one from
Braveheart,
with the fire-red

braid and the kilt and stuff?

Now, picture this.

You're about to fight me,
and I just hit this, okay?

You're already confused, and
Angus rides up on this crazy

steed, and he just... he does
one of...

(neighs)
Like that.

And lands, and just looks at my
opponent, and he goes...

(with Scottish accent): "Excuse
me, laddie.

I hope it's not your intention
to fight this man.

For he's a good man.

Aye.

Some would even dare to call him
a great man.

But hear me now.

And hear me well.

If you are fool enough to go to
war with him, then I hope you've

got Satan himself by your side.

Because you will need him!

Hyah!"
And he just rides off.

You're not going to fight that
guy.

That guy's a great guy to have
on retainer.

Same guy gets you laid, too.

Really.

Just sits in the corner with a
hood on, you're talking to a

girl... then you gotta go to
the bathroom.

That's his cue.

You're like, "I'll be right
back, got to go... pee out of my

dick," whatever you say.

And-And that's when... that's
when Angus gets off his stool,

and he walks up, and he goes,
"Excuse me, lass.

I've come to warn you.

That man you were talking to--
be careful.

For to know him is to love him."

Yeah, no woman's going to let
that guy walk, no way.

Every woman is like, "Excuse me,
wait a minute. I don't know.

Don't just say something like
that.

What the fuck does that even
mean?

Don't just say something loaded.

To know him is to love him--
what does that even mean?

Don't just say something loaded
and walk away with that weird

accent.

What does that even mean?"
"What I mean to say, lass, is

that if you are fair enough to
do the pornographic grapple

with that man, than I hope
you're prepared to crack the

very clouds above you with your
howls of ecstasy.

You've been warned."

And he doesn't...

It's a bar, so he doesn't have a
horse, so he does this, I guess.

I don't fucking know.

Well, we covered a lot of ground
tonight, and, uh, that's the

most important thing.

We learned a lot.

We learned about butter baths,
and butterflies versus flies,

and how to use your feathers,
stool, my assistant, and, uh, a

lot of people come up to me
after the show, and they always

say, you know, "Hey, Bry, um,
thank you so much.

I learned a lot.

I didn't know you were that tall
in person."

Whatever they say, and, uh....

And, uh, and then they say, "You
know you taught us how to fight,

you know, one guy.

What if you had to fight a group
of people?" You know...

'Cause Scottish nobleman,
African medicine man--

expensive!

So, um, you know, but how do you
fight a group?

You always feel outnumbered in
the world, you know?

I look at the world, and I
always wonder how people do it,

but every time you want to fight
for something that's, you know,

worth fighting for, you're
always outnumbered.

I don't care if you're in the
Middle East, if you're Egyptian,

if you're Tunisian, whatever,
and you stand there, and you're

fighting tanks and planes.

I don't care.

A lot of times, you're fighting
your kids, you're fighting your

company.

And you know, the good thing is
is, like, A-holes-- a lot of

times, um, cluster in groups.

Like a Klan rally, or the
Taliban.

You know what I mean?

You know?

Or carolers, you know.

Yeah.

And yeah, and, uh, this ties
into my number one horse

fantasy.

Actually...

This is actually the ultimate
horse fantasy I had.

It wasn't just to save a sleepy
town.

This is the number one.

I think this would be hilarious.

Since I was a little kid, I've
wanted to do this.

You know, carolers-- they always
stand in that, sort of, you

know, line.

They're like, "♪ Deck the halls
With balls of holly

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha... ♪"
It's just very embarrassing.

You know, they knock on your
door, you open up, and they're

like...

"♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah... "
You know? And I just...

(groans) You know?

And, um.... (clears throat)
And, uh, but, um, and then,

there's always some cheesy crowd
listening to them and kind of

egging them on.

Like, "Aw, that's a..."

You know, and they're filling
the air with their good cheer.

And I think this would be
awesome.

I've always wanted to do this.

I think this would be the
greatest thing.

I want to ride by.

I think this would be the
funniest thing.

I want to get on a horse and
just ride by, just top speed,

just top speed, and while
they're in the middle of the

song, preferably when they're
like, "♪ Deck the halls

With balls of holly
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha... ♪"

When they hit that part, I want
to ride by, top speed, and just

pull out a sword and chop their
fucking heads off.

I've always wanted to.

All you got to do...

It's so easy.

You just ease your sword out,
lock the elbow and the wrist,

and let the horse do the work.

It's a guilt-free kill, man.

Not my fault your long caroling
necks got in the way of my

k-k-k-katana!

Sparta, motherfucker!

And you just ride off.

(grunts)
By the way, when I ride a horse,

I slap my own ass.

'Cause I don't believe in
cruelty to animals.

Unless you're a face-biting cow.

All right, well, I'm going to
leave you guys with this.

I just want to show you what I
look like in slow motion...

when I'm riding up on you on my
horse, as death personified,

and you're a caroler, okay?

'Cause let me explain something
to you.

You don't hear the thunder in my
steed's hooves until it's too

late.

You're too busy listening to
your varsity-choir voice.

By the time you hear my horse,
you're, like, "♪ Deck the halls

With balls of holly
Ha-ha, ha... ♪

Is that a horse?"
"Ha. Yeah, it is.

Yes, it was.

Uh-huh.

Yeah."

So this is what I look like when
I'm riding up on you as a... as

a, you know, as death
personified, and you're a

caroler, okay?

So, um, we got that music
ready?

All right.

I'm gonna get on.

Go ahead, watch this.

I'm going to get on my horse
and tie my bandana.

(dramatic music begins)
(laughter)


(laughter and applause)


(rhythmic sword slashing)

(music ends)
(applause and cheering)

My people.

My people.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Gracias.

Merci!

Arigato!

(speaks foreign language)
Thank you.

Thanks to my parents, my wife.

I love my wife.

Thank you very much.

(music playing)
(applause and cheering)

(applause, cheering & whistling)
(cheering swells)

(whistling)